mama believer

I Keep Holding On

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 14:44:00 +0000

It's been a while since I've been able to write about anything happening in my life. It's not that things haven't been happening - it's just that I didn't know how to deal with it or talk about it.

My husband and I are in marriage counseling. That's a hard thing to talk about. I get people out there telling me that it's okay to leave him. I get people out there who want to constantly judge him and make sure I remember what a terrible person he's been. I also get people who pray for us and want to help us make this better.

I like to surround myself with the people in the last category. While marriage counseling was looking hopeless for a while (too expensive), I once again reached out for help. It's really difficult to find help if you don't ask for it. My uncle knows a LOT of people and happens to know a couple from his old church who offers marriage counseling. We weren't sure if they would have the time to help us, but thankfully one of them did. We've been meeting every Tuesday evening for the past few weeks. And knowing our financial situation, he isn't even asking for money. He is helping us because that's what he loves to do. We've been reading the book "Love and Respect" along with working through our issues.

I admit I am really proud of my husband for trying to be a better man. There is a lot he has to deal with, but he is trying to make it better. That's all I can ask.

As for me, I've learned a lot about forgiveness. I'm not sure I've ever talked about forgiveness with anyone until last night. J asked me for my definition of forgiveness. I told him I couldn't really give an official definition, it's more of a process. I explained to him that I know what Jesus did for us a long time ago. He died on the cross for our sins. It wasn't just for MY sin... it was for everyone's sin. That includes my husband. That includes my family. That includes my friends. That even includes strangers. People make mistakes in their life. I certainly have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've learned from them - the biggest lesson being forgiveness. Who am I to say that Jesus died for my sins and that I am forgiven but think that others don't deserve the same forgiveness? Whatever bad things have happened, I forgive him because God did. He deserves that forgiveness as much as I do. I will not judge someone by their mistakes. I have done a lot of bad things in my life but I have grown up from those mistakes. I am not the same person I used to be. I trust God that my husband will not be the same person he used to be.

I believe God deals with each of us in a unique way. God is certainly dealing with my husband right now (and me too) and I am holding on to all of God's promises for us. I am exercising patience. I am exercising forgiveness. While there are still days I want to give up, I keep holding on.

"take away the cause of pain
by showing her were all the same.
have no envy
no fear
every day we try to find
we search our hearts and our minds
the place we used to call our home
cant be found when were alone"
-Joshua Radin

Even If It Means Asking For Help

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 05:06:00 +0000

The girls and I stood in line today for a back to school event at New Heights Church in Owasso. No, this wasn't like meeting the teachers or visiting your kids' classrooms. This was a back to school event for families who are struggling and need relief with the cost of kids going back to school. Call us poor people if you want, but whatever the title, this type of event was meant for us this year.

My desire to give back (and blog, The Generosity Project) comes from those who have given to us in our times of need. Today was another one of those times where we've had to be the recipient of the help.

I used to not be okay with that. After all, we once were financially stable. My husband had a great paying job, I was able to stay home with the girls. We were doing alright and expected to always be alright.

Then something happened and our finances flopped. I can't pinpoint a moment or event that caused our financial downward spiral, but the point is that it happened. Bad things can happen to good people and it's often harder to get back on your feet than most people think. We do what we can to get through it and keep praying for that moment where everything will be alright again. Sometimes the struggle is our fault and sometimes it's not. But I can't be ashamed of our life. No one should be ashamed of their life.

You know why?

Because these are the things that strengthen us as individuals. These are the things that we learn from. These are the things that cut through pride and knock us off our high horse - and we all need that from time to time. Sometimes it's hard to admit that you need help, but you shouldn't ever be ashamed of your situation. There are still really good people out there who want to help - and they don't even care if you're a complete stranger. For me, meeting these generous people is a bigger blessing than having them meeting our needs.

Today, the girls and I stood in line for help. They all received a backpack of school supplies. They were also given brand new underwear, socks, and brand new shoes! That alone was a blessing to us. In addition to those things, we all received free haircuts and clothes. Also offered at the event were free scoliosis tests, dental care, and eye exams.

It's hard enough (and stressful) wondering what our next meal will be and knowing that it probably wouldn't come at all if it weren't for the help my parents are offering us right now. It's hard having to budget our meals through the week and having a growing child in the house who is always hungry and you can't feed her between meals. But I also have these smart girls who I know I've raised well and they just want to look good for their first day of school. Their school has a dress code and many of their clothes don't meet the dress code. So that means trying to pay for new clothes for school - especially new shoes (since they mostly own flip flops and open toed shoes). To receive some clothes and shoes today had me choking back tears.

Normally I don't go around seeking out someone to pray with, but today was different. I asked a prayer counselor at this event to pray with me and the girls. We prayed for a great school year for the girls and for a financial turn around for our family and to continue to be able to give back. We gave praise and thanks for these gifts today.

While it's hard and can sometimes feel embarrassing to admit that we are struggling, I hope by admitting these things and showing everyone that we're all turning out okay, that someone else out there who could be struggling in the same way would swallow their pride and just accept help. Even if you think your story "isn't that bad", a stressful life is NOT better than a peaceful one. That peace is out there waiting for you.

God gave us all a life of being able to make our own choices. You can choose to suffer through your life or you can choose to do what it takes to make it better - even if it means asking for help.

"And you think I'm weak.
I think you're wrong."
-Matchbox 20

I Really Miss It

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 03:10:00 +0000

I admit, things are not good in my life.
I never thought I'd end up here.
Or maybe I did and I've been ignoring it until now.

All I really wanted to say today is how much I miss blogging Homemaker Hero.
I really really miss it.

"Yes'n I try to ignore
All this blood on the floor
It's just this heart on my sleeve that's a bleeding."
-Ray LaMontagne

For The Sake Of My Happiness

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 21:16:00 +0000

One life lesson I clearly remember was that you should never ask someone else to change who they are. They are the way they are and either you'll be compatible with that or you won't. You should never start a relationship of any kind (friendship or otherwise) with someone you want to change.

My question is this:

After you have established a relationship with someone, is there ever a time that it becomes okay to ask someone to change who they are?

Someone in my life has changed a lot. I rarely like who they've become. But is it fair of me to ask them to change who they are for the sake of my happiness?

"Not ready to let go
Cause then I'd never know
What I could be missing.
But I’m missing way too much.
So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for?"
-Jason Walker

I Am So Proud To Live In This Suburb

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 02:28:00 +0000

This evening I found myself choking back tears. Not because I was sad, but because I am so proud. I am proud to have grown up in this suburb. Although I may have moved away for a while, I am proud I moved back. This is home. This is a great home with an amazing community. This is Owasso.

We recently heard news of a local fallen soldier, Specialist Andrew Looney. Spc. Looney, 22, was one of two soldiers killed last Monday after an insurgent detonated a suicide vest at a traffic control point. Looney joined the Army right after he graduated Owasso High School, and he served in Iraq as well. He suffered a brain injury and lost half of his foot during a tour there in 2007. Still, he remained in the service and went to Afghanistan. Our hero, Andrew Looney, will be buried at Arlington National Cemetery.

Tonight, hundreds of people showed up lining the streets of Owasso to pay their respects to our fallen hero and the family he left behind. Everyone wanted to show their support for not only Andrew Looney and his family but for all US troops who fight for our freedoms.

I have never seen anything like what I saw this evening. I am finding it really hard to describe everything with words. Our community rallied together standing shoulder to shoulder, holding flags and dressing up in red, white and blue. I found myself not being able to speak in a normal voice. I couldn't speak at all. My throat hurt and my eyes watered from choking back tears. I mean, I knew we supported Andrew Looney and all other US soldiers, but it's a whole new World when you see the support in person. It's so much more than words can describe. People who were there tonight will agree with me.

I am so proud of our troops.

I am so proud to be an American.

I am so proud to call Owasso my home.

"And on that day
when you need your brothers and sisters to care,
I'll be right here."
-3 Doors Down

Enough Is Enough

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 03:02:00 +0000

I've read a lot about McDonalds lately. Some group wants to sue them for having toys in their happy meals. Another article showed that a year old happy meal from McDonalds wouldn't decompose.

Whatever your feelings are toward these articles, I think there is a bigger issue here. And no, it's not that it's a parent's responsibility to feed their children proper foods. It's that we're known as an obese nation. Why isn't the food industry helping us get healthy?

It's hard for me (someone who loves to cook and bake and is damn good at it) to remember there are people out there who can't cook. They rely on the food industry for their nutrition. And it's not like the food industry doesn't know we're an obese nation. Yet they keep creating menu items like the double down from KFC. Everyone knows this is gross, but KFC knows consumers will still eat it. When everything on the menu is unhealthy, people go for taste - and I've heard it's the most tasty item they serve.

But what do we do? We sue McDonalds for offering toys instead of thanking McDonalds for trying to offer healthier options. Remember when the chicken nuggets were only dark meat and they finally made the switch to white meat? Remember when the only side you could get was an order of french fries? Now they offer side salads and apples. Remember when bottled water was not an option? Give me a break people! McDonalds is at least offering a few healthy options, whereas a place like KFC keeps coming out with garbage. Don't get me wrong, I have issues with both of the McDonalds articles. But if you're going to sue someone, you shouldn't stop with McDonalds.

I believe we should hold the entire food industry accountable.

Why do I have to try so hard to find something healthy on the menu when we eat out (and still have to work that off later)? Why do I have to special order how an item is cooked to be healthy rather than it starting off that way?

Why aren't restaurant owners jumping at the idea of opening healthy restaurants? Take authority over our obesity problem and stop serving us crap! Stand up and say, "Enough is enough!" I believe America really does have the desire to become healthy. These restaurant owners could do a lot of business by opening a restaurant with nothing but healthy items on the menu. Don't you think?

"In these troubled times it's hard enough as it is.
My soul has known a better life than this."
-Brett Dennen

To A Good Cause

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 02:26:00 +0000

Don't worry. I haven't given up on this blog either. I've just had a lot of stuff going on in my life that I just can't go public about. Yet, that's all that my mind can focus on and I haven't been able to write about anything else. Here's the best I can muster up right now.

Another thing you should know about me is my love for thrift shops. I can't walk out of a thrift shop without a major good deal. The other day, my mom hooked me up with some money and let me go to all of my favorite shops. I found soooo many treasures and for super cheap. My desk is now decorated with some flowers held by a white clay pitcher and a little ceramic owl keeps me company and tells me with his eyes that he's on my side. I'm currently sitting on my new computer chair. It's probably an old (see: vintage) kitchen chair, but it swivels, so I'm counting it as my new computer chair - and was less than $3. Pretty soon, I'll have my new amazingly framed Monet reproduction hanging above the desk, too.

Other treasures include a new leather travel bag for $3 (which is way more impressive in person than how I could describe it), another small quilt blanket (.99), a wooden chair ($7), and even a couple of free CDs (Toad The Wet Sprocket and Counting Crows - because the volunteer cashier said were "scratched" and "might not work"). Took them home and they do work! I also picked up a Frankoma dish in the shape of Oklahoma. To anyone who doesn't live in Oklahoma, you may not have heard of Frankoma, but it's amazing pottery made right here in OK. My love for it runs deep. I grew up having my meals served on Frankoma. Of course, I picked up a lot of other things, but that's just what is sitting near me that I can remember picking up that day. The week before, I scored a paper bag full of clothes and jackets for just $10. There are several things that were worth over $10 individually, so that was great.

My favorite part about thrift shopping? The charities/non-profits. Every purchase I make goes to a good cause.

"One part of me just wants to tell you everything.
One part just needs the quiet."
-Toad The Wet Sprocket

Keep On Keeping On

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 16:30:00 +0000

As it turns out, I will not be ending my generosity blog. I took a good week off and thankfully I had already scheduled a few things, so most people didn't notice. It seems like every time I think about ending it, someone shows me huge support out of the blue. I'm pretty sure they have no idea I was about to close down, but it definitely has great timing.

Yesterday, it was a local independent movie theater that I love giving me lots of love on their facebook page. I wrote up an article about them and featured their free summer movie program for kids. I never told them I wrote it but they discovered it the very day I wrote it and gave me lots of praise for writing it via their Facebook fan page. Of course, I gushed a lot because I love love love that theater! They're a non-profit theater who plays only independent films and those that never make it on to the big screen. Did I mention they're non-profit? ;)

Sometimes all it takes is a little appreciation to know you're making a difference. Made some new fans this week and reaffirmation that I'm doing something that needs to be done. While this may just be a spark and not yet a flame, I have once again found inspiration to keep on keeping on.

"Hold on, one more time with feeling
Try it again, breathing's just a rhythm
Say it in your mind until you know that the words are right
This is why we fight."
-Regina Spektor

Nothing Without You

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 03:41:00 +0000

"Tell me it won't always be this hard.
I am nothing without you,
but I don't know who you are."
-Vienna Teng

To Renew The Foundation Of Me

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 21:05:00 +0000

For the past few years, I've taken up blogging on a professional level. Yes, that means I've been paid for writing a blog. It's been a great way to work from home that has brought amazing opportunities, friendships, and has helped feed the wallet. I don't do it because of these things though. I do it because I love writing about things I know. Along the way, I learned to market my knowledge thanks to social media (yes, it's a love/hate relationship).

That being said, being here for my family has been my number one goal. Second, I have me to take care of - which is something I put on the back burner for a long long long time.

Blogging is a lot of hard work when you turn it into a business. A lot of people start to rely on you on a daily basis. There's a lot of guilt when I can't be there because I'm a little too overwhelmed with my regular life. And in such a competitive business (who would have thought the blogging community would be so competitive?), you really have to have new content daily if you want to be successful.

My life has taken a few turns since I first started writing. I simply can't keep up with the demand of me. It does sadden me to think of this coming to an end. Why? Because what I have written, I feel like it needs to be out there. People need to learn more about giving and how easy it is to make a difference in the world. I'm so passionate about it. It's hard to take something I'm so passionate about and put it away for a while. I will never look back at this career of writing as being a bad thing - or even a stressful thing. But I have a feeling it's coming to an end.

I feel as if my tower is unbalanced and I need to tear it down and start over. Some days when I reflect on my existence, I have no idea how I got here or even what I'm doing exactly. I need to renew the foundation of me... and build from there.

"Show me where the sun comes through the sky
I'll show you where the rain gets in
And I'll show you hurricanes
And the way that summer fades
Underneath the weight of it all"
-Matt Nathanson

But I Do Dream About It

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 02:30:00 +0000

I was once told by my mother that I have a great aunt who said she always thought I would do more with my life. I admit that stung a little - especially coming from someone who never married or had children. I'm proud of being a mother. I'm proud that I'm able to spend so much time with my children while they still want me to - and even when they don't and will thank me later for it. Not every mother has the opportunity to stay home with their children. I know I'm blessed. And no matter how much we struggle sometimes, there is nothing else I'd rather do more than this.

That being said, I do often think about what I might have done with my life had I not become a mother. I mean, I do have other talents. I have these little dreams of things I'd like to do someday. Maybe I will go through with it sometime - maybe I won't.

I know if I had no children at all, I would have made a fantastic detective. I love research, detail, and solving problems. I do have a talent for finding out things I was never supposed to know. But I know that's a full time job and then some. I just don't think I could put my heart into both detective work and motherhood. Motherhood wins on this one - hands down.

Recently, Mr. Romance and I have discussed things I might do with some of my time while all of the children are in school. While he's fully supportive of me just being home, he is also very supportive of me following my dreams. We'll see just how much time we have when this day comes. And if their childhood isn't the right time for these things, there's always the years after they graduate.

While I know the things I've done - such as radio, television, photography, writing, etc... there are other things I'd love to do that I haven't tried yet.

Some of the things I've considered are as follows:

Hair Stylist. I have always had a lot of pride in how my hair looks. I've always had bold edgy looks that are sometimes trendsetting. I'm not afraid of the scissors. I'm not afraid to go long or short. I love to color my hair. I love to think about new haircuts. I spend a lot of time thinking about hair. So I'm considering going to beauty school and turn this love for hair into a career. I know there would be so much more for me to learn, but my heart would be in it.

Baker/Cake Decorator. This isn't exactly something I thought of on my own. My grandmother used to bake and decorate cakes for weddings, parties, and other events. She was really really good at it and was able to bring in extra money from doing this. Seeing my love for baking, my mom actually suggested that I give it a try and told me that she thought I'd be pretty good at it. While I do love love love to bake, I'm just not sure about this one as a career. I would love to take some cake decorating classes and give it a try anyway.

Cook. I love to cook. I love to experiment with food. I love cooking for other people. I love entertaining - especially when I get to serve new food. I've visited several shops that cook up meals for people to take home, reheat and serve. They even offer classes to teach people to make these dishes and let them take home what they make. I would love to do something like that. I would also love to have my own restaurant. My chicken salad recipe is a huge hit with everyone who has ever tried it. Everyone begs for the recipe afterward. I admit, I hesitate before I give it out. Seeing how many people want it, I can't help but see dollar signs behind it if I were to sell it instead. Could I turn my chicken salad into a business venture? Maybe I could work on perfecting a few select recipes and open my own cafe.

Dancer. What?! How do I go from a stylist to a cake decorator to a cook to a.... dancer? I blame the new season of So You Think You Can Dance. Here's the deal. I can't carry a tune. I would never make it on to the show American Idol. I'm tone deaf. But one thing I've loved to do since I was a little girl is dance. Dancing is therapy for me. When I was watching the show So You Think You Can Dance tonight, I can't help but regret giving up on dance years ago. It was so natural to me and I had so much passion for it. It goes hand in hand with my need for music in my life. I feel music - and thus, dancing just flows out of me. I would love to find another dance teacher and get back into dancing. I would love to share this passion I have for dance with the world. Even after I watch the show, I find myself walking around a little more graceful. That's the dance in me, I think. Maybe someday.

While I'm sure we all have these secret dreams of things we'd like to do, I'm pretty sure there is no better job than being a parent. But I do dream about it.

"Oh, Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I?"
- Israel Kamakawiwo Ole'

Give Them Back Their Childhood

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 04:17:00 +0000

I often find myself so critical of my children. It's a constant "Do this. Don't do that." mentality.

I want my children to learn good habits and be good to others. I've wanted that so badly that sometimes I forget that they are just kids. I have to stop wanting perfect behavior from my 2 year old. She's active, loud, and happy. Most days I try to correct all of that. I tell her to sit down, be quiet, and calm down. But she's only 2 years old for cryin' out loud. I'm the same way with my 4 and 7 year old.

Mostly this happens because I'm worried about them bugging others in the household too much. Or because mama just needs some quiet time. Or because I need some time to have conversations with adults. I need some time to work. I need. I need. I need.

But what about their needs? Their most important need right now is needing to just be a kid. And who am I to take that away from them?

This week I'm going to focus hard on putting them first and remembering how old they really are. I'll have plenty of time later to be alone with Mr. Romance. I'll have plenty of quiet time when they leave the house for good. I'll have plenty of time to work. What I won't have is the ability to give them back their childhood.

"Cause last night I had something so good
These days get so long
And I got nothing to do."
Counting Crows

For Better Or Worse

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 22:13:00 +0000

My mother asked me to go with her to a coworker's wedding today. I accepted. But because of the location of the wedding, I really wanted Mr. Romance there with me today.

The wedding was held at the chapel where I was supposed to marry my ex. My ex left me about a month before we were supposed to get married. I have no hard feelings toward the break up. I loved him. There might be a piece of my heart that always does. I don't think it's possible to fall in love and ever completely fall out of it. But I know fully that we weren't supposed to be married. We were just meant to love each other at that particular time in our lives. When my ex disappeared, I was certainly hurt and confused at the time. But realizing how much I loved him with my human heart, I needed God to step in like that or else we might have overstepped God's will for our lives.

I didn't hear from him again until just after I met Mr. Romance. Out of the blue, a friend of his called me up and asked me if I would speak to my ex again. It was strange because that's exactly what happened with my high school sweetheart after he broke my heart. Disappeared for a while - and later a friend of his calls me up. It was good closure at a time I needed it most.

Mr. Romance and I fell in love and were later married on a beach at sunrise on a Sunday.

Being back at the chapel today brought me back to that moment when my ex disappeared and how we came so close to getting married there. While most people would expect some bitter feelings to linger, I actually had so much peace about not marrying him. It simply wasn't meant to be. But the person who was sitting next to me today? Now, that's exactly who I was meant to be with.

For better or worse.

"And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah"
-Leonard Cohen

My Missing

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 04:38:00 +0000

"You hide your answers within every smile
Time and time again I'd lose my chances
To reconcile
Even if I had my time over
it would take a while
To reveal all my best intentions
That I let slip by

I miss you in my life
I miss you in my life
I miss you in my life
So miss you in my life"
-Xavier Rudd

We're Going To Be Okay Here

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 21:11:00 +0000

I love being a stay at home mother. While I have nothing against working mothers at all, being a stay at home mom is super important to me. My parents were working parents. Thankfully my grandparents were able to raise me instead of going to daycare for most of my life. I did the daycare thing too, but I didn't enjoy it as much as being with my grandparents. In fact, I was probably the only older elementary student at the daycare. And when I was a teenager, I had no parents to come home to at the end of the day. It was just my brother and I. I ended up getting into trouble a lot after school because there wasn't anyone there to care what I did or where I went.

My children have full time working grandparents. I was never comfortable leaving them in the care of someone who wasn't family. Having our girls raised by family is important to both Mr. Romance and I. So that's why I stay home with them.

Growing up without my parents around most of the time, I found our relationship was always strained. I was never "close" to them. We never talked about really important stuff. I never went to them when I really needed to talk about something. As a result, they never really understood me. Now, I'm not saying all kids without a stay at home parent will turn out like I did. But I needed that. I needed family. There are some things I just won't take a chance on when it comes to raising my children. One of those things is being there for them when they need me.

I will never regret the decision to stay at home with my children. Thankfully, Mr. Romance understands this need completely and we do whatever it takes for me to be able to stay home.

But doing whatever it takes isn't always easy. In fact, it would often be easier to go to work and have that second income than to stay at home with my girls. But that's the choice we've made.

Right now, we're in the middle of one of those tough situations no one seems to understand. Mr. Romance used to have a well-paid heroic career that supported all of us, but we were still living paycheck to paycheck. A year and a half ago, we made an important decision to better our life in the future. We knew this would mean struggling harder than we already were - but only temporarily. Someday, we know we won't have to struggle anymore, and will even be able to help those who have helped us get to that point.

Mr. Romance left his job, we moved in with my parents and he's going to school full time while we're trying to live off of what little income we get from his GI Bill (which could or could not come on time every month - very unpredictable). I still stay at home with my girls. I do some work from home that is usually just enough to pay one bill - but at least it's something. We don't have extra money for eating out. We don't have extra money for shopping sprees. We don't have extra money for concert tickets. We don't have extra money at all - for anything. In fact, if we do, it usually comes from someone else who feels sorry for us.

I'm usually okay with not having money. I see the goal and I know this situation is temporary - very temporary. We often struggle the most between semesters because it can take the VA over a month to process enrollment in a new semester. So sometimes there are months we have no income at all. That puts a strain on all of us - even my parents because they're trying to cover for us. Regardless of us understanding this situation, I know our kids don't understand.

Every semester break, while we're waiting on our checks to start rolling in again, I start feeling really bad for my kids. Because we put a strain on my parents too at this time, our food money has to be stretched as far as it possibly can be. That means having PB&J a lot. I feel bad about that though. I want so much more for my children. I start having that stay at home mom guilt.

But then I look at their faces and how they don't complain about the PB&J. In fact, they don't complain about much at all. While we took a step back from where we were and moved in with my parents and have a minimal income (sometimes not even enough to survive for a month), they don't mind this. They love being around my parents and creating that bond they wouldn't otherwise have had. I love having that relationship with my parents now. Despite what the past looked like, we are super thankful to them for helping us out and that they are there for me right now. Some days are hard - very hard. But we're going to be okay here. It's temporary.

"And if I cant be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me?"
-Alexi Murdoch

No Envy No Fear

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 03:04:00 +0000

"The place we used to call our home
Can't be found when we're alone
So have no envy and no fear
Have no envy and no fear"
Joshua Radin

I Just Like The Important Stuff

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 03:27:00 +0000

Today I found one of my old blogs on Livejournal. Livejournal was the popular blogging tool before Wordpress or Blogger or Tumblr. I was on there for years - often changing blog names with every major new chapter in my life. I made some incredible friends on there.

I read through a lot of my old posts - which began sometime around the time I found out I was pregnant with C. Some were good. Some were bad. I absolutely loved seeing all the old pictures I had posted and forgotten about. There's some seriously cute ones of H on there.

One major observation while reading through it was that I am nothing like that person anymore. It's amazing the changes I've gone through even since getting pregnant with C. Our family life has changed so much! That being said, I also read through a lot of struggles that we had. I believe a lot of the struggles and changes we went through as a family has a lot to do with the change in me.

I often wonder what happened to a lot of the people I knew from Livejournal. Some of us had such tight friendships. It's really amazing to me how something like the Internet is holding us all together - and for that matter, ripping us all apart. Most people won't take the time to write snail mail. People will barely even email anything anymore thanks to social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter. If you're not friending each other there, it seems so many friendships will just fade away.

I miss my life before social networking. I miss the effort that went into friendships. I miss knowing there was someone out there who would take the time to find out how you're doing rather than wait for your status updates.

Although I've made great friends through blogging, in a weird way, I think sites like Facebook have destroyed some of my friendships. We didn't always know everything about each other. We didn't have to. And I don't always want to know everything about everyone. Blogs take time to express the things you want to say - the important stuff. You only really found out what they really wanted you to know. There is a sense of importance in what people write when they have the ability to use more than 140 characters. Social networking seems to bring out stuff that someone wouldn't ordinarily say if they had to write several paragraphs about it. Most people (myself included, probably) tend to update about every feeling they have toward every event that happens in their day - even if it's just the fact that they are bored or tired. I don't need to know how someone reacts to every thing that happens in their day. As much as I hate it, it's a bandwagon I'm too scared to get off of right now. That being said, social networking is like having a few hundred unwanted roommates. And as I have learned from experience, sometimes we're better friends than roommates.

I just like the important stuff.

"The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before."
-Death Cab For Cutie

For The Ones We'll Never Know

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 04:04:00 +0000

One would think that after having my tubes tied over two years ago, that I would be used to the idea of not having any more babies. However, it's been a tough thing for me to deal with. I didn't tie my tubes because I didn't want to have any more babies. I got my tubes tied because I didn't want to get pregnant again only to lose that baby.

As I've mentioned before, both of my pregnancies resulted in early labor. With a doctor's suggestion and even a second opinion, we knew the risk of having another baby and having another early labor - even earlier than the first two - that would result in the baby dying. That's a pain I don't want to set myself up for, and I agreed to have my tubes tied to prevent that from happening.

All that being said, I wasn't ready to stop having babies. I wanted to have lots of babies. The babies we've had are incredibly beautiful. Mr. Romance and I were quick and easy when it came to getting pregnant. I just couldn't grow full-term babies. I don't regret getting my tubes tied. I just wish I could have had more babies. That's all.

While we are highly considering adoption in the near future, there is still that part of me that misses pregnancy.

Tonight, my mom asked me to pick up some baby shower gifts for a co-worker of hers who is having a little girl. Since hubs and I are raising 3 little girls, I thought I was perfect for this job. It was a lot harder than I expected it to be. Even though I haven't been pregnant in over two years, I haven't been around a lot of other babies or pregnant women. So when it came time to shop for a baby again, I found myself choking back tears and getting really emotional about it.

I think there is still some mourning to be done for the babies we'll never have. My heart has so much room from the love I had for even the idea of these babies. We'll never have these babies. I just don't think I ever dealt with that reality.

Sure, we'll probably adopt within the next couple of years. But I believe that will be a completely different experience. It's an experience that leaves you emotionally pregnant, rather than physically pregnant. I have wanted to adopt since before I ever became a mother. My heart has a great place reserved just for adopted children. It's a love no different than the love I have for the children I gave birth to. It's just a different experience.

I think I just needed to grieve a little for the ones we'll never know.

"There’s still a little bit of your song in my ear.
There’s still a little bit of your words I long to hear."
-Damien Rice

I Need To Help Me

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 14:39:00 +0000

There's nothing quite like the moment you realize you're overweight. Thankfully by Wii standards, I'm not "obese" but I am overweight. I didn't need the Wii to tell me that though. I always knew I was bigger than I wanted to be. The scales have told me that for the past couple of years. For the past year I've been heavier than when I was full term pregnant with C (who is now 2). But when it really sank in just how bad it was and that I needed to do something about it happened this weekend when everyone would show me the pictures they were taking of me at the reunion. I wanted to grab every camera and go through and delete every single picture of me.

I was no longer the girl from last year with the pudgy little tummy, but still bigger in the boobs than anywhere else. I still have those big boobs, but everything else seems to have caught up with it. Cute clothes just aren't so cute on me anymore. After viewing the first few pictures, I found myself self-conscious about how I'd hold my head up so my neck wouldn't look so fat. When I would sit, I would mostly try to sit leaning back so that my fat tummy wouldn't pudge out so much and I'd hang my arms over my mid-section. I'm a pretty short person as it is, and when I sit down, I tend to look a lot bigger than I am when I'm standing up and all my fat is evenly distributed. It's exhausting to constantly think about that though. I can't constantly twist and turn my body in fear of someone taking a picture of me. Even if someone takes a good picture of me, I know that's not the real me.

The fat is all over me now - not just those "trouble spots." Everywhere is a trouble spot now. I can't even get the courage to post any pictures from the trip that have me in them despite my haircut being pretty cute.

I look over the rest of these pictures of my family and I can't help but notice that almost everyone in my family is overweight. I only wish I were guilty by association. I take full responsibility for this. I know I can only change me despite how much I want to change them too. And maybe that's why I am so determined to lose weight now. Almost everyone I know who is overweight has health problems. You don't see anyone overweight living to be 100 years old. And I want that long life. More than the long life, I want a healthy life so that I can always be there for my girls.

Thanks to Mr. Romance who got on the weight loss bandwagon a few days before the weekend, I was consciously trying to make good choices when it came to eating. Instead of taking naps after every meal, I tried to take a walk instead. And I'm proud to say that after making some good choices on food this weekend combined with lots of walking around, I still lost a pound. While a pound doesn't sound like a whole lot, I am totally happy that I had no weight gain (especially water weight from all the water I drank and all the unhealthy food that was served).

One pound lost or not, I know I really need to lose some more weight. I hate not being comfortable in my own skin. I hate seeing how much larger I could be if I don't do something about this right now. I know I am the only person who can help me. I need to help me.

"Too alarming now to talk about
Take your pictures down and shake it out
Truth or consequence, say it aloud
Use that evidence, race it around."
-Foo Fighters

People Judge.

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Fri, 28 May 2010 04:47:00 +0000

I've been toying around with an idea lately. It could be fantastic or it could be totally ridiculous and an instant invitation for the whole world to start laughing at me.

I recently took a trip to a favorite thrift store in search of a couple of summer dresses or skirts or even some good capri pants. I just need something other than jeans for this weekend at the lake. I mean, jeans are torture when it's 90 degrees outside and you're living outdoors for four days. Although I've had great luck when I'm not searching for anything specific (I probably could have found tons of great shirts and shoes that day), I hit a brick wall that day. Most of what I found that I liked was in the wrong size.

I got to looking a little closer at what was left on the rack that people weren't buying. Was it really all that bad? Probably. But it gave me a (hopefully) good idea. What about dressing like a dork for a year? What if I became the person who finally bought those clothes that no one else wanted?

I used to be a trendsetter when it came to clothing and hair. Since becoming a mom, I don't know where I stand with that, but I do know I've always had a style of my own that people really like. But what if this trendsetter started dressing in that stuff no one bought? Would it become a hit or would I have a tougher time making friends because everyone thinks I look ridiculous?

It's amazing how we judge each other so much on our appearance. We all know who we are is 99% on the inside. However, if you get a ketchup stain on your shirt at lunch, people won't see you the same as if you were completely clean. They (probably unknowing) start to judge you a little as someone who is clumsy or someone who loves to pig out on food and someone with no spare time and was in a rush. And while some of that may be true of you, it's not all that you are. Yet, who we are on the outside is so often what we're judged to be on the inside too.

So I'm not fully committing to this "dressing dorky for a year" project just yet. I need some time to think it over. Sure everyone says I'll be better off finding friends who will love who I am on the inside and who look past the outer appearance. But I don't think anyone realizes how hard it is to find a friend who has things in common with you when your outward appearances are nothing alike. Who is going to take the time to get to know me?

People judge.

To me, you're strange and you're beautiful
You'd be so perfect with me
-Aqualung

Several Miles

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Wed, 26 May 2010 19:28:00 +0000

"Several miles have come between
All for the best it seems
And just in case you're listening
to this song, I will make it
clear that I still love you

Whatever happened, it don't need to be second guessed
We move from one home to a new address
Oh it's just miles, miles behind us
Miles to go, miles behind us"

-Ron Sexsmith

(had someone on my mind today....)

March For Babies

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Tue, 25 May 2010 04:20:00 +0000

This weekend Mr. Romance, the girls, and I participated in the March for Babies (supporting March of Dimes). Last year, I was the only person who walked. This year, I talked Mr. Romance into going with me. Of course, we couldn't leave the girls behind.

Both of my pregnancies resulted in early labor. My a miracle from God, our girls were still born healthy. We had a lot of developmental issues with them after they were born, but we were lucky to not spend even one day in the NICU.

Last year, I was fortunate to get to know this other mother online. Sadly, it was because her daughter had just passed away. They were huge supporters of March of Dimes. Due to her daughter being a preemie, she had a lot of health problems and that would eventually be too much for her little body to handle. She passed away last year. She was C's age.

I learned a lot about March of Dimes through this mother. There's currently an average of 500,000 babies born prematurely every single year. Someday, the March of Dimes is going to change this. The numbers have already started decreasing over the years, but we're all looking for that number to drop to zero. And I believe it will - someday.

Knowing everything that March of Dimes does, it has become a cause close to my heart. We were super lucky to have our babies turn out healthy. Other parents have sadly watched their babies pass away or struggle a lot harder than we have developmentally. Our struggles are nothing compared to what other parents deal with.

Still... when it comes time to March for Babies, I can't help reflecting on those moments of pregnancy that terrified me. We almost lost H. By some miracle, she was delivered minutes before she would have died in the womb. As for C, she was an even harder pregnancy that ultimately resulted in our decision to stop getting pregnant.

This was the first year that the girls participated in March for Babies. While C is still a little young to understand, I was surprised that H took such an interest in it this year. She translated it to mean that were there to walk for babies who are sick. When we got there, she asked me where the babies were. I pointed out the local ambassador baby for this year and we learned of his story. While I don't expect a 4 year old to understand things like this fully, she was proud to be there and make a difference.

I don't know when I will tell the girls about their own births and why this cause is so close to our hearts. I suppose the right moment will come.

"I'm a new soul, I came to this strange world
hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take."
Yael Naim

One Of Those Days

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Fri, 21 May 2010 04:10:00 +0000

One thing about me, I won't let anything get in the way of our goal here. We've had a lot of bad things happen that I could have let destroy the dream.

But I refused to let that happen. And I refuse to ever let that happen.

Right now I'm 31 years old and I'm living with my parents. It's not easy living with my parents - for either of us. I try to keep that in mind when I get annoyed by things. It's so easy to say "poor us" on bad days. But I can't imagine what it's like for my parents to never live alone.

Every parent thinks about that day - the day their children turn 18 and leave the house. No one ever really thinks about the day those children come back - especially when those children are 31 years old.

It's a tough dynamic.

Some days I feel like I'm losing my mind. It's really hard to have a fight. It's really hard to be a frustrated parent. It's really hard to have a bad day. But it's harder to hear my parents gripe about things. And it's especially hard to not feel like a burden when they gripe about things. I also really hate it when they take out their frustration with Mr. Romance or my kids out on me.

I feel like I should always be thankful for what they do for us, but there are days that are really hard to be thankful. It's not that I won't always be thankful for giving us a roof over our head and food on the table. You have no idea how much I appreciate that. This is something I can probably never repay.

But there are days no one has anything nice to say. Those days are really hard to get through. Today was one of those days.

"And the side you'll never get to see is the part I keep from everyone."
The Frames

Hard To Swallow

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Thu, 20 May 2010 04:10:00 +0000

I'm so distracted by the weather outside, that I don't know if I'll be able to write anything worth reading tonight, but I'll try. I found it odd yesterday that I wrote so much about friendships. because I was contacted by an old friend whom I haven't spoken to since all this started. I don't know how much of a comfort my response was, but I did my best to explain everything that has happened. I don't know where we'll go from here. I guess I will leave the ball in her court. Maybe she'll read this blog and realize she still likes me. Maybe she'll read it and decide it's best if we just stay separated.

I think that's the most frightening part of this journey. I've reached a point where I know exactly who I am and I love that person. And to feel that way about myself makes rejection so hard.

It reminds me of the day we were trying to rehome Lenny, a schnauzer we adopted but had to rehome because Mr. Romance's parents wouldn't let us keep him there. He was the best dog. My heart is still very broken over having to rehome him. The reasoning wasn't fair - but I guess that doesn't matter when it wasn't "our" house. Had I known we would be kicked out a month later, we would have kept him and made them deal with it till we moved. Ugh. My heart seriously hurts when I think about this. My point to bringing it up was that we knew he was the perfect dog. He was so sweet. He only barked when he was "talking" to us. He refused to ever pee or poop inside the house. At the shelter, they said he would actually hold it all weekend and he would have to be the first one they'd take out on Monday morning because he just refused to pee or poop where he lived. He had to go outside. We think he was actually part poodle because he didn't shed at all. He also knew how to sit, stay and a few other commands. Lenny also loved to cuddle and loved going on road trips. Perfect dog, right?

When it came time to rehome him, it was heartbreaking enough (H took it the worst and bawled for a good month and a half over it). Then when we met people who thought he wasn't going to be a good fit for them, I couldn't believe it. I mean, how could you not love our Lenny? The people who eventually took him had just lost their dog who they had for years. They were a little cautious that it wouldn't work out just because they were so used to their old dog. I'm assuming it worked out because we told them to contact us if it wasn't working out and we'd take him back, but we haven't heard from them. Deep down, I knew it would work out for them. The way they described their love for their dog who passed away was so much like the love I had for Lenny. There was nothing to not like about him.

I guess in some ways, I feel that way about myself. I like myself. So when someone tells me they don't like me, it's hard to swallow.

"If you want, you can get to know me well."

Matchbox 20

The Real Me.

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. Romance) — Wed, 19 May 2010 04:09:00 +0000

Today I decided to email my old therapist. I kind of miss her. While my appointments were to deal with events happening in my life at that time, I learned a whole lot about myself.

She wouldn't tell me what I wanted to hear. Let's face it, I didn't pay her enough to do that. But she told me what I had never heard before. She helped me figure out what kind of person I was. It was the person I knew I was. I've just never been able to get anyone else to see that person - till I met her. I thought for sure that the perception I had of myself was not real. Maybe it was the person I wanted to be and I simply wasn't that girl. But through the sessions with my therapist, I was able to realize that I was that girl. It was who I was surrounding myself with that made me stop believing I was that person.

I spent a lifetime excusing who I really was for the person everyone thought I was. That's not saying I have never had friends or that people have never made me happy or that there haven't been people I've loved being around. But I was always sorry that they were never be able to see the real me.

Everyone sees me as someone I'm not and I get tired of fighting to defend the person I am.

For my family, it was always seeing me as the person I used to be and never believing I had changed. They have a way of turning the scars of my past into fresh wounds. They include my past as a whole of who I am, instead of seeing my past as something that turned me into who I've become. Those are two separate things.

For friends, it was not being able to see that past and know exactly how it had changed me. The past was what I learned from. The past has everything to do with the decisions I make today. There is a strength there most will never see without knowing things I've been through.

I just want to be who I really am. I want the people I become friends with to know who I really am. I don't want to force friendships based on who I am not. It was exhausting. Saving old friendships would mean starting over - forgetting what they think they know about me.

And I guess, unless someone has the time to sit and get to know me like my therapist did, no one will ever really get it. That's why I thought this blog would be a good idea. It will be that place of no excuses for who I am. It will be a place I can always be myself. For someone who would have the time to read all of this, you're that much closer to knowing the real me.

"When we all need time to let our memories go,
you've struggled with your past and dreams that aren't your soul."

Stereo Fuse