Marita the left-wing(ed) goalie

Happy College Football Season!!!

2007-08-30T16:33:00.000-04:00

I'm all ready to go for tonight's opener against Utah. Hopefully the bar I've lined up will actually put the game on a screen for me.

Here's a quick clip from last season that brings a tear to my eye:

Go Beavers!

Why I'm digging my job these days...

2007-08-23T10:14:00.000-04:00

I get to spend time working with cardiomycoytes, which beat, even in culture. Take a look (someone else's video footage):

Makes it a little tough when I need to count them, since they wiggle so much and all, but still very cool.

A little love for the lactose intolerant

2007-08-14T19:23:00.000-04:00

Renew America apparently has a new contender in their ongoing (and unstated) competition for the most idiotic column ever written. Jonathan David Morris enters the fray with an stunning effort that could roll the eyes of even the most jaded junior high English teacher. Without further adieu, I present to you: Hate the cheese, love the lawsuit.

I'm no fan of most McDonald's lawsuits. I wasn't sure I would ever condone a single one of them — that is, until I learned about the latest.

He supports the lawsuit? I'm on the edge of my seat to hear what atrocity McDonald's has commited here. It must have been something incredibly heinous. Did one of their employees defile a customer's copy of The Fountainhead?

In 2005, a West Virginia man by the name of Jeromy Jackson bit into a Quarter Pounder in a dark room where he was watching a movie. He thought he had made it perfectly clear he couldn't eat cheese on his sandwich. But then, with his first bite, he suffered a violent allergic reaction — forcing his mother and friend to rush him to the hospital, where he reportedly darn near died.

While I'm never happy when someone darn near dies, I'd think if you had a life-threatening allergy to cheese, you'd, I dunno, take a quick peek at your food before you bit into it? But maybe I'm missing the point. Let's see why Mr. Morris suggests the lawsuit is legitimate:

I am not lactose intolerant, but I sympathize with Jackson. Moreover, I have no sympathy whatsoever for McDonald's here. True, had he lifted his bun and checked before biting, Jackson could have saved himself from harm.

Well, at least he's aware of that minor "personal responsibility" point, but let's start with a clarification: Mr. Jackson's problem was not lactose intolerance. Lactose intolerance is the inability to digest lactose due to a deficiency in the enzyme lactase. It isn't pleasant, but it's more in the realm of a bad tummyache than a life-threatening emergency. What's being described by the lawsuit is a food allergy, which can have much more serious consequences. I would think this is the kind of thing you'd fact check before publishing on a major website, but then I don't write for Renew America.

In any case, if Mr. Morris is willing to discount personal responsibility, he must have a very good reason for doing so.

But at what point do we say enough is enough already? McDonald's "mistake" was no honest error. These fast food chains have been pushing cheese on us for years.

This is an outrage!!! I call for an international boycott of...

Wait a minute...

What?

They're pushing cheese on us? This is somehow justification for a frivolous lawsuit? Come on. It's not like they're trying to fluoridate our water or anything.

Walk into any one of these places and you'll see for yourself firsthand. I can't tell you how many times I've gone into Wendy's and ordered a hamburger, only to hear the first words from their mouth: "You want that with cheese?"

The nerve of those minimum wage employees! Asking the customer how they want their food served! I'm writing a letter to my congressperson as we speak!

Of course I don't want that with cheese. If I wanted it with cheese, I would've ordered a cheeseburger — not a hamburger. Why not ask if I want it with a colonoscopy at that point?

I almost hesitate to point out that your average customer, perhaps even a vast majority of customers, would strongly prefer a slice of cheese to a colonoscopy. Obviously, Jonathan David Morris is not your average customer.

This — and not something crazy, like my health — is the reason I've virtually cut fast food from my regular diet. I just can't take the blatant slaps in my face anymore.

It's brilliant that he's offended by them offering him cheese, but not by the constant snickering from the counter staff when they get a look at his ill-advised attempt at facial hair.

For $10 million, there's no doubt in my mind Jackson's lawsuit has a certain get-rich-quick quality to it. But if it puts these evil cheese peddlers at McDonald's in their place, then I say do it. Sue the cheese out of them.

Yes, $10 million seems like a perfectly reasonable sum to pay for your irrational hatred of fast food cheese.

Maybe next time you'll serve me what I actually ordered — instead of sandwiching your hate-filled, cheese-pushing agenda between two soggy buns.

We'll now pause briefly to giggle at his use of "hate-filled", "cheese-pushing", and "soggy buns" in the same sentence.

All right. I'm glad we got that out. Now... Having read the article, does anyone else get the distinct impression that Jonathan David Morris just got rejected by the counter girl at the local Burger King?

With any luck he'll soon be rejected by a woman from his local Objectivist discussion group. It would make the world a much better place.

Shorter Rudy Takala

2007-08-12T12:26:00.000-04:00

Bridges of Socialism:

As a Muslim and a socialist, US Rep. Keith Ellison was clearly responsible for the Minneapolis bridge collapse, although the only example I can come up with would appear to indicate otherwise.

Also, Ayn Rand totally knew this was going to happen!

For more insight into Rudy's unique writing style, let's take a look at his bio at the bottom of the article:

Rudy Takala is 18 years old and is the chairman of Minnesota's Pine County Republicans. He was homeschooled for nine years, and is currently a junior at Hamline University.

[...]

Rudy hopes for a career in which he is able to continue antagonizing proponents of the State. Currently, he spends his free time laboring over a book concerning the American government's school system.

Geez. I wouldn't have thought someone so incapable of making a logical point would have been homeschooled would you?

Although I love that he's writing a book about the "American government's school system". Hmmm... Writing a book about something he has no experience with... it's so cute that he's barely of age and he's already figured out how to work the Wingnut Welfare system.

Shorter J. Matt Barber

2007-06-24T15:17:00.001-04:00

"Gay Marriage" -- it's alive!:

Hey, this slope is really slipp... AAAAGH! Scary gay couples! Quick -- grab the torches and pitchforks!

Above: Following graduation, Flounder became
a Concerned Woman for America.

Renew America's Logic Gymnastics, Part I

2007-06-23T15:15:00.000-04:00

Everyone's favorite curmudgeon, ~~Grandpa Simpson~~ Carey Roberts, takes a break from screaming at the neighbor kids to demonstrate some truly breathtaking leaps in logic. Let's have a look, shall we?

Says Roberts:

Keep looking, and you'll see the platform of US Communist Party proclaims, "Among the forms of oppression women experience are attacks on their reproductive rights; lack of quality, affordable day care; inequality in child rearing and household work; sexual harassment on the job; and domestic and sexual violence."

Now let's pay a visit to the website of the National Organization for Women at www.now.org and compare agendas:

Reproductive rights? Yep.

Day care and child-rearing? Check.

Sexual harassment? Yes, of course.

Domestic violence? You bet!

Do you detect a scintilla of difference between the positions advocated by the US Communist Party and the NOW? Neither do I.

Brilliant! Because the NOW holds a few (not particularly revolutionary) ideas in common with the Communist Party, they're clearly a bunch of commies! After all, if you agree with someone on something, it isn't possible to disagree on anything else.

Roberts' body may be withered and frail, but his mind is limber, and he's not content to stop his mental cartwheels there. He won't stop until he's stretched this association out to include the anti-Christ herself, Hillary Clinton. Can he do it?

Then do a Google search that matches "Hillary Clinton" to each of the CPUSA demands. Is it a mere coincidence that the Communist Party, the National Organization for Women, and Hillary Clinton are marching in lockstep with each other?

Breathtaking! I love this use of logic! A person can ominously link anyone to any unpopular cause using only a few common factors. Hmmm... I wonder if I can do it too. I'll give it a shot:

Much like Adolf Hitler, Carey Roberts served in the army, is hostile toward Marxism, believes a woman's place is in the home, and was born in the late 1880s. Therefore, Carey Roberts is a dangerous individual and should be pre-emptively detained for the benefit of society.

Whee! This is fun!

But I digress. Let's return to Mr. Roberts' routine, to marvel at his awe-inspiring dismount:

So how did communism lead to the deaths of over 100 million persons around the globe? Simple — in its fanatical quest to achieve a classless and genderless society, it tramples on individual rights, resorting to intrusive and eventually repressive state power.

That's why we should fear Hillary Clinton.

Bravo! Because Hillary believes in the rights of women to pursue careers, her election will clearly result in the deaths of countless American citizens!

It takes a special talent to twist logic into knots like that. Mr. Roberts, we salute you!

Of onions and vortexes

2007-06-21T20:16:00.000-04:00

Rather than take the issue on myself, I'd like to point you to Jon Swift's coverage of the latest meltdown by the internet's best known self-centrist blogger. Here's a sample:

So she doesn't care whose links enter her vortex?
You might think that before inviting someone into her vortex she might like to get to know them a little better, perhaps go out on a few dates first. But Althouse is on a never-ending search for a link that fulfills her and so far the only link that truly satisfies her is a link from Instapundit--or his wife.

Oh, I see. So what happens to the other links?
They suffer a terrible fate. You see her vortex is not as inviting as she claims. In fact, it is a vortex dentata. Any blogger who strays too far into this vortex ends up emasculated by one of Althouse's withering put-downs. They either get accused of being too stupid to realize she was just joking or she mocks the size of the blogger's link, for example, by calling one blogger a "grouchy little prick" or saying of another that his name means "little penis."

It's well worth reading the whole thing, as he more or less hands her her onion rings.

Carrot sticks, anyone?

College World Series: Beavers/Eaters edition

2007-06-20T18:52:00.000-04:00

In a few minutes, my beloved Oregon State will be playing UC Irvine in a College World Series match-up. Oregon State's Beavers are undefeated in their side of the double-elimination bracket, so they need to beat 2-1 UC Irvine either tonight or tomorrow (if they lose tonight) to advance to the finals.

UC Irvine is the Anteaters, but for reasons I can't quite fathom, they've chosen to splash the front of their jerseys with "EATERS". This, of course, makes tonight's game a match-up between the Beavers and the Eaters. I can hardly contain myself.

For any of you who actually care about baseball, take a look at this fabulous double play turn by Beavers 2B Joey Wong earlier in the CWS:

For those of you who don't care about baseball, but think the match-up is funny, please feel free to make wildly inappropriate jokes in the comments.

Also, in honor of the exceedingly bizzare stance the NCAA has taken on liveblogging from the stadiums, I'll be posting updates throughout the game. Hopefully representatives from the NCAA won't show up at the Crackhouse and disconnect my cable as retribution.

Top 1st: Eaters threaten, but the Beavs make it through untouched. 2 hits, 1 K, 0-0 score.

Bottom 1st: Beavers get to second base, but the Eaters hold them off. 1 hit in that half of the inning, 0-0 score.

Top 2nd: Beavers double up the Eaters, and get a whiff for the third out. Score stays 0-0.

Bottom 2nd: Beavers just can't get anything going. Still 0-0.

Top 3rd: Eaters go down in order. I was so waiting for that to happen. Still 0-0

Bottom 3rd: The ball gets away from the Eaters and one comes in. Then a Beaver goes deep. 4-0 Beavers.

Important Fact: Orel Hershiser is one of the commentators for tonight's game. That's right, a guy named Orel is calling the Beavers and Eaters. Carry on.

Top 4th: Eaters get one in, but strand a pair. 4-1 Beavers.

Bottom 4th: Apparently the Beavers' turn to go down in order. Still 4-1 Beavs.

Top 5th: Eaters seem to like to go down in order. Won't argue with that. 4-1 Beavs.

Bottom 5th: Beavers grind another one out. 5-1 Beavs.

Top 6th: Eaters just can't get past first base. 5-1 Beavers.

Bottom 6th: Eaters put some balls in the dirt, but it's not enough for the Beavers to take advantage of. 5-1 Beavs.

Important Fact: John Belushi is not actually dead. He has resurfaced and is playing for UC Irvine:

That guy plays for the Eaters? No way.

Top 7th: Eaters go hungry again. 5-1 Beavers.

Bottom 7th: Beavers keep going up the middle. 6-1 Beavs.

Top 8th: Eaters can't make good contact. Still 6-1 Beavs.

Bottom 8th: Beavers get down and dirty, and manage to score. 7-1 Beavers.

Top 9th: The Eaters leave their encounter with the Beavers unsatisfied. Final score: 7-1 Beavers.

Bottom 9th: There was no bottom of the 9th. Sometimes there are more tops than bottoms.

Aaaaand... that pretty much wraps it up. Oregon State goes to the championship series.

Shorter (and then longer) Dr. Mike Adams, Ph.D.

2007-06-18T13:26:00.000-04:00

Homie-phobia:

My Philanthropic Friends—It is my painful duty to address some words to you this evening, on the Rights of Negroes.

Oh crap. My bad. That wasn’t Mike Adams, that was actually Thomas Carlyle, opening a vile racist screed from 1853. Not a hard mistake to make though, really.

AND NOW... LONGER DR. MIKE

Adams’ actual column might have something of a point, if it didn’t use ridiculously stereotypical (and probably fabricated) examples. Which is to say: Holding someone to a lower standard for whatever reason isn’t going to challenge them to excel.

But the examples are ridiculous. Let’s start with this one:

A teacher once told me about a student who walks around campus with a comb in his afro, a jam box on his shoulder, and a pair of jeans falling off his butt leaving six inches of his boxers exposed to the public. Unsurprisingly, the teacher thinks his appearance is working to his detriment.

My dear God, have you ever heard of such apparel on a college campus? The scandal of it all! I feel faint!

Seriously, I’ve spent quite a bit of time on college campuses, and I can’t think of any profs who have made a habit of commenting on their students’ attire. But then, most of them aren’t silly enough to assume that what you’re wearing when you stagger in to an 8 AM class is the same outfit you’d pick out for a job interview.

Moving on, let’s look at another:

I’m thinking, too, of a professor who has a bit of a problem keeping his affections for female students in check while in the classroom. The problem gets a lot worse when he sucks down a few drinks. In fact, he can be seen slobbering all over coeds in public on any given weekend.

His argument here is that no one is willing to say anything about this behavior because the professor is black, an argument that might make my eyes roll a little less if academia had a rich history of curtailing this kind of thing in white professors (of either gender).

He also uses an example of a university employee who is known to be committing a crime, but no one is willing to prosecute him for this, because he is black. Right. Because prosecutors (especially in the South!) have a long history of shying away from cases involving individuals with darker complexions. I remember reading that somewhere.

Anyway, Adams tortures a few other straw-examples on his way to his major thesis, which is apparently that not calling out people of another race for their all their flaws, for fear of people labeling you a racist, is itself racist.

I’m going to read this as generously as I can, and assume that Dr. Mike is not, in fact, pompous enough to think he knows what’s best for an entire race. Rather, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, and assume that he points out every flaw he can find in everyone else, regardless of race. This would, of course, excuse him on charges of racism, but not on charges of being a self-righteous pain in the ass.

BONUS ADVICE FOR DR. MIKE - About this:

We’ve all heard of the concept of “homophobia,” which I argue contributes to stereotypes of gays as hypersensitive and emotionally unstable. Maybe it’s time to talk about a thing I call “homie-phobia” and how it hurts our perceptions of black males in the age of “tolerance” and “diversity.”

Far be it from me to interfere with you making yourself look like a tool, but if you’re going to try to appear clever by co-opting outdated slang for your own purposes, you might consider checking to see if you actually got there first. The Urban Dictionary entry for Homey-phobia might have helped you in this case.

ICE Capades

2007-06-17T22:23:00.000-04:00

In a stunning two-fer of incompetence and obstinance, US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) have apparently deported a developmentally disabled US citizen, and aren't being particularly helpful in helping his family locate him:

From the LA Times:

The family of an American citizen who disappeared after apparently being mistakenly deported to Tijuana a month ago has filed suit asking the U.S. government to help find him.

Pedro Guzman, 29, a Lancaster construction worker, is developmentally disabled and penniless, and he hasn't been heard from since May 11, said his family at a news conference in Los Angeles on Monday.

His mother, Maria Carbajal, said she spent the last month in Tijuana living out of her car while searching in vain for her son. She said neither the U.S. nor the Mexican government has helped in her search for him.

Apparently Mr. Guzman, who was serving a short sentece for misdemeanor trespassing, had initially identified himself as being born in California, but at some point during his stay in jail was identified (via unclear means) as a non-citizen. For whatever reason (um... possibly related to mental impairment?) he signed off on a voluntary removal form, leading to his deportation.

So... you take a developmentally disabled individual, and because he looks, let's say... Mexican... you disregard any prior information you had about his US citizenship, and any doubts you might have about his competence, and let him sign a form that ships him off to Tijuana? And now no one can locate him? Wow. The people at ICE must be frantic trying to correct this egregious error!

Let's hear from them:

In a statement, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials said they deport a person only "when all available credible evidence suggests the person is an alien. That process was followed here and ICE has no reason to believe that it improperly removed Pedro Guzman."

What?!? No... that can't be right. No one would claim something that ridiculous. Perhaps the LA Times reporter just wrote the quote down wrong. Let's look around for another source.

Here's one! It's KNBC in Los Angeles:

ICE spokeswoman Virginia Kice said in a statement that the agency partners with the county jail "to ensure that criminals, who are identified as aliens, are screened for removal from the U.S."

"ICE only processes persons for removal when all available credible evidence suggests the person is an alien. That process was followed here, and ICE has no reason to believe that it improperly removed Pedro Guzman Carbajal," she said.

ICE "carries out its mission judiciously, fairly and appropriately," her statement adds.

Excuse me a minute while I scrape my jaw off the floor.

[...]

So, despite the fact that he's a US citizen (I haven't seen anything reported that contests that), and there's no legal way to deport a US citizen from the US, ICE "has no reason to believe that it improperly removed" Mr. Guzman?

Seriously?

No... seriously?

What do they pay this woman? Judiciously, fairly, and appropriately? I shudder to think what she would regard as unfair or inappropriate treatment.

All the cool kids have gone paperless

2007-06-15T20:57:00.000-04:00

After reading Gavin M.'s shorter of David Broder over at Sadly, No!, I was inspired to go out and look at some of the arguments people are trying to make in opposition to a paper trail for electronic voting machines. The most enlightening piece I found was published a few weeks back by the Deseret News, titled "Vote 'No' on Paper Ballots". Let's take a look, shall we?

Should the state of Utah be forced to lay out millions of dollars to create paper "backups" of its electronic voting ballots?

No.

The idea is the brainchild of people — on a national level — who are uncomfortable with advances in technology. And besides, experience has shown that paper ballots can be an even bigger headache than the electronic versions.

Yes, those people who are concerned about electronic voting machines are all a bunch of technophobes. Take for example, this testimony to the US House of Representatives last month:

Many of today’s electronic voting machines have security problems. The ones at greatest risk are the paperless DRE voting machines. These paperless machines are vulnerable to attack: a single person with insider access and some technical knowledge could switch votes, perhaps undetected, and potentially swing an election. With this technology, we cannot be certain that our elections have not been corrupted.

Who wrote that, you may ask? Some associate prof in the Computer Science department at Cal named David Wagner. Let me tell you, if there's anyone afraid of technology, it's those computer science professors.

Back to the editorial:

The concern is understandable, of course. New inventions make nervous Nellies of us all. People once feared that microwave ovens would make them sterile or that garage door openers might lead to cancer. Humorist James Thurber recalled that his mother would never leave light sockets open in the house because she was convinced electricity would leak out, costing her money and threatening her health.

Such things are often the source of urban folk legends. Trepidation before the unknown is a natural human reaction.

Well, they've got one thing right. Trepidation before the unknown is a natural human reaction. I, for instance, have no idea what it would feel like to spontaneously combust. It seems unpleasant though, so I'm going to guess that my reservations are well-founded.

Overcoming that trepidation, however, is the mark of education and understanding.

Again, you only want to overcome trepidation if what you're nervous about is actually a good thing. Having just obtained my PhD, I haven't suddenly overcome my aversion to being mowed down by a bus. Education and understanding should make you more open to exploring new ideas; I don't think they should make you a foolhardy git.

Right now, some people are worried there are gremlins in the current voting machines — that electronic voting is unreliable and open to tampering. They spout anecdotal evidence of irregularities here and there to fuel their fear and want paper ballot backups to fend off any conspirators. It's the same kind of itchy-witchy thinking that leads people to hide bags of money under their mattresses.

Breaking News: The National Institute of Standards and Technology keeps a large portion of their budget stashed under their mattress!

And dare we say that almost all of those those skittish souls are likely older than 40? The younger generation sees the outcry for the tangible comfort of paper ballots as a hallmark of the fuddy-duddy. The notion sounds, to young ears, like people demanding election results be chiseled into granite for security.

We agree.

Oh, those silly old squares! Like the guy who wrote this piece for the Baltimore Sun, explaining the dangers of a paperless electronic system. Just look at the guy! What an old geezer!

Utahns do not have the time, money or obligation to create a "security blanket" of paper ballots for Luddites to wrap around themselves in the night. The electronic voting era is upon us. Our state leaders have done a superb job of getting the new system up and running and trouble-shooting glitches as they have surfaced.

We suggest a little more faith and a little less fright.

Honestly, what is there to be afraid of, anyway? Just because some Luddites at Princeton recently demonstrated security flaws in a commonly used electronic voting machine? Only uneducated, technophobic wimps would be scared off by a minor detail like that!

Those wringing their hands should take a couple of aspirins and relax by counting their mattress money.

Amen! And while they're at it, I'm off to the NIST to get into their cash before they bury it in a coffee can in the back yard.

Fighting the Good fight.

2007-06-15T11:15:00.000-04:00

The big story here in Massachusetts yesterday was the legislature voting against allowing a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage on the ballot. Content to rely on one of Boston’s finest (read: free) print news sources to see what the “man on the street” thinks about the whole thing, I flipped open a copy of Boston Now to see what I could find. Here’s one opinion:

The existence of my family should not be placed to a vote.
Dorea Vierling-Claassen
Somerville

Well, that seems reasonable enough. Let's hear from the other side. Surely they have a rational point to make:

This is not a civil right. They didn't suffer like the blacks did. They don't have the right to use that. Homosexuality breeds violence. If we don't get this vote you'll see bad things start to happen in the world.
Tom Good
Dorchester

Whoa. Homosexuality breeds violence? He must be referring to that scene in Brokeback Mountain where Ennis bloodies Jack's nose. Or perhaps he's talking about violence against homosexuals. Still, the ominous threat of bad things starting to happen in the world (unlike now, where life is sunshine and ponies around the globe) is something to take under advisement.

I must say, I disagree with the people who wanted to put this on the ballot, but I figured they could find a representative to make at least a slightly better point than that. Perhaps this "Good" fellow was just a plant put there to make their side look, well, like hateful idiots.

So, using the magic of Google, I dug up a few other choice quotes from Mr. Good on other occasions. As it happens, this wasn't his first rally, nor his first time expressing his (using the term loosely here) thoughts to the press. I'm torn between thinking that he's a clever and dedicated parody, or just a run-of-the-mill loudmouth jerk who has nothing better to do than attend rallies in the hope of infringing on the rights of others. Perhaps you all can help me decide. Here are some quotes from other sources to add to the evidence pile:

From Boston Indymedia last November:

"I'm a Christian ok. We have a right to vote on this because if we get to vote, they are going to lose.”

"They are like termites, eating away the moral foundations of this country,” he says gesturing to the other side of the road. "The Bible says if the foundations are taken away then we have nothing."

He continues "If we don't deal with this it's going be chaotic, people are going say 'Can I marry a tree?', 'Can I marry a dog?'."

Yes, the rash of human-dog nuptials since gay marriage became legal in Massachusetts has been really alarming. Honestly, what kind of gift do you get for a man and his Great Dane? It's just too horrible to think about.

Let's look at another, from BU's Daily Free Press:

"This country's based on moral fiber," Good said. "I believe in a man and a woman. Two men is a very selfish relationship. They just care about themselves. They think it's love, but its not. Homosexuality is a sexual perversion."

Well, that settles it. Gays want the right to marry because they only care about themselves. Unlike Mr. Good, who cares about everyone. Including trees. And dogs.

Anyway, I'll let you all chime in as to whether you think he's for real or not. Personally, while I'd like to believe that no one like that actually exists, I fear he's legit. So, you'll have to excuse me now. I'm off to prepare for all of the bad things that are going to happen in the world as a result of this vote.

BONUS MATERIAL: Pam Spaulding has compiled some Freeper reactions to the vote over at Pandagon. Just to make this whole thing even better, many of them are blaming Mitt Romney. Sweet.

In which my family issues a press release...

2007-06-14T20:09:00.001-04:00

Well, not really, but my sister-in-law was interviewed for a story about the doctoral hooding at MIT. The important part:

Marita Barth's family also got to spend some quality time together. Her parents, brother, sister-in-law and niece all took a red-eye flight from Oregon to see her receive her Ph.D. in biological engineering.

"The whole family came out," said Barth's sister-in-law, Stephanie Barth. "We're really proud of her. She worked so hard."

Barth, who is married to Marita's brother, Stephen, cradled her 15-month-old daughter, Anna, while waiting for the ceremony to begin. "We've been telling her all week we're going to come out to see Marita," she said.

Little Anna was just one of dozens of young children attending the celebration, which offers guests a special "stroller parking" zone outside Rockwell Cage, where the ceremony is held

Of course that should be Ana with a single "n", and my degree is not in engineering, but I suppose we'll take whatever press we can get.

I'm getting settled in to my new post-doc, so I should be blogging more regularly now. You've been warned.

Shorter Dean Hancock

2007-05-25T10:25:00.000-04:00

Hancock's Father Files Suit:

Despite the fact that he was drunk, speeding, talking on his cell phone, and not wearing a seat belt, my son's tragic death was everyone's fault but his own.

Yeah, go after the guy in the stalled Geo Prism. I'm sure he's got loads of cash.

Republican Girls Gone Wild?

2007-02-26T21:53:00.000-05:00

Just in case you haven't encountered anything thus far today that made you want to gouge your eyes out and collapse, ears bleeding, in a fetal position on the floor:

Yep, those rowdy Republican women of the America Show have put out yet another episode. It wouldn't have seemed possible, but I think it may actually be worse than their previous efforts.

Honestly, if this were a trio of pre-teens, I might cringe a little bit, but think it was sweet that they were trying. I'm wondering, however, who does these grown women the disservice of telling them that they're doing anything but completely embarrassing themselves. It's a little cruel. To them, and to us.

Macho, macho man

2007-02-25T12:31:00.000-05:00

Shorter Doug Giles: I'm not gay. I'm not. STOP LAUGHING! I'm not gay, and I'll shoot something to prove it!

Above: Doug Giles: Sleek, smooth-chested, and decidedly NOT GAY

This is truly an amazing feat. Mr. Giles has compiled every stereotype he can think of in what I can only assume is a mental checklist he's made of things he should avoid doing. It's kind of sad, really. How many innocent squirrels and possums will have to die before he gets over his self-loathing?

UPDATE: Oh Good Lord, you can view Mr. Giles on YouTube. This one really has it all, including some blatant racism and a singing skunk puppet. Enjoy yourselves:

Conservapedia: Redefining Reality

2007-02-23T23:37:00.000-05:00

I'll jump on the bandwagon here, and share my favorite entries from the new Conservapedia, a wiki-based alternative to that evil, secular entity, wikipedia.

I'm sure some of the people who have been editing the Conservapedia are sincere, but I don't think you can convince me that there aren't a large number of liberal smartasses over there writing up entries as satire. Some of the entries are so random and idiotic that I don't think an army of Mark Noonans could have written them up in earnest. Allow me to reproduce the current Conservapedia entry for Vaccine:

A weakened or inactive version of a pathogen that stimulates the body's production of antibodies which can destroy the pathogen.[1].

Older vaccines got rid of smallpox and polio, which was good. Newer vaccines are being developed for use against sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). This is wrong, as it frees children to behave irresponsibly by removing the consequences of their actions. Vaccines against STDs are unnecessary for those who live Godly Christian lives (i.e., practicing monogamy and avoiding use of injected illegal drugs); such diseases are the just punishment of those who are un-Godly. While it is true that such vaccination may prevent infection of innocent lives (for example, a monogamous woman may be infected with AIDS, and pass the disease along to her children, due to a husband's use of drugs before marriage) some amount of loss of innocent life must be accepted as collateral damage for morality.

Pretty funny, if taken from a (darkly) humorous standpoint. Pretty mortifying if they (as a community) feel that it represents their views well enough to let it stand. I wonder what the official biblical line on "collateral damage" is.

I was also a fan of their Ninteenth Amendment [sic] definition:

The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex.

Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.

In an early example of judicial activism, this amendment was ratified in 1920, as advocates ("suffragettes") cited women's support of World War I to persuade President Woodrow Wilson to change his position from opposing this amendment to supporting it. Women could already vote in many areas of the country, but this amendment guaranteed the right, in violation of the principle of states' rights.

Stupid activist judges. Gave the womens the vote, and look how the country has gone to hell!

There's plenty there ripe for the picking. Some of it was probably even written by people who believe what they wrote. You all have fun with it.

UPDATE: Yep, parody confirmed. A lot of the substance of that "Vaccine" article was written by one "Hiram Whickermeister III". I found this in the comments section of a post over at Pharyngula:

that update was mine, I'm afraid (or that of my Conservapedia userid, Hiram Whickermeister III). The original was all too sciency, so I had to make sure the poor wee conservatives' minds, such as they are, were drawn back to what really matters.
If you liked that, check out my entry for patriotism.
Posted by: Mrs Tilton | February 22, 2007 10:37 AM

Mrs. Tilton, we salute you. May many others follow in your footsteps.

It's official!

2007-02-23T10:21:00.000-05:00

R. Porrofatto is the winner of the Atlas photoshop competition with the animated "Rug Lick". Here again, in all its glory:

There were a few more entries that came in after the voting had finished that really deserve to be seen. The first is from Ricardo:

That one leaves me nearly speechless. I wouldn't be surprised to see her appropriate it for her own blog, Ricardo.

The next two are from the The Culture Ghost:

Hmmm... a Pam made of Spam...

Anyway, R. Porrofatto, if you get in touch with me, we'll figure out your prize. A CD off of an Amazon wishlist maybe? A box of Rugelach? (R's joke, not mine, by the way) Shoot me an e-mail and we'll get it sorted.

PS: For anyone dying to see all the entries, you can click here.

Pencils down!

2007-02-16T11:59:00.000-05:00

Errr... times up! Or something.

It's now noon on Friday, so voting is officially over in the Atlas Photoshop challenge. I need to double check my e-mail, to make sure that I haven't missed any votes, but things are looking awfully good for Rug Lick.

While I'm counting up voting results on my fingers (and toes!), and sorting out prizey things, I'll give you all something else to be entertained by. Via the Artist Formerly Known As Juanita Herownself, a (Republican) member of the Texas House is circulating a Georgia Lawmaker's memo challenging evolution on the grounds that, well:

Indisputable evidence – long hidden but now available to everyone – demonstrates conclusively that so-called 'secular evolution science' is the Big Bang, 15-billion-year, alternate 'creation scenario' of the Pharisee Religion," writes Mr. Bridges, a Republican from Cleveland, Ga. He has argued against teaching of evolution in Georgia schools for several years.

The whole story in the Dallas Morning News is well worth a read. And when you're done there, go to the Fixed Earth website to learn even more about how evolution and the notion that the earth is in motion around the sun are a lie.

Disclaimer: I am hoping that the Fixed Earth site is parody, but have been unable to find good evidence that it is. I am not responsible for anything you spit on your keyboard if you follow the link to their site.

Atlas: The reckoning

2007-02-13T23:11:00.000-05:00

Before this blog fades back into well-deserved obscurity, I suppose I should hold the vote for the winner of the Atlas Photoshop Challenge. I'm still undecided on a prize, so maybe you can continue suggestions in the comments section below.

Gavin M. has requested that he not be included in the voting, so that makes your choices (in the order they were received):

-----
scarshapedstar, with Corn Dog Atlas

Clif, with the Atlas Crack Ho Down

Julie_O, with the Atlas: The Gathering

Anonymous, with Vampire Atlas

tigrismus, with Baldy Dreams of Peace

Liberal Avenger, with the (technically not PS'd) Zombie Pam and Spit or Swallow dual entry

R. Porrofatto, with Rug Lick

Banana Slug, with "John knew right then that his "Moustache Rides 25 Cents" T-shirt had failed him again"

A late entry into the fray, Ricardo, with The Silence of the Atlas

And another new entry from Joe at American Leftist, titled "Mind Meld"

(Update) Comandante Agi submits "The Intelligently Designed Banana: Atlas Juggs vs. Ray Comfort " for your consideration

-----

To put you in voting mood, here's an Atlas video that she's titled: "Atlas IInterviews Jeb Bush"

If by "iinterview", she meant "ask an insane question that he couldn't get away from fast enough", then yes, yes indeed she did.

I'm not going to be delusional enough to set stringent voting rules, since this is Blogger and anyone who wanted to game the vote could. Cast your vote either in comments or via e-mail, and Friday at noon I'll total the votes and declare a winner. If you choose to vote in comments, please pick a username that isn't anonymous, so we can at least pretend we're trying to do this fairly.

Again, if you have a suggestion for a prize (a graphic for the winner's blog, an actual atlas, an old ratty copy of an Ayn Rand book, pie), please let me hear it in comments. And you kids play nice. After all, we're all united against a common enemy here.

(P.S. - Everyone is encouraged to vote, even if you're new around these parts. Join the fun!)

More Atlas-mania

2007-02-11T15:29:00.000-05:00

Whew. I just got off the ice after my first hockey practice following a long layoff. I may be in the worst shape of my adult life at the moment, so while I sit here and focus on holding down my Powerade, I'll let other people entertain you all.

The Liberal Avenger gives us two images, but I'm not sure they've actually been Photoshopped. She may just look that bad in a screen cap. The first is entitled "Pam as a Zombie"

Mmmm.... Brains....

The second from the Liberal Avenger is titled (Sorry, Mom, I didn't name it, but I would hate to interfere with anyone's art) "Pam: Spit or Swallow"

Wow. That's just... Yeah.

I have one more fabulous entry that I've received via e-mail, and it's really very good, but it's a .mov file, and Blogger won't let me do it. It's only 92 kb... so, would someone who isn't limited by Blogger be willing to host the image for me? I promise it's worth it. (Alternatively, if someone can convert a quicktime file to an animated .gif, I think that would work as well).

Keep them coming, everyone! Tomorrow we'll see about selecting some finalists.

UPDATE!!

A lovely soul has converted R.Porrofatto's entry to an animated .gif for me. Here we go:

Tasty.

And, keeping with the Bolton theme Banana Slug sends us this:

Quoth Banana Slug: "It is titled simply: John knew right then that his "Moustache Rides 25 Cents" T-shirt had failed him again.".

It's not too late to send in an entry guys, so feel free to either comment with a link, or e-mail me your entry!

Atlastastic!

2007-02-10T19:37:00.000-05:00

We're getting some fabulous efforts in the our Photoshop Challenge. Here are the latest:

Clif has come up with this little number:

As someone who lives in a crackhouse (No, really! Ask anyone who's been here!), I find this deeply offensive. OK, no I don't (find it offensive, that is). Nice job, Clif!

Julie_O provides us with an Atlas trading card:

I'd say that will be a collector's item in no time. Is that her rookie card?

Via e-mail, anonymous offers up a subtle reworking:

I was unaware that harpies could become vampires, but I like it.

Also, tigrismus gives us: "Baldy Dreams of Peace"

It's a dream world for us all, tigrismus.

Wow, I'm getting enough entries that I should actually consider things like "judging" and "prizes". Any (reasonable) suggestions, anyone?

UPDATE I've added in another batch of entries here.

For whom the harpy shrieks....

2007-02-08T00:53:00.000-05:00

Sometimes things will sneak up on you. Ages ago, I did this post, suggesting a group effort to assist google in delivering the best possible result for the search term shrieking harpy. It took some time, but I'm pleased to say that the effort has been largely successful. Many thanks to all who have helped.

To celebrate, I'd like to continue to take advantage of everyone else's skills, and have a wee photoshop contest. My photoshop ability is lacking, but I've got something of a knack for freezing YouTube at just the right time to get a good screenshot. So, if I provide the raw material, I'd love to see what you all can do with it. I'll give you a few options:

Option 1: The Air Quotes of Evil

Option 2: A Taste of Atlas

Option 3: Atlas Chokes

If you want to play, please put a link to your effort in the comments. For those of you who aren't photoshop inclined, but still want to snark, feel free to write your own captions.

There may even be prizes involved. I won't say for sure, but if you kids are really good, there might be a tasty treat in it for you...

UPDATE! The talented Gavin M. e-mails with his entry:

I think we'll call it "Atlas interviews the president and former UN ambassador John Bolton".

ANOTHER UPDATE!! scarshapedstar chimes in with a Powerline augmentation:

UPDATED AGAIN!!! Even more great entries, which I've put in a new post, here. Keep 'em coming, kids!

AND AGAIN!!1!!1!! The hits just keep on coming. Click here for still another batch of entries.

THE UPDATE TO END ALL UPDATES!!! Go here to see all the entries and vote!

Boston's Aqua Teen Hunger Pangs Continue...

2007-02-01T17:48:00.000-05:00

Just to make yesterday's events in Boston seem more bizarre, now there's this footage of a post-arraignment press conference (of sorts) with the two men charged with, well, terrorizing the city with Lite-Brites.

I'm guessing you'd have to be pretty confident that the charges were baseless (the judge seems to agree), to put on that kind of a show for the cameras.

In other news, our friends at 3Bulls ponder the terrorist threat posed by other retro toys. Chilling.

My Spidey sense must suck...

2007-01-31T21:19:00.000-05:00

Somehow I was able to be completely oblivious to any of this today. Pretty amazing, given that based on the artist's website, which is here, a lot of these were pretty close to where I am. In fact there's one I walk by all the time:

(photo from www.zebbler.com)

I never noticed a thing. I guess I'm not very good at sensing danger.

Seriously though, I appreciate the vigilance of law enforcement, but I don't see how these things look like bombs. I especially don't see how it's reasonable to arrest the artist who put these up. Yikes.