Mama Says Namaste

"Mom, I'm Fat"

2012-01-16T22:41:00.000-06:00

This post was so good, I have to post it in its entirety right here. I want to be this mother:

"Mom, I'm Fat": How I Responded To My 7-Year-Old Daughter

by Janell Hofmann

I am sitting, cross legged, on the bathroom floor trimming my five year old daughters’ toenails. My nine year old son showers his muddy body as I lean against the tub. My three year old daughter wrestles herself into pajamas in her bedroom. My eleven year old son bursts in from football practice and hollers upstairs about reheating leftovers and having a sore throat. My husband is out dropping our minivan off for a tune up. The sun has set and we’re putting another day to rest. In the confusion of this typical weeknight, I glance up from the floor at my seven year old daughter, standing on the step stool, completely undressed, brushing her teeth. I don’t like the way she is looking at herself in the mirror. I don’t like the way she pokes at her belly and frowns at her profile. I watch her for another minute and step in.

“What’s up, girl?” I ask. “I’m fat.” she responds without hesitation. I’m instantly weak. She continues, “My stomach jiggles when I run. I want to be skinny. I want my stomach to go flat down.” I am silent. I have read the books, the blogs, the research. I have aced gender studies, mass media, society and culture courses in college. I have given advice to other mothers. I run workshops and programming for middle school girls. I have traveled across the world to empower women and children in poverty. I am over qualified to handle this comment. But in reality, my heart just breaks instead. I am mush. Not my girl.

I rally some composure and stay cool. “You are built just perfect – strong and healthy.” And she is. But this doesn’t soothe.

I flounder. This child – my first and wildly celebrated daughter – was breastfed girl power. I read picture books with only central female characters, I insisted she wrestle her big brothers, demanded family call her words like smart and brave as much as cute and adorable. I tell her we are all different – straight and thin to round and plump and millions of ways in between. I tell her it’s what makes us all beautiful. Unconvinced.

I send all the other kids away. I shut the door and we sit face to face on the floor. There is more here and I need to see it through. I tell her I looked just like her when I was seven. I tell her she will grow to be tall and strong and fierce, like me. Not good enough. I reach and scramble. I tell her how fast she runs. Remind her of the goal she scored in soccer. What an expert she is on her bike and the amazing balance and tricks she does on her scooter. I remind her of her high level reading, her artwork, her mastery of math facts. “Fat.”

I grow desperate. “Child! What is the first thing everyone tells you when they meet you?” She sighs, “I’m beautiful.” Beauty is not helping me here. I’m failing. Pleading, I ask her why. Her blues eyes meet mine. She tells me on two different occasions friends have called her “kind of fat” when they were talking about bodies this summer in their bathing suits. And she felt sad. But she also felt good because finally she confirmed that what she thought about her body was “mostly true”.

I think a few bad thoughts about her peers and their mothers and wonder what messages are being sent. I am out of tools. And now twenty minutes later, I’m out of patience too. I feel powerless to what seems certain to her. And I cannot understand how she does not see all of life’s perfection in her reflection.

I stand her up on the step stool in front of the mirror. I strip off my yoga pants, my tee shirt, my bra and underwear. We are side by side completely naked together. She laughs. I start singing a song that I’m making up as I go. It’s rap meets Raffi with lyrics like “We are perfect, just the way we are.” It’s wild and silly, but I cannot be stopped. We’re shaking everything, and she’s belly laughing and totally thrilled. I pick her up. We are a ridiculous and magnificent pair. The other kids hear the commotion and barge in. They are confused and horrified. I carry her to the bedroom raving about all the ways we are powerful and naked and women. We settle into comfy pajamas and read a story together. Fat is not mentioned again.

On this night, I have no idea if I have succeeded. I’m not sure if what I said and did had an impact, if I fixed anything, or even if I changed her mind. But I do know that I must continue to infuse myself and my children with bold confidence. I must check in, ask questions, take the time. I must build and undo. I must be open and genuine. I must but willing to dance naked in the mirror, resist the urge to see all the ways five babies have changed me, and stare straight into my reflection with love. Then together, with a twinkle in our eyes, we only see radiance shining back.

Janell Burley Hoffmann is a writer and modern day abolitionist who leads empowerment programs for girls on Cape Cod. She is a lover of life and enjoys the wild ride with her husband and five children ages 12, 9, 7, 5, and 4.

Do you THRIVE...or simply survive?

2011-11-10T09:00:00.000-06:00

Guest posting today on Ryan's kickin site, TheWorkPreneur.com. His blogs are catchy, intriguing and motivating - I love the pictures he uses! Be sure to check out his 5 Things I Do In The Shower post. Love it!

Here was my intro:

Who am I? I’m the mother of two, wife of one, only daughter of three, and a dreamer, thinker, and rule-breaker. I’ve lived the life of an entrepreneur since childhood, not only because of what my dad does, but because of how he instilled that into each and every one of his children. I did the lemonade stands, and went on to babysit, teach preschool, sell pies and craftiness, and ultimately to take over and manage my father’s business along with my husband (with a bunch of temp jobs thrown in for me to test the waters).
Between the two of us, we are...

Click through to Ryan's site to read the rest of the story!

To Conform or Not To...You Choose.

2011-11-08T10:15:00.000-06:00

Meet my family: husband, wife, two children, a dog, a cat, and a fish. Living in the suburbs, kids in preschool two days a week. Grandparents live right around the corner, and we gather for family meals pretty regularly. We’re so traditional.

Or…not. My husband and I both work from home in our own business, managing the big company of 48 Days. My kids are anything but typical – when my daughter gets an A or B choice, she always, always chooses C. My dog is a double-mutt – as a blue heeler mix, she’s an Australian mutt that went crazy in the US. My cat has disowned us and lives next door, and our fish, Macaroni, lives on our kitchen counter where he watches us cut up his kin (horribly morbid, I know)...

Wanna read more? I'm honored to say this is the beginning of a guest post for The Non-Conformist Family. This awesome crew happens to be great friends of ours...ones who we'll be visiting in Canada in a mere month! They are such an inspiration about living life every day instead of going through motions for an end-result. To read the rest of my blog post, please hop on over to their site. While you're there, be sure to download their kickin eBook. It's short and sweet and to the point of what is most important. Be Awesome People!

So our kids wanted to make us all tigers for dinner. What's so bad about it?

Build them a Fence But Give them the World (repost)

2011-08-19T23:00:00.000-05:00

This is a previous post that has been playing in my mind lately...thought it would be a good time to come back to it...

Security comes to your child by more than just a blanket. Although our kids may cling to their favorite lovey or toy, the real security comes from you, their parent. And it’s not just by hugs and kisses on boo-boos, but by boundaries. Boundaries, you say? How can I be loving to my kid by saying “no, no, no”? I say you can be firm in where you stand, be strict in what is necessary, and end up having a “yes, yes, yes” world for your child.

Let me explain. Imagine you are stranded in the middle of the ocean with no land in site—it’s a scary thought. A vast sea is overwhelming to anyone, much less a small child where the world is huge anyway. Think about all the dangers, possibilities, opportunities, and curiosities there are to explore in this world. It’s daunting and overwhelming…about like trying to find a needle in a haystack (or a box of cereal in the cereal aisle). But a small bathtub is a world of fun. In a bathtub, your child can be in charge of her own sea—from one end to the other. She knows what’s all around her—she knows where the water comes from, she knows who is sitting by the side of the bathtub while she plays.

When you have a toddler who is learning independence, the world is even more of a daunting ocean—your child needs you for assurance. If I walk out of mommy’s sight, what will happen? If I throw the cup on the floor, does it disappear? If I hit daddy, is it funny? If I don’t want to go, will Mommy leave me?

Think about that last question. How many times do you play a trick on your child with reverse psychology?

“I don’t want to go!’

“Okay, fine, bye!”

Which then proceeds to a melt-down of:

“Don’t leave me!”

Will you really leave him? Can you reasonably leave a child in the middle of a crowded store? What lesson does it teach him? If I have a different opinion from Mom, and she doesn’t like it, she’s gone. What security does that instill? Instead if they know what their choices are, and the consequences that come from those choices, they in essence have a “fence” of security…much like being able to see the walls of the bathtub. Mommy makes the boundary and I’m in control of the choices I make inside it.

Security is in knowing what is allowed and what isn’t. Your child can have the world…but can they handle it? That is where you come in. You help monitor that world a little at a time. You allow them to play loose in the yard, knowing they can go anywhere in the yard within the boundaries you laid out with them. They are king of their universe…and you are the castle they come home to. You see, the more you help them lay out what is allowed and what isn’t, the more you are able to say “yes!” to their world. They know not to touch the outlets or hit their sister. They also know that their playroom is their domain and the back yard is subject to all the exploration they want.

Security comes by loving your child enough to be firm in your rules, even when they are not loving back to you. Security is knowing your little girl won’t run out in the street because she knows the consequence—it’s the same consequence you’ve given her every time. Security is your little boy knowing he is in control of whether he has a grumpy day or a happy day (remember only YOU are in charge of your attitude!), and no matter whether he likes it or not, you will NOT leave without him. He can choose whether he’ll be happy about that. Security is your child knowing that you expect respect because you give THEM respect. It’s being firm in where you stand, but always stopping to truly listen to what they feel. “There are two lasting gifts you can give your children—one is roots, the other, wings.” Give them the foundation—the rules, the consequences, and your unconditional love, no matter whether they decide to break the rules or follow them. Then give them wings to explore their world—to say yes five times more than you need to say no—to only say no when absolutely necessary (and be prepared to stand firm), and say yes to all the days in the mud, the days of dressing herself, and the moments when they truly ARE superman.

She’ll outgrow her favorite teddy bear. He’ll hang up his blanket cape. But they will always have their security in you—make it count!

What Is and What Will Be

2011-08-08T22:29:00.003-05:00

There have been lots of articles lately about raising genderless children and defying gender stereotypes, etc., etc. When I looked into it and read about Storm and "Pop", I had to wonder what the point of it all was. I understand wanting to be non-conformist. I understand wanting to raise your children outside of the box. I understand wanting to give my children the opportunity to be anything they want to be. But, like it or not, this world is in our face. It's not just my little family and me. It's a wild world full of judgement, misunderstanding, expectations, and ridicule. It's a world wrapped up in stereotypes and people trying to fight it or getting lost in it.

I don't know if denying a stereotype is any better than embracing it - my girls love being princesses and playing dress-up. My oldest doesn't like "Cars" because it's a "boy movie." She likes pink and purple, but also green and yellow. My youngest can be rough and aggressive and loud. They love to play in the dirt, finding worms and bugs to hold. They get to pick out their clothes most of the time and may choose cowboy boots or sparkle shoes, and, although they gravitate toward feminine things, their love of toys and "cool" stuff shows no gender bias, I promise. They get just as fascinated about water and a stick, and I'm pretty sure those can be neutral items. I let my kids do what they want across genders, same as these other families do...mine don't defy the norm too much, though. So...I guess they've succumbed to the stereotype.

They spend all day creating their own worlds where they are capable of anything. It seems to me that, maybe, it's not about denying a child their gender at all. Ultimately, these parents and I want the same thing - an environment that allows their children to explore and embrace life to its fullest. I just happen to think that embracing life and possibility includes embracing all you are as an individual...gender included.

No parent has the perfect answer. There is no "right" way to raise a child. We can easily point fingers at the "wrong" ways, and I'm just as guilty of this as the next. I guess I'd rather shift my focus on what is and what will be.

What is:

I have two beautiful girls. They exemplify, to me, purity and innocence, brilliance and excitement, femininity and empowerment, confidence and growth. They are female, through and through. This in no way limits them - this is a part of who they are - like their name and their family, it just is. "Female" doesn't mean pink and submissive. Technically, "female" means, quite literally, the genetic makeup and ability to produce offspring. My impression of "female" is positive - it can be anything you want it to be. We can bear children and men can't. This is a fact. However else we define it is our prerogative, and denying the word honestly would merely deny the genetic definition.

The point of staying genderless has to be about denying the assumptions of others; that girls love princesses and boys are rough and wild. However, I've seen many kids (including my own) that have been perfectly comfortable in the opposing stereotype with certain behaviors. Some children are aggressive, some aren't. Some children are loud, others aren't. When people see my wild child running around, they don't throw up their hands in shock because it's a girl. They laugh at my strong-willed, confident, friend-to-everyone little snugglepuppy. Her behavior isn't based on being female. It's her personality. It's who she just...is.

What will be:

I will raise two beautiful women (inside and out). They will grow to embrace all that makes them uniquely them. They will know the power they have as females, both the negative and the positive. I will teach them how their femininity is something that is to be respected, by themselves and by everyone else. It is a powerful thing that is more than merely sexual. They are not objects, they are not trophies, and they are not insignificant. They play an important role in this world, and their gender is a part of it. One day they may become wives and mothers. They may become doctors or activists. They may become the first female to accomplish something that is dominated by males. Who they are is significant - every part of them - including their gender.

I never thought I'd raise "girly-girls", and I'm loving everything about them - they are influenced by the outside world, I know. Their love of dress-up and all things feminine is largely because that's what they are exposed to at every princess party we get invited to. I think, ultimately, these parents raising their kids genderless aren't that different from me in wanting to fight the pressures of the world to make their kids into something that may not fit them. Where we differ is our understanding of what is rooted deeply in them - for me, identity can't be neutral - identity is something that we're always seeking and becoming more concrete in - and it includes gender.

People will make assumptions and stereotypes no matter what I do. My daughter's friends are going to be all variations of the gender stereotype - we've been to both princess and superhero parties - the birthday cake was enjoyed just the same. Denying gender just sets up the assumption that it's the "weird kid" or the "crazy family" and all the other horrible accusations that have been made about them. Unfortunately, I feel that some parents' desire to give their children the world with no gender bias has instead set them apart as outcasts or enemies of the world.

I could go deep into the ideas surrounding gender and stereotypes, but suffice it to say, I'm proud of my two little girls - the stereotypical things they embrace and also the knowledge that they are learning every day that they are free to be who they are - even if it doesn't fit the stereotype. My girls are already powerful beyond measure. I'm excited to take this journey with them.

Vintage Ads and Thoughtful Reflections

2011-07-27T20:12:00.002-05:00

On a lighter note than last week's heavy humble pie, I just have to share some vintage ads my wonderful mother passed along to me.

Uh, yeah. Famous last words. In my household, my dear Papa Gray happens to be a much better cook than I am, much to my dismay (and also delight - yum!)

Seriously? God forbid us mere housewives do something for ourselves...my feminist muscles are starting to twitch....

Where is the picture of the massage? The new clothes? A stinkin' book that's fun??

News flash - guys can be sexy when they get off the stinkin couch, too.

Only if it comes with a coupon that says "hubby will use this every single week to keep the floors clean so you don't have to." Yes, this would make me happy!

Okay, that's it. Be the you he likes? Really? What about be the me I like? What about me? What about my needs? I'M THE ONE WITH THE PMS!!

Whew. Okay. Moving on to pathetically UN-politically correct ads...

Wow. You just have to laugh. We actually thought calling kids "chubbies" was PC. So sweet, that little chubby girl. Somehow doesn't sound too endearing. Then again, what does sound sweet when you're referencing weight?

I'm pretty sure that Ovaltine isn't the cause of homosexuality. Could be wrong, but then again, I have had Ovaltine, and I'm still straight.

I'm kind of thinking this could be taken the wrong way in this day and age...

And, the clueless...

Some day, there will be crazy machines called iPads that impersonate beer that you can shake and pour electronically! (Although they still have yet to invent how beer could flow out of them. I know there is a market for that)

Blow that in my face, I'll punch your lights out.

Ah, yes - the world's favorite babysitter. Welcome to the first reason for people to go into "screensaver mode."

Really. Really? This just fascinates me.

Last but not least, my favorite:

I guess I can debate the whole drinking while pregnant thing...but to actually use that as a marketing slant because it benefits baby? Wow. Gotta find me some Blatz.

Now...these ads, as far as I know, were real ads. Which goes to show you how great the media is. I've been watching a lot of crazy documentaries lately...things like Food Inc, Collapse and Tapped... and they definitely make me think. It's not to say I believe everything I watch (after all, isn't it still all media?) but I think it's clear that media doesn't always have our best interests at heart. Just because we're told something is right, the way things are, good, etc...is it really?

How much of your life is affected by ads? By TV? Movies? News? Are you looking at the whole picture? Sometimes I wonder, in our age of information, if we can't always find something that will support the belief we want to hold. What do you think?

Humility is...Parenting

2011-07-20T20:55:00.000-05:00

Last night I had the pleasure of actually going out on a date with my husband. A real date, like leaving-children-at-home-and-being-adults time. So important in a marriage, and so, so hard to squeeze in with young kids, I know.

We went and saw a documentary at our local retro theater, the Belcourt. (Fascinating theater and story, by the way). Anyway, the movie we watched was Buck. Essentially about the man who is the real deal "Horse Whisperer" - the man who Robert Redford met and shadowed as he created the film. It truly was a moving film about working with horses...but it hit me as something else. It made me a little uncomfortable. It....humbled me.

Courtesy of www.BucktheFilm.com

In the movie, Buck talks about his horribly abusive childhood. He talks about the harsh realities he had in his life, and he talks about what we expect in a horse who doesn't know how to calculate your next step. The way he works with horses has all the patience and compassion you would show to a child. I've read books which talk about investing and training your children, yet his words really touched me in a different way.

I blogged last year about the book "Train Up A Child." It really did change our lives and help us in our parenting. But I can't help but think I'm learning another lesson now, as I see how fine the line is between "training" and "controlling". My children are wild. If they were horses, they'd be the buck-fifty stud stallions. The amount of emotion and strong will is unbearable at times, and the battle of wills can go on for what seems like ages. The older LadyBug Girl gets, the better (and more persistent) she can be about negotiating. It's so hard to pick your battles when sometimes you feel like all you're doing is wading through a battlefield!

I adore my girls, I really do. Yet do you feel me when I say there are things that make you cringe? I quite possibly have the loudest children on the planet. Literally. We're talking ear-piercingly loud. Pretty consistently. It's not just screams of tantrums or when they're hurt, it could just as much be shrieks of laughter or imaginative play. They are just loud. And sometimes, it builds up, louder and louder and LOUDER UNTIL I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK.

I love my children. I love being with them. I want to be there for them and let them know they are my priority. Yet I work from home. I need to get work done sometimes. Did you know that if you spend a full day hands-on playing with your kids, doing anything they want, and then sit down for five minutes on the computer to read an email, basically all your invested time is erased and they need you right now!!!!!!!!

Courtesy of www.BucktheFilm.com

Those little things build. You start to ask yourself, "Am I a bad mama?" You start to get down on yourself. Then you start to get down on them, maybe because you're feeling this way. Your temper gets shorter and shorter and you find yourself frowning more. You start to brace yourself first thing for the loudness and the chaos and why you wish they'd just be quiet for a change.

You rush to finish just one more email because they are bothering you and you can't focus anyway, or you half-heartedly play because you know you won't get it right anyway. You feel like you're failing.

Oh wait. Not you. Me. I feel like this. It's me. It's my doing. I'm humbled. I look at where I am and somedays I don't like what I see.

I see lack of patience with my girls. I see lack of discipline with balancing work and family. I see tempers rising and my anger getting the best of me versus showing them love and grace. Some days, I try to yell louder in order to be heard, when what they need is for me to talk softer and pull them closer. Some days, they need me to play the day away or physically get out of the house so they don't see their mama right next to them but distant with work.

Some days, I get it right. Really, I do. I know that when I think I'm a bad mama, typically I am - "We become what we think about." I know that when I get down on myself, I tend to get down on them as well. We all have our bad days. Sometimes, though, watching a simple documentary on a horse is what it takes for me to step back and reflect, and renew. Renew the passion of having a family, loving on my girls, taking them in and embracing their uniqueness, recharging with my husband, and trying this parenting thing once again.

We all stumble, but it doesn't mean we can't get back up. Today, I picked myself up, and my beautiful girls were ready and waiting for me with open arms, and I remember what "Mama Says Namaste" is all about.

Have you had any humbling moments lately?

Do Facts = Education?

2011-07-13T20:35:00.001-05:00

It's official. My wonderful hubby (dubbed Papa Gray) and I (now Mama Rose) are embarking on a new adventure together - a crazy adventure into the world of being our children's teachers. (My first thought is geesh, aren't we that already?) However, what I'm talking about specifically is that we are publicly broadcasting to the world our journey with non-traditional schooling. I'm hesitant to call it homeschooling yet, because it may not follow the homeschooling model. I'm a fan of the unschooling method, and I'm checking out a few other avenues as well. You can follow our progress on our new site, www.FamilyLifeLearners.com.

In this post, my personal rants blog, I want to talk about a certain quote I came across:

It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated.

~ Alec Bourne

Wow - of course there is a lot of weight in this quote to argue against the traditional school model in our US culture, but I want to take it outside of that realm and have it address us all. I know different personality styles come to play, but some people thrive on facts and figures. Others are "education junkies" and take course after course or read millions of books...all for the sake of learning.

But... does just knowing the words and facts create a wise mind? Oh no, my friend. It takes so much more. It takes bringing in the lesson to your soul, formulating them in your mind, digesting the input and deciding what to glean from it, enforcing it in your heart, and intentionally applying it to your life. Many people learn, but unfortunately, not everyone is truly teachable. A teachable moment is identified as when the timing is right...yet I think it goes deeper to really be about when the mind/heart is open to embrace a lesson beyond just the facts and/or words.

What do you think? Does knowing the facts make you wise? What's your definition?

Embrace the Moment

2011-07-06T14:42:00.001-05:00

This past week I went to Roan Mountain North Carolina. Staying in a little cabin in the mountains, we had no phones, no computers, no TV, not even (gasp) music playing!! (That's a biggie for me).

However, what we had was every single moment. It's amazing how much time passes by sitting in front of the computer or TV. When you take it all away, you have the opportunity to see every moment. Our family needed a break from it all, to just enjoy ourselves and each other. Because, ultimately, family is what it's all about.

Hiking up in the mountains we saw incredible views and it got me thinking about how often we are looking out to the future. I'm an advocate for positive thinking, intentionally striving to become the person you want to be, and moving toward lifelong goals.

However, don't miss the little things. Don't pass up the opportunity to smell the flowers, as cliche as it may sound.

Don't miss the moment to get close with those you care about. Stoop down to see the world through your child's eyes. Follow along with their imagination and see where it takes you. Embrace the moment.

And above all, remember that these are just moments. When they are bad (and we all have bad moments), remember that - it's a moment. It's fleeting. A negative thing does not have to become your identity. A moment in time is a moment to take what is and look to make it good. When it's bad, acknowledge it and let it go.

When the moment is good, stop everything and soak it in. Truly let it engulf you. Open your heart, mind, and body to the sweetness of the now, whether it's admiring the beauty around you, a loving embrace by someone you care about, or a moment in play with a child. This, to me, is the most important part of making those moments last.

What Do You REALLY Know?

2011-07-01T10:54:00.011-05:00

The other evening I was chatting with my best girl friend about our lives, and a revelation hit me. As a woman, especially, I can get so stuck on preparing for the future and what I am supposed to do that I can miss the major point of it all. When I was younger, I looked at what I wanted to do with my life, what degree I was going to get, who I was going to marry, if I was going to marry, etc.

I got older, went to school learning about subjects I loved, married and had children. Now it's not just about what I am going to do, but what does the future look like for my children. I spend my days preparing:

I prepare/plan for at least 3 meals every day - if you add snacks in, half my day is just in planning meals! (okay, truth by told, I'm somewhat lying here. My husband happens to be an incredible cook and oftentimes it's him preparing and cooking. However, that doesn't help my point here. Which I'll get to, eventually)
I clean the house to prepare for guests and to put myself at ease. (let's face it - I'm a clean freak. But it makes me feel good to know that 90% of the time I can have drop-in company come over and I'm not focusing on how filthy my house is)
I work from home and a key focus is on product/web development. I have to think about everything we do and how it affects the future of the business.
I get myself cleaned up and ready for every day - I prep myself for what the day will bring.

I could go on and on about all the many things we all do to prepare for the future. Sometimes, however, the stress of not being able to anticipate the plan dominates your ability to take on the plan. Imagine packing for a trip and having no idea whether you need evening wear or hiking boots and a sweater. This, however, is sometimes how life goes...because, overall, we don't know what the weather is going to be.

For example, the wife of an entrepreneur. A beginning entrepreneur oftentimes lives a "feast or famine" lifestyle. All businesses have their ups and downs, and when you're calling all the shots, the downs tend to affect you in a personal way. It can be scary to not know how the future is going to play out, and I see many stay-at-home moms who are in this supportive role, yet are terrified of how the plan will play out. They stress over all the little plans of life because they are uncertain the "big plan" of the business will thrive. They crave to be able to dot their i's and be the "hostess with the mostess" who has things under control.

Sometimes, when you're not calling the shots in one area you feel is vital (i.e. family breadwinner) you seek to control as many other areas as possible. It gets difficult if your partner is unable to give you a play-by-play of how life is going to go!

So how do you cope? How do I cope, not being 100% on our business ventures and whether it will guarantee me the income I'd like this year? I'll tell you what - focus on who you are vs. what your plan is. Like most of you know, 48 Days focuses on the fact that 85% of the process of finding the work you love is by looking inward. Think about this - why the focus on yourself?

The more you understand who you are, the better you are able to manage life in general. You identify your strengths, you get resources for your weaknesses. You know what is most important, and you focus on those in times of uncertainty.

I don't know if my girls will turn on me in their teenage years. But I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they feel my love for them, and that they know every single day that I will listen to what they have to say.

I don't know if working in a family business will be the best venture for my whole life. But I do know that no matter how much I love my work, family comes first, and if that is ever challenged by working together, I will find a new job.

I don't know if my husband will be in as perfect health in his 70s as he is right now. But I do know that he is my absolute best friend and I will be by his side regardless of physical circumstance.

I don't know if we'll be in the same house/city/lifestyle five years from now. But I do know that no matter where I am, I'm with the people that matter most to me, and I wouldn't trade that for the world.

We don't know every curve in the road of our lives, so of course, we need to figure out how to also enjoy the journey. My challenge to you is to remember who you are. Remember what is important, and rely on that - you are beautiful. You are happy. You are relishing the moment as it is. You are wonderful, radiant you. Take life by the horns and ride on, knowing that no matter what life brings, you'll be giving it your best self.

What is your best attribute that helps you embrace life?

Your words (and thoughts) are Powerful

2011-06-11T14:02:00.001-05:00

Every person you come across will be touched by you. What impact will it be? Will it be words like "I'm sorry, I just am not that good at public speaking" or "My hair looks awful today" or will it be "Today is the first day of the rest of your life - how exciting!" or "I'm carrying my sunshine on the inside - how about you?" These may be cheese-ball comments, but at let me say this: every self deprecating comment you make not only impacts you, but it gives permission for every other person to do the same. When you say it and your children hear, that's what they mimic. When you say it and your co-workers hear, you end up in a contest of who's got it worse. When you say it and a stranger hears, they may remember how much they hate it themselves, or feel obligated to lie and cheer up your reality in hopes that you don't pour the rain on theirs.

Don't deny your feelings, but by God remember that you have good ones, too. Focus on those. Sometimes we have to be intentional and force ourselves to have the faith and the power to speak words of POSITIVE truth in our own lives even if we aren't feeling it. It's amazing how we find what we're looking for. Look for sadness and you can always find it. Look for sunshine...you may just see a rainbow.

I can speak about believing in yourself so much, but I have those moments of doubt as well. I think the biggest thing is that I purposely choose to focus on the positive. I don't deny the negative, but I choose to run to the bright side, to cling desperately to the good in myself, in my life, and in the people I come across.

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.” ~Chuck Swindoll

Don't Worry, Be Happy!

2011-06-02T11:32:00.001-05:00

So now we know the strength in Family, and that we are powerful beyond measure. So next is, be happy! My sis-in-love wrote a great post on it in her blog, Everyday Experiments. A short quote from it:

Happiness is power. Happiness is carbonated consciousness. It wants to spill out and radiate and be articulated. And every time we downplay our joy we confuse our synapses. Our brain is firing smiley neurons and our mouth is short-circuiting them. Repeated happiness muffling numbs our senses. If you keep it under the surface too long, it just might stay there – a light under a bushel.
So do us all a favour. No matter what the weather, the odds, the circumstances, the company, if you’re happy and you know it, by all means, say so! If You're Happy and You Know It

Today I am happy. Thirty years ago today my world started, and every day has been a new adventure. Not every moment has been perfect, but it's been a wild ride and I've loved living and learning through it. We took a bike ride this morning as a family, and I was once again reminded at how genuinely happy I am with life. Just like riding a bike, it's tough sometimes and kicks my butt, I get tired, hot, hungry, and ready to give up, but it's so worth it. Life is good. Life is challenging. And every challenge is met with an opportunity to learn, to grow, and to truly relish the happiness when it comes.

And it always will, so be ready for it!

Believe in Yourself, Ladies!

2011-05-30T13:00:00.007-05:00

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~Marianne Clements

Question 1: Do you believe in yourself? (Like really BELIEVE in yourself?)

Yep, I do. I believe I have power. So much power, that if I don't purposefully use it for good, it automatically will have a negative effect on the world. It's a scary thought. Think about the nay-sayers, the woe-is-me-ers (yep, it's a new word), the doubters...and think about how much, when you are uncertain, these people have the power to control you. To bring you to their level.
When you are unsure, your mind can be crippled with fear. You are afraid of an answer you don't want, and your mind subconsciously goes to whatever negative thought it is, and all of a sudden, one seemingly innocent comment of "we don't need that dessert" becomes a hard blow to your low self-esteem and what you heard was "good lord, you have enough fat on those hips to live off of for a while." Man, that's all in your head, however one sentence from another catapulted it to become your reality. Make sense?

They (everyone else) apparently has the power to bash your self confidence. You have the power to hang on to that to a point that it rips you up inside. I'm not just talking about looks here, I'm talking about everything. I'm talking about the fact that whatever I believe will become my reality.
We're women. What is the first thing we stop believing?

I'm beautiful.

When was the last time you told yourself that? That old saying that "love is blind?" Sometimes we forget that we can decide to love ourselves every day...to carry over that "love is blind" mentality not just to our significant others, but to ourselves. Reverse roles. For all you mothers out there with stretchy skin that resembles something closer to jello than the majestic muscles that are just begging to break through the surface...right?

Imagine your beloved husband carrying the weight of each precious developing child - imagine his body being stretched out and sagging...all due to the strains of creating a child formed by your love. Would you look at him critically? When he tries his best but that six-pack is a little more like a one pack...what is most important? I know guys are the visual creatures, but I tell you, to negate your husband's love for you just as you are can be a blow to him. And my thoughts are that you would kiss every spot on his imperfect body and tell him what you love most. I'm saying this all for me, as I've been running and running, trying to regain my twenty-year-old body that is fading into a thirty-year-old body, and cringing when I look in the mirror and those last few pounds seem to be glaring at me. I'm not getting in a bikini for a long time. But my husband loves me and all my imperfections. They may be my "war wounds" from childbearing, and I will continually work on it, but I have more important things to obsess over-like enjoying the moments when I am the object of my number one love's desire-he's looking at all that is ME, not the tiny bits of my imperfection. I can't point out any imperfection in what I see in him, so why am I obsessing over him doing anything less for me?

Question 2: Why? (or Why not)
You see, I'm a mom now. The years in high school and college where I tested my "power" by controlling what I ate, being awful to my body, neglecting my heart and running to the opposite sex to give me validation...this is all in the past. Because now I have two beautiful girls looking at me. This is a biggie-my children. They are too young now to be swept up in the objectifying culture. I know no matter how I fight it, they'll get hit with it at some point in their lives. But I'll be damned if they are going to get a negative self image in our home! They are looking at me and watching me-they watch me get dressed, put on makeup, do my hair...they sense stress, frustration, and they want to mirror it. From the day my oldest followed me in the bathroom and asked to wear makeup, we started talking about what really makes people beautiful. On Easter Sunday we were in the car and she was playing with her pretend makeup she got as a birthday gift, and she was wiping it on her face. I asked her what she was doing and she said "washing it off." I asked what makes her beautiful and she looked at me, smiled, and said "my heart."

Your children are watching you and copying you-they are looking to you for what is important, and to see what confidence is. I want my girls to be proud of their bodies-to work to make themselves beautiful from the inside out-no matter how hard you push exercise, fix your makeup and hair and wear sexy clothes, what radiates most is what is beneath the surface-love and RESPECT for the child of God that you are and confidence that God embraces every imperfection in you so you can walk proud and honor your Creator...this is what I want my girls to see. Dressing up needs to be fun, not agonizing and a testament to my identity.

I used the focus of beauty for this...I could go off on a soapbox about smarts, about compassion, about significance...but I just so happened to have just recently gone off on a soapbox about this in a blog where a wonderful lady lamented over her ugly body and why she would never be what she used to be.

Power.

Believing in yourself.

The quote above...where you limit your power, you hold back and you hesitate. You question your inadequacies and you are afraid every impact from the world is a tribute to how little you are. But you aren't.

"You are powerful beyond measure."

You are the first step in changing the world. If you don't believe in you, how can anyone else? If you want to change the world, you have to start within. You must "be the change you wish to see in the world" (Ghandi). You have to have faith that you do have the power. You are significant. And one person has the power of the ripple effect to impact the world. And you are that one person.

“When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. Bu it too seemed immovable. As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me. But alas they would have none of it. And now as I lie on my deathbed I suddenly realized: If I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement I would have been able to better my country and, who knows, maybe even change the world.”
Inscribed words on the tomb of an Anglican Bishop (1100 A.D) in Westminster Abbey

(and if you do believe in yourself and also want to get something pretty and girly just to bask in your awesomeness, my friend Rachel has a kickin' etsy shop called LoveIsRising that has great finds, including pre-ordering some fun new shirts - proceeds go to help them adopt!)

A Mother's Prayer for Child by Tina Fey

2011-05-27T06:30:00.000-05:00

I ran over this in another blog and thought it was great....thought I'd share:

Tina Fey Hard At Work

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it!

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
Amen.”
-Tina Fey

We Believe...In One Another, This Family, This HOME

2011-05-25T10:05:00.001-05:00

This is it. My last post of our Family Creed. The final summary says "We Believe...in one another, this family, this home." Ahhh, home. What does that mean to you? The cliche "home is where the heart is" resonates pretty strongly with me. I see elaborate houses and tiny apartments, and yet when I go home, it's not to a place, but to the people. My husband is home to me. My children are home to me. They are:

My calm - in the midst of a stormy life
My laughter - when life throws a curve ball
My comfort - because sometimes life isn't comfy and I want my "security blanket"
My challenge - to learn and grow with the ever changing beings around me
My strength - when I question who or where I am
My inspiration - on discovering the beauty around me
My motivation - to press on and "change the world"
My peace - this feels right. this is what family is all about
My belief - that there is good in this world and the God put it in each of us
My love - my overwhelming love for them that reminds me every day that life is worth living

My husband and my children are my home and so much more. I believe in what we have here, and I hope you can find home in your own life, too!

We Believe...In the Power of Forgiveness to Heal, and the Power of Love to Carry Through

2011-05-15T06:42:00.003-05:00

If you're new here, the last five posts have been addressing each line of our Family Creed. Only two more to go, and each one is so powerful to me! For today, the creed is "We Believe...in the power of forgiveness to heal, and the power of love to carry through."

This is a perfect one to address considering the podcast we just did last week on the ConnieAndSheila Talk Podcast. Based on the previous blogpost here, we were asked on the show to address the topic "I Am So Unique". Not only does this podcast really hit on the power of love and acceptance, but also on how the uniqueness in each of us strengthens all of us, like I've stated before.

During one of their previous podcasts, they interviewed my brother and sister-in-love, Jared and Ilea Angaza. Their podcast was on "Living without Electricity...but Lots of Energy". Each week Connie and Sheila start it off with powerful quotes, and the one that really hit me in this interview was:

“Forgiving is not forgetting; it’s actually remembering – - remembering and not using your right to hit back. It’s a second chance for a new beginning. And the remembering part is particularly important. Especially if you don’t want to repeat what happened.”
~ Desmond Tutu

Wow--how incredible. When we talk about the power of forgiveness to heal, we're not saying you have to forget it, or act like it doesn't hurt. Remember it, address the pain and/or anger, and then take the next step: heal. When I was in college I studied The Work by Byron Katie. If you've never seen this, check out the process at the link above--it's free. It really hit home for me - we've all been hurt by someone, and sometimes the hurt is so strong we come to identify the person by this one action. We let it brew and fester and become a sore spot, or we write off the feeling completely and don't pay attention to the person or the pain...thus potentially missing out on an important lesson or relationship.

I ask that you listen to the podcast "I Am So Unique" for a few reasons. First, you'll get the back story on Nathan and me and this wonderful thing we call our life. Second, we talk about forgiveness and grace, and lastly, we address the topic of Love in a controversial why by talking about Rob Bell's newest book, Love Wins. (I've got to warn you...there were a few tech glitches and you'll hit some dead spots in the podcast. Bear with it--we pick it back up. Just think of them as "moments of reflection" times!")

Everyone who reads this has their own perspective on life. We each bring our own beliefs and opinions, and I'm not asking you to think like me. I am, however, challenging all of you to just love first. I'm pretty sure that comes before judgement everywhere but in the alphabet. At least I hope so. My final thoughts...this world is big and beautiful - we have the chance to experience our closest understanding of heaven on this earth merely by embracing these two powers--forgiving and loving first.

What do you think?

We Believe...the Uniqueness in Each of Us Strengthens All of Us

2011-04-21T10:30:00.004-05:00

I'm going through our Family Creed and addressing each line. The next one up is "We believe...the uniqueness in each of us strengthens all of us." This line is actually why I chose this family creed. It is so powerful. Read this again and soak it in--the uniqueness in each of us strengthens all of us.

The definition of synergy is: two or more agents working together to produce a result not obtainable by any of the agents independently. The word synergy or synergism comes from two Greek words: erg meaning "to work", and syn meaning "together"; hence, synergism is a "working together."

I look at my beautiful family--what is unique about each one of us? My husband has the creative and intuitive eye--he is able to pull the beauty and essence out of anything, whether it be another person or the natural flavors in an amazing meal. He is unassuming and allows others to find their own way, when sometimes I want to shove them through the door. He is able to grasp the attention of one-year-olds and ninety-year-olds with his storytelling and animated behavior. He is not only my husband and the love of my life, he is someone I deeply respect and admire.

My incredible first-born "Ladybug Girl"-- what stands out to me in her? She goes by the beat of her own drum, and it's a fascinating rhythm. She is a deep thinker, and a master negotiator. She has an amazing ability to put two and two together to understand an overall concept. She turns four today, and I thoroughly enjoy her. I see my stubborn will in her, but I also see a little girl who will be a leader, who will think beyond what people tell her to think and carve a new path, who will persuade and inspire and make an impact on all she meets.

My sweet "Snuggle-puppy" is next, and at 18 months, there are still plenty of unique traits in her. She has a volume level that will wake the dead, and although I may make me cringe sometimes, this little doll commands attention wherever she goes, and she gets it. She has such a love for people and seeks out new friends wherever we go. She loves to dress up and wear hats and shoes---it's ironic, she's so open to people, so loving and engaging, and her favorite pastime is to walk in someone else's shoes. Literally.

Then there's me--it's easy to lay it out for others, but take a moment to reflect on yourself. It's hard! What are my strengths? What is unique about me? I have a mission to love above all things--it's so important to me that it affects everything I do--how I choose to respond to a customer service email, how I make myself give a hug sometimes when I'd rather shut down and walk away...when I'm reminded about how I'd rather practice being kind rather than being right. My personality tends to lean toward wanting to be right all the time--to "win." But I think my biggest strength is that my idea of winning is when love wins. (Yes, I'm about to read Rob Bell's controversial book, Love Wins, and I can't wait). For me, when I win, I truly hope it's in love rather than in facts.

So....here are these unique traits in each of us in our family--alone, we are some strong-willed people! But together, with all of these...if we pull a little from each of us--the patience to step back and see the essence of someone and allow them to discover it at their own pace, the determination to act on your dreams and motivate others to do the same, the ability to embrace the world with open arms and understand life in another's shoes, and the decision to above all, let love win...what a powerful family we've become.

What is unique about you? About each family member? How can you apply it to your overall family for the ultimate synergy?

We Believe...That Everyone's Feelings Count

2011-03-30T20:40:00.001-05:00

I'm going through our Family Creed and addressing each line. The next one up is "We believe...that everyone's feelings count." Funny enough, my first inclination on this as a family creed is that it means that we pay attention to the feelings of our small children. While I definitely believe that is important, I've been struck lately that it really means everyone. That means us parents, too. Specifically...it's me as a mom.

Raising children is not an easy task. I absolutely adore our girls--we have so much fun. However, knowing that we are shaping the lives of a future generation...and that our household will have a great impact on what our children will become...that's a lot of pressure. And that sometimes can equate to major burnout.

Have you had those moments where you feel like a slave in your own house? Where on top of cleaning the house, cooking meals, doing laundry, paying bills, accomplishing work, and trying to maintain sanity, you have beautiful little children undertow that demand your attention 150% of the time??? I'm there. If I here "MOMMMMMMMYYYYYY!!!!!" one more time I may scream and run the other way. (If you've met my youngest, you'll know that even if I hightailed it to California, I'd still hear her).

Being a mom is a special role, and especially with small children, it's a highly demanding role. There is something about being the mom that requires extra nurturing, extra attention, and special boo-boo kisses that only mommies can administer. How can you say no to a child begging for mommy's love?

Again, going back to feelings...I want more than anything for my children to feel love in our home. I want them to feel safe, secure, and at peace. I want them to know the old cliche, "home is where the heart is"....and our hearts are always open to them. I want them to feel heard, for them to know we'll listen and weigh their words seriously no matter what their age or what the topic, and I want them to feel free to be open about their feelings, no matter what they are (I'll add the caveat that one of our rules in the family is "no hateful talk", so having the feeling about not liking someone does not equate an "I hate you" in our home, ever).

Now....the whole paragraph above...let's take out the kids and put the parents in there. It's just as important. It's not just about acknowledging your children. I don't believe in a child-centered home. One day, those children will leave, and if everything is centered on them, what you can end up with is a shell of who you once were. I want to ensure that in our home, my feelings, my husband's feelings...they are just as vital. Our relationship is #1 in our home--taking the time to invest in each other is, to me, the best thing I can do for my children.

Showing them an example of a loving, healthy relationship is important because this is the first and foremost impression they will carry for relationships throughout their lives. My parents came from families with unhappy marriages/divorces...they overcame all odds to remain happily married, but they are the first to say that although their history didn't break them, it did make them--they worked hard to establish the relationship they have now, determined not to duplicate the wounds of the past.

Finally, beyond respecting and truly listening to the feelings of your spouse, let's get to the root of it. Are you taking the time to listen to you? I'm getting hit today with how hard it is for me to just let go, wind down, and take some me time. When the girls are asleep, I relax with my husband, but sitting here tonight on "guys' night", I've thought about all the things I "need" to do--clean up the kitchen, throw in a load of laundry, answer the gobs of work emails piling up...but where is that time for me? I get so busy doing that I forget to be. Taking those moments to rest are so, so important. If my cup is empty, drained, exhausted, and completely depleted, how can I pour my "riches" over to others, specifically my family?

So...take the time right now to think about you first. How do you feel? Have you spent time today doing something just for you to help you remember the amazing person you are? Second, have you invested in your spouse--let them know their feelings count? And only after these two things...make sure you wrap your arms around your precious children, no matter what their ages, and let them know that despite all the craziness live throws your way, you truly cherish them.

In Celebrating Together...our Traditions

2011-02-23T10:27:00.001-06:00

Line #3 of our Family Creed is "We believe in celebrating together--our faith, our heritage, our traditions."
This is such a complex line that it's too much for one blog. I started writing and saw that I would never make it past the first comma without the need for another blog. So, line #3 is divided even more, down to the key points--Faith, Heritage, and Tradition.

Traditions are those valuable things that make us feel at home. Going back to faith, I feel that the times that I question the most are the times that I hold closer to those traditional aspects of religion--the recitation and traditions of the Eucharist, Holy Communion... When kids are young and learning their boundaries, the consistency of a daily schedule--naptime, when we eat, etc--tend to be the "home" that balances them and keeps them from freaking out. When we are older and we are stressed, we tend to go to the habits and traditions that give us that same feeling of peace...going for a run, baking bread, meditation...whatever makes you feel at peace.

I think traditions are like that. A tradition becomes more than a one-time occurrence when it we associate it with a good feeling. I like to think of that feeling as home. It's easy to pull out the traditions around the holidays...and if you think about it, that is the time we are typically surrounded by family, and reminiscing on the comforts we remembered as home when we were children.

During Christmas time when I was young, every year Mom would read the story of "Why Christmas Trees Aren't Perfect." Every Mom and Dad would put the angel on the top of the tree last, together, and pose for a picture while they kiss...making for many near-tree-toppling experiences, but lots of fun and laughter. Every Christmas Eve, my middle brother and I would camp out in Mom and Dad's room, making pallets on the floor and straining to hear Santa (Dad's, don't "ho, ho, ho" when kids are still up--we know your voice). We always baked the traditional pumpkin pie for a meal, and my famous apple pie.

We've added in some new traditions now in our family--Christmas Eve we open up a gift with the girls that is a family game--no batteries allowed. The girls get new matching pajamas every year. Christmas Eve is with my in-laws, and I make a pumpkin roll...and Christmas morning at our house is a big breakfast and everyone is invited, then down to my parent's for the afternoon. On Thanksgiving, we all write down the things we are most thankful for that year--once we have a few years to choose from, we'll then pull out past ones to read about what was important from the year before.

We have more traditions beyond just holidays, though. Almost every meal we eat as a family, and Ladybug Girl starts us off with her prayer song:

We tuck each girl in every night with their own special lullaby, followed by lots of hugs and kisses, and in the mornings the girls pile in our bed for some quality time before we get started for the day. I'm sure this is a tradition that won't be as popular when they are teenagers, but for now I cherish these special times with them.

I hope to add in more and more traditions not merely to the holidays, but in our daily life. To me, these traditions create home, and I love starting new ones and remembering the old ones, even if it was merely for a season.

What are some traditions in your home? During the holidays? In your daily life?

...In Celebrating Together...our Heritage...

2011-02-18T14:39:00.002-06:00

Line #3 of our Family Creed is "We believe in celebrating together--our faith, our heritage, our traditions."
This is such a complex line that it's too much for one blog. I started writing and saw that I would never make it past the first comma without the need for another blog. So, line #3 is divided even more, down to the key points--Faith, Heritage, and Tradition.

Celebrating our heritage comes through in so many ways--we are who we somewhat because of where we come from. Although our past doesn't define us, our perspective of the world can largely be shaped by the faith, heritage and traditions we choose to hold on to.

We have a rich heritage that includes Amish, Native Americans, and confederate soldiers. My grandparents on my father's side were raised Amish--horses and buggies, no electricity, thirteen and sixteen children, the whole caboodle. My mother's side of the family brought the Welsh and the Native Americans...the story goes that an Englishman came and swept a Native American squaw off her feet and they lived happily ever after. We still carry the olive skin and dark hair and eyes from this branch of the family tree.

My husband's history is the deep South. His grandmother can trace their descendants back to the Mayflower. There are colonels and belles and even Thomas Edison in his family tree. His relatives had a love for education and nature, and there are many foresters and naturalists in his family tree. On his father's side, there is a hard work ethic that came from starting from nothing and creating a family, and although the history isn't as known on this side, the heritage they've passed down is still just as rich.

So what does this heritage imply for our children? My husband brings a love of history and a passion for the South...not the "redneck" stereotype, but the true Southern gentleman. He shares with his children all of the names of the native Southern plants; what they are, what they do, how you can survive off the wilderness... His grandfathers taught him the importance of hard work and doing things right so that working, in my husband's mind, is second nature. He brings work and play together as he truly enjoys what he does, whether it's his work with 48 Days or playing "Mr. Fix-it" around the house. His parents fostered his imagination in a way where I am continually amazed by his creativity and the amazing things he comes up with--his time on the floor with our girls in creative play is incredible to watch.

The greatest thing from my heritage is from my Amish grandparents...this was what we carried on the most, and made the greatest impact on our whole family. My father's parents taught us the "best of" the Amish, in my mind. We learned how to do things from scratch...sew, bake, grow a garden and take it from a seed to canning, applesauce, or a fresh rhubarb crisp. I learned about farming on my uncle's farm, and learned about flowers from following my grandpa around. Grandma taught me how to make a perfect stitch, and that if it's not done right, it's not done at all.

My grandparents instilled a heritage that, although they chose to leave the Amish ways when they married, the core values and ethics flowed over to their children, their children's children, and now on to their great-grandchildren. I could go on and on about the people they were and the impression the made on our whole family. They welcomed my mother, a naive "worldly" fashion model, and embraced her as one of their own...and in doing so exemplified the love and openness I admire so much as a reflection of the faith we celebrate as well. My grandmother made such an impact on me I named my daughter after her--not only are we passing on the heritage of our family, we are passing on the family names. (My paternal grandparents' engagement picture)

Both of our girls are named after our grandmothers--three grandmas honored, and eight legacies in that generation that we have to thank for the heritage we know now. We celebrate the history that is in our childhood hearts--the elements of our past and our ancestor's past that has been stored in our souls and passed down to each generation. We remember and relish certain things from childhood that become etched in our memory as important...and then we pass it on to our own children.

A Princeton definition of heritage is "practices that are handed down from the past by tradition"... The practices and stories I learned from my grandparents and my husband did from his have created the crucial foundation for our own definition of family. We are blessed to have our heritage, and the next post will go further into the traditions we've brought into our own home because of it.

What is your heritage? How do you pass that down in your family?

...In Celebrating Together...Our Faith....

2011-02-12T15:03:00.001-06:00

Line #3 of our Family Creed is "We believe in celebrating together--our faith, our heritage, our traditions."
This is such a complex line that it's too much for one blog. I started writing and saw that I would never make it past the first comma without the need for another blog. So, line #3 is divided even more, down to the key points--Faith, Heritage, and Tradition.

Faith is such a hot topic, and it tends to either bring great controversy or get tiptoed around. Whenever "faith" is brought into play, it instantly takes one to the theological debate not only on "what do I believe," but "what religion do I follow?" Religion is that hairy issue that unfortunately tends to divide us all instead of unite us. Typically the next question following the religion one is to explain why that religion (or denomination) is "right" and the rest is therefore "wrong." Nathan and I have spent a lot of time studying and questioning why we believe what we do. I love to have theological debates with people of other viewpoints (as long as the goal is open discussion vs. converting to one mind). I don't believe we live in a black and white world, and although my faith in God has never faltered, I've definitely had times of questioning my affiliation with a specific denomination (or religion, for that matter) throughout my life.

I know I will never have all the answers on what I believe; the more I experience and mature in life, the more it's going to reflect in my understanding of our Creator. I'm pushing myself to stay challenged, however, I'm also satisfied in being "gray." In other words, I don't need the why for everything I believe--and I definitely have a lot of open-ended viewpoints that don't fall in line with where I live in the conservative buckle of the Bible Belt. So how do I share my faith with my family, when I myself cringe at the fire-and-brimstone black and white mentality I see in many of the institutions around us? (I say "institution" because my understanding of God's "church" is the people, not the place...at least that's what I hope it is!)

Now, before I go any further (and I'll go ahead and put the disclaimer out here that discussions, I love...conversion missions to get me to "see the light" are another ballgame)...my belief in God is sound. I want my children to know this, and it's important in our marriage. But the hows to pass it on are tough. In the black and white understanding of a child, how do I celebrate the "gray" that I love?

It's an amazing ride, being a parent, and I know my kids are going to question these things--like why do we celebrate our faith? What do we believe (and ultimately, what do I believe)? Why does God allow bad things? Who is Jesus? How is God three people? Who, what, where, how, why, why, why? My hope is that I can give my kids the reasons I celebrate what I believe--that we can grow together in our faith, and that I can instill in them a joy and desire to learn all they can in everything, especially their faith. I want them to know faith like they know love in our home. Faith, peace, hope, compassion, love...these encompass my viewpoint of God, and beyond my words, I hope our children celebrate it by the things that we do--the times we spend in nature "talking with the trees" and feeding the ducks, playing in the huge forsythia in the back that has become the "zookeeper's house", the "fairy house", the "kitty-cat bed," etc...

In one of Dad's blogs, he talks about our daughter's Talks with Jesus. When we celebrate our faith with our children, it doesn't mean I sit them down for a lesson in what to believe or think. Although I want to be continually learning in our family, it's more than just in a book--it's celebrating our faith through all elements of our lives--not just in our minds, but in our hearts and in the emotions we go through. It's through play and work, joy and tears, confidence and lack thereof. It means that we celebrate it all--together. The questions, the awe, the beauty, the doubts, the peace in faith, etc. And I know that it's not a one-way street. I'm eager to discover what my children will teach me when it comes to reminding me why I celebrate faith.

...We were brought together to support and care for each other

2011-02-02T11:18:00.002-06:00

On to line #2 of Our Family Creed: We Believe...we were brought together to support and care for one another.

When I asked Ladybug Girl who was on her team, she immediately said "my sister, Mommy and Daddy." When I asked her what she would do if Snugglepuppy fell down, she said she'd help her up. When I asked her why we were brought together, she told me Jesus made us for each other. It's simple. We look out for each other. We lift each other up (sometimes literally). We are a team.

My interview with a three-year-old doesn't necessarily bring forth deep thoughts, but even at a young age she knows that we aren't just a hierarchy; we are a full team. It's not just that Mommy is the nurturer and Daddy manages the bills...our kids see parents who work together to ensure that not only are the finances under control, but that our house, our home flows smoothly...we work together to cook meals, clean the house, play and interact with our children...and the kids do their part as well--helping clean up, wiping the table, and spending special time with each family member individually...

Every person is important to the family, and every person likes to feel needed. Giving my children responsibility to think outside of themselves and consider the needs and desires of others is crucial to the family as a whole. Snugglepuppy doesn't just need a diaper changed...she needs the emotional support that only her big sister brings. She thrives in watching her sister, and Ladybug Girl launches to her highest form when she has that admiring audience.

We all step up in this family. We all have roles to play, and we all encourage each other and lift each other up. When we see a passion in one of us, how can the rest of us support that? How can you encourage the things you each love? Security is not just in having physical fulfillment; it's about that feeling of being a part of something bigger. My girls are not out in this world alone--they have a whole family backing them, and we can descend like army ants to support one another in life. I feel this does more than just give them security in knowing we're there for one another...it also creates confidence and wisdom--those hair-brained ideas we all come across in our lives aren't for us to digest alone, but thrown out to the whole family to digest and act as a sounding board of loving support and accountability. We as a group are the first set of peers and mentors we experience on a daily basis--so what are we doing every day to lift up, encourage, and motivate each other?

What are you doing in your family? How do you define support for your daughter? Your son? Your spouse?

...In living deeply, laughing often, and loving always.

2011-01-26T20:27:00.002-06:00

Each week I want to address one line from our Family Creed. The first line states "We believe in living deeply, laughing often, and loving always." The key element to me in this post is that second action--laughing often. Laughter does so much more than just feel good on the inside. It lifts any heaviness in the air, it allows you to reset your attitude, and it's just plain fun to do.

When you live life full of passion--when you truly "live deeply", you embrace the moment. Back in college I read Eckhardt Tolle's The Power of Now. It talked about savoring the moment--truly living in the present and not wallowing in the past, or spending so much time focusing on the future that we forget about today. It's easy to do, especially with kids...you spend so much time planning...what to cook for dinner, where do kids need to go tomorrow, what work project is due next, what vacations are we going to do and what can we budget to handle next month, etc., etc. Why is it that we only allow ourselves to live deeply and savor the moment when we're on a scheduled vacation? What if we took a "mini vacation" every day...taking a moment to breathe deeply...and truly live deeply.

So, going back to laughing often. If we are living deeply...with passion and gusto, if we allow ourselves to feel the present moment, we then have a choice. How are those moments going to affect us? When the kids are cranky, the bills are stacked up, and there are 300 emails to answer (maybe this is just me), how can we cope and actually enjoy ourselves? It's the old cliche- when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Whatever you want to say, the bottom line is, give a little. Figure out how to make yourself laugh. When I have the days where kids basically prevent me from accomplishing anything else, I figure "what the heck- let's have some fun." And those are days I choose to laugh. Often. About anything. Even if I have to force it at first, I need to let go and understand that some days you just have to let things slide. Sometimes it's not worth the battle. Sometimes you have to remember that living deeply isn't always about cramming everything into every moment...sometimes it's about letting some stuff slide so you can truly enjoy the things that matter. The things you love. The people you love. The people, that no matter what, you choose to love always. So embrace them, both literally and figuratively. Let go of the nit-picky details, order a pizza, laugh a lot, and go back to the family you love. Always.

Are You Living Your Life As the Gift That It Is?

2011-01-20T19:42:00.001-06:00

This video was so inspiring, I had to watch it twice to take it all in. My sister-in-law, Teri, passed this on, and it was just what I needed at just the right moment for me to truly receive it. Please watch this all the way through...it's gorgeous, not to mention a great reminder of those precious, precious moments that slip away all too quickly:

What are those daily gifts in your life that give you that "ahhhhh......" feeling?

Our Family Creed

2011-01-18T10:25:00.002-06:00

Growing up with the family I have, having basic rules for the house just weren't enough. Time-outs included listening to motivational tapes by Zig Ziglar (I know his voice in my sleep now) and laying out goals for the future. Mom's top priority was to create a "haven of peace" in our home. Going with the 48 Days philosophy that to truly succeed you must first know yourself and know your mission, our family had a mission statement we taped on the wall:

In a safe place, people are kind. Sarcasm, fighting, back-biting and name-calling were exceptions. Kindness, consideration and forgiveness are the way of life.

In a safe place there is laughter. Not just the canned laughter of television, but real laughter that comes from sharing meaningful work and play.

In a safe place there are rules. The rules are few and fair and are made by the people who live and work there, including the children.

In a safe place people listen to one another. They care about one another and show that they do.

Please God, make this a safe place. ~Mary MacCracken

What wall, you wonder? The bathroom one, of course! Where else do you go several times daily and sit/stand still without anything else to do but read something? If you ever want your family to memorize something, I'm telling you, this is the way to do it! (And yes, I wrote the above from memory).

Now that my girls are getting older (1 and 3), it's time that we start really laying out the principles we want to live by. Although I cherish the mission statement I grew up with, I was eager to find our own. We do have our basic rules laid out by Ladybug Girl:

But a mission statement is more than that--it's not just going over all of the "no's"....it's about addressing the "yeses" the things that are most important to us as a family. I was browsing through a random magazine one day and found it--I don't know who to trace this to, but this is the essence of what I desire for our home, and what we have chosen to capture as our "family creed." This is not only in our bathroom, but on the fridge and in my wallet.

Here is what it says:

Over the next few blogs, I want to hash out each one of these statements above--to address why we chose to have them in our creed and what it means to me. I'm excited about this and I'm eager to hear about yours.

Do you have a family mission statement (or creed)?