What are Connected Parenting Groups?

Starting this week, once/month I will be leading Connected Parenting Groups focusing on a different topic each month.  In a small, comfortable group environment, I will share current research and facilitate discussion while incorporating Attachment and Adlerian Theories in parent-friendly terms.

What is the topic for this month?

This month I will be discussing Anxiety.  I will teach the brain science behind anxiety and management strategies for helping your child when he/she is experiencing anxiety.

When and Where?

The sessions will take place at the ABLE Developmental Clinic in West Vancouver, #110 – 585 16th Street, West Vancouver. To accommodate people’s schedules, I am offering a morning session this Thursday, February 23rd from 9:30am-11:00am and an evening session, next Monday evening, February 27th from 7:30pm-9:00pm.

What is the cost?

The cost is $25.00 per person + tax – there is a 20% discount if you register for all four topics at once.

How do I register?

Call the receptionist at ABLE Developmental Clinic at 604-922-3450.  She can take your credit card information over the phone or you can drop a cheque by the Clinic.

The Link to the Flyer

The flyer lists the topics for the upcoming months.  Please click on this link to see the flyer:Connected parenting groups  Please forward to friends who may be interested.

Groups for Children/Youth Experiencing Anxiety

I am also offering six week courses in Anxiety and Management Strategies for Children and Youth.  Please click on this link to see this flyer: Anxious Groups for Children/Youth

Hope to see you at a Connected Parenting group!

Warmly,

Sharon

Registered Clinical Counsellor, Able Developmental Clinic, West Vancouver

www.ableclinic.ca     Attention   Behaviour    Learning     Emotion

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How Do You Keep Yourself Filled Up?

Last week I discussed the importance of filling your child’s attention “cup” with positive attention, before she/he defaults to negative attention.  However, in order to have energy to give to your children you need to have topped up yourself.  What are the best ways to do this?  Of course, this answer varies for each individual but here are some suggestions to consider:

• Begin your morning with a short meditation - start with sitting up in bed (before everyone else is awake!) and just focus on your breath for five minutes – gradually increase the time as it becomes more of a habit.  As thoughts come, just let them go and re-focus on your breath. Some people prefer a more directed mediation where on focuses on some words such as these which I have taken from the Yoga Journal:   “May I be filled with loving-kindness; May I be peaceful; May I be healthy; May I be happy.”  (Repeat several times).  Finish by setting an intention for the day.  For more information on incorporating Mindfulness and Meditation into your life, read my blog on Practicing Mindfulness.  Research has proven that meditation grows the calming areas of your brain!
• Wake up early enough in order that you have time to get yourself ready, set the breakfast table, and create a calm atmosphere in the home.
• Get enough sleep!  Adults need, on average, 8.25 hrs. of sleep per night – everyone can be more patient and energetic with enough sleep.
• Eat well and exercise!  (For women, get inspired by reading the book Younger Next Year - “contains all the tools to achieve longer, sexier and more passionate lives”) Try yoga!
• Reduce your stress!  Pare down the social calendar, only take on what you can manage.
• Do something to nurture your spirit - for some this may involve attending church, or reading spiritual books, for others this means going for a walk and connecting with nature.
• When all else fails, take deep breaths! BREATHE – your child is not trying to push all your buttons – your child is expressing a need to connect.  Give yourself a few minutes of quiet time.  Shift the energy – give your child a hug, read a story together, hear their feelings, what is your child trying to communicate through this behaviour?
• Unplug!  Texting and talking does not equal positive attention!  Computers/TV and talking does not fill up a child!  Children need to know that you are giving them your undivided attention for it to really fill them up.
• Repair the Relationship if you and your child have an argument.
• Practice gratitude - research has proven that expressing thankfulness for what one has, positively effects one’s mood.
• Spend time doing what you love – connect with your passion – use your creativity
• Connect with friends and other parents – share stories – attend my “Connected Parenting” workshops

Have a wonderful week, filling yourself up!

Warmly,

Sharon

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What is the definition of Love?

According to Brené Brown, researcher and author of The Gifts of Imperfection and I Thought It Was Just Me, who conducted 10 years worth of interviews, she came up with this definition:

Love:  We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honour the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something that we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows.  Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.

~ p. 26, The Gifts of Imperfection

Reconnect Valentine’s Day to the Core Ideas of Love and Human Connection

Sasha Dichter of the Acumen Fund is rebooting Valentines Day and calling it Generosity Day.  In other words, Random Acts of Kindness Day.  In our busy lives, Valentine’s Day can be a wonderful day just to focus on love.  Loving each other, ourselves and performing random acts of kindness for strangers.

As for children, why not celebrate love with them?  Make heart shaped cookies together.  Put a Hershey’s kiss in their lunch bag with a little note.  Decorate the dinner table with construction paper hearts with messages written on them.  Light some candles for the table and have each person go around and say something they love or feel thankful for about each person.

Have a Love-ly Day!

Warmly,

Sharon

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The Importance of Filling Yourself and Your Child with Positive Attention

Being a parent is rewarding and exhausting!  We all know that all areas of our lives are harder to handle when we are drained, particularly being a parent.  If you think of yourself as a big jug of juice and your child/children as the glasses that need filling, it’s easy to see why it’s so important to keep yourself topped up.

What happens when your child’s cup gets empty?

Children instinctively know that they need attention.  As Attachment Theory reminds us, the need to attach and thus receive attention is innate.  If children are unconsciously feeling low on attention, they will find a way to fill themselves up by using negative attention seeking behaviours.  One may think that children would rather have no attention vs. negative attention, but the truth is that their attachment needs are strong and if this is the only way to connect, they’d rather have negative attention than none at all.  (Having also worked in schools for many years as a counsellor, I have seen this pattern play out over and over again.)

What does negative attention seeking behaviour look like?

• sibling rivalry/peer conflict
• whining
• oppositional behaviour
• physical acting out
• mischief
• repeatedly asking questions
• rudeness
• giving up – sense of inadequacy
• constant interruptions        etc. etc.

How do you fill a child’s attention cup?

• 1:1 time – children love 1:1 time with each parent – make a date and write it on the calendar so they know they can count on it!
• Turn off the screens!  TV and video games drain children and become an easy substitute for quality time with a parent (children will also develop their own greater sense of creativity if there’s no screen time filling the gap). Read more on this topic from Dr. Shanker’s perspective (Canadian brain researcher).
• Morning routine – make it a goal to fill your child’s cup as soon as they wake up.  Give them hugs, ask them about their dreams – take a few minutes to connect.  I have very positive memories of going to my grandmother’s house and waking up to see the kitchen table all set with cereal, milk, toast, jam, juice etc.  Your child will feel nurtured right away to arrive at a set kitchen table and this will also help with the transition from waking up to getting ready for school.
• When they come home from school – connect!  Have a snack together – food is a great way to attach.  Be careful your child is not over-scheduled with activities or play-dates!  School is draining, children need time to fill-up again!  Dr. Adele Diamond (another brain researcher) states the importance of this.
• Find time to hang out!  Play board games, card games, read a story together, go for a walk or a bike ride.
• Bed-time routine – put your children to bed early so that  you can have lots of cuddle time, story time and talk-time.  Spend time with each child and if possible, have each parent take part in this important 1:1 time.  A child who fills up at bed-time will fall asleep more peacefully.
• Write your child a letter and put it in the mail – many children in our digital world have never received a letter!  Write one now – just in time for Valentines!
• Ask your children what they would like to do!  Read the book How Full is Your Bucket? with them and discuss ways to fill up each other’s buckets (a.k.a. attention cups)
• When in doubt – give them hugs!  The more the better and without them having to ask!  As Dr. Gordon Neufeld says, “Hug them until they are satiated!”

Have a satiated and joyful week with your family, and remember, just as children come in all shapes and sizes so do their attention cups!  Depending on their temperament, and place in the family, each child’s attention needs will be unique.  Next week I’ll focus on how to fill your “parent jug”!

Warmly,

Sharon

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 This week is the Canadian Eating Disorder Awareness Week, encouraging us to focus on raising children with healthy body images.

Do you know any adult who is perfectly happy with his/her body?  It seems as though everyone wants to lose weight, gain weight, be more toned, or have bigger muscles.  Ultimately, we are all human and part of the human condition is accepting and loving ourselves for who we are and realizing that “perfection” (from the ego’s perspective) is unattainable.  In fact, many people have found that when they focus on liking themselves and managing their stress through breathing, yoga, exercise etc. instead of finding comfort in food, that they naturally lose weight.

The Importance of Teaching Our Children About Positive Body Image

If you don’t teach your child about a positive body image, peers, movies, advertisements and TV will.  Media can negatively influence your child’s values.  Most media promotes unrealistic images, beliefs, and attitudes which can lead to your children feeling badly about themselves.  Research has shown that by age four, children want to be thin!  It is never too early to start teaching your child about positive body image.

Check out this two minute Dove You Tube video which creates awareness about all the embellishments that go into producing the “perfect” model image:

Click here to view the embedded video.

 What Can We Do As Parents to Promote Positive Body Image?

• Model healthy behaviours for your children – avoid fad dieting and any mention of the words “diet” or “fattening”.  Engage in enjoyable physical activity without going to extremes, model healthy (but not perfect) eating patterns and food choices.  In moderation, allow your child some chips, chocolate, and ice-cream in order that they don’t crave it later on.

• Make healthy choices accessible in your home – make time to eat together on a regular basis and have fun cooking together and eating meals together.  Make healthy snacks easy to access, make physical activity a part of your regular schedule and limit “screen” time (T.V./computer/video games).

• Focus on overall health versus weight-loss – encourage your child to adopt healthy behaviours without focussing on an “ideal” weight.  Help your children to learn about themselves, and their qualities, let them know that looks are only a part of who they are.

• Provide a supportive home environment – provide unconditional love and let your child know it, be there to listen and provide support if your child discusses weight issues. If your child is “feeling fat”, ask more, “fat” is not a feeling but your child will probably be struggling with some negative feelings.  Find out how your child might be experiencing feelings of inadequacy or not feeling “good enough”.

• Teach your children that we all come in different shapes and sizes – media make fake images and people come in all shapes and sizes. For females weight gain during puberty is normal.  Teach your child about growth spurts.  Avoid making weight-related comments about oneself or others and teach that everyone deserves respect, regardless of size.  Compliment your friends and family on their wonderful personalities, successes or accomplishments rather than on their weight and shape.

• Do not use food as a reward or punishment – food should not be associated with love and acceptance.  This may encourage children to develop habits of seeking out food for comfort or self-punishment.

• Teach children to look at advertisements using  critical thinking.  Teach them to analyze ads and figure out what message the marketing company is trying to convey and what may not be true.  How do advertisements and certain toys reinforce body stereotypes?

• Encourage children to take responsibility for their own well-being.  Teach them to listen to their own bodies – to know when they’re hungry and when they’re full.  Don’t insist that they eat everything on their plate.

• Teach stress management skills.  Encourage children to engage in cardio exercise or breathing based exercise such as yoga, martial arts, or to practice breathing slowly and deeply when they are stressed.

• Teach children that their self-worth is not related to how they look. Emphasize their talents and qualities. Don’t focus on their physical appearance.

These tips are important for boys as well as girls.  Although more girls have disordered eating, there are many boys who also have disordered eating.  Many boys feel self-conscious about their weight or bodies and some engage in dangerous steroid use.  Be aware that there are dangerous Pro-Anorexia websites on the internet which are harmful and created by people with eating disorders.

No wonder we have so many people disliking their bodies when we are exposed to advertisements such as these.  Thankfully there was a public outcry when Ralph Lauren produced the above images of the two overly skinny women.

Let’s teach our children to love themselves for who they are.  For more information on eating disorders and positive body image go to www.nedic.ca

Have a healthy week!

Warmly,

Sharon

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“What nourishes the human spirit, the whole spirit, also hones our minds” ~ Adele Diamond

Last week I attended “Adele Diamond: Nourishing the Body, Spirit and Mind” presented by the Dalai Lama Center.  This UBC brain researcher’s presentation focused on the development of the Executive Functions in the Pre-Frontal Cortex.

What are Executive Functions?

The 3 Core Functions:

1) Working Memory – the ability to hold information in your mind while taking in additional information

2) Cognitive Flexibility – the ability to take the perspective of others and “think outside the box”

3) Inhibitory Control - attentional control, self-control

The Higher Order Executive Functions:

i) reasoning    ii) problem solving     iii) planning

According to Adele Diamond, Executive Functions are the core skills critical for positive cognitive, social and psychological growth.  Executive Function Skills are more important for school readiness than IQ.  They are also the first to suffer when you’re out of alignment.  Eg.  When you’re lonely, sad, sleep deprived, physically unfit etc.  Even mild stress increases the release of Dopamine in the Pre-Frontal Cortex (the centre for the Executive Functions).  Therefore, the more positive our mood, the greater one’s creativity and accessibility to the executive functions.

How to Encourage the Development of Executive Functions?

1) RELAX – stress is detrimental to one’s parenting abilities and children will pick up on their parents’ stress.

“Children live in the unconscious of their parents” ~ C.G. Jung

Children need “down-time”.  They need time to consolidate all of the information and skills which they are learning.  Most children are over-scheduled.

2) LISTEN – this the most basic and powerful way to communicate.  When a child is speaking, just listen, don’t go into problem-solving mode.  Love is the giving of your time and truly listening.  By listening, parents can make a connection to the emotional state of their child.  When children know they are valued, they feel valuable.  Try not to correct a child, but if you need to, start with the positive feedback first.

3) PLAY – social pretend play is very beneficial for the development of executive functions.  In this type of play, one uses working memory, inhibitory control and cognitive flexibility.  (Tools of the Mind - excellent research-based program for helping pre-schoolers develop executive functions.)

4) JOY – involve children’s imagination and passions.  Have faith in your child.  Give attention to all parts of your child:  social, spiritual, emotional and physical.  Each part develops best when not one is neglected.  EnCOURAGE – let your child take a chance.  Tap into your child’s natural intrinsic motivation.  Expose your children to sports, music, the arts.  Believe in your child.

5) COMPASSION – have children practice compassion every day.  Encourage them to participate in acts of kindness every day.  Model random acts of kindness. To learn something we new, we need the Pre-Frontal Cortex.  The only way something becomes automatic is through repeated, meaningful action.

Adele Diamond also quoted different research studies which have all shown that  participants perform at the level of which you tell them they are capable.  If you tell a group that they have been specially selected because they are bright, they will perform well.  If you tell a group that they will find a task difficult, sure enough, they will find it difficult.

“Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them become what they are capable of being.” ~ Johann W. Van Goethe

Other important points from Adele Diamond:

• It’s important to scaffold children.  Find ways to support them to give them successes
• Story-telling, without pictures, is another way of developing the working memory as one has to hold the information in ones’ mind while listening to the story
• Bilingualism aids in the development of executive functions as one exercises the brain by switching back and forth between languages, retrieving the right word in the right language, and inhibiting use of one language while using the other language
• Adults can increase their executive functions by practicing Mindfulness, meditation, ballroom dancing (75% less chance of dementia for ballroom dancers), continuing to learn another language
• Remember the Pre-Frontal Cortex (the home of the executive functions) isn’t fully mature until the mid-20′s – it is still immature through the teen years
• Instead of punishing a child, offer closed choices, teach them alternate ways of doing things.  When seeing “misbehaviour” as coming from hurt, one then can look it differently.  Punishment creates resentment, kids focus more on the punishment than on the “lesson”.  Dog training schools don’t believe in punishment so why would we…
• The brain is plastic – it never stops growing.  Exercise the areas that you want to make more robust

“Anyone who’s never made a mistake, has never tried anything new” ~ Albert Einstein

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Last night I attended a presentation of Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s work, on Developmental Attachment Theory and the importance of being an Alpha Parent.  Colleen and Patti Drobot did an excellent job of bringing Neufeld’s theoretical work to practical life.  As this generation is experiencing an incredible shift in parenting from the traditional authoritarian style of past generations to the connected, authoritative style of parenting of this generation, there can be much role confusion and conflicted messages from societal pressure and our own upbringing.  However, the bottom line is that parents have to be the ones in charge!  Permissive parenting is not okay.  Children need to have confidence that you can handle them and all situations that involve them. Children need to believe that you know what you are doing at all times!  This is a tall order, especially when being this confident kind of Alpha parent also means not giving your power away by losing your temper!

What are some of the reasons for a child being alpha?

• a child who may feel too vulnerable to depend on his/her parents (Eg. a child who is no longer able to cry in front of the parent)
• a child’s way of defending against alarming experiences
• a child perceives the parent as weak or inadequate and not able to take care of him/her
• a child who has lost or never had a strong attachment relationship with the parent
• a child is overcompensating to find control
• a child with a sensitive, possibly anxious temperament, who feels overwhelmed and not heard

What is an alpha parent?

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Internet Safety

Communication through technology is expanding faster than we can comprehend.  As parents, it is of paramount importance that we are aware of our children’s Internet use.  For 2 1/2 years I sat on the Lower Mainland Child Abuse Prevention Educators Committee and the facts that come out from the Canadian Centre for Child Protection are frightening. Computers in a non-common area such as a child’s bedroom or basement, laptops and web cams are all very dangerous for children and youth.  We grew up in an era where we were wary of strangers in a park, now these same “strangers” have direct access to children in our own homes! Does your child play on-line games with strangers?  Does your child chat on discussion forums?  Does your child have a Facebook account?

Limit Setting on Potential Dangers

You can put limits on these potential dangers.  Become a “friend” on your child’s Facebook account and regularly check who their “friends” are, what photographs they are displaying, what groups they belong to, and what messages are going back and forth on their wall.  Explain to your child that predators can be hidden behind a fake photo of a young gorgeous guy or girl, and therefore not to accept anyone as a “friend” unless one really knows this person. Moreover, your child should not add what school he/she attends as this can show up publicly in the search section, and immediately gives strangers too much information.   Use anti-virus software and firewalls and let your child know that all internet communication in your family will be monitored including their instant messaging history.  (See the Kids in the Know Safety brochure for information on how to do this.)  This is not a question of privacy, it is about safety, and sex offenders can be too crafty for children to know what they are getting themselves in to or how to handle situations once the relationship has already begun and the conversations have turned sexual.  Be sure your child is using a child-appropriate search engine (i.e. Yahooligans) to decrease the risk of being exposed to sexually explicit material. Check that their instant messaging account is set up so that no-one can speak to him/her without permission.  Check cell-phone bills for unknown long-distance numbers.

Kids in the Know and The Door That’s Not Locked

Kids in the Know and The Door That’s Not Locked are excellent websites developed by the Canadian National Centre for Child Protection.  They also operate Cybertip.ca and receive approximately 700 reports/month related to suspected pedophiles in Canada!  One mother contacted Cybertip.ca because she found out that through the internet her 14 year old daughter had met a 16 year old boy with whom she had fallen in love and was planning to meet.  Cybertip contacted the police and it was discovered that this male was actually 20 years old, known to police, and had a history of sexual assault.  Kids in the Know and The Door That’s Not Locked also have excellent information for parents, categorized by age, starting at age 5 and going up to age 15 on Safety and the Internet. They also have a newsletter for parents and educators.   This is a sampling of some of the great links on the Kids in the Know website:

1.  Top 5 Risks to Canadian Children on the Internet

Sexual offenders targeting online games that have chat rooms including interactive web games, computer and console games. ( more )

2.  Impact of Viewing Sexually Explicit Material

The purpose of this sheet is to provide parents and educators with background information about potential impacts on children viewing sexually explicit material. ( more )

3.  Why is Teaching Clear Boundaries so Important to Children’s Safety?

Teaching appropriate boundaries between adults and children reduces children’s vulnerability towards sexual exploitation. ( more )

4.  Protective Factors Checklist for Online Safety

Direct Protective Factors: The following protective factors are direct ways to increase online safety. ( more )

5.  Child Protection Plan: Increase child safety by reducing risks

This Child Protection Plan is designed to help create a “big picture” view of your child’s life. Once you have completed the Plan, you will be able to see where risk exists in your child’s life, and what protections (or protective factors) can be strengthened to increase your child’s personal safety. ( more )

Picture-Permanance!

Have you heard of Sexting?  Youth are now sending naked pictures of themselves to boyfriends/girlfriends via their cell phones.  (Read the tragic story of Jessie Logan to be aware of her story).  Be sure your child understands that once a picture or any e-mail is sent, s/he loses control of what happens to it – nothing is private!  While webcamming, pictures can be captured (freezing photos, recording video) by others without the other person knowing.

The Internet has made it too easy for our children to develop relationships with people they don’t know, who are willing to cross boundaries and victimize our children.  Please forward this article, “like” it on facebook or tweet to your friends and family to help protect our children and youth.

Be safe,

Warmly,

Sharon

p.s.  ** For Canadian readers – I promised to inform you each time British Airways offers their amazing deal of converting every RBC rewards point for 1.5 British Airways Avios points.  That’s a 50% increase of points and that’s how we were able to travel to Europe last summer for our fantastic home-exchange adventure.  This offer ends Jan. 31st, 2012.  Call 1-800-769-2512 to convert.  You don’t have to fly BA with your Avios points, they also have many affiliate airlines to take you to Hawaii, New Zealand etc. and you have three years to show some activity with your points, but be sure to book one year in advance.

pps.  Not yet a subscriber to Mama Compass? Enjoying the articles on Mama Compass? Enter your confidential e-mail into the subscribe box on the home page.  You will receive a “confirm subscription” e-mail from Feedburner (please check it doesn’t go to your spam e-mail) and then you will receive free, weekly articles guiding you in the 4Ps of: Parenting, Psychology, Personal Growth and Play.  Welcome to the Mama Compass community for Moms, Dads and individuals who want to increase their awareness and knowledge on a variety of topics.

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“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.” ~ Leo J. Burke

I love this quote!  It’s so true that until you experience having a baby you don’t realize how difficult it can be to get a child to sleep soundly.  The idea of “sleeping through the night” creates unrealistic expectations.  How many adults actually sleep through the night without one moment of awake-time?  Many adults also  wonder how to get themselves to sleep more soundly vs. walking around in a sleep-deprived state on a regular basis.  For many adults, they need to go to bed earlier and perhaps Dr. Christine Horner  ’s excellent information about the importance of sleeping from 10pm-6am in order for the body to experience optimal health, and be pro-active about not developing cancer, will be an incentive.

Teaching your child to self-regulate vs. “cry it out”, and teaching yourself to down-regulate

Dr. Stuart Shanker, whom I’ve written about before, a Canadian expert and researcher on the topic of Self-Regulation, recently gave an evening presentation called “Honouring Our Children’s Spirit – The Importance of Self-Regulation”.  Most of the evening, he discussed strategies for down-regulating children in order that they are ready for sleep.  Being a personal fan of Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s books that discuss temperament, I just finished her excellent book Sleepless in America.  Interestingly, she and Stuart Shanker share very similar perspectives.  Neither is a proponent of letting your child “cry it out”, otherwise known as “Ferberizing” (after Dr. Richard Ferber).  They both shared strategies that are useful whether you are an adult with sleep problems or a parent with a child having sleep difficulties.

Sleep Strategies:

• Our bodies are on a 25 hour clock, therefore, it is important to keep a consistent wake-up time
• Our bodies are attuned to nature, and therefore need light and exercise in the morning to realize that this is “awake” time
• Our bodies need to eat meals at predictable times, in order that they can synchronize their natural body rhythms
• We are all born with different temperaments; some individuals will be able to quickly adjust and adapt to an irregular schedule but for those who are more intense, sensitive, energetic, regular, and/or slower to adapt, they need more structure for successful sleep
• Observe the non-verbal signs which indicate the prime time “windows of opportunity” for transitioning from awake to asleep states, and don’t push yourself or your child past them, or you will create a state of being over-tired and then it will take much longer for sleep to occur
• Avoid light and stimulating visualization from computers, movies, television, cell phone text messages etc. a couple of hours before bed.  Some parents have found that by completely eliminating electronic screens from their children’s daily routine that it made a huge difference on their child’s ability to sleep well
• Avoid caffeine – a piece of chocolate or a drink of soda pop at lunch can disrupt a child’s system all the way through to the evening.  (Alcohol is another system-disrupter for adults).
• Exercise or rough-play before bed gets the body hyper-aroused and makes the switch to sleep very difficult (some parents have the false impression that “running” their child right before bed will tire them out, but in truth, it gets them “wired”)
• Create a predictable “going to bed” routine, and don’t try to rush it!  As Stuart Shanker said, as your child ages, he/she is not always going to want you to read stories and cuddle with him/her so treasure this time now and let go of your own”to-do” list. As an adult, create a bed-time routine for yourself that avoids screen time.
• Plan 45 mins. – 1 hour for the bed-time routine, in order that it’s enjoyable and provides enough time for calm and connection.  If you or your child have had a very stimulating day, or upsetting day, one needs time to get “filled-up” with down-time and connection.  We tend to be very busy in our daily lives and only at bed-time do we settle enough to let our thoughts and emotions come to the surface.  For this reason, at bed-time many children start to open up about the events of the day.  They may be drained from the day and need “filling-up” with parental attention and connection.
• Have a predictable, little “ditty” that you say at the end of your routine to cue that it’s now time for sleep, such as “Good night, Sleep tight, Love you, See you in the morning” or write “I Love You” on your child’s back with your finger

To down-regulate and “fill-up” a child with calming hormones vs. arousal hormones…

 Preparing the “switch” from awake to sleep

When my children were babies and toddlers, the books I read, advised against sleep-aids.  In hind-sight, I realize this created guilt if I did use a sleep-aid such as rocking my child to sleep, or lying down with my child to help him/her sleep.  Knowing what I know now, I would rock my baby guilt-free, play soft music or white noise if that’s what he/she needed and although our children sleep well now, they are welcomed into our bed in middle of the night if they are having a nightmare or feeling sick.  We have a very predictable routine, involving both my husband and me, and we all look forward to reading stories, having cuddles and the connection shared at bed-time.  Create a routine that works for you and your family and start earlier on in the evening, rather than later, remembering these averages for sleep:  Infants (0-12 mos.) 14-18 hrs. Toddlers (13-16 mos.) 13 hrs. including nap. Preschoolers (37-60 months) 12hrs. including nap – Mary Sheedy Kurcinka highly recommends keeping the nap.  School-age (6-12 yrs) 10-11 hrs. Adolescent (13-19 yrs.) 9.25 hrs.  Adult (20 yrs. +) 8.25 hrs.  I highly recommend reading Sleepless in America if you would like more information on assisting your child to sleeping independently, knowing the time-line for growth spurts which can completely disrupt your child’s routine for a couple of weeks and recognizing the connection between misbehaviour and sleep deprivation.

Here’s to a well-rested week for everyone,

Warmly,

Sharon

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January – a time for reflection and goal setting

January is often thought of as time for reflection.  This month is named after the Roman God, Janus (“the doorway”) whose image is one of a head with a face looking forward and a face looking back.  Janus became the ancient symbol for resolutions.  As we leave 2011 and enter 2012, it is an opportune time to take stock of our thoughts and behaviour.  Ask yourself, if you are feeling joy in your life?  Are you more positive than negative?  Are you taking responsibility for the choices you are making in creating your life?  Are you taking too much on?  Are you finding some time to re-charge your batteries? The season of winter invites contemplation as we move from the darkest days of the year towards more light.

January is a great time to press the “re-set button”, put negative situations in the past and try to work on the positives.  It is a time for identifying aspirations.  It may feel trite to set “New Years Resolutions” but research shows that people who write down their goals are much more successful than those who don’t.  The key is to actually put your goals into writing – this can also be a great exercise to do as a family. It is also beneficial to make the goals specific and measurable.  Here are some links to  specific check lists, created by researchers at McGill University, for goals such as Conscientiousness: increasing discipline, order, and integrity in one’s life or Agreeableness: increasing warmth, empathy and compassion or Openness: increasing creativity, philosophical and artistic interest.

Create Your Own Happiness Project

Gretchen Rubin’s great book The Happiness Project, is an inspiring read of her year of goal setting.  Each month she focussed on one goal, put it in writing, kept checklists, and reviewed her progress.  She then added one goal per month while continuing to work on the previous goals.  I loved her book, because she’s a researcher at heart, thus she backed up her goals with current research to motivate her to make changes in her life.  She also came up with the fun idea of creating her own twelve commandments:

• Be Gretchen.
• Let it go.
• Act the way I want to feel.
• Do it now.
• Be polite and be fair.
• Enjoy the process.
• Spend out.
• Identify the problem.
• Lighten up.
• Do what ought to be done.
• No calculation.
• There is only love.

 If you can get in the habit of looking at your checklist every thirty days, you will keep yourself accountable and on track.  If you are feeling overwhelmed and don’t know where to start, incorporating Mindfulness breathing into your life could be a trans-formative experience.  Taking 20 minutes a day to sit and breathe in quiet meditation could provide you with the renewed energy and calm in your life that you may be seeking.   Getting more sleep and exercise, eating less sugar and more vegetables are also popular and beneficial ways to be more healthy. Cutting out pictures and words from magazines and creating a Vision Board is another way of setting goals and putting them on paper.

Whatever may be your goals, I encourage you to write them down or glue them down and as Marianne Williamson says:

Use each interaction to be the best, most powerful version of yourself.  Try to rise to the occasion.  Be the most wonderful expression of you that you’re capable of. 

If you can do this for yourself, you will also be role-modelling for your children.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your own heart.  Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside awakens. ~ C.G. Jung

When I think of JOY, I think of J – Judge less, O – Open mind and heart, Y – You – take time for you and be your authentic self.

Good luck with your resolutions.  I would love to hear your own commandments or some of your goals for the coming year.

I wish you and your family much JOY for 2012,

Warmly,

Sharon

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