Do I agree with the damn tunnel idea? No, actually I don’t at all, and these are 5 Reasons why the Malta to Gozo tunnel proposal is absolute horseshit:

1: Usage volume is low

Not enough people cross between Malta and Gozo on a daily basis to warrant the expenditure of €500 million (and which we all know will be closer to a billion and counting once the blessed consultants get involved). Listen, Rotterdam built huge reservoirs which hold 10 million litres of water, and these are used when the city centre is at risk of flooding over from heavy rainfall. Ok? 11 million euro saves the city from drowning every winter. And we’re going to spend a billion euro on the couple of thousand of crossings which happen every day, as opposed to fixing what can be fixed, like, y’know, increasing the ferry schedule and fixing the road network and taking jobs to Gozo? Never the easy way out, is it?

2: Shut up about Sweden

If I hear another big face twat talking about the Denmark to Malmo tunnel again, I’ll hurl. I had a Swedish friend over last week, and guess what he told me, apart from the fact that the catchment area of that tunnel is larger than our entire population by at least 10 orders of magnitude. Well, a) it’s not just a tunnel, it’s a tunnel + bridge combo, and b), it was built pretty much to IKEA standards, with large sections of tunnel lowered into the water, not by digging out. And c) (which he did not tell me himself, but I’m sure he was thinking and sniggering about), if you even think you can compare our engineering, contracting and maintenance prowess to those of Sweden and Denmark, you’ve got to be fucking kidding, so fuck off back to bed.

3: The Money

You know what, if we’re being blunt here, I think that spending a billion euro on the added comfort of a couple thousand people is a bit rich, don’t you? The crossing by ferry is a pain, true, but Gozo is not exactly isolated either. And shit, the partial isolation is the only reason Gozo has held on to its charms while Malta becomes more like a chain smoking whore with every passing day. Don’t you see that we’re really not looking at the long term here? How long ago was it that Gozo Channel got new ferries? That cost money. If we intend to build a tunnel, why did we spend millions on Mġarr harbour being developed, and please, please, why the bloody hell does Ċirkewwa look like a bombed out orphanage? Because that cost money too. Don’t tell me that these roadworks won’t ever actually be used to their full potential just because Jabba the Hut decided we’re going undersea.

4: The Rock

MaltaToday reported just today that a leading local geologist is essentially calling the Three Stooges’ bluff about where they think they’re getting a tunnel dug. Peter Gatt, the geologist in question, has concluded that “the preliminary report submitted by engineering and development consultants Mott MacDonald late last month had been drawn up with scant regard for the geological properties of the Gozo-Malta Channel“. Whoops. Wait, it gets better! Oh yes; “The four tunnel routes proposed by Mott MacDonald will cut into a strike-slip fault complex found along eastern Gozo,” he told MaltaToday. “Evidence for this fault is ample along the coast of Gozo, if Mott MacDonald and Transport Malta had bothered to visit the site in the first instance. It is surprising that Transport Malta is unaware of the dangers of planning tunnels through such structures, and probably shows that they know very little about the geology of Gozo Channel.” Oh snap.

5: Transport Malta

I don’t know about you, but I fucking hate Transport Malta. I hate their smugness and their idiotic fucking “Another road surface by Transport Malta” billboards, and their role in getting Arriva to fail and their absolute lack of basic intelligence. You see kids, building a tunnel is no mean feat. It’s not something you do out of Lego. No, it takes years of study and actual preparation as opposed to farting about and pissing in the wind, stuff which TM is not exceedingly good at. And this is why I think building a tunnel is a bad, bad, bad idea.

The people who will run this project are the same people who can not organise a committee to fix a pothole. They’re the same people who repeatedly hire shit contractors to do an even shitter job on our roads. They’re the same people who take weeks to fix a pavement and years to surface a street. Transport Malta is one of the primary government agencies which is holding us back as a nation, and don’t you give me any bullshit reason why this is otherwise. Given that Gozitans have suffered for months with the roadworks in Gozo and all over the north side of Malta, I’m surprised we aren’t hearing chortles of laughter echoing all over the channel when Transport Malta says that a tunnel is ‘feasible and doable’. Stop living your pipe dreams and delusions of grandeur you pathetic fucks and start by paving a road which lasts longer than 6 months, yeah?

Now, I’ve always had a problem with Church people lecturing us about science. Given that I know very little of particle accelerators, I have never ‘given feedback’ to anyone at CERN because anything I say would be moot, redundant, pointless, uninformed and wrong. Provided that good ‘ole Mario has probably never held a test tube in anger, I’d be less inclined to hear what he has to say about anything of a scientific cadence.

Remember that this one of these guys who lives his life following a book written by marauding tribesmen a couple of thousand years ago, which is sort of stretching it as a moral code for all of humanity given that, for example, we now have penicillin and cars and electric lights and a few other nifty things.

Thing is this, if you truly believed in the divine source of wisdom of your supposed holy book, you’d be trekking the deserts of Afghanistan right now, asking herdsmen called Yussuf and Abdul all about the moral codes we’re supposed to live by.

“In a homily last Friday, Bishop Mario Grech urged Catholic politicians not to encourage the culture of death when IVF legislation comes before them in Parliament.”

Culture of death? Are you fucking serious? This from the local leader of an organisation which has a butchered man nailed to a cross as its slogan, and is essentially a death cult, telling its followers that the ultimate point of life is to die? You must be joking….

Great Mario also said that “frozen embryos implanted late after their development could develop mental health problems later in life.” I’ve got a couple of ideas about how mental health problems are created, and most of them involve children being told of a boogeyman who lives in the dark and will eat their souls if they as much as touch their penis when they reach puberty.

“The Gozo bishop also lambasted the “imagined right” of parents who wanted to have children, as against the right of children created through assisted reproduction.”

Well I lambast the Gozo bishop’s imagined right to spout bullshit and spread lies and misinformation on matters about which he has no knowledge. Remember, this is the same guy who told us that teaching kids about condoms is basically abusing them (nopes, can’t make this shit up), and set about calling fellow Catholics “brigands” and “wolves in sheeps’ clothing” who would “lead the flock astray”, just because they were pro-divorce.

So basically Gozo Bishop Mario Grech, what I’d like to tell you (because the Health Minister didn’t have the balls to say it himself) is, stick to your incense and smoke and mirrors and leave scientific discourse to the grown ups among us. And then you wonder why we’re anti-clerical.

Of course, some of us might be forgiven for going off our heads right away and thinking of a takeover, but the article goes on to say that “Cyprus came in second place, with 17 immigrants per 1,000 inhabitants, while Sweden ranked third, with 15.6.” Malta got 20 by the way.

Is this alarming or not? Sure it is!

It’s alarming how this country receives so many migrants yet has seen so  few institutional changes in order to come to grips with the situation. It’s alarming how we still keep people locked up for up to 18 months when they could just as well be processed in a more civil manner. It also is alarming that Malta does seem to be going it alone while other EU countries couldn’t give a toss about both us and the immigrants who come here.

Up to there, I am just as concerned as you might be.

Of course, I expected a few knee jerk reactions and some dubious logic, but the twisted logic on the Times’ comment board surpasses that. Louise Vella, well known to anyone who reads the Times, is a regular commenter, especially on stories with a racial leaning. So here you go, enjoy her comment in all its glory.

Jeez Louise, let me get this straight. Malta tops world list of immigrants per head and the fault is the NGOs?

How exactly? Are they going to Libya and picking them up themselves? Are the NGOs to blame for the wars and strife and starvation in Africa which force people to leave their homeland? You can’t have studied much Philosophy, because I think I remember someone telling me in a lecture once that logic like that is philosophically called bullshit.

Similarly, to my knowledge, Dr Gonzi has not once carried out an action by which virtue any more migrants would have come here. Or any less even.

As to Dr Saliba, as a Doctor, I don’t know how you can still justify a belief in any god, but leaving that aside for a second, if you’ve been insulted because someone rightly called you a hypocrite (my choice of words, you chose the gentler ‘less Christian), well, do the Christian thing, forgive them. That said, I do remember a passage in the Bible, something about what you did not do for even the smallest of these, you did not do for me, so goddamn, I might be right after all.

The statistics, dear Doctor, change fuck all. They do not change the fact that the people coming here are people first and foremost, people you swore a Hippocratic oath about, and which to my knowledge has no colour reservation. If there is one thing that the statistics ought to change it’s your mentality. The immigrants will keep coming until Africa continues to suffer, so maybe, just maybe, we should do the civil thing and think about how to make their transition a bit easier. Who knows, we might even make a couple of friends along the way.

That being said, even now, what’s being said in statements is not uniform in scope nor style.

So, on the one hand, French Prime Minister Francois Fillon says:

“We do not have the right in this country to permanently monitor someone when they have committed no crime, without the decision of a judge. We live in a state of law.”

Very admirable. Perhaps hard to understand for those among us used to populist statements which simplify the world, but it’s true; without a proper pretext, you can’t monitor citizens and neither can you arrest them.

On the other hand, French president Nicholas Sarkozy said in a televised address that:

“From now on, any person who habitually consults Web sites that advocate terrorism or that call for hatred and violence will be criminally punished.”

“Don’t tell me it’s not possible,” Sarkozy went on to say. “What is possible for pedophiles should be possible for trainee terrorists and their supporters, too.” The outspoken French president was making a reference to the French laws which criminalise access to Internet sites with child porn. In France, if you’re a habitual visitor to these sites you face up to two years imprisonment and €30,000 in fines.

What some of the more preceptive of you might have realised by now is that what Sarko is describing is essentially the embodiment of thoughtcrime.

Yesterday I visited a far-right website from my own country of Malta. I did so because I had the dubious honour of being named on it, this owing to my openly liberal views. Visiting a site does not make me racist, and even if it did, being racist is not punishable by law. Attacking people of different colour based on racial motivations is. Back to the website I went to, it’s a disgusting piece of filth, but I’d defend its members’ right to visit it and post on it, so long as no formal laws are broken. The same thing applies to all other so called extreme ideologies. If no laws are broken, no laws are broken.

France is a huge country with an insanely varied population and a culture of tolerance, though it is not a country without its problems. Do not forget that Sarkozy is facing an election. Furthermore, France has always been at the forefront of legislation and development towards monitoring and curtailing certain messages on the internet. But here’s what remains to be seen. After the shocking events attributed to the young Merah, quo vadis France?

And what do you think France’s next step should be? Be heard in the comments below.

The 26 year old Sudanese bloke who was badly beaten in Paceville on Saturday morning has died of his injuries. Osama Al Shzliaoy was left lying in a pool of blood after his assault, and his life is now over. Just, like, that. By all accounts, this young man was an awesome fellow and an all round nice guys. A lot of my friends knew him, though I did not. Of course, that doesn’t change anything. He could have been an asshole for all that matters. He’s dead, and he’s dead for no good reason.

Bear in mind that this heart rending story comes just days after a bouncer was acquitted of causing death of ‘immigrant‘ (as the Times likes to call black people). This guy hit a black man who then died from hitting his head on the pavement. This also happened in Paceville. The entire story as reported by the Times is below -

Former bouncer Duncan Deguara, 32, has been unanimously acquitted by a jury of causing the death of 28-year-old immigrant Suleiman Abubaker, from Darfur, when he pushed him out of Footloose club, causing him to slam into the ground.

Mr Deguara, who lives in Paola, was, however, found guilty of not having a licence to be a guard and was fined €500.
Mr Abubaker suffered a fractured skull and lung contusions when he was thrown out of the club in May 2009. He fell into a coma and died 11 days later.

The total fine in that case was of €500, proving that in Malta, life might be cheap, but it’s cheaper still if you happen to be a black man. Oh and this guy who killed the migrant, he wasn’t actually a bouncer because he was working illegally, so strictly speaking, shouldn’t that have been reflected in the sentence too? If I dressed up as a police officer and battered someone to death, wouldn’t my sentence reflect that I was an impostor, an impostor who used a position of pretend power while carrying out a heinous crime.

Of course, as John Paul Cordina quipped on Facebook, in the United States (and also lots of other countries), following such a verdict, the media would say that it was an ‘all-white’ jury which unanimously acquitted the killer. Here we don’t do that. Makes you wonder just how deeply ingrained into this nation’s psyche racism is.

Don’t think so? I beg to differ. Imagine this scenario then, and let me know what you think would happen and be said after? What would happen if a black, female bouncer kills a young Maltese man after shoving him out of a club, while working as a bouncer illegally, and is subsequently acquitted in court? Or, what would happen if the same black, female bouncer was acquitted by an all-black jury?

And don’t for a minute think that this is just about bouncers taking the so called law into their own hands, bouncers whom we know to be uncouth louts with a penchant for violence. It’s not. Two days ago, Malta Today reported that:

‘Acts of prejudice against non-Caucasian people are not uncommon, and harassment of African-American embassy staff in Malta has been reported.’

Whoops, so some of those niggers we’ve been giving shit to were actually Americans working for the embassy, not filthy migrants? Whoops. Whoda thunk it? I didn’t know niggers worked, did you?

If you still have any doubts about the degree of institutionalized racism in Malta, check out the story of the 16 year old migrant, jailed (not detained, let’s get that straight) for 2 months, for entering the country illegally. Why had he escaped from Sudan? Oh, the tiny matter of “seeing his sisters raped and his father and brother killed.”

I’m sick and tired of seeing latent racism allowed to slide here in Malta. I’m ashamed to be even indirectly involved in the supposed system of justice here in Malta, and this only by virtue of where I was born and what citizenship I hold. This is wrong. I don’t care that other countries don’t do a stellar job themselves, fact remains that how we’re doing it is wrong, cynical, selfish and evil. I thought you hypocritical pricks were supposed to be Catholic and love thy neighbours as thyselves. Bullshit. This atheist is telling you that unless you take a stand about this, you’re silently contributing to it.

Pictures of the two guys who assaulted Osama and left him for dead have been circulating in the media. If you have any information regarding the identity and location of these two men, please call the Police on 119 or 21 224 001 . All callers may remain anonymous.

You see, the thing is, apparently, someone decided that it’s ok to dump the equivalent of a Swedish forest in paper into my mailbox every morning, just because you lot, the ruling elite, decided to play a little game called elections. We could have had a bigger game, but that wasn’t to be. Of course I was not party to this game (pun intended), because I couldn’t give two shakes of a squirrel’s ass whom you two big parties are planning to field in elections this year, especially given that none of the candidates are busty buxom lesbian blondes in tiny bikinis and a tendency to pour whipped cream over each other.

Thing is this, I stopped caring about all the ugly, family friendly businessmen and housewives and others pillars of this society which you deign are just the person we should look for and look to to run our locality, that is, this entirely made up patch of land we call whatever on god’s green earth you wanna call it. I don’t take very kindly to being told who to look up to, and this is my reaction; screw your people, screw your hand picked, dedicated people who just want to give up their time to help us. I’m not bloody impressed and I’m not bloody amused.

You see, I know how the big parties behave, and I know just how they see us voters; stupid, ignorant, crass little fuckheads who will bloody well vote for whom we tell them to vote because they know no better. And you see, they’re right a lot of the time, and I’m sure they’re even right about some of you reading this profanity laden piece right here. But, those assumptions don’t apply to me, and I know for damn sure they don’t apply to an entirely different set of you good people who are reading this.

And let me demonstrate. Just going through the local council elections junk mail for my locality. Two parties, 10 candidates, 2 housewives, 4 pensioners, one Managing Director, one HR manager, one lecturer, one sales executive and not one ounce of sympathy from me towards all of these, ergo, not one vote, because these people do not and couldn’t ever represent me.

And you know why this is? Because while many are bickering about the free wifi Labour promised and which was already available under the Nationalists, but it didn’t quite work and it didn’t count, I see past that. I see past that and I see it for what it is, useless fluff with no significance but which they jam between your ears until you stop thinking and obey, obey their will and vote for their zombies. Which I won’t do. Call it a protest vote or call it a lost vote, all I know is that it’s going to Alternattiva and it’s not coming to you, not again, not ever again.

Your rhetoric sucks, your arguments are puerile, your tone is patronising and I don’t like the look of you, so local councils, present and future, incumbent or in opposition, Labour or PN, do the right thing, stop wasting paper, don’t send me anything, because your spam means nothing here.

If you haven’t read the article yet, I suggest you do. But enough of this, I wanted to say something else and which Raphael reminded me of. It’s about these goddamn senior civil servants who head these departments and agencies. A lot of stuff has been said about them, ranging from your typical blue eyed boy accusation to the more serious allegations that the alleged nepotism in place locally has placed people who know a big fat fuck all in positions of extreme power. I’m not going down that road, I’m just going to say what I expect from these people, be they whomever they may be.

When it comes to the people who head up large governmental agencies or important bodies in this country, I don’t actually give a shit if they’re colourful characters, prone to being verbose, arrogant and condescending and for having absolutely no public relations skills. Nor do I give a shit if they’re paid a bomb, and I know that some of them are, and one of them in particular compared his pay to a car in that if “you want to buy an expensive car you have to pay for it”.

And again, although I see the inherent problem within, I do not actually care if they have links to the political parties, the construction magnate, the medicines cartel and what have you, even though these links are not conducive to the most desirable of positions.

Uncharacteristically for me, I don’t even give a toss as to whether these good people are idiots, complete Neanderthals with a single digit IQ or inbred fucks with 11 toes and a sub standard chromosome count. No, even this doesn’t affect me.

No, you see, I wouldn’t actually care about any of the above, scandalous as that may seem to anyone who’s reading, as long as what they’re tasked to do is done. Period.

Is that so wrong? Maybe. Fact is this; the only thing I care about is that these highly paid, mandatorily respected individuals do their job, do it well and cease any talk of ‘European standards’, ‘state of the art‘, ‘avantgarde’, ‘forward looking’ and  until what they call their ‘remit’ works and works well. And by works well, I do mean works well, not ‘worked up to a second stage of testing where it broke, but we wrote the User Guide and Press Release anyway.‘ You know who you are.

The Times reports that “Malta lunched safe in the knowledge that it could now count a Prince of the Catholic Church among its citizens.” Indeed, I dined on an exquisite dish of Not Actually Giving a Shit.

1: I don’t care

Why exactly should I care that Malta has a cardinal, like this is some sort of achievement for the nation? Don’t get me wrong, congrats to the old geezer and what not, but basically instructing me that this is an important and momentous day for the nation is a sort of thinking I don’t ascribe to and frankly, is just fucking pathetic.

And it’s not just that I’m anti-clerical and a darned atheist either, it goes beyond just that. To me, this sort of bullshit is just like the reportage given to tenor Joseph Calleja who said that he would one day bring a Grammy home to Malta. Sweet thoughts and all Joseph boy, but like I said on Facebook, you should win that shit for your own credit and because of your own good and hard work, not for anyone else’s majoram gloriam.

2: Oh yes, we’re delighted!

Oh, and get a load of this. Apparently, or should I say, ‘according to ToM‘, “Cardinal Prospero did his utmost to downplay the occasion, saying that it was likely that the Maltese people were more delighted than he was at his appointment.”

Oh you don’t say? Yes, the Maltese are really delighted at your appointment Your Holiness (is that the correct term used to address a Cardinal?). So delighted were they, I couldn’t get out of the house today because of all the damn carcades, all these cars and imitation Popemobiles out honking their horns and waving the Papal flag. Oh get out would you?

3: Honour say what?

So, “the President of Malta, George Abela, as well as Deputy Prime Minister Tonio Borg said that the event honoured both Cardinal Prospero personally, as well as the Maltese people and their faith.” Honour what sorry? I’m sorry I didn’t catch that in time, I had satanic death metal blasting into my earphones. Honour my faith? I don’t think that I’ve actually given any one of you my blessing to be talking about my faith, or anyone else’s apart from your own. I didn’t actually know that ‘Defender of the Faith’ was in your job description. kthanksbye.

4: You are so beautiful, to me

However, the true clincher is this, and I’m not even counting all this hype for a Cardinal that is too old to ever vote for a Pope because I don’t actually give a toss who votes for other people’s spiritual leader. No, this is the true clincher, what the new Cardinal said – “The most beautiful thing we have in Malta is the faith given to us by St Paul. Keep hold of that, Cardinal or no Cardinal,” Ha, ha, muthafucking ha. No mate, that is, quite plainly, untrue. Everyone knows that the most beautiful thing we have in Malta is our love of migrants, our complete lack of misogyny, our non-existent homophobia and of course, our sense of universal justice. Oh, and since we’re on to fairy tales now, the fact that St Paul took the venom from our snakes and cast it into the the tongues of, oh, never mind.

Thing is, Carnival ain’t never bothered me at all, you have. In fact, here are 5 Things I Hate about Carnival, or five things I hate about you which you do at Carnival. Take your fuckin’ pick.

1: Automatic fun

So let me get this straight, the aim of Carnival is to dress up as something ridiculous, drink copious amounts of booze, listen to loud music and automagically, fun will happen. Now, I’m not really sure what you’re into drinking normally, but anytime there’s loud music and booze involved, I’m already having fun, so really, I don’t actually need to be wearing a hook for a hand and tights to somehow magically expand the level of fun this miserable tosser is having.

2: Pirates

I understand that Johnny Depp and his Pirates franchise (how many films are there now, 15?) have made pirates as popular as vampires and certain black soul singers. I get that, I truly do. Still, it’s a bit old now isn’t it. I mean, for the ones of us who live on the internet, pirates are actually older than Stonehenge, and destined to get more of a condescending smile rather than a guffaw. That’s it, I’m sick and fucking tired of seeing people dress up in the same goddamn ridiculous pirate costume. Next one I catch is getting that hook of his rammed up his arse and twisted.

3: Noise

Now you might not get this about me, me being Maltese and all, but I hate noise, I truly do. I especially hate loud noises for which there is absolutely no justifiable goddamn reason, and among which I can list church bells (because there’s no god), fireworks (because dead people give less than a shit about the noise you’re making to honour them), mass meetings (because politicians are evil, corrupt idiots and you’re the morons who voted them in), carcades (because your team doesn’t actually give a solitary shit that you’re out there supporting them), buscades (because the whole world couldn’t give a fuck that we have yet another halfwit graduate to celebrate) and Carnival. To be honest, in the great scheme of things, Carnival is among the less noisy and least annoying, but can you blame for hating it? Remember I grew up to the sound of Eileen Montesin presenting that sham of a carnival in Valletta, her voice like a garden rake being plunged into a puppy, for hours on end. No wonder I’m still traumatised.

4: Valletta

Remind me, why oh why can’t I go into Valletta on the weekend when 1/3 of the population fucks off to Gozo to become someone else’s problem and not mine? Oh right, of course, I can’t because another third of the population heads down to Valletta with their obese families and yelling, screaming, crying kids in tow, and try to enjoy the piece of shit show of blue hues and pastel pinks, accompanied by that most mindless of music; cheesy 80s and 90s songs rearranged to be more ‘dance’. I could think of worse things to happen to me than be stuck in Valletta this weekend, but then again, I don’t think I’d mind waterboarding so much.

5: Kids

It’s not that I hate kids. I don’t, I really don’t and apparently, I’m really quite good with them, probably because as a man, I’m first and foremost an overgrown child. No, it’s this ridiculous, sanitised, fucking family friendly bullshit I can’t take. Do you think that when the Knights celebrated Carnival there were kids running round in Droopy costumes or cowboy getups or whatever the hell it is parents make their kids wear these days? Fuck no man, those parties would have been legendary, and epically NSFW. Grotesque, sick, exaggerated, vile, you pick your adjective dude, I’m sticking with awesome. Those must have been some parties man! You could have scraped the debauchery off your dancing shoes when you were done. That’s the way Carnival ought to be done, fuck these stupid kid friendly floats and marches with the little princess queen at the front waving her little plastic China made ‘magic’ wand. Kids can wear whatever they damn well please all year round, leave Carnival to us grown ups, and let it be sick and fucking twisted.

Now, where’s my Zombie Obama costume?

I wasn't kidding, the Zombie Obama costume does exist! http://bit.ly/Add2g7

This year, I once again let my imagination run wild with what the songs were actually about, and since I watched the videos in mute, the subject of said songs could once again be anything I liked it to be. These were the worst moments of some of the Maltese finalists, and I say some because I couldn’t be arsed to force myself to watch more of this crap, even on mute.

Oh, and if you’re offended because you were expected a well thought out, well structured and well written piece about the musical connotations and what have you of the Eurovision, sorry, you’re wrong. It’s the Eurovision you dumbfucks, if you take it seriously, it’s your own time you’re wasting.

Danica Muscat

"I'm not supposed to be holding a drinks tray, am I?"

JAnvil

"Stop the wanker behind me from waving his sticks!"

Isabelle

"How could you misspell 'water'?"

Francesca Borg

"A serenade about self breast examination."

Klinsmann

"Yes you guess right, I'm a wanker!"

Richard Edwards

"You guessed right again, I'm a wanker too!"

Annalise Ellul

"Slipped on a banana"

"Monkeys love banana!"

Kurt Calleja

"I'm grabbing an invisible boobie! Yay me!"

"I didn't take a happy pill, no man, I just grabbed a boobie!"

"And now I just shat my pants.."

Romina Mamo

"Uh oh, don't you dare grab my ass!"

"And don't you dare grab my vag!"

"Why you waving to the back, uh oh Mister?"

Deborah C

"Look, I haz jumping monkey!"

"And my monkeys go Sieg Heil, Sieg Heil!"

Dorothy Bezzina

"He wasn't a big man at all, maybe only about this big!"

"I was like 'LOL, this big?'"

"Liar said it was this big, so I walked off in a huff.."

Fabrizio Faniello

"In my defence, I did tell her I was about this big.."

"But then again, I was this hard after all!"

"Ok fine, maybe I lied, maybe I stretched it by this much..."

Claudia Faniello

"My brother ran to me because some bitch told him he was tiny.."

"But to be fair, he really is this big."

Gianni

"Hey dirty girl, you wanna see my guitar?"

"Hey you guys watch out, this will be a smelly one!"

"Seriously you guys, that stank, but I gotta come up for air now!"

Yeah yeah, I know I left a bunch of singers out, but like I said, I couldn’t be arsed to see all of the lame, pathetic, goddamn vomit inducing videos. Do it yourself and link back in the comments, the world will love you for it.

Oh, and before you start to bitch that I’ve hammered the singers before they had a chance to prove themselves and yadda, yadda, yadda, just remember some of the ridiculous things you said last year, also about the Eurovision. Commit them to memory. You will need them soon.