Manfasting: for the Disenchanted Female

Lack of Memory Can Be an Excellent Thing

2012-02-19T11:47:00.000-08:00

This Sunday morning I've found myself reading through past blog entries and flipping through a notebook filled with MFing topics, ideas, along with random vague entries such as this one:

"Starting to feel myself becoming attached. Not knowing what is going through his head is hard. I really want to be with a guy like this."

This was written within the past year, yet I don't know for sure who this is in reference to. I have an idea of who it may be, but if it's who I think it is I was seriously out of touch with who I imagined this guy to be. Way off base.

It's quite eye opening to read mentions of men from my past and needing to rack my brain to figure out who I was referencing. Nothing like time to forget about men I used to be hung up on. It's not that all of a sudden my memory is shot and I forget the names of guys I used to like. I still remember all the people I've dated (or wanted to date), but now that I'm older and have had more dating experiences I suppose that those grandiose feelings I had at the time are lessened with the more frequency with which I feel them. Very similar to how years go by faster for a 30 year old than for a 5 year old.

Crutches, Wine, and Some Good Paul Varjak Wisdom.

2012-01-25T00:12:00.000-08:00

"Well, baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somaliland. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."

Today was a bad day. Nothing horrendous happened, but it's been one of those days where you feel like the universe is against you every step of the way. Frustrated and irritated beyond belief while on my commute home my mind fluctuated between wanting to run away to start afresh or wanting to hear from some guy who could take my mind off of my current life.

That's when it hit me.

Much like a glass of wine to unwind from the stress of the day tonight I clearly saw how I sometimes contact guys to give me a distraction from my problems. I stopped myself from texting a couple of them this evening because I realized it would only temporarily take me away from my real life.

My real life is here and now. No matter who I'm with, what I do, where I go it will follow me. Probably the most important lesson that anyone can take to heart is that one. I am a big time offender of thinking a change of scenery is all it will take. Time and again all my former self finds a way back to me. Now, it's been a long time since I've up and moved somewhere new so I've since replaced that urge with fantasies of thing working out with guys in my life.

Sure some long shot possibilities of men can momentarily take my mind off of my frustrations, but in the long run it's about as healthy as any other vice. And the moral of this story is that I realized, in the moment, that this is unhealthy behavior. I abstained and I became that much stronger in order to win the fight for the life I want to live.

It May Be Snowing, But It's Hot Inside My Head.

2012-01-18T09:57:00.000-08:00

This is the week that the cold winter has finally hit me. I've done pretty well so far, but I am craving some sun and beach action quite badly and my general demeanor has taken a turn for the worse because of it. So as I was headed up the street to my house from the bus an idea popped into my head that is probably the result of watching too many Lifetime movies. I don't want any ordinary beach vacation. What I want is to fly somewhere tropical where I will meet a tanned, svelte man who will show me how to live in the moment everyday and my life will forever be changed.

Mmmm yeah... so screw cold Seattle and its men. I want magic!

Tick-Tock Tick-Tock. Ticktickticktick!

2011-12-28T23:10:00.000-08:00

No not that kind of clock. I started writing tonight about how it's the end of the year, reflecting on the life I've built so far, when I realized that my current life has just... happened. I constantly let life happen to me and, while that's given me some fun times it isn't giving me what I will want a year from now and I will be in basically the same place (with the same problems) as now. While life sometimes just needs to happen I know I have to play a major part in making my life what I want it to be as well.

I can be somewhat good for a bit pushing forward in my life, but then fun gets in the way and instant gratification is the best! Or I think about how I need to have a real, i.e. serious, conversation with someone I may want to be with, thinking of all the things I want to say along the way there, only to clam up and decide it can wait for another time because why not just have another casual fun night hanging out and save the real shit for later? Or maybe I tell myself that I won't contact someone anymore, but after that glass of wine texting sounds like a grand idea that I won't later regret.

I hate that I start thinking about all the ways my life has not gone right around the new year. I know I have it better than a lot of people in the world. This isn't about being able to take care of myself. Sure I am bad at buying new contacts and I have a temporary crown in a tooth that has been in way too long, but I can also afford my cost of living, go out occasionally, feed my cat and myself, etc. This is more about how I see myself repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

I'm impatient for everything to happen, but I'm also easily excitable and my mind loves to live in Futureland. In order for things to actually shift I need to realize that Futureland will be full of cat fur, wine nights, and me writing on this blog for the rest of my days lamenting about the younger me that just let day to day life happen to her... I'm almost going on two years on this site and if I do it for three I think all of you will get terribly sick of my Why Me? posts. I know I play a large part in what happens to me. It's just easy to realize when you are the problem and hard to figure out how to solve it, permanently. The easiest thing to do is write about it. Then promptly forget about my woes until the next time I feel the urge to unload on the internets.

I'm giving myself a countdown clock. My resolution is to not be writing poor lonely single lady woes here in the year 2013. Which means.... I will feel no shame in doing just that for the NEXT YEAR of my life. You have been warned.

Repeat After Me

2011-11-08T22:55:00.000-08:00

Mantra courtesy of He's Just Not That Into You.

No answer is your answer. No answer is your answer.

How true, and yet...

... how completely unsatisfying.

2011-10-11T23:24:00.000-07:00

I have some of the best nights hanging out with myself. Like right now as I am still dressed up from a date, drinking wine, and yelling at posts I hate on FB.

Wine Quote of the Night

2011-10-11T22:56:00.000-07:00

Give me a man who looks like Sam Rockwell, with the voice of Van Morrison, the personality of Gilbert Blythe and I will be forever content.

F'n Hollywood

2011-09-12T23:49:00.000-07:00

You know what I hate about romcoms? I hate how the guy the girl is meant to be with is the one that pushes her away time and time again because he feels he can't be the guy for her. It's like the girl has no say in the matter until he decides, way too late by the way, that no(!) she is the one for him and he's finally figured it out and she should all of a sudden dump the one that wanted to be with her from the start.

It's like the complete opposite of the tortoise and the hare story. The hare sweeps in at the last moment to take what he wants, when he wants it.

If At First You Don't Succeed Move the F On.

2011-08-29T23:19:00.000-07:00

Last week I found myself thinking about how difficult attempting to date someone can be. I tend to have a chunk of time free between serious relationships where I either fast, go on a series of horrendous first dates, or get pulled into the orbit of someone I find myself really into, but they don't feel the same.

During these periods I wonder how I ever was able to get into a relationship. Suddenly the lightbulb lit up (in warm and flattering 2700K temperature btw). I looked back on my relationships. With the exception of one all of them just sort of happened. When both parties are into each other and genuinely want to get to know one another better then no games are played or needed. No fretting about whether it's his turn to contact you. No holding yourself back from texting that mundane story so as to act all casual like. Or wondering if you should act cool and aloof. No, when it's right all insecurities tend to melt away in the beginning.

I won't get into detail here, but I finally came to terms with the fact that I can't force someone to like me. Yes, I knew this small, yet very important detail all my life, but it's still a hard lesson to learn when you think you found someone that gets you and makes your stomach flutter about in excitement.

More than anything I have to remember that words alone don't hold value. No one (be they male or female) wants to be brutally honest and tell someone that it's just never going to pan out. Instead they go for the fade out... I've fallen victim twice this summer and no more! I have a weakness of daydreaming about a possible future with most any guy I am into. I'm not some freak, I honestly can't help thinking of the potential what ifs of the men I like.

Overall I am more than okay with the ghost town of a phone I have these days which means deep down I knew both opportunities were fleeting. I need to remember that some men are meant to be in your life for years and some only for a fleeting reconnection. When it's meant to be I won't feel the need to lay out every detail to my close friends for their interpretation. I won't have to sit, staring at this phone in my hands wondering how to sound fun and vaguely interested, but not desperate. I have to keep the faith that it has worked out in the past and it will again in the future.

Channeling My Inner 9-yr Old Self.

2011-08-22T23:08:00.000-07:00

I just played a game of MASH online. Good news is I get my vintage 2002 model BMW in a burnt orange and I marry Mystery Man #2. Bad news is my future hubby is either sterile or I meet him after I'm past my baby making prime.

Tick-Tock Tick-Tock

2011-08-05T23:09:00.000-07:00

I've been 30 for 5 months now. For the most part 30 feels young and has treated me no different than 29 until very recently. From time to time I've gotten the marriage question. Not THE marriage question, but the one where people ask if I've ever been or am married. It used to be that when I answered no people would respond with a, "well you're young." I guess it's expected in your 20's, but all of a sudden the response to my answer is, "well, why not?"

Why not? Umm... well because it takes two for an engagement and eventual marriage. I never made a conscious life decision not to marry. It's not like I've turned down proposals all my adult dating life. My experience with proposals is from dudes who like to hang out on the streets all day long and probably ask any cute lady that walks down them. I have had exactly one boyfriend tell me he wanted to marry me someday, but that an engagement that does not make.

When I was little I never dreamt of my wedding day. I knew I wanted to marry and start creating a family of my own, but I just assumed all would magically fall into place one day in my twenties. As my twenties came and went I was fine with it not happening to me yet. The older you get the younger you realize 25, then 28, and then 30 really are. I take full advantage of the 24/7 me time my life consists of. My only responsibilities are to my work and my cat. Other than that I am free to do whatever whenever.

I'm not lamenting about what never materialized from my childhood assumptions, but when I am asked about kids and marriage I realize that it won't just magically happen and there is a possibility I may never experience either. Then I think about how I am 30 at square one and it starts stressing me out a bit more. What snaps me out of this horrid universe of ticking clocks is the fact that I want to create a family that I enjoy with a man that I am in love with and adore.

I will not settle and I will do my best to keep my blood pressure from rising when this question is broached. So I will continue to hit the snooze button until the moment is right whereupon the mystery man of my dreams and I unexpectedly elope and have lots of babies. Until then my answer to the why aren't you married question will be, "I have yet to visit Vegas."

With Every New Social Networking Site the Task Grows More Difficult.

2011-07-22T00:09:00.000-07:00

It is so hard in this age to rid yourself of men who will never be who you want them to be for you. Over a year ago I cleansed certain men from my phone, FB, twitter, and gmail. Now, thanks to Google+ I recently got added by one such guy.

Of course it means nothing. I'm sure I simply popped up in his list of people to add because I'm one of his email contacts. He had no reason to cleanse me from his contacts since I was the one who was hung up on the idea of him, us.

I was happy to see his name appear as a "friend" wanting to add me to his circle. Immediately afterward, I realized that I'm really over him. I rarely think of him. When I do it's more a curiosity in what his life is like now, but I'm no longer pining over something that never was and never would be.

Downside to Singledom

2011-07-19T23:24:00.001-07:00

It's not loneliness. It's not wondering if I'll ever be with someone with whom I can create a family of my own with. What can be a downside to being single is that all of a sudden men think you are up for grabs.

Well I'm not. I may not be in a relationship, but I'm not some prize at a carnival either.

Things in Life I am in Love With

2011-07-13T23:27:00.000-07:00

My perfect little black furball Nole who is currently curled up on my lap purring away.
Rose. The perfect summer wine that could only be more perfect sipping in the sun on a beach or on a grassy knoll at the park.
DeVotchka. I have loved them for years. I don't know if it's because I can relate to a lot more of their lyrics now that I'm single, but I can't get enough of their songs and albums I've already listened to hundreds of times.
Me time. No longer do I feel guilty about working late hours. No longer do I stress over trying to be there for everyone, myself, and my cat.
Possibilities. The favorite pastime for this Piscean. Possibilities of new futures, new surroundings, and new experiences.

Manfasting Tip of the (late) Evening

2011-07-13T22:57:00.000-07:00

Finding yourself unable to resist going to a certain person's profile to snoop around and see what's new? Or do you wake the next morning to groan aloud when you remember who you texted that you told yourself you wouldn't?

Well.... delete that shit! Unfriend, unfollow, block, delete contacts and you help delete the temptation. It will help tremendously. Whenever I've doled out that one piece of advice that truly helped me, back in the Great Manfast of 2010, no one ever wants to try it out, but it really does work. How the hell is one expected to get over someone that didn't work out if there is a constant daily reminder of them?

If even temporarily do it for your own sanity and self respect. Finding it hard? Try to remember that there was a time when you didn't even know this person existed. Somehow you made it through okay up until now so you should know better than to feel like you need this person. You don't need anyone who doesn't appreciate what they walked away from.

Too Many Fish in the Sea

2011-07-11T23:02:00.000-07:00

There are certain things I only do in the comfort of my own privacy. One of them is listening to Motown girl groups. Sure I can listen to this music around others, but it only truly speaks to me when I find myself in my apartment late at night. I'm not sure I could ever show a potential mate this side of me. Partly due to the nature of these songs. They are all about finding someone to be with or they're about being strong and not settling for just anyone or any situation.

What gets to me is that so many of these lyrics are familiar stories to either me personally or to a friend. The fact that some scenarios get played over and over again so much that popular songs are written, performed,recorded and bought by millions resonates with me. Take a section of this Marvelettes song, "Too Many Fish in the Sea," for instance. It's all about how heartache is a part of our lives and that we shouldn't get all hung up on someone that isn't interested back. Doing that will only make you unavailable for someone that may be the one for you.

Don't waste your time on a fella

Who doesn't love you

He'll only mislead you

Only grieve you

Don't worry about him

Do without him

Because there's too many fish in the sea

Too many fish in the sea

I said, there's short ones, tall ones, fine ones, kind ones

Too many fish in the sea

Well, if the fish isn't on your line

Bait your hook and keep on trying

Don't let him get you down

There's other boys around

Because there's too many fish in the sea

Too many fish in the sea

I said, there's short ones, tall ones, fine ones, kind ones

Too many fish in the sea

I don't want nobody that don't want me

'Cause there's too many fish in the sea

Ain't gonna love nobody that don't love me, now

'Cause there's too many fish in the sea

This is a hard lesson for both women and men to learn. Many of us have loved someone who did not love us back. We also may have had the opposite where someone was completely into us and we didn't feel the same. Or perhaps there is someone who is barely trying, but keeps reeling you in at the last moment. You have to be strong enough to walk away from what doesn't work, something that you've had to settle for, something that you aren't confident in. You have to walk away from this because you are worth it and you will find someone else because... well... there are plenty other fish in the sea.

My Poker Face

2011-06-28T22:42:00.000-07:00

I know that the game is mentioned while dating. Some people hate playing the game and I just now realized that the game in mention is pretty much poker. No wonder men play it better than women generally speaking. Us females tend to go all in hoping for an epic outcome not unlike that of a major upset, but generally we fall on our asses wondering how we got it so wrong. Is it any wonder that romantic comedies ring more true to females just like underdog sport movies do for men? I think not.

It's one thing to be private with one's feelings, but when you find yourself around a man who is purposely try to win a hand (aka: you) just for the hell of it then you need to reconsider if what you want from a man is someone playing to win a pot that they would just as soon gamble away the next night.

30 and Single, but...

2011-06-27T23:11:00.000-07:00

I have this little furball to come home to. The only man I can't get rid of. Plus, like I told a co-worker today, every office needs a single cat lady.

The One That Got Away

2011-06-15T23:35:00.000-07:00

A myth that has plagued the female gender for centuries. The guy that you find yourself thinking about constantly. The guy that made you feel your life would suddenly never be completely happy again without him in it.

This guy is not the one. He is not the one that got away. He didn't just slip away by accident. If someone chooses not to partake in the awesomeness that is your life why should you waste your emotional time lamenting over what might have been?

Chances are this guy is someone who ran before you got a chance to know the real him. It's always easy to pine over someone that you only know the surface of. When finding yourself agonizing over "the one" just remember how you survived your whole life before they were ever part of it.

2011-06-05T18:45:00.000-07:00

I'm single because I was born that way.

~Mae West

BAM!

2011-05-30T17:17:00.000-07:00

It may have taken 2-1/2 days to finally sync in, but the watching An Affair to Remember mode has begun. Most likely followed by some Anne of Green Gables action with the ever charming Gilbert Blythe.

Ugh...

Luckily I am in the right mindset for watching The Bachelorette tonight.

My 11 Month Vacation From Singledom

2011-05-30T11:50:00.000-07:00

Nothing like gushy feelings of love to keep a girl from writing. A close friend called me this morning to see how I was doing and she mentioned that I sounded good. I am good. Sure it hurts to end a relationship. It's the most awkward experience for me as it happens so swiftly and usually with utter lack of grace. How all that time together can break away like nothing...

Even though I feel sadness mixed together with numbness I know that I will find someone else someday, BUT I don't need someone. I like to think that my manfast last year has helped me realize this important detail. Considering how my weekend started it ended up being a good one that reminded me I can be a fun person, people do like me for who I am, and I have some pretty caring and awesome friends that show their concern for me.

While I won't be going on an official manfast this time around I will be careful to avoid slumming it with just anyone in order to get a temporary attention fix. Been there, done that. This time around I will respect myself. I like to think that the manfast last year has helped put me in this healthy state post breakup. Also, what better excuse than, "I'm manfasting," to keep the fellas who just want some action away?

90 Day Review?

2010-10-12T19:02:00.000-07:00

Most works have them while nil to none relationships do. I assisted my boyfriend with a school assignment where I had to evaluate how good of a listener he is. About halfway through the survey I saw how drastically different my answers would have been in regards to certain past loves. Certain probing questions that would have alerted me to the fact that we weren't compatible personality wise.

Perhaps if I had evaluated some past guys with this type of survey I could have saved much potential heartache. The largest complaint my friends (and I) have of guys they are dating is their listening skills. Most often this flaw is downplayed when it's actually the foundation of a healthy relationship. Dating someone who isn't respectful towards you when you speak is probably not the one to stay with long term. Well... you could stay with them, but chances are you won't be happy and will be wanting something more. I know I did.

The Grandma Method

2010-08-02T20:54:00.000-07:00

When I've been hung up on a guy I sometimes try to put everything in perspective by imagining myself as a an old lady reflecting on her past. Chances are the guy that dumped me after 3 months will cease to be nothing more than a momentary distraction morphed into a vague recollection.

The Grandma method is achieved through the following steps:

1. Gather a few mementos of that one guy you find yourself brooding over.

2. Store said mementos in a box where papers, letters, and photos are stored from your past.

3. Only reach for this box if you are wishing to look through all the contents to take a brief trip into your younger self. Do not reach for it for the sole intention of reading or looking at memories of the guy.

Tip: If you try this and believe that this one is different. This one is for you, then do yourself a favor and read through some old letters or photos of past loves. Chances are the letters you once cherished by the love of your life have no effect on your emotional state today.

What I've Learned by Watching Trash TV

2010-07-06T22:09:00.001-07:00

As many of you know, I've been keeping up with this season of The Bachelorette. Sure it's a lighthearted (heavily edited) cheap thrill, but I've become aware of some differences between the sexes when not engaged in the hands-over-eyes-because-it's-so-embarrassing-I-want-to-curl-up-into-a-ball moments.

#1. Women have a much harder time holding back their feelings than guys do. I've watched both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and women (for the most part) let it be known through body language when something is amiss. Guys appear to have an easier time wooing someone that they're not really into. I totally wear my heart on my sleeve (no, not on my wrist with a shield) when I am into a guy. If I'm not really feeling it I tend to hold back and become a bit cold.

Now some guys don't do the above, but (for the most part) it seems that men have a fa easier time masking their true intentions than women. Not to say men are evil. Far from it. I love you men out there. It's just that time and again we females get burnt by your declarations of adoration towards us which tends to end in your phone *ahem* breaking. Proceed with caution is all I can say. Manfasting has definitely helped me to not become head over heels, but it's quite easy to become enraptured before you truly know someone. So again; proceed with a blend of cautious optimism.

#2. I deserve to be loved. The current Bachelorette is a cute girl. She seems like she has her shit together and would have no trouble landing a guy. Only she doesn't realize how attractive and awesome she is. Who knows? She might be a total bitch off camera, but I feel like I am made aware (thanks to the editors no doubt) of her insecurities. Instead of auditioning the guys for a potential husband it appears that she feels she isn't good enough for at least two of them, maybe more.

Everyone has their flaws. Most of us don't realize how great we are. If we then we'd never find anyone as good as ourselves. Even if you don't feel that you deserve the attention a potential suitor is lavishing upon remind yourself that (unless you have a secret hobby of kicking puppies or bums) you do deserve to have someone think the world of you. It's okay as long as you think the world of them back.

And that's what The Bachelorette has taught me this week. To be more exact, this is what Kirk (potential husband out of 4) has taught me this week. That I (and all the manfaster, womanfasters, ex-fasters) deserve the best for us. Let's not shortchange ourselves.