“That’ll preach…” (or at least help you get clear about how and what to preach.) Here are some of my favorite quotes. Most of them I’ve been reading and sharing with others for years. (You may notice a theme.)

“When one member of a family can calmly state his [or her] own convictions and beliefs, and take action on his convictions without criticism of the beliefs of others and without becoming involved in emotional debate, then other family members will start the same process of becoming more sure of self and more accepting of others.” (Try this at church…)

Murray Bowen, Family Therapy in Clinical Practice)  

“We do not give up our work. We act with greater clarity and courage once freed from oppressive ambition. And we cheerfully choose a new role, transforming from savior to warrior.”

Margaret Wheatley, So Far From Home: Lost and Found in Our Brave New World

“Mature leadership begins with the leader’s capacity to take responsibility for his or her own emotional being and destiny.” 

Edwin Friedman, A Failure of Nerve,

“When the gift I give to the other is integral to my own nature, when it comes from a place of organic reality within me, it will renew itself—and me—even as I give it away. Only when I give something that does not grow within me do I deplete myself and harm the other as well, for only harm can come from a gift that is forced, inorganic, unreal.”

Parker Palmer,  Let Your Life Speak

“Thinking for one’s self in a group is incredibly difficult, especially when anxiety is high. Most of the time you end up simply conforming to relational pressure, cutting off from the group, or investing all of your energy into forcing others to change. But what if you simply took the time to define your beliefs and danced them out, like a smart little bee?

Kathleen Smith, Everything Isn’t Terrible”

“Jesus gave up, at least for the moment, being responsible for what did and did not happen.  (Give this up, and your ministry will be transformed for the better almost overnight.)”

Kirk Byron Jones, Rest in the Storm

And from “Lasting Leadership: Is It Possible?” the first chapter of my own book Leaders Who Last, a quote which I still affirm: “When leaders can combine a clear sense of themselves with a wise understanding of human relationships, ministry can prosper…Being a church leader is never easy, but it is easier when you focus on what you can control: yourself and your response to others.” (Get the book here.)

Here’s an important lesson I learned from one of my teachers, Dave Ellis: how to apologize. (He’s the author of one of my favorite books, Falling Awake: Creating the Life of Your Dreams) Dave said when you have to apologize, just apologize. Don’t elaborate. Don’t make excuses, even if the excuses show it wasn’t really your fault (like traffic). 

I realized how often I want to justify myself and explain. This is related to my last post about turning down invitations and the lengthy explanations we want to give about that. (If you missed it, you can read it here.)

I want to show I was well-intentioned, even if I didn’t fulfill my commitments. It’s more about me than it is about the other person. 

As I’ve tried to apologize in this clean and clear way, I’ve found it is an opportunity to practice self-regulation. I can say it and shut up, instead of excusing myself. It’s also an opportunity to be responsible. Excuses are ways to evade responsibility. Whether I was late for a meeting or a deadline, made a mistake, or unintentionally hurt someone, my behavior had consequences. My intention and all the external factors don’t change the consequences. 

Now, once you’ve apologized you don’t need to do it again and again. When I find myself doing this, it’s also more about me than it is about the other person. I want to reassure myself by repeating my apology. I want them to help me feel better about what I did.

In some circumstances, sharing information may be appropriate–such as that Sunday morning when Zoom crashed at worship time in the Eastern time zone. However, in the ordinary course of our lives and ministries, there are plenty of times when we do make real mistakes and let people down. Those are opportunities to practice apologizing and keeping it short:

So, try this:

“I’m sorry I was late.”

“I’m sorry I forgot to ___________.”

“I’m sorry I lost my cool.”

Then stop talking.

I’ve always loved the etiquette expert Miss Manners. In recent months, she’s been writing fascinating answers to pandemic-related questions (such as this one on “mask-shaming”). Miss Manners is clear without being rigid. She says that etiquette is not about arcane rules or shaming others who don’t know the rules. Rather, it’s the opposite — being kind and considerate of others, without allowing them to run roughshod over you. She is absolutely clear about boundaries.

Miss Manners offers wonderful counsel on saying no to invitations. Her stock answer is, “Thank you so much, but I just can’t.” (See here ) She says you don’t need to give a long explanation. 

Her advice applies not simply to social invitations, but to all kinds of requests for your time–these may be heating up as fall begins. What I like about Miss Manners’ approach is that she takes the emotion out of it. The work is to get clear about what you want and don’t want, what you can and can’t do, and communicate this without apology or defensiveness. She also is a champion of resisting the manipulations of others.

I recognize that there are many pressures from parishioners to spend your time in certain ways. In addition, you  may see strategic reasons to say yes to a request from a key lay leader, or your denominational exec/bishop or to make a fuller case for your need to say no.

For most requests that come your way, you can give a brief response without a long explanation. You don’t need to outline your schedule in detail to a parishioner or colleague. You might add, “I just can’t this week…” or “I just can’t this month…” Or when asked to book the sixth Zoom meeting on a day, “My schedule is full that day.” (It doesn’t matter that you actually have an hour free. You need that hour to rest your eyes and your brain.) Resist adding a paragraph about how busy or overwhelmed you are. It won’t help you or them.

In the day to day managing of your schedule through these intense days, try practicing a simple, “Thank you so much, but I just can’t,” at least once this week.

What’s your biggest challenge in saying no to requests?

It’s been fascinating to hear how people are coping with this time of enforced isolation. I know some of you are working harder than ever before. And some of you have commented that meetings are shorter than ever, and you have a little more free time. Some of you have kids at home and that takes up any extra free time you might have had.

What are you reading and watching? I’ve heard from many of you that you haven’t had as much as energy as you expected to catch up on that pile of professional reading. In the mornings at the beginning of the day, I’m reading a few pages from some of the following books, some of which have been sitting around for months if not years. This little-at-a-time reading worked for me long before this crisis.

Richard Rohr: Eager to Love The Alternative Way of St. Francis of Assisi. Most useful quote so far: “Yet Francis’s holiness, like all holiness, was unique and never a copy or mere imitation. In his “Testament,” he says, “No one told me what I ought to do, and then, at the very end of his life, he says, “I have done what was mine to do, now you must do yours.” (p. xvii.)

Aliza Israel and Avrum Nadigal, It Takes More than Love: A workbook for singles and couples. I learned (or re-learned) some things even after 40 years of marriage. And for singles, the section on how to create an online dating profile from a sense of self is worth the price of the book. Useful quote: “We can’t avoid stress without avoiding pretty much everything; without avoiding living. Given that you’re going to experience anxiety at some point, isn’t it worth learning how to harness it to help live a meaningful life?” (p. 45)

Loretta Behring, The Science of Positivity: Useful quote:…”I have watched dozens of crises come and go. I have noticed the way people pride themselves on their ability to find evidence of crisis. And I realized that I would never feel good if I waited for the people around me to feel good.” (p. 187) Even in a real crisis like this one, it is possible to feel good at least some of the time, by noticing what is going right.

The rest of the time, I’m reading historical fiction, mostly romance. It’s a great distraction–and also a reminder that many other periods in history have faced challenges. I read several World War II era novels, arguably the last time when the whole world was caught up in something the way we are now.

I’ve watched many Bon Appetit cooking videos (highly recommended!). I’ve also re-watched several movies, including Cold Comfort Farm, a quirky movie set in 1930s England which was one of my mentor Larry Matthews’ favorite movies about the power of presence to bring change in a system. (Hint to clergy: a great testimony to the power of showing up, being yourself, and not working harder than anyone else.) Sadly, it’s not available for streaming, although you can still order the DVD.

The best video I watched is the speech about covid-19 given by the Queen of England. It’s a great example of leadership. Shows us all how to do it in a little more than four minutes:  (Thanks to Katie Long for suggesting this video.)

What are you reading or watching?

Last week I took a walk. On the way, I saw this, written in colored chalk on the sidewalk in childish handwriting: “Will you let covid ruin your day? No! Smile! Have a great day!” followed by about 20 chalk smiley faces in a variety of colors. 

What did I do? I smiled, of course! I couldn’t help it.

One of my readers sent me this message last week: “I put together a list of things I am doing to weather this time in a healthy way.:

Here’s his list:

• To give thanks each day. (St. Ignatius of Loyola in his spiritual exercises calls it ‘Review the day with thanksgiving.’)
• To enjoy humor each day. Nothing irritates the devil more than a good laugh.
• To forgive those who wrong me.
• To accept forgiveness from those I have wronged.
• To hold no grudges, resentments, etc.
• To call, email, text, or visit by Facetime someone every day. 
• To catch people doing something right (vs. wrong).
• To remember people in prayer. 
• To focus on things I can control, not what I cannot. 
• To take a walk or a bike ride every day. 
• To enjoy good food and drink, particularly a margarita at the end of the day.

This pastor also said, “Maybe your next column ought to ask your readers what they are doing to focus on hope and challenge for the living of these days”

I love this idea!

Here’s part of my own list:

• Sing for at least 10 minutes a day.
• Stop at several points to notice what is right about my world.
• Focus on the moment instead of spiralling about the future.
• Limit my exposure to the news. (The reader above sent me a follow-up email calling it the “noise media.”

What’s on your list of what you are doing to weather this time in a healthy way?

The late great rabbi Edwin Friedman used to say, “People respond better to challenge than support.” That was shocking to me when I first heard him say it. I was socialized to be nice, and I had an idea that my job as a pastor was to care for people.

Then I thought about it some more. At the time I had young children, and I realized that in raising children you challenge them all the time, to clean their rooms, do the homework they don’t want to do, be polite. It’s exhausting sometimes for both parents and children, but that’s what it takes to raise decent human beings.

We often put up with immature behavior on the part of church people. It may be that we feel our job is to be supportive. “They’re going through a hard time,” we may say. Or, “That’s just the way they are.” Or we think the church is supposed to be a loving place, so we have to put up with anything and everything.

Even people who are going through a hard time or have had a hard life have a range of functioning. We can challenge them to do the best they can, or do better than they are.

Remember that you don’t have to:

• Listen to people as long as they want to talk to you (especially if they are complaining).
• Allow people to lose their temper in conversations or in meetings.
• Answer the phone every time they call or respond to every text.
• Allow staff to chronically avoid doing their jobs.
• Step in to fix something so someone doesn’t have to take the consequences of their failing to do what they said they would.
• Allow someone else’s procrastination become your emergency.

I’ll be honest: it’s still hard for me to take stands and set limits with people. What helps me do it when necessary is to think about what’s in everyone’s best interest. It is better for people when we expect them to respect others and fulfill their commitments (whether they are paid staff or volunteers). It’s better for the whole community when standards of behavior are clear and people are held to account. (This is in the Bible. See Matthew 18:15-17)

Blessings,

Margaret

Creating a vision for your ministry is one of the ongoing tasks of leadership. It takes time to articulate a vision – time on the clock and time on the calendar. It takes relationships, too—a vision for a congregation isn’t created in a vacuum, of course.

Leadership starts with you. The vision starts with you. And one of the best ways to begin to work on a vision is to ask yourself, “What do I want?”

However, you may instead be asking, “Isn’t ministry vision about what God wants, not me? Isn’t it a little selfish to ask myself what I want?” Of course, prayerful discernment is part of the process. I suggest you prayerfully and thoughtfully begin to ask yourself what you want.

And remember:
“Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.”  Psalm 37:4, NRSV

This doesn’t mean you get everything you want. One of my teachers says we only get about 25% of what we want, so we might as well want—and imagine—a lot. Instead, I think we often assume we can’t have what we mostly deeply want so we don’t even articulate it for fear of disappointment. I’d love to see pastors think bigger and more hopefully about what they want.

I saw an interview once with actress Sharon Stone. She said that growing up in a small Pennsylvania town, she told people, “I’m going to be a movie star.” Of course, everyone thought she was crazy. Yet she reached her dream. There are no guarantees—plenty of girls in small towns have dreamed of stardom. But few people reach stardom (or anything else) without dreaming about it first.

What do you want? What are your dreams?

Why vision is important
It’s hard to move forward in a sustained way if you don’t know what you want, or if you are working out of obligation. I once took my parents to lunch at a Sizzler restaurant (their choice…). My mother, well into her eighties at this point, enjoyed her lunch. I was going up to get dessert, and I asked her, “Mom, do you want dessert?” She said, “Well, I should…” (because it was included in the price!). I said, “I don’t think should is part of the equation when you’re talking about dessert, Mom.” She did have a bowl of ice cream, and enjoyed it, too. I was raised with a powerful sense of should. It’s been liberating to move away from should and toward mature wants.

We constantly find ourselves in ministry saying, “I should: get better at church finances, visit more, be more up-to-date with trends in church life, be able to grow this church.” You name it. You’ve got your own list, I’m sure. And while all these things are important, a life of obligation in ministry is not satisfying. You won’t be giving your best self if every day is filled with the shoulds and none of the wants, much less the love-to’s.

What do you love to do in ministry, and can you do more of it?

Getting what you want in ministry means putting a higher priority on what you want. That means sometimes you have to put a lower priority on what other people want, which can be challenging.

Many clergy grew up in a position of pleasing others in the family. We were programmed to be “unselfish” and conflict-averse, and to be more attuned to meeting the needs of others than our own. This isn’t true of all clergy, of course, but in my own coaching and consulting practice, I see this often. And I plead guilty myself.

Yet many pastors, when I ask them “What do you want?” say dreamily, “That’s a good question.” If you find yourself gazing off into the distance at that question, it’s a good sign!

Another challenge is the danger of resignation. We come to think we can’t possibly have what we want. Some congregations are more open than others, it is true, but when we start out by assuming nothing is ever going to happen, chances are nothing ever will. We don’t even start the conversation.

Warning: Some churches and lay leaders are allergic to pastors who are self-defined and know what they want. And no church actually says, en masse, “Sure, that sounds great, pastor!” Don’t take it personally when some say instead, “How can you say that, pastor! We’re not going there.” It’s just the beginning of the conversation.

Always remember, you are the biggest gift to your congregation. The more you lead out of your deepest self, the better a pastor you will be. This doesn’t mean you say, “That’s just how I am,” and never pay attention to feedback or work to develop yourself. It does mean that constantly adapting yourself to your congregation and what it wants is not actually in their best interests—or yours. What they need (whether they know it or not) is a leader who is clear and self-defined. Finding a way to connect who you are with who they are, will over time, have the most potential for productive ministry.

Start here: What do you want? Take five minutes and write about it now.

A reader asks asks, “Could you please write an article about the most important personal life/work boundaries that you have set for yourself that go beyond a regular day off a week and not friending the youth on social media until they’re 18?”

Great question! Here’s what I’ve done for myself. Now, my situation is different from many of you. I work for myself, at home. However, I’ve also was a pastor for years (before the social media frenzy and the pressure for constant availability.) But working at home does create its own challenges.

Here are ten of mine.

1. One day a week with no email (well–truthfully, some weeks I have one day with very little email, which is not the same as none). I need to start tracking this more carefully
2. Keep notifications off, and check email manually. I took email off my phone, but just put it back on for a trip. I’m assessing this. I feel the pull.
3. Leave my phone outside the bedroom at night. I use a regular clock-radio as an alarm.
4. Practice not thinking about work when I wake up at night. (I have to practice this….)
5. Monitor how much I go on and on to my husband about work over dinner and how much I listen to him. (I have to practice this, too.)
6. Limited time on social media, keeping my purposes in mind. Just this year, I’ve stopped scrolling through the feed. If I want to know about what someone is posting, I look them up by name. Cal Newport talks about using social media and the internet in ways that are satisfying. I’ve found that helpful in making decisions.
7. Put my phone away when I’m talking to someone (personally or for work).
8. Set a beginning and ending time for my work day. I did this when I was a pastor, too. Meeting kids after school was a great, if challenging, enforced deadline when they were young. Now I have to do it for myself.
9. Staying off non-work websites during working hours, or work-related websites that are just a distraction (the internet rabbit hole….) I’ve just started tracking this by number. (0 is the target number.) It took me years to get to this. It helps me end my day when I had planned.
10. I don’t usually read ministry-related books on my days off or on vacation. This is not a big challenge for me, truthfully, since I love fiction. In addition to the pleasure I get, wide-ranging reading helps me with the creative side of my work. And it was a big help to me when I was preaching weekly. I keep a novel available on my phone in the Kindle app for times I have to wait for someone

I know pastoral ministry can be difficult, when church members text you at all hours and expect a response. Most of my “congregation” is made up of clergy, so I don’t have that challenge to deal with. (Thanks for not texting me at midnight!) I do believe you can set some parameters with your people, but it  can be tough to make a change.

What are your most important personal life/work boundaries? 

Blessings,

Margaret

I’ve gotten intrigued by Dolly Parton lately. I admire much about her, including her talent, hard work, persistence in the face of setbacks, and generosity

What can clergy learn from Dolly?

Be generous. Forbes magazine just this week declared her a major education philanthropists particularly for her “Imagination Library” providing books to millions of preschoolers. I was always dismissive of her theme park, Dollywood, but I’ve learned she’s provided jobs for many in the depressed area where she grew up. We do not have Dolly’s financial resources, but we can only teach generosity to others if we, too, are generous.

Work hard. Dolly is still at it at 73 and still going strong. Ministry is hard work. It takes time on the clock and time on the calendar. Hard work is not necessarily the same as overfunctioning, when we’re working hard toward our own goals. You may not want to do paid ministry until 73, but meaningful ministry after retirement will help you and others.

Connect across generations. Dolly connects with and supports younger artists. She just released a new video of “God Only Knows” with Australian Christian brothers For King and Country, and performed at the Newport Folk Festival in july with the country group Highwomen.

Access to people of a variety of ages is one of the wonderful benefits of pastoral ministry. Even if your congregation tends to be older, they have family members you will have the opportunity to connect with, even if they never come to church. Whatever your age, look up and down the generations and develop relationships.

Be positive. From her hardscrabble childhood to career ups and downs to the doubtless many private challenges, Dolly puts her best face to the world. Despite her wealth, she said in a Labor Day CBS interview, ‘I count my blessings more than I count my dollars.” That’s a good model even for those who may find the dollars are tight. 

Find your own creative expression. Dolly has written thousands of songs. I wrote my first song this year, not because of Dolly but because of an assignment from my music teacher. I’m never going to be a big songwriter, but I am a writer, and I write something almost every day, even for 5 or 10 minutes. What’s your creative outlet? It might be preaching, or it might be something else. A creative practice outside of church, even a few minutes a day or a week, will enhance your ministry at church. I can guarantee it.

Be yourself. Dolly is unapologetically herself, including the big hair and the plastic surgery she frankly admits she has had. And she encourages others to be themselves.Whether you are tall or short (Dolly is just my height), round or thin, big-haired or balding, a singer or can’t carry a tune, find out the best of who you are and put that into the world.

Blessings,

Margaret

Here are ten mistakes that even smart clergy make. I’ve made all but two myself, several more than once.

1. Feeling like the future of the congregation is all on their shoulders. I’ve been there. It’s exhausting, and it won’t get you where you want to go.
2. Complaining about church members to staff, other church members or their spouse. Sure, we all vent occasionally. But remember, you are creating anxiety-driven triangles which won’t help you discern how to approach the problem.
3. Offering to reduce their salary to balance the church budget. I know some churches are facing big challenges in keeping up with salaries, let alone including even cost-of-living increases. Changes may realistically need to happen. However, when a pastor volunteers to take a pay cut, that’s overfunctioning. (I never did this, but I did volunteer to give up most of my continuing ed. money one year. Big mistake.)
4. Not taking a day off. If you have more than a week without a day off, reconsider your commitments.
5. Spending as much time talking to people as they want to talk to you. Some people will take up all your time if you let them. They are not usually the most mature. It’s better for them (not to mention you) to set limits.
6. Allowing staff to get away with bad behavior. I don’t know about you, but I learned nothing about supervision in seminary, and I can be congenitally nice. If that’s you, remember: It’s not helpful to put up with staff who refuse to do their job (actively or passively), lose their temper with members or other staff, or can’t learn what they need to do their work. 
7. Avoiding difficult conversations. Sometimes you simply have to say, “You can’t act like that here.” With certain people, you need allies to say this with you. We have to overcome our niceness to be the leaders we need to be. 
8. Thinking that rational persuasion will convince people of something they don’t want to be convinced of. My advice: don’t try to talk people into or out of anything.
9. Thinking they don’t have time for any outside interests. (I always managed to at least keep reading fiction if nothing else. And I still do.)
10. Saying yes to everything. (See #4, above.)

Blessings,

Margaret