Mamalicious Life

My ma

2010-09-07T02:02:00.000-05:00

It's 1:51 AM 

I SHOULD be in bed

and

my PHONE should NOT be ringing.

Who the eff is calling at 1:51 AM?

Guess!

No really, go on and guess.

NO...

NOT MY MOM!!

well, not exactly...

It's an automated message that I just received a   

text message on my landline

What did it say?

*insert robot voice* <--- This part is CRITICAL.

Holy. Shit. I. Just. Googled. Puerto. Vallarta. Party. Bus. And. You. Came. Up. Number. One.

Congrats on learning how to text, Ma.

And thanks for the urgent info.

Goodnight.

Who likes RANDOM stuff?

2010-09-02T01:57:00.000-05:00

bad = the radio station playing that Celine Dion song from Titanic "my heart will go on" on the radio the other night.

The other night as in August of 2010.

??????????????????????????

worse = me cranking the radio and singing it as loud and as emotionally charged as possible.

however... I can not or will not confirm if that is fact or fiction.

but

I can say that right after that did or did not happen they played my girl Britney's old school song "oops I did it again" to which I also sang my bloody heart out.

and

after that factual or fictional song singing episode they played "red red wine" which I also sang to just as loudly and fiercely as I did the others.

The other Parent

2010-08-25T18:43:00.000-05:00

Now that I've shared one of MANY reasons that I am deserving of the 

Mother of the Year Award

Let me share a story about how Papi is deserving of the

Father of the Year Award

A couple of weeks ago Papi was sitting at the desk pictured in the top section of this photo

Meanwhile my kids were on the far side of their room which is just to the left of the dresser in the bottom left corner. It's approximately 15 feet from the far wall in their room to that desk chair. On that far wall is a window. And this is the view from that window.

Yes the room is on the second floor. 

Are you noticing anything strange about this picture yet?

Here, take a CLOSER LOOK...

While Josue had his back turned, the 

3 LITTLE HUGE MONSTERS

not only opened the window but the SCREEN too and threw toys into the pool

All I can say is thank

him AND his fruitloops

that NONE of the MONSTERS went flying out that window.

Honestly, I think it's my boys that should win

MONSTERS of the YEAR Award.

Needless to say... it's time to lock the kids in the closet.

Mother of the Year Mondays

2010-08-25T18:23:00.001-05:00

I knooooooow.... 

It's NOT MONDAY!!

But I'm not very conventional so I'll do it my way, OK???

There are approximately 

4,745,236,958,245,053 

reasons why I could and should win mother of the year but I'm only going to share one with you right now.

Lately the youngest 3 monsters LOVE making homemade (from the box) chocolate chip muffins. I'm actually happy that they enjoy this because:

a)They are quick and easy
b)They are delicious when they are done
c)I guess it's KINDA cute to watch the monsters whip up a batch in pure delight

Here's a little photo book of what this event looks like.
Actually, truth be told...it's mostly just me trying to force my kids to take a picture with me so I can prove to them when they are older that I did in fact do more than just ignore them their whole lives in order to keep up with my friends via facebook.

HOWEVER

while Chuleta and Fishy Richie were busy doing the mixing, Mommy of the Year who tried to distract Big Bug with a coloring book, finally looked over to check on him only to find out that he was instead doing this:

Trying to burn the house down. Thanks kid.

The good news is that I was able to persuade Big FIRE Bug to instead come and enjoy this:

Some healthy eating.

Peace at last.

El fin.

I Suck!

2010-08-21T20:53:00.000-05:00

Sometimes as soon as you get the ball rolling it hits a wall. I guess that's what happened to me 3 days and 3 posts into my blog.

FORGIVE ME!!!! POR FA!!!! 

In efforts to try and redeem myself to all 2 not so faithful followers I am going to share a quick story about my

MA MA MA MA MA

First and foremost you should know that my ma has the trashiest hoe-bag neighbour that their ever was.

My ma and the hoodrat became "friends" at first and even though I warned my ma, like all little black sheep she did not listen.

(My warning wen't something like this:

Me: "Ma, you're neighbour is such a whore! Seriously, why do you hang out with that White trash skank?"

Ma: "mumble...excuse...mumble...")

After (too long) a while my ma finally figured out on her own that the hoe-bag was a downer and a drain.

Fortunately
that realization has resulted in my ma no longer letting her mooch and hound her.
Unfortunately,
but obviously that hasn't gone over well with Ms. Whiskey Tango.

The discord between them led up to a nasty occurrence just over a month ago. Skeazy McNasty wanted to borrow my ma's sprinkler and the best way to ask was via screaming from across her own yard to my ma who was indoors. Ma said no, skanktastic responded with nonsense and THEN

OUT OF NOWHERE

Crusty the clown comes running over into my ma's yard and ATTACKS her.

WHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?

My mom let her have it and then called the police. Drama ensued.

Since then Dirty Filthbag has been throwing her trash in my ma's backyard. This hasn't fared well for hoodrat because she also threw in her welfare stubs. Did I mention she's been scamming welfare like any good scum bucket would?

One day my ma takes said welfare slips into the office to show Trashtacular who's the smart one and while waiting to speak to someone my ma discovers something on her.

Turns out it was a

TICK!

A nearby man tells my ma it's a blahblahblah (I don't remember the name) type of tick.

DANGER!!!

Luckily my ma probably wasn't bit. At least that's what I as her distant doctor tell her.

But here's where it gets

GOOD!!!

My ma then tells me how she thinks that the disease ball next door probably put that tick in with her garbage DELIBERATELY so that it would get her.

?????????????????

hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha (sorry ma)
You cant' even make stuff this good up!!!

I then had to gently help my ma realize that her alcoholic, child neglecting, drain on society neighbour ~~definitely~~ probably didn't have the sense nor the ambition to actually go Tick hunting and to capture one to hide within her garbage that would later lay a surprise attack on her.

Oh ma...

I love the way your mind works.

(sometimes...like when it's funny and you don't know it)

P.S. Did you get that tick bite checked yet... I heard they are DANGEROUS?!?! ;)

My ma and ma in law

2010-08-06T02:32:00.004-05:00

I've always maintained that there is no one quite like
my ma.
She's very...unique.
How unique?
Oh, the stories my friends could tell.
Truth be known, we all give her a lot of grief over her ways but I will give her this - the things she says and does HAVE given us some good laughs.

Let's just say that her ideas come out of a place that only she has been to.

Like the time so she suggested that we wear boas and put sparkly stuff on our faces.

YES-

For my wedding!!
Granted, that's not quite what she had in mind as far as having sparkly stuff on our faces.

However, in effort to stay on track I'll save the multitudes of stories for another time, but keep watch for them in the future.
(Earlier today she gave me a great story... coming SOON!)

So there we are this afternoon, sitting at the table having a late lunch/early dinner and Papi gets a text message.

This is the english translation of said message:

Is it okay if I get a dog for Fishy Richie?

RANDOM?

We haven't seen Papi's mom since we moved back to Mexico because she lives in Mexico city, so the last time we saw her was 2 years ago come September when she went to Canada to visit us and watch Big Bug be born. Literally.

So, a puppy? Really?

Papi starts to text back and I am nattering on about what kind of dog is it, how old etc and then I'm like wait a SECOND!

Why out of four kids would it be for Fishy Richie?

Actually, now that I reflect back it DOES make sense since

T-Dawg has a pet lion cub

Chuleta has his own flock of flamingos

NOT TO MENTION HIS

Domestic cat

that lives in an enclosed glass shelter at the ZOO!!

and of COURSE...

Big Bug has his own pet goat which 

he CLEARLY adores

Okay, back to the story...

The next text comes.

That is when IT happened.

The next one read:

Should I get one for each of them?

All I was thinking was

Ma, is that YOU?!?!?!

It was as if...

MY Ma was inside of PAPI'S Ma.

I was so confused!
How did we go from ZERO to FOUR pets in 30 seconds?

Oh my word.
It truly felt like something out of the

~~book~~ zone

As if there wasn't enough insanity around here already with

FOUR BOYS!

Papi called her to clear everything up. Especially the why she would be getting them a puppy when we have no idea when we were going to see her part.

Guess what!

(another)

SURPRISE!!!

After us begging for her to move to PV she is finally coming! TODAY! (Well, she won't arrive till tomorrow)

I am super excited because unlike so many people
I did not get this as a Mother in Law

I got something more like this

I just noticed they look alike!

She's wonderful.

It IS a bit crazy though because we just had Papi's cousin's family staying here for a few months while this guy

recovered from this

sooooooooo,

after we JUST started getting the kids used to being back in their own room...

We're gonna have roommates

again.

Just call our place the New Riu.

Normal...enough

2010-08-04T01:18:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I think my kids are normal.

They laze around and watch movies with lots of violence

They make ridiculous faces

They play basketball in their undies

They pee in the park 

They pretend to feel bad for when someone notices

They EAT, pray DRINK, love COLOR

But, it just so happens that SOMEtimes doesn't occur often around here.

Instead we have Ghetto Pirate Costumes 

Booze it up at 4 years old

Use the dryer instead of a warm blanket

Did I mention we are too poor to afford beds?

Ummm....

I swear I didn't drop him when he was a baby

And when did a cooler no longer become a cooler?   

5 seconds after we got it in the house, THAT'S when

OH YEAH,

DON'T FORGET....

The Surprising (and SHOCKING) appearances by 

Nacho Libre

Thanks WWE for reminding him to wear  

tights when he shows up at our restaurant table

But after all this I realize that it's not MY KIDS that aren't NORMAL...

It's Boys.

So I ask.

What went wrong there, Big guy?

Mamalicious Mornings

2010-08-03T23:17:00.001-05:00

When I think of mornings in our house, or in general, I think of F U...

Yup, mornings are always a fun time around here.
Saturday morning started like any other.
It begins with me trying to pretend I don't hear any monsters opening my door and slamming it shut over and over and over.
I mean slamming it.
I really wake up
(when my brain is on the verge of exploding)
~~on my own free will~~
as I'm being poked in the face by multiple fingers to a choir of wailing and moaning children. They boys were singing their usual morning song which I believed is titled "I'm starving." It has some pretty deep lyrics, the chorus goes something like "I want cereal, I want a sandwich, I want ice-cream" with one verse sung by each of the little ones. It's a song that would make any mother's ~~ears bleed~~ insides feel warm and fuzzy.
This particular morning I was feeling terrible, I had a killer headache and was in no mood for any nonsense! I figured if I could get them breakfast as fast as possible I might be able to coheres them into a cuddle fest (aka going back to sleep). I quickly headed for the stairs, got about three steps down only for Big Bug to start screaming "Ma! Ma!" Making someone hold his hand when going down the stairs is his new thing. That's exactly what we need in this house - ANOTHER new thing.
We've got more "new things" than Trump has dollars.
By the time all four of us are downstairs I attempt to start taking orders again, because these boys are like adult women who can't make up their mind so I know it's changed in the last 10 seconds.
Another fight starts
I'm giving someone the wrong bowl.
Now I'm screaming. VERY LOUDLY!! (Inside of my own head but still screaming.)
On to the next fight.
Fishy Richie doesn't want cereal now. This may or may not have been a result of the bowl issue.
I decide this is MY day to win and Fishy Richie can continue to starve.
2 bowls of cereal made and I decide to make one for myself.

More screaming.

Even more screaming.

I haven't even got the cereal bowls to the table yet and I'm ready to call it a day.
Fishy Richie gives in and wants cereal.

Too.

Bad.

BESIDES

You have a father -

Ask him.

Anyways, I deliver the other two bowls to the table and I'm so irritated that I take mine over to the stairs and sit down to eat. It's like I'm a sulking 4 year old. I don't care.
Just as I sit down Big Bug spills some milk on the floor because OF COURSE he can't just keep his bowl at the table and eat. Noooooooooo!
I think by this point my loss of sanity was obvious because Big Bug goes did this.

He's not even 2.

I decide I'm not even going to get mad about it because he was so good about it. He then picks up his bowl AGAIN and my blood starts to boil. What does he do next?

He comes and sits with me. I can NOT be mad at this kid. (At least not right now)

Dad comes down and gives Fishy Richie cereal because apparently which bowl he gets doesn't matter anymore.
Two minutes later him and Chuleta get into it and someone spills again.
Blood boiling!
Rage building!!
Screaming!!! (Only this time it's not inside my head.)

While I'm being MAD this happens.

Chuleta then got up, got the broom and dust pan and cleaned it up. He's 3.

I was almost ready to give up on ~~life~~ mornings and then they go and do that.

Sweet

Stinkin

Monsters

(P.S. for those of you wondering, only half of the bad spacing was intentional.)

Mamalicious Life

2010-08-02T00:29:00.002-05:00

What is a Mamalicious life and who lives it?

Por favor, let me edu.ma.cate. U.

Here is a quick run down (in no particular order) of what mamalicious mama's do:

1. Your baby loses his/her first tooth. You can NOT let your little one be disappointed as it was you that has fed his/her mind full of ridiculous fairy tales for the last 5 years. That means YOU are not going to be the one to let them know that you've been a big fat liar from the very minute they were born. That's right, time to dig down where it hurts (your wallet and your pride) and put on your dainty tooth fairy wings and deliver.

2. It's the dead of summer and your offspring are just about to kick off their 5th consecutive hour of The Family Guy so you force yourself out of your grubby sweats, pull that unflattering one piece out of the bottom of the big black garbage bag stuffed in the corner of your closet that you never got around to taking to good will, squeeze your mommy parts in and run past the mirror as fast as you can without looking and head to the public pool. You will suffer in total embarrassment because you LOVE those little rotters THAT much! Besides, if you have to stomach the sound of that show on tv for one more minute you're going to...well...do something drastic. Like start a load of laundry.

3. You teach them responsibility. Pets are a tool for that. Just like children you need to feed them, play with them, hold them, sing to them... I mean, pets are people too!

4. It's easy to be distracted by the important things you are going to do in your "free time" such as your spa appointment, the nail you just chipped, avoiding getting a grass stain on your freshly pressed designer dress but you've got to stay alert! And yes, I know that sometimes the sweet silence of a coma DOES sound appealing but the reality is no one else wants your problems or your kids so you must always, always, ALWAYS look both ways before crossing the street.

5. But maybe one of the most valuable lessons you can teach your special blessings from heaven is that LESS truly is MORE!!!

I know what you're thinking. Heidi, Halle, Britney, Sofia and Giselle are all doing it completely wrong. And it's true. Look at how RIDICULOUS  they all look! 

Being truly mamalicious means making it through a day full of boogers, vomit, gum in the hair, toys being flushed down the toilet, 53 times outs (12 of which belonged to mom), 3 mental break downs, pulled hair, noise complaints from the neighbours, 1 cut knee, 4 bruises, 942 "he/she did it's", 3 I hate you's, 2348459843 no's and ZER0 thank you's and BELIEVING that it was worth it all for a HUG, a KISS and a CUDDLE from each MONSTER at the end of the never-ending day. 

And those of you that manage that plus a shower and a pair of real clothes deserve a medal. A gold Mamalicious medal...but you'll probably have to settle for one made out of Playdoh instead.