Gods, it takes me so long sometimes to get the message. This one starts out fancifully weird, yet cuts to the heart of who we are in relationship to one another, and to our innermost selves.

Somewhere around 400 BCE, Aristophanes came to one of Plato’s symposiums, and told a story. A myth of humans twice as energetic, vigorous and intelligent as we know now, twice as much as they knew then.

In this myth, all people used to have four arms, four legs, two faces, and two sets of genitals. They were two people in one. And they were combined in ways making three genders: female-female, who were descended from the earth, male-male, who were descended from the sun, and male-female, who were descended from the moon. These humans were so powerful that they threatened the gods. So Zeus decided: they must all be cut in two. And so he did, slicing each one with lightning bolts.

Do you know this myth? I didn’t until recently.

What happened after being sliced in two, is that humans became preoccupied with finding their lost half.  Some would search for those of the same gender, some would search for those of the other, or either. In every case Aristophanes says: Love is the unquenchable desire to return to wholeness.

The lightning of Zeus still lives

We’ve all cut ourselves in two

What finally smacked me in the face is this: by the gender roles that nearly all human cultures enforce, we learn to deny fairly half of ourselves. The lightning of Zeus still lives; we’ve all cut ourselves in two. And it works!  It works a bloody charm. We desperately seek our lost half, for the deepest satisfaction and the highest ecstasy to find them. And we bind ourselves to each other, sharing life’s endless burdens and joys, caring for one another.

I’ve talked before about one facet of this regarding the psyche: that by suppressing all that is opposite to our AGAB as we learn our cultural roles, we hide away a deep reservoir of psychic energy, that can still be tapped once one becomes aware of it. Drawing from that well brings me a sense of wholeness and fresh vitality. And it doesn’t diminish the love my wife and I share, rather deepening it, when I didn’t even think that was possible.

This is the biggest discovery I’ve made on the path to recognizing myself as genderqueer.

Startling euphoria of integration

At least two modern artists sing this fascinating myth:

Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Origin of Love, 2001. This bold stage musical and subsequent film explores this myth with poignant flamboyance. Hedwig and her band the Angry Inch sing the hell out of Aristophanes: https://youtu.be/6UGaJBv6YSM?feature=shared

Anne Waldman, Flame, 2008. Anne co-founded–with Alan Ginsberg–the Jack Kerouac School of Disembodied Poetics at Naropa University. She’s one of the few original American Beat Poets still alive. With music by her son Ambrose Bye: https://youtu.be/iUQ9fWIvqSo?feature=shared

And a more somewhat-academic telling:

https://www.arlt-foundation.org/blog-post/the-origin-of-love-aristophanes-2

It’s always easy to point to “the other” as the source of one’s problems, whether it’s people of a different race or religion, or immigrants, or gays. But these groups are not responsible for causing poverty and injustice. Limiting rights of people because they’re different in these ways only hurts people, even those who support and legislate those limits.

The latest scapegoats are trans people and drag performers. Under the guise of “protecting our children” we are harming both children and adults, and gaining none of the stated benefits. I’ve heard all the arguments; none of them hold a drop of water. I’m happy to discuss that view with anyone in a civil manner.

I’m a 63 year-old White male natural citizen of the US.  I’ve been privileged to live without poverty and gross injustice. Yet I’ve always rooted for the underdog. Maybe because I endured relentless bullying from grades 1 thru 8 I came to identify more with the oppressed than oppressors. What it taught me most is that the golden rule should always reign supreme: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

So why would I step out of my position of privilege to visibly identify as genderqueer, overlapping the BTQ parts of the dreaded acronym and opening myself to more flames of misguided hatred? Simple: to be the most authentic version of myself possible. Dominant cultural norms dictate a very narrow prescription of how one should look, feel, think, say and do. Trying to align with them feels to me like a contortionist’s trick, squeezing my heart into an impossibly small box.

There are more reasons I’m driven to be visible in the world as genderqueer.

• It gives me euphoria. Acknowledging this part of me deeply enough to dress the part has opened a new dimension of happiness and peace that I never even knew was missing. 50% less existential dread!
• I hope that it helps other LGBTQ people feel freer and safer to be themselves, just by seeing more uncloseted diversity.
• Eventually, I hope that it will help heteronormative people see that we’re not a threat.

If you think all of this is wrong, I’m sincerely open to civil conversation about your concerns and mine.

When someone says anti-trans bills

— Pavement Cracks, Annie Lennox

Matrix of potentials, portal to galaxies undiscovered

Strange colors penetrate the air, from within the shining white blank

We are buoyed in storms of color, rustling tins of painter’s brushes

Look carefully, seek long, closely… there…

A doorway

1. Be yourself no matter what, it’s really important.
2. Fly your freak flags, so others are less afraid to Be.
3. Discover unexpected joy when you run out of fucks to give.

.

tattoo art Michelle Trumble ink art Kylie Jenkins Sol Tribe

Recently I had what feels like a breakthrough, and wanted to share it with anyone who may find a resonance. I think there are a range of possible situations in the psyche that could lead to such a breakthrough; for me it started with a gender-bend.

All my adult life, I’ve been pretty comfortable as an AMAB who’s happy to recognize a strong feminine sensibility in my personality. Over the last couple years, this somewhat latent sense has become more active. Finally this summer, I surprised myself by starting to cross-dress occasionally, leading me to discover a deep well of gender euphoria. Now it brings me ridiculous joy just to glance down at my hands during any given day to see painted nails and jewelry.

A remarkable effect of this has been unexpected “incidental” changes: I’m more emotional now (in a positive way), and somehow more serene at the same time. It’s a kind of engaged lightness. This past week I’ve been sobbing with joy simply from listening to beautiful music, or writing emails to dear friends. That’s absolutely a great benefit in itself. Even more remarkably: new abilities to perceive subtle energies seem to be awakening.

I had this experience:

Hiking with friends from our Druid grove around a wild mesa in Castle Rock, we stopped beneath a tremendous wall of rock. The massive foot of this formation left me speechless in awe at its beauty. The thick bottom layer was a cement-like matrix, rooted in the Earth, binding large round stones that protruded all across the band of this layer.

I placed my hand on one smooth stone and closed my eyes. As usual, I sensed only a wisp of the subtle energy that others sometimes proclaim with ease. But the grandeur of this location had sparked my newly raw senses, and I felt that same heart-opening begin. The state of crying from sheer joy of beauty was becoming familiar to me, and I willed myself down into it.

And then I felt it. The unimaginably vast energy of this tower that buttressed the whole landscape above. I felt it humming, flowing, diving for miles beneath us. I stood there dumbfounded. I had finally managed to open my organ of perception, and was shocked to find that it is my heart.

Things…
Useful things but feared…
swept aside,
boxed up,
fenced in,
hidden away,
cast out,
held back,
walled off,
shut down, 
abandoned, 
discarded, 
suppressed, 
OUTLAWED
 
Forgotten? No

Always thought that I could tame my fear, imprison it
Forgetting what we all forget: Things grow in darkness
Things we cannot see
Till they crack the sidewalk with their blistered roots,
Tripping, scratching us with dryyyyyy branches,
Crying for light and water
 
Now I can see into the shadows (a little bit)
I know what’s in there
I know myself, I’ve got this
Can’t surprise me!
I’m a new age guy, I’m in touch
I can look over that fence
Reach over that fence
Pick a fruit for wisdom
An empathetic fruit
An ironic fruit
A fruit half joking with an inside joke

But that fruit was a ghost
It was hollow, dry as a mummy
It flew away like moths
And that was juuuuuuust fine
Cause all I really wanted was a little wisdom, a little empathy, a little joke

One day I had another fear:
What really was it that I hid away?
Did it deserve to die in darkness?
So I went in, I don’t know how
I broke that rusted lock right off the gate
I stumbled in, to find what I had lost

And I draaaaagged it out into the light, and saw the fear was gone,
Oxidized and flaked away
I burnished what I held with ashes
Polished it till I could see the ghosts inside
Who looked into the eyes of all the ghosts around me
Long Lost Friends

And I wooooore it out onto a stage, to SHOUT the fear is gone,
For anyone who cares to hear
Among a thousand other tales we tell of darkness
And how we found our way
And cast it off with anger and with light
Repeatedly, Repeatedly
And found ourselves more whole for doing so

Cause this is one of our conditions
To split ourselves in two or more
When one of us with everything
Is just too much to bear
Now the time has come to welcome back my hidden half
That I had sent away
As I was taught to do
And accepted, as easier than fighting something else

I did not expect to see across the mountains,
To hear under the fertile earth,
To smell the ocean on the wind
To taste both sweet and bitter fruits now ripe and dripping
 
My hidden half just squinted in the sunlight blinking,
Did you think that nothing happens when we reunite?
You tried to do all this without me, foolish boy

Now get out there and celebrate us
Show some goddam courage,
Here, I brought a sack-full
You’re gonna need it, cause plenty shit’s on fire
And people hiding fear in darkness
Is like the nation hiding fear in darkness
And thinking nothing’s gonna burn

Bring it on!
Pitch it in!
Queer it up!
Sing it out!
Pull it through!

There are those who will be glad to hear another voice in solidarity
And those who will be stoooone angry
Let this work to soften them
Like water

We need so much water now

Now, trans communities are so full of lovely transfems and transmascs and enbys and aces. Your pictures just take my breath away, you’re all so beautiful and sexy and fragile and fierce as you share your overflowing hearts.

This summer I bought some skirts at Renfaire, fell in love with myself again while cross-dressed, and even read poems about it on stage, what bliss.

I keep checking in with myself: am I on a path toward transition?  And the answer still returns the same after many years: no, I like both M/F together at once.  So, maybe my preferred genre is genderfuck / genderpunk, because I love showing off and being seen as that mixture. Feels like being a supportive community elder to fly my freak flag, while it brings such euphoria to my old queer heart.

But I’ve been quite busy in other webby areas (and IRL, thankfully).  Mainly, a group of dear friends and I have been building a Druid grove since 2015!  The grove’s name is The Flame and Well, and our website is https://flameandwellgrove.org.  We’re recognized by the Order of Bards, Ovates and Druids as a participating grove. This has been an absolute labor of love and the community that’s come of it is more dear to my heart than I ever could have imagined.

We hold about 12 – 16 events each year, celebrating each of the eight pagan ceremonies or “Sabbats” around the wheel of the year, plus get-togethers or “moots” in between most of them. If you’re interested to learn more, we post invitations to these events on our public Facebook page, https://facebook.com/flameandwellgrove, and please email us to let us know of your background or new interest in Druidry, at flameandwellgrove@gmail.com.

Best to everyone reading, with a special shoutout to the pingback bots!