I regularly deal with clients who say “he made me feel angry” or “it’s because she makes me feel so sad that I did this”.  When working with couples I hear “you made me feel (angry/sad/scared/happy) when you did that.

The thing for me is that I’m not sure another person can make you feel anything.  They can invite you to feel one way or another but there is no guarantee of you responding in a particular way.  Can I really “make” someone else angry, sad or any other emotion?

Down the pub

To illustrate this I like to give the example of me walking into a pub and shouting “I’m gonna get you all!” at the top of my voice in an aggressive manner.  Some would say that this would make others feel scared but is that really the case?  I think some people would feel scared, but others would look at me and laugh, thinking I was a bit of an idiot.  Another few may take it as a personal challenge and want to hit me – feeling angry.  There may be some who look at me and feel sad for me, imagining how difficult it must be to live with such anger.

I’m sure you get my point.  By doing one particular kind of behaviour I cannot be sure of how others will respond emotionally.  I can invite them strongly to feel a certain way but how they feel may be linked to the experiences they’ve had in their childhood and how my behaviour hooks that.

The other point of view

There are people who feel strongly that my point of view is baloney!   Claude Steiner is one such individual.  In his book “Emotional Literacy – Intelligence with a heart” he states:

“Regarding emotions, we can indeed cause them in each other, and therefore we are often responsible for other people’s feelings”

Steiner goes on to give an example of when he has done this himself.  He recalls a lecture that he was giving on feelings where a man stood up and protested that we cannot make each other feel.  Steiner’s response was to shout at this man and tell him what he was saying was stupid and that he should sit down.  He then asked the man what he was feeling (which was the point of the shouting).  The man replied he felt nothing but looked flustered.  When Steiner asked the rest of the audience how they felt they recounted a range of emotions from embarrassment to sadness for the man who had been shouted at.

In many ways this illustrates my point well.  I believe we can give out strong invitations for people to have a feeling response but have little control over what that response might be.

Power and feelings

The reason why I challenge my clients to change their speech pattern from “he made me feel” to “I feel” is because I believe that “he made me feel” gives something important away.   Power is being given to someone else.  If other people can make you feel whatever they like then you are at the whims and mercy of others.  This, quite frankly, sounds exhausting!  It just does not sound like a healthy way to live your life.

Saying “I feel” takes the power back.  It’s saying I own my feelings, I am responsible for them and I can do something about them.  I can choose my response to them.

My experience is that when clients make this leap, from giving others power over their feelings to taking responsibility for them, change starts to happen.  They start to believe in themselves.  They start to understand that they have a say in how they live their lives and having feelings is OK.  They take one step closer to being autonomous.

What do you think about this article?  Please comment below.  Do you think other people can “make you feel?”  Am I talking utter rubbish?  Please comment below.

It’s normal practice for a transactional analyst to be listening out for talk of these four options when working with a client.  It’s important that this talk is brought into awareness and discussed because the therapist has a responsibility to keep the client and those around the client safe.  This duty of care requires that the therapist invites the client to close the escape hatch when it is detected.

How are escape hatches closed?

The usual way a therapist will close escape hatches is by asking the client to state clearly that they will not kill themselves/harm others/go crazy within a set period of time.  This may be an agreement that they will not ever do this, or for those clients that are having very strong feelings, especially around suicide, they may contract to stay alive until the next session.  The therapist can then contract with them in the new session for the next week, and progress week by week, hopefully moving the client on during the sessions to where the escape hatch can be closed on a longer term basis.

An important part of the escape hatch process is that the client is making a positive decision from an Adult place (an Adult ego state in TA terms) and is demonstrating to themselves that they have some power over their own lives.  For some clients, who feel that they are at the whims and mercy of others, this may in itself be a big step.

Do we all have escape hatches?

I guess the answer to that is “yes”.  Whether we allow ourselves to have them open or not is a different question.  There is a difference between being aware of ways in which we deal with tragic situations and making that clear decision never to kill ourselves, harm others or go crazy.  It also occurs to me that this decision may also change depending on our life circumstances.  If you were diagnosed with a terminal illness and you knew you were going to face immense pain and discomfort as part of your demise could you honestly say that suicide would not be an option?  It makes sense to me that people in such extreme circumstances would at least think such options through as a possibility.

Where do we make decisions around escape hatches?

Berne would say that the decision around whether to have our escape hatches open and which way we think is the best way of exiting is decided as part of our script.  Script decisions are made early in life (between the ages of birth and six) and we spend the time from making them until early adulthood adjusting and refining them.

Other ideas around escape hatches.

Mark Widdowson, in his book “Transactional Analysis – 100 key points” talks about this idea that it’s often difficult to draw clear lines around escape hatches and I see his point.  For me, as a psychotherapist, it’s easy to spot an open escape hatch if the client that is sat in front of me is talking about, say, suicide.  I can intervene, talk it through with them and invite them to close the escape hatch.  But how should I deal with a client that routinely overeats?  What about smoking?  These too are ways in which we do ourselves harm, albeit on a longer term less obvious basis.

As a therapist I believe it is my responsibility to point these methods of self-harm out too, but I may not contract with a client to change this behaviour specifically (ie, close this escape hatch).

Escape hatches are an interesting and important issue that therapists have to be aware of but, as with all things, are not necessarily as clear cut as they may first appear to be.

Do you have questions around escape hatches?  Please let me know what you thought of this blog post and any opinions you have on escape hatches in the comment space below.

Where does negative self talk come from?

So how do people learn to put themselves down?  What prevents the more positive talk to self?  There are many theories so here are a couple that make sense to me.

As we grow up things don’t always go as planned. When things go wrong children have to make sense of it.  Let’s take an example of parents separating.  This may be a difficult situation for a child to rationalise and so they have to decide who was at fault.  But the child has a problem.  If she decides that it’s the parents at fault then this leaves her being looked after by people who are getting things wrong and this is a direct threat to her own survival.  This only leaves one option.  It must be her that is at fault and that has caused the breakdown in relationship – she must be a bad person.

The child may not make this  decision on a deliberate, conscious level.  It may be that these decisions are made out of awareness but sit in the subconscious dripping poison into the mind.

Parental Messages

Another way that negative self talk could arise is through much more direct messages from our parents.  These may be overtly stated e.g: “why do you always get things wrong” or “you’re so lazy and useless”, or they may be covert in that achievements and successes of the child are ignored and negative behaviours or failures gain attention.  This is sending a message to the child of “I expect you to get things wrong because I know you’re not a worthwhile person”.  Once more it’s difficult for a child to decide that their parent is wrong because to children this is an inconceivable concept – parents always get things right don’t they?

So clients in this situation find it difficult to work out how to become positive. One Transactional Analysis expert that has spent a great deal of time studying this area and who has investigated how to help people become positive self talkers is Claude Steiner.  Steiner is one of my favourite Transactional analysts and I would encourage you to go over and read his many free books on his website which you can find here.

Steiner explains that the negative talk starts as an external influence that is forced on us by powerful people in our childhood.  He goes on to say that this voice is internalised and may even help us survive as children.  This voice may seem useful to us but the reality is that as adults it holds us back, costs us self esteem and belief in ourselves and diminishes our ability to live happy fulfilled lives.

How to drop the negative self talk and be more positive.

You often hear of positive self talk in sport situations but how do we apply this to everyday life?  Here’s a few suggestions on how to talk more productively to yourself.

Firstly, realise that the voice in your head saying negative things is not telling you the truth.  It’s information is historical and from another source that is not you.  The negative self talk you are hearing is lying to you.  It can be useful to use distancing techniques to overcome the negative self talk you are hearing.  I have written a post here about doing this and it may be useful to give it a read. Distancing yourself from the negative self talk, understanding that you are not your thoughts, can help some people enormously.

Therapy helps

The next suggestion is that you talk about your negative self talk to others.  You lay it out there openly and discuss it with someone who will listen without prejudice and help you see that the negative self talk is untrue and in many cases, ridiculous.  A good therapist or counsellor is an excellent resource to help you do this as they are trained to pick up the negative self talk when it slips out of your mouth without realising it and point it out to you.

Positive affirmations

Another great technique involves actively being positive with yourself.  Repeating affirmations in the mirror can be a powerful way of reminding yourself that you are a worthwhile, OK human being.  Look at yourself and say out loud “I am important”  or whatever other idea you have difficulty dealing with.  Be ready for the negative self talk to click in and tell you that it is not true and make the decision that when you hear that voice you will either ignore it or tell it to eff off! (another Steiner suggestion).

Steiner suggests that a key part of loving yourself is around giving love to others in an honest and straight way.  By loving others we can love ourselves better.  This may involve battling with the stroke economy  – that ability that we all have to reject nice things said to us and accept the horrid.  If you are aware of this though you have more of a choice.  You can choose to reject the negative messages you tell yourself.  You have power.

If you have a big problem with negative self talk and lack of self esteem then I would advise you to work with a counsellor or therapist to support you in change.

Please use the comments section to tell me about your experience with negative self talk.  Do you suffer from low self esteem?  Have your conquered your lack of belief in yourself?  Let me know below your thoughts and opinions on how to give negative self talk a good kicking!

Couples counselling Stockport

Couples or marriage counselling is a field that I have a great deal of experience and training in.  It’s also something that I really enjoy doing.  I’m afraid I’m one of a small number of therapists that feel this way about couples work.  Many of my therapy colleagues dislike and actively stay away from couples therapy and if you look at how the average therapist is trained to work with couples it’s easy to understand why.

Why are there so few therapists offering couples counselling Stockport?

Most therapists undergo a formal training in order to become qualified.  This usually consists of 100 hours of therapy training for 4 years – 400 hours in total.  On top of this trainee therapists gain practise “on the job” and often have CPD in areas of therapy that they are interested in.  Out of these 400 hours, I spent 7 dealing specifically with couples and how to work with them.  That’s less than 2% of my total formal training dedicated to couples.

When I started practicing as a therapist I decided that I would take the plunge and work with couples.  There was something exciting about the idea and I wanted to help as many groups of people as I could.  Within two or three sessions I had no doubt that I needed a good model to support me in this work.

Why I felt I needed to get in depth training for marriage counselling.

Picture if you will a couple arguing heatedly on the sofa before me whilst I looked on in amazement and complete uncertainty of what to do or how to intervene!  I had a problem of numbers.  I had been trained to work effectively with one person but in front of me there was two.  What’s more, these two people did not seem to like each other very much and were inviting me at every opportunity to decide which of them was right.  They wanted me to be judge and juror to their marriage and I had no desire to be either.

Feeling so impotent and useless as a therapist only armed with a model aimed at individuals was a horrible feeling.  I went on a mission to find some quality training as a couple’s therapist. This was also not an easy task.  For whatever reason, there seems to be a shocking lack of provision to train therapists to work with couples in the UK.  Maybe this is a reflection of the perceived lack of demand, or the belief that Relate has it all sawn up, I’m not sure, but it took me a good while to find a course that I liked the look of and gave me the training I so seriously needed.

Imago Relationship Therapy

The training I went for was Imago Relationship Therapy.  Imago Relationship Therapy is a modality of therapy with couples work at its heart. Individuals can have Imago Relationship Therapy but it is primarily designed for couples.  It is a theory of how couples choose each other and what they need to do to “get the love they want”.

Imago Relationship Therapy is big in the States and has some heavy weight celebrities promoting its effectiveness including Alanis Morrisette and Oprah Winfrey, who rated the interview she did with Harville Hendrix, the founder of Imago Relationship Therapy, as one of her all-time top ten favourites (catch it here if you want to see what she was on about).

I studied Imago Relationship Therapy for a year, over 100 hours of some of the best training I have ever had.  The training gave me a great model to use when working with couples and removed any fear that I had about being impotent.  Now when working with couples I know exactly what I am doing and am sure that the Imago Relationship model has something positive to offer them.  I see the Imago theory as a great way to revolutionise the way a relationship can be had and have seen the impact it has had on many, many couples I have worked with.

Do all couples benefit from marriage guidance?

Not that every couple that comes to me leaves holding hands and skipping into the sunset!  Unfortunately some couples seek therapy far too late and years of bitter resentments and emotional wounds prove too big to heal.  Sometimes these couples decide to separate. Even in these situations I see the decision to seek therapy as a positive one.  It may take a couple of hours of therapy for some couples to realise that they are just not prepared to put in the effort needed to change their relationship and they would rather separate.

This brings me on to the next truth about couples counselling Stockport.  If you want to change the way you relate to your partner then you are going to have to do things differently.  As Albert Einstein famously said, a good definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Get ready to put in some work

Imago Relationship Therapy gives you a new way of connecting with your partner.  It will demand effort and energy both during the therapy sessions and back in everyday life.  I’m convinced it can be a catalyst to change and that it provides a safe, structured way to connect with your partner and start listening to what they have to say.

Lastly, I want to say that there are other methods of Couples counselling out there.  There is the more traditional model of therapist on one side and couple on the other.  The couple talk to the therapist individually about what’s going on for them in the relationship whilst the other partner listens.  At some stages the therapist may encourage the couple to talk to each other and act as a mediator.  This is very different to Imago and the way that I work.  If you come to me for couple’s therapy then within two or three sessions (once you have learnt the Imago Dialogue process) the amount that you hear from me has trailed off to about 10 minutes per session spread over the hour.  You will talk to your partner and use the structure of Imago Dialogue to do this.  There is no one more important in the room.  My job will be to help you to do this by gently nudging you in the right direction now and again.  I am also there to keep the dialogue safe so both partners can really hear each other and are not feeling defensive or under attack.

What’s your experience with couple’s therapy?  Have you got a question about how I work?  Please comment under this post about your ideas and feelings around this topic.

Thanks for reading and you can email me at couples counselling Stockport by using my contact form.

Counselling Stockport

It’s been a while since I have written a blog post and so I thought it might be useful to bring things up to date on what’s going on with me providing counselling Stockport.  I hope this helps those who are unsure of who I am or how counselling or therapy can help them.  In this post I also want to answer the most common questions I get asked about the counselling process.  Please email me using my contact form if you have any questions I do not answer in this post.

Who am I?

My name is Ian Tomlinson and I am a counsellor in Stockport.  I have run Manchester Psychotherapy for the last four years and enjoy being a therapist immensely.  I also work part time as a teacher in Secondary Education and feel that this fits very well with my role as a therapist.

Both jobs are about relationships, both jobs are about bringing the best out in people and both jobs require empathy, kindness and a good sense of humour.  It’s pretty common for therapists to work part time and this may well be something to do with the solitary nature of the job.  Full time therapists have the potential to be on their own a lot and need to plan strategies to deal with this.

For me, I have a close group of colleagues that I work with on a daily basis and around seven hundred little people that are very happy to “keep things real” for me!

Counselling Stockport For Individuals

My Practice is currently about 50% individuals work and 50% couples work.  I tend to work with people over a long period of time but I have worked with clients for as little as eight weeks and they have experienced massive change and not needed to come to therapy after that.

I guess this answers a commonly asked question, “how long will I need to be in therapy for?”  The answer is often “as long as you need to be”.

I have found with my own therapy that sometimes I am in the right place for it and it helps enormously and at other times I feel that I have taken what I need from it and it is time to stop.  You will know when the time to stop is right for you.

There are occasions where I will suggest to a client that they are ready to stop coming.  When we have worked effectively and made the changes set out in the therapeutic contract then it could be time to give therapy a rest for a bit and recalibrate.

What issues do I work with when providing counselling Stockport?

Again, this is another common quesiton from people who are interested in coming for counselling in Stockport with me.  I have dealt with a whole spectrum of issues, from depression, stress, anxiety, gender identity, anger management issues, jealousy and other’s I have probably forgotten to put in the list!

Often what a client comes with and what we end up talking about are very different.  This is because our stresses and strains can manifest themselves in a multitude of ways.

Men’s issues

I do spend a lot of time working with men and men’s issues.  Many men find talking to a counsellor challenging in itself, so to be able to talk to a male therapist takes some of the anxiety away.  I have blogged extensively about how rubbish us men can be at dealing with emotional issues and unfortunately it does cost us dearly.  Suicide rates amongst young adult males are the highest out of all other groups and the prison population is over 90% male.  The sooner we are able to learn that the most powerful men are those that can deal with their emotions effectively, the better.

I regularly work with sexual minority clients too.  Gay men and lesbians form a significant percentage of my client base and I am a gay affirmative therapist.  This means that I will never question an individuals sexuality and see gay and straight as normal as each other (what is normal anyway?).  I have a good understanding of issues faced by the LGBT community and am used to dealing with these.  It may be that sometimes, as a straight man myself, I need information from my clients to help me with understanding the finer details of an issue or situation, but I find I learn from all my clients and this is one of the most enjoyable parts of being a therapist for me.

How to start

So if you were to want to come to my counselling Stockport service then what should you do?  Firstly get in contact by ringing me on 07966 390857 or email me using my contact form.  From there we will have an initial meeting and I will ask you what brings you into therapy and how you think I can help you.  You will have an opportunity to ask me any questions you have about who I am or how I work and I will talk through the business contract and ask you a few standard intake questions (name, address, doctors address – the usual therapy stuff).

From there we will go on a journey together.  I won’t be telling you what to do or what to think but I may challenge negative beliefs you have had for years or give alternative ways of doing things.

With some clients I will be very structured and provide a clear framework, others require time to explore what’s going on for them and time to reflect.

Take a leap of faith – it may change your life.

Going to a counsellor or therapist in Stockport can require serious bravery.  I can remember skulking around the front door of my first therapist, not sure of what I would find but with a deep need to talk to someone about things that were going on for me that were causing me great anxiety.  I could see myself repeating the same negative patterns in my life and I was fed up of shooting myself in the foot.

Therapy changed my life.  It gave me a new way of seeing the events that had taken place and a new way or relating to the most important people in my life.  The counselling I had made such an impression that I got interested in the subject and here I am, nearly twenty years later, helping others change their lives.

So take a leap of faith, give me a ring on 07966 390857 and make an appointment.  I get that you may be nervous and I can assure you that I will look after you throughout the process.

How has counselling made a difference to your life?

If you are reading this post having experienced counselling please comment below and let me know how it made a difference to you.  What was the key moment for you?  What would you say to others who are unsure about picking up the phone and making an appointment?

If you have any questions about me and the counselling Stockport service please get in touch and I will get back to you qucikly.

Public speaking anxiety is a real problem.  This is a guest post written by Ryan Rivera, I strongly recommend you check out his website at www.calmclinic.com.  Ryan Rivera suffered from severe anxiety, and public speaking only made it worse. He shares tips on reducing all anxiety on his site.

Back in my youth, it wasn’t just public speaking that caused me anxiety. I had anxiety sitting in a chair doing nothing, occupied by nothing by my own thoughts. So when it came to public speaking, it was more than just anxiety. It was terror. Public speaking was like standing in front of a firing squad, except I wanted them to fire so the entire experience would be over.

So it’s no wonder that when I started to combat my anxiety, one of the hardest fears to overcome was public speaking. It’s everyone’s fear, and it’s arguably one of the most problematic social phobias that exist in the world today.

What to Do to Reduce Your Public Speaking Anxiety

There’s some good news, and some bad news. The good news is that the best methods to reduce anxiety are relatively easy to understand. The bad news is that they are harder for people to implement, and often take time and dedication in order to reduce them completely.

Before the Big Day

• Practice

I’m almost embarrassed to list this one, but let’s be honest, how much do you REALLY practice? Do you read your notecards one or two times? Do you practice one or two times all the way through the speech? I, myself, would read through the entire speech with an audience of someone I trust three times, and consider that a victory. But why three? That number is completely arbitrary. You can always practice more, and if you’re concerned about being nervous, you should. The more you practice, the more comfortable you’ll be with the entire speech, and the easier it will be for you to find your place if you get nervous/lost.

• Relaxation Strategies

My personal favorite thing to do before a speech is to integrate relaxation strategies. I remember I had to give this large speech in front of an audience of potential clients for a project I was working on, and a few days before the speech began I started to feel unspeakably nervous. So I decided to integrate my relaxation techniques. My own personal techniques were to use autogenic training and deep breathing (two well-known relaxation strategies). Both take only a few minutes. I also found skipping stones to be soothing, so I head to a nearby park to skip stones. There are plenty of pre-made relaxation strategies, but if you find something that relaxes you (that is healthy for your mind and body), you should use it.

• Sleep Well

Physical anxiety can actually lead to real anxiety. I’ve done a good job controlling my anxiety over the course of my life, but if I don’t get a full night’s sleep, it still comes back once in a while. Always make sure you’re sleeping well before a big speech or presentation.

The Day of the Speech

One of the things I’ve found most interesting is that on the day of any presentation I almost always woke up feeling completely alert. It was like my body wanted me to be ready for the big day. But then, as usual, the fear started to creep in.

On the day of the speech, the best thing you can do is prepare everything you need. Make sure you’ve set up your physical space, and that all of the papers you need are in place. You should also eat a healthy meal, make sure you’ve had enough water, and continue any relaxation exercises you can complete as you prepare for the speech. The big day is already there, so the key is trying to avoid allowing the anxiety to increase its intensity too strongly.

During the Speech

Here’s a handy little tip I learned from two different public speaking appearances – always start strong. Public speaking involves a lot of rhythm, so you need to make sure you start your speech loud and clear. My tendency when I was suffering from more anxiety was to start quietly and hope I felt more comfortable over time. That never works. Start loud, like you’re ready to deliver the speech and you’re more likely to get into the rhythm.

After the Speech

For those with fear of public speaking, the biggest problem isn’t always before the speech – it’s after. You spend the next hour going over every “um” and trying to re-imagine the faces in the audience to see how bored or annoyed they were. But these types of negative thoughts only contribute to public speaking anxiety, and not only are they not helpful – they’re often not true, and had no effect on your speech.

So rather than focus on anything negative about your speech, take out a piece of paper and write about all of the things you went well. It doesn’t matter if you cried on stage from the fright – chances are there are aspects of the presentation you did very well, and you should focus on those, since in the long term those are the only aspects of public speaking that are important.

Also, continue to address any additional anxiety you have, especially if you have an anxiety disorder. I know that my anxiety outside of public speaking drastically influenced my public speaking anxiety, so in a way, combatting my everyday anxiety was contributing to my ability to speak.

Becoming a Great Public Speaker with low public speaking anxiety

You can’t expect to be a great public speaker overnight. But you can use the above tools to make public speaking easier and, over time, you’ll find that you no longer experience much public speaking anxiety at all.

I’ve been a therapist now for some time and I’ve always thought we in the UK have had a bad attitude to mental health issues. The general “stiff upper lip” approach has been accepted as the norm in most areas of British Society. Unfortunately, this has led to people finding it difficult to get over the stigma of seeking help for mental health issues and suffering in silence, in some cases, for decades.

Our poor attitude to mental health.

If you fell over and broke your leg then you would take yourself to the hospital and receive medical attention, probably have a cast on for a while and then be right as rain. Can you imagine if you applied the same attitude that is shown to mental health issues like depression or stress to this physical condition?

“You don’t need to go to the hospital with that broken leg, pull yourself together – you’ll be alright in a few days!” or
“I can’t believe he has taken time off work just because his foot is facing the wrong direction. We’ve all had leg problems and most of us just get on with it.”

It sounds ridiculous when you apply it to such a physical ailment and it would be unbelievable for anyone to comment in such a way, so why do we do that with mental health issues?

Time To Change

I guess this is exactly what the “Time To Change” campaign is asking and I think, slowly, attitudes to mental health issues are changing for the better. I find it fascinating that when people discover that I’m a therapist, many of them “come out” as having had therapy themselves. Most of them tell me what a life saver it was for them and feel that it was an important part of their lives.

I find it interesting that the same people are a great deal more reluctant to discuss this with family or friends, and mentioning it to their work colleagues is an out and out no no.

Do Men Suffer Most?

Out of the two sexes I think men suffer from this problem the most. Us men have this idea that we need to “be strong”, especially around other men. Being seen to need help and support with mental health issues is tantamount to cashing in your masculinity for a frilly skirt and high heels. How badly we get things wrong at times!

I love Claude Steiner’s idea in “The Other Side of Power” that to be in touch with your feelings and to be able to express them appropriately is what makes us all truly powerful. To be able to seek help when we need it whether it’s for a broken leg, depression or stress is one important way we can look after ourselves. And it’s only by looking after ourselves that we can look after others. A fully functioning healthy adult is much more capable at serving loved one’s needs than someone with their own internal battles going on.

Time to Change Our Attitude To Mental Health

I fully support the governments “Time To Change” campaign. I would encourage all those (like me) who have had help with mental health issues to “come out” and talk about it openly. It’s time to change. Let’s start to break down this limiting belief that needing support for our mental health issues is some sign of weakness, because in my opinion, it’s the opposite. Those that have the presence of mind and the self-belief to do this are the strong ones. It’s time to change.

Most individual clients make an enquiry when a situation has built up over some time and they no longer want to deal with the pain this causes. They want to change their life for the better and so they seek a counsellor or therapist to support them with the change they want to make. The feel of these enquiries is often considered and as if the individual is preparing to go on a journey of discovery.

Couples Counselling Call

Contrast this with the typical couples enquiry. Often one member of the couple contacts me and there is a real feeling of urgency. They often want to see me right now, no waiting around, as it is an emergency. They need fixing and it has to happen yesterday! It’s not uncommon for them to phone me without agreement from their partner and the appointment is later cancelled or not attended because the other partner refuses to come.

It makes sense to me that this is how couples counselling enquiries often are. It is easy to pretend that things will work out with your partner if you just keep trying and trying and many people are good at pretending that eventually things will turn out OK if you both just try one more time.

Unfortunately, if partners are not communicating effectively with each other then it’s easy for one partner to be putting a huge amount of effort in and the other partner quietly constructing an escape plan to exit the relationship. When that escape plan is put into action the call goes into the therapist and therapy is demanded RIGHT NOW!

Don’t Panic!

I’m not saying that therapy is a waste of time at this stage of the relationship breakdown. There may be hope, and if both partners are willing to do things differently couples counselling may work and the relationship can be saved. If one partner has decided to exit the relationship though there is often little that a therapist can do.

I tell you this not to depress you but to explain that the best time to go to couples counselling is before the relationship gets into dire straits. This way, neither partner has made decisions about exiting the relationship, both partners are more able to hear the other empathetically and real work can be done to improve the relationship, often to a deeper level than ever before.

What if you are in the “emergency” zone?

If you fall into the “emergency” category I would still encourage you to contact a good therapist with training and experience of working with couples. The therapist will be able to facilitate a proper, honest discussion between you and your partner.

When I work with clients who are in this position (and I have worked with a many, many of them) I teach the Imago Dialogue process first, which means that both partners get a chance to talk to the other honestly and the other is able to listen fully and truly hear what their partner has to say. This in itself can make a huge amount of difference. There is usually one partner who does the talking and often dominates the conversation whilst the other listens, withdraws and figures things out by themselves as they feel that they will be bulldozed if they speak. This is not allowed in my consulting room. Both partners will speak and both partners will listen, it’s just how the Imago Dialogue process works. My job is to keep both partners safe.

As Imago Relationship Therapy is about emphasizing the positives as well as addressing the negatives in the relationship I will encourage the couple to talk about the great things in their relationship and things they will really miss if they do decide to break up. This often has the effect of reminding both partners what they love about each other and increases the chance they will stay together. The events of the past can be put into context and long-term thinking can begin.

Call me for couples counselling

If you need help in your relationship and you want to work with a therapist who has had specific training to work with couples (which, I have to say is rare) then you can contact me on 07966 390857 or use my contact form on this website to see if there are any couples counselling spaces available.

What is the Drama Triangle?

The Drama Triangle was created by Steven Karpman as a different way of looking at Berne’s Game theory. Karpman suggested that there are three roles that people can take when they play games:

Persecutor – Persecutors take the “I’m OK, you’re not OK” position. They bully, snipe, bitch and intimidate others.

Rescuer – The Rescuer also takes the “I’m OK, you’re not OK” position but the feel is very different. Rescuers “take care” of others whether the other person wants looking after or not. They presume that others do not have the ability to do things for themselves.

Victim – Victims take the “I’m not OK, You’re OK” position. They look for others to either “look after” them or pick on them.

So, which one are you? If you’re like the rest of us then you’re probably all of them! You are, however, likely to favour one of these Drama Triangle positions over the others.

All three of these roles are inauthentic – that is, they are based on the past ideas and beliefs that the individual has formed about themselves and others throughout childhood. The positions are likely to confirm script beliefs and are responding to past events rather than the here and now.

Let’s just take a minute to think about that for a while. If I’m treating someone like a Victim and I am Rescuing them, then that has probably more to do with my beliefs formed in my childhood than the needs of the person I am Rescuing. The here and now reality of the situation is ignored (discounted) and I just carry out those actions that have been programmed into me as a child. The great thing about that program is that we wrote it and we can change it. I think it is this program that gets revealed to clients I explain the Drama triangle to. On seeing the program they can decide whether it is useful anymore and how it needs to be altered. The process of psychotherapy then supports and facilitates the changes the client wants to make.

The diagram used to show the relationship between these positions is drawn like this:

The important thing to see here is those arrows going in both directions. When playing games an individual tends to move around the triangle taking all of the roles at different times.  We dance around the triangle with our opposite number taking on all of the roles.

Here’s an example of a conversation between two people that demonstrates the triangle nicely.

Jamie: Why are you late again? You’re always late for everything and I’m sick of it! (persecutor)

Lesley: I’m really sorry, I forgot to set my alarm. Please don’t be mad at me. (victim)

Jamie: Well you’re stupid and inconsiderate. I’ve no idea why I put up with you! (persecutor)

Lesley: It’s not as if you are perfect. Stop shouting at me now otherwise you will regret it! (persecutor)

Jamie: OK, OK. Calm down. I didn’t mean to upset you. (victim)

Lesley: Well you never help me with my lateness so what do you expect? (Persecutor)

Jamie: OK, so from now on I will set your alarm for you and make sure you get out of the house on time. (Rescuer)

Note how the positions change, and when one player moves position that invites movement of the other player.

When is a rescue a Rescue?

The convention is to capitalize the R when discussing the drama triangle type of Rescuing, Persecuting or Victim to distinguish it from the non-drama type. The difference is that when a game-playing Rescue takes place then the Rescuer is usually doing something that they do not really want to do but they think that they “ought” to. A Rescue also involves a discount of self or other (as all the positions in the triangle do). In the example above, Jamie is discounting the ability of Lesley, who is an adult, to set an alarm clock. Also, Jamie really does not want the added stress of making sure that Lesley is not late any more but feels obliged to “help” Lesley with this. The ideas that Jamie should do this will have been formed in childhood and are part of her script beliefs.

Why do we play on the Drama Triangle?

We dance round this triangle for the same reason that we play games; we want to get our needs met but we are often too scared to ask for what we want directly. Asking for what we want, being intimate with others, feels dangerous and there is the highest risk that we may be rejected so we take one step down and play games instead to attempt to manipulate others into giving us what we want without being explicit.

The cost of doing this can be high. Each position has its own payoff and these often reinforce the beliefs about self. For example, in the script above, Jamie may once again see that her needs are not important and that she has to look after others to be OK. This leaves her feeling angry and uncared for.

How do we step off the Drama Triangle?

The solution is simple. Step off the triangle by being intimate with those you talk to. This can be carried out simply by using Steiner’s “action-feeling” statements.
The first transaction from Jamie may then have looked like this:

Jamie “When you turn up late I feel angry and annoyed. In future I would like you to turn up on time or ring me to let me know you’ve been held up”.

This statement invites Lesley to think about her behaviour and how it’s had an impact on Jamie. It invites Lesley to stay in Adult ego state and be empathic to Jamie’s needs.

What’s the next step?

I think the next step is to become aware of the ways in which you are dancing on the drama triangle. Notice which positions you take more often. Do you take different positions with different people? How does your drama triangle position connect with your experiences in childhood? When you have gathered this information you can decide to do things differently. Whenever we do things differently there is likely to be feelings that come up for us so seek out a close friend or family member you can talk this through with or work with a therapist to help you make the changes you want.

What do you think about the drama triangle? Do you have great strategies to get yourself off the triangle into closer connection? Please comment on your Drama Triangle experiences using the space below.

I have written an article introducing passivity before that may well be worth reading as a prelude to this post. If you want to read that you can click here to be taken to it. What you read here is my interpretation of the Schiffs paper “Passivity” (TAJ 1:1 1971). The Schiffs did some ground breaking work on passivity and TA therapists have been using it and interpreting it ever since.

I want to write about passivity because I can see it in so many clients’ lives. I can also see it clearly in my own. By confronting passive behavior we can change, grow and achieve our goals. It’s often passivity that holds us back from getting what we want.

Passive Behaviours

The Schiffs identified four behaviours that were particularly passive. This is useful to us because when we can see that we are behaving in a similar way we can wake ourselves up, shake ourselves down and choose to behave differently.

Passive behaviour 1 – Doing Nothing

You can’t get much more passive than doing nothing eh?! Well as the Schiff’s see it there are two ways in which you can do nothing. The first way is to have a problem and then to passively not respond to that problem. Imagine a rabbit in the headlights sort of scenario. Quite often when people are in this place they say “I can’t think” or “I’m confused” – a survival response clicks in.
If you are doing nothing in this way it is likely that you will feel uncomfortable and anyone who attempts to help you with this is likely to get dragged in and end up doing nothing too.

The second way of doing nothing is not passive behavior. You can decide to do nothing. This is from an Adult place and there is an active decision to do nothing. In this scenario you will probably not feel uncomfortable because you have taken action. The action you have taken is to decide to do nothing!

Passive behaviour 2 – Over Adaptation

Over adaptation is when you do not work out what your goal is when attempting to solve a problem but instead you try to achieve what you believe is somebody else’s goal.

Here is an example. Frankie and Benny are deciding what to see at the cinema.

Problem: Which film to go and see.

Frankie’s response: “I’m not at all bothered – I guess you would like to see the Cowboy film so let’s go see that”

Benny’s response: “Yep – I would like to see that film so if you are happy let’s do that.”

Only Frankie hates cowboy films and spends the next hour and a half feeling very annoyed that he has to sit through one.

Frankie’s over adaptation was very hard to detect because he made no indication of what he wanted to do. As a result he had to suffer a film he knew he would dislike. If he had been more active in the decision about what film they both saw and discussed it he would have found out that Benny also loves Science Fiction and would have been happy to see the new Star wars movie that Frankie really wanted to see.

Passive behaviour 3 – Agitation

When we feel agitated we do things that are pointless and have nothing to do with the goal we are trying to achieve. We usually feel uncomfortable and confused.

We behave this way because we are defending the symbiosis we have formed with another against a threat (if you are unsure of what symbiosis is read my first post here). We know we could solve our problem by taking action but we just don’t feel adequate enough to grab the bull by the horns and do it.

What’s also can be present is the belief that what we are doing is actually achieving something. This fits in with the idea of grandiosity discussed in the last article.

The agitated person needs another individual to step in and give clear instructions as to what to do. This restores them to a overadapted place which is far less serious. The difficulty with agitation is that if it is not dealt with it can esculate into the next stage of passive behaviour: violence.

Passive behaviour 4 – Violence or Incapacitation

When I read this stage I couldn’t get my head round how violence was passive behaviour – surely it’s the ultimate in doing something right? Wrong, when we become violent we actually change nothing. It is the release of energy built up from passivity.

Violence does not require thinking and no responsibility is taken for it. Just think of the way people describe their violence after the event;

“He made me so mad I couldn’t help myself hitting him”
“I punched the wall because I was so frustrated”

Quite often after the violence, once all of the energy has been released and they have calmed down, the person is quite able to have a rational conversation about what happened.

Violence is a grandiose act and really buys into the idea that “I can’t stand it any more” – a great example of a passive statement.

How can knowing all of this help me?

I think the first benefit of knowing this information is being able to identify passive behavior in yourself. If you can identify that you are acting passively then you can decide (make an active decision) whether you want to continue doing this or act differently.

In order to do this you may find it useful to track your feelings about a situation. Your feelings hold the key to what is going on. It may go something like this:

I feel ill at ease about something that is going on in my life.

I sit for a minute or two and just track my feelings. What am I feeling? Where am I feeling it (in my body)? Is this a common feeling that reminds me of something from my past?

If the feeling is agitation then does this have something to do with inaction? Am I feeling very angry? Do I feel like I want to hit something (or someone)? Do I feel like I’m completely stuck and can do nothing?

If the angry feelings are there then the first step is to do something to expend that energy somewhere else and prevent an explosion. You might do this by going for a walk, taking yourself to the cinema, listening to calming music or whatever else you know will calm you down. The same can be said about agitation, which is you being on the verge of violence or incapacitation.

Once you have done this and your brain is more able to think logically about your situation. See if you can identify one single thing that you can do that will help your situation. This will move you away from passivity to action and may help shift the block that you feel. If you can’t even do this then it may be that you need help and advice from someone trained in this area. A therapist or counsellor should be able to help you look at your passive behaviours and facilitate decision making.

Recognise any of the passive behaviours mentioned?

How has this post impacted on you?  Do you see which passive behaviours you mostly carry out?  Have you got some great ideas for moving yourself out of passivity?  Please leave your comments about passive behaviours below.