Markham's Stories

2009-12-10T18:15:00.004-07:00

Top 10 Worst Christmas Songs

Ah, it’s Christmas time, my favorite time of the year. Everyone seems to be a little nicer and a little more giving. You know its Christmas when you cut someone off in your car and a sheepish smile admitting your guilt is enough to gain forgiveness. It is also Christmas when you start to hear Christmas songs on every radio station from Hip Hop to Country. And generally that is a great thing. But we all know that you some songs are beyond tolerable. You know, the songs that make you change the channel before the Third note is played, or in some cases the third bark. I will probably take some heat for some of my choices but this is my list and you are free to comment. I’ve found videos for all the songs save it be one, but I’m betting you don’t want to see a video for it. Go ahead play the video and read my comments, I’m positive you won’t want to watch or listen to the whole song. So enjoy and I pray none of these songs get stuck in your head.

10. I want an Alien for Christmas, Fountains of Wayne

I am a fan of Fountains of Wayne, they have some great songs, Stacy’s mom is not included, but their self titled album is a must. This song however is just bad; I had not heard it until this year when Brittany introduced it to me because painfully she has to listen to it multiple times a day while working at Claires Boutique. Not sure why they chose to sing about Aliens and Christmas but hey, if it’s good enough for Claires…

9. Santa Looked A Lot Like Daddy, Buck Owens

This song has been covered by Brad Paisley and Garth Brooks and both of them managed to pull of a song that sounds just as bad as the original by Buck Owens. It’s cheesy but not the fun cheesy that some Christmas songs can pull off. The country twang does not do anything to help this song. I’m sure Rascal Flatts will cover it next year.

8. Christmas Shoes, Newsong

I’m prepared for the backlash I will receive for putting this song on the list. But this song is just forced sadness to me. Originally made for a made for TV movie starring the recent king of cheesy made for TV movies Rob Lowe (you’ll always have a home on the Lifetime: Television for Woman). And what is with the name of the band, “Newsong”, sounds like whoever put this song together for the movie couldn’t figure out a name for the fake band that sings it, should have gone with The Tear Jerker’s, or The Sad Heart Singers. Okay, I have flamed this song enough and I know at least three people that read this probably would put this in their Top 10 Christmas Song list.

7. Baby its Cold Outside, Dolly Parton and Rod Stewart

I don’t know who thought putting these two together for a duet was a good idea, but I’m pretty sure they were fired the second this song was released. Rod Stewart is, well, Rod Stewart and Dolly Parton sounds like all the plastic surgery she has had makes it impossible for her to open her mouth all the way. But then again, that may be a good thing. Only a country station in Cleveland would find it appropriate to play this little gem every hour or so.

6. Walkin’ Round in Women’s Underwear, Bob Rivers

I didn’t find a video for this song, in fact, I didn’t look. I can only imagine how disturbing that google search would be. This is just a Christmas comedy song that tries to be clever and funny and ends up being neither. When I first heard this song several years ago I thought it would be a one season thing, but it continues to persist. I guess there is enough people out there with a horrible sense of humor to keep this train wreck of a song going.

This top 5 is epic; these songs are so terrible they make you wish someone was clawing on a chalkboard just to distract you.

5. All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth, Spike Jones

I dare you to listen to this whole song. I heard it on the radio and almost drove into a telephone pole, I was stunned by awfulness. This song is from the 40’s and I refuse to believe that this is the best that generation had to offer. Is there anything more annoying than an adult trying to sound like a kid that is missing their two front teeth? Since this is not the number 1 song, apparently there is.

4. Barking Dog Jingle Bells, Some Dogs (I guess)

Everyone has had that neighbor who’s dog barks all night especially when you want some sleep. So why would anyone enjoy a version of that, that sounds like Jingle Bells? Beats me, but millions of albums with this song on it have been sold and millions of toy dogs that bark out jingle bells have been sold. To be fair, I hate dogs, but I sure wouldn’t want an album full of cats meowing out Christmas songs. Songs like this are why other countries hate America.

3. Dominick the Donkey, Lou Monte

Maybe it’s an Italian thing, I don’t know. But this song is so out there, I don’t really know what to say other than who thinks to write a song about a Christmas donkey? All those He Haws are so annoying my head aches just thinking about it. I’m thinking about writing a song about a Hanukah Turtle, we’ll see how that goes.

2. White Christmas, Neil Diamond

Ay, ay, I think this song is just plain miserable. Neil Diamond hit a Horrible Holiday Homerun on this piece of work. You can’t help but break out in laughter with every word of this abomination of a cover. White Christmas is a classic and just about anyone and everyone has covered it successfully but wow, Neil Diamond is in a class all of his own on this one. I know my mother is laughing right now, just like she does every time this song comes on.

1. I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas, Gayla Peevey

Remember when I asked if there was anything worse than an adult trying to sound like a child? We’ll here’s the answer, this kid is. My word, this voice is about the most painful I’ve ever heard. I hope for this girl’s sake she grew out of it. Is she singing through her nose, because it sounds that way? And just so you know little girl hippopotamus’ kill more people than any other animal, do your research.

I hope you enjoyed this little list, feel free to add your most hated songs to the list or give me a piece of your mind for putting your favorite song on here.

Costa Rica

2009-07-16T13:39:00.022-06:00

I know what you are thinking, didn't Markham go to Costa Rica way back in May. Why in the world has it taken him so long to update his blog. Well, if you're reading this blog right now then you know me and you know that I don't ever update my blog, so this is nothing new.

Anyway, my friend James and I went to Costa Rica at the beginning of may. It was more or less my last big trip as a SkyWest employee. (I got laid off a week later) Anyway, this was a really great trip. We had loads of fun, never really figured out what the exchange rate for the money was but we had a blast riding 4 wheelers, dodging sting rays in the ocean, flying down the mountain on zip lines and telling every other Costa Rican that we were not interested in buying weed. So, enjoy the pictures and video.

After flying first class from Atlanta to San Jose, Costa Rica we needed to find a place to stay for the night and a ride to that place. As is customary in South America, for the most part if you own a car you are also a taxi driver. So, we found a guy hanging out at the airport and he took us to a hotel that was actually pretty decent. After conveying our plans for the trip he volunteered to drive us to the beach town of Jaco for a price of course and he would also drive us back to the San Jose the next day. We kept telling him that we might stay longer but he insisted on taking us back the next day. Anyway, after spending the night in San Jose our taxi driver showed up with his wife ready for a little vacation to Jaco. This next video shows part of the drive down to Jaco.

On the way to Jaco we stopped on a bridge to check out the crocodiles that lived under it. There were a ton of them. Even more on the other side of the bridge. I think if I lived down there I would raise chickens and sell them to tourists to feed to the crocodile. It's a living.

After arriving in Jaco we checked into a super scetchy motel and I think that our taxi driver told us it was more expensive than it really was so that he could squeeze some extra money out of us, but 8 dollars a night isn't that bad at all. Not wanting to spend more than 30 seconds at the motel we headed for the beach.

This is James somehow flying out of the wave.

Swimming in the ocean in paradise can be extremely painful. At least that is what you would think by the expression on my face.

So, James and I kept getting hit by Rays that were riding the waves in and I try and explain it in this video by I think I drowned at the end of it.

Evidently Costa Ricans like cheerleading as much as Americans because this competition was going on by where we were swimming.

After hours of beach time we went and got some dinner and decided to walk around. We got stopped by the Policia because they assumed that since we are Americans we were looking for drugs. They were wrong, we were just walking. Thanks to James' superior spanish skills they let us move along.

This is James being hardcore and jumping over a creek on the beach that ran into the ocean.

Since our Taxi driver wanted to go back the next day and we wanted to stay we had to hide from him in the morning and go find another place to stay. We did it was a little more expensive. 9 dollars a night. This is it.

Somewhere my picture is hanging up in the hostile, it was great, I'd recommend it to anyone.

Next came one of my favorite parts of the adventure. Spanish Karaoke, good times.

This guy had some skills. This next guy was really really bad.

I don't know what universe that tune is Hard Days Night but wow, I really should never sing. To be fair I sang a really good La Bamba that James didn't record.

And here's James.

Great Times! And we don't even drink.

We decided to rock the 4Wheelers which was a really good idea. We saw some cool stuff.

Our guide just pulled out these coconuts drilled a hole in them, put a straw in and boom, best drink ever.

So if you look close you can see that James has a girl on the back of his ATV now. And so does our guide, evidently he thought we should give them a ride. I guess our guide was down with hitting on 14 year old girls.

We also went on a zip line tour that day. This video is the only evidence of that.

The next day we hit up Manuel Antonio state park. It was good times in the rainforest.

A Snake A Snake, OOO It's A Snake

Silouettes of Monkeys

Beach Monkey

I wasn't sweating, it was humid...right.

Awesome beach inside the park.

This was an awesome cluster of Bamboo.

And finally a video from the Rainforest. Until next time. Peace Out.

My trip to Hawaii

2009-03-10T13:19:00.006-06:00

Hawaii

I spent last week in Hawaii, the weather wasn't the greatest but we made the most out of a rainy week in Hawaii. These are some videos and pictures of the fun. All my pictures are on facebook if you want to see more.

This was our tent, it may be the best investment I've ever made. It is awesome and kept us dry, except when we were putting it up in the rain.

Drinking this stuff was like drinking pure sugar water, which is exactly what it was.

This is the view from above Waimea, simply gorgeous, even on a cloudy day.

This next picture shows in detail a little canal that some kids were trying to build to empty out the lake you can see on the left in the picture above into the ocean. I thought it was cool but would never work.

Well, when we went to the beach the day after we were on top of the mountain, this is what we saw.

It was crazy how much water was flowing. Thes next videos will give you an idea how crazy it really was.

This is a view from the lake.

There were boogie boards, skim boards and surf boards everywhere.

This kid was the best.

This is a kid showing off for the Ladies.

We went on a Hike and I felt like this was a good bench to sit on and pretend I was waiting for a bus.

This is a big tree I had to climb.

On another hike I got to walk through a tunnel of trees.

And this is a waterfall and my feet.

By some crazy coincidence Bear and I were in Hawaii the same time. Bear stayed at Turtle Bay and we had an amazing breakfast together.

This may be my favorite part of the trip. This dog just came over to us on the beach and chilled with us. He seemed really cool. I named him Surf Dog. I'd like to think that he was like a dog from the movies and was winning over the hearts of children and adults everywhere, all while getting into crazy adventures.

If you go to the Dole Plantation you have to feed the fish.

This is me jumping off a waterfall. Hooray!

And this is for Gary and the rest of you lovers of waves.

My Trip to Syracuse

2009-02-23T20:10:00.002-07:00

Here are a ton of videos from my trip. I had a great time visiting my family.

This next one is my favorite.

Calorie Man

2009-01-25T20:57:00.002-07:00

I wiped the dust off this one. It was made for my friend Phil's english class. Not sure what it had to do with anything but, here you go.

24 hour film festival

2009-01-23T13:07:00.003-07:00

Some of you may have heard that I have been in a couple 3 minute movies for the 24 film competition in conection with the LDS film festival here in Utah. Well here they are.

This first video we made two years ago, it was really fun to make, but it didn't make a whole lot of sense to most people that watched it. It really didn't make a lot of sense to some of us that made it. Enjoy.

This next film was from this years film festival. It premiered last night, it got a lot of laughs. Jeff and Blake did all of the editing. I think Jeff was the best actor of the bunch. I think you can see we improved our skills.

This final film I did on my own. It took one take, 10 minutes to write and no time to edit. I think it went well. It got a couple laughs. Oh and it was all done at 3:00 A.M.

Some Videos For You

2008-08-19T18:06:00.003-06:00

This is probably the best commercial that I have seen made on a local level. I mean seriously, if this doesn't make you laugh, I feel bad for you. Evidently here in Utah we had a problem last summer with Crypto something or other spirosis. Whatever that is. I think this add will solve the problem.

And this is an inappropriate video of me with some friends about a year and a half ago. Go ahead, laugh at my pain.

Another Story

2008-08-13T15:58:00.002-06:00

I'll try and do a little better throwing in some more of my stories. I've received some requests from some of my readers for more and I appreciate the support. This is a story I wrote a while ago, I'm not sure when, I wrote it on the back of a "to do" list which has, register car as one of my things to do. So, that would place it somewhere around October of 2007. Anyway, here it is. Let me know what you think.

"We'll never make it", Travis screamed. "Of course we will", shouted Truman. "And this wouldn't happen everyday if you'd just get your butt outta bed." "So now this is my fault", replied Travis. "If you're willing to admit you have a problem, I guess that's the first step on the road to recovery", joked Truman. "I don't know why we're even friends, all you ever do is piss me off", said Travis, his voice struggling to come out, now feeling the effects of running several blocks. "You've got a real problem Travis", said Truman, "you just take yourself to seriously, that's why you can't tell when I'm just joking". "Oh, I can tell when you're joking, your whole life is a joke", said Travis, feeling like he got the best of Truman on that one. "Oh, get out the pooper scooper folks", shouted Truman, "because Travis is talking crap". "That's pretty brave coming from the kid who's winded after running two blocks", Truman added. "I'm not winded, it's called controlled breathing, it helps my asthma", said Travis, now wheezing a little. "Well, you better keep controlling that breathing because we missed the bus", Truman said with a partial laugh in his voice. Travis stopped, attempted to catch his breath, looked at his best friend and said, "I hate you".

A Brand New Challenge

2008-08-12T15:32:00.006-06:00

Oweing to the fact that I know that I can to nothing in this life without a goal I decided on July 14 that I needed to do something big. Because honestly, what have I been doing with my life lately? I work and I travel, and it is a charmed life I admit, I love going out and seeing places and visiting friends and family. But there isn't enough struggle, If I don't really want to do something, generally I don't do it. So, on the fateful day in July I decided that I needed to train for a marathon. And no, I'm not training for the Twilight Zone marathon, which to this date is the only marathon I have exprience with. I will say that it is a great marathon though. Anyway, I've decided that I will be running the Catalina Marathon on Saturday March 14th. Let me tell you, I sure know how to pick them. This thing is going to be a monster. The vast majority of the race is uphill. Let me show you on this chart here.

Am I crazy? Absolutely, isn't anyone that runs a marathon crazy? But I do look forward to this great challenge. I'm almost one month into my training. I've got another two months of mileage buildup training before I start my actual marathon training, but you gotta start somewhere. So far, it's been kicking my butt, as expected. But, as I said, I need to do something that I don't necessarily like. So, periodically I'll be updating on the blog my marathon training status.

2008-08-09T16:25:00.000-06:00

Olympic Fever

Somebody take my temperature, I'm feeling a little quezzy. What could it be, well, if you read the title, I'm battling a serious bout of Olympic Fever. The opening ceremonies were amazing last night. The artistry was captivating, it pretty much made the Salt Lake opening ceremonies look like a high school production. But, such is the Olympics, you gotta top the last one. On a side note, an official evaluation of the countries of the world was made by Myself, Crane, James, and Landon. The results were both surprising and predictable in their own right. First of all, as expected Sweden dominated the ceremonies in the overall hotness of girls. But we were all impressed with Croatia and Slovakia, who represented themselves quite well. In my opinion the ultimate prize goes to Jordan(the country, not the kid living on an island right now) with only 3 women marching in the parade, each one was a stunning beauty.

How much do I love the Olympics? I watched woman's badminton for an hour followed by sculling. I don't know what it is about the Olympics, but I just get sucked in and I can hardly tear myself away. I imagine that over the next two weeks as I remain stationary on my couch, alternating between laying down and sitting up my body will enter a new form of lethergy never before attained. You would think spending all day watching people compete in athletic events would inspire me to get out and do something, it mostly just gets me tired. I figure they're in good enough shape to combat my laziness, except the shooting sports people, they're mostly FOG's (Fat Old Guys). Anyway, the US is whooping up on the Dutch in women's beach volleyball and I need to devot more attention toward the big screen. Peace out, and enjoy what millions around the world are enjoying.

2008-04-07T18:32:00.000-06:00

Again, I wrote this a few months ago.

The landlocked pirate of Portales, New Mexico

I’m a pirate all right, isn’t it clear? Look at this long and nappy black beard, it still has crumbs in it from the battered fish sticks that I had for lunch. Perhaps you didn’t notice this eye-patch that I have to wear, it’s true that I don’t need it per say, and often times I change it from my left to my right eye, but that is only because it gets itchy and uncomfortable. But I’ll tell you right now that that does not make me any less of a pirate. In fact, did you notice my leg? No, not the right one, but the left one. Well, of course they would look the same to you. My left leg is my sea leg. I’ve always had problems with my balance; I had a real bad ear infection as a child. My left leg tends to wobble a lot as I walk; it shows people the effects of pirating. Would you like to see me take a walk around my yard? It is very entertaining to children and adults a like. Fine! I wasn’t planning on showing you anyway. Punks like you have no respect for pirates these days. What do you mean where is my ship? I guess you don’t see very well, it’s over there in the driveway. It may look like a Buick to you, but I can assure you that that is one of the greatest of pirate land-vessels every made. Perhaps you didn’t notice the skull and cross-bone bumper sticker on the trunk. That clearly states that that vehicle is to be used for pirating purposes only. Why is my wife driving away in it? That’s a stupid question, she has been given permission to go to the store and pillage it. I hope she remembers to get some Fig Newton’s, I love those things. Oh, so you don’t think I speak like a pirate. Well, you should have been here yesterday when I gave the mailman a good cussing out. If that no good mailman delivers my publishers clearing house to the neighbors again, I’m gonna talk to his supervisor. Have I even been to the ocean? That’s the dumbest question I’ve ever heard, in fact I don’t think that I need to answer anymore of your questions. I think that it would be best if you just told me how much I owe you for the Thin Mints and the Tag Alongs and you went on your way. That’s what I thought, now don’t knock over any of my lawn gnomes and make sure you close the gate. I swear, these girl scouts are getting more and more mouthy every year.

Markham (August 2007)

2008-04-06T22:28:00.000-06:00

This was a little short story I wrote a couple months ago I liked it. Let me know what you think.

To be Stoic

I awoke feeling very stoic today, of course being a man of very limited intelligence I had to get a dictionary and look up what stoic meant. Once again owing to the fact that I have quite a small mind I did not fully comprehend the definition of stoic. As best as I could tell, it had something to do with gargoyles. Now, I do not have a great love for gargoyles, but when you wake-up feeling a certain way, I feel that it is best to act that way until the feeling passes. One might ask, “how is that you can feel and then act like a gargoyle”? This is indeed the question that I asked myself, I thought back to my days in school and all that I had learned of gargoyles. Sadly I did not remember much, I ran in circles hoping that the exercise would stimulate the part of my brain where I stored information about gargoyles. This was a fruitless endeavor though. I could think of very little in regards to gargoyles. I knew that they were on churches and more often then not they were quite ugly, generally speaking of course. I knew of several local churches that I could hang out at, but there was this issue of becoming ugly. While I was not blessed with much of a mind, I was given the gift of slightly above average looks. It would not be an easy task to make myself as ugly as a gargoyle, but I was up to a challenge. Challenges can be very fun, I find that they make me feel that I’ve done something great when I accomplish them, however, I feel pathetic and down-trodden when I do not rise to the challenge. Maybe that’s why I quit playing with Rubik’s cubes.
I placed a grey trench-coat over my broad shoulders; I used cardboard and an old headband to attach horns to my slightly balding head. I spent nearly an hour staring in the mirror practicing my gargoyle face, I twisted it at all kinds of angles. I crossed my eyes, flared my nostrils, and stuck my tongue out as though I was wild. With a minor adjustment to my costume, I added a pitch-fork, which was actually part of my salad tongs, I felt ready to meet the world. Truly, no better gargoyle could be portrayed. As I stood by the door ready to head to the nearest church, a strange feeling came upon me; it was a sense of accomplishment. I had risen to the challenge and became the stoic gargoyle that I felt inside. But I no longer felt stoic, I now had a feeling of self-actualization. Looks like I need my dictionary again.

Markham (Aug 16. 2007)