Let’s begin with three quick stories…

• This morning at a train stop near the hospital, a man and his three young kids got on. The kids were loud and completely out of control, running from one end of the train car to the other. An annoyed passenger sitting next to me looked over at the man and asked, “Is there a reason you’re letting your kids go nuts right now?” The man looked up with tears in his eyes and said, “The doc just told me their mother isn’t going to make it. Sorry, I’m just trying to think before we all sit down at home to talk about this.”
• Two of my ex-coworkers actually laughed at me last year when I told them I dreamed of opening my own hair salon. But I’m proud to say that I opened my salon anyway, almost nine months ago now, and business is really taking off. But to think I almost didn’t do it… I almost took my ex-coworkers’ negativity to heart, and let their limitations become mine.
• Today one of my regular customers, a really grumpy elderly man who has been eating in our diner every morning for the better part of five years, left me $1,000 in cash for his $7 breakfast. Alongside the cash he left a small note that read, “Thank you, Christine. I know I haven’t been the brightest smile in your life, but your smile and hospitable service over the years gave me something to look forward to every morning after my wife passed away. I wanted to say thank you. I’m moving eight hours down the road this afternoon to live with my son and his family. May the rest of your life be magical.”

Those are old stories, familiar stories, and variations of them likely happen more often than we realize. And if there’s one thing they all have it common, it’s the importance of not taking things too personally…

The father on the train wasn’t (more…)

One of the strongest signs of your growth is realizing you’re starting to believe in yourself again.

I received a thank you email recently from a longtime reader and coaching client named Kevin (I’m writing about him today with permission). He said the work Marc and I do helped him and his wife maintain healthy mindsets as they struggled and grew through one of the most difficult periods of their lives. Certain sections of his email nearly moved me to tears:

“After injuring my back, losing my job because of it, being evicted from our apartment, moving in with my in-laws, nursing my five-year-old through a nearly fatal bout of pneumonia, I was stuck in a deep rut. And I was sitting on the front porch of my in-law’s house feeling sorry for myself one day, when my childhood best friend called me crying and said, (more…)

“Don’t cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won’t let you see the stars.”
— Violeta Parra

It’s a dull sensation when your heart is breaking, like the muffled sound of a distant gunshot. It doesn’t actually pierce your skin or tear you to pieces, but the sensation is physically present — the paralyzing discomfort of realizing that something you took for granted is leaving for good.

Although it’s hard to accept at first, this is actually a good sign, having a broken heart. It means you have loved something, you have tried for something, and you have let life teach you.

Life will attempt to break you down sometimes; nothing and no one can completely protect you from this reality. Remaining alone and hiding from the world won’t either, for endless isolation and solitude will likely break you with unhealthy nostalgia and yearning.

You have to (more…)

The world is full of struggle. It is also full of overcoming.

Character and wisdom are both sculpted over time. These qualities come with loss, lessons, and triumphs. They come after doubts, second guesses, and exploring unknowns. If there was a definitive path to personal growth, everyone would be on it. Truth be told, the seeds of your success are often planted in your past failures, and some of your best stories will likely arise from overcoming your greatest struggles.

Marc and I learned all of that the hard way. Over the past fifteen years we have dealt with several significant hardships, including the sudden death of a sibling, the loss of a best friend to illness, betrayal from a business partner, an unexpected breadwinning employment layoff, and more. These experiences were brutal. Each of them knocked us down and kept us down for a while. But when our (more…)

Everything We Need

Jose’s wife, Maria, was born in a one-bedroom, stand-alone home on the outskirts of Playa del Carmen, Mexico. It was a fine little home, but her father, Oscar, wanted a real house. So he worked two jobs — a 60-hour-a-week factory job, and then another 20 hours or so a week as a carpenter.

Oscar saved 50% of his income for over a decade to build his family a four-bedroom house, like the ones in the better parts of town. He put half his family’s savings in a local community bank, and he tucked the other half away in a safe he kept hidden on their property.

On the morning Oscar planned to break ground on his family’s new house, the local community bank shuttered its doors, just hours after law enforcement declared the bank was running an illegal (and uninsured) Ponzi scheme. 90% of the deposits Oscar made were lost. Then, the very next day, their little home was robbed at gunpoint. In exchange for his family’s safety, Oscar offered (more…)

Your thoughts can carry you. But weak thoughts don’t have the strength to carry you far. And attaching to weak thoughts is one of the most common barriers to living a relatively happy and productive life. If you allow these negative ways of thinking to dwell for too long, they will succeed in robbing you of peace, joy, and your overall effectiveness. You will think yourself into endless disappointment and frustration. In a very real sense, you are what you think. And you can’t change anything if you can’t change your thinking.

But are you ready for the silver lining?

You can change the way you think!

And when you change the way you think, you can gradually master a new way to be.

So today we’re going to take a look at five common negative thought patterns, along with some effective (more…)

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

A big part of who you become in life has to do with who you choose to surround yourself with. Sometimes luck controls who walks into your life, but you decide who you let stay, who you pursue, and who you let walk back out.

Ultimately, you should surround yourself with people who make you a better person and set boundaries with those who don’t. Here are some general warning signs you’re in the presence of the latter:

1. They want you to be someone else.

Spend time with people who see you just the way you are. Spend even more time with those who truly know about you, and who love and respect you anyway. And if someone expects you to be someone you’re not, take a step back…

Remember, it’s wiser to lose relationships over being who you are, than to keep them intact by acting like someone you’re not. Because it’s easier to nurse a little heartache and meet someone new, than it is to piece together your own shattered identity. It’s easier to fill an empty space within your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space within yourself where YOU used to (more…)

Let’s cut to the chase today. What you ultimately do in life comes out of who you believe you are. You have to practice believing in yourself and ignoring the naysayers. Because while you may not be able to control the impolite things some people say and do, or the unfair things that sometimes happen in life, you can press forward and decide not to be endlessly derailed by them.

Of course I know that’s much easier said than done, especially during transitional periods of growth and change, but you must remind yourself that it can be done!

How?

Start by memorizing some helpful “notes to self.” After all, it’s not what others say about you, and it’s not what you broadcast to everyone else that determines the trajectory of your life. It’s what you whisper to yourself behind (more…)

Today, during a group Zoom call on the topic of toxic relationship habits, I shared two short stories with ten coaching clients.

“I truly appreciate the perspective today, and the invitation to change how I treat the people around me. I’ve been gossiping, bypassing, and judging people too quickly for far too long,” one person replied. And almost everyone else on the call nodded their heads in support and added their two cents about how they struggle in similar ways.

So, I figured I’d re-share these stories with you here in hopes that you find value in them too. Perhaps they will inspire you to change how you show up in your interactions with others in the days ahead…

Story #1 — True, Good, and Useful

A couple thousand (more…)

If someone is working on themselves and changing for the better, it’s unnecessary to keep bringing up their past. People can change and grow. You know that’s true. But have you given yourself a fair chance to change and grow, too?

Have you loosened your grip on what’s behind you?

If you’re shaking your head, you aren’t alone. At times we all fall victim to our attachments. We simply don’t realize how often we block our own present blessings by holding on to everything so tightly.

Thus, it’s time for a quick true story about life and letting things go…

When Our Old Stories Hold Us Back

She rarely makes eye contact. Instead, she looks down at the ground. Because the ground is safer. Because unlike people, it (more…)

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.

Sometimes changing your circumstances isn’t possible, or simply not possible soon enough. You can’t get to a new job in an instant. You can’t make someone else change against his or her will. And you certainly can’t erase the past.  So what options do you have left?

Change your perception, belief or opinion about your circumstances. Doing so will help you change your attitude and ultimately allow you to grow beyond the struggles you can’t control.

The Greek philosopher Epictetus said it perfectly more than 2,000 years ago: “People are disturbed, not by (more…)

“Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.”
—Thomas Jefferson

This short article was inspired by an email we received today from a reader of the blog:

Dear Marc and Angel,

In one of your articles last week you asked your readers to think about a weakness they’d like to change. Mine is telling lies. Although they’re usually just little lies, I’ve gotten carried away. I lie about things all the darn time mostly to just make myself appear better than I am… because I want to impress people. But it’s getting harder! I feel like every little lie leads to another one, and it’s wearing on me. I’m sick of my own dishonesty! Please help me break this habit. I need some motivation to make a change once and for all. Your thoughts on this topic would be appreciated.

Sincerely,
A Dishonest Reader

Our reply (an open reply to everyone who lies to impress people):

Dear Dishonest Reader,

It’s time for a quick story about life…

Once upon a time, an aging king knew the end of his life was nearing, and he decided it was time to designate a successor. Since he had sadly lost his wife and children in a terrible accident, he chose to pass the throne on to (more…)

Twenty years ago he walked into my dorm room on the verge of tears.

“I can’t take it anymore!” he groaned. “I’m just running in place. I aim. I sprint. And I fall every time. I’m getting nowhere! Nowhere!”

His desperate eyes stared into mine, hoping and searching for an answer…

His Story of Procrastination

He has dreamed of pursuing a (more…)

There’s a big difference between empty fatigue and gratifying exhaustion.

Before you know it you will be asking, “How did it get so late so soon?” Perhaps you can already relate. So take time to reflect. Take time to realize what you want and need in the days and weeks ahead. Take time to take calculated risks. Take time to love, laugh, learn, cry, and forgive. Life is so much shorter than it often seems.

In our line of work we speak with people on a daily basis who have been forced to wake up to life’s fleeting nature. Consider these two small excerpts from people’s stories that we recently received in our email (more…)

Ten years from now, it won’t really matter what shoes you wore today, how your hair looked, or what brand of clothes you wore. What will matter is how you lived, how you loved, and what you learned along the way.

Deep down you know that already, right?

Yet today, just like the majority of us, you keep getting distracted by the insignificant.

You give too much of your time to meaningless time-wasters.

You take your important relationships for granted.

You get caught up in hurtful drama.

You give in to your doubts.

And the list goes on.

But why?

Why do you follow these stressful and regretful patterns of behavior?

Because (more…)

Here are some hard things worth reflecting on. They’re hard because they force you to check yourself. It’s all about challenging yourself to keep the right thoughts at the top of your mind, so they’re readily available on those inevitable days when you need them most.

Some people call them affirmations, or quotes, or convictions, but in any case these reminders have the ability to keep us on track by keeping calm, peaceful, productive thoughts and perspectives at the top of our minds, even when life gets messy. So challenge yourself to choose one of these reminders every morning or evening, and then sit for a moment or two while repeating it silently in your mind. See how doing so gradually changes the way you (more…)

A good morning, and thus a good day, aren’t experiences that magically happen — they are created consciously.

Most of us are distracted from the get-go every morning. Trivial activities like checking social media, watching TV, and worrying about things we can’t control often set the tone of the day. And that means we waste our most well-rested time on things that don’t matter, while gradually losing touch with the significant, controllable parts of our lives that actually do matter.

We simply forget that the morning hours are enormously important — they form the foundation from which the day is built. We forget that how we choose to spend these hours can be used to predict the kind of days we’re going to have, and ultimately the kind of lives we’re going to live. So if you feel like you’ve been getting a rough start lately, and stumbling through your days with diminished intention and focus, it’s time to consider (more…)

This morning I was reading a book outside my favorite beachside coffee shop when an 18-year-old kid sat down next to me and said, “That’s a great read, ain’t it?” So we started chatting.

He told me he graduated from high school earlier this summer and starts his college career in a few weeks. “But I really have no idea what I want to do with my life yet,” he said. “Right now I’m just going with the flow.”

And then, with eager eyes, he began asking me one question after the next:

• “What do you do for a living?”
• “When and how did you decide what to do?”
• “What do you wish you had done differently?”
• etc.

I answered his questions as best as I could, and tried to give decent advice with the time I had. And after a half-hour conversation, he thanked me and we parted ways.

But on the walk home I realized the conversation I had with that 18-year-old was actually quite nostalgic. He reminded me (more…)

The worst kind of heartache is often the kind you inflict onto yourself.

If you don’t want to break your own heart, then don’t…

1. Let people invalidate or minimize how you feel.

If you feel something, you feel it and it’s real to you. Nothing anyone says has the power to invalidate that, ever. No one else lives in your body, or sees life through your eyes. No one else has lived through your exact experiences. And so, no one else has the right to dictate or unfairly judge how you feel. Your feelings are important. Don’t let anyone lead you to believe otherwise.

2. Regret every mistake you’ve ever made.

If you regret some of the decisions you’ve made in the past, (more…)

You ultimately become what you habitually do. If your habits aren’t moving you forward, they’re holding you back. Here are four prevalent examples of the latter that keep holding the best of us back in life, and some strategies for turning things around…

1. We hold on too tight.

Twenty years ago, when Angel and I were just undergrads in college, our psychology professor taught us a lesson we’ve never forgotten. On the last day of class before graduation, she walked up on stage to teach one final lesson, (more…)