God is the only counselor you can fully trust in the way He guides. He knows you better than anyone else ever could —even better than YOU sometimes. He is all knowing. In Psalm 139, the psalmist said,

“O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.“

From what we’re told in scripture, you can rest assured that God, who made you, knows best how to guide you to Truth and understanding. As you follow His leading, He can help you build a marriage that is the best it can be, as individuals who work together, with Him and each other.

Advice from any other sources can sometimes be good, but it needs to be prayerfully and carefully considered from every angle. It’s the principle of gleaning, as referred to in the Bible.

You can read in the Bible where harvesters used to gather the best of their crop and leave the scraps for others who were less fortunate to glean through and then use. But in the case of gathering counsel, you’d want to pick the best —what BEST applies to your marriage, and leave the rest behind. The rest may work for others, but that doesn’t mean it’s good for you.

This doesn’t apply to the counsel you receive from scripture, because God’s word is filled with truth. As it says in 2 Timothy 3:16-17: “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” God’s word equipping us for “every good work,” includes building a good marriage. The principles for living, as outlined throughout the Bible, are also the principles for loving each other in the truest sense. A few of these principles are:

• Make sure you’re faithful in every way to God and to each other. “Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart” (Proverbs 3:3).

• Speak the truth in loving, respectful ways “as unto the Lord.” “Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of Him who is the head, that is, Christ” (Ephesians 4:15).

 • Be mutually submissive, with Christ as your example. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 4:21). “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness” (Philippians 2:5-6).

 • Whenever you can, inspire peace (especially with your spouse). “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18).

• Allow the fruit of the Spirit to flow through you, which is: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” (See: Galatians 5:22-23.)

• Whenever you speak, make sure the way you say it isn’t as obnoxious and irritating as listening to a “clanging cymbal.” “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal” (1 Corinthians 13:1).

• In the way you relate to each other, don’t be “rude, self-seeking, easily angered,” and remember, you are to “keep no records of wrongs.” (See: 1 Corinthians 13:5).

There are a lot more scriptures and guidance that can help you in marriage. A few links to some of them are:

• BIBLE VERSES THAT CAN BE USED IN A WEDDING

• SCRIPTURES TO BRING YOU CLOSE TOGETHER IN YOUR MARRIAGE

• MONEY AND MARRIAGE SCRIPTURES

• PRAY SCRIPTURES FOR YOUR MARRIAGE – Marriage Message #363

• MARRIAGE TIPS FROM PROVERBS – Marriage Message #360

• MARRIAGE CHECK-UP LIST -With Scriptures

• SCRIPTURES THAT DEAL WITH HAVING SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE

• BATTLING TEMPTATION WITH THE SWORD OF TRUTH

• SCRIPTURES ON ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

• SCRIPTURES ON DIVORCE

• SCRIPTURES DEALING WITH SEEKING THE COUNSEL OF OTHERS

• APPLYING THE GLEANING PRINCIPLE TO HUMAN ADVISORS

With God’s principles as your foundation He can further help you build your marriage in a healthy way.

We’re told in the Bible that God is our “Wonderful Counselor.” But there are many scriptures that tell us to also seek the advice of Godly advisors, as well. One of them is found in Proverbs 20:18 where it says, “Make plans by seeking advice; if you wage war, obtain guidance.” While we’re not advising that you wage war with each other, we hope you WILL wage war against that which divides you as a married couple, fighting FOR your marriage (rather than fighting each other).

While fighting for your marriage, you might want to pray what the psalmist did, as told in Psalm 139: “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Ask God to show you anything that is wrong within, that needs confessing and also any contrary spirit that you need to be aware of that might tempt you to filter advice in a self-serving way.

Make sure your hearts are pure, unbiased, and your eyes are focused, looking for truth. And then keep your eyes open to what God brings your way —that which is consistent with God’s Word and will work for your marriage. God didn’t create us, as “cookie cutter” type of people so the advice we obtain from human advisors should also consider our “uniqueness” as a couple.

We hope, when you’re seeking advice from those who can help you that you’ll prayerfully sift through it and use what applies for your lives together and discard the rest. Please don’t hesitate to seek counsel when you need it from those who are godly, who can help you. But also, make sure you draw close to God and listen to Him with your ears and heart attentive to apply the principle of gleaning when it comes to marriage advice from those who counsel you.

We hope this is helpful to your marriage in some way, either now or in the future. Please remember that we have a lot of articles, testimonies, quotes, links to other web sites, and recommended resources posted on our web site, for your use. We also make a Prayer Wall, daily Facebook and Twitter quotes available to help enrich marriages, as well.

And when you do your Amazon.com ordering through the window we provide on the Home Page of the Marriage Missions web site, part of the profit Amazon makes is sent to our ministry to help your marriage and others, as well. It is our continual prayer to always make pro-active marriage resources available to help those who need it. Thanks for your part in making this possible.

May God bless you in your marriage journey with each other and God,
Cindy and Steve Wright

Yes, I know that in the United States, we just celebrated Mother’s Day on Sunday. But for some moms it was a painful day for one reason or another. However, my husband Steve came up with an idea that kind of can take the sting out of it for some. It did for me.

Yesterday could have been a very painful day me (for reasons I can’t go into here —sorry). To help ease the pain and to re-direct my mind upon the Lord and upon something positive, our marriage, Steve honored me and showed an extra dose of love and care for me yesterday.

In the morning, sitting on the table was a card waiting for me where we ate breakfast (the weather was gorgeous here, so we sat out on our covered porch and together enjoyed the weather, the flowers blooming, watched the birds and lizards and even a bunny while eating). In the card was a beautiful note that expressed his love for me, telling me that he wanted to honor that entire day as “Happy Wife’s Day.”

He also gave me a gift of money to spend on myself the way I want in the days ahead something he knows I wouldn’t normally do but I will this time.

As soon as I read his note and sensed the spirit in which he wrote it, it was like a kiss from heaven. I was reminded of the scripture in Psalm 85:10, where God tells us, “Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other.” I sensed love peacefully giving me a kiss from God and from my husband, to bring a smile to my heart.

I thank God that He gave me such a sensitive husband who knew exactly what I needed when I needed it. I appreciate him all the more for his wonderful expression of love. We spent a quiet, low-keyed (my choice), yet loving day together (a choice we both made). Did it erase or take away the situation, which has been hurting my heart? No. But by my husband’s kindness, my focus was re-directed (as I participated in the process) so that instead of it being an especially difficult day, it was a loving one.

I have a dear friend whose husband essentially did the same for her. It was her first Mother’s Day after her mom had died. He knew it would be especially difficult for her in missing her mom. So he and their adult children (and grandchildren) planned a special weekend away together with his dear wife so she could have those she most cherished with her, celebrating together in an entirely different way than in the past. What a kiss from heaven and her family, through this a beautiful gesture of love.

I remember the first Christmas after Steve’s mom died, it was especially difficult because we always spent the holidays together. A friend advised us to find a different way to celebrate together —to change our routine a bit —not to have the same type of dinner or go the same places, but to make a few changes so we could forge new memories and ease the pain of not having her with us a bit. It DID help. We still missed her, but it wasn’t as melancholy as it would have been we hadn’t made a few changes. We did the same type of thing after my mom died and my brother died, and his dad died. It helped ease the pain a bit.

I’m hoping that if you have a holiday or another type of day coming up that can be especially difficult for you or your spouse for different reasons, you will find a way to focus your attention in a different direction. Plan ahead on how you will change the direction of the day so you experience a bit more peace than you might have otherwise. I believe those monumental days can be all the more painful if we don’t look for ways to apply the principles told to us in Philippians 4.

First off, we’re told to “rejoice.” That’s difficult sometimes, but that’s what we’re told to do.

I’ll never forget what my sister-in-law did a short time after my brother died. My brother had finally accepted Christ as his savior less than a year before he died (he held out for many, many years). But on his “spiritual birthday —the day of his rebirth,” my sister-in-law gathered some friends and family, got a cake and threw a party in honor of my brother’s rebirth and his celebration of it in heaven. Instead of sitting around crying on that day, it was one that was celebrated festively. How I love my sister-in-law all the more for doing that. It was a “Rebirth Day Party” —making it a GREAT day! She really did help us all to “rejoice” even though we missed and miss my brother a lot.

In Philippians 4 we’re also told not to “be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” I’ve experienced that peace and that “guard” He puts over our hearts when doing what we’re told in that part of the Bible.

There’s a scripture that has helped me many times as I’ve leaned upon it and have done what we’re told in God’s word in Isaiah 26:3 (KJV). We’re promised, “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusts in thee.” When my mom was dying I stood all over and bathed in that scriptural promise, applying it to my life. I did experience peace —peace beyond human understanding. I’m doing the same with this and other promises, with more recent heart-breaking circumstances.

I urge you, as I am doing, to keep directing your focus. Yes, we’re allowed to grieve and cry when hurt. God knows and God cares. Tears can be cleansing. But we should also apply what we’re told in Philippians 4:8-9:

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.“

May His peace be upon you as you “think about such things.” And if changing the focus for a time, such as turning Mother’s Day (or another monumental day) into Happy Wife’s or Happy Husband’s Day will help you to “think about such things” and bring you peace, I encourage you to do so.

“This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” (Psalm 118:24)

Launi expected to be married happily ever after. It didn’t happen.

Tammy, Jackie, Martin, and Len expected their partners to be faithful. They weren’t.

Bob and Dave expected their company revenues to increase 25 percent last year. Instead, they both filed for bankruptcy.

Karen and Phil expected their son to go to college in the fall. He died in a motorcycle accident this spring.

Darcy, Mira, Judy, and I expected to give birth to healthy babies. Yet each of us has a child with special needs.

Recently I came across a Scripture that spoke to me about suffering and expectations:

“Then [Jesus] told them what they could expect for themselves: ‘Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat-I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all’” (Luke 9:23-24, The Message).

As card-carrying members of the human race, we are to expect suffering. Expect heartache. Expect pain and disappointment. Expect the unexpected. Yet while all this is true, we can also expect that as we give God the lead, He will give us what we need to endure the wounds we experience. He will show us how to navigate the raging storms that sweep over the horizon of our lives.

When we are trying to heal from life’s painful blows, we need to be especially kind to ourselves by revising our expectations to better fit the reality of our current situation.

As Dr. Stephens stated, we must accept the truth: What is, is. To continue to hang on to expectations unsupported by facts will simply drive us deeper into a black hole of despair. If we want to heal and improve the quality of our life, we have to let go of unrealistic expectations.

Ever since our youngest was born with Down Syndrome, I have had to periodically take inventory of my expectations and make some adjustments.

I can’t expect Nathan to read a book out loud or write a book report as our other children did when they were in grade school. If I hang on to that expectation, I will perpetuate my pain and frustrate Nathan. But I can expect him to read. That is a tangible, reachable goal for him.

I can’t expect John and I will be empty-nesters in a few years, as we had previously thought. But I can expect that whatever comes will in some way be good, and that God will be with us.

I can’t expect God to shield my children from all adversity and heartache. I can’t expect their lives to be pain free. The absence of pain doesn’t exist this side of heaven. But I can expect God’s grace and kindness to be sufficient for their every situation. I can expect God to transform any harsh reality that assaults them into something that ultimately works for their highest good and His greatest glory.

I can’t expect myself to always be a wise, patient, and attentive woman. I want to be, of course, but many times I fall short. When I’m tired, I snap at my kids. When I find twenty-five messages waiting for me on my voice mail, I want to run away from everything. Although I try very hard, I’m not always who or what I want to be. But I can expect God to pour grace over my weaknesses as I offer them to Him, and to provide strength and time to restore.

In times of weakness I realize once again how profound and desperate is my need for God and His power to change me. That’s when I have to hold tightly to the expectation that He will finish the work He has started in me. That’s when I must stand on the promise that His power in me “is able to [carry out His purpose and] do super-abundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]“ (Ephesians 3:20, AMP).

Life doesn’t always dish out what we expect. But if we remain open to new possibilities, the road ahead can be an adventure. The scenery may not be what we would have chosen or anything like what we imagined, but it can be very, very good indeed. One way or another, God will get us to our final destination in heaven. And then, the fullness of His kindness will be unveiled, and every expectation we’ve ever had will fall absurdly short of reality.

Until that day arrives, please be kind to you.

The above article comes from the book, The Wounded Woman: Hope and Healing for Those Who Hurt -By Dr Steve Stephens and Pam Vredevelt, published by Multnomah Publishers. There was a lot more that we wish we could include in this article on this subject. It’s a good book for women filled who are finding it difficult to cope with some of the tragedies that plague them. It offers you the pathway to regain your footing, restart your life, recover your energy, and reclaim your joy. Contained within its pages are real-life testimonies that will guide you toward recovery and inspire you to press forward in newfound strength —not in spite of your wounds but because of them. The mission of this book is to help you move forward as you work through your pain, “reminding you that there is hope that you are not alone.”

Excerpted from The Wounded Woman © 2006 by Dr. Steve Stephens and Pam Vredevelt. Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.

What we’ve learned is that both of us have different viewpoints, as far as what is expected when one or both of us comes home. We’ve also learned that we have different needs after being gone (especially when it involves a trip away from home). Many (but not all) women feel a need to connect by talking when we haven’t been with our spouse for a while. After talking we THEN feel we can relax or do other things. Actually, talking is a form of relaxation and unwinding for us.

But many (not all) men feel a need to have time to “space out,” doing mindless things for a while before they feel restored enough to connect in a social way. Talking is the last thing they desire. They don’t see it as a form of relaxing. It takes energy they may not think they have at that time.

But lets face it —some spouses don’t want to make the effort to connect at any point. They either don’t see or understand the need (because their own perspective clouds their understanding), or they’re narcissistic and they just don’t care. We hope your spouse isn’t this last type of person. If he or she is, then you truly need to keep taking it to the Lord in prayer, asking Him to give you insight as to how to make this situation work for you and then doing as God shows you.

A good marriage doesn’t just “happen” without stretching our comfort zones, learning how to serve each other in both small and large ways. After all, why get married in the first place if you just want to live a single-minded life, not making the effort to partner together through life? It takes extra effort on both spouse’s parts to grow together so you don’t grow apart. Steve and I are continually learning how to minister to each other, as life throws curve balls at us. We’ve made it our mission to make the effort to work together, to grow together, and to be supportive, as each of us needs it. I learn from Steve and he learns from me and we both stretch and grow as a result —as marital partners, as individuals, and as Servants of Christ.

We’ve experienced lots of ups and downs, but it’s worth it all. As we serve each other we sense the pleasure of our Heavenly Father’s heart. And that’s the most rewarding part of all!

With that said, we’d like to share something that came to us through the ministry of Gary Smalley (which inspired this subject). His ministry sends out periodic e-magazine messages. The following is one of them, sent to us a while ago. Please prayerfully read this question and answer message and see if the Lord has something in it for your marriage:

Q: “My wife and I are constantly arguing about my ‘wind down’ time. When I get home from work I’m exhausted. I work at a highly stressful job. All I ask for is a little ‘wind down’ time in the evening. She thinks I have a problem with my feelings because I won’t open up and share. I’m TIRED, not depressed or going through a mental breakdown. Not to mention all of the chores I need to get done before the sun goes down. Where’s the balance? What can I do to get my wife to back off?

A: “What if I told you that 20 minutes each night might ease this recurring conflict? My friend, she needs to talk; it’s necessary to her happiness, her security, and even her health.

“Whether you want to talk doesn’t matter. If you love her you will want to meet her deepest needs. Increasing verbal communication is not as painful as men may think. Marriage expert John Gottman says a minimum of twenty minutes a day in true communication with each other decreases a couple’s chances of divorce and greatly increases marital satisfaction. Just twenty minutes a day listening and talking with your mate, understanding each other’s heart, and valuing each other’s words. Who doesn’t have at least that much time?

“I know how we men are. When you come home in the evening, you’ve provided, so you think you’ve done your share. Your wife, however, still needs to spend her word allotment for the day —especially if she’ stayed home all day —so she talks all through dinner. To you the conversation may seem disjointed and unrelated to anything really important. It doesn’t make more money. It doesn’t provide anything, as you understand it.

“Dinner is over and she’s still talking. You wonder why you’re still sitting here. Now she wants to take coffee out to the front porch and continue the conversation. You want to head for the garage and fix the sputtering lawn mower (or watch a little TV to decompress).

“Now stop and think, men. What’s more important to you, the lawn mower, the hobby, cleaning the fishing pole for tomorrow’s trip… or your wife? Remember, you’d die for her, right? ‘Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her‘ Ephesians 5:25. Please give 20 minutes to help strengthen your relationship!”

We’d like to add something else to consider. Talk together as a married team (when it isn’t a H.A.L.T. time —when one or both of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired). Decide what time works best for all concerned to have some uninterrupted decompression time. Is it right after work and then you make a point to connect afterward? Or do you have connection time together right away and then have a little alone time later? Just try to include both, when it’s needed and it’s possible, in a way that best works for the dynamics of your marriage relationship.

At some point, if there are children, it would be great to give each other some time with the kids and without (if it’s possible). The spouse (who has been away) takes the kids alone at some point to connect with them. You can then join together as a family. This gives the other spouse some uninterrupted time also. This way both spouses have time to themselves, time with the kids, as well as time together. It’s called working together as a team. A good marriage is one where both learn the art of negotiating and compromising —finding ways to meet everyone’s needs. (We hope you have a spouse who will partner with you, to make this possible.) It may be a struggle to get through issues like this, but it’s worth it in the end as you make the effort.

Remember, you’re both supposed to work together for the betterment of your marriage, yourselves as individuals, and also for the kingdom of God. As your marriage grows healthy, and reflects the love of God, others will more naturally want to know your “secret.” They may then want to know your God better. If your marriage is a loving one, it’s a living testimony of the possibilities of what God can do for them also, as they too unite with Him!

Cindy and Steve Wright

But others will find it to be a day of sadness for one reason or another. Perhaps you’re losing or have lost a child, or you’re losing or have lost your mother, or your spouse, or you don’t have a child to love when you want one so badly… the list can go on and on, as far as reasons.

Whatever the day looks like it could be for you, my husband Steve and I pray that you are able to find joy in it. If joy and peace isn’t right up in front for you to see, look for little lights of joy here and there. They’re there. It may just be that they’re whisper quiet right now so you need to do a little extra searching to find them.

I saw a quote once that read, “Behind every flower stands God.” That’s something to find joy in and to celebrate. Look for the loveliness surrounding you. It may be hidden or right in front of you.

We live in a place in Arizona where there are mountains. As I look at them, somehow my heart quiets down and smiles. There is peace in knowing the greatness of our God.

“Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations. Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God.” (Psalm 90:1-2)

For those of you who are laughing readily, we rejoice with you. It tickles our hearts to think of you enjoying yourself.

For those of you who find it difficult to rejoice today, we grieve with and pray for you. May you find God as your dwelling place and may He make your heart smile.

“Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.” (Psalm 91:14)

Recently, my husband and I have been going through some stormy times. Oh, it’s not about our relationship —thankfully, we’re fine with “us” right now. That hasn’t always been the case in our life together but at this point in our marriage, we’re doing quite well —really well… thank you Lord!

That may not be true for you. It may be that you have a very troubled marriage and you are trying to make sense of it all. If that is what is happening in your life, or if it’s something else that is troubling you, I encourage you to still read on. I’m thinking there will still be something for you, something God wants to give to you to minister to you in some way.

In our marriage right now it’s other “stuff” in life, which is driving us bonkers —tough stuff that life has delivered here and there, health issues, family relationship problems, ministry matters (with too much work and not enough time to do it all), financial concerns, sick and dying family members who tug us in various ways, work related stress, and lots more.

Previously, what we were dealing with is what can be termed as, “smaller storms of stress.” That’s what Anne Graham Lotz calls them. In her book, Why? Trusting God When You Don’t Understand (which I’ve been reading lately) she talks about these “smaller storms of stress” that “can be overwhelming when clustered together, becoming one large, collective storm of suffering.”

Yep! That sums it up pretty well, as far as what was happening with us. It all came in and began piling up on us. At times we’ve been choking under the load of it all, and I have to say it’s now getting to us —BIG TIME!!! Perhaps you can relate with your “storms of stress” —big and small.

Almost two weeks ago we had a doozy of a storm hit us, which sent us reeling and heart broken! As I told my husband Steve, this “storm” in itself would have been extremely difficult for us to deal with —all on it’s own. But you pile this on top of the other matters of concern and this is tough stuff to handle and a lot to sort out as we try to find a “new normal” —one in which we wouldn’t have guessed we would ever have to face. But we are. We don’t want to, but we are.

Thankfully, God has been patiently helping us, with the support of a few friends and His guidance as we keep going to Him to be our “Wonderful Counselor.” Diving into scripture, talking all of this out with Him and each other, reading other supportive material, depending upon the prayers and counsel of a few close friends and such, has been getting us through this so we don’t lose our sanity or our hope that someday we will be able to smile again.

There sure hasn’t been much smiling going on in our home this past few weeks though, I can assure you —lots of tears, not many smiles… but we have hope that we will get there. Soon, Lord Jesus, please make it soon.

I’d like to share with you some of what we’ve been sorting through (without going into too many details for various reasons). I’m hoping you can relate to at least some of what we’re learning along the way, and apply that which you can use in your own life. They say it’s not just what we LIVE THROUGH that’s important, but what we LEARN THROUGH, and pass on to other people.

Diving into God’s Word has been most helpful, along with a few other resources and LOTS of prayer. In reading this book, “Why?” Anne Graham Lotz makes some good points. She writes about the storms she has been going through and how her first reaction was that she has wanted to escape the hurt. Sound familiar? Don’t we usually want to escape, rather than work through that which is hurting us? I know that’s true for me.

She brings out a strange point in how we deal with pain. She writes,

“I understand that a turkey and an eagle react differently to the threat of a storm. A turkey reacts by running under the barn, hoping the storm won’t come near. On the other hand, an eagle leaves the security of its nest and spreads its wings to ride the air currents of the approaching storm, knowing they will carry it higher in the sky than it could soar on its own. Based on your reaction to the storms of life, which are you? A turkey or an eagle?”

I’m a turkey. I sadly admit it. I hate storms. My first reaction to them is to hide. But for some reason, in my walk with the Lord, He just doesn’t let me stay hiding. He coaxes me out (or throws me out) and says, “Come, let us reason together.” Grrr… I hate that! I want to act as a child (and sometimes I do) and hide.

I have to say though, right here that there is a difference between withdrawing to get your bearings —to come out in a wiser way, and just plain withdrawing to hide. The first can be wise (as long as you don’t wait too long). But the second is more “turkeyish,” if I can use that term. When you look at what an eagle looks like and a turkey, more of us would probably want to be called an eagle, rather than a turkey. But many of us don’t want to do what it takes to BE an eagle. It takes bravery to step outside our comfort zones when all we want to do is withdraw.

The other morning, as I was sitting in a worship time with some friends, God spoke to my heart and revealed to me something important. During times of trial, there are two choices we face in the way we can make to handle matters. We can go at them on our own and TURN AWAY from God’s presence and His guidance, or we can LOOK TO Him as or Savior and Lord to be with us through the whole ordeal, trusting Him to redeem it in some way.

We’re making the stand to look TO Him. And while we’re doing this, we are learning even more compassion for others than we had before —as we keep our focus on God’s face and walk by faith that somehow God will redeem that which we present to Him. We’re looking with hope against hope —especially concerning those who we love so very much, even when that love is not being returned.

I told my husband Steve that it’s ironic how, before something like this happens to us, we might be tempted to think we would know the advice we would give to others who are facing what we are going through —as if we have some type of “answers.” But now that we’re the ones going through it, we have no answers —no idea of what we would advise someone else to do in this type of circumstance. When it’s a matter of the heart —when your heart is aching and your heart is breaking, it’s all a faith-walk… step-by-step —trusting GOD’S heart that He will make a way to bring good out of all of this (even though we sure can’t see it now).

We’re learning some things along this journey.

Anne Graham Lotz talked in her book about the things she was learning along the way and how, when she looked to God in pain, trusting Him and TRYING to soar like an eagle (rather than pulling back like a turkey), she could imagine something important. On one important day she imagined “a smile of infinite tenderness on His face as the angels in heaven applaud, ‘Anne, you’re finally getting it. Now you’re beginning to understand one of the reasons why God has allowed these bad things to happen.’”

She goes on to write something I’m learning:

“Looking back over that eighteen-month period, my thoughtful, confident conclusion is that God allowed the storms of suffering to increase and intensify in my life because He wanted me to soar higher in my relationship with Him —to fall deeper in love with Him,
to grow stronger in faith in Him,
to be more consistent in my walk with Him,
to bear more fruit in my service to Him,
to draw closer to His heart,
to keep my focus on His face, to live for His glory alone!”

I believe that with all of my heart. I am to keep “my focus on His face, to live for His glory alone.” And that is true for all of us. If we keep our focus on His face, we can learn though even more than we live through. We can gain comfort from God, “who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God” (2 Corinthians 1:4).

May it be so.

This morning as I woke up, I thought I would finish this blog in the way I was inspired last night. But God had more. In my email box there was something waiting for me that ministered to my heart. I want to pass it on to you because it may help you in some way, whether it’s in your marriage or with another situation.

It’s written by Sue Tipler, and is posted on the web site for the Spiritually Unyoked. Even though our situation is much different, the truths she is learning are helpful and applicable to the trials my husband and I are walking through right now.

In a blog titled, Help I’m Sinking, she talks about how she feels like she’s ready to give up and give in sometimes. The old adage, “if you can’t beat them, join them” applies. Yes, I have to say that I’ve sure been tempted to do the same —to give up and do that which I know I shouldn’t! Thankfully she and we haven’t given into that temptation yet and pray we never will.

A friend asked Sue what it feels like to live day in and day out in an unequally yoked marriage. She replied:

“It feels like being in quicksand. You don’t even realize you’re in it until it’s too late; and the more you struggle to get out, the deeper you sink in.

“’I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me.’ (Psalm 69:2)

“I need a big stick to pull me out and for me it’s my Bible study and Christian friends; but when my husband gets home it’s like the stick gets covered in oil and I can’t hang on.

“Renee gave me some encouragement in addition to her response to my e-mail the day before, and asked me to do some research on quicksand to see if there’s anything spiritual there. So I did. I learned some things and God spoke to me.

“First, real quicksand is rarely deep enough for you to perish.

“Secondly, it’s true that if you struggle and thrash around you’ll only sink deeper.

“Third, How do you escape the mire? Relax, move slowly, look up and let the quicksand move you into a floating position.

“So what was God trying to say to me in this seemingly benign information? First, God will not let you sink so far you can’t get out. He will rescue you.

“’Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink’ (Psalm 69:14).

“Second, if you struggle and thrash around you will sink deeper (remember Peter when he tried to walk on water on his own?).

“Third: How to escape? Relax, look UP, and let God put you in a position to be floating on top of the situation instead of being mired in it.

“I didn’t need a stick. I only need Him.

“Even if you don’t see anything happening in your husband’s life, you can relax:

“’Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.’ (Habakkuk 3:17-18)

“Look Up:

“’…fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God“ (Hebrews 12:2).

Thank you Lord, I needed to read what Sue wrote (I hope you’ll read the blog in its entirety, as well). It has helped, even though our situation is so very different. The principles learned are precious and vital to those of us who are struggling.

I’m also thankful for friends. Even though we haven’t told very many people the specifics of what is going on because we know that is what we are to do (for reasons I can’t explain), a few precious friends know and are holding us up in prayer and care. Thank you Lord. It doesn’t take all of the pain away, but it is comforting to have them love us through this as God inspires. We’re usually on the giving end of this gift. It’s a treasure to be on the receiving end, as well.

As I said, I’m learning a few things along the way in the midst of this trying time. Part of what I’m learning is an affirmation of what God has shown us in the past.

John Piper, in his article titled, The High Lord Regards the Lowly wrote the following:

“Last week I was reading a book by a Scottish minister named James Stewart. He said, ‘In love’s service, only the wounded soldiers can serve.’ That’s why I believe some of you are being prepared right now for some precious service of love. Because you are being wounded.”

I’ve known that and I’m seeing even more of that now. During this trial, while we’re in a waiting room experience with a big part of this, God is tenderizing our hearts even more for work He has for us now and in the future. His Kingdom work is still there waiting even while all of this is going on.

I pray we will be faithful —that no matter what goes on, my husband and I will stand strong and will faithfully love each other and those God brings our way. As the nurse Florence Nightingale once was heard to say, “I never want to deny God anything.” That is the prayer of our hearts.

Another prayer of our hearts is something John Piper wrote at the ending of his message. I pray this for us and I pray this for those of you who are suffering in some way… may it be so:

“May God grant a special grace to you who are groaning under some burden. Look eagerly for the new tenderness of love God is imparting to you even now.”

That’s what happened with my husband Steve and me. Our differences came to the surface and eventually separated us from living together in marriage as we vowed we would on our wedding day. We began to act as if we were each other’s worst enemy.

We’re given a warning in Galatians 5:15, that showed itself to be true in our lives: “If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.” And that’s what happened —we started to destroy our marriage and the people we were each created to be and become.

But thankfully the Lord eventually opened our eyes and began a new work in our individual lives and in our marriage as well.

Recently, we were asked a series of questions by another ministry couple while they were in the process of writing a book called Marriage on the Mend. We’d like to share some of the questions and our answers (and then some additional comments that aren’t featured in the book, hoping they will help your marriage as well, to motivate you all the more to work on the differences that may tend to separate you.

The question was asked:

How important were God’s time lines and processes to the healing of your marriage?

Our answer:

We know without a shadow of doubt that if the Lord hadn’t interceded and stirred within our hearts to totally change us, we would not be married today. …We just didn’t know how to work as a marital team. We were two selfish individuals who thought we knew it all, but didn’t have a clue.

It wasn’t until we got on our knees together and asked God to teach us how to make our marriage work, that our marriage started to head in a healthy direction. Even so, it took years before our marriage became what anyone could describe as godly. And the work continues today as God reveals to us different aspects of our selfism that needs to be broken and made into the image of what Christ would have for our lives together.

In what ways did the process of healing strengthen your relationship with God?

For us, it was and is the other way around.

It’s our continual growth in our personal relationships with God that strengthens our relationship with each other. There are times when I (Cindy) will spout off at Steve in an unkind manner, over something that would make me angry at him. And I can barely make it out of the room before the Lord starts tugging on my heart, letting me know that it doesn’t matter as much what Steve does that angers me —if my reaction to him is disrespectful, then I’m more wrong than he is.

It’s the work of the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart that causes me to go back, apologize and approach things differently. And the same happens to Steve, where the Lord speaks to his heart about a wrong way that he has treated or spoken to me and he turns around and apologizes, and changes the way he approaches our problem.

Sometimes we’re stubborn and it takes us longer than it should, but eventually, because of our individual relationships with the Lord, we can’t live with ourselves knowing we aren’t living His life principles as we are.

Plus, we see ourselves as God’s colleagues in showing love to each other. If we don’t do what is right, we break partnership with God and THAT is even more difficult to live with than violating partnership with our spouse. I love God and Steve gets the benefit. Steve loves God and I get the benefit.

What/who were the greatest sources of help and support when you first started the healing process?

We had very little help in the beginning other than from the Lord Himself. We wish we would have had more help… we believe it would have lessened the amount of hurt that we caused each other. That’s why we’re so driven to help others. It may lessen the damage they cause in their relationship and steer them towards a better relationship sooner if they have others encouraging them.

But in the beginning of our healing process, we didn’t know anyone who could guide us like we needed it. We didn’t know of a good counselor, nor have other friends who were also Christians, who knew how to help us. It was by reading our Bibles and eventually by listening to Christian programs on the radio that gave us our guidance as the Holy Spirit led and spoke to our hearts.

What advice would you give to a couple who just wants a ‘quick-fix’ to their marriage problems?

How we wish we could say there were “quick” fixes, when it comes to marriage problems! But we sure haven’t seen it to be so. We believe that quick often means temporary. And unless you apply continual prayer, perseverance, skill-building, sometimes many counseling or coaching sessions, and a mindset of being determined to do what it takes to truly “fix” the problems, they will eventually come back and cause more marital destruction again and again.

It takes intentionality and a pro-active mindset to get our marriages to a place where they reflect the heart of Christ. And “quick” isn’t something I see built into God’s timetable very often.

If you were sitting across the table from a couple who wanted to save their marriage, but were unsure about where to begin, what would you tell them?

We would tell them that the first place to begin is on their knees. They need to humble themselves before God and start the work as individuals who need to work on their own issues and eventually God will show them how to work together on the issues they have together that are causing their problems.

Even if their spouse is 99.9 per cent in the wrong… it’s the .1 per cent that they are personally responsible for and that is a good place to start.

Another good place to start is to become students of each other and students of what it takes to make a marriage good. They need to look at their spouse with God’s eyes and not their own partial, personally filtered way of looking at them. And they need to learn what they can of their spouse —their likes and dislikes, what has hurt them and what and who has influenced them to become who they are.

As marriage partners, they should partner with God in addressing the needs of each other and treat each other “as unto the Lord.”

And they should also study what makes a marriage good, seeking what they need to learn, and then applying those skills to their relationship to build bridges to help each other. God has a plan for them individually and corporately in their married lives, and it should be their mission to find out what it is and how they can help each other get there.

“What are one or two key verses/passages of the Bible that helped you during the process of your reconciliation and restoration? What was it about those words that you found so helpful?”

“Finally, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable —if anything is excellent or praiseworthy —think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me —put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you” (Philippians 4:8-9).

These verses have helped us to quit focusing so much on what is wrong with our spouse, but rather to focus on looking for and bringing out the best with the help of the Lord. If we keep our focus on the negative, the negative will grow bigger than life and will overshadow and eventually overtake the good.

But when we pray for and then apply what we learn from Christ, God’s peace will be with us, even if circumstances don’t change. His peace will rule in our hearts instead of discontentment.

Also, “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death —even death on a cross” (Philippians 2:4-8).

These verses help us to put our own agenda or “importance” into perspective as we see that even Christ Jesus, who was God Himself, didn’t think so highly of Himself that he felt He was above serving and looking out for the interests of others.  According to the Bible, neither should we. Our attitudes “should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.” If He could serve, then so should we.

The problem is, that we tend to forget to “serve” when we become angry. We’re told in Ephesians 4:26-27, “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” But most of us give in, none-the-less and instead we entertain the enemy of our faith and hurt our marriage partner and the heart of God.

We’re challenged by the words, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from desires that battle within you?” (James 4:1). The answer of course, is yes. Within our desires, and in our anger with our spouse, we often lose self control and do the very things we know we shouldn’t (See Romans 7:14-25).

Self-control is especially difficult when you are angry with your spouse because you are usually so emotionally tied to what is happening. There is an important point in this to keep in mind that Meg Wilson brings out in the great book, Hope After Betrayal: Healing When Sexual Addiction Invades Your Marriage. She says,

“Anger is complex. It can be used to get others off track because it derails most conversations and puts people on the defensive. And though it’s not the primary emotion, it can take on a life of its own. Anger actually comes out of deeper emotions that are harder to identify and own. Remember, anger is often the result of hurt, embarrassment, or helplessness, but an angry person rarely addresses the core issue. He or she doesn’t see that the boiling geyser really springs from deeper feelings. They only see red.

“God created all of our emotions with purposes. In the same way that pain from touching a hot stove tells us to move our hand, feeling emotional pain should tell us to move. Our anger should be a yellow warning light. Its flashing should cause us to look at our circumstances carefully and make a change or get help. More often, rage is a red light identifying a pending explosion. Taking the warning, getting all the facts, and finding the truth will ensure an appropriate response instead of an inappropriate reaction.

“It’s hard to imagine our being able to think about appropriate responses when we’re so angry we want to explode. What many women don’t realize is that there’s a space between the emotion and the response. I used to say to others, ‘You make me so mad.’ Then I learned the truth. ‘I make me so mad.’ I decide.

“So how do I decide not to be angry? I have to choose to stop. One way is to process my emotions on paper first (then put the paper in the shredder). When I take time out to think through the issue I’m angry over, the pause keeps my feelings from controlling the situation and prevents further damage.

“Another pause is simple as telling the other person, ‘I’ll have to get back to you while I take the time I need to calm down.’ We must be sure to get back, however, and deal with the person — otherwise nothing is resolved. We’ve avoided the anger but found no solution. Replacing one unhealthy response —exploding, with another —avoiding —is not the goal. The goal is to use the space between anger and response for turning to God for guidance.”

We encourage you to pray and ask God for wisdom. And then apply precept upon precept what He shows you to do. We have a lot of tools on our web site that can help you in all of this.

Also, below are a few links to some articles that you may find helpful in bridging your differences. Please click onto the Crosswalk.com link provided below to read:

•BRIDGING THE CHASM: Overcoming Distance in Your Marriage

•RESOLVING MARRIAGE CONFLICTS SO BOTH SPOUSES WIN

— ALSO —

A few articles that you may find helpful as well, are found on the Smalley Official Site, which discuss how you can “get together on the same page.” We believe you’ll find the advice within them beneficial. Please click onto the following link to read:

• MY WIFE AND I NEED HELP GETTING ON THE SAME PAGE - Part 1

• MY WIFE AND I NEED HELP GETTING ON THE SAME PAGE – Part 2

• MY WIFE AND I NEED HELP GETTING ON THE SAME PAGE – Part 3

• MY WIFE AND I NEED HELP GETTING ON THE SAME PAGE – Part 4

This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

“Why is it that differences of opinion between a husband and wife so often lead to arguments and a breakdown in communication? Usually the differences are not life and death matters. They aren’t even right and wrong matters. They’re just different ways of seeing things or handling a situation. At such times the couple’s communication skills are tested.” (Dr Ed Wheat)

Do you have communication “breakdowns” in your marriage where you and your spouse have a difficult time seeing things the same way? If so, please prayerfully read the following insights, which come from Dr Ed Wheat’s book, The First Years of Forever (published by Zondervan). And then apply the info you can use and see if it helps. Below you will some ways conversations can go badly (and ways to improve them).

One of the things Dr. Wheat says is:

“When a disagreement occurs, it’s important to defuse its explosive potential by reducing what’s at stake. When your attitude changes from win/loss, I’m right/you’re wrong position to a ‘Let’s talk this over, but it doesn’t affect our love and respect for one another’ perspective, you’ve won the real battle.”

Dr. Wheat goes on to reveal some of the ways our conversations may go badly (and insights we may want to consider for each):

1. A War to Be Won: The disagreement becomes a war to be won —a power struggle. But the fact is that no one wins in an argument. Your goal should be to win by reaching an agreement or an understanding, while maintaining your good feelings for one another.

2. A Personal Rejection: The disagreement is taken as a personal rejection. Unfortunately, people often confuse rejection of their ideas with rejection of themselves. You can benefit in marriage from bringing your varying viewpoints together and discussing them, finding a solution, and gaining a deeper appreciation for one another at the same time.

3. A Change of Weapons: People change the subject and drag in other issues to use as weapons against their partners, instead of limiting the discussion to the original disagreement. As soon as one feels attacked and reacts with defensiveness, communication and loving intimacy are on the way out the door. If you want to avoid this and resolve the issue, agree ahead of time to discuss only the matter at hand. Let the law of kindness be on your tongue. The Bible says that words can pierce like a sword, but the wise tongue brings health and well-being.

4. Sweeping Generalizations: People, frustrated by their inability to make their point, resort to sweeping generalizations characterized by the use of these expressions: “You always …” and “You never …” These are “fighting words” and there is almost no adequate response to them. The temptation is to stoop to the same tactic and argue, “I do not! You always…” or “You never…”

5. Shouting or Siberia: People sometimes respond to disagreements in even more inappropriate and childish ways. One wife wrote us, “I wish my husband could discuss matters without shouting. He seems to think that talking loud and fast is the only way to communicate.” A husband told us, “My only option is to agree with my wife on every point. Otherwise, she sends me to Siberia and for weeks at a time.”

6. Yes, But …: People often pull out this prize communication stopper: “Yes, but…” which simply escalates the argument. Once we recognize how thoroughly annoying and disheartening this reaction is we can choose to learn other ways of responding when we disagree.

Here’s how: Refuse to use those two words in combination again. Learn to make your point differently, beginning with a favorable response, such as “That’s an interesting way of looking at it. I hadn’t thought of it that way.” Or, “I see what you mean.” Move right on smoothly into your point, presented as a question, “Do you think that…?”

In other words, present your original reaction in the framework of a measured and respectful response to the other person’s idea by taking it seriously. Then tactfully offer your question in such a way that it is not regarded as an attack or a put-down. The discussion begins without ever using a “but” and your partner will feel more like rethinking the issue because you’ve recognized the validity of his or her position.

All these childish attempts to “win” the disagreement can be changed, if there is a genuine desire to learn to communicate. Excitable people can learn to talk more slowly and calmly, to take deep breaths while they’re talking, and to stop to listen. People who pout, who use the deep freeze to express their displeasure, can learn that often honest discussion has its rewards.

Most importantly, marriage partners can learn to appreciate the peace which comes when they respect one another’s right to hold different views and express those views in a calm discussion.

When a disagreement occurs, it’s important to defuse its explosive potential by reducing what’s at stake. When your attitude changes from win/loss, I’m right/you’re wrong position to a “Let’s talk this over, but it doesn’t affect our love and respect for one another” perspective, you’ve won the real battle. Here are some additional principles to follow:

EIGHT WAYS TO REPLACE ARGUMENTS WITH COMMUNICATION

• Response, Not Reaction: Don’t interrupt. Listen carefully before you respond. Don’t react. Respond. Keep the discussion squarely on the issue at hand. You need to agree, long before disagreements arise, that you will limit any discussion to the present, leaving the past out of it, and limit the discussion to the one issue, refusing to allow side issues to enter in.

• Disagreement, Not Disapproval: Acknowledge that you understand what your partner is saying, even though you disagree. Show him or her respect. Don’t let your disagreement of this issue sound like disapproval of your partner.

• The Gift of Empathy: Make it a point to share your feelings, but not in such a way that your partner feels criticized. Encourage your partner to share feelings and respond to them lovingly. Give him or her, the gift of sympathy and empathy. This is one way to teach each other to give what you both are longing for.

• Carefully Clarify: Carefully clarify what you’re both saying so there can be no misunderstanding. Take turns doing this, with no interruptions.

• Truthing in Love: Speak the truth in love. The original expression in the New Testament (Ephesians 4:15) is literally truthing in love — maintaining truth in love, both with your speech and with your behavior. Honesty and love are needed, so speak the truth but speak it gently.

• Say “I Need You”: Be willing to show your vulnerable, needy side to your partner [if you aren't in an abusive marriage]. Don’t be afraid to say “I need you.” Real communication means revealing yourself even at the risk of rejection. When both are willing to do this, you are well on your way to building loving intimacy in your relationship.

• Surprise and Disarm: Stop being defensive when the issue is a personal one. Surprise and disarm your partner by agreeing there is wrong on your side, since there always is (even if you don’t wish to admit it). Be specific. “I was wrong” can stop a fight and demonstrate to your partner how to admit wrong, too.

• Apply the B-E-S-T: Apply the B-E-S-T principles in your communication. As you talk with each other, Bless with your words; Edify (or build up) your partner by what you say and by your interest in what your partner has to say; Share openly and honestly; and Touch affectionately while you talk. Bless, edify, share, and touch —communicate the BEST to your mate.

You can reduce tensions by recognizing and correcting the communication practices that cause frustration and by learning to fight the biblical way —a way that deals constructively with anger, resentment, and hurt feelings.

We hope and pray the above thoughts will help and bless your marriage.

And if you are new in your marriage (within the first 5 years or even beyond) you might consider obtaining this excellent book that Dr Ed Wheat wrote for newlyweds. It could help you to build a good strong base for the future of your marriage.

Cindy and Steve Wright

I’m amazed how many “Christian” couples share their lives and home together, but they barely share their spiritual lives as a marital team. They may pray together at meal times (but many don’t) and at church, but not much beyond that.

I’m sure not going to throw stones at you for that because for a number of years, neither did my husband Steve and I. Truthfully, it never occurred to us until a friend of mine challenged me on this. She told me that she and her husband pray together every morning and it transformed their marriage –that they became MUCH closer than they ever were before.

So, I asked my husband if we could try it and he said, yes (he said that it had never occurred to him either… really sad, that it hadn’t crossed our minds previously). So we did and we do. Every morning and/or every evening (even if one of us is out of town) we sit down together and pray.

Ours is usually a short time together (although sometimes it’s longer)… we start out by talking a bit first —usually about something the Lord is teaching us, and then we pray together as we hold hands. It’s not a magic formula —you may find a different way works best for you. But the point isn’t HOW we do it, but THAT we do. We join hearts and hands and minds with the Lord. It has united us in more ways than I could express.

We also join hearts and pray together at different times too —especially when one of us is struggling in some way. The other spouse will say, “Lets pray about this” or “can I pray for you right now?” And we do. Sometimes when something great happens we will pray united, thanking God for the blessing. Again, these are all different ways we can share our spiritual lives together.

Today I was reading an article titled, Closer to God and Each Other, written by Dr David Clarke, (posted on Thrivingfamily.com) which gave another idea that we’re going to use, and you might want to use too. Here’s a bit of what he wrote:

“At least once a week, Sandy and I share what God is doing in our lives. We usually do this in 30-minute ‘couple talk times.’ I want Sandy to know how I am doing in my relationship with God and how I’m growing in knowledge of Him. Sandy wants me to know how she is doing spiritually, too.

“We talk about what we’re experiencing in our daily quiet times, insights we’ve gained in our Bible study and how we’re applying Scripture to our lives. We also talk about spiritual victories and setbacks and how God is guiding us.

“We don’t deal in generalities. ‘How is your spiritual life doing?’ ‘Oh, it’s OK.’ What does that mean? Nothing.

“We’re honest, and we’re specific. ‘What has God taught you this week, Sandy?’ ‘He’s teaching me patience. I’ve been meditating on Galatians 5:22-23. Here are two situations God used this week to teach me the importance of patience. One was when I was at the grocery store…’

“Sharing our spiritual lives helps us grow closer to Christ. And because we’re opening up about the most important and intimate part of our lives, we grow closer to one another, too.”

I agree. I also agree with what Simone Signoret said,

“Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years.”

As you sew threads of agreement in prayer, and you sew threads of sharing with each other concerning the things God is doing in each of your lives, it can’t help but draw you closer together —so you feel more connected.

If you are both Christians, why not try these suggestions, or modify and try at least one of them?

Tragically, so many couples deal with this horrible situation every day —losing their baby before the 20th week of pregnancy, commonly called a “miscarriage.” Even the word “miscarriage” brings with it the thought that the parent will “miss” being able to “carry” their baby physically, this side of heaven. And yet, they will always carry the baby emotionally in their hearts.

For those of you who are grieving through this loss, the emotional effects upon your marriage and upon each of you as individuals, can vary greatly.

“Sometimes a husband may blame his wife, or the wife may even blame her husband. Confusion and hurt can develop and cause great tension in a marriage if they are not handled properly” (Elizabeth Honeycutt, who developed Babygrief.com).

That is why it is extremely important to give each other the grace, space, empathy, and help that is needed so the grieving process doesn’t push you farther apart as a married couple, rather than draw you closer together as partners who work together through every tragedy that is encountered.

There’s something that Christi Bear wrote, that you might consider about all of this. It comes from the article “Understanding Miscarriage”:

“It’s common to experience extreme sadness, anger, guilt and anxiety about future pregnancies. There is no ‘typical’ time-frame for emotional recovery; every woman experiences the grieving process in her own way and travels the road to healing at her own pace. While it’s important to allow time and personal ‘space’ for grieving, if the grief becomes too overwhelming —leading to a more serious episode of depression and despondency —it may be necessary to get professional help.

“Fathers, too, are profoundly affected by the loss of a child. Unfortunately, a common misconception regarding miscarriage and stillbirth is that only the mother is affected. Women often feel more freedom to cry and express their grief, whereas men tend to feel pressure to ‘remain strong’ and may busy themselves with work or other activities in an effort to deal with their grief.

“Because men and women typically express their emotions and process their grief differently, it’s important for both parents to communicate their feelings to one another, helping to avoid the added pain of misunderstandings.”

John and Sylvia Van Regenmorter wrote something about this in their book, When the Cradle is Empty, that could help to explain the pain and tension that a miscarriage can bring into the marriage:

“The following reactions are common among women: ‘Does my husband feel as badly as I do about our baby? Does he know that since our baby died, I hate having sex? Why do I feel so unattractive? Why is becoming pregnant again such an obsession for me, but not for him?’

“Conversely, it’s not uncommon for the husband to think, ‘I have to be strong for my wife’s sake. She’ll only grieve more if I show my emotions, so I’ll keep my thoughts to myself. Why has she withdrawn sex? Is she blaming me? I know she wants to become pregnant again, but I’m afraid of what losing another baby would do to her. It seems like she’s crying all the time, and it’s really getting to me. I wish we could be happy again, like we were before the baby died.’”

John and Sylvia go on to give suggestions for walking through the loss of a baby like personalizing your baby, not rushing through to “move on” before you are ready, and bringing “your turmoil to God.” But they also suggest that you “grieve in your own way.” They write:

“Greg Bodin, director of pastoral care at North Medical Center in Robbinsdale, Minnesota, has worked with hundreds of families who’ve experienced miscarriage, still-birth, or early infant death. He and his wife have also suffered the loss of two children through miscarriage and stillbirth. Among the things he’s learned are:

• Loss is uniquely personal. There is no typical response or ‘right’ reaction to a pregnancy loss or death of a newborn.

• Feel the freedom to grieve in your own way. Don’t let anyone prescribe how you should feel, and don’t try to adapt your feelings to the expectations of others.

• Remember that the length of pregnancy doesn’t correlate to the grief felt. Some parents experience a great sense of loss even though the pregnancy was short-term.”

“Many couples feel the grief over miscarriage or stillbirth years after the loss,” Elizabeth Honeycutt from Babygrief.com says. “Others close up their feelings and try their best to move forward. For those who have felt the personal pain of losing a baby, the emotions, questions and grief need to be felt, answered, and worked through.”

To help those of you who are living through the pain and confusion that this experience brings into your life, we have found quite a few articles posted on different web sites, written by those who have experienced miscarriage, firsthand. We pray they will minister to your hearts and your marriage relationship. You will find the links posted below.

The following article is written by Laura Mills, and is featured on the Todayschristianwoman.com web site. Please click onto the following link to read:

• MOURNING A MISCARRIAGE

The following article, written by Lisa Brock, is featured on the web site Focusonthefamily.com. Please click onto the link below to read what Lisa learned about:

• LIFE AFTER MISCARRIAGE

The following article, featured on the web site for Todayschristianwoman.com, is written by Bob Perry, and gives insight into what a husband was able to learn after his wife suffered a miscarriage. To read, please click onto the link provided below:

• WHEN MR FIX-IT WON’T DO

This article is written by Marlo Schalesky, and is found on the web site for Kyria.com. Please click onto the link provided below to read what Marlo learned through the ordeal of experiencing 6 miscarriages. She not only discovered truths about her husband’s way of dealing with grief and life in general, but also about herself, and about God’s love and care:

• SURVIVING MISCARRIAGE

This next article, which is featured on the Stepping Stones ministry web site (Bethany.org), talks about the “Do’s” and “Don’ts” women want others to know about, as it pertains to approaching them after a miscarriage. To read, please click onto the link below:

• AFTER MY MISCARRIAGE

The following article is written by Cyndie Odya-Weis, and is featured on the Stepping Stones ministry web site (Bethany.org), and talks about the feelings she has for her three children in heaven that she lost through miscarriage. To read, please click onto the link below:

• LOST CHILDREN

This last article is written by Una McManus, as told to her by Mary Cunningham Agee, and is featured on the web site for Nurturing Network. Please click onto the link provided below to read how miscarriage birthed a ministry to unwed mothers:

• FROM TEARS TO JOY

This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

One area of difference, which you may need to work on, is to give each other grace and space when grieving the loss of someone or something dear to you. Through the years Steve and I have discovered how very differently we approach grief. In this area of life, as in others, different isn’t bad —it’s just different. For years we’ve been learning how to accept our own “styles” of grieving —trying not to judge or put too much pressure on the other to do things our way.

Upon the death of Steve’s dear father, this again became a reality in our lives and the Lord made us aware that there are a lot of you who may never have thought of this aspect of marriage (or you may know someone struggling with this issue and you want to help them).

One thing we’ve learned is: just because one of us cries and grieves more openly and just because the other is quieter and withdraws more during this time, it doesn’t mean that one or the other of us is wrong. It simply means that we find comfort in handling grief in different ways and time frames. It’s unfair to judge our partner’s way of grieving as being wrong just because it’s not the same as ours and we don’t understand it.

As long as our partner is working through their grief in a way that isn’t unhealthy and they aren’t trying to push us permanently out of their lives or bury the truth of the situation so it eventually unearths itself later in a hurtful way, we need to give our spouse the grace to handle this process in their way. But we also have a right to ask them to help us (to the degree that they’re able) with our grief and specifically and kindly tell them what we need from them during this time. That’s part of what partnership in marriage is all about.

A good example of how couples can vary in their ways of grieving comes from a book titled, “A Gift of Mourning Glories” where the author Georgia Shaffer says this:

“When 17 year old, Nate Heavilin was killed by a drunk driver. His mother, Marilyn, wrote that her marriage was severely tested before she and her husband understood that they were grieving differently. Marilyn’s Melancholy/Choleric personality wanted to make everything right and have control, even if it meant fighting for it. Glen, a Phlegmatic, yearned for peace and hated the conflicts brought on by the insurance company and manslaughter trial. ‘Glen didn’t look like a peacemaker to me anymore,’ Marilyn says. ‘He looked like Mr. Milk Toast. I wanted him to protect me from the cold, cruel world and make people be nice to me. Instead, he kept telling me I should be patient.”

When Marilyn realized that each personality has distinctive goals, she said,

“Glen wasn’t responding differently from me just to buck me, and he wasn’t necessarily saying I was wrong. We simply were looking at the world through different eyes.”

Different ways of looking at things and our personality tendencies, sometimes brings us to the place where we react dissimilar to each other even though we’re dealing with the same situation. So it’s important to make the time to talk together about what’s bothering us to try to build bridges of understanding so the problems don’t gnaw away at our relationship. If, after we talk about the situation, we still aren’t able to see things from our partner’s point of view, it’s important to agree to disagree and give each other unconditional love and acceptance despite our differences. We may never see things eye-to-eye, but we can accept each other with our hearts.

Something David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates wrote in their book, “Please Understand Me” might be helpful in this case. They wrote:

“If I do not want what you want,
please try not to tell me that my want is wrong.
Or if I believe other than you,
at least pause before you correct my view.
Or if my emotion is less than yours, or more,
given the same circumstances,
try not to ask me to feel more strongly or weakly.

“… I do not, for the moment at least,
ask you to understand me.
That will come only when you are willing
to give up changing me into a copy of you.

“… If you will allow me any of my own wants,
or emotions, or beliefs, or actions
then you open yourself, so that some day
these ways of mine might not seem so wrong,
and might finally appear to you as right —for me.

“To put up with me is the first step to understanding me.
Not that you embrace my ways as right for you,
but that you are no longer irritated
or disappointed with me for my seeming waywardness.

“And in understanding me
you might come to prize my differences from you,
and, far from seeking to change me,
preserve and even nurture those differences.”

You may never understand each other’s ways in handling grief, but that doesn’t make them (or you) a defective human being —just different! And different isn’t wrong —it’s just different!

We pray that if you’re grieving for some reason today you’re able to receive comfort from God and your spouse and those around you to help ease some of your pain.

We also hope that you’ll be aware that during times of grief you need to be “on the alert” as the Bible talks about in 1 Peter 5 because the enemy of our faith knows our emotions are vulnerable. These are times where we look for comfort wherever we can and some avenues of comfort might bring us more problems of a different kind in the future. An example of this might be that if our spouse isn’t comforting us in a way we think we need, we could be more vulnerable to falling into the sinful trap of emotionally entangling our hearts (and eventually our bodies) with someone else even though we never “meant for it to happen.” This could also be true of falling into substance abuse to “ease” the pain. This is another trap set before us.

Please let this be a warning to you to flee, as the Bible tells us that Joseph did, from any situation that could lead you to compromise your values and God’s values. Set boundaries up for yourself BEFORE a situation occurs so you’re alert and prepared to dodge the dangers ahead. Don’t allow your emotions to take you to a place you’ll eventually regret. Guard your heart and your actions.

Keep in mind that God said in the Bible that “it is not good for man to be alone.” This came even though God was with man at the time. So look for healthy ways to be with God, your spouse, and others to help you work through your grief. If your spouse or others just aren’t there for you, lean more heavily upon God to lead you through this time. God’s shoulders are big. And as the Bible says, “He cares for you.” He may be quiet in the way He is there with you, but you can count on the fact that as the Bible says, He “will never leave or forsake you.”

God Bless,

Cindy and Steve Wright

“The story goes something like this: One spouse has a higher drive (HD), and the other spouse has a lesser drive (LD). Spouse HD asks, pursues, begs, pleads, prays, asks, wonders… and finally stops. Spouse LD, meanwhile, feels frustrated, cajoled, annoyed, resentful… and finally relieved.”

But there’s more to this whole scenario than this, as the title implies.

I was going to ask permission to post the article that follows because I wasn’t sure if it would work just to link up to it. But there are many comments after the article, which are compelling to read, and we don’t want you to miss out on those either.

So, we’re providing a link to the Hot, Holy, and Humorous web site so you can read what they have written on this topic. It doesn’t just pertain to husbands who are refused, but to wives, as well. If you need to flip a few pronouns around here and there, please do so, but they do a pretty good job of addressing both. Intimacy needs are important to address, whether they come from the husband or the wife.

BUT PLEASE, if you post anything on their comment line, we’re asking that you post it here, as well. We’d love for this topic to be discussed on both of our web sites so we can all benefit. Thanks! So, here goes:

• Just Because He Stopped Asking, Doesn’t Mean He Stopped Wanting

The question was asked in the above article, “Can we work on our sex life?”

That’s a question that a lot of spouses have asked and will ask. The author of the next article, Chris, was asked that question quite a bit. But she says that she was the “refuser” in her marriage. Here’s part of her testimony:

“After 20 years of being a sexual gatekeeper and refuser, I am now learning to dance with desire and enjoy the full intimacy that comes with passionate and joyful sex with the husband God provided for me.”

In another article posted on her web site, The Forgiven Wife, she writes:

“My husband had his access to emotional and physical intimacy controlled by me for two decades. He has seen me change. I’ve atoned for my sin, in both thought and deed. My husband has forgiven me, and so has my God. Most of the time, I can even say I’ve forgiven myself. I thank God that my husband did not think I was beyond redemption, and I mean that in the fullness of the definition, not just theologically.”

The following is a link to part of her testimony. You can read more on her web site, as well. (Again, we’re hoping that if you post a comment on her web site, you’ll post it here too, so this topic can be openly discussed by husbands and wives who deal with the “refusal” issue.)

• Crawling Out of the Pit

This article was compiled by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

Twenty minutes isn’t really a very long time to spend it doing something you know is important, when you realize that we have 1,440 minutes given to us each day.

What if you spent 20 minutes or so of your 1,440 minutes in doing something for your marriage? Certainly, you married each other expecting to invest more than 20 minutes a day together to grow your relationship! How did your love grow in the first place, if you didn’t give each other at least that amount of time?

Anyway, that’s the challenge that Dennis Rainey from the ministry of Family Life Today made in an article appropriately titled, TWENTY MINUTES A DAY (which I recommend you read —it’s short, but impactful).

The following is part of what he wrote that got me to thinking. He was writing about the moments spent here and there doing other things that aren’t as important as growing a good marriage:

“What if we invested just a few of those moments —20 minutes, say —spending concentrated time and effort on our most important earthly relationship, our marriage?

“What if, instead of using our free time to get better at golf or photography or Cajun cooking, we used it to become a godly wife or husband? What if we used that same amount of time to take a walk together? What if we used it just to deliberately think about how to invest in our spouse —to brainstorm our next gift idea, to plan a romantic evening, to choose a certain chore we could take off our spouse’s hands?”

Again, what if we used 20 minutes of our day to grow our marriage, or even every other day? Truly, that’s not asking too much, especially considering the sacredness of the vow we made on our wedding day to, “have and to hold, love and to honor, in sickness and in health, till death do we part.” That’s a covenant commitment to be to each other more than ships passing in the night.

I agree with Charlie Shedd when he said,

“Marriage may be ‘made in heaven’ in the original. But the whole deal is more like one of those kits, which come knocked down for putting together. It will take some gluing here, sanding rough spots there, hammering a bit now, filing down the scratches on this side, planning a bit on that side, carving a piece, bending this section slightly, varnishing, backing off for a frequent look, dusting waxing, polishing, until at last what you have is a thing of beauty and a joy forever.”

Last night, my husband and I just sat on our back porch for a little more than 20 minutes as the sun was going down and a gentle breeze was blowing, simply talking to each other —connecting in a wonderful, relaxing way. It was such a pleasant heart-warming time. I asked him the question, “what was the highlight of your day?” That in itself started a great time of sharing that cascaded into other “highlights.”

Sometimes we need to work through things, read things, watch things that help us grow our marriage relationship. Even at this stage of marriage —being married over 41 years, we still attend marriage seminars and read marriage books, not only to help us in the ministry of Marriage Missions, but also to help us in our own relationship. We know God cares about the health of our marriage because of it being a living picture of Christ’s love for His church, so we figure we should care too.

I’m reminded of the scripture God give us in Psalm 90:12, “Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” Gaining knowledge in how to help your marriage certainly does seem like a wise thing to do. The following is a song that emphasizes that point:

So here’s the challenge: 20 minutes a day? Can you put that amount of time into growing your marriage to be healthier and more satisfying for both of you?

A few tips:

• In your devotional time, as you read your Bible, ask God to show you principles for living, which will help you to better love your spouse and honor your commitment to him or her. We are not just supposed to be Bible-believing followers of Jesus Christ, but Bible-living. God, whose very name means love, can teach you how to better live with and love your spouse.

“If you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.” -Proverbs 2:1-22 ESV

Did you see that? “Seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures.”

• Spend 20 minutes a day or so reading something about marriage on this web site –quotes, articles, testimonies, visiting recommended web sites, which might help you in your marriage. But first pray, asking the Holy Spirit, our “Wonderful Counselor” to guide you.

• Obtain a marriage book to read here and there. We recommend many of them throughout this web site. Continuing educations is a good thing. Get a MASTERS DEGREE as you study marriage.

• Grow together through 22 minute date times you spend with your spouse: 22 MINUTES TO A BETTER MARRIAGE.

• Attend marriage seminars, retreats and such. We do. We have a list of some that are available in the “Links” part of the MARRIAGE ENRICHMENT topic.

• A great book we love to recommend: Sacred Marriage -by Gary Thomas. And if you want something to read together as a couple, Devotions for a Sacred Marriage: A Year of Weekly Devotions for Couples also written by Gary Thomas. There are more listed in the links part of the SPIRITUAL MATTERS topic of this web site.

“Ask and it will be given to you seek and you will find” as we’re told in God’s word, the Bible. Ask God to show you how to grow your knowledge of how to be a better spouse and grow your marriage. He is faithful.

Here’s something to consider. Have you ever thought about your spouse being your “neighbor”? If so, he or she certainly would be (or is supposed to be) considered a pretty close and intimate neighbor —closer than any other human being or “neighbor” should ever be, that’s for sure.

And do you remember what Jesus said about neighbors, when asked, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”

Most of us know His reply. He said, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.’”

Here’s something that Joyce Meyer wrote concerning this commandment (in her book, “Help Me, I’m Married”), which might challenge you as it pertains to your spouse:

“When you read the Word of God, and it says to make your neighbor happy, to edify him and build him up spiritually, do your thoughts lead you to the people next door? Did it even occur to you that this word might be in regard to how you should treat your spouse?

“The word ‘neighbor’ in Greek, according to Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance implies one who is ‘near,’ or ‘close by.’ Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary explains a neighbor as ‘one living or located near another.’

“For some reason, it seems easier to obey the Word if it doesn’t mean our immediate family.”

Pretty true, isn’t it?

1. Myth: I must control circumstances for me (and my family) to be secure.

• TRUTH: I am secure because I am hidden with Christ in God (Colossians 3:3). All my needs are supplied in Christ (Philippians 4:19). It is not by my power or strength, but by His Spirit (Zechariah 4:6). He is a shield to those who walk uprightly (Proverbs 2:7- 11).

2. Myth: I must perform perfectly and avoid mistakes to be accepted and acceptable to God.

• TRUTH: I am perfect in Christ; one Spirit with Him (Hebrews 10:14; 1 Corinthians 6:17). I have been made accepted by Him (Ephesians 1:6). Christ died that I would be the righteousness of God in Him (2 Corinthians 5:21).

3. Myth: I am responsible for my spouse’s or another’s emotional well-being. I must apologize if he or she isn’t okay or if they do something wrong (or) I am accountable to God for my spouse.

• TRUTH: Each one shall give account of himself to God (Romans 14:12). I cannot rescue my brother by any means (Psalm 49:7). Each person eats the fruit of his own way (Proverbs 1:31).

4. Myth: I must stay emotionally guarded to be safe and secure.

• TRUTH: The Lord is my safety (Psalm 4:8; Psalm 27:1-6; Psalm 32:7-11). Safety is only of the Lord (Proverbs 1:33; Proverbs 3:23; Proverbs 21:31). As I trust Christ, His peace will guard my heart and mind (Philippians 4:7). He is my shield and fortress (Psalm 18:1-3).

5. Myth: I must be strong and independent to survive.

• TRUTH: Christ’s strength is perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). My life is to be dependent on Christ, since He is the Vine and I am a branch in Him. Without Him I can do nothing (John 15:5; 2 Corinthians 12:10).

6. Myth: I do not measure up I am not worthy of love. I may deserve to be punished.

• TRUTH: Christ has made me accepted in Him (Ephesians 1:6; Psalm 139:13-18). I am chosen, have been made righteous, holy, a saint. I have been justified. I have been made a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17; 1 Peter 2:9; 1 Corinthians 1:2; Romans 8:30).

7. Myth: Real men do not show they need help.

• TRUTH: When I humble myself before God, in due time He exalts me (1 Peter 5:6). Pride comes before a fall (Proverbs 16:18).

8. Myth: I must improve myself and build my self-confidence to succeed and know I am valued.

• TRUTH: My confidence is to be in the Lord, not myself (Proverbs 3:26; Proverbs 14:26); I am to put no confidence in my flesh (Philippians 3:3). I am to humble myself and become of no reputation (Philippians 2:5-8).

9. Myth: I must get respect from my mate and others to know I am of worth.

• TRUTH: I am called to love and to serve others and consider them better than myself (Philippians 2:3). Pride comes before destruction and shame (Proverbs 16:18; 11:2). I am to become of “no reputation” and be a servant (Philippians 2:5-8). He has made me accepted and perfect (Ephesians 1:6; Hebrews 10:14).

10. Myth: I must be heard and/or right to know I am of value to my loved one or others.

• TRUTH: I am not to be wise in my own eyes (Proverbs 3:7). I am to find my value in Christ (Ephesians 1:6; See #9).

11. Myth: I must “fix and direct” if things are to go right for me and if I am going to be secure and at peace. (I must control interactions and circumstances.)

• TRUTH: God will work all things together for me if I love Him and am called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). He is faithful and will cause it to happen (1 Thessalonians 5:24). God works His will in the army of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth (Daniel 4:35); God will accomplish that which concerns me (Psalm 138:8).

12. Myth: I must be the best to find worth and security.

• TRUTH: The least shall be the greatest (Luke 9:48). God is my worth, security, my shield and Fortress (See #17; Proverbs 2:7). Safety is of the Lord (Proverbs 21:31; Jeremiah 16:19).

13. Myth: Emotions represent truth.

• TRUTH: Jesus Christ said He is the Truth. Emotions do not represent truth and are not to be trusted (John 14:6).

14. Myth: My peace is tied to my spouse’s and/or others’ opinions and to my being treated fairly. To be fulfilled, I am entitled to my spouse treating me the way the Lord commands him/her to.

• TRUTH: Jesus Christ is my peace and gives me peace (John 14:2). I am in perfect peace as my mind is fixed on Him. As I humble myself, I’ll enjoy peace (Psalm 37:11; Isaiah 26:3 See #32, 37).

15. Myth: Husbands and wives should complete each other.

• TRUTH: Each has been made complete in Christ (Colossians 2:10).

16. Myth: Others and losses are responsible for my pain. My emotional peace, or lack of it, is somebody else’s fault (or responsibility).

• TRUTH: I am responsible to receive and walk in the healing, recovery, comfort, peace and restoration from Christ (Isaiah 61:1-3; Isaiah 58:8; Isaiah 54:1-14; Psalm 23:3).

17. Myth: I must prove I am right to know I am of worth.

• TRUTH: Christ has made me accepted in Him (Ephesians 1:6; #9, #10, Psalm 139:13-18), I am chosen, righteous, holy, a saint: a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17; 1 Peter 2:9; 1 Corinthians 1:2).

18. Myth: I can’t help being depressed and without hope if my circumstances don’t change.

• TRUTH: Christ gives me hope and a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness (Romans 15:13; Psalm 16:11, Psalm 27:14, Psalm 31:24; Isaiah 61:3). Hope is not based on circumstances, but is only in Christ (1 Timothy 1:1; Colossians 1:27; Romans 15:13).

19. Myth: I must explain, justify and defend myself. I must please my spouse and/or others to avoid rejection and find acceptance.

• TRUTH: Christ is my defender and my justifier (Romans 5:1; Colossians 3:3; Isaiah 54:17; Psalm 91:11; Acts 13:39). God will make my enemies to be at peace with me when my way pleases Him (Proverbs 16:7).

20. Myth: I must live under the burden of guilt if another isn’t okay or if I have failed or sinned.

• TRUTH: There is no condemnation to me as I walk after the Spirit. Christ came to make me perfect in my conscience (John 3:18; Romans 8:1; Hebrews 9:9, 14). I am forgiven of all my sins (Colossians 2:13).

21. Myth: I can’t be okay unless I can trust my loved one.

• TRUTH: I must put no confidence in human flesh (Philippians 3:3).

22. Myth: What I do makes me who I am.

• TRUTH: Birth determines my identity. I have been made a new creation by my new birth. The old me died with Christ (Galatians 2:20; 2 Corinthians 5:17).

23. Myth: I must live in shame from abuse in my early years. It affects my life and I can’t get over it.

• TRUTH: As I trust Christ, I will forget the same of my youth. Instead of shame, He will give me double honor. He came to heal my broken heart and give beauty for ashes. He will restore the years the locusts have eaten. My recovery will spring forth quickly (Isaiah 58:8; Isaiah 61:1-3; Isaiah 61:7; Isaiah 54:4-8). Jesus said we have sorrow, but he gives us truth which brings healing and freedom (John 16:6-7).

24. Myth: My emotional security is based on my maintaining my structure and on connectedness with my spouse and/or my significant others.

• TRUTH: Christ is my strong tower, etc. I am complete in Him (Colossians 2:10). He will establish, strengthen, and settle me (1 Peter 5:10). He is my shield (Psalm 18:1-3).

25. Myth: I am inadequate.

• TRUTH: I have been made adequate (2 Corinthians 3:5-6). I can do all things through Christ. I am complete in Him (Colossians 2:10; Philippians 4:13). He makes me adequate to do His will (Hebrews 13:21; See #34).

26. Myth: I can’t have any peace or contentment if my loved one doesn’t change.

• TRUTH: Christ is my peace. He gives me peace (John 14:27). When I cease from my own way, I have rest (Hebrews 4:10). Peace is mine through Christ (John 14:27). When I humble myself, I will delight in an abundance of peace (Psalm 37:11).

27. Myth: I can’t help being anxious when the future is uncertain.

• TRUTH: As I humble myself and cast my fears on God, He will exalt me in due time (1 Peter 5:6-7). I am to be anxious for nothing (Philippians 4:6). God will preserve and sustain me as I trust Him (Psalm 16:8-11; Psalm 23:4). The Lord preserves those who love Him (Psalm 3:23; Psalm 145:2; Proverbs 2:8). I am not to be afraid for I dwell in the shelter of the Most High God (Psalm 91:1,5,6,10; Psalm 18:1-3). I am not to be troubled nor fearful (John 14:27).

28. Myth: I cannot be happy if I do not get my needs of worth and security met by my spouse or another.

• TRUTH: See all the above. He shall supply ALL my needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19).

29. Myth: If I am treated unfairly, it makes me a doormat.

• TRUTH: Even though trials and unfairness will come to all, the Lord has made me who I am (#31; #2). Those reviling my good behavior shall be put to shame (1 Peter 3:17). As I walk in righteousness, no weapon formed against me shall prosper (Isaiah 54:17).

30. Myth: The Lord has never cared enough about me to answer my prayers.

• TRUTH: If I abide in Him, I can ask and it will be given (John 15:7). If I ask and don’t receive in God’s timing, I have asked with the wrong motive (James 4:2, 3; 1 John 3:22; John 5:14).

31. Myth: If the Lord wanted good things for me, He wouldn’t have allowed so much loss and pain.

• TRUTH: Tribulation and trials will come to all, beginning with God’s people. But Christ has overcome these things on my behalf (1 Peter 1:6; 4:12, John 16:33). He has plans for my good and desires to satisfy me with good things (Jeremiah 29:11; Psalm 103:5). After I have experienced a trial, trusting Him, He will establish, strengthen and perfect me (1 Peter 5:10).

32. Myth: If the Lord cared about me, He would give me a person to fill my loneliness—make me complete and fulfilled. I need a person to complete me.

• TRUTH: I will remain lonely unless I die to my own way of trying to make things work for me (John 12:24). He wants to fill me and my loneliness with Himself. I am to find my completeness in Christ (Colossians 3:3, Ephesians 5:17, 18).

33. Myth: I must see that others pay for the wrongs they have done against me.

• TRUTH: God will avenge, vindicate me. I must release others from what they owe so that I won’t suffer tormenting emotions (Romans 12:19; Hebrews 10:30, 31; Matthew 18:23-24).

34. Myth: I don’t have the power to love and serve.

• TRUTH: When I cease my own trying and trust Him, Christ is faithful and He will do it. He gives me the victory. It is not by my power, nor strength, but His Spirit that I accomplish (1 Thessalonians 5:24; 1 Corinthians 15:57; Zechariah 4:6). I can do all things through Christ who is my strength. The Lord will accomplish that which concerns me (Psalm 138:8; Philippians 4:13).

35. Myth: My worth and value should come from hard work and responsibility.

• TRUTH: My value and worth are only found in who Christ has made me—not in my performance. Christ has made me accepted in Him (Ephesians 1:6; Psalm 139:13-18). My confidence is to be in the Lord, not myself (Proverbs 3:26; Proverbs 14:26). I am to put no confidence in my flesh (Philippians 3:3).

36. Myth: My security and value should come from my loved one protecting and providing for me or doing certain things for me.

• TRUTH: The Lord in me is my provider, my security, my worth. He preserves me as I walk in faith (Psalm 31:23; Psalm 145:20; Psalm 97:10; Proverbs 2:8; also see #17, #4).

37. Myth: I should find significance from another’s love, appreciation and acceptance. I must have everyone’s love and approval to feel good about myself and be emotionally okay.

• TRUTH: See #35. I’m not entitled to others meeting my needs. My needs are to be met in Christ. I am complete in Him. He will fill me (Philippians 4:19; Colossians 2:10; Ephesians 5:17, 18).

38. Myth: Satisfaction and fulfillment should come from my marital partner.

• TRUTH: The Lord will satisfy my hungry soul as I walk in Him (Isaiah 58:10). He will fill me with His Spirit (Ephesians 5:17, 18).

39. Myth: I am not blessed if God doesn’t give me the things I want, according to my reason and timing. Things must go my way for me to be happy and satisfied.

• TRUTH: God’s ways are higher than my ways. He is in control and works all things together for my good if I love Him and am called according to His purpose. As I trust God and do not lean on my own understanding, He will direct my paths (Proverbs 3:5; Romans 8:28). He has plans for my good, to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). Only He knows the times and seasons under His authority.

40. Myth: I must earn any good thing to enjoy from God.

• TRUTH: He has freely given me all things to enjoy. I am justified freely by His grace (Romans 3:24; 1 Corinthians 2:12; 1 Timothy 6:17; Matthew 10:8).

41. Myth: I must have everyone’s love and approval to feel good about myself and be okay emotionally.

• TRUTH: See #35, 37, 38. I can’t count on others approval for meeting my needs of worth, validation and significance. These needs are met in Christ.

42. Myth: I must struggle to surrender or put away the flesh (my old “survival strategies”).

• TRUTH: I must not try to put them away. If my mind is set on the Spirit, I will enjoy life and peace. When I just cease from my own works, then I will have rest and peace. When I just cease from my own words, then I will have rest and peace. When I abide in Christ, I will have joy (John 15:11; Hebrews 4:10). As I walk after the Spirit, (abiding and focusing on the Spirit) I won’t fulfill the desires of the flesh (Galatians 5:16).

43. Myth: Life must be fair for me to be calm. I am a victim and cannot be okay until I am no longer victimized.

• TRUTH: Life is not fair. Trials and injustices will come to all. I enter into Christ’s victory as I take up my trial (cross) daily and deny myself. I cannot follow Christ unless I do this. Calmness and peace are found only in Christ (See #31, #14, Matthew 16:24, Matthew 14:33.)

44. Myth: My childhood issues must be dealt with before I can be okay.

• TRUTH: My issues have been dealt with because I have died with Christ and am a new creation. I am okay when I recognize that He has given me the Victory and cease from my struggling (See #34, #22, Hebrews 4:10).

45. Myth: If I punish my spouse or others, then they will love me and give me what I need.

• TRUTH: I will eat the fruit of my own way. I will reap what I sow. If I sow to the flesh, I will reap corruption! As I am unselfish and love my spouse and others (sow to the Spirit), I will reap that eternal life of Christ’s sufficiency for me (Matthew 5:46; Galatians 6:7, 8; Proverbs 1:31).

46. Myth: Love must be earned. I must please God and/or others to be loved and accepted. I must know I am loved by and important to another to be okay.

• TRUTH: God loved me when I was a sinner. He freely gives me all things to enjoy. He has made me accepted in Him. I do not have to have acceptance from a person for my needs to be met. Love is my sacrifice of my old survival strategies; it is not “getting.” ALL my needs are met in Christ (See #40, #2, John 15:13; Philippians 4:19).

47. Myth: I should not have adversity or opposition in life, relationships or marriage.

• TRUTH: See #29, #31. I know that trials come to all, and I should not be surprised when they come. God allows them to happen so that I won’t depend on myself but on God (2 Corinthians 1:9).

48. Myth: Others are to blame (are responsible) for how I feel. It is someone’s fault. I am a victim.

• TRUTH: I am responsible for me (see #3). He came to restore and heal my broken soul (Luke 4:18. See also #16, 18, 26, 45).

49. Myth: Things must go for my way for me to be fulfilled and satisfied.

• TRUTH:See #37, 38, 39. Fulfillment only comes from the Lord. He will fill me with His Spirit. He will satisfy my hungry soul and quench my thirst (John 4:14).

The above worksheet is something that the author, Anne Trippe, who specializes in marriage and family counseling, uses when she works with married couples. It is featured in the book, Marriage! The Journey published by Essence Publishing. This book is unique in that “the focus is on learning to rely on the indwelling Christ to live out His life within marriage rather than relying on one’s learned strategies, religious formulas and traditional marriage building principles found in many Christian books and seminars.”

This book is written after many years of counseling hurting couples and is a follow-up to the 16-week course, “Understanding Your Journey to Freedom in Marriage.” You will read of the experiences of several couples caught up in various cycles of conflict. As you read of their stories and the advice that Anne shares you’ll have the opportunity to gain from the wisdom and insight she gives them. She believes, and you’ll have the opportunity to learn, “God’s design for marriage is not only for happiness but to bring us to holiness and maturity in Christ.”

I recently read something about the ancient sport of falconry (in the devotional “Our Daily Bread”), which reminded me of this issue. While hunting wild game, men often use(d) trained hawks and falcons. However, as Mart De Haan explained:

“When the ‘educated predator’ was allowed to fly, it often rose too high for human eyes to see. So a hunter often carried a small caged bird called a shrike. By watching the antics of the little bird, the man could always tell where his hawk was, for the shrike instinctively feared the predator and cocked its head to keep it in view.”

He went on to say,

“Christians desperately need an alert perception similar to that of the shrike to detect their spiritual enemy. Our adversary ‘walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour‘ (1 Peter 5:8). Our responsibility is to be sober and vigilant. In other words, we are to be always on the alert.”

Then Mart posed these thoughts:

“It would be nice if God had giant sirens to warn us of an attack by the devil. But He doesn’t operate that way. Instead, we must read the Bible regularly, meditate on its truths, maintain a prayerful attitude throughout the day, and be filled with the Holy Spirit.”

I thought about how this applies to marriage. When someone writes us, we often can see evil at work to cloud his or her vision of the reality of what’s really going on and the implications that can occur if they don’t wake up. Repeatedly, we’ve wanted to sound an alarm that screams, “Open your eyes, you’re falling into the deceptions of the enemy of our faith.”

We do our best to warn people through these Marriage Messages and all we have posted on our web site but it just doesn’t seem to be enough. So for the rest of this message we’d like to share something more, hoping it will serve as a wake-up call for those who need it. In your marital relationship please recognize that:

The enemy of our faith works in subtle ways within marriages to get us to grab onto false beliefs (LIES) to destroy our relationships. Are you falling into any of the following traps?

• Couples, who are marrying, are led to believe that their love is so “unique” they won’t have the same struggles others experience. When problems arise, confusion and disillusionment follows.

•  The false message is promoted that “love should come naturally” so those who struggle in their marriages believe something is wrong if they have to put extra effort into making it work. Falling in love is heavily emphasized, yet doing what it takes to STAY in love is too often neglected.

•  When love is new, couples grab onto the false idealism that their “love will conquer all.” They don’t realize that God’s love and His Word applied in their relationship is TRULY what is needed.

•  The idea is promoted that Christians “shouldn’t have problems.” For that reason many couples are embarrassed to admit it when problems arise, and then they hesitate to reach out for help. When they do it’s often “too late” by the world’s standards to save their marriage.

•  Many couples become busy in doing so many “good” and “necessary” things that their priority to nurture their relationship is overlooked. A great number of spouses fall into the false idea, that they can neglect the needs of their mate and he or she will “be fine” or “just understand” (even though those who are considering marriage are told differently in God’s word in 1 Corinthians 7).

•  The “world’s” ideas of marital love are being pushed to the extent that spouses are adopting them as a type of compass for guiding their thoughts and actions —neglecting God’s way of living with and loving each other (as told throughout the Bible).

•  During conflict, the enemy of our faith works to divide couples so they get so single-mindedly involved, that they fight as if HE or SHE is the “enemy.” Sadly, this tactic works. The need to listen to and pray with each other, extend love, grace, and forgiveness is too often neglected.

•  In this world, it’s not difficult to fall into the trap of continually focusing on the other spouse’s “faults.” Any positive qualities and actions can be overshadowed and not noticed, as a result.

•  When things get tough and temptations reach their peak, how quickly and readily spouses can be led to forget and abandon what they vowed to each other and God on their wedding day.

•  Some spouse’s buy into the lie that “one time” won’t hurt, even though it does. Some spouses also rationalize the lie that because he or she is hurting so badly, solutions to cheat and do that which they shouldn’t is acceptable. Wrong! Cheating is never right, no matter what the excuse.

•  The idea is being fed to people that “God wouldn’t want them to be unhappy.” He or she then feels entitled to leave the marriage for the sake of his/her happiness (which is unbiblical).

•  People are led to believe that if he or she doesn’t “feel” love for his or her spouse at this time, that’s the way it will always be “from this day forward” (which research shows to be untrue). God, whose very name means LOVE can teach willing partners how to truly love one another.

•  Many spouses are so caught up in their own relationship problems they neglect seeing that their children are witnessing the way they interact with each other. From this vantage point, with added lies from the enemy of our faith, children then “learn” how to mistreat their own spouses.

•  The lie is promoted that forgiveness is for fools. This causes spouses to forget the grace of God and to neglect God’s Biblical message to “forgive others as God has forgiven you.“

•  The truth is not emphasized that marriage is a living picture of Christ’s love for the church. How we show love to each other can impact a world of people (including our children) that desperately need to see God’s TRUE LOVE lived up front and real, within Christian marriages.

We hope that if you recognize any of these falsehoods being held onto in your own marriage, you will get on your knees together (if possible) and pray that God will help you to “renew a right spirit within you.” God cares very much about your marriage. (And so do we!)

Please know that our love and prayers are with you,

Cindy and Steve Wright

I recently read a blog written by “Paula” titled, Bad Day Warning, which set me to thinking and remembering my own experiences on this issue. It also got me to laughing (kind of). And now, it got me to writing this blog, with a purpose in mind.

Have you ever had a day or part of a day where everything seemed to irritate you? You didn’t really know why, but if anyone crossed your path in a wrong way during one of those times, it set you off and then your bad day explosively became his or hers. If I had to guess, I’d say that most everyone has had those types of days.

But have you ever thought to warn your family members —particularly your spouse, when you’re having one of “those” days so he or she could walk a little quieter and hopefully give you the grace and space you need?

I don’t know why, but it didn’t occur to me until I was in my 30’s, to give out these kinds of warnings ahead of time. One day, though, I was having a P.M.S. kind of day and I remember my husband doing something that was irritating me. I turned to him and said something like, “I’m having a bad day and it won’t take much to set me off. I need you to give me some space and tread quietly for a while so I can work this through with the Lord. I’m just giving you advanced warning on this.”

It was a bit comical, actually when I think about it, to see him back up and quietly leave the room, without a word. I hardly saw him for a few hours and when I did, he was very quiet and respectful. He gave me the grace and space I needed and I was able (and so was he) to get past the whole thing in a much healthier manner. I remember thinking to myself later, “Wow! That worked. Why didn’t I think of warning him before when I’ve been in a bad mood?” I decided that I would do that from then on when I was feeling irritable. After all, why should I just dump my bad mood onto him? It’s a matter of common courtesy to let him know that I need some room to work through my issues.

But I’ll never forget weeks later, when I was having another one of “those” days, that I warned our oldest son David (who was about 14 at the time) that I needed things to be quieter and less intense —I wasn’t in the mood for a lot of noise or joking around and such. For some reason, he didn’t take my warning seriously. He started needling and teasing me, thinking he was quite funny. I wasn’t seeing it that way and warned him again. But again, he didn’t heed the warning and continued on. Well, I lost it and dumped my bad mood all over him.

I remember looking at him afterward; he was as wide-eyed as they come! Actually, I almost started laughing at that point because of the stunned look on his face. My husband Steve was in the room at the time and just leaned over to David and said, “She warned you, but you didn’t listen.” And then he quietly walked out of the room. At that point, I think I did laugh because the whole scene was so bizarre.

David and I talked about it later; we each apologized and smoothed things out. But I can tell you that whenever I warned David or our other son John (who also witnessed the whole thing), or I warned Steve about being in a bad mood, I never had any of them challenge me on it again.

I can also tell you that the warnings helped. Sometimes I gave them (I tried not to give them too often), or one of our sons or my husband gave the warning, because they were having a rough day. Respectful warnings were given and the others usually gave the respectful space and grace back (although it sure wasn’t 100 per cent of the time). As a result, there was a lot less bad mood dumping going on around our house. It made a positive difference, no doubt!

So that’s the “purpose in mind” that I mentioned at the beginning of this blog. I’m hoping that if you haven’t tried giving the “warning” yet, that you will (although if you’re in an abusive marriage, you might not find it safe to do so). If you’re able to though, you might even talk about it beforehand. Actually, it would probably be best to do so.

Just make sure it isn’t a H.A.L.T. time —one where you and your spouse (and kids, if you have them) aren’t Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Those are not good times to accomplish getting any serious point across.

I realize that given the dynamics of some marriages and families, that might be a challenge in itself (and might even put you in a bad mood while you’re trying to do this). But if you’re able to talk about this beforehand, you may have more of a chance of this going over better than it would otherwise. It worked for us and it just may work for you.

It’s worth a try, though, don’t you think?

Jack and Carole Mayhall wrote on this issue in their book, “Opposites Attack” (no longer being published). Please pray and see if there’s anything they have written below that could help you in some way in your marriage:

JACK: When Carole and I took the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, it confirmed what we already knew! We were greatly different! The indicator stated that the difference between a logical approach and a feeling or relational approach represented two ways of deciding on and evaluating information. The one person functions by deciding things on the basis of logic and objective considerations —which describes me.

I probably decide things more with my head, and I want to know what the “real truth” is about something before I decide. I tend to be an onlooker, viewing things from outside the situation, and I take an overall view.

The feeling-oriented person decides on the basis of personal, subjective values. That describes my wife Carole, who most often makes decisions with her heart. She goes by personal convictions and is concerned for relationships and harmony. She is almost always a participant within the situation and takes an immediate and personal view. I need Carole’s approach as a balance to my logical, impersonal, objective mode.

Just recently we were invited to two different open houses on a Sunday afternoon the day after we arrived home from an extensive trip. My inclination was to hibernate at home and watch the golf tournament on TV. But we went to the open house for a departing missionary and the engagement party for a friend’s daughter. Why? Because I chose to rely on Carole’s sensitivity to people and her perception of the importance of relationships in spite of the way I was feeling.

CAROLE: I must admit, there have been years of my life when I not only didn’t understand Jack’s way of approaching life in certain instances, I didn’t appreciate it. But the more years we live together, the more I see why God led us together. I’m realizing the ways I need Jack and perhaps why God made many men to be this logical kind of critter.

Not too long ago we were involved in a distressing situation that put my emotional circuits on overload. That same week, we were speaking every morning at a conference. Jack sensed that it was all I could do to keep my emotions under control. On the second day of the conferences, he said to me, “Honey, we’ve got to stay somewhat detached in this situation for the next two weeks so we can give ourselves to these conferences.”

Inwardly I thought, “How am I going to do that?” But before I could voice my question, he added, “The next time our friend calls, just say, ‘Let me have you talk to Jack.’ I want to protect you in this.” Gratefully, I responded, “I’ll do that.”

As I was going up the stairs, I thought, “How wonderful it is to have a husband who has greater capacity for this kind of situation than I do because he can be less emotional about it than I. He can stay detached. He can distance himself.”

Formerly, I had resented that distancing ability, but now I thought, “It’s great to have someone to depend on who is steadier than I am; to take responsibility; to ‘hold me back.’ But who does Jack have? He has the Lord, of course. And he can share things with me. But what flesh-and-blood person does he have to whom he can pass the emotional load?” And I answered my own question, “No one!”

Jack, as the head of the family, as a mature adult, has no one to pass the buck to. He has the ultimate responsibility. That day it struck me as never before how necessary it is that he isn’t as emotional as I am. If he were, he might “bomb out” at critical points in our life together. I know I would!

Two weeks before this incident, we had talked with a couple who were our exact opposites. He had been a pilot in the U.S. Air Force a couple of years before and at one point had been assigned as the escort officer for a friend who had been killed in an air crash. His task was to accompany the body back to the States and to be of help to the widow and her family.

Dan was a sensitive man, very aware of the hurts and needs of those around him. During the week he was with the grieving family, he became immersed in their situation. Emotionally, he became the husband and father to the widow and her children as well as bereaved friend.

When Dan flew back to be with his family the day before Thanksgiving, he collapsed! He was so emotionally depleted he couldn’t relate to his own wife and family. His wife was not only hurt but jealous of his deep involvement with another wife and family.

As we talked with them, we realized that God had given Dan a precious gift. He could identify and empathize and be involved in a way that most men couldn’t. But alone with the gift came certain dangers that he needed to guard against with extreme care.

There were two in particular: he would have to protect his own emotional resources so that giving to other people would not so drain him that he had nothing left for his own wife and children. And he’d have to be extremely cautious that his emotional involvement with others did not lead to emotional entanglements.

Afterward I thought about the times I’d heard wives say,”Oh, my husband doesn’t seem to feel deeply. He can’t relate to my emotions. I wish her were like… [a pastor, counselor, a friend].” I considered the times I’d had to stop my own thoughts from going in that direction. And I went to Jack right then and there and apologized to him.

Then I had a praise service to a God who created a husband with exactly the characteristics I need. “Thank You, God,” I prayed, “for giving me a man who can take a detached view of circumstances, of people —yes, of my emotions. One who can help me get perspective, who can take responsibility because he is able to stay cool and levelheaded. Thank You for Jack.”

JACK: It’s taken us some time to understand and appreciate the other’s approach to life. We hope it won’t take you as long as it’s taken us. It’s necessary to see how we fit together as logical or feeling persons —to realize that logical person’s strength comes in analyzing plans, seeing cause and effect, weighing the consequences and counting the costs of all the options open.

The feeling person, however, examines how deeply people feel about the options, what values are involved, what the needs are of those involved, and can make a fresh appraisal by understanding how in the long run each solution will affect the people involved

We hope this has been helpful to you. As God tells us in Romans 12, “We who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us.”

May we ALL learn to appreciate the gifts God gave our spouses. And may we use them together to benefit not only our marriages, but other marriages, as well, as God works in and through us.

Cindy and Steve Wright

Randy storms out of the kitchen and hides himself in the newspaper. Why? Why won’t he stand before Carla and address the problem directly, searching for a solution that can be beneficial to both of them? This would give both of them space to be individuals and yet live in wonderful harmony with each other. But that did not happen. Instead, more bricks were stacked on the wall between them, leaving each to suffer in isolation.

I suspect Randy felt a number of emotions:

He felt threatened. His wife was not happy with his performance around the house even though he saw himself as a diligent, hard-working man. She poked at his ego, and he used his well-rehearsed tactic of withdrawal to cope with threats.

He felt angry. He felt that his wife’s requests were unreasonable. He really didn’t think the problem was that serious. Of course, this is denial on his part, for the problem remains, and tomorrow is not likely to be any different.

He felt confused. What was the big deal? In denial, he convinced himself that this was her problem. If he ignored her, maybe the problem would just go away. But in his heart, he wondered if he needed to be more assertive and face her with his concerns.

He felt uncertain and afraid. What if she persisted with her demands? Would he be forced to change? What would he be required to change? He was content with his routines are not particularly interested in new challenges, especially on the home front.

He felt sad and rejected. Sitting alone in the living room was not his idea of a fun evening. He wanted true contact and intimacy with his wife, and this was no way to get it. He knew that he would most likely be stubborn and wait for her to make the first overture to him. They were in for a cold, silent evening.

Many struggles will drain a couples’ energy. Round-robin fights appear to be so simple but go on and on. Conversations that start out clear end up muddy. “What was it we were fighting about?” so many couples ask once the smoke has finally cleared.

Keeping focused in the midst of such turmoil is hard. Discussing issues in a productive way requires serious effort. Encounters sometimes degenerate into power struggles that culminate in hurt feelings and the loss of intimacy. How can we create real change?

As you begin this journey, the trail ahead may appear perilous. The path is unfamiliar. Trust that you will find the truth and it will make you free. Trust that God will provide wisdom for the journey ahead. Solomon confirms that “if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the LORD” (Proverbs 2:4). If you look and listen, you will find the right books, the right friends, and the right teachers to help you take one important step at a time.

Paths are never straight and easy. Life has many starts, stops, twists, and turns. Plan on them. As you begin to acknowledge the truth abut your marriage and about how you and your partner relate to each other, you may fumble about with new behaviors. You may try to be assertive only to slip back into passivity. You may try to confront irresponsible behavior only to revert to snide comment and passive-aggressive tactics. You are not traversing a smooth and easy trail.

As you learn to listen more carefully to yourself and to God, and as you let go of the lies that hinder you, the best path will emerge before you —one step at a time, one moment at a time.

The above article came from the book, Men Just Don’t Get it—But They Can! written by David Hawkins, and was published by Harvest House. We say “was” because unfortunately, it’s no longer being published. To read it, you will have to find it through a used book source. Dr Hawkins is a licensed clinical psychologist.

—ALSO—

To help you further, Lori Byerly, in an article posted on her web site, The-generous-wife.com, answers the question, “What if my husband won’t lead?” Below are a few of the points she makes, that you might consider in your marriage, if this is a problem. She states that some husbands have a:

“Fear of Judgement 

“Realize that a number of guys won’t lead because they’ve been punished for the choices they’ve made in the past. Why would they lead when they are just going to get grief for it? This means that you are going to have to talk about your respect for him, talk about what a leader is really all about and give him room to try.

“It’s also important to understand that having a different opinion, as a wife, does not mean that you are judging your husband as bad, wrong or stupid. Different perspectives are a consequence of being different people. It can actually be a strength because you are bringing up more options to explore. This can happen in a climate of respect and be good for all. (Some people mistakenly believe that it’s disrespectful for a wife to speak up, to ask for something different, suggest another option or to point out a problem. This attitude leads to the wife ‘not having a voice.’ Not good.)”

Also, some husbands hold a:

“Fear of Failure

“The other thing that can stall out your guy is a fear of failure. Failure hurts, but unfortunately it’s a part of life. We’re not ever going to get away from it, so we might as well learn from it and give each other a bit of grace.

“This is likely to be another thing that you just have to bring up in conversation. Let your husband know that you want to create a home where failure gets you a hug, a prayer, an encouragement and a sounding board, if you need one. Something I have to remind myself of now and then: If you are unreasonably hard on yourself, your husband might fear that you will be as hard on him when he fails. Offer grace to yourself as well.”

And then “after all this, he still won’t lead?” Lori continues with her advice in the article, Some Hard Questions (Part 3).

“Here’s a good Motto to live by for the bride and groom [and beyond]: We are a work in progress with a lifetime contract.” -Phyllis Koss

Amen? I think so. Too many couples think that the ultimate goal of getting married is to walk down the aisle, say our “I do’s” to each other and then we will walk hand-in-hand together for the rest of our lives. That may GET us married, but that won’t help us to stay married (as the divorce statistics show us all too well). And even if we stay married, that doesn’t mean that we have a marriage that is “good” —especially by God’s standards where we reveal and reflect the love of Christ to each other and to those around us.

I agree with something Charlie Shedd wrote,

“Marriage may be ‘made in heaven’ in the original. But the whole deal is more like one of those kits, which come knocked down for putting together. It will take some gluing here, sanding rough spots there, hammering a bit now, filing down the scratches on this side, planning a bit on that side, carving a piece, bending this section slightly, varnishing, backing off for a frequent look, dusting waxing, polishing, until at last what you have is a thing of beauty and a joy forever.”

What’s sad is that too many of us bail out (much like my husband Steve and I came close to doing years ago) before we get to the “beauty” part of marriage. When times get rough —especially when they get really tough, it’s tempting to say, “I’ve had enough!”

But I can testify that for many of us who dug down deeper and persevered —allowing God to work in us and then our marriage, the “work in progress” can pay off BIG TIME! My husband and I can testify after 41+ years of marriage that we are more in love now than ever before.

But to get to that place, we sure had to work hard (and still do), just as Charlie Shedd mentioned above. The work wasn’t just done on our marriage relationship, but also and especially in subjecting ourselves to God working on us as individuals —to help us get rid of the stuff that we dragged into the marriage. We both came with extra baggage that needed a lot of sorting through and throwing out. Sometimes we needed God (and still do) to chisel away, that which causes division between us. And I can tell you that the process of chiseling can hurt while it’s taking place. But afterward, it’s SO worth it!

Perhaps you will find the following Skit Guys piece inspiring to help you to allow God to work on you and in you. Perhaps that’s what He wants to do through a messy situation that’s going on right now in some aspect of your life and your marriage.

In your life and in your marriage, “may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing His will, and may He work in us what is pleasing to Him, through Jesus Christ to whom be the glory for ever and ever.” (Hebrews 13:20-21)