I don’t usually review movies but after watching Michael Bays Transformer 2: Revenge of The Fallen I just HAVE to say my piece. So you must be asking “What gives this guy the authority to review a film?” Well, to give you a backgrounder on my movie reviewing prowess I have been writing movie reviews since I was a kid. It started when I dissed the movie “The Never Ending Story” as the most inaccurate movie of all time. That time we went to the movie theater carrying sacks and sacks of food and several bags of clothes only to find out the movie only lasts for two hours. And we went there thinking we’d spent the rest of our lives in a movie theater! But that’s another story. I also write for the NY Times and won a Nobel Prize for Dissing Bad Movies… okay, so I’m fuckin’ with you. But this is the internet age, man. Anyone can diss anyone.

To start with, the movie was directed by Michael Bay, a great director who gave us music videos from Meatloaf, Lionel Richie, Donnie Osmond and a lot other old people. This movie just solidifies his reputation as a dickhead. I mean, WTF! This is a robot movie. It should be about robots bashing robots. Who needs humans, gooey dialogs, and love angles.

Okay so Megan Fox’s character is crucial without whom the story of alien warrior robots disguised as cars and planes would not be plausible. But Shia LeBouf? He shouldda been squished in the first 10 minutes of the movie. His character can only be justified if he was strapped on the hood of Bumblebee while going full speed in a freeway… in the wrong lane. Or if Megatron uses him as a human shield all throughout the movie.

Okay, so it’s obvious that I hate Sam’s character. But, man, who wouldn’t be pissed off. I mean he is such an ugly guy who is so full of himself that he has this dialog at the early part of the movie where he says HE is so sure that a hottie like Megan Fox will NEVER break up with him. Fuck! I am 10 times better looking than this guy. Sure he worked out lately and have nice abs but I have a body of a GOD… Buddha is a God, right? Anyway, if I was ever in a movie with Megan, half of it would be spent in my bedroom. Fuck the robot wars. Let then kill each other. I’ll be holed up in my room humping my hottie girlfriend like a deprived rabbit.

At this point, you probably realize that this is not really a movie review. But hey, this is my site and I can write whatever I like. Right!?

So how would I improve the movie? (I bet you fanboys will ask me this so I’m beatin you to the punch).

I would prefer if it was Quintin Tarantino who wrote and directed the movie. We could have Samuel Jackson to voice for Megatron. I could just imagine the dialog:

Megatron (Samuel Jackson):     Optimus ‘fuckin’ Prime! Your ass is goin down bitch! I’ma gonna blast you with this big-ass gun and skewer yer ass with this mutherfuckin sword, bitch!

Optimus Prime:                         Good always triumphs over evil Megatron. We will win. We are more than meets the e---

Megatron (Samuel Jackson):     Aw shut the fuck up and eat lead mutherfucker!!! (BLAM, BLAM, BLAM)

That is way better dialog, huh!

Now this is how the movie would have played out.

Dialog would be mostly moans of suffering when someone is dying or moans of pleasure during sex scenes.

Shai LeBouf – Squashed in the first ten minutes.
Sams Parent –  Squashed
John Turturro – Will replace Shai LeBouf except he doesn’t get to have sex with Megan Fox
Me – Megans horny boyfriend
Soldiers – all squashed all throughout the movie.
12 Dozen Sexy Horny Girls – My harem

 

Scene 1:           Shai LeBouf gets kidnapped by Megatron (voiced by Samuel L. Jackson)

Scene 2:           Same except for the soldiers being squished. This will also last for 30 minutes and much of China will be annihilated.

Scene 3:           Cut to steamy bed scene with Me and Megan. This goes for 30 minutes.

Scene 4:           Robot fight scene where Megatron bitch-slaps Optimus. This will play out like the bar scene in Desperado where Antonio Banderas battles it out with a dozen bad asses. Replace bar with the City of New York (where buildings will be destroyed), Antonio Banderas with Megatron, and the bad asses with Autobots. Optimus dies here.

Scene 5:           More bed scene with Me and Megan

Scene 6:           They try to revive Optimus. More robot vs robot fight scenes. Most of Earth will be destroyed. The battle will move to Middle Earth where hobbits will fight alongside Autobots and Orcs will ally with Decepticons (while we're at it, lets include Ewoks, Starship Troopers, some Jedi Masters, and Harry Potter. He obviously borrowed some ideas from those movie anyway). All hobbits will be squished. There will be lots of blood and gore. Autobots will run and hide like whipped dogs and Decepticons will triumph. Optimus who was somehow revived (probably by Gandalf) will say (ala Terminator) “I’ll be back” (to suggest another sequel) before running away and hiding.

Scene 7:           More sex scenes with Me and Megan for 30 minutes. Then fade out…
 

Soundtrack will be The Roots – The Seeds played all through out the film.

 

Now THAT would make for a better movie, right?

AWESOME LINKS:
LilFormers
Awesome Video of Transformers 2
Do Not Click This Link
Butt Burgers

Drink up.

To those who follow my posts sorry for the infrequent updates. I've been busy recruiting minions for my world domination project. Enjoy this post!