Mama and Mascara

Relief…

2025-08-19T20:34:00.000-04:00

The past few weeks have been rough. I’ve had a breast biopsy, an EGD, and an eye appointment. I’m happy to say my boob is not trying to kill me. My throat has been stretched and biopsied. And my eyes are health. It’s been such a weight off my shoulders. I was scared. I tried to stay strong for Odin, but I was scared. I wasn’t sure how I was going to fight cancer and provide for him. But thankfully, that’s not something I have to stress about. My labs are better than they’ve been in years. My eye sight has actually improved. And I’ve stuck to my diet since my surgery. This has been a real eye opener. I’ve had two random cysts on my right side in the past year. Both of which I thought were going to be cancer. One in the eye. One in the boob. I celebrated by buying a new pair of Uggs. I wore them once and fell down in them in public. Life continues to keep me humble.

Racing thoughts…

2025-08-07T00:09:00.000-04:00

I’ve always wondered if someone would love me if my face got mangled. I’ve never thought about the odds of my body being mangled. What if this tiny mass ends up being something big? What if I have to cut my boobs off? I watch my mom go through it 30 years ago. I never thought I would be potentially facing the same thing. She had my dad. They were already married. He already loved her completely. I can’t date while being disfigured. No one is going to want that. I’m probably overthinking this. It’s probably a cyst. Or a fibroid. But I’m scared. I can’t sleep. My appetite has decreased. I’ve never felt this nervous. I don’t have a good feeling. They told me they had a cancellation and scheduled my ultrasound for Friday. I hope it wasn’t ordered STAT and they’re trying not to make things worse. Ugh. I can’t be the old single lady with a dead dad, a dead sister, and cancer. 🤣🤣

I don’t even have a title for this one…

2025-08-05T16:29:00.001-04:00

I’ve been getting mammograms since I turned 30. I’ve never had one come back abnormal. This time, they found a 4mm mass on my right side. My first instinct was to cry. I shed a few tears, but had to suck it up quickly since I’m at work. I don’t want to tell anyone, so I’m writing it here. Because I can’t hold it in. Chances are it’s nothing. But there’s still a chance it could be something. I’m so scared. I’ll have to go for further testing soon. Just going to pray until then.

What being a nurse is really like…

2025-07-19T20:47:00.004-04:00

I’ve had a few repeat offenders since starting bedside hospital nursing, but there’s one who might be my strangest patient ever. They came in with a wound covered in maggots. Seriously the craziest thing I’ve seen during my 10 year nursing career. They refused an amputation, against the doctor’s advice. They get discharged. Three weeks later, I get them back with sepsis. They refused their meds. Refuse to eat. Refuse to drink. And refuse to wear clothes. Their family starts coming out of the woodwork. I’m talking people that haven’t seen this person in 5-10 years. The family causes a scene in the hospital for days. Refuse to make the patient a DNR even though there’s no coming back from their current state. Finally the family gives in, takes away the option for CPR, and the person dies at shift change- 0700. The family spends the next FIVE HOURS crying over the cold dead body. I’ve never been hugged by so many toothless people who smell like cigarettes. At this point, rigor mortis has really started setting in. The family leaves and I get tasked with helping tend to the ice cold, stiff body. Along with 3 women who don’t know anything about me. First time working with these coworkers. We have to get the body into a body bag to take it to the morgue. It’s a rough task but I was finally able to zip up the bag. The. I proceeded to break the zipper off the bag. Finally get the body downstairs to the fridge where I stumbled upon a box of amputated limbs. If you know me, you know I laughed through all of this. My new coworkers think I’m weird and heartless. Can’t wait to go back tomorrow.

Almost Screwed Up…

2025-07-13T19:35:00.001-04:00

Spent the weekend in Pittsburgh with my sister. We got white girl wasted and danced our asses off at the Teddy Swims concert. I love that city. I’ve made so many memories there. So many good times. It made me a little nostalgic. Made me think about my ex. The White Claws were starting to taste like I should text him. I unblocked him on everything. But even drunk me knew it was a bad idea. I didn’t message him. I wanted to. But I didn’t. I don’t even think I was missing him. I was just missing the good times we had in Pittsburgh. I sobered up and blocked him again. Not worth the heartache. He’ll never change. I know that. On a positive note, my sister swears I met the man I’m going to marry at the concert. We exchanged numbers and have been texting on and off all day. I guess we’ll see what happens. I’m not really looking for anything with anyone. I’ve kind of accepted and embraced being alone. Been burnt too many times. I just don’t have another break up in me at the point.

Life is good.

2025-07-01T20:44:00.001-04:00

I’ve found my place in the nursing world. I absolutely love my new job and my new coworkers. I never thought hospital bedside nursing would be my jam but here we are. Killing it. This is my third week on the floor. I’ve basically been on my own since day two. My trainer can’t believe how fast I’ve picked it up. I leave patients rooms and hear them talk to their loved ones about what a great job I’m doing. And I still get to work with a lot of old people, because they’re the ones who see ortho for joint replacements. I’m also having the best sex of my life with a 6’4 man with a head full of perfectly quaffed hair. Life is good. It’s hard to not be waiting for something bad to happen. But I deserve this. I’ve worked too hard and been through too much shit to not end up happy. Let just hope this wave carries me into a weekend of fun with friends for the 4th and into next weekend for a trip to Pittsburgh to see Teddy Swims.

Finding joy…

2025-06-10T18:30:00.001-04:00

Life is hard. Being forty+ is hard. Being a nurse is hard. Being single is hard. Being a mom is hard. Break-ups are hard. Changing jobs is hard. Getting enough sleep is hard. Losing weight is hard. Raising a teenager is hard. Drinking enough water is hard. Eating right is hard. Saving money is hard. Feeling like you’re behind in life is hard. Aging is hard. Making adult friends is hard. Learning not to care about certain things is hard. Anxiety is hard. Depression is hard. ADHD is hard. Eating disorders are hard. It’s all hard. The last six months have taught me that life is hard enough on its own, so it’s important to find joy in something. I have found my joy in shirtless dancing baseball players.

Is Banana Ball cheesy? Yes. Does it entertain me for 2 hours and give me something to look forward to every week? Also yes. I found the Party Animals on TikTok after my break-up. There they were. Shirtless. Dancing to Lil Wayne without a care in the world. Who knew a bunch of 20 year old could help me get over my ex. It was nice to see tall, handsome, talented guys who aren’t afraid to be goofy. Turns out, there are other fish in the sea and I enjoy watching the boy aquarium from the comfort of my own home.

I let myself kinda get all up in my feels today. Thinking about life. Overthinking about things I can’t change. I decided to order myself some Oliver Garden soup after work. I had some time to kill so I stopped at Five Below to browse. I was getting ready to check out when I saw this…

My joy. Right there at eye level. Reminding me that life is good and I’m better off without things that aren’t meant for me. This is what I needed today.

Big life change…

2025-05-31T02:09:00.002-04:00

I’ve decided to leave the zombies on night shift. Your girl took a day shift position at the hospital. Three 12’s. On the floor. Self scheduling. I no longer have to miss important events with family and friends. I can go to all of Odin’s football games. I don’t have to request off for concerts or sporting events I want to attend. Might even make a little trip to see a certain shirtless dancing baseball team. Who knows. And the best part? I get my normal sleep schedule back. I can’t wait. To celebrate my new job and her surviving the school year, my bestie and I are booking a trip to the head spa for a day of pampering. I’m in a really good place right now. I’m happy.

Another big life change: Odin starts his first job this weekend. He’s so excited. I think it will be good for him. He also starts summer football next week. As a sophomore. I can’t believe how fast life is going by. I’m just trying to soak in every moment.

Something I’ve never told anyone…

2025-04-30T18:01:00.000-04:00

I have an eating disorder.

I've had an unhealthy relationship with food since I was a teenager. Growing up in the 90s/2000s was hard. At least when it comes to body image. Low rise jeans and crop topwere all the rage. The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show was the most watched event on TV. Female pop stars were the it girls. We were made to feel like we should all look like Paris Hilton. Tall, tan, skinny, and hot. I weighed 115-120 pounds in high school. I was a varsity cheerleader. The coach told us we had to look a certain way. That's when my issues with eating started. To stay in a uniform that was a little too small, I would skip breakast and lunch, go to practice and sweat for two hours, then go home and eat dinner. I was small. But I thought I was too big. The unhealthy eating lasted through high school. I went to college and gained about ten pounds. I started working out. I was healthy. I stayed at that weight until I got pregnant. That's when the opposite happened. I started binge eating. I was married but wasn't ready to have a baby. I had never wanted kids. We had just gotten married. I wasn't ready for all this. So the binging started. I couldn't starve my baby so I ate too much. Food was a comfort for me. I was 196 pounds when I gave birth. I found out my now ex-shuband was cheating on me, which made me want to lose weight. I got down to 145 pounds and stayed there for awhile. After we got a divorce, my weight fluctuated between 165-180. I have a big butt and big thighs, I thought I carried the weight pretty well. I found a medication that helped with both my ADHD and my binge eating. I stayed on that for years. Until about 7 months ago, when I got my current job. My health insurance kept getting switched around and I haven't been on my medication since. It's been a struggle. I've gained some weight. I've felt really down. The binging started again. I've been eating whatever I want, whenever I want. I haven't been sticking to my food allergy diet. I will eat until I want to explode. Two days ago, I decided to really start taking my health seriously. I am back on my food allergy diet but I binged yesterday. And for the first time, I made myself throw up after. That's the moment I knew I had to make some real changes. I decided to start back to therapy. I went to a med spa and got started on semaglutide. It's supposed to keep you from being able to binge. It also helps with weight loss. I applied to a bunch of different jobs. I got a call today for a floor nurse position at the local hospital. It will be a day shift position and the insurace benefits begin immediately. The pay will be a few dollars less on the hour, but prioritizing myself makes it worth it. My eating disorder is something I have never told anyone about. My family doesn't know. My closest friends don't know. My child doesn't know. It feels really good to let my secret out. Holding it in was making it worse. Hopefully I will keep up with my journaling and use this to help hold myself accountable.

Here's to the start of recovery!

Flying solo…

2025-04-29T06:52:00.002-04:00

You know what’s worse than a break up? Dating. Odin recently turned 15 and decided he hates everything. Concerts. Especially AC/DC. Baseball games. The zoo. Top Golf. If it’s fun, he hates it. So I thought maybe I’d try dating again. Meet someone to do all the fun stuff with me this summer. Terrible idea. I’ve never felt so gross. I’m more than a big ass. I have a sparkling personality too. I’m hilarious and I don’t want to see your wiener, sir. Nor do I want to tell another soul my favorite color or song. So I’m just going to start doing the fun stuff alone. Starting with the AC/DC concert. Got myself a nice hotel room and a new outfit. Gonna go to the zoo the day after. Probably take myself out for sushi. I’m gonna date myself. Treat myself. And I’ll probably put out for myself too. Just kidding. I definitely will.

Took a break…

2025-04-19T01:57:00.000-04:00

Journaling for the world to see is exhausting. Knowing that certain people were looking at my inner thoughts really took a toll. I need to step back for a little bit. Now I’m in my feral era and I don’t care who reads this. Life has been good. My kid turned 15. Tik Tok introduced me to dancing, shirtless, 20 something baseball players. So that’s been awesome. Think it might be time to dip my toe into the cougar club. I’ve learned about biohacking. Looking into tricking my mind and body to age backwards. Other than falling in the parking lot at work a few weeks ago, life is pretty good. Might have chipped my patella, but we’re taking it one day at a time. Seeing my doctor next week, I’m sure it’s fine. My eye has completely healed. No more cyst. Still blonde. Still botoxed. Still manicured. Definitely looking forward to seeing what the summer holds for me.

Affirmations Part 2…

2025-03-18T02:29:00.001-04:00

If I’m the problem, maybe you’re the reason…

2025-03-13T02:00:00.003-04:00

Don’t get me wrong, I am still extremely pissed at him. I think he’s currently the scum of the earth. I think he’s narcissistic and immature. He’s done me wrong so many times. But I fucking miss him. I know we aren’t good together. And I don’t know if I could ever fully forgive him. I still haven’t told anyone the real reason we broke up. Everyone still thinks I’m the problem. I don’t know. Life is weird. Feelings are weird. I’m not even ready to unblock him on anything. Maybe if he sends flowers asking for me unblock him, I will. But not until then. I have to stand my ground. No matter how difficult it is. But for now, I’ll just keep talking to these losers and letting them entertain me…

Kill me.

Tales from the nursing home part 4…

2025-03-10T02:12:00.004-04:00

The little old lady who follows me around in her wheelchair looking for her daddy…

Her: “Help me, daddy”

Me…

Confession…

2025-03-06T00:00:00.000-05:00

It’s no secret I use this blog as a diary. I write down my deepest thoughts. I share things I won’t say out loud. I guess now it’s time to be honest. I can see the number of views my blog gets each day. I can see how many times a post was visited. I can see what country my visitors are from. I can see the state. I can see the town. Guess this is a good time to say hello to those 2-3 people who keep visiting from the Pittsburgh area of Pennsylvania. Specifically one from Monroeville and two from Jeannette. Glad I’m able to keep you entertained. 😉😘🤣

Tales from the nursing home part 3…

2025-03-05T06:19:00.000-05:00

Tonight’s tale comes a sweet old lady who lives on my hall. She is 83 years old, stands at 4’7. She’s the sweetest little Italian grandma. I’ve never her say anything but super nice and loving things to people, until tonight. She went up to a male resident and said “Would you like to go to bed with me? My parents died about a year ago. I wanted to die too. Jesus had me for years, now you can have me. Do you want me? Do you?” I about died. She’ll also said she’s only 38, but feels like she’s 80. Imagine that. She’ll be pregnant by next week. Horny little devil.

Sometimes you just have to make yourself happy…

2025-03-02T23:47:00.000-05:00

Blew off my date. He gave me the ick. Posts way too much on Facebook. My friends and family keep trying to set me up on dates. I’m not interested. I’m perfectly content being my own sugar daddy at the moment. I buy myself nice things. I take myself out to eat. I take me to get manicures, Botox, makeup, clothes, and designer handbags. I bought myself a very expensive hair cut. I’m picking up my new car this week. I pay all my bills. I don’t lie to myself. I don’t cheat on myself. I always make me a priority. I’m number one. I’m happy. No one loves me like me.

Affirmations.

2025-02-28T20:39:00.002-05:00

So incredibly appreciative…

2025-02-28T20:22:00.002-05:00

https://www.mybuckhannon.com/upshur-ffa-column-the-brotherhood-of-the-traveling-toilet/

Tales from the Nursing Home part 2…

2025-02-27T23:15:00.004-05:00

Good thing I started working out. Had to roll and hold a 400 pound dying woman while she pooped. I only gagged once, pretty proud of myself for that. The lady next door was yelling “help me, Steve Harvey!” Which did not help my situation at all. Apparently she just needed someone to wipe the crumbs off her shirt from the ice cream sandwich she just ate. She argued that it in fact was not ice cream but cake, even though she’d rather have ice cream. Still didn’t believe me when I told her it was ice cream. Must’ve been pretty good though, because she licked the leftovers off her dentures. Took me forever to finish med pass. Now I’m sitting at the nurses’ station, charting everything. There’s about ten of them in wheelchairs surrounding me. It looks like the strangest bummer cars you’ve ever seen. And it’s not even midnight. Hopefully this 16oz sugar free Red Bull. Will get me through the night.

Tales from the Nursing Home…

2025-02-27T01:52:00.000-05:00

A resident from another hall decided to get up at midnight, go room to room, and tell everyone the building is on fire. Many residents got very scared and started hitting their emergency lights. Meanwhile, I am trying to stop the resident from waking everyone up. She said one day I will “bow down to her”. Whatever that means. I finally got her to stop. She reaches into her pants and pulls a pack of crackers. She attempts to give me one as a peace offering. I respectfully declined, which sent her into a fit of rage and the whole process started over again. I love my job.

Happy Birthday, Jo…

2025-02-25T20:41:00.004-05:00

It’s hard to believe our sweet Jenna Jo would’ve been 22 today. She was the only sibling who knew exactly what she wanted out of life. She was the one who made sure mom was eating after dad died. She always put others before herself. She loved making people laugh. She never met a stranger. She worked at a local ice cream shop. After she died, so many people would come up to me and tell me about how she made them smile when they were having a bad day. Ice cream fixes a lot, but it was extra healing when Jo made it for you with love. I know if she were here today, life would be completely different. She’d be married to her high school sweetheart. She would be working towards her veterinary degree. She might have even been a mom by now. I miss her so much. We always looked at ourselves as the black sheep of the family. She was my football buddy. My roller coaster buddy. And my pimple popping buddy. Picking pictures for this post was fun. It was nice to look back and relive someone of my favorite memories with her.

I love you and miss you so much, Jo!! 💙💙

iHop with dad after Izzy’s cheer competition

The girls’ freshman homecoming

She hated getting dressed up, but she looks so gorgeous here

Our track star! She was so fast

Church camp

Fifth birthday

Flower girl for my wedding

Always so natural and beautiful

Getting ready for my wedding

Kayaking with Chi

Kennywood trip

Silly selfies

Let’s get really real for a moment…

2025-02-24T19:03:00.000-05:00

I miss him. I know what he’s doing when I’m not around and I still miss him. I think about him all the time, even though I try not to. We all know I’m going to unblock him in a few months, he’ll slide back into the DMs, we’ll laugh together about everything, and I’ll forgive him. And we’ll have the same situation all over again for the fourth time. I know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting a different outcome. Maybe I am insane. But I also know love is patient, kind, and forgiving. Right now, I hate him. Hate isn’t the opposite of love. Hate is a very powerful emotion, fueled by feeling. Indifference is the lack of feeling. That’s the real opposite of love. I’m trying to feel indifference, but I can’t. There’s too many feelings. He hurt me so bad. But everytime we do this and come back together, things seem to be better than they were before. So instead of trying to force myself to be indifferent and move on, I’m just going to stay in my bubble and be patient. I have to leave it all in God’s hands.

A lesson learned…

2025-02-24T18:27:00.000-05:00

I decided to put myself out there and try meeting someone new. I downloaded a dating app. Took the time to fill everything out, make it as “me” as possible. I met a nice guy on there. His profile said he was from Pennsylvania. I was hesitant, but decided to talk to him anyway. We had a lot in common. Spent the day talking about sports. He asked where I’m from, I told him. I asked where he’s from, he said the same town as my ex. Needless to say, I’m no longer on dating apps.

Elevating my life…

2025-02-24T00:01:00.002-05:00

I’m really excited about life. Since I’ve started feeling better, I want to elevate all aspects of my life. Especially my style. I still want to be stylish in my 40’s, but I don’t want to be one of those women who try to dress like they’re 20. I just find that sad. At some point, we have to give up bright colored nail polish and messy hair. I want to look put together and be taken seriously in life. Something tells me blue fingernails and a messy bun won’t achieve that. I might not come from money, but that old money style is what I’ve been gravitating towards lately. It’s timeless.

I also think classy vs trashy carries over to actions also. I want to be well versed and cultured. I enjoy going to museums and the ballet. I want to dress up for nice dinners. I want to spend more time volunteering and make the world a better place. I want to keep learning and advancing in life. At some point, we all have to grow up. Right? To me, nothing seems trashier than going to bars all the time and sleeping around. Or even talking to people who aren’t single while you’re in a relationship. Especially as a women. Even worse if you’re a mother. Better examples should be set for children, or they’ll end up trashy too.