Men aren’t the best communicators. Few have the balls to address their feelings, many don’t have a valid opinion about anything beyond whose winning the Super Bowl this season, and when faced with the prospect of “picking up” a woman, they ask banal questions and make repetitive statements, ranging from the ever-courteous name compliment to asking where the lass went to college.

You would think that even though men have limited skill when it comes to talking about anything of substance that explaining a paragraph’s worth about themselves would be manageable. Strangely enough, from doing a bit of research on mySpace, it seems men have difficulty talking about themselves too, even in text form.

When a man is trying to meet women on the internet, having an engaging profile is detrimental to his success; if he looks boring or stupid, it won’t help his chances when a potential interest stumbles upon his page.

I took the initiative to look through an hour’s worth of mySpace profile in the northern New Jersey area, just to see what gems I would come across.

There are some similarities in each attempt, mostly grammatical and spelling errors that display stupidity, but you can also see likeness within the direction of the writing; many of these men are saying the same exact thing, just in their own, ridiculous way.

(Note: These were taken from actual mySpace profiles. I’ve held off actual names and URLs to avoid embarassing any of these kids. While it might seem like I’m attempting to embarrass them with my commentary, I am just trying to display a “What Not to Do” for concocting an “About Me” section.)

The most fascinating thing in this masterpiece¹ is the thing about “wearing nice suits, dining at nice restaurants”; it tells a story of a provider and a woman looking for that kind of man might find him alluring due to this. On the contrary, an individualistic woman would likely find him to be shallow².

You also have to adore when someone gives you their philosophy on life; especially with the grossly overused “I live my life to the fullest” declaration.

This peon is typical New Jersey, unfortunately. It’s crazy that New Jersey has some quality school systems and is the home base for many pharmaceutical companies, yet dum-dums like this guy continue to exist.

• Why do people “hmmmm” in online writing? It’s similar to saying “like” or “you know”; they’re stop-gap mental farts, not online farts.
• I couldn’t list his nickname on the blog, but trust me, it was dopey.
• “Whatever HAHA”. Yes… we are laughing at you too.
• In school, he doesn’t talk much because he’s bored, tired, and pissed most of the time. TMI?
• Trust me, trooper, we all know you’re insane. No need to inform us.
• He does drugs? That explains a lot.
• He likes blondes? I doubt he finds one dumber than him.
• I’m guessing him leaving his AIM screen name didn’t lead to much sex.

This dufus is white trash who is lucky to live with middle-class parents. He does a hell of a job of deterring women. Definitely seems like the type to target drunken jailbait, doesn’t he?

He started with "I'm not that special". I know he's 16, but I think you're taught in the womb to value yourself more than that.He does talk about some interests, but they are typical guy interests. Nothing that will pull a woman in.The "master debater" joke killed him. Murdered him. Mass genocided him.

My favorite in the bunch, as noted in the original post. He starts off by qualifying himself? WHAT THE FUCK? You can smell a chump from a mile away when he starts his profile by qualifying himself. Plus, the early parts of his profile are braggadocious. Nicest? Most caring? Thoughtful? Good-looking? HAHAHA He gives too much information throughout the profile. Way too much. He will spend most of his conversation with a woman (if he ever has one) repeating what he said in his profile.

He's also a liar. Runs 5 miles a day and he's still fat? Yeah, no. He mentions political stance, which is a no-no, and then he apologizes for his beliefs. Plus, he mentions "doing what is right", which rubs me as a bit stuck-up. He also comes across as a "family boy" who listens to the bullshit his family feeds him. It all makes sense, as he seems ultimately confused about his life, just by reading his profile.

The profile was too long, told too much, and said nothing overly fascinating about him. It accomplished nothing.

This guy goes from “on the surface” to “way too deep” in a matter of seconds, but additionally…

• My favorite line is obvious. The “sexy chiq (yes, chiq) should message him and they’ll chill” thing is kind of hysterical. No woman will respond to that. Well, I forgot… he lives in New Jersey, so maybe he has a chance.
• See the irony in wanting to find a “good girl” and then mentioning the “sexy chiq” thing. The kid is a nut.

Not much else I can say about his genius without being a dick. He is a poor child.

1. … outside the sporadic capitalization of words …
2. I guess I’m an individualistic woman?

You’ve met this amazing woman and you’re ready to go all the way. It’s hot and heavy in your bedroom and clothes are ready to fly off. She takes off her top to reveal an amazing set of C-cups and you’re fully erect. She then tries to lift off your shirt, but you’re reluctant. You try to keep the momentum going, but with every attempt of shirt removal being rejected, you see her lust fade. You can’t take off your shirt though. She’ll see “them”. “Them” being the reason you don’t take your shirt off in the pool, why you don’t walk around topless around your house, and more importantly, why you can’t take off your shirt at this moment of passion.

Gynecomastia is the technical term for “man breasts”. This additional fat located around the nipple area causes tons of embarrassment for most men, since at their worst, they resemble the woman breasts we know and love.

You know those body builders with their firm pecs? That’s Gynecomastia as well. It’s just controlled Gynecomastia. Your man flab can look like that as well, no matter how bad your man titty problem is. The prominent way for men to lose these unsightly creatures is to work out, primarily focusing on losing body fat and developing chest muscles. It’s not a quick fix, but it is the safest option by far.

If you’re a lazy sack of shit who doesn’t believe in working out, there are many anti-estrogen prescription drugs available (such as tamoxifen) that can counter the effects of gynecomastia. If your chest fat problem is excessive, and your money situation is fortunate enough, you should consider plastic surgery to remove the excessive chest fat. Whatever solution you decide to use, just know Gynecomastia is treatable.

Additionally, avoid the following clothing wise:

• White t-shirts: White is the color of death for people with fat on their torso; it shows every imperfection.
• Gray t-shirts: Gray is the color of death for people who sweat a good deal, especially if you produce “boob sweat” from your man jugs. Ewww…
• Horizontal stripes: Vertical stripes make people look taller; horizontal stripes make people look wider. Yeah… you can figure out why to avoid horizontal stripes.

You shouldn’t have to fear being in your own skin because others might judge; it WILL happen and it’s out of your control. Only thing you can do is give them something less to talk about (and give yourself something less to worry about, especially if you have a small penis too!).

Video games are expensive though, at least at their release. XBOX 360 and PS3 games usually retail at $59.99 at street date and can stay at that price for a particular amount of time.

Though it’s tempting to jump on a game the second it is released, I’ve learned that it is a shrewd move to wait a bit to purchase a new title, especially if it is not something you will be playing obsessively¹

In the realm of personal experience, Fight Night Round 4 was a good example of purchasing a game too soon. I reserved the game months in advance, picked it up when it was released, and nearly three weeks later, I was barely playing it. I had purchased Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare² for 30 bucks on Amazon and then Madden NFL 10 came out and Fight Night started collecting dust. With tax, I paid about $65 for it. Two months later, Amazon was offering it for 40 bucks on sale. OY!

I ended up selling the game on Craigslist for $40 to some kid from Queens, so, in theory, I spent 25 bucks to play a game for three weeks; basically rental territory.

I realize now if I decide to buy Fight Night Round 4 again when I have nothing else to play, it will probably be in the 40 dollar range, or less, and it would be worth the purchase then. But, for now, with Madden, Call of Duty 4, and Modern Warfare 2 coming in November³, I have no room for other games in my life at this point.

Speaking of Madden, using Amazon, I recently pulled an intelligent caper.

A few months after a new title releases, start checking Amazon for price drops. With free shipping⁴ and no sales tax⁵, it really can’t be beat.

Amazon had Madden for $47 on PS3 three weeks after its release. I purchased the game originally at its release for full-price plus tax ($65). Since I had 30 days to return the game to get a full refund, I ordered the game on Amazon, returned the received copy to the store⁶, and got a full refund. It is almost like I bought Madden on its August 14th release date for $47 and I have definitely gotten its gaming worth with over 250 online games played already⁷

You also have to know when to sell off: As noted in my Fight Night example above, sometimes, you just got to know when to let go of a useless game. With Toys ‘R Us and Amazon now doing video game trade-ins⁸, you can make some decent bank from your dormant games.

For games that have yearly releases, and I will use Madden again as an example, figure to resell the game before its inevitable price drop, usually 3-4 months before the new version releases. For Madden NFL 09, released in August 2008, I played it hardcore until selling it to Amazon in April 2009 for $17. I got a solid eight months of gameplay, but with Madden NFL 10 coming in August 2009, I figured I could get off Madden for a few months and refuel before the new one released. 8 months of gameplay for a net cost of $48 is good math.

Games that have less frequent updates, such as Call of Duty and Grand Theft Auto, might be worth the initial purchase and have longer price holds than other games. Call of Duty 4 can still be found in many stores for $40, even though the game was released in 2007. Halo 2 didn’t receive a price drop from its $60 tag for almost two years. These games are better at-release purchases since the buy back amount should be more significant than a game with a one-year shelf life.

Still, as noted, if you have no initial need to play a game, don’t purchase it and wait for a better price. If you’re only going to play a game once, beat its single-player mode, and then toss it to the side without reselling it, you might be better off waiting until its price drops significantly before purchasing.

Look at it from this perspective: You have a girlfriend and a woman on the side. There are 7 days in a week. You work full-time. You need to make enough time for your girlfriend, or she will get suspicious, and you need to make time for the home-wrecker, because she is who you really enjoy being with. You can’t go out with other women because you don’t really have time for them. You’re not going to spend you money on a date with a woman you know you won’t have time for. Video games are the same way. If you don’t have time for a video game, it makes no sense to spend the money on it.

If only I could make a woman analogy about video game price drops. Doubt the price of women goes down anytime soon!

1. For me, any Madden game gets the automatic designation of “will play obsessively”.
2. Easily top 3 in my favorite games of all-time
3. Yes, I am buying that the day it comes out; I know it will be worth the 65 pesos.
4. on most games
5. in most states
6. Whom I will not name, but you should know what massive video game chain I am speaking of without even speaking of it.
7. … and probably another 1000 in the next upcoming months.
8. Both give back substantially more money per title than Gamestop.

Still, in order to breakup with a woman, especially one of value, there needs to be a justified reason to do so.

Saying “it wasn’t a good fit” or “we were going in different directions” works fine for a fug or a woman who put on 20 pounds in the past month, but not with a woman other guys are going to want the second you put her back on the market.

These five reasons are not only legit reasons to let a woman free. While some are more obvious than others, if your woman demonstrates any of these, it shows you she’s not worth your valuable time, money, or effort.

She cheated on you

The reason I put this one first is simple: It requires the least explanation.

If a woman cheats on you, there is no “make-up” ground; it is complete end-game. Say your farewells and move forward.

She’s too demanding

Some women are used to being satiated majority of the time by their past lovers, so they develop a bit of a bitch mechanism that could end up making you miserable.

If your girl demands that you continue to go out of your way to impress her, you should find a new woman. Just because she won’t ever be satisfied with shit doesn’t mean you should have to put up with it.

She’s too emotional

I originally had this one marked as “She’s too jealous”, but I think it all goes hand-in-hand.

Someone once said something to me that summarizes it all: Be warned when a woman is really passionate because passion can go both ways. She can be the most loving woman you could ever meet but she could also be the most miserable, obnoxious you ever meet either.

Some women are just crazy; there is no better way to explain it. Everything she does is just irrational. She goes ape-shit for absolutely no reason. If you do something small, she makes it something big. She makes your life miserable because she’s not sane.

You will rarely be able to tell a girl you’re seeing is an emotional wreck until months into the relationship, so don’t be discouraged that you made the mistake in choosing a loon. It’s her fault; not yours.

She stops putting out

In some instances, this one goes in conjunction with “She cheated on you”. In other instances, she’s just incapable of having sex anymore (emotionally lost interest in it, body pain, etc). More common of all, your woman is just not aroused by you anymore physically.

Whatever the case… If you still desire sexual attention from your lover and she does not oblige, it is usually time to end the relationship versus cheating to get your “fill” in life.

I do recommend attempting to solve the problem before anything else (counseling, conversation, etc), but if there is no hope, you should split ways and remain friends. If one party is no longer physically attracted in the other, it makes no sense to continue to beat the dying horse.

Note: I am not saying it’s right to leave your girlfriend when she can’t have sex due to physical issues; that is very dependent on the person and the situation. I just don’t want to sound like a scumbag by telling you to get rid of a great woman due to something she has no control over.

She’s not in love with you anymore

There comes a time in some relationships where the flame just burned out, but no one to throw away the ashes just yet, so they both stay in the relationship and hope things get better.

They never get better.

Even if you still love a woman, that doesn’t mean she still loves you. If she starts demonstrating signs of relationship indifference, it is possibly time to be the bigger person and end it.

You’ll both hurt for a good period of time, but at least being hurt is making progress; staying in a stagnant situation to avoid your humanity isn’t.

1. Reasonable reasons; don’t try to be funny.

With a new year on the horizon, a lot of you out there might be looking forward to another year of being absolutely, completely, utterly sexless.

Not an optimistic outlook, I know, but maybe there is a solution.

I know a few guys who have paid for sex for various reasons. One was in Vegas and it was just the fun thing to do. One was turning 23 and was still a virgin, so decided paying for sex was the only way he was going to get laid. One guy is married with children and uses a prostitute because his wife won’t blow him anymore. Everyone has their reasons.

I personally wouldn’t use a prostitute because I get enough action as it is and don’t really see the logic in paying for something I get for free. Plus, you know, the whole disease thing. Not too keen on it.

The argument in this is whether or not a man is pathetic for “acquiring the services of a professional”. Some of us have our reasons to need to pay for sex: loneliness, horniness, virginity. Some of us who actually get vagina still have a reason to pay for sex: maybe they aren’t sexually fulfilled with the women they bed, maybe they are living for the moment and that those girls standing in the store windows in Amsterdam just look too damn good to pass up. We all have our reasoning for doing something so disdained by the majority of society.

If you think about it, many of us pay for sex on a regular basis. Do you take women out and pay for everything, hoping to get laid? Do you buy your girlfriend gifts on holidays so she’ll fuck you? You probably do. By legal definition, that’s prostitution. You’re paying for sex technically, aren’t you?

So why not pay for the company of a woman who knows what she is doing, a woman who will do anything you want as long as it doesn’t involve kissing you? Besides the disease thing, I really can’t point out a reason not to do it. Yes, there might be some moral dilemma, but that’s all red tape anyway. If the girl is clean and you have the money to spend, screw it, literally. Wear a condom and screw it. You’re helping the economy with every thrust!

Old-school is very popular in our culture. Men rock Chuck Taylors, make love to Silk’s “Freak Me”, and some even forgo modern methods of doing everyday tasks in order to utilize tried-and-true techniques.

I own two pairs of Converse, have “Freak Me” in my “Superfun” playlist¹, and last week, I started using a Straight Razor to shave my face.

Going from a Schick Quattro² to a 1-blade straight edge was a huge change, but definitely worth it in the long run.

Price wise, you really can’t beat out a straight edge. As noted in the cheap Amazon plug on the right, I got 300 replacement blades and the straight razor for 30 bucks, shipping included. You might spend 10 on a standard commercial razor like the Quattro, but then a 4-pack of blades will set you back another 10 bucks. Add that up over the history of your shaving life³ and that adds up to be a pretty penny⁴. 300 shaves for 30 bucks is a steal. If you’re a cheapo like I am and use each blade for two shaves, that’s 600 shaves for $30; 5 cents a shave. Saving money is a beautiful thing.

You can’t get a closer shave than a straight razor can give. Even with 4 or 5 blades, you cannot replicate the cutting ability of this razor; that’s why barber shops still use straight razors to this day. It angles better, cuts better, and can do the little things modern razors can’t, such as sideburns and the back of your neck. While the modern razors are DEFINITELY a lot safer⁵, once you master the straight razor, there really is no going back; it’s just too good.

As noted, there is one real drawback to the straight razor: You will likely cut yourself several times before picking up on the proper way to shave with it.

In my first encounter with the straight razor, I cut my chin harshly. It bled for almost a half hour. Wasn’t a big cut, but definitely a deep one. I also had loads of irritation. Add in the 6 or 7 smaller cuts I also achieved and it wasn’t much of a pleasant first experience with the new razor.

The second time around, I did much better, only managing 4 small cuts, and all due to improper shaving form⁶ and though the irritation still hurt, it wasn’t bad as the first time. At this rate, within the next few weeks, I should get the skill required to be able to do this without cutting myself, and in due time, without irritation as well.

I think every man should buy himself a straight edge razor and learn how to use it. Not only will you get a closer shave, you’ll also save a few bucks and learn a new skill, always an important part of self-improvement.

Plus, the straight razor doubles as a weapon and anything that can decapitate someone with a single swipe is worth having around!