I don’t get how people can handle them on a regular basis. Heck, I don’t know how I handled taking them for five years before we discovered the whole infertility thing. (Oh so funny in hindsight.)

Regardless, my pack of evilness has been banished from the bathroom, and I am so very glad. Baseline is on Thursday, and I’m definitely ready to get things going. This “do nothing” phase of IVF really irks me.

If everything looks ok on Thursday then I’ll start microdose Lupron on Friday and stims on Saturday. I know it’s not something people say every day, but I’m looking forward to the needles. At least that’s doing something.

When we started IVF for the first time it wasn’t a secret by any stretch. All of our family members knew and lots of other people ended up in the loop as we progressed through cycle after cycle.

I even started another blog just for the sole purpose of keeping everyone updated on our cycles. I sure didn’t want to just send them the link to this blog, and it’s a heck of a lot easier to say “beta was negative” or “there was no heartbeat” through the computer. So, I was pretty much an open book for all seven of the cycles that led us to Adam.

What’s weird is that neither Dan nor I have told a single person that we’re cycling again. (You know, I mean other than the internets.) I’m closing in on the end of birth control pills, I’ve turned in our consents, paid our deposit, and the rest of my meds are being delivered tomorrow, but we haven’t said a word.

I keep wondering why that is. I guess one reason is because this is a one shot deal. If it doesn’t work then what’s the point of anyone knowing. And if for some reason it does, then it will be quite obvious that we did another cycle.

I don’t feel like I really need the emotional support that I did before. I know the drill, and I’m prepared as much as anyone can be for what may or may not happen.

But it feels weird keeping it a secret, because I don’t feel like it is. I guess it’s a secret by omission.

The more I think about it, I guess the reason I haven’t told is because I don’t want anyone getting their hopes up. What they don’t know can’t hurt them, right? I know my mother would be thrilled at the possibility of another grandchild, and I’d hate to have to let her down.

I may still spill the beans yet, but I’m not sure. Maybe this IVF cycle will just end up being our little secret mission.

Adam got glasses a week and a half ago, and he’s been experiencing the same thing. I was a little worried that he’d have trouble getting used to them, but he’s done great, no doubt due to the fact that he can actually see now.

Adam’s been followed by a pediatric ophthalmologist for a while now, first due to his nystagmus (shimmering of the eyes back and forth) and currently due to strabismus (eye wandering outwards.) Along the way, his vision has been checked, too.

The last time he was dilated back in June, he was nearsighted but not so much that the doctor felt that it required correction. We went back a few weeks ago, and his vision had worsened to -3.00 in one eye and -3.50 in the other. We had noticed that he had been having trouble seeing, so the decision to put him in glasses was an easy one.

They’ve already helped so much, and I have to say that he looks quite cute in them, don’t ya think?

His nystagmus is undetectable to the naked eye now, only under magnification can the doctor see it, so that’s good news. There’s hope that the glasses will help the strabismus, but if not there’s talk of patching. We go back in two months to see how he’s doing.

I’m just so glad my little man can see well now. I know I’d be lost without my glasses and contacts. I think he’s already starting to feel the same way. He even asks for them when he wakes up in the morning and after nap. It’s great that they’ve made such a difference for him. So, yay for glasses!

12/26-2/8 birth control pills
2/11 baseline
2/12 start microdose Lupron
2/13 start stims
week of 2/22 ER

I am officially one-third the way through BCPs which makes me happy. I have to go in for my teach visit next week, a fancy term for turning in my consents, getting my meds ordered, and forking over a deposit. And then, we’re off to the races.

I’m most definitely looking forward to moving on from the pill popping portion of this cycle to the needle injecting portion. I’ll take gonadotropins over the evil birth control pills any day.

That moment of hesitation was all about guilt. It came to me as I read my last post in bloglines. Every time I post about this IVF cycle it’s as if I’m justifying it to myself. I’m always careful to point out how different things are this time around now that we have Adam. I make it clear that we’re so thankful to have him, and anything else would be a bonus.

And that is so true, but the truth is that I know that. I don’t need to say it every time I post about this cycle. So, why do it? The truth is that part of me feels guilty cycling.

Why do I get another chance, even if it’s not a great one, when so many other people are still in the trenches struggling for #1? Survivor’s guilt has always been a tough thing for me to process, but this chance to cycle again is bringing it to the forefront.

I have friends who are still waiting. They’ve been through so much. It’s their turn, not mine.

I know it doesn’t really work that way. I know how unfair infertility is. We had our fair share of it trying to get our little man. But the unfairness can’t change what I feel should be.

I have to say, though, that I think just acknowledging the guilt helped. I’ve been swallowing my little white pill each morning, and instead of letting the guilt gnaw at me, all I can think about is how much I hate those evil fuckers.

So, yeah. We’re doing it. Again. It’s kind of hard to believe it’s been 4 years since my last fresh cycle. I’m assuming it’s like riding a bike, though, huh?

I’m definitely in a different mindset this time around. I’m not as nervous. I’m not as desperate. And surprisingly, I’m not as hopeless.

To expound: While we were in the pursuit for Adam, I was so desperate for each cycle to be “the one.” The thought of going though another cycle when you’re already on #5 or #6 is disheartening to say the least. I had to get to him, whatever it took, so there was soooo much riding on each and every cycle. It made me nervous. I worried. I stressed.

Now, though, we’ve arrived. He’s more than I ever imagined. I can’t be desperate when I’ve got him. I want this very much, but I’m not going to be broken into a million pieces if it doesn’t happen like I was each time one of our pre-Adam cycles failed.

So, what’s with the hope, you say? I’m not one known for hope. Hope is a bitch. I know that. I was beaten down so much and so hard, that I literally couldn’t hope during our last cycle. It hurt too badly. You fall further when you get your hopes up.

Now I have a cushion. It feels ok to hope at least a little. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still 100% realistic. I know our chances. I’ve lived them. I just want to let a little hope creep in this cycle. It is our last one unless by some miracle we get frozens. I’m not in that deep dark hole anymore, thankfully, so it’s ok to let a see a little light seep in.

I don’t know how this will turn out, although I could probably bet on the outcome and win. I do know, however, that it’s worth a try. So, let the games begin.

I guess it’s still hard for me to believe sometimes that we really got this lucky. I never ever expected our final FET cycle to work. Why should that one succeed when all of the others had failed? I guess it was because we were waiting for Adam. And as I’ve said before, he was definitely worth the wait.

He’s such an amazing little guy (who isn’t quite so little anymore.) The boy is tall! He fascinates me on a daily basis. The other day he woke up and the first thing out of his mouth was “subtracting!” He proceed to ask for his number book was so we could do some subtracting. That’s my Adam.

In addition to all things number related, he loves all things building related. You could not pry away his tool toys from him if you wanted to. He got a new work bench for his birthday, and he loves it. He loves to take stuff apart, too. The other day it took me quite a while to get my Dyson back together, he had it in so many pieces.

He loves to play outside, and I’m sure he can’t wait for the weather to warm up some so he can spend more time out there. We go on walks to the playground, and he insists on taking the long way home through the neighborhood. He likes collecting pine cones, leaves, and knocked off street reflectors along the way. And we have to stop at every mailbox we pass, too. Our neighborhood has grouped mailboxes, and he loves to open the package spots, count the boxes, etc.

Adam has crazy hair. It’s blond, straight, and fine like mine, but his has a tendency to stick straight up in the back. Sometimes it behaves, but other times it is so out of control that’s it’s pointless to even bring a comb or brush into the same room. On those days we even get strangers commenting about it.

He’s got a kind heart. I love that about him. He loves to give other kids hugs and is best buddies with our two cats.

And he’s funny, too. He loves to tell jokes. His favorite one is that he has three feet. He thinks that’s hilarious. He does things that crack me up. He recently learned to headbutt. He’ll bump his head into your butt at random moments and declare “headbutt!” But sometimes he gets it backwards and it comes out “butthead!”

He’s more than I could have ever asked for. I still remember what it felt like to hold him in my arms that first night in the hospital. Now I get big hugs. What could be better?

Well, I am stuck no more. The new year is upon us. It’s time to make myself move forward again. And we’ve made a decision about our cycle, too!

I’m always better with a plan. I love to be able to write in dates on my calendar. I love to be able to count down the days until X.

We’ve decided to start with my next cycle which should arrive towards the end of the month. I’ll start popping birth control pills on cycle day 2 and go from there. I’m doing the exact same protocol as my last fresh cycle, so I’m pretty sure I know which days things should fall on. ER should end up being the last week in February.

Things are coming along with all of the pre-cycle work. I got my lab results back, and everything was normal. FSH was still in the ok range at 6.5. Dan had his bloodwork done last week. The meds that needed to go through mail order have been ordered and should be delivered this week. I’ll go ahead and admit that I’m looking forward to getting them. There’s just something about seeing a big stash of IVF drugs to get you ready for a cycle.

So, I’m feeling good about having the ball in motion. I hate the feeling of not knowing how things are going to turn out, and I’d just assume find out sooner rather than later.

Not so much. That scope was no match for my cervix. I still have that sharp 90 degree turn in there, and the scope just could not make it through. My RE tried four times, three with ultrasound guidance, something which is usually not necessary, but no luck. He ended up just doing a vaginal ultrasound to check out the old ute, and it looked fine from that standpoint.

The good news was that he also did a mock transfer with an embryo catheter, and it went in fine. The scar tissue in my cervix was broken up with Adam’s delivery, so the catheter went in much more easily than it ever had before. My RE said that it would probably end up being fine to do my ET this time around without IV sedation, but that he felt we should do it anyway to be on the safe side.

I only had 10 antral follicles, half what I had during my hysteroscopy appointment going into my last fresh cycle, but that was four years ago, so I guess it’s to be expected. Honestly, I’d be ok if I ended up with 10 mature eggs. My last fresh cycle I had 20 antral follicles and ended up with 30 eggs retrieved, 22 of those mature. Great except that as a result my E2 sky rocketed. And in all actuality, we probably don’t have enough motile sperm in that one vial to fertilize a ton of eggs anyway. (They had to use two vials to get enough for the 22 eggs that cycle.) So, let’s hope for the good old “quality over quantity” this time around.

Dan will get his bloodwork done next week, and then we just have to decide which month we want to cycle. I’ll start popping birth control pills on CD2 and then go in for a teach visit shortly thereafter to get my calender, turn in our consents, etc. (I’m pretty sure that even with the amount of time that has passed that I could shoot up in my sleep, so hopefully my nurse will spare me the actual “teaching.”)

I guess the only real decision left to make is when this is going to happen. January is bad for Dan at work, so it won’t be then. I’m hoping for February or March, but we’ll see.

So, back on the roller coaster we go for one more ride. Should be interesting.

It ended up that we actually needed to decide before the 15th of this month. That’s the deadline for the medical savings plan contributions to be submitted at Dan’s job. If we were going to do IVF again (out of pocket again, of course) we would want to max out what we could put in.

So, we sat down and talked this past weekend. I knew Dan wasn’t really ready, but we needed to talk anyway. At that point we had already decided to get testing done this month, because our insurance deductibles had already been met. Putting off testing even one month would mean that it would cost us significantly more out of pocket.

But what were we doing the testing for? I finally just asked Dan if he wanted to know what I wanted to do. He said yes. So I said that I wanted to do one last fresh IVF cycle with our lone remaining vial of sperm. No surgery for him. No donor sperm. His answer was immediate, “Yes, let’s do that. That’s what I want, too.” Decision made.

It’s nice to be on the same page. I was scared that he wouldn’t want to cycle again at all, but that’s not the case. The whole time we were cycling (and cycling) to get Adam, I always felt that things would work out the way they were meant to be. I truly did, and I know I talked about that a lot here during that time.

Well, I feel the same way now. Do I want another child? Yes, I really do. We wouldn’t even consider this otherwise. But honestly, we have to accept that it may not be in the cards for us. I really do think part of winning the infertility battle comes in the form of acceptance. Yes, I’m sure we’d have more than one child if we were fertile myrtles, but that is not the hand we were dealt. It’s important for me to consider the reality of our situation. I think I’m at a place where I’ll be able to accept that we’ll be a family of three if this cycle doesn’t work.

I wasn’t willing to accept that we wouldn’t have a child, that I wouldn’t ever be a mother, not even in the darkest moments. I was fiercely determined to keep going until my arms were no longer empty, no matter how long it took, no matter how much it cost, no matter what path it took to get there. Well, thankfully (oh so thankfully) we’re there now.

I need to do this upcoming cycle. I need to know we gave it the one try we could. I need to know that my family worked out the way it was supposed to. But whichever way that turns out to be will be ok, because we’re there now.

When Adam showed interest in his singing potty we decided to go with it. We brought out the sticker charts, prizes, and all that good stuff. He did pretty well, and he even progressed to wearing cotton trainers for a bit. Then the novelty wore off, and he wanted nothing more to do with that singing potty, underwear, or anything remotely associated with either.

Again, I wasn’t going to push him. It’s not like forcing him was going to do a darn bit of good. So, back to diapers we went.

One thing I found that I really liked about his brief stint out of his disposable diapers was having real fabric next to his sensitive skin. So, I decided to make the late switch to cloth diapers. It didn’t seem like Adam was going to really potty train anytime in the near future given his renewed lack of willingness as well as all of the issues that come along with having an extremely sensitive digestive tract, so I thought I’d give cloth a try.

Unfortunately, the combination of our half-ass washing front loader and Adam’s sensitivity to chemicals (ie. laundry detergent) didn’t make for a good combo when it came to cloth, (and yes, I’ve tried multiple types of detergent, different wash combos, etc. to no avail).

I did learn that I really do like cloth diapering. Who knew. I really loved reading reviews of different diapers when I started out, so I thought I’d post my humble opinions on the ones we tried. At least maybe someone can get some info out of the money I spent on this short lived endeavor.

All of the diapers I tried first used microfiber in some shape or another. They were all pocket diapers or all in ones (AIOs) and they all had snaps for closures.

Swaddlebees AIOs: These were the first diapers we tried. They have a trim fit through the crotch and fit Adam so well. I really liked the snap placement on these. They take a while to dry due to their AIO nature, but it helps if you flip them inside out before tossing them in the dryer.

FuzziBunz One Size: I really liked this diaper. Is has an internal elastic adjustment system (as opposed to snaps down the front) which I found nice. It’s not a diaper that would have fit Adam long, though. He was on the last button holes for the rise.

FuzziBunz Pefect Size: We got the medium long size, and it worked well on Adam. It has the length of a large and width of a medium which was good given that Adam is tall but not thick. Both the Fuzzi Bunz have a microfiber insert that you place into the pocket which result in a faster drying time than an AIO diaper.

Knickernappies One Size and 2G (sized): I liked these diapers ok but couldn’t get as good as a fit on Adam with them. The only difference between the one size and 2G besides the ability to adjust the rise down is that the 2G’s have elastic on the front waist area and the one size do not. I got both of the diapers with the Knickernappies Loopy Do inserts which contain both microfiber and hemp. Those are super duper absorbent inserts.

I found that I didn’t really like the diapers with microfiber. As I mentioned, my front loader was not doing a good job of getting the diapers clean or rinsed, and the microfiber compounded the issue. So, I decided to give diapers with all natural fibers a try.

bumGenius Flip: This is a system with a separate cover and insert. I got the organic cotton insert. The insert is awesome, very soft and extremely absorbent. I didn’t love the fit of the cover on Adam, though. He always ended up with bad snap marks.

GroBaby: This looks like it could be a nice system with it’s organic cotton snap in insert and accompanying cover, but we never really got to test it out because it was just too tight on Adam.

Bottombumpers All in One: This was by far my favorite of the ones we tried. It’s made with cotton and bamboo, and is so soft. They have snap in inserts, so they dry as quickly as pocket diapers. I got the ones with hook and loop closures, and I loved them. I always had a hard time getting a perfect fit with snapping diapers, and this solved the problem.

We also tried cotton prefolds, but I didn’t love the bulk.

There were a few miscellaneous things we tried, too.

bumGenius Flip disposable inserts: I got these to try with the Flip cover. These were the worst thing we tried. The inserts are extremely narrow and tend to shift and bunch inside the cover while being worn. This always resulted in an extremely soiled cover whenever poop was involved. Plus, Adam reacted to the inserts themselves. I’m assuming it was to the starch based glue they use in them.

Grobaby Bio Soaker disposable inserts: These are great. They have gusseted sides which hold in the contents, so no soiled cover problems like with the Flip disposable inserts. They are pricey, but I got them during the buy one get one free sale which I believe is still going on. The one thing I don’t like about them is the adhesive on each end. They probably work ok with the Grobaby cover, but since we couldn’t use that one I used them in other covers. The adhesive sticks like crazy, and my other covers don’t like that at all.

Thirsties Duo Cover: I’ve used this cover with both the Flip organic insert and Grobaby Bio Soaker disposable inserts, and they both work well (other than the adhesive issue previously mentioned.) This cover is fantastic, and I love the fit I can get with the hook and look closure.

I also tried a couple of new brands of disposables. Adam’s been in Huggies since the beginning, but the idea of have a diaper with fewer chemicals, etc, appealed to me. We tried both Seventh Generation and Whole Foods 365 diapers, but I didn’t like either of them. The inside of the Seventh Generation ones bunched up really badly on Adam, and the 365 ones didn’t fit him well. We even got leaks with those which is not something we’re used to with disposables. In case anyone is comparing, the Seventh Generation run much smaller than the 365. It seems that Huggies runs in the middle of the two size wise.

As much as I would have loved to have gone with the Bottombumpers full time, it’s not happening. So, we’ve been using the Grobaby Bio Soakers in the Thirsties Duo cover as well as Huggies Pull Ups. Now I’ve got to figure out what to do with my stash of cloth.

What’s funny is that after devoting all of this money and energy to the perfect diaper pursuit Adam decided this past week that he needed me to buy him some new underwear. He’s been wearing them off and on the past couple of days. I wonder if it will stick this time.

My appointment went well, though. I talked to my RE about my concerns regarding jumping back into cycling again with only one vial of sperm left. Most of our cycles only used one vial, but our last fresh used up two because they couldn’t find enough motile sperm in the first one to fertilize all my eggs (22 mature that cycle). Given that, we went over our options:

1. Cycle with our last remaining vial and fertilize as many eggs as we can.
2. Cycle using last vial but have fresh sperm retrieval on the table as backup in case frozen vial isn’t adequate.
3. Cycle using last vial but have donor sperm on hand as backup.
4. Cycle using last vial with fresh sperm retrieval as backup #1 and DS as backup #2.

I guess we could also just go ahead and plan to have Dan have surgery that day and use the fresh sperm first and use the frozen as backup. And, of course, there’s always straight to donor (which in that case we wouldn’t have to jump straight to IVF).

Then we talked about protocol should we choose to do another fresh cycle. He said we would stick with what worked (the fresh cycle that produced the embryos that we transferred in our FET that resulted in Adam.) That was microdose Lupron with all Gonal-F stim. Still on Lovenox after ET.

In order to cycle again I would need day 3 bloodwork as well as all communicable disease bloodwork redone. I would also need another hysteroscopy. Dan would need communicables. If we decide to use DS (straight away or as backup) we’d have to go to a donor counseling session.

He said we could start as soon as we wanted. I got orders for all of the bloodwork for both of us, so we can do them whenever we want.

I relayed the above to Dan when I got home. (He came home early from work to stay with Adam.) He took it all in, but he’s not really ready to discuss it all yet.

One thing I’ve learned through all of the infertility crap is how differently Dan and I process things. I remember after my miscarriage I was ready to jump into another cycle as soon as I could physically do so. It took Dan a lot longer to come around to that idea. I don’t want to push, so I’ll wait until he’s ready.

So, that’s where we are. Yes, I have thoughts on the above, but I won’t post them yet out of respect for Dan. (He reads my blog.) I think it’s important that he have space to figure out what he wants to do to without my opinions being forced upon him.

I do have to say, though, that while this is a tough decision to make, all of this pales in comparison to what we went through to get Adam. I sat in the waiting room on Wednesday wondering about the other women sitting there. I was hoping so much that their hearts weren’t hurting as much as mine did when I was there before.

There just is no comparison to before. None. My heart isn’t broken anymore, so no matter what we decide to do, no matter the outcome, it will be ok.

I pulled out my binder last week in preparation for my appointment tomorrow. A while back I went through and purged it (about the same time when I decided to give away all of my maternity clothes) but I left all of the important stuff.

It was weird to read back through it all. It brought back a lot. The ink on the paper spoke of follicle counts and E2 levels, but my mind holds the memories of all of the blood, sweat, and tears that accompanied those numbers.

I couldn’t help but smile, though, when I came across the picture of our last four embryos. One of those is Adam. It put it all in perspective.

I’m nervous about tomorrow. I keep wondering what will come of it. I honestly don’t know if Dan will agree to cycle regardless of what my RE has to say on the matter. I want that door to be open for us, though. I think about it a lot.

I really don’t know if the list of questions I printed out for my appointment tomorrow will be the last page I add to my binder or the first page of a new section. Only time will tell.

I am finding it absolutely amazing to watch him learn and grow. He surprises me all the time. A couple of weeks ago we learned that he knows his numbers 1-10 in Spanish. It’s not something we sat down and practiced. He just picked it up.

He does stuff like that a lot. Tonight he counted backwards from 10 (in English). Who knew. His brain is just a sponge.

Adam loves to explore. He loves to figure out how stuff works. I call him my little engineer. He does stuff like taking apart the vacuum cleaner and then putting it back together. His brain is so cool.

It’s been fun to watch his personality develop. When we started going to music classes a year and a half ago, he was the shy toddler who preferred to sit away from the group. Now he’s the one who gives all of the kids in class “sneak attack” hugs. He really is a total sweetheart.

He love animals, too. He loves his two kitties, and he loves seeing the neighborhood dogs out for walks. “Puppies!” He’ll pet anything that lets him.

He has limitless energy and wears me out on a daily basis. I swear, just attempting to go on a shopping trip is a challenge. “Adam, please close the door to the freezer case.” “Adam please put that down and come this way.” If there’s a knob, he needs to turn it. If there’s a door, he needs to open it. It’s good, though. I mean, aside from the frustration of not being able to buy more than five things at a time.

Things have calmed down on the medical front which is always good. The fluid in his ears is gone, so no more talk of tubes and no more visits to the ENT unless he develops a separate problem. He finished with speech therapy many months ago, and has caught up tremendously. He has a wonderful vocabulary now, speaks in sentences, and all that good stuff.

The food stuff is still an issue, but his diet has continued to expand and he is growing like an absolute weed. The kid is tall, something he does not get from me. He’s still on Neocate Jr. to make sure he’s got all nutritional bases covered, and I think we’re all fine with that at this point.

So yeah, he’s good. Every single day Adam will just come up to me out of the blue and say “Hi Mama” and give me the biggest hug ever. It doesn’t get better than that.

No, we’re not jumping into a cycle or anything crazy like that. Dan agreed with me that it would be a good idea to hear my RE’s opinion of our options. (He agreed on the condition that I don’t go scheduling anything while I’m there. He’s a funny guy, I tell ya.)

It was weird going to my clinic’s website again, talking to the receptionist again. I wonder if I’ll get that weird nervous feeling when I walk into the office again?

I honestly don’t know what will happen from here. My appointment is in three weeks. Will we cycle again? I don’t know. I just know that we owe it to ourselves to at least consider it. Whatever we decide I think we’ll feel better knowing we really thought it through.

We have one lone vial left in storage. Our bill came accompanied by a form to fill out and have notarized if we would prefer to have our sperm destroyed. Somehow we managed to avoid having a bill sent last year, so this year we got a double bill for $600. Well, that $600 question may as well be a million dollar question, because we have no idea what to do at this point.

Wasn’t your last post all about trying to come to terms with the fact that Adam will end up being an only child, you ask? Yep, it sure was. The thing is, though, that that post got Dan and me talking. We see the value in adding to our family, and I think it’s something we’d both want if the great Infertility wasn’t on the table, but that’s the hand we were dealt.

There are days when I think about how great it would be for Adam to have a sibling. I watch the family across the street playing in their front yard, the sister tickling the brother. I think about holding a newborn again, a tiny precious thing, getting to start this whole fascinating process all over again.

But then there are hard days when I don’t know how on earth I would be able to take care of another child. Adam is challenging. He’s beyond amazing, but it takes all of my energy to make it to bedtime most days.

So, I guess we’re at a crossroads. Is there even any point to contemplating using our own genes again if a time does come where we decide to try again? Would it make more sense to just choose another path from the get go?

I think about how it took 7 cycles with a total of 21 embryos transferred to get Adam, and I know I’m crazy to even think about paying the $600. We have one vile left. That’s one cycle’s worth. The odds are dismal.

But then I think about how I got pregnant all three times that I cycled with my second clinic. They’re good there. But then again, only one pregnancy took.

And then I think about how I know Dan is not going to go through another surgery. The sperm that was retrieved the first time (second surgery) is all that we’ve got.

I guess even the fact that I’m mulling this over means that I don’t consider the door fully closed. In all honestly, half of me wants to sign the form and close the door for good while the other half wants to call my RE up and make an appointment to start a cycle with our lone vial ASAP. Is it worth $600 to not have to figure it out right now? Probably.

I don’t know where to pick up really. It’s been too long. But I’ll try.

We just took a trip to spend a long weekend with my brother, sister-in-law, and their daughter, Adam’s only cousin. Every time I’m with them I feel the ping. Their daughter is 11 months old. It’s the ping of watching a little one, watching Adam interact with a little one. The ping of knowing that it’s the road not taken for us.

Before the ugly infertility monster decided to take a few good swings at us, we’d always thought we’d have 2 or 3 kids. Well, that was the fantasy. We all know how the reality turned out. 7 IVF/FET cycles=1 live birth.

That path led us to Adam, though. So, despite the ping, I’m ok with it. It’s been a process to become truly ok with it. But I think I’m there.

I see siblings playing together. I see pregnant bellies at all of our toddler activity classes. I know what’s it’s like to be able to have a sibling as an adult. But they don’t scream as loudly to me now. Oh yes, they still whisper, but they don’t scream.

It wasn’t an instantaneous process to accept that Dan has azoospermia and that our only hope of conceiving a child would be through IVF. It most certainly wasn’t an instantaneous process to accept that even if we signed check after check and I shot up drug after drug that we may or may not get a real live baby out of the deal. So, it’s not surprising that accepting that our family may not have turned out as I originally pictured has taken (is taking) some time.

Like I said, I think I’m mostly there. I know we’re a family of three. Period. And while I’ve never made an official proclamation before, our infertility journey has been over for quite some time.

So, where do I go from here? Am I going to try to figure my way through parenting via this blog? Am I going to neglect it as badly as I’ve done in the recent past? Your guess is as good as mine.

Writing about infertility was more urgent, and more interesting, too, I’m sure. I don’t have the same kind of pain or struggle now. It makes for a more pleasant life but a more boring blog.

Hmm, I wonder what the heck I’m going to do with this thing?

The first two I bought before my first IVF cycle. I found them helpful, but I do think they’re geared more towards someone just starting out in the IVF world. They are:

The Couple’s Guide to In Vitro Fertilization: Everything You Need to Know to Maximize Your Chances of Success

Conceptions & Misconceptions: The Informed Consumer’s Guide Through the Maze of in Vitro Fertilization & Assisted Reproduction Techniques

The other two I bought after I had a few cycles under my belt and was researching other options. I thought they were both really great books. They are:

Adopting After Infertility

Helping the Stork: The Choices and Challenges of Donor Insemination

So, if anyone would like one or more of them just shoot me an email (address in the sidebar,) and I’ll pop them in the mail.

*************
ETA: The first two books have now been spoken for.

So, on a lighter note, I’ve been living out my Fertile Myrtle fantasies with the Sims 3 game these days. I made my Sim’s lifetime wish to raise 5 children. Funny, huh? I even used some of my reward points to purchase a pass to the fertility clinic. Even funnier! My chick already has 3 toddlers and is pregnant again. Like I said, only in the computer.

It kind of makes me think, though. You know, about all of that fertility (or in- as the case may be) stuff. I think I’ve moved passed it as much as is possible for now. And I think that’s a good thing.

I’ll never forget, but I’m healing. You can’t go through that crap without it changing you, but it feels like a whole other life. Adam is my present. He’s just too full of life to waste energy thinking about the past.

So, what about the future? Well, we know I won’t be following in the footsteps of my Fertile Myrtle Sim. That’s a given.

I really think it’s going to be “just” Adam. There’s no “just” about him, but you know what I mean. Dan and I have already decided that we won’t be setting foot back in an IVF clinic again. It was worth every second of it to get Adam, and I’d do all of it all over again in a heartbeat, but I don’t think either of us has it in us to go through another 7 cycles. And while adoption has been discussed on and off, this whole ©ps thing throws a huge wrench into that.

The truth is, though, that even if we could be fertile myrtles, I don’t know that we would. I know that Dan and I both wanted a child so badly that we would jump through a million hoops to make it happen. Now that we’ve done our hoop jumping and have our precious one, well, I think it’s enough. He’s more than enough, actually. More than.

So, I think I’ll save my Fertile Myrtle fantasies for the computer. That’s where they belong.

It’s hard to hear that someone thinks you’re a bad mother when you know that you’ve done everything possible to insure the opposite. It’s hard to just get over having to prove that you’re a fit enough parent to have your child live with you.

I know in my heart that we have always done what’s best for Adam. I know that we know him better than anyone else. I know I’m a good mom for him. I just wish I could just get past everything that happened. I know I can’t wish it away, though. It’s going to take time to heal. We have been scarred from this. It’s just how it is.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around how all of this happened. How someone could fail us so much when we were just trying to get help.

So many things don’t add up to me. Why didn’t they talk to Adam’s local doctors who knew him and us? Why didn’t they take into account that Adam and I were both grieving for the abrupt end to breastfeeding (just 4 days before our trip) instead of assuming that Adam was developmentally delayed and I was emotionally unstable? Why didn’t they take into consideration the fact that Adam had lost significant weight from the illness that landed us both in the ER just days prior to our trip instead of assuming that he was malnourished?

Like I said, I don’t get it. Adam is thriving. He’s in the 50th percentile for weight and 75th percentile for height. His only developmental delay has been his speech, and I can’t even begin to describe the progress he’s made in the last few months. He’s catching up fast. He’s a healthy, happy little boy.

I wish I could put the hell we went out of my mind. I know the system is there for a reason, but I’ve also read numerous cases of falsely accused parents who have to jump through hoops to get their cases closed. They came right out and told us that we were guilty until we proved ourselves innocent, and that was the truth. I don’t blame them, though. They were only listening to the reports they got. They should have never gotten them in the first place.

I need to just focus on the fact that Adam is doing better now, and that’s the most important thing. He’s gaining foods. He’s growing like a weed. He’s my little miracle man, and I’d go through this hell all over again if I had to for him. He’s more than worth it.