Building a Stronger Marriage.

Husbands Love Bears All Things

2011-09-29T12:58:00.000-07:00

Over the years I have had many people comment on how broad my shoulders are. I simply smile and wait as they unload their emotional burdens on them. As a husband it is our responsibility to shoulder the frustrations, hurts, and emotions that are dragging our wives down. For me though, I have found it easier sometimes to help a total stranger than to listen to my wife and her frustrations from the day.

I Corinthians 13:7,8a “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, Love never ends”.

So here it is. The end of what love is according to Corinthians. The reality is, for us as husbands, is to look at this as a new beginning. Love is something to work on and strive to better offer our wives. Each and every one of our marriages would be stronger and better if we simply embodied our responsibility and obeyed the command to love our wives. This does not mean to be weak or passive, but embody all that it is to be love.

Encourage and hold your wives up and model love for your children. Be strong and lead your household in love and they will gladly submit to your direction. Believe in your wives and trust their decisions. Not everything will work out perfect, but come along side them with hope that the best outcome will occur. When things do fall apart encourage them not to give up. Together things will work out if you strive through them TOGETHER! DON”T GIVE UP!

Husbands - Love Does Not Envy

2011-07-14T15:04:00.000-07:00

Look around, envy seems to be the American way. We look around and want all the things others have. We’re always looking for the next fad item, cool electronics, exciting house, or just trying to outdo our neighbors. How many times have you stepped back and gone, “he is so lucky, I wish…?

Proverbs 14:30 “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.”

We are all so blessed with the things we have. I have heard so many couples that are having problems simply because of being reactionary and throwing out a comparison. Have you ever made the statement “I wish you were more like…? By desiring the attributes of another person’s wife, an imaginary character from the movies or physical characteristics of someone you’ve seen you give opportunity for hurt in your relationship. Don’t let jealousy and hurt divide your relationship. Focus and care for the blessings you have. Not that desiring to achieve more is wrong, but strive for things for yourself, not because someone else has it.

My wife calls it the Green eyed monster. Don’t focus your thoughts and conversation on another woman. Even if you may not mean to you are giving the impression that you find someone else to be more desirable to you than your wife. Jealousy is in some cases justified and either elicits a fight or flight response. Your wife may separate and become distant to protect themselves emotionally or they may fight to keep you even closer. In some cases it may be because they may be reacting to a woman that is predatory looking to break up your marriage.

Are you placing the importance of things ahead of your relationship? Without even thinking about it we can lose sight of what’s important. By focusing on reaching that next rung on the ladder we may work more hours and focus on social settings more than the things to encourage your marriage and family. Make sure goals and dreams are shared and remember to live. Don’t lose sight on the things that are important together.

Enjoy what you have now.

Husbands - Love is Kind

2011-07-12T13:12:00.000-07:00

When we think of love the next word shared to describe love is that it is kind. Webster’s defines kind as having or showing a tender, considerate, and helping nature. So as husbands, we are instructed to love our wives. This in turn means we must be kind to our wives.

Proverbs 11: 17 “A man who is kind benefits himself, but a cruel man hurts himself.”

I know I grew up with a competitive attitude. Whether it was sports, politics, or possessions I was always competing to be the winner. It did not even matter if I cared about what or who I was competing against. Many times I would debate the opposite side simply to be competing so that there was a clear winner and looser even if I didn’t agree with the position I was defending.

How often have we argued with our wives simply to argue? I know the movies imply that arguing is positive, promoting the concept of “make-up sex” or having a barter point for when we want something for ourselves. How many times have we walked away from an argument feeling bad or hurt? In the end nothing positive may come from it at all. Most situations of divorce are simply because of an argument with misunderstandings that never get resolved. How many times were those arguments preventable or not even necessary?

Rather than pushing for an argument that we can win, maybe we might go further in our relationship by being considerate of our wives and their feelings. By being tender, considerate and helping, our relationship is given food to grow. Many studies have shown women are emotional by nature. By feeding their emotions in a positive way we encourage a healthy relationship. Too often we sabotage ourselves by not considering their emotions and reacting to statements without considering the full picture. Our wives may be considering the full impact of a decision and not just the narrow view we are focusing on. Or because of our pride and determination we push to win the argument even though we know we are wrong.

Be slow in decisions and consider all points of view. I know this is very tough for me. I want to make a plan and drive for it without considering the outcome. Many times I make things harder on myself because I fight through my plan until it works or fails miserably, rather than taking the easy way around. Then I have to accept the consequences attached to my decisions.

Being a helper has its own merits. By helping your wife with her burdens, comes great benefit. I know my wife and I both push hard at work as well as at home and anything I can do to take the burden off her makes more time for the two of us together. When I am helpful, I also find our household more at peace when we are running in all the crazy directions we do. Sharing the responsibility of household, children and activities makes it easier to set time aside for each other.

Nurture each other. Practice kindness in your home. Leave competition to when you are playing sports or at work.

Husbands - Love Is Patient

2011-06-15T15:03:00.000-07:00

In this world of instant messaging, instant responses, and instant food, we are losing the skills for patience. I love technology personally. I appreciate the ability to get things done quickly and concisely. When technology fails I am quick to become agitated and reactionary. The poor customer service people must dread my phone call and people like me.

Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it.”

I , like many husbands, want to hurry and get to the point. I become impatient and stop listening five minutes after the conversation begins. If I don’t see a purpose or direction in a conversation I find my mind wanders.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized how important it is to go through the process. Like a fine Italian sauce it has to simmer for hours or even days before all the individual ingredients come together creating an incredible explosion of flavor when properly served. Rush it by cooking it at a higher temperature or shorter time and it will be bitter and acidic.

In the same way our conversation with our wives need time to process. Because they are not wired differently all parts of their mind run simultaneously. Everything is interconnected within their mind in ways we might not understand right away. To require your wife to be direct and concise is requiring her to operate different than how she was designed.
Showing love to our wives means we need to go through the process with them. Follow along as they travel through their thoughts and develop a conclusion or decision. As with the sauce the process is as important as the finished product. When rushed feelings are hurt and relationships can begin to sour. Understanding that we may not be able to follow the whole process we still need to be involved. Stir the conversation and be attentive so that you can gather as much information as possible. There may be several conclusions to several different questions developing at one time. When you have heard all the details you can then take each part separately and logically. Together you can logically process the different issues weighing on her mind and set her at ease.

Husbands do not be in a rush! The obvious answer may not be correct after you have all the details. Organize the information she has offered you. Ask her questions on anything you do not understand. By doing this you will earn the right to offer your opinion. Loving your wife is being patient with her. It may take time. BE PATIENT!!!!

What's In A Name

2011-03-04T12:39:00.000-08:00

The saying a rose by any other name is still a rose can apply to your marriage as well. No matter what name you use when addressing your spouse does not change the fact you are married. You may use cliche nick names like Honey or Sweetheart. You may try to be a little more regal and biblical with beloved. The reality is we all come up with endearments for our spouse.

Psalm 139:14 “ I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well”.

When we take great care in the names we call our spouse the response is positive. By giving an endearment we create a moment of pleasure simply through the use of a word to label an attribute or image we have of our spouse. It may be corny or even embarrassing if use in mixed company, but should be held special as a secret language between the two of you. A way to put meaning and thought to the special person you married however long ago.

With maturity some endearments may need to change as life changes. Others will last the test of time, always an emphasis to the special commitment you have made to each other. Just as with changes in life there are many changes in setting and timing that we all need to be careful of as well. It is not a good time to use a pet name for your husband with a group of his friends or peers. What creates a warm feeling between the two of you now is destroyed by the jabs he will receive from those around. Husbands should be sensitive to this as well. A cute pet name together can be belittling or embarrassing when mentioned in mixed company. Remember that this is a language and a code for just the two of you.

When my wife and I were still in the engagement part of our relationship her grandmother brought up an important point about names. When we get in arguments it is critical we stay with the issue and not call each other negative names. By calling each other names we cause hurt that could become more of an issue than what we disagreed on in the first place. By keeping name calling out of an argument we could quickly get to the bottom of the issue and resolve the problem. No threats of sleeping on the couch or going to bed mad.

Endearments are part of your language in telling your spouse you love them. Sometimes always saying I love you can become superficial and worked where a simple nick name like “beautiful” can say the same thing. My wife and I would play with words many times trying to come up with synonyms that would imply the same thing. Start with a word like wonderful each taking a turn to come up with different ways to empress the same thing until you get stuck. Then choose a different word and do the same thing. Remember at the same time these are words that you would use to describe your spouse. Find words to use instead of your spouse’s proper name to describe what they mean to you. Use this word in a note or letter to each other. Refer to them with it in bed or a time where it is just the two of you. This is the importance of an endearment.

It is saying “I Love You So Much”.

What's Our Role

2011-02-24T11:13:00.000-08:00

So many times I hear the age old saying “who wears that pants in your house”? They imply there is a competition over who is in charge of the household. Let me first say there should never be competition in a household. Husbands and wives have responsibilities within a household. The only way things get done is if we work together as a “TEAM”.

Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Ephesians 5:22 “Wives submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord”.

This is probably one of the most misused portions of scripture in both Christian an non-Christian households. It fascinates me how many times non-Christians that do not grasp the significance of scripture can quote the verses regarding the role of husband and wife.

So let’s take this apart a little bit. First of all I am going to address the husband. Your behavior is key to how a household is to run. We are to follow the example of Christ. We are not to be the authoritarian demanding respect and service from our wives. How did Christ lead the church? Throughout scripture Jesus showed love and compassion even before the church chose to follow him even through His sacrifice on the cross before they understood the significance of his love. I am not say you have to martyr yourself so that your wife understands how much you love them, but I am saying you may need to set your own needs and desires aside for your wife's. Christ gained authority and submission from the church by being an example. By sharing words of encouragement, taking some of the burden from others, relieving suffering, and by giving clear expectations He was able to earn respect and the desire of others to submit to Him. We as husbands have to take the first step by offering love; through encouragement, helping lift some of the burden and communicating clearly any expectations. It is important that we consider our own behavior in our marriage and what example we offer. We must show sincere love and commitment first before we can expect submission from our spouse. Jesus did not leave the church with a huge list of rules to live by. In the same way we should not run our own household burdened by a long set of rules. He instead left us with examples of how we can be successful with life. He did not demand, but simply left the church with a choice. Each day is a new day and with that day come new situations and choices we have to make. In our marriage is the same thing. We offer example and direction with simple rules, but we are not here to force our wives to submit. With time we earn the respect and submission of our wives. In some cases where there is clear communication and time during the dating and engagement phase of a relationship this can be a short process. In other cases where the ground work was not put in place, this may be a long process. But every day will offer new situations and with it decision. It is important not to be condemning when they choose their own path.

Wives, I know this is a sticky point. What does it mean to submit to your own husband? As Christians we desire the direction of Jesus as a starting point in life decisions. Jesus is not there with a big stick to beat us every time we choose to do something contrary to his instruction. That being said any time we choose our own way instead of listening to His direction things are just a bit tougher to get through. Submitting to your husband is simply listening to your husband’s direction and decisions. You may disagree and it is healthy to discuss your thoughts, but ultimately, as long as it does not mean putting yourself in harm’s way, you should respect your husband’s ultimate decision. By showing your husband respect and submitting to their authority there is a lot less conflict in your relationship. Remember in a marriage you are not in competition with each other. You are a team. With being a team someone has to lead and someone has to follow. It has nothing to do with who is stronger, faster, or better. It has to do with defining a chain of command so that life’s challenges can be overcome. If there is a competition over who is in authority then you will both be defeated by all the outside pressures of the world.

Husbands and wives need to understand that the world does not want to see healthy marriages. They work to pervert marriage and tear it apart. A lot of emphasis is put on devaluing marriage. It has even become a political issue where politics should hold no bearing simply because they are focused on it as a contract and not as a commitment. In this day and age there is very little commitment to anything. With our lives in a constant state of preparation for transitions; whether it be location, career, or friends it is hard to understand what commitment truly means. We are taught to look for the loophole in the contract and to defer responsibility. This is not the case with marriage. The minute you make vows to each other you have promised each other and God. Marriage is serious and the roles in marriage are serious. If we can work out the roles and commit our lives to each other, our marriages are the better for it.

Some Things Take TIme

2010-11-09T11:10:00.000-08:00

I have been amazed by the number of emails I have received with different questions about marriage citing specific experiences or troubles they have been going through. My blog is not written date specific, but covering different aspects and experiences of marriage and relationships. Some have already started to go back and look a past notes and asking questions.

Matthew 19:8 "He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so."

I do not want to fill in the next stage to marriage until you have time to review thoughts and concepts I already have covered. I want to give you time to decide how or if they are things you can apply in your own marriage. There is no exact textbook about how to have the perfect marriage, but there are some things that can be similar in all marriage. The Bible gives many steps and practices for us to apply in our own lives. These things are timeless.

I want to encourage you to email me if there are specific things you are struggling with. I would like to address things that could be helpful for your relationship as well as share experiences my wife and I have had together.

Remember: Marriage is Forever! Even if you no longer are with your spouse a piece of you stays with them and a piece of them stays with you. Take the time to know each other before you are married with the commitment to forever. There are going to be tough times and you need to be ready to handle them together or call things off before you make a promise of forever. God mourns every time a couple separate. Be an example for your children, family and others around.

Taking The Journey

2010-09-30T10:48:00.000-07:00

For most of my life I have been target oriented. When I would take off on a road trip I would tell everyone to use the bathroom now, because we are not stopping until I need to fill the gas tank. There would be moans and groans, but everyone would settle in not believing I would make them wait. Five minutes into the trip someone would test my resolve and find out I was serious. Three hundred miles later, tears streaming down their face, they would break for the door as the car barely swings into the station. I had a schedule and was committed to keep it. I didn’t consider anything but the destination or planned stops. Speeding through life and later regretting I didn’t slow down.

Psalms 77:19 “Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen”.

Marriage is about the journey. Too often we lose sight of everything around, because we become focused on the next landmark. First may be getting through the wedding and then staying married through the three, five or seven year itch, depending on who you talk to. We rush our relationship through the next big landmark so we are not caught in the tragedy of statistics. By being worried about reaching the next big date in our relationship we miss out on the amazing moments with our special someone.

It is important that we slow down and experience the journey. No map or schedule is going to get us through each day, because each day holds its own adventure. Relationship is about learning and developing together. Embrace each day as a new opportunity. It’s a time to get to know something else about each other. As a newlywed do not focus on preparing for that time everyone tells you that you are going to run into trouble in your relationship. There is nothing to say when or why you will struggle in your marriage except if you do not work on it every day. When you stop listening and taking time for each other, problems creep in. Depending on how diligent you are, will define when those struggles will occur. By working on your relationship together each day, those times will be nothing more than a transition in maturity, and you will gain new strength from it.

As you are married longer some things may become routine and lost to the mundane. It is important to relate and recognize this change in relationship and find ways to encourage each other. Life is filled with a series of events so it is important to learn new ways of communicating through them. Showing appreciation to each other for maintaining the routine can be even more important than the rewards for exceptional events. Remember to tell each other how much you Love each other and reinforce it with action. By assuming the other knows leaves an opening for small things to become big issues.

Don’t be in a race to reach the next destination, but be compassionate to each other. Stop when you need and check in with each other. Slow down when your spouse voices a need. Enjoy the journey. You will reach your destination, but be a lot healthier for it.

REMEMBER

2010-09-11T08:44:00.000-07:00

It is a bright beautiful morning on the west coast. The sun has risen and everyone is getting ready for school. Preparing for work or school, cartoons playing on the television. Suddenly, that all changed. The shatter of a plate on the ground, still quiet of disbelief, and the air rushed out of our chest. Is this real? Shaken and confused everyone responded in their own way. We saw Americans reach for inhuman bounds for others.

Romans 13:12 “The night is far gone; the day is at hand . So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light.”

So it’s been nine years and I hear a lot of positioning and politics. We are at war in Afganistan and Iraq still. War weary we forget the carnage, the emotion and the resolve to see this through. I hear and see a lot of “we Remember” statements, but when I talk with others many barely remember more than the fringes. So now that your children are grown and time has changed how do you talk about it now.
Be honest! What did you feel, what did you do, how did you respond? My wife and I have made it a point to talk about it, not for purpose of fear, but to share the fortitude and commitment that everyone offered each other. We rallied together as Americans. Committed to seeing things through. Now it’s been nine years and we have returned to a mundane routine. Everyone is war weary and no longer have the commitment to see things through. Looking for who’s to blame for the war. We all desired to see those responsible brought to justice. Now we are given “politically correct” statements. Don’t use terrorist, give them rights as citizens, and get out as soon as we can.

My wife and I talked with our kids about all the details and experiences as well as what they remember. It doesn’t feel real anymore. We talk about the changes that have occurred. Security at airports and other facilities have been increased. Life is slower to ensure everyone’s safety. Life is now more complicated. We supported the decision to go to war and protect our way of life. We are still committed to see that decision through.

My wife and I have felt the sorrow of loss, cried for those lost, and remembered a time of fear and insecurity. We believe it is important that our kids understand that insecurity, but not live in fear today. We have decided to raise our children with compassion and love for others. Not telling them to just be walked over, but to care and respect all people. The lesson from September 11th should be the compassion we have showed each other during a time of heart ache and loss as well as a commitment to protect ourselves and our neighbors.

TEACH RESPECT! TEACH DETERMINATION!

When Lightening Strikes

2010-09-02T10:54:00.000-07:00

I love to curl up with my wife and watch a lightening storm role in. The thunder rumbles and shakes the walls and the sky lights up. It is amazing the lightening as it flashes from the sky striking the ground. It transmits energy into the air. The electricity causes the hair to stand up all over my body. My mind draws to the thrill of the storm. I feel exhilarated by the excitement.

Colossians 1:17 “And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together”.

What is it about the newlywed stage of a relationship that catches us all? The newlywed offers unique attributes that are easily observed by everyone around. It is a time of energy, touch, and connection far different than any other stage in life. It is about being together before the dynamics of career and kids shift our priorities.

The greatest observable energy between two people is during the newlywed phase. There is electricity that bonds two people no matter where they are in a room. Even though they are separated by distance they will connect in some way to each other. Their time apart is usually limited. They have an understanding of each other when in a group that they naturally care for each other’s needs. Those around them feel that energy and avoid disrupting that connection.

Contact is very important to a newlywed couple. A newlywed couple will touch each other with small gentle brushes or reaches of security. They embrace each other in a way that does not let others invade their moment. A hair drops in the way of her face and the husband may gently brush it aside. They hold hands as they move through a room. As if glued together they stand hip to hip shoulder to shoulder a bound not easily divided. When in public they can be seen kissing, hugging and touching. They are physically engaged with each other.

The other attribute is the glow that radiates from them. Even tired there is a smile that shows on their whole face. As you watch you may catch a glimpse of the twinkle in their eye or a flush of innocent embarrassment when they realize they are being watched. Happiness is the one emotion that consumes them. Some may even comment on how they glow. Different than at the wedding, but still a shine that depicts the emotions they have inside.

So with all the outward expression for everyone to see, what is going on inside? Just as the eyes are a window to the heart their joy is bubbling. There are moments where they have to work through changes, but exhilaration helps to overcome initial difficulties. Newlywed couples are accommodating to each other, passionate and emotional, engaging and consumed about each other’s convictions, willing to compromise, desiring to please.

Being a newlywed is a special time of marriage. The interaction between two people in love does not need to end because everyone says it is time. Being a newlywed is a unique time. Treasure it! Remember, just because you are married for two, five, seven or even thirty years does not mean certain attributes of being newlyweds has to be lost. Connection and commitment to each other as a newlywed can continue through your entire marriage with communication and adoration for each other. Maturity will change reactions and order of importance, but it does not mean the dreamy euphoria of being a newlywed needs to be lost. The magnetic connection that keeps you linked even when you are apart. Protect your relationship with each other. If you have not been feeling that special something in your relationship for some time, maybe it’s time you let lightening strike again in your life.

Vacation

2010-07-14T17:06:00.000-07:00

Second Honeymoon

My parents took our kids for the last few weeks, since summer vacation started. This is the first time in quite a while we have been without kids for several weeks. It has been a great time to get to know each other and explore new desires and dreams. We both feel it was a second honeymoon even though we stayed at home. I will be back writing on the series next week. For all who are following have a great vacation as well. Renew, relive, and find new. Life changes so change together!

It’s a Newlywed Thing

2010-06-04T07:37:00.000-07:00

It is funny how people make assumptions before they know the facts. We have been invited to be part of different married groups. The groups start out with introductions. Usually, someone from the group will thank us for being there and make some comment about how nice it is to have a newlywed couple join them. It always gives us a great chuckle when we see their face after we tell them we have been married 20 plus years. What is it that makes people think we are newlyweds?

Ezekiel 16:13 “Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen and silk and embroidered cloth. You ate fine flour and honey and oil. You grew exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty…for it was perfect through the splendor that I had bestowed on you, declares the Lord God”.

It is your wedding day and you are king and queen for a moment. Standing in front of friends and family you share your vows. More importantly, you shine standing in front. Not because of bright lights or special effects, but with the love that you have for each other. When I think about what a newly married couple is, I think about the glow that they share. Perfect love. Maybe even a glimpse at what God has for us all. Because God is love. I have this picture of the wedding, where the couple is united with a glowing ring around them as God gives His Blessing. It is that moment when everyone can see a glimpse of God.

Whether you are newly married or married for years, that love can always shine through. So what is a newlywed? A couple that has dedicated their life to one another. Young love? A new union where they are now finding their way together? A team with fresh players?

Newlywed is a stage of joy and happiness that is obvious to those around. From the wedding to the honeymoon everyone sees the smiles, hears the laughter, and admires the joy a new couple offers. Newly married couples tend to touch and look at each other a lot also. They exhibit emotion, motion, and words. There is something about being around a new couple that is almost contagious. We all like to be around happy people. New couples are the happiest people to be around.

Being newly married is a time of new fresh beginnings. What were two separate individuals are now a couple. This is the first time you have to work together. Sorting out plans for chores, sharing spaces, learning to live and work together. Change is sometimes tough, but during this time there are hormones to help you. You overlook some little details and are tolerant of each other. This is the time you may forget to talk about things. The skills to communicate are not developed yet, so they choose to ignore some things.

Being a newlywed is a time of happiness, freshness, Joy and love. Just because you have been married for years does not mean you can’t have attributes of a newlywed. Let your love for one another shine through. Keeping your marriage fresh and your commitment strong will give others the impression that you are a newlywed couple also.

Wisdom Comes From Hearing And Observing (Engagement Part 3)

2010-06-02T05:13:00.000-07:00

Life has its little ways of reminding you how your choices and actions can be emulated by others watching. For example, a child observing his parents habits or methods of doing things will try to copy them. A son will hammer on a board next to his father’s project, respectfully he will look up, smile at his mentor and return diligently to his task. As the child grows observation becomes guided instruction from the father, given encouragement and wisdom on how to perform the tasks. Finally, he grows to be a man no longer the student, but the teacher for his own children.

Proverbs 19: 20 “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future”.

When it comes to the topic of marriage you will find thousands of how-to books but truth be told “The Encyclopedia of the Perfect Marriage” does not exist. The engagement phase of your pre-marriage relationship is your time to explore the resources and concepts that go into creating the working and loving union of marriage. Though the base elements of a marriage union are similar, such as the need for intimacy, companionship, food, shelter, and such, each relationship is uniquely its own.

Because everyone is unique there needs to be a process that helps a couple get started. You grow up observing your parents and the way they do things. You may have even taken notice of the relationships of close friends and other extended family. How their households functioned may or may not have been similar to yours. Depending on your family you may have even been witness to the dinner table or beauty shop discussions of these differences. The question now is how does it all relate to you and how do you make sense of it as you prepare to be married yourself.

First I would suggest talking to your parents or the person who raised you. If your parents or even grandparents are still married, ask them for some secrets. Make notes, and trust me you will end up referring to them. Give them what if questions, and ask them ways of working through different situations. My wife likes to tell the story of one such talk with her mother.

Mom told her that one day she would wake up, look at “Me” the man next to her in bed and think, “why did I marry him, I don’t even like him right now.” At the time she ardently said she would never think that! Yet to both our surprise, during a difficult season in our marriage we both had to admit, “Mom was right!” I don’t know what was worse, the moment or the fact that we had to admit she was right! The cool thing was, Mom also gave us the tools on how to work through this moment in our relationship. She reminded us to think about what we liked about each other and what drew us together in the first place. From there, we had to identify what was really frustrating us and together work through it. Sometimes friendship is the most important part of your marriage.

If your parents relationship ended in a separation see if they are willing to openly talk about it with you. Ask the questions you have wondered and be genuinely open to the answers. Be sensitive and non judgmental. If there is an openness between you, discuss your perceptions as a child. Exploring these memories and emotions will help you realize your fears and gain insights and wisdoms. Where possible, remember that it takes two people to make a baby. Both view-points will be different yet valuable.

For those who grew up in a less than ideal home environment, such as an abusive relationship. I encourage you to take this time to seek some specialized counseling. You have an opportunity to stop a cycle, but you are going to need to learn different ways to handle conflict. Honestly consider your home exposures. Discuss them together and do not be afraid to seek good council to deal with the dark skeletons that may be lurking in your past. Strong marriage relationships need to be open and honest.

For the rest that grew up in a somewhat regular family you need to talk to you parents as well. It isn’t the obvious things you need to know, but the special moments between your parents when they were alone. What unique things did they do to keep their marriage healthy and together? As with anything involving people and personalities there are things they had to do to learn to work together and be sensitive to each other’s needs. Your greatest source of knowledge will come from your parents.

So now you have this little bit of knowledge, what do you do with it now? Most pastors suggest some sort of premarital counseling before the wedding. This is a great way to get started. Do not feel like there is something wrong with you. This is a time to gain tools to build your marriage on. The more time you invest preparing for marriage, the better you will do after you are married.

As with my wife and I, we were blessed with the guidance of the pastor of the church she had grown up in. During our pre-marital counseling our pastor utilized a survey full of questions. Each of us was tasked with completing the survey and then on the following session we discussed our answers. We learned a lot about each other during this time and how we viewed different subjects and issues. Our pastor simply guided our conversation and offered more points of discussion. By talking about everything from children to sex with someone we trusted, made it easier to talk things through. After counseling we were able to understand each other a little better and felt confident when we did stand in front of everyone on our wedding day. It is important whoever the counselor is, that you trust them. It is a safe place to talk about anything, but know it will not be shared beyond the three of you.

During your engagement there is a lot of obvious details you will both have to take care of, but it is also important to take care of each other. You will be inclined to push hard and try to handle everything, but if something needs to be handed off or you need rest take that time as well. You need to be honest with each other from the start. Premarital counseling is a good way to facilitate that communication. If for some reason you realize you are not compatible, do not be embarrassed to call it off. Marriage is not supposed to be a miserable time together. Spend the time and effort preparing so that you can have a healthy and happy relationship together.

Relationships Stage 2 Part 2 ( Engagement)

2010-05-28T05:04:00.000-07:00

I love sitting on the beach, looking out at the movement of the sea. The beauty and power of the waves exhilarate me as they rush towards the shore. Starting out as a small bump it gains power. As it contacts the ocean floor it increases in size. Finally, it changes shape and shows its power. Quickly, it goes from the ripple that passes under to an incredible force. I am simply amazed by the power of a wave.

Luke 2:19 “But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart”.

Now that you have asked the question you have entered a whole new realm in your relationship. There are several traditions and activities that surround this time, but most important it is a time of preparation. Engagement is a time of special events and planning. What was a quiet commitment between the both of you is now public. You have announced to the world that you are a couple and have welcomed that same audience to celebrate with you or even critique the possibilities before you.

Parties:
There will be parties to celebrate the upcoming wedding, but also a time to gather friends and family around. They will shower you with fun and playful banter, but also ask the questions you need to think through. Friends will share embarrassing moments both from your life and theirs. A new bond is forming and deeper character is being exposed.

Questions:
This is an opportunity for you to ask specific questions regarding marriage. Look at your families and analyze what their marriages are like. What elements do you want in your marriage and what things do you want to do differently? You may even discuss why your parents did or didn’t do certain thing. It is possible they wanted the same things, but it was not possible because of circumstances and situations. Consider events, emotions and choices your parents made. You may be faced with many similar choices in your life.

Do not be surprised by the millions of questions you will be asked. Like a celebrity before a camera, many will want to know, no topic is sacred, and the settings are unpredictable. Ponder every question and answer truthful from your heart. This is not a time to offer a quick answer. Those around care about you and desire you to make the best choices possible for your life. Some questions do not require an answer, but simply offer something to think about. Be willing, not agitated.

Birth Control:
Make sure you have discussed birth control, as well as children. Have a plan. Consider on occasion they do not work. If you are planning on using something like the pill remember it takes some time for it to metabolize in your system to do the job. Consult wise council on this topic at least ninety days before your wedding day. Discuss alternatives, both types and applications. (Note: ooh gross is a normal response to some options.)

Emotions:
Consider the emotions you will be feeling. You need to get a handle on yourselves. As you begin to move to the next stage of your relationship you feel even more exhilarated. If you don’t keep your hormones in check they will run away with you. Those same hormones will make your wedding day the best day possible if you wait. Your emotions are flying high during this time in your life so you will discover a newer intensity in your senses. Your reactions will be more magnified in a way you have never felt before. You have found a new sense of happiness when you are together and longing when you are apart. Understand your feelings. Talk to your parents about their experiences or a trusted friend. You are going to be sensitive and you need someone to help keep you balanced. You may also need or want some more accountability, hormones are a powerful thing, it is okay to have reinforcements to help you keep them under control.

Just like the wave, the energy and speed of events and emotions will move faster and faster as you get closer to your wedding. Doubts may also materialize at this time. Explore those thoughts too. If during you engagement you or your future spouse struggle with infidelity you need to slow down and take a reality check. Marriage does not fix problems. Nor will it stop abuse, only magnify it. Lust and conquest are not love. Self confidence is not gained by uniting with another. A marriage relationship is a special union of intimacy and friendship, strengthened and intensified by love and faith. Your engagement time is that final opportunity to check and double check your commitment. The unique pressures will expose the flaws or the beauty. Infidelity and abuse are not going to get better after you are married. You cannot change the other person to suit you. Most likely you will compromise to suit them after you are married. This is the time to figure things out before the marriage commitment. Embrace your engagement, enjoy it, learn from it, and utilize the moments to their fullest.

Relationships Stage 2, Part 1(Engagement)

2010-05-26T06:31:00.000-07:00

You walk into a jewelry store and mention you are looking at engagement rings. In an instant all the sales staff converges on you wanting to share their knowledge of diamonds. Your head is filled with information on cut, clarity and color. You feel weak in the knees as they ramble about price and financing. Finally, you run out overwhelmed at all that goes into the choice of a simple ring. How much harder is it going to be once you are married? The pit of your stomach churns in the anxiety of whether you are making the right decision or not. How do you know what’s right?

Matthew 19:4,5 “He answered, Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”?

You swoon at the thought of THE question and anticipate the date. If you are the man you brain storm ideas, what is the right way to propose? As the woman you imagine the moment, a soft smile upon your lips and explore the ideas of the perfect proposal with friends. All you want is to know that you are both feeling and thinking the same way.

After you get your legs under you and have decided on a ring, it is time to finalize the commitment. For some that may mean going to her father for permission. Not a bad idea to be on the good side of her father and mother. Once you have their blessing, what is going to be the best way to ask? Mom and Dad may have some ideas on this topic also. You can also include them in the process to allow more creativity or adventure. Then there is always the issue of the parents that are not so “excited” about the concept. Like in a medieval sword fight, the heaviest emotional blow can come from the doubting words of a parent, sometimes your own. Or you may be met with the test of wills and the devil’s advocate approach. If you truly love the women you are inquiring about, these moments will not daunt you. Consider them your first micro lesson on marriage, ponder all the comments, the result will be a slightly stronger foundation for your relationship. Remember, parents love their children deeply.

Now on the other hand, there is a school of thought that says, “Why does it matter what the parents think?” True it is your life, but remember, they are going to become part of your life too or have been part of your life for a very long time and like to be included. If you choose not to be a traditionalist in this area, it is okay but do not be surprised if the topic is brought up over and over again through the course of your relationship. We call this “being historical” and this particular element of the young relationship is one parents seem to remember. The story of the engagement and all the events will live and be told a long time. If you doubt this concept, consider the tales of Robin Hood. What do you hear about most? His deeds or his relationship…

I have heard many different amazing proposals. Don’t feel pressure from any of them. You need to make it special to the two of you.

Mini Series Stage One (dating) Part Two

2010-05-24T09:42:00.000-07:00

Consider how a pressure cooker works. To start you throw into your pot: veggies, meat, seasonings and water. You lock down the lid and set the top-not on the top. You turn on the fire under the pot to heat up the contents. For a while it seems like nothing is happening. Then you see steam begin to escape. What is going on? The pressure is building up inside along with heating the contents. Soon the top-not is screaming around in a circle with the release of steam. When it’s done you turn off the heat and wait for the steam to finish escaping. When it stops you open the lid and find the delicious contents inside.

Proverbs 27:2 “Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips”.

So what is dating for anyway? Is it a time for conquest leading to sex? If you ask most teenagers or young college that is their answer. The only reason they put out any effort is that final reward. If this is what they think, maybe first we need to ask who has been their teacher? Is it television and movies? Have they relied on their friends? As parents what have we modeled or told them? Sometimes those cool stories of days past can result in conflicting information.

Dating is a time for conversation. This is not a time to brag about all your accomplishments, but share things with each other. A good start may be something as simple as talking about what you read or watch on television. This may lead to conversation on your likes and dislikes. Do you both have similar interests? As you get to know each other talk more about things that worry you or what you dream of. One of the most complicated topics to explore are the what if’s. It may involve your relationship together, career promotion or loss, injury, and death. Quite simply dating conversation is anything you can read about, watch on television, what if about, worry about, or dream about. ALL topics are fair game.

Dating is an opportunity to play together. Not like play dates as children, but adult adventures. It may be as simple as a dinner and a movie or as exotic as a mountain climbing trip. This is an opportunity to share activities you like with another person. If this is the person you marry, are they going to support the activities you like when you are not working? Realize it does not mean they have to like everything you do, but can they support the time, money and other friends that are involved in that activity. What types of food do you each enjoy? This may be a chance to try something different, something you would have never considered before. Just a thought: sometimes exotic food can seem cool, but it may be extremely expensive and not satisfying. Be prepared just in case you need to stop off somewhere else for dessert. Don’t be upset if you or your companion doesn’t like something the other person does. It is our differences that make us special, and the goal of dating is to discover all these special nuances.

Dating prepares you for the family. Realize that if you marry that other person you are now related to a whole host of other people. Take the time to learn about each other’s families. Discuss traditions and upbringing. Is this a family you can get along with? Can you support their traditions and expectations or will you expect the other person to change? If you expect them to change you will need to discuss it before you meet their family.

Just like that boiling pressure cooker there is a lot involved in dating. You slowly turn on the heat and with it your relationship slowly blends. With heat and pressure the flavors slowly mix together. After you remove the pot from the heat, you can taste the blended result. Do the flavors you added work together? In other words when you have talked through what makes each of you unique, are you a good fit? Do you have heat? If the answer is yes, then you can work on sharing that meal with the others that are important to you. Let your families meet and learn about the things that make the two of you a special couple. Without pressure and heat the pressure cooker won’t work right. If you try to short cut the process such as jumping straight to sex and physical gratification it takes something away from the relationship. Dating or the processes associated with dating are very important to the overall recipe of the relationship. Remember, you are ultimately dating to find your mate!

Stages of Relationship Mini-Series Introduction

2010-05-22T18:33:00.000-07:00

Living life is far more exciting than any movie you can see on the big screen. Take a step back and look at your life. What is it that marks events in your mind? Understand that memories are associated with emotions. Those deep seated reflections or moments with grandma as a kid or the day you made the winning play in high school. They are all connected to an emotion. Understand, not all memories are pleasant, just as emotions are not limited to one response. Parents, pastors and friends try to offer advice based on how we have handled events in the past. By listening to them we gain wisdom that prepare us for the future.

Proverbs 22:17, 18 “Incline your ear, and hear the words of the wise, and apply your heart to my knowledge, for it will be pleasant if you keep them within you, if all of them are ready on your lips”.

Marriage is so much more than meeting, living and dying. The unique complexities to the marriage relationship have enabled a whole commercial industry to be built around the subject. Just like the reality sex sells. Much of our retail and service market money is tied to marriage and family. Take for instance the societal traditions and expectations around the wedding alone. The wedding dress market makes millions every year. Even when the economy is down people are falling in love and getting married. There are locations set aside and landscaped just to offer the right setting for the fairy tale wedding, at a price. That happy marriage is expected to run into hard times so there are counselors attaching family to the front of their title to attract couples to them. Marketing professionals spend a large portion of their time designing advertising around family. The auto industry shows the family car with five star safety rating or the resort with great family vacation packages. Communities use slogans like “great family community”, spotlighting features like walking trails, parks, and activities. And let’s not forget books, magazines, and yes even tabloids all capitalize on the topic of relationships and marriage.

Rather than falling into the pitfall of chasing the next fad or scrambling to have the perfect fairy tale, I would suggest understanding the stages of marriage and how to navigate them yourself. Create a tool box just for your marriage. Remember every marriage is unique. Not everyone is exactly the same, but there are landmarks that are similar and with the right tools and processes the changing landscapes of your relationship can be successfully navigated. Just like when you are building something, you must have the plan, the parts, and the tools to put it together. Marriage is very similar to that building. By being prepared and filling your toolbox with the right tools you do not have to become another statistic.

Society likes to place a number on life’s failures. They put others down in order to build themselves up or maybe to make more money selling the next cure-all. Rather than measuring your relationship on the failures, understand it is a process. Over the next several weeks I will describe the stages of marriage in more detail. Exploring dating, engagement, being newlywed, sex, children, careers, loss, transition, retirement, health (or lack there of), and even death and some ideas how to navigate through them. Life is more than living and dying. You need contact with others and to feel value. You must feel and experience. In order to feel value you need to learn how to value others. So in summary, people are not tools, they are imperfect human beings filled with living emotion. Value your spouse, love them, and bring your tool belt along for the adventure.

Stages of Relationship – Part 1

2010-05-20T11:54:00.000-07:00

Meeting is the first significant event of any relationship. If you are engaged or married there was a date and time significant to the start of your relationship. What was it that brought two people together? Was your relationship started at work, church, gym or another location? Was it a random start or planned? Planned could have been things like friends arranging blind dates, online source, or an arranged marriage. Was your relationship together more logical or romantic? It is important to understand what type of relationship you started with together?

Ephesians 5:17 “Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is”.

If your marriage was logical or arranged you may have had to learn about each other as you began your life together. The most common first stage of any relationship is dating. A relationship is more than mechanical dates and operations. What is it that attracted you to each other? From that first meeting there was something that carried you to the second date. What was it? Was it their physical looks, the way they sounded, or how you felt when you were around them? Think about the sensations?

When love is involved all senses are heightened. For example: Food. The meal you enjoy together and the food itself takes on the flavor of that love. The flavor takes on your desire of how the food should taste. It may even take on the emotion of that time. Just like when you go through a bad experience the food you remember often was the worst you ever tasted.

When you are first dating you desire time to slow down. What now frustrates you as bad service…was uninterrupted conversation between the two of you, then. You may have chosen a location that added to the excitement.

When you were younger did you live partially for the adventure? The adventure may have heightened the senses making it an even more intense special time. For the man, it was an opportunity to be the protector in a controlled situation. When it goes well, it builds up his ego. For the woman, it was a time to be valued like a jewel or other treasure. You were brought to the point of exhilaration and then back to a place of safety. It met an emotional need inside.

So what is it about the first stage of a relationship? How do we really reclaim what we believe is lost later in life? First of all talk about it. Mentally explore the feelings, expressions and things that attracted you to each other. Think about the sensations and emotions. Be honest with each other. This is a time you can laugh about the goofy things you did, trying to look cool or in control. Realize it was a different time in your life. You can’t necessarily re-live the details of that time, but you can experience the emotions that made that time significant. You may have to let go of expectations and schedules for a little bit. Just like how time just didn’t matter when you were dating. Just because you are married doesn’t mean those feelings and experiences aren’t important.

Children complicate the ability to totally reclaim the experience, but it is important to find the moments for you as a couple. Find time when you can block out the outside world and focus on each other. Preparing a meal together in the kitchen can be a great time to explore such concepts. It may require waiting till children are in bed or out on their own date if they are older. What are the types of things that you liked starting out? Was it food, activity, smells, or something else?

Figure out what you enjoyed together. Is it something you might enjoy now or some part of it? How can you create these experiences in your current situation? Do not expect to recreate the events of the past, but be prepared to make new ones. While kids are at home it can be as simple as planning a desert together or going out to swing on your kids swing when they are in bed. Fix coffee and wrap up in a blanket on the porch. Whatever you do, it needs to envelope you emotionally, just like when you were dating. The conversation about what you like and don’t like may be relevant as well. As you mature, some likes and dislikes will change. You need to talk just like when you started to date. Be free to feel the emotion of the moment. Love each other! Be enraptured in the sight and sounds of the moment. And if you have kids, enjoy the “Ooh Gross Mom and Dad” moments when they see you hugging or kissing. Laugh in the moment, it’s good for both you and your children.

The Rest of the Team

2010-05-17T14:07:00.000-07:00

Two teams on the field competing for the right to be called the winner. Teams made up of strong teens all prepared for this one event. It’s the final game of the season. Sweat and mud covers them all from head to toe. Everyone is tired, but motivated to keep going. The ball snaps and lines crash together. Just modern day gladiators pushing to prove their dominance. The quarterback sends the football aloft, floating on a cushion of air down the field. The Spectators wait, holding their breath, as they watch the play unfold. In the end zone one player waits alone as the ball is cradled into his hands. The announcer’s screaming touchdown over the loud speaker. As the players run off the field, the coach calls the receiver over, pats him on the back and gives him a hearty good job.

Proverbs 31: 28, 29 “Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all”.

Just like the game of football, many people are involved in the winning play, but only one or two receive the praise. If anyone had not done their job to the best of their ability, the ending may have been very different. Marriage can be like the game. There are multiple people involved, but often times only one receives the recognition.

When your marriage struggles through hard-times it takes the both of you. Pushing and sacrificing until a goal is reached. There may be times that you both just do what is needed without talking about it. In the end only one person may get the reward. It may mean the promotion at work you have been vying for. It may be a financial success so that you can buy the new boat or motorcycle. It may be a new house or car. How many times as a couple have you pushed together so that the husband can have the pat on the back and the good job? Men seek recognition and an image of accomplishment. This really builds up our egos and helps our fragile self esteem.

The problem is, what about our wives. They have sweated and gotten dirty with us. What have we done to tell them good job as well. What encouragement have they received for their part? I have heard it said their accomplishment and sign of success is their children. Children are an accomplishment, but should not be placed solely on them as their responsibility and sign of their success. Raising children is a responsibility of both parents and in so doing, a sign of both your success. Your wife needs as much support and encouragement for meeting goals and building self esteem as you. If it is education, career, or another goal, you need to work together so both of you succeed. Just as your wife supports rewards of your accomplishments, you need to figure out what she needs as well.

We all need encouragement to build up self esteem. Selfishness just gets in the way of a healthy marriage. Try to look at your life and what you have done for each other. Is it equitable for both of you? What goals are you working on reaching? Is there rewards planed for both of you as well?

Bored with Your Life, Not Your Wife

2010-05-14T11:28:00.000-07:00

How many times have you heard a child come to their parents saying, “I’m Bored”? You look in their room and it’s brimming with toys. They own the newest game system, cell phone, and high tech computer. There is stimulation for their mind, physical body, and optic nerves and yet they are still not satisfied. How on earth can they be bored?

Philippians 2:14,15 “Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God, without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world”.

Bored is a developed misconception. I know many couples that talk about being bored in their relationship. They believe, like that child, they need and deserve something or someone more. Being overindulged as a child only validated this behavior and emotion. So how do we get to this point?

First of all we need to consider the emotion involved. It is not that we have really become bored, but have no other way of describing the emotion we are feeling. Stop for a minute to consider what is going on. Every whim or desire is right in front of us. We know what to expect mechanically. What is it we are looking for? We want connection. For some reason we feel we are not connecting and so we look for a way to stimulate that relationship. Rather than identifying the real problem we find a way to illicit a reaction. Quick solutions never solve the missing need. Just like a child with the room full of toys doesn’t need another toy.

Identify what it is that is missing. What is it about your relationship that has changed or is not satisfying anymore? Some things can be identified and simply resolved. When we are focused on one thing and drive to accomplish it, such as a career, we can let other parts of our life slide. We might have stopped talking, touching, laughing, smiling, or any other of many different behaviors that stimulated our marriage. The need that comes out as bored is simply finding what has been lost in our marriage. We may need to address additional stress or other outside influences.

What was the core of the marriage that brought two people together? Just like when dating before married, there are emotions and behaviors that reinforced the connection. In the case of the child, they were not bored, but needed your attention and interaction. A new game or distraction temporarily relieved the need, but the need was there and still not satisfied. How many marriages break up because they didn’t figure out what they had left out, but still have a great friendship? If they had simply figured out what was missing in the relationship they could still be together, happily married. Not every case will fit this model. Just like not every person is the same. However, if the feeling comes up that you label as boredom, take a step back and figure out what you really need. It is not that you are bored with each other. There is something you both need. It is important to work together to figure it out. Be understanding.

Your marriage is worth the effort.

History and Politics Repeat Themselves

2010-05-13T11:58:00.000-07:00

I am fascinated by the Romans. They rose to power quickly and conquered vast stretches of land around the Mediterranean. With all the power and authority that was given to them they still floundered and fell in the end. A people that started with discipline, status, and respect gave it all up for carnal desires. They ruled and played according to their emotion and sexual desires. In the end disease ravished their people, their military discipline was lost and they fell to all the surrounding countries.

Hebrews 13:4 “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral”.

So what is it about the Roman people? I think it’s because the United States is so similar to their society. Our Governmental stance is permissive of almost all religions. The Romans adopted all the surrounding religions as well. The Romans accepted or even elevated sexually immoral people and actions around the country. The US has followed this model and has even allowed the formation of a special minority group now a political power. The Roman Empire controlled a large portion of the world around them. Many practices are even part of our society today. Just like the Romans we influence a large portion of the world.

In the end the Romans chose the will of a minority group over what was right and crucified Jesus Christ. Blameless and without charge he suffered the most horrific death of the time. It was considered so cruel they passed a law forbidding it from being used on any Roman Citizen. Christians were arrested and tortured for sport in the coliseum. Today in the United States, there are small groups legislatively attacking Christian people. On a stance of equality Christianity is almost silenced by Political Correctness. People are becoming afraid to be identified with the moral conservative Christian.

This is the society we live in now. Marriage is questioned in every form of media. Television, Movies, Radio, and print all show a lifestyle contrary to strong dedicated marriages. That is why it is so important to consider what is occurring in your own marriage. Do not be misled by false concepts. Be careful what influences your decisions in your marriage. Carefully consider all the media around you. What ballot measures are attacking your relationship and commitment? I hope none. If there is something being voted on, does this change what marriage means to you? Yes or No?

For me this doesn’t change a thing. I am not confused in my stance or commitment to my wife. My marriage is precious and I will not allow anything to harm the relationship I have with my wife. As for those that choose to defile marriage, it is not for me to worry about. My commitment is more than words said at a ceremony or a piece of paper from the government. Marriage is a commitment between a man and a woman promised to God and blessed by God. Keeping marriage pure does not mean all other problems will go away, but does give a foundation to protect it from harm. No one can ruin what my wife and I mean to each other, if we do not let them. Politics does not belong in marriage. Keep that sacred for the two of you and the God you believe in. Stand with your friends, and encourage them to make the same commitment.

Avoidence is Going Nowhere

2010-05-11T15:30:00.000-07:00

My son has a battery powered car that steers and adjusts all by itself. It zooms across the room until it runs into something. When it encounters something in its way it backs up, turns and goes another direction. It begins to do tighter and tighter circles as it tries to avoid the things put in its way, not really getting anywhere.

Proverbs 12:25 “Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad”.

We can be caught going in circles just like the car. Spinning and adjusting never really getting anywhere. A relationship that avoids conflict and hard decisions never truly grows. What are the words that might be used for avoiding conflict or even decisions? How many times have you thrown out words like whatever or maybe? Rather than giving a definite answer you preface your answers with “if I can” or “I’ll try”? If the request is a little more direct do you give yourself wiggle room with “we’ll see” or “I guess so”? Do you preface every comment with a “but” or other exception?

By running in verbal circles we manipulate our spouses into a position of frustration. They verbally spar with us until they just can’t take it anymore and give up. Feeling victorious we walk away. Then we realize the hurt we have caused. Something that could be simply resolved with a calm conversation ends up open ended. How many times has an argument ensued out of frustration? We never discuss the real issue because we are caught in the circle seeking our own selfish desires.

What do we really gain by running these circles? I have seen marriages where husbands and wives no longer talk to each other. Neither of them is happy, but because they don’t feel that there is anything to be accomplished talking they just stop. This marriage is nothing more than an immature shell. They stay together out of principle or responsibility. I have watched couples that can no longer calmly talk to each other. Every discussion is loud and heated. These couples share with friends, pastors and counselors how unhappy they are. They are focused on the things they have lost or believe they are sacrificing for the marriage. They are so focused on themselves and how miserable they are that they miss the fact; they are causing their own misery. There are those marriages that operate in a state of servitude thinking they are meeting the needs of their spouse, never voicing their own feelings. The spouse is frustrated because they can’t offer what they don’t know. The list of dysfunctional couples behaviors can go on and on, but the fact of the matter is they all need one simple thing. Clear communication!

So why do we get trapped in the circle of avoidance? It may be something simple as embarrassment. It can be physical or emotional problems or limitations, so we feel we can not accomplish something so rather than discussing it, we throw up distractions. We may be financially strapped, so we discourage even the dream to relieve the pressure or stress of the situation. There is also the possibility that the verbal sparring is hiding significant issues. Work frustration, loss of job or other emotional crisis may create a situation that you feel you need to hide. Honesty is critical in a marriage to adjust and deal with any problem that arises. Avoid using distractions or phrases to manipulate the moment. It is important you work together to find solutions to meet the needs and desires of each other. By discussing feelings, circumstances, and desires you both have the ability to be proactive in finding solutions.

Mixed up or Blended

2010-05-10T09:50:00.000-07:00

As the weather starts to shift and get warmer we start preparing for the summer. We plan vacations, camps for the kids, and anything else to fill the free time while it is warm. We pull out boats, wetsuits and life jackets from storage. Shop for new outfits and replace warn out clothing. We get all ready and the weather shifts to rain. What now?

I Corinthians 7:14 “For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace”.

Marriage is confusing enough if you really think about it. Two people are moving in together, married and now they have to learn how to care for each other. They need to find balance in both physical and emotional needs. They need to learn truly about each other. Then when they have it all figured out they mature a little more, get more education and everything changes again.

So considering this religion and beliefs can offer another challenge for a relationship. For example in the simple case, Christianity has many different denominations with different ways to worship. As you are dating it is a good time to explore each other’s beliefs so you can figure out if you can blend those beliefs together. Not making up your own religion, but abiding according to the rules and scripture you follow. Denominational rules are something you will have to decide on together. If you both have different beliefs all together there is even more conflict you will have to discuss. Do not try to sell yourself if you marry them they will change for you. If they are not willing to change before you are married they most likely not change after. Expectations of parents in this area, can also put additional strain on a relationship.

Be aware of the compromises you are willing to give in to. Is this changing who you are as a person and believer? What belief are you going to share with your children? The most confused are the ones trying to live in a mixture of both worlds suggesting tolerance of all religions. Religions of all types train up their people with conviction. No matter what the base there is an urgency to share your belief to offer a path for eternal happiness. In Christianity we believe strongly we serve the one and only living God. Through belief in Jesus Christ, not works, we are given the gift of eternal life. What is the basis of your belief?

Culture is another area that you are going to have to work out. Being we live in America we are exposed to many different cultures. When we are dating we may not consider cultural differences or expectations that may be placed on a marriage. In many ethnic cultures not only do you marry that other individual, but you accept responsibility for their family as well. Be sure you get along with the family and understand the social responsibilities you may be expected to maintain. There may be household expectations that you have not been exposed to growing up in a different type of household.

One example is what My wife calls the 1950’s housewife. She cooks, cleans, cares for the children and takes care of husband’s needs while he goes to work to provide for family. The modern twist to this is the same spouse is now sometimes expected to/or must work outside the home as well. Watch how the women behave in your spouse’s family. You will most likely be expected to function in a similar fashion. Are you prepared to live this way or do you desire a different lifestyle? Discuss who is the primary income earner or is it shared? Who is expected to manage the household? Or is it shared? You really need to talk these concepts through. Do not be critical of the way someone else has grown up, but consider if you can live in a similar environment. Discuss what you like and do not like of each family dynamic. Be clear about what you expect from each other.

What is a Mom

2010-05-07T09:47:00.000-07:00

The world of the spider is fascinating. They weave intricate patterns of webs in corners, between branches or other locations where food might be caught. Every detail of their life is calculated even down to caring for their children. The female spider attracts the male to fertilize the eggs then when his work is done she kills him to provide food for her young and herself.

Isaiah 66:12,13 “ For thus says the Lord: Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river, and the glory of the nations like an overflowing stream; and you shall nurse, you shall be carried upon her hip, and bounced upon her knees. As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you; you shall be comforted in Jerusalem”.

This weekend we celebrate Mother’s day. A time to remember all that our mothers have done for us and celebrate the gift they have given us. So what is it that makes a woman a mother? Is it childbirth? Is it providing food and clothing until we are able to provide for ourselves? Is it time invested? What is it that defines what a mother is? Webster’s defines a mother as a female parent, a woman in relation to her child; a way to take care of, a woman in position of authority.

I believe the definition of a mother is far more complicated than that. The person that receives the title of mother is the one that invests heart and soul into their child. I have watched my wife nurture my children over the last several years and am honored by the example she has been to them. A mother is the woman that provides food and clothing for her children and far more. Mothers offer security for their children. She is willing to do anything to protect her children from harm or hurt. A mother hurts with their child. She is there to hug away the fears when they need. She rubs out the sore muscles. A mother cries with her children, laughs with them, and dances with them. A mother is the foundation to the emotion in a home. She teaches her children respect and how to behave properly. A mother is a mediator in the household. She is there with a word of encouragement and the drive to see you succeed when you have nothing more to draw from. A mother offers a gentle touch. A mother has the toughest job in the family.

You may ask, what does this have to do with marriage. Well it has a lot to do with marriage. How you treat your wife is an example to your children. So many marriages melt down simply because of division in the household. Many times just because the mother feels taken advantage of, hurt in some fashion, or ignored till they stop feeling valued. Husbands need to make it a priority to nurture their wives and remember all they do. Not just on Mother’s Day, but all the time. Be an example to our children of the special person that makes up their mother. Not necessarily in gifts and comments, but in respect and love. Children see the sacrifice their mother offers. Husbands need to recognize the sacrifice and validate their wives, not take them for granted.

Love your wife and be an example to your children.

So You Want To Have Children or Do You

2010-05-06T11:39:00.000-07:00

What is it about adults and games? Graduation, wedding showers, bachelor parties, engagement parties, and baby showers. It seems like when there is a significant life changing event we are expected to throw a party. So what is it about the party that helps prepare us for the next event? Nothing really. It is a time for our friends to gather around us giving us a happy send-off to that next adventure in our lives together.

Psalm 127:3 “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth”.

Children are a huge adjustment to a marriage. No longer is it just the two of you. With a child there are many other considerations. So while planning and preparing it is a good time to talk about these adjustments. First of all, are both of you wanting children and how many? It is okay if you decide you do not want children. No pressure here. Whatever you decide, as long as you both agree in the decision. If your relationship is struggling, children will not make it all the better. Children add pressure and stress to schedules and relationships if you are not together in the decision.

So what do you need to talk about? First of all figure out if you both want children. Talk about what the ideal situation would be. What is the ideal number of kids and why? Be as specific about dreams as possible. So now you’ve discussed children and have decided you want them. (Note: If the ideal does not happen, do not be disappointed. Children are a blessing from God, a treasure no matter the situation. Treat them as a blessing, not an inconvenience. The ideal is simply a place to start. Not a mandatory schedule.) Now how are you going to work with career plans? Understand when they are newborn you will not get much sleep. How much time will you take off? Are parents going to help when they are first born? How much can the husband help? If you are breastfeeding it will limit what the husband can do to help. Talk about the impact.

Raising children can be a challenge as well. You have both come from different family dynamics. This is a good time to talk about things like discipline. Children need structure and boundaries as they grow up. How are you going to establish those boundaries and enforce them when they cross that line? Do you believe in spanking, time outs, etc? Parenting requires involvement from both parents. How are you going to share the responsibility and keep communication clear between the both of you? Children are quick, so it is important to have a game plan. Keep communication open and support each other’s decisions. How are you going to pick your battles? What things are okay for freedom of individual expression and what things are household rules? And do not forget general “Safety Rules” which by nature are in a class by themselves.

Finally, what if you are not able to conceive children? I have talked to a few couples struggling with the stigma of infertility. The process of infertility treatment is invasive and brutal and not guaranteed to work. Do not let the pressure of children damage a healthy relationship. This is one area that you need to be sincere and honest. Put a plan together of how much and how long you are both willing to go through with treatments. If it does not work are you willing to look at adoption? What specifics would you need if you were to adopt? Talk about the emotions related to the idea of not being able to have your own natural children. Both of you, men and women have strong feelings on this topic, as well as other members of the family. Do not be afraid to explore here.

Children are an amazing part of my life. They have challenged me, and filled a different part of our life. Now they are old enough that we talk through just about everything. They were there to support my wife when I was down. In many ways they completed our family. They filled our household with love and a future heritage. We have an opportunity to shape a next generation of husbands to be caring, strong and sincere. I believe we have raised them in a way that they will have the tools to succeed.

Children are your heritage. What heritage do you want to show the world?