Westwind Invitation Tour provides an inspirational slideshow on just how wonderful this opportunity will be.

Elders of MKP, are you in?

cjc

One of the most common things I hear from clients is along the lines of “When I [fill in the blank], I’ll be able to/will do [fill in the blank].” That may be talking to their spouse/partner about something that has been bothering them for years, and keeping them in a constant state of withheld intimacy. It may be finally going for the dream career that they’ve pined for for years. Maybe it’s to actually start doing the self-care regimen that has been put off for years. Whatever it is, I’m sure you can easily pinpoint what it is you keep putting off for whenever the moon and stars are perfectly aligned for, before you’ll allow yourself to take the leap into some desire.

The one exception to this seems to be when we feel like we have no other choice (or, in fact, we don’t). When given what seems to be no other viable option – usually after being hit with the proverbial “Cosmic Two-by-Four” like a requested divorce, loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or any other pretty lethal disappointment/life-changer – we will finally confront one of the (if not only) forms of true freedom we really have: the freedom to make our own choices.

Yet, we avoid this in so many ways, both subtle and blatant. We do this, in one way or another, as we watch so much drama, change, and devastation happening on the planet, with people & families, and with our pictures of what we thought life would/could be like. Relationships are prime ground for this to happen in on a daily basis. When I work with people on their relationship, there is often a seemingly endless succession of opportunities for intimacy, expansion, healing, and relief that will get postponed for various reasons which, to the person telling them to me, all seem perfectly reasonable! Unfortunately, for so many of us, we’ve settled for those perfectly reasonable justifications for not going for what we are really wanting, or sharing what we are truly feeling, for weeks, months, or years…and, the whole time, wondering why we’re not happier!

This has me asking myself (you bet I’m doing it, too), my friends, and my clients a question that seems to me to be one of the most critical and profound questions any of us should be asking ourselves and anyone we care about: “WHAT ARE YOU (WHAT AM I) WAITING FOR?” (In moments of heightened passion for this question, it may be shortened to “WTF are you waiting for?”)

When I was at David Neagle’s Breaking Free Live Event , in April of 2011, he showed a film called I Am Alive: Surviving The Andes Plane Crash. It is a documentary, done by the History Channel, on the 1972 plane crash where 42 soccer players found their plane crashing in the Andes in the dead of winter, and how the survivors dealt with the choices of what it would take to be able to survive. There were two men who decided to risk being able to reach help, rather than just sit and wait in the fuselage of the plane for the certain death that was going to be unavoidable.

One of the most stunning questions that emerged for me from watching this film was what would it take in my life, for me to choose to take the risks of climbing out to seek a chance of life (which, in their case, meant walking across Andes summits without the benefit of today’s modern extreme weather gear) versus the certainty of death were I to do nothing but wait to die. As it happens, I’ve actually already faced that choice on numerous occasions in my life. Because you’re the one reading this right now, I put the question to you!

What are you willing to let yourself die to in your internal set of pictures about who you are, and what you’re capable of, in order to have the chance to LIVE? The men who got help in 1972 were willing to risk death to be able to live, and help their comrades live. In your relationships, be it with your love partner, your children, your best friends; what are you willing to die for to be able to know you’re truly living to your (and that particular relationship’s) fullest potential and passionate longings? What gifts does your relationship have to offer to others besides the two of you that aren’t getting to be given, because you are hanging out in the fuselage waiting for some miracle?

To not even ask that question – much less have the courage I know it takes to really listen to the answer from your heart and Spirit, rather than your ego – seems to me a death sentence of a different sort. In light, again, of all the MASSIVE unrest and shifting that’s happening all around us, and scaring the living doo-doo out of so many people, there is no other question…seems to me, anyway…that may be more important right now. Our children…our grandchildren…the generations coming after us…are all waiting for us to ask not only that question, but also:

What am I waiting for?

In case you need some supporting arguments for why this is so critical, besides my opinions, and/or what it might take, go and watch
I Am Alive for yourself, and (this is just as important) watch the documentary called I Am This is one of the most important films I’ve ever seen.

Whatever your heart, your Spirit, guide you to do…my challenge to myself, and to you, is to – at the very least – pick one thing to stop waiting for…and, if you can’t seem to get there, remember you don’t have to do it by yourself (hell, I don’t even think we can do it by ourselves).

I would really love to hear what comes up for you about this topic and article. If you would be willing to share, and would want it to be anonymous, please email me at laughtoncoach@gmail.com. If you’re willing to have your experiences be of more immediate use and support for others trying to figure all this stuff out too, I invite you to post a comment or a note, to my Living Your Spirit Now Facebook fan page (click here: geoff’s fan page).

So what are you waiting for?

Geoff helps couples get the relationship back with each other that they’ve been dreaming of instead of continuing to live the one they’ve been settling for.
Geoff is a Master Relationships Recovery Coach who has spent the last 15 years guiding individuals and couples worldwide in re-energizing and re-inventing their relationships – with themselves and others – before they get irreparably damaged. This, combined with his 29 years as a loving husband and father, has provided Geoff with the real-life experience needed to guide others in rescuing and renewing the relationships into which so much time, love, and energy have been invested – and need not be wasted.

The New Macho

He cleans up after himself.
He cleans up the planet.
He is a role model for young men.
He is rigorously honest and fiercely optimistic.

He holds himself accountable.
He knows what he feels.
He knows how to cry and he lets it go.
He knows how to rage without hurting others.
He knows how to fear and how to keep moving.
He seeks self-mastery.

He’s let go of childish shame.
He feels guilty when he’s done something wrong.
He is kind to men, kind to women, kind to children.
He teaches others how to be kind.
He says he’s sorry.

He stopped blaming women or his parents or men for his pain years ago.
He stopped letting his defenses ruin his relationships.
He stopped letting his libido run his life.
He has enough self respect to tell the truth.
He creates intimacy and trust with his actions.
He has men who he turns to for support.

He knows how to roll with it.
He knows how to make it happen.
He is disciplined when he needs to be.
He is flexible when he needs to be.
He listens from the core of his being.

He’s not afraid to get dirty.
He’s ready to confront his limitations.
He has high expectations for himself and those he connects with.
He looks for ways to serve others.
He knows he is an individual.
He knows we are all one.
He knows he is an animal and a part of nature.
He knows his spirit and his connection to something greater.

He knows future generations are watching his actions.
He builds communities where people are respected and valued.
He takes responsibility for himself.
In times of need, he will be his brother’s keeper.

He knows his higher purpose.
He loves with fierceness.
He laughs with abandon, because he gets the joke.

By no means is this list complete.
You are welcome to bring your
gifts to the ManKind Project community.

- Boysen Hodgson

Take a risk and come to the New Warrior Training Adventure.

We help men grow. Because the world needs grown up men.

If these words speak to your heart, learn more about us at The ManKind Project

Boysen Hodgson is the Editor of the ManKind Project Journal and the Marketing and Communications Director for the ManKind Project USA. Boysen graduated summa cum laude with a BA in English Lit. and completed 2 years of Design coursework at Cornell University. He owns H2O Marketing, Inc., a Graphic Design and Marketing Company in Springfield, Massachusetts. He’s a dedicated husband. Boysen completed the New Warrior Training Adventure in 2004.

It’s been said that the best leaders are terrific teachers.

So what do the best teachers do to teach so well?

• They create an environment where their students want to be there.
• It’s fun.
• They make learning active.
• They draw on the experience the students already have.
• They get their students to retain knowledge by teaching as they learn.
• They use multiple senses, formats, and modes.

One of the highest awards a teacher can receive is the Milken Educator Award.

You don’t apply for the MEA.

They find you.

The recipient is given a $25,000 prize, in a surprise ceremony at their school assembly.

Last October, at Glastonbury (CT) High School, Douglas Hutton, a physics teacher won this prestigious award.

Hutton’s been teaching physics for 18 years.

Why did Hutton win?

According to news reports,

His lessons include props, such as auto parts and gliders. When he explains acceleration, he uses a push cart and a baseball and it works.

He is receiving the national honor for using real-world examples to help his students understand physics.

He is so successful that students sometimes take on the role of teachers themselves as they present demonstrations to each other and using critical thinking skills to arrive at the correct conclusions.

By the way, Hutton’s students significantly outperform the national and state averages on Advanced Placement exams.

Great teaching translates into great results.

I don’t know about you, but I remember hating physics. It never made sense, and it seemed completely useless.   It had nothing to do with my world.

In reading about Hutton, it made me reconsider.  Maybe it wasn’t the subject.  Maybe it was the teacher.

Great teachers make things matter.

They make things come to life.  They create urgency.  They instill passion in their students.

Isn’t that what great leaders do, too?

Which of these “teacher lessons” can you apply to be a more effective leader?

Alain Hunkins leads personal and professional development trainings for individuals, teams and organizations. Over the last two decades, Alain has facilitated for over a thousand groups, ranging from at-risk youth to Fortune 500 executives. He moves between the educational, artistic, not-for-profit, government and corporate worlds. Alain sharpened his facilitation skills as an Educational Consultant in New York City, developing programs on many subjects, including Conflict Resolution, Networking, Customer Service, Communication, and Leadership.

Alain earned a Bachelor of Arts degree from Amherst College and his Masters of Fine Arts from the University of Wisconsin/Milwaukee Professional Theater Training Program. He is a certified Leadership Challenge & MBTI facilitator, as well as a certified co-leader for ManKind Project International, whose mission is to help men lead missions of service in their families, communities, and workplaces. Alain completed the New Warrior Training Adventure in 1995.

My first memorable experience with cognitive dissonance came after reading a quote attributed to Nelson Mandela: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”

Something about that seemed weird to me.

South Africans fearful of their power? They lived in a society where institutionalized racism was defended by millions, and where people, White and Black, expected to be imprisoned for speaking out. They were fighting and dying to be seen as human beings. I didn’t see people afraid of their power. They wanted more power. More liberty to live their own lives.

It seemed to me as if Mr. Mandela was saying the reason their lives were so miserable was because they were afraid of their power.

Over time I found out that the quote was not something President Mandela ever said, it is from a book written by a women named Marianne Williamson. Since then I give greater consideration to my instincts.

My most recent experience of cognitive dissonance came after I read these words superimposed on a photograph of a lone male figure: “Our background and circumstances may influence who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.”

Once again, this just sounded weird to me.

What came to mind was a boy or a girl who was raped from the age of twelve until they could finally escape from the nightmare of circumstance. What opportunity would they have of developing a concept of “becoming” as a “responsibility”?

Frankly, I just can’t see myself saying or even thinking, “That’s terrible. I’m sorry you went through that. But remember that it’s your responsibility to find out who you are. Good luck with that.”

I would be compelled, by my basic humanity, to try to help that person in some way.

This glib phrase also gives no mention of what resources or tactics to take in becoming “who we are” such as the late author Kurt Vonnegut shared during an interview with Charlie Rose, Vonnegut said: “Now, the important life experiences are not just things like food and sex, but also ‘becoming’. And this involves reading, study, practicing an art, whatever.”

Wolves are four legged pack animals. There are few sadder sounds then a lone wolf howling, with no pack to respond. The lone wolf isn’t a rugged individual going it alone. A lone wolf is an animal who was driven out or somehow lost the other members of its pack.

Humans are two legged pack animals. Apart from the lonely howls all of us have made in our lives, we have Pulitzer Prize winning historian David McCullough, who, at a talk he gave in Boston on August 7th 2007, said “One of the lessons of history is that there is no such thing as a self made man or women. It’s a ridiculous expression. It ought to be dropped from usage.”

Then there’s the late Mr. Fred “McFeely” Rogers who, during his acceptance speech for a Life Time Achievement Emmy Award said, All of us have special ones who have loved us into being.”

But what does that mean? Just to put the statement in context, go to the link above and watch the video where Mr. Rogers shared his perspective. It’s only three minutes long. I’ll wait for you right here.

Dum-de-dum-dum…

OK, now that you’re back, consider his request of taking ten seconds to “think of the people who helped you become who you are.”

Is that “special someone” Mr. Rogers spoke of part of our circumstances? Or are they, as Fred Rogers said, what helps us become who we are? And who ever said that they were two separate things?

And what’s more, why are short, streamlined statements of “wisdom” so popular?

I’ve come to believe that these short, out of context quotes, validate what we already believe. If so, it could limiting us instead of enlightening us. Leaving us more isolated in a reality bubble of our own making.

Meanwhile, at last count, the image of the lone man with the words “It’s your responsibility to find out who you are.” was shared on Face Book by 677 MKP participants.

I must confess to feeling irritated and discouraged by that number. I want this to be more then venting. My hope that “just” one man considers the questions I’m asking and, ideally, comes up with some new questions of his own.

Pedro Serrano, a New Warrior, hosts a community affairs radio show from 1.00 to 2.00 PM on WRSU 88.7FM . “I’m a spoken word artist. Some of my spoken word can be found on youtube.  And I’m writing a book about being an out Gay role model for punk rockers and skinheads.”

“I just don’t trust men in general,” she said. “They’ve hurt me and disappointed me too many times.”

“As a man, I thank you for trusting me enough to admit that,” I replied calmly to my client.

“I don’t mean you. I mean…well, you’re different,” she said nervously, afraid that she may have offended a supportive man.

“It’s ok. We’re talking about you right now. How am I different to you?” I asked with encouragement.

“Well, you’re different because you’ve earned my trust. You showed me that you care each time I see you. I feel your acceptance of me.”

This conversation is not just from one client. In fact, I can recall a similar script being repeated by both male and female clients in my private practice as a Healer. I hear it as well in the candid conversations of my everyday life, echoing that yearning for more trusted men. But with that yearning comes the struggle to find trustworthy men, and then the challenges of letting those men in emotionally. This repetitive notion has shown me that there is a prevalent mistrust of men, which can be held by anyone who has been betrayed or abandoned by a man in the past. At its basest level, this notion is an unaddressed stereotype that can be harmful because it keeps open-hearted men veiled by our suspicions. It is also harmful because it can shame all men, whether they have committed an offense of not. By keeping good men out of our lives, we feel neglect, and further the stereotype. By not distinguishing honest men from men who lack integrity, we let the wrong guy in which leads to betrayal. This is a painful cycle experienced by many of the people I have met.

I too, have struggled to trust men. Though there have been a few gems in my life, I have not deeply connected to most of the men I have encountered. I’ve never been a big sports fan. I don’t have an obsession with cars and I’ve often felt like an odd ball on sports teams. These are some of the culturally encouraged ways for a man to connect with other men. Yet, I was left starving for male contact.

As a straight man, I have both admired and envied how gay men were able to come together, bonded by the initiation that is the “coming out” process. In many ways, they have been pioneers of safe male connection. I was able to find some of this male bonding through Native drum groups and the Cornell Thai Boxing Team. But I longed to have a space that was just about men supporting men. No competition, no distraction, just a space where men could reveal themselves without trying to impress each other. There were good men in these teams and groups, yet we never slowed down enough to connect heart to heart.

I used to work with a Navajo medicine man in New Mexico. Though his people still have an extensive women initiation ceremony, he was sad to share, “We don’t have a initiation ceremony for men anymore,” he replied. My own longing led me to create a men’s initiation ceremony while living on the Cochiti Pueblo Reservation. The private ceremony brought men together from different walks of life, a place where men were allowed to express their feelings and struggles. They had no other place to share this part of themselves. Being the facilitator of this initiation was powerful, fulfilling, yet incomplete for me personally. To further build my trust in men, I needed men to hold the space for me. I needed to be witnessed as a man, not the facilitator.

I recently had this experience when I joined a men’s support group in Hawaii called The Mankind Project. In addition to weekly support groups, I also took part in the New Warrior initiation weekend . It was the first time I was able to be in a group of 70+ men that I did not know, yet still feel safe. I was seen as a good man, a brave man who was willing to help others in need. But even more significantly for me, I was able to receive support from men who were perfect strangers.

Honest, consistent communication and presence seemed to melt that mistrust which I have developed towards men. Going through an initiation together showed us that we were not going to cut and run. It formed a bond worth forming. We supported each other in being in our integrity and didn’t ask each other to apologize for being a man.

Having this support is helping me to see that I am not a lone man of integrity with little male support. There are trustworthy men out there that are often painted with mistrust. But, perhaps honest men just need to be seen by each other so that we can reveal ourselves more freely.

Get the Poster!

Men’s Health week is June 11-17, 2012. The ManKind Project, a non-profit men’s training and educational organization, is partnering with the Men’s Health Network, a Washington, DC based non-profit advocacy and education organization, to raise awareness about men’s health issues for the whole month of June.

The ManKind Project, with its global network of men’s peer-support groups, is dedicated to creating safer and healthier communities by supporting mature masculinity and challenging unhealthy male stereotypes and behaviors. The ManKind Project will be holding events throughout the month of June to support men to take charge of their health, get screened for common men’s health conditions, and break the silence about the impacts men’s health problems have on our families and communities. You can get involved by getting free Resources for Men’s Health at the ManKind Project website. If you’re a man ready to take a challenging step to improving all aspects of your life; including your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual life, consider joining a men’s group or attending a weekend intensive for men offered by the ManKind Project.

Man Up. Get Healthy.

One of the most powerful choices you can make as a man is the choice to care for yourself. Men are often reluctant to seek the help they need because of cultural messages that we are supposed to somehow be indestructible. We’re not. Fear and Shame can be powerful motivators to stay stuck in old behaviors that no longer help you. Today, you can take a big step toward changing that old pattern.

What’s more … you don’t have to do it alone. In the ManKind Project, men have a community to give them the extra ‘push’ they need to begin creating healthy habits. We also have the skills and resources to help men get unstuck from the stickiest old habits.

As a starting place … grab the great resources below.

And when you’re ready for some real support from other men like you, connect with a local ManKind Project Community and take the risk to change your life.

Quick Resources

Men’s Blueprint for Health – PDF
Get It Checked – for Men and Women

MKP Men – Get an EASY to USE Flyer for your Wear Blue Event.
Do a WEAR BLUE Event in your Men’s Group!

As a way to recognize this partnership and gain national exposure for the ManKind Project – you and your community can take action to raise awareness of men’s health issues – DO A WEAR BLUE EVENT in your IGroup or at Community Event.

It’s almost TOO EASY.

1. Wear Blue
2. Print Poster(s) (like this one … HERE)
3. Take a Picture of your group holding some posters. (Send it to me … boysen@mkp.org)
4. [OPTIONAL] – Make a group donation to the Men’s Health Network (a 501c(3) charitable org) (Donate HERE)

I will post the pictures up on the International Facebook Page and send them to the Men’s Health Network for distribution and promotion of their international campaign. MKP gets recognized in Press Releases for the Men’s Health Network.

For more information please contact: Boysen Hodgson, MKP USA Communications Director, communications@mkpusa.org

ManKind Project and the Men’s Health Network; Partnering for Men’s Health

Boysen Hodgson is the Editor of the ManKind Project Journal and the Marketing and Communications Director for the ManKind Project USA. Boysen graduated summa cum laude with a BA in English Lit. and completed 2 years of Design coursework at Cornell University. He owns H2O Marketing, Inc., a Graphic Design and Marketing Company in Springfield, Massachusetts. He’s a dedicated husband. Boysen completed the New Warrior Training Adventure in 2004.

The video on the page below, Categorizing Emotions, does just that, lending a psychological perspective to emotions as they are perceived in a multicultural context. The MKP Journal is grateful to New Warrior Training Adventure leader and professional Diversity Trainer Andy Towlen for posting this link on the MKP New England Talk List.

Categorizing Emotions appeared on the Education Academy Portal website.

cjc

I spent a delightful afternoon yesterday reading the Barefoot Books collection of Indian Tales, as told by Shenaaz Naji and illustrated by Christopher Corr. Barefoot Books aims to “celebrate art and story that opens the hearts and minds of children from all walks of life, inspiring them to read deeper, search further, and explore their own creative gifts.” I was initially attracted to their list by a press release mentioning a collection of Buddhist Tales (more of this in a later post.) My new little grandson, Luka, now barely six months old, is already fascinated and loves to sit on my lap and turn the board pages of his baby books. It’s not so much a matter of “reading” to him yet, but the experience of being close and watching him learn is in itself a joy.

It was with this in mind, and the prospect of reading more to him as the months and years pass, that I contacted Barefoot, and they were kind enough to send me a generous sampling of their publications for review. Each one of these story books is beautifully written and exquisitely illustrated, with a real feel not only for the culture they represent but also for content that teaches, without sentimentality or preaching, the values of kindness and compassion, awareness to the world and its natural beauties, and sensitivity to living beings of all kinds. These are the kind of things that I myself have come to value most in life, and the gift I would most like to pass on to little Luka if I am given the opportunity.

The stories are produced for children of all ages, and Luka is certainly not ready yet for these Indian tales, but one day, perhaps when he’s seven or eight, or a little older… The stories themselves are culled from the great wealth of Indian mythology and literature, and are delightfully told in simple language, without fuss or condescension. They originate in a spectrum of different regions that spans the sub-continent, and each story is preceded by an informative passage that describes the geography and special culture of the region — from the distinctive foods and flavors to the manner of dress and furnishings, the dances and social customs as well as the religious beliefs. I myself learned a lot I had never known about India from my afternoon’s reading!

The illustrations, too, are a delight: richly conceived, thoughtfully interactive with the stories, and with a clear reference to the literary and artistic traditions from which they spring, they benefit also from an awareness of the diversity of contemporary artistic expression. A glance through the other books that Barefoot sent is evidence that Indian Tales is no one-off success story. I’ll be writing more about those others in a future post, with special attention to their Buddhist content. In the meantime, I apologize for what seems like a rather weighty way of writing about something as innocently diverting as a children’s book; but believe me, if you have children of any age in your family to entertain and teach with a purely pleasurable reading experience, Barefoot Books is worthy of your attention. They also do CDs and puzzles, and much more.

Many years ago, a long-time AA member I knew introduced me to the Shit Fairy. The Shit Fairy is the little voice on my shoulder that fills my ear with shit–bullshit, horseshit, and chicken shit. If I listen to this long enough, it turns my life into shit. What I say is bullshit, what I do is horseshit, and I am a chicken shit–a coward to the bone. Everyone who knows me, knows about the piles of shit in my life. They tiptoe around them and don’t say anything, but they know they are there. I’m not going to live a shit-free life. But what I can do is turn this into fertilizer.

I have been mission coordinator in New England for over a year, and encouraging mission is central to my own mission. What this says about me–my truth–is that at bottom I am a very selfish man. It’s all about me. I don’t give easily. I don’t give to charity, I walk by the homeless people on the street muttering a story to myself about how they are lazy addicts, and I don’t give my time away easily, even to my own kids. (That one hurts to admit). I am always keeping track of favors I give, waiting impatiently for others to pay them back. I am staunchly selfish, and I justify the selfishness easily through years of practice: I’ll do it later, I’ll give at the office, I’m already doing plenty, I can’t afford it, I’m too busy, etc. If I ever do give anything away, I expect a Nobel prize. I have shame when I speak this truth to you, that I’m basically focused just on me, and that I give up my life energy only when they pry it from my dead cold hands.

When I say my mission, I am lying. I believe that is true for every man. “I create a world of peace through giving.” Yeah, right. “I create a world of love by loving others and myself.” Yeah, sure you do. You can’t bullshit a bullshitter.

When I say my mission, I am also defining my life work. C. G. Jung, in talking about the work of psychotherapy, borrowed the alchemical phrase the opus contra naturam, the “work against nature.” My work in life is working against the given of who I am, working against my personality. I also believe that is true of every man. I believe that a central purpose of the Mankind Project is working against personality in order to develop character.

Personality is different from character. A man’s personality is his primary emotional programming, his temperament. It is “what comes naturally” to a person. It determines whether he tends to react to life with a pleasant smile, a sense of foreboding, a fatalistic shrug, or a defensive posture. Personality is something that is a given in a person’s life, the product of genes and environment. These are well-worn ways of understanding and responding to events. Personality seems ancient, natural, and automatic. It is a first-responder in every situation—quick and efficient. For instance, my first reaction may be to distance, or to get mad, or to empathize with others, or to tough it out alone. These first reactions seem to happen prior to thought or planning.

Character is a second responder. It is Plan B. It is not something I am born with, not something that develops naturally. It is something I must build, a moral achievement. It has a close relationship with personality or temperament, because personality is the earth from which character emerges. However, building character means that I work against my natural response to things, and choose a direction that matches my highest principles. Character is not built directly. If I set out to build character, I build ego. If I set out to build character, my primary concern is not what I do or what I am, but rather how I appear to others, or what I have to gain. I may achieve success and fame and admiration, but not character. Character is a by-product of the decisions I make in the world. It is the by-product of my battle against my personality, my primary programming.

Building character begins when my primary programming begins to run into problems. I may have detected some flaws in the primary programming long before, but generally I need to run aground, to crash and burn many times, before I really get it. Generally, the logic of a young man when Plan A has crashed and burned is this: It’s just bad luck, I’ll try it again and have better luck next time. Or: Just a small tweak in my plan will make it work. Or: If only he hadn’t gotten in my way and blocked my view, I could have made it. This blithe persistence is admirable and necessary in a young man. If I have a son, I want him to keep getting on the bike after he wrecks, to keep his chin up, to bounce back after he has lost the game, to take failure lightly. I want him to stay hopeful so that he can go beyond what he thought his limits were. But my deepest desire for him is that he learns what I may not be able to teach. I want him to learn to search within the wreckage of his life for what is really valuable, to fix what he has broken, to hear a voice within that can lead him to something richer, to start over again after he has lost what he believed he couldn’t live without. And I can’t teach him these things because I’m lost in these woods myself. And perhaps, no man can teach these things to another.

It takes several crashes of Plan A before the realization begins to form: Plan A is not working. The problem is not bad luck or other people. The problem is Plan A—my personality. The work of character-building begins on the other side of the failure, after I realize I have squandered my birthright, blown the inheritance, fucked everything up. It starts when the program has crashed, and I recognize that the flaws are not incidental, they are basic. It hits me that I must shape my life. I start to rebuild, to cobble something new together out of the ashes and debris. This is the humble, hard, day-to-day work of shaping myself as the man I want to become.

As we come to the realization that Plan A is not working for us, we open up the opportunity for Character – Plan B, to come into its own.

Steve Simmer, for those of us privileged to know him, lives his life in the midst of the constant stream and theme of mission. Appropriately enough, one of his formal mission statements is that he “creates a world of freedom by encouraging men with my courage to do all that they can be and to be all that they can do.” By profession a psychotherapist, he works continuously to inspire men to actively find and engage in their own mission in this world. Dr. Simmer completed the New Warrior Training Adventure back in 2001, and has never been the same man since.

cjc