By learning to use these six communication keys, you will enrich your marriage and move your relationship to a whole new level.

My parents never learned to communicate. Oh, they talked a lot – shouted and argued even more – but they never learned the keys for truly talking and listening to each other. Their relationship ended with a bitter divorce, following twenty years of marital chaos, and resulted in a shattered family and emotionally wounded children. It didn’t have to happen.

During the past thirty (30) years it has been our privilege to counsel numerous couples as they sought to enrich (and often to save) their marriages. In all of these relationships, there existed a primary ‘issue’ or challenge such as financial problems, infidelity, boredom, etc.

In each marriage the root cause for disharmony
was the lack of successful communication.

In some cases, one dominant spouse would attempt to change the other through persuasive argument. In others, the spouse with the loudest voice would ’win’ the argument ending with the quieter spouse in tears. This didn’t have to happen.

In each of these marriages, as the couples learned to put into practice the following ‘6 Keys for Great Marriage Communication’, the relationship improved and resulted in a much stronger marriage. Once they learned to communicate effectively, the couples were able to work through the underlying issues and resolve them.

Over the next six days, I will be posting a series of six sub-articles, each one providing details for one of the following ‘6 Keys for Great Marriage Communication’:

• Key #1: Hold Hands
• Key #2: Think Before You Speak and Re-format Your Words
• Key #3: Choose The Right Time To Talk
• Key #4: Learn To Listen
• Key #5: Schedule A ‘Talking Appointment’
  (Though this sounds similar to key #3, it is actually quite different.)
• Key #6: One Topic Is Enough

These ‘6 Keys for Great Marriage Communication’ are condensed from a chapter of our forthcoming book: MARRIED … AND ENJOYING IT! (30 Years of Marriage Enrichment Secrets)

If you would like to be one of the first to be notified when the book is released, just CLICK HERE

The newest post is an opinion post under the “In The News” category, entitled “Abortion, Murder, And Religion.”

Let us know what you think!

Chuck

This one is of the Three Stooges – Their take on ‘married life’.

This is one of Chuck’s new favorites. It is funny, just enjoy it and don’t take it too seriously (especially you Renee ).

Many times being able to do two things at once is a real asset! This is not true; however; when applied to great marital communication. In fact, it can inhibit, or even ruin an opportunity for drawing closer to your spouse. For this last key, we want to focus on the need to stay “on-topic.”

Key 6 – One Topic Is Enough

By talking about one subject at a time, we allow adequate time for a complete discussion.

Key 6 is ‘One Topic Is Enough’. Here are some incentives for planning to discuss only one subject or topic per session:

• It gives adequate time for a complete and thorough discussion.
  Through the years, Renee and I have found that most of our serious discussions require concentrated thought, free from distractions. If you try to rush through a discussion, you probably won’t finish it or deal with it completely enough. One of you will feel like you were not able to say everything that you wanted to.
• It helps to keep you focused.
  By selecting just one topic, you can focus in on all of the concerns, details, ideas, and thoughts that each of you have. You won’t be distracted by ’side issues’ and you will both have adequate time to respond.
• It helps you to listen, and not ‘rush on’ to a topic that is “safer” or that you feel is more important (worthy of your time).
  This is a very important concept to understand. One of the first natural reactions that we have in our defense system, is to change the subject. When we become uncomfortable, scared, embarrassed, or angry, we want to flee the conversation. The easiest way to do this is by changing the subject. We can latch on to one of the words or sentences that our spouse used, and turn the conversation in a different direction.

  An example of this could occur during a discussion about finances. If, during the discussion, a child’s need for new shoes arises, it is easy to direct the conversation to the child’s lack of care for and respect of their clothing. This redirects our emotions off of the subject and onto the child. Before we realize what has happened, we are in the middle of a heated discussion that has nothing to do with our topic.

A final note – if you have two or three ‘minor’ issues that need to be discussed, it is okay to tackle them all at once, just be certain that you both agree. If you think a topic is minor, make sure your spouse feels the same. You might open a can of worms that will require a long fishing expedition when you thought you could just rest your pole for a few minutes

There are obviously many different types of communication and discussions that take place in a marriage. These ‘6 Keys for Great Marriage Communication’ are specifically meant to be used with topics that are highly emotional and have the potential to create conflict in our marriage if not approached carefully.

Write to Renee and I and let us know how its going.!

These ‘6 Keys for Great Marriage Communication’ are condensed from a chapter of our forthcoming book: MARRIED … AND ENJOYING IT! (30 Years of Marriage Enrichment Secrets)

If you would like to be one of the first to be notified when the book is released, just CLICK HERE

If we can be of any help to you, please let us know. We are available to answer your marriage questions and would love to hear your thoughts. Post a comment below and lets discuss this important key to Effective Marriage Communication.

Read Key 5 – Key 5, Plan When To Talk

For better marriages!

Chuck

Setting a time for talking with your spouse is perhaps one of the most important appointments you can make. When an event is important to us, we pull out our calendar or PDA and write down the date and time that it will occur. We don’t want to miss it and we know that it would be easy to forget with our busy schedules.

Key 5 – Plan When To Talk

The fifth Key that we will examine sounds similar to Key 3, yet it is actually quite different.

By setting a specific date and time to talk,
we ensure that our spouse will have our undivided attention.

Key 5 is ‘Plan When To Talk’. Here are some important concepts to consider as you set an appointment to talk with your spouse:

• Setting an appointment demonstrates that you value your time together and consider it important.
  Many well meaning couples go through much of their married lives ‘planning to talk’ – as soon as they can. They realize there are important matters to discuss, but there always seem to be more ‘important’ things to do. Other activities take priority, stealing away this vital part of marriage enrichment. When you take the time to set a specific appointment – a time set aside to talk – you are placing an emphasis on the value of talking together and signifying your commitment to each other in a fresh way.
• It gives you time to gather your thoughts.
  By planning a time to sit down and talk, we give ourselves time to think about the topic and decide what we want to say, and how we want to say it. This lessens the possibility that we will say something in an offensive way.
• It gives your spouse time to be prepared and to think through their thoughts as well.
  This is especially necessary if you are the one who initiates the conversation. When you set an appointment to talk, you allow your spouse time to think about how they are feeling, and what they want to communicate to you.
• After you set the appointment, make sure you keep it!
  This is extremely important. If we set a specific time to sit together and talk, we must make it a priority. Don’t allow other, less important things to arise which cause you to cancel this appointment. If you do, you are sending a very negative signal to your spouse.
• You might find it helpful to make this a regular monthly appointment.
  At several points in our marriage relationship, Renee and I have set regular appointments for us to talk. We have kept a list of the things we wanted to make decisions about and the topics we needed to discuss. Then, at the appointed time, we have set down and made the decisions and discussed the subjects that were on our list(s).

One word of caution. You need to approach the idea of setting an appointment to talk in a positive way. You don’t want to make it seem like you can’t talk unless you make an appointment. There are obviously many different types of communication and discussions that take place in a marriage. These ‘6 Keys for Great Marriage Communication’ are specifically meant to be used with topics that are highly emotional and have the potential to create conflict in our marriage if not approached carefully.

Write to Renee and I and let us know how its going.!

These ‘6 Keys for Great Marriage Communication’ are condensed from a chapter of our forthcoming book: MARRIED … AND ENJOYING IT! (30 Years of Marriage Enrichment Secrets)

If you would like to be one of the first to be notified when the book is released, just CLICK HERE

If we can be of any help to you, please let us know. We are available to answer your marriage questions and would love to hear your thoughts. Post a comment below and lets discuss this important key to Effective Marriage Communication.

Read Key 6 – Key 6, One Topic Is Enough
Read Key 4 – Key 4, Learn To Listen

For better marriages!

Chuck

We don’t always hear the same words that our spouse speaks. Anyone who has been married for longer than a week, probably already knows this.

Key 4 – Learn To Listen

It is easy to listen to someone else speak, without really hearing or comprehending their words. If you don’t want to take my word for it, just picture the interaction between a man watching his favorite team on TV and his wife who has just entered the room. The conversation might sound something like this.

Wife: “Honey, I invited George and Nancy over for dinner on Monday night.”

Husband: “Okay.”

Wife: “Then I thought we could play some cards afterward, or maybe go to a movie.”

Husband: “Okay.”

Wife: “I told them you would barbecue hamburgers on the grill.”

Husband: “Okay”

Later that night …

Wife: “Can you pick up some buns on your way home from work tomorrow?”

Husband: “What for?”

That conversation might seem a bit extreme, but I know that it, or one very similar, occurs in homes across the country each day. Did the husband ignore his wife on purpose? No, probably not. Did the wife choose to talk during the game, knowing that her husband would agree to just about anything? No, probably not. The most likely cause for this ‘conversations’ demise was simply poor timing. Unfortunately, the poor timing resulted in miscommunication because the husband was not ‘really’ listening to his wife.

In todays multimedia world, there are many voices scrambling for our attention.
Unless we are careful to listen to each other, it is very easy to leave our spouse
with the impression that what she/he has to say is not really a priority for us.

Key 4 is ‘Learning To Listen’. We have compiled a simple list of suggestions to help you implement this Key. They are:

• Be patient and take your time.
  When you and your spouse sit down for a serious discussion, try to clear your mind of distractions and don’t be in a hurry. When we are in a hurry, we project a sense of urgency into our words and body language that subliminally project thoughts like, “I’m too busy for this.” and “What you have to say is not important to me.” Oh, we might not say those words, but the message is being sent out clearly. The opposite is also true. When we sit down and hold hands, tuning out everything but our spouse, we are sending clear signals, “I want to be here.” and “What you are saying is very important to me.”
• Don’t think about your response while your spouse is still talking.
  Stay focused on what your spouse is saying. Look directly at her/him. Don’t interrupt. Allow her/him to express their feelings without being rushed. This will give them the time to choose their words and speak in the most effective manner possible.
  When we try to formulate our response while our spouse is still speaking, we usually fail to hear everything they are saying. We tend to rush back in to the conversation without fully hearing everything that our spouse wants to say.
• Take notes so that you can remember key points for discussion later.
  Yes, take notes! I know it might seem silly, but we have found that having a piece of paper and a pen handy allows us to write down an important thought that we want to discuss, without interrupting our spouses train of thought. I often write down a word or two while Renee is speaking, especially if I have a question about some part of what she said and I don’t want to forget to ask it later.
  Having pen and paper handy also allows us to compile a list of ‘action items’ that sometimes arise during the conversation. This is a great tool for following through on commitments we make to each other.
  • Remember to throw away these notes when you are through. Don’t allow them to become future weapons such as, “Well 3 weeks ago you said,,,”
  • Its okay to keep the list of action items.
• Repeat what you ‘think’ you heard.
  Try to repeat back to your spouse the content of what she/he said, but using different words. This shows your spouse that you understand, and also gives them a chance to clarify anything that was missed or misunderstood. It will give you time to gather your thoughts for a response and might allow your spouse the opportunity to rephrase or restate an important point for clarity.
  • To ensure clarity of understanding and to give yourself time to ‘frame’ your response.

Married couples have many different types of conversations. These 6 Keys are specifically for those conversations that include difficult, stressful, of emotional content and/or topics. These topics can include finances, children, work, household responsibilities, sex, and many others. The Keys have been developed during our 30 years of married life and have helped Renee and I to grow together. Our discussions have been tools for closeness instead of becoming material to argue about. We hope you will practice and use these keys to enrich your marriage.

Write to Renee and I and let us know how its going.!

These ‘6 Keys for Great Marriage Communication’ are condensed from a chapter of our forthcoming book: MARRIED … AND ENJOYING IT! (30 Years of Marriage Enrichment Secrets)

If you would like to be one of the first to be notified when the book is released, just CLICK HERE

If we can be of any help to you, please let us know. We are available to answer your marriage questions and would love to hear your thoughts. Post a comment below and lets discuss this important key to Effective Marriage Communication.

Read Key 5, Plan When To Talk
Read Key 3 – Key 3, Choose The Right Time To Talk

For better marriages!

Chuck

Does it really matter ‘when’ you talk? YES! This next Key is a vitally important part of successful marriage communication. Trying to ‘talk’ with our spouse in the “heat of battle” almost never works and usually results in hurt feelings miscommunication.

Key 3 – Choose the Right Time to Talk

I’m certain that most couples have made this mistake at least once. You know how it starts. One spouse harbors anger or frustration about an action or habit of the other. Maybe she/he has tried to talk about it before, but for whatever reason, wasn’t successful in expressing the right feelings.

Then it happens… the action or habit occurs again and the gloves come off. The pent-up emotions pour out like an overturned pitcher of water.

When this happens it seems almost impossible to calmly and rationally discuss our feelings. We don’t take the time to initiate Keys 1 & 2 (Holding Hands and Thinking Before We Speak) and instead we just begin to ‘dump’ on the other person.

Couples in happy and growing marriages have learned to suppress the
‘anger of the moment‘ and know the value of “choosing the right time to talk.”

*Note for New Readers: When using the word “talk” here, I am not referring to common or daily conversation(s) with your spouse. Instead, I am referring to specific times of communication when you need to discuss or handle a topic or subject that is highly emotional or difficult for one or both spouses to work through.

When choosing a time to talk, here are some suggestions that Renee and I have found to work for us:

• Never talk when you are tired.
  This is basic, but very important. When I am tired, I can’t listen as effectively and I’m not as adept at framing my words in the correct way (see Key 2). It never hurts to delay an important conversation until both spouses have had adequate time for rest.
• Never talk right before Bed.
  While this suggestion sounds similar to the one above, it isn’t. As a general rule, bedtime is not a good time for important conversation. Yawning while your spouse is talking can be dangerous! We have found that morning is a great time for us and that when we are fully rested from a nights sleep, our whole outlook on life seems improved. It is easy for intense discussion at bedtime to leave your mind racing, making it more difficult to sleep and easier to worry.
• Never talk in front of others.
  Many struggling couples make this mistake. Your discussions should take place at a time where you can both find privacy and not feel intimidated by the presence of family members or friends. If you feel the need for someone to assist you in your discussion, seek out the help of a Pastor or other trained counselor. They will keep the conversation private and can help you to stay focused and ‘on-topic’. We know of many friendships that have been ruined when a couple had a serious discussion in front of a mutual friend who seemed to support one spouse against the other.
• Never talk when you have an appointment or pending engagement.
  Always give yourself plenty of time to talk. What you thought might take one half hour can easily turn into a two or three hour conversation. If you have something to do at a certain time, you might have to stop the conversation before you are really finished – and you’ll find it hard to start up again later. It can be aggravating and a detriment to effective conversation if you are constantly looking at your watch or the clock while your spouse is talking.
• Finally, establish a pre-arranged signal that both of you can use to let the other know when you are not ready emotionally to talk.
  It is vital that both spouses are ready when you sit down to talk. If your spouse has a bad day at work or is not feeling well, then she/he can use this signal to let you know: that they understand that you need to talk; that what you have to say is important; and that they promise to sit down in the near future and discuss it with you.
  Just recently Renee and I needed to discuss an important matter that we were facing. Renee brought up the issue, but I was not in an emotional state to handle the discussion very well at that point and time. Because we trust each other, and know how to ’signal’ when we need to wait, we were able to postpone it until the next day when we were both ready, and we came to a resolution quickly and easily.
  Just make sure that if you ask your spouse to ‘postpone’ a discussion, that you make time for it as soon as possible. It is important not to use this signal as a way to just keep putting off a conversation.

Well, we are halfway through the 6 Keys to Great Marriage Communication. We have learned to Hold Hands when we want to discuss an important subject. We learned that to “Think Before We Speak” will allow us to talk about even difficult issues without hurting our spouse. And today we have learned that it is important to “Choose The Right Time” to have these discussions.

Have you been practicing? It is much easier than arguing. Practice does make perfect in communication!

Write to Renee and I and let us know how its going.!

These ‘6 Keys for Great Marriage Communication’ are condensed from a chapter of our forthcoming book: MARRIED … AND ENJOYING IT! (30 Years of Marriage Enrichment Secrets)

If you would like to be one of the first to be notified when the book is released, just CLICK HERE

If we can be of any help to you, please let us know. We are available to answer your marriage questions and would love to hear your thoughts. Post a comment below and lets discuss this important key to Effective Marriage Communication.

Read Key 4 – Learn To Listen
Read Key 2 – Think Before You Speak

For better marriages!

Chuck

“I hate it when YOU do that!” With those words, the argument began. Other poorly chosen words flew from your mouth and before you knew it, the couch became your bed for the night.

Key 2 – Think Before You Speak

Your were sorry. You wish you hadn’t become so angry. You needed so badly to talk about what was really bothering you, but just didn’t know how to begin …

And therein rests the problem. You love your spouse. You don’t want to argue. You just want to be happy!

Most couples are never taught how to express deep emotional needs in non-threatening ways. When first married they believed they would never argue because their spouse was the ‘perfect mate.’ Then time worked its inevitable magic and they began to see the ‘real person’ behind that mask they called their spouse. Kids arrived. Work added pressure. Finances tightened. Both husband and wife wanted to share their feelings – wanted to express their worries – wanted to support each other.

You need so badly to talk about what is really bothering you …
you just don’t know how to begin.

When the conversation began, “I’m worried about how to pay the bills.” sounded like, “Why can’t you make more money?” And, “I really need to talk to you.” sounded more like, “We don’t ever talk anymore!”

The problem is that we express our feelings without thinking about the best way to form the words. Our spouse hears the words (often filtered through guilt mixed with stress and worries of their own) and responds in kind. Tempers flair. Constructive communication quickly deteriorates into defensive posturing. When the words finally stop, the tears flow or the door slams, and the marriage relationship slides closer to a dangerous precipice.

THIS DOES NOT HAVE TO HAPPEN!

By using the first key (see “Holding Hands, Key 1″) and learning to “think before you speak” (Key 2) you can be well on your way to great marriage communication.

Here’s how:

• Use “I” language instead of “You” language.
  Instead of saying, “You never listen to me!” try something like, “Sometimes when we talk, I don’t feel like you understand what I am saying.” This simple selection of words allows your spouse to “hear” you, without feeling challenged and becoming defensive. She/He really does want to listen to you. She/He really does want to understand your feelings. By changing just a few words in your sentence, you effectively express your point of view without it sounding like an ‘attack’.
• Speak slowly.
  Don’t be afraid of silence or a lull in the conversation. These moments give you time to think and process what you will say next. Your spouse will realize that you are not on the offense, because you are carefully trying to choose your words so they won’t sting. You might even want to say, “I’m thinking of the right way to say this.”
• Smile (or at least don’t frown ).
  Your body language and facial expressions are speaking volumes. Make sure that your words are saying the same thing.
• Listen to your spouse’s hands and eyes.
  (You are holding hands aren’t you?) If your spouse pulls away or avoids looking at you, asume that communication has stopped and draw her/him back into the discussion. You can ask a question such as, “Did I say something that hurt you?” or “What are you feeling right now?” in order to help them ‘tune back in’.
• Don’t get angry.
  You can express your emotions without destroying communication. Consciously control your tone of voice. It is actually easier to say, “I was hurt by those words.” than it is to raise your voice and say something hurtful back, without thinking first.
• Don’t be afraid to shed a few tears,
  or to let your spouse do so. This can be a healthy ventilation of pent-up emotion, and another expression of your willingness to listen. If you are not sure why your spouse has a few tears welling up – ASK! It will help you to understand exactly what they are feeling at the moment. It might be an emotion that you were not even aware of. Many times during the past thirty years, Renee or I have said, “I see a few tears, what are you feeling right now. Help me to understand.“

Are you willing to try it out? It is much easier than arguing. You might even find out that you like it. Soon you will find that you are both happier and you will learn things about each other that you never knew. So pick a topic – something light to start out – and practice Keys 1 & 2 – do it soon!

Oh, and let us know how it goes!

These ‘6 Keys for Great Marriage Communication’ are condensed from a chapter of our forthcoming book: MARRIED … AND ENJOYING IT! (30 Years of Marriage Enrichment Secrets)

If you would like to be one of the first to be notified when the book is released, just CLICK HERE

If we can be of any help to you, please let us know. We are available to answer your marriage questions and would love to hear your thoughts. Post a comment below and lets discuss this important key to Effective Marriage Communication.

Read Key 3 – Choose The Right Time
Read Key 1 – Key 1, Holding Hands

For better marriages!

Chuck

“When you hold hands, you can’t hit each other!” That is what one young husband said to me during counseling. Maybe it would have been a good title for Key #1 in this series.

Key 1 – Hold Hands

Think about it for just a moment. What does a simple thing like the physical touch of another person’s hand signify? In many cultures, we seal or approve contractual relationships with a handshake. It is a way of saying, “We are in agreement.” Many marriage ceremonies include some type of a hand-holding ritual. It is a way for the couple to express their ‘uniting’ or becoming one.

When Renee and I need to have an important discussion, we begin by sitting down facing each other and then reaching out to hold hands as we talk. Now I know that you might be reading this, and are ready to ‘click away’ – thinking that this is just silly or overly simplified. Its not!

There are specific reasons for including holding hands
as a tool in your chest of effective marital communication techniques.

Renee and I use this key in our own marriage. We have taught numerous couples to use it over the years. It works. When you communicate with your spouse about a sensitive or emotional subject, it is easy to ‘withdraw’ from each other when the ‘talking gets tough.’ You might still be in the same room, but you become miles apart emotionally when something hurtful or embarrassing is said. Holding hands during the discussion will allow you to sense when this happens. Maybe your spouse is becoming angry, or ready to retreat. Holding hands allows you to be more sensitive to the discreet signals that arise during a conversation when one spouse is uncomfortable.

Each of us has learned to ‘feel’ the other’s non-verbal responses during our discussions and this has opened the door wide for effective communication between us. When one of us feels the other gently pulling away, it signals us to ask, “What are you feeling right now?” or, “Did I say something that hurt you?” This allows us to ‘pull’ each other back into the conversation in a non-threatening way. It also provides a better understanding of what the other is feeling.

It is very difficult to become angry when you are holding hands with your spouse. Try this key. Use it during your next discussion. I believe that as soon as one of you feels angry or hurt, you will want to let go of each others hands. It seems really simple, but it is a technique that will really help you to talk to your spouse.

There are just a few other suggestions to keep in mind while learning to use this key:

• If one of you lets go of the other’s hand, stop to find out why. Don’t allow the conversation to deteriorate when one of you is experiencing an emotional jolt.
• Don’t force the hand holding. If your spouse is not comfortable with it, then try to begin using the technique in short little discussions until you both understand the value of it and are comfortable.
• We have found that sitting at the kitchen table is a great place to do this because we can rest our arms on the table, hold hands, and look at each other while we speak.
• You can use this key at home, or even at a restaurant. We have had some great conversations, even ‘tense’ ones, sitting in a booth at our favorite restaurant after dinner. We are usually relaxed and have found this to be a ‘neutral’ place, away from kids and the phone.

So what are you waiting for? Pick a topic that you and your spouse need or want to discuss, sit down facing each other, join hands, and … TALK!

These ‘6 Keys for Great Marriage Communication’ are condensed from a chapter of our forthcoming book: MARRIED … AND ENJOYING IT! (30 Years of Marriage Enrichment Secrets)

If you would like to be one of the first to be notified when the book is released, just CLICK HERE

If we can be of any help to you, please let us know. We are available to answer your marriage questions and would love to hear your thoughts. Post a comment below and lets discuss this important key to Effective Marriage Communication.

Tomorrow – Key 2, Think Before You Speak

For better marriages!

Chuck