Manventures

Prize Surprise!

2010-07-28T17:40:00.001-07:00

It became quite clear, suddenly in fact, that I was not merely conversing with just a woman, but sheer insanity.

Europa: Såsom i en Spegel (Europe: Through a Glass Darkly)

2010-07-15T16:05:00.000-07:00

ANDDDDDD we're Back. There's been a long hiatus, but lots of adventures to be told. Lots of things have changed, lots of new faces, and of course, some crazy news. But Ill tell it as it was told to me, let it unfold as it was. After our Mid season hiatus, I'm left with, oh, about 6 episodes left. Thats about 12 in total. I've already been though four of them and am currently living/filming/writing 5 of 6, so the finale is still in the works folks, and let me tell you the build up is unsufferable. The cliffhanger at the end of 4 is a doozy. But we'll start at the start, shall we? Season 3, episode 7, Europe, part 1, written by Coleman Vander Meer.

So the adventures begins in the land of old. I’d never been to Spain before, neither business nor pleasure, and if anyone were to ask me what brought me here today, I’d say a combination of both. Of course that was our turnaround port, so I decided I’d have enough time there eventually, for now I’d like to get settled aboard “The Brilliance of the Seas.” What a surprise it was to see the Brilliance for the first time. And remember there’s nothing like seeing your ship for the first time, but here, in Barcelona, who should be docked just a couple of spots down but the Disney Magic. What a bitch!? Oh the homage to season 1 is just what I needed at this moment. What a poignant memory!? There’s nothing like getting a new ship, but then again there’s nothing like your first ship either. How the tides turn, but also how they cycle back again?

I signed on along with only a couple of other crew members, as it was later in the day than the normal sign on crew. There was a noteworthy element about that day too. There was a VIP auction happening aboard the Brilliance that cruise. So, another throw back to a past season. You all remember that episode on the Rhapsody when Morry, the head gallery director came to cruise and left me all that bunch of art. Well he’d be back again, along with the president, Mr. S himself! What drama!? I wonder what they’ll think of next!? I wonder what they think of this Fine Art Regurgitory! Oh the plot thickens… Alas, that would come later. First I had to take care of my medical. And who should barge into the nurse’s office but my new roommate, Julian, Aka “The Count,” andddddddd Totally loaded! Completely plastered at 10 in the morning. He’d been up all night helping to prep for the VIP cruise and helping Andy, the old associate from the Brilliance, make way for me and hit the road as he is not on “The List.”

I, however, will refer to myself from here on out as being on “The List.” This is later revealed to me from a future character in the show Dan DuPont (sort of like as if we’re on a flash forward episode of Lost). And it’s no surprise. I’ve been with the company for two fucking years. I better be on the damn list. But anyway, the list is a compilation of people who are eligible to make it past the final cliffhanger at the end of the episode. Something really BIG and something really SCARY, business wise. Anyway, I’m a name. I’m a name on “The List.” It doesn’t guarantee that you get to stay on the island, but it means, if you play you’re cards right, if you don’t get thrashed by the smoke monster, or blown apart by the sonic fence, or bitten by the medusa spider and buried alive, you get to live on the island…maybe till the series finale…maybe just till the season finale…but for now…you’re alive. But Andy…RIP, just another lost soul. Didn’t even meet the guy. Saw a video of him shitfaced though, and that’s enough Mikey…that’s enough.

Cold comfort is that fact that I will be doing a cruise handover with a young Canadian couple who is in the same boat as me. Being moved from principal auctioneer to associate on a bigger ship. A de-promotion. Staying on the “List” (what is this list?) They had been running the Brilliance during the Dubai season. 7 port days and no sea days in the Middle East = worst itinerary ever. We were all sort of milted. So, it was their first and last Med cruise and we decided to enjoy ourselves. And why not? Ville Franc, Florence, Rome, At Sea, At Sea, Athens, Kusadasi, Santorini, At Sea, Naples, At Sea. Sounds like an amazing time…OR DOES IT!?????

Yes. It does.

I had just come from signing off the Summit, had the afternoon in the airport, flew straight to Barcelona, arriving at 8:30 am and signing on the ship straightaway. So, I was a little stressed out. Tweaked as you might say. I enjoyed The Fantastic Mr. Fox in the plane, but still. Tweaked. when I met “the Count,” this drunk, bald Romanian guy, who kept telling me he was “The Count” over and over while giving me the googly eye, I told him to calm down. He was like “Man, I’ve been working hard all night.” And I said, “Man, I’ve been working hard as a principal art auctioneer for over a year, and just 12 hours ago had my best month ever in the top tier of the company onboard the Summit. Now I’m here, in this room with You. So…”Count” I’ve been working Real hard too…as you might imagine, do me a favor, and Relax.” He just looked at me…”Really?” he asks….”Fuck.”

Yep, all in the same boat.

So Mark and Tomo are kind of ridiculous, but fun. She’s this tiny little Japanese girl and he’s this big hulking Canadian guy who gets gigantic nervous zits. Not like a lot, Just one. One giant red eye on the chin that’s always looking at you…Always. Well, at least for the two weeks I knew him. We basically drank wine for two weeks straight until we shat cabernet. And what could be better? We met the VIP people on the first night. They had a huge group. I recognized the same art steward, the same VIP associates, and of course Morry. Than there was the “president” who honestly didn’t say a single word to me. Weird. You devote your life to something for years…and, nope…not interested. Whateves…just keep paying for my expenses. So I had a drink on the house, why not? Mark said the big Pres was watching us like hawks, though. Each gulp was counted. So my first day was pretty unexciting. Just getting grounded, hosting the gallery for a couple hours in the evening, and my first day as a lowly associate is done…just like that.

Day 2…Ville Franc…What…. A… Shit show? First of all, for whatever reason all the cast were hiding that first embark day. In the morning, I get my new crew card from HR where two of the dancers meet me, and all of a sudden Mark is getting calls from these random casties to see if he wants to hang out, asking about the “new Guy.” Geeze, I’m the new guy. How exciting. Someone asked me if I was the new Andy. And, without thinking how arrogant it sounded (even though I’m pretty sure it way true) I say “oh, I’m wayyyy better than Andy.” Poor guy, I didn’t even meet him. All I know is…he…wasn’t…on…the…List.

So Ville Franc is basically Nice, France. French Riv is the French Riv, yeah? Yeah. So It’s great. It’s France. It’s Europe. New! The VIP group is going to go to Fanch Ledan’s house. Fanch is this artist that I sell. I’ve sold like thousands of his paintings…his “interiorscapes” where you will never find any people present but the human element is never absent…oh whatever. It’s this painter’s house and I wanna GO! So the VIPs say we can come!  ! But they don’t have room in the GD bus!  ! We have to take our own cab, but it’s only like 10 Euro!  ! Nope, more like 220 Euro!  ! So we get off the tender, because there’s no doc in Ville Franc, and the weather is decent out, so we decide, pay a shit ton to go meet Fanch…or get drunk on French wine in the public park??? IS there really any discussion necessary? We each drank about two bottles, and, IT…WAS…FABULOUS.

Really, we just wandered around with burgundy lips speaking French. Bon Jour! Ville Franc! Marcei publee! Shante musue! Dodei! Dodo my poo-pee! We really bonded as a team that day. By 3 pm, we decided we’d better get back to the ship. SO we head back to the port andddddd Ville Franc is hit by the worst freak storm it’s seen in 24 years! Like the weather wasn’t even bad, it was just these crazy waves that were like thrashing the port. Dozens of little boats sank and even a few yachts. The tenders could not get back to the port to pick up guests, and they could barely get back onto the Brilliance! So, the cruise ship decides to do the easiest thing…Leave us there until it can arrange buses at 12 am! WHAT!? They left us! The ship left us! And we were plastered, at 3 pm. SO what could we do, except buy more wine? I apparently met the new cast like 3 times, and introduced myself like 12 times, and the next day I had no recollection of who any of them were. They thought I was crazy. They’re like “We met you yesterday,” and I was like “No you didn’t.” And they’re like “yeah you introduced yourself, like a dozen times.” And I was like “Well, I have no idea who you are.” And they’re like “You went to dinner with us and didn’t order anything and then just left suddenly, and we saw you wandering in an alley 2 hours later and played cards with us.” And all I could do, in the most straight, professional face possible say. “Well, I don’t remember that at all, and I have no idea who you are. So, hello, I’m Coleman, one of the new auctioneers, its nice to meet you.” And they just stared at me with gaping mouths. But that’s the flash forward, and honestly, that’s the best impression I could hope to make mid way through season 3, but back to getting left behind in Ville Franc. Mark was lying on the ground, in front of like 400 guests with his arms splayed in the air screaming that he couldn’t move. And he didn’t care. He was surprise demoted. It was our tragedy. It was OUR Ville Franc. “the Count” went into a nearby restaurant where a lot of guests were and started waiting tables, insisting to the French staff and Brilliance guests that he was crew and he lives to serve. That I remember. I don’t remember committing myself to a relationship with one of the dancers in a nearby park. I do remember, though, buying dry tortellini from a small store and it being the best snack ever. I do remember cutting in line in front of a thousand people to get on one of the first buses back to the ship to wherever it was ported safely. I DON’T remember the three hour bus ride there, but simply waking up and crashing in my bed. Thank God no one knew who I was (except the cast members because I tried introducing myself like every 15 minutes), because Mark and “the Count” were a sliver away from both being fired. All in all, a wildly successful tragedy. Ville Franc!

That next day I sort of took it easy. We were in port in Italy, Livorno which is close to Florence. I’d been to Florence on my second visit to Europe, and it was beautiful, but just wasn’t feeling a long bus ride today. So I slept in, figured the ship out, layed low, worked out. I’d missed using a steam room on Celebrity; all they had was a sauna, so it was a welcome return to form here on The Brilliance to go for a nice long workout followed by a soak in the steam room. And who should also be working out but Morry! Oh what a guy!? I told him the news that the record highest price for a work of art sold at auction was just set by a Picasso painting called “Green leaves, Nude and Bust.” Or something similar. Anyways, someone bought it for $106.5 million, which is a big deal for us International Fine Art Auctioneers who sell Picasso’s for a living. It’s a selling tool for sure. After the workout I enjoyed a nice sit down in the steam room, something I’d been missing on the Celebrity Summit. Nothing like a dark hot room of steam to melt your worries away, and they had fake stars on the ceiling!

Then there was Rome. At this point, I really have to say the greatest thing about being back in Italy, whether Rome, Florence, or Naples is the reintroduction of Gelato to my life. We only had two hours in Rome, so We did a whirlwind through the Coliseum, Pantheon, Trevie fountain, and the other stuff. Rome’s a cool city, yes, but there’s something about it…maybe something I haven’t figured out yet. IT will have to wait for another episode. Just a sneak peak this time. SNEAK PEAK ROME! Mark, Tomo, and I enjoyed our brief tour together, but we enjoyed getting drunk on the train even more. I ended the day with another helping of gelato and Tomo finally found her Roman magnet.

Finally our first sea day and our first auction. My first auction as an associate. It was strange to not be on the block. We had a good turn out and I was able to sell some stuff as an associate again. Another auction, another day, another cruise, another ship, another sea. This is what I do. One thing that came out of that day was my discovery of the Straits of Messina when I went to go rekindle my love for the sea at the bow of the ship. The Straits is a narrow strip of sea between the boot tip of Italy and the island of Sardinia. Only a couple miles wide, but absolutely beautiful. It looks like a fairy tale with wide expansive mountains on either side, billowing clouds, bright blue sea, and swift Italian breeze. I didn’t think the moment could get any more inspirational but then I noticed a pod of dolphins jumping before the ship. They joined us for several minutes, playing in the breakers at the bow. I will never forget that moment. Something a camera cannot catch.

That night the news was broken to us, the big dramatic moment we’d been waiting for. Royal Carib. Was not going to be renewing their contract with my gallery, and by the end of August we would be off all their ships for good. This was all told to head auctioneers over the phone, and as such, on this ship I am not the head auctioneer, so I did not here it in that way. However, I did receive a message, electronically, from the new auctioneer that was coming soon next cruise. He reassured me that if all things go as plan, and rock the Brilliance, I would be fine. I WAS brought here specifically to close down the ship, and would be one of the last representatives of my company onboard, leaving a good impression. Going out with a bang. So the ground work for the season finale has been laid. Futures uncertain.

And so the rest of the cruise progressed efficiently. We hit Athens which is still a place that gives me anxiety. Bright, dirty, and crowded. Feels like a panic attack, and the threat of financial riots doesn’t help to sooth my nerves, but how about a bottle of Ouzo!? OPA! We met up with one of Marc’s friends from eh Voyager of the Seas. He had resigned a couple of weeks ago, but wasn’t surprised by the news. He said he picked the right time, but didn’t necessarily suggest we do the same. Apparently they were having a fantastic cruise. We hoped to as well. I had a special client Jeannie, one who would talk your ear off. She was absolutely thrilled that her favorite artist Alexander Chen was onboard, so I of course arranged a meeting for her and tried to convince her to buy a unique painting by him. I maybe spent about 3 hours with her over the course of the cruise, and ended up spending a bit of money, but not at all what I hoped. But I did make her very happy, and maybe that’s all that’s needed for some of them.

Went off in Turkey just to look around, you know step on a different continent for a while (Yes, Asia, please). The next day though was very special as we were going to the island of Santorini. This is the third time I’ve been here, and it truly is one of the most spectacular places ever. White washed buildings dot the cliff sides that curve around an old dormant volcano that lays just above the sea. From the sky, the island looks like a giant crescent moon circling a small, dark star. It feel different that anywhere else and the views are spectacular. The blue of the Aegean, the white of the houses, and the black volcanic stone. Some people believe that Santorini is linked to the lost city of Atlantis, and it is widely accepted that when the volcano erupted it destroyed the Minoan people hundreds of miles away on the island of Crete. I am planning an excursion to the volcanoe on my next trip there. I look forward to that adventure. For the time being, Marc, Tomo, and I walked the streets of Fira on Santorini. Browsing the stores, and looking for a nice view for lunch. Last time I was on the island was when Steve and I travelled through Europe and we stopped here for Leah Stefanos’s wedding. It was a great time. My cousin Matt was there with some of his and Leah’s friends. We partied and it was awesome. Those bars were all still there, albeit empty, but the memories still lingered. Even that VIP pavilion where all those rich kids wanted to pay exorbitant amounts of Euros for bottles of vodka. This was when Steve and I had to haggle for a 20 Euro room. But it was still a good time. We found a wonderful spot to overlook the outcropping isles for, lunch and enjoyed our Greek food immensely. We resolved that despite our fortunes, despite what might happen, here we were in one of the most beautiful spots in the world, enjoying new friendship, good wine, and lasting memories. It was a spectacular day.

In the end of that cruise (tonight’s episode), we had no more interaction with the VIP crowd. Linda Le Kinff, an artist I’ve sold quite often, was even onboard the ship and I never got to meet her. We were not welcomed to their functions. Maybe they were embaressed, maybe they were just busy. In the end, it doesn’t really matter. I still have my gelato. Interesting thing though. While they’re onboard, the regular art auctioneers (aka myself and Marc) are allowed access to pieces from the VIP collection left unsold. I met an interesting gentleman who was curious about the masters. He came to a seminar I had given on the old and modern masters, and was looking for something for his home, a piece to carry a lot of value and eventually pass onto his children. I worked with his for a number of hours as well. In the end we found him a spectacular Picasso. A signed lithograph I had seen only once before, at the VIP conference that originally broke up my training with Park West two years ago. From episode 1, if you will. I remember seeing that work of art and being excited to work with objects of such caliber, of such magnificence! That Picasso was something I had never forgotten. And here it was back in my life, and here was a client looking for that right “one.” And there it went, through my hands to his. And I can tell you, at $25,000 it’s an absolute steal (he also decided on a nice little Rembrandt to even out the playing field)!

So we bid ado to Marc and Tomo, and even Julian who they snagged to take with at the last moment. They were headed to the orient, back to Tomo’s home land of Japan to join the Legend of the Seas. And For a brief moment, there I was, Coleman, alone, once again in a new land, looking towards an uneasy future, winds changing, and new characters coming. So, I leave you with our official description of that special work of art by Pablo himself. A work of art that mirrors my own self questioning, and an image that I will never forget.

“Venus and Cupid, the Honey Thief”

Cubist in nature, Venus and Cupid emerge from a fantastical wilderness into the frontal plane of the lithograph. Venus possesses unnatural proportions that include voluptuous hips and breasts, thin limbs, a shrunken head, and an unscrupulous pregnant belly. She modestly covers herself with a sheer scarf, as she wears only a large and fashionable sun hat. Next to Venus is Cupid, shown crying as he looks to her guiltily with the stolen fruit in hand. The large scale of the piece allows for examination of the the finer details of Picasso's work as a playful and complex interpretation of mythology, sexuality and reality.

This is my life.

It Was Just Echoes Forever

2010-04-23T10:32:00.001-07:00

I can’t even begin to pretend that I can cover all that’s what happened to me in the last few weeks in one post. Everything I know has been turned on top of itself. Some things are good, many others are bad. I’m happy, and I’m sad. These are the fates and destinies that govern us all. I’m ok, but more importantly I’m moving forward, trying to be strong as always, and trying to have faith that this is what is and meant to be for an overall positive outcome in the end.

Sometimes I like to think of this experience for me, this “Life at Sea,” as a television show. I can sum up each contract as a season of some bizarre serial. Maybe like 12-18 episodes. In Season 1, Coleman starts off on his fantastic journey. Lost in the dismal working jungle of the Chicago landscape, a young man strives for something new. Whisked away to fabulous Detroit, Michigan, he begins a career with the world’s largest art gallery where he learns about art, sales, and the promise of travel. Training is interrupted by the company’s week long 40 year anniversary gala. Meeting famous artists and successful auctioneers at the Ritz Carlton, along with the president Al, and his foreshadowing of the FAR, an attack against the company and our pirate shenanigans at sea, something that would always permeate the entire show. Training continues and there is a great shocker when Coleman is placed on one of only two Disney ships out there (of all places!) Training in the Disney Parks follows with a free ride to all, along with a surprise friend from way back when (Dan Longman). Moving onto the ship is a totally new world, training for emergencies, learning the layout, and selling 2 Dali’s in his first week! Chris and Amy join the cast as Coleman’s first auctioneers, and they get along well, meeting bizarre guest artists that join for special cruises, and of course discovering new islands in the Caribbean. Certain cast members emerge as stars to join Coleman on his travels, and sadly some leave as well (Jana is fired!). Chris and Amy go on vacation and are replaced by two new characters Mike and Bethany. Hilarity ensues. Upsets a plenty. Love, loss, life, and art. Hurricanes! Castaway Cay! Diamonds! All sorts of good episodes, and all building up to the finale…Chris and Amy come back, a promotion and finally home. Monica is surprised! Vacation is enjoyed.

Season 2 starts out with a shocker. Coleman isn’t promoted…yet. First he’s going to one of the biggest ships in the world in…Mexico! Rebecca (the sister) joins the cast once a day because the ship is out of LA. Royal Caribbean is a very different place than Disney, and Tim and Lisa join the cast as the auctioneers. Mexico is incredibly beautiful...and haunting. Coleman almost misses the ship! Lots of new friends and lots of things to do on the Mariner of the Seas where every day is a fancy day! Mexico is struck by the Swine Flu and rerouted to San Francisco…Amazing! Finally, Coleman is promoted and must bid ado to Big Eddie and all the rest of the gang on the Mariner as he sets out on a new and distant land of adventure…Alaska! The Rhapsody of the Seas sails forward as the main stage for Season two and a wonderful plethora of characters emerge from the crew. Julie the M & R manager, Roger the art steward, the new cast, and the wonderful girls from crew staff. Enter Tarun, a shady associate from the start. Things go well until Tarun and Roger have a mysterious fight and both are nearly fired. Huge upset, but they stay! Then a wonderful surprise for season 2, Jana (port and shopping from Disney) comes back to the show!!! Adventures to glaciers, helicopter rides, whales, and train adventures ensue. Mom and Dad make an appearance immediately followed by Monica when they come to cruise. The drama lulls until the grand jewel heist…and Tarun is accused, but unable to be proven guilty. Crazy! Finally they leave arctic Alaska, the land of midnight sunshine, and head for Hawaii!!! Beautiful…Tarun is fired!!! Yay!! And then the excitement builds to the finale…Bora Bora…Coleman’s best crusie ever…and finally sign off morning in…Australia!

Season 3 begins with flashbacks to the vacation in Sydney, the 10 day advanced training in Miami, and Christmas at home with a special visit to the secluded winter retreat in Wisconsin. Coleman is promoted again to a bigger ship, the Celebrity Summit. Things start of well. Susan and Pete join the cast…and the new main stage cast along with some of the musicians produces one of the strongest supporting casts ever, with parties and dancing and Gaga galore. Coleman has his best cruise ever, andddd things take a terrible nose dive. The 6 port day 1 sea day run proves extremely challenging in the mid season cruise slump. Lots of disappointments on board in the world of sales, but Coleman grows stronger as an auctioneer, and lots of fun ensue otherwise. The islands the ship visits are some of the most exotic the show has seen to date, most notably the waterfalls of Dominica and the beaches of Antigua. Adventures galore. Then a new character is added to the pot, Shawn, who does in deed help turn some numbers around (not single handedly), but proves to be a mixed bag emotionally. Cruises get stronger… and the buildup to the mid-season hiatus finale begins

So, recap. How things left off:

Shawn was going to quit, Susan wanted to quit, and Pete was heading for vaca. Susan did not quit, I was able to keep her only because I made Shawn let the company know that he was going to resign. They were going to move Susan, and then Shawn would have quit anyway, and I would have been up shit’s creek. So, he put in a notice, and I prepared for our next episode, “The Transition Cruise.” How things have transitioned, my friends…and oh how the winds have changed.

The 8 day transition cruise out of the Caribbean took us one last time to St. Thomas and St. Maarten with a stop in Tortola (a new island for me), a sea day in the middle of the cruise (CRAZY) then an overnight in Bermuda, followed by a last sea day and finally New York. Very exciting stuff. Combine that with the fact that I’m coming off of my best cruise ever (and the fact that this transition cruise would end as my second best cruise on record), and you’ve got some extra exciting stuff. Then throw in the fact that Lauren and Haeley are coming to visit (FACES FROM HOME!!!) and you’ve got a very special episode of the “Life at Sea.”

And it was a good episode too. I took Lauren and Haeley on a tour on the Summit before we headed to Castille San Castobar in Puerto Rico, a very old fortress. We found a huge piece of human feces in one of my favorite parks overlooking the bay, and then finally set sail from San Juan for the very last time. In St Thomas we headed to Maegen’s Bay, voted one of the best beaches in the world (whateves), and ended the day with a stop at the dairy farm named “Udder Delite.” I bought short shorts. We signed up for an exciting zip line adventure in St Maarten where I meet one of my biggest clients over a glass (and a few) of complimentary rum punch. My biggest client of all time (and one of the drunkest) is still onboard from last week and so I must be at her beck and call to serve her champagne whenever she wants. We had a martini party with her on the night before. Later in the afternoon we catch a taxi over to the French side of St. Maarten to enjoy airport beach. The airplanes land right over your head and we all got blown into the ocean. It was freaking Awesome. The next day we head to Tortola (B.V.I.) and try to enjoy the beautiful beaches there despite the weather. Pleasant enough. Later we enjoy some shopping and I find the CRAZIEST book I’ve ever seen (About victorious Christian living for children and thought control), and I get enfuriated when I order crab cakes at an ocean side café and I’m served imitation crab (AKA polluk {more like Poll-yuck!}). I insist it be taken back, and spot a black cat sleeping on the roof. The next day we cross the Bermuda triangle, and I have my first of three auctions, and things go splendidly.

Finally we’ve hit Bermuda, a new land to discover, and it’s a gorgeous island. Extravagant homes with white roofs dot the wind swept landscape on the isolated island of Bermuda. Smack dap in the middle of nowhere in the Atlantic Ocean. It simply doesn’t make sense. I wonder how many lost ships set their eyes on Bermuda as a beacon of hope in the middle of that sea...and how many might have missed it as well. For me it was a beacon of hope as well. Going from 6 port days and one sea day to 3 sea days and two overnights on the Bermuda run would be quite the difference for business. It’s an ideal cruise layout with a mid-week week-end built right it. Things would never be better. Lauren, Haeley and I adventured around the island, got some ice cream and then explored the beautiful Crystal Cave. Fantastic! I have such a soft spot for spelunking. That evening I met an auctioneer from the NCL Dawn from my training in Miami. An old friend, but he had been transferred to make way for another auctioneer unfortunately. But he introduced me to one of the spa workers who promised me that our summer in Bermuda would be worthwhile together. And so along with Lauren, Haeley, and the gang we enjoyed our first overnight in Bermuda, partying on the beach with bonfires at Snorkel Park. The moon shone bright and hopeful on all of us until the wee hours of the morning, offering the summer of promise.

The last two auctions went well despite the fact that Shawn called in sick on his last two days before signing off, and taking a hiatus with PW. Infuriating and definitely not a professional move. We ended the cruise with my 2nd best figure ever, closing the month with my best numbers on record, clearly a massive improvement, and I said goodbye to my two lady friends from home. Definitely a worthwhile adventure, but I have to admit after 8 days with two crazy girls, it was nice to have some peace and quiet. I will never forget crusiing with Haeley and Lauren, that’s for sure. Going outside for the first time on turn around day, I laid my eyes on the Statue of Liberty. A symbol of hope…of love…of the possibility of a better tomorrow (quoted directly from my Peter Max speech). This was an image that had been recurring in my life since I started this crazy show, and here she was in the real…with the endless possibilities that Manhattan Island had to offer looming out of the distant fog. It was a terrible day, but one that heralded the change to come, no more Caribbean, no more 6 port days in a row, no more anything I ever knew…and onto the Finale.

Pete had gone on vacation too, leaving just Susan and I on the art team. We started off right away with two sea days, and so I did a day of seminars and then an auction. It was refreshing in a way, but definitely a challenge. We had to do set ups together, and the art movers lied to us about pay, pissing me off royally. It didn’t help that all the guests were now New Yorkers. Now nothing against anyone from New York but when you have a 50+ crowd from one of the grizzliest cities in world starting a cruise off with heavy rain and rocking seas, you’re not going to be dealing with a sea of smiles. Its spring time in the Atlantic folks, not summer yet. People think they’re going to step onto the ship and find immediate sunshine, failing to realize that Bermuda is akin to the climate of South Carolina in April. So we worked through it, Susan and I. We’d been through a lot together. Getting her chest X-rayd in Tobago, getting her to not quit, trying to make it a happy life for both of us together. Simply by nature we spend the most time together, and as a decent human being, I try to be fair. I got along with Susan alright, and here we were…in Bermuda, the place we had worked so hard to acquire. And there we were on the eve of our first Bermuda overnight of the cruise, and Natasha walks in furious, asking why I’m keeping secrets from her. ??? Why didn’t I tell her I was being transferred? Again: ??? I hadn’t checked my emails…but there it was, not from my managers, not from my new ship, but from the auctioneer who was going to replace me…Kris English. The company’s million dollar man. That’s how I found out I was leaving the Summit. Gone right after my very best month on record, one of the top auctioneers with the company …Just like that…three days notice. And that’s where the story gets worse…I was being transferred to the Brilliance of the Seas, back to Royal, on a 12 day Mediteranean run…but not as auctioneer, as an associate, as a step back, as a Susan. It was the Lawsuit. The FAR (Fine Art Reguritary). We’d lost 7 ships from the fleet, and most unexpected was from Royal Caribbean. The company was sending back all of its younger auctioneers as associates with the top guys eventually, and because Kris got bumped, he picked his ship, and I was bumped and realigned with one of the best auctioneers on what would hopefully be one of the ships of the high summer cruise season. The expensive 12 day Mediterranean cruises on the Brilliance.

It makes sense I suppose, but to me it sounds like there was tinge of worry. They said they wanted to focus all their best people on Royal for now. To make sure all the strongest people are on these ships to solidify our standing. And anyway, I have no choice. I move down as associate and head to Europe or I go home. I’ll be associate level three, the highest, and will still retain a portion of the overall commission. If the ship does as well as forecasted, I’ll be making more money than an auctioneer on a shit run. And sure there’s a relief of stress. I don’t have to be the big brass and boots anymore, it doesn’t fall on my shoulders, and I’m no longer in charge. But I also kind of liked being in charge. I liked being ridiculous when I told Susan that she has to agree with every silly idea that runs off the top of my head. Forcing her to listen to my every little meaningless bit of randomness. And honestly, I know I was just hitting my real stride with the upcoming summer season. And I know its part of the business, getting moved around happens, but then there’s the hard part. Saying goodbye. You make your friends and you make your life in one place, and in three days you leave it behind. I told Dani and Kate at the bar in Bermuda that evening and they didn’t believe me…and then they cried…and then I cried. I told all my loves, and I said goodbye. I told the sea and felt it laughing, and I told myself again, and couldn’t understand it either. I don’t know what to feel. The promise that these new places hold is strong. Barcelona, the French Riviera, Florence, Rome, Venice, Athens, Turkey, Santorini, Corfu, and Capri. You don’t get a better itinerary than that. And I had been thinking to myself. How do I break that ceiling of 100k? How do I pop those big boys? Maybe in Europe I will learn that, maybe I’ll come out the other end better than ever. Maybe, I’ll find some love too.

But then again, there’s leaving the life I worked so hard to hold onto. 7 days Bermuda, New York, my gallery, my friends…Instantly taken away. You can’t help but feel like you’re leaving a piece of your heart too. My last day in Bermuda, I rented a scooter and drove off on my own to explore this enigmatic island one last time. I sat by the sea and I stared and I listened to the music from my life. I looked up to the sky and wondered about God, if there were any thoughts there. I promised I wouldn’t give up, that I’d be strong, and that’s what I intend to do. I walked to my ship one last time, knowing the next time I stepped off again would be the last. And that’s where our episode ends. Leaving everything I know behind, everything about to change. Every character in the “Life at Sea” will be new, save the principal, and Coleman will be off to new adventures in distant lands, never to be the same again.

Next episode:

Europe: Through a Glass Darkly (Europa~Sasom Ei En Spiegel)

Tripping the Stableness of Chaos

2010-04-11T23:27:00.000-07:00

And sooooo the shit has hit the fan. I'm writing this super stressed out and lost in life. Shawn is going to quit. Susan wants to quit. And Peter is signing off. Basically my lucky ship of good fortune has hit a giant chunk of bullshit, gashing and puncturing the hull of my conciousness, flooding my life with a sea of misery, leaving me alone and shipwrecked, soul survivor adrfit in a dead calm of ennui. Kinda want to curl up into a ball and just let the world beat the crap out of me. Don't you ever feel that way?

I have fantasies of retreating to the Northwoods, taking up ceramics again, maybe abstract painting, bringing along poor old Dodo and going out in the afternoon on my boat to the Loon's Island and creating meaningless substance out of all that I've come to lose. What is art? What is life? What is meaning? I imagine the V of ducks coming for me.

But I wont. I will trek on and I will suceed. Its in my nature. I wont become what I most despise. And I'll be the stronger for it. Moving on, without them. Friends or not, I am the leader, and I will prevail.

Its just all so frightening, and more so frustrating.

The Winds of Change for the Windward Islands

2010-04-06T19:59:00.000-07:00

And so one day, Coleman, the budding young art auctioneer internationale, sat down in his tiny sized office. More of a closet really, but for his purposes, it was all he needed on the ship. He got an email entitled 'Thank You' from his fleet manager back on the homeland. This email contained the "as you probably know" line preceeding an unexpected shock. He no longer would have a fleet manager as the said individual will be pursuing a different opportunity, effective immeadiately. He is gone. The "as you probably know" was also used this week when Coleman got a phone call to his cabin ("the red cave") on embark morning telling him that a new associate had arrived, and was waiting... In fact, Coleman had no idea... Also, his regional sales trainer has been changed to the top auctioneer in the company, "as you probably know." No, no he didn't.

But of course things will change. Everything in fact. Everything will change. It flipped my numbers to be sure, and got me out of a damn sales funk, but all is chaos. A good natured chaos, but chaos none the less. Sometimes, thats the best medicine. Shawn is a good ol southern boy from Virginia. He is older than me. His energy is very different from mine and will undoubtedly be useful in appealing to a different culture of individual. He had never been on a ship before and so was daunted by the prospect of living on the Summit. I think he will give it a fair shot, and he should...things could go well if he plays his card right.

Things are pretty good in the old social group. We went horseback riding in Antigua, and it proved to be a pretty exciting experience, despite the fact that I got a wicked sun burn on my knees, and I find horse people unnerving. My lucky Chinease ship of good fortune burnt out, which is ok. I'm not entirely sure it was bringing me the good luck I needed. So I turn on my bedside lamp at night and put a red polo over it, casting the room in deep red shadow. I then turn on Monica's sound machine to whatever I please to help my red cave really sink in. If I'm in a good mood I go with the rain or the ocean or the rainforest, if I'm in a bad mood I turn up the volume all the way and listen to a heartbeat. It frightening... I've also put up a work of art on my wall entitled "Silent Hillside." Its a landscape by Itzak Tarkay that I first saw a year ago on the Mariner of the Seas...and my world is almost complete.

My buddies and I thought of a great sketch comedy character named "Smegma Boy." Conceived from dick cheese, Smegma Boy has the appearance of Mask, reaks of unknown bodiuly substances, vommits a cruel bile constantly, and has no sense of social grace. He likes bursts in on a conversation, comments on how his clothes and culture is so much cooler than everyone elses, takes a handful of someone esle chips without asking, and then vommits, and just wipes it anywhere to the shock and horror of everyone else. "Well I'll catch you assholes later, hahaha." Alternatively, I am getting pretty awesome at fooseball. Not so hot a offense, but my defensive skills are ranked among the best of the crew, and my golaie shot is killer. I'm a leading challenger, which is great considereing the fact that I always sucked big time at soccer. I sued to hit the ball with my hand. Not in fooseball friends, I am a real winner. I've also added "Bal'ma," my Wii character of choice, to the crew Wii. She frightens the world, but makes me happy. And shes a great bowler too.

We got a new port and shopping guide named "Evan from Heaven." ?!?!

Something pretty awesome happened at my last auction. I usually do this master's wall set up thing where I present a wall worth a ridiculous amount of money like 314 thousand dollars and offer it at 222 thousand. It's not so bad considering you're getting a sweet Rembrandt, Picasso, Dali, Chagall, Miro, and Peter Max. Then later in the auction I present a wall by the same artists around 23 thousand. Well, I had somebody collect the first half now, and will get in touch with me when he wants the second half. The great thing was that I didn't know he was going to collect it until after he saw the presentation. He just saw the auciton and was like, yeah, lets do this. Thats kind of cool for me as usually I go into an auciton with a pretty good idea of who is going to collect the big boys. So, this is a step up for me, popping it off of the block and definitely a step up for the guy who got his Picasso, Chagall, and Miro.

I run this silly spa auction where I auction off some the spa treatmeants for my lady friends up there. "I got a hot stones massage a year ago and I'm still having good dreams about it!" Spa girls always seem to gush around me, because I give them such girly attention. they like me, not necessarily in THAT way, but they're always like HiiiIiii. One of the girls told me that this last week a guest came up to her asking about me when I was in the gym. Yeah that's Coleman, the art auctioneer, she said. "Well he's really sweaty." And she just kind of didnt know what to say, and just awkwardly stared, and this guest continued..."He's all hot and sweaty...and built." She just laughed and said that was the end of the conversation. And thats exactly how I want my relationship with the spa to proceed.

We've been hitting the beaches we like for these last couple of runs down here in the Caribbean. The boat yard in Barbados, The Nest in Antigua, The Honky Tonk in St. Marteen, and The Pier in St. Thomas. It sounds like a bizarre code. HONKY TONK, ST. MARTEEN! Theres alot I felt I wanted to do on these islands, alot I hadn't planned on, and alot of sleep that was just too enjoyable to ignore. Am I content with my second go around in the Caribbean? Absolutely. Am I ready to move on? Absolutley. Do I believe that if I don't update my blog that I'll have poor sucess with sales? Absolutely.

Thanks for reading, and of course...more waterfalls!!!!

Worst Week/Month/???? Ever

2010-03-26T16:46:00.000-07:00

So, Friends,

What was best week ever then became what was looking to be my worst week ever has expanded exponentially to be one of the worst months I've had in a LONGGGG time. I'll start with the good. The new cast is great fun and together with the Elk Island Trio (Canadian Musicians) we've formed a close knit social circle. We go on adventures together exploring misty waterfalls, green gorges with misty waterfalls at the end of them, and warm sulfur pools with mitsy waterfalls at the end of them. The great news is I love waterfalls. I've been fascinated with them since I was a child. Swimming at the base of the Trefalgar Falls, as the white water flows past me, I look up at the air that is also pushed by the falls, flowing with that mysterious mist, and I scream with excitement pretending I'm being washed away in the Poseidon Adventure. My three British dancing lady friends, who I akin to all looking like they're auditioning for a role in a production about Jack the Ripper, say I'm funny, cool, but in a geeky kind of way. This is acceptable. I scream like Sally screams at the end of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Hysterical all at once with laughter, terror, disbelief, relief, and the knowing realization that I have just survived the single most traumatic moment of my life. This is what keeps me sleeping throughout the night.

San Juan is great, I've been exploring alot of old ruins and tunnels and fortresses. You know. So I'm cool there. San Juan really is a gorgeous city with a beautiful bay, and it irks me that everyone wants to go to the mall instead of the beautiful labrynthian constructs that lie awaiting adventurous outings. But this is my life. Some journeys must be taken alone. Other ports are becomin gold beans to me. Jewelry, trinkits, and beaches. They all beocme the same. Sure theres pieces of interesting culture here and there, but it takes some looking, and an effort I can't msuter as of now. I'm mostly looking forward to Bermuda...mostly.

And so the worst of the worst. Whats been so bad? I'd rather not describe. Instead, I'd like to list. Listing the reaons why these last weeks have been the worst. Here's hoping that things can only get better:

1) Almost died in a water taxi collision in St. Maarten.

2) Huge collector had to bow out to financial incompetence. Took two weeks to arrange a wire transfer from shoresdie and apparently her condo was flooded and is currently MIA.

3) Terrible breath on people who want to talk to me about how much great art they have, only to either a) dissapear completely from my auction scene or b) tell me the time just isn't good for them right now (despite the fact they're a self described "fast spender").

4) Have a huge potential sale with a boss's friend fall through on his wedding day after he seriously hurt his head at my auction and then his daughter began bawling (aka bad timing).

5)My phone got spased on at the beach and from now on constantly dials the number four in mid conversation

6)Let my computer use its battery to play me some nice music and has totalled my battery and wont start again...ever..forever...and ever

7)Fell into a pile of rocks, and then tumbled down...down..and one more time and pretty much gave my shoulder a good old heave ho.

8)Raffles and free, wheres my free, I need my FREEEEEEEEEEE

9) "35 dollars is way too much for something that I absolutely love and would undoubtedly enjoy in my personal collection"

10) "I could draw that" (its a painting)

11) Having to resort to convincing old ladies and thier senile spouses to collect art with their credit cards that do or do not work, and then track them down in the morning during breakfast to get the finances to come through.

13) "Did you draw that?" (its a painting)

14) People who are personally offended by my art auctions (despite the fact that they've never been to one) and those who "swear one of these day they're going to find a work of art on a ship they actually like...and not one thats absolutley awful..."(happened to me in the awkward environment that only an elevator could provide)

12) That's not a real Picasso.

13) The insanity of Theresa Banks and her FAR legion

14) Having the sick pleasure of severly discounting a Peter Max with ease simply for the enjoyment of knowing that the collector has to lug the painting across the continent as a take off.

15) Auctioneers across the board are now aboard with me in the No Man's Land of cruising. Like the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner, our fates are being played for by Death and Life in Death. Either way, the outlook is tragic, and sadly, not all of us have been dealt life.

Comment Card Analysis

2010-03-10T16:57:00.000-08:00

A big part of what the ship thinks of me comes from my numbers. But also a huge factor is guest comments. I have been doing pretty well, and its always interesting to get an outside perspective on exactly what I do on the ship. These three are spot on.

WERE THERE ANY CREW MEMBERS IN PARTICULAR THAT IMPACTED YOUR CELEBRITY EXPERIENCE?

7054 KEITH
COLEMAN AND SUSAN IN ART AREAS WERE SUPERB

8051 TERRY
COLEMAN AND SUSAN IN PARK WEST! LEARNED SO MUCH MORE ABOUT ART AND COLLECTED A FEW MORE PIECES IN THE PROCESS! SUCN AN ASSET TO CELEBRITY.

8170 WILLIAM
OFFENSIVE CIRCUS ATMOSPHERE WITH PERSON ON MIC HAWKING PICTURES AND OTHER CASINO THINGS WITH "ONLY FIVE MINUTES" - ETC., TO PURCHASE.

Eclipse

2010-03-06T14:11:00.000-08:00

All that you touch
All that you see
All that you taste
All you feel.
All that you love
All that you hate
All you distrust
All you save.
All that you give
All that you deal
All that you buy,
beg, borrow or steal.
All you create
All you destroy
All that you do
All that you say.
All that you eat
And everyone you meet
All that you slight
And everyone you fight.
All that is now
All that is gone
All that's to come
and everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon.

"There is no dark side of the moon really. Matter of fact it's all dark."

~I haven't posted in a while, but I have one coming up. I'm at a turning point, thats for sure, and we've been working extra hard. We've seen the good and we've seen the bad. Together, we're gonna take it to the other side.

OPP Level 2, Code Red

2010-02-18T19:39:00.000-08:00

And so today is day two that the ship has been locked down in OPP level 2 code red. Day three took us over the 2% threshold and further into the bowels of inescapable biohazard malignancy. We’ve had multiple resurgence spike of GI cases on the ship. 8 in the last 3 hours. 5 in the evening, 11 overnight, and we’re getting worse. Essentially someone touched something nasty and that gets inside their face which then gets the nasty on something else which someone else picks up and puts inside their face= major shitstorm for everyone. Literally. So, as a manager, I’ve had to designate a team member (aka Susan) as our OPP vital oxide representative. She gets to spray everything than anyone touches with super cleaner. How exciting. Another consequence is that we are no longer allowed to use any of the guest areas except when on duty. No gym, buffet, pool, but then, why would I want to? I’m sorry, I don’t want to have diarrhea out of every orifice of my body

So here I sit in my room during a major 24/Lost marathon, enjoying the ship’s TV “how to properly wash your hands” video of the day. Its hysterical. Its just movies of people washing their hands, over and over…and over. They interlock their fingers, and rub them in and out, in and out. Flip, repeat. Interlock those fingers, now caress in…out.... Notable Quotables:

“Wash your hands for 20 seconds before rinsing. That’s about the time it takes to sing the Happy Birthday song…Twice.”

“Now, how to wash your hands and keep them clean in order to help you stay healthy, it’s really simple, but really powerful.”

It’s inane…it’s insane…it’s….insnane…Twice.

Otherwise, things on the Summit have definitely been memorable in my first two weeks. I’ve been going to these ridiculous trainings, and they really take the cake from my other ships. Before I was under the impression that it was useful information that needs to be, at the very least, cemented in my mind if I already knew it as fact. But today, for example, I had to go to a training the simply reinforced the importance of going over safety with my team members. The training didn’t actually cover any safety, just its importance. This is not a fun topic to start the day off with. Another training covered why it’s important to not put shampoo down the sink (cause it hurts the BUGS! {??}). And a further more explains how you don’t want crowds screaming uncontrollably in an emergency (keep So, needless to say, some of my free time has been spent doing things I would not have otherwise have wished to do. But, those blissful moments when you do get to do those things you want to do, and you step out into the sunshine, and onto the sand. Well, let’s just understand that makes it all worthwhile. The Caribbean beaches are what dreams are made of. And the rum punch will knock you out. And the best times are had when you can just bee line away from the ship, leaving all the worries of work behind you. I’ve heard other auctioneers say, and it kind of true, that it’s absolutely devastating to run into clients when you’re off the ship. It ruins your whole day off. Its weird psychology, this sales thing.

Some fun we had was in Antigua, where they had a nice beach, and St. Maarten, where they have the best coconut smoothies right when you get off the ship (and shhh, sdont ask too loud to have rum put in there too). There are several Canadian musicians on the ship (all of them!) and Nick turned 30, so we went out for an Indian lunch followed by a beach nap. It was beautiful. In St. Kitts I took the team out to lunch at a nice balcony Caribbean joint overlooking the main square. We drank ginger beer and had some local food. That was pretty special to me. Just getting to sit around and relax at a local Caribbean balcony, watching the streets go by. Also, in St. Kitts I got my eyes examined and some frames picked out but will have to wait till Puerto Rico to get the lenses made (cause they will not do express in St. Kitts). In St. Lucia I wandered around until I found an ice cream shop (passion fruit) and that was pretty much the extent of the experience I want to have in St. Lucia…for now.

On the ship we are not allowed alcohol in our rooms, which is really odd to me. I should get to enjoy a nice Toddy in my room after a long work day, dammit. Instead I do my perfect push ups express, regularly, as I hope Steve is doing, and know Ryan is too. But, I am a manager after all…and by far the youngest one onboard (by at least five years, which is pretty radical), so I should be able to have the privilege. They had the Celebrity Cruise executives onboard, like the CEO and everything, and so it was funny to meet them with all these 30-40-50 something managers at our three stripe meeting (officers only, bitches). How excited they all were to meet these execs. And here I am, this kid, who’s been with the company for 2 weeks, like “well, its a pleasure to meet you.” I warmed up to one of the VPs. She and I both worked for Disney (Hahahahaha) so we had some understandings there. There is no dancing in the staff bar on deck one, which sucks cause its nicer than the crew bar on the tween deck (sub 2) which you can smoke in and makes you feel like you’re hanging out in the garbage incinerator. We did have a great Valentine’s Day dance party down there and one of the spa girls told me I was the coolest art auctioneer she’d ever seen dancing in the crew bar. Oh geesh. It was fun to let loose a little, and show em what I’ve got as it were (put on the poker face!) ;)

When I was in college, I studied for a summer session in Trinidad and Tobago. For me that was always a very cultural experience, and connected me to the Caribbean lifestyle long before I ever departed there on a ship. So, going to Tobago, again, for me was a sort of looming idea. I didn’t want to ruin that connection I had with that country, or taint it with the cruising cynicism that we crew sometimes develop. Rest assured, Susan and I had quite the experience there. She had been getting threatening phone calls from the doctor onboard, she was missing some tests, and would have to get them in one of the ports or be disembarked. He’s not a very…well, sympathetic individual. He made Susan cry, and I was really put off by a conversation I had with him. Either way, we decided to take Tobago day to accomplish our health tasks. Sort of a medical scavenger hunt on behalf of Susan. Chest X-ray, CBC, and drug test. So what followed was actually a very memorable day exploring the intricacies of the Tobagonian health system. I met a lot of friendly people, saw some sad ones too, and felt like I had stepped back in time, or another country…which is exactly where I am. Sometimes I forget I’m not in America. What would have cost us $360 in Puerto Rico cost us $11 in Tobago. It was all fairly pleasant. Sure, there was some walking involved, some wandering chickens, eating some local grapefruit juice and banana bread, but mostly it helped with my perspective on the world. I’m glad to have furthered my cultural knowledge of the island nation of Trinidad and Tobago.

My second San Juan turned out to be a pleasant little experience as well. Mike and Bethany, my old auctioneers from Disney, were going to be in town the same day aboard the Norwegian Gem. So I hopped over to their dock, waited for them to come in, and caught up with some long lost colleagues. Not much has changed with them, both their old kooky selves wrestling atop boxes of crackers, but its always nice to remeet old friends. Its necessary. Grounds you a bit. And the more you do a job like this, the more you need a constant. So we drank some margaritas, wandered the streets of old San Juan, and postulated when we might ever meet again. Sometimes you never meet your ships mates again, and sometimes, when the stars align just right, there they are. Oh the fates and the winds…how you must set your sail to thee. We also reminisced about wanting to vomit on everyone all of the time, spewing a perpetual cascade of psychosocial malaise. But that’s the type of people we are.

So I don’t like to talk too much business, but things have definitely been showing some promise and improving. I’m tackling this whole 6 days in port, one at sea thing. Any potential I have for the cruise is sort of flooded over me at the very last minute. So I have to work fast to win them over at the last moment. On my first cruise, the last night, I had an experience I will never forget. A 238K sale that I was this close to clinching. I worked with this guy for three hours on my very best Picasso, Dali, Rembrandt, Chagall, Miro and of course Max. I could taste it, like anything I’ve ever known. And I wasn’t too excited either, you have to play it cool, and I’m pretty sure I did all the right things, but in the end, he was no go. The issue wasn’t money, it wasn’t the worthwhile nature of the art, even his wife said it was a no brainer in, but for him it was a “gut instinct” he couldn’t put into words. You’re supposed to overcome their objections, which I did, but how can you overcome something that is not put to voice or reason. How do you overcome a gut instinct? Oh the possibilities have been going through my head, and it will be the experience that will stay with me till the end. For me, it wasn’t about the commission, but about the ease of knowing I did good. Imagine if I had blown all expectations out of the water right off the bat. I would have been golden for months. No worries, and not just from the home team, but from me. A psychological calm that would have lasted for months. But that’s a shoulda woulda coulda, all I can do is move forward.

And that’s where I am…moving forward to new and distant horizons. There was a volcano that erupted in Montserrat and the seas are turbulent. Ash has been raining down in the sky and has settled over the Summit. A strange haze fills the air…I see this as a sign of change, of promise…an explosion of good things to come.

Celebrity Summit: Starring You!

2010-02-08T11:04:00.000-08:00

The first week on board is always going to one of the most hectic, but a rare occurrence happened at the start of my third contract. I was given a two day “handover” where I cruise with the auctioneer and instead of a couple of pages explaining the processes (because each ship is vastly different), I get to see first hand, relieving some of that hectic pressure. More importantly, we auctioneers get to learn a little bit from each other. Auctioneers are always showmen, and as such, have very vibrant personalities (or at least they should). Our personalities are wildly varied, and you’ve usually never met anybody just like us. So it was a real good time swapping stories, and philosophies about our experiences in international fine art auctioneering. Luke was a really cool guy to spend some time with. Our first night we took the whole team out for dinner at the Summit’s specialty restaurant, the Normandie. It is decorated in honor of the famous cruise liner the S.S. Normandie, and even has old relics and decorations from the ship on display in honor of the fine tradition of luxury ocean cruising. The food was pretty good, four courses, and of course it was lobster night, which is something I never shy away from. Anyone know what a thermadore is? Anyways, I got to see his auction too, which was helpful for me to get back in the mode of auctioneering. I was afraid I’d be a bit rusty, but I managed well enough 

The ship is simply gorgeous. Its different from the other ships I’ve been on in that there is no large public area such as a promenade, or centrum. Its very segmented, but offers a lot more class in the variety of areas it features. There are all of these strange little rooms that I’m still discovering, such as the Conservatory…Miss Scarlet, with the revolver. The food is very decent even at the buffet. Things have distinct flavors, which is a bonus, but also diversity that makes sense. Curries and stir fry are on the Asian side, while your spinach, fig and grilled turkey salad (yum) is found in the European fare. As far as ship life goes, this is an improvement.

Elizabeth is the name of a 500 pound bronze ostrich that I had to offload this morning in San Juan, Puerto Rico. She was created by an artist named Nano Lopez who is famous for his bronze "Nanimals." Elizabeth is life sized and requires 6 people to move her off the ship. This was my first official task as the Art Director aboard the Celebrity Summit. It was hilarious. Puerto Rico is gorgeous, and kind of ridiculous to think that this is part of America. It is not. But hey, I don't need an I-95 like the other crew to get off the ship. There are definitely advantages to being American. The weather is gorgeous, my ship is as classy as they get and I just found out all my training carries over from the Rhapsody which is a huge relief for my first few weeks aboard. Makes life a hell of a lot easier. There are crew fitness classes 3 times a week which I hope makes me real sexy, and healthy options for room service as well. Veggie burgers and "Healthful" salads. Theres also a sushi bar which makes personalized rolls for you, which are surprisingly good. That is very exciting.

Susan is my assistant. She is 22 years old, from Winston-Salem N.C. and she loves horses and Doctor Who. I'm going to leave it at that, and see where it goes.

My goal for this contract is going to be a focus on success. I take this ship as a wonderful opportunity to do well, but also as a sort of new trial run for me. Ships can simply be quantified as good or bad (for auctioneers) depending on many different factors, but mostly two big ones. Capacity and price. I did pretty good on the Rhapsody with what I had, it was a small ship with a very low price to cruise. I was happy though with my performance, I did not fail, and in the end she took me to Australia. So hey. Naturally, the chance has been laid before me to further that success on a better ship (slightly larger in capacity with a much heftier cruising price tag). I strive to exceed everyone’s expectations on the Summit, including my own. To reach that pinnacle, if you will (oh geeze). I also want to look really sexy on the beach, so I have to be careful about the whole food glam thing. The fascination with all the food wears off pretty quickly though, but as such there’s a personal fortitude that’s required. A certain discipline. Thankfully they have a café in the spa with healthy minded proportions (Shrimp, avocado, and tomato salad anyone?), and its fucking awesome. That’s my plan. There’s also a veggie burger on the room service menu, so lets fucking do this. Who’s with me? As Monica puts it, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

I’m just very excited to be on the Celebrity Summit. I’ve been gushing since I got here, but it feels so right for me. I couldn’t have hoped for a better placement at this point in my career. The crew life hasn’t really shown a lot of promise, but maybe that’s a good thing. I don’t need to party all the time. Not anymore. Maybe its time I move on with being a real person. What about a nice regime of gym, reading, writing, studying (art), and entertainment (24, Lost, The Wire, 30 Rock, Doctor Who, and various films) with a little bit of island fun thrown in for good measure? The craziest thing for me is the itinerary. We’re in exotic ports 6 out of 7 days a week, and each week those ports vary. With my working hours, there’s no way I’ll be able to experience it all. But for instance, on every other ship I learned my itinerary and ports of call within the first 15 minutes of my ship assignment. Here’s a week into it, and I’m still looking at my chart to see where the ship is sailing. I’ve never known anything about half these places. Dominica? What? St. Lucia? Who? It’s crazyness. With my personal goals for this contract I don’t know how often I’ll get to explore these places, but I definitely will find some time here or there, and one thing is for damn sure. New adventures lay ahead…and that is what motivates my life.

This last day in St. Maarten (the Dutch side) I mozied into the "Number 1 Gift Shop" because I was looking for a nice little night light for my cabin (I can't sleep in total darkness, I find it confusing). Lo and behold I find the perfect thing...A Chinese lucky ship of good fortune. Its beautiful. Its Golden, plastic, and has Christmas lights on it. When I took it to my room to plug in, its great...for about thirty seconds before it starts blinking. This was the worst thing that happened to me all day. After a nightmare filled nap of bad luck blinking ship, I looked at the lights on the damn thing. Usually blinking lights have a signifier light, one that blinks the circuit. Using my ingenuity I shorted one of the sockets without ruining the circuit, switched the signifier and BOOM. My good luck is about to set sail (with a steady glow). I learned that good fortune requires just a little bit of work...and alot of golden.

Doctor Who Moment of the Week

2010-02-03T19:48:00.000-08:00

Susan (my new associate) and I are both avid Doctor Who fans. So, we decided to watch a couple episdoes the other night from a story neither of us had ever seen entitled: "Underworld"

Leela, the Doctor's companion, on becoming enranged that the Doctor has been captured approaches one of the ship's crew, intending to stab him with her poisonous Janis thorn. The nearby security advisor quickly brings out his "pacifying pistol," and taking aim, blasts Leela with its ray. Dropping her deadly weapon, she at first acts confused, then smiling, turns to the camera and says, simply: "Thank you."

Here We Go Again

2010-01-28T03:21:00.000-08:00

So,there was a moment when it finally kicked in for me. I was up all night packing, rearranging, and getting my life in gear. What do you bring with you for 7 months, what makes the cut? It an intensely personal thing to do, deciding what your life will entail. this shirt? No, not for this part of my life, you are left behind. These shorts? Well, its been years, but I'll give them a go...Maybe, they'll bring me more luck. Anyways, that wasn't it. That was just...life, I suppose. We left at 4am to go to Ohare, and it was bitter cold. My poor Dodo (stupid dog), has no idea what the hell is going on. She's looking at me like, what are you putting in a box? Are you putting me in a box? No, Dodo, stay. I will not see you for 7 months. That's sad for me. She has no idea I'm leaving, and neither does she know I'll ever be coming back. She wont know until I'm just, well, there. The dark, cold Chicago is never a good experience, and it always reminds me why I want to leave. The highway was clear thankfully, as I was running behind (as always). I got held up in security because as a constant traveler, I dress very immature, and I'm always pulled aside to be thuroughly investigated. But whatever. Just as I got to the gate they started boarding, so it was perfect timing, really. And then, finally, it started to sink in. I got seated, we started leaving the gate, and as I looked out my window at all the pretty lights, the dark winter, I thought to myself: this life will be going away for a while. Put it on hold. That's when it hit me, that's when it "began." To signal this realization, as if on cue, a light went on under the wing, and the plane took off. Away we go...up in the air.

Landing in Barbados was a revelation. The sky was clear with beautiful, small low lying clouds above the blue Caribbean water. Oh that water. It looked like the episode of Lost, WHERE THEY CRASH!!!! We didn't, thankfully (?) but being let off that plane was like stepping into another dream. Warmth. Sunshine. Chicago? Why?

My company booked me a hotel on the beach, the Silver Sands resort. I immediately enjoyed a dip in the sea. A cleansing. I took a nap and then went down to the cabana to have some Mount Gay (Barbados Rum) Shrimp, a rum punch, and some live music. They sang Amy Whinehouse and some great dance songs from when I partied in Sydney. That made me smile. I watched our President address the country which I was no longer living in, and then I went to sleep with my balcony open and the sounds of the sea coming into my room.

Here I am, the morning of my sign on. My big day, and I am so excited! The Celebrity Summit awaits me, I know.

This is it, here we go again!

International Fine Art Auctioneering

2010-01-19T20:21:00.000-08:00

Someone asked me whether my job really is all about “fine” art as I have claimed. I have no problem with this inquiry, and the answer has been brewing in me for a while. Then I saw something which put some finality on the subject for me. It was during Saturday Night Live one freezing Chicago night. It was a commercial for some art store chain advertising giant sized paintings for $30. Not just prints, but “starving artist” paintings. Smaller ones were only $17. Nothing under $57. So, finally a concise answer. Is my international art auctioneering fine? The answer: Yes (absolutely).

And, yes, I also use a gavel and talk fast. Really fast.

ALSO: BIG NEWS!!!!!!

My new ship assignment

THE CELEBRITY SUMMIT

This is an incredibly huge step up for me as Celebrity Cruises is a high end company. I am especially excited about this opportunity. I will be in the Southern Caribbean out of Puerto Rico until mid April, and then moving up to New Jersey, just off shore of Manhattan to do crusies to Bermuda and the North East American Coast. Check out all the details here:

http://www.cruisecheap.com/ships/celebrity-cruises-celebrity-summit.html

Let me know what you think :)

"Appropriately named, Summit will leave you feeling as if you've reached the absolute pinnacle of premium cruising. Large in size yet intimately elegant in ambiance, Summit boasts all of the services and amenities that have made Celebrity the preferred choice of avid cruisers around the world. Come aboard and scale the heights of luxury on Summit."

check out my new blog

2010-01-13T14:35:00.000-08:00

So, Ive created a silly blog with Alex Marsh. It speaks for itself:

http://sharkattacksandairplanecrashes.blogspot.com/

Prelude to the Journey: Part III

2010-01-11T00:25:00.000-08:00

Home Again. Still.

My electronic new year’s resolution is to post more often and less wordy. So, I welcome and encourage comments and questions. If anyone wants to hear more of one thing, I’d love to hear requests. I like writing with a purpose sometimes. I’ve recently started writing travel articles for a new magazine called Mint Male www.mintmale.com. It is a gay men’s magazine, and is really an exciting prospect for me. Most importantly, it gives me a “reason” for my writing. It also attracts some new attention, which can be good and bad. Either way it’s definitely a new voice. One I’ve never really used before, and am just getting the hang of. Of course this means that I am gay as well. I’ve never put it to the word before, so here it is. I like to think that the average person (who knows me at all) would have been able to tell by now, but I’m going to go ahead and make it official. My first article, which also happens to be about one of my all time best travel experiences, Sydney, Australia, can be read here:

http://www.mintmale.com/category/travel/

Being home was definitely as refreshing as I had hoped. I got to see all those people I felt I’d left in limbo, and it feels great to just pick up where I had left off. Regardless, everyone has changed, that’s natural, but to me they’re just as accessible as usual. Which is the most comforting part, knowing I always have a place and some peeps! I’ve gotten to see my family, which has been very nice, but also very different. Being away to come back, people expect you to have changed, and I have. It’s like I’ve reentered their lives as a more worthwhile character with enough experience points for a couple of level ups. I’ve certainly grown out on my own on that vast, mystery of a sea.

Lady Gaga has certainly been the craze I had never anticipated from the ship. I was naïve to think that I was one of her more unheard of fans. Not the case. She, marvelously, is one of the biggest names in the country right now, and I couldn’t be happier. When she received an award on MTV she said she wanted to thank God and the gays. She is fabulous, but then again:

“Not everyone can dress like the costume design of The Fifth Element multiplied by insanity.”

I’ve had lots of great party time in the city, times that can’t be priced, times I feel more lucky than ever, and so many pinnacles of fun stick out that I can’t place them apart. Oh, how often the best times meld together. There was one moment, though, that struck me as especially sentimental. It was after a great weekend with everyone and I had just started my ride back to Palos on Lake Shore Drive along with my good old neighbor Stacy. I was looking for the appropriate “going home from the city” music and found Of Montreal. What a sound they have? Well, shortly into the drive there was some traffic. There was something unusually wrong, as it was too early on a Sunday. As we approached the majestic Hancock tower, the problem revealed itself. A pick up truck driver had obviously not properly tied down (or possibly had not even attempted to tie down) a mattress. The said mattress had been rolled into and destroyed the front tire of a small red car. This car was therefore “stuck” in the middle of Lake Shore Drive, which is as close as they get to being a highway. This was it for me, real Chicago. What a sight? Nothing substantial, but at the same time unforgettable. I love driving cars, and often miss it when I’m away. I also love screaming to myself when I encounter bad drivers, which is perpetually. Here though, I couldn’t help laughing. Stacy agreed. Classic move.

That was a nice ride. We reminisced on growing up in the suburbs. We got to drive our way through the Forest Preserve, which is beautiful, but the main motive was to avoid Harlem Avenue. A true urban nightmare. As children, we had the same bus stop at the corner of Richard and 121st, kiddie corner to my house. That’s funny we’ve known each other as long as we have. We used to build snowmen in the street to be run over by our bus, and Stacy remembers how our dog Gretta used to escape right before school. We’d be chasing her around the yard for hours it seemed (a common occurrence these days). The Palos Pool was our lives in the summer, and we’d ride our bikes to Blockbuster, which is gone now. Ben Franklin is gone too. Things are changing, and our lives are different. This is simply the truth.

I’ve been looking at pictures from home, and I made a photo album for my Grandpa and Grandma to show them my travels. They don’t use the internet so haven’t really had the chance to see where I’ve been. Putting it together was very poignant for me, concentrating my best memories into one picture book, how different that world was. Especially the world under the ice; blue, lonely, and always haunting...

And there are times that I feel more lonely than ever when I’m at home. Every now and then is becomes a place stranger to me than the farthest reaches of the Earth. And so it goes. At this point, I am very much looking forward to heading out to sea again. I don’t know just yet where that may be, but the mystery has always been the most exciting part. International Fine Art is calling my name. I’ve been trying to read up on my art philosophy, the “why do we as a people express art” type of a thing. It’s a fascinating question really. I should intend to focus on that during the course of my next contract. The Part III of my journey, as it were. Gosh. Already? Part III? Here we go.

When reason sleeps, the sirens sing

retro cruising picture of the day

2010-01-05T14:14:00.000-08:00

This is one of my all time favorite photos from my travels. It represents many reasons why life is both exhilarating and horrifying.

Siberian Chicago-pop

2010-01-05T00:52:00.000-08:00

Eoin Sheil: omgomgcod4mw2!11!

Let me try to decipher this. Now I might be on the outside world, but if my cunning...yes, I've got it! Oh My God Oh My God Call of Duty 4...(hmm)...Modern Warfare 2! The year: 2011!

I've done it. Fascinating.

I can't believe I've been home for two months. What a difference this cold is to the tropics. Its been good though...I think. Having built a life away at sea, which ends abruptly when you step foot in that plane with your bags packed all too full, you return to what you had worked to be so different from. Not saying that I didn't like my life before, but there were things I was glad to leave behind. And the same goes with a life at sea as well, you know, always things you need to leave behind.

But for my family for instance. Its wonderful to have them again, but growing up I was the youngest, and I am still the youngest. I will always be the youngest, no matter what I do, say, or become, I will always be the youngest. This is frustrating for my personality. I was told I was immature growing up, and this, coming from someone at least 5 years older than me, is a sort of "no shit?" thing to say (in retrospect). Of course I'm going to be at a more immature place, you are older. Lets look at your life when you were my age, wise one. Now that I am "older", an official adult, that gap has closed between me and the majority of people around me, naturally, but theres that mentality still that is hard to break. That hierarchy.

I want to know where's the ref that decides when I've lapped someone, and pulled ahead? Who decides? I'm calling for an assessment, right now. Whos ahead? Especially now, when I'm living a life where people are starting to look up to me, some as a leader. I'm not against humbling myself, but I don't have to like being the most "inexperienced" in the room. Because I don't feel inexperienced anymore. I feel very much experienced, almost in a scandalous sort of way. As if Coleman knows a secret. And I can't wait to get out there to collect some more. I long for it.

I see that alot of people say they like to travel. Including me, I say it all the time. And I just realized, this means something different to almost everyone. Travel is such a vague word. I could travel to the toilet, or I could travel to the end of the Earth. Now I ask, where are you going to travel? What are you looking for? What do you expect to find? I've seen that these answers are also different for everyone. Sometimes they're terrifying, and other times, if you're good at observing, they're beyond your wildest dream.

I encourage everyone to reassess in this new year. I wish that we can all start to travel in a more enlightening way. To find exciting worlds filled with more hope, and that beautiful peace that comes with seeing that new horizon. And that these travels continue to change us into better human beings.

Because, where else is there to go?

Walking around the kitchen I made a promise to myself, a sort of ultimate goal:
I am going to live a great life. A happy life. A life that other people only dream about, but nobody else knows how to make happen.

Its about time for me to get back out there.

Exactly what it is that I "do"

2009-12-21T02:18:00.000-08:00

I get alot of questions from people to try and explain exactly what it is that I do on the ship. The answer: lots of stuff...most of which the guests dont see. But sometimes the best way to explain something is to get the answer from someone else. I just got this letter from a guest to my company, and I thought he put it quite nicely.

John wrote:

I had no idea the art auctions onboard cruise ships could be so much fun. My wife and I took our first cruise to Alaska last week where she led me to our first art auction. Initially I thought it would be boring but I would endure it to please my wife. Shortly into the auction as I listened to the auctioneer explain the nuances of each piece of art I became engrossed into his explanations of the history behind the art, the techniques used to create it, the artist himself and the value of each piece. We stayed for the whole first auction and attended each of the 2nd and last auctions buying additional art at each one. I did not expect to spend money on art during the cruise however we feel we’ve made a major change in the interior of our home as well as a good investment. Our Park West auctioneers onboard the Rhapsody of the Seas, Coleman Balogh and Tarun Rao, were both terrific in their presentation of the art as well as good honest people who were trying to both trying to educate and get the attendees interested in art as well as provide the art at very good prices. Coleman and Tarun accomplished both goals with us and we hope to see both again on future cruises.

Oz

2009-12-01T18:17:00.000-08:00

Oz, down under, the world’s largest island. Writing from so far away, Australia seems simply a part of the collective experience. But what a collective experience, and what a thing to be simply included. I’ve finally reached a point that is as far as possible from everything I have ever known. Such a journey this has been. Such a different person it has made me. I’ve sailed the greatest of the seven seas, and seen even more ends of the Earth.

Now I must explain that Sydney was really my only experience of Australia and I will in no way try to argue that this is a proper representation of the continent of Australia. However, I have great faith in the fact that Sydney is one of the best representations of that continent. How fun to sign off a seven month contract and spend 9 days in the mecca of awesomeness for Oceania? First of all, I stayed up all night on the ship the night before. I had packing to do, yes, and end of cruise paperwork, and all that, but I just took it at an easy pace. I was too excited to sleep. I finished all that was left of my life on the Rhapsody at my own pace, said goodbye in my quiet way, and then waited for land. We had been at sea for a week. Those were 7 long sea days at the end. You might wonder if we had some crazy going away party or huge thing for my departure, but I don’t roll like that on the boat. I leave with a sort of quiet dignity. With a knowing smile of fondness for something that I called home for a wonderful part of my life. The Rhapsody of the Seas. A chapter in the life.
At 5:45 Laura, Jake, Lara and I met on the top deck. We could see land coming. There were hundreds of people up to see the dawning of Sydney. Its one of those things that goes beyond being pretty or beautiful to look at. This was the beauty and passion of seeing a new land, a new future, with a coming day. And for me especially, an unknown future away from the ship. The end of my first, successful contract. That weighed on me a lot too. My first after the fact moment of: “I did it.” I can do my job. One contract down and whats next?

We got cold up there so we made some hot chocolate, and then went to get breakfast. The Windjammer café sits just under the top deck, and has the same panoramic view as up top, but with biscuits and gravy on the full buffet. Here is where I saw the Sydney opera house for the very first time. We docked right next to it. Now that’s something, going outside after 7 sea days, and being AT the Sydney opera house. Not gonna lie, that impressed on me as a little bit of something cool. I’m not that easy to impress these days, but that was really a something to make a mental note of.

Getting off the ship was the most bizarre feeling of my entire contract. The most oddly comforting irritating sense of why am I not going to sleep on a boat tonight? That’s not normal, me not going back to the ship, like after I walk away right now, I wont be coming back to the boat. Oh…Really? Ohhhhhh So…what…do I do? First things first, I needed a room.

I knew I wanted to stay in King’s Cross. After all, I had been warned by multiple people NOT to go there. The hotel I had been planning to go to was not what I had expected from their website. It was a random house on the street, not a hotel, and it was locked with an unhealthily skinny man speaking some Slavic language angrily into his cell phone. When I tried to open the door he asked; “You want hotel?” and put his phone to my ear. The man on the other end clearly had no idea why a stranger would be asking him about a hotel room, so I ran away back to the cab. I ended up running into this same scary man at a club a week later, AND HE’S THE ONE WHO RECOGNIZED ME! That’s a whole nother bag of apples. It took another 20 minutes to find a place that had a single bedroom available. I suppose I’ve decided that I reached the point in my life shere I’m too good to share a hotel room with bunkmates. So I holed up in D*Lux Hostel in my own room where finally, I had a window, and after 7 months, time to myself...time off. That moment, of closing the door behind me, sitting down in a strange room, alone in a city thousands of miles away from everything, was a good moment. Peaceful. Relieving. In just a few seconds all the burden of months began to ease off my shoulders. There would be no guests after I left this room, as I, finally, was a guest myself. This was Coleman, Off.

What followed were my travels in Sydney as the traveler. Of course, wherever I went, I went under the guise of Coleman Vander Meer Balogh, International Art Auctioneer, as that IS what took me to Sydney, but really it was Coleman, convieniently shy and unashamedly curious. First things first…a four hour nap  (that’s a homage to the ever glamorous Palos Motel on Harlem that advertises their interstate famous whirlpool suites and 4 hour naps. As a child I always thought how nice that sounded. A whirlpool room for 4 hours where I can go to nap.)

After waking in a room (with a window! With trees outside of it!) I did the best thing I knew what to do when in a new place for the first time. I went for a walk. Now King’s Cross is not exactly what I would call a lovely area, I knew this in advance, but it was unexpectedly interesting. “Colorful.” There are tons of unnecessary stores like internet shops, travel centers, massage parlors, titty clubs, sex shops, costume venues, and food stations. They had Turkish pitas, Arabian falafel and pita, fried chicken, sushi trains, pizza, grills, and of course McDonalds. I usually opted for sushi train, but for that first day I went to the dandelion fountain court because they were having an outdoor food and book festival. I got some Asian and some Turkish and bought a new book, Naked Lunch. It is not an easy read. I walked down the road maybe 3 or 4 miles. I scoped out the scene, picked up some gear (including some new tank tops and a couple bottles of wine). I ran into some green conservationists and took a quiz on energy efficiency, and ended up winning a much needed green man bag made out of Sydney city banners. Neat! And then I just wandered on some more. Felt it out sort of. Sydney has a very comfortable modern feel, with just enough diversity and European heritage to not feel like any other metropolitan city. It felt a bit like Dublin…kind of London…and maybe some of Chicago as well. A good mixed feel to it. Just the sort of place to keep me entertained for a few days. Wandering home I got that sick sensation for a moment, that Oh God, I have to get to the boat…and then…it went away…the process of loss I suppose. I got it a few more times through out that trip, but it was mostly on that first day going into evening that my freedom came to me.

Of course I had to go out alone to the clubs, which is always kind of awkward. I don’t like going out alone, ok, I don’t PREFER it to going with company, but there’s no way I’m staying put in a hotel room in Sydney, AUSTRALIA. I drank some wine, geared up in my best outfit and hit the town on my own. And let me tell you this…Australians love Americans. Even if there are some out there that don’t, it don’t even matter. The ones that do love you, will find you, and it was totally worth it. Maybe I just happened to pick the right club. It wasn’t too dancy, it wasn’t too chill, it was just right…almost like that bitch with the porridge. I had a blast, and I even met a new group of friends who would go on to be a very significant part of my trip to Sydney. All on night one. If you don’t go balls out, you might as well have stayed home. I suppose being on my own has its own advantages as well. I’m fresher on my own. I don’t have to convince anyone to go anywhere special, because as most people know, I know what I like to do, and I trust my own adventurous instinct. I could always use helpful advice, even a trusty guide in some hazards, but usually I like leading the pack. And in Sydney, its lone wolf. I think I managed well enough anyway. Its funny though, my first night with a hotel room, and I didn’t even get to use it.

That next day was another one of those odd sensations. Not at sea…not on a boat, but waking up in Australia. How refreshing. Luckily that day I had a new friend to take me around. Got to see some beaches, went to a state park overlooking the bluffs that lead into Sydney harbor (I guess we weren’t in Sydney anymore), and then finally got a ride back to King’s Cross. It was a nice intro lesson to the layout of the city. That day was going to be a lazy day as well, but I wanted to do the typical thing in Sydney, which was the opera house. There were also a royal botanical garden, and the “central” Hyde Park on the way there, so I planned another long walk. But first NAPPPPppppppp.

So I again I present the image of me, as the stranger, wandering alone in the botanical gardens, the royal harbour, the main park, the reflecting pool, the “art and about” show, the grand cathedral and fountains, the aqua facility, and then finally the Sydney Opera House. They are all beautiful sights to see and witness, but there was something special for me to be on my own. They helped me to contemplate my time, reflect on who I am. In that way, like art, they teach you who you are and what culture is. I have pictures to show of course, check them out on facebook.

The next few days all sort of lazed together. I spent a lot of time online, hanging out, drinking coffee, hitting up the super convenient sushi train, and going to see the further sights of the city. I went to visit the Art Gallery of New South Wales where they have an amazing collection of pieces. I also wrote a lot of postcards here, listening to Phillip Glass as my soundtrack.
Intense Phillip Glass orchestrations in an art gallery is really a unique experience. You naturally correspond the music with the pieces you look at, synched to the music. Turn your head as the orchestra turns a corner of its own kind. It was pretty intense, but enormously inspiring. I left there with grand ideas of stories and books and possible futures. It left me excited about life, which I suppose is the whole point of traveling anyway. This was one of the best memories I have of Sydney. I continued to walk around that day for about 5 hours. Checking out the downtown area, writing more postcards, walking around the harbour, and finally I hit up an Asian noodle festival in the park (blargh!), and then decided to go see a movie. It was the first time I’d been in a movie theater in a very long time, and I enjoyed it. It’s all the “nothing” stuff I missed being away at sea. All the slow nothing time that you take granted when you don’t have a 24 hour schedule. What a relief.

That evening I watched some Australian TV before going out to party. They had Liza Minnelli on for their Australian Idol, which was hilarious, and then they advertised a Seinfeld reunion up next. What they didn’t advertise was that it was Curb Your Enthusiam! On national TV! How cool. But weird marketing. They didn’t mention anything about Curb until the episode started. Those Australians! Later they played a weird documentary about dug out living in the outback, people who carve their homes into the Earth. There was even a dugout motel. They also didn’t use your typical commercial transitions. Just a much different TV than what I’m used to. I say that Australia is like the US, but opposite. Like a mirror image of our culture. The same, but oddly different. I love it.

The next day I wasted a lot of time on the internet again, and even though I had planned to go to the beach I wanted to fed ex my business papers first. What I found, much to my frustration, was that Fed Ex had left Australia recently, and the other posting services just wouldn’t cut it. So, exasperated, I went to the park and laid out in the remainder of the day’s sun. It was OK. Afterwards I shopped for a Halloween costume I knew I probably wouldn’t be able to use that year and went back to the internet. That evening I planned on doing something a bit different…hitting up the Star City Casino! If you don’t know me, I love to gamble. More specifically, I like games. Tonight was no different. Getting to the casino was a bit of a hassle, but totally worth it. I took 300 bucks with me, suited up in my sleek black Ben Sherman track jacket, and set out for what had planned to be a couple hours of good time starting at 11pm. I left at 7 the next morning with 1100 bucks in my pocket…and a sly smile on my face.

I started with a drink, of course. I asked for a Manhattan, as this is my lucky drink, and the bartender gave me a weird look. It took him a while to make the drink, presumably he had to look it up. Theyre not “used” to people who order Manhattans. Well, get used to it. It tasted strongly of something that wasn’t a Manhattan, but I figured I’d let it slide and start on the fun. To ease into my mind frame I started on the slots. Now with slots, I know there are loose slots, and tight ones. For me, I have to find that ‘right’ one. And that night, I got lucky. It took me a good 5 minutes to search it out. It ended up having a very confusing Middle Eastern theme, and stood alone at the end of a row of ocean themed slots, all by itself. That’s got to be it. I put a twenty in the machine, it was a penny machine, and I just max betted my way to about 350 bucks. Seriously. I hit the main jackpot twice. The funniest part was that there was no one around to watch me win. I’d hit the jackpot, drink my Manhattan and just kind of laugh to myself like some old woman. I felt like a creepy old man, but I also felt great. After about an hour, I cut my losses (I was up to about 550 at one point) and headed off to play another game. Next up Roulette. Now I’m not so great with this game. I lost 100 dollars, but I played for a good hour. I saw more people loose their whole stash multiple times in that period, so I thought I did ok. Didn’t win nothing at the end, but I played the whole time. Its worth it in my eyes. And up next, my true passion, Black Jack. This was my big time at the Star City. Blackjack is a game of luck, but for me intuition. I know where my chances are, sure, where statistics lay, but there’s also the feel of the cards. I can feel the black jack, almost like a weird intuition, and I was unashamedly the most obnoxious person there. I scream when I get good cards. I have fun. Other people look sick. Like their life is on the line. No matter what, I want to have a good time. I played for hours. Screaming, yelling, and laughing the whole time. Isn’t that the point? Apparently my dealer didn’t think so. Her name was Natalia, and she was THE WORST dealer I have ever had. One of the rudest individuals in a customer service position I have ever encountered. I of course spoke to the manager about it, and I of course was hammered, but still. I considered writing a letter to the casino afterwards, and it would have gone like this:

To Whom It May Concern,

Good Day. My name is Coleman Balogh and last evening I immensely enjoyed your facilities at Star City Casino. There was one specific area of concern that I would like to bring to your attention, that of the performance and attitude of your Black Jack dealer Natalia. From the beginning of the 2 or so hours I spent with Natalia as a dealer, I was greeted with rudeness, terrible service, and an admitted disdain for the game I was currently enjoying. Upon greeting Natalia I asked her if we were going to have a fun game with her, at which she told the entire table in an Eastern European accent that she found Blackjack “boring” and couldn’t care less if we won or lost our money. After a continued awkward silence I tried to liven my own enjoyment of the game with remarks about successfully being dealt blackjack. At no point did I remark towards Natalia or her performance. None the less, anything I said was met with deliberate dirty looks from Natalia. Also, as I am American, I am not used to the slightly different rules for blackjack at your casino. If there was an action I did not understand, I was rudely told that the game we were playing was blackjack, and to not interrupt her until she was finished. She then insinuated that I am what’s “wrong” with ten dollar tables. I asked her to elaborate what she meant when she said there was something wrong with our table, and she responded “many things.” At one point she told me to not call her by her name, despite her name tag, so I was then forced to refer to her as “Dealer.” Later, after a considerable amount of winnings on my part, I tried to cash in my small chips for larger ones. She did so reluctantly and VERY slowly, complaining I had gotten the chips wet, and that I was responsible for slowing down the table. As embarrassing as this was for me as a guest at your casino, I continued the game none the less. I was winning after all. She then miscalculated my amount of chips and the manager present SAW AND COMMENTED on this and had her recount my chips so she did not give me back less than what I gave her. She again mentioned the fact that there was something “WRONG” with our table. I told her that for me things were right, as I was up a considerable amount of cash. She then told me it was probably a good idea for me to leave the table at that time. I responded that I wasn’t going anywhere, Dealer. After she left I spoke with her manager about the multiple incidents incurred while being dealt under Natalia.
Now, I myself work in a customer service environment that also has a casino. I do not work in the casino myself, but I work with their managers and marketing department. I can tell you that had one of our dealers treated a guest in such a manner, they would be instantly terminated from their role. I am in no way suggesting such actions be taken against this particular individual, but I do suggest that this dealer be addressed concerning these incidents to ensure that no other guest to your fine establishment is ever treated in such a poor way.

Thank you for your consideration,

Coleman Vander Meer Balogh

P.S. WHAT A BITCH!?!?!

The next day I mailed my shit and finally made it to the beach. I was kind of getting sick of being alone. Especially at the beach. Sure I got some sun, but it would be nice to talk to someone. I felt like I couldn’t leave my stuff to go swimming, and I also felt like a huge creeper looking at all the babes. And there were tons of them. Maybe, though, using the binoculars to stare was a bit much. Oh fuck it. Whatever. I am who I am…and I just won a grand playing black jack. So let em wonder. Also, I’m in the prime of my life. There’s no shame in going to the Aussie Bondai (!!) Beach alone.
There was a lovely sea cliff walk which went down the coast a couple of miles, so I did that for a few hours. I saw some cool sea cliffs, tidal pools with lobsters, and of course I found an amazing shore side cemetery at twilight. It was one of the most beautiful and spooky cemeteries I have even visited. I also don’t think that visiting cemeteries is at all “weird.” They are, essentially, very well kept parks, monumenting the love and adoration that individuals had for the people in their lives. They are mysterious, they are spooky, but they are also pure representations of who we are as a species. Paying homage to those who came before, remembrances of the love we shared. I think they are beautiful, sometimes sad, but also joyful. Haunting in an emotional and spiritual way. They are indeed sacred spots on this world, and I am thankful to share them. The energy simply feels different, and each plot is unique. A bit macabre, but fascinating none the less.

I’ve gotten pretty good at figuring out public transport, which I think is an accomplishment. It makes me feel like a puzzle solver, and a man of the world. Wherever I go, I can take a bus. Great job! Also, wherever I go I either take my Bahamian or Marshall Island’s Seamans book. They are records of my travels at sea and the ships I have worked on. They look just like passports, and since I keep my money in them, I take them out for people to see when I pay for stuff. I usually get a comment from people (which always strikes up a nice conversation) about where I’m from. I say I’m from the Bahamas or the Marshall Islands and people usually look at me in such a way. A way of knowing…or longing maybe. It;s an odd look, an emotion that rarely gets used. For me it;s like a spell I can cast on people. If anyone asks further, I tell them I’m an international art dealer. It’s the truth after all, well kind of. But it’s a fun part to play. I interact in people in ways I never had before. No longer am I just a tourist…I am a Traveller…an Observer. I love it. I always leave them with a kind smile and a farewell.

Against my better judgment I decided to take a tour the next day. I hadn’t really ventured out of the city and I and organized adventures, but I heard that the Blue Mountains were definitely something to see. There were tons of tours to take, but I opted for an alternative. It was advertised as a small tour, a “Walkabout” guided by an aborigine. It was nice. Different from what I expected, but worth while. I would judge it a mild success. The worst thing about it was that the small group consisted of me, the guide, and a terrible older couple from Arizona. They looked like they stepped right off the ship, wearing matching denim outfits (shirts and jeans) and identical “Australia” hats with corresponding kangaroos. It was embarrassing for me. He basically introduced himself by farting (and continued his obscene flatulence through out the walkabout) and laughing at everything he said like it was a hilarious surprise. For instance: “I guess were definitely going to see the Blue Mountains today Blargh Hahahahaha!” Yeah, I guess we will. And they also had a hard time keeping up in the difficult terrain of the “bush,” which is nobody’s fault really, but when she started to complain it was nice to hear her husband say that she knew in advance it would be difficult and insisted. The tour itself was nice, not very scenic though. It was the woods, you know? I do a lot of hiking in the woods, and I really had to push myself to remind my senses I was in another continent and not Chicagoland. On the other hand I did get a nice dose of Aborigine culture and mythos. I learned about the Rainbow Serpent (hehe), the feeling trees, dream time (an interesting concept about putting yourself into another plane of existence) and essentially the purpose of the walkabout. Luckily, our guide encouraged us to be quiet. It did little to mute Arizona’s flatulence or his unnecessary hysterics. My farewell to them was worthwhile. We hit up a local bar afterwards where we had only 15 minutes before the train back to the city arrived. I offered to buy my guide a beer, and out of kindness offered a beer to the couple. They said they’d take two diet cokes, and I told them I’d be happy to buy them a beer. The cokes are on their own. Of course I got the fuckers their cokes anyways, but when the train pulled up ahead of schedule, I ran away. Didn’t get to say good bye, just took off, and left them in my trail. And that’s where I’m happy to leave them. I made the train with seconds to spare.

Did some more typical nightlife before hitting the hay. Got some spinach and cheese pie, and some suhi. The next day I did an ultra tourist thing again. I went to the market to go bag shopping and grab some souvenirs for home. I went to the beautiful downtown Chinease friendship garden (check out those pics), had some tea and dim sum. Afterwards I went to Wildlife World to finally see some kangaroos and koalas. They were nice, but it was pretty much like being at the zoo.
Worth the ticket? Maybe not, but how many times am I going to be in Australia? And how many times will I win at Blackjack? All of them! I went to go see the stupid Journey to Mecca at Imax (it was the largest screen in the world) where I fell asleep, and then had dinner at a noodle shop in Chinatown. That night, I partied. I partied so hard I forgot that I was a human being. I met so many crazy people, and ended the evening at 9am arguing with front desk guy convinced that the elevator was broken because it wasn’t responding quickly enough to me pushing it repeatedly. I was out of my head, but it was awesome. To think I was forgetting what its like to party so hard. Won’t let it happen again. To think of those people I interacted with at those three different clubs. What did I say? Why did I do that!? Will they ever remember me? The Shanghai nightclub above that one hotel? The bathroom? Wilco? Phoenix which doesn’t open till 6am? The popsicles and tootsie rolls? The music? Video DJs? It was such a blur, even then, but I feel like if people got awards, I’d be somewhere on top that night. Even alone, it’s a great party.

I was going to go to the beach that next day, but slept instead. I needed it. I didn’t do a thing that day. Sat inside, went to the fair at the dandelion fountain, and then just sort of hung out. After that, I’m almost done with Sydney at this point, and I feel like I got a very decent taste. Mostly, I’ve been reflecting a lot on who I am, and what I am meant to do. I’m getting this urge inside to do something great with my life, something fantastic. I know what I’m doing is fantastic already, but it’s solely individual. I don’t get to share how exciting things are as much as I’d like. I want to show everyone the excitement as it were. I want to show the world. I think about Wisconsin a lot. It is the place of my dreams, and I think of it more than any other place across the globe. I can’t say why, and I think that’s the real clue. Something instinctually attracts me there. Like it means something very special. Like it is very significant for that next step in my progression. I feel I should take my dreams there, the book I had dreamt, the story, telling it, letting it out, and going up there to retreat. That is what I must do. This is my destiny. I can feel it.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll be like this for my whole life, wandering through the world, with people coming in and out of my life constantly. Essentially I am the lonely traveler. I embrace it, but I have to be careful of a life like this, what it makes me. At this point I am looking forward to going home again, back to base, my friends and family. I wonder, and even fear, that no one can understand who I am, that even I don’t know myself anymore. This unfamiliarity in my own mind and body. Who did I become? Is this what I had wanted, or could I have even known what it is that I now enjoy? There are so many facets of this experience that I can’t put into words, even to touch upon in my own thoughts. The intangible. The excitement of the unknown. I wonder if everyone feels this way at times, or is it the product of my strange reality. I know that my reality is unlike anyones I’ve ever known, and it’s mostly a good thing, but I also wonder if perhaps this reality helps to further my own insecurities, or in the very least creates new ones for me to hurdle, distractions, a distrust for a constant reality. Yet, I couldn’t imagine a better life that what I have right now. So I continue to ponder the imperfectness of our world. In the life that I’ve found, one that is better than any other I’ve experienced, I still find even more things to be afraid of, some of which I seem greater fears than the ones before. Do I want to be the man I’m becoming? Do I have a choice? Perhaps that is what builds people into greatness, risking that which turns the others into failures. For me, I can simply strive to be unlike any other.

I’m going out to the bar to meet up with my old friends from that first night, one last wonderful hurrah (and it truly was wonderful) at the clubs, and then I have one more day in Sydney. The famous Sydney opera has an open house, and there’s the modern art museum and an oyster bar nearby. That’s my final plan for Australia. Then it’s to Miami for advanced business training and finally, one more time, after ALL this time, Home.

Home.

And then there was Tahiti

2009-10-27T02:30:00.000-07:00

So we left Hawaii to head out to sea once more. Always a daunting prospect. After I step off land, I won’t step on another ground for another 4 days. That’s quite a commitment to the ocean. Putting yourself to the fates. Anything could happen.

Of course, in these modern times, that “anything” has been reduced to “remarkably unlikely.” Those 4 days went smoothly as expected. I had two seminars and a successful auction. I go to the gym sometimes and watch 24 season 5, which is AMAZING. One of my friends in the spa likes to joke around with me. She tells me that when I wear my gym shorts, and she looks at my bum, it’s like “2 eggs in a hanky.” That might be the best compliment of my life. Our guests have primarily been Australians now, and its such a different type of clientele. Our entire crew had to go through Australian transition training where we had to learn about the lifestyle and general knowledge of the Australian people. Words like Fair Dinkum and Teatotaller. Did you know the capitol of Australia is Canberra, not Sydney, and has a total population of 22 million? It has the highest ratio of beach front to population in the world! Awesome. The training ended with a session of Jeopardy, and I told the room my team was going to win. I was right. Anyways, the Australian people are more vibrant and down to Earth than Americans. They don’t take themselves too seriously and are generally more (honestly) friendly. But they expect you to be upfront with them. Which I am. With sales, you have to put the ball in their court, and they will usually follow through even if they decide not to collect. Heres the price, you let me know what you would like to do. It seems less tacky to me, and feels more genuine. If they like it, they’ll urge themselves to get it, which is fine by me.

Also, we had an equator crossing ceremony. This was weird. They told me to come up to the pool deck around 11 am for the proceedings. Essentially everyone from cruise staff dresses in drag to honor King Neptune and his wife. They then tied me up along with the production staff and carried us out in front of all the guests in order to pay homage and beg forgiveness from Neptune for being unworthy pollywogs. In order to correct our misgivings, we had to “kiss the fish.” This is when they take out some less than fresh fish from the dining room and have us kiss them in front of everyone. Weird. Then they randomly break eggs over us and then flour us. Weird. And then they throw chunks of beef at you. I don’t get it. Why? That’s all I kept yelling, Why? For what reason? We crossed the equator, thankfully, and then had a crew ceremony later that night. I got to MC, but it was still just as bizarre. I don’t get it.

Another incident was the fact that Tarun emailed my boss from my own email account pretending to be me. He is surely a troubled individual. He went on to accuse managers from the ship of setting him up in some conspiracy to have him fired, when all is said and done is the fact that he’s a drunk. What else does anyone need to know? Anyway, I called my boss and we both had a good laugh over it. He told me they were taking bets on whether or not that was actually my email as I don’t commonly forget to capitalize letters and omit punctuation. Great job, Tarun!

Seeing you again makes me want to throw up… in a good way.

And then one morning came and I was in Papeete, Tahiti. Oh, being on land again is a welcome site, especially when that land is French Polynesia. Easily the most exotic place I have ever been to. Of course there was more to come. Now, the common misconception is that Tahiti encompasses multiple islands. It does not, but for the sake of simplicity I will refer to the four days in French Polynesia as Tahiti. We rented a car for that first day. Tahiti is the biggest island of French Polynesia’s Society Islands, so the best way to get about is by car. Being in the city is a good and bad thing. It’s kind of a dump and not much to look at, but there is more “stuff” to do. You get to see a lot driving around, and the distant mountains were beautiful. I love tropical islands, such a lush feel and look to them. It’s like…paradise. We decided that everything sounds better with the word Tahitian in front of it, so I will continue to do so. Once out of the city we cruised down the Tahitian coast. Tahitian black sand beaches, distant Tahitian islands in the sea, and of course the occasional Tahitian waterfall. We stopped at a couple of those Tahitian beaches, saw a tall Tahitian lighthouse, Tahitian palms, some Tahitian cliffs, and paddled in some tropical Tahitian coves. Just sort of wandering…observing…Tahitian style. I am Coleman the Observer, and for that day, Coleman, the Tahitian Observer. We traveled through the Tahitian bamboo forests to feel the spray of a Tahitian mountain waterfall, and we sampled some Tahitian cuisine at a peculiar Tahitian shopping mall. We came up with a secret pass code for the day. “Yellow water falls out of my lava tube.” We then traveled down the other side of the coast to see the Tahitian sunset. There we found some secret Tahitian grottoes filled with bats and drank from a fresh Tahitian spring. I stumbled upon an Australian gentleman urinating in the bushes and then we left to figure out how to return our Tahitian rental car to the Tahitian airport. They gave us this terrible map and we had to like, actually go through the airport terminal. It made no sense, but I navigated successfully. It was like a mini puzzle from Silent Hill. SILENT HILLLLLLLL….Afterwards, we headed back to the ship. I got some dinner from a local food plaza thing, some Chinese food, and then we went out to a Tahitian bar. I got some Tahitian beer mixed drink cocktail thing (different, but rather nice) saw a Silent Hill building and then went to a terrible club fashioned with Hollywood memorabilia. No one was there except us, and the bartender was named Damien. He was from France, and I got into the whole “Damien! Look at me, Damien! Its all for you!” tirade, but I don’t think he got it. I guess I’m sort of ridiculous. But hell, how many times do you meet Damien these days? And so we ended our night in Tahiti and headed back in to the ship. Because the next island was so close, we just sort of drifted that night out in the sea, it was nice. There was a warm breeze and a full Tahitian Moon, just like the song. “I can see the lights of the shore getting farther away. I don’t know if I’ll make it home tonight, but I know I can swim…under the Tahitian moon…one last time, under the Tahitian Moon…The sea is a very easy place to disappear on, to drift away on…”

The next island, Moorea. This was my “unexpected” pleasure island. Envisioned as and inspiring the concept if Bali Hai, it is easily the most beautiful island I had ever been to. Tall, green mountains overlook a calm, blue Tahitian lagoon. Absolutely enchanting. The land of enchantment. A small group of us did a day tour thing. We hoped off the ship and caught a boat that takes you along the reef where we stopped to snorkel with some sting rays and sharks, awesome, and then takes us to a secluded “motu” or mini island. Now, geologically these islands are in the middle stages of what will be an atoll and the newer volcanic islands, like Hawaii. They have just begun to erode back into the sea. So, the original shores, when they were new islands, still maintain their protective coral barriers even after the land begins to descend back into the ocean. This leaves beautiful blue lagoons surrounding the main mountainy part. Your are left with a ring of coral reefs, and motus which then protect that larger inner land mass, leaving one of the most ideal places on the surface of our planet. Calm, pristine, gorgeous lagoons to paddle around till you’re so overtaken by the natural beauty you’re convinced you’re living a dream. Beautiful fish swim everywhere, the water is calm and warm, and the sun shines down happily. You are filled with a sense of unspeakable joy with the world, and a contentment which speaks in a certain way that “this is it.” This is the place to be. We hung out on the motu for a while, explored the reefs, and celebrated my personal philosophy of “you haven’t been anywhere unless you’ve peed on it.” The cost? 4 days at sea. Well worth the trouble…well worth the life. Afterwards we headed to a local crepe café, saw some cats, and then headed to the beach before setting sail. We were headed back out to sea early that day, but it left just the right impression of a beautiful island. That desire for more. Always leave them wanting more. When we got to the beach, guess who we saw there. Damien! Look at me, Damien! Its all for you!

The next island was called Raitea, and was not as nice as Moorea. No worries though, I made a very special memory there. One of the dancers, Colleen, and I have struck up a nice friendship and we walked around Raitea’s town. There wasn’t a lot to see there so we decided to go to the beach. I ate a chow mein sandwich with ketchup (WEIRD) and we got a taxi to take us to a nearby resort. Everyone (the cool crew) was there. Now, there was no beach, but there was a pier that you could jump off of and snorkel around, and a pool, but I mean, come on, why use the pool when there’s the beautiful Tahitian lagoon right there? Anyway, there’s a couple of motus not far from the pier, maybe a couple of kilometers. The pier had some kayaks you could borrow, so Colleen and I decided why not kayak to the motu over yonder. Fat chance, Dumbo! A bunch of people already got em. So instead Colleen and I borrowed some of their snorkeling equipment to explore the reefs while we waited for our turn on the kayaks. We had some flippers and goggles, and we’re paddling around, and we said to each other, hey, why don’t we just swim there? Oh but theres currents, what if theres sharks? And that bullshit. One of the entertainers said, don’t worry about it, its all in your head, just go. And so we did. We swam to the motu. It was something I will never forget, ever. One of the most amazing experiences of my life. I developed a personal philosophy around it:

In Tahiti, swim across the crystal blue lagoon to the exotic island oasis, when you return, you have, from here until ever more, “come from the island.”

And that’s the truth

And finally, the epic, the unforgettable, Bora Bora. In my cabin, the entire contract, I had a dry erase board on the wall with stuff I needed to do for work. Marketing, expo, financial controlling, restrictions, key times to promote, top sales and goals, and of course, in the corner, a reminder for why I do all this stuff: Bora Bora. Its been something I’ve been looking forward to in my life for months. Bora Bora. It sounds like the land of dreams, of the imagination, and it trumps everywhere, anywhere, as the most beautiful, ideal spot on the Earth. Ever. Of course we only had until 3pm, that was when our ship left for Australia, so what to do?

I had debated about it, but then settled on the idea of doing a crew tour. I’ve grown to disdain tours, but I found myself surrounded by my new friends. I realized, this was about it, this was the last time I would have with my mates on any exotic locale, because the next time I come to land, I will be signing off the ship. But what a better place could I have hoped for? Friends on boats…in Bora Bora. Amazing…AMAZING. Why do people go anywhere else in the world? Why pay money to go somewhere else? Why? I understand, Bora Bora is not an easy palce to get to, its not cheap, but man, its worth it. Worth more than anything you could imagine. Go. Go to Bora Bora. You will never forget it.

So our guide Shark Boy took us to a couple of snorkel spots, where we saw the stingrays again. These things are ridiculous. They go ga ga (Lady!) over fish parts and just want to suck on you. You put the fish in front of them and they start sucking with their faces, but can’t see you, so I lead them onto other people, where they come out of the water and flap on your chest like the facehugger from Alien. This was hysterical, especially with the girls that scream. You wait until their not looking and then get a stingray to come up on their back, when they turn around…its too late! They scream and scream, and I laugh hysterically. I’m such a kid, but it’s just too funny. Monica would hate it! Of course I got my dues. I got a huge hicky on my chest, one of those buggers bit me bad…..it was worth it. Shark Boy also turned me on to Monoi Tipanie oil. It’s this wonderful Tahitian oil that combines coconut and monoi flower and you just rub it all over yourself and it makes you feel wonderful. Like the skin of a baby! I love it. Next we went to go swim with the sharks, whooptee whoo (actually, yeah, whoopty whoo!) and then, finally, he took us to the most fabulous beach in the world. It was on one of the larger motus and looked upon the glorious peaks of the Bora Bora mountains. We paddled, bathed, and basked in the glorious Tahitian lagoons one last time. This was the life, this was “the” worth it for me. That half hour on that beach was all the time in the world. Again, something I will never, ever forget. A whole 7 months at sea culminating at one point. An entire season in Alaska to build up to this moment of rapture, of enlightenment. Was it everything I had hoped for? More…but of course, just a taste. At 3pm, we set sail, once more, one last time, for the shores of Oceania’s most formidable island, Australia.

And so my time aboard the Rhapsody was coming very quickly to an end. We still had 7 days at sea, which is a very long time, but not that long, baby. We lost a day when we crossed the international dateline, bizarre, but still. I had to do a handover. That means an inventory and an entire sweep of my gallery and program. I had two last auctions to run, and ended my contract with my most successful cruise to date, which is the best way to go out, WITH A BANG! And fuck Tarun, two of my best cruises were without him. What a derelict, as Mike would say. Go out on a positive note with the company. I sold a Rembrandt from 1785 called “Woman at a Door Hatch Talking to a Man and Children: The School Master.” Described as: “Rather dark, but quite good looking.” It was an unsettling piece, but I’m happy to have it as my last major contribution to the fine art collecting world. My client was a lovely Australian woman, and I was telling her about my plan for my holiday in Australia. “Stay away from King’s Cross,” she warned. Its trouble. But that’s exactly where I’m headed.

This is Coleman Vander Meer Balogh, International Fine Art Auctioneer of the RCI Rhapsody of the Seas, signing off.

From the Land of Flowing Ice to the Land of Frozen Fire

2009-10-13T03:28:00.000-07:00

When I look at it in the grandeur scheme of things, I’m going from one American extreme to the other. Our two bastard states, confined to the corner of our maps, disproportional to the “continental” states. Alaska to Hawaii, the opposites and antithesis. Our frozen north and the tropical isles. How exciting. I wondered when I’d ever visit these two places, I never imagined, not even in my wildest geographic nightmares, that I’d be visiting them directly after one another. Hold onto your butts.

But of course, first we must traverse the seas. Going from Vancouver to Hawaii takes five full days at sea. This is my longest stint without a port day, and it’s enjoyable in that it makes me feel like I live on a spaceship, but also very disorienting. For the cruise, we have these five sea days and then five port days, so I have to fit my entire program into these first days, leaving me plenty of time to enjoy the islands. That means first day is seminar day, then auction day, then seminar day, then two auction days. It keeps me busy for sure, but I do have a lot free time. Most of it goes to the gym, but the glorious remainder is spent on endless videogames. That third day, a seminar day, we spent 11 hours playing X box. It was awesome. We played Gears of War 2, a cross between World War 2 and Doom, and then of course I had purchased a copy of Silent Hill: Homecoming. This has proven to be a grand exercise in psychological management. It is much more difficult than the other games (the 6 before it) as the main character is a soldier returning home, who also must fight off more deadly inner demons that pack a much harder punch. Its geared more to an action game. I’ve never been so publicly horrified before. Fellow crew members would come by, watch a bit, and then have to leave with blood streamlining out of their eyes. Not true of course, but it freaked my shit. I enjoyed maybe a third of the game before it literally destroyed itself. The disc had to be thrown away because when I went to return to where I left off one day, it simply did not function. The disc had developed deeply set scratches that were not there before. Unplayable out of nowhere. The level I was on was called ‘Descent into Hell.’ Enough said. Perhaps it was not ready for me yet. I will have to wait then, for my own Homecoming, to return to that place of restless dreams, to the town of Silent Hill.

Traveling across the sea for days on end to finally wake up, and sea the beauty of Hawaii is a unique experience. I made up my own Hawaiian word to use as a password at my events with guests. Aloha hula lai! I got up early to witness our arrival in Maui. After so many days, granted 5 isn’t too long, but when you’re on a boat, its longer than it seems, and really 5 days IS a long time, to wake up to see volcanoes rising out of the dawn takes my breath away. It resets my ideals for the world, my hopes and dreams to explore the ends of the Earth. Tears come to my eyes with my sense of wonder renewed. I forget the exhilaration of experiencing new lands, of new adventures. And here before me, blessed in my life: Hawaii. A land awaiting discovery.

Lucky for me I have Jana. She has visited Hawaii multiple times over the years and her leadership was more than helpful. She has such a vibrancy and natural enthusiasm for life. We share many common traits, but also many attractive differences. I got to meet her parents a couple of times, they were wonderful of course, but her mom told her she understood why we were such good friends, because I’m so comfortable with who I am as a personality that its enchanting. I think I feel the same way about her. Everything is so fancy. Every day is a fancy day aboard the Rhapsody of the Seas, but its extra fancy with Jana. We host parties together, we eat luncheons and get stopped by guests, I introduce her shows and she stops in at mine. We’re like F-list celebrities together. Its all for show you know, pretend, but we have so much fun. And so I was excited to have her as a personal port and shopping guide on my Hawaii “vacation”. What fun.

And so my first impression of Hawaii is the port of Lahaina on the island of Maui. It was so bright and refreshing. The most picturesque view of what Hawaii should be. We were greeted by the warm music of the senior hula dancers, and the tropical sunshine. Palm trees and other vibrant greenery grow everywhere, island architecture, and of course HAWAII SHAVED ICE. I couldn’t stop thinking about how different from Alaska it feels. Would I be so happy to be in Happy Hawaii if I didn’t spend four and a half months in the Arctic? Who knows, but it just warms my soul to think about that moment. Arrival.

Jana and I signed up for a day excursion to a half sunken crater off the shore of the southern coast. We were going to snuba, a combination of snorkel and scuba. So the tour operators come and collect us and drive us down the coast to their harbor. I love driving around in new places. You get to see so much. All the little beaches, fruit stands, and local surfers. Like flipping through the pages of a pictoral. Impressions of a new land. After we set sail on our excursion catamaran they tell us that were not going to the crater as originally intended, but an alternate dive site. We were kind of disappointed as swimming in a volcanic crater sounds much cooler than just some beach, but either way it was amazing to be able to swim in the ocean again. It wakes up your body, and feels good to your soul. It cleans our skin and clears your head. I love swimming, and even more so with the ocean. Refresh. Also feeling the sunshine, the Maui sunshine. So we swam, drank some POG (Pineapple Orange Guava) and played in the sunshine. Heading back, we only had a little bit of time to clean up for our Luau. Quick shower, sign some papers, and set out on a tender for an unforgettable experience.

Luaus are fucking amazing. Its like THE party to go to. First of all they give you flower lais and then immediately put a drink in your hand. Yeah I want a Mai Tai. All inclusive? Give me two. Jana warned me about eating earlier because she said we would be drinking copius amounts of alcohol. She was right, and let me tell you, the Maui sunset goes down even better with a cocktail in your hand. How about a lava flow, yea, a long beach, yep, a planters punch, two. And then theres the whole tropical scenery. Palms everywhere, beautiful flowers, torches, islanders, its just so Hawaii. And then the food, served buffet, but still pretty good. They roast a whole pig; have ahi tuna salad, pork wrapped in lotus, island fish, and all sorts of other local delights, including poi. Now everyone says you are going to hate poi. I didn’t hate it but I don’t really like it. Poi originally is made from the taro root, and was originally the only staple starch of the Hawaiian people’s diet. They still eat it traditionally, but there really isn’t any point to it now with the advent of rice. Of course it doesn’t taste very good, but with the historical context behind it, you must appreciate. It does however have the flavor of glue. So it’s up to you. After dinner there were more drinks, a dance show with all the hulas, and then some more drinks. We were feeling great at this time, and since we had an OVERNIGHT, decided to go out to our next bar. That bar was lame so we bought some beers, and my buddy Jake who rented a mustang (and was DD), took us closer to the ship where there was another bar. That bar was ok, but still lame so we went to the beach to drink our beers. After that we drove across the island to another beach to drink some beers. Then we went to another beach further up to drink some beers. That beach was pitch black, but awesome and then we started along for our initial plan to go to the top of the volcano. It took a couple of hours as its over 10,000 feet but we finally made it super early in the morning, and since it was pitch balck out and freezing, we decided to have a nap in the car. It was my brilliant idea to put the beers outside the car to keep them cool. Sure enough, a couple of cops come buy to wake us up. It was really confusing and stressful. We just wanted to cool our beers off we said, what if a 15 year old gets them, I don’t know, why didn’t you just drink in the car, can we, YES, sorry, ok well drink in the car. Jeeeze. So the cops were awful, as always, and we went back to sleep

We wake up super early intendning to see the sunset rise over the mountain, open the doors to see the beautiful scenery, and find ourselves in awful, wet, gray, Purgatory. Its so freaking cold, damp, and cloudy, and there were like 500 people standing around, silently, too cold to move. Seriously, as much as I talk about Purgatory (and its a lot believe me) this is the closest I’ve ever come to experiencing it. So we travel back down to the ship. Stop and get some McDonalds (did you know the McDonalds in Hawaii are the only ones in the world to serve SPAM and coconut pie? Mmmm). The drive back to the ship was glorious and we listened to some local Hawaiian tunes with top down. That was a nice memory. Driving around in a car. I’d forgotten what that was like too. We laughed at some advert in the Maui Times. Warren and Anabelle’s Magic Show, voted best attraction in Maui by the AAA. The picture had a hand presenting to a crowd filled with the craziest laughing faces imaginable. All of them just like, “OMG this is the best magic show everrrrrrrr!!!!!” type of faces. Bordering on lunacy. I will never forget it. Most of them were like, “I’m afraid I will be shot in the kneecaps if I don’t laugh the hardest I ever have before” kind of a look on their face. If I don’t laugh like I’ve just heard the funniest joke in the world I will lose all that is beloved in my life. I’ll never forget it. How many are crazy at Warren and Annabelle’s Magic Show??? All of them. I helped Jake clean out the rental car, took a shuttle back, and then enjoyed another Hawaiian shaved ice before meeting up with Jana and Lara for the beach. Oh the beach…THE BEACH…I’d forgotten about how welcoming, how wonderful it can be. Just lounging in your skin, laying out and floating around. Oh dear beach, Alaska made me forget you too. We played a bit in the sun, watched the hotties go by, and then some. The waves came in and an obese woman couldn’t get out of the surf. She would try and try, but then a wave would come in and roll her out like a sack of dough. I eventually ran up to help her out and then another guy came to help me, but her husband had been laughing at her the whole time, which I thought was funny…cause he’s the one married to it. Anyway, we enjoyed a nice lunch on the beach, strolled through some stores, bought some tank tops, and then headed back to the ship. Overnight in Maui, CHECK. Onto the big island.

Most people assume that the capitol of Hawaii is on the big island which is not true. It’s on Oahu. Big Island is simply Hawaii Island. Here I signed up for the “Land of Frozen Fire” tour which I was really excited about. When I got off the boat, we were again greeted by Hula music. I wonder how often these people have to do this for our ships, and then I wonder how much they hate life, but that’s another story. I mean get a grip, you live in Hawaii. Anyways, so we had a couple of stops to make on this tour, the first being these lava tubes. So they split us all up to the 15 person vans, and I’m thinking they’re going to send us off in different directions, and we go to the tubes, and everyone shows up. Not all at once, but over the course of 20 minutes. Why didn’t they send us on opposite route at least to break up the crowd? I don’t know. I just don’t. So then I have to wait 30 minutes for all these people (most of whom are very much older, larger people) slowly go single file down into these tubes. Just waiting for the stairs to clear takes 15 minutes. I forget how awful this people herding becomes. I go off in a different direction (a different lava tube) than the tour simply to not have to wait around. By the time I come back their just starting to talk to us. So we travel up into the caves, its cool and all, but theres just so many people around, slowwwww, obesity. The lava tube caves are wicked (they look like the inside of the alien spaceship in Alien), don’t get me wrong, its just like, I wish I could have done this on my own. Next stop they take us to Lava Tree State Park where you can see what happens to trees when the get covered in lava. Theres a lava stump that looks like a giant penis. Awesome. Next they take us to a beach where the lava tubes came out and we eat a shitty box lunch for an hour. Fine. Then they take us closer to some other lava tubes where theres a balck sand beach. Neato. Then they skip out on the hot springs so they can take us to the Mona Lau macadamia nut factory. Alright, already. At this point I kind of feel stupid for doing this tour. Like I feel really lame. I could have gone off and done something rad. You know, if I found those lava tubes on my own I would have been ecstatic. But I didn’t. I signed up to visit them with obesity in tow. Kind of makes me feel lame. By the time I got back to the ship I was ready to take a nap. I’m not ungrateful, because I saw some awesome shit. Took lots of cool pics, but it makes me feel like a dork. And not the natural dork I celebrate being, but the en masse dork. The one that wears a Hawaii t-shirt, and takes pictures of the macadamia nut factory.

In the evenings we’ve been enjoying our new found back deck parties. In Alaska it was too cold to be outside, so we drank in the Skaal Bar. Now we drink on the back deck where we can enjoy the weather and the stars. Its so nice to enjoy the outside moonshine in Hawaii, and that moon goes down even better with a Pina Colada in hand. I was sharing some ABBA with some friends…Oh boy…and we came across a song called Happy Hawaii. Its everything I could have hoped for and more in an ABBA song about Hawaii. And it goes “Hey Hololulu, I’m headed for Happy Hawaii.” Theres some nice melodies in there too, with the waves crashing on the beach in the background. It makes me smile, and the best part, tomorrow Honolulu!

Honolulu was a nice, lazy day. The ship didn’t depart until 10pm that night, so I decided to close the gallery, you know, take the night off. A group of us decided to head out immediately to Waikiki. We had enough people that our taxi was upgraded to a limousine. What an awesome way to hit up the beach. And of course Waikiki Beach is amazing. Beautiful sand, beautiful people, beautiful water, and Shave Ice! Went swimming, did some surfing, got some fish tacos, drank some drink, shopped around a bit, and then headed back to the ship. It was about this time that I started to wonder why is it people will pay money to go to Alaska, when they could go to Hawaii instead. I understand that Alaska is beautiful, really I do, but, oh Hawaii. I know the USA aquired Hawaii for defense purposes, but you know they had to think about the fact that we were nabbing one of the world’s most fabulous island destinations. Our personal state of exotic bliss. Oh Hawaii!!! Why was I in Alaska when I could be here!? It makes no sense! In the evening we had a group of us planning to go out to a nice dinner so we go dolled up, drank some drink, and then headed back to the main Waikiki strip. At dinner I complained to the management that our meals arrived at the same time as our appetizers. That’s a huge no-no. I got some more fish because thats probably what you want to enjoy in Hawaii. They do have access to some of the best sea food around. So go with the flow. We went to another bar before heading back to the ship, and as it was a long day, I crashed earlier than normal only to enjoy another long day tomorrow. Another day, another island.

The next island was Kauai, or the garden island. For me this was the final full day of Coleman and Jana. Beyond Hawaii, there is no need for a port and shipping guide as the lands are too exotic. In other words, her company has yet to set up a shopping program that far away from you typical cruise destinations. Sort of the undeveloped lands. The beyond. So this would be our last day of adventure together. Jana rented a car, and since this was the island she visits her family with, she toured me around for the day. It certainly was the most lush of the places we had seen in Hawaii. Green valleys and mountains everywhere. Its where they film Lost and Jurassic Park. It is the unidentifiable tropical island. For me it was a pleasant surprise. It the island you hear the least about. There’s Big Island that you see on the map, Oahu that has Honolulu, the honeymoon island of Maui, and then Kauai… Jurassic Park island. Pretty cool. We drove along the coast for a bit, got some Starbucks, had some wheat grass shots, and then set out for the Pacific’s Grand Canyon. The island has a mini version of the Grand Canyon called Waimea Canyon, and if you were transported through time and space by, oh I don’t know, a phone booth, you would be troubled to tell the difference. Who would have expected? Next we stopped at an old Russian fort park that had no Russian fort, but was still a place to see, and then we went to the Poipu coast to have some lunch. We stopped at a nice Tiki garden, Jana hit some of the jewelry stores (of course) and I bought some sun screen. We then laid out on the beach for a couple hours. There was a small coral island I swan to, observed some sea life, and then we headed back towards the ship. Again the ever lingering of “I have to get back to the ship.” No matter where you go, or what you do, it always hangs over your head. And you can’t escape it less you lose your job...and your life. Oh well, I still get paid to go to Hawaii. So we took the route through the valley, under the tunnel of trees, and back to our port. Simply a memory of pictures, and absolutely beautiful.

Our next day took us back to Big Island, to the port of Kona on the opposite side which is westward facing the Pacific. A bunch of us were going to get off and go see some stuff, didn’t know what yet (right!?!?), and then go from there. Jana woke me up because she wanted to know what I was planning to do with the warning the Captain announced. What warning? The TSUNAMI!!! So there was an earth quake off the Samoan islands and already tsunamis had hit. They were expecting the waves to reach Hawaii in a couple of hours. Tenders were still taking people ashore but the evacuation would happen around 1pm to take people further inland. So what was I going to do? I told Jana I would rather be on land than on the ship. Even though its safer to be on the water than on land for a tsunami, Jana argued. Its true, but have you ever seen The Poseidon Adventure? That is the shit of my nightmares. I do not want to go through that. SO I called Jake and he was with me, we headed to land. By the time we got on land, ordered a Hawaiian sandwich, had some snow cones, and met up with some other peeps, the warning had been lifted. We struggled for a bit trying to rent a car, then hiring a cab to take us to a distant beach. They’d be closed he said, so we took a cab to a beach that wasn’t too far away. We got there and the lifeguards were pulling people out of the water, and closing the beaches just to be safe. So what should we do? They advised us to go to a beach that was a popular dive spot, and public beach with no restrictions. So thats where we went. The girls didn’t want to swim, so they went to get lunch at a nearby restaurant, and we enjoyed some snorkeling. Saw lots of fish, a few turtles, and for just the price of a cab it wasn’t bad for a nice tropical swim. Oh man, I love to swim. Afterwards we met up with the girls at the restaurant, and since it was right on the water and about Tsunami time, we ordered some beers and calamari and waited for some sort of show. For a while the waves seemed to be getting bigger, but we really couldn’t be sure, and then of course a few beers turned into some more, and nobody could tell so then our waitress offered to take us back to the port. I guess she wanted to finish her shift and we were the long overdue trouble table. So we all piled into her truck, I sat in the back and we went to the tender pier. We still had a couple of hours before all aboard so we bought some more beers, and sat at a small beach right off the port in a protected cove. It was right next to an unused luau site and some surfboards, so we just hung around until we had to go back. It was nice. I took some pictures of birds, and went out with Lara to pee in the water. As I’m urinating in the ocean I notice all these cigarette buttes floating past me. It takes me a second to realize that it was odd anything should be floating past me as the cove was completely still before. So we look out to the ocean and see a small wall of water flooding towards us. Strange. Oh wait! Oh SHIT! I said to Lara “oh shit, it’s the tsunami!” We yelled and scramble dout of the water drunkenly and people started to collect their stuff. The water came up the beach all the way towards where we had been sitting. Some other people took off, and there was commotion on the pier. An empty canoe got lifted off the beach and carried away towards the sea and then the waters started to recede. That was the scariest part, knowing the water had come in, and then it totally receded about 30 feet away from where it had been. You could see the current rushing out of the cove. We didn’t know where it would stop when it came back in, and that was honestly frightening. We grabbed all of our stuff and were prepared to run. Of course the waters didn’t come that much farther in that they had before, but it was that moment of anticipation. Who knew what could have happened? Jana thought I was being over dramatic, but even she was holding her bag pretty tightly, ready to book it. All in all, it was simply unusual tidal changes we were experiencing, but it was definitely the remnants of the tsunami. We all saw it. And the crazy part is that what we saw came from all across the globe in a matter of hours, traversing thousands of miles, it was the aftermath of something which claimed many lives. It was truly incredible. And then, in that moment, I realized I peed in it. I Peed in the Tsunami.

So that evening was the official end of cruise. I had one last big sale come through, which was great, and I closed late. I forgot to mention that Tarun was fired because he’s a derelict. Good riddance to sad babush. His Jesus tattoo was freaky. Anyways, the turnaround day was in Honolulu and then we had an overnight before sailing west to Tahiti. We spent a day at Waikiki again, surfing, sunning, snow cones, that sort of thing, and then I had to come back to the ship for Expo. Welcome aboard shenanigans. I then got dolled up for my last evening in Hawaii and my last evening with Jana. We got a taxi to take us back to Waikiki and after some walking around, found a nice resort’s in house restaurant that was right on the water. We could hear the waves lapping on the shore as we enjoyed some local hula music along with our signature cocktails, all the while the moon shone down at us outside of “The House without a Key.” What a name for a restaurant! It’s taken from the title of an old mystery novel written in Honolulu and takes place at that exact location, and it was the perfect place to enjoy our farewell dinner on our final Hawaiian evening. We waited a little bit too long for the food, but the night was perfect. I was sad to say goodbye to Jana, but not as sad as I had been before. I was so lucky to have her come back into my ship life. I felt like our friendship was granted an even grander sequel. Alaska and Hawaii with Royal as opposed to the Caribbean with Disney. Two very different stories. We called her a taxi so she could catch her flight and as she pulled away, we waved our final goodbyes, just like the time before. Only this time, our good bye was filled with satisfaction. I look forward to seeing Jana again.

After our elegant dinner with Jana, we let loose and did the whole partying thing. I ended up crashing at 6 in the morning at somebody’s house. I did not want to sleep on the ship. We ended up at all sorts of different bars doing shots, margaritas, and the works, chugging beers in the street that we bought at the convenience store, running into the police again, dancing the night away, POKER FACE, questionable decisions, fighting British people, dancing even more, and then falling into the arms of the strangers. It was fantastic recklessness. A piece of the real party life, where at the end of the day, I’m not being watched by a captain. The next day was lazy, walking around town, enjoying some coconut pie and coffee, spitting on crabs, one last swim at Waikiki and then the sad trek home, well home as in ship. I called everyone I knew back in the states, said goodbye, because from here on out, no more cell phone, only the South Pacific, only OCEANIA. If you get a chance, call my cell phone, I am especially fond of my voicemail message.

And once more to land,
before heading down,
because the next place I’ll see,
the island of Tahiti.

The Land of Enchantment

2009-09-17T15:47:00.000-07:00

Finally Alaska has come to an end, and the effervescent, distant horizon looms towards. I'm almost late for my ship, so I don't have many pics to post here. I'm sorry. If you want to see what has happened check out my pics on facebook. I also apologize for grammatical erros.

And whats in the story of your life? For me, the Rhapsody has become a very routine life for the wanderer. And so when you ask me to tell its story, its still a story of work, the sea, isolation and of course the expansive mountains that loom over all of our horizons. As beautiful as the land is here, it is intensely intimidating. Most of the time we are the only sign of humanity in this place, and like an intruder in an ancient tomb, I feel the anxiety of breaking Alaska’s tranquility. I have enjoyed my summer here, but am anticipating a change of itinerary.

Someone told me to update this thing, and so I am here again. I’ve been feeling strange about it, not exactly angry, but sort of frustrated. Like you’re angry at yourself after being lost in the woods for a while, or gotten your car sucked in the sand. Work has been a mixed bag. I have my head well above the water, which is better than most of the others can say.

Everyone said I wouldn't last, no one knew who I really was...

My free time has been spent reading, exercising, watching films and of course revisiting Fischer and Sons. It is time spent in isolation with an occasional bout of loneliness. That is the life of the wanderer, my friends and I enjoy it for the most part. There are usually two reliable party nights on the ship, but with this captain, now we have to be careful. This ship has lost the most crew than any other in the fleet. Port days will sometimes feel banal. There’s only so many times you can walk around Juneau before you’ve done it all before. This world of mine is definitely screaming for a change. Even having my parents and Monica come visit was a welcome change of pace, but still just a variation of the same recipe. It was nice to share my world with them, and I know they enjoyed it, because as ridiculous as I sometimes feel, I enjoy it too. So, here is where I share some of those variations, occasional thoughts, and of course…the insufferable vapours.

Like they always say: “birds of a feather flock to Heather.”

I was taking a load of laundry down to the Tween Deck, which is of course the deck between 1 and 0, on the night before turnaround. One of my friends from youth staff asked me causally what was going on. “Oh, just incinerating small children.”

“Oh yeah? Why’d you wait until the last night of the cruise?”

I thought that was funny.

One day I was enjoying a lunch from my favorite fishstand in Victoria, Red Fish Blue Fish. They cook only ocean friendly, wild caught sea food. It is the cleanest sea food I’ve ever had, and I will always remember it fondly. I was with Jana and my superior officer, Julie, We were chatting about the weather, how nice it was and looking up to some menacing clouds in the distance I asked Julie, “Those clouds, are they coming or going?”

“Looks like they’re just passing by.”

I thought that was a lovely way to put it.

To tell you about Victoria. I really didn’t think much about it my first time there. It was rainy and cold so I just walked around the port, got some strange Canadian food (awful Nanaimo bars) at the nearest café and got right back on the ship. It turns out to be an OK place to walk around. It’s the capitol of British Columbia and sits at the far south end of Vancouver Island. You can almost see Seattle from the shore. But most importantly it reminds me of the real world, not the fake life at sea. Its an actual town with a mall, and business centers, and not just a tourist destination. I have my favorite little seafood stand, and theres some nice shopping, and lots of room to just walk around. Its still Canada, but it has a very British feel to it. Very colorful place with shaggy Canadians walking around in their silly hats. Jana likes to take me to Lulu Lemon and I like to get t-shirts custom made with flying saucers and “the land of enchantment” printed on them. That store is called Utopia. They also have putein, which I have never tried, because it is French fries, cheese, and beef gravy. Theres also the Butchart Gardens as well as a vineyard where you get a free bottle if you can choose 3 out of their 4 wines at the taster (the correct answers were Pinot Noir, Cabernet, and Gehurtztraminer so I chose the Sauvignon Blanc as my prize, because honestly if you cant tell a Gehurtztraminer when you taste it you shouldn’t be drinking wine at all). There’s also an old Victorian castle that sits at the top of the hill, historically, and it reminds me of the house of evil For me, Victoria puts the international in International Fine Art Auctioneer. And that is my life.

We had a very special VIP cruise that came on the Rhapsody. I didn’t have a whole lot to do with it, I sort of stepped aside, but I was invited to watch, and learn, which I did. They had the head gallery director aboard, along with some other company reps with a VIP auctioneer and a couple of artists. The clients themselves were unassuming. A judge with long fingernails, a psychoanalyst, some older couples, some dudes, a family from here. People you wouldn’t expect to be buying tons of art. But they do. I had a mildly successful week, but it was nice to see how other people do it. Seeing how the big boys roll, and to be honest, it wasn’t that alien to me. I don’t see why I can’t handle that myself. The art they brought was AMAZING. Unique Dali’s, lifetime Rembrandts, Picasso experiments, stuff you don’t see even in a museum. To think people have the opportunity to collect this stuff is incredible. It solidified my faith in what I do for a living. I have no problem being in art. In fact, I’m pretty sure I want to be in art, someway or another, for the rest of my life. Whether painting, ceramics, film, or food. This is a new part of being for me.

For some reason, it reminds me of when I worked at Ko Fusion. I always felt so fancy working there, and I took it as a great pleasure. I did enjoy my time there, I learned aot, but I liked the role I played. I like the finer things, I understand them, but most importantly I celebrate them. I enjoy what I work with. Isn’t that good enough? But then there was that time, and I’ll never forget it, of the crazy woman who screamed at her expired meter. She had just gotten a ticket, she had long, blond dirty hair, and was pulling on a young black boy. She ran up to the meter maid to collect the ticket, and look perplexed, then screamed suddenly ‘TEN DOLLARS!?!?! WHUUUUYYYYYYY?!?! WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?! WAHHHH UgHHHAAAAAAAAA!!!” She just kept screaming. Wailing. The police guy just kind of walked away confused and the child started crying. She got in her car, and I’ll never forget the image of her car pulling away, turning through the parking lot very quickly with her still wailing uncontrollably with the child in the back crying. Its transfixed in my mind forever. And I don’t know what it means.

I almost lost my ship. They were going to transfer me with one days notice. Incredible. This has been the most challenging season to date, anyone can tell you that, and of course Alaska has been the most challenging territory as well. If I have my head above the water, I’m doing better than most. I like to think my head is well above the water. I used to play water polo after all. Anyway, they did a whole fleetwide movement. 7 ships. I was able to hold onto the Rhapsody because my family was coming and Monica. I like to think it was little bit more than that as well. I like to think I do a very decent job. I represent well. As a work ethic, I always get along with my fellow co workers. On the ship, I am part of the crew. Its who I connect with. And as part of the crew I like to pretend I live on a spaceship. This is important to me. Ince that time though, I’ve been so stressed. That call could come any day, Coleman, go back to the Caribbean. That wouldn’t even be so bad, its just that I’m looking forward to Australia. Now, however, no matter what, I am leaving Alaska. The season is over and I head out somewhere new, no matter where, no matter what. For me, this is reinvigorating. A new future, a new world to see. What could be more exciting?

And So I had Mom, Dad, and Monica come cruise with me. What a surreal experience. This life at sea has been such a separate, personal experience. It was very exciting to be able to share that with the people you care about, but it also felt sort of exposing. This whole experience was a secret. Only the things I talk about are what anyone knows. Now my parents have seen firsthand, what my day to day is like. Monica knows what I do for fun, curling up with room service, drinking at the bar, wandering the halls, checking out the sights, avoiding the captain, meeting my fellow crew, Jana, Julie, and my auctionsns! I’m glad that they have this picture though. They got one week of seeing what it is I actually do. It’s a busier life that you’d think. I’m glad that they can tell people now, from what they’ve seen of me. They have a story to tell of life on the ships. And maybe people will realize there is no need for worry. I have it under control. I’ve got a grip.

Some fun things I saw with Mom and Dad:

auction

the windiest cruise we’ve had with a cancelled Skagway

Bubble feeding whales= amazing

Auction and the misty fjords of Hubbard glacier

Ketchikan and the slowest restaurant ever

Alexandrite

Salmon spawn

Auction

The spooky castle in Victoria

Some fun things I saw with Monica:

Return to ships!

Monica falling constantly on the hike with Jacob and Rebecca

Under the Glacier

Blacking out with food all over us

Room service

Hot people in Victoria

Becoming the Sailor for the In the Navy and YMCA in the cruise’s 70’s party

Crab pull

Salmon spawn

No man’s land train ride

Poker face

Check out my face book pics as I don’t have time to post them here, just yet.

And then there are the other bits that fall between. Cliff jumping in the Alaskan mountains one warm July day, going swimming with a champagne picnic, my special spot on the lower lake, wine and dine, meeting clients and entertaining them all week only to have a new batch every Friday, like Groundhog Day, pretending to lunch missiles every time I do a ship board announcement, staring into the ocean every day, being lost in the fog, hot tubbing in Alaska, salmon spawning, dog sledding, glacier hiking, mountains looming, clouds billowing, snow melting, room service, gym, crew parties, being paid to dance while women scream at me, saying goodbye to the Mendenhall one last time with wolf hats, enjoying the fresh caught King Crab from Nome at Tracy’s Crab Shack (my favorite crab place in the whole world), glacial caves that glow from the inside out, and of course the ABBA. I will miss my memories of Alaska, but I look forward to the new ones to make. I’m so excited to move on.

I had found a nice record store in Seattle next to the Fed Ex where I mail my papers every week. My official business papers as it were, and by now Jude knows me by name. So at the record store I met a nice lady, were very similar in tastes. Although she like Star Trek and I’m more Doctor Who, we both love ABBA. She got me turned on to their re mastered albums, the original albums. What a treat to behold. To think these were created so long ago, and even the couple of stinkers on the album are at least bearable, but the rest are simply amazing. My favorite, Voulez Vouz. I have it on vinyl and it brings home fond memories of Wisconsin, but hearing it again, all at once is almost too much to bear. A flood of memories to say the least. How exciting is it that Bjorn Again, the popular Australian ABBA cover band will be joining our ship, my life come Sydney morning. I await destiny in the land down under. First Hawaii, then Tahiti, and finally Australia...with a bit of Papua New Guinea and New Zealand peppered between. Who would have thought of a life like this?

“Can you hear the drums, Fernando? I remember long ago another starry night like this…They were closer now, Fernando. Every hour, every minute seemed to last eternally…There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, Fernando.

Though we never thought that we could lose, there’s no regret. If I had to do the same again, I would, my friend, Fernando. If I had to do the same again, I would, my friend, Fernando.”

"Me and her Ring"

2009-07-24T12:47:00.001-07:00

And so goes the Alaskan summer. Now in July the weather is as warm as it will ever be. Who would have thought? 80 degrees in the Alaskan wilderness. I rented a bicycle and went up the mountain road to the Canadian border. It was uphill, but worth the ride back. It was just the sort of lonely experience to refresh my soul. Just me and the mountains and trees, water and ice. In my journey I find a constantly renewed sense of insignificance. It doesn’t make me feel good necessarily, but it calms me in ways. I know, no matter what, there is the larger world. A world, outside of what we see now, that could take you away in an instant. Imagine the perfect summer, and then imagine the verso, the treacherous winter. Without the dark cold, you wouldn’t appreciate that sunny day. Without the fog, there is no mystery, or the anticipation for the clear sky. Alaska is a land of deadly beauty. I get to experience the pinnacle of its goodness, yet I must remind myself that this beautiful scenery, in such a short time, will turn to the land of misery. And the seasons change. My time up North is running out. Already the ship is preparing for the Pacific crossing. 60 days…then off to Hawaii, Tahiti, and the land down under. I wonder what we might find there.

I dream of owning a sailboat someday, to go back and cruise the Caribbean on my own time. I was looking at some old pictures from the Magic, and remembering what a different paradise it is. It’s almost perfect…beautiful islands in the stream. I would like to take my sailboat there with someone, and I’ll name it “Me and Her Ring.” Boats are female after all. I thought of that name in Wisconsin on the lake with the loons.

Business has been usual, up and down. I’m pretty sure I’m pretty good at my job? Yeah. I’m brand new compared to the others. We had a couple of rough weeks, and rough seas. Waves kill the crowd, that’s for damn sure. We had the roughest sea day of my ship life, and there was practically no one around. Only the lucky few of us are immune to the sea sickness. I guess there were earthquakes underneath the sea, but that was just a rumour. Anyways, I don’t get it. Yeah, the ships moving, but why must everyone vomit? Seriously? It’s a boat. Just stop vomiting…why wont they stop vomiting…VOMIT. Just do what I do, as in don’t be sick. It’s like a virus that is transmitted through the rocking of the boat, and some of us are just programmed genetically to not catch it. One person, moving with the motion, smiling, “how you doing today?” “Oh, a bit rocky isn’t it?” “Sure.” The next person…is in a coma. Anyways, that day was not a successful auction day.

I got a call at 4 in the morning before one auction, my 2 employees were being breathalyzed after having a fight in the hallway. They both blew over the limit. I had to go down to medical to tell them that they’re idiots and that they’re probably going to be fired. We had a master’s hearing with the captain and the ship’s top officers to plead a case. Despite the zero tolerance policy on both alchohol and violence, I managed to keep both of them alive. My company had never heard of such a thing, they even bought them tickets back to India. I was thinking my reasoning was pretty sound, and maybe I might even make a pretty good lawyer. Afterwards, people around the ship were telling me they’ve never seen anything like that before, what did I say? Well, its simple logic. J Here on out, though, I make my guys call me Mr. Boss Man. Dum Dums…but I love em.

So that’s the business part of my life, which is more substantial than people probably realize. Lots of business, but its spaced out in a way that doesn’t make me want to embrace the icy waters for all eternity. Not like it was working back in Chicago…not like Medix. I do miss home sometimes. I think about Dodo, and having late nights in the city with friends. Summer night city… something I think about, what everyone’s doing tonight. They tell us that it comes in waves, and they actually have a chart to show you. You miss home for couple weeks, then you don’t, and then it comes back, and then I just don’t know. It’s nice to think about people there at home, and I look forward to my holiday with them again. But, on the other hand, I know they are still there, and more than anything I yearn to be free, to see the world, to see the ends of the Earth. I have no doubts come September, after crossing the Pacific Ocean by sea, I might find something worthwhile. It takes one full month to sail the Pacific. I’ve always thought it was a lovely idea to cross the ocean by way of ship, and I think that it might be one of those times you never forget. I think of the song “Southern Cross” and I have Bora Bora set on the horizon. Then, only then, will I return home again.

I have been reading again, which is nice. I finished a book about the zombie war and so I have started reading The Sea Wolf by Jack London. I just love it. It starts on a ship in the mists of San Francisco harbor on a ship from Victoria (coincidence). “And romantic it certainly it was-the fog, like the grey shadow of infinite mystery, brooding over the whirling speck of earth; and men, mere motes of light and sparkle, cursed with an insane relish for work, riding their steeds of wood and steal through the heart of the mystery, groping their way through the Unseen, and clamoring and clanging in confident speech the while their hearts are heavy with incertitude and fear.” I guess this sums up how I feel at sea sometimes, and certainly in that fog. Oh, the classic themes of the mariner. Its something I will always relate to my person, and I look forward to finishing the story.

Adventures in Alaska have been stellar. Still doing some good hiking, but I’ve also been dog sledding, which I’ll get to. A group of handsome young crew men and I decided to go on a hike to the Mendenhall Glacier. What we found there, was another world. The helicopter glacier experience was great, but the Mendenhall glacier trumps it totally. Finding your own way across that expanse of ice is an experience like no other, alien to anywhere I’ve ever been. We discovered ice caves going into the glacier, frozen walls glowing crystal blue from the filtered sun. Caves that glow blue from the inside out…one of the most amazing things I could have ever imagined. Glacier blue is my new favorite color. It’s the same color as skylite snow cones in Maryland. Skylite is not a berry flavor, rather it’s the flavor of the sky…or the Mendenhall glacier. I couldn’t help but imagine myself, Dodo and the doctor landing on that icy world only to find these primordial elements…no life…simply ice, rock, and wind…maybe fit for life one day, but we’ll just have to come back then to find it, until then we must enjoy the beauty of the natural world…what the fates have carved in the ice. Watch your step.

Phil, the sports supervisor, who went with me to the glacier, also went with me on a dog sledding excursion, or rather a dog cart pulling excursion. Either way, it was interesting...in a non engaging way. I learned a lot about the Iditarod (whoa) and got to see puppies. And it was in a lovely forest camp, but the highlight of the experience came when one of the younger dog sledders was telling us about growing up with Sarah Palin’s son, and how he’s more of just an average kid than you would expect. Like any average kid with “a bit of dip under his lip and a cigarette in his pocket”. Really? Like any average kid? Where did this average kid grow up? Oh yes…Alaska.

And finally…a trick of destiny. The Art Auctioneer usually has a verso, the Port and Shopping guide. I work sea days, she works port days. She sells diamonds and I sell fine art. We’re usually pretty similar, and oh so different. I signed on my ship the same day as the Rhapsody’s Port and Shopping guide. For whatever reason, it wasn’t a good fit. Business did not click. We had a celebratory dinner to bid her farewell, which was a bittersweet occasion. Sometimes the Art Auctionner does not mesh well with Port and Shoping, but I always make a point of doing so (Case in point: Jana from the Disney Magic). When I solemnly asked who was replacing this guide, she told me some girl named Jana, and I couldn’t help but scream at her. My long lost friend Jana, who was let go by a silly standard of Mickey (I wrote about it long ago in my blog), was being returned to me. Out of all the ships we might be placed upon, we chanced to meet again…the dynamic duo…Jana and Coleman. Port and Shopping guide & Fine Art Auctioneer. It makes me so happy to have my friend back again, and I thank the fates as they’d have it. Jana and I will always be business colleagues who will remember way back when in our ship days…those days...at sea…how they changed us so.

VIP “crusie” this week, I’m nervous.

The Day that went to Midnight

2009-06-15T18:06:00.000-07:00

If we don’t submit as prisoners of destiny, then we fall as victims of fate.

“Tell us what you found on the mountain, Alice. Tell us what you saw.”

She squeezes her face and looks down into her hands. Her hair is still caked with earth and what else might be. Shaking her head, “I..I can’t. I can’t…remember.”

“It’s alright now,” he assures her. “We have you here, safe. Go on then, tell us what you saw, Alice. Tell us what you found in the sky.”

“I’d fallen... in the mud. I was so confused. Dirty…wet…and cold. See, there’s still snow up there, even though it was so hot, the snow was melting, but still cold. I’d gone too far up, and lost my way. But then there was the green. Everything was green, and bright, like emeralds. All the trees were the same. An emerald forest.

I tried to get down, though, I really did! I thought I’d make my way down, away from that peak…but I only seemed to go around it, each time I started downwards, I’d being going up again, and then it would be there, in the sky. The clouds creeping over the mountain, like they were coming for me. And I knew they were. Finally, I’d come to the lake up there. By that time I was out of the woods, it was beautiful but I was scared. My feet too. I just…I only wanted to go home. I was thirsty and so I had some to drink. The water was too cold, so I thought it best not to have too much. I wanted to get warm. And then when I stood up, he was there. The wanderer.”

“What was his name?”

“He didn’t have one.”

“You mean he wouldn’t tell you?”

“He didn’t have one….”

“…How did you get down the mountain?”

“He said I’d already gone too far…that it wouldn’t let me go… unless I went up there, but that I shouldn’t do that either. It was the only way though. At the top…and I knew he was right. That I should let the mountain have me. To die where I was would have been better than that. But I didn’t. There was not time…ever…never before or ever again…I could feel it frozen in that place…and if I didn’t go up there, I would become just another stone. And so I climbed… up…through the clouds…no more trees, or water…only sky and the stone…and finally I was there looking down, and you could see it…a window…and through it…everything…I knew that through the window I could see everything…a window into another world, one beyond our own. My eyes began to cry and I could feel my face…sort of shake…I stepped closer to see through…to look closer, and there it was. The Devil’s Punchbowl.”

“How did you get down, Alice, to where we found you?”

“I didn’t. Alice is still there, even now, looking through a window…Looking into the Devil’s Punchbowl…a basin of dreams…of nightmares…everything.”

That was my hike to the top of the mountain. My sort of birthday gift to myself, as it were. It took 5 hours, and I’m a quarter century old, so there.

And now, I want to circle back to dancing to Lady Ga Ga. Now, yes, Poker Face is the best dance

song, but I want to declare, officially, how awesome it is, and how often we have kick ass parties on these boats. Put together people from all over the world, usually in their 20s, who work 10-12 hour shifts. Then, out of the number of DJs we have in the crew already, we select one to highlight, per evening, on the back crew deck party zone, and then we get drinks for 2 dollars. By 5am our shirts are off and we’re screaming hell across the ocean. We have some really good

times partying, and there’s no other way to describe it. It really gets out some relief after a long day of work. Now I don’t party like I used to in the college days, and man did we have some great parties then, but literally I feel like a rock star. It used to be every day was a party in college, and we had some real good times…oh the memories…but here it’s pretty much the night before your port days. Little concentrated moments of time where we get to kick back and be ourselves for a while. Sea days are real long, and if the next day is a port day, we have a party.

And we dance, and celebrate, and get goofy, and sexy, and loud, and just love the life. Lots of international music, but lots of influence from a diverse crew already. We all add songs to the mix as it were. And I…am a Lady Ga Ga boy. Put on the Poker Face.

I haven’t posted in a while, but it feels good for me to have these new stories to tell. Built up experiences that are waiting to come forth. I write a little every day, but if I posted, I’d just fill it in with useless banter, and who’s to say I don’t do that now, but at least I feel like I have some stuff to talk about. I am real busy with work, which I don’t mind because I like what I do. And

thats real important too, but the other things, oh the other things…that’s what makes this worthwhile.

In my stateroom, which makes me so compartmentally happy, I put up a tiny set of wind chimes attached to a dream catcher with some feathers. I have a mini fan which catches the feathers every so slightly. Now, it might drive some people crazy, but for me it gives great pleasure. Every so often I hear a nice little chime, and if the boat is rocking, I hear it more often. It reminds me of Alien too, they had wind chimes in their space ship…and while I’m in my cabin, and if the ship is moving…I wonder if I’m not sailing across the stars as well.

Helicopter Glacier Adventure!! Holy SHIT! Guys, pay the money, go on a helicopter glacier adventure. It will change your life. Seriously…Do I need to say anything else about it? Just look at it….LOOK AT IT!

Ask me Again its gonna get you Again!

June is “Make A Wish” month, and so for every cruise I host the “Make a Wish” charity auction before the main stage shows. This is fun for me because I get to wear a tuxedo…AND be extra extra fancy. We auction off stuff like champagne and strawberries in bed with a brunch of

roses…a tour of the bridge with the captain…a tour of the engine room…a spa day followed by ice cream. But this literally is for thousands of people and for thousands of dollars. So I kind of like the attention. It feels nice…It feels like I’m kinda doing something with my life sometimes… Also I like to talk. My job is to talk a lot. I kind of heckle and yell at the crowd to bid more because its for charity…like put your hand in the air because if you don’t you’re going to make someone’s wish NOT come true.

I also host the embarkation Expo for the cruise once everyone gets aboard. Its real cheesy, but there I am, thousands of awestruck faces looking around, and I get to sound like a ring announcer for the WWF. “Ladies anddddd GentleMen!!! Welcome aboard the beautiful Rhapsody of the Seas!!!! If you’re just joining us, you’re in the right spot, because this is our Rhapsody Expo! We have represenativies from all the different areas of the ship that are here to help You have a wonderful vacation in majestic Alaska. Meet our ladies from the Day Spa and ask about all the wonderful ammentities and treatments

available to help you relax and look your brightest for formal night. Gentlemen! Meet our resident tailor who will suit you up in one of our finest tuxedos, and why not surprise your lovely lady with a beautiful bouquet of roses. And who is looking to cruise with lady luck this week? Then meet your dealers from Casino Royale…all here at our Expo, aboard the RHAPSODY OF THE SEASSSSSSS!”

Did I mention I changed my nametag to Coleman Vander Meer? I figured that sounded more like an international art auctioneer.

As a treat for my Birthday I took the art team on a whale watching tour. Now, they always say that

you are not guaranteed to see whales, so prepare yourself. Again…Holy Shit! I’ve never seen so much whale in my life! I lost count! It was like whales whales whales BLOW HOLES! We saw so many whales people were falling asleep! Now these whales you see in Alaska are typically humpback, while Orcas are rarely seen. We saw an entire pod of Orcas! Its amazing. You only see their backs, and sometimes the tails, but shit, I guess this whale stuff is like really kind of

cool. The other great part? You’re on a boat ride…in Alaska…and they sell salmon jerky and homemade doughnuts. Sounds like a great day to me! Throw some whales in there and you got a real memory! Thing is, with humpbacks you are supposed to keep a safe distance of 100 metres, and usually the captain keeps even further. However, you know when the whale is diving down deep when you see its tail, right? Tail in the air, face down towards the bottom. So you don’t know when or where their going to pop up. We had one whale that nearly hit us. Everyone was surprised when it popped up right next to us. And then whenever anyone spots a new whale EVERYONE SCREAMS! Its hilarious. I was like, I don’t get what the big deal is HOLY SHIT A WHALE! And then you can get tricky when you’re like, theres a whale! No that’s a bird. Or, there’s a whale…and a bear….and an eagle… clutching a salmon in its talons… next to Sarah Palin…shooting a moose…on top of a Glacier….innnNNNN….Alaska.

Alaska is beautiful…a beautiful Abba Land…Mountains everywhere…snow caps…adventure…what a sight to behold.

There’s not a whole lot else that’s new on the ship. I have the layout pretty much set with all the secret passages and stuff planned out in my head. All those cubby holes and hideaways. I have manager meetings with the revenue team which is exciting. I’m only 25 and some of these managers are in their 40s. I feel like a business executive sometimes. But there’s a lot of bullshit I have to put together as a manager. All these safety meetings I have to report on, mail outs I have to implement, hosting VIP parties…well those are actually kind of fun. Customs declaration is a nightmare! All these forms I have to fill out! And the coding! Ahhh…who’d think managing cargo could be such a headache!? They should have a product that targets headaches specifically from customs declaration. And I’ll star in its commercial. A spokesman! Luckily, I also got a new assistant, Tarun. He’s 29 and helps me to sell the art. Hes also kind of like my spiritual guru…but I’m also his boss… so I have to talk to him about when its appropriate to have a cigarette break and why its essential for my marketing program that he greets clients in the

gallery during peak hours. That kind of thing. Either way we make a good art team. I have a steward as well named Roger, real nice guy. The H and R manager always calls him George by mistake, so saying “I’ll tell George to do it” has become the new code for I will delegate this task to someone else. I’ll let George know about that little piece of bullshit you need me to take care of. No Problem.

I’m getting quite the reputation around the ship. Everyone whos new has “heard” about me. Well, what’s that supposed to mean? Oh, the art auctioneer…. He’s American… Look if you want my life, you need to be able to handle it. Think you can do what I can do? I’ll refer you to my company, personally, and you can try. Maybe it’s because on the job I get a kick out of pretending to be so professional, so professional that I get all the good comments in our ship’s comment log, yet I’m very stern and composed behind the scenes. Maybe because I get to look great in a suit, only one of the few. Maybe because theres only one person who has my job…ME. Who is THAT man? Oh, that’s Coleman Vander Meer…the Art Auctioneer. My life feels like a play sometimes, an unreality…but when it comes to the crew bar, it aint a party till Coleman arrives.

The weather has been unseasonably beautiful. Clear skies and sunshine. Oh these Alaskan summers. The sun doesn’t set till 10:30pm which is disorienting, but beautiful. I can’t wait till the midnight sunsets. I never thought I’d see the day…that went to midnight.

Looking back at where we’ve come, all the adventures, and those circles we find in life sometimes. I called home the other day and my Mom was telling me about my Grandpa going up to Wisconsin with the Agema boys (cousins). They were out fishing when a boat came up to them with a family who asked if they knew Cole Balogh. Turns out it was a family I had met while hiking in St. John. I wrote about it in my manventures at the time, but we were on the Disney Magic and on a hike. We got to talking and find I’m from Chicago, and they’re from Minnesota. I have a house in Spooner, WI, and they have one outside of Spooner, Have I heard of A and H corner? Yeah, they’re on a little lake, out of the Thousands that are up there, called Middle McKenzie. I’m on Middle McKenzie. And what a funny world that is. So it turns out they meet my family in WI and ask about me. They said they met me in the Caribbean and they thought I was nice so they came over to ask if anyone knew me, which I suppose my family does. For me, hearing this story, it brought a tear to my eye. I could see my Grandpa, up there in my favorite place in the whole world with my cousins, meeting a group of strangers out on the water who had run across my path a time ago, on the other side of the Earth. It really is a funny world sometimes, very large, unpredictable, yet touching. What a home we have.

Later that night I went back to look at those pictures. I found something else that made me laugh to myself. That day when the Disney Magic was docked in St. John, right next to it, was the Mariner of the Seas.

Where now brown cow?

Crazy Life/ How I was Turned Into a Machine and Transported Through Time to Kill Alaska

2009-05-26T00:10:00.000-07:00

Crazy Life

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How I Was Turned Into a Machine and Transported Through Time to Kill Alaska

I always knew my time on the Mariner was temporary. Ship life, as a law, is always transient, but I knew it would be only a short time before my real home would rise above the horizon. And onto Alaska! The Great North! The last American frontier. Mexico was great, don’t get me wrong, but I saw a great T shirt which sums up this place for me. It was a map of Alaska with the much smaller state of Texas settled in the middle of our country’s largest state. “Isn’t Texas cute?” it asked. I don’t know that answer, but Alaska is humongous.

Since the swine flu hit our globe, our entire planet has been in uproar (possibly overreacting), but it has changed my destiny forever. No more Mexico for me, but continuing onwards to the Great North. San Francisco was amazing. Not only because it’s a cool city but I never expected to go there, ON A SHIP, in a million years. These are the surprises that make life worth living. I had two stops there before leaving the Mariner, and they were wonderful tasters of another life waiting to be lived. In one month I have sailed from the Mexican coast, up California, to Washington, through the Channel Islands, and onwards up to the Alaska Peninsula. That’s pretty much THE west coast of North America. San Francisco, as a city, has a different feel than any other place I’ve been to. Every place should have that feeling, of course, but San Francisco is indeed a special city. Beautiful…and haunting. Our ship got to pass under the Golden Gate Bridge, which was one of those things you remember for the rest of your life. We cleared the trellises by only a couple dozen meters. And then the fog…that white void… absolutely astounding. Everyone notes San Fran for its fog, and I just love it. I’ve only ever seen fog like that in one other place…in the town of Silent Hill. Its truly a haunting landscape to behold out of the unknown. I rode the trolley, explored China town, saw an Asian cat riding an invisible bicycle (Lauren McBee would love that one!), saw the rat riding the cat riding the dog taking a leak, saw all the gays, shopped the shop and walked the walk. It’s not too big, but not too small, a place of peace and one for them all. A town to remember, San Francisco!!! Who goes to fucking San Francisco on a cruise ship? We were on the news as the largest passenger vessel ever to be docked in port there. They misquoted us as one from the Carnival line on the radio, which is really an insult. Royal Caribbean is worlds better. Some great seafood on the wharfs too (real crabmeat!), and then the screaming sea lions! Literally, they just howl at you, screaming incessantly. And then for me, what for me was an unexpected blessing, a surprise, becomes only a fine memory, a point in my travels, as I continue further North to destiny.

San Francisco is really the highlight of that weird alternative flu cruise. Victoria was rainy and cold as hell, and Seattle will be my home port for a while (plus I was mostly concerned with catching my bus to Vancouver to meet the Rhapsody, my new “home”). Saw the Space Needle (once was enough) and ate McDonald’s for the first time in years. Strange how things pass by you like that. Heading North to Vancouver, the weather gets weirder and weirder. Its this strange, kinda ok chilly warm. Vancouver is actually a nice place to visit. Insane cheap sushi every couple of feet, but most importantly I got a night off for the first time in months. I got to spend time doing whatever I wanted the whole evening! It’s a strange sensation for me. I got some dinner, walked like 20 blocks, bought some movies and a book and nuts, and then went dancing at a club. Did everyone know that Lady Gaga’s Poker Face is pretty much the best dance song out today? Totally awesome, in case you were wondering. Did you know that nude dancers taking showers in public is no big deal in Canada? It’s OK to be alone sometimes, as the stranger, and go dancing sometimes. If anyone asks you what your deal is, just say you have one night in town, tomorrow you join a cruise ship as an art auctioneer, and you wont be back for the entire summer seasons because you’ll be working Alaska. Hell, it could be the truth, but who cares about Vancouver people. This is a strange Persona I’ve acquired.

And so these new unexpected places have finally given way to my new ship, the Rhapsody of the Seas. Is much smaller than the Mariner, but did you know rhapsody means an exalted state of ecstasy? That sounds pretty ok to me. In fact, I don’t think I would have a problem feeling like that for an entire summer. And I have the feeling that’s what Alaska will provide me with, an exalted state of ecstasy of the seas. Have you been to many Fjords lately??? In the Centrum of the ship is a 40 foot floating sculpture that basically looks like the center of the universe being created. Huge spiraling planks enfolded a cradled sphere of life force. It’s actually incredible, and I get to enjoy it every day from my gallery. I’m looking at it right NOW as a matter of fact…I love it. Also, the elevator buttons don’t need to be pushed, you only have to touch the surface area of the button. I, then, make a point to graze the buttons in strange ways in front of other crew, as softly as possible, sort of like E.T. These are the things I enjoy on a day to day basis. People tell me that the excitement and adventure of ship life will ware off quickly, but they have no idea who I really am. Neither do I. Sometimes…I…well I wonder if I might not be human at all…

Alaska is one of those places to always arouse your curiosity, but never actually goes into full consideration until BOOM, it happens! ALASKA! I’ve just been slapped with the state of Alaska. It’s more than everything you have ever known, a refreshing wake up call to the Earth. There isn’t anything there except for mountains, snow scenes, and glassy waters. It feels like another world. One of the largest ends of the Earth there will ever be. Now I understand what it all means…not really…but kinda…more than before. This is indeed the last frontier, a place unlike any other…the Arctic North. And I realized just today, the best way to describe it is ABBA Land. That’s what they’re all about, sky, snow, stone, and glacier…an inspiring mixture of blue, white and gray.

In Victoria, British Columbia, I bought an official Olympic track jacket from (or for??) the 2010 Vancouver games. Its white, blue, and gray. The colors of Alaska…the colors of ABBA. Victoria is a lovely town, like little Great Britain. My position as art auctioneer goes together with the port and shopping guide. So we’re planning on making Victoria our little day together thing. We had sushi and went to the mall, bought a track jacket for (from) the Olympics and finished the day off with Orange Juliuses. It just feels so British, which is great. Next week we’re going to lunch at the pub and then possibly the British museum. Oh, so my itinerary: Seattle, Sea Day, Juneau, Skagway, Tracy Arm Fjord, Sea Day, Victoria, Seattle. It’s a pleasant run with long port days and three sea days for my auction (we don’t actually stop anywhere in the Fjord, just cruising). But it was today, In Juneau where I came to this great realization of this ABBA Land. I took a bus to go see the Mendenhal Glacier (Pronounced Glass-e-air of course). And I’m not sure how to spell Mendenhal, so for the sake of being Coleman, I will refer to it as Glassier M. Here I was startled to find myself lost in a mire. Luckily, I found a lovely path to the lake, and came out on a rocky shore overlooking an ice berg laden lake with the huge Glassier M protruding from the valley across the way. It was of course breathtaking, awe inspiring, and slightly spiritual. I was reminded of a painting I had made off of the cover of an ABBA album. Voules Vouz to be exact. It had gray, blue, and white icebergs coming out of a glassy surface. I thought for sure this place must have been their inspiration! But then I realized that fjords in a Scandanavian world must all be as inspiring anyways, so they probably have stuff that looks like this all over, but still! I don’t really care because to me it was tru beauty…like an icy ABBA paradise… my ABBA land. And of course I had been wearing my Olympic jacket which matched the landscape as well. This was ABBA land and I, its denizen.

So I’ve been doing lots of hiking up in the Great North. We cruise the inside passage where the waters are smooth and glassy, and the sky stays light perpetually, and mountains rise and fall on either side at all times. The world has such a different feel to it. Otherworldy. I’ve been to the tops of wintery summits to take snow scene pictures, investigated waterfalls and ancient hillside cemeteries, found peaceful, yet mysterious lakes cradled up the wooded summits, and even took a marvelous train journey up the Yukon Pass, into the barren Canadian mountain tops. I’ll remember that summer as it brought the heaviest snows I had ever seen. As I’ve been milling it all over, there’s still so much to look forward to. Whale watching boat adventures, extended helicopter glacier treks with dog sledding, snow scenes, garden strolls in Victoria, snow scenes, waterfalls, snow scenes, bears, snow scenes, ABBA. As I was walking back to my room (my guest stateroom with no roommate, but with room service!!!!!!!) I stopped in our general liquor store aboard the ship to purchase some rum (Mountain Dew and banana flavored Cruzan anyone?). The shop manager is a nice Indian fellow, and he had his personal music playing. Of course it was his favorite ABBA tunes. He says they’re pretty much the thing back in India. I say they’re pretty much the thing all over! Of course they are.

And of course, now, I work much harder than before. That’s why I haven’t posted in weeks, for
now… I am Manager. I run my own business here on the ship, and my job is $ (and lots of paperwork and meetings with Management and revenue teams and stuff). I even got to fire my first employee on my second week! I’ve come to the realization that I really don’t care about making money, as much as I should. Sure, I love fancy things, and you need money for that, I’d like to pay off my debt, and you need money for that, but I really only care that I do a really good job. I would like to out perform my peers. I would like to do such a good job that people say, look at Coleman, he’s doing great, must be doing something right, keep it up. And that’s it. I really just don’t want to be bothered. My job is to make money, so therefore I need to make as much as possible. The benefit…people leave me alone, and I just also happen to get fancy things. I run my life the way I want to, enjoy the things that I cherish, and no one needs to mess with it because I’m doing a good job. It’s a bit reclusive, but exhilarating too. I don’t know many other 24 year olds out there that are managers running their own business, let alone in Alaska. I never thought I’d ever be a manager at 24. I don’t think I ever wanted to be a manager before. My plan: Do a great job (extra extra $$), do my own thing, and work real hard during this Alaskan season. No one bugs me. Then, come September, the ship heads to Vancouver in order to cross the Pacific. There are week long stops in Hawaii, then Bora Bora before hitting Sydney, Australia. Then a circumnavigation cruise around Australia and New Zelanad, taking a whole month. My goal is to stay on the ship until then, and then disembark in Sydney for a two month vacation starting with an Australian outback-backpack adventure. Now the idea of crossing the Pacific by ship has always appealed to me. The idea of circumnavigating the Australian Continent sounds like a dream come true. This is something to work for, wouldn’t you say? This is a life to live for, a life to celebrate. Of course this is all alone. I miss my friends and family very much, and there’s so much I truly wish I could share. I just hope that people realize I think of them often, reflecting on times that have meant so much to me, and the times yet to come. Often I think, if you oculd see just a snapshot of my reality, what would they think? Sometimes I see those times yet to come…in pieces and dreams…calling to me…but only when I wear my ABBA Land jacket. Its funny, a lot of people perk up when I say I’m from Chicago. I suppose its one of those places everyone knows of in sort of a badass way. I think the idea of being from Chicago is actually a lot more appealing than actually being from Chicago. Why, I’m Coleman Vander Meer…your fine art auctioneer from Chicago…step into my gallery. It’s a role I think I’m well suited for. Now, the only thing I need: an Assistant! Accepting applications…requirements: exceptional.

“Chiquitita you and I cry, but the sun is still in the sky and shining above you.”
For that I look to the sky everyday. Out to the sea, endless and mysterious. Indeed, the sun is still in the sky, shining above me. Somewhere, out into the endless universe it shines on you too, I’m sure. Maybe we would be singing together? Sing a new song.