Permission to use this photograph given by Barbara Coloroso

Barbara Coloroso – Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline

I recently had the pleasure of attending Barbara Coloroso’s presentation sponsored by the West Vancouver School District Parent Advisory Council.  Barbara Coloroso is a long-time internationally recognized, educator, parenting expert and author from the United States.  I saw Barbara speak about 15 years ago and to hear her again, now with my Adlerian Parenting training, was reaffirming.  Her philosophies and parenting advice fit so well with Adlerian Parenting Theory.  Below is a summary of my take-home highlights and how they fit with Adlerian Parenting.

My Take-Home Highlights from Barbara Coloroso

• Invite kids to make choices, decisions and mistakes – we tend to teach kids what to think and not how to think  = Adlerian principle of Capability  “It’s critical that we teach this next generation how to think – not just what to think.” ~ Barbara Coloroso

• We want our children to have courage, to stand up for others, and the courage to make decisions for themselves = Adlerian principles of Courage and Counted (having a voice that counts)

Foster Intrinsic Motivation  vs. External Motivation               

“Bribes, threats, rewards and punishments interfere with ethical behaviour”  which leads to “What do I get?”  “What will you give me?” and “Does this count?”  fMRI brain scans show that giving rewards lights up the same part of the brain that is associated with addiction.  Whereas caring about others,  lights up the Pre-frontal Cortex – the higher level thinking, planning, self-regulating part of the brain.  (Barbara referred to a book called Sway, that outlines this research.)  Adlerian philosophy:  Stimulate cooperative behaviour without punishment or reward.

Encouragement vs. Praise

“A child needs encouragement, like a plant needs water” ~ Rudolph Dreikurs  (American psychiatrist and educator who developed Alfred Adler’s system of psychology.)

Barbara Coloroso:  Children need encouragement.  At least 6x/day they need to hear, “I believe in you” “I trust in you” and “I know you can handle this”.

Children need feedback.  They need:

• Comments:  good solid instruction – “This is how you tie your shoelaces” and for ethical issues, “This is how you advocate for yourself…”
• Compliments:  (In the form of encouragement vs. praise) Thank you for…   You did it!  I can see that you…   (use phrases with specific description – this creates agency or in Adlerian terms, capability)
• Constructive Criticism – tell them when it’s not right, encourage them to problem-solve

How to Handle the Digital World for Children and Teens

1)   Digital Smarts – how to navigate the Internet

2)   Digital Safety – understanding picture permanence, the risk of predators who may present as a friendly, young child etc.

3)   Digital Civility - Barbara explained that there is an old Sufi saying that before one speaks, one should think if his/her comment passes through the following three gates and in our technological age this applies to text messages, facebook comments, e-mails etc. as well:

1)  Is it true?     If so…

2)  Is it necessary to say?  If so…

3)   Is it kind?  If so, then press “send”.

*All digital devices need to charged in the parents’ bedroom at night – start this practice when the children are young

Discipline vs. Punishment

Barbara explained that discipline means to give life to a child’s learning.  It leaves a child’s dignity intact.  When one makes a mistake, you fix it, own it , learn from it and move on.

Mistakes happen at three levels:

Tier 1:  When kids make mistakes i.e. a child scribbles on a wall

Tier 2:  When kids make mischief i.e. a child plays tic-tac-toe with markers on a wall

Tier 3: When kids cause mayhem  i.e. tagging – spraying one’s signature graffiti mark on a wall

What’s the reality?  What’s the problem?  You’ve got a problem – what’s your plan?  Discipline needs to leave dignity intact.  The purpose of a time-out should not be for punishment, but for some time to calm down and then figure out how to do the repair of the problem.

Give three options – if you only give two choices they’ll be trying to figure out which one does my parent want me to do, so I can do the other!

For children under three, distract, disengage, disorient.

Involve children in the problem-solving process.  There are some limits which are non-negotiables, but it is important to explain the rationale.  For example, with a curfew for teens, “I can trust you up to midnight but after midnight the chances of drugs, sex and jail all dramatically increase which is when the curfew becomes a safety measure.”

Bullying and Teaching Kids to Care

Barbara is a passionate advocate for bullying awareness and prevention.  In her words, “We have to walk the talk, and talk the walk”.  She states that bullying is a learned behavior which happens when a child/youth watches someone in their circle of caring mistreat another person in that circle of caring.

We need to use our gifts of helping others by doing volunteer work.  We need children to grow up without being praise-dependent or as pleasers for others.  As they become teens, they may look to pleasing a bully.  They need to have accomplishments for themselves.  For example, when a report card comes home that is all A’s, a parent can say “Tell me about it”.  In Adlerian terms comment on the effort, “It looks as though you’ve put a lot of effort into your courses”.  Instead of “I’m proud of you”, a parent can say “You seem proud of yourself”.

Barbara Coloroso’s Three Alternatives to saying “No”:

1)   Can I have a cookie?  Parent:  “Yes, later”

2)   Can I have the car keys?  Parent:  ”Give me a minute to think about it” (when you need to think before you answer)

3)   “Convince me.”  If you’re still not convinced, let them know, or if you’re satisfied let them know – “I’m convinced”.

In summary, we want our children to grow up to be responsible and making wise choices.  Our goal, as  parents, is to increase decision making and responsibility (including chores, contributing to making meals), and decrease boundaries.  Parents can explain to their children, “You need to be responsible when you leave the house, so you need to take more responsibility now.”  For more information about Barbara Coloroso, she has a very informative website.

“Kids are worth it!” ~ Barbara Colorso

Warmly,

Sharon

P.s.  Not yet a Mama Compass subscriber?  No time to read all the latest parenting books and attend all the parenting workshops?  By entering your confidential e-mail in the right-hand box on our home page, you will receive a confirmation e-mail from Feedburner asking you to click to confirm (if you don’t receive it right away, check your spam e-mail), once you have clicked to confirm, you will receive free weekly articles guiding individuals in the 4P’s of:  Parenting, Psychology, Personal Growth and Play.  You can also follow on Twitter and receive automatic links to the latest articles.  Welcome to the Mama Compass community!

PPs. I am currently co-facilitating an 8 week Adlerian Parenting Group with my Co-Facilitator, Louise Clarke.  If you would like to be on our contact list for our next group, please e-mail me directly through this website.

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Mama Compass.com - Sharon Selby is Guiding Parents in the Directions of the 4P's

I recently had the opportunity to present to a lovely group of parents from Deep Cove Parent Participation Preschool on the topic of Decoding Each Family Member – The Nine Traits of Temperament.

We now know that individuals have their own unique temperament and it works much better to understand  a person’s temperament  and work with it than to go head-to-head with it.   Therefore, it’s important to be aware of the various traits of temperament which impact how each of us interacts with others and our environment.

By understanding temperament, a parent can work with the child, rather than trying to change his/her inborn traits.

~ Kathy Oliver, Ohio State University

 I will always remember, 10 years ago, spending my maternity leave with a dear friend whose baby was just a few weeks older than my daughter.  We would often go for walks and end up nursing our babies at the same time.  However, my friend’s child was voracious and would be finished in 10 minutes, whereas 45 minutes later my daughter would finish.  To this day, my daughter likes to take her time and absorb everything in her environment, whereas my friend’s child continues to be active and eager to go.  Both are great kids, just different styles – different temperaments.

Try this physical metaphor…

With another person, hold your hands up against a partner’s hands and begin to push.  What happens?  Without telling the other person, he/she will naturally push back.  This is our natural instinct and this is what happens in parenting too.  If we push our agenda on our children or become too controlling they will sense it and push back.  However, if we use “choice” language such as “I”m happy to support you but if you choose not to do this, that is your choice”.  They are more likely to accept our direction.  To be able to work with our children, and not push against them, is the key to understanding and supporting their temperament.

Recognize the role that temperament, both our own and our child’s plays in family life [as] continued success depends on respecting our differences. ~ Dr. Stella Chess, M.D. Professor of Child Psychiatry, New York University Medical School

The Questionnaire for Decoding Each Family Member’s 9 Traits of Temperament

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Although we all flip back and forth between being a Jellyfish parent, Backbone parent and Brickwall parent (Barbara Coloroso’s terms), setting limits can sometimes take us back to the default of a Brickwall parent “You do it because I said so!”  Since, our goal is to be a Backbone Parent (for as much time as possible) it may seem challenging to know how to set limits while being kind and firm.  SET communication is a very positive and effective way of setting limits.  The S.E.T acronym first came from the authors, Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus who wrote a book about Borderline Personality Disorder called I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me.  However, this SET method of communication works well for setting limits,  in general, with people of all ages.

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To understand how to address misbehaviour, we need to be familiar with the progressive 4 Goals of Misbehaviour according to Adlerian theory:  Attention, Power, Revenge, and Assumed Inadequacy (as mentioned in an earlier article.)

The biggest mistake is to immediately react to the misbehaviour and not pause to collect our thoughts, or consider the feelings behind our children’s behaviour.

Proactive Strategies for Handling Misbehaviour

Tip #1:  Your thoughts create your feelings.  If your child’s behaviour is triggering you, what are your thoughts?  Are you having “should” thoughts?  ”Should” thoughts set us up for failure…My child should be able to do this…My child should not be doing this… etc.  Instead of having “should” thoughts, pause, take a deep breath, and try to put yourself in your child’s shoes at this moment.

Tip #2: Empathy, empathy, empathy!  What are the “setting events” for your child right now?  Setting events are the factors that could be contributing to the problem such as tiredness, hunger, over-stimulation, under-stimulation, illness, temperament, hormones/puberty (which can start at age 9 yrs.), a diagnosis such as a neurological disorder etc.

Tip #3: More empathy!  What are the feelings behind the behaviour?  Behaviour is always a form of communication.  What feeling is your child trying to communicate?  Is your child feeling anxious, scared, over-excited, frustrated, hurt, sad. powerless etc?

Tip #4: “ FEELINGS FIRST, LOGICS LAST!”  This is my new slogan.  It is tempting to lecture, but until the right-brain feelings have been acknowledged and settled, the left-brain logical side will not be able to hear any kind of problem-solving conversation.  Stay calm, and continue to acknowledge your child.  Their age and the intensity of their emotions will determine your response.  For a younger child you may say “You’re really mad right now”, for an older child this could drive them crazy, and you would be better off saying “I know you’re mad and I understand that you’re furious with me”  or “You’re having a really rough day”.   As Dr. Gordon Neufeld says, move them from “mad to sad”.  Stay with them and help them soften their defenses – that is your goal.  You still stick to the limit you set (if this is what started this escalation), but you also empathize with their feelings. (Next week I’ll discuss limit setting).

Tip #5:  What’s the mistaken belief behind the misbehaviour? How does it make you feel?

If you, as the parent, are feeling annoyed, worried, irritated or guilty, your child is most likely engaging in attention-seeking behaviours.  He/she mistakingly believes that he/she is more significant and has a greater sense of belonging when receiving attention even if it is negative attention.  Key:  Ignore the negative attention-seeking behaviour and re-direct to something where you can give positive attention.  Refrain from coaxing, bribing, reminding, snapping, as these tactics will strengthen the behaviour.

If you are feeling angry or threatened, the goal of the misbehaviour is most likely power.  Key: Drop the rope, take the wind out of your child’s sails – disengage.  Pause, take some time to re-group.  Routines, consistency and predictability will be your best allies.  Family meetings are also essential for the power-seeking child.  Create jobs where the child can help and take on appropriate leadership responsibilities. Be kind and firm.  (Empathize and set limits). Give your child choices.  Refrain from losing your temper, and punishing, as this will strengthen the power dynamics.

If you are feeling hurt, or disappointed, the goal of the misbehaviour is most likely revenge.  The child is feeling hurt and so he/she is out to hurt others.  Key:  Empathize, acknowledge their feelings and don’t take their hurtful words/actions personally – they are hurting inside.  Find opportunities to reconnect, and re-pair.  Refrain from hurting back, and punishing.

If you are feeling hopeless, pity, or helpless, your child has most likely reached the stage of assumed inadequacy.  He/she appears to have given up.  Key:  Use “encouragement” not praise.   Break tasks into smaller steps. Notice strengths.  Find opportunities for success.  Refrain from feeling sorry for your child and over-functioning or expecting nothing.

When in doubt, find ways to re-connect.  A misbehaving child is a child who perceives him/herself as lacking in the 4 C’s of: connection (I belong), courage (I can handle what comes), counting (I can make a difference and I have a say), and feeling capable (I believe I can do it.)

Happy Easter!

Warmly,

Sharon

P.s.  Self-empowerment groups for children ages 7-11yrs. start this Thursday at the ABLE Clinic in West Vancouver.  This 6 week self-empowerment course teaches your child strategies to handle friendship dynamics/bullying, assertiveness training, optimism vs. pessimism, trusting thoughts vs. fearful thoughts, the importance of gratitude and random acts of kindness.  Call the ABLE clinic at 604-922-3450 for more information and to register.

Pps.  I will be co-facilitating an 8 week Adlerian parenting course on Friday afternoons from 12:30-2pm at the West Vancouver United Church.  This course will give you a supportive and positive framework for your parenting journey no matter how old your children are.  You will come away with many resources.  This group starts on Friday, April 12th.  Please e-mail me through the contact section on this website for more information.

Mama Compass.com - Sharon Selby is Guiding Parents in the Directions of the 4P's

Three Important Factors to Consider When Gaining an Understanding of a Child’s Self-Regulation Capabilities:

Practical Strategies:

• Children do as we do, not as we say.  It’s very important to model our own self-regulation strategies (taking a break, deep breaths, verbalizing our feelings by labelling our emotions.)
• Provide structure and predictability. Children who are experiencing self-regulation difficulties, feel out of control a lot of the time and therefore feel calmer when they know the upcoming schedule.  Give them a preview of what is to come and what they might expect.  Build a feeling of stability in the home and create consistent routines.  Weekly or Bi-monthly Family Meetings are very important for creating structure and predictability.
• Use appropriate touch as much as possible.  Hold hands, give back rubs, rub hand lotion on hands, write “I Love You” on their backs, play-wrestle, give piggy back rides and stand-on-my-feet-while-I-walk rides.  Rock them, cuddle them, hug them.  Touch is one of the most powerful ways we can connect and the more connected a child feels, the more secure, calm and self-regulated he/she feels.  Caution:  If a child turns away because there’s too much stimulation, such as can happen in play-wrestling, read the cues and move into a calmer form of touch.  Despite the fact that children laugh when they are being tickled, it is unusual to find a child who enjoys being tickled, but they do like to connect in a joyful way.  
• Be the Captain of the Ship – Kind and Firm.  Children need to know that we can take care of them especially when they are dysregulated.  They need to know that we will not abandon them as they experience tantrums etc.  They need to know that we are in charge and we know how to take care of them.  They will not feel secure if they hear us say “I don’t know what to do with you” or  ”I give up”.  
• Build an emotional vocabulary.  Use stories in books as a way to discuss how various characters might have felt.  Model the expression of feelings, talk about your feelings (I was so frustrated today when…  You seem really excited about…).
• Validate your child’s emotional state and accept their emotions.  Label your child’s emotions.  (You seem really mad about…)  If your child is too upset to hear any emotional vocabulary, label the fact that he/she is having a really hard time.  (You’re having a really hard time right now…)  Try to help your child move from anger to one of the many hidden emotions under the anger (fear, worry, helplessness, hurt, sadness etc.).  Read more on emotion coaching by John Gottman.
• Thoughts create feelings and feelings create actions – teach children to use positive self-talk.  Anxiety is based in fear and the opposite of fear is trust or love.  Teach children to think in more positive ways and to de-personalize situations.  Eg. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, I have other friends who like me, She’s just in a bad mood – she’ll be nicer later
• Reflect – once everyone has calmed down, (the defenses need to be completely down), chat about the earlier situation and discuss how it could be handled differently if something similar was to arise again.  Use the sandwich technique – first say something positive that was done well, then discuss the part that could have been handled in a more constructive manner and then finish on a positive, yet genuine note of appreciation
• Exercise – for many, exercise is a great way to up-regulate and down-regulate.  Build family exercise into your self-regulation program.
• Teach your child to identify his/her different levels of emotion. My favourite program for this is The Zones of Regulation.  Using the colours of blue (for under-regulated – sick, hurt, bored, tired etc.) green (for calm, focussed, relaxed and happy) yellow (for agitated, frustrated, worried, silly, excited etc.) and red (for out of control anger, fear, anxiety etc.)
• Create strategies with your child as to what he/she can do to get back to the “green zone” (when in one of the other colour zones).    The Zones of Regulation has some good ideas for this such as reading a book, walking a dog, asking for a hug, having some quiet time, going on a swing, taking deep breaths etc.

Mama Compass.com - Sharon Selby is Guiding Parents in the Directions of the 4P's

Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/emciek/938253079/

Last week I wrote about the meaning of Self-Regulation.  This week I’m focusing on the challenging task of getting ourselves to self-regulate, as children model what they see.  It’s quite fascinating that we expect our children to self-regulate, when even as adults, with much further developed brains, it’s a skill that for most, is very difficult to master.

 According to Dr. Gordon Neufeld, Vancouver-based developmental psychologist, a child’s pre-frontal cortex area of the brain, does not start to develop the ability to self-regulate until age 5-7yrs, and for more intense children, this estimation is closer to age 7 years.  Thus, this reinforces the importance of supporting our toddlers and pre-schoolers through their temper tantrums, as they are not cognitively capable of  more rational and higher-level problem-solving.

 In Dr. Laura Markham’s excellent new book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids:  How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting, she divides her book into three important parts:  I. Regulating Yourself     II. Fostering Connection    III. Coaching, Not Controlling

Her quote:

Parenting isn’t about what our child does, but about how we respond.  In fact, most of what we call parenting doesn’t take place between a parent and a child, but within the parent.  When a storm brews, a parent’s response will either calm it or incite a full-scale tsunami.  Staying calm enough to respond to all that childish behavior – and the stormy emotions behind it – requires that we grow too.  If we can use those times when our buttons get pushed to reflect, not just react, we can notice when we lose equilibrium and steer ourselves back on track.  This inner growth is the hardest work there is, but it’s what enables you to become a more peaceful parent one day at a time…an adult’s peaceful presence has a more powerful influence on a child than yelling ever could…that’s what produces children who are emotionally regulated, respectful and responsible. (p. xx-xxi)

How to Manage Your Anger

• Remember that during anger, the higher level thinking part of your brain is hijacked and the emergency fight or flight response takes over
• Take a break, walk away, zip your lips, splash water on your face, shake out your hands
• Remind yourself that this is not an emergency – your brain is having a “false alarm”
• Change your thoughts so you can change your feelings – your child is not the enemy – your child is probably having a “false alarm” fight or flight moment too – he/she is defending him/herself like a wounded animal
• Don’t act on the anger, ask what message the anger is telling us?  It’s easy to express anger – it’s a surface emotion that creates a defense, which is why it’s so prevalent as “road rage”.  Dig a little deeper – is this more a physiological reaction to a lack of sleep, hunger, or stress? Dig even deeper to the more vulnerable emotions – is this is a reaction to feeling scared, worried, hurt, sad, shame, disappointed, guilty, jealous, embarrassed or feelings of helplessness or powerlessness?  Identify what emotion is beneath the anger
• Don’t express your anger to another person while you’re still angry,  it strengthens the emotion and validates it
• Wait until you’ve calmed down before you start disciplining
• Never spank, hit, squeeze, pinch, push etc. (this models that physical aggression is okay and breaks trust in your relationship with your child)
• Avoid threats  (threats made when angry are unreasonable and irrational)
• Calm your voice as quickly as possible and calmer feelings will follow
• Reflect on your anger, and use it as a teaching tool, if the same patterns continue, seek counseling
• Put yourself on “pause” and when you’ve calmed down, start over.  The wisest choice is to take a break until the neurochemicals that have been flooding your body, telling you to attack, have subsided
• If you’ve said harsh words or used a harsh tone, always repair (re-pair) and model how one restores relationships

 Dr. Laura’s 3 Minute Process to Shift Yourself from Upset to Peace: (p. 22-23)

 1)   First minute:  Silently ask yourself…What’s the thought that’s upsetting you?  This thought most likely comes from fear, the opposite of fear is love, so try to interpret the situation from love

2)   Second minute:  Realize there is always another side to the story.  Try to see the situation from your child’s perspective.  Consider how your upsetting thought makes you treat your child.  If you let go of that thought, how would you respond to your child?

3)   Third minute:  Help Your Body Release the Feelings (Tap the acupressure point on the side of your hand – the karate chop point) while you take deep breaths.  Say something similar to “Although I’m upset, I can calm myself and handle this situation”

Dr. Laura’s final advice:  Commit yourself.  Tell your family members that you’re committed to stopping yelling.  Although, Dr. Laura doesn’t advocate sticker charts for children, she does recommend one for adults – as we won’t learn the wrong lessons from them – and she recommends that the other family members, for example the children, be the ones to determine if the parent deserves the sticker each day for using a respectful voice.   She also recommends putting up signs in the house to remind oneself about this commitment:  “I will speak respectfully to my children”.

Lastly, I always find it is works well to look at the intention behind someone’s actions.  Usually there is another perspective, which has no intention to create a response of anger and touch on all the deeper feelings below the anger.  Remind yourself that it takes a lot more inner strength to remain calm and express feelings than to flip into anger.

 Wishing you a week of positive thoughts, thus positive emotions,

Warmly,

Sharon

P.s.  To receive these free articles guiding individuals in the 4Ps of:  Parenting, Psychology, Personal Growth and Play, go the home page and enter your confidential e-mail in the right hand bar.  You will then receive a confirmation e-mail from Feedburner asking you to click to confirm.  If you don’t receive this confirmation, e-mail, check your spam e-mail.  Once you have confirmed you will automatically receive these articles to your in-box.  Welcome to the Mama Compass community!

Upcoming Events:

Barbara Coloroso (long-time parenting expert) is coming to the Kay Meek Theatre in West Vancouver, May 15th at 7pm.  Tickets are $15 for the parents of the West Vancouver School District and $20 for other registrants.  Click here to register.

I am giving my next Parent Education Evening on Anxiety/Anger and Management Strategies on March 11th (tomorrow) from 7pm-8:30pm at the ABLE Developmental Clinic.  Please call the ABLE Clinic at 604-922-3450.  Please try to pre-register but otherwise just show up at 7pm at the ABLE Clinic at #110 – 585 16th Street,West Vancouver.

I will be co-facilitating an Adlerian 8 week parenting group with Louise Clarke on Friday afternoons from 12:30pm-2pm at the West Vancouver United Church.  This group starts April 12th, 2013.  Please contact me through my website for more information on this group.

My Self-Empowerment 6 week group for children will be re-starting Thursday, April 4th.  Please see the flyer for more information and call the ABLE Clinic to pre-register your child: 604-922-3450.  There are three different age groups starting from age 6 yrs. to age 14 yrs.

My “Brain Course” for children (ages 6+) to teach them about  Anxiety and Anxiety Management Strategies will be re-starting in May.  Please contact the ABLE Clinic at 604-922-3450 to put your child on the list for these groups.

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The Famous Marshmallow Test

Recently I had the pleasure of speaking to the parents of Westcot Elementary and Inglewood Parent Participation Pre-School on the topic of Self-Regulation.  In the last 3-4 years Self-Regulation has become a real buzz word although the concept has been around for a long time.  Back in the 1960′s the famous “Marshmallow Test” was conducted by Dr. Walter Mischel of Stanford University.   In this delightful 3 minute video you will see young children wrestle with the mental challenge of resisting or trying to resist eating a marshmallow that is placed in front of them, with the instructions that they will receive a second one if they can control the temptation to eat the first one until they are allowed.  This long term study showed that the children who had shown the ability to wait got better grades, and as adults were healthier, enjoyed greater professional success, and proved better at staying in relationships.  The idea of “success” became less about IQ and more about EQ – emotional intelligence.

How Does One Define Self-Regulation?

Dr. Stuart Shanker, Professor at York University, Ontario, Canada has become one of Canada’s leading experts on self-regulation.  I have seen him speak twice in Vancouver and I really appreciate his approach and knowledge.  In his book, Calm, Alert and Learning, he defines self-regulation as:  ”The ability to monitor and modify emotions, to focus or shift attention, to control impulses, to tolerate frustration or delay gratification.”  A more comprehensive definition that he presents from the work of Baumeister & Vohs (2011) is:

1. Attain, maintain and change one’s level of energy to match the demands of a task or situation

2. Monitor, evaluate and modify one’s emotions

3. Sustain and shift one’s attention when necessary and ignore distractions

4. Understand both the meaning of a variety of social interactions and how to engage them in a sustained way

5. Connect with and care about what others are thinking and feeling – to empathize and act accordingly

Recognizing the Different Zones of Self-Regulation

The first step to self-regulating is creating awareness and recognizing where we are on a scale.  There are many programs available that teach children (and adults) how to recognize where we are on a scale.  My favourite program is called The Zones of Regulation by Occupational Therapist, Leah Kuypers.    I have seen her program implemented as a school-wide program (at Westcot Elementary) where every classroom from Kindergarten to Grade 7 uses the common language.  The colours are very clear and easy to understand and they tie into traffic signs and traffic lights.  Red (stop) = the most heightened state (angry, out of control, terrified etc.) Yellow (slow down) = an agitated state (worried, upset, silly etc.) Green (go) = calm, relaxed, happy, calm etc. and Blue (I think of sea level) = low energy states such as sadness (“feeling blue”, sick, injured, sleepy, bored etc.).  Once the students are familiar with the zones, they learn the strategies to help them stay in the “green zone” or get back to the “green zone”.  I also use this program in my counselling sessions and in my groups for children with anxiety and self-empowerment groups for children.

The Five Domains of Self-Regulation

According to Stuart Shanker there are five domains to be aware of when we think of self-regulation:

1.  The Biological Domain: this is the activity or level of energy in the human nervous system.  This is when we look to see if a child needs “down-regulating” or “up-regulating”.  Occupational Therapists have specialized training in this area and may suggest a fidget toy for a child who needs to fidget to be able to listen better!  What a shift in thinking from the old mind-set of “sit still and pay attention”.  Other children may need a wobble disc to rock on as they work and others may need a quiet corner in the classroom where they can get relief from all the external stimulation.

2. The Emotional Domain:  this is the energy around feelings and moods.  The more a child is feeling calm, happy and safe the more curious, interested and confident the child will be as a learner.  The more stressed, angry, frustrated, anxious, ashamed etc. children feel, the more difficulty they will have concentrating.

3. The Cognitive Domain:  these are the mental processes such as memory and attention, ability to problem-solve and remember information.

4. The Social Domain: the understanding and assessment of social cues

5. The Prosocial Domain: behaviours that are helpful and friendly toward others

For more information on self-regulation and these five domains see Stuart Shanker’s excellent website:  www.self-regulation.ca 

I hope you have a wonderful week, hopefully in the “green zone”!

Warmly,

Sharon

Upcoming workshops in the community:

My colleague at the ABLE Clinic, Tyler Milley (Registered Clinical Counsellor) is giving a FREE presentation on Bully-proofing Your Child at the West Vancouver Recreation Centre tonight, Thursday, February 28th.
Where: Cedar Room, West Vancouver Community Centre,
2121 Marine Drive, West Vancouver
Time: 7:00 – 8:30pm (Doors close at 7:15pm)

Barbara Coloroso (long-time parenting expert) is coming to the Kay Meek Theatre in West Vancouver, May 15th at 7pm.  Tickets are $15 for the parents of the West Vancouver School District and $20 for other registrants.  Click here to register.

I am giving my next Parent Education Evening on Anxiety/Anger and Management Strategies (for you or your children) on March 11th from 7pm-8:30pm at the ABLE Developmental Clinic.  $25 + tax – pre-registration is required.  Please call the ABLE Clinic at 604-922-3450.

I will be co-facilitating an Adlerian 8 week parenting group with Louise Clarke on Friday afternoons from 12:30pm-2pm at the West Vancouver United Church.  This group starts April 12th, 2013.  Please contact me through my website for more information on this group. Cost $240 + tax for the 8 weeks.

My Self-Empowerment 6 week group for children will be re-starting Thursday, April 4th.  Please see the flyer for more information and call the ABLE Clinic to pre-register your child: 604-922-3450.  There are three different age groups starting from age 6 yrs. to age 14 yrs.

My “Brain Course” for children (ages 6+) to teach them about  Anxiety and Anxiety Management Strategies will be re-starting in May.  Please contact the ABLE Clinic at 604-922-3450 to put your child on the list for these groups.

Mama Compass.com - Sharon Selby is Guiding Parents in the Directions of the 4P's

Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mazboot/2328604292/

What Are Some of the Signs of Anxiety?

We all have anxiety, in fact we wouldn’t be alive if we didn’t have anxiety!  However, many individuals have high levels of anxiety yet it isn’t recognized until it becomes unmanageable or spirals into depression.  The good news about anxiety is that a lot of research has gone into this area of mental health and determined that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (C.B.T) is an effective form of treatment.

If you are concerned that your child/youth may be experiencing signs of anxiety on a regular basis, it is important that you contact your doctor or  consult with a Registered Counsellor or Psychologist.

Possible Physical symptoms:

• headaches
• stomachaches
• cries easily
• fidgety/nervous habits such as nail biting

Possible Feelings:

Possible Behavioural symptoms:

• avoidance
• difficulty in going to sleep or staying asleep
• social withdrawal
• shyness, little eye contact, non-verbal (except with family members)
• perfectionistic tendencies
• excessive reassurance seeking
• easily overwhelmed, gives up easily, low frustration threshold
• resistance to change
• difficulty shifting tasks
• inflexibility
• extremely self-conscious
• hyperactivity and difficulty sitting still
• attention seeking behaviours
• aggression
• distraction
• irritability
• oppositional and refusal behaviours
• temper tantrums
• angry outbursts
• clingy
• sensitive

 Anxiety and Avoidance

Confronting Anxiety

Mama Compass.com - Sharon Selby is Guiding Parents in the Directions of the 4P's

As we remember January 15th as the birthday of Martin Luther King, it seems fitting to think about our own dreams, and dreams for our relationships.  In Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, he discusses the power of creating a Family Mission Statement.  (Whether you have children or not, the steps that he outlines are applicable for creating your own Personal Mission Statement, or for a couple.)

What is a Family Mission Statement? … A Family Compass

Creating a family mission statement is a very powerful process as it also permeates into the subconscious and connects to the heart.  By going through the process of carefully identifying a family’s shared values and visions, it keeps everyone accountable and aligned with what is most important to the family as a whole.   Most businesses, schools, organizations etc. have a mission statement, and even Martial Arts studios usually have a creed that is recited at the beginning of each class – even with the three year olds!  Thus, it makes sense that families, that would have their own mission statement.

What Does a Family Mission Statement Look Like?

A Family Mission Statement may be a word, a phrase, a song, a poem, a piece of art, a document, an image, a symbol or some other creative idea such as using each letter from the family surname and creating a sentence for each letter.  What is most important is that it is created by everyone in the family, it represents everyone, and it brings everyone together.  It becomes the compass point for making family decisions, planning family vacations, problem-solving etc.  It creates a value-system and family identity, from which important decisions are made.

We stand at the crossroads, each minute, each hour, each day, making choices.  We choose the thoughts that we allow ourselves to think, the passions we allow ourselves to feel, and the actions we allow ourselves to perform.  Each choice is made in the context of whatever value system we’ve selected to govern our lives.  In selecting that value system, we are, in a very real way, making the most important choice we will ever make.

~ Benjamin Franklin

The Steps to Creating Your Own Family Mission Statement

Step One:  Have a family discussion to talk about your family and what everyone thinks your family is all about.  (Having this topic on your agenda for your Family Meeting would work well).  Brainstorm every family member’s ideas and feelings while remembering that in brainstorming all ideas are written down without judgement.  Depending on the age of your children, you might give everyone a few blank flashcards to write down their ideas first before putting them all together to share.

Step Two:  At your next family meeting, put all the ideas out on the table again and this time begin the process of synthesizing all the hopes, values and beliefs.  The goal is to create your first draft.  It takes time to create a Family Mission Statement and it’s important to create a draft and then live with it for a while, think about it, make changes, and discuss it.  Once it reaches a point where everyone feels comfortable and committed, write it up as a good copy, and give everyone a copy or display it on a wall.  If your family  prefers to be artistic, create your art piece that represents the content of your family mission statement.

Step Three:  Use the mission statement to keep each family member aligned with the family values and beliefs.  Refer back to it often and use it for planning such as planning a family vacation that gives you a chance to experience your values, hopes and beliefs.  For example, if one of the components was for your family to have courage then a challenging experience could be incorporated into a family holiday.  Refer back to it at your family meetings to see if everyone is “on track”.

In Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, he gives many examples of family mission statements that families have sent to him.  This is one example:

“Our family mission:  To always be kind, respectful and supportive of each other, to be honest and open with each other, to love each other unconditionally, to be responsible to live a happy, healthy and fulfilling life, to make this house a place we want to come home to.” p.94

Another example may be to take a creed from a martial arts school and adapt it to suit your family’s values and beliefs.  For example:

We intend to develop ourselves by …
We intend to develop our self-discipline by bringing out the best in ourselves and our family members.
We intend to…, to help ourselves and others, and never to be abusive or offensive.
We shall be loyal and respectful to each other,
We are the (family  name)! We are dedicated! We are motivated! We are on our quest to be our best!

There are many styles, but what’s important is finding the time to create the mission statement that will then become your family’s compass point.

Have fun envisioning the dreams for your family.  If you would be willing to share your mission statements in the comments section or with me privately through the “contact me” page, I would love to hear how this process goes for you.

Warmly,

Sharon

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Mama Compass.com - Sharon Selby is Guiding Parents in the Directions of the 4P's