marauding for flesh

poetry soup

2005-05-10T18:31:00.000-07:00

Hello dear friends of the arts (and of soup, raucous laughter, and partying),

This Saturday, you can catch a double bill of art. The Brewery's Spring ArtWalk is from 11 am to 6pm, where you can walk from studio to studio and feed your brain with art.

Now for the best part. From 6pm to midnight, there will be a firework of words and flavors at PoetrySoup. I will be reading new works, two or three short stories (all dependent on my ratio of alcohol to soup intake) and I would love to see you there. I'm a little nervous about this, and those who know me know that I don't get nervous. So please come, I appreciate the support.

The PoetrySoup is co-sponsored by the c3.

playing with nipples

2005-04-11T15:04:00.000-07:00

I can't get out of the penthouse today, I just keep playing on this website. Someone help me!

Star Wars nerds, drugs and the hustle

2005-04-08T09:31:00.000-07:00

I think the world just ate a big bowl of crazy. By now you probably have heard all about the Star Wars fans who are lining up in front of Grauman's for the May 19th release date, even though it isn't playing there. Blogs have been tracking their activities, followed by mainstream media. But check out what they're doing on Craigslist.

As if that weren't crazy enough, yesterday the FDA pulled Bextra off the market. That's not the crazy part.

Whatever you were doing this weekend, cancel it. Go watch Kung Fu Hustle. If you have weak rectal muscles, wear Depends. You may soil yourself, you will laugh so hard. You have never seen a film like this. Laugh, I thought I'd die. It's a romp! I attended the midnight screening at the Arclight and I haven't been able to sleep since. Great fight choreography, by Master Yuen Wo Ping, who choreographed The Matrix movies, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, and Kill Bill V1 & V2. Additional choreography also by Sammo Hung. I screamed in glee at the screen, clapping my hands like a fucktard. It was that good. Here's what the critics say. But fuck what anyone else says, go see it yourself. Call in sick, drop everything. What are you doing still reading this?! Go!

hasselhoff watch

2005-04-06T00:57:00.000-07:00

For those of you who enjoyed my previous post on the Infinite Hasselhoff (and can't explain why), here's Tidal Dave. Truly hypnotic.

(Thank you Manolo!)

welcome to los angeles, now get the fuck out

2005-04-05T14:07:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles is a mean town. The saying goes that if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere, but my experience is that Los Angeles is a tougher town to crack. Many friends have come here and left for various reasons, but I know so many others (not friends) who couldn't take the heat and left. There is a dead-on rant/post on Craigslist re assholes in this town that paints a picture of someone come undone titled, "Fuck you LA, and the BMW you rode in on…" - hilarious.

My favorites:

This is it…the last straw. There have been other last straws, too many to count in fact, but this is really really it. I have spent 2 years in this godforsaken metropolis testing my tolerance for the intolerable and I have finally given up- I hate you I hate you I hate you.

FUCK YOU traffic on the 405 at 4am. When I’m driving home at 4am, I’m either drunk, horney, or crying (the only reason one is driving at 4am), so I need you to be clear. I spend my whole day at your mercy, doing runs, burning high-priced watered-down gas, and basing my entire social life on your whims, but at 4 fucking am, I need you to NOT CLOSE DOWN TO ONE FUCKING LANE. I hate you.

I’d put this old Italian thousand-year curse I know on you, but I think the wildfires, earthquakes, floods, mudslides, and 800lb flying boulders have got it covered. Perhaps you’ll collapse under the weight of your own smog someday, but til then, you guessed it. FUCK YOU.

Although I am one of Los Angeles' biggest boosters, I have to admit that as a writer, sometimes this city just kicks my ass. But I have my reasons for being here and I'm trying to keep my eyes on the prize. Last year I worked at this company with, there's no other way to say it, a complete fucking idiot. This bozo was a wannabe hipster from Seattle. I've never been to Seattle, but he definitely belongs in a flyover state. There were many reasons I couldn't stand this guy, but here's just a sampling of why.

Bozo often spoke of his dream of becoming an actor, but he had the dream and not the drive. He didn't take acting classes, he didn't hit auditions, he didn't read scripts or keep up on what was going on in the industry, he had no idea what Meisner, Alexander or Method was, he'd never been on-camera, he'd never even been on a film or television set. When he learned that I was a writer, he proclaimed in an insanely me-too moment, "I'm a writer, too!". He'd never been published, didn't even know what the Writer's Market was, didn't belong to a writer's group, never took a class, never completed a single screenplay, teleplay, essay, never submitted to a publication or even had a story killed. But he did write a short story in high school that his buddies thought was kewl. One Monday he said to me, "Hey, I can write screenplays now!"

Reserving judgement, I asked, "Yeah? Did you write something?"

"A friend loaned me his copy of Final Draft. I figured out how to do that tab thing to write the dialogue and stuff."

Congratulations, now get yourself one of those baseball hats from The Writing Store that reads, "writer" and you'll be all set.

Ten years ago I was in New York City, visiting Carl, a friend who recently moved there for a better gig in the music industry. Carl said that when it is summer in NYC and he's in a sweltering, piss-soaked subway station waiting to get on a train to stand armpit to face for 20 crowded and smelly minutes for the ride home, he had to remember the reasons he moved to NYC in the first place or he'd move back to Manhattan Beach in a New York minute. That goes for anyone who moves to a competitive space. If you're gonna come, you better come correct. And if you're not ready to play where the big dogs bark, you're going to find your tail between your legs as you run back home where it's safe.

I hear Bozo is back in Seattle now, married and probably content to be a big fish in a small pond. Good riddance. Because there's already too much traffic on the freeway.

no lunch and no Vegas

2005-03-31T13:30:00.000-08:00

Jersey had to cancel our lunch and downtown Los Angeles tour plans. He's trying to open a restaurant in Los Angeles and was waylaid by meetings with financiers. Oh well. Now what do I do about lunch? Minutes later, I got a call from AE, he can't go to a special midnight screening of Sin City at the Arclight (which has since sold out), he's doing a 24-hour turnaround to Las Vegas and do I want to go? Hell yeah!

So I scramble, trying to get my act together and take it out of town when I realize that I promised to attend a showcase for Violet Brown's latest signing, Coffey Anderson, at the Temple Bar in Santa Monica tonight. Sigh. Normally I'd say "screw it, I'm going to Vegas", but I've punked out on Violet so many times I couldn't do it again. So I called AE back and told him to go on without me. No Vegas, no lunch date and I have to go west of La Brea (ugh).

So now the most important decision I'll have to make all day - French, Italian, Mexican, or dim sum for lunch? Life is hard.

was it my perfume?

2005-03-31T10:47:00.000-08:00

Jersey never showed up at my birthday party this past Saturday because he never got my email. I was going to email him some information about the downtown housing tour but I called him instead. So he asked me to lunch and if I would show him around town. So today's the day. I don't have a thing to wear, I hate my hair and I have no idea where we should go for lunch.

Last night I was getting ready to head out to Cole's for the triumphant return of I See Hawks in L.A., and my phone was ringing off the hook. The good news is I have a date for tomorrow night (guy from my party, from left field!) and for drinks on Tuesday night with longtime ex (the young buster). I finally got out of the penthouse and was walking to Cole's, two different men pulled over to tell me it wasn't safe for me to walk alone at night. One guy in a Mercedes said he'd follow me at a safe distance to make sure I got to wherever I was going safely.

Once inside, it was all good. The joint was jumping, lots of music fans out to support the Hawks. That guy who made the awkward pass at me during the last Downtown Art Walk came in. Awkward. I just kept drinking my beer and eating my yummy french dip sandwich. That awful writer who I saw at The Smell this past Sunday was also in the house. I wanted to take him out back and pummel him mercilessly for his crimes against writing. I guess he recognized me because he kept jocking me. Other guys who have hit on me at one time or another kept coming in. More beer, please! Note to self: don't go to Cole's by yourself again.

i'm going to hell for laughing at this

2005-03-26T17:50:00.000-08:00

If I didn't laugh, I'd have to cry. But I laughed my sick and twisted ass off at this.

Thanks to my numerologist for this.

met another guy

2005-03-26T01:01:00.000-08:00

I think he was one of only two straight men at Club L this past Tuesday. We were there for karaoke night with one of my favorite cousins and a bunch of queens. He was shooting pool with my brother (the other straight guy) and asked if we were "together". My brother said, "She's my sister." He perked right up and laid his rap on me. He wasn't clumsy and he wasn't slick, he actually had a pretty good rap. He just moved here from New Jersey and he didn't know where he wanted to live yet, so he was staying in different hotels, trying out different neighborhoods. I suggested he stay out of the Valley (I admit it, I'm a snob) and try downtown Los Angeles. Jersey mentioned that he stayed at Checkers for a few days before he moved to another hotel. I wish I could remember what else we talked about, but I was so heavily medicated and drunk, I didn't retain much.

He kept trying to chat me up more, but it was difficult to get me off the mic as I was determined to punish the audience with my rendition of 10cc and Donny Osmond songs. So he gave his email address and phone number to my brother and asked him to give it to me. How cute is that? I was getting ready to hit a painfully high note when he walked past me and the stage, waving goodbye. It was a school night, so I guess he didn't want to stick around until someone wrestled the mic away from me. I guess he passed some sort of test because my brother gave me his info at the end of the evening. How cute is that?

So I invited him to my birthday party this Saturday. I hope he shows up, but I could've scared him off with that high note. It was a little off and I think feral dogs were circling the building. If you want to know how we wound up at Club L, read this.

recovering from accident

2005-03-24T19:15:00.000-08:00

I was in a car accident this past Friday. No one was seriously hurt, I did go to the emergency room, but nothing serious. Read about it here.

busy week

2005-03-21T01:38:00.000-08:00

This past Thursday I caught the US premiere of Mughal-e-Azam at the Writer's Guild Theatre. Read all about it here. I attended the show with my numerologist and the winner of a Pat Benatar look-alike contest. It just happens that my numerologist is an expert on Bollywood films and the look-alike is a director of photography, so I was able to get some unique insight and crash the after-party for some good Indian food.

This was all in the middle of Fashion Week LA. I think I liked Fashion Week better when shows were staged in the piss-soaked alleys of downtown Los Angeles. Maybe it had more to do with going to Score's afterwards for Bloody Marys, maybe because I could walk or ride my scooter to the shows. Read about some of it in "go frock yourself".

I was supposed to go out with that documentarian/director guy tonight to see Millions, the new Danny Boyle film. But he called early last night to reschedule. He's been working on a music video this weekend, but the rain pushed their schedule back (damn you rain!). They tried to play catch-up today, but they lost the light and have to finish up tomorrow night. Sigh. But he asked if we could reschedule for the weekend rather than a school night, so I guess that's good that he didn't want to settle for a lousy slot during the week. Was it really the rain, or did he see right through my bullshit?

seacrest out?

2005-03-20T15:27:00.000-08:00

You decide.

Thanks to Trent (scroll almost all the way down, between J.Lo and Xtina).

And Ryan wants you to know that he is not America's Porn Idol. Whatever.

i hate being right

2005-03-20T15:24:00.000-08:00

The O'Jays were pissed off that Justin Timberlake inducted them into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I would be too.

So did you catch the show on VH-1 last night? I was in a drugged stupor thanks to a car accident on Friday afternoon. But I watched through the haze. My favorite moment was when Percy Sledge, famous for When A Man Loves A Woman, thanked his wife for all that he was and all that he has in life. His performance, that song, that tribute to his wife - incredibly moving and beautiful. There were more than a handful of moments like that, I'm sure I missed so much more thanks to muscle relaxants and editing for television. I think the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony is my favorite award show.

"care-a-lot? there's no such place."

2005-03-16T04:01:00.000-08:00

Why am I watching The Care Bears Movie at 4am? No, I'm clean and sober. Favorite quote, "Secret Bear says don't worry about falling, worry about the lion instead."

And why do I want anime dolls that poop?

BTW, does anyone want to watch the 2005 USA Sumo Open this Saturday at the LA Convention Center?

Or watch the US Premiere of Mughal-e-Azam at the Writer's Guild this Thursday?

Should I ask hot documentarian to the US Sumo Open, or to watch the godfather of all Bollywood films?

I met a guy

2005-03-16T03:35:00.000-08:00

I met him on the set this past weekend. He's a documentarian and he's hot. He gave me his digits and was so suave about it. We broke for lunch and he asked if the seat in front of me was taken. Caught in mid-chew and not realizing it until I was in the middle of it, I shielded my mouth and found myself aping my best Asian-who-can't-speak-English impersonation, "Oh, I don't know." I'll never learn. Thankfully he seemed to be attracted, and not repelled by my sense of humor. So I kept going, it was as if I were auditioning for a Saturday night slot at The Improv. Comedy is my crutch. I'll never learn.

I haven't done this in so long, how does it go again? How long before I should pick up the phone and call? Just like riding a bike my ass. Help me.

i heart kirstie alley

2005-03-07T19:30:00.000-08:00

I love Kirstie Alley's new show, Fat Actress. They are showing it every other half hour tonight on Showtime and I will TiVo it and watch it repeatedly, rocking back and forth laughing like a mental patient. This after spending the day in my old fat pants. I wore them to remind myself of how big I used to be (I lost like, 100 pounds two years ago), and to help keep me from backsliding.

On the show, Kirstie's assistant and hair/makeup artist balls-out lies to her about how big she looks and she laps it up like a creamy corn chowder, mmmm. She flips off her long-suffering agent repeatedly, snacks constantly, chain smokes, and claps her hands in glee at the prospect of getting laid by a very tall, large, attractive black man (ABM).

I loved every minute of the show from start to finish (The show opens with Kirstie crying after her morning weigh-in), but there are moments of absolute genius. My favorite Kirstie quote, "If I had a dick, I would put it in my hand." My favorite bit in tonight's episode is when she is in bed with ABM. She claps, and her Clapper does away with the lights. ABM waxes rhapsodic about her big ass and as he smacks her ass, the Clapper turns the lights back on. She claps to turn the lights off, but he smacks her ass again, so she claps - well, you get the idea. Hilarity ensues.

Kirstie Alley is my new favorite idol and if you don't like her, you are ass. I've got 20 minutes before it shows again, I'm going out to get some nachos.

everybody works!

2005-03-04T03:49:00.000-08:00

Everybody works this pilot season! I don't care how lacking in talent, how severe the cocaine habit, if every show you've been on (except the one) has bombed, how many strings your spouse had to pull, how long it's been since you've had a hit show, or whether the sum total of your appeal lies in your cleavage - everybody works. Now get your jewelry out of the pawn shop, schedule your next Scientology session and let's get that Emmy!

CBS has added David Arquette to the cast of the comedy pilot The Commuters, which also includes Jeri Ryan.

ABC's Soccer Moms has added Gina Torres to star opposite Kristin Davis as the two soccer moms who in their spare time are private investigators. I guess it's a logical move, from sex in the city to sleuthing in the suburbs.

Shades of Sex in the City, WB has added Laura San Giacomo to its untitled drama cast about four women, sisters (that's a twist) living in NYC and making their way in love and careers.

WB drama pilot Grown Men about five frat brothers reuniting more than a decade after college years, has added Dean Cain as one of the brothers. I was hoping we could get Dean to guest star on Desperate Housewives. I love stunt casting.

Fox has also added cast members to its drama pilot Ticket to Ride with Luke Perry and Jason Gedrick, as two of the 20 winners of a winning lottery ticket.

Dog Town Lawyers, about two lawyers - one young and idealistic (Jay Baruchel), the other, his mentor, who has become cynical since his fall from big lawfirm grace - has added Don Johnson to the cast as the mentor.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus is back for more, cast in the title role of the comedy pilot Old Christine about a 30-something single mom trying to keep up with the married neighbors.

Crumbs has added three to the pilot cast - Jane Curtin, Fred Savage and William Devane, about three brothers brought back together after the divorce of their parents. Curtin and Devane play the parents; Savage one of the brothers.

Launching sooner than expected is the new Pamela Anderson show, Stacked. That show is now scheduled for Wednesday, April 13 at 8:30pm and has added Christopher Lloyd and Brian Scolaro to the lineup. The show is about Anderson's character, a woman who works in a bookstore and is trying to change her habit of attracting duds. Why oh why are they scheduling this for Wednesday nights?

red-eyed and blue

2005-03-03T13:09:00.000-08:00

There's this meme that's going around , and around, and around, where you pick a band and answer these questions using song titles from that band. Yeah, I'm bored, blocked, broke, depressed, and distracted. I woke up this morning to find the crew from Without A Trace peering into my bedroom windows again. Then they started walking on my ledge and filming on the roof. Sigh. So check out this post on my other blog.

hammer readings

2005-03-01T23:01:00.000-08:00

I realize this may further undermine my rock and roll rep for wanting to attend this (like all my Star Wars posts haven't already done that), but I'm geek enough to want to go to this:

The Hammer Museum presents three ongoing reading series featuring today's most talented and provocative authors. All readings are free of charge, and are followed by booksignings at the Hammer Bookstore.

Hammer Readings
Saturday, March 5, 2005 - 7pm
Malcolm Gladwell
Author and journalist Malcolm Gladwell has been a staff writer for The New Yorker since 1996. Gladwell was previously the New York bureau chief for and is the best selling author of The The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference. His recently published work, Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, examines people’s rapid cognitions that determine their instant conclusions.

Anyone else planning on attending?

Revenge of the Sith Trailer

2005-03-01T18:34:00.000-08:00

Fox will show the world premiere of a new trailer for Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith, during a new episode of The O.C. Thursday, March 10, 2005, 8 p.m. Fox will be the first place to see the full-length Revenge of the Sith trailer. The trailer will be released in theaters on March 11, 2005, Revenge of the Sith hits theaters worldwide on May 19, 2005.

tv is going to suck this fall

2005-02-28T19:56:00.000-08:00

We could just call it HasBeen, but this is wrong on so many levels.

A new reality project called ReMix (working title) from Stone & Co Ent and Edmonds Entertainment, brings together 8 known singers and/or musical groups whose careers may have taken a bit of a slide, and put them together for a competition/career makeover. In the vein of American Idol, the competitors will week by week whittled down to just one who will get their album produced by Edmonds Entertainment and hopefully a successful career comeback.

Let's get MC Hammer, Duran Duran, Michael Bolton, Debbie Gibson and Billy Ray Cyrus on board. We've got room for three more, who did I forget?

I'm still going to watch with the sound off.

In addition to Denise Richards, UPN's pilot project Wildlife has added Eric Balfour, Tamara Taylor and Omar Benson Miller to it's cast about twentysomething friends living in Hollywood's Silverlake area.

On second thought, maybe I just won't watch at all.

I'm confused. Is Philly sexier than NYC or Hollywood? Tell me again why this is a good idea.

ABC has added a few to its untitled ensemble comedy project. New cast members include Julie Bowen, Alan Tudyk and Michael Landes. The premise is a group of single thirtysomethings, all living in Philadelphia.

You know, I don't care if they have donkey shows in Philly, I hate the cast and won't be watching.

So let me get this straight - real estate in NYC is funny, but real estate in L.A. is not.

Sofia Vergara has been added to the cast of ABC's Hot Properties, which also includes Nicole Sullivan, in a workplace comedy also set in a NYC real estate office.

Charlotte Ross will join Ashley Scott in ABC's drama pilot Westside, a primetime soap set in a high end Los Angeles real estate office.

It must be true that the water tower on the Warner Bros. lot is filled with Jack Daniels instead of water and television execs climb up there for "inspiration".

"Are you there God? It's me, Daniel. Please get me off this show."

NBC's Book of Daniel which already stars Aidan Quinn, has also cast Dylan Baker as the senior warden in the church where Quinn is the minister who speaks directly to God.

God help them.

There is absolutely nothing I can say about this.

777 Entertainment Group is currently pitching a new animated project, The Roaches, to cable nets. Created by Marcello Robinson and Deborah Young, the project is about a family of Roaches evicted from their Beverly Hills mansion and who relocate to a Chicago housing project. Several hip hop artists have reportedly been signed to participate in the project including Bone Thugs N Harmony, Jada Kiss, Juvenile, Lil Wayne, Mama Stokes, Mannie Fresh and the Ying Yang Twins.

I do like the Ying Yang Twins.

enough with the oscars

2005-02-28T18:53:00.000-08:00

And the Oscars went to:
Best Picture: Million Dollar Baby
Best Director: Clint Eastwood - Million Dollar Baby
Best Actor: Jamie Foxx - Ray
Best Actress: Hilary Swank - Million Dollar Baby
Best Supporting Actor: Morgan Freeman - Million Dollar Baby
Best Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchette - The Aviator
I'm bored already. Just get the full list of winners here.

Now this is just my opinion, but:

Best Sideshow Bob Impersonation: Adam Duritz
Best k.d. Lang Impersonation: Mike Meyers
Best Big Bird Impersonation: Cate Blanchett
Frizziest Hair: Scarlett Johansson
Three-Way Tie for Best Dressed Woman: Kate Winslet, Natalie Portman, Catalina Sandino Moreno
Favorite Moment: Jorge Drexler genuflecting to Prince

Best Oscars and Oscars Party Coverage:
The Manolo and the Awards of the Academy.
Patrick Whitesell/Rick Yorn's Endeavor Agency Post-Oscar Debauchery
The CAA Pre-Oscar Salad-Tossing Extravaganza

phone envy

2005-02-27T15:20:00.000-08:00

I want, I want, I want.

funniest/scariest michael jackson picture ever

2005-02-26T17:56:00.000-08:00

"Come here little boy. I wanna give you some candy. And then I'M GOING TO EAT YOU!"

(Thanks to PageSixSixSix for picture and caption.)

did he just see constantine?

2005-02-25T02:17:00.000-08:00

I hear that Rachel Weisz is so bad in Constantine that she makes Keanu look like a freakin' genius by comparison. Whoa, that's bad.
(Thanks to Defamer)