Chelsea King, 17, went for a jog after school last Thursday.  Her body was found Tuesday in a shallow grave a half mile from her car.  Chelsea was a straight A student, an athlete and a musician in the prestigious San Diego Youth Symphony. Beloved by many for her charming personality, Chelsea held the promise of the best of our youth.  This month and next Chelsea’s parents will receive her college acceptance letters in the mail.  The sickening loss of her life made even more disturbing by the loss of her contribution to our world.

Amber Dubois, 14, missing since February of 2009, still haunts investigators searching for leads in her disappearance.  Amber’s mother aided in the search for Chelsea King.  These parents, united in the love for their children, pulled together with the community to help find Chelsea.  According to the National Center For Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) most non-family abductions of children happen in the after school hours between 2 pm and 7 pm.  74% of the victims are girls ages 10 to 14.

Many of us feel a smoldering rage toward perpetrators of crimes against children.  Comments on blogs and internet news sites describe homicidal fury towards these predators.  When faced with the senselessness and brutality of these crimes against the innocent, it is easy to succumb to blind hatred.  We feel helpless to find or save these precious children.  That feeling of helplessness can kick us into anger as a biological defense mechanism.  Some slip into depression.  Many adult victims of child abuse feel traumatized all over again when they hear stories about new victims.

Chelsea King’s grieving friends and family will not likely feel helped by vigilante anger.  The surviving children in our homes and communities will not feel safe and secure when faced with raging adults spewing bile, no matter how justified the feeling.  Friends of Chelsea reported some healing from the candlelight vigil held for her last night in front of a church.  The power of groups of people coming together to support, grieve and repair is stronger than the force of rage.  There may be predators among us, but they can never conquer the power of thousands of people pulled together for the love of a child.

Lone joggers in the hills have been attacked and killed by mountain lions.  Human predators with the moral compass of a slime mold sometimes do the same.  Threat assessment expert Gavin de Becker wrote Protecting The Gift, a brilliant book to help parents keep their children safe from these predators.  He writes about what he calls the “wild brain” or that animal part of us that tells us when we’re in danger.  If something doesn’t feel right, pay attention.  Is someone looking at you or your child in a strange way?  Listen to that voice inside.  If your child feels uncomfortable with a priest or a teacher or a neighbor, listen to that voice.  Don’t force your child to hug Uncle Ernie or Grandpa Bob when she doesn’t want to.  Let your child respect her own physical boundaries.  That way she’ll know to trust that creepy sensation inside,  while feeling emboldened to protect herself.

Our love and prayers go out to Chelsea King’s family and friends.  Chelsea, may you rest in peace.  In your life you inspired many.  In your death you have brought attention to all missing and exploited children who need our love and protection.

It poses quite a challenge to an anger management professional when your website gets hacked.  That’s exactly what happened to us two weeks ago.  Some lonely soul with too much time on his hacker hands sent visitors to our site on a joy ride through Chinese websites.  The hack sidelined our site building plans and forced us to practice what we preach.  Breathe in, 2,3,4….Breathe out 2, 3, 4…It’s taken us this long to recover.

The number of viruses in circulation tops 1 million according to a Times Online article.  The U.S. wins the productivity award for producing most of the viruses in circulation.  China, with the help of Russia, is creeping up on the U.S.  in a race to mess everything up.  Hacker researcher, Sarah Gordon, found that hackers and virus creators tend to follow a different code.  Hackers don’t respect those who merely spawn viruses because it takes less skill.  She reports that some fit the stereotype of the bright-but-maladjusted adolescent male while many do not.  Some call themselves “white hat hackers” pointing out vulnerabilities to organizations for free.  They love the challenge of the hack, but live by a do-no-harm credo.

The website MrCracker devoted to “all things hacking” reports several reasons why many people hack.  For every disgruntled geek creating a virus for revenge, there are several motivated by curiosity or boredom.  We live in a world now with state sponsored computer terrorism, bored smart teens looking to find significance, and multi-national corporations willing to do anything to get the competitive advantage.   Spyware, trojans, worms and random acts of crapulous coding make it a wonder any of us can get anything done with these machines.

Dr. Marc Rogers at Purdue University put together a helpful site with research on criminal computer hacking.  One study found no consistent personality type  that engaged in cyber-crime.  It did find that these humanoids rate higher in exploitative and manipulative behavior.  Many studies show that it’s easier to be cruel to those we can’t see.  Cyber-criminals often never see the suffering of their victims.

To keep your magnificent machine healthy make sure you follow these tips from the U.S. Computer Emergency Readiness Team:

• Regularly back-up your hard drive so you don’t lose everything if attacked.
• Scan everything for invaders before you download it.
• Set your email to not automatically open attachments.
• Get great anti-virus software and set it to run every time you turn on your computer.
• Regularly update all your software.  Many viruses attack earlier versions of programs.
• Use complicated passwords and pass phrases and don’t use dictionary words.
• Don’t let your machine get slow.  Spyware and denial of use viruses slow down your system.
• Disconnect from the internet when not using your computer.

Protecting your computer is a lot like pregnancy prevention.  No method of protection works 100% of the time with the exception of abstinence.  And even then, some one can attack you and force you to use a computer.

Most baby boomers will switch jobs 10 times in their life, according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. Ideas about corporate loyalty and job security seem quaint and antiquated now. Today everyone is a free agent. When job competition appears steep and jobs are scarce, a bad boss can mess with your head like a Quentin Tarantino movie.

The stressful environment created by an angry intimidating boss can make you physically sick. Stress head aches, anxiety attacks, gastro-intestinal disturbances make working to your potential difficult. If you’re feeling this distress you’ve got company. Double digit increases in Worker’s Compensation stress claims threaten to bankrupt the system in many states.

In our Manage Anger Daily classes and our corporate trainings we hear from survivors about their evil superiors. Leaving out the incompetent and the merely unhinged we find three types of bosses often called “evil”:

• Satan’s Sadistic Sidekick: This boss sails into the office late, leaves early, dropping work by the pound full onto the drooping desks of overworked employees. When one of these tired underlings dares to complain the evil one chuckles and says something like, “if you don’t like this job we can find someone else.”
• Maddeningly Malicious Micro-manager: We can identify this demonic breed by the feel of hot breath on the back of our necks.Every piece of work product gets scrutinized and criticized ad nauseam. Sensitive workers can leave the office in tears after long lectures about trivia.
• Bombastic Boorish Bully: This mouthy boss spits orders with excruciating hostility. Employees reflexively duck and cover to spare themselves the predictable tongue-lashing. Workers can find some consolation in knowing this bully will likely pass away early by blowing out his arteries.

When you find yourself suffering from Monday morning depression due to the pressure from one of these demonic directors try:

1. Meditation. Many workplaces now offer mindfulness meditation classes. Meditation teaches you how to produce a feeling of serenity no matter what your outside circumstances. Both Mindfulness based meditation and Transcendental meditation have decades of research proving their effectiveness at reducing stress.
2. Constructive confrontation. Though the thought of approaching a tormentor directly feels daunting, sometimes a bully’s armor is pierced by a straight strong request for better treatment. Try, “Don’t talk to me in such a condescending manner.” Or, “When you shout at me I do not do my best work. Please stop.”
3. Empathy. When we think of someone as evil (irony alert!) we see them as an enemy, not worthy of our understanding or support. This strips a person of their humanity allowing us to mistreat them without guilt or remorse. Perhaps your boss has pressures at home, health difficulties, an evil boss too.

When we work toward relaxing ourselves with activities like meditation and after-work fun, the job might not seem so grueling. It helps to know that bad bosses have fears, insecurities and needs just like you. When we try to understand, feel a little of their pain, they don’t seem so diabolical. Remember the powerful Wizard of Oz was just a silly pretender.

The 2009 Road Rage Award goes to Dr. Christopher Thomas Thompson, 59. The doctor wins for speeding past two cyclists, slamming on his brakes, causing one to hit the rear window of his red Infiniti, and the other to suffer a separated shoulder. Dr. Thompson, unable to bear the (one-second, two-seconds, three-seconds) wait to pass the cyclists (who were riding 30 mph) decided he needed to “teach them a lesson” according to the police officer’s testimony at his trial in Los Angeles. Now Dr. Thompson will have to suffer the wait of 5 years in prison for his crimes against the two cyclists.Unfortunately cycling champion Ron Peterson, 40, suffered a severed nose, loss of teeth, and cuts across his face. His companion Christian Stoehr, 29, had to have surgery on his separated shoulder.

Some driver’s seem to get a schadenfreude kick out of scaring cyclists. Some will open their car door in front of an on-coming cyclist, then quickly close it. Cyclists pedal on with racing hearts hearing the violator’s fading laughter. Some drivers come up quietly behind the bicycle, then rev the engine loudly. Others drive by and throw things at cyclists like water bottles, trash and cigarettes. My husband, a cyclist, was the victim of a drive-by taco toss. Colorado passed a law making it a class 2 misdemeanor for a motorist to throw an object at a cyclist. Other states have passed laws to protect cyclists as well.

In some communities the hostility between motorists and cyclists has exploded into violence. Many motorists assume cycling fatalities are due to cyclists recklessness. In fact, according to a Toronto study, 90% of cycling fatalities are caused by motorist errors. Frightened cyclists attacked a car after the driver slammed into a group of riders at a Critical Mass cycling event in Seattle. Critical Mass and other groups around the world attempt to change community attitudes to encourage road sharing and safety.

If you get angry at cyclists impeding your speedy progress down the road, ask yourself the following questions:

• Can I peacefully share the road with slower-moving vehicles?
• Am I stressed, worried or mad about something else in my life?
• Am I angry because cyclists seem to have more fun than I do?
• Am I mad because cyclists make me feel bad about myself for not getting enough exercise?
• Am I blaming them for my failure to allow more travel time?
• Is the effort it takes to lift my right foot up to apply pressure to the brake really that big of a deal?

These questions should help you identify your needs and take better care of yourself. If you have hostile fantasies toward cyclists, as Dr. Thompson probably did, then you need anger management training. Hostile obsessions threaten your serenity, health and happiness.

Most motorists would never do anything violent toward a cyclist.Yet sometimes accidents happen. British Psychologist Ian Walker, an expert in traffic psychology, found that people have a very limited ability to receive visual information. If you’re really good, like Sherlock Holmes, you can see 3 points per second. A motorist planning a right turn might look at the oncoming traffic (one point) the traffic light (second point) and the direction he’s turning (third point). Even a non-hostile, well meaning driver will often miss a cyclist approaching on the right.

Dr. Walker found that drivers develop expectations. If a driver expects to see only cars, she’ll miss the toddler’s three wheeler on the street. Dr. Walker also found that drivers see cyclists as like pedestrians, underestimating their speed. In studies by Walker and others, they found that formal hand signals used by cyclists were misunderstood at the rate of 20%. So even if a cyclist obeys all the rules of the road, many motorists won’t get the message. For some reason, driver’s response times slow down when they are trying to read the signals of a cyclist. This increases the likelihood that the driver will fail to respond in the time available.

So what’s a driver to do to prevent accidents?

• Never get behind the wheel when you’re angry.
• Keep your eyes scanning all mirrors.
• Drive the speed limit and obey traffic signs.
• Don’t drive while sleepy or intoxicated.

If you’re a cyclist you can increase your safety by:

• Traveling on bike lanes and in areas where other cyclists frequently travel.
• Using a blinking light, even during the day.
• Wearing reflective clothing.
• Refraining from riding while sleepy or intoxicated.

For more safety tips join a local bike club or check out these tips at BicycleSafe.com. Both motorists and cyclists should learn that reactivity breeds dysfunction. The more we react to someone else’s bad behavior the more the whole situation turns FUBAR. When we smile, apologize and express concern for others we can calm most hostile encounters. You don’t want to end up the Road Rage Award Winner for 2010.

At the start of a new year, news outlets, psychics and financial analysts give their predictions for the new year. Psychic Sylvia Browne predicts 2010 will bring an increase in childhood skin cancer and a cure for the common cold. CNN predicts web trends like more television starts coming to us via computer and a surge of social gaming and virtual currencies. Nouriel Roubini predicts the crash of the “gold bubble” and J.P. Morgan expects emerging markets to rise 30%. If you believe sanity is worth pursuing I hope these mental health predictions for 2010 prove helpful:

• Starting January 1, 2010, the Mental Health Parity and Addiction Act mandates insurance coverage for mental health be comparable to general health coverage. Companies with more than 50 employees must provide insurance reimbursements, lifetime caps and co-payment benefits for mental health, comparable to the coverage for medical illness. Many employees, burdened from working long hours doing the work of their laid-off former colleagues, will be able to get the help they need.
• More children age 8 to 17 will report symptoms of stress including headaches, sleep disorders and upset stomachs. Parents worried about foreclosures, unemployment and other economic woes, will underestimate how much stress their children feel (Monitor on Psychology, January 2010). Many will wait too long to get treatment for their children because of a lack of awareness and resources for mental health treatment.
• More than a million people will join the Charter for Compassion, taking action to build a more peaceful world.
• Adult and child obesity will continue to expand with our waistlines. Increased consumption of cheap, calorie- dense foods full of fat, salt and sugar will contribute to a heavier, though malnourished population. We will continue to see a boost in low self-esteem, anxiety and depression.
• Leaders like Barack and Michelle Obama and Arnold Schwarzenegger will promote healthy lifestyle choices to improve public health. Healthy People 2010 will have some success providing health education, legislation and community support to improve the health of our nation.
• Hate group membership will continue to rise (54% increase in hate groups since 2000, Intelligence Report, spring, 2009). Fueled by hostile radio, web and television programs, extremism will grow. Violent standoffs with the government, lone-nut shootings and home-grown terrorism predictably will follow.
• The number of community gardens will grow at a faster pace as people search for healthy, cheaper ways to eat. This will improve the mental health of neighborhoods across America by encouraging self-reliance, good nutrition and social interaction.
• Church membership will grow as more families seek spiritual meaning during troubled times. Those who belong to religious organizations will weather these tough times better.  Unfortunately fringe cult movements will grow as well. Cult members tend to engage in extreme behavior, threatening mental stability.
• Creativity and innovation will explode, particularly in the following areas: web-based connectivity, blogging and virtual worlds, street theater, satire and comedy, international musical mergers and independent films. Creativity enhances well-being, self-sufficiency and adaptability.

To ensure good mental health in 2010:

• Practice acts of love and kindness toward the people in your life. Love costs nothing and makes us feel filthy rich.
• Do physical activity every day. Hoe the community garden, walk your neighbor’s dog, train for a 10K run.
• Turn off the television, radio, computer or other electronic device and get into nature. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience.”
• Play. Throw around a football or frisbee, play checkers with a child, wrestle a puppy, or tumble with a toddler. Playing at any age reduces stress, increases joy and fosters resilience.

Remember, no matter how tough things seem to be right now, it can always get better. If you and your family still feel pretty happy and secure, share that good positive energy with others. You can help someone turn a downward spiral into an upward spiral of hope and growth.

As a child I was blessed with two friends who profoundly inspired me. Michelle, blind from birth, was one of the most popular girls in the school. With exquisite auditory acuity, she recognized voices and would shout out across the quad, “how ya doin’ Gina!” before I ever saw her. She remembered everyone’s names, shared jokes while miraculously maneuvering independently with her cane. Sherry, another great friend, had cerebral palsy. Her speech and muscle coordination made walking a challenge, and speaking clearly a struggle. Cruel children teased her, imitating her slurred speech and lop-sided walk. Sherry never complained. Instead she would say, “isn’t it a beautiful day?”

Michelle and Sherry demonstrate the characteristics of resilient people described by Dr. Al Siebert author of The Resiliency Advantage. Both displayed high levels of empathy, had strong loving relationships, and adapted quickly to change. Faced with serious hardships, both women avoided anger and self pity. Instead they actively maintained friendships, worked hard in school, and earned the respect and admiration of many.

Those of us without major physical limitations can learn from people like Michelle and Sherry when life throws a few curve balls our way. If you’ve been downsized, out-sourced or canned, fight the tendency to fuel anger and self-pity. Instead, look for something positive about your situation. Even if you feel worried, focusing on a few positives gets your mind thinking creatively. Positive thinking generates energy that you can use to score your next job.  Here are a few advantages to unemployment:

• More time for hobbies or interests like gardening, art, music, sports.
• Freedom to see friends and family more frequently.
• Can sleep in and get more exercise.
• Can learn a new skill, like a foreign language.

Yes, it’s hard, but as Tom Hanks said in A League of Their Own, “It’s the hard that makes it good!” Making it through difficult times raises our self-confidence. Character is carved out of the crusty clay of hardship. Earning your own money feels better than winning it.?? It raises your self-esteem.  Winning a game against a tough opponent feels better than winning against a less worthy opponent. It’s the hard that makes it good.

Another friend of mine, Dr. Kai Paul Swigart, counseled 13 year old surfer Bethany Hamilton after she lost her arm in a shark attack. Dr. Swigart is a psychotherapist, musician and recording artist. He plays several instruments, composes and sings. Kai is also legally blind. He dedicated a song to Bethany called “Blessing in Disguise.” (You can hear me sing on his Help The People CD). In her memoir, Soul Surfer:  A True Story of Faith, Family and Fighting to Get Back on the Board Bethany describes meeting Dr. Swigart. He told her he saw his lack of sight as an advantage. It improved his memory, increased his creativity, and directed him toward deeper matters. Bethany writes, “Courage doesn’t mean you don’t get afraid. Courage means you don’t let fear stop you.” Bethany still wins awards and inspires both in the water and out.

If you’d like to learn how to increase your resilience to the slings and arrows of life take a resilience quiz at The Resiliency Center. Check out The Survivor’s Club for resources to combat adversity. To help kids learn resilience check out the American Psychological Association’s Lessons in Resilience. If times feel tough for you now, turn off the T.V. and get moving doing something challenging. Television equates “easy” with good. Too much T.V. makes us depressed and anxious. Instead put down the remote and do the hard stuff.

Many years ago my friends and I found ourselves facing a holiday season with no money and no family. Too broke to travel home, we decided to get creative. A twisted, puny, discarded shrub, stuck in a coffee can wrapped in aluminum foil became our Christmas tree. We took needle and thread to popcorn and cranberries to make a garland decoration. Aluminum foil stars hung from the mutilated branches and a Barbie doll with aluminum foil wings topped our masterpiece. Agreeing on a $5 gift limit forced us to abandon the mall for the five and ten cent store.

We wrapped our treasures in comics from the newspaper and enjoyed Christmas morning with hot cider and Bisquick biscuits. I received a red plastic squirt gun, a plastic toy train, and a balsa wood airplane (assembly required). Soon the squirt gun battle sent us running about the place squealing and laughing. Later while eating our homemade vegetarian chili dinner, we played board games and worked on a puzzle purchased at the Goodwill. This remains one of my happiest holiday memories and illustrates the first secret to holiday happiness. Use your imagination.

Les Brown said, “Live out of your imagination instead of out of your memory.” (Thank you Suzan Tusson for that quote.) Memories of holiday times can create high expectations and high anxiety for many people. Dr.Sonia Lyubomirsky, in her book The How of Happiness, says it’s a myth that we can only be happy if our circumstances are ideal. You might feel you can’t have a happy holiday season if you don’t have a job, money, spouse, or family. Dr. Lyubomirsky found that we carry the elements for happiness within us no matter what life situation we find ourselves in.  If you can’t afford the traditional holiday extravaganza with all the trimmings, make up a new tradition. Studies show trying something new increases our happiness. The second secret to holiday happiness, variety, heightens our senses, stimulates the imagination and provides a spark of adventure. One year a relative brought kites to our holiday gathering. Soon relatives both young and old assembled the paper kites with string, skipped outside, and launched the colorful creations into the sky.

One Thanksgiving I was sick with the flu. Home alone with the television, I felt a bit sorry for myself. Later that day I heard a knock at the door. Dragging my sick self off the couch I opened the door and was greeted by a smiling face and a home cooked meal. That simple act of kindness boosted my mood and probably my immune system too. That brings us to the third secret to holiday happiness. Acts of kindness boost the happiness levels of the giver as much as the receiver. Write a letter of gratitude to someone. Tell that person how much they mean to you, or how much their acts of kindness mean to you. Wrap the letter in a ribbon and deliver it by hand. Give a homemade scrapbook filled with old photos of happy events. Include handwritten captions describing the fun. Offer to help a neighbor shovel snow off the drive, or prune their rosebushes. With imagination, the spice of variety and the warmth of human kindness you’re certain to enjoy a happy holiday season. I’m interested in hearing about your happy holiday stories.

A few days ago my daughter and I were diagnosed with the swine flu also known by the less friendly, H1N1. Symptoms include head ache so bad you can’t lift head off bed, sore throat, post-marathon fatigue (without the runner’s high) and body pain like being run through a rock polishing machine. Despite our best efforts (compulsive hand washing, sunny disposition, good sleep and nutrition) we fell along with a dozen others in my daughter’s theater group. Studies suggest we’re more prone to getting colds and flu after experiencing anger or stress. We skipped anger, but long nights with less sleep definitely put stress on our bodies. No amount of hand sanitizer can safeguard you from an airborne virus in search of a place to land.

One advantage of being bed-ridden-but-conscious is the ability to watch endless hours of movies and television guilt-free. We watched President Obama preside over the memorial for the 13 victims of the Fort Hood shooting. Moving tributes and Veteran’s Day memorials brought our petty battle with the flu into perspective. So many people in our nation and around the world live in fear. With the economic crisis, flu pandemic, wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, many live with tremendous daily stress. Soldiers and families worry about multiple deployments, financial stresses and the fear of Muslim extremists living among us.

Sometimes fear stokes anger, provoking reckless words and foolish behavior. The talking heads on T.V. should more aptly be called yelling heads. Not wise to listen to yelling heads when you’ve got a thunderous headache. Sometimes when we feel fear the urge to get up and yell or blame someone proves irresistible. During these times it’s important to pause, study the best evidence available, and wait to act. Our actions will prove more effective, our mood will stay more stable, and the outcome will likely be better. If you’ve got the flu, switch to comedy. It’s better for your health.

In times of fear and crisis, it helps to pull loved one’s close. Appreciate simple small things. This morning I relished feeling well enough to bake fresh blueberry scones for my sick child. Her smile made of orange rind, topped with a red nose, warmed my heart. The ability to sit at the computer long enough to write this feels amazing. I appreciate generous women like Sheryl Roush, who accepted my short story in her latest Heart Book Series, The Heart of a Military Woman. Her emails and encouragement sure cheered me up when I felt the worst. Reading uplifting stories like that of Eldonna Lewis-Fernandez, contributing editor and Pink Biker Chic inspire me to keep striving to help people reduce anger and feel more peaceful.

Okay. Enough writing. It’s 70 degrees, sunny outside. I’m gonna go lay down now. Be well.

“I hate happy people,” said Mark, a former anger management client. “I just want to punch them in the face.” Mark wore his unhappiness with a hostile chip on his shoulder. Unable to appreciate the joy in others, even the sweet innocence of a baby’s laughter, he consumed himself with bitter envy.

Another client, Sandy, spit out her words like bullets while talking about a visit to her wealthy friends home. “She has the car.garden.house.husband.pool.clothes.and I.have.nothing. I hate her!” Sandy’s envy about her friends good fortune robbed her of a happy visit. Had Sandy been able to open her heart and feel a little of her friend’s joy, she might have gotten ideas and inspiration to improve her own life.

Both Mark and Sandy suffer from severe depression, keeping them self-centered, pissed-off, and unable to feel joy and emotional connection with others. This closed-off approach to life can rob you of the opening, building, problem-solving fuel of happiness. Dr. Barbara Fredrickson found that increasing your joy opens your mind to greater possibilities and improves problem solving skills. Happiness adds real practical value to our lives.

Research shows that about 50% of our happiness appears to be a genetically determined “set point.” Some babies are born smiling, others cranky based on hereditary predisposition. Another 10% of our capacity for joy is determined by our circumstances, rich or poor, healthy or unhealthy, etc. The remaining 40% of our ability for happiness is determined by our own actions and thoughts. While Mark and Sandy struggled with genetic predispositions to depression, they needed help seeing the impact their own thoughts and actions made in their ability to feel good.

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky in her book The How of Happiness writes, “…becoming lastingly happier demands making some permanent changes that require effort and commitment every day of your life.” One of those permanent changes include avoiding social comparison. We often compare ourselves to others and find something lacking in ourselves. This makes us feel down, discouraged, resentful. Instead it’s helpful to stop the thoughts of comparison and distract ourselves by thinking about something else, like a hobby, a personal goal, or a favorite movie or book.

If you find yourself pissed-off about the happiness of others, stop comparing and start living. Happiness enhancing activities include: practicing acts of kindness, committing to your goals, learning to forgive and nurturing your relationships. As you make efforts toward kindness and achieving personal goals, your life improves. When your heart warms toward others, you can find joy in the happiness of others. To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, it’s best to cause happiness wherever you go, rather than whenever you go.

Heather wiped her tear-streaked face with tissue.  Memories of her father, who abandoned her as a child, still tormented her emotionally, two decades later.  As she moved through her home, vacuuming the living room and cleaning the kitchen, the tears ran down her cheeks.   Her husband Dan came home from work and asked, “What’s wrong?”  “I can’t stop thinking about how much he hurt me,” she replied.  “It’s insane how angry and hurt I still feel.”  What Dan said next changed her thinking forever.  “I come home every day, love you, support you and the kids, and you spend all your time thinking about him,”  Dan said. 

Heather learned one of the secrets of forgiveness.  Forgiveness makes us happier and healthier. When we focus so much on our personal injuries, we fail to enjoy and appreciate the love and goodness right in front of us.  Heather immediately started feeling better when she took to heart her husband’s words.  Her anger and hurt stopped her from fully enjoying the man who came home and loved her every day.  As soon as she started spending more time thinking about her husband’s kindness and goodness, her mood improved.  As she felt stronger emotionally, she moved forward and forgave her father.

Raul’s fierce face filled with rage when he spoke of the molest of his daughter Angela.  “She was only 8 years old and he took her innocence,” he said.  “How can you forgive the unforgivable?” he asked.  Ten years later Raul still raged when he talked about the event that changed the course of the life of his family.  “How does your anger help your daughter recover?”  I asked.  “I can’t forgive my friend who did this to her.  I will hate him forever,” he replied.  “How does hating him help your daughter?” I asked.  Raul paused, his face softened, “It doesn’t,”  he said.  “Could you forgive him if your daughter’s life depended on it?”  I asked.  Raul looked up, “Of course,”  he said.  “I’d do anything for her.”  Raul discovered how his anger hurt both he and his daughter, stunting their recovery.  He learned the second secret:  Forgiveness is a choice.  Choosing forgiveness allowed he and his daughter to enjoy each other without the shadow of the molester clouding every interaction with anger and hurt.  Forgiving his daughter’s molester does not mean condoning the horrible act.  It also does not mean he must reconcile with his friend.  Raul learned to forgive, not forget, so that he could love his daughter more fully.   Love filled up the space in his mind formerly taken up by anger and resentment.

William felt proud of his career accomplishments.  He won numerous awards, rapidly moving up the corporate ranks.  William fully expected his good evaluations and exceptional performance would win him a V.P. position.  Instead the Fortune 500 company laid off thousands of managers, including William.  Unable to find a comparable job over 2 years later, William felt resentful and scared.  “I gave them the best of me and they threw me out with the trash,” he said.  William gradually learned the third secret of forgiveness.  Give up expecting life to always go as planned. Something he really wanted did not happen.  When he stopped resenting that, he became more creative, and started his own company.

Forgiveness is not easy.  When we work on making our life better after an injury, it helps strengthen us and provide the courage to forgive.  According to Dr. Fred Luskin of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, people who are more forgiving have fewer health problems, less stress and healthier hearts.  Success really is the best revenge.