This morning I got up and peed on another stick. Dan’s out of town right now, and if it came back negative there was no way I was going to do my own PIO shot for nothing. Yep, I’ve done them by myself before, even in a restaurant bathroom once, but it’s not exactly something I enjoy doing.

I got another damn faint line. It was impossible to tell if this faint line was darker or lighter than Wednesday’s faint line. I guess that’s the nature of the faint line, huh? Since it wasn’t negative I figured I better go ahead and shoot up, and I dutifully plunged a long ass needle into my poor lump ridden hip.

Today’s beta was 40. Now before anyone goes jumping up and down for the more than doubling from Wednesday’s 14.9, let’s just be realistic here. Yes, it’s rising, but all chemicals rise before they fall. Even my measly 7 rose to 21 in two days before it plummeted.

My very first positive beta came during IVF #2. It was a 46 at 16 days past retrieval. That’s exactly where I am right now. Did that one work out? Nope. Will this one? Most probably not.

I know some people would be encouraged by this, but I just see it as delaying the inevitable. More shot torture, more beta torture. Yes, I would love this to be a miracle, but most likely it’s just going to be more of the same hell.

I go back on Tuesday for beta #3. You think there’s any chance I can just not think about this until then? Yeah, I don’t think so either.

I packed up three bags before I went to bed: one with leftover meds to donate to other patients, one with a vast collection of unused syringes saved throughout my eight cycles, and a bag of sharps. I was all ready to bring them in, get my beta done, and close the door.

I didn’t even do my shots last night. (Obviously this comes with the “do not try this at home” disclaimer.) I knew this cycle was in the tank, and I just could not see putting myself through another night of torture for nothing.

This morning I woke up and peed on the last HPT I had bought. It wasn’t like I was ever going to have a need for it again, so I thought I might as well use it up. Result: faint line. Fuck! That’s literally what I said.

Yes, most people are happy when they see two lines. I knew better. I knew what having a negative at 12 days past retrieval and then a faint line at 14dpr means especially with my history of chemicals. It definitely deserved an expletive or two (or three).

So, I unpacked some Lovenox and PIO and shot up just in case. I was mad when I did it, but I knew I had to. And then I headed off to beta.

When I started this cycle I asked the universe for one favor, that if this cycle was not going to end with a real live baby in my arms that I just wanted a negative. No chemical/miscarriage torture. Just an uncomplicated negative.

Yes, negative betas suck so much, but they are not complex. You stop your meds and that’s it. No repeat betas, no meaningless med torture. Just “the end.”

I guess the universe didn’t get the memo, because today’s beta was 14.9. I knew it was going to be under 25, and it was. Fuckers.

No, this is not going to go anywhere good. Shall we review my past positive betas?

IVF #2: 46 on day 16 = chemical
IVF #3: 124 on day 14 = miscarriage
IVF #4: 7 on day 14 = chemical
FET #3: 153 on day 14 = Adam

So, yeah if I were some super duper lucky IVF newbie a 14.9 on day 14 might get me somewhere. Being that I’m a loss ladened vet, well you know as well as I do where this is going.

I have to go back on Friday to see which way the numbers decide to move. There’s a good chance the universe will torture me with upward motion before things go south just so this can drag out as long as possible. Let’s just all hope that’s not the case, though. This is hard enough without that.

I’m 7dp5dt. It’s not too early. If there was something viable going on those tests would have been positive. Been there, done that, on both sides of the coin.

I crawled back into bed but sleep alluded me. I cried, not the heart shattering cry that I let loose during the cycles we were trying for Adam, but more for what could have been. I wanted this, but it was not to be.

I told Dan this morning, and then I told him how mad I was that we went through all of this for nothing. It was a hard cycle for me. He said, “Yes, but we had to try.” He’s right. We did.

Adam got some extra snuggles when he got up this morning. I felt myself tearing up again while I held him in my arms, but those tears were not for this negative. No, they were tears of thankfulness. I thought about how close we came to not having him. I know how lucky we are that he’s here. He truly is our little miracle.

I’ll go in Wednesday morning for beta to make it official. The thought of two more nights of PIO torture for nothing is not appealing, but that’s just how it is.

I am sad. It’s never easy to get a negative. It’s not easy to see your life take a different path than you would have chosen. Seeing those results hurt this morning, but they also reminded me how truly, truly lucky I am.

For me the worst is right now. The wait to find out how our embryos are faring in the lab is always nerve wracking, but I’m oddly comforted by the fact that they are sitting in a dish. It’s nice to have someone peek in on them and tell you how they’re doing.

The few days following transfer really aren’t too bad for me. It feels nice to have made it past the transfer hurdle, and just dealing with possibility at that point is a welcome change for me. Since we’ll never be able to conceive without IVF, the only times things feel remotely possible are when I’ve got embryos in there.

Beta day isn’t necessarily the worst for me, because by that point I usually have a pretty good idea of at least whether things will be positive or negative. (There was that one cycle that I had a beta of 7 which threw me off, but usually I walk into beta day with at least an inkling of whether I’ll be getting a good phone call or a bad one.)

I know pee stick day is a nerve wracking one, and it always has been for me. But it’s still not the worst, because I’ve gotten to the point where I have a pretty good idea about those, too. I knew on Adam’s cycle that I’d be getting positive tests. I could just tell by that point.

So, it’s today, day 9 where things get really tough for me. This is the day where actual pregnancy symptoms have started creeping up for me in the past. It’s the day where I really start going crazy trying to analyze every twinge. I swear, I almost yelled at myself today, “Amanda, stop poking your boobs! They’re going to get sore whether or not you’ve got HCG floating around in your system if you poke them enough.” Yeah, like I said, crazy.

At least the torture is contained to my mind. My bladder is doing much better today. Thank goodness for drugs. Of course, my stomach and hips are not quite as happy with the Lovenox and PIO as my bladder is with the antibiotics, but I’ll take what I can get.

I’m really glad it’s almost the weekend. I think it will be easier to distract myself from the insanity. Well, at least a little.

I rocked in pain while trying to get Adam breakfast while praying the phone would ring. I called back twice, and finally got ahold of my nurse. She wanted me to come into the office for a UA.

By that point I did not have enough time to drive across the city (literally) and back before Adam needed lunch. So, we made arrangements for me to go to a closer lab. It was the only way I was going to get a Rx called out, so Adam and I hopped in the car.

I drove to the lab that I have been to numerous times, the last not that long ago, only to find out that they had moved. Shit! I was in agony and could only find out from some passerby that they had moved “somewhere near Wal-Mart.” Great.

I called Dan so he could look it up for me, but he was in a meeting. Thankfully he has a nice secretary who Googled the new lab location for me. After rummaging through the car to find the GPS (which Adam loves to play with) we finally found the new lab.

Ugh. What a nightmare. I picked up my antibiotic on the way home, and popped one before even hitting the driveway. Not a fun morning.

I’m assuming this came as a result of being catheterized post ET. I just want to feel better. At least I’m not in tears right now. That’s an improvement.

I’m getting this sinking feeling that I may need to get a t-shirt that reads “I did an IVF cycle and all I got was a bladder infection” when all is said and done. Joy, joy.

I know she was just doing her job, but the fact that, for the first time, we literally have nothing in the deep freeze has already been on my mind. There are no more embryos. No more sperm. This is it.

When we were cycling before to get Adam, there wasn’t a two week wait that went by that I didn’t devote at least one post to the infamous Plan B. I had to have one. That’s the only way I could get through a cycle, to know that we had some sort of back up plan in the works. We weren’t going to quit until we got our baby, so I had to know what the next step was.

Things are obviously very different now. There is no Plan B. There is no next step. Either this cycle is going to work, and we’ll have another child, or it won’t and Adam will be an only. The finality of that is weighing on me.

I went back and read through the posts of the two week waits of my last few cycles today. Boy, it’s a crazy time. I’ll admit that I’m already going a little nuts.

There are two things that make this 2ww different, the fact that this is a one shot deal and the fact that we already have Adam. Both change how I’m dealing with the wait.

I’m halfway through right now. Beta is in seven days. Pee sticks will be unveiled in five. I’ll probably have a good idea even before then. I’ve gotten pretty good at being able to tell.

So, it’s really not that long, and despite the reminders I’m trying not to focus on the empty freezer situation. We knew going into this cycle that this would be it. And we will be ok however it plays out. I’m just keeping my fingers crossed it goes the way we hope.

The other three were just multi celled, but we went ahead and threw one of those back, too, since we could transfer three. Obviously nothing will come from that one, though.

Transfer itself went smoothly which is welcome news to this wonky cervixed gal. I got some more yummy IV drugs, so all in all, it wasn’t a bad day.

Beta’s on the 10th. Any bets on me staying sane until then?

The way I understood it from my RE, I could not go above the recommendations, but it doesn’t appear that that is the case, at least how I read it.

Strict limitations on the number of embryos transferred, as required by law in some countries, do not allow treatment plans to be individualized after careful consideration of each patient’s own unique circumstances. Accordingly, these guidelines may be modified according to individual clinic conditions, individual patient age, embryo quality, the opportunity for cryopreservation, and as clinical experience with newer techniques accumulates.

Couldn’t have said it better myself. I was all prepared to go on a rant about how having a blanket policy which neglects to consider individual situations is seriously shortsighted, but it looks like I don’t have to.

So, I guess it’s good they are publishing recommendations. I understand the rational behind it. Higher order multiples are serious business. And it’s even better that there is built in leeway for specific circumstances.

It’s probably fair warning, though, that you might have to fight to transfer more than the recommended amount. It appears that this is probably the case with my RE.

All I know is that if these recommendations were in place when we cycled before, and I wasn’t allowed to transfer more even given our history, then we might not have Adam. We transferred four blasts for his cycle. To think we might have been forced to pick the wrong three is unthinkable.

So, that’s the recommendation side of things. What do I personally feel comfortable transferring? For our very first cycle we transferred two blasts because we were afraid of getting pregnant with more than twins. It’s almost laughable now, but that’s an understandable place to start.

The thing is, though, that the further down the road you get, the more lenient you become about things like the risk of multiples. You just reach the point where you want a live baby, and you’ll do whatever it takes to get one. Did I even flinch when we transferred four during our last cycle? No way. I knew we weren’t going to end up with quads. I just hoped that one would stick around.

What about now that we have Adam? Well, like a lot of things, my feelings on this subject have changed some. Before Adam, the thought of twins was exciting. What infertile wouldn’t want the 2 for 1 deal after going through so much?

Now, however, I know how hard of a time my body had carrying a singleton, and I know that more than one would be a whole lot riskier for me. Does that change how many I’m willing to transfer now?

That is a hard question. It may be a totally moot point come tomorrow should we find out we only have one or two viable embryos left. Then again, maybe we’ll get lucky and have more to choose from.

I know I wouldn’t transfer four blasts now. Then it was the right decision. Now it wouldn’t be. I would have no hesitations transferring two. Three makes me think a lot harder now, but I think that if we have just three left tomorrow then we’ll probably transfer them all.

There’s just so much to consider when you decide how many to transfer. History is a big one for me, and we obviously have a long one. There are sub parts to our history that have to be factored in, too, like the fact that I was only on treatment for the MTHFR stuff during our last two cycles, and only the last one adequately in my opinion. So, does that mean we only look at those cycles when we try to make this type of decision? It’s not easy to figure out.

I’m hoping that the decision will be made for us tomorrow based on what has/has not made it to day 5, but we’ll just have to do the best we can if it hasn’t.

So, we have (grade 4 being highest):

1- 8 cell grade 4
2- 8 cell grade 4-
1- 7 cell grade 3+
1- 4 cell grade 4- (the late guy)

I wasn’t aware of this, but apparently there have been new guidelines put in place after the whole Octomom fiasco that limit the number of embryos you can transfer based on age. Since I’m under 35, the recommendation is to transfer two. You can only go one over the recommendation if you have a history of failed cycles, so the most we could have transferred today would have been three.

When we thought we were dealing with four embryos, we had planned to transfer anything that was still viable today. I know our blast rates, and I know that transferring three or four day 3 embryos is appropriate for us given our history. (Heck, we transferred four blasts during Adam’s cycle.)

Then we found out we actually have five. We were not going to transfer five, and we wouldn’t have been allowed to even if we wanted to.

Under the current guidelines we can transfer up to three blasts, so on we go to day 5 to see which three are going to end up being the best. That’s if we have three that make it to blast. I’m not counting on that, though.

I was so mentally prepared to transfer today, and now I’m just off. I am such a planner by nature. I guess you never really can plan anything during an IVF cycle, though.

Transfer is now set for Monday at 12:30. This poses more of a logistical problem for us than a Saturday morning transfer, but we’ll work it out one way or another.

There’s more that I want to say about the transfer guidelines, how many we personally feel comfortable transferring, if that number has changed now that we have Adam, etc. I think I’ll save that for another day, though. Today I’m just going to try to adjust my brain to transferring on Monday instead of today.

Me: “Adam, what are you doing?”

Adam: “Rinsing toothbrushes in the potty.”

That’s why the number 4 makes me nervous. It’s a far cry from 43.

Yes, I know there are many, many people who found success with x number of embryos. And I know that I shouldn’t stress over numbers. See the thing is, though, that analyzing both my history and the stats of my current situation is how I deal with IVF.

I really think there are two types of IVF patients: the ones who want to know every single piece of information, who record every number along the way, and then the ones who who prefer not to get bogged down in the details, who find that the numbers make it harder. It’s not hard to guess which category I fall in.

Yes, I’m the girl who has a notebook and pen in hand any time there is an ultrasound machine within a ten foot radius. I’m the one who makes a spreadsheet so I can compare numbers between cycles. That is my way of taking what little control I can over this uncontrollable process.

Our fertilization report was actually a good reality check for me. I had, wait for it… actually started to get my hopes up. Oh, I’ve dealt with that bitch Hope way too many times, and she’s no good. Back to reality. I still want it. Really want it, but I’m trying to keep things in check now.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I’ll walk into my RE’s office tomorrow and get a great day 3 report and have a smooth transfer. Those crossed fingers are going to get me to tomorrow, but there’s no doubt that I’ll keep on worrying about having 4, because I know just how far that number is from 43.

Yesterday I just had a feeling that things were going too well. Lining good, follicles good, E2 good, sperm good. That’s just not how we roll. Something had to give.

I got my fertilization report this morning:

11 eggs retrieved
7 mature
4 fertilized with ICSI

That’s the worst fert report we’ve ever gotten, both in terms of % mature eggs and % fertilization.

IVF #1: 12 retrieved, 12 mature, 11 fertilized
IVF #2: 11 retrieved, 11 mature, 10 fertilized
IVF #3: 7 retrieved, 5 mature, 4 fertilized
IVF #4: 30 retrieved, 22 mature, 18 fertilized

So yeah, not as good this time. I was really disappointed this morning. I was hoping to have twice as many embryos as that.

I’m trying hard to be ok with it, though. Yes, things could be a lot better, but they could also be a lot worse. Four gives us a chance. Obviously not as great of one as say the lovely 18 I had last cycle, but it’s still a chance. Heck, on my other not so great cycle where we only had four to work with I got pregnant. Then again, I ended up miscarrying, so maybe that’s not the best cycle to compare this one to.

We’re scheduled for transfer Saturday morning unless they all crap out in the dish. (Oh please don’t let that happen.) I’ll get hooked up with another lovely dose of anesthesia meds thanks to my wonky cervix, so hopefully the day won’t be all bad.

This morning went well, though. It was a little odd, because while this was obviously not my first time at this, it was my first time without any hand holding. Adam was of course not invited to the party, so he and Dan did a few things in the surrounding area while I was in the office. It was ok being on my own, though.

Before I even got my IV, I got to talk to one of the lab workers. She said that they had already thawed our sperm and that it looked good. I told her I was nervous about the thaw, and she said that they were too given the situation, but that it looked like we should have enough for all of my eggs.

ER went fine. My preliminary egg report was “at least 10.” I’ll take that, for sure.

Now we wait for the fertilization report tomorrow. We’ve always had decent fert rates in the past, but I know not to get complacent when it comes to this stuff. So, we’ll just cross our fingers and hope for the best until we find out otherwise.

Tomorrow is the day that makes me the most nervous about this whole cycle. I’m not worried about retrieval. Been there, done that. Just looking forward to some yummy drugs and a little shut eye.

No, it’s the thaw that’s got my attention. We have one vial of Dan’s sperm left, and there’s no way to know if there’s going to be enough motile sperm after the thaw. They’ve had trouble finding them in the past, so there’s no reason to think the last vial is going to be any different. I really, really don’t want to have gone through this for nothing.

I don’t know if we’ll find out the state of things tomorrow or if we’ll have to wait until the fertilization report on Thursday. You can bet I’ll be asking, though.

Oh, isn’t the suspense of IVF so much fun?

The only not so great news from this morning was that my lining has shrunk. The first time it was measured it came in at 8.3mm, a full 2mm down from yesterday. I had her remeasure it, and it was 8.7mm. My lining has a tendency to do this at the end of a cycle, and it’s still over 8mm, so we’re good. It just would have been nice for it to stay at 10.

So, I get to trigger tonight at 10:00. I’m glad it’s not late, because the damn Dex has had me totally awake since 3:30 this morning. It’s back to the office tomorrow morning for post trigger bloodwork, and then I’m first up at ER on Wednesday morning at 8:30.

This cycle has been pretty surreal so far. I mean, we still haven’t told anyone we’re doing it, although I guess Dan will probably have to mention it to someone at work since he’ll be out on Wednesday.

Let’s just hope we don’t get snatched back into reality this week. The really hard parts are still yet to come.

Not so much. Things are just moving a little more slowly this cycle. I had 16 follicles visible at this morning’s ultrasound. The largest were a trio of 16mm’s. E2 was 3153. P4 was 0.9.

So, I go back tomorrow morning for another looksee. I honestly don’t know if I’ll be ready to trigger tomorrow night. It will depend not only on how much those follicles decide to grow today, but whether or not my progesterone level stays low.

I know people love the “slow and steady,” but honestly it just irks me. I want growth! Things could obviously be much worse, though. My lining still looked lovely with it’s 10.3mm triple stripe. My follicles are grouped together well in terms of size, no one’s hogging the show or lagging too, too far behind. So, things are ok, and in IVF ok is really all you can ask for, right?

I guess I’ll just keep reminding myself of that despite my whining. I’ve gotten to the “get these darn eggs out of me” uncomfortable stage, and I’m tired. I haven’t been able to sleep past 5:00 since I started Dexamethasone, and the 2 hour jaunt over to my RE’s office thanks to the vastness that is Houston is getting old. But, I’ll keep on shooting up, keep on hopping back in my car at insane hours of the morning, and just keep on keeping on until my body decides it’s going to bless me with its readiness.

Things went just fine this morning. I tried to time things so that we’d get there after the rush when monitoring begins but before my RE was off busy doing other things. It worked, because there was not one other patient there while Adam and I were there. It was a relief not to have dampened anyone’s day.

I was all prepared with a new activity book and a promise of a prize back in the car if Adam sat with me instead of running around the office like a crazy man. (He’s got an innate desire to explore!) It was pretty much unnecessary, though, because we were in and out quickly.

I did my shots when we got back to the car, and again, no big deal. Adam was busy playing with his prize, and the extent of his interaction at that point was asking what I was doing. When I told him that I needed to take some medicine he said, “Ooh, a skinny one” (I was holding the little Lupron syringe at that point) and then went back to checking out his new stuff. So, no problemo.

And as a bonus, things looked good today. My lining was 10.3mm, a complete and total record for me at this stage of the game. For someone who has struggled with lining issues, hearing “10″ is magical. I have 15 follicles in there, 10 of which were 10-14mm, 5 under 10mm. My right ovary is kicking my left one’s butt, but what ya gonna do. E2 came back at 2085.

I’m really happy with where I’m at. Things are looking pretty comparable to IVF #4, my other microdose Lupron cycle. The only real difference is that I have half the number of follicles this time. I’m ok with that, though. We don’t have enough sperm on ice to fertilize 30 eggs anyway, and I could really do without the super duper high E2 this time around.

I go back Sunday morning for another check. I’m really hoping that I get to trigger on Sunday night, but it may end up being Monday. If I trigger on Sunday then a 5 day transfer would fall on the following Sunday which would work so much better for us logistically speaking. Obviously I have no control over that, so we’ll just have to wait and see how things look.

So, the moral of the story for today is “just relax!” (I couldn’t resist. You know I don’t believe that crap one bit, don’t ya?)

Yes, I’ve been though the ropes several times before, but the big difference was that then IVF was my full time job. I cycled for 22 months straight. I was constantly on meds, going to appointments, dealing with 2 week waits, for almost 2 years. But it was doable because I looked at myself as a professional IVF patient, it was my job. I know I said many times back then that I could never have done that if I had actually had a real job, or a real life for that matter.

So now I actually have non IVF responsibilities. I am oh so glad I do, but that’s what I’m finding challenging, trying to balance the two. Life goes on even with swollen ovaries.

On that note, tomorrow I have to do something I really, really wanted to avoid doing. I have to take Adam to my monitoring appointment. I have been getting up at 6:00 to hit the road by 6:30 so I can get to the office by 7:15. That way I’m first in line for 7:30 monitoring and can get back home by 8:30 so Dan can get to work semi on time. (He usually leaves at 8:00).

It’s been working ok despite my dislike of driving in Houston rush hour traffic. Tomorrow, though, Dan has a 7:00 deposition that he has to be at. We have no family in the state and have never had a need for a baby sitter before, so we don’t have one of those either. Either Adam goes with me or I don’t go.

I remember how much it hurt to sit in the waiting room waiting to be called back for an ultrasound to see if my body was cooperating at all that cycle only to have someone’s rugrat walk into the room. I really, really don’t want to do that to someone else. Ugh.

I’ll also end up having to do my shots in front of Adam tomorrow morning, something I’ve been able to avoid up to this point. I didn’t want him to see that for multiple reasons, but again, no choice. I don’t even know what to tell him. I don’t want him thinking I’m sick, and I don’t want to tell him that we’re trying to have a baby since we probably won’t.

So that’s what I’m struggling with, trying to make this process easier for Adam, trying not to make someone else’s experience worse than it has to be, and just dealing with the day to day that is IVF on top of the day to day that is my life.

My respect for women who go through IVF has increased if that’s possible. I was lucky that I got to focus solely on IVF for so long. It’s the only way I could have made it through seven cycles. Most people, though, do their shots and head off to work and/or take care of others while they really just want to be taken care of.

So, I’ll try to juggle just like everyone else. I just hope the next couple of weeks pass by without me dropping the ball.

My hope for this cycle was to be somewhere in the middle of fresh cycle #3, my dismal cycle, and #4, my crazy high E2 cycle. I guess my body decided that was a good plan, because after two full days of stims my E2 was 255 this morning, pretty solidly in the middle of my 40 and 525 from those previous cycles. I get to stay on my 450IU/day of Gonal-F and go back Friday morning.

I had monitoring on stim day 5 during my previous cycles at this clinic, but I guess they’ve decided I don’t need it this time for whatever reason. In the past I would have worried about not getting an ultrasound before Friday, but honestly, at this point, I’m just glad I don’t have to make the drive in on Wednesday morning.

It’s pretty sad that I’m already at the point where I absolutely cannot wait for this to be over. The reality is that without IVF we don’t get any chance, so I am grateful for its existence. But when it comes right down to it, being smack dab in the middle of an IVF cycle just plain sucks.

I passed baseline with flying colors: thin lining, cyst free ovaries, low E2. My body can do suppression. No problem there. It’s the other stuff I worry about.

I had 13 antral follicles visible this morning. It does seem that my body is aware that it’s been quite a while since I’ve done this IVF thing. My last fresh cycle I had 22 antrals.

I guess this is just a chance to remind the numbers girl inside me that numbers aren’t everything. IVF #3’s 15 antral follicles resulted in 7 eggs retrieved. IVF #4’s 22 antrals resulted in 30 eggs retrieved. So, we’ll just have to see what lucky #13 can bring us.

Shooting up fun begins tomorrow with microdose Lupron, followed swiftly on its heels by the addition of Gonal-F on Saturday. Back to the office on Monday morning for an E2 check.