Like most seasonal transitions, it begins slowly and quietly…tiny little shifts in the air, the plants, the sky, the soul.  It might seem odd, but spring has never really been my favorite season.  Maybe it’s because I’ve always lived in the south, but I usually prefer the shift from summer to fall.  The cool weather and the harvest; the feast days and the rich, earthy colors.  But something about this spring has just really inspired me.

I think that it may have to do with the way that the seasons have really aligned with my life events in the past months…the reaping of what had been sown in the fall, the cold, dark winter (the only light in the dark being the celebration of our Savior’s birth) and now, finally spring.  With Lent leading up to it, it feels especially like a season of newness for me.  Filled with hope and rejoicing in a God who came to save us.  I’ve noticed every little part of the shift, every honey-toned ray of sunshine saturating patches of neon green grass.  Every sweet bloom that has opened so slowly, and so quickly fallen away.  The smell of rain and freshly turned soil.

It’s truly spring in my soul right now.

I’m going to miss my dad’s back yard and garden, it’s always felt like a little oasis to me.  Asher and I spent countless hours in it the year that Dash was deployed and we were living here, and although a lot has changed since then, this backyard still feels like a timeless little slice of heaven.  It’s such a treat to watch spring unfold in it, the trees and vines and annual blooms, the birds and squirrels and of course, the garden.  Back in the fall we planted a new little strawberry patch and it has been growing beautifully so far.  We have been picking plenty of lettuce and herbs lately and peas are already starting to bloom and set.  I’m thankful that a northward move will mean a long spring for us this year, extra blooms to behold, and the possibility of having time to plant another garden of our own.

I’m feeling confident that we will join nature in beautiful bloom, once we are finally planted.

Hello friends! I’m finally back (again)!

I really needed to take another breather after my big confession post, because I had lots of mixed emotions about continuing with a personal blog.  I really do love having this space- the memories recorded, projects shared, new friends and connections made- but I also felt the need to step back and evaluate the purpose of keeping this blog in a public space.  I have a personal journal that I write in and I have albums full of photos…maybe those are enough?

I’ve come to the conclusion that blogging is a unique outlet.  It’s one that I like having and one that I am good at balancing my family priorities with so that I can enjoy my time spend here, procuring posts with words and photos so that I can come back to them someday and read them, smiling, with a full heart for the beautiful, blessed life that I live.  I have also made friendships through blogging- a small community- that love me and inspire me and uplift me.  So I’m going to keep blogging.

After coming to that decision, I prayed and let myself get creative in an effort to remake and rename this space.  I needed to give it a new name, but really, it’s the same at it’s heart- a mama who is grateful for her children and her faith and who records life in photos and short stories when she takes the essential moment to reflect.

The changes feel so fitting for this new chapter we are about to embark upon.

A nova vida.

It’s bittersweet.  We are Harts now.

Planning a move, dreaming, praying about this new life.

Deep at the center of all the other emotions that swirl and churn and move in and out of my soul, like the ebb and flow of the tides, I’m excited.  I’m filled with hope and faith.

I’m ready.

It’s a bit overdue, huh?   Since returning home, we celebrated a birthday (can my baby really be one already?!), prepared ourselves to begin this Lenten season and have also had a lovely slew of illnesses come our way.  We’ve been having an unseasonably warm February though, so it’s been nice to be able to head outside for some vitamin D when things have gotten rough.

So the trip.  It was wonderful.  It was gray, cold and rainy the entire time, (and we all caught a stomach bug!) but we still managed to get out for a beach visit, hiking, some backyard play, a ride on the ferry to another island and even a (very) snowy adventure to Mount Baker.  And we also drank lots of hot tea, coffee and homebrewed IPA.  And ate chocolate cake!  My sister baked me the most delicious chocolate cake for my 29th birthday, which came and went while we were there.  All of my photos were with the phone after all, although we did get to snap a few indoors with the big camera.  I’m so glad we went.  There was so much peace and joy to be found in listening to cousins talk about legos and rocks, dress-up and ballet, sipping hot tea with my sister in her kitchen, donning woolen socks and knitted hats, and taking in the view of beautiful, towering hemlocks that texture every landscape of the island.  I genuinely love it there.

It’s always so awesome, especially for the mamas that first day.  Everyone is thrilled to wake up to each other and they spend the day in cousin bliss while the the grown-ups get to sit around and sip coffee and actually talk, without interruption or sketchy phone connections.

{about as good as it got for my crazy kids- they were too excited to hold still!}

And I loved getting to spend time reading with, snuggling with and hanging out with my niece and nephews. They are so precious and special to their Auntie Brit.

{“Take my picture Aunt Brittany!” You don’t have to ask me twice, sweetie

{The one afternoon that the sun came out and the skies cleared}

{Poor Amelia was inside, beginning to feel ill with the stomach bug which eventually took us all down}

Although the evening temperatures were close to bringing snow to the backyard, they never did plunge low enough.  We thought that a day trip to Mount Baker for some sledding would be a huge treat for all of the kids (especially Asher who was dying to see some snow- he has missed it since we spent a winter in Oklahoma).  We ended up delaying the trip a day so that everyone was clear of the chuck bucket and seeming back to their cheery selves (except me, who never did throw up, but felt like I got run over by a truck the morning we went).  We collected bibs, snow jackets, boots and gloves from the closet and from church friends and threw all the gear in the back of the van, packed up six kids and drove to the mountain.

All to spend maybe an hour out in the snow.  Because not only was the snow knee deep (for adults), but it was coming down in gusts like crazy.

It was rough getting across the big snow bowl (frozen lake covered by feet of snow!) to the other side where we did our sledding, but the scenery was absolutely breathtaking.

The sledding part was super fun.  But it all began to unravel, first with Oliver (who never wanted to venture out into a snowstorm in the first place) and quickly we decided that some of the adults should start back with the criers, warm the cars up and bring them closer.  Schlepping back across that frozen lake with a screaming baby was a serious challenge…not only was I pretty much running on one 800mg of ibprofen, but I realized that I am seriously out of shape (hello Lenten goals!).  As we fought our way back to the cars, Brian and I laughed and agreed that the sledding trip was the best mistake we had ever made.

Other trip highlights included my birthday.  The big 29.  One year left in this decade of my twenties and you better believe I’m gonna make it count.  I’ve found that since the divorce, these first milestones and holidays such as these definitely come along with a certain bit of pain, but they also come with deeper reflection.  I honestly never would have dreamed that at 29 I would be a single mom with little idea of what the rest of my life will look like.  But when I have hopeless thoughts like those, the ones that immediately follow are filled with a deeper peace than I’ve known in my whole life.  At 29, I have three gorgeous children.  At 29, I know exactly who I am and I know what really matters.  And while I might not know exactly where it will be right now, I know that in the coming years, I will raise up children and I will grow food.  At 29, I’m still supported my the most amazing parents and sisters (and brother-in-laws!).  At 29, I am greatly blessed.  And that is more than enough for me.

For my birthday, all I wanted was a day to get out with the kids and hike in the woods.  And that we did!  We hiked the beach and the forest, noticing all of the beautiful bits of nature that a Washington January has to offer.  She offers many.

We ended the evening with a feast followed by homemade chocolate cake and also celebrated by cracking open Brian’s first homebrew, an IPA which turned out to be pretty amazing.  29 might have been my favorite birthday yet.

On our last day, my sister and I decided to take the kids out on one last big adventure.  We were going to head over to Coupeville, a little town that I really wanted to visit and from there catch the ferry to Port Townsend and go visit the big lighthouse on the island.  We looked up ferry times, set the game plan.  The next morning we picked out outfits for everybody carefully and packed the big camera in hopes of getting some great photos out at the lighthouse.  We made it to Coupeville for lunch at the Knead and Feed and I pretty much fell in love with the town as soon I turned down Main Street.

After an amazing lunch, we walked around a bit and headed over to the ferry, deciding against bringing the cars and going it on foot with the strollers.  And therein lay the fatal flaw.  When we arrived on the island we realized that there would indeed NOT be any walking up to the lighthouse if we’d like to make it before dark, so in a desperate attempt to save the afternoon, we jumped on a city bus.  Well, we didn’t jump really, we strained and pulled and instructed and blushed as we hauled our two strollers and six children onto the bus, having no idea where we were really going.  In the end, we discovered that there was no way we would make it to the lighthouse before dark and looking at the tourist map, we asked the driver if we should visit the local creamery.  He really was a kind man and he tried his best, I’m sure, but we honestly thought he knew what he was talking about when he let us off at the stop for the creamery.  We hurried by the large tattoo parlor and found the small creamery just around the corner, but as we ushered everyone inside, it was obvious that this place was not going to offer us the redemptive ice cream cones that we were hoping it might.  This creamery was a local cheese making shop and was filled with artisan cheeses, crackers, breads and wines.  The face of the girl working in the shop when we came pushing through was pretty priceless.  We finally just had to laugh out loud at it all and we told the girl our story as we fed our children cheese samples and selected some wine and cheese to bring home with us. Cause at this point, we more than deserved it.  We caught a bus back to the ferry and made the long journey home.  Even though it was a bit of a bust, we had a great time (the ferry was so much fun for the kids) and we had us quite a delicious spread to enjoy once we had everyone tucked into bed.  Next time we will see the lighthouse.

None of us were really ready to come home, especially not me.

Washington…we will be back.

——————————————————–

Since being home, we celebrated another birthday…I can’t believe my sweet Oliver is already one.

He is the smallest of the family, but such a source of great warmth.  Like the hearth of our home that we all gather round when we need some comfort from the chill of the world.  He is so much like his big brother at this age, yet unique in many ways too.  He is a steady walker now and he wears a head full of curls.  He has eight tiny teeth that he shows all the time because he is almost always flashing the cheesiest smile you’ve ever seen.  I feel so honored to be the arms he most prefers and his cuddle mate at night.  I’m blessed to be his mama.  We celebrated his day by picking the rest of our garden carrots and making him a homemade carrot cake.  It was this one and it was definitely a hit.  One for the family cookbooks, it will be made again.

{He got the traditional first birthday Rody.  Yes.  We now own a small herd of Rodys.}

And now are are one week into Lent.  This Lent, I had several goals and sacrifices in mind for myself and so far I feel like I’m already benefiting from them in spiritual and physical ways. Amongst the many things I thought and prayed about, I’ve been praying my rosary again daily and have been trying my hardest to be a more calm, peaceful, joyful and mindful mama in all that I do and say.  I’ve also been trying to carve out a little bit more time for myself.  A hot bath or a half hour to go on a run and a fresh new journal to spend some more time with.  I told Asher that I would start nature journaling with him too!

So how is your Lent going so far friends?  Care to share any of your own personal goals or sacrifices?

The kids and I are currently working on some little Mass books, a project from the book A Year With God.  Asher has several different little Mass books for children that he likes bringing to church and trying to follow along with, so this has been a really fun project for him to get to make his own.  Hopefully I can snap a few photos and share later this week.  Besides that little project, our homeschool has basically consisted of lots of under-the-covers reading together and a little bit of sentence writing and occasionally a bit of math.  It’s amazing to listen to Asher read and discuss things with me these days.  That kid.  He and Amelia are both really into the Little House books these days.  What’s everyone else learning about this February?

Ok, so if you are still reading this post, I applaud you.  It was a long one and true to form, I began to ramble about all sorts of other stuff there towards the end there.

Blessings friends!

Hi blog and all you friends out there!  I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.  I’ve been missing this place, recording our days, projects, recipes and memories here and I miss the online connections that always seem to lift me up and encourage me on this journey through life and especially motherhood.

I’ve spent weeks writing words in my head.  Planning my comeback.  But when I sit down to write that post, my words and heart fail me.  I just don’t know what to say.  I’m sad, scared, humiliated- yet I’m beginning to see the light, twinkling there in the future again.  I feel the need to share, at least a bit of this painful experience here, because I’ve found through the kindness of others that we are never alone in our pain.  Others have been there too.  And if I can be that “other” so someone else who walks this path behind me, it’s worth it to overcome my own humiliation and to reach out, offering the same encouraging hand that helped (and is still helping) pull me along this path when I thought I might just lay down and never get up again.  So with that being said, I guess I’ll just say it…

Dash and I have gotten a divorce.

*Deep breath*

It’s still awful to see it in writing.  To say it out loud.  It’s something that I never dreamed, in a million years, would happen.  It’s something that I didn’t want and still don’t want.  But it is.  I believe with all of my heart that a Christian Marriage- vows made before God- are sacramental and are sacred.  I would have stayed and fought for our family and marriage with every fiber of my being, despite all of the terrible things that had come to pass for us and for our marriage.  I believe that we would have been better people for it and that God would have provided us with the graces to repair all that had been broken.  But God gave us the gift of free-will, and one simply can’t stay and make a marriage work alone.  Sigh.  I almost fell apart, if it weren’t for the amazing love of my family and friends, the graces of the sacraments and most importantly for the three amazing little people that are the purpose of my life’s work right now.  When I didn’t think I would ever be able to get out of bed again, my love for them carried me up and out and through the days.  Through the period in which I felt utterly destroyed and thoughts of the future were bleak and terrifying.  Into this current era of new hope mixed with a lingering sadness.  And my family.  My friends.  They have wrapped me (both spiritually and literally, I’ll have to share photos of “the blanket” sometime soon) in this love….I can’t even find the words to describe it.  It has been both a strong armor and the softest, warmest blanket- filled with small deeds of kindness, big prayers and lots and lots of hugs.  I can’t help but feel that even though life as I once knew and loved it has been shattered and scattered into the wind, I am so blessed.

So that’s where I am now.  Making new plans, living with family for the time being and praying a lot about our future.  And of course my babies are with me.  I’m asking God big questions like, “What is my vocation?”  and “Were the vows of my husband ever valid?”.  After much prayer and discernment, I have submitted a request to our diocese to examine the validity of my marriage and to grant me an annulment if they find, as I feel I have, that it indeed never was a true sacramental marriage.  I don’t plan on sharing any more of the intimate details of our circumstances in this public space, but if you feel the need to reach out to me please, please do.

I don’t think I’ll talk much about it all from here on out, unless I feel the Holy Spirit’s promptings to for some reason or another.  One of the reasons I love this online journal is because it encourages me to relish in the beauties and blessings of our life and I have plenty of those to record.  Another small bit of sad news right now too is that my camera has been broken.  It seems fitting though, through this period of my life, that there are very few photos to record and remember these days.  They have been hard days, the holidays especially and to be honest, I don’t really have a huge desire to remember them.  The joy of Christ’s birth was enough reason to celebrate and carry us through this season and of course we were blessed to be surrounded by my family and to have a new baby among us.  That sweet Silas makes us all smile, especially his cousins.  I’m hoping to have a solution to my broken camera soon- I’m really missing it and feeling so ready to pick it back up again and to capture the beautiful faces of my ever growing children again.  They have grown so much in these past months, it makes my heart ache.  Oliver is starting to walk and has curly hair!  And eight teeth!  And Asher and Amelia seem to be getting taller by the day, sigh…  We will have new family photos SOON.  It’s time.

We will be going up to Washington for a couple week visit here in just a few days as well.  Our hearts are longing for the Pacific Northwest in a new way these days.  We are so excited for cousins, giant hemlocks, fireside family evenings and maybe even for some snow!  I don’t think I’ll have my camera back in time for our trip, but my sister has her gear and I’m sure I’ll have a chance to get my hands on it and capture some of our memory-making in the moments that she has her hands full

Your continued prayers are always appreciated my friends.  Thank you so much for being there for me, encouraging me and blessing me.

I’ll be back soon for a fresh start and hopefully with some Washington photos!

xo,

Brit

Hi friends.

It’s been awhile.  I’m sorry for that.

I’ve had to step away from this space for a bit because life these days have been full of some huge, unexpected changes.

It’s crazy how quickly everything can change on you.

We are all in good health and ok, but our family is still facing some huge changes that I don’t feel quite ready to share here yet.  But I miss this space so much and the silence here makes me so sad.  I felt the need this evening to finally address it and to assure you that I’m here, but just working hard to keep my head above water right now.  I’m still around, surrounded by my most amazing family and friends.

How about for now I’ll continue to share my knitting projects and garden produce?  I still have those and they are still little pockets of peace and joy in my life.

pomegranates from dad’s back yard

And of course these gorgeous, beautiful babies.  The lights of my life!

with their schultüten on our first day of homeschool

And there is a new baby in my life these days!  My sweet new nephew Silas James.  Born just 13 days ago on September 29th (Feast of the Archangels!  Our Michaelmas feast this year was postponed…), he has blessed the Hart Family with their 7th living grandchild (although he is actually #9, with two little cousins in heaven).  I sure love him.

isn’t this such a “first days” photo?  new mom snaps blurry photo while trying to one-handedly scarf down her food…

Something else we have been enjoying, as usual, is the autumn weather and emerging colors.  This is my favorite time of year.

How has your Autumn been?  How about your garden and projects?

I’ll be around friends!  I could use prayers if you find a moment to offer some.

xo,

Brit

Wow, is June already come and gone?

There are so many times I want to jump on here and blog.  And then I just don’t get around to it.

I’ve also found that when life gets tough, I need to keep my head down, keep the prayers going up and just take care of myself and my people.  And things have been a bit more “tough” lately- busy with the kiddos, a new job and really the whole new world of life outside of active duty Army.  It’s not all bad tough either, there is a lot of good in there.  But I find it hard to balance the extra work, attention and prayers that life needs during tough times with the quiet time I need to reflect and recharge.  The quiet time seems to be scattered throughout the day in little bits grabbed here and there and for some reason I just have trouble spending my time here in little bits, so instead a knit a few rows, read a few pages, catch a few winks.

Like I always say, living life trumps writing about it.

But I have to post at least once this month!  Time flies and I am more often reaching for my iphone camera than the fancy one, but, I do make sure that I pick it up and purposefully capture my kids at their current ages.  I can hardly believe that my baby Oliver is coming up on five months old.  He has become the heart of our family.  Like the hearth we all gather round when we need a bit of extra warmth, he is always there with his sweet baby cheeks, kissable lips and gummy smiles.  Boy is he ever loved.  Dash and I think he is our prettiest baby yet.

4 months old, lookin for a fist-bump

And these other two crazy kids.  They keep us busy these days.  They are best friends.

Amelia at 2.5, on the left is the usual face I get when I point my camera her way.  The right is the rare occasion of a semi-fake smile.  She is still her mama’s girl, but when she gets hurt, she needs Dr. Daddy.

Asher at 5.  Currently on a haircut strike and a learning streak.  I can’t believe he isn’t even a pre-schooler anymore.  We are officially starting K in the fall and we are super excited to be doing it here at home.

I am loving these summertime kids to the moon and back.

—————

June garden!

And while I’m here (cause who knows when I’ll be back!

Happy gardening.  Happy summer!

I’m starting this new post series in the hopes that it will help me keep better track of our gardening adventures!

The garden has been a half-nurtured place this past fall and spring.  Between planning for an overseas move that ended up not happening to welcoming a new baby into our family (and planning another move- hopefully closer to Austin and to daddy’s NEW JOB!), that beloved space back there just hasn’t gotten the attention and investment that I really dream of giving a garden.  But given that fact, I think things are still looking pretty good out there.

Since constructing all of the raised beds, I decided to keep all of the herbs in pots.  Hopefully I will find a prettier way to place them about the yard, but for now they are just sitting in a row along the side of a raised bed.  Basil is looking and smelling great and we are getting lots of ripening cherry tomatoes-perfect combo!  We’ve got lots of different tomatoes growing and looking good out there right now- we purchased them all from starts, but maybe in the fall we will actually start our own seeds.

I am also really missing having a compost pile right now.  We had to buy compost/soil to amend beds and I hate spending money on dirt

The seeds that I did directly sow were in the ground a bit later than I would have liked, but they are coming up and looking good now!  When I added soil to a few of the beds, I got a little bit too much compost and not enough sandy loam type soil, so the seeds were having trouble coming up at first and I had to amend the soil a bit more.  It’s also probably due to the fact that I bought the cheapest bags of organic compost that I could find

The growing list right now includes about 10 tomatoes, 8 different types of peppers, eggplant, okra, tomatillo, green and yellow beans, yellow summer squash, zucchini, cucumbers, salad greens, lots of chard, calendula and zinnia and tons of different herbs including lavender, tarragon, oregano, basil and more.  It looks like we even have a volunteer cantaloupe that has popped up.  We still have the tree citrus trees, but for some reason that I cannot figure out, they aren’t looking very well.  The mandarin tree, which gave us a few fruits this past season has some healthy new growth toward the bottom, but after blooming well up top the branches are all slowly losing leaves, turning brown and dying.  I’m suspecting some sort of fungus or blight?  Both the lemon and mexican lime are doing the same and although all three bloomed beautifully, no fruit set.  I have checked my watering methods and have been sure to fertilize and add good soil so, I just don’t know.  We are in a rough area for bugs and blights I have learned- it’s sad.  We also lost our pear tree to fire blight

I’m content with what we have out there for now because as I mentioned before, we have another move on the horizon!  Hopefully headed to the Austin area to be settled in a place that will allow us to put down some more garden roots and to at least have a small flock of chickens again!

May 2012 garden (with one last bed to be weeded, soiled and planted- hopefully with some roots like carrots and beets!)

How’s your garden growing these days?

I always want to title posts with some sort of lead-on that ends with the first words of the blog post.  For example, “a love affair…..with caprese!”

Man I am such a nerd.

Anyways.  I went with the simple title, because it is definitely fitting for this simple salad that our family so loves.

Caprese.

The perfect salad (or at least one of them in my humble opinion).

Someday I am going to have a dairy cow and I am going to make our own mozzarella cheese, but for now I will settle with growing our own basil and tomatoes and buying our little mozzarella perlini at the grocery store.

Our usual method for this salad is a simple slice it and toss it, but today I thought we would try something new.  With my little shadow (aka princess of the house) at my side, we placed sliced cherry tomatoes and mozzarella inside of basil boats and stuck a toothpick through it all.  Then we sprinkled the plate with kosher salt, cracked pepper, olive oil and balsamic.  Simple and delish.

You should definitely make it.  It’s even better with freshly baked french bread.

Let me know if you make it and love it too!

Do you ever have moments when you want to actually laugh out loud at the sheer awesomeness of this thing we call love?

I do.  I have them a lot (cause I’m sappy like that- I’ve warned you).  Last night I had one that was short and fleeting, as I teetered on the edge of sleep, but also felt rather profound.

Lying in bed, my body curves gently around the warm, delicious-smelling lump of my baby and I kiss his soft head, breath in his sweetness.  I marvel at just how much I can love.  My heart feels like it might explode.  It was one of those moments, the ones that make the long days of mothering so worth it.  And it dawned on me, yet again, the “big picture”.

I was created in His very image.

This is how He loves me.

And I am sure that He has blessed me with these children to remind me so.

This is why we procreate. Co-create.

I whisper a prayer of thanks.

I smile in the dark and drift to sleep.

Ah, peaceful sleep.

Since my hands are full of a variety of  “stay at home mama” items lately (babies, dirt, iphone, dough, pencil, rosary, wooden spoon- you get the picture), blogging time has been slim to none.  But the urge to photo journal this life of ours is ever present, and Instagram has become the scratch for my itch.  I am embracing the simplicity of capturing life, one-handed with my iphone lately and since this space has become rather quiet, I created a new link at the top called “our insta-life”.  So if you’ve wondering what’s been going on at Casa Ballarta lately and wishing Mama would post more than once a month, click on over for a glimpse at our every day life in photos.

We are still here, busy as ever, enjoying the small things, and thanking God for this life that is ours.