But as I’ve said so many times before, often as I’ve struggled with my own adversities, success in life isn’t always about the opportunities we create but how we respond to it’s setbacks.

I remember being literally thrown onto the streets in the middle of the night while working in a pub in London many years (decades!) ago as a young intrepid back packer working my way around the world. The manager, who I later realized must have been mentally unwell, came into my bedroom which I shared with a few other girls my age and falsely accused me of lying to him about something totally ridiculous. He told me to pack my bag and get out. It was 2am. It was snowing outside and I had nowhere to go. And yes, it was a pretty crappy job anyway but that wasn’t the point. I’d been told I was no longer wanted and even though I knew the guy must be crazy, it still left me feeling emotionally bruised, not to mention unjustly treated, humiliated and out of the job which was supposed to he funded the next leg of my round the world adventure.

Of course that particular job wasn’t one I ever saw myself in for very long. So it didn’t crush my professional identity which, a year out of university, I had yet to establish. But often job loss does exactly that. As human beings it’s natural to draw a lot of our sense of identity from the work that we do every day. Whether it’s the specific role that we have, and the status it accords us, or simply that our job enables us to provide for our family and pay for the lifestyle we want, our jobs can shape how we feel about ourselves and with it, our self worth and confidence.

A friend shared with me recently how when her husband was laid of from his finance job during global economic meltdown in late 2008, he fell into a really big slump. He’d worked hard all his life, thrived on the pressures and challenges of his work, and enjoyed the money he earned. Becoming unemployed for the first time in his life in his early 40s was a huge kick in the gut.

It’s a story I’ve heard many times. The challenge people in that situation face is in how they handle not only the loss of their job, but the many emotions that it can give rise to. These range from a sense of humiliation, anxiety, resentment, failure, vulnerability, anger and a loss of self-esteem. Sure, losing your job can be a blow to your back pocket, but it’s also a huge blow to your ego and self worth.

Marty Seligman, the father of Positive Psychology, found that the biggest determinant of those who succeeded after a setback such as job loss, was how they interpreted it. People who interpret losing their job as a sign of personal inadequacy or failure, are less likely to ‘get back on the horse’ in their job hunt, than those who interpret it as an unfortunate circumstance that provided a valuable opportunity to grow in self-awareness, re-evaluate priorities and build resilience.

As I stood on the street shivering on that freezing January morning in London in the early 90’s, I remembered my mother had a friend living on the outskirts of London she had wanted me to visit while in the UK. Her name was Aileen and she was a Josephite nun working in a seminary in Harrow. I rang her and she invited me to come and stay while I made new plans. So at 6am in the morning, after several hours taking a patchwork of London public transport, I found myself living with a nun and two priests. While I only stayed with them a couple days before deciding to head to Ireland to find work there, it proved to be a very memorable few days learning the inner workings of parish life. So as I look back on the entire experience, I can honestly say it ended up being an experience I am grateful to have had. Which leaves me to ask you one question: How can you turn yoru experience of job loss into one that you ultimately look back upon with gratitude for what it taught you?

8 Strategies For Bouncing Back From Job Loss

While I don’t have all the answers for all the scenarios that newly a unemployed person might face, I’d like to share a few strategies for bouncing back more quickly from job loss, and setting yourself up to minimize the time before landing a new job, perhaps even a better one!

1/ Consciously choose your response. Setbacks happen to everyone. It’s how we respond to them that differentiates people from each other. Whether the reason you lost your job has everything to do with you, or absolutely nothing, it’s how you respond to the setback that will set you apart from others when it comes to finding a new job, and turning this setback into a stepping stone.

2/ Don’t let it define you. Sure losing your job is a very personal experience, but don’t take it too personally. Research has found that the biggest difference between those who succeed after setbacks of any kind is how they interpret them. You get to define who you are, not your job or a company’s decision whether or not they employ you. Don’t take it as a personal rejection against you. It may well be due to economic forces far beyond your control that you found yourself out of a job. Potential employers will be more attracted to people who have proven their ability to stay positive and confident despite a setback/job loss.

3/ Prioritize self-care. When you’ve lost your job it is all too easy plant yourself on the couch, remote in one hand, beer or bag of chips in the other, and wallow in self-pity. Many do! But mental and emotional resilience requires physical resilience. So be intentional about taking care of YOU and doing whatever it takes to feel strong and fit. (After all, you now have no excuse that you don’t have time for exercise!) Studies have found that exercise increases stress resilience – it produces neurons that are less responsive to stress hormones. Get outdoors, go for a run, do some gardening, or just do something that lifts your spirits – whether potting fresh herbs, building your kids a cubby house or taking your dog to the beach – and helps to shift the negative emotions that have the potential to keep you from being proactive in your job hunt.

3/ Surround yourself with positive people. The people around you impact how you see yourself, your situation and what you do to improve it. Emotions are contagious – don’t get sucked into the company of those who want a marathon pity party. It consumes time and energy that would be better spent getting back into the workforce. Be intentional about who you hang out with. Surround yourself with people who lift you up and avoid those who don’t. Read positive books, watch positive movies, and remember that your family will take their cue from you. Let them know that while you may not have chosen your circumstances, you are confident that with time and effort, you will all pull through together, and be all the stronger and wiser or it.

4/ Tap your network. The vast majority of jobs are never advertised. So the adage “Your network is your net worth” is particularly relevant when it comes to finding those jobs that are filled via word of mouth. Reach out to people you know and enlist their support in making any introductions or connections that could help you. Whatever you do, never underestimate the power of your network to open up opportunities. The more people who know what you want, the more who can help you.

6/ Stay future focused. It’s easy to get stuck in the past and what shoulda-woulda-coulda happened, but didn’t. Doing so only perpetuates destructive emotions that fuel anger, self-pity and powerlessness. Focus on the future, and on what you need to do to set yourself up as well as possible both on the job front, in how you are budgeting your money and in your relationship with those who can help you find a new job. What you focus on expands, so focus on what you want, not on what you don’t.

7/ Treat finding a job as a job. If you feel the need, and can afford to do it, give yourself a break for a few days or week or two. But assuming you can’t afford a year sailing the world on the Queen Mary, don’t take too long before returning to your familiar routine. Create structure in your day. Sure you have extra time on your hands than you have before, but you will amazed how little you can do in a day if you aren’t intentional about what you want to get done. Create a job search plan with goals an small manageable steps. Then prioritize, structure your day and treat finding a job like a job.

8/ Practice kindness. It’s pretty simple really: extending kindness toward others makes us feel good. It’s not just a nice thing to do something for others – whether helping a neighbor or volunteering in a local soup kitchen – it’s actually a helpful thing to do for ourselves. When we give our time to help others, it helps us stop dwelling on our own problems, and makes us realize how much we have to be thankful for. Not only that, but it also can be a great way to build your network, and show potential employers you are not sitting idly by waiting for work to come your way. However you look at it, there’s no better mood booster than making a difference for someone else, even when you wish your own life were different than it is.

Related posts:

1. Wisdom from Sorrow, Lessons from Loss… the Gift of Sadness.
2. “Working hard at work worth doing.” Are you?
3. Moving to Australia… Changes Abound!
4. How powerful are you? Become Your Own Super Hero.
5. Your failures don’t define you. Your response does.
6. A time for Audacity, not Austerity… and some Tall Poppy Courage!

Matt plays Maxwell Smart

I feel a bit like I’ve been in a time warp. Moving back to a country I haven’t lived in for over a decade, and a city I haven’t lived in for even longer has been many things. Slightly weird is one of them.

This afternoon some items I’d had in storage since 2001 (when I moved to the US ) were delivered to my new home here in Melbourne. Of course my husband and I had no idea back then how long we would be gone or we’d never have bothered to store them.  Off the truck came  four big boxes.  I had long since forgotten what I’d packed inside them so opening them up felt a little like opening up a long lost Egyptian tomb… what treasures would I discover inside?

As luck would have it, not much.

What emerged from under copious amounts of wrapping paper was not so much treasure but worthless relics from a distant past, including a ton of dirty old plant tubs, complete with dried prehistoric snails (honestly what was I thinking?!) and archaically large medieval cordless phone – which my 9 year old son of Matthew, posing here as Maxwell Smart – thought was pretty darn cool. Nearly as cool as I thought it was when I bought it back last century.

A lot has changed since I last lived in Australia.  From the technology I used to communicate with to the faces on TV.  Some Aussie’s have obviously hit the big time since I last lived here, and some others have fallen from grace. There have been many who have made millions (particularly those involved in Australia’s booming mining industry), and others who have lost it.  As I’ve run into old university/college friends, I’ve also heard sad stories of old friends whose lives have been derailed by addiction – drugs, alcohol and gambling.  Sadder still are the stories I’ve heard of those who are no longer alive.

Other stories I’ve heard have absolutely delighted me. Friends who have started businesses that are now going global.  Old classmates that have over come huge hurdles, and are now thriving. People who were only teenagers when I left in 2001 who are now international super stars.

What has occurred to me as I’ve planted myself back into Aussie soil, is just how much anyone’s life can change over the course of a decade. For better and for worse. And I can’t help but wonder, what else will change in the decade ahead? For you, for me, and across the globe?

It’s probably not something you’ve ever thought to do before, but just imagine if you were to get a snap shot of your life in 2022, ten years from now. What would it look like?  Of course your current iPhone 4S would probably be as useless an antiquity by then to you as my old cordless phone from 2001 is to me now.  But what about those other aspects of your life… your relationship with you partner and children and siblings and parents and friends? What about the work that you would be doing each day and who you would be doing it with? What about where you would be liven, what you would do your weekends and who you would be doing it with?

I recall exactly ten years ago sitting on the beach in Mexico, about 5 months after moving to the US, and trying to visualise the life I wanted to be leading ten years out. Into my mind flashed a vision of my husband Andrew and I with four children. At the time I had three under four. I remember slapping myself. I knew the work a fourth child would involve. Yet I also knew that my ideal life did not only have me empowering people to live bigger lives, but being a mother to a big noisy family myself. Matthew, in the photo above, was the blessing that came from that vision. And yes, he has added more than his share of noise and chaos to my  life, but oh, what a richer life I have because of him.

All I know for sure is this, we regret far more the things we don’t do than those we do. Ten years can go passed awfully fast. But it also provides countless opportunities for making changes and for taking chances that can totally reshape the reality of our  lives.

So, if you could enter into a  temporary “time warp”, and paint for yourself the world you’d love to inhabit ten years from now, what would it look like?

As I wrote in my book Find Your Courage, we fail far more from timidity than we do from over daring. So trust in yourself that whatever direction your dreams and aspirations may take you, you have the courage to follow.

Related posts:

1. Choosing courage in fearful times
2. “New Year, New… Hemisphere!”
3. Why You Must Risk Vulnerability.
4. Neuro-Plasticity: Want To Outsmart Your Brain?
5. What courageous changes will you make in 2012?
6. Are you tip-toeing through life?

No doubt you’ve heard the saying “It’s not what you know, but who you know.” It’s one I’ve often heard in relation to someone who’s landed a great opportunity via a connection, personal or professional.

While knowing lots of people is helpful when it comes to accomplishing goals and advancing your career, on its own, it’s simply not enough. In my experience, what matters most when it comes to getting something you want is not just what you know, nor who you know, but who knows what you know…  what you can do and what you want to do!

During an interview last week on  The Circle (an Australian national talk show a bit like The View, but not really), I was asked why women, after fifty years of feminism, are still earning less than men and what women can do to close the gap.  Needless to say, there’s only so much that can be covered in a 5 minute interview and, as often happens, I only got to say a portion of wanted to share (you can watch on this link.)

One thing I did get to share is that women aren’t always great at letting others know just how capable they are, nor asking for what it is they really want.   Regardless of your gender, however, if you are working in an organization of any size, it’s vital to take responsibility for ensuring others are aware of the value you bring (i.e. what you know and do), and the value you want to bring (i.e. what you want to do.)

Many people struggle with the idea that they should have to “toot their own horn” in order to be recognized and rewarded in their jobs. After all, surely if you work hard, do a good job and continually deliver good results, you will be rewarded for it, right? But as I said in the interview, just because you think your boss should be thinking about you, noticing the long hours you put in and the stellar job you are doing, it doesn’t mean that he (or she!) will. Likewise, just because you think a co-worker, supervisor or even your beloved life long partner should know how you feel and what you want, doesn’t mean they will.

People are not mind readers.  Not your boss.  Nor your best friend.  Nor your “soul mate.” Not anyone.  Assuming other people know what you want or need sets you up for resentment and frustration – and it reduces the likelihood of you getting it. The reality is that most people are too caught up with what they are doing, and want to do, to focus much on you. It’s not personal; it’s just human nature.

Of course, no one enjoys the company of someone who is forever blowing their own horn, asking for accolades or demanding recognition.  But refusing to toot your own horn when the right opportunity or need arises can do yourself a big disservice, keeping you from enlisting the support of key decision makers and people well-positioned to help you.

Often our reticence to let others know our value is based on a misguided belief that they should simply be aware of it already. Other times it’s based on the assumption that they do. And other times it’s simply because we are afraid of coming across as too full of ourselves and simply loathe the idea that someone might think we were conceited, with an over inflated sense of ourselves.   But let me be clear:  Tooting your own horn isn’t about trying to impress people for the sake of stroking your ego. It’s about making sure that people who need to know what you have done (and can do), are aware of it.  After all, the more people who know what it is that you want, and what you can do, the more who can help you achieve it.

So as you look at your future , consider who you could reach out to and  communicate with more clearly about what you can do – and what you want to do. I’ll bet there are people in your network who can help you advance in your career or business or with some other endeavor. But how can they do so if they don’t know which direction you want to advance towards?

As you get out your horn to give it a toot, remember that letting others know the value you can – and want – to bring isn’t a boastful or conceited action.  Rather it’s a courageous action that will enable you to honor your potential more fully and expand your ability to make the difference you want.

So get over yourself.  Toot, toot.

Related posts:

1. Women in Leadership: Are we confining ourselves to a “Glass Cage”?
2. Do you allow yourself to be intimidated?
3. A time for Audacity, not Austerity… and some Tall Poppy Courage!
4. “Working hard at work worth doing.” Are you?
5. Does Fear Cloud Your Intuition? The Instincts You Should Never Ignore
6. Want to build more trust in your relationships?

image courtesy of theps.net

First we make our habits, and then our habits make us.

Every morning I start my day with a big cup of Earl Grey tea, milk and two sugars. It’s become a well-worn ritual that dates back to my days in high school. And while it may not be the most ideal kick-start to my day, it works for me.

So too does my habit of pouring myself a glass of wine most evenings around dinner time. It may not be the most ideal wind-down routine to my day but again, it works for me.

There’s nothing really wrong or right about either of these habits. They are, after all, just habits.

But it’s amazing how our habits can sneak up on us. And unsettling how easily we can fall victim to habits that we would never consciously choose to have. Like my other habit of checking my Blackberry too often. Yes, even at traffic lights. Only red ones These default patterns of behavior, repeated again and again, form a well-worn groove. And by the time we’ve realized they have taken residence in our lives, they can be like a squatter in an abandoned building. Obstinate about moving on out.

While it’s one of life’s cruelties that bad habits are easier to acquire and harder to ditch than good ones, it’s fallacy to think that you can’t change your habits. Of course it might be really difficult to quit smoking, running habitually late, pressing your foot too hard on the accelerator, drinking too much caffeine, pressing the snooze button until the last possible moment or finishing other people’s sentences, but that doesn’t mean you can’t. Research tells us that our brains are pliable and that we can develop new ways of thinking and behaving right up to the end of our lives. This innate neuro-plasticity means that you are never too old to change old habits. Believing that you can do that is the first, and most crucial, step in the process. (For more on neural-plasticity I highly recommend The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science (James H. Silberman Books)by Dr. Norman Doidge)

Think about the most successful people around you and you will find they are generally very intentional about what they do (and don’t do) and very thoughtful about why they do it. They know that who they are is what they repeatedly do. Of course, that’s not to say they mightn’t have acquired some ‘not-so-good’ habits but that they have even more great ones. To quote Benjamin Franklin: “Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones.” Certainly those people I admire most have well-entrenched habits (practices and rituals) that help keep them mentally focused, emotionally resilient, physically fit and spiritually centered.

My parents have a daily ritual of a morning cup of tea in bed (hmmm… maybe it’s genetic?) followed by reading from a prayer book and then praying together which includes naming each of their children and grandchildren. They’ve done it for years and every time I go home to stay with them, I find the familiarity of this morning ritual inspiring. I also love knowing that over 10,000 miles away on the other side of the world on a small farm in Australia my mum and dad are praying for me, my husband and four children. Who wouldn’t, right? (Here’s a picture of me with my parents toasting marshmellows around a bonfire taken while back in Australia in August.)

Of course not all habits and rituals are about outward action (or lack thereof in the case of habitual procrastinators.) We can also develop habitual ways of thinking and processing our experiences in life that have a huge impact on our sense of well-being, relationships and experience of being alive. Some people have a habit of judging everyone around them very negatively. Others have habits of telling themselves that they are worthless, stupid or doomed to fail. Just yesterday I met a beautiful young woman who told me that she feels very unattractive and has developed a habit of assuming that people will think she is overweight. Having had an eating disorder in my teens and early 20s I know how rapidly adolescent self-consciousness can spiral into self-destructive habits of thought and eating behavior.

So I invite you to ask yourself these two questions. Honestly. And reflect on whether the habits they identify are one’s that could do with a little (or lot) attention.

1. What do you repeatedly do, or fail to do, that doesn’t enhance your quality of life or does you an outright disservice?
2. What do you repeatedly tell yourself that may be keeping you stuck, undermining your efforts to change those aspects of your life that aren’t as you’d like?

As I wrote in Find Your Courage: 12 Acts for Becoming Fearless at Work and in Life, people who often find themselves in a rut in any area of their life, who keep failing to achieve the result they’d like (whether in their relationships, fitness or finances) have developed habits in mind and behavior that are contributing to their circumstances. The quality of your experience of life is determined by the quality of your thinking.

In his book Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life, Martin Seligman tells us that we can actually develop the habit of seeing the world through a more positive and optimistic lens. Because our thoughts determine our behavior, doing so leads us to taking actions that create new opportunities, forge new relationships and produce new (and improved!) results. The good news for you (and me!) is that while our bad habits may have shaped our lives in ways we don’t always like, we can, with courage and commitment, reshape our thinking and the behavior it directs in profound and positive ways.

Below are ten steps you can take to changing a habit from one that hinders to one that helps. But don’t just read it online, consider printing out a hard copy of these 10 tips so that you can refer to it again and again as you move forward in reshaping your habits and, with them, your life.

Ten Keys to Changing a Habit

1. Start small. Changing habits can be hard. Trying to change more than one habit at once or make too big a change at once sets you up to fail. Not good. So do it one step, one habit, at a time. For instance, if you want to get fit, start with a 15 minute walk three days a week. Make it doable and then ramp up as you go along.
2. Don’t just think it, INK IT! Simply saying to yourself that you are going to change a habit is not sufficient. You must write it down, on paper (with a non-erasable pen!). Make sure you include a) what specific habit you’re going to change, b) your reason for making the change (it needs to be compelling), and c) your plan for making the change (more to follow below).
3. Set a 30-day challenge. How long it takes to change a habit depends on what the habit is and who you are. It takes a solid 30 days to develop a new habit (and lose an old one), longer again to have it become second nature. But start with 30 days and put a chart somewhere highly visible to track your progress. New habits take time to grow from cobwebs to cables.
4. Don’t start right away. In your plan, write down a start date. Maybe a week or two from the date you start writing your plan. When you start right away (like the moment you finish reading this list), you are not giving the plan the seriousness it deserves. That said, don’t delay too long. Habits are harder to dislodge the longer they’re left.
5. Identify your triggers. What situations trigger your current habit? Most habits have multiple triggers (from going to a bar to attending a stressful meeting) so you must prepare for them in advance. Write down how you plan to handle them including a positive habit you’re going to do instead. These could be going for a walk when you feel the urge to open the pantry door, meditating, deep breathing, de-cluttering, drinking a glass of water as you walk in the door at night (rather than reach for a beer), and the list goes on and on. Likewise, try to avoid situations where you normally do your old habit, at least for awhile, to make it a bit easier on yourself. If going out to a bar is a trigger to smoke, avoid bars for a while.
6. Design your environment. When you surround yourself with people who believe in you, it makes success easier to achieve. Who will you turn to when you have a strong urge to return to the habitual behavior? Write these people into your plan and then ask for their support. Beyond those you already know, consider joining a support group or online forum. The more people who know about what you are doing, the more who can encourage you and hold you accountable. Likewise, be wary of those people around you who may feel threatened by you wanting to change your habit and take control of your life. Let them know that you need their support, not their cynicism. Tell them if they can’t support you then you would prefer not to spend time with them. Be deliberate about the people you spend time with and know that sometimes you need to let go of old friends in order to grow.
7. Tune in to your self talk. You talk to yourself, in your head, all the time — but you may not be aware of these thoughts. Time to tune in! Thoughts like “I can’t do this. It’s too difficult. This habit’s really not that bad” have the potential to derail your efforts. So it’s crucial to notice when you’re having them, and then remind yourself that they don’t represent the part of you that yearns for change. When you catch yourself midstream in a negative thought, consciously replace it with a positive empowering one. “I can do this. My persistence will pay off. I am replacing this habit that hurts me with one that helps me.” Just as walking once along the earth doesn’t create a path, neither will once replacing a negative thought with a positive one permanently change your thinking. You have to stick at it and repeat those new thoughts again and again and again until a new path is forged and a new habit created.
8. Harness the power of vision. Yes, it may seem new age-y but visualization is powerful. I invite you to let go any habitual cynicism and experiment with it with an open mind. In your mind’s eye create a vivid picture of yourself living with the new habits you are creating. Visualize doing your new habit after each trigger, overcoming urges, and what it will look like when you’re done. How are you feeling? How are you looking? How is life working better for you because of it? Utilize all of your senses to really embody that new you.
9. Reward yourself. Regularly. You might see these as bribes, but they are actually what cognitive psychologists would call ‘positive reinforcers.’ Incorporate them into your plan, along with the milestones at which you’ll receive them.
10. Cut yourself slack. You are not perfect. No one is. So it’s very possible that there will be times when you don’t keep your resolve and you slip back into old ways of thinking and doing. Don’t beat yourself up when this happens. Rather forgive yourself for being human, figure out what went amiss, plan for it in the future and then get back on your horse! Don’t give feelings of failure and guilt the power to stop you. Sometimes two steps forward, one step back. Such is life. Every step – even backward ones – provides an opportunity to learn more about yourself, to dig deeper into yourself and to step closer toward the full quota of the person you aspire to be. What matters most is not how fast you are moving, but the direction you are moving in… toward a happier and healthier you.

Related posts:

1. Neuro-Plasticity: Want To Outsmart Your Brain?
2. Will 2012 be your year of living boldly? Here’s to New Year’s Resolve that Sticks!
3. How powerful are you? Become Your Own Super Hero.
4. Procrastination: How is it costing you?
5. The Power of Optimism: 7 Strategies for Becoming a Glass Half-Full Person
6. What courageous changes will you make in 2012?

“There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community.” Scott Peck, Author of The Road Less Travelled

This morning I got an email from an editor at O Magazine in New York. “Would I be available for an interview on an article for their June issue?”

I rejigged my schedule. Who wouldn’t, right? Particularly given March  is International Women’s Month!

I’m not going to tell you what the article is about. You will just have to buy the June edition of O Magazine and find out for yourself. But I will tell you this: it’s about making courageous choices and the impact they can have on our careers, on our relationships, and on our lives.

There is no subject that I am more passionate about than courage, what it means, and what it takes.  Of course the word COURAGE, while resonating strongly for many, is also quite amorphous. I mean, what does it really mean to live courageously?

Courage has many faces, so what it means for one person to be courageous is very different for another.  But at the core of courage is a willingness to become vulnerable.  Vulnerable to rejection, criticism, failing, social humiliation, to messing up, falling short of the mark or simply to the disappointment that comes when we don’t achieve what we set out toward.

We live in a world that prizes outward signs of success: Lovely homes, nice cars, beautiful clothes, exotic holidays, Tiffany diamonds … the list goes on.  But to me the most meaningful marker of success are people who have been willing again and again throughout the course of their lives to keep faith in themselves in the midst of life’s difficulties and disappointments, and who take continual risks toward inspiring goals that make them vulnerable to more of it.

It’s the scariest things I’ve done in my life that have ultimately brought me the deepest fulfillment.  They haven’t been easy (think four kids, global moves, public speaking, writing a book…).  Sometimes I’ve failed outright. Ouch. And numerous times I’ve felt overcome with doubt as failed to see the progress I wanted to see… or at least not on the timeline I assumed I would see it.  At those times it’s taken all my courage to simply press on, pick up the phone one more time, or write something that I hope will make a difference… even if just for one person…other than myself.

I don’t know what shape your career, relationships or life is in.  Perhaps you are riding high in your career and bearing witness to the value of sheer hard work.  Perhaps you are living each day very safely, comfortable but quietly unsettled by a lack of purpose.  Or perhaps you are beginning an exciting new job, or business, relationship or endeavor that is demanding you to dig deeper than you’ve done before when it comes to determination, resilience, and a willingness to take risks.

What I do know is this at the foundation of every life well lived is courage. It’s the cornerstone you build your life upon. Courage to question what others have told you is possible.  Courage to become vulnerable to loss and love, to heartache and to hurdles. Courage to fail. Courage to dare to be more than who we have been up to now.

Around the globe today millions of people live in abject poverty.  Around the globe today, yes TODAY, thousands of young women are forced into the sex trade.  Around the globe today countless babies are aborted because their mothers don’t want them.  Around the globe today people are mourning the loss of those they love to war, to disease and to malnutrition. Around the globe today, but particularly in the wealthy developed corners of the western world, people are taking their lives, because they have given up hope that life will ever offer anything for them to make it worth living.  Without courageous action on the part of those who can influence  change, nothing will.

One day, will you look back on your life and wonder if you could have done more with the time and talents, money and resources you had available to you?

What is the one ingredient that will make the vital difference to the answer you came up with?

COURAGE.

So whatever it is that might be flicking through your mind right now, pay attention.  And then, feel your fear, acknowledge your doubts, then step into action anyway. Fear regret more than failure.

If you need a little inspiration, please take a moment to view this short Courage Movie that I made a few years back. Better still, jump on Amazon and get yourself a copy of my book “Find Your Courage!”

Related posts:

1. What world will you inhabit a decade from now?
2. “New Year, New… Hemisphere!”
3. Choosing courage in fearful times
4. Are you tip-toeing through life?
5. Neuro-Plasticity: Want To Outsmart Your Brain?
6. How powerful are you? Become Your Own Super Hero.

At least that’s what I’m telling myself at the moment, as I sit here writing my first blog post in well over a month… nearly two.

As someone who believes that the quality of our excuses correlates closely to the quality of our lives, I’m not one for making them. But when it comes to why I’ve not managed anything more than a few Facebook posts since mid January, I have a few excuses to impress even the harshest critic.

In the last month I have moved with my husband and four kids 17,000 odd miles from McLean, Virginia to Melbourne, Australia. I’ve got them all decked out in their spiffy new school uniforms, organised all school books, enrolled them in various sports, bought a house, prepared our old home for resale, bought cars, organised health insurance, met a kajillion new people…  and the list goes on… and on.

There’ve been countless moments in recent weeks where I’ve felt anything but calm, clear headed and on top of my game. It’s been a challenging time.   Of course all challenges are relative but I think in the scheme of life’s challenges, uprooting from a very established community, career and life, to resettle on the other side of the globe is up there on the list.

I’m delighted to say that every one of my kids have settled in superbly well. I’m enormously proud of the young people they are, and optimistic for the adults they will each become: resilient, confident, outgoing, quick to make friends, and open to new life experiences.

As for me, well, I’ve walked this path before. Moving to the U.S. (Dallas, Texas no less, “God Bless Ma LittleHearrrt”) with three young children three weeks after 9/11 was an experience of giving up the familiar, stepping into the unknown, and being unknown to all around me. It was tough. While I do have some friends and family here in Melbourne, for the large part I’m back to being relatively unknown again. Not only in the local community, but professionally. Yet while it’s a familiar path I’m walking, it’s not necessarily any easier to be walking it again.

I’ve written and spoken a lot on courageous leadership over recent years. Again and again I’ve said that how we see ourselves determines how others will come to see us. Of course building an identity in the eyes of strangers that is congruent with who we are, and the value we have to offer,  takes time, repeated exposures and consistency. But having moved a lot over my life, I know that when we show up in the world authentically, apply strategic effort toward our goals consistently, and do both with integrity, enthusiasm and courage, we ultimately meet with success. And then some.

Maintaining a strong sense of self, purposeful and positive in challenging times isn’t easy. Right now my daily runs are keeping stress and overwhelm at bay. So too are my morning lattes and evening glass of wine. Taking time to recenter each day (if not several times each day) helps in those moments when self-doubt rise up and threaten to pull us down. Rather than succumb to the doubts, we’re better able to recognize them for what they are (no more than F.E.A.R – False Evidence Appearing Real), to beat them back into submission, take a few deep breaths and then resume being the person that I aspire to be – purposeful, courageous, optimistic and resilient!   Profile and platform, profit and professional success will follow in due course, in their own time… even if not always in ours

My ever calm husband Andrew told me last night that I need to be more patient  (never one of my stronger virtues.)  My dear friend and fellow coach-extraordinaire Suzi Pomerantz encouraged me this morning to cut myself some slack. And as I write this blog, my own inner coach (whom I just call God but you may have another name) reminds me to give myself permission in the weeks ahead to catch my breath, and take some time to get my feet firmly planted on the ground of this wonderful sunburnt country. My metric for success isn’t about how quickly I can get my business back up to 100 mph but how much I can enjoy the experience of learning how to blossom in a new garden… a truly global garden.

I hope that in all these thoughts there is a lesson for you also. Maybe a couple. Regardless of whether you are riding a professional high right now, struggling to rise above an unforeseen hurdle, or just busy trying to keep all the balls in your life airborne, I encourage you to take a moment to ask yourself these three questions:
1. Where do you need to cut yourself some more slack?
2. How might the story you have about yourself be undermining the identity you create for others?
3. How can you embrace change in your life with a greater sense of curiosity and adventure?

For every thing there is a season. Be patient with the universe. Be kind to yourself. Be open to whatever lessons your life is currently trying to teach you.

Until my next quiet moment, life and lead bravely.

(And while you are doing that, I might just go get myself a pedicure. Can’t go off to all those networking coffees with unkept feet now can I?

Related posts:

1. Moving to Australia… Changes Abound!
2. “New Year, New… Hemisphere!”
3. Is Uncertainty Causing You Anguish? Time to shift perspective
4. Life’s Interruptions: Are You Making the Most of Them?
5. A time for Audacity, not Austerity… and some Tall Poppy Courage!
6. The single biggest factor that holds people back…

The packers arrive today. They will bring boxes, tape, paper…  lots of it.

In a few days my life as I know it will be packed away and loaded into a container bound for Australia.

I know moving back to Australia will be wonderful on many fronts. But there is something about the very nature of change that makes it difficult, even when it’s change we choose and change that holds much to look forward to.

The photo above is one that I took of a former village consumed by the sands of the Sahara Dessert in southern Algeria many years ago. It’s message: Nothing is permanent.

The fact is that all change, even change for the better, is hard. Sure as one chapter closes, another begins. But there’s something about the closing that brings up a sense of loss, grief even.

I’ve felt an abundance of mixed emotions since my husband and I decided to move back to Melbourne earlier last month.

None of them are bad. Though some haven’t felt so good.
I’ve felt sad at leaving so many friends whom I’ve grown to love so much.
I’ve felt anxious about choosing the right place to live, and getting my kids into great schools.
I’ve felt overwhelmed at the thousand things we’ve had to do to close down our life here and set it up there.
I’ve felt delighted about living close to the beach, and closer to my parents, brothers and sisters.
I’ve felt touched by the outpouring of love from our friends as they’ve shared how much they will miss us.
I’ve felt perplexed by the fact that some really cool opportunities in TV-land have come just as I’m getting ready to go.
I’ve felt scared that maybe I will never have life so good again.
And I’ve felt excited about the opportunities that I will create in Australia… opportunities I’ve yet had time to even imagine. Haven’t had the time!

I know that I am not my emotions. I also know that every emotion is valid in its own right. I don’t have to let my emotions consume me. I don’t ‘have to let them dictate who I will be, or let them set up permanent residence in my psyche.

Every time I’ve felt any of these emotions listed above, plus many more I won’t even list, I’ve done my best to acknowledge it, sat with it, and try to embrace it. A few tears have been shed along the way.  I know that life is a roller coaster of emotions and right now, with so much going on in my life, the roller coaster is at full tilt!

Amazing new adventures await. Yet I know the next few months  won’t all be easy. Learning the ropes of my kids new schools, relearning my way around our old city, getting set up with new orthodontists and sitters and hair dresses. Mundane stuff like that can sometimes be taxing. Then, come later in March when those containers arrive off the ship, unpacking them into the home we hope to find in the interim.

The funny thing is that had I not said YES to moving to America in in 2001, with three tiny babies (and to Dallas no less!!), I would never have come to experience all that I have here. And so I know that while change can be hard, even change we choose, it is also ripe in opportunity and the experiences which make life rich.

As I’ve said previously, I am not leaving the US forever. In fact I will probably be back here within a couple months to speak at conferences and events. But when I step foot in America next time, it will be as a visitor, not as a resident. And something about that new reality will feel strange. Not bad. Not good. Just different.

Such is change, right?

Whatever changes you have coming your way in the year ahead, I wish for you to know that whatever their nature, you have all the courage, resilience and resourcefulness within you to meet them. One day, one hour, and some days, one minute at a time.

The photo above of the former village in the Sahara being consumed be sand tells a profound and timeless message. Nothing is permanent.

And so it is.

Life boldly, lead bravely, love deeply.

Related posts:

1. “New Year, New… Hemisphere!”
2. Need to cut yourself some slack? Staying upright when life throws you off balance.
3. Wisdom from Sorrow, Lessons from Loss… the Gift of Sadness.
4. How powerful are you? Become Your Own Super Hero.
5. Is Uncertainty Causing You Anguish? Time to shift perspective
6. Neuro-Plasticity: Want To Outsmart Your Brain?

The new year has begun precariously for many.  We continue to hear about the austerity measures that individuals and entire countries around the world must take  to get back on track.  But is it austerity that we need or is it really audacity… and a little “Tall Poppy Courage” that’s going to make the vital difference in creating a better future?

Last night in New York I had dinner with Phil Scanlan, Australia’s Counsel General to the United States, and his wonderful wife Julia. It was an honor. The conversation was rich and diverse as we discussed my experience of living in the US for the last decade, my impending return to live in Australia and, in light of all the changes and challenges around the globe, opportunities to contribute to building further alliances between the US and Australia and empowering a new generation of young leaders.  We also touched on Australia’s “Tall Poppy Syndrome”,  a cultural phenomena in Australia likely born from our convict ancestry and fueled by a desire for egalitariasm. Over the generations it has evolved into a tendency for Australian’s to bring back down to earth anyone they felt might be getting too big for themselves.  Unfortunately it’s also likey stymied many from pursuing their dreams with the gusto and daring needed to achieve them.But I believe passionately that to lead the lives we are capable of – rich in contribution, daring and purpose – we must first be willing to stand out from the crowd . After all, how can we expect to have outstanding success if we aren’t first willing to stand out? And never has there been a more important time for us to be willing to step out, stand out and challenge “status-quo” thinking.  To risk being a Tall Poppy. Locally, globally, daily.

Margaret Thatcher once said, “You cannot lead from the crowd.”  She would know. We cannot lead others by walking the path of safety.  Nor can we lead ourselves the same way. As the global economy vacillates between signs of recovery and omens of collapse, I strongly believe the world will be served far better when people like you, and me, and the leaders we elect and follow, act with greater “Tall Poppy Courage.”

In every adversity lies opportunity. But it takes boldness, audacity and courage to extract it. In our personal lives, and the challenges we face in our relationships, our finance,  family and faith.  In our professional lives, and the challenges we face in our jobs, our industry, and the economy at large.  More than they require playing safe, they demand taking risks.

Now is a time for audacity, not austerity.  Are you willing to risk it?  More so, can you afford not to?

Live Boldly, Lead Bravely!

Related posts:

1. Got Tall Poppy Courage?
2. Choosing courage in fearful times
3. How powerful are you? Become Your Own Super Hero.
4. Authenticity: Are you sometimes afraid to be yourself?
5. Do you allow yourself to be intimidated?
6. “Working hard at work worth doing.” Are you?

Plenty of change lies ahead in 2012.  For you. For me. For people around the globe. That you will experience changes, and need to face new challenges, is a given. Whether your experience of them is one of wonder or terror, enthusiasm or despair, is a choice.  So when it comes to the spirit in which you will step into the year ahead, where is your life in 2012 calling on you to be more courageous?

You’ve likely experienced it yourself: Brimming with resolve on December 31^st as you boldly declare the goals and changes you plan to make in the year ahead, and by January 31st that resolve is evaporated into the crisp winter air, nowhere to be found.

New Year Resolutions? Bah Humbug. What knucklehead came up with the idea anyway?!

There’s a reason less than 10% of people ever see their new year’s resolutions into reality and end up stuck in the same ruts year after year:  Change is difficult.  Heck, if it were easy to keep our resolve, and stick with the changes we commit to making as we sip champagne on New Year’s Eve, we’d all be meditating daily, looking svelte in our jeans, drinking a gallon of water daily, snacking on raw veggies and free of credit card debt.  The truth is that we all have the ability to make important changes in our life, and to keep our New Year’s Resolutions (assuming, that is, that we didn’t make them in a drunken stupor).  The problem is that we often lack the strategies needed to see them through.

I’ve got a L-O-T of change ahead in 2012.  Moving to a new country (Australia, here I come!). Finding and setting up a new home. Managing my business across two hemispheres. Settling my four kids into new schools. Making new friends.  Building new business networks. And in the midst of it all, enjoying the process (i.e., not getting stuck in “overwhelm”), staying fit(-ish), and finishing the book I embarked upon in 2011. Yep, when it comes to life changes, my cup runneth over in 2012!

There’s a science to success when it comes to achieving goals and making important life changes.   Using the right strategies can make the vital difference between optimism and overwhelm, productivity and procrastination, resignation and resilience… success and failure!  So I hope that as I do my best to “walk my talk” in 2012, that you will find the 8 strategies below helpful in making the changes and taking the chances you want to make in the months ahead… purposefully, powerfully and courageously!

8 Strategies to Successful Changes in 2012 and far far beyond!

1.   Connect to Core Values. Most people like the idea of looking better, getting richer and feeling happier.  But if you are going to stick with a resolution that requires changing a long-held habit of thought or action, it has to go beyond superficial desires and connect with your deepest values. When you have a deeper sense of purpose, it compels you to dig deep when the going gets tough and stay the course – no matter what hurdles you have to jump.

2. Be Specific.   Resolutions to ‘eat better, get fitter, be happier, relax more or have better life balance’ are doomed for failure because they lack specificity. The more specific you are, the more likely you will be able to succeed.   Describe your goals and resolutions in ways that allow you to track your progress and measure your success.

3.   Design Your Environment. Your environment can be a powerful source of support.  It can also be equally powerful in sabotaging your resolve if you don’t attend to it. Create a progress chart, enlist the help of family or friends to hold you accountable, hire a trainer, create a blog.  Design your environment so that it’s hard NOT to do what you resolved to do. I always lay my workout gear beside my bed at night to make it that little bit easier to get dressed when my alarm goes off at 5:30am.  I also enlist my husband, who gets up at 5:15 (yes, he’s even less sane than me) to make sure I don’t press snooze!

4. Center Your Resolve. Being ambitious is great. But trying to do too many things at once can make you so unfocused that you just bounce around like Tigger. Besides, you have the rest of the year to pursue other goals and changes. Set yourself up for success and start with just one major undertaking come January 1^st.   Then break that goal down into small bite size steps.  Small steps, strong start!

5.   Write it Down. Don’t just think it, ink it!  A Stanford study found that when people wrote down their goal, it increased their odds of accomplishing it by over 70%.   But don’t just write down the specific goal, write down how you will feel when you’ve accomplished it.  When you have finished penning your desires, jot down on sticky pads the words that inspire you most about your goal and put them around your home/office to remind you of why you are committed to doing what it takes to bring your goal into reality.

6. Reframe Failure. Your failures will not define your success in the year ahead, but how you respond to them will. Social conditioning too often leads us to believe that if you fail you should go home, hide your dreams under your bed, and never let them see daylight again. Don’t make a failure mean more than it does. You tried something, it didn’t work out as you wanted. Period. Reflect on the lesson your failure offers, making adjustments accordingly, then tap your inner John Wayne:  saddle up again and climb back on your horse!

7. Focus on the process. Psychologists have found that it takes at least 30 days to firmly establish a new habit of thought or behavior. It’s easy to get caught up in an initial wave of enthusiasm, certain that your efforts will meet with early success, only to come crashing down when they don’t.  Rather than focus purely on the goal, direct your attention toward becoming masterful in the activity or process that takes you toward it.  For instance, if you want to become more fit, focus on being able to jog a little bit further every time you go for a walk, rather than being able to run 5 miles by day five. Remember, small steps. If you stick with the process and embrace the learning that process entails, you will meet with success. Promise!

8. Do One Thing Every Day.   Make a commitment that every single day you will do one thing, however small it may seem, in the direction of your vision.  Okay, so you didn’t get to the gym like you’d planned.  How about 5 minutes of stretching?  Life rewards action.  And while some actions may not seem all that significant, when you take any action that serves your greatest good, it sends a message to your sub-conscious that you are still in the game, and that change is still in progress (however slowly).

Making changes to any aspect of your life demands focused effort, perseverance, and a good measure of boldness. But no more than already you have within you, just waiting to be channeled toward an endeavor that truly inspires you.  As I pursue my goal to spread my message of courage more widely around the globe, I challenge you to step beyond the doubts, excuses and stories that have kept you from experiencing the best of who you are, trusting in yourself more deeply, and boldly stepping into a future that honors your greatness.

Related posts:

1. Will 2012 be your year of living boldly? Here’s to New Year’s Resolve that Sticks!
2. “New Year, New… Hemisphere!”
3. Got Tall Poppy Courage?
4. Are Your Goals for 2010 BIG Enough?
5. What would the courageous version of you do?
6. Find Your Courage: 5 Simple Steps to Stop Fear From Running Your Life

Yes, I’m moving!

Moving kids. Moving house. Moving state. Moving country. Moving hemisphere!

Down Under!

After a decade living and thriving and LOVING the USA, I’m heading back to my homeland, back to my ‘hometown’ of Melbourne. Closer to Grandpa’s farm, closer to cousins, closer to the beach!

Weeks after 9/11 when I moved with my husband and three very young children to Texas, I thought we’d be in the US for just a short time. Ten years (and one Texan – our 4^th child) later I’ve become so at home in America that I feel like I’m leaving one home to move to another.  After all, I have only lived in Melbourne briefly since heading off to  live in Papua New Guinea 17 years ago.

I’m guessing you’re surprised.   Well let me tell you, so am I!

Basically my husband got a job offer he simply could not refuse! While it’s likely we will only be back there for a few years, who knows? Right now I’m keeping focused on the year right ahead.  As of today, I have one month to pack up my home, sell and give away lots of “Stuff,” find a new home, and, of course, say farewell to our many fabulous friends before we catch that plane.

But don’t worry, I WILL BE BACK!

Regularly!  The irony did not escape me that he day after we decided to make this move, I was asked to speak at three conferences across the US in 2012 and firmed up a meeting to contribute to a national TV show that will air next year. So I think its fair to say, if you live in America, you haven’t seen the last of me yet!  I’ve gone global!

I have long thought of myself as a Global Citizen. Yes, I’m Australian by birth, passport and accent. But borders are easier to cross, air miles easier to accrue, and people easier to connect with than ever before.

Of course my passion for empowering people to live courageous lives never wavers. In fact, if anything, as I spread my wings to the other side of the globe, I feel more strongly than ever about the importance of living courageously in a climate that has become so fearful. I truly believe there has never been a more important time to discern those fears that are serving us from those that are stifling us, to refuse to buy into dogma that drives us to create barriers rather than bridges, and to resist pressures to play safe, think small, stick with the status quo and settle for less from ourselves, and life, than serves us.

There’s no doubt about it, lots of change lies ahead for me in 2012. But I also know that nothing is truly permanent and that life’s biggest changes, also present its greatest opportunities. So, with that said, I embrace the words of Helen Keller that have always inspired me so much:

“Life is a daring adventure or nothing!”

Indeed it is. New Year, New Hemisphere… New Adventures await!  This next chapter will undoubtedly involve more sun, surf and sand. Likely a few more swear words too (those bloody Aussies love to swear!)

I look forward to you joining me on my life adventure as I continue my life’s work in supporting you in yours.

In the meanwhile, wishing you a very Merry Christmas and a bold and bodacious start to the year ahead.

Related posts:

1. Moving to Australia… Changes Abound!
2. Will 2012 be your year of living boldly? Here’s to New Year’s Resolve that Sticks!
3. Need to cut yourself some slack? Staying upright when life throws you off balance.
4. What world will you inhabit a decade from now?
5. A year ago today and what I’ve learned since
6. What courageous changes will you make in 2012?