You can also read a transcription of the video at Dmitri’s website: Live the Life You Long For

As a 1-on-1 coach, workshop leader, and writer, I help people care for their hearts so they are able to take the daily, excellent actions that move them toward the life they long for. You can read more about Dmitri Bilgere and follow his blog at: Live The Life You Long For

Ravenspen

Here is the piece: Watching Them Watch Me

Alain Hunkins leads personal and professional development trainings for individuals, teams and organizations. He is a certified Leadership Challenge & MBTI facilitator, as well as a certified co-leader for ManKind Project International. Alain completed the New Warrior Training Adventure in 1995.

Scything wheat, hammering a nail, splitting wood, sledding downhill, surfing a wave, performing a summersault, playing the piano–all of these have something in common: working with momentum. Momentum: mass in motion aiming to remain in motion. In the broader sense, we might say it’s whatever already has life or energy. When we tap that energy we expend less of our own. In exchange, we give up some control–or so it seems.

Ever watch someone new to wielding a hammer? Typically they choke up on the handle, which gives them more control and costs them more effort. Not letting the head swing freely and do the work for them, they have to employ more muscle to drive the nail home. Often “control”–of the type I mean–requires two things: exerting unnecessary effort and forfeiting the benefits of momentum.

My personal mantra for 2012 is more momentum, less effort. I’m wanting more trust and less “control,” more swing and less struggle, more grace and less death-grip in my life. I want to be more like a compact fluorescent bulb: putting out the same light with less unnecessary heat while requiring a lot less energy. (Did you know that, at 5% of the world population, the US consumes 20% of the world’s energy[1]–and “burns” that energy at about a 42% efficiency rate?)[2]

Shedding Effort, Building Trust

Sometime last year I watched the movie, The Pianist, and was astonished by the last few minutes of the film, where the frame zoomed in on the hands of the pianist performing the final movement of a concerto. Though the piece was technically strenuous, if not grueling, there was–and this is what stunned me–an utter absence of tension in the hands of the player. He could have been cooling his fingers in lake water on a hot summer day. I turned off the movie and went to the piano, myself, to explore just how much effort and tension I might winnow from my playing–even (or especially) during the most difficult passages.

Trusting momentum, like letting the hammer swing, is an act of surrender. It’s risky: I could miss the nail and whack my thumb. How exhilarating, though, to sink a 16-penny nail in four strokes, feeling all that unimpeded momentum pouring into the head. A dance teacher (of a form of postmodern dance I practice called Contact Improvisation) once said to me, “Use ten percent of the effort you’ve been using.” This was profoundly accurate and helpful advice–both on and off the dance floor. Effort often strangles momentum. Momentum demands trust. Trust that I will know what to do and be able to do it if I let momentum move me. If I “lose my balance” will I know how to land with grace? Will I hurt myself or someone else?

Receiving Grace

A Taoist story depicts a master’s body snaking down a white water river, just allowing the currents to take him, never hitting a rock. Going with the flow. The recovering perfectionist in me knows all-too-well how to choke up on life and peck away–and how unfulfilling that is. The pianist knows how deeply thrilling it is to play without a trace of unnecessary effort–with lightness, grace, speed and limitless energy. Not to mention the beauty. Control deadens what’s most alive. Playing with surrender allows me to enter the arc of a phrase, to hear the notes that want to sing out, to savor the beauty of the note, itself.

I want that in my life: more beauty, more deep thrill, more being moved. More momentum, less effort.

Genius In Our Midst

I sense wider applications. In the realm of leadership development, effort is “training” leaders with books, manuals, DVDs and a day or
more of instruction in skills HR has determined they need.
Momentum is giving leaders a chance to talk to one another about what matters to them, then using that shared information as the basis of their own self-designed leadership practices–and using the deepened relationships as the basis of ongoing peer support.

Sharing “best practices” is a kind of momentum–adapting the success of another instead of reinventing the wheel. Biomimicry is a discipline that seeks to learn from nature’s best practices. For example, learning that it may be possible to design bio-batteries to power implants like artificial retinas by studying how an Amazonian eel is able to produce 600 volts instantly.[3] Or Mercedes-Benz being mentored by the coral reef box fish in their design concept for a new automobile with an extremely low-friction shape and surface.[4]

To listen and learn in this way we may need to let fall away “the entrancement of the last 350 years of western science, where somehow we convinced ourselves that we’re the only one with the answers; “and go outside and realize that we’re surrounded by genius.”[5] Genius–whether in our guts, our groups or what’s growing around us–is a kind of momentum. Recognizing it is the first step to harnessing it.

Wind in the Sail, Tiller in Hand

To come back to the idea of control, I’m not saying give up all control and let the winds take you where they may; I’m saying notice how and where there is already energy moving that you could use, and before you rev your engine try adjusting the sails. One can sail north in a westerly wind–using both tiller and sail, provided with a deep enough keel.

[1] World Population Balance Population and Energy Consumption web page
[2] Lawrence Livermore estimated US energy use, 2009
[3] Piece Audio: Biomimicry by Sarah Lilley
[4]Janine Benyus on Biomimicry in Design, Treehugger Radio, 12/13/2009
[5] Ibid

About Joseph-I am a counselor, workshop facilitator, leadership consultant and life coach in private practice in the Pioneer Valley of western Massachusetts and I love my work! Learn more about me and my work at: http://joseph-dicenso.com

What does Gold look like to you?
Once upon a routine phone call….

An easy place to feel isolated.

Last night I called my Internet host service for email assistance (a slow connection)

A polite young man answered who, after some time asked the nature of my business.

I talked about men’s work and support.
“Isn’t that what bars are for?” he said … a glib, and not unexpected, response.

“Nothing wrong with that,” I said, “it’s just … where do men go, not to be shamed, laughed at, held up, so they can talk about what they dare not talk about in a bar?”

Long … Long Silence.

“What’s going on?” I said … Long uncomfortable silence.

“I’m listening to you sir,” he said.

I spoke of living a mission … of standing tall … on the inside, when Job, and Primary relationships are shaken.

Again Long … Long … Silence.

“I’ve hit on something real haven’t I?” I said.

“Yes sir, you have!” he said.

A few honest statements of men trusting men and … I waited
Then said …
“You need to talk?” … Off line! … Not at work!

“Yes sir,” he said, in a soft tone.

“You have my info,” I said, “contact me.”

“You helped me already sir,” he said.

“You got a change in your thinking … not your in direction,” I said.

Another silence
“Yes … sir.” he said

“Take down my personal cell phone, it’s in your court now … contact me.”

“But I live in all the way out in Arizona.”

“We have centers all over the country where we do men’s weekends,” I said.

[I will help you my friend]

“Yes sir,” he said, “thank you sir.”

It was so beautiful. What hunger is there in this world for what we do, who we are, what we have.
Offer men the opportunity to connect … with YOU!

Make a routine phone call, you have Gold to share

In service to all ManKind
Glenn Barker

Glenn Barker is the Center Director of the ManKind Project in Chicago. He completed the New Warrior Training Adventure in 2009. As Glenn is saying on every email: “Twelve in Twelve; this year make it your goal to introduce 12 men to the ManKind Project in 2012″.

The men over fifty in the ManKind Project are our elders. But, do we accept them as elders or do we expect them first to declare? We define a declared elder as an elder who has self chosen to serve by declaring himself an elder of and in his community. Many MKP men expect an elder to declare himself. Have you considered, however, what the status of an elder is in your view if he has not declared? More, do you have any way of determining if a man has declared? We expect men who wish to become Ritual Elders In Training (RET) to be declared elders. Most of us expect the lead elders of each center to be declared and yet do we ever ask them if they are? Do any of us feel it is reasonable to ask?

In older cultures such as the Native American culture men and women become elders and take their place on elder boards or sit in elder circles. It is very common for these older, respected Native American elders never to declare themselves an elder. They accept the call to elderhood but don’t define themselves this way.

Who is responsible for defining someone an elder? Ask yourself who some of the people are in your life that have been elder like. What qualities led you to define these older people as your elders? It was probably not age alone. Unlike older cultures, the American is less enamored with age and more impressed by personal presence. In South Africa, Australia or New Zealand it is more likely that people reach the status of elder by age alone. Many of the less industrialized cultures embrace people as elders by age alone.

If you agree that in North America we are less inclined to celebrate all older people as elders then what is it about the elders in your life that qualifies them? I suggest that our elders are accessible, in service, less biased toward others, spiritual, connected to family and wise. Admittedly these are our judgments about our elders. This is how we see them. So, the process of becoming an elder is about being seen as an elder by others, by those we serve, by those who feel we have elder qualities.

Consider how MKP declared elders are seen by people who know them but who are not initiated. What would happen if our children, grandchildren, members of our church, people we work with or neighbors learned that we had declared ourselves an elder? What if some of these people did not see us as elders? What would it mean to those people that we called ourselves an elder? In my book, The Elder Within, I wrote a long section on an elder ritual. My intention was to suggest that we might call together the people who are special to us and organize a ceremony that allows a person to celebrate his elderhood. I wrote that in 2001. Today, I am less certain that an elder ceremony would do much to move me closer to elder role of status. Many of those I would invite to this ceremony would probably call me an elder if they used this term at all. But, not all of them would. What is the benefit of declaring myself an elder if those who hear my declaration disagree?

The elders of MKP have come up with a process called the Elder Journey. It is a seven stage process that can facilitate a man’s movement into elder expression. Would it make more sense for us as MKP elders to declare that “we are on the elder journey”? Given that our growth into elderhood is dynamic and ever changing, do we ever get to a place where we finally become an elder? It is clear to me that I have become more elder like over the years. I have healed some, grown up some, become more patient and less angry. I am more interested in service, in being a resource to my family, of being a source of blessing. If my brothers who be willing to accept that I am on the elder journey, maybe I never need to declare myself an elder.

Terry was initiated in Washington, 1996. He is now active in the planning for a seven module reflection series that assists older MKP men in making the Elder Journey. Terry is the author of “The Elder Within: Source of Mature Maculinity.” He is father to six, grandfather to six, a counselor, mediator, spiritual director and educator.

Depression is one of the greatest of human tragedies. Often dismissed, trivialized and misunderstood, a cloud of pain in the mind of someone in the grip of depression is no less overwhelming than an acute physical discomfort is to an injured individual. Depression has wreaked whole lives, making its victims unhappy, unproductive, miserable and even suicidal. It has profound negative effects on the friends and family of someone who is suffering from depression. It is also terribly misunderstood.

So it is exciting to hear that a recent study performed in the UK is working on helping people cope with this grave condition.

Recognizing that “People suffering from depression have a tendency towards unhelpful abstract thinking and over-general negative thoughts, such as viewing a single mistake as evidence that they are useless at everything”, the authors of the study, which was conducted at the University of Exeter, developed a technique they are calling Concreteness Training (CNT) in the hope that by using CNT practice exercises, this tendency can be shifted directly by the depression sufferers themselves.

The technique is based on teaching individuals to keep their difficulties in perspective by reflecting more specifically on the set of problems arising in the episode of depression. It is thought this method will improve problem solving and reduce worry and brooding tendencies.

Study participants took on a daily exercise, focusing on a recent upsetting event. Using first a therapist and then an audio CD with guided instructions, they worked through a set of steps to examine the event and see how they might have been able to influence the outcome, rather than just accept the results.

“CNT significantly reduced symptoms of depression and anxiety, on average reducing symptoms from severe depression to mild depression during the first two months and maintaining this effect over the following three and six months. On average, those individuals who simply continued with their usual treatment remained severely depressed.”

As Professor Edward Watkins of the University of Exeter notes: “This is the first demonstration that just targeting thinking style can be an effective means of tackling depression. Concreteness training can be delivered with minimal face-to-face contact with a therapist and training could be accessed online, through CDs or through smartphone apps. This has the advantage of making it a relatively cheap form of treatment that could be accessed by large numbers of people. This is a major priority in depression treatment and research, because of the high prevalence and global burden of depression, for which we need widely available cost-effective interventions.”

Depression adversely affects many people on a regular basis, and probably the majority of human beings at some point in their lives. It is an issue of men’s health in particular that is underplayed in a world where “guys are supposed to tough it out”. This dismissive denial has cost parents their sons, children their fathers and siblings their brothers. It has given friends tragic pain and loss, and cost the world the very lives of some men at the height of their creative and productive power.

As men affirming the physical and mental health of each other, we take the issue of depression very seriously, and are heartened by any new and promising approach to healing this age old scourge of the human mind.

The Penn State story has been a constant headline in my local paper. I live in eastern Pennsylvania, so this coverage is certainly not unexpected. Often times, I cannot read all the details of the alleged events that took place in “Happy Valley.” My heart goes out to those boys, because if true, many were selected and groomed as victims due to their socioeconomic status.

I attended college not far from Penn Sate. I loved the bucolic countryside, the friendly people, and the slowness of life that seems to come with distance. Like most small towns, there is not much that happens on one side of the street that the other does not know about, even in State College, the home of Penn State. I find it hard to imagine that this was news to many who lived in the area – particularly those involved with both the football program and charity with which this man participated.

At some point the question must be asked, “Where were the adult men and women in the lives of these boys?” The answer that comes to mind is absent or hiding, or just not there. On further reflection, I ask, “To whom or what did they give away their power, their obligation, to protect our most important and vulnerable asset, our children?” If the stories are true, this man was a serial and sinister sexual predator wrapped in the protective blanket of the “program.”

In the case of Penn State the program was college football, but in a more general sense, the “program” can be any organization or idea to which one surrenders their voice.

Over the past year MKP USA has developed a membership program. The goal, like many other non-profit organizations, is to enroll and invite members to help support their mission. I believe in the MKP mission of creating a safer world by growing better men. We’ve been supporting men to become the best of who they are for over 25 years, and we have impacted hundreds of thousands of men, women and children. MKP USA directly serves nearly 7000 men across the USA every week, providing a safe and challenging environment to confront the tough issues and find new tools for success.

We need men standing up for children and not remaining silent when bad things happen. I know that I have learned a lot about how to stand up for myself and those I love doing this work, and I see a lot of men around me doing the same.

When I see a man find his voice on a New Warrior Training Adventure, I have hope in my heart. When I see a man and his family so utterly connected at a homecoming celebration, I have tears of joy in my eyes. When I see a man remember who he really is and why he is here, I am humbled and speechless.

I am a member of MKP USA for all these reasons and more. I’m not expecting anything in return as a member. I am a member because I believe the world needs the work we do. As I continue to read about all the silent suffering throughout the world today, I long for empowered adults who when witnessing or encountering such events will stand and exclaim, “No! Not today. Not on my watch.” I believe this is happening right now because MKP-USA has invited each man to peal back the blanket of lies and illusions that may have kept him quiet.

My invitation is to join me in supporting this noble mission. I ask that you, as a powerful man, stand with me and plant your flag in the ground and become a member. Your voice is welcome. Our grandsons are waiting, our granddaughters are watching.

Doug Eadline
Still Dancing Lion
Philadelphia, PA

Shaman walks into the circle of Initiaties. Staff circle is around inner circle of men doing the training. Shaman walks into the inner circle with a large Canadian goose wing, a bundle of white sage tied with red ribbon and burning sage in his left hand. He quickly smudges the heart chakra area of the new men in a sweeping motion, while making intense, close eye contact with each man as he moves quickly around the circle.

There is silence. Some men are crying.

“Men, my brothers, this is the moment you have waited your whole life for. This is the moment you will choose to take the longest stride of soul you ever took. You will do it now to heal yourself. Amen.

Dark and cold we may be. But this is no winter now. The frozen misery and pain of centuries, cracks, breaks, begins to thaw. The thunder is the thunder of the floes, the flood, the Upstart Spring!

Thank God our time is now when Wrong comes up to meet us everywhere.

Thank God our time is now, when Wrong comes up to meet our everywhere, until we take the longest stride of Soul men ever took. Affairs are now soul sized. Our enterprise is exploration into the human heart. Where are you making for? Where are you making for? It takes so many, many years to Wake.

But will you wake for Pity’s Sake?
But will you wake for Pity’s Sake?

Men, my brothers, you have spent your whole life in the Wasteland. Generations of men, our fathers, grandfathers and great grandfathers have lived their entire lives and died in the Wasteland.

Mircae Eliade, the great Romanian mythologist described the multi generational plight of men and hear him well:

‘ The single great affliction to ever befall the human spirit was the Fall into Modernity.’

Yes, brothers, the fall into modernity. When we left the land and lost our sacred connection to the movements of the sun and moon and stars. When we forgot the magic of the milky breath of the great buffalo on the High Plains of the West. When we humans left the land, and moved to the great urban centers, we lost our connection to our extended families, we lost the elders, we lost the ability of our sons and daughters to be mentored by the red tailed hawk, the raccoon, the bear, and the squirrel.

Our loss is catastrophic. Make no mistake. We are deeply wounded men.

Fifty Thousand men across the world have spilled their guts on this magic carpet before you. Spilled their guts to “win back” their life personally, and to “win back” what we have lost over hundreds and hundreds of years in the wasteland of post modern “civilization”.

Who are these men? They are men of Valor and Undaunted Courage. Men of all races and ages. Former WW II submarine commanders, Marine Platoon leaders from the fields and mountains of Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan, movie stars, sports figures, dads and grand dads. Men who have been raped and sodomized. Men who have been tortured by older brothers or priests or clergy. Men who have killed other human beings to protect our nation. Young men who came to this as a court mandated training rather than go to prison and get raped by other men and to avoid becoming career criminals.

Our circle is vast. We are straight, gay, bisexual and transgendered men. Men dying of bone cancer and protate cancer. The men who have spilled their guts on this magic carpet are men who have done remarkable things and we expect no less of you.

There is no cheap grace here. You go deep and you get to the key piece that is choking your life force.

Repeat after me. “I will go deep.” “And I will get the piece that is choking my life force!”

As General Patton said to his troops before the most epic battle of their lives: “The American people love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. This is why we have never lost a war. Now today, all of you proud sons of America will be victorious. You shall prevail”.

Every staff man here has done his Guts Work and is here to help you and be your champion. Remember, brothers, Fifty thousand men have stepped through the Gates of Hell and taken on their own deepest shadows.

Men, this is the moment of the Hero’s Journey.

And each one of you will be your own champion and Hero today.

“The road ahead is well marked by the millions of men who’ve gone before you.”
All you have to do then is to follow the thread of the Hero’s Journey.

Now men, Listen to Joseph Campbell’s rich wisdom here.

“Where you had thought to slay another, you shall slay only yourself. And where you had thought to be alone, you shall find yourself one with all the world.”

As I said when we circled up, you have waited your whole life for this moment. This is perhaps the key process, the key event for you of this weekend Adventure. Be here. Be now. Be present. The Now is Everything. The Now is all there is.

Take three deep breaths. Drums!! And the first man on the carpet is …………?

Dedicated with profound respect to all the valiant
deceased brothers of The Mankind Project

— An Elder Brother on the Way

The human mind, is, above all else, a storytelling mechanism. Because of this, many people retreat into story when the world of objective facts overwhelms them. They want to perceive reality in a way that makes sense to them. Rather than insisting on dividing story from fact, one novel concept is to use story to present facts, providing real information in a comforting context. This approach has been used by Dr. Zachary Meisel and Dr. Jason Karlawish of the Perelman School of Medicine at the University of Pennsylvania.

In an article published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, the two professors argue that “scientists should be telling narratives to explain their findings—stories with a beginning, middle and end—rather than simply relating data.” As physicians, the two men regularly use this narrative technique to connect with patients about their illnesses. Meisel and Karlawish reason that if patients can link up personal experience with scientific data, they are in a better position to “put the information in context, and act on it” However, the doctors also see a larger application. Stories that help people engage in wise choices are also “a necessary weapon against stories that encourage bad decisions.”

Recent celebrity-led campaigns that claim vaccines cause autism have resulted in a “noticeable effect on childhood vaccination rates”, resulting in new outbreaks of a once all but eradicated childhood ailment. To counteract this, scientists have relied on pointing out flaws in Anti-vaccine “studies” and relating the data to population statistics as a whole.

But this approach is no match for emotional sob stories about parents who claim to have noticed autistic behaviors in their children shortly after receiving vaccination. To counteract this approach, Doctors Meisel and Karlawish suggest that their colleagues should use stories of their own, pointing out the suffering and danger children can encounter by NOT being vaccinated against measles. This personal approach, through the medium of story, is one which people unable to relate to scientific and medical data can put in a context which makes sense to them.

The human mind loves to tell stories. Using stories to explain how the world really works, complex counter-intuitive facts and reality can be framed in a way which makes sense to some people who find themselves otherwise overwhelmed by data they find too cold and unfamiliar to contemplate.

This may yet be the most effective way of resolving multiple conflicts in areas of popular misperceptions around issues like evolution, global warming, and even certain socioeconomic fallacies.

If humans need stories as a way of encountering truth, then let us find them the stories they need.

Erik Erikson – Developmental Psychoanalyst

But as we reflect on our past, some of us may become bitter, regretful and despair at what we accomplished or failed to accomplish within our lifetime.

I’m contrasting these words about one’s intention in older age with my experience as a Hospice Volunteer Visitor.
I’m also, of course, listening to these words about intention in older age with my 66 year old ears thinking about them with my 66 year old brain.

As Forrest Carver points out, people are three times more likely to live past 90 than a generation ago, and I’m sure that is true.

My wife Ruth and I now care for her 94 year old dad, a man who is physically well but has major memory limitations. We go to church with a 100 year old guy who only recently stopped being able to be in church regularly. Our church community includes a dozen or so folks who live in a very nice assisted living center. They are all in their late 80′s and historically were the core of the church we joined 20 years ago. So we are in touch with 90 year olds on a regular basis.

Ruth and I currently are jointly responsible visitors for a 94 year old hospice client who has kidney failure but has elected to not get started with kidney dialysis. This decision means she will probably die in the next four or five months. She has lived in an assisted living apartment for the past 12 years. During that time she has lost most of her sight and a lot of her hearing, has developed significant arthritis and congestive heart failure. About the only thing that works well for her right now is her mind. She is really quite together and able, I suppose, to think about her life, her accomplishments and disappointments pretty clearly. But her options in terms of future plans are pretty sharply curtailed.

She is surrounded by folks who are much less together mentally than she is. She confides that the three other women who sit with her in the communal dining room say exactly the same thing at every meal. She has learned to nod and pretend to listen while she has thoughts of her own – and that works well since her hearing is so bad that she really can’t listen very well anyway. Maybe these women were able to review their histories and accomplishments and consider their future when they were in their 60′s and 70′s.

I experience that we need yet some other kind of way to talk about the lives of those in their 90′s. They are not planning the future. They are living in spite of. In spite of having lost a spouse (sometimes like our client having lost a spouse three decades ago) in spite of multiple medical problems, in spite of having been “retired” for more years than they actually worked during their whole career, in spite of no longer having a house or neighborhood that they identify as “my turf” , and in most cases in spite of having lost contact with their church community and mostly lost track of their biological family. They are carrying on in spite of these multiple losses. They get up and shower in the morning and make sure their hair is groomed. They do as best as they can with email given their limited vision and slow finger movement. They dress and often put on a little perfume for dinner. They maintain pleasant conversation and pleasant interactions. But they are not making great art. They are not organizing philosophical conceptions. There are many hundreds of such folks living in the “supported living” apartments of Champaign and Urbana and I suspect many other midwestern towns. They are not planning the future – although they are not cutting off the option of a future either. If we are going to “invent” new categories or names for states of life, those are the ones for whom we need to come up with a name and a way to think about what it means for our “humanness” that so many of us end up thus.

Ken Gilbert