by Randall Richard Rogers

Let me be clear right from the start. It’s conceivable you are looking at this photo, taking into account the Facebook page you’re on, and, noticing our proximity to Ely, Minnesota and the Boundary Waters. It’s not the moon over those pristine waters.

It’s David Kaar’s flashlight shining into the black night off the dock where he’s desperately hoping a boat is coming to pick-up four weary travelers and deliver them safely to camp three-quarters of a mile away across the lake.

This story begins four or five hours earlier. Maybe years.

It is Friday evening late in July at Rendezvous Fall Lake, 2019. Rendezvous is a gathering of men, mostly initiated men, some of whom began this ritual more than 30 years ago. They realized the relationships that began to form while staffing Warrior Weekends couldn’t grow and deepen within the pace and structure of the weekend itself. So, Rendezvous was conceived to give men an opportunity to breathe deeply, to expand their hearts and friendships. This place, tucked just outside the Boundary Waters afforded just such an experience.

On this particular Friday, Snake and I, along with three or four men have been working to prepare the camp for the arrival of men. There’s bushwhacking, trail clearing, camp site clearing and still time for a swim and morning circle blessed with the open hearts of hard-working men and the occasional eagle fly by.

The work is fun, the air is clear, men’s spirits are high, and damn I can get tired when the sun begins it’s precipitous drop. Around 5 or 6 I am told Kaar’s group, the last to arrive, has suffered a late flight arrival and they don’t anticipate arriving at the dock before 10pm. Hmmmm. David Kaar late?

As evening arrives and the food is put away, a circle forms. Bill Kauth is already in camp, and Joe Laur and Tosi. The evening circle is rich with story, parable and metaphor. Maybe it is one of them that sparked the thunderstorms? At any rate, like a dull thunder an update call comes in from Kaar, Kauth informs me they are running later still. There is new road construction not present just a few days ago. In between lightning strikes a conversation begins in camp . . . perhaps they should find lodging and come over in the morning? Water, lightning and aluminum boats are not a good mix.

These developments are very important to me as I realize I haven’t given you all the pertinent facts. There is really just one. I am the boatman. I am the one responsible for getting these men safely to camp whenever they come in.

This weekend happens to be a magical time in Ely. It is their annual Blueberry Festival. Every corner is filled with people, admirers of the rustic adventuring Ely is famous for. The park is full of exhibitors, coffee shops and bars do big business, music fills the air and laughter is abundant. But, not hotel rooms. So Kaar and his group are encouraged to stop in Virginia, thirty miles back, to seek lodging and spend the night. We have agreement and a plan and at 11:30pm on a moonless night, I am beginning to imagine a sound night’s sleep.

At 12:10 my phone rings. I am giddy for sleep in my tent and it is possible I had already dozed off just slightly. It is Kauth and he has taken a personal interest in this saga. Turns out there were no vacancies in Virginia. Kaar and is cadre are coming and due to arrive at the dock at 12:45 am. Game on.

I get dressed and struggle to find my headlamp. I am a full 150 yards out of camp perched in my tent with a lovely morning view of the lake. It is not morning. As I scurry through the woods, every tree wants to trip me. Branches are slapping me, it’s like my personal Trust Walk. I arrive at the dock knowing it will require two trips with the 16′ boat. Bill Kauth insists on joining me. I suggest I can manage and he insists he feels personally responsible. I relent and admire his personal attentiveness to getting these men to camp. We set off with hardly a plan in the dark.

It occurred to me earlier in the day when this first became a possibility that we did not have night navigational lights for the boat. Green and red, for bow and transom, they signal others on the water your whereabouts and direction. Wow, I am aware now. I realize quickly my headlamp is causing me more trouble than aid. I turn it off. We are just 50 feet into the journey when the motor dies and I have to persuade Kauth to turn his lamp off too. I can’t see a thing in the glare. Breathe, Randall.

We wait.

No more than two minutes later, my eyes clear, the shadows lighten and contrast rises. I start the motor having opened the tank valve a bit. I encourage Bill to keep his lamp off and I am amazed at how the lake, the trees and the moonless sky reveal themselves. Something comes home inside of me and joy bubbles. I am going to bring these men out onto the lake in absolute, utter darkness. I could not have conceived a more apt introduction and ritual.

That light on the dock, reminds me of the light I am always shining into the dark of my life. It brings me right to my weekend and equally to this moment in the world. Still, there’s humor for when I see the gear that has come with these men, I am reminded. It’s not unlike a warrior weekend after all. Old warriors, it turns out, forget what it is to watch men unload their cars as they arrive for a training. “Bring only what you need for the weekend” I hear, gently and with a smile.

On the first trip, I bring two men with as much baggage as I dare. The boat is full and riding low and I am waiting. Waiting to tell them to turn off all their headlamps. I have to insist. We pull away from the dock into abject blackness. With the storm’s passing there remains only a gentle breeze and already a few stars have begun to present themselves. I am ready. I know the rocks, I know the bouys, I see the tree lines almost like they are signals. The motor is purring.

In ten minutes we are approaching the middle of the lake. Unannounced, I cut the motor and the vessel rides its own energy for a minute or two. Listen. The invitation is complete, finer than I could have construed. In the near silence, the lapping of the water, laughter from a distant camp fire and a renegade Loon welcome us. How could I have resisted this? How many other gifts lie in the places too dark to see?

I hope to see you this year. Make your plans, bring a stout headlamp but be prepared not to always rely on it. I’ve gotta go, I’ve got more men to bring across.

A conversation with Leonard Szymczak about fatherhood, his TEDx talk, and the evolution of men’s work, with MKP USA’s Communications Director Boysen Hodgson. 

Szymczak has been a marriage and family therapist for over 30 years, and part of a men’s group for over 35 years. 

“Men are floundering … and we definitely need to be connected through a men’s group.” 

“The men’s movement has tended to be more separate, more “I” work, and what we’re needing now is more “We” work.” 

In this conversation we talk about the changing world of the men’s work, how the work continues to evolve and change through the lenses of therapy, culture, and integral theory. 

We talk about the responsibility of maturity for men in our culture, the necessary collaboration and partnership between men and women, avoiding blame and attack. 

Link to the ManKind Project: https://mankindproject.org
Link to the ManKind Project USA: http://mkpusa.org
Link to Leonard’s TEDx: https://www.ted.com/talks/leonard_szymczak_in_the_age_of_superheroes_where_are_the_fathers
Link to Szymczak’s website: https://leonardszymczak.com/ 

An in depth conversation about pornography with Joerg Calvis of the ManKind Project Germany, founder of the ‘Open Green Heart‘ (https://humanmankind.com/) problem, and Gary Wilson, author, researcher, and creator of the site ‘Your Brain On Porn‘ (http://yourbrainonporn.com). 

In this conversation we explore: 

• the ‘old’ porn vs. the ‘new’ porn
• voyeurism vs agency
• novelty, repetition, and arousal
• the brain science of pornography 
• how common is porn addiction
• porn and erectile dysfunction
• how men are ‘waking up’ to the harms of pornography
• pornography and health as men of integrity
• what men can do to actively reclaim their lives
• the Open Green Heart accountability process
• can we come back from porn addiction?

This powerful conversation was inspired by Joerg Calvis, and I am deeply grateful for the opportunity. If you want to learn more and take action, please see the resources below from the broadcast. 

Pornography is ubiquitus in western culture. What is the impact it’s having on young people, who are growing up surrounded by it? Why are we not talking about it more? I view this as a crisis in our culture that can only be healed if we begin to openly face it and talk about it. This is not to say that I believe that all use of porn is damaging or harmful to the viewer. Just as I would not say that all use of alcohol or any other substance is always damaging or harmful. But I think that we must, as a culture, face the reality of the changes we are making to our brains, our natural reward systems, and our relationships with men and women as a result of porn use. 

In this wide-ranging conversation, we cover multiple aspects of the topic: from evidence of the problem, the phsysiology of porn use, brain neurology, recognizing our connection to porn, and paths to recovery. 

Gary Wilson “The Great Porn Experiment” TEDx: https://youtu.be/wSF82AwSDiU 

Your Brain on Porn: https://yourbrainonporn.com

Open Green Heart Project: https://humanmankind.com/

The ‘No Fap’ Movement: https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/ 

“In the Realm of the Hungry Ghosts,” by Dr. Gabor Maté 

, Guest post from Rabbi David Burstein,  

A man went to see his physician because he wasn’t feeling well. “Doctor,” he said, “I am suffering from a dark and unshakable depression. Nothing I do gives me any relief. I am overwhelmed with pain and most days, I can’t even make it out of bed. “Doctor, what should I do?” The doctor thought for a moment then offered the following treatment plan. “This is what you need to do. Tonight, go to the theatre where the Great Carlini is performing. He is the funniest man in the world and everybody who sees him finds him hysterical. By all means, go see Carlini. He is guaranteed to make you laugh and drive away your depression.” Upon hearing these words, the man burst into tears and sobbed uncontrollably. “But doctor,” he said, “I am Carlini.”

“But doctor, I am Carlini.”

3 years ago on January 19th I turned 50.

I had a beautiful party with 80 plus people. I looked around and saw my wife Elizabeth my three children my dear friends from my congregation I had just left after 14 years in Dayton, my friends from Cincinnati and well wishes from across the country. A video of 50 different people in my life played on a loop on our TV

We ate we drank we laughed and I went to bed that night feeling like the luckiest man on earth.

The next morning I woke up and something felt off. A twinge in the pit of my stomach maybe I had eaten too much but it was sharper and deeper. As the day went on there came a sense of cloudiness, fuzziness around the edges the world seemed

a bit off, 
out of sync 
out of focus,
darker more shadowed.

Strange I thought and went into my day trying to shake it off But the shadow the darkness stayed and started to grow into the week.

I stopped sleeping well and then at all, I had a harder and harder time getting up and when I did I felt off disconnected and then I began having trouble feeling – feeling anything.

Joy, pleasure, laughter, all seemed fleeting memories…

by February I had begun to stay in bed, work emails piling up phone calls unanswered 
by March I had stopped reaching out to friends sitting in my living room on the couch for hour after hour staring at the wall
by April I had stopped engaging with my own wife and children

I would sit for hours in our closet back pressed against the wall trying to ground myself against the wood paneling to feel something- anything.

I still was working barely – coming in late and missing deadlines muscling through on little sleep and much anxiety.

My reality became as fuzzy as my brain I began to lose time… 

And on May 26th 2016, the day of my 20th wedding anniversary I found myself in the intake room at Lindner Center of hope, a psychiatric facility just 15 minutes north from where you are sitting now.

Barely hearing as a nurse read into a recorder, 50-year-old male patient severe depressive episode to be admitted for a 72-hour observation.

They took all my possessions and as the doors locked behind me, I could see my wife Elizabeth standing there in the hallway – looking so small and far away. I wouldn’t step outside those doors for 5 weeks… I don’t remember much of that lost June, just glimpses of memories, friends visiting, some of whom are sitting here today, slivers of summer sunrises over my bed, the constant work we did to learn how to function again, the 5 minutes we got on our phones when I was moved from the acute wing where everything was bolted down and made safe- from me.

Group after group after group – and always open doors to rooms where nurses sat on chairs watching us sleep.

My memory is fleeting still but I do remember kindness – kindness of staff, of nurses and doctors and most of all the kindness of the other patients. We were bound together by our struggle and our understanding of each other’s pain.

10 days ago I talked to you about fierce kindness – and today I am asking you to commit to using it in action. 

I am sharing my story to help us as a congregation reach out to those who are struggling and support them and their families.

I am sharing my story because it is a human story.  

Mental illness is not an easy topic to discuss, but discuss it we must, with open eyes and an open heart.  

Mental illness can affect anybody; it does not discriminate. 

And I know as I look around this sanctuary today, that it touches so many of us and our loved ones.  One in four Americans – one out of every four of us in this room – will be affected by some form of mental illness during our lifetime.

That can include depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, eating disorders, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Substance abuse aggravates all of these conditions. 

So pervasive is mental illness that it is the leading cause of disability in America. It is an epidemic with limited funding and advertising and acceptance. But this year depression alone will affect 121 million people worldwide. 121 million people. Because of them, because of the people sitting by our sides, we cannot keep silent. 

Yom Kippur is a day when we “make the invisible visible, when we reveal the hidden, because our community is meant to be a safe harbor in life’s turbulent seas, a place where secrets can be shared and where compassion and acceptance are found”.

Depression is not about being sad, or down, or blue, though these may be symptoms. The opposite of depression is not happiness — it is “human vitality.” It can have purely physiological origins. It may be triggered by old sadnesses grown unbearable or anger turned inward. But it becomes a way of being in, and moving through, the world. A grayscale lens, a black and white movie – by which one views and interprets everything else around them.

My doctor at Lindner Center of Hope told me that depression is a liar and a thief. It lies about what is true and steals the things that matter most. It is all-consuming and exhausting, and prevalent in almost every family system yet mental illness is often hidden in the dark recesses of our family stories.

Sad aunts, grandparents who would go to the sanitarium for years to “get well”, cousins, brothers, sisters, parents who sit in dark rooms shades drawn. 

It wasn’t so long ago that people only spoke in whispers about cancer. And while today we can speak about cancer and other diseases of the body freely, mental illness still carries with it a stigma and prejudice that prevents so many from seeking the help they need. 

We need to make it safer for more people to come out from behind the shadows and find the support and care they need to continue to go on with their lives, both those living with mental illness and those who help to care for them.  

Judaism has always understood that physical and mental illness are equally deserving of healing, and we are all a key to that healing. Jews were instrumental in establishing the field of psychology. Freud, Bettelheim, Adler, Fromm and Maslow were Jewish forefathers who had a penchant for expressing and analyzing emotions.  

For centuries, Judaism has understood depression to be a part of life.  From Moses, who cried out to God, “I can no longer bear the burden of this people alone…it is too heavy for me…Please kill me, let me no longer see my wretchedness,” to King Saul who was overcome by a ruach ra-ah, an “bad spirit” or what we may see as bipolar illness today, our biblical ancestors faced horrific darkness. 

What the biblical stories teach us is that mental distress is a natural part of human life and a part of every society.

There is the story of Rabbi Eleazar who is ill,suffering from deep despair. When his friend, Rabbi Yochanan, visits him, he finds Eleazar alone in a darkened room, facing the wall. 

He cannot bear to see the light; even the light from Yochanan’s arm is too bright for his eyes and his soul. When Yochanan sees that his friend crying he asks, “Why are you crying?” Then Eleazar finally answers, “I weep because all light fades into darkness, because all beauty eventually rots.” Yochanan, sitting beside his friend replies, “Yes, ultimately everything does die. So perhaps you have reason to weep.” Then Yochanan sat down with his friend and wept alongside him. After a while Yochanan asked, “Does darkness comfort you? Do you want these sufferings?” “No,” Yochanan says. “Then give me your hand,” replies Yochanan, and he lifts Rabbi Eleazar up from his bed and out of his darkened room.

Sometimes, Judaism teaches us, the best way to help people who suffer is not to try and talk them out of their pain or tell them they will get better soon; it is to just be present with them and accompany them in their darkness and into the light of day.. 

For depression can affect anybody; it does not discriminate.

And I know as I look around this sanctuary today, that it touched so many of us and our loved ones. Because of this, we cannot keep silent.

I was lucky. I was blessed with a loving family, a wife and friends who understood mental illness and severe depression. I was fortunate to have the finances to afford intensive treatment. But even after I came out of the hospital I came face to face the reality of just how hard recovery was going to be. I had basically disappeared from the world I had known and been known in.

I needed to learn how to function with everyday stressors.
I had to relearn everyday activities – I was tentative and scared.

People I had known prior walked on eggshells as if they feared one wrong word could lead to another breakdown. Others told me, “I can’t believe it happened to you – you had everything.”

Five years ago Robin Williams lost his battle with depression. Two years ago it was celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain and designer Kate Spade. Since this time numerous celebrities from Dwayne Johnson to Selena Gomez have come out about their own struggles.

There have been hundreds of videos posted talking about how you are not alone and that people should get help.

Yet despite all of this, people who live with mental illness often continue to feel ostracized, marginalized, and certainly, misunderstood. patronized, ignored and ridiculed…but rarely appreciated or respected.

As Robin Williams’ character said in “Good Will Hunting,” “I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not! The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.”

Why is it that we can laud cancer survivors for how hard they’ve fought, but we don’t think about mental illness the same way?”

We have made progress over the years. People talk more openly about therapy. There is greater understanding about the nature of mental illness, though misperceptions still exist. We all need to be clear, mental illness is not a moral failing, it is not a weakness or a character flaw.

In fact, a national mental health organization reinforced this fact when they affixed a very large sign to an Upper West Side building in Manhattan that read, “Depression is a failure of chemistry, not character.” They could have written a long list of mental illnesses, but due to lack of space, couldn’t include them all! A local psychologist would direct her patients to read the sign every time they left her office. 

And self-acceptance and community acceptance go hand in hand.

“Our strength is in knowing one another, not hiding from one another. We now have deeper understanding of how brains function. We want to get to where there is communal ease about engaging issues, not in hushed tones, but in a full voice about what’s at the depth of our souls”

We as a society – as a community, must also examine our own views and prejudices about mental illness.

What words do we use? How might we perpetuate harmful stigmas when we loosely use words like “psycho” or say that someone is acting “crazy?” And what might it sound like when we casually say, “That was so bad I wanted to shoot myself,” or “I wanted to jump off the bridge?” What must it feel like to people for whom the bridge has become a nightmare, all too realistic an option to consider?

We can do better we must do better. 

And often it’s because we ourselves don’t know how to have the conversation.

People don’t know what to say or what to do. They don’t want to say the wrong thing. They don’t want to upset you, trigger another episode, so they skirt the elephant in the room. 

Just know, your questions and concern. Your words of love and support. Your acknowledgment. 

Can’t hurt us
Can’t make us sick 
What it can do is make us feel just a bit more normal
A bit more understood 
A bit more accepted in our broken places 
A bit less alone 

To those who have a family member or loved one who is suffering, know this; you are not alone either. Your loved one’s disease is not a personal or parental failure, it is biochemistry and genetics. You do not have to hide their affliction. You do not have to be embarrassed or scared to share the suffering and pain that you feel. You are a part of a community that is ready, willing, and able to embrace you and your entire family. This is a community that shows kindness, chesed to all those who are suffering, no matter the nature of their affliction.

I want to speak directly for a moment to those of you who struggle with mental illness of one form or another.  

I want you to know that even if I can never fully understand the depths of your pain or the complexities of your life, that you are not alone. We, your clergy and your community, are here for you.

We see you in your wholeness and your brokenness,
Your brokenness is welcome here

The rabbis tell us that in the Ark of the Covenant that travelled with the Israelites through the desert there were two sets of tablets containing the Ten Commandments. The first broken tables thrown down in anger by Moses were placed in the ark beneath the two new tables. And these two sets of tablets, both broken and whole, traveled with the people into the Promised Land. 

Let’s pause to imagine those collected shards, being placed into the ark.

They must have been heavy. They must have evoked feelings of shame and embarrassment. Yet those broken pieces were given the highest seat of honor. Some commentators even say that they served as the very foundation for the whole tablets, there was a sacredness in their brokenness.

We all vulnerable and fragile at times and this is what makes human. 

The rabbis taught us: Do not bury your broken shards. Do not cover them up or discard them. Place these broken pieces in the ark inside you, in a seat of honor. Our broken places are part of us – cherish them and hold them with tenderness. Honor them as real, authentic, and integral to who we are. The ark becomes an embodiment of our own hearts – that are whole in their brokenness.

One of our modern Jewish sages, singer and poet Leonard Cohen, sang,

“Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That is how the light gets in.”

When I was at Lindner a friend sent me a card which I placed by my bed.

It was of a beautiful Japanese Pot with gold lines wrapping its body. It told of the Kintsukuroi (“golden mend”), the Japanese art of mending broken pottery using resin laced with gold or silver.

As well as a form of repair, kintsukuroi has a deeper philosophical significance. The mended flaws become part of the object’s design, and people believe the pottery to be even more beautiful having gone through the process of being broken and repaired.

Through kintsukuroi, the cracks and seams are merely a symbol of an event that happened in the life of the object, rather than the cause of its destruction. 

Because we in this community will honor and find beauty in the cracks in your lives.

We will sit with you in your darkness, and we will take your hand and lead you to the light of day when you feel ready. And we can also help you find the resources you need.

Continue to be brave and strong, and may this year, help you to find compassion and contentment. And for those of you whose loved ones suffer from mental illness – mothers and fathers and children and siblings and partners – your heart is so full with of both love and pain. Today as I stand before you, I stand in awe of you and all that you carry every day. 

A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.

“For your kindness,” the genie said, “I will grant you one wish!” The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, “I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California.”

The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, “Listen, I’m sorry, but I can’t do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they’d have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That’s too much to ask.”

“OK,” the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. “I’m a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they sad, why is it life is so difficult for them what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!” 

The genie paused, and then sighed, “Did you want two lanes or four? 

Laughter feels good and it can help.
It did for me.
It showed me I could feel joy again.
Because recovery happens one day at a time.

Elie Wiesel said, “We must turn our suffering into a bridge so that others might suffer less”

So today I share my story because it is a human story, shared by many others.  Those who live with mental illness. And for all of you who have loved someone whose life has been darkened by it.  My hand is always outstretched to you, my ear always there to listen, my heart there to sit with you. You are not alone. We are your community and we will accept you for all that you are no judgement.

No stigma.

Just love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ladies … we want men to get involved so that “women’s issues” are more accurately cared for as “everyone’s issues.” 

What I want to see is mutuality. And that we take action where we can, expecting them, inspiring them to do the same. That we all live our full range of strength and grace, boundaries and compassion. 

I want women to fight for men. 

And I want men to fight for women. 

So that NEITHER lets the other be put down, made fun of, or disrespected.

We know that many moms and dads, and our Western culture in the past … and in many places even now … did not/ do not allow boys to feel or express their natural range of human emotion.  And yet, then those boys grew up and their female partners faulted them for not having facility with their inner world. 

I want women to be champions for men’s FULL range of human emotions … from tender vulnerability to anger. From hope to disappointment. From bewilderment to shock, through bitterness, and back to tender hope again. All the way to the fierce, powerful love and dedication that I see at men’s core.

I want men to listen more deeply to women, to the intuition-wisdom under women’s feelings, AND to train themselves to automatically respect/ believe what a woman says. 

I want us all to LOOK for the good intentions in the other. And if we can’t see it, I want us to assume it exists, and to ask: 

“Hey, what did you mean by X behavior? I interpreted it as this ________ [something negative], but I want to check with you. What did you intend?”

I am often the only woman in a group of women, offering the idea of potential good intentions for men’s behavior… and NOT allowing men to be verbally bashed (the same way I would sure as fuck not allow women to be bashed in a group of men). 

I would like more company. 

I want us to be champions for them, the way we want them to be champions for us. 

 

And I get it … 

You might not have enough energy to do that, because you got wounded by men too recently. Take your time. (I took mine!) Heal. And as part of your healing, listen for how one of them … and then … that some/ many of them … are our champions. Look for the good in them as a salve for your heart. 

When I was first healing from my wounds caused by wounded men, I was taught empowerment, in my voice and with the energy in my gut, so I could set boundaries. And so that I could demand, both with them and inside myself, that they take accountability for their actions. I’m SO grateful for that beginning. It was utterly crucial.

However, I *wish* someone had told me that my end goal was not JUST accountability. That there were more steps to my healing. That I would finally be, and feel, much closer to “healed” when I could feel compassion for both sides, when I could feel curiosity about what moved them to act in such a way, and when I could take action on behalf of both of us.  When I could approach the relationship between us from a perspective of, and sometimes a fierce commitment to, compassion for both of us. 

I help men understand women’s feelings, and listen better. I help support them in their healing their past wounds with women, so they come to you, my sisters, with more hope, and can be more present with you, NOW, vs. with the echoes of their mothers/ sisters/ girls who made fun of them in high school. 

 

I’d like us to try the most effective technique for building up humanity … 

Social science research has been showing for decades that it’s good parenting, and good partnering, to “catch” the other person doing something right, and to praise them. It’s far more effective in the long term than “catching” what’s wrong.

What if we lived our lives this way? Specifically, what if we related this way with our co-genders?

Building each other up is a profound opportunity we have as human partners. And humans who feel good and healthy and powerful… do more good things in the world. 

 

Recognizing our responsibility is our opportunity …

Seeking understanding of each other from a place of compassion is just. so. crucial … for us to heal the wounds we have caused in each other. 

There is no way ANY of us can get through life without hurting others, without being perpetrators. I consider it my sacred duty and opportunity for growth to look for, and ask for feedback from others about, the ways I *am* causing harm. Then I apologize. I get curious about why I might have done that. I ask for input about how I can do it better. Then I practice. And fuck up. And apologize. And fuck up again. 

I have been a perpetrator, and a victim. And I will be so again. It is up to me to plan my humility, and my repair with them. I can’t always control who or when I hurt. But I can PROMISE that I will do my best to act in their best interest, and… I will ALWAYS repair. 

Simultaneously, it is up to me to EXPECT that others will perpetrate against me, that I will feel hurt. It’s a shitty truth, but a truth. 

When I comfort myself, hold them accountable, try to understand what caused them to act that way, see if I had any part in it that I can take responsibility for, and then see if there are any lessons in this that I can use to help others… then I know I will be mining my own experiences for maximum growth, healing and integration. 

 

So for the ladies … 

I’d love to ask you to start *LOOKING* for men doing things in service, “catching” men being good, showing you that they ARE good men (even if we don’t see it all the time) … 

– trying to make you happy 

– being generous 

– being helpful and kind 

– being protective (because it is in their nature, not because they think we are not capable)

– being capable and strong

– enjoying being helpful and capable and powerful

– being clear about their boundaries (even if it is with you) 

– expressing their feelings (even if you don’t like those particular feelings).

 

Please communicate to them when you feel appreciation for them and their efforts… in whatever way *they* can hear best (Google: 5 Love Languages). 

I see these efforts ALL AROUND ME. I feel safer in the world, because I am surrounded by predominantly healthy men. And that makes me want to help them. 

In addition to working with men’s groups full time, I also create fundraisers for them. I would love to invite women to directly contribute to the betterment of men… that THEY are initiating on their own! Please support your man in a men’s group. It is the most powerful tool I can recommend for men having support from similar beings to learn their inner worlds. If you’d like to financially ensure that more men in this world get to welcome their own natural, wider, deeper range of emotions, just google the ManKind Project or Evryman networks of men’s groups, and ask how to donate. 

For all of us, we could consider an experiment … could we *choose* to ONLY see the good in each other, for one week. Train yourself to *look* for their good intentions. Be each other’s champions, for one week. Don’t complain or generalize… try a one week diet of appreciation of your co-genders. 

Sisters … I want to invite you to take your healing further. 

And fight for men. And WITH them. 

Look for ways to appreciate them. 

To bring out even more of the best in them. (And so that they feel good!)

For the benefit of all of us.  

——– 

I’d love to hear how your experiment goes… What new ways have you found the best in men that I did not mention above? Comment below or email me:   erintherapy  (at)  gmail.

 

Being a Sexually Authentic, Conscious and Empowered Man

Bringing Our Sexuality into Integrity with the Rest of Our Life

I recently celebrated and staffed my 20th anniversary weekend. I went through my NWTA in Washington state in February 1999.

What a profound journey that first MKP weekend initiated.

I entered my weekend as a man in the midst of a brutal divorce. I was being viciously vilified around my sexuality, the center of a public slander campaign. Overnight I had become an outcaste, a persona non grata in my community of 27 years. It was shocking to me that literally no one, even people I had known as friends over 20 years, ever asked my side of the story. I felt abandoned, betrayed, afraid and alone.

But I was determined as I entered my weekend to reclaim my personal power, my dignity and my right to be true to myself.

My weekend, as almost any MKP man I know would attest, gave me the foundation for declaring my mission, reclaiming my honor, and ultimately my love for myself as I moved forward down my path.  It was a game-changer for me. It gave me the founding principles for how I would navigate my mission these last 20 years.

I left my weekend with this overarching mission: As a man among men I create a world where it is safe to be different by being true to myself.

Another aspect of my mission came into focus during a process talking about men’s sexuality. I was about ¾ of the way around the circle and watched man after man take his brief minutes to share some hidden aspect of his sexuality that had shaped his view of himself. And the sharing was exclusively negative – sneaking, hiding, porning, cheating, violating boundaries, deep shame, inadequacy and more. 

This was true for every man before me. No one spoke of the pleasure of sex, the deep intimacy, the epic orgasms, the hot role-play, sacred-sexuality. There was nothing positive spoken by any man about his sexuality. I found this deeply upsetting. 

When it came to my turn I stood and proudly stated that I was moving towards claiming my sexuality. I was owning and enjoying my sexuality. I was learning to be honest and embrace my desires. I was excited to start living out my sexuality in an honest, transparent way. I loved my sexuality!  

I let it be known that I was a Kink-oriented man that practiced conscious, consensual, negotiated Kink. I did not choose to reveal in that moment that I was also working on the complicated task of untangling decades of shame, fear, trauma and harsh internalized moral judgments about my sexuality as well. There simply was not enough time to go deeper into my experience of my sexuality!

I do not know really what anyone else in that circle actually felt, but that moment was significant for me. I sat back down and was immediately immersed in a wave of toxic shame and fear that betrayed the exuberance of my sexual check-in. I got no sense that anyone in the circle was comfortable or supportive of my enthusiastic share. I knew I wanted to address this perception that a man could only appropriately address his sexuality in the negative.  

I felt determined to shift that over-riding sex-negative view of men’s sexuality to allow both the shadow AND gold to be part of a man’s sharing.   

I wanted to introduce a deeper conversation around men and sexuality into MKP and men’s work. I believed that a single process during that weekend did not allow any level of depth or nuance of my sexual experience to be expressed or explored, and I felt this would have been true for many men.

In being true to myself and my mission, I returned to school after this period and got a Masters in Transpersonal Psychology. I began to work with men, women and couples in supporting them to embrace, understand and explore their authentic sexual nature and untangle shame, fear and trauma from its honest, joyous expression. I developed innovative techniques to help clients shift from compulsive, secretive, risky sexual behaviors to negotiated, consensual ecstatic sexual engagements.

I became an author, educator, sex-researcher and therapist. I developed lectures and CE accredited classes for professional therapists and students of human sexuality that are offered through accredited educational institutions. I have been invited to give lectures and workshops from St Petersburg, Berlin, Paris, Milan, London, New York and more. 

I owe my capacity to have persevered through the great trials I experienced at the start of my journey, to all the personal work I have done that began with my MKP weekend. This personal work into the depths of my being has allowed me to stand in my truth, heal, and vigorously pursue my mission and vision of shame-free sexual authenticity. 

I am so deeply grateful to all the beautiful brothers who have loved, encouraged, supported and embraced me as I am, through these last two decades. 

It has taken twenty years, but I am excited to announce a new 2-day workshop for men on addressing the depths of their sexuality.

Being sexually authentic is your birthright. Learning to share your deepest sexual truths with a trusted partner is one of the most loving, liberating, intimate and ecstatic of human experiences. Embracing your authentic sexuality in a way that is in integrity with your values, responsibilities and relationship agreements is both an empowering and healing journey

The “Being a Sexually Authentic, Conscious and Empowered Man” workshop is now being offered in:

• Portland – July 27-28
• San Francisco – August 17-18
• Los Angeles – September 7-8
• London – September 21-22

 In the last year, this workshop has been successfully presented in Berlin, Germany, Portland, OR and Seattle, WA. Here are a few testimonials from men who attended. 

“I’ve experienced an absolutely amazing, breathtaking, transformational, life changing weekend. The experiences I’ve had, the things that I’ve learned, and the beautiful humans I’ve connected with brought me a huge step closer towards becoming the man I am supposed to be sexually and otherwise, yet who I denied and repressed for all of my past life. I feel that my life has gotten a completely new direction now.”
David H

“I want to tell you how motivating and enriching I found your workshop. Your knowledge and sensitivity on the subject helped me as a 70 year old bi-sexual man to find new courage and skills to bring to my 40 year relationship. The work helped me to continue healthy growth and communication with the person I love. The facilitation and other skills you bring into this work, are a gift to all of us fortunate enough to participate! Thank you again for sharing your many gifts!”
Dick A

 

It was truly an enlightening experience for me. I felt the rituals helped me tap into my inner wisdom in order to find my own resources for healing some emotional blocks I have been experiencing for some time. I’m so grateful the work revolved around guiding us to find our own sources of empowerment in a strength based fashion, rather than trying to eliminate negative patterns or behaviors. This has helped me clear up other issues indirectly, and that’s a beautiful thing.”   
Mike Smith – Loving Bear

 

“Galen’s skill is quite astounding in his ability to help us reveal and combine widely varying aspects of our individual humanity and sexuality into a rich composite whole self. I witnessed profound, grounded and conscious revelations occur to participants throughout the workshop. It was a very potent experience for me. Highly recommended.”   
Bruce B 

If you are a man ready to get in integrity around your sexuality in a supportive container with other men with the same intent, I would love to have you join us for one of the upcoming workshops. 

If you would like to see this workshop happen in your community, please send me a DM and we can discuss. 

Here is the link with full details https://galenfous.com/2019/04/03/being-a-sexually-authentic-conscious-empowered-man/

Bless you brothers for all the support over the last 2 decades to bring my vision of shame-free ecstatic sexuality to the MKP community.

Galen Fous MTP 
Sage Panther
Melacoma 2/99

by Boysen Hodgson

Three questions might just change the world.

I spoke with New Warrior Martin Rutte this month about the history and vision of his book, “Project Heaven on Earth; The 3 simple questions that will help you change the world … easily.”

Rutte has been changing the world for decades. As the co-author of “Chicken Soup for the Soul at Work” with Jack Canfield, Martin has had the extraordinary good fortune to learn and teach with some of the top business leaders and visionaries in the world.

Through his learning and exploration, he stumbled onto a simple, elegant truth for most humans — we understand in our bodies what heaven on earth could be like. In talking with Martin about his book I was intrigued with how his thinking ties together some of the most meaningful thought, writing and philosophy I’ve encountered over the last 30 years of personal growth, from Alan Watts’ concepts of the dreaming reality all the way to “Reinventing Organizations,” by New Warrior Frédéric Laloux, “The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know is Possible,” by New Warrior Charles Eisenstein, or even the depth work in Integral Theory by Ken Wilber and others.

“Project Heaven on Earth” is easy to read, highly interactive, and profoundly simple. Through a series of questions and a map of gateways, we are invited to make a bigger difference in the world across all levels of society, starting with ourselves. See the interview below. Visit Martin’s website to learn more.