The fact is that we will never end extremism with extremism.  Close-minded thinking will never put a halt to close-minded thinking. And righteous ignorant people will never enlighten righteous ignorant people.

While I don’t lay claim to enlightment, I do know that burning the holy books of other religions is a really unelightened, idiotic and odious thing to do.  But to bring all of this madness back to the context of our own lives, away from book-burning ceremonies, you may notice how often people can be self-righteous, judgmental and close-minded in their everyday interactions with those around them. Not you of course. But that person you have to work with. Live next door to. Are related to (though only by marriage of course.)   How many people do you know who fail to genuinely try to understand another’s perspective on an issue, and choose instead the path of superiority and righteousness?  Who want to be understood but don’t take the time to understand?

The only way we can ever hope to understand is through conversation. The root of which comes from the Latin for “changing together.”  So when you make the decision to understand another’s viewpoint, and they reciprocate, you cannot help but both be changed by the experience.  You both walk away with a new, and expanded, world view.  The key though is not to wait proudly for them to step up to the listening plate first. That responsibility rests with you.

Lasting peace can only be achieved through peaceful means. If you have to box someone in the nose, metaphorically speaking, in order to have your way or win your argument then, by default, someone else has to feel like they were boxed in the nose. (Same applies for burning their books). Sure, you may have won the battle but at what cost to the relationship? And at what cost to your identity and your future ability to win the trust of others?  Whether in the relationship you have with your spouse or the relationship between Christians and Muslims, Republicans and Democrats, only through engaging in civil conversation in which the initial goal is to understand, rather than to be understood, can harmony emerge, collaboration grow, societies prosper and humanity advance. You may not be a Middle East peace negotiator, but you are a peace negotiator in every relationship you have.  How can we ever hope to have world peace if we can’t first have peace in our home, in our workspace or local community?

So, I invite you to ask yourself: where might your need to be right, and to bring others around to your way of thinking, be getting in the way of growing mutual understanding, building trust and growing your influence?  In short: where might you benefit from listening more and speaking less?

As illogical or loopy as their opinion may seem to you, it’s perfectly valid to them.  And as obstinate or self-defensive as they may seem, the only chance you ever have of bridging the gap between your diverging perspectives (even if not your beliefs) is by being willing to listen first.

Sure you will never see eye to eye with everyone, nor would you want to (our relationships, organizations and the world at large are served by diversity), but just imagine how much more enjoyable and less stressful your life would be if all your relationships honored mutual respect. And how much more peaceful the world would be if all people felt they and their beliefs were given equal respect, justice and opportunity.

So next time you’re indignant at someone’s behavior or entering the downward spiral of conflict, take a step back, close your mouth, box your ego and it’s burning need to be right, and do the only logical and effective thing there is to do: – apply the Golden Rule: Listen to others as you would like them to listen to you.

I wonder if Pastor Jones has ever taken the time to read the Qu’ran which he insists on burning, or to get to know even one of the millions of good hearted and peace seeking Muslims who follow its teachings.  I doubt it. He doesn’t have the courage.

Related posts:

1. Do You Need to Say NO to Something (or Someone)?
2. Get What You Want: 6 Tips To Make Bold Requests
3. Got More Answers than Questions?

I’m currently back in Australia which is in the midst of a federal election campaign. Last week Australia’s Prime Minister Julia Gillard, who deposed her former boss Kevin Rudd in June and has had anything but a smooth campaign to date, announced that from here on in the Australian people would see the “real Julia.” Frankly, I was quite surprised by her comment which left me, and I assume many Australians, wondering who we had seen up until now if it was not the “real Julia.”

Of course there are many traits we want from our leaders — political, corporate and otherwise. Intelligence, hard work, common sense, integrity, empathy, humility, decisiveness, and the list goes on. But what we all crave is for them to be authentic, genuine… real. And when it is absent (or perceived as lacking), it can profoundly damage trust and diminish their ability to exert the influence, and create the positive change, needed of them as leaders.

Reflecting on the backlash Julia Gillard received this last week for her comments, it made me think about the bigger lesson here for all of us, regardless of our politics or leadership aspirations. Obviously there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to fit in, to be liked, approved of, or “look good” in the eyes of others. You and I are, after all, only human. However, if your desire to achieve this comes at the expense of expressing who you really are — no smoke and mirrors or custom-designed masks – or requires selling out on a core value in some way, then it comes at a steep personal price. Think about it: how can you be the real you when you are preoccupied with impressing people or having them like you? You can’t! That’s not to say you aren’t mindful of how you might be perceived nor that you act in ways that are disrespectful to those around you, but rather that you don’t allow others’ opinions (or perceived opinions) define who we will be or keep you from being real.

Interestingly enough, research has found that two out of three people are dramatically out of touch with how they see themselves compared to how others see them. The irony being that people who strive the hardest to be liked or to impress others often have just the opposite effect on those around them. I reckon most of us have an inbuilt “realness” detector that starts beeping when we find ourselves in the company of someone who seems to lack it (others might call it a “B.S. Detector”). They say all the right things but something just doesn’t feel right. Certainly I believe the less you care about needing people to like you, the more they actually will. In other words, as you let go striving to get the approval and admiration of people around you, you actually become more admired, your influence grows and you become someone people feeling more comfortable trusting – in your social relationships, in your workplace and organization, in your community and the world.

In Zen Buddhism they speak of living with one’s “original face.” The Buddhists describe the “original face” as being relaxed, without tension, free of pretension, devoid of hypocrisy or superficiality. Your “original face” is the one that comes when you find the courage to be authentically you.

Certainly, we live in a world that pressures for conformity and so it goes that one of our greatest challenges is to express ourselves authentically and not succumb to the pressure we feel to be who we think others want us to be. Refusing to conform and being true to who we really are may not always be easy and will often make us feel vulnerable, but it is the only way to achieve the sense of personal freedom, respect and influence to which we aspire — whether as leaders, as lovers or as people who simply want to lead happier and more contented lives.

So I ask: are you showing the world the “real” you and if you aren’t, how is that costing you? Or more important still, if you were to let go needing to prove your worthiness, to be accepted or liked, who would the real you be and how would you show up in the world differently?

I can assure you, people around you will be far more attracted to the real you than the unreal you. Being a first-class version of yourself is much more rewarding than being a second-class version of somebody else. As Mother Theresa once said, “Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway.”

Please share what you really think with a comment below and take 5 minutes to complete my first-ever READER SURVEY. I am genuinely appreciative of your honest and constructive feedback and suggestions.

Related posts:

1. Are you short changing yourself?
2. Where could you be upping your integrity?

But just because we can find lots of reasons for feeling down and becoming a bona fide pessimist doesn’t mean that we should. The fact is, optimism creates opportunity and pessimism kills it. Expecting good things to happen will lead to taking actions that produce positive results. Expecting only more bad stuff to come your way will keep you from doing the very things that might have minimized or avoided just that!

The word “optimism” actually derives from the Latin word “optima,” meaning the best outcome or belief in the greatest good. As I said during my recent interview on the TODAY SHOW, while some people are naturally more optimistic than others, ultimately we all get to wake up every day and choose whether we are going to be a glass half-full, or a glass half-empty person.

Below are 7 strategies for filling up your cup of optimism. My challenge to you is to try at least one of these and notice the difference it makes to your outlook and your life.

1.  SET YOUR INTENTION

 Before you step out of bed (and if you forget, before you leave your home) take one minute to set your intention for the day by coming up with one word that resonates with you about the attitude or spirit you want to bring to the day. Being intentional acts like a compass and helps you better focus your time and energy. For instance, if you’ve been looking for work but have found yourself stuck in a rut and procrastinating, you might choose to be proactive and set yourself a goal of making at least 5 calls/emails today to follow up on job leads and opportunities. The intention you choose will vary according to the challenges you are facing.

QUESTION: What is your intention for the rest of today? To be more assertive, organized, focused, tenacious, self-reliant, resourceful, determined, persistent or patient?

2. PERFORM AN ACT OF COURAGE

Often the very thing we need to improve our circumstances requires courage. That is, closing the gap between where you are now and where you would like to be in life will require stepping outside your comfort zone and doing something that scares you in some way. It could be picking up the phone to invite someone to dinner, attending an exercise class or having a conversation with your boss about an issue that’s been upsetting you. There is no better way to build self-confidence than doing something that stretches you as it teaches you that you are capable of more than you thought you were.

QUESTION: What would you do today if you had no fear of failing or looking foolish?

3. REFRAME A PROBLEM INTO AN OPPORTUNITY

You can’t solve your problems by complaining about them. But you can solve them (or if they are unsolvable, learn to accept them) by reframing them so that you can approach them from a new angle. To quote Einstein: “Problems can not be solved at the same level of thinking at which they were created.”

Where pessimists see problems, optimists find opportunities. If you change the way you look at your problems, your problems change and transform into a rich array of opportunities to grow, learn and discover inner resources you never knew you had!

QUESTION: What opportunities does your most pressing problem offer you? (I promise you – they are bountiful!)

4. AVOID ENERGY DRAINERS

Optimism is contagious. So too is pessimism. If you are struggling to feel as positive as you would like, don’t spend your time hanging out with “emotional vampires” – those people who suck the life out of you with their complaints and commentary about everything that is wrong with the world (and the people in it). Choose your company wisely and limit the time you spend with people who don’t fill your cup of optimism and “can do” self-confidence.

QUESTION: Who do I need to spend less time with and who can I arrange to spend more time with?

5. CARRY YOURSELF LIKE AN OPTIMIST

If you change how you hold yourself physically, it will change how you feel emotionally. Scientists have actually proven that how you present and carry yourself on the outside has a huge impact on how you feel on the inside. Slump your shoulders, pout your bottom lip and look down to the ground and optimism (and opportunity) will elude you.  But stand tall, chin up, smile and engage with people as though you were the outgoing, confident, optimistic and successful person you aspire to be, and you will attract all sorts of positive people and opportunities into your life. People will relate to you differently and you will gradually begin to feel differently (and more positive) yourself. Don’t feel like it? Do it anyway! The old saying “Fake it ‘til you make it” is literally true.

ACTION: Stand tall, smile and watch your reflection in the mirror as you move. What does how you carry yourself communicate?

6. LIGHTEN UP

Why is it that comedians tend to live very long lives? It’s because they have become so masterful at finding the humor in even the most unfunny situations. While it’s not always easy to see the lighter side of things, it’s always helpful. Humor is a highly effective antidote to almost every ailment, anxiety or adversity! Watching a funny movie and spending time with a really funny friend is litterally medicinal!

QUESTION: If you were taking a lighthearted approach to your challenges, what would the joke be?

7. EXERCISE

If you are one of those people who never exercises, then I’m sorry, I know you hate to hear it again and again but EXERCISE IS VERY GOOD FOR YOU. Not only is it great for you physically, but it’s a very potent drug for making you feel better psychologically.  As your heart starts pumping, your body releases endorphins into your system which not only burn off stress but also allow you to view your life and challenges through a more empowering and optimistic lens. Seriously, what’s not to like about exercise? (Besides doing it?)

ACTIVITY: Get outdoors and go for a brisk 20 minute walk (or run) and note how much better you feel afterward (my only condition on that is please don’t do it in sweltering hot weather like we have in Virginia today!)

Please try one of these strategies today and let me know how it helps! As an optimist, I am sure it will!

Related posts:

1. How to Stay Up When Your Job Search Has You Feeling Down
2. A year ago today and what I’ve learned since
3. An Emotional Stimulus Plan: Have You Got One?
4. What would the courageous version of you do?
5. Four Steps to Harnessing the Power of Vision
6. Are Your Comfort Zones Holding You Back?

Here are 6 keys to making bigger and better requests. My request of you is that you actually step outside your comfort zone today and make a request… the worst thing that can happen is that you find yourself exactly where you started! Go on now… be courageous!

1. Don’t assume others are mind readers. We often assume our husbands, bosses, friends and even work colleagues are mind readers and when they don’t act as we’d like, we wind up resentful and upset. For any relationship to thrive both parties have to take responsibility for communicating their needs. Hints just don’t cut it. Whether it’s how you’d like your partner to engage in foreplay, or how you’d like your colleague to communicate with you about a project at work, it’s crucial to be assertive in conveying your wants and needs.

2. Be specific about what you want and when you want it. Asking someone to do something for you “when they get a chance” is a recipe for unmet expectations, frustration and hurt. For a request to hold any water it needs to specify not just what you’d like, but also the time frame in which you want it done. That is, a “what” and a “when.”  My beloved husband has learnt to do this very well, “Margie, when you borrow my car could you  at least please stop parking my car half way out of the garage?” 

3. Be bold in your requests. When it comes to asking for what you really want, the Latin proverb “fortune favors the bold” sums it up perfectly. The reality is you will rarely, if ever, be given more than what you have the courage to ask for. So don’t dilute your requests in order to minimize the possibility of being turned down. Think about what your ideal outcome would be and then confidently, courageously, ask for it. I have a request in to Oprah to be on her show. So far she hasn’t responded… but hey, at least I don’t have to look back and wonder “What if I’d asked?”

4. Teach others how to treat you. Every day, through what we say and do, we teach others how to treat us. If you allow others to take you for granted, to overstep the line of your personal boundaries, or to be outright disrespectful, then you are complicit in it. Letting others know what you will (and will not) tolerate and what you expect from them, is crucial to your well-being and success – at home and work.

5. Don’t be a martyr.  I hate to say it, but I think we women in particular can have a tendency to martyr ourselves to the needs of those around us. Needless to say we are little good to anyone if we end up overwhelmed and burnt out in our attempts to be all things to all people. Feeling overwhelmed is a symptom of too few requests. You aren’t doing anyone a favor if, by your lack of requests for help or support, you end up stressed out, sick or worse.

6. Don’t make a “no” mean more than it does. The reality is that you won’t always get what you ask for. Your boss won’t always give you the promotion you’d like and your mother-in-law may not be willing to agree to minding your three young kids every second weekend so you and your husband can go away. Such is life. When people say no, you can take it really personally, get yourself in a big huff, and decide never to speak to them again or you can accept it graciously and then move on. At least now you know where you stand and can make alternate plans accordingly.

Related posts:

1. Could you be making bigger, better and BOLDER requests?
2. Lessons from the BP Oil Spill
3. Burning the Qu’ran: Why righteousness drives people to act like idiots.

Yesterday morning an old friend told me that Oprah is running a competition to see who she will sponsor to host a talk show on her new Oprah Winfrey Network when she steps down next year.  With thousands of people already with their hat in the ring, some with over a million votes (yes, this is a popularity contest like American Idol!) I immediately came up with a dozen reasons why I shouldn’t bother. Every one was driven by fear – fear of looking foolish, fear of failing, fear of you thinking I’m kidding myself for even trying, fear of wasting my precious time. But I’m pleased to say I caught myself midstream.  How wimpy of me to let my fears keep me from daring to try.  So while the odds are stacked high against me, I’ve decided to throw my hat into the ring anyway.

What I need now is for you to send a vote my way and share this link with your network to stand a chance. But, as a believer in the power of possibility, I am going to put myself out there. As much as I would love the opportunity to share my message with a few gazillion more people than I do right now, what is more important to me than the outcome is the knowledge that I at least gave it a go. Whatever happens, I will always be able to look back and know that I gave it my best.  To me that is what success is ultimately all about, doing the best you can with what you have been given. Whether we achieve our goals and dreams isn’t as important as the fact that we had the courage to pursue them.

PLEASE VOTE FOR ME NOW:
http://bit.ly/DreamBIGOprah

Related posts:

1. Find Your Courage: 5 Simple Steps to Stop Fear From Running Your Life
2. Get What You Want: 6 Tips To Make Bold Requests

It’s been many years since I playfully fought my then-boyfriend (now husband), who worked for Mobil Oil, about which gas station we should fill up in (me claiming BP’s were far more attractive, him convinced that Mobil’s were better quality underneath the glam). It has also been many years since BP transformed those initials from British Petroleum into Beyond Petroleum… ah the irony.

Of course none of us are yet certain about the exact chain of events that culminated in the explosion in the Gulf of Mexico last month. What I am fairly certain of is that there was an absence of effective leadership, communication and accountability. I also think there are valuable lessons we can all take from this situation and apply in our own workplaces and relationships.

We humans share an instinctive desire for self-preservation and an innate aversion to situations that might be emotionally uncomfortable. In an organizational setting this can drive employees to “play safe” and avoid crucial conversations about issues that put them at risk of confrontation or ruffling feathers. And if they assess that doing so might jeopardize their position or future opportunities they will be even more reticent to choose the courageous path of speaking up over the less risky one of silence.

But as I’ve said before, the quality of our conversations directly impacts the quality of our relationships and the quality of the results we achieve individually and through our collaboration with others. The absence of crucial conversations about valid issues of concern in any organization, from large global corporations right down to the family unit, can have far-reaching consequences. Concerns that aren’t talked out, contentious issues that aren’t thrashed out and substandard behavior that isn’t held to account rarely (if ever) improves of its own volition. Rather, left unaddressed, issues fester; poor performers grow poorer and flawed decision-making criteria declines further.

People in positions of formal leadership carry a responsibility for nurturing a culture that encourages open and respectful communication coupled with a collective commitment to excellent and ethical behavior (regardless of cost or inconvenience). That said, all members of an organization, regardless of rank or title, have a personal responsibility for contributing to an environment where people can speak up without fear of recrimination and where accountability for one’s performance is expected and not skirted.

Who is to blame for the millions of gallons of oil floating around in the Gulf of Mexico today? Though BP did not actually own the rig they were using (under lease from Transocean), certainly blame is being laid squarely at the feet of BP’s CEO, Tony Hayward. Such is the risk and responsibility that accompanies senior positions of leadership. However, I firmly believe that it takes far more than one person to be negligent in fulfilling their responsibilities for a system failure of this magnitude.

In any organization every individual must take personal responsibility for the impact their actions (or lack thereof) have on the organization as a whole, however relatively insignificant they may seem.

Whether you work in a large organization, run a small business, or are a stay-at-home mum, I invite you to reflect on the following questions and extract valuable lessons for yourself from this environmental catastrophe.

1. Where might you be avoiding important conversations for fear that they might result in confrontation, ruffle feathers or put you at risk in some way?
2. Do you treat others with the respect needed to create an environment where they feel safe to express opinions, even those which are contentious?
3. Do you hold others to account when they fail to fulfill a responsibility or underperform?
4. Do you honor your own commitments with integrity and excellence? And when you don’t, do you do you very best to rectify the situation?

Related posts:

1. Is There Something You Genuinely Need To Say?
2. Get What You Want: 6 Tips To Make Bold Requests
3. Are You Stepping Up to the Leadership Plate?
4. Do You Need to Say NO to Something (or Someone)?
5. Are you short changing yourself?

It’s for this same reason that you need to be increasingly vigilant of the fears that arise in you, discerning about which fears you pay heed to and mindful of the oppressive impact giving them power can have.

And if you don’t? Well. . . I hate to be the bearer of bad news but. . .

fear will slowly creep its way in, metastasize and leave you selling out to the path of least resistance, political correctness and convenient mediocrity.

That’s no life!

Below are five questions (with corresponding action steps) to help you live a bigger, more rewarding and more courageous life!

1. What do you really want?
If you don’t know where you want to go in life, any road will take you. So get really clear about it:  If you could have the ultimate relationship or job or career or business or lifestyle what would it be? Don’t let “what’s realistic” keep you from thinking big. Sure, you may not always succeed in accomplishing your dreams but you have absolutely zero chance of accomplishing anything worthwhile if you are too afraid to dream big in the first place.

If there is an area(s) of your life in which you feel a clear level of dissatisfaction or unhappiness then that’s the key place to focus first.  What would need to change in those areas of your life to have them be the way you really wanted them to be?

>>Action Step 1: Write down a goal you want to achieve, however big or scary.

2. What’s the price you will pay for not making changes?
Research has identified a psychological phenomenon whereby we human beings tend toward discounting the cost of our choices even when it’s obvious they are not benefiting us. Why? Reality ain’t pretty. The result?  We kid ourselves everything’s hunky dory and that we really are content with the status quo when in truth we know, in our heart of hearts, that it sucks and we are settling big time. Acknowledging that you are stuck or unhappy in an aspect of your life and that you will pay a profound cost by doing nothing – whether it be in stress, missed opportunity, anxiety, regret or unfulfilled potential — is a crucial step toward courageous action and absolutely crucial to re-creating it the way you want it to be.

>>Action Step 2: Write down how you will feel about yourself one year from now if nothing changes.

3. Where have you been letting your fears hold you back?
Often we don’t like to admit where our fears are running the show. Sometimes we don’t even realize they are! But only when we start owning our fears do they stop owning us. So really delve deep into this question. Ponder what you would do if you had no fear of failing, being criticized or looking foolish. Reflect on what you would change if you didn’t doubt your ability to handle the challenges that change would bring. What possibilities would open up if you could trust yourself that no matter what happened you could handle it?

Fear is not a bad thing. Far from it! Rather it’s a question of whether or not your fears are actually serving you (protecting you from REAL danger and enabling you to thrive in work, relationships and life) or if they are holding you back and sabotaging your efforts to achieve the successful, meaningful and happy life you want. The exercises in my book Find Your Courage  are designed to help you reclaim the power you have, unconsciously or not, been giving your fears.

>>Action Step 3: Make a firm commitment to stop allowing fear to run your life.

4. What are the initial steps you need to take?
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Problem is though that as soon as you begin to think about the changes you need to make to achieve your dreams, you very quickly find yourself overwhelmed with just how much must be done to accomplish it. So it’s really important as you are starting out to clarify a specific goal you’d like to achieve and then to break that goal down into smaller bite-size steps. The most important thing here is to take some action, any action, since courage is really only an accumulation of lots of small bite-size steps. As Martin Luther King once said, “you don’t have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step.” (and then the next one, then the next. . .)

>>Action Step 4: Write down your first five steps and assign a deadline to each.

5. How can you create a more supportive environment?
When you have an external environment around you that supports you, holds you to account and brings out your best, it makes it easier to persevere, and ultimately to prevail, when your internal motivation system is running low.

Share your goals with positive people and ask for their support, take time regularly to schedule your priorities, join a support network or hire a coach. Likewise be VERY vigilant of those people and forces in your environment that could jeopardize your success. People who are unsupportive and discouraging can be like a lead chain around your ankle when it comes to moving forward. Einstein once said “Free spirits have always encountered violent opposition from cynical mediocre minds.” So do what you need to do minimize the impact of the mediocre minds in your life. Likewise, if there are other forces in your environment that could pull you off track, whether a lack of proper planning, organization or dysfunctional systems, attend to them. Don’t underestimate the impact your physical, social and emotional environment can have on your well-being, productivity and motivation to stay on track toward your goals.

>>Action Step 5: Share your goals with supportive friends and ask for support.

What is courage? Courage is not fearlessness. Nor is it an absence of self doubt. Courage is action in the presence of fear. Living with courage begins with taking a good honest look at the choices you are making today and challenging the assumptions, stories and excuses that are driving them. Stepping beyond the confines of your comfort zone will call on you to dig deeper into yourself than you have up to now; to dare to accomplish things which have no guarantee of success and to trade the “fine and good” for an experience of life that is far better, deeper, richer and infinitely more gratifying to your spirit.

The world has more than its fair share of people living lives of immaculate mediocrity. There are things that you and only you can do; things that will never be done if you do not dare to do them.  So don’t tiptoe through life only to make it safely to death. Instead take your “fear bully” by the horns and dare to dream more, do more, say more, live more, give more and be more!

Fortune favors the bold. So live boldly! Life’s too short to be lived any other way.

Related posts:

1. What’s the quality of your excuses? 8 steps to raising the bar!
2. 6 steps to finding what every entrepreneur needs most!
3. Are you living your life by design or by accident?
4. Four Steps to Harnessing the Power of Vision
5. Are you dreaming BIG enough?
6. Is Fear of Stuffing Up Stifling You?

My brother, Peter, with my kids

Forgive me if this post is a little raw. Life has been raw for me these last couple weeks.

My youngest brother Peter died just over two weeks ago and I’ve been living life at its rawest ever since.

Pete, who was 31, suffered from schizophrenia for the last ten years. All mental illnesses cause enormous suffering for those who have them and incredible heartache and angst for those who love them. Peter, number 6 of the 7 kids in my family, was very loved by our family and we all did the very best we could, each in our own way, to help him. Over the last decade, as Pete returned to hospital again and again, his dreams crashed to earth, his enjoyment of life disappeared and his hopes of ever living a fulfilling life gave way to severe paranoia, to ceaseless torment, to despair and, on Good Friday, to death.

As I type these words I am sitting on a plane high above the Pacific returning back to America from Australia where I’ve shed more tears with my family than I thought were possible. But in the midst of our sorrow, we have laughed at the fun times we shared with Peter — his boyish pranks, his humor, his brilliant athleticism and charm. We have been lifted up by the extraordinary outpouring of love from friends, family and community, near and far. We have savored the rich bonds of love that come to the fore during times of heartache. It has been a deeply moving, and extremely touching, two weeks. 

Peter’s funeral last Tuesday was beautiful. Several people came up to me afterward to say it was the most inspiring funeral they’d ever attended. As hundreds gathered with us to mourn his death, we celebrated his life and joined together in faith that Peter’s spirit is now in peace. But ahhhh… death is so final and burying someone you love so confronting to the mind and wrenching to the heart.

I have written before about sadness and the importance of acknowledging it. There is nothing happy about having someone you love suffer from an illness you cannot cure. There is nothing happy about saying a last goodbye. It is sadness, pure and true. And while my sadness is mine alone, inevitably we all find ourselves in circumstances that give rise to sorrow, grief and a deep sense of loss. After all, that is what it is to be a human being. None of us can avoid it, however hard we try, however safe we play it, however strong we try to be.

So I have not tried to be strong this last week. I have cried and wailed and sobbed like a child. My brother Peter is gone and I will never see him again… at least not during my years on earth. And while I will grow old and my skin will wrinkle, my eyesight will fade and my hair turn gray, Peter will remain forever young. When I spoke to him last month on his birthday, in the hospital again, he said he looked forward to shooting hoops with my oldest son Lachlan on our trip back home to Australia in July. However unwell Pete has been, he never stopped being a loving uncle and making my kids laugh (see the picture above of him with my four children taken two years ago). And so I shed another tear that he will never shoot another hoop and that my children will never play with their Uncle Pete again. (You can watch the slideshow we created of Peter for his funeral at this link)

Whatever your beliefs about what happens after death, there is no escaping that death brings with it a finality that can be hard to comprehend. I know that in death Peter has found the peace that eluded him in life, but that thought doesn’t stop my sadness. At least not yet. And while I know my tears don’t help Peter, they do connect me to that which matters most to me in life — to those I love, to the blessings I have in life and to the many magnificent people I share it with. I am more acutely aware than ever that life is a precious and temporary gift and that it is our responsibility to make the most of it; to do the best we have with whatever hand we have been given.

And while I’d like to think I will never experience grief again, I know that is not so. For all of life is about letting go what has been, embracing what is and opening our hearts wide to our hopes for tomorrow. If there is a lesson for me from this experience (and I hope for you also), it is to live each day, each moment more deeply, to experience it more fully, and to dare pursuing our dreams more boldly.

If my words have stirred anything in you, may it be a deepened awareness for the love, the people and the gifts in your own life. There will always be elements of your life that aren’t as you’d ideally like them to be. Embrace them as fully as you would those which are exactly as you want. They all combine to create the rich tapestry that is your life. That is our shared experience of life.

Pete never lived the life he had imagined for himself up to his early twenties. He never realized the exciting ambitions that fuelled his youth, never played professional sport, never established a successful career, travelled the world or drove a cool sport car. And yet his life, and the suffering he had to endure, affected the lives of those who loved him in ways we could never have imagined. He taught us to be patient, he taught us to be compassionate, he taught us not to judge those who suffer mental illness, he taught us to love without condition and to give without expectation of return. And in the end, he taught us that life can end suddenly, sadly but that love never does.

For that, I will be forever grateful. And as more tears find their way down my cheeks in the weeks, and likely the years to come when my family gather together, less one, I will offer up to God all my tears, knowing that by connecting with what makes me most sad, it also connects me with what brings me most joy. Our lives, like all great masterpieces, require the darkness in order to highlight the light.

Until next time, feel deeply, love boldly and embrace all of life, however raw.

Question: What lesson did you take away from a loss in your life which caused you sadness and sorrow?

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Of course losing our temper is what happens when we fail to keep our anger in check. Something (or someone) pushes our buttons and, unable to contain our anger, we explode. The result is never pretty. Last week I was asked to talk about anger on Better TV. Despite my occasional outbursts at my kids I wouldn’t say I am a particularly angry person. Which got me thinking, why are some people constantly angry while others seem perpetually serene and calm? And for the majority of us who fall somewhere in the middle, how can we process the emotion of anger in more constructive ways?

First let me repeat what I wrote in my book Find Your Courage. Anger, on its own, is neither good nor bad. Rather it’s a natural emotion that arises when we perceive an injustice to ourselves or others. The problem does not arise when we have anger. It arises when anger has us. It’s how we respond to it that determines whether it is helpful to our relationships (by addressing valid issues that threaten to undermine them) and good for society (by working to end injustice)  – or damaging to our relationships, destructive to our circumstances and plain old bad for our health (think heart disease, depression, ulcers…I’d go on but it doesn’t get better!). In other words, our response to anger ultimately creates more suffering for us and others, or less. It all hinges on how we process and express it.

Learning to manage anger isn’t easy. It takes a heightened level of self-awareness, a good dose of discipline and a robust commitment to honoring the dignity of others and our own. Below are a few strategies that will help you the next time you find yourself feeling as mad as a hatter.

• Label it.    If you don’t own your anger, it will own you. Naming the emotion you feel enables you to process it. So if you can, step back and try to observe what’s going on — around you and within you.  Verbalizing aloud, “I am feeling angry” helps you detach from it. Anger isn’t you. It’s just the emotion that has risen up in you.
• Identify the fear fueling it. Underneath our anger is fear… fear of loss of property, relationship, security, reputation or control; fear of us or someone we love being hurt; fear that the crazy driver who just cut in front of you may damage your car. Clarifying why you feel angry helps you respond to it constructively.
• Give yourself time out.  The stress hormones anger triggers literally impair the oxygen flow to the brain. So it takes time for those hormones to level out and rational thinking to return. As cliché as it sounds, counting slowly to 10 before reacting can help defuse your temper. Better still, take a break from the person you’re angry with until your frustrations subside a bit. Go for a walk, run or bike ride, listen to music, take a bath, do some gardening, etc.  I’ve found jumping on the trampoline with my kids highly therapeutic!
• Consciously choose your response. Being able to consciously choose how you will respond is what anger management is all about. What is the most constructive response to this predicament? What is the outcome you most want to achieve that is good for you and others? What conversation do you need to have, with whom and about what? What changes need to happen?
• Don’t bottle it up. While some people are quick to fire off in anger (damaging trust in their relationships in the process) others tend to bottle it up and stew on it. But issues that aren’t talked out get acted out. Denying or repressing anger is no better than lashing out with it. Resentments left to fester slowly build up… and up… and up… driving a wedge in your relationships and impeding your productivity until it gets very ugly.
• Create daily rituals for staying centered. Managing anger begins with self-awareness. Mindfulness is something you do, not something you have. Regularly taking time to reflect on how you are feeling, identify the concerns that underlie it, become present to the impact your behavior is having on others, and re-center yourself emotionally are habits you can begin to develop right now.

We human beings are emotional beings. Forever evolving, forever wrestling with those uncomfortable emotions like anger, forever on a quest to rise above them and be firmly in control. The reality is that living life to the fullest requires us to experience the full spectrum of emotions. They all serve a purpose and yet they can all hijack our happiness if we aren’t honest enough with ourselves to own the primal fears that drive them…. of looking foolish, of injustice to ourselves or others, of being inadequate and insignificant, of being unlovable or rejected, of being vulnerable and hurt, of losing those we love, of losing control, of being mortal.

In the end, there is no magic bullet to remaining forever calm, contained and cool when something or someone has really pushed your buttons and frustration, resentment, anger and outright fury begin to well up in you. Learning to regulate our emotions is a lifelong pursuit. Sometimes two steps forward, one step back. So just as I will work to forgive myself for not always being a patient and calm mum, I encourage you to forgive yourself for the many times you have failed to control your temper. Forgive yourself for not managing your anger, rising above your fear, overcoming your insecurities and responding calmly and bravely to your challenges. And while you are at it, forgive those around you who’ve done the same. After all, the greatest remedy for everything that weighs your heart is forgiveness.

Question: What strategies do you use to keep anger from overtaking you?

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What I have not found quite as magnificent is having my life interrupted. My four children have been home from school since Thursday and, alas, with another snow storm due to arrive tomorrow, they may well be off all week.  Ukurumba…there goes those plans of mine!

Yet as I sit here with my homemade latte beside my keyboard (the esspresso machine I gave Andrew for Christmas has been worth its weight in gold these last few housebound days!), I can’t help but think about how this storm, with all the interruptions and inconveniences it has brought with it, is a valuable analogy for the bigger storms that come our way through life.

The problem isn’t that things happen in life that completely throw us off our plans, it is that we expect anything otherwise.  Many years ago, midway through the second trimester of pregnancy with my first child, I discovered that it had died. It was New Year’s Eve 1996. To me that baby was already born. I was already a proud mother. But then, in the span of several minutes, without any signs to warn me, I discovered I wasn’t pregnant. I wasn’t going to have that cherished baby. That this new little life inside me was no more. And along with the end of that life, so too ended the plans I had for the year to come — to leave my job, to become a mother. After two more miscarriages I did have a successful pregnancy and on February 1998 I gave birth to a beautiful  and healthy 9 pound boy. Lachlan (pictured above enjoying the snow yesterday) will be 12 this Saturday.

What I learnt from that first miscarriage (a lesson reinforced with other four miscarriages that I had on my way to having four children) was that we are never in control of our plans. Life is too big, too complex, too fragile, too unpredictable and far too uncontrollable to ever expect that we can have things all unfold the way we would like them to. Life just doesn’t work like that. As the saying goes, “Life is what happens while you are making other plans.”

Yes, for me in the realm of children, it was a happy ending with four healthy children. But for some it is not a happy ending. Well at least not the happy ending they would have ideally wanted. For some women, they never get to have the children they crave for. For my brother Frank, who was paralyzed from the waist down two years ago next month, he may never feel the ground beneath his feet again. For those who have lost people they love, had careers derailed, felt the sting of betrayal, suffered from addiction or made a mistake that could never be unmade, the reality they face may never be what they would have ideally wanted it to be.

It is when life does not unfold as we would want that we face the profound choice of how we will respond to the reality around us. Just as I could curse the snow that keeps my kids home from school today, so too we can curse the gods that brought illness and disappointment, suffering and sorrow, hardship and tragedy, into our lives. Or we can open our arms to the experience, we can look for the meaning, receive the lesson and accept the challenge to grow in our capacity for life that they bring.

The English poet Samual Johnson wrote, “Men are wise in proportion not to their experience but to their capacity for experience.”  Who knows why bad things happen to good people, why some people seem to be faced with so much more suffering and misfortune than others, why opportunity and prosperity seem to fall into the laps of some yet elude the diligent efforts of others. I certainly don’t. What I do know though is that each of us are here to experience life to its fullest, to come to know our capacity for all of life — its joy and its rawness, its love and its loss — and, in doing so, to touch the life of others around us by the courage in which we live our own.

So today I will celebrate another day at home with my noisy, rowdy and not very tidy children. I am so blessed to have them. And while I’ve never been enamored with the idea of homeschooling, today I will give it a whirl… at least for an hour… or maybe 20 minutes.  Who knows,  I might even learn something from the experience.

And wherever this finds you right now, whatever interruptions threaten to disrupt the normal (if there is a “normal”) flow of your life, I encourage you to invite them in with grace, with self-trust and with a spirit of curiosity for the gifts they hold. It is those interruptions – unwanted, inconvenient and uncomfortable as they may be - that ultimately expand your capacity for life and enrich your experience of life the most.

Question:  When was the last time you accepted life’s interruptions and turned what could be a negative experience into a positive gift?  Please share your thoughts.

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