Manda and Charlie

our littlest family member on christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Tue, 25 Dec 2012 20:36:00 +0000

Johnson Christmas Card, 2012

First, MERRY CHRISTMAS! This is our first Christmas season to spend at home with just our little family. We feel blessed to be missing such wonderful family and their celebrations back in IA and AZ, but I must admit- it's really relaxing to be home too! (My OB doesn't want me to risk another ambulance ride back to MN like with Asher, so we're playing it safe and sticking close).

And many of you have been asking, wondering, and inquiring... the suspense is over, so read on!

Big Brother

Asher is SUCH a great big brother already. Everyday he voluntarily says, "I talk to baby", "I hug baby" (which means he squeezes my tummy), "baby tickle" (meaning he wants to put his cheek on my tummy and my skin tickles his cheek), "I talk to baby about it" (and he brings a toy over and explains it, etc). All this on his very own. We don't say much at all bout Little Babes. He has been coming to my ultrasound appointments each week, and he really likes the "heartfeet" (heart beat) part, "Sounds like a train! Cha-Choosh, Cha-choosh!" he'll say. It's really quite amazing the level at which he's getting it. VERY sweet.

Asher Clark, two years, one month old

Each passing week has brought more and more great news! Baby is fantastic, and my cerclage is working great, and my cervix is lengthening to boot! (that last bit is truly amazing!) So I haven't been on bed rest yet, with the exception of a few days last week due to some contractions and minor funneling, but that's resolved! About one week ago (mid week 18) my morning sickness began to lessen, and only flairs every now and then, I'm soooooo thankful, that was not fun.

Little MISS Johnson

We also would like to tell you what Asher says when he talks to my belly,

"Hi Baby SISTER!" or "Love you Baby SISTER"

That's right! We're pleased to announce we're having a Little GIRL!

FEMALE

Last night I pulled out the box from when I was little. My mom saved several little things for us in a plastic box, we played the toys and dressed our dolls up in the outfits a lot when we were little...but now- I get to put my little girl in tiny outfits I wore! Talk about meaningful vintage! YAY!

A few favorites from 'the box'

Thanks again friends and family for caring and praying for us and our Little Miss already. God has shown us much grace in the health of this pregnancy so far. We have much to be thankful for.

We are beyond thrilled to welcome her, Lord willing, close to May 2013!!!

on the way in may {2013}

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Tue, 27 Nov 2012 18:40:00 +0000

It's with lots of joy and excitement that we're sharing this post!
We're having another baby! Asher is a Big Brother!

A little more than a year ago we started our journey, asking God for the blessing of another Little One. The journey has had it's ups, downs, disappointments, and surprising twists. This Little One's life has already had a couple roller coaster chapters. I hope to write details about that soon.

Baby Johnson 2

Here is a summary of Baby Johnson 2's (BJ2) life so far:

Aug. 31-Sep. 17th, After 9 rounds of fertility treatment, we were told that BJ2 didn't exist (or make it)?? Yet, there was nothing pointing that baby had gone to be with Jesus... so we contacted my wonderful OB.
Sep. 24th, We went in for an ultrasound. Our mouths dropped, smiles spread, and thankful tears fell. There, before our eyes was a tiny, precious, beating little heart from our Creator. God blessed us with tiny BJ2! (because of the 'interesting start' my due date has fluctuated around early to mid May).
Late Sep. to Present, lots of time spent on the couch with a nauseous/sick mom and a healthy baby growing, and super busy and happy 2 year old big brother.
Nov. 12th, I had surgery to place the cerclage (same as I had with Asher at 19wks, emergent) but this time we were able to get it placed preventively, before the problems begin. I was 13 weeks along. The surgery went very well, no complications, just lots of rest.
Now I am 15+ weeks along and I've had 11 or so ultrasounds and they will continue weekly for monitoring of my cervical length. Which, right now, is looking good at right around 3cm (for those of you that care; it's varied this time from 2.7-3.2cm).
We are finding out BJ2's gender, we think we know, but will tell when it's confirmed in the next 1-2 ultrasounds. :-)
Asher is already in love with "Asher's baby" he voluntarily sings to it, talks to it, gives kisses and hugs. (all to my belly). It's pretty amazing and cute. He comes to the apt's and tells us about hearing his baby's heart 'feet', "schoom, shm, schoom, shm" (with spit flying everywhere). and he loves looking at photo's of Babes. We were surprised to find he really gets it. Smart Little Mr.

Please continue to pray for BJ2 to stay safe and sound inside. That BJ2 will grow to full term, and be born healthy. And most of all that BJ2 will know Jesus, and want Him as Lord over his/her life. These next 7-9 weeks are critical in BJ2's life, given my pregnancy history. In the past the problems have started about week 18-19. Right now my main restrictions are no strenuous activity, and no lifting over 10lbs.

So, please forgive me for having not blogged. I do have so much to share and catch up with. I'm dying to write it out. As soon as I can stay up during a little bit of nap time or not feel like I'm going to throw up on my keyboard, I shall jump back on the blogging train.

Hugs from the soon to be 4 of us!

visual virtual real home

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Tue, 11 Sep 2012 19:39:00 +0000

Let's start off with the tangible and real:

These real design moments (or furniture pieces, accessories, or art) come few and far between and are a long grueling, tedious, thought provoking, indecisive labor of creative effort for me.

This year has been like our home's jackpot year. -after nine happy (and contented) years of marriage and eating supper on our couch (which is still our preferred spot honestly) we decided it was high time we search out and purchase our first dining room table. And with the above stated 'ado' we finally found [had it made by an Amish craftsman] our gorgeous walnut table that expands to seat 12-14! YAY! Bring on family gatherings and friends! (ps, I'm really bad at planning these sorts of things, so you'll just need to invite yourself over). It was a huge relief to have that added to our home.

note the bareness of the floor and seating

Charlie and I have very similar taste, and we both care quite a bit about our home and it's visual feel, and functionality. I adore having a husband with a great eye for nice lines and classic, solid construction. So we both spent many a weekend perusing our local Room and Board outlet (where we have bought all of our furniture) for our upstairs living area. (this is tricky with a Little)

After months of searching, wa-lah! All in one weekend we found our stuff! A great mid-century modern neutral, tufted couch and an walnut coffee table. Then we scored vintage tufted black club chair on craig's list. SO happy.

Still needs to be styled a lot, and edited, but you get the point. we love the bones.

Add in 5 more months of searching for dining chairs- finding ones we liked was not the problem- finding ones we wanted to afford was the problem. But just in time to save the day, World Market through open their doors to the Twin Cities once again and there, on sale, plus a grand opening special, were sitting our new chairs. Six little ones just so happy to join their other new friends in our dining room.

Any idea's for a center piece?

Also getting an honorable mention is our wool rug. It's a navy/royal blue color and is big and beautiful and grounding. On a 75% off sale, with an extra 10% off on top of that. -major sweet. We were a little nervous about rug shopping online, but it was worth the risk, for sure.

Let me look around did I miss anything else?.... hummm. don't think so. Our big comfy brown couch found a new area in our downstairs family room, and is quite happy there it seems.

My next gigantic task is to edit a little more then accessorize. I feel like this is harder than you think. I dislike clutter, but there have to be some key, beloved items that help tell the story of us, our family and our interests sprinkled throughout our home. That helps to make it ours, and is much more cozy.

Oh yes, I know what I forgot- Asher's new big boy bed and all the fixings. well that can be a post of it's own at some point.

As for the imaginary and intangible:
I have had so much fun on pinterest designing, dreaming and planning all sorts of homes, each that in some way describe more parts of me. I discovered I'm rather classic eclectic. For me, pinterest has been such a useful tool. It has allowed me to explore my taste more. I can "commit" (by pinning) without committing (not buying). I "live with it" for a few months and revisit that board and suddenly discover I adore this look and very much dislike another. It's helped me refine my style.

I often wish I could have a stylist come and redo my home. If I could choose anyone, it'd have to be Candice Olson, she nails it for her clients nearly every time. But since she's not an option, I have some excellent friends who have been gifted with an eye for design. Some who's rooms you may have seen on pinterest here and there. Get yourself a friend or two you can bounce idea's off of, and make sure they shoot it to ya straight. They have saved me from many a disaster, or got me to make the leap. Love them.

So here's your unsolicited design advice from me:
1. Don't buy they first thing you lay eyes on and stop looking
2. Don't buy the cheapest thing out there. It is SO worth waiting for the right financial time to buy those big pieces.
3. Give yourself a few years, especially if you're young-ish, or just starting your design journey. Our style has evolved (and will always be, I suppose) into what it is today. But I can say with confidence that if you wait to buy what you REALLY want, in a timeless style, and in an excellent build it will serve you well. Year after year after year. And will likely not be hard to freshen up with various accent items. So wait for it.
4. Keep looking. Days, weeks, months, years... eventually you will find The One that makes your heart sing. Don't give up. It's worth the wait.
5. Don't get too caught up in one particular style. Mix it up. Be brave and do the unexpected. *now this last point is what i'm really working on* (it's really hard for a perfectionist to not follow the rules, but my home has to be me (us), not a rule book).

That's all for today.
If you have tips on helping with my space, I'm VERY grateful for the input!

Links to the shops I mentioned:
room and board for quality furniture in many modern/classic styles.
rugsusa for great quality rugs at insanely low prices. -i think they have a 75% off sale every national holiday, july 4th, labor day, etc... keep your eye out on those days.
world market if you just wanna play with a style for a reasonable price or need some culture in your life
Craig's list is awesome, and if you live in the cities, you're just not allowed to look there and steal stuff from me! LOL! ;-) I love a good deal, I get SUCH a adrenaline rush!

Where are your favorite spots?

democracy, division?

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Mon, 10 Sep 2012 20:07:00 +0000

It's election year.

If this is news to you, well we all welcome you back from your hiking trip in the remote Himalayas. (and I am personally jealous of you).

Kinda hard to miss that this event is coming right up. Not as bad as when we lived in Iowa (an early primary's state)-they've had it bad with commercials and news for like a year and a half already.

Let me just preface this ~~rant~~ ~~complaining~~ cautionary post with this: I am QUITE thankful to live in America. To have the freedoms we do, to vote to choose our forthcoming leaders, those things truly are a privilege.

So this is what gets me in election years especially: People's WILDLY opinionated and slanted statements, hardly fact-checked, and so cutting and insensitive. (I'm not taking sides here- not even a little). I'm not even going to touch on the politicians themselves, I'm talking about my friends and family here- people I know and love.

Great. Already stepping on toes.

My main open wound: Facebook. (and a random email here and there).
Who: lots of "friends" (I promise I don't have anyone particular in mind)

Why? Well, it's just too easy to post, share, or repost something that struck a chord with you in that small moment, in split second, with the click of a button. I think this may be the case for many. Or maybe posting your opinion online gives this feeling of false security to the one proclaiming their opinions or comments (ie: the positives and negatives to each candidate, their parties and their projected plans- good or bad).

It seems there is no balance or DEFERENCE to be found. People feel so led to use their social platform(s) to sway potential voters to their "side". -AS IF the insanely biased post will do any good (or !change the mind!) for the person of the 'opposing' party who you are supposedly trying to reach and recruit. (I mean, really, why else would you post a political commercial on your personal space, pushing for certain candidate or party, unless it was to sway other voters to see it your way? -we all know who we're are going to vote for in the end. And that is the beauty of our democracy, YOU are the only one at the end of the day who gets to cast your vote). {no sarcasm on this point- ok- in a perfect world, that's how it's set up}.

NOTES to MYSELF:
Where is our courteous respect for others? I'm not at all talking about laying down like a door mat, and not standing up for your beliefs, convictions, and rights... But it's PEOPLE we're talking to. Real people with real feelings and stories and needs connected to them. Speak in such a way that it communicates LOVE to them. Not just my love, but the Author of Love- Jesus.

Elections, laws and leaders and nations are actually TRIVIAL in the end. They are simply a part of the world we live in. We are called to pray for leaders, and respect (ALL) of them as believers. (and respect should be considered when posting "terrible" things they may have done that you disagree with). I guess my main issue is why do we feel so riled and compelled to campaign for our party of choice so valiantly? It is SO much more important to be fighting for the SOULS (not the votes) of those around us.

MY MAIN POINT
Am I winsome and showing Jesus to those who know me?

I feel like it's divisive to be posting (all the time) about politics. We could definitely be building walls, and turning away more potential believers when we take part in this. Would you say the things you post about to others face to face- all of your 907 facebook friends? - believers or unbelievers? Will it help you build a relationship that will help point that person(s) to Jesus? Do you really wanna die on that hill? Is there not only one decision/relationship we should be so passionate about sharing?

Not everyone is where you are mentally. Where has there story brought them, how did they get to today? How can I make Jesus look attractive to them today? How can I be loving to those I know?

Grace. I know we'll see lots of things we disagree with in the coming months, and there are very few issues that are just a matter of right and wrong, biblical or sin- but not as many as you would like to think. Be gracious, loving, thoughtful, and slow in your responses to what your eyes may come across. Think first about the kind of relationship you have or don't have with someone, is it truly helpful?
In the end only Jesus and eternity matter.

now or never

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Mon, 10 Sep 2012 02:36:00 +0000

ready. set. go.
hands up.
flying leap.

There.
That wasn't so bad. I've had this persistent itch to jump back into writing here on my little lost blog.
I've had so many ~~great~~ ~~boring~~ interesting things to write about.
This is how my 11- - - ELEVEN - - - (wow. that's a long time) month dead zone got out of hand:
(please read "excuses for having NOT blogged"):

1. Asher turned 11 months. YAY! But along with the awesome consistency in sleeping and eating age brings, it also brought along walking and talking, more teething, more independence and general full-time busyness. Mom's, I know you've got my back on this one. Let's just say my free & alone time seemed to shrink because during his awesome afternoon naps I either needed to cling to God in study or prayer, sleep, clean, make supper, blah, blah blah.

OK, you get the point: Asher grew up more, I had to figure out my new normal.

2. I did figure out my new normal. YAY! Now it is February-ish I'd suppose. I promise I revisited the idea of blogging again.

Looking back at the host of posts in the past two years has been fun and good. This place is totally just my decompressing, processing, remembering, thinking (out loud), release, honesty-spouting, sharing SPOT. And along the way I had to write down what my Abba was teaching and showing me, what He was walking me through (often kicking and screaming, but sometimes quietly and enjoying the gift of now).

Being the introvert that I am. -Well I'm a weird one probably- It's true I'm introverted now for sure; yet I do have this completely open side of me, and I have no qualm sharing my entire (please read: 'cervical lengths', 'absurd horizontal living', 'misgivings', 'crazy thoughts', -lol!) life, in excruciating detail, with the world. So anyway being the mixed introvert that I am, I like to process internally, alone, and it takes me a while. Probably because when I talk, I can't always find the words I'm really thinking or feeling. And this is an excellent place for slow, thoughtful (well sometimes-not always) expression of the real me. I'm not a good writer, I simply write as I talk for the most part. Nothing fancy.

So anyway, as I revisited I found myself dreadfully behind, and the perfectionist in me was going absolutely, completely, frantically, CRAYZY-NUTZ. So as I said, the story of our past few years has become quite centered around our family. pre and post. what a journey it's been, so consuming. And the blog had also become a baby book of sorts. -That's the nice part, 'cuz I would forget a lot of it otherwise.

But now. Oh boy. By February I was 5 months behind on pictures and details and thoughts, which I could have caught up on, but seriously- who (in the general public) really wants to know Asher had his first (of hundreds) scrape or had zucchini for first time, etc. OK OK OK, I know Grandma and Gigi cared a lot, but other than that? what? no hands wildly waiving? No one? No?.... ..... really?! LOL! Thought so. I was feeling guilty for subjecting my faithful few to the posting torture of routine family life. (I first realized my little blog was going this direction in july 2010, see this post. OH DEAR!)

My solution? I opened Asher's very own little privet blog. There are still one or two months I've missed somewhere in there. But there is less pressure to make it anything more than it is: a record of my son's irresistible cuteness and remarkable smartness. I'm not at all bias. It's just the facts. If you really wanna see more pics, and stories of our daily "family" life, I can hook you up. Or just check my facebook or instagram.

OK. I'm throwing a picture in here so I don't loose ya. It's an older one, from March I think.
I'm just about done.

3. The blog needs to be worth your time (well at least kinda worth it, because I know post after post week after week can easily become boring). I had a dry, very non-creative, and VERY uninteresting spell. I think this is a really normal part of life for me. I had nothing but the daily life to report or share. In many ways, I'm still there. But I'm really going to try to dig down deep and rediscover some of my interests and passions and amusements once again. Perhaps you'll join me, perhaps you'll pop in for a visit every now and then, or just say in your head 'good for you' and move along. All three are perfect options.

The point: if you're taking the time to read, I want you to leave encouraged in some way.

Another one so you don't leave yet. ;-)

4. I'm still trying to get over the fact that there is no possible way of writing you a bridge from last november until now. But alas, there is not. breathe amanda. breathe. Get over it. Nobody cares. LOL!
I'll try to post silly little updates here and there, cuz who wants an impersonal no-picture page to drudge through? Yup, not me. Life IS my inspiration after all.

______
This summer was very low maintenance. Hours of pool and park time. Lots of playing cars and balls, and basketball and chasing my fantastic and happy Little Mr. Charlie has been pretty busy at work and has been trying to squeeze in time for his hobby's. I've been enjoying the ride, the goodness and fun-ness in the now. (When I'm NOT pulling my hair out, or scraping dried cheese and peas off the floor). You get my drift.

Hugs to you guys.

Cheers to many more.

Thanks for letting me process with you.

Holy cow, that was a wordy way of telling you I'm gonna try blogging out again! HA!

Merry Christmas 2011!

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 04:40:00 +0000

Photo's by the lovely: ginazeidler.com

never posted thoughts from 2009

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 04:21:00 +0000

Bennett Torger Johnson

Born: June 30, 2009, 8:13 PM Weighed 6.4 ounces, 8.4 inches long

Ps. 139:5 You hem me in, behind and before,  and lay your hand upon me.  6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;  it is high; I cannot attain it. 13 For you formed my inward parts;  you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works;  my soul knows it very well.  15 My frame was not hidden from you,  when I was being made in secret,  intricately woven in the depths of the earth.  16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;  in your book were written, every one of them,  the days that were formed for me,  when as yet there was none of them.

I’m a mom! I truly feel like a mommy now- I’ve held a perfect little baby boy in my hands and arms, I’ve

kissed tiny feet (no bigger than one inch) and a little nose smaller than a pea. I watched as my darling husband held our baby boy in his hands so gently. I’ve said, “I love you little baby Bennett”. I’ve felt the anguish of a parent being helpless to aid my hurting, dying child, who I felt kick inside me, with the sac of waters drying out. I’ve heard the strong heart beat (154 bpm) of a healthy baby right up until delivery; and then falling silent upon entering this world. He was amazing and small and delicate and fully formed. His features and traits could be established and identified already- he had Charlie’s poochy/pouty lips. A strong shoulder line, and muscle in his arms already. His hand had creases in it, on the handprint we have, it looks like mine and my dad’s- the “life lines” were in the same places as ours. His feet were long- and he had skinny, long, little legs like his daddy -he would have been tall like both of us without a doubt. His skin was very thin, shiny, smooth and red still; the lacey small veins could be seen all over his little body. On his face and forehead the pours had developed, and you could just barely see the baby eyebrow hairs coming in. His eyelids had formed, but were still fused shut. He had the cutest teeny ears, and small sweet mouth (less than .5cm wide). His mouth opened and closed, in it was a gum line and the littlest tongue I’ve ever seen. His bones were there and his joints all moved; all the fingers and toes fully separated and bent. And as I held him for the last time, his mouth opened and his hand slipped up by his mouth and his little thumb popped right in. It was adorable. Bennett is memorable.

I feel like I now understand labor better. (Maybe not fully, like a 40-week labor, but I definitely went through it. I think the intenseness would last longer with a bigger baby.) I know the ache (not pain of the stinging, shooting, cutting, searing sort) of labor pains, I know now that my body gets a rush of adrenaline; so much that it made me shake uncontrollably. I know why mommy’s moan, in what I can imagine would be the joy of anticipation of their little one. Because even knowing my baby would die upon birth, going through it, and seeing the little life debut out of me was utterly amazing! I was fascinated with how God orchestrates the whole birthing process! And even though Bennett slipped into Jesus’ presence before I met him, I was still filled with a happiness that’s hard to express. I’m thankful that I had the privilege of birthing, looking at, crying over, holding, memorizing, and kissing my son. It was still stunning to hear the nurse say, “It’s a little boy!” I praise God for my fearfully and wonderfully made baby boy!

The experience was excruciating. Definitely not a path I would choose to go down. One just doesn’t expect to be woke at 2:30 AM on a Sunday morning, June 28, out of a dead sleep, having done nothing out of the ordinary, to the warm gush of water between my legs. –Unexpected at 18.5 weeks especially. I got up in a sleepy stooper and woke Charlie, “I think my water broke!” watery, light pink, amniotic fluid continued to flow out of me at a quick rate, through a phone call to the doctor on call, through the late, long car ride to the hospital (25 minutes to Abbott Northwestern, downtown Minneapolis) and the walk to the 6^th floor. In the car I thought for sure that our baby “Turkish” had died. We went straight up to the labor and delivery area, and they did a “ph” test that confirmed it was really my placenta sac that had broken. (they call this PROM, premature rupture of membranes). We discussed options with the very understanding and patient OB on call, Dr. Peterson, and he said rest until 7 or 7:30am and we’ll decide then what to do next. We were no where near being able to rest, but we managed to call our doula, Sara Dick from Bethlehem, and Bridget and my mom-all who drove up right away. Sara arrived at about 6:10am. With her help and insight we decided not to induce labor. There was a small chance (less than 5%), that God could miraculously seal the hole in my placenta, and my body, which continuously makes amniotic fluid, could then fill it back up. I’d be on bed rest then until baby Turkish was born. So we stayed in the hospital all day Sunday and Sunday night. Bridget and mom arrived about 9:30am, and hung out with us, cried and prayed with us.

That night Pastor Kenny Stokes and his wife came out and we got to pray together for Bennett, and Charlie and I, with Kenny had a baby dedication for our son. It went something like this… “Little one (we didn’t yet know if it was a boy), together with your parents, who love you dearly, and this people who care about the outcome of your faith, I dedicate you to God, surrendering together with them all worldly claims upon your life, in the hope that you will belong wholly to God for ever.” He also encouraged us by saying that what we had chosen to do (wait) was hard, but the most God-glorifying choice.

Talk about tough, and real promises. We were all in tears after that. Never had surrendering “all earthly claims on a life” been so profoundly real. And at the same time, very freeing. God owes me nothing, he’s not promised me or any child or person a certain number of days. I had preconceptions that I would get to spend time with this little one growing inside me, to love on him, hug him and watch him grow up; but God saw fit that this baby should go directly from the darkness of my womb to his loving arms- bypassing sin, hurt, pain and guilt, and sorrow on earth; to know fully, a Savior and Abba who loves and will hold him close as He worships and sings to his Maker, along side a host of other such little ones. Tears roll down my cheeks now -of pain and grief- but also of complete gratefulness and promise in imagining that scene. This is part of His promised plan!

We decided early Sunday morning that we should not take any further steps (taking this baby’s life into our own hands- meaning that we knew if we induced labor, he would undoubtedly die). We felt like God should have full control of this baby’s life or death. It wasn’t our decision to make. So we waited. We waited until Monday morning in the hospital, with constant checking for infection or any beginnings of labor pains, etc. but nothing happened. They released us to go home and continue to wait, they would check again, via ultrasound on Wednesday, the baby’s heart rate, and my condition- unless something else happened between time.

Monday from 10am until Tuesday 12:30pm was the most trying, dark, painful, sorrowful, heavy path Charlie and I have ever walked down. My bible study girls came out and kneeled by me on the couch and listened, and cried and prayed for the baby, Charlie and I- that our trust and faith would remain unbroken, encouraged me with a hymn “Day by Day”, and brought us a dinner. Charlie’s parents came late that night. I realized that it wasn’t just me who was hurting. There were a number of people who loved us, and this little baby and didn’t want us to hurt. It’s a precious thing to have friends and family care so intensely about me and a baby they’ve never met, that they cry along side us, walking the dark path, fighting and mourning and praying with us.

Charlie and I wept. Tears spilled out in the living room, in the bed, in lawn chairs in our back yard. You could visibly see our hurt. We felt a heavy burden of responsibility for this waiting period and the precious life that was still inside of me. We knew the probable outcome, but were scared of the potential life outcomes (if he actually lived). Were we ready to deal with those too? How could we be responsible for bringing a child into a world (even for a few days or hours) to be poked, prodded, etc. then die in a more painful way? God had given us strong conviction to stand strongly pro life. Life belongs to God; he is the decider of the timing of birth and death, not us. So we would trust and wait that He would (did) work it out in His timing. In my heart of hearts I began to pray that Jesus would just take this baby to live with him, and spare him any type of hurt.

We took showers, finally, at 12:20pm Tuesday. It was then that God chose to move in answering our prayers. I stepped into the shower, having had no physical discomfort, pain or changes. I washed and felt something squishy as a brushed over it… I called Charlie and his Mom in to come look, I was too scared to look or feel again. It was the umbilical cord. “It’s OK. *breath* Praise the Lord! This is an answer to prayer!” were the first words out of my mouth. Charlie’s adrenaline must have gone sky high; he wasn’t sure what to do next. He cared for me so well, he’s so tender. We called Dr. Flom. God allowed a peace to rush over me in body and soul.

Mom and Dad J. drove us to the hospital. I rode lying down in the back of the mini van. I had 3-4 contractions. What a new and strange feeling that was.

* * *

We thoughtfully picked a name for our son, Bennett Toger Johnson. The name “Bennett” because it is Latin for “precious little one” and “Torger” after Charlie’s great-grandfather. We hadn’t really known what “Torger” meant at the time, but we learned that it is Norse for “Spear of God.” We thought that was very fitting, because although he did not live long, he was used so powerfully by God to bring God glory, to change our lives and impact the lives of many others.

Lamentations 3:22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;  his mercies never come to an end;  23 they are new every morning;  great is your faithfulness.  24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,  “therefore I will hope in him.”

alone time

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 23:34:00 +0000

Asher- You're amazing. This week you've been playing in your room all alone or in the pack 'n play in the living room for literally hours on end. Like right now you've been playing with a few toys and flipping through books in the living room quietly talking to yourself. This has afforded mommy some much needed time to catch up on your baby book blogging. I'm so thankful you enjoy looking at and reading books. And that you know how to play by yourself so well. Actually mommy could probably stand to spend more time interacting/playing/teaching you a little more these days. You're growing up so fast!

SO- expect some of my blog abandonment issues to get resolved soon!

You zoned our for a sec while eating, so cute.

Also, this week you have turned a communication corner...a funny example:
-Last week Daddy and I were teaching how to use the hair brush, and you got it right away. Brushing the top and back of your head with the soft bristles. We would say "Oh SO HANDSOME", "good job", etc to you. Flash back to two nights ago... Mommy and Daddy were talking in the kitchen while you ate supper and somehow it came up in conversation for Daddy to throw in a "SO HANDSOME" about something not related to you and when he said it you instantly got your little food/goo coated patties up and started stroking the sides and back of your head. It was absolutely adorable, funny and messy. We were shocked you had remembered and did it without prompting! LOL!

-Yesterday, after months of trying to show you how to sign please and more, you just magically started signing please. Perhaps it had to do with the fact you never get sweets and mommy had shared a nibble of a rice krispie treat you thought was super yummy and wanted more. Cuz I asked you just once, "Show mommy more-please" and wha-lah- you did it! It so great to know you are actually understanding what we're saying buddy!

-You consistently say "HI" when you notice us walk into a room, or return home. You get SUPER excited if one or both of us have left you with a babysitter or friend and return home -you greet us with an elated, happy, delighted smile, squeals and laughs. You do that at the church nursery too. (♥) You have never cried when we leave you and from all reports we've gotten have not cried about us being gone either. You're just a happy and content little man. Thanks buddy. It makes our life easier.

-There are a multitude of other words you say and VERY notable highlights as of late. They're coming soon~

1 point One

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 21:19:00 +0000

One year, one month

Asher words:

Mao- mAo -(we're not sure sometimes if you mean more or NO) sometimes you use it as exclamation and sometimes as scolding

Dada & Mama -and you know who you mean

Books

Watch

Hot

Hat

Sock(s)

Uh-Oh

Mo -more

B-bb-bbbbbr -car sound as you push it around

Discovered how to "fake" laugh -and then you think that's pretty funny

We taught you how to brush your hair last week and said "Oh SO handsome" now when we say "so handsome" you run your hands through your hair and play with the back of your head. SO CUTE!

Other noteworthy details:

You have 12 teeth (four on top, four on bottom, four molars).

Turbo crawler

Walks holding on to things

Stands up alone

Loves to play with shoes

Gives snuggles with hips and giant open mouthed kisses (and excited bites)

Sleeps from 7:20pm - 7 or 8am with no waking

Plays happily alone for 1-2 hours at a time (reads books, and play w/toys)

Adores baby's and children

Dance-dance-dances to music

Strongly affected by music- you are especially vulnerable to settling down or sleep when we play a song on your Baby Einstein: Naptime Melodies CD {Bonnie (references melody My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean)} 2 minutes and 09 seconds of pure baby bliss I'm tell'n ya!

Happy bather once again, voluntarily lays down and plays in water

Likes to be outside, spots birds and squirrels now

Enjoys wrestling and playing rough with Daddy

Elated to hug and cuddle your blankie and "bear"

Still nursing about 3 times per day

Prefer to feed your self

Not a picky eater really, if you get to eat it your way. You eat banana's like they're going out of style!

Add caption

Family photo's by the lovely: ginazeidler.com

::: stay tuned :::

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 21:01:00 +0000

HI.
I exist. Asher is thriving. Charlie is swell.
Pictures have kept getting snapped. Memories keep happening. Events take place. months just keep rolling on.

I have failed to blog. I want to. I will. I just haven't made time. I am a little frustrated with how blogger interacts with photos right now- so that's been my major delay. Not a lack of things to right about.

please stay tuned.

ONE

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 21:16:00 +0000

ONE YEAR OLD ASHER CLARK: adored, loved, cherished, busy, precious, assertive, sweet, chubby, affectionate, adorable, happy, silly, determined, vibrant, climber, investigative, strong-hearted, sweet, self-entertained.

One year old, Tiny sch-muffin, firstborn, baby boy: your mommy and daddy are so grateful for your little life. You've blessed us in countless ways son. We thank Jesus for you often.

We continue to pray that the Lord will show you your need for Him at an early age and you will want to know Him personally and live fully for Him, and that He will use you to love others well.

On your birthday weekend we celebrated YOU with family in Waterloo.
Your first birthday party was pretty low-key, small and informal but very fun.

Happy first birthday Asher Clark Johnson. May it be the first of MANY!

a('s) nursery

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 00:50:00 +0000

So, although it needs some tweaking (gotta fix the curtains, and arrange the dresser top, and find a small reading chair for Asher, and a sling book shelf) his nursery was finished last month.

I can't believe I let it slide until he was nine months old! I was in no hurry. (Honestly, I was a little too timid during pregnancy to decorate a whole room, because I had "just in case" syndrome- and not in a good way). The first several months he wouldn't have noticed anyway. No biggy. The only reason I would now recommend new moms to have the nursery completed before baby comes is this: the new little one creates all kinds of reasons to "do it later" or "maybe I'll finish it when dad comes home or grandma comes to visit". E-hem. It doesn't happen. Just do it before the little love child arrives and be done. lesson learned. oh well.

These are some snap shots from this morning.

Asher seems to enjoy his new room!

He likes it so much he could (does) eat it!

Any thoughts on preventing this?... some sort of bumper?

I painted white stripes on the wall. Love'n FROG tape!

We went with a burnt orange/red accent color.

The sling bookshelf will sit under the pictures. When I order it.

Asher enjoys looking at and talking to himself in the mirror, so I put one at his level.

the play box

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 16:11:00 +0000

All the toys in the sink

A few weeks ago I bleached/cleaned every single last one of Asher's toys. (Yes I'm a little bit of a clean freak- but only about "sick" germs -vrs dirt, grass, etc) Anyway, this is beside the point. I must say that I was pretty pleased to discover that ALL of them -pictured above- fit into one side of the sink!

Why am I so pleased?
Because it's my goal to not smother him with toys. I want to give him room to be creative with what he has. -Not that we will deprive him of toys, but we will limit the amount of them. He so happily entertains his own little babyness for nearly 45 minutes at a time, give or take. He will play with or chew a couple of toys, then crawl around and stand and walk from thing to thing. -Usually talking or yelling rather LOUDLY. (man boys are SO much louder than girls)!

We keep one small basket downstairs of little things for him to play with; and he's more interested in climbing, crawling, or trying to get the remote controls. (how do they always know that the one you gave them is the play one, even if it used to be the "real" one)?!

Upstairs we have a little toy bin next to the chair, and he enjoys taking all the toys out, plays a bit and then moves on to other things around the room.

Checking out one toy at a time

The cupboards are filled with "toys"

Asher loves playing in the kitchen while I work. Things like bowls, spoons, pots, empty jugs, etc are among his favorite forms of entertainment. Chewing, banging, rolling, unloading... I love that he doesn't have to have toys to be play/learning.

He is fascinated with babies. He squeals with delight at the
sight of them, wants to kiss them, and touch them.

He likes books. I've hit several garage sales this summer and expanded his book collection. I highly recommend this form of purchasing books. I want him to be around books from a very young age, and I don't want to have to take them away from him because after he was done looking at (or kissing, as pictured above) the pictures he decided to gum a page or two. At .25 or .50 cents I'm ok with it. We read while he plays sometimes too. I want him to love books, and to always have access to them.

Imagination development is an essential quality that often gets stifled by stuff in todays culture.
My theory (so far) is buy a few high quality things and let him loose, to learn to play and entertain and learn on his own. For gifts we hope to give him things like music classes, or swim lessons, or tumbling classes, or books rather than stacks of nearly unused toys in every room.

We'll see how long this theory lasts.
What's your theory or thoughts?

10 month Asher

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 15:35:00 +0000

Month 10, Week 1
You play quietly in your room with toys for nearly an hour, all by yourself. Nice WORK!
7.12 -Pulled himself up to standing in his crib (he was really wanting out).
7.13 -You became the proud owner of your fifth tooth- the Top Left (beside the front two) FINALLY (those two side teeth kept moving up and down for weeks and have been about thru for a long time- lots of drool and chomp'n).
7.14 -The sixth tooth pushed through too! Top Right (beside the front). PHEW!
7.15 -We bought a tiny whale pool, you are loving it, but often decide it's most fun to crawl out onto the grass and get dirty, explore and eat (the grass, leaves, and rocks). VERY busy.
7.15 -I think you started bouncing to music for the first time. (I had country playing, and you hadn't heard that before).
7.15-17 -You are SO fast at crawling now! And SO BUSY. We turn for a second and you without fail will zip your little self into the bathrooms. Your favorite is daddy's. I think you like the registers on the floor (which you also have learned to lift up and take off, so smart).

Month 10, Week 2

7.17-18 -you've noticed when the sun hits the floor, and you are fascinated by touching it.
7.18 -patty-cake it is! Over the weekend Daddy taught you how to clap! And now you think you're big stuff, sitting there banging your fists together "clapping" while we sing the rhyme.
7.20 - You've pulled yourself to standing several times today. The railing is your favorite place to do it.

7.23 - Buddy, you climbed two stairs by yourself. You can hurdle yourself over most anything now.

Month 10, Week 3

7.24 - Now, instead of snuffing in and out really fast when you're pleased about something you've changed it to a sucking in of air that sounds like you have asthma. Kinda a loud inward breathing scream. And you've figured out how to do this when you nurse too. (yes, this annoys mommy a little). Good thing your phases go by fast.
One phase that's still dragging on is the whole strong dislike for diaper changes and clothes applications. You turn, and cry, and wiggle, and complain about both. We try to tell you that if you're just still and cooperative it'd be done a whole lot quicker; you don't seem interested in testing our theory.
7.25 -Feeding yourself. Today you fed yourself shaved turkey, noodles, shredded cheese and cheerio's, and you did a great job of it. (super messy, but no choking, etc)!
7.30 -In Waterloo all of the Bohlen side got together to celebrate Great Grandpa Bohlen's 80th birthday with him!

Oh look, your nursery got done at age 10 months! YAY!

my lovelies and littles

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 02:41:00 +0000

This week has been just like "July in Minnesota is supposed to be". Or so the radio announcers said today. Supposed to be or not- I agree with this lovely less humid, yet hot weather. It promotes fun days with my dearest friends, at local parks, nestled by lakes, grassy hills, sun-kissed cheeks, laughter, hugs, and bonding. -Did I mention I LOVE SUMMER!!!?!

Anne, Jaime, Andrea & Erica w/the littles

See that tiny Little Hat-Covered Dot head'n for the hills? (or rather, truck'n down the hill and toward bath house...). That would be my child. No second look back, no 'mom, is this ok?' look, only one small break to look about and make sure he was on HIS track...Yup....dooo-ti-deety-ti-doo-doo. He was on his own little adventure, until I retrieved him. Which apparently wasn't entirely disagreeable either; -judging from his high-in-the-air tossed giggles and kissed up, smiling cheeks.

My Lovelies.

This happened to be Erica's last picnic with us before they enter the next chapter of the lives in a different state. I (we) will miss this woman of god and her humble depth, inner joy and peace, and real transparency. HUGS TO YOU ERICA! Fare better than well!

it is ok to break

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 22:08:00 +0000

I was talking to another mom and she was saying how she feels guilty sometimes about how much she looks forward to nap time and bed time. ...she felt like she should love every second of this tough job of mothering.

Well, I say IT IS OK to look forward to these breaks of sleeping littles. (I mean for one, obviously, babies HAVE to have it, they do a lot of learning and growing during that time). But aside from the practical aspects, it's good to have time to yourself away from your sweeties. To do things you need to do, or things you enjoyed before baby, keep growing your own person. (Even if that means a magazine, facebook, devo's or a nap). Everybody is happier that way. Days at home as a mommy can get super long.

And to further the point, I for one, feel like a few times a week 30 minutes of video time isn't gonna kill off brain cells. And if it gives me time to recollect myself and my frazzled emotions if a certain little one has been (GASP!)--crazy cranky- it's a must.

EXHIBIT #1:

he was a near napless wonder that day

Just breathe.

Pray.

Walk away. (they'll live).

Collect yourself.

Find yourself.

You (we'll) be better mommy's for it.

Start again.

"IMHO"

caven cousins and auntie visit

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 15:28:00 +0000

Auntie Liz visited for a quick overnight and morning visit this weekend. The love, fun, excitement, and entertainment she brought with her (that is: Elliot, Emma, Isa and Henry) are always fun for us (and Asher LOVED playing with and watching them). We had late night showers, a pancake picnic, did a little catch in the yard, mini walks, movies, and stair climbing (by Asher and Henry). Fun, fun, fun.

Happy we get to see you guys again soon!

he climbs

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 20:05:00 +0000

After maneuvering himself into a stand on the first stair, Asher decided he could go ahead and climb the stairs by himself today. (stairs in the literal sense, meaning TWO whole stairs all by himself). OH BOY! He can also crawl over us, over large objects, and can prop himself to standing most anywhere.

Little Mr. Asher is quite pleased with his accomplishment

It still takes him a while to get up (that won't last long, I'm sure)

He does a lot of concentrating

He still would prefer to go up "like a big boy" -one foot on each step up, half flying up the stairs.

he stands

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 20:51:00 +0000

The Little Whipper Snapper added standing on his own to his quickly expanding repertoire. Like crawled over and wriggled right up. He was SO proud of himself. (wrinkled his nose, smiling, and snuffing in and out really fast).

I grabbed my phone and snapped fast, but this is today!

Last Monday (7-12), I walked into his room after naps and he was standing in his crib... but he didn't do it again after that. So I don't know if it counts for real. Since then we've done lots of practice walking and helping him get into a standing position.

Today he's decided to stand several times alone, the railings are his favorite place to do it.

Good work Asher!

what on earth

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 20:19:00 +0000

my elbow

This little dandy started to show up on Sunday night and with each day has gotten more and more colorful, and less painful.

Weird part... I have absolutely NO idea what I banged it on. But the battle mark was impressive.
How is that possible?!

9 month Asher

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 15:38:00 +0000

Happy NINE whole months Asher Clark

Nine Month Well-check Stat's:

You still weigh 24 lbs 9 oz (90-97%) Your weight has evened out for a few months now.
You're 30.25" (97%)
Your head measures 18.5" (90%)
Dr. M says you're a robust, healthy, nine month old, developing perfectly!
Size 4 diaper still, and we've found the night time pampers work great for keeping you dry.
You are in 12-18 month size clothes (a lot of that reason is for the torso length), but your tummy is more comfy in 12-18 too.
You still take 2 solid naps a day and go to bed about 7pm, getting up about 7am.
You nurse around 6-7 times a day.

This month Asher was far too busy to sit or lay still for pictures.
These are the best we could do with his busy boy self...and per usual White Bear sat perfectly for us in every shot. Go figure.

Mommy caved for a bit and plugged you in to your video, to take a break from the picture taking.

Month 8, week 1
Sometimes you grab toys and roll around the room with them; you are now capable of making a mess when you play. I have to pick up the toys and books you've strewn about.
People are always commenting about your big beautiful eyes.
6.11 -You got your first boo-boo on a pokey, sharp edge of the chair, and scraped your forehead. It was gone in a few days.
Baby Boy, you LOVE to be naked!
6.15 -Today we practiced standing a lot. You enjoy holding onto the railing all by yourself and talking and looking around, still a little wobbly though.
When you're sitting in your bumbo on the table you try to grab at the plant leaves and anything else near you.
You are kind of over your jumperoo. But you'll still play in your exersaucer.

Month 8, week 2
You drink really well out of a straw cup. It seems to be your preferred way to drink.
6.19 -After you're in the hands/knees position, you pike your little tush up in the air (like a downward dog yoga pose) and hold there as long as you can then LURCH forward. Often landing on your face- ouch. But you know you can move yourself forward by doing this. (the inchworm on steroids)!

6.20 - You scootched over to your little toy box and pulled what you could out of it and played. You still play by yourself for 10-50 minutes at a time; happily.

6.21 -Mommy sat you beside your toy/book box today and you pulled books out and looked at them. You had the spread out all around you. You were screeching with delight. Pausing every now and then to loudly and decisively "read" by saying "Dadadaadaaa dada da!" "Ppppthhhth". You seemed to know what you were talking about. It was super cute buddy.

6.21 -You are starting to move each leg individually, but not crawling. When you're all tush-piked up you move one foot a little ways forward. You have learned to not lurch forward onto your face and instead, body surf forward. You seem very proud of yourself and push your shoulders, neck and head as far back as you can, over and over while smiling. (looks like sun salute yoga pose, fast, over and over).

6.22 -You ate your first cheerio! You liked it. And you can now hold your straw sippy cup on your own. you love straws!

You love white bear!

Month 8, week 3
All month your two teeth on either side of your top two front teeth keep moving down, get close to popping through and then go back up. It like teething but without end or reward. Not fun, poor little guy.

This was a rough week. We got out exterior house panted, and it was pretty loud. So your naps were a short and that messed you up. But you did practice sleeping in different places (the basement, the closet, the car, etc). We made it! It was also a REALLY hot week. You liked to sit in your bumbo and watch the guys work out the window, you seemed very interested in what they were doing.
6.27 -You are in LOVE with your white bear we use for your monthly pictures. When you play with him and munch on him you squeal and laugh with delight. Maybe because he's soft and as big as you.
6.29 -We enjoyed going swimming with friends at the Maple Grove pool. You are still too fascinated by the kids and splashing around you to do much on your own. BUT you do sleep SUPER well/long on swimming days!
You love to feed yourself by grabbing with your fist and stuffing what doesn't fall into your open mouth (mostly cheerio's).
When you're in your car seat and stroller you like to sit up as straight as you can and hold on to the sides; it sorta looks like you're trying to drive.

HE STANDS!!!

Month 8, week 4 -sheuwww, what a big week!
Still no front, top, side teeth. They got really close this week though.
7.1 -You sat up on your own. You speedily crawled to Daddy's guitar and when you got there you pushed yourself right into a sitting position. And now you crawl and sit and play all the time.
7.1 -Grammy and Papa came to visit for the weekend. Aunty Bridge, Uncle Zach and Landon were in town too; so we all got together for a 4th of July weekend picnic by the lake. It was a gorgeous day, and we all had fun together.
7.3 -So close to crawling, a little wobbly, but doing it.
7.3 -Our little family went to the Wayzata beach on Lake Minnetonka. You played happily under the big sports umbrella and daddy took you in the water a few times. The waves seemed to make you a little uncomfortable. but you liked the sand. Later we all met our small group for a picnic supper.
7.4 -You celebrated the Fourth of July by CRAWLING! -For real- coordinated, knee-hand-knee-hand. Now no object is safe from your reach.
The above mentioned accomplishment changed mommies WHOLE week. Wait, probably my whole life. You are incredibly fast and move from room to room following us around. We can't leave you unattended for very long, and have to block the stairs too. Busy busy busy tiny Schmuv's.
7.4 -Mommy painted white stripes on your bedroom wall. I still have not got your nursery finished- I need to hang pictures. You'd think I'd have this done nine months in!? nope.
7.5 -You decided that you also wanted to practice walking while holding hands. This was easy for you to learn. And you whip one foot right in front of the other, you can move slow or fast and it is your preferred mode of getting around- but not great on mommies back. You want to practice all the time.
7.6 -To add to your new talents list, you thought it'd be fun to stand on your own today. yeah. this is too many new things all at once honey. Just stop. I want to bottle all your littleness up and enjoy it. The days go by so fast, and each one holds so many wonderful, sweet, treasured, kissable memories! Man, we love you Little Mr. Asher!
At some point this week you started snuffing air in and out of your nose really fast. You especially do it when you're really pleased about something. Even while you're nursing! Also when you're proud of yourself for doing something (like climbing, or walking or sitting up).
You feed yourself cantaloupe chunks. And you love it when I give you a slice of apple in your food net to chomp on.
For breakfast you enjoy rice crispy's, applesauce with oats mixed in, sometimes some yogurt too.
7.7 -Yet another thing. Stair climbing. Ok- not really really, but you did make it up one stair today. You are interested in trying to pull yourself up onto different things, and try to stand.
You helped mommy with laundry- and everything else today. So busy.
7.7 -We were out shopping and apparently you decided you were more than done and ready to go home. Had you strapped in your stroller while we were there and got you out to hold you for a second for a break. Sat you back down in the stroller and you promptly arched your back and slid out, flinging forward and really bonking your little head into a clothes rack. You were very very sad. And it left you with quite the bruise. We've been trying to teach you not to arch your back little buddy, in hopes of preventing things like this. But you recovered and as soon as the bruise goes away, you'll be no worse for the wear.
7.8 -We hung out in the back yard for a while this afternoon. You really enjoy being outside.

About you Asher Clark:
Asher we delight in getting to know you better. We have observed various personality traits. This is the short list: You like to play alone, and do not need to be entertained or held. You do get over stimulated with too many people or activity, and this makes you cranky. You get cranky and fussy in the humidity if you're in it too long. You are calmed by listening to music, especially 'Enya'-sounding or classical or jazz music. You are an observer. It takes you a while to join in an activity, you watch and listen an look at people's faces before your play along. Your smiles come easy- to friends and strangers. (Sometimes you are timid around them too and either stare at them closely and silently, or once in a while turn your face into our body, not often). You like it when people talk to you and your eyes and eye brows do a lot of the interacting for you. You start laughing when people around you laugh. You 'talk' back and forth to us, when we mimic your noises. You have a little temper when something doesn't quite go your way or as you expected it to. This usually comes out with a loud long grunt, and lately more of a high pitched whiney voice, and sometimes you combine it with throwing your head back and arching your back. (but you don't arch your back quite as much anymore). You love babies- you like to see yourself in the mirror and talk to that baby, and when little friends come to play you want to touch and kiss them and you are fascinated to just sit and watch them play and see what they do. You do NOT like to have your diaper changed or put your arms in sleeves, -well you don't like to sit still for it anyway; we've found that giving your new interesting object helps divert your attention. We have not noticed that you have a strong preference for mommy or daddy (one over the other). You don't seem to have a lovely or security object yet; you are starting to want to touch a crocheted blanket mommy made you when you're in bed though.

Asher, we love you ever so much son. We are praying that you will love Jesus at a very young age! And that you will learn to show His love to the people around you well.

Every hour of the day and night is

an unspeakably perfect miracle. -whitman

processing miscarriage and grief posts

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 21:08:00 +0000

Grief is a strange and multi-facetted emotion. It looks different in everyone's personal situation. Each person responds to it out of the overflow of his/her heart. It reveals the things you truly treasure, and value. Grief can be observed and expressed. Although the sad, despairing emotions subside, they don't ever go completely away.

These posts are simply my journey through my own loss. (2 miscarriages, and subsequent pregnancy). I blog intermittently, because I find it helpful for me to process my thoughts in some sort of written way. If you think you may be helped, or your faith strengthened as you work through your own story, please feel free to read them. God has been faithful to me and is healing and molding my heart; He promises to do the same for you. Trust Him with your inner-most feelings. He will uphold you, as He has Charlie and I.

sanctity of life focus-always a special day, MONDAY, JANUARY 26, 2009 Has a link to a precious video our church played 2 weeks after Baby Ruttigar went to be with Jesus.

DAY BY DAY,THURSDAY, JULY 2, 2009 The words to this hymn were/are so encouraging to my hurting heart.

three days on the edge of the spear of god, FRIDAY, JULY 3, 2009

This is the story of Bennett Torger Johnson, born at 18 weeks 3 days. God has used Bennett in our lives to draw us closer to Himself. We are so privileged to have him in our family, and look forward to meeting him in heaven. Written by Charlie.

BEING HELD CLOSE, FEELING SECURE, FRIDAY, JULY 31, 2009

Lam. 3:22-23, an update on trying to live life again, and a thank you to our friends and family who fought for our faith along side us.

SUMMER BIBLE STUDY, SUNDAY, AUGUST 9, 2009

God timed each of these messages perfectly for my summer. Especially note the 2nd ("From Him, Through Him, to Him") and 4th ("A Woman After God's Own Heart") bullet points.

HELP A GIRL OUT, SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 2009

Things I've experienced, learned, and read about helping a grieving friend. (or even a hurting friend). Practical tips and links and encouragement.

COMPLETELY IN ALL, TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2009

Preaching to my heart. An excerpt from post: "Elisabeth Elliot, was incredibly eye opening to me. Especially with regard to Bennett's death. It keeps popping back into my head. "Do I treasure ____(insert your personal vice here-mine is: having a baby) more than I want trust/obey/love/desire to follow my God?" Read on for Biblical encouragement.

My Help and my deliverer, MONDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2009

Psalm 40, God does hear my cry.

WOw-prayer, FRIDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2009

So often it's easy for me to get stuck in my own little pitty-party about the way God has chosen to write my life story. This is a reminder for my heart to hallow Him above all.

God with me, MONDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2009

Walking through the stages of grief, for me was a delayed reaction. It was december that God truly allowed me to deal with my raw emotions. Talks about holidays, friends being pregnant, old dreams, and a Christmas carol I hadn't comprehended before now.

Little babies of 2009, MONDAY, JANUARY 11, 2010

Remembering Ruttigar and Bennett, praying for the blessing of another baby.

paradoxical PONDERINGs- my LENGTHY thoughts lately, THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2010

Please be sure to read the whole post, not just parts, or you'll get the wrong impression. This was a season of grief I truly questioned God, His self-centeredness, His goodness, and love. The Word helped me work through my anger and unbelief. Trust Jesus, He is putting my shattered pieces back together.

heartache- yes still, THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2010

9 months after Bennett's birth I was still working through sorrow and sadness. Grief arises during the next pregnancy about fears and dashed dreams from the last. Has my heart changed? "Trust/Faith = Obedience (coming from a changed heart) Unbelief = Disobedience"

strength for today bright hope for tomorrow, THURSDAY, MAY 6, 2010

mothers day 2010, MONDAY, MAY 10, 2010

Gospel truths for my heart, that forgets that God's ways are higher than my own plans.

Mother's Day is a day to honor and thank God for our mom's. But can also be a time that brings sorrow. My thoughts on that year.

WADING-INSECURITIES-SWIRLING-GRACE FOUND, THURSDAY, JUNE 30, 2011

"today; this moment is the only place I can love Him; find joy in the now." -my thoughts on finding the joy in now, being thankful for my story, and feasting on God's "manna".

Molly Piper also has a GREAT series she's blogged as a result of the stillbirth of her baby girl. I highly recommend reading "How to Help Your Grieving Friend".

The Wessman Family also have several helpful posts on their blog. This is a great post on trusting God through tragedy. Written over a year after their 8 month old little boy Michah went to be with Jesus.

a fresh modern look

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 16:10:00 +0000

home -the before time

We love our home. We like the structure and lines in the roof, the tower, etc. It's not so cookie cutter.

But what we were not fans of at all was the paint- that had faded into this lovely peachy/tan/pink color, and it looked worse in the winter against the white.

Before. Also note the tired door.

So we decided to bite the bullet and get it painted. It was fabulous decision and the only thing it really hurt was our billfold. LOL! ;-)

During. The painters were amazing! Happy, friendly, careful, clean, sing-y, laugh-y, and precise.

What a change and new fresh look a few coats of paint can accomplish! We are quite pleased with the color, it's so different and as Charlie said, "it's not yesterday's color". I agree. And the colors make the brick look great!

After. (All the colors in person are better)

...and our happy little after

home sweet home

wading-insecurities-swirling-grace found

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 21:28:00 +0000

Bear with me as I wade and swirl through these feelings and insecurities.
I didn't know that grieving would look so multi-fasited, and would pop up out of no where when it pleased.

2 years ago today our baby boy, Bennett Torger,
went from living in my womb, to being born; then straight
into the arms of Jesus. All is grace.

I don't even know where to begin this. I've literally had this blog post started since January (that's what- 6 months now?!) and it's been sitting in draft. Life as a new mom has apparently eaten up my free time. ???
I can't concentrate. I need to concentrate, to figure out what it is I'm dealing with inside. I need to know, so I know how to petition my Abba, who cares and hears.

Strange there's (no?) time -since there's only a sweet, little, one of him. But I guess that's good. I've been soaking up each moment, each stage, each needed cuddle. kissing the impossibly, irresistible, chunky cheeks. He is such a joy. Such a handful of spirit/opinion and life. Such a blessing. Such a reminder of God's faithfulness to us, his goodness (in all things), his timing, his love. (Ps. 94:19)

I wade. thoughts swirling.
But in the end I want to know that my feet are planted/rooted/fixed and standing squarely and firmly on The Rock. The Giver of Grace. The Up-holder of my head. The Fountain that pours out mercy for each moment. I know. (Ps. 94:22) (Ps. 71)

And yet.

His ways send me into a tantrum. a child flailing (because obviously I know best, what feels best) (not what IS best!). a valley. to heartache. into the dark mist of the unknown. numb my emotions. make me detach from too many people that care about me. a feeling of not caring; an even reaction to good and bad. Dates remembered. His way that makes me not want to leave the safety of my own house. an avoidance of people I love and conversation I once adored. a heavy guilt that I should even feel these things at all- when others have children they have known, loved, and held die after just a few months of living out of the womb. (Ps 38:9-10)

How can this be?
Is it even right or ok to feel this way?
The counselor in me says yes. I don't want to shove raw emotion (or lack thereof) under the proverbial rug. Get them out and deal with them. But the guilt I feel for my feelings! I feel so silly. I feel like God has spared us when others have had so much worse.

hummm. I compare.
this is my road. The one He ordained for me before my life began. The one that is filled with grace and promises to bring Him ultimate glory. These are my thoughts, my emotions. the ones He created.
He knows.

I only need to be careful how I dwell with them. They in and of themselves are not wrong to feel. They are necessary. They are part of my Authors' chapter. It is comforting to know He created emotions. (Ps. 38:15) there's a reason I'm not writing my story and God is.

And as strange as it feels to write this, I am not necessarily grieving the loss of our two babies (at least all the time). Time passes, and you never forget. Time passes and healing does come. But I still deal with the roller coaster hurt, pain, confusion, shock, awfulness of the combined events of the last few years. Does that make sense? It really doesn't to me. hummm.

I am encouraged by David, in the Bible. He sat RAW and open and honest before God. Basically saying over and over that if God wanted him to feel differently, He would have to be The One to do it, He would have to rescue and restore and renew His soul. He is the only one who can. (Ps. 106:44-45) God is in the moments anyways.

I continue walking forward. I want to live fully alive. I want to live full of grace. I want to see, with thanksgiving, the way He's writing my life story- the good, the bad and the hurt, the wonderful, the cuddly and the sweet as grace. ALL, grace-uncontainable. I must keep a mindset of thanksgiving in ALL things-hands full or empty. That is the way to a life of joy. Thanking God for ALL His graces. Seeing more of Him, the Holder of all that is good for me and the world. (I've been reading lots about this Greek word: Eucharisto in this great book). This is a hard way of living, yet the way to joy. It takes intentionality. I want to name my gifts, so as to give them recognition.

I will live here today; this moment is the only place I can love Him; find joy in the now.

"Joy and pain, they are but two arteries of the one heart that pumps through all those who don't numb themselves to really living". -A. Voskamp

The Bible is God writing His heart.
I will sustain myself on His manna (meaning "what is it"?). The Israelites daily sustained themselves on God's manna (mystery). Duet. 32:39 Job 1:21 All is grace only because He can transfigure all.

8 month Asher

noreply@blogger.com (Manda (+2)) — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 17:28:00 +0000

Happy 8 month birthday Baby Boy!

Eight Months old Asher Clark Johnson

You weight 24lbs according to our home scale still, and you're in 12 month clothes now.

What a busy month of first's you've had...

Month 7, Week 1

5.14 You sit up all by yourself now!

You like to take walks to the park, and this is you hang'n by the railings.

Month 7, Week 2
5.17 -Reaching for toys around him while sitting.
Asher, you play happily in the living room, rolling around the huge space grabbing and playing with different toys.
You enjoy hanging out by the railing posts in the living room; you roll over there and put your feet and hands through and talk. (and often bonk your head on them).

Your favorite teethers, blue ring and sophie and you love being outside!

We started eating more and more food. And we stepped right up to the 3rd level (the kind with chunks in it) and you handle it all really well. But you still like to nurse many times a day.
You like to sit and play by the sliding door and look outside when mommy is working at the computer.
Sitting up on your own has provided you with a whole new perspective on life- and opened the doors to playing with toys in a whole new way. I love that you can sit up so well now!
You LOVE the grass. Sitting in it, laying in it, looking at it, trying to eat it...
Man are you ever working on those teeth! -your favorite toys are the Blue ring and Sophie the giraffe.

You pose for the camera now

Month 7, Week 3
5.24 -You chomped/ate celery by yourself for the first time. You liked that it was hard and cold on your teeth.
5.25 -You started social laughing. I was sitting that the computer reading something funny and I laughed. You were in the living room playing and looked at me and started laughing a "fake" laugh. I looked at you and you smile a HUGE smile.
5.28 -You say mBaaah, Ba, baaa often
You are SUPER fast at rolling, and can get most anywhere you want by doing so.
LOUD, that would describe how you use your voice.

5.30 -You, Mommy and Daddy went to our favorite park on Memorial Day. You sat on a blanket with a couple toys and watched us play bocce ball.

Month 7, Week 4+
6.1 -Asher woke saying "Dadadadada" followed by intermittent squeals of delight.
6.2 -Both of the top two front teeth popped through at the same time today!
6.3 -OH NO. He enjoys these new things in his mouth and grinds the top and bottom teeth together! GRIND. EEK! (Mommy hates that sound).

Fun week with family in DesMoines and Waterloo

6.4 -We went swimming for the first time as a little family. It was super hot and windy, we were in Waterloo. Grammy and your Aunty's and cousin Landon came too! Daddy took you in the sprinkle fountain first and then into the deeper water and you swished around. You seemed to enjoy it and were taking in all the kids laughing and screaming and splashing around you. You didn't mind a bit if you got splashed on.

First time swimming!

6.6 -We noticed you have a "camera posing face". You see the camera and you immediately squint your eyes and flash a cheesy smile, it's pretty funny Buddy. (your eyes and lips look like you're trying to make the 'blue steal' face).
6.8 -You popped up on all fours today! Your little tush high in the air first, and then you showed your strong arm muscles pushing right up. (looked like you were doing the downward dog pose, arms and legs straight).
6.9 -Now you roll all over and and pop up onto your hands and knees!- and promptly rock back and forth on them.
6.9 - You make the sound "mmmmmmnnnnAH" And you do it most often when you're a little concerned, concentrating or frustrated. Your jabbers are getting to be filled with different sounds. We like it.

FOOD:
You like blended turkey/chicken mixed with veggies (with little chunks in it) and ya love green beans, carrots and sweet potato. Mommy made you baby food this month, spices and all.
You like most of the foods to have oat cereal mixed in -mostly to thicken them; you're WAY over puree's. Fruits seem to be something you tolerate, but not love. Veggie's and meat you open your mouth wide and lean into it, but fruits you casually open and close. Although you do seem to like prunes, and will eat all the other fruits we've tried. You also chew/gum on rice cakes and sweet potato stars. You drink from your sippy cup much better now; you don't like the spill proof lids though. So I guess that now means you were just not a bottle baby- since you did not take any kind of bottle- ever. You sit at the table when you eat. You really chomp your rice cakes down FAST! And you like to naw on foods through your netting ring/food chewer thingy.

Asher, you add so much so and silliness to our lives!

You still enjoy your jumper and continue to bounce whether you're in it or not. (Our arms are getting strong)! You also enjoy the activity saucer, you easily can spend nearly an hour in each. Playing, talking and looking around while you listen to music. You're a really good baby Tiny Friend. You like to take in the places and people around you; when in a new places you are often sorta sober and quiet and observant. -Then you warm up and are your smiley loud little self.

Dada and Momma Love you bunches and bunches. We thank God He gave us you!