The packers arrive today. They will bring boxes, tape, paper…  lots of it.

In a few days my life as I know it will be packed away and loaded into a container bound for Australia.

I know moving back to Australia will be wonderful on many fronts. But there is something about the very nature of change that makes it difficult, even when it’s change we choose and change that holds much to look forward to.

The photo above is one that I took of a former village consumed by the sands of the Sahara Dessert in southern Algeria many years ago. It’s message: Nothing is permanent.

The fact is that all change, even change for the better, is hard. Sure as one chapter closes, another begins. But there’s something about the closing that brings up a sense of loss, grief even.

I’ve felt an abundance of mixed emotions since my husband and I decided to move back to Melbourne earlier last month.

None of them are bad. Though some haven’t felt so good.
I’ve felt sad at leaving so many friends whom I’ve grown to love so much.
I’ve felt anxious about choosing the right place to live, and getting my kids into great schools.
I’ve felt overwhelmed at the thousand things we’ve had to do to close down our life here and set it up there.
I’ve felt delighted about living close to the beach, and closer to my parents, brothers and sisters.
I’ve felt touched by the outpouring of love from our friends as they’ve shared how much they will miss us.
I’ve felt perplexed by the fact that some really cool opportunities in TV-land have come just as I’m getting ready to go.
I’ve felt scared that maybe I will never have life so good again.
And I’ve felt excited about the opportunities that I will create in Australia… opportunities I’ve yet had time to even imagine. Haven’t had the time!

I know that I am not my emotions. I also know that every emotion is valid in its own right. I don’t have to let my emotions consume me. I don’t ‘have to let them dictate who I will be, or let them set up permanent residence in my psyche.

Every time I’ve felt any of these emotions listed above, plus many more I won’t even list, I’ve done my best to acknowledge it, sat with it, and try to embrace it. A few tears have been shed along the way.  I know that life is a roller coaster of emotions and right now, with so much going on in my life, the roller coaster is at full tilt!

Amazing new adventures await. Yet I know the next few months  won’t all be easy. Learning the ropes of my kids new schools, relearning my way around our old city, getting set up with new orthodontists and sitters and hair dresses. Mundane stuff like that can sometimes be taxing. Then, come later in March when those containers arrive off the ship, unpacking them into the home we hope to find in the interim.

The funny thing is that had I not said YES to moving to America in in 2001, with three tiny babies (and to Dallas no less!!), I would never have come to experience all that I have here. And so I know that while change can be hard, even change we choose, it is also ripe in opportunity and the experiences which make life rich.

As I’ve said previously, I am not leaving the US forever. In fact I will probably be back here within a couple months to speak at conferences and events. But when I step foot in America next time, it will be as a visitor, not as a resident. And something about that new reality will feel strange. Not bad. Not good. Just different.

Such is change, right?

Whatever changes you have coming your way in the year ahead, I wish for you to know that whatever their nature, you have all the courage, resilience and resourcefulness within you to meet them. One day, one hour, and some days, one minute at a time.

The photo above of the former village in the Sahara being consumed be sand tells a profound and timeless message. Nothing is permanent.

And so it is.

Life boldly, lead bravely, love deeply.

Related posts:

1. “New Year, New… Hemisphere!”
2. Wisdom from Sorrow, Lessons from Loss… the Gift of Sadness.
3. How powerful are you? Become Your Own Super Hero.
4. Is Uncertainty Causing You Anguish? Time to shift perspective
5. Neuro-Plasticity: Want To Outsmart Your Brain?
6. Procrastination: How is it costing you?

The new year has begun precariously for many.  We continue to hear about the austerity measures that individuals and entire countries around the world must take  to get back on track.  But is it austerity that we need or is it really audacity… and a little “Tall Poppy Courage” that’s going to make the vital difference in creating a better future?

Last night in New York I had dinner with Phil Scanlan, Australia’s Counsel General to the United States, and his wonderful wife Julia. It was an honor. The conversation was rich and diverse as we discussed my experience of living in the US for the last decade, my impending return to live in Australia and, in light of all the changes and challenges around the globe, opportunities to contribute to building further alliances between the US and Australia and empowering a new generation of young leaders.  We also touched on Australia’s “Tall Poppy Syndrome”,  a cultural phenomena in Australia likely born from our convict ancestry and fueled by a desire for egalitariasm. Over the generations it has evolved into a tendency for Australian’s to bring back down to earth anyone they felt might be getting too big for themselves.  Unfortunately it’s also likey stymied many from pursuing their dreams with the gusto and daring needed to achieve them.But I believe passionately that to lead the lives we are capable of – rich in contribution, daring and purpose – we must first be willing to stand out from the crowd . After all, how can we expect to have outstanding success if we aren’t first willing to stand out? And never has there been a more important time for us to be willing to step out, stand out and challenge “status-quo” thinking.  To risk being a Tall Poppy. Locally, globally, daily.

Margaret Thatcher once said, “You cannot lead from the crowd.”  She would know. We cannot lead others by walking the path of safety.  Nor can we lead ourselves the same way. As the global economy vacillates between signs of recovery and omens of collapse, I strongly believe the world will be served far better when people like you, and me, and the leaders we elect and follow, act with greater “Tall Poppy Courage.”

In every adversity lies opportunity. But it takes boldness, audacity and courage to extract it. In our personal lives, and the challenges we face in our relationships, our finance,  family and faith.  In our professional lives, and the challenges we face in our jobs, our industry, and the economy at large.  More than they require playing safe, they demand taking risks.

Now is a time for audacity, not austerity.  Are you willing to risk it?  More so, can you afford not to?

Live Boldly, Lead Bravely!

Related posts:

1. Got Tall Poppy Courage?
2. Choosing courage in fearful times
3. How powerful are you? Become Your Own Super Hero.
4. Authenticity: Are you sometimes afraid to be yourself?
5. Do you allow yourself to be intimidated?
6. “Working hard at work worth doing.” Are you?

Plenty of change lies ahead in 2012.  For you. For me. For people around the globe. That you will experience changes, and need to face new challenges, is a given. Whether your experience of them is one of wonder or terror, enthusiasm or despair, is a choice.  So when it comes to the spirit in which you will step into the year ahead, where is your life in 2012 calling on you to be more courageous?

You’ve likely experienced it yourself: Brimming with resolve on December 31^st as you boldly declare the goals and changes you plan to make in the year ahead, and by January 31st that resolve is evaporated into the crisp winter air, nowhere to be found.

New Year Resolutions? Bah Humbug. What knucklehead came up with the idea anyway?!

There’s a reason less than 10% of people ever see their new year’s resolutions into reality and end up stuck in the same ruts year after year:  Change is difficult.  Heck, if it were easy to keep our resolve, and stick with the changes we commit to making as we sip champagne on New Year’s Eve, we’d all be meditating daily, looking svelte in our jeans, drinking a gallon of water daily, snacking on raw veggies and free of credit card debt.  The truth is that we all have the ability to make important changes in our life, and to keep our New Year’s Resolutions (assuming, that is, that we didn’t make them in a drunken stupor).  The problem is that we often lack the strategies needed to see them through.

I’ve got a L-O-T of change ahead in 2012.  Moving to a new country (Australia, here I come!). Finding and setting up a new home. Managing my business across two hemispheres. Settling my four kids into new schools. Making new friends.  Building new business networks. And in the midst of it all, enjoying the process (i.e., not getting stuck in “overwhelm”), staying fit(-ish), and finishing the book I embarked upon in 2011. Yep, when it comes to life changes, my cup runneth over in 2012!

There’s a science to success when it comes to achieving goals and making important life changes.   Using the right strategies can make the vital difference between optimism and overwhelm, productivity and procrastination, resignation and resilience… success and failure!  So I hope that as I do my best to “walk my talk” in 2012, that you will find the 8 strategies below helpful in making the changes and taking the chances you want to make in the months ahead… purposefully, powerfully and courageously!

8 Strategies to Successful Changes in 2012 and far far beyond!

1.   Connect to Core Values. Most people like the idea of looking better, getting richer and feeling happier.  But if you are going to stick with a resolution that requires changing a long-held habit of thought or action, it has to go beyond superficial desires and connect with your deepest values. When you have a deeper sense of purpose, it compels you to dig deep when the going gets tough and stay the course – no matter what hurdles you have to jump.

2. Be Specific.   Resolutions to ‘eat better, get fitter, be happier, relax more or have better life balance’ are doomed for failure because they lack specificity. The more specific you are, the more likely you will be able to succeed.   Describe your goals and resolutions in ways that allow you to track your progress and measure your success.

3.   Design Your Environment. Your environment can be a powerful source of support.  It can also be equally powerful in sabotaging your resolve if you don’t attend to it. Create a progress chart, enlist the help of family or friends to hold you accountable, hire a trainer, create a blog.  Design your environment so that it’s hard NOT to do what you resolved to do. I always lay my workout gear beside my bed at night to make it that little bit easier to get dressed when my alarm goes off at 5:30am.  I also enlist my husband, who gets up at 5:15 (yes, he’s even less sane than me) to make sure I don’t press snooze!

4. Center Your Resolve. Being ambitious is great. But trying to do too many things at once can make you so unfocused that you just bounce around like Tigger. Besides, you have the rest of the year to pursue other goals and changes. Set yourself up for success and start with just one major undertaking come January 1^st.   Then break that goal down into small bite size steps.  Small steps, strong start!

5.   Write it Down. Don’t just think it, ink it!  A Stanford study found that when people wrote down their goal, it increased their odds of accomplishing it by over 70%.   But don’t just write down the specific goal, write down how you will feel when you’ve accomplished it.  When you have finished penning your desires, jot down on sticky pads the words that inspire you most about your goal and put them around your home/office to remind you of why you are committed to doing what it takes to bring your goal into reality.

6. Reframe Failure. Your failures will not define your success in the year ahead, but how you respond to them will. Social conditioning too often leads us to believe that if you fail you should go home, hide your dreams under your bed, and never let them see daylight again. Don’t make a failure mean more than it does. You tried something, it didn’t work out as you wanted. Period. Reflect on the lesson your failure offers, making adjustments accordingly, then tap your inner John Wayne:  saddle up again and climb back on your horse!

7. Focus on the process. Psychologists have found that it takes at least 30 days to firmly establish a new habit of thought or behavior. It’s easy to get caught up in an initial wave of enthusiasm, certain that your efforts will meet with early success, only to come crashing down when they don’t.  Rather than focus purely on the goal, direct your attention toward becoming masterful in the activity or process that takes you toward it.  For instance, if you want to become more fit, focus on being able to jog a little bit further every time you go for a walk, rather than being able to run 5 miles by day five. Remember, small steps. If you stick with the process and embrace the learning that process entails, you will meet with success. Promise!

8. Do One Thing Every Day.   Make a commitment that every single day you will do one thing, however small it may seem, in the direction of your vision.  Okay, so you didn’t get to the gym like you’d planned.  How about 5 minutes of stretching?  Life rewards action.  And while some actions may not seem all that significant, when you take any action that serves your greatest good, it sends a message to your sub-conscious that you are still in the game, and that change is still in progress (however slowly).

Making changes to any aspect of your life demands focused effort, perseverance, and a good measure of boldness. But no more than already you have within you, just waiting to be channeled toward an endeavor that truly inspires you.  As I pursue my goal to spread my message of courage more widely around the globe, I challenge you to step beyond the doubts, excuses and stories that have kept you from experiencing the best of who you are, trusting in yourself more deeply, and boldly stepping into a future that honors your greatness.

Related posts:

1. Will 2012 be your year of living boldly? Here’s to New Year’s Resolve that Sticks!
2. “New Year, New… Hemisphere!”
3. Got Tall Poppy Courage?
4. Are Your Goals for 2010 BIG Enough?
5. What would the courageous version of you do?
6. Find Your Courage: 5 Simple Steps to Stop Fear From Running Your Life

Yes, I’m moving!

Moving kids. Moving house. Moving state. Moving country. Moving hemisphere!

Down Under!

After a decade living and thriving and LOVING the USA, I’m heading back to my homeland, back to my ‘hometown’ of Melbourne. Closer to Grandpa’s farm, closer to cousins, closer to the beach!

Weeks after 9/11 when I moved with my husband and three very young children to Texas, I thought we’d be in the US for just a short time. Ten years (and one Texan – our 4^th child) later I’ve become so at home in America that I feel like I’m leaving one home to move to another.  After all, I have only lived in Melbourne briefly since heading off to  live in Papua New Guinea 17 years ago.

I’m guessing you’re surprised.   Well let me tell you, so am I!

Basically my husband got a job offer he simply could not refuse! While it’s likely we will only be back there for a few years, who knows? Right now I’m keeping focused on the year right ahead.  As of today, I have one month to pack up my home, sell and give away lots of “Stuff,” find a new home, and, of course, say farewell to our many fabulous friends before we catch that plane.

But don’t worry, I WILL BE BACK!

Regularly!  The irony did not escape me that he day after we decided to make this move, I was asked to speak at three conferences across the US in 2012 and firmed up a meeting to contribute to a national TV show that will air next year. So I think its fair to say, if you live in America, you haven’t seen the last of me yet!  I’ve gone global!

I have long thought of myself as a Global Citizen. Yes, I’m Australian by birth, passport and accent. But borders are easier to cross, air miles easier to accrue, and people easier to connect with than ever before.

Of course my passion for empowering people to live courageous lives never wavers. In fact, if anything, as I spread my wings to the other side of the globe, I feel more strongly than ever about the importance of living courageously in a climate that has become so fearful. I truly believe there has never been a more important time to discern those fears that are serving us from those that are stifling us, to refuse to buy into dogma that drives us to create barriers rather than bridges, and to resist pressures to play safe, think small, stick with the status quo and settle for less from ourselves, and life, than serves us.

There’s no doubt about it, lots of change lies ahead for me in 2012. But I also know that nothing is truly permanent and that life’s biggest changes, also present its greatest opportunities. So, with that said, I embrace the words of Helen Keller that have always inspired me so much:

“Life is a daring adventure or nothing!”

Indeed it is. New Year, New Hemisphere… New Adventures await!  This next chapter will undoubtedly involve more sun, surf and sand. Likely a few more swear words too (those bloody Aussies love to swear!)

I look forward to you joining me on my life adventure as I continue my life’s work in supporting you in yours.

In the meanwhile, wishing you a very Merry Christmas and a bold and bodacious start to the year ahead.

Related posts:

1. Moving to Australia… Changes Abound!
2. Will 2012 be your year of living boldly? Here’s to New Year’s Resolve that Sticks!
3. A year ago today and what I’ve learned since
4. What courageous changes will you make in 2012?
5. Is Uncertainty Causing You Anguish? Time to shift perspective
6. Neuro-Plasticity: Want To Outsmart Your Brain?

I have met many clever people over the years… people who have made a lot of money, with  more letters after their names than are in mine, with fancy titles and impressive resumes. I have met far fewer truly wise people.

Our society puts tremendous value on cleverness. But having spent considerable time with many super (IQ) smart people I’ve come to learn that cleverness as measured by IQ scores and bank balances has very little to do with wisdom and even less to do with genuine happiness.

Living in an age of information overload there is a lot of pressure on people to accumulate more knowledge; to become more learned, more knowledgeable, more clever! Man, I could spend my entire life just trying to take in all the information that comes at me every day just in my email without ever even opening a book! So with all this access to information, to knowledge and supposed cleverness, it’s more important than ever to ask ourselves, “Knowledge for the sake of what?”

A very wise man called Julio Olalla, and the founder of ontological coaching (whom I have had the fortune to learn from) once said, “We are too full of answers to questions we have never asked.”

What is the point of knowledge unless it is to help us answer profound questions about why we are here on earth, what the meaning of our lives is and how we can live them with greater purpose, deeper passion, connectedness and fulfillment?

Reframing Our “Problems” Through Questions Rather Than Answers

Doing the work that I do (not that I think of it as work), I meet a lot of people who feel stuck, frustrated and disatisfied in some way, shape or form. They share their struggle, their confusion, their anger, their resentment, their despair, their problems. They often also share their theory on why they have found themselves in the situation they are in; why their problems came to be. And I must admit, sometimes their theories are very clever and filled with vocabulary that has me scrambling for my dictionary. They often have all the answers except the one to the question “So if I’m so bloody smart, how come I have this problem?”

As Albert Einstein once said, “Problems cannot be solved at the same level of thinking at which they were created.”

I couldn’t agree more! But the way to get to a higher and more evolved level of thinking is not by having the smartest answers. After all your smartest answers landed you the problems you have. Rather it’s by asking smarter questions. You see the “problem” doesn’t exist out there; the problem exists in us by the way we are viewing it.

Our Problems Reside In Us

The broken down car does not have a problem. We have a problem when we are stuck by the road without a way to get to work on time. By seeing that our problems reside in us, it allows us to step back and observe them from a fresh and heightened perspective. You see we are always going to be faced with problems. All the knowledge in the world won’t change that. So the way I see it, the only way to address them is to be willing to look at how we are viewing them, to challenge our “stories” about them and to ask questions that have us looking at them differently.

As Julio Olalla also once said “Mastery of life is not the absence of problems. It’s mastery of problems.” That you have problems is not the problem. The problem arises the moment you think you shouldn’t have them. Once again, the problem exists in you.

By having the humility to acknowledge how little you know and the courage to challenge all that you think you already do know (a focus in my book Find Your Courage!), you open the door to wisdom. So on that note here are a few questions to ponder. Some may apply perfectly to your “problems” (as you see them) right now. Others less so. But by taking a moment to reflect on these questions it will help you see your problems from a new level of thinking and hopefully lead you to answers that have you facing your challenges and living your life with greater wisdom. If you would like, get my one page handout out of these questions (plus over a dozen more) to refer to as new “problems” come along.

• Is there a pattern to this problem? How has my way of dealing with this problem perpetuated this pattern?
• What conversation do I know I need to have that I’m putting off? Why? At what cost?
• Am I trying to force an outcome? Why am I meeting such resistance? What do I need to let go of?
• What is the deeper learning for me to gain from this problem/challenge?
• Who do I need to be to rise to the challenge that lies before me?
• What emotions am I failing to acknowledge fully? How is this undermining my ability to address the situation effectively?
• Am I genuinely happy? If not, why not? What unfulfilled needs are undermining my contentedness?
• What assumptions I am making about a person or problem that may simply be invalid?
• Am I pretending something is okay that I intuitively know isn’t?
• Where am I letting other peoples’ opinions determine my choices and run my life? Why do I care so much about what they think?
• Does my future inspire me? If not, what future would?
• When I look back on my life, what might I regret more than anything else not having tried to do?

Remember, it’s okay not to have all the answers. What matters most is your willingness to sit with the questions. Who knows the wisdom that you might stumble upon along the way?

Related posts:

1. Got More Answers than Questions?
2. Is Uncertainty Causing You Anguish? Time to shift perspective
3. The Power of Optimism: 7 Strategies for Becoming a Glass Half-Full Person
4. Are your problems big enough? No really. . . are they?!
5. A year ago today and what I’ve learned since
6. A time for Audacity, not Austerity… and some Tall Poppy Courage!

2011 has been a difficult year for many people. Perhaps for you also.  The reality is that throughout our lives, there will be times where we have to dig deep into ourselves, rise above our fears and doubts, and make courageous decisions.

Obviously that is easier said than done. So often we know what it is we want or need to do, but we lack the confidence and courage to do it.  What if we fail? What if we make a git of ourselves in front of others? What if it leads to conflict, or confrontation or change beyond anything we’ve ever had to deal with before?

We all struggle with self-doubt and fear in different shapes and forms. What matters most is how we respond to it –  whether we choose the path of courage or safety; inspiration or mediocrity; possibility or probability.

Once a year I do a special holiday offer (details below) because I believe that the end of a year, and beginning of a new year, is an ideal time to re-evaluate how we are living our lives, the choices we are making and the path we are taking. I have received hundreds of emails over the last few years from people saying that Find Your Courage has helped them to make courageous decisions in their careers, relationships and lives that they  had been putting off for too long.  What I know for sure is that once we have learnt how to find our inner courage, anything is possible.

More information or to purchase the Holiday Offer for yourself or a friend visit http://margiewarrell.com/mwproducts/

Whether you need to be more courageous in saying no, speaking up, managing conflict or navigating changes, Find Your Courage and all the products in this holiday offer will give you the practical strategies and inspiration to do so. My 2011 Holiday Pack includes:

◦   A personally autographed copy of Find Your Courage (Amazon Best-Seller and Best Book Awards Winner)

◦   A personally autographed copy of Discover Your Inner Strengths (Co-authored with Stephen Covey!)

◦   The Courageous Conversations Challenge! eCoaching program (a 7 week audio program to help you have the conversations that you’ve been avoiding, ask for what you want more powerfully and become a more powerful communicator)

This is a $133 value, which can be yours today for only $49.

Make 2012 your year for living bold and being brave!

More information at http://margiewarrell.com/mwproducts/

My apologies if you are living outside the US or Canada. But due to shipping times this offer only extends to residents in North America.

Related posts:

1. The One Gift That Matters Most This Holiday Season
2. Presents and Presence This Holiday Season
3. Wisdom from Sorrow, Lessons from Loss… the Gift of Sadness.
4. A time for Audacity, not Austerity… and some Tall Poppy Courage!
5. Choosing courage in fearful times
6. It’s Beef Tenderloin For Me This Thanksgiving

Of course Thanksgiving, and the festive holiday season it kicks off, can be a very stressful time for many people (way too many people in my mind!) The Martha Stewart-like images of happy families, dressed in the lastest holiday fashion, sitting around a decadently decorated table feasting joyfully on gourmet delights, create expectations that can never measure up to reality.

We get so busy-busy-busy ploughing through our long “To Do” lists all our hectic doing somehow hijacks who we are BEING. The result: we start feeling like something is missing from our lives. Instead of feeling gratitude for all that we have, many of us find ourselves focused on all that is missing. . . whether it be someone else to host Thanksgiving dinner, relatives who don’t drive us crazy, or the resources to recreate that glossy magazine cover in reality.

So my challenge to you this Thanksgiving holiday (and for those of you elsewhere around the globe, this festive season in general) is to take take a moment in your day, every day, to pause from all your doing, take a deep breath and consciously commit to letting go all your expectations about how it “should be”. In the space that opens up, you will be better able to graciously embrace the circumstances you find yourself in for all that they are, and for all that they aren’t. There is nothing that can shift your experience of stress as quickly as gratitude. That said, there are some other things you can do to create a more joy filled festive season. Here’s five below: 

Here are five strategies to help you ENJOY MORE, and STRESS LESS this holiday season:

1. Don’t “Should” On Yourself (or Let Others “Should” On You): Deciding upfront to let go the idea that your holiday will ever be postcard-perfect will free you up to enjoy it for all that it is, and for all that it isn’t! Drop all the “shoulds” and unrealistic expectations that only create stress, conflict and resentment — “we should all get along,” “the table should be decorated Martha Stewart style”, “we should all have fun,” “everyone should come home for the holidays”, “we should all give thoughtful gifts” …. and the list goes on. It’s our attachment to how things should be that causes the bulk of our holiday stress and upsets. If you let go having to have things be a certain way, it allows you to enjoy things just as they are.
2. Create New Traditions (& Turf Out Old Tired Ones): Be careful that you aren’t being a slave to tradition. Sometimes, traditions outgrow themselves. Just because “that’s how we’ve always done it” doesn’t mean you still should. Start a new tradition or, just for this year, break with the old one. We are cooking beef tenderloin for Thanksgiving lunch this year. Not because we don’t like the turkey tradition, but just because it’s quicker and easier to prepare and that suits us better this year. No right or wrong about parting way with tradition… even if just for a year.
3. Think Outside the (Gift) Box: The best presents are never the most expensive but the most thoughtful. Give someone a voucher for a massage, breakfast in bed or a night out at the movies and drinks afterward. And of course, spend wisely – you aren’t being generous spending money on others if you can’t afford it.
4. Express Gratitude More Generously: Like a sweet treat, expressing gratitude or just paying a compliment has a have a way of immediately lifting others’ spirits by bringing a smile to their face. Just think about whose day you brighten by taking a moment to appreciate today. Pick up the phone, send them a card, flick them an email… it takes only a little time in your day to give it but it can make a profound difference to the person you give it to.
5. Lighten Up, Laugh (at Yourself first), and Have Fun!: Make sure that in between working your way through your to-do list you make time for fun. Don your playful hat and look for simple ways to have fun,  at work and home. Hold silly contests like who has the most unfashionable holiday apparel. Play your golden oldies CDs at breakfast… or in the office (everyone has to bring in their own). Keep your ideas simple and focused on involving everyone and having a fun time.

So on that note I invite you to view this video to help you enjoy more, and stress less this Thanksgiving and holiday season.

Here’s to a Thanksgiving brimming with gratitude for all that you have, for all that you are and for all the people in your life. . . even the ones who press your buttons!

Related posts:

1. It’s Beef Tenderloin For Me This Thanksgiving
2. A Reflection on What Christmas Represents
3. Presents and Presence This Holiday Season
4. The One Gift That Matters Most This Holiday Season
5. Letting our kids (family & friends) walk their own path
6. Is Uncertainty Causing You Anguish? Time to shift perspective

There’s been a lot of focus in the media in recent weeks on both sexual harassment and sexual abuse, particularly surrounding the tragedy at Penn State. Both involve the interplay of sex and power, vulnerability and intimidation. Both are issues requiring courage. Both require more discussion than any blog post can provide, but I was to share my thoughts anyway.

ON SEXUAL ABUSE:

It goes without saying that it’s reprehensible for any human being to abuse another; much less an adult sexually abuse an innocent child. While we must enforce harsh laws to deter predators, the front line of attack on sexual abuse ultimately rests on the shoulders of parents. We have to help our children to understand three core things:

1. That no person is ever so powerful or important that they can’t tell us if they have acted inappropriately toward them
2. That we will always believe them, and
3. That there is nothing that they can ever do that they should feel ashamed about or that would ever make us ashamed of them. Period.

ON SEXUAL HARASSMENT:

As strongly as I feel about the evil of sexual abuse, this focus of this blog is on sexual harassment because it’s an issue so relevant to adults working in organizations today. Title VII of the U.S. Civil Rights Act says defines sexual harassment as “any unwelcome sexual advance or conduct on the job that create an intimidating, hostile or offensive working environment.” The problem is that what may be offensive to one person, is not necessarily offensive to another. The boundary is unclear; where’s the line between innocent flirting and having some fun, and outright harassment and intimidation?

Set clear boundaries

Even though the law may be unclear about where the boundary lie, we mustn’t. Whether it’s being sexually harassed by a person at work in an authority position relative to us, or to being bullied by a colleague of the same gender, we have a pivotal role to play in how a relationship unfolds. Or doesn’t.

What matters more than how anyone acts toward us is how we respond to them – however much power they weald relative to us.  We need to be mindful about what we may implicitly be communicating around what we will and will not tolerate, clear in setting firm boundaries when the need arises and, when our warnings go unheeded, courageous in speaking up and raising the issues with those in positions of higher authority who can intervene to address it.

I’ve had numerous experiences in professional settings where people have made comments or gestures toward me that had clear sexual undertones. I assumed they were trying to assess my interest or test my fidelity.   Which is why I have never taken any of the remarks overly offensively. It’s clearly been more about them than it has about me. That said, I’ve always been pretty clear in letting them know that, a) I’m not interested (assuming I wasn’t, which has been the case for 20+ years), and b) they better not try that again.

Too often victims of sexual harassment have become such because they have not had the courage to say “Cut it out!” at the first instance of a behavior they found offensive. When we do so it sends a clear message,  automatically shifts the dynamic, and goes a long way to warding off unwanted advances before they ever occur.

Take responsibility for what you may be unwittingly communicating

Numerous times I have witnessed people create a blurry line when it comes to the behavior they are willing to accept and tolerate to suit their own agenda.   While I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with making the most of what we have – whether it be a sharp wit, great smile or long legs – when that behavior sometimes attracts advances that cause us to feel harassed, we also need to take realize it’s a two way street. I’m all for women owning their femininity, and wearing clothes that make them feel great. However, we must also take responsibility for the messages we may be sending.

Of course there are genuine victims of sexual harassment.  But I believe that each of us – male and female – must also take personal responsibility for reflecting on how our “way of being” (or dressing, walking or talking…) might be implicitly communicating messages that subtly invite the behavior we wish to avoid.

Be more powerful than your fears

I’m not an expert of sexual harassment, but I do specialize in the role fear can have on human connection.   Before we become a victim to anyone else, we become a victim to our own fear. Fear that we are not ‘good enough’, fear of rocking the boat, being of judged harshly, rejection, missing out on future career opportunities, or of being undeserving of anything better. It’s these fears that so often, too often, drive people to tolerate the intolerable and accept the unacceptable.  The fact is, no one can intimidate you without your consent. You teach people how to treat you, and only when you are willing to step into your own power – and through the fears that drive you to settle and suffer – will you be again to gain the respect – from other and for yourself – which you really want.

I appreciate that this is far from a simple issue. I’m sure you have your own perspectives on this subject, and perhaps they differ to mine. So I’m curious, what’s your experience of sexual harassment? How did you handle it… or not handle it? And with the benefit of hindsight, how do you wish you had handled it differently?

It’s my hope that by opening up a candid discussion, it will help to create a world in which fewer people feel harassed, fewer people have the desire to harass, and more people feel powerful and courageous enough to stop it in its tracks at the first instance.

Related posts:

1. Get What You Want: 6 Tips To Make Bold Requests
2. Choosing courage in fearful times
3. Could you be making bigger, better and BOLDER requests?
4. Want to build more trust in your relationships?
5. Do you act BIG when others act small?
6. A time for Audacity, not Austerity… and some Tall Poppy Courage!

The fact is that whenever we take on lofty goals, there is risk we will not achieve them.  Too often though when our efforts fail to produce we have worked hard toward, we focus on the failure.  We think about what we missed out on doing or getting.  People speak about their “wasted effort” implying that because they did not achieve the goal they set out toward – whether it be the business contract they had worked so hard to secure or the promotion that went to someone else despite their hours of overtime – that their effort was of no value.

But that is not true.

Working hard toward a goal or vision that inspires us, regardless of the outcome, always holds intrinsic value.    What matters far more than what we get from our hard work and effort, is who we get to become from it.  Caren echoed this sentiment last night with a group of supporters gathered in my home. She shared her gratitude for the rewarding experience of simply running for office and her appreciation for the opportunity to meet so many people, of all political persuasions and across all walks of life.  Yes she worked hard. Very hard. Door-knocking on 20,000 doors hard. But she also drew enormous pleasure from the hard work, and shared the quote by Theodore Roosevelt which has inspired this post: “Far and away the best prize life has to offer is working hard at work worth doing.”

Caren worked her extraordinarily hard for the last 12 months. Her work ethic left me in awe as she made thousands of phone calls, and stood in metro stations handing out fliers. She put herself out there again and again and again because she is committed to make a meaningful contribution to her local community and state.

It is only human to feel disappointment when we don’t achieve something we have worked hard toward.  But our  hard work and effort is never wasted.  It truly is one of life’s deep joys to “work hard at work worth doing.”  And working hard toward something that fills you with purpose and passion is always work worth doing – whether it be raising your family, fulfilling a long held dream,  building a business that fulfills an unmet need or,  writing a book to change lives.

Today the word “work” has come to mean something to be avoided as much as possible for many people. But there is value in work. Not just for the money you can earn from it, but from the person you get to become.  Hard work draws out talents and capacities that may otherwise have laid dormant.

So let me ask you, where is your life calling on you to work harder at work worth doing? Whether it is the inner work of transforming the way in which you are living your life, or the outer “roll up your sleeves and set your alarm early” work, always keep forefront of mind, that nothing worth doing has ever been done without good old fashioned hard work.  Period.

I invite you to recommit yourself to putting in the effort needed to live a life that honors the best of who you are, and who have yet to become. After all, in the end its never about the final destination, it’s about the spirit in which we pursue the journey.

Journey on.

Related posts:

1. A time for Audacity, not Austerity… and some Tall Poppy Courage!
2. Got Tall Poppy Courage?
3. Neuro-Plasticity: Want To Outsmart Your Brain?
4. Forgiveness: Is holding on to anger holding you back?
5. Will 2012 be your year of living boldly? Here’s to New Year’s Resolve that Sticks!
6. 9/11 Remembered… a Profound Lesson in Courage

The only feedback Suzie been given was that she didn’t act “enough like a leader.” Nothing more. Which was both useless and frustrating for her. After all, she had consistenly delivered among the top sales results across her entire division for years. But when I asked her whether or not she’d asked for more clarity on what “not enough like a leader” meant, or even expressed her upset at being passed over, Suzie had said that she hadn’t. She hated to rock the boat. Which is part the problem – we women are sometimes our own worst enemy when it comes to being taken seriously as leaders. Sure, being collaborative is great. But sometimes we need to assert ourselves, we need to push back, speak up and yes, sometimes we need to rock the boat. Is

Women make great leaders. We bring strengths and perspectives that complement men and improve the outcomes of the decisions being made. We are naturally perceptive, empathetic and collaborative. But look at the number of women who’ve ascended to the top rung of the corporate ladder in the Fortune 500 corporations and you quickly see that women, despite all the progress of the last fifty years, are still the distinct minority in American boardrooms today.

This is neither good for women or for men. Research has shown that when you have more women sitting at the decision making table, it improves the bottom line results of the organizations who make them. So more women involved in the important decisions isn’t just good for women, it’s good for everyone.

There are myriad complex and intertwining reasons why women are still such a minority at the top (25% of Fortune 500 corporations don’t have any women on their boards!).  One of the most obvious is that during the period of life (5-15 years post college) when men are hard at work earning their leadership stripes, women are having children.  And while many women choose to combine child rearing with pursuing a career, many others elect to opt out of the demanding kids-clients-career juggling act. I don’t believe that any choice is better or worse. At least women now have a choice to make. But it does explain why, at least partially, despite the fact that women are graduating college at a rate of 3 to 2 over men, only 2% of our top companies are run by women.

At her concession speech after losing the Democratic nomination in 2008 Hilary Clinton said, “There are eighteen million cracks in the hardest of glass ceilings. Light is shining through. The path will be easier next time.”  There’s no doubt about it, there have been numerous obstacles women have needed to overcome to arrive at this moment in history which has such a wealth of choice. But from where I stand, the light is well and truly shining down from above and the bigger obstacle that women face is getting out of the glass cage we unconcsiously confine ourselves to through our own thinking.  Stepping into more senior leadership roles, and affecting change to the extent we are capable of will require a fundamental internal shift along three core dimensions:

1. Leadership Mindset:  How we define ourselves as leaders
2. Leadership Capacity:  What we do to build resilience for leadership
3. Leadership Conversations:  How assertively we share what we think and ask for what we want

Leadership Mindset | Redefine yourself as a leader

All leadership ultimately begins with self leadership; it starts on the inside and extends outward. Just as we cannot lead others unless we a vision for where we want to take them, neither can we lead ourselves unless we have a clear sense of the direction we want to go. How you see yourself will determine how others see you. So creating a vision for yourself as a leader that encompasses the kind of impact you want to make 5 and even 25 years from now will act as a compass to guide your choices.

Your vision doesn’t have to include a specific job or title, industry or salary (thought it might). Rather it should reflect the nature of the contribution you are inspired to make, the kind of leader (and human being) you aspire to become and the direction you want to lead others toward. After all, no one wants to follow an uncertain trumpet. But creating a vision takes courage. It requires putting yourself at risk of failure, being willing to make mistakes and becoming vulnerable to having others criticize you in the process (if not far worse.) In my travels around the globe and in my work with women in emerging and senior leadership roles, I’ve found what I believe is a universal tendency for women to doubt themselves and underestimate their own abilities. Women have to think bigger to be bigger. Beginning with the vision we hold for ourselves and extending outward to the vision we have for our team, business, organization and those whom we hope to lead. Our ability to affect positive change in the world around us begins by affecting positive change in the world within us.

Leadership Capacity | Build greater resilience

It’s essential that we are intentional about doing things inside our control so that we can respond better to those which aren’t. Like difficult colleagues, demanding clients, sick children, corporate restructures, economic downturn, the odd natural (or unnatural) disaster, and even just the pressures inherent in getting kids to soccer practice in between conference calls and client deadlines. The higher you climb in any organization, the weightier the demands being placed upon you. And while seniority brings with it more people to whom you can delegate, the buck ultimately stops with you when it comes to delivering results. Add to that the “do more with less” pressures of an increasingly competitive global economy, the additional responsibilities of raising children, not to mention community service and other commitments outside the workplace, and it doesn’t take long for many women to feel like they are the rope in a tug-of-war, being pulled in multiple conflicting directions at once. Which is why women’s success as leaders will not be determined by their title but by their capacity to carry the extra weight of responsibility being placed on their shoulders as they climb, much of which cannot be planned for.

At the core of capacity building is resilience. Resilience psychology has found that resilience is not something you are born with, but something you are born to build. I liken it to a rubber band:  if you pull and twist it out of shape it will quickly bounce back into its original (ideal) form.  And so it is with us. The more resilient we are, the quicker we can bounce back from a setback into our level headed, optimistic “ideal self.” We can see things from an enlarged perspective, and are able to process our emotions so that we don’t plummet into an emotional nose dive when disappointment strikes. And we don’t get all bent out of shape, stressed out and overwhelmed when our well laid out plans collide head on with a reality that refuses to conform to them.

Four key areas for creating and bolstering your baseline resilience through building and restoring alignment are:

Physical:  Think stamina, energy, health! Physical resilience give you vitality and health you need to optimize what you get done in the 24 hours you have every day and the energy you need to be fully engaged as you do it. When you exercise you not only burn off those stress hormones, but by building physical muscles you also build psychological ones. And when you choose to eat well and regularly throughout the day (keeping your glucose levels stable) with foods that nourish and fuel your hardworking mind and body, you can perform at the high level you expect of it. Note: Lattes are not a food group.

Mental:  Think focus, discipline, orgnization.  Mental resilience is being able to stay fully engaged and focused on the task at hand. It requires you to be clear about your priorities and mindful about what you are, and aren’t, committing to. Taking time to plan your week ahead first thing Monday morning (or on a Friday afternoon) is a valuable investment of time that will pay off with exponentially increased productivity that comes from focusing on the highest value activities and avoiding those lower value distractions.

Emotional:  Think calm, confidence, optimistic.  Emotional resilience is your ability to manage potentially destructive emotions that get triggered through the course of your busy day. At its foundation is emotional awareness, and from there your proficiency at shifting potentially destructive emotions, reframing your perspective and responding the situation at hand in a calm, constructive and thoughtful way.

Spiritual:  Think purpose driven!  Spiritual resilience speaks to your bigger sense of purpose about why you do what you do. It ties in to the vision you have for yourself as a leader, as a woman and as a human being. It enables you to see every situation through a bigger lens, find the lesson your challenges have to offer and trust in yourself more deeply to rise to meet them.

Leadership Conversations | Speak up with greater confidence, candor and courage

While women, naturally more attuned to the emotions of those around them, tend to have a head start in the EQ department, too often we allow the emotion of fear to keep us from engaging in the conversations needed to build our value, manage commitments effectively, address contentious issues and expand our network of influence.

Make bold requests:  If you want something, ask for it. Don’t expect others to reward you for hard work, or to read your mind. It may never happen! Rather, get over your fear of seeming too pushy or bold and let others know what it is you would like to happen, when you would like it and what you need to do to make it happen. My clients, many of whom are in senior leadership roles, have often told me that for every young twenty-something woman that comes to them to seek career advice and discuss advancement opportunities, they are approached by three young men, who are usually much quicker to blow their own horn and ask for a promotion outright. And guess what, they get it first for no other reason than they are making the most noise and the boldest requests.

Speak the truth:  If there’s something you genuinely want to say, chances are someone genuinely needs to hear it. Don’t side step difficult issues or avoid saying what’s on your mind because you loathe confrontation. While it’s important to be mindful about what we say, withholding our opinion for fear that it might be scoffed at or ruffle feathers deprives us of the opportunity to demonstrate our value and let others know that are willing to put ourselves at risk for what we believe in (an attribute we all want to see in those who lead us.) When all we do is try to fit in, we negate the difference that our difference makes. We each have unique value to add, regardless of our years in the industry, letters after our name or size of our cubicle. When we second guess it, we limit it.

Say No:  Women tend to have a harder time saying no than men do. We are natural care-takers, and while some women have mastered the art of a gracious “No,” many women struggle to do so. But every time we say yes to something, it means, by default, we are saying no to something else. And often that something else is time for ourselves (and those “tune up” or “time out” activities that restore our alignment) or other non-urgent career building activities that reap rewards in the longer term. So being ultra-clear about what you most want to say yes to is pivotal to finding the clarity and courage to say no when you need to. As I wrote I my book Find Your Courage, sometimes we have to say no to the good to make room for the great. Not doing so does a disservice to everyone and puts in jeopardy your ability to add the greatest value in the longer term.

As women harness their own personal power, their potential to affect change in the world is vast. But harnessing the full quota of our power will demand a commitment to stepping courageously through the glass cage of beliefs, doubts and fears that may be limiting our leadership potential and impact. As more women raise the bar for themselves we will witness powerful changes emanating from the top in business, government, and public life. Women like Oprah and Hilary Clinton and Condoleeza Rice will no longer be such anomalies. As more women step up and arrive at the top rungs of power around the globe, we will see that women will not be changed by power, but will change the nature of it. And that won’t just be good for women in Fortune 500 corporations, it will be good for women, and for the men we share our lives with, the world over.

Yes, women make great leaders. And I look forward to the day when young girls across the globe will not only have the choice and opportunity to become the President, or Prime Minister, or CEO, but that they actually will be. And one day, says this recalcitrant daughter of a former nun, maybe even Pope!

Alleluia!

Here’s to rocking boats, when boats need rocking!

Related posts:

1. Are You Stepping Up to the Leadership Plate?
2. Want to build more trust in your relationships?
3. A time for Audacity, not Austerity… and some Tall Poppy Courage!
4. Do you act BIG when others act small?
5. The Power of Optimism: 7 Strategies for Becoming a Glass Half-Full Person
6. Do you allow yourself to be intimidated?