marital bless

Father's Day 2013/Tony's 32nd Birthday

2013-06-19T17:21:00.001-05:00

Last year they were rolled into one, this year, not so much, but I'm still going for the combo post!

We kept both days really low key [read: I didn't plan well enough at all and just did the bare minimum]. The gift that he didn't express he wanted, but I knew so well he longed for [hah!] was a picture of him with all three kids, so we tried for a few minutes after church.

This resulted in an absolutely hilarious and unfortunate photo bomb by Miri's foot . . . which inadvertently looks like a tiny penis. Tony's not as much of a fan of it as everyone else.

Seriously though, this man, as my husband is incredible. His capacity to love me, especially when I'm most unlovable, is so far without end. But as a father, he really is something else. Our children have the most amazing Dad, even if they don't know it yet.

Happy Father's Day and birthday, baby daddy. I love you.

Miriam: Two Months

2013-06-18T09:31:00.001-05:00

Oh my goodness, this is pretty much just a photo dump . . . and two days late at that! Ms. Miri, I'm definitely trying my best to keep up with how many pictures I took of your brothers, but I'm falling far behind.

Thankfully, your Dad has been helping!

He insists that he's forgotten how, but I know better.

Your eyes are still blue.

Your brothers still adore you, even if they're more accustomed to your presence.

You attended your first wedding.

You went camping for the first time!

And slept most of the time.

Although there was some time for tummy time.

And adventures with Daddy.

We started to get a lot more smiles from you!

And you seem to have officially put your newborn clothes behind you. So bittersweet!

We've had fun trying on new 0-3 and 3 month outfits.

You started to chunk up a little bit, although your 2 month checkup isn't for another week for the official stats.

We've also decided that yellow is definitely a good color on you!

Although, that'll never stop me from dressing you in blue! Obviously.

Oh sweet baby girl, thank you for an amazing two months.

My Mojo

2013-06-11T14:32:00.001-05:00

I lost my mojo.

I don't just meaning my blogging mojo either.

To specify, I mean all of it.

I love the pattern our days were taking.

I felt very confident in finally filling the role of wife & mother.

Enter returning to my photographer role.

Everything has been a little bit of limbo for the last 4 weeks, since I shot my first session.

I'm not supposed to say that.

I'm supposed to say everything has continued on it's merry course.

But it hasn't.

This is when the real juggling begins.

Deciding what slides and what is to actually be accomplished, or let's be real, attempted.

I need my mojo back.

I forgot to put my name and addresses on it for return, but if you find it, kindly do so.

Because in just a month, I'll be adding my full time job back into the mix.

And the weddings, blessedly, keep coming!

Tony tells me that he believes in, but I know I'll need some prayer on my behalf!

Miri | 8 weeks

2013-06-07T16:56:00.000-05:00

In the blink of an eye, my newborn is now 8 weeks old. Words seem to fail me, regularly and in speaking about my kids, it's no different. I love this sweet little thing an indescribable amount.

Tomorrow, I have my first wedding of the season. I've taken sessions to prepare for my return and have eased into the demands and workflow, but tomorrow means something different. I look forward to it so much, but I know it means my maternity leave has come to an end.

I'll always treasure this focused time that I've had to immerse myself in my children's lives, and especially to get to bond with my little miss.

What a wonderful 8 weeks it's been!

Sweetheart

2013-06-03T09:51:00.000-05:00

On Saturday Tony cut out and installed an egress window. He dug out the whole last fall, so with the warmer weather, the resulting dirt pile was a magnet for the boys to play in. Now, I'm not one who is opposed to kids getting dirty, but filthy and dirty are two different things. And I didn't blame them one bit! Clearly the best place to play in our backyard would be this dirt pile!

So I did something I very rarely do, I dusted off my honey-do list. See my honey-do list barely even exists, as Tony has enough ideas and projects to accomplish around the house! With this one though, I needed that dirt pile gone! All I had to say on Thursday was "Soooo, what do you need to finish off that window?" and Tony got going on it immediately, by purchasing the window and consulting Saturday's forecast.

Thankfully the whole project went pretty smoothly and Tony was showered and relaxing on the couch by 10:00pm.

ps :: Doesn't Ezra look like Tony's carbon copy here?

With it being a successful DIY, the real story were the absolute treasures Tony unearthed while finishing the hole: toads. He found even more than the three that he gave Isaac, but thankfully thought better of giving Isaac too many.

Ezra tried smooshing them, so unfortunately he just follows Isaac around begging for a toad. Aside from that, back yard toad pets have been the highlight of our week! Isaac has shown them the entire backyard and excitedly ran up to me to say "I call them sweetheart! Because they're my sweethearts."

I have faint memories of life being so simple and joyful. I love being able to shape some of the same memories for Isaac.

Ultimately as an adult, he might not remember the summer when he was 4 and had toads as pets, but he might.

He might.

Camping '13

2013-05-30T17:10:00.002-05:00

Well, I think I can say that I've done it all now! First in '11 camping with a toddler, then while pregnant with Ezra and finally with a 6 week old!

Both Tony and I grew up camping in tents, so we always feel like we're not really camping with the RV available and us in the tent trailer. That said, I don't think with three kids under 4 that we could enjoy camping without their amenities. Plus, the boys love it.

Tony bought a huge bag of peanuts, so I was trying to teach Ezra how to deshell them.

The newlywed couple will only be joining us every other year, so we were happy to have them! Last year Levi was with us and Bethany was at her family's cabin. So glad to get their updated family picture doing something they both love.

We always have a BIG breakfast to start off with and this year was no different . . . except I had sweet potato hash and paleo banana/egg pancakes.

Tony has impressive pancake skills now.

We tried to keep the boys occupied with a puzzle, but Isaac woke up an absolute grump!

My Mom got these little camping cups for both boys and Ezra kept requesting more "coffee" aka water.

He was absolutely pleased as punch.

Isaac on the other hand, was still a little bear, even with a tickle fight.

Meanwhile, Ezra still loved his coffee.

Annnnnnnd Isaac continued to hate on the day, so he decided to ruin it for Ezra too.

Bethany referred to Ralph as Isaac's cousin and you better believe he told everyone at the campground who would listen that he had a cousin named Ralph.

I have a similar picture of Bethany holding Ezra . . . two years ago. Mind blown.

The worst picture of Miriam to date. I couldn't stop laughing at how terrible this position was for her!

I got this game, super excited to play with Isaac. Too bad he only wanted to play with Uncle Levi.

One of the few smiles we got out of him. Turns out he'd wanted to go fishing with first light of dawn.

Once we made the decision to go fishing, Isaac was happy as a clam and Ezra too! Tony made sure to get Ezra a Mickey Mouse pole.

The weather wasn't fabulous for us, but we made due!

Isaac wanted to catch "so many fish, so we can eat them!"

Ezra wanted to almost drop his pole in the water, so I baited him with animal crackers. It worked.

Isaac also got a little distracted, with the bait.

Ah, that smile.

And Isaac's first fish! Yes, his second first fish. And there will be another first fish when he actually casts to reel in his own.

Can you feel his excitement?

And the traditional fish kiss.

Naptime went really well on Saturday, thankfully! Isaac even started up top, but once Ezra went to sleep, he moved down to sleep closer to him.

And during most of it, I just wore Miri.

The boys love their cousin.

Daddy loving on his baby girl.

Finally, it was time for some s'mores.

Isaac had been waiting all day and Ezra didn't even know what he was getting into!

The good stuff.

Ezra was very happy with his treat!

Until he noticed how sticky his hands were!

We had so much fun camping! No, Memorial Day weather hasn't been the kindest to us, as the name of the game has been layering, but it hasn't gotten in the way of making great family memories!

Post Partum

2013-05-28T09:39:00.000-05:00

For the third time, I am in the position to lose the baby weight. Let me be the first to say, it is definitely a blessing! I would put on 100+ pounds if it meant being able to carry and birth a healthy child. Thankfully, it hasn't taken 100+, but with both boys it was just over 30+ and with Miriam 23 pounds. It was incredible to me that I gained almost 1/3 less with her pregnancy, as I thought I was healthy with both boys, but in changing my diet and staying active, it definitely showed what my body preferred. I felt amazing! And to be honest, I was a little over eager in assuming my weight loss would be just as smooth as my weight gain.

But it hasn't.

And I get it, no one wants to hear me complain about losing weight. Everyone tells me that it's only been six weeks. That I'm too hard on myself. Even that I need to watch the example I establish for my daughter. That I disrespect my body, which has been the vessel for three beautiful children.

It's just that I don't care if it's only been six weeks. I feel healthy. I feel ready. I am hard on myself and I know that, but if we don't establish high expectations for ourselves we'll settle for just about anything else. I welcomed being chastised about being my daughter's role model, because body image is definitely something to be conscious of and cultivate. I would not want to hinder Miriam's perception of herself, but I do want to exemplify strength to her!

I went shopping yesterday and couldn't find anything. And I do mean anything. I wasn't looking for cuts and styles that could maybe work until I lose the weight and then fit a smaller body. I was specifically looking for forgiving cuts, favorite colors and had no problem grabbing bigger sizes. As I commiserated with my friend Ashley, unfortunately there just isn't room in the budget for an all new post partum wardrobe, but one outfit? One outfit to feel confident, comfortable and a smidgen of pretty? Why does that have to be darn near impossible?

It's just highly irritating that I can't seem to voice this frustration without a pat on the head or an admonition. It's not like I expect to suddenly have a lithe body. I never have. I do however expect that if I'm putting the work in that I'll see a slight change, somewhere! Additionally, I'm just looking for one outfit that I feel comfortable in that doesn't involve an elastic waist band.

That one time.

2013-05-21T19:27:00.001-05:00

So there was that one time, when I was giving Miri a bath in her infant tub.

And I thought nothing of the fact that my phone was near the edge of the large bathtub.

Nothing of it as I drained the water from the infant tub.

Nothing of it, when Ezra joined us in the bathroom.

Nothing of it, until I saw the glow of my phone from just under the infant tub where the water was draining.

I put my phone in a bag of rice in an attempt to save it, but this morning, as the apple symbol cycled through, but my phone would not turn on, it was very clear it had no. To add insult to injury, the modem was out on our wireless and with Tony's construction in the basement, I couldn't find it to reset! Due to this, I head out of the house with all three kids, to drop Isaac off at preschool and to bring Ezra to my Mom's, unexpectedly. I nursed Miri there, before going to the Apple store to set up an appointment at the Genius Bar later in the day. Which meant I then went and picked up Isaac, brought him to my Mom's as well, before returning to the mall for my appointment! $200 later and I once again had a phone.

You best bet I'll think twice about having my phone near an empty tub again.

Miriam: One Month

2013-05-16T14:32:00.000-05:00

This life. This life is the one my heart has longed to live. Miriam, your arrival brought so much peace and an overwhelming feeling of contentedness.

You took hold of your mama, literally, from the very first seconds of your life.

We're not sure what our "complete" family looks like or what God has in store for us, but the majority of the time it looks like this, with your addition.

You shook off all of my anxiety about having a daughter . . . for about 1 hour and then it came back triple fold.

You have two of the most devoted big brothers. And while they may be more accustomed to your presence now, they are enamored still the same.

You've already changed so much from when you were first born!

Within the first 6 hours, you looked spitting image of Isaac, but in some images look so similar to Ezra.

There are definitely similarities between us though, my dear daughter. Especially through your eyes and mouth.

You haven't given us too many smiles, even when sleeping, but my oh, my, when you do!

And daughter of mine, that hair! You so surprised us with that one, although in looking back at my baby pictures I had just as much, just as dark.

I, not so secretly, hope that you also share my blue eyes, but am trying to down play it.

I think I've taken a million pictures of you, especially on my phone, but how can I not when this is my view?

Love you to the moon and back, sweet girl.

Newlyborn vs One Month

My Three

2013-05-12T21:35:00.002-05:00

Dear First Born
I've always loved you best because you made me a mama. You made me recognize something inside myself that I denied existed. You were the genesis of motherhood and opened my capacity to love selflessly, more than marriage had initiated. You anchored us, as we embraced lean, meager months due to a recession, living past our means and resulting jobs changes and insecurity. You didn't complain about our $40 grocery budget and supplied the smiles when we wanted to. You are the original model for a mom and dad who are trying to work the bugs out.

Dear Middle Born
I've always loved you the best because from your first breath you were familiar, yet new. You cried less, wore hand-me-downs and took a nuk. You were put in the swing a lot more than your brother, but in doing so helped us relax. From the very beginning, we could tell you were tender-hearted. Your spirit is sweet and you crave intimate moments. You validated us as parents, that we really could stretch our hearts to infinite limits.

To My Baby
I've always loved you best because you undoubtedly prove that God's plan is better than our own. You scared me more than I was willing to admit, as I never desired to have a daughter. Your pages are laid before you completely blank and I can't wait to help you fill them.

Naming Miriam Joy

2013-05-09T16:13:00.002-05:00

While Tony and I decided to withhold our name choice, as well as options, most friends and family knew that our short list would be limited to names of Biblibal, Hebrew or Jewish nature. My brothers and I were named this way, and Tony and I decided to do the same when naming Isaac and Ezra. That being said, we really didn't anticipate anyone guessing our names.

The criteria for a name to be added to the list was: Biblical, not too popular, not too trendy, sounded well paired with the boys and a positive meaning. With both boys we went to the hospital with 1 1/2 girl names that we agreed on, just in case there had been a mistake. The 1/2 came from me liking a name that Tony wasn't too sold on.

To be honest, naming a daughter a strong Biblical name of our criteria proved to be quite difficult! After holding onto our "just in case" name for so long, it kind of went the way of Micah for me. While I still liked it, I just didn't care for it enough to name my child.

So, much like we did with the boys, I compiled a list. The only way a name could make it's way onto the list was to be okayed by Tony, which worked great previously. Except there aren't too many names that fit our criteria. Female Biblical names are all either entirely too familiar or extremely unique, so we found ourselves working with quite a short list.

And from that short list, we were only really working with 2-3 and the 3rd seemed to vary by the day. I grew pretty frustrated with our name options, as Tony vetoed quite a few and I had expected to do what we did with Ezra, by saying the name around the house with the boys and it didn't seem to be happening.

I just couldn't get Tony all the way on board for my name choice, which was Miriam, so I opted for some outside pressure and took a gamble. As I've mentioned more than a few times, Isaac is just a little opinionated. I went out on a limb and told him our three choices: Miriam [my favorite], Elise [Tony's] and Naomi [the 3rd choice of the day]. Happily, he decisively chose Miriam. Yay! Win for me! There were two huge problems as a result however. First, Isaac pronounces the name Mariam, shortened to Mary. Additionally, he wanted to tell everyone! Due to the desire to share, most of our family heard Mariam before she was born, but we deflected the excitement by ensuring them that while Isaac had decided, we had not.

A note about Elise. I wouldn't immediately think of it as Hebrew, and it is not Biblical, but when looking up the meaning Hebrew is listed. It's a bit of a stretch, but I think it's considered Hebrew due to it's association with Elisabeth.

As we got closer and closer to her arrival, we knew she would not be named until she was born. Once we were certain in our uncertainty, I felt a lot of peace and gave myself a goal of having her named within 6 hours of her arrival.

I prayed that her name would be immediately clear to us, like it was when Ezra was born. With her arrival and her shocking amount of hair and resemblance to the boys, I think I was a little thrown off. She just looked like her! Unfortunately, I couldn't quite figure out who that was. She wasn't named for the first 5-10 minutes. In all honesty, I'm not sure if she was named before or after we remembered that we needed to confirm she was infact a she!

Tony is the one who first brought it up. He still favored Elise, but just asked me what my thoughts were. Completely honest, I didn't assume that just because Tony had just been subjected to my birthing her that I would obviously get my name choice. I wasn't convinced she was one or the other, but still preferred Miriam and so, she was Miriam Joy.

Miriam meaning "beloved."

Joy meaning JOY! With both boys we chose family middle names and we wanted to do the same with our daughter. Joy was our forerunner from the beginning, first because it is Tony's sister's middle name and secondly, it is my third middle name. Yup, third middle name, as my Dad always called me Leah Marie Princess Joy.

Unlike with the boys, we jumped right into using a nickname with Miriam, shortening it to Miri. It's pronounced Meeri, with a sound like mirror. We call her Miriam, Miri and Miri Joy as we often call the boys Isaac Levi and Ezra John, even when not in trouble. ;)

We absolutely adore how fitting her name is and can't wait to see God's plans for our little girl!

MishMash

2013-05-06T19:54:00.000-05:00

I'm tired.

It's a good tired, but tired nonetheless.

Everyone always asks if Miri's a good baby. How she sleeps. How she eats.

Every time I'm asked, I forget these are the regular questions, because I rarely think about the answers. I've definitely taken for granted that she is a good baby, that she sleeps in fairly regular chunks of 3 hours at night and that she latched well from the beginning.

I have friends that spoke with extreme trepidation when I was pregnant with Miriam, about the logistics of three children and that absolute understanding that I would always be overwhelmed. It's probably for the best, but I didn't think about it that way when I was pregnant.

I'm tired, but at least 95% of the time, I'm also loving this.

There are periods of being overwhelmed, obviously, but they are short lived, thankfully.

At this point, with a preschooler, toddler and newborn, I think that the transition from 1-2 children was hardest. From 0-1 children was the biggest and 2-3 well, it's to be determined. I just remember 1-2 being the most difficult, when Tony and I were out and about a week after Ezra was born and Tony was so frustrated to have to constantly be "on." We were used to tag teaming Isaac and I was down for the count, being responsible for Ezra. There was no rest for Tony, no sharing time to socialize.

This time there have been situations where I asked Tony if he felt like the boys seemed to multiply when we are in public, because, seriously, they can just be all over the place! But really, we're loving this beginning to our family of five.

Somedays, I feel like supermom, when I take all three grocery shopping and leave the store without a scene! And others, like today when we went to the park and Isaac screamed at me, that I certainly don't.

I'm thoroughly enjoying this time at home though. I'm not caught up on editing personal photos and even got to shoot a newborn session already, but I'm essentially living life. After running a business, working full time and being a mother to first one son and then two, I barely knew how to handle myself in down moments. And then I remember, this is when the laundry gets done or the dishes, opposed to not having the time and daily tasks slip away into weekly or worse.

Celebrating this guy!

2013-05-03T13:45:00.000-05:00

Last Saturday, the birthday boy and I went out for our annual photo date. Essentially, we get a treat and I take his pictures. This year went a little better than last year. Last year it was quite chilly and Isaac had his first Caribou hot chocolate, this year it was just the opposite and he had his first Snowdrift!

I'm absolutely in love with the pictures I got of my first born. They full capture just who he is right now: testing boundaries, full of spirit, my baby. Sure, some of the images are full blown fake smiles, but others, man, you can see the joy of his soul.

Isaac Levi | 4 Years Old

2013-04-26T14:56:00.002-05:00

Oh man, what a mess of emotions! Isaac Levi, this past year has been one for the books. In looking back, we knew we were going to have our hands full with you, we just didn't know to what extent! Your third year proved very challenging, for you and us. That amazing personality, coupled with your determination and love to talk made for quite the interesting mix.

I'm not saying that our battle of wills has been sunsetted, but we're thankfully no longer having arguments over taking an ice cube to bed! That gives me hope. This shouldn't be read that the entire year was difficult, because really, Isaac you can be the most tender-hearted and compassionate little boy. You'd argue with me right now though, if you knew that I just referred to you as a little boy, but that you still are.

It's just as true now as when I wrote it last year, Isaac, son, we love you. Through thick and thin, and all the trouble and love we'll experience, we love you.

We last left off here, celebrating your 3rd birthday.

Like I said, it was challenging.

But oh so sweet as well! One of the best parts of this past year has been watching your relationship with your brother evolve.

You enjoyed new things, like sparklers[!] for the first time.

Taking your brother for a spin in the backyard on your John Deere Gator.

And connecting your bat with a pitched ball!

And so many of your standing summertime favorites, like the backyard sprinkler.

Swimming at Lake George!

Going to the MN State Fair . . . although this ride might be enjoyed more this year.

In the fall, you enlarged your life experiences and circle of friends by starting preschool!

In October you were excited to help us share the news that we were going to be a family of five!

And then at the end of November, you helped us share that you were going to have a baby sister! Who we now know as Miri Joy.

Also around this time, you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. No greater words or choice have made us so happy than to know He is in your heart.

The last six months of the year, aka The Never-Ending Winter, is when we really saw you take off in terms of intellect and social skills. Unfortunately, I pretty much neglected my camera this past winter, so pictures are few and far between.

The lone bright spot was our trip to the Wisconisn Dells, where I do believe you had your first crush. It was also so fun to watch your confidence build until you finally went down the Big Green Slide by yourself.

And then we were plunged back into 4 more months of winter!

Just like when we were expecting Ezra's arrival, you were absolutely in love with your baby sister before she was even born.

Lucky for us, that love continued even when she was out of my belly!

You're still throwing us curve balls, little man and we look forward to each and everyone!

Love this time

2013-04-23T11:25:00.000-05:00

I keep feeling the urge to blog, but am entirely unsure what to write about. Our days are quite slow right now, which is not a complaint. Essentially the only thing really happening right now is little Miriam gaining weight, staring at her endlessly, and transitioning the boys [while dealing with cabin fever due to MN's endless winter].

The boys have continued to just love on their baby sister. Isaac is very considerate of her needs and
tries to anticipate what she may want . . . like his Puppers. Another example would be when Miriam started crying with about 20 minutes to go before we got home, Isaac wanted to help, so he held her hand. Remarkably, she quieted and he stared adoringly at her the rest of the way home.

Ezra for his part just wants to kiss and kiss and kiss and sometimes hug her. The kissing is going great! The boys learned very quickly to not kiss her face, but to kiss her hair and forehead. The hugging though, well, let's just say that Ezra wants to really express his love.

I've really appreciated the small miracle of three children napping! Although, it did come with a cost . . . to get Isaac to just settle down and take his nap without a fight/waking Ezra up, I gave him one of Tony's fudgesicles after a great nap! Wouldn't you know, the next day he again went down without a fight, but he expected a fudgesicle upon waking up! I kind of think it's worth it, although I did tell him that a fudgesicle is not assumed for listening!

This whole never ending winter thing is entirely old. The boys and I went just.a.little. crazy last week and I had no reprieve in Tony or my Mom. Unfortunately our plans to have Tony work from home the first week were dashed when he was asked to come back to the office on Wednesday. To be fair though, he went back to work the day after we came from the hospital with both boys, so two days working from home was more than we had before! As for my Mom, she was exposed to the vaccinated form of chicken pox and was advised to not hold Miri. Even with the change in Tony's work schedule, I didn't feel comfortable bringing the boys to my Mom's for a break. It was a little difficult, but thankfully it's past us now! Those hard days, not the snow. The snow returned last night, but we've got 60's forecasted and it seems that we're finally, finally, finally going to shake winter!

We made it to church this past Sunday and I'm not entirely convinced I should be out in public yet, as my socialization skills are still a little rusty. Conversing at home with the wonderful friends and family who have visited and brought meals for us surprisingly go well, but I keep getting overwhelmed and tongue-tied outside of my house.

And Miri, my sweet little Miri has just gone with the flow and fit her way quite seamlessly into our family. She still sleeps quite a bit throughout the day and eats really well and did from the first latch. Last night, she even gave me a 6 1/2 hour stretch of sleep! We last nursed at 11:30pm, so you can imagine my surprise when I woke up at 6:00am without seeing her precious face in between. I'm sure it was just a fluke, but I have no complaints!

The favorite game of both sides of our family has been guessing whether she'll be keeping her blue eyes. Isaac's were a very slate, steely newborn blue that I knew from the beginning would eventually change. Ezra's were as brown as could be and there again, there was no questioning that they'd be dark. Miriam's are just blue enough to make me wonder, although I've positioned my heart to think that they're hazel. It's obviously such a trivial thing, but growing up, everyone commented on my blue eyes. They were my most memorable trait, well maybe that and my sassy attitude [woah, not looking forward to that potentially!], and it's just a little sad to know that they most likely will not be carried on through one of my children [at least in this generation!].

Life is good for this new family of five. Thankful through it all.

Miriam Joy's Arrival

2013-04-19T09:55:00.000-05:00

Thursday the 11th, I was growing very discouraged. I felt pretty caught between a rock and hard place. The rock being that Gina was gone [and that I couldn't talk to her about how I was feeling, because hello! I'd choose to be in Mexico too and didn't want to make her feel bad!]. The hard place being that I was on countdown until my midwife Fern would be unavailable.

I played it cool all week, because I didn't know when to get my hopes up, but with getting stripped on Monday, I had contractions off and on all week. Unfortunately none were as exciting as the ones I had on Monday. It was so frustrating to get my hopes up . . . all for nothing. As a bus rider, I chose to drive into work Tues, Wed & Thurs, which only annoyed me more when I had to pay for parking at the end of each day when nothing happened.

I tried several natural induction methods, including the acupressure video I used with Ezra, and even a few new ones, like evening primrose oil, but was wracking my brain for the next option. Suddenly I remembered I could try bouncing on an exercise ball and quickly text my friend Sarah to see if she had one I could borrow. Within minutes she'd responded that not only did she, but that she'd drop it off for me! So, this was how I spent Thursday night.

Friday I had scheduled a 2:45pm appointment with my midwife to do another membrane strip, as she was also feeling the squeeze to have me deliver before she left. Tony kept asking me what I hoped to be dilated to Thursday night and I honestly didn't want to think about it. I'd had contractions, but knew I'd be discouraged if I was less than a 3, since I was a 2 prior to the sweep on Monday. You can imagine how annoyed I was then when he said "I hope you're an 8 and they admit you!"

Due to my appointment, I decided to work from home. Around 8:00am, I got a phone call from Fern's office letting me know that she didn't do sweeps after 10:00am, so that I'd have to come in sometime in the next two hours. I was so glad to have been working at home, because it made it super easy for me to just email my boss the schedule change and head out around 9:00am for the 9:30am appointment. As I sat down in the Jeep, I had a contraction and they continued the rest of the ride.

When I got to my appointment, the nurse excitedly told me "Fern's got a plan for you to get things going, if you're game." Not sure at all what that meant, my mind started spinning. I love Fern to death, but she's not a super crunchy midwife. She's a CNM hospital midwife, which helps rein me in a bit. I shouldn't have been so surprised when I was offered Cervadil at 39w2d, but I was none the less. Not too keen on accepting a pseudo induction, I asked to first be checked and then evaluate. While I whole heartedly wanted Gina to be able to be there, we both knew we were unsure of the emotional punch it could carry, no matter how excited she was. I still contemplate what could have happened if I hadn't been a 2, hadn't prayed about accepting the Cervadil, just hadn't made some of the choices I did, but it is what it is.

So, at 9:30 I was a 2. I was given the Cervadil at about 10:15 and checked at 10:45 to be a 3. I was texting Tony pretty fast and furious during this time and was shocked to be a 4 with bulging waters at 11:00am. Tony was still a good 40 minutes away and had to stop at home to grab our things for the hospital, so I told Fern I thought I'd go to Target just to walk around while I waited for Tony. Based on the look on her face, I knew Fern thought otherwise and she suggested I just walk down from the clinic to be admitted, as it'd likely take 45 minutes and Tony would be there by then.

Turns out, Tony wasn't too far off and I was completely unprepared! Everything was happening too fast and I was extremely emotional.

It was so hard to not set myself up mentally to expect to meet our girl in two hours, based on two carbon copy deliveries. I was a little further along with Ezra when we got to the hospital, but I was only a 4 with bulging waters with Isaac as well and he was born 2 hours after admission, just like Ezra. I've never been happier to hear Tony's voice as he came flying through the Women's Center. He sounded practically giddy and I couldn't blame him! We were soon going to meet our daughter!

I made a birth playlist this time, but the song selections started to work against me, as they were way too emotionally charged! Like hearing Third Day's Offering, which was the song playing when we lit our unity candle.

Things started to get pretty intense and I quickly slipped into what I remembered of the Hypnobirthing I used with Ezra.

Fern still had appointments in the clinic, but also thought things would quickly progress, so she hung out for a bit.

Baby looked good and we were all excited . . . at 1:15pm.

Oh, and this is when I should also say that while Gina couldn't make it, I did have friends set up as backups and my 2nd shooter, Mandi, who is also a doula was able to join us for all of these wonderful photos!

I labored as I did with both boys, standing and walking. I would then pause for contractions and sway. This time though, I also added leaning on the bed during contractions and just sway my hips.

Honestly, looking back, it may have been the change that hurt me.

Around 2:00pm my Mom, Stepdad and both boys came in. Considering that when I last said goodbye to them I had no idea that we'd be meeting their sister that day, it was very sweet!

Unfortunately, I started to spiral a little after they left. I'd set myself up to think that she'd be born by 2:00pm at the latest and I could tell from my contractions that we were not even close. Coupled with being checked and hearing that I was only a 5 1/2, maybe a 6 and this girl was very frustrated.

Tony, Mandi and Fern could definitely sense my frustration and set about trying to encourage me. Well established at this point that we are all born again Christians, this is when Fern asked me if it would be alright if she prayed with us. I'll always treasure that memory!

Fern suggested that I maybe try the bath for a change of pace. Knowing that it'd do one of two things, I figured it was worth a shot! Mandi pulled out her Clary Sage to see if it could help speed things along, but unfortunately my contractions all but stopped when I got in the tub. It was nice to have a few minutes to rest, but with the end goal being pushed further away, I got out of the tub within 7 minutes.

After standing and rocking for 3 hours and skipping lunch, I was really starting to feel it. All of my confidence from Isaac and Ezra's births completely evaporated. I was beginning to feel desperate for change. Just something had to change! My contractions weren't super intense, but I was tired and starting to get a little light headed and nauseous. I knew the nausea could be a sign of transition, but without the support of strong contractions, I knew it was due to not eating. Either Mandi or my nurse Bridget suggested I try supporting myself on the bed. I ate some almonds and Tony brought Ezra in again, but my contractions continued in their infuriating slow, mild pace.

I knew I had to get back on my feet. No matter how tired I was, that is my position for moving baby down, and if I wanted to meet baby girl anytime soon, I needed to start swaying and rocking again.

Fern came in and checked on us at 4:00pm and offered to break my water. As I had with pretty much everything, I wanted to be checked first. I'm not going to lie, this is definitely when I was wishing I could audible for an epidural. My strength was fading, my confidence was shot and I had no faith that I could actually deliver her anymore. When Fern checked me, she said I was a "fake 8" and ended up simultaneously breaking my water. She said I was super stretchy and could almost be complete.

I started to get really hot after my water broke and ended up taking my robe off. This was uncharted territory for me and I honestly think the look on my face below is more due to frustration than pain. With both boys my water broke with them crowning, which turned into uncontrollable pushing. I wanted nothing more than for my body to just start taking over . . . but it wasn't happening.

After standing and laboring for another 40 minutes after Fern last checked me and my not feeling the need to push, she asked to check me again. She found me to have a little lip and thickness and suggested that I labor on my hands and knees.

I spent a few contractions in this position while slightly pushing and then bam, there were three contractions that were absolutely awful . . . and effective. There was no denying that she was moving down. I started moaning at this point, which turned into a bit of panic while I waited for them to get the bed back in position.

By the time the bed was flat again . . . I, uh, looked like this. Which is to say, she was coming!

My first push essentially birthed her head, much like Ezra. But then my contractions completely stalled out. Concerned for the baby Fern asked me to help her, which is the same she asked of me for Ezra too. I recognized that I was jutting my chin to the ceiling, quickly ducked it, held my breath as everyone was reminding me to do, grabbed my legs and bore down . . . but it wasn't enough. A nurse ran into the room, and with my next push I felt 8 hands all over my body, some supporting, one yanking my leg to my ears essentially and still more pushing her down from my stomach. And then, then she was born. It was all over in 2 minutes.

She was extremely floppy and I was more concerned about her than I was Ezra, while Tony was the opposite because Miriam was trying to breathe/cry, while Ezra wasn't at first. So again, no delayed cord clamping, as they were trying to determine if they were going to whisk her away, but this is when we happily reacted to her beautiful hearty cry!

I wonder if the shock of holding your baby for the first time is ever, well, less shocking. I don't imagine so.

Absolutely pure bliss!

Our cheesy girl was caked in vernix, but she scored a 9/9 on apgars!

Tony, if you ever doubt how much I love you, feel free to refer to this picture on the left.

It took us a few minutes to decisively choose Miriam Joy, but once we did, there was no second guessing. This was our little Miri.

Love at first sight.

And a Daddy who is smitten.

Plus, can we talk about this child's hair? So much for the heartburn relation!

She latched right away and we nursed before bringing the boys in.

Of course we had to grab a couple of posed pictures too!

As for the waiting room, my family pretty much owned it. There wasn't anyone else in there and my Dad was playing hide and seek with the boys!

Bringing the boys in was pretty much the best cherry on top! Isaac was a little overwhelmed by everything going on, but he gave me the best hug and kiss.

And just like that, we were a family of five.

As you can tell, Miriam's birth wasn't quite as jubilant for me as Ezra's. I was frustrated and I let it get to me. It's so important that you stay focused mentally, which I didn't. How absolutely ridiculous of me to have been down about a 8 hour labor and 2 minute delivery! To boot, her's was the only delivery that let me walk away without any stitches.

Also, I should mention that within minutes of her delivery, I ended up with a migraine. I hope it's not too foretelling that she gave me a headache from birth!

Family of Five

2013-04-16T15:06:00.001-05:00

We are so thankful for the love and support we've felt in these last few weeks and especially now that we've welcomed Miriam. Life on the home front has been good, oh so good. The boys are doing wonderfully, although Ezra has been a little bit more clingy, which is breaking our hearts. Thankfully his love for babies flowed smoothly to his baby sister and he is quite infatuated, so while he wants us more, he is in no way acting out towards his sister. Isaac, additionally is the most proud big brother. He wants nothing more than to hold his sister, which we try to oblige as much as possible, but he does need supervision.

Oh how I want to find time to write the birth story,, but in the mean time, here are some more images our little miss that Gina was able to capture when she came to visit on Saturday, before we left the hospital.

And she's here!

2013-04-13T08:47:00.002-05:00

Bound and determined to do things just a little differently, Miriam Joy Fontaine completely shook our world upside down yesterday! Born at 4:57pm, weighing in at 7lbs 8oz and 20" long, our sweet girl is just exactly that!

She looks spitting image of her big brother Isaac, but with hair! Oh, the hair!

More Weekend Fun

2013-04-11T11:11:00.002-05:00

Last week, I declared Friday the first ever Fontaine Family Fun Day! And honestly, up until Thursday afternoon, we didn't have the faintest clue what that looked like. The weather was so-so, so outdoor plans didn't seem like a great idea and finally settled on trying the MN Children's Museum for the first time.

The day started off great, with all parties sleeping until 7:00am.

We quickly got up and out the door for breakfast, which featured pancakes bigger than the plates! We were naturally the only family in the truck stop diner and while waiting, Tony drew Isaac a space shuttle, er looks like a fighter jet.

We got to the Children's Museum by 10:00am and it was packed, which I'm sure it is every Friday. The boys had a blast and there were quite a few rowdy boys that made Isaac seem like a peaceful angel, so I appreciated that the most. ;)

We wrapped up at the Children's Museum around 12:00pm and got Tony off to work for the afternoon, while the boys ate lunch and napped. Afterwards, we head back out for round 2, dinner and Legoland at the MOA. Always a hit with the boys, they then got a treat by splitting a sundae with Tony from the Crepe Stand.

Saturday morning my Mom and head out to Rosedale Mall for our traditional "Saturday before baby is born shopping trip." With both boys I'd ended up in labor and meeting them within 36 hours of leaving Rosedale . . . clearly this time not so much. :) We had a great time though!

I picked up this coming home outfit, with the coordinating blanket I made, after deciding that the other was just too big. Unfortunately MN has thrown us another curve ball and there is now a new cardigan and the addition of tights to combat the snow that that is currently falling, you know, if I actually have her any time soon.

While we were out, Tony ripped out the stairs to the basement and put new ones in, because we couldn't be expecting a child without some major project going on in our house!

It was a really great weekend, but emotionally, I was all over the place and really took it out on Tony. Yay rational/irrational pregnant wife! I'll choose to remember it fondly and I'm pretty sure Tony's forgiven me.

39 weeks | Baby Sweets

2013-04-10T09:23:00.001-05:00

How far along: 39 weeks. [39w with Ezra, 39w with Isaac]

How big is baby: Little miss is measuring in over 19 ½ inches and 7 pounds.

Weight gain/loss: Held steady at 23 lbs, which is hopefully a sign of labor. [wishful thinking]

Stretch marks: After two pregnancies, I somehow still don't have any.

Sleep: I never know when I lay down at night how I’ll end up sleeping. Last night I was extremely restless and uncomfortable until almost midnight, but then slept straight through until my alarm.

Diet/Cravings/Aversions: NADA. Pretty much the only thing I’ll say is that I need veggies, but otherwise nothing much sounds good.

Movement: My goodness this girl can stretch out in a small space.

What I'm loving: That I have been blessed with a healthy body, a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby girl. And that God is allowing me a little extra time with this pregnancy. My new game plan is to just enjoy that for what it is, as this should be my last pregnancy.

Symptoms: Honestly, my symptoms aren’t too severe this week. I’ve quipped it a few times and it’s holding true, while I was never straight up miserable with the boys at 39 weeks, I feel too good to be hoping to have a baby.

What I'm looking forward to: Meeting this little girl. Watching my husband melt into a little puddle, again. Seeing how proud Isaac is to hold her and listening to Ezra say “Baby!”

Best moment of the week: All fingers and toes and eyes crossed now for the 13^th, which has always been my soccer number. ;) All kidding aside, I hope to still meet her this week!

How I'm feeling: Emotionally, I feel like I’m overdue, which is ridiculous. I know. Trust me, I know. I love how I can rationally know this and yet, can’t stop myself from feeling this way because both boys were born at 39w. I’ve been warned this entire pregnancy that 3^rd babies do things their own way, but I couldn’t help but hope, with a little expectation, that Baby Sweets would arrive just like her brothers. This was only intensified by Gina booking a wedding in Mexico and being unavailable today through Saturday.

I thought, okay, let’s take this into your own hands, appointment Monday, membrane sweep, baby by Tuesday, but it didn’t happen. Yesterday I was all over the place emotionally. One minute very certain in the sovereignty of God’s timing, the next despondent that things weren’t going according to my plans.

Today, I’m feeling much, much, much better, with very few swings to negative thoughts. I know that I will meet this girl when the timing is perfect, and as my friend Erin said, “God’s busy orchestrating her perfect birth story now. She will be here in due time and all that will matter when it happens is that your daughter will be in your arms!”

And that’s ALL it comes down to.

My midwife is available until the 14^th and Gina returns the afternoon of the 13^th, so I’ve still got a slim margin for both, or at least my midwife! And if little miss makes her arrival the 15-24^th, well so be it.

Appointment Update: I had an appointment Monday and was a solid 2, with baby low and cervix soft. I opted for a membrane sweep and my midwife seemed really pleased, but Baby Sweets just wasn’t ready yet. I’ve had contractions off and on since the weekend, but they haven’t increased in intensity or frequency.

Both Boys

2013-04-09T12:37:00.000-05:00

When Tony and I first discussed starting a family, we absolutely agreed on one thing for certain: we hoped to have a boy first. Being the only girl in a family that includes 1 brother and 3 stepbrothers, the thought of raising a daughter absolutely petrified me. Add in that my friendships with girl friends have never been stellar and that I don't have any sisters to relate to and it's really no wonder.

For a time, it wasn't a thought, as we were amazingly, overwhelmingly blessed with two of the most wonderful boys.

Isaac Levi ::

Isaac, you are so much, of everything. You are smart, exasperating, persistent, hilarious and caring. When we try to get you to stop interrupting or to abide by the time out rules of no talking, you complain with great passion "But I love to talk!" And you do, and we love to hear what you have to say . . . most of the time. You are also very creative, so your dreams never cease to confuse us, your lego creations make us proud and there's always something new to draw.

Ezra John ::

Ezra, you are a mama's boy. Through and through. I never knew how cuddly, affectionate and dependent a child could be until you came into my world. You are tender hearted, full of joy, particular, strong willed and very loving. Just like your brother has shown a knack for lego creations and spatial relations, so you have also shown an intense need to build and create. You've only just started to really expand your vocabulary and we love to hear you build your confidence in expressing yourself.

Your need for me and soft heart are what I'm concerned most about in adding a sister. Thankfully though, you are quite enamored with babies and I'm hopeful that your new baby sister won't change that!

When we were roughly as close to meeting Ezra, as we are to meeting our Baby Sweets, I wrote how scared I was to lose some of Isaac in gaining another son. Guilt, not so much, as fear. This time I have a little worry for my little Ezra.

Mostly though, it's that reservation over losing "both boys," my identity as a boy mama, that has concerned me. I posted about it on IG last night as well and heard so many heart warming responses. I can't tell you how much they proved to be a balm to my heart.

It's brought me here. I'm ready. I'm ready for this change, to be the mother of a daughter, and especially to be a family of 5.

I can't wait to see both boys holding their sister. Isaac, oh so proudly, Ezra smitten with a baby, but probably not fully understanding that she's coming home with us.

Lord, I'm ready.

I think.

Baby Sweets' Sprinkle

2013-04-09T08:01:00.002-05:00

Way, way, way - months, back, my sister in law, Bethany, asked me if I would be interested in her hosting a small shower for me. I wasn't sure on the etiquette, as most of my friends and family haven't really crossed this bridge yet, so I didn't have an answer for her. Finally at the 11th hour, I agreed, which is how we came up with a date just 1 1/2 weeks out from my due date!

We kept it really small, with immediate family and close friends, and it was just an absolutely wonderful mix of my old friends and new. From all stages of life, beliefs and personalities, we were laughing and enjoying each other, even those who had never met previously.

I can't thank Bethany enough for giving me the opportunity to celebrate the impending arrival of my daughter with those who are so dear to me.

Our yummy spread!

Little Ralphie is growing so fast!

The wonderful afgan that my Mom knit for me. We went together for me to pick out the colors and my Mom's been furiously knitting to get it done in time.

There were just a few pink outfits, which will be put to good use and got quite the warm reception.

I was forwarned about Nadia's gift, as she said she "took a risk." My, oh, my! HOT PINK!

Emily had to leave before we had a chance to take this picture, but I'd hardly say she left "early" as we were there for over 4 hours. What an extremely special group of women. I'm so blessed to have them all in my life!

And these three in my family. So much strength and love will be shown to our little girl.

It was an absolutely amazing afternoon that I will treasure for my lifetime.

Thank you.

Maternity Pictures

2013-04-03T21:20:00.001-05:00

As I mentioned in my 37w update, Gina and I conspired together to do some maternity pictures. We ended up pushing them back from 36w to 37w due to the forecast, based on how poorly Ezra does in cold weather.

It was a gamble that paid off and we got the last bit of snow to thankfully cover the drab MN landscape that is finally starting to appear!

Gina broke her foot a bit ago and is still in a boot, so she hasn't been up for shooting much by way of family sessions. I wanted to be completely respectful of this, so from the beginning we were very clear that the expectations were to be quick, fun and low pressure. If we got something, we did and if we didn't, eh, at least we tried.

Well, we got something. The perfect little representation of our life of a family of 4 . . . waiting on Baby Sweets.

38 weeks | Baby Sweets

2013-04-03T10:43:00.003-05:00

How far along: 38 weeks. [38w with Ezra, 38w with Isaac]

How big is baby: Little miss is measuring in over 19 ½ inches and 6 ½ pounds.

Weight gain/loss: Added another lb, for 23lbs gain. Again, I just have to say how much I love eating paleo and how much easier I feel this pregnancy has been, once I got past the rough patch of Christmas.

Stretch marks: After two pregnancies, I somehow still don't have any.

Sleep: Still sleeping pretty well, but I have to have something between my legs. Pillows seem to crumple too much, so I’ve just been balling up an extra sheet and going with it. I slept awful Monday night, but thankfully got a solid nights sleep last night!

Diet/Cravings/Aversions: Well, I got my fish taco fix in! Unfortunately, as I said before, it’s not something I normally order, if ever, so somewhere between what I thought it would taste like and what I ate . . . it was a little disappointing, especially because I’m sure that’s why I slept so terribly Monday night.

Movement: My goodness this girl can stretch out in a small space.

What I'm loving: How much Tony and I, mainly Tony, got done around the house this weekend! Now, we just need to continue the effort.

Symptoms: Symptoms this week include something entirely different: contractions.

What I'm looking forward to: I’ve been looking forward to this weekend for a few weeks now! It’s going to be jam packed with fun, hopefully. J I’ve taken Friday off for our Fontaine Family Fun Day! Unfortunately, this mama has dropped the ball on what that fun looks like. I originally figured we’d go to a local water park, but in remembering how sick our family got after the Dells, I took it off the table. It didn’t sound like a good plan to possibly have a sick family to welcome Baby Sweets. So . . . I’m kind of looking at a completely blank day, but we’re going to make it FUN!

Saturday, my Mom and I are going to go shopping, with the boys in tow. Just like we did the Saturday before Isaac was born and just like we did the Saturday before Ezra was born . . . We’ve got to atleast try to stick with tradition, right?!

Sunday, after church, my sweet sister-in-law Bethany is throwing me a little sprinkle with a few close friends. I’ve resisted asking her who is all coming, but I’m ridiculously excited to get the texts coming in from a couple of friends confirming that they’ll be there.

Best moment of the week: It could have been Isaac excitedly whispering to us, while reading his Easter book, “He’s not there!” while pointing to the empty cross. Man, something about that moment just really got me.

Or, a conversation Tony and I had last night while turning in for the night, our boys sleeping soundly. He said “I’m so excited and ready to meet our baby girl. Right now, with our boys, our life is so good. It’s complete, but to just think that in a matter of days, we’ll know her and once again wonder how we ever lived without her, I can’t wait.” And he’s so right.

There are so many little conversations that are happening at home that I treasure.

And my sweet Ezra, who’s just really starting to talk. The moments I’m loving the most with him are when I basically have him straddle my bump. Without fail, as he turns towards me, he gives me the biggest hug.

How I'm feeling: Um, if you read above, you know I’m feeling amazingly blessed, sentimental/emotional and ready.

Appointment Update: I met with my midwife on Monday and I think we were both hopeful that with the addition of contractions that she'd have some exciting news to share. After my cervical check though, that was not the case. I'm about right on with both boys at this point. Baby girl is low, very low, my cervix is soft, but it's less than 1 cm dilated.

Nesting

2013-04-01T12:06:00.001-05:00

Tony and I used some elbow grease this weekend, and man, oh man, we put in enough nesting for all three pregnancies! Our house hasn't been this clean, or at least our bedroom, since we moved in 6 years ago!

After removing as much of the contents of our bedroom as we could, our living room looked like this. Which was very reminiscent of when we moved in. Tony and I joked a little too much that we wish we were moving out . . .

Tony obviously did 95% of the this project, but I helped as I could with bringing things down and also getting down on my hands and knees to clean the walls and the baseboards. It was a gorgeous MN spring day, which is almost an oxymoron, and it felt amazing to get so much accomplished. When the boys woke up from their nap, Isaac was my little helper and helped me scrub the walls down too!

And Friday night, I wrapped up this little project! The shirts for the boys to wear when they meet their little sister.

There's some more purging to be done, bathroom and kitchen to be cleaned, but I love getting so much done!