These are wonderful God-loving, intelligent couples where one partner (or both) decides to end their marriage, breaking their covenantal vows to love, honor, and pledge themselves in marriage to each other for the rest of their lives.

God knows that sometimes a spouse can’t prevent or stop a divorce from happening (particularly when dangerous abusive behavior is involved or the other spouse is bent on divorcing) but still, there are many more times when more can be done to work on and heal a relationship, and yet the additional effort and sacrifice isn’t made.

This is particularly sad when one spouse sincerely repents and wakes up to the harm he or she has caused in the marriage but the other spouse decides he or she is done with the marriage, no matter what!

Please understand, this Marriage Message is not meant to throw stones, because which of us is without sin? Not us, or anyone. This particular message is intended to be a wake-up call to those who profess Christ who can prevent a divorce from happening when it shouldn’t.

The ministry of Marriage Missions came into being 8 years ago because God put it on our hearts to spend our lives encouraging Christians to apply the principles of loving (that we see throughout the Bible) and reveal the heart of Christ in and through our marriages as a living testimony to the glory of God.

As we see all the divorcing going on, we keep asking ourselves— what is happening to “followers” of Jesus Christ? We seem to be walking the same execution line toward the death of our marital relationships as those who don’t profess faith in Jesus Christ. As a matter of fact, there are entire web sites dedicated to disproving God because those who call themselves Christians don’t live out what they say they believe.

One web site in particular tells people to “Notice the divorce rate among Christians.” They point out “the divorce rate is even higher for Christians than for those who don’t believe in God” (which is sadly true). Thus, they conclude by saying, “The reason for the higher divorce rate among Christians is easy to see: God is imaginary.” I cried as I read that because of the “ammunition” we give doubters as we live our lives contrary to God’s will.

The question is, what makes us any different from “those who are in the world?” Our understanding of what we’re to be as followers of Christ is that we’re to “be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children” to “live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 5:1-2). By tearing apart our covenantal marital relationships and breaking our promises to Him and to each other, is this how we “imitate” God and give ourselves as a sacrifice to Him?

We’re also told in the Bible to be “like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in the very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death — even death on a cross!” (Philippians 2:2-8)

By divorcing, is our attitude the same as Christ? Is this what Jesus would do? Jesus said, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have love you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples if you love one another” (John 13:34-35). What love are we demonstrating to the world if the divorce rate within the church is even higher than the divorce rate among those who don’t have a personal relationship with Him?

“When all is said and done, a truly Christian home is by far the most powerful and persuasive evangelistic agency on earth. Without ever passing out a tract, preaching a sermon, or even saying a word, a Spirit-filled Christian home declares to all who come within reach that God will do for others what He has done for them, if they will only give Him a chance” (John Lavender).

We need to take it seriously that our lives are a letter written by God for the world to read — a visible picture of the love of Christ for His church. As it says in the Word of God, “You show that you are a letter from Christ, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts” (2 Corinthians 3:3). God has entrusted to us the privilege and responsibility to be His “living letters”.

A Christian marriage is a “visible picture” — a living example to the world, of the covenant God has with His people — of Christ’s love and relationship to His bride, the Church. The Bible refers to Christ as the Groom and the Church as His Bride.

So when we divorce, what does this say to the world of God’s promises to the Church of His love, faithfulness and devotion for them? And what example — what message are we giving out to others of the “transforming power” that God can perform in their lives and marriages, when we, ourselves, don’t even utilize that power? It’s a sad testimony, when our marriages are weak and unhealthy, not to mention all the divorcing that’s going on!

It’s our “mission” to help Christians see that marriage is at the heart of God’s message to the Church. It’s our deepest prayer that you’ll join us in this mission to build up and encourage each other in marriage so we reflect the love of God to a world that so desperately needs Him.

Find a marriage seminar or a marriage study series (whether CD’s, DVD’s, books and/or talking, encouraging and praying with each other) and consider having other couples join you to do this together to make more marriages stronger.

You can meet once a week, every other week, once a month or whatever you decide. The important thing is to take pro-active steps to help marriages become stronger and less vulnerable to destruction. There’s always room for improvement in every marriage, no matter what! Pray about what God would have you do to make marriage a “mission” — in your own marriage and to help other couples strengthen theirs as well.

God doesn’t just want our sacrifice to live out His principles as He calls us; He wants our obedience. (See 1 Samuel 15:22, Psalm 51:16-17, and Proverbs 21:3.) As someone told us yesterday, “Christians are educated way beyond obedience.” Living in a marriage where there’s no love and devotion can be a sacrifice, but loving as Christ does, takes obedience!

We pray you’ll join us to work together to obediently make our marriages the best they can be by demonstrating the love of Christ, not only to your spouse, but to everyone who is a witness to your life!

Cindy and Steve Wright

How many times have you heard (or said) similar statements to these:

“Well, he (or she) should know how I feel about _____ and how it would upset me.”

“He (or she) has eyes and must see I could use help… why do I have to ask for it? No one would have to ask me!”

“If I have to ask for _____, why bother? Do I have to spell out everything I need from him (or her)?”

Do any of the above statements and questions sound familiar? In our 37 plus years of marriage, we’ve foolishly used them all, plus a few more. Through experience though, we’ve learned that “when mind reading is taken out of the marriage as an expected form of communication, husbands and wives and families can be spared a multitude of unnecessary frustration.”

In the Bible God tells us, “By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures. A wise man has great power and a man of knowledge increases strength; for waging war you need guidance, and for victory many advisers.” (Proverbs 24:3-6).

So to help us to wage a victorious “war” against miscommunication, we’d like to share a few simple communication tools from some gifted advisers.

One idea comes from Dr Steve Stephens:

“‘Often when we get flustered, we don’t listen to each other,’ Stephens said. ‘And then even when we start to listen we interrupt the other person. ‘He suggests that couples flip a coin to determine who will talk first. The winner of the coin toss then has three minutes to talk without being interrupted by the other person. At the end of those three minutes, the other person has three minutes of uninterrupted time to respond.’” (From article “Fight Fair in Marriage” posted at CBN.com)

Another communication tool comes from Smart Marriages.com. A woman explained the following technique which helped her and her husband “when faced with daily decisions like: ‘Would you like to watch a movie?’ or, ‘Should we have my parents over Thursday?’ etc.” She explained:

“Sometimes it can be difficult to determine exactly how the other person really feels based on his/her response.’ So to take the mystery and guesswork out of the decision-making equation, we quantify our feelings about a particular proposal by ‘doing the numbers.’ Here’s how it works:

• “Formulate and state the question by saying, ‘How much would you like ____?’ and then end it with a statement of action like ‘to watch a movie? - or - ‘to have my parents over Thursday?’

• “Pause a moment to come up with a number between 1 and 10 that quantifies your feelings about the activity under consideration. Zero means that under no circumstances do you want to do it. Ten means you definitely want to do it. Five means you’re completely neutral.

• “When both spouses have a number in mind, count out loud to 3 and then state your respective numbers.

• “If the total of your numbers is 11 or greater, then do the activity. If the total of your numbers is 10 or less, then don’t do the activity.

“With this system you don’t end up doing things that neither of you really cares to do, nor does the more forceful personality inadvertently impose his or her will on the more reticent or easygoing spouse. Because you know that 11 is the cut-off and you share your numbers together at the same time, it’s possible to express an honest assessment of how much or little you want to do something without there being as much pressure — plus, it’s an easy enough tool for anyone to use. You can even have an index card on your refrigerator that outlines these basic steps so it’s handy to pull out and use whenever needed.”

Sandra Aldrich’s book Men Read Newspapers Not Minds (which is now out of print) gives another Communication Tool you could use. It’s called a “Creative Number Technique.” She wrote:

“While trying to make a decision as to whether to attend a family event my friend’s husband’s gentle resignation caught her attention. As she pondered the dilemma, she turned the invitation over and drew a chart — 5 squares in a row, numbered 1-5. She labeled each square in a row from 1-5. Then she labeled each square:

1. I really don’t want to do this.
2. I don’t want to do this, but I’m willing to talk about it.
3. I don’t care one way or another.
4. I’d like to do this, but I won’t die if we don’t.
5. Yes, this is very, very important to me.”

This lady’s husband surprised her with how strong he felt on the issue because he didn’t appear to have such strong feelings on the matter. After discussing the subject further, they came up with a plan that made them both agreeably happy with the decision. And as Sandra shares, “That good bonding time would never have happened if she hadn’t come up with a better way to communicate with her husband.”

This simple tool can also be written on an index card and put somewhere close for handy reference at the appropriate time.

Another communication tip you might use:

“Make a deal with your spouse that when you resolve the conflict, you will do something together that you both enjoy. This could be going out to dinner, watching a movie, or anything else that will motivate you to find a resolution quickly and then reconnect to each other in a loving way. ‘It just makes it a positive thing, because a lot of times arguments can go on forever and ever,’ Dr Steve Stephens said. ‘This way, you get a resolution and then just move on.’” (From article “Fight Fair in Marriage” posted at CBN.com)

If you want more tips like these you can find them on our web site in the “Communication Tools” section. Also, if you have a communication technique that you’ve found beneficial in your marriage, we hope you will post it on our web site to help others. It’s important to live, learn and pass it along so the positive ripple effect can multiply in its benefits.

“Others have done the hard work, and you have reaped the benefits of their labor” (John 4:38).

The Bible tells us, “Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice” (Proverbs 13:10). We pray the above tools will help you (and us) to leave pride behind and truly work toward approaching communication wisely.

Cindy and Steve Wright

There are even rules in our homes… imagine living in a home where anything goes as to the way everyone conducts themselves. What potential chaos!

Rules can protect us from ourselves and our natural inclination to do that which will cause the destruction of a family or a marriage. But why do we hesitate to put rules or guidelines into place to help us slow our tempers down so we resolve conflict in healthier ways — ways that reflect God’s heart? After-all, we’re told in the Bible:

“Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:30-32).

You HAVE to know that God’s heart is grieving when you fight with each other in ways that are so divisive and ungodly — let alone the horrible testimony that is being lived out as the world looks on. As Jesus said, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:34-35).

We urge you to PLEASE make it your mission today to do all you can to learn how to resolve your conflicts in healthy ways. Put together whatever rules and guidelines you can to help. Tape them on the refrigerator, a mirror, a wall, or wherever, until they are ingrained in the way you treat each other when you work out your conflicts with each other.

To help you in this quest, below you will find several guidelines for resolving conflict which you can glean through to compose your own list of guidelines, rules or commandments of the home —whatever you would like to call them. Plus we have articles posted on our web site in the “Communication and Conflict” and “Communication Tools” sections. We pray these will help:

GUIDELINES FOR RESOLVING CONFLICT

• “Discuss the Conflict as soon as possible. The old proverb, ‘time heals all wounds’ does not apply to conflicts in marriage. But the modern-day saying, ‘timing is everything’ does. When an irritating issue is unresolved, it builds emotional distance between you and your spouse. And just like a splinter, the issue gets under your skin and continues to fester until it is dealt with.

“When your spouse’s behavior bothers you, make a decision to confront your mate as soon as possible. If the issue needs your undivided attention, choose a time when no one else is around — even if you have to ask for a few minutes alone together.” (Simon Presland, from the article “How to Fight Fair”)

• “Take it Private and Keep it Private. Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don’t have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.” (Dr Phil McGraw, “How to Fight Fair”)

• “Avoid Personal Insults or Character Assassination. ‘Attacking your mate’s character is the best way to make an enemy for life’, says Pastor Luke. ‘To avoid this, it is important to see the issue as the problem —not your spouse. This is how God deals with us. He tells us of his infinite acceptance, yet confronts us on issues that do not line up with his word.’

“Stay focused on the issue at hand. This will help you remain objective and express your thoughts clearly without alienating your spouse through personal attacks.” (Simon Presland, “How to Fight Fair”)

“Remind the people… to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men” (Titus 3:2).

“If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other” (Galatians 5:15).

• Sometimes it’s Best to Take a “Time Out.” “Agree ahead of time to allow for a temporary ‘time out’ if either of you becomes too angry to continue.” (Mart DeHaan, from article “Rules for Fair Fighting”)

“Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city” (Proverbs 16:32).

“A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Proverbs 29:11).

• “Keep it Relevant. Don’t bring up old grudges or sore points when they don’t belong in a particular argument.” (Dr Phil McGraw, “How to Fight Fair”)

“In many marriages, confronting an issue is the gunpowder that ignites World War 3. Defenses kick in. Accusations fly. And by the time the smoke has cleared, spouses have bombed each other with everything that has happened since the day they were married.

“When you decide to face an issue, don’t allow yourself — or your mate — to drag in past hurts. Deal with one issue at a time. Make a rule between yourselves that if neither is willing to discuss a sore point as soon as it happens, then the issue cannot be used as ammunition for future fights.” (Simon Presland, from article “How to Fight Fair”)

• Build Relationship Bridges, Not Walls. “The goal of any disagreement should be to understand each other’s feelings and strive toward an amiable compromise. With that goal in mind, let’s consider … Below-the-belt Tactics to Avoid:

1. Dragging others into the argument (’Well, my mom says…’)
2. Giving the silent treatment
3. Yelling or crying to get your way
4. Spewing destructive criticism (’You suck the joy out of everything!’
5. Using sarcasm
6. Issuing threats and ultimatums
7. Getting defensive
8. Using buzz words (always, never, hate, divorce)
9. Expecting him [or her] to read your mind.” (Shannon Ethridge, “Fighting Fair”)

• “Confront to Heal, Not to Win. Some people view conflict and confrontation as a win-lose situation. These spouses see being right as far more important than the marital relationship. But working out a hurtful issue is not about who’s right and who’s wrong. Your goal should be not to win, but to confront a conflict and restore the harmony in your relationship.

“Whenever possible, the solution to a problem should benefit both parties. When both spouses feel good about a resolution, it will reestablish the emotional bond between the two of you. Confronting to heal instead of to win will keep your marriage on healthy ground.” (Simon Presland, “How to Fight Fair”)

“Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification” (Romans 14:19).

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry for a man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” (James 1:19-20)

“I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:1-3)

“Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ” (Philippians 1:27).

This is our prayer for how we ALL conduct ourselves in our marriages.

Steve and Cindy Wright

The homes we are building — within our lives and our marriages, are not all about us — they are actually more about God’s Kingdom work being done here on earth. Yes, God wants to lavish His love and gifts upon us, but He also looks beyond our individual comforts and weaves them into His Kingdom work — for the greater good of all.

As you read John chapter 1 in the Bible, you will see that through Him and in Him and for Him, all things were created. God delights in us, but everything is not ALL about us. We are part of a body, created to be in communion with each other and with God. Those of us who try to live in denial of that truth contribute to the problems in this world… and in our marriages in particular.

In last week’s Marriage Message, we talked about marriage not being all about OUR satisfaction — that God has a higher purpose on many different levels that we as human beings cannot even comprehend. But there’s something that author Julianne Slattery wrote, that we’d like to expand upon a bit in this message. She wrote:

“If a marriage is ultimately about getting our own needs met, then marriage is over when intimacy fails. However, marriage can also be viewed as something beyond our needs. It’s often the ultimate test of our values and character. Like no other relationship, marriage can highlight our fears and selfishness. It’s essentially a ministry. The way we respond in marriage reflects our core beliefs and our very reason for living.

“Being a faithful and loving spouse ultimately relies upon our choice to be faithful to God. Especially when a husband or wife is unlovable, continuing in the marriage is only possible when our life means more than finding pleasure, fulfillment, and happiness.”

She goes on to say,

“If being married isn’t about getting needs for intimacy and companionship met, then what’s the purpose? Although God’s design is for a husband and a wife to become one, the reality of marriage falls short. Marriage is a mystery that’s meant to awaken and illuminate our hunger for Christ.”

What it comes down to is: your spouse is not to be your God. We have an article on our web site in the “For Married Women” section which is titled “Your Husband is Not Your God.” The same principle is true in reverse concerning wives. God did not create your spouse to be a substitute for Himself, but instead to be His colleague in demonstrating love to us.

Sadly we put too many expectations upon our spouse to do the job alone. And frankly, because our spouse is human, he/she will often fail in doing their part. And so do we in different ways as well (we just look at our “failures” with different eyes — excusing our failings). When this happens, it’s all the more important to look to Christ to help us, as we hunger for love and righteousness.

Another way God mysteriously uses marriage “to awaken and illuminate our hunger for Christ” is the way in which our spouse seems to be able to bring our flaws out into the open. I never realized how selfish, petty, short-tempered, how lazy at times I could be, along with being prideful and vengeful until I married Steve and he pushed just the right emotional buttons within me and out popped those characteristics.

Yes, I blamed him for doing the pushing, but in reality, they were character flaws that were buried deep until the “perfect storm” of marriage brought them out into the open. I now realize God knew that and allowed Steve to reveal them.

I also know that whenever they (or any other flaws or sins) come out, I have two choices.

1. I can blame my husband for doing whatever he did to get me to that point (which is often just him being himself and me reacting in an exaggerated and/or sinful way).
2. I can realize that God and I have more work to do together to root out that which I shouldn’t be holding onto and so that I can “participate” in God’s “divine nature.” And the same goes for you.

“For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

“But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. Therefore, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” (2 Peter 1:5-11).

With this in mind, we challenge you (as we challenge ourselves) to look at that which you can “add to” and that which you are personally responsible for, which is causing problems in your marriage. You can’t control what your husband or wife does, but you CAN control YOUR actions. Whatever problems you are contributing to in your relationship, make it your mission to work on those issues in partnership with God.

Don’t allow pride, feelings of inadequacy, or whatever you may have going on in your mind that is deceiving you into thinking that you cannot or should not work on your own “stuff”. Resources and tools are available to help you as the Wonderful Counselor, your Holy Spirit, will reveal (and we have many of these tools on our web site). As followers in Christ, keep persevering.

“Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:4).

When you are facing trials in your relationship and in life, ask the Lord what you can learn through it all. Participate with Him in redeeming that which is problematic — don’t add to the problem, learn and apply all you can to persevere and grow despite the painful way it is presented.

In light of this, Steve and I would like to pass a prayer that was sent to us, on to you:

We pray you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
We pray you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
We pray you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
We pray you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
We pray you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
We pray you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
We pray you enough hellos to get you through the good-byes you experience.

We are asking God to: “Fill you with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God” (Colossians 1:9b-10).

“May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!” (Romans 15:5-6)

“May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)

Cindy and Steve Wright

There’s an article that appeared in Marriage Partnership Magazine titled “It’s Not About Satisfaction” written by Julianna Slattery that we’d like to take excerpts from because it’s so rich in wisdom. It was adapted from Julianna’s book “Finding the Hero in Your Husband: Surrendering the Way God Intended.” Here’s part of what Julianna writes:

“The Bible says, ‘Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it’ (Psalm 127:1). In marriage, we must recognize the importance of God in all that we do. We cannot build our house without Him. Perhaps this is why all of our efforts can feel like we’re beating our head against a brick wall. Although we can influence our spouse, we cannot ultimately change his or her heart.

“The temptation to give up on marriage because it’s disappointing or unsatisfying is what overwhelms many spouses. This is particularly true in a culture that’s so focused on self-fulfillment. If a marriage is ultimately about getting our own needs met, then marriage is over when intimacy fails.

“However, marriage can also be viewed as something beyond our needs. It’s often the ultimate test of our values and character. Like no other relationship, marriage can highlight our fears and selfishness. It’s essentially a ministry. The way we respond in marriage reflects our core beliefs and our very reason for living.

“Being a faithful and loving spouse ultimately relies upon our choice to be faithful to God. Especially when a husband or wife is unlovable, continuing in the marriage is only possible when our life means more than finding pleasure, fulfillment, and happiness.

“When marriage is viewed as a calling or ministry, hope resurfaces in the midst of broken dreams. The hope is no longer that the frog will turn into Prince (or Princess) Charming. There’s instead, hope that God can be glorified through what seems like a tragedy. It’s only in seeking God and His plan to build the “house” that forgiveness and unconditional love can infuse life into a dead marriage.

“If being married isn’t about getting needs for intimacy and companionship met, then what’s the purpose? Although God’s design is for a husband and a wife to become one, the reality of marriage falls short. Marriage is a mystery that’s meant to awaken and illuminate our hunger for Christ.

“Throughout the Bible, there are references describing marriage as a metaphor for Christ and His people. It’s through the marriage experience that a woman can understand her longing for a bridegroom who’ll love and sacrifice unconditionally. The emptiness and disappointments that surface in marriage aren’t supposed to signal the end of hope, but begin the need for true hope. Marriage isn’t meant to satisfy, but to ignite the passion for which we were created — intimacy with God.

“Although God may ask you to persevere through a marriage that’s disappointing and unfulfilling, your needs are important to Him. He doesn’t ask you to ignore your longing for love and companionship, but to trust Him with them. Psalm 146:3 says, ‘Don’t put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save.’ Even the best spouse cannot provide salvation—spiritually or emotionally. No matter how good your marriage, you’ll go through times of drought. Your spouse was never meant to satisfy you completely, nor you him or her.

“Perhaps the most touching conversation Jesus had with a human while on earth was with the Samaritan woman as recorded in the Bible in John Chapter 4. This woman had been married 5 times and was currently living with someone to whom she wasn’t married. She was thirsty for love. Try as she might, the affection of a man never satisfied her. She probably hoped that the next guy just might be the hero she was longing for.

“Jesus knew her thirst for love, just as He knows yours. He said to her, ‘Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life’ (John 4:13).

“Is your well dry? Do you feel as though you have little to give your spouse? How can you love when he or she has given you nothing? The answer is Jesus. Imagine a well of love springing up inside of you. No longer are you dependent on your spouse’s touch or compliment to make it through the day. Only Jesus is able to love perfectly.

“You can only invest in your marriage when your life and your happiness don’t depend on the success of finding the hero in your husband or savior in your wife. If wives are desperate for knights in shining armor, they won’t be able to vanquish their insecurities and disappointments long enough to invest in mortal husbands. Instead, you must depend on God and His provision for your ultimate worth and stability. Only then can you freely obey God’s wisdom rather than your fears.

“Intimacy with your spouse is a goal worthy of your attention and efforts. However, there are many happily married people who are spiritually dead. A great marriage is a good thing, but it’s not the best thing. Both the excitement of a growing marriage and the despair of brokenness are chances to seek and glorify the Lord.

“What an inspiration the apostle Paul was in his letter to the Philippians when he wrote, ‘I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength’ (Philippians 4:12-13).“

AMEN! We couldn’t think of a way to say it any better. To read the above article again in its entirety, please click HERE.

Also, it would be good to pass these thoughts onto other Christians who are married or are about to get married. The enemy of our faith wants us to distort what marriage is all about. It’s not about us — it’s about “living Christ.”

Is how you’re living distracting you from living Christ in your marriage? Are you showing love to your spouse as Christ loves the Church?

It’s our prayer that we’ll all remember our “first love.” Jesus said the “greatest commandment is: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” You can’t get a closer neighbor than your spouse.

The question is:

What have you done TODAY to love your spouse “as unto the Lord?”
And don’t forget to plan for tomorrow as well.

Cindy and Steve Wright

“Planning is bringing the future into the present so you can do something about it now.”

It’s not the plan that is as important as the planning and connecting together as husband and wife TO plan. Otherwise it’s as if you are two separate people occupying the same house who do their own thing and sometimes bump into each other. That’s not what marriage is intended to be!

As Jim Elliot said, “Wherever you are, be all there.” That’s especially true when it comes to marriage and interacting and planning together as a family.

Alone we can do some things… and sometimes even do them well, but together we can do so much more — if we come together with intentionality and cooperate as a team to plan for the future and look back at what was.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend [spouse] can help him up! But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)

On that note, we’d like to share something with you that has helped us in our effort to live in loving partnership together that may benefit your marriage also.

Every week or so, it’s good schedule a “planning time” with each other. We’ve personally found that it’s important to schedule it because if we don’t, life will slide right between us until soon, not only aren’t we on the “same page” with each other, we aren’t even in the same chapter!

We pray the following guideline will be a wonderful help to you. Please feel free to adapt this to best benefit your own marriage:

PLANNING TIMES WITH YOUR SPOUSE:

Look at your calendar as a couple every week or so to be in one accord with what is happening (or needs to happen) in your life together. Make this time a priority and protect it from interruptions. You can even have a “Planning Time Notebook” with this guideline and other important information in it to use your planning time most productively.

Make sure you both talk AND listen to each other (without interrupting), giving your undivided attention and eye contact. These planning times are to benefit your relationship.

“Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another…” (Hebrews 1-:24)

If you find that they’re causing tension between you, work on this communication problem together at another time. You’re to work as a team, not as opponents. “Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved” (Barbara Johnson).

If you’re having trouble communicating and resolving conflicts in healthy ways, make it your focused mission to improve upon that issue in your marriage to be UNITED with God and with each other.

FOR EACH PLANNING TIME TOGETHER:

• Coordinate  your calendars and decide if you’re in or out of balance on activities you have scheduled. Ask yourselves: “Do we need to change anything?” (Work towards agreement on commitments that will affect the family before you say, “yes” to anything.)

• Schedule fun dating times with each other. (You dated each other before marriage which helped you fall in love; date each other now to help STAY in love.) Make sure your dating times are reserved for doing fun things together. This isn’t to be a time to talk about serious matters —it’s a time for you to enjoy each other’s company.

• Discuss your family goals and ministry goals. Have goals that you’re mutually in agreement with and working on together as husband and wife. This keeps your relationship alive and growing together rather than apart.

• Share with each other your “80/20″ goals for the month. These are goals which will improve your life by 80 per cent but will require only 20 per cent of your time and effort. (This could include organizing or finishing a project that’s been bothering either of you for a long time.)

• Share with and encourage each other in your hopes and dreams and personal goals (e.g. self-study, dieting, reading, exercising, hobbies you want to pursue, pursuing further education, or just having some “Rest and Relaxation” time that’s important to you.)

• Plan a “House Task” update: Divide tasks in the house so you’re both in agreement. Decide together who is going to be in charge of what responsibility.

• Have a quick budget review and ask yourselves:

1. Where are we?
2. Are we off balance in any area of our finances?
3. Do we need to make any adjustments and if so, where and how?
4. What’s the next major household expenditure we need to make?
5. And what do we need to do now to make sure we have the money for it?

• Discuss future vacation times. (Talk about what arrangements still need to be made and who’s in charge of doing what.)

• Decide when you’re to have your next planning time.

• Work on other concerns that need your attention so you’re on the same page as a couple. Bring up major discussion points that need to be talked through.

Remember: “Don’t let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29).

This can be a great time for a SANDWICH DISCUSSION. Each of you is to:

… Say some thing(s) you appreciate about your spouse.

… Tell your spouse some thing(s) that are bothering you. (You should limit this to no more than two as it can be overwhelming to your spouse if you’re giving them a “laundry list” of concerns.)

… Tell your spouse (again) something you also appreciate about them.

This is to sandwich the “tougher meat” of what needs to be said in between appreciation, which is also important to communicate —otherwise the other spouse may never know what you appreciate about them. Keep in mind that we’re to “Speak the truth in love.” (Ephesians 4:15)

• Ask each other what you can be praying about for them in the upcoming days.

• Close your time by PRAYING TOGETHER. Try to work at getting comfortable praying aloud with and for each other. (You may feel awkward at first but eventually you’ll be blessed by it. This is too important of a part of your relationship to neglect.)

We hope you find this template helpful.  We know it can be daunting at first. But trust us, if you can implement only a portion of this plan —especially to begin with, it will help de-stress your marriage and help you keep focused on things that truly matter.

“Good plans shape good decisions.”

“May He give you the desires of your heart and make all your plans succeed.” (Psalm 20:4)

Cindy and Steve Wright

My husband, Jeff, and I had just relocated to this town, and although he was not a Christian at the time, Jeff was supportive of my desire to get involved in my new church.

I quickly made friends and started serving in different areas of church life, such as helping in the nursery and planning women’s retreats.

Over the course of time, I developed a close friendship with the pastor and his wife. And as the months turned into years, my relationship with the pastor became overly-familiar and far too close.

Many times when the pastor’s wife and I were having lunch at their home, her husband would drop by for awhile and we would all chat. Since the pastor and I had similar personalities we found each other charming, witty, and irresistibly funny. We could laugh and talk for hours.

Our “friendship” eventually escalated to the point where we were talking on the phone almost every day. Of course Jeff had no idea that the pastor and I were in daily contact. This was something I was hiding from him.

Although we mainly discussed benign topics such as church business or our mutual friends, in my heart of hearts I knew it was inappropriate behavior. The phone calls were starting to thrill me —which was alarming in and of itself. And I felt conscience-stricken about allowing this too close friendship to continue.

Yet, instead of responding to the “red light” of a guilty conscience by shutting down the friendship, I was drawn even closer to the pastor by my pride and a refusal to heed the warning signs.

In desperation I called up my trusted friend Debbie who lived in another state. She listened patiently as I poured out my heart to her. I held nothing back, doing my best to be as transparent as possible.

Her counsel was that I leave that church immediately. During our long, tearful conversation, she literally begged me to get out of the pastor’s life that day, and to run to a different church, as if my life depended on it.

I vowed that I would obey her warning. I promised to do exactly as she said. I pledged to extract myself from this man’s life quickly. But ultimately, I chose not to.

You see, at first I was convinced that Debbie’s advice was correct. Then, little by little, I decided that I could handle the pastor’s escalating attention. Leaving a church I loved so dearly seemed too drastic. So on I went, careening recklessly through another red light.

My world came crashing down one hot July afternoon. I had put my little boy down for a nap and was enjoying my daily chat on the phone with the pastor  —when he revealed his interest in me as more than just a friend.

In hindsight all I can say is “duh!” Spending copious amounts of time getting to know someone of the opposite sex is called “dating”. What did I expect to happen?

His declaration of romantic interest propelled me into the worst season of my life, and what ensued was a three month inappropriate relationship. Eventually the elders found out about it, and I was asked to leave the church immediately. Within a few months the pastor was asked to resign his position, and he and his family moved to another state.

After I left the church I confessed the whole ugly situation to my husband. To say he was disappointed would be an understatement. Jeff was understandably hurt and angry, but he forgave me. And ultimately, he took great comfort in the knowledge that nothing had happened physically between the pastor and me.

The Turning Point

Honesty and transparency marked the beginning of the restoration of my marriage. During the first few weeks of the rebuilding process I spent much time in prayer; repentance, a cry for renewal, and the revitalization of my marriage were predominate in my conversations with God.

It was during these weeks of prayer that I had what can only be described as a “supernatural curtain pull.” Like the old game show Let’s Make a Deal, God pulled back the curtain of my dulled and wounded emotions with a flourish and said “Ta Da! Look who you married!”

And I saw it! I saw an honorable man, an intelligent man, a caring and steady man. It was at that point in my life that I began to actively revel in the man that was mine alone.

It’s Your Turn

Now it’s your opportunity to take notice of the unique and extraordinary gift that is right in front of your eyes. This revelation does not come after your husband loses forty-five pounds, or your wife goes through extensive therapy, or your mate agrees to buy that new home you’ve been hoping for.

Instead, it comes when the Lord shows you just who you are married to. Our spouses may not be perfect, but with very few exceptions, most of them have worthy qualities just waiting to be noticed and esteemed. Each is a prize in his or her own right!

Maybe as you sit reading this article, your “prize” is drooling and dreaming in his La-Z-Boy chair. Or perhaps she’s nursing the baby in two-day old clothing that smells of “spit up”.

Whatever the particular circumstances surrounding you and your mate, now is the time to ask God to wow you with a curtain pull. And to that end, let’s discuss two key ways in which you can position yourself to receive this “marriage enhancing” revelation.

• Key 1: Loving Actions Produce Loving Feelings

Feelings follow actions, not the other way around. All too often, we plan to act a certain way once we genuinely feel that way. We say things like, “As soon as my wife starts doing the things I’ve asked her to do, I’ll be more loving.” Or, “If my husband would only stop irritating me, I’d be a nicer wife!”

But the truth is our feelings will follow the actions we take. We’ll feel more loving after we begin to act more loving. Our eyes will be opened to our husband or wife’s superior qualities as we begin to actively notice and esteem them.

When I teach this principle at women’s retreats, I’m occasionally approached by women who say something like, “Paula, I’m not going to act all lovey-dovey with my husband if I’m not feeling it!”

But to believe that you cannot act a certain way until you genuinely, fully, and resolutely feel that way is incorrect, and it allows your emotions to dictate the course of your marriage.

And more importantly, it will impede that “curtain pull” you’re hoping for. An important first step in facilitating a new outlook and perspective on your mate is by continually choosing to take loving and nurturing actions toward him or her.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not talking about pretending to be an ever smiling, perfectly coiffed, Stepford-spouse who never discusses anything negative with their mate. On the contrary, communication is of prime importance in marriage.

What I am saying is that ultimately we are in charge of our own emotions, and we can choose just how we will act. Our fragile, frenzied feelings aren’t in charge. The godly person inside of us — the one who desires to honor God with our lives and marriages —that’s who’s in charge!

• Key 2: Learn to Overlook Your Spouses Faults

When it comes to overlooking your husband or wife’s faults I’m not suggesting overlooking addiction, abuse, or neglect. I’m talking about overlooking those annoying little personality quirks that seemed tolerable when you and your spouse were first dating.

Maybe your wife is a pack rat, saving every toy the kids ever played with — for sentimental reasons. Or your husband’s a neat freak, and you have three kids in a house that will never be picked up to his standards. Does he talk with his mouth full — does she pick her teeth in public — perhaps he laughs too loudly at social gatherings?

Whatever his or her particular foibles, they need to be overlooked if you want to live in peace with your spouse.

It’s true that marriage can be challenging at times — but it also can be fulfilling, comforting, and joyous. If we want to enjoy our marriages, and experience our own “Ta Da!” moments, it’s important to keep our sense of humor intact and our minds focused on our mate’s good qualities.

Overlooking another’s faults means to literally “look over the top of the faults” to see the person you love standing on the other side. You love your spouse. You don’t love their faults —but you do love them?

So what about it? Are you ready for your own curtain pull? You better brace yourself — it’s gonna be good! In fact, maybe you ought to sit down for this. Get ready now - are you ready? Okay then, here it comes:

Ta-da! Look who you married!

The above article was excerpted from the book, The Man You’ve Always Wanted is the One You Already Have, written by Paula Friedrichsen Preview or Purchase This Book Now.

This book gives candid revelations about the inappropriate relationship that nearly destroyed the author’s marriage and will help you see that no man compares to the one you already have. In this book you will discover how to: Embrace the differences between you and your spouse, revel in the freedom of forgiveness, and draw near to the only true Source of lasting fulfillment.

The author Paula Friedrichsen is also a conference speaker as well as an author.  She lives with her husband and daughter in Northern California. You can contact Paula on her web site at www.PFMinistries.com.

The above article was used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.

Two lovebirds, out on a limb,
One is a “her” — the other a “him.”
After they married, they built their own nest,
And that’s when their lives began a new quest.

In the beginning their love conquered all.
Then after a while she started to bawl,
“Why don’t you love me as much as before?
All of a sudden you’ve become a big bore.

“You go off to work — then come home to eat,
you pick up the remote, and put up your feet,
And the rest of the evening all that I see,
is you flipping the channels on that stupid TV.

“What’s happened to your promise — to love and adore?
I feel so neglected, why do you ignore
the children and me, and all of our needs?
And look at the lawn — it’s turning to weeds!”

He looked up for a moment and said, “Don’t YOU start;
I’m working long hours. I’m doing MY part.
I’m tired of the nagging; I need time to chill,
I feel like all day I’ve been running up hill.
You crab and you nag, and you criticize me.
I just need some peace… how blind can you be?”

You pick me apart and then you’re amazed
why I close my ears and instead look dazed.
I feel so belittled and worthless and small
But when I am elsewhere, others make me feel tall.”

And now these two Lovebirds are really out on a limb.
One is a “her” and the other a “him.”
Their love’s been reduced to accusations and fights,
seeking their own ways, and defending THEIR “rights.”
Where’ s their promise to love, honor, and cherish?
Without God’s help this marriage could perish.

You see, marriage is a covenant… a promise to keep;
When God is your center, the benefits you’ll reap.
A cord of 3 strands is not quickly broken;
put into practice the words God has spoken.
We’re to live as He said, “Be imitators of Me”
just as Christ lived His life sacrificially.

Submit to each other “as unto the Lord,”
giving each one preference — and live in one accord.
For love is patient, unselfish, and kind.
It doesn’t hold grudges — or shame and remind
each spouse of faults they’re trying to erase.
There are times we all need unmerited grace.

We’re to love as God loves — our vows we’re to keep,
showing others who need Him that His love is deep.
He doesn’t give up, and neither should we.
If we love like He does, it is Christ they will see.

As the love birds we spoke of, opened their eyes,
They knew what to do… and to their surprise
God helped them to love beyond human reason
and take their marriage to a brand new season,
of helping and caring and showing their love
just as Jesus Christ gives love, over and above.

So now those Lovebirds are no longer on a limb.
The one being a “her” — the other a “him.”
Their home honors Christ. They’re now partners, who love,
each other and Christ, and their Father above.

There’s a moral to what God inspired us to write that reaches beyond the surface. It distinguishes the difference between love as the “world gives” versus the love of Christ which is forever — despite that which assaults it. God’s love is what we’re to give each other when we marry.

Love as the world gives can be more spontaneous and many think it should come “more natural.” That makes human sense. It says: “I will love you as long as…” or “I will love you until I decide our love is no longer viable.” Then after that time it’s “to each, their own.”

But that isn’t Godly love. Godly love is “patient” … it is “kind. It does not envy. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love [true, Biblical love] does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

There’s nothing easy in giving this type of love. It’s takes pure determination and perseverance to love, unlike how the world loves. But it is Godly, and it is Christ-like.

When we love like God loves, there WILL be pain involved, and suffering… just as Christ suffered — because of love. But for the greater good of our marriages, families, communities, and more importantly… Kingdom work, we must PUT ON LOVE to get off of the worldly limb.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Colossians 3:12-14).

We pray your love for each other will be given perfect unity through of the love of Christ,
Cindy and Steve Wright

(To see previous questions, visit our archive)

“For most people, doubts begin with tiny hints, fleeting thoughts. ‘I wonder what my life would have been like if I had married my old boyfriend? I bet he wouldn’t take me for granted like my husband does!’ Sometimes these good feelings are simply neutralized, replaced by numbness. Sometimes they are malignantly transformed like healthy cells transmogrified into cancer cells, from feelings of love into feelings of contempt, distrust, and despair.”

“…There’s no more respect and trust between you. You can’t communicate. You’re always angry. You’re bored. You’re numb. You’re constantly on the defensive. Doubt can quickly turn into panic. ‘Time is passing — will my entire life be wasted because I made the wrong choice.?’ Panic is often accompanied by depression. The future looks hopeless. Nothing fits. Nothing makes sense. Nothing can be counted on anymore.

“…You may be at a place in your life where you’ve concluded that despite your good intentions, despite all of your hopes and dreams, despite what seemed like the right choice at the time, you married the wrong person. If this is your situation, you may have three choices of how to proceed: you can get divorced. You can force yourself to stay in the marriage despite the pain, or you can consider the possibility that, instead of marrying the wrong person, you created the wrong marriage, and you can take steps to forge a new marriage to the same person.” (Richard Matteson, Janis Long, from the book, What if I Married the Wrong Person)

We’re praying that if the above scenario is what you’re living through, you will make the choice to “forge a new marriage to the same person.” No one would ever testify that this would be easy. But God, whose very name means LOVE can teach you how to love the one you married. And making the DECISION to participate with God in this is a huge part of the mission.

“The world says, ‘If it feels good, do it. And when it doesn’t feel good anymore, leave.” God says, ‘I have made a covenant with you, and you have made a covenant with one another. I will give you what you need to keep that covenant.’ And our wedding rings stand as a symbol of that promise to one another before God.” (Marlene Bagnull, from the book: For Better, For Worse)

As you look at your wedding ring, use it as an inspiration realizing that God will never tell you it will be easy to do what it takes to “fall” in love with your spouse, but with God helping you, “all things are possible.” It will take intentionality and the continual decision to make choices to choose love over “what may come naturally” until prayerfully your feelings catch up with your actions. As one author said,

“Love is not easy or simple. It is an art that I must want to learn and pour my life into. This principle corrects a common misconception, that is easy to love, requiring neither thought nor effort. In other words, that is just a matter of doing what comes naturally!

“The fact is that love is costly. It requires much from the lover even when the giving is pure joy. If you do what comes naturally you will be wrong almost every time. Again, the Bible has the information we need on how to love. The most concentrated lessons on the art of loving your mate can be found in the Song of Solomon.

“Love is an active power that I can control by my own will. I am not the helpless slave of love. We are barraged by propaganda suggesting that love is an uncontrollable feeling that comes and goes like a wayward sparrow. Most of the boy-meets-girl plots of films and television are based on the premise that love is a feeling that just happens. Or else it doesn’t happen.

“The truth is that love is an active power that you were meant to control by your own will. You can choose to love; you can do what is necessary to restore love to your marriage; and you can refuse to be enslaved by passing emotions.

“…Most people consider feeling to be of supreme importance. But the truth is that reason —what you think about love —is what controls your behavior. The desired feelings come as a result of right thinking and right actions.” (Dr Ed Wheat with Glora Okes Perkins, from the book, The Healthy Marriage Handbook by Marriage Partnership Magazine)

But how do you cause yourself to “fall in love” after you’ve made the decision to do what it takes to first love by actions? What do you do?

If you thought this would be an article that would give you 10 points to make that happen and you could do what it says, and all of a sudden — you fall in love, we’re sorry to say this isn’t what we can give you. Our intention is to help to motivate you to START the mission of “putting the heart of Christ” into your marriage — to love by “word and deed” that the Bible talks about.

What we’ve learned (by experience in our own once “broken” marriage and observing others who also walked this journey) is that the principles for loving are the principles for living as outlined and talked about throughout the Bible. As you apply God’s principles, and you prayerfully live by the guidance of the Holy Spirit — our “Wonderful Counselor” HE will teach you how to love your spouse in an individual way, such as you never would have known before.

Also, to help you a bit more we’re including in this article several links to articles posted on different web sites that might help you. Cindy Wilson (as told by Simon Presland) relates her own story where she says that not only did she come to believe that they never loved each other, she realized that they “never even liked each other.” But eventually God helped them to create a love together that they never thought they could have. Their seeming incompatibility didn’t stop this from happening.

Also, author Nancy Kennedy testifies in her article that she and her husband agreed that they “never should have married.” But in her article she explains “what we did about it.”

And then finally, Brett Williams, who is a Marriage/Family Therapist and author, explains how it takes more than casual dating one another as husband and wife to fall in love with each other again and stay in love.

To visit the web sites where these testimonials and articles are posted and read them what they have to say, click onto the links provided below:

• We Never Loved Each Other

• Did We Make a Mistake?

• I Love You But I’m Not in Love With You

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

If you have seen it (or you are going to watch it), the following questions and “Personal Points to Ponder” are provided to help you and your spouse discuss what you have experienced from the movie:

• Caleb and Catherine obviously had a lot of problems to work through in their marriage. Do you think their problems were “unique” to them or do you think they are pretty universally experienced — even with Christians? Explain.

• Who was more at “fault” for the near failure of their marriage — Caleb or Catherine? Explain.

Co-writer/director Alex Kendrick says the old adage “Never leave your partner behind” has “significance to non-firefighters” as well. In a television interview aired September 25, 2008 on the Dr Phil Show (www.drphil.com) he said,

“You know, it’s now national policy for firefighters: two in, two out. If you go to a fire, you stay with your partner, you go in and you come out, and that applies to marriage as well. You’re going to go through fire. The meaning of Fireproof is not that fire will never come, but when it comes, you can withstand it. And the only way to do that is to purposefully stay together, to have a higher standard than living just for yourself, but in meeting the other person’s needs.”

• Think of one thing that impressed you or that you learned from this movie that could help you to meet your spouse’s needs and improve your marriage relationship? Share what it is and how you think you can implement it.

• What was it about the “Love Dare” that impressed you?

In the movie, there is a scene where Caleb and his wife Catherine are involved in an explosive argument about being disrespected. Dr Phil asked Kirk Cameron, who played Caleb, if that was a hard scene for him to do. He replied,

“That was difficult, yeah. I’ve always said to myself, ‘You don’t go there. You’re not going to go there. You don’t just turn into an ugly beast on the person whom you love most. But I know that that is all too real for a lot of people because it just wells up and it comes out like a volcano.”

• How did this scene affect you? Could you identify with this level of friction?

Dennis Rainey, host of the radio program, “Family Life Today” www.familylife.com, said the following (during a 3 day broadcast aired September 24, 25, 26, 2008) concerning the above mentioned scene in the movie,

“I wonder if this is not going to be used by God for a man to be exposed to his own behavior in like a mirror, where physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse is happening. He’s going to finally see how disrespectful and how demeaning it is to a woman.”

To that, producer Stephen Kendrick replied,

“It’s interesting, Dennis, you used the word ‘mirror,’ because I believe that God uses a spouse to be like a mirror to us, and He will reveal to us how selfish we are, how greedy we can be, and how we’ll claim our own rights. There’s nothing like a wife to reveal to her husband his real nature.”

“You know, if the people who respect him at work lived with him and had to be in that kind of relationship with him, they may realize who he is. But a spouse brings it out of us. And God did that on purpose, because a marriage relationship is supposed to really be a discipleship to the Lord to form us into the image of Christ. If we’ll see it that way rather than resisting this person, we’ll say, ‘God, you’re revealing things that are not like Jesus that are in me that need to be dealt with so that I can more like Him.’”

• What are your thoughts on what Dennis and then Stephen said about God using marriage as a “mirror” to reveal our “real nature”?

PERSONAL POINTS TO PONDER: Have you experienced anger with your spouse that “wells up and comes out like a volcano?” After (and if) it “wells up”, have you given yourself permission to “go there” — to say things in such a manner that has turned you “into an ugly beast on the person whom you love the most?”

If so, we encourage you to pray together, asking the Lord to help you work through your future times of conflict. You may do this through talking together once, twice, or several times until you both feel you have figured out how to make your times of disagreements less explosive and disrespectful.

We have numerous articles and “tools” to help you in this journey posted and linked to, on our web site. You may even need a pastor, mentor couple, or counselor help you work through these issues until you BOTH feel you can resolve conflict in healthy ways. You CAN do this, and we encourage to do so.

On the Dr Phil program mentioned above, Dr Phil asked Executive Producer Michael Catt, “Is forgiveness and unconditional love a real message in this movie?” To that Michael replied,

“Oh, absolutely. I think people give up. One of the messages is that she’s getting bad counsel. All of her friends are saying, ‘Get a divorce.’ He’s getting good counsel to love and to forgive. I think who we listen to affects how we look at our marriage. We’re influenced by the voices around us, and we need to pay attention to the people who are telling us what we need to hear, not what we want to hear.”

• Each of you reflect and ask yourselves personally: Do I need to make changes in whom or what I listen to? Explain to your marriage partner what the Lord is impressing upon your heart.

• Think of one couple you know that really needs to see this movie. What can you do to get them to see it? (Suggestions: Pray for them; invite them to “double-date” with you to go see it; maybe offer to baby sit their kids so they can go out alone. Then, after they see it, give them a copy of these questions to go through them as a couple.)

TO PREVIEW OR PURCHASE THE BOOK, which was featured in the movie, please click onto the link provided below:

The LOVE DARE

A few additional resources that you may GREATLY benefit from obtaining are:

• FIREPROOF YOUR MARRIAGE Couple’s Kit
Preview or Purchase This Product.

• FIREPROOF YOUR MARRIAGE Leader’s Kit with Books and DVD
Preview or Purchase This Product.

• FIREPROOF YOUR MARRIAGE Participants Guide
Preview or Purchase This Book.

For more discussion questions,
please click onto the following web site link below:

FIREPROOF DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

There is also a series of Marriage Sermons and Marriage Illustrations that could possibly help you as you reach out to improve your marriage. To see what they offer, please click onto the link provided below:

FIREPROOF SERMONS AND ILLUSTRATIONS

To listen to, or read the transcripts for the Family Life Today 3 part radio interview series titled, “Making Movies for God’s Glory” conducted by Dennis Rainey and the writers, producer, and Kirk Cameron, please click onto the links provided below:

• LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION

• NEVER LEAVE YOUR PARTNER BEHIND?

• ENTERTAINMENT WITH A MESSAGE

Also, below you will find a link to the great web site for the Association of Marriage and Family Ministries (AMFM). This website has been created for you as an individual or couple to journal your 40 Day Love Dare^TM experience. On this site you can write your own personal entries capturing your experiences (totally private), and have access to their general blog. You can also use the message board to ask questions and interact with others on the journey.

To take advantage of this opportunity, please click onto the link provided below:

40 DAY LOVE DARE

There are additional blogs you can read, centering on this movie, that are posted on the web site: www.fireproofthemovie.com. Please click onto the link provided below to read:

FIREPROOF BLOGS

“Have you and your spouse been so angry at each other that you’ve gone your separate ways and stopped interacting with each other? Have you convinced yourself that, until s/he initiates making up, there will be no peace in your house?

“If so, I have few things I want to tell you. You’re wasting precious energy holding on to your anger. It’s exhausting to feel resentment day in and day out. It’s bad for your health and hard on your spirit. And it’s awful for your relationship.

“Anger imprisons you. It casts a gray cloud over your days. It prevents you from feeling real joy in any part of your life. Each day you drown yourself in resentment is another day lost out of your life. What a waste!

“I’ve worked with so many people who live in quiet desperation because they’re utterly convinced that their way of seeing things is right and their partner’s wrong. They spend a lifetime trying to get their partners to share their views. I hear, ‘I’ll change if s/he changes,’ a philosophy that ultimately leads to a stalemate.

“There are many variations of this position. For example, ‘I’d be nicer to her, if she were nicer to me,” or ‘I’d be more considerate and tell her about my plans if she wouldn’t hound me all the time about what I do.’ You get the picture! ‘I’ll be different if you start being different first.’ Trust me when I tell you that this can be a very, very long wait.

“I’ve been working with couples for years and I’ve learned a lot about how change occurs in relationships. It’s like a chain reaction. If one person changes, the other one does too. It’s simply a matter of tipping over the first domino. Change is reciprocal. Let me give you an example.

“I worked with a woman who was distressed about her husband’s long hours at work. She felt they spent little time together as a couple and that he was of little help at home. This infuriated her. Every evening when he returned for work, her anger got the best of her and she criticized him for bailing out on her. Inevitably, the evening would be ruined. The last thing he wanted to do after a long day at work was to deal with problems the moment he walked in the door.

“Although she understood this, she was so hurt and angry about his long absence that she felt her anger was justified. She wanted a suggestion from me about how to get her husband to be more attentive and loving. She was at her wit’s end.

“I told her I could completely understand why she was frustrated and that, if I were in her shoes, I would feel exactly the same way. However, I wondered if she could imagine how her husband might feel about her nightly barrage of complaints. ‘He probably wishes he didn’t have to come home,’ she said. ‘Precisely,’ I thought to myself. I suggested she try an experiment.

“‘Tonight when he comes home, surprise him with an affectionate greeting. Don’t complain; just tell him you’re happy to see him. Do something thoughtful that you haven’t done in a long time, even if you don’t feel like it.’” “‘You mean like fixing him his favorite meal or giving him a warm hug? I used to do that a lot.’ ‘That’s exactly what I mean,’ I told her. She agreed to give it a try.

“Two weeks later she returned to my office and told me about the results of her ‘experiment.’ ‘That first night I met him at the door and without a word, gave him a huge hug. He looked astounded, but curious. I made his favorite pasta dish, which was heavy on the garlic so he smelled the aroma when he walked in. Immediately, he commented on it and looked pleased.

“‘We had a great evening together. It was the first in months. I was so pleased by his positive reaction that I felt motivated to keep being ‘the new me.’ Since then things between us have been so much better, it’s amazing. He’s come home earlier and he’s even calling me from work just to say hello. I can’t believe the change in him.’

“The moral of this story’s obvious. It’s a law of relationships. If you aren’t getting what you need from your loved one, instead of trying to convince him or her to change, why not change your approach to the situation? If what you’re doing (talking to your partner about the error of his/her ways) hasn’t been working, no matter how sterling your logic, you’re not going to get very far. Be more flexible and creative. Spend more time trying to figure out what might work as opposed to being bent on driving your point home. You might be pleasantly surprised.

“Remember, insanity has been defined as doing the same old thing over and over expecting different results.”

Another point Michelle makes on this subject:

“I generally assume that one spouse is more motivated than the other to work on the marriage — read self-help books, take marriage education classes, and so on— and believe that it’s truly possible for one person to trigger positive relationship change single-handedly. My experience has taught me that I don’t need both spouses in order to help couples improve their marriages.

“I just need one motivated spouse. Relationships are such that if one person changes, the relationship changes. So I show people how to approach their partners in more productive ways. Often this triggers a solution avalanche. However, when both spouses are willing to read the books or attend a marriage education class, it will mean that you’ll have a shared perspective and similar ideas about what real change in marriage requires. But the operative word here is willing.

“If your spouse has pulled away and lets you know, ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you,’ or if you’re already doing the ‘Last Resort Technique’, your asking him/her to read a book will probably be viewed as chasing. Chasing a reluctant spouse can be like opening the door to let him or her out of the marriage. If your spouse has told you to back off, don’t ask him or her to read a book.

“If on the other hand, things aren’t quite as rocky, you can consider asking your spouse to read it. Don’t insist — just ask. Some people have made more progress by leaving the book around the house in a conspicuous place rather than asking directly. You might just pique your spouse’s curiosity. But you shouldn’t make reading the book an issue. That could be detrimental.

“And one more thing — don’t assume that if you’re the only one reading the book that it’s a less-than-desirable situation or that your chances of reconciliation are worse. They aren’t. Ultimately, you have to be the catalyst for change whether your spouse reads the book or not. You have to change you. So get started. Read all you can and put to use what you learn.”

(You can read more articles by Michele Weiner-Davis by visiting her web site at Divorcebusting.com.)

Too often we try our method of communicating, and eventually give up thinking it’s hopeless. But with God, nothing is hopeless… nothing is impossible. (See: Luke 1:37 and Luke 18:27.) As someone once said, “God is able to create and re-create — and when we think everything is dead — that’s when He can do something exciting!”

We’re told in the Bible: “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).

We pray you will not “become weary in doing good.”

“May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)

Steve and Cindy Wright

We received the following message from a friend and thought it could be a wonderful “wake-up call” for us all — especially for those of us who are married. Please take the time to read it carefully — asking the Lord to speak to your heart. We’ll add additional insights pertaining to marriage on this topic at the conclusion of this message:

IMAGINE:

Imagine there’s a bank that credits your account every morning with 86,400 dollars (or the equivalent currency of your country). It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? DRAW OUT ALL OF IT, of course!!!

Each of us has such a bank. It’s name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft.

Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day’s deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against “tomorrow.” You must live in the present on today’s deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today.

• To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.

• To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.

• To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

• To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.

• To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.

• To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.

Treasure every moment you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special … special enough to spend your time.

And remember that time waits for no one. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift — that is why it is called the PRESENT!

As we said before, this is a wake-up call for all of us. We need to make sure that we invest our time in that which will make a positive difference. As we’re told in the Bible: “Everything is permissible; but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible; but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others” (1 Corinthians 10:23).

We all know couples where one spouse died prematurely — without warning. One minute they’re there and the next minute they’re gone. I (Steve) decided a number of years ago that if my wife Cindy were to die suddenly, I didn’t want to live with regrets — the “if only’s.”

Today, I feel I can honestly say there is nothing left unsaid and nothing left undone. Cindy KNOWS I love her, treasure her, and I make time for her.

Take a few minutes this week to assess your current time commitments. Is there something in your schedule that’s currently keeping you away from spending the time you should with your spouse and children? If you were to cut that “item” out of your schedule, would it cause more problems or blessings? If blessings, then what a great gift it would be to give that time to your family (and NOT live with regrets at a later date).

And I (Cindy) want to add to this message: Ask the Lord to show you if you are stealing time away from the family the Lord has given you. What we’ve learned from our own lives is: Just because you CAN do something, it doesn’t mean you SHOULD do it. Ask the Lord to give you His perspective on all of this.

CHOOSE to make the time to do some things that speak “love” to your spouse. Do them “as unto the Lord” — making the most of the “present” God has given you. Keep in mind the events that happened several years ago on September 11th here in the United States. Not everyone who woke up that morning had the opportunity to express their love to their spouse “later.”

Our prayers are with you as together we work to make our marriage reflect the love of Christ — as a living testimony to all who witness our lives together — that God is able to do that which is utterly amazing through those who are committed to Him and to each other.

Steve and Cindy Wright

Our first instinct may be to laugh at that “joke” but if you’re the one going through a hormonal change (or you’re married to someone who is going through that change) it’s no joking matter. It’s a pretty serious subject.

There are a lot of things competing to sabotage your relationship with your spouse and one of them is a wife’s fluctuating hormone level (if she is one who experiences this phenomenon).

“It’s not a subject most people like to discuss, but PMS or Pre Menstrual Syndrome can wreak havoc on relationships, especially when it is not recognized. Despite what many people seem to think, hormonal fluctuations throughout a woman’s cycle can be as hard on her as they seem to be on the people in her life.” (Sherry Holetzky)

Hormonal fluctuations can be something that attacks our bodies, emotions and our intimacy on so many levels, and it’s difficult for someone (particularly our husbands) to understand if they’ve never experienced them first hand in their bodies.

I’ll never forget a number of years ago, something that happened, when our sons were younger. I came to the realization that I was anything but a pleasant person when my menstrual cycle came around. So I thought I’d do my husband and two sons a “favor” by explaining that I would give them a “warning” when I was feeling tense, and that for their own good, I advised them to tread lightly for a while. I thought this would be a merciful act.

I remember well, one time when I gave the men of our household a warning to please ease up on their noise level and the manner in which they liked to tease me. I told them that I was struggling to “keep it together” and I needed their help to do so.

Our one son didn’t take my warning seriously because he proceeded to start teasing me right then and there. I immediately “lost my cool” and started screaming. I’ll never forget how he looked at me. All the color drained out of  his face and he looked absolutely shell-shocked. He just mumbled, “I guess you were serious … sorry!”

Yep! I was, and I can tell you that when I gave out my polite warning, no one tested my seriousness after that! We somehow came to an agreement that warnings were to be taken seriously.

One woman writes a solution she’d like to see happen:

“If I was going to invent something for the good of mankind I know exactly what it would be: a pill for men that would let them experience all of our worst PMS symptoms… The trouble is, I fear my plan would backfire. Instead of making them understand what we go through so they’d be more sympathetic, it’d be my luck to give [my husband] the pill and he’d expect me to cater to him. ‘Bring me the heating pad. Get me another Advil. Tuck me in for my nap.’” (Courtney Mroch)

Isn’t that the truth? As much as we may want sympathy and understanding on a different level, it could backfire in various ways —especially for the one who isn’t acting in an “understanding” way.

Another complication caused by these fluctuating hormones, happens to those who are prone towards depression and anxiety.

“While the symptoms of PMS are very familiar to many women, those who have a history of anxiety and depression or who currently suffer from anxiety and depression may notice that the changing hormonal levels during the month bring about increased emotional problems. The week before menstruation is well-known by women and feared by men as being the most emotionally difficult week of the month. That makes for twelve to thirteen ‘difficult’ weeks per year for women of childbearing age.” (Beth McHugh)

Actually, it doesn’t end there … even those who are getting beyond childbearing age battle with “difficult weeks” and even years when Pre-menopause and Menopause comes into play. (Somehow the word “play” doesn’t seem like the appropriate word here, does it?)

To help us deal with these problems and attacks on our bodies, minds and marriages, below are several links to various web sites that have articles posted on this subject. To read them, please click onto the links below.

(And if you have any input, suggestions, or comments, please “Join the Discussion” below this article so we can all benefit from what you have learned and are learning.)

• HOW HORMONES HARM OUR MARRIAGES

• HORMONES AND BEHAVIOR

• BEYOND THE POST-DELIVERY BLUES

• DEALING WITH P.M.S.

• NATURAL TREATMENTS FOR P.M.S.

• MANAGING MENOPAUSE

The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

Within this time there’s a fierce competing battle going on for how we spend every minute of that day. Steve and I experience it, and I’m sure you do as well: the “tyranny of the urgent” will always be in competition for that which means the most to us — that which we SAY is our highest priority.

The Psalmist said, “Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom” (Psalm 90:12). Isn’t that something that should be the prayer of our hearts — especially in our marriages? We SAY our marriages are important to us, but do our daily schedules really reflect it?

The Bible tells us that where our treasure is, that’s where our hearts are also. What about the treasury of how we spend our time? What does that say about our hearts?

Now, I’m not saying that we have the ability to arrange our time as we please, after-all, most of us have to work to finance our lives, plus there are many other demands on our time as well. But if we’re really honest, MOST of us can find at least a small treasury of time to spend on that which we value.

We need to consider that whatever we say “yes” to, we’re saying “no” to something or someone else (and it’s usually our spouse that we expect to “understand” when we shorten them of our time).

Dr James Dobson states,

“Like most men, I’ve always struggled to maintain a proper perspective between my profession and my family. Just when I think I’ve conquered the dragon of over commitment, I say ‘yes’ a few times when I should have said ‘no, thanks,’ and the monster arises to maul me again. I know of no easier mistake to make, nor one that has such devastating implications for the family.”

In all fairness, this happens with women also. Especially when it comes to the ministry of Marriage Missions, I could work 24 hours a day (and still never get everything even close to being done). Sometimes Steve has to remind me that even Jesus didn’t work like that when He was in human form. Plus, if we don’t do what it takes to make our marriage healthy, we are being hypocrites in running this marriage ministry.

Steve works a lot of long hours in his job as well, plus he tries to do what he can for the ministry of Marriage Missions, so he battles with time and energy issues that takes from our time together.

But together we try to give grace, and yet remind each other of the importance of spending quality time whenever it’s possible (even if it’s just sitting across from a table hand-in-hand for a short time talking eye to eye as friends).

Most women have a tendency to be more “relationship oriented” than “job performance oriented” — but we still get involved in saying “yes” to more than we should. It’s just in a different way. Women will more often over-commit when it comes to relational matters — especially when it comes to caring for their children.

And of course, caring for children should be a high priority, but don’t neglect your marriage more than you should. The best gift you can give your kids is a healthy marriage with their parents.

A few articles to read posted on the web site on this subject can be found in the “Assorted Marriage Problems” section: “When Family and Work Collide” “Career Issues: Lack of Time Together” “Staying Connected when Your Spouse is Away” (for those whose spouse travels or lives in a different location for work purposes), plus “When Hubby’s Away.”

And then there are several articles posted in the “Children’s Effect on Marriage” section that can give you ideas when your children come in with their “tyranny of the urgent.”

And for those in the ministry, in the “Pastors and Spouses” section the articles “Emotionally Abandoning Spouse for the Sake of Ministry” “Is Marriage in Conflict with Your Ministry?” and “The Ministry of Marriage for the Pastor” are helpful articles to read.

We have other articles posted in other sections of our web site as well from which you can glean marriage priority tips.

We found the time before we married to be together… and many who are involved in affairs find the time to do so (stealing time from their spouses), so why can’t we find the time now with our spouse? Priorities!

But if you don’t think you have time to give, ask God to show you where you can grab moments here and there. God is faithful. We’ve done this several times and have found that God makes us aware of moments we can spend together.

And if you don’t have a spouse who recognizes the importance of making time together, guard your heart from allowing it to go places it shouldn’t. Please don’t allow yourself to do that which isn’t right — even if your spouse doesn’t hold to the same standards. Uphold your integrity. “Integrity is doing what is right even if no one but God is watching or notices.”

Also, pray for as long as it takes, and don’t give up praying and believing that God will wake up your spouse.

It comes down to daily, minute-by-minute choices. Just because we CAN do something, just because everything cries for our attention it doesn’t mean we should do it. Marriage is like a garden. If you don’t continually tend to it, it will be over-run by weeds. And those weeds will choke out all you say you value.

It used to be that I (Cindy) would say, “after this, things will slow down.” And then it was “after that” and “after that, and that,” and the saga goes on. But eventually I saw that “this, and that, and that” will always be in my life. The “tyranny of the urgent” seems to be a permanent condition attacking our lives today. I’m only fooling myself thinking things will slow down in some way.

If you don’t say “no thanks” enough — that which I say I care about the most may not wait for me later.

Steve: I’ve come to see that over commitment is a “marriage killer.” I used to equate spiritual depth with the number of spiritual “things” I was involved in. I was even on a local board for the Promise Keepers ministry while not really being the “promise keeper” God wanted me to be in our marriage.

Oddly enough, it was through the Promise Keepers Conferences that God revealed to me that I was only a part time husband and unfortunately the “part” that Cindy got wasn’t my best. I’ve found the best spiritual thing I can do is take care of my wife as Christ’s bride.

I encourage you to stop to consider if your busyness is something that brings God glory. Does it take you away from the really important things that you should be devoting more of our time to — like your marriage and your family built to honor Him?

I can’t answer that question for you; what you do with your time is between you and God. But as for me, I’ve learned that my wife is my number one (earthly) priority — not my job — and not my recreation time. I used to say that I “loved to play golf.” Now I say I “enjoy” golf, but I love Cindy. I know that sounds like a small thing, but when it comes to my thinking about my relationship with Cindy, there are no small things.

Let me encourage you (men) to prayerfully examine your schedules. What would God want you to remove? What would He want you to move into a higher priority? What would He want you to move way down the list (if you feel it must remain)? If you struggle with this, may I suggest you ask your wife, Christ’s bride, what she would want you to remove or move?

And ladies, the same questions can be said in reverse. Pray about this and listen to what God says to your heart.

Cindy and Steve Wright

“Spiritual intimacy in marriage is about more than just spending time in God’s word. It’s about learning how to connect with your spouse through your faith.

“Often times, couples say that they “can’t connect with their spouse” because they’re not in the same place spiritually. But, there are small things you can do as a couple to become more like-minded in your spiritual walk. (Focus on the Family article titled “Spiritual Intimacy”)

That’s what we’d like to deal with in this article. How can you connect spiritually in your marriage in a way that is meaningful?

To address this question, we’ve found several web site articles that you may find helpful.

The first is an article where the author realizes that she once had a very vibrant spiritual life and truly thought she and her future husband would share an even better one together. But she discovered just the opposite after they married.

To read more, please click onto the link below to read:

• SPIRITUALLY LACKING

This next article was put together by the ministry of Focus on the Family, which has links to additional articles you can read as well. To see what they have to say on this subject, please click onto the link below to read:

• SPIRITUAL INTIMACY

The following are several additional articles you may find helpful as well:

• SPIRITUAL INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

• MY SPOUSE DOESN’T SHARE MY SPIRITUAL PASSION

• SOULFUL CONNECTION

If you have any additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

And when the away spouse returns, the stay-at-home spouse many times has expectations for them to immediately pitch in and help, and/or give them a break from being with the children for a while, and/or talk and talk and talk, etc. It can put a real strain on a marital relationship because the other spouse has their own expectations. And having to fulfill a “to do” list isn’t usually one of them!

There ARE some marriages that can do well under these circumstances, but they seem to be those who purpose to work this situation out with a team spirit and intentionality. A lot of times they have some kind of game plan functioning for them which makes the best of this situation. But from what we’ve seen, these marriages are rare.

The important thing is that if you want to have a good marriage and not just one that barely functions under these circumstances, you need to make the effort to do that which will make sure “absence really does make your heart grow fonder.”

So, to help you in this mission, we are providing below several links to web site articles that we believe you will benefit from reading. The first one is written by Ellie Kay and is posted on the web site for the publication, Marriage Partnership Magazine.

To read this article, please click onto the following link:

• STAYING CONNECTED WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS AWAY

-ALSO-

A series of articles put together by the ministry of Focus on the Family deal with this same subject. To begin reading, please click onto the link below:

• DEALING WITH PHYSICAL DISTANCE IN MARRIAGE

—ALSO—

The ministry of Family Life Today put together a 3-day radio broadcast with Dennis Rainey, who talks with Sam and Toni Gallucci, on the subject of being a “Road Warrior.”

Whether you are an executive who feels you have to be away from home at certain times because your career demands it, or you simply feel you have to work a job in another city away from your family, this series of broadcasts can be helpful for you and your spouse. We hope you will glean from the information given to make whatever you can work for your marriage.

To read the transcripts or to listen to them on your computer, please click onto the links provided below:

•  THE ROAD AS A ROMANCE

•  HAZARDS OF THE ROAD

• ON THE HIGHWAY TO HEALING

When you’re done reading the above article:

You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

Depression: The Silent Killer of Marital Intimacy
- by Dr. Todd Linaman

Everyone longs for —  and needs — intimacy. Intimacy in marriage exists when a husband and wife allow each other to experience everything they have to offer physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually without fear of criticism, judgment or rejection. Without intimacy a marriage cannot thrive and will struggle to even to survive.

Some of the more common threats to marital int-macy include parenting, financial stress, unresolved anger, and unforgiveness. But the “silent killer” that often goes unaddressed is depression. Over 17-million Americans [alone] suffer from depression each year. While both men and women are susceptible, women are twice as likely to suffer from symptoms as men are. One of every four women will experience at least one depressive episode in their lifetime.

Studies reveal that depression can be both the cause and result of marital problems and dissatisfaction. It can also cause people in otherwise happy marriages to perceive themselves and their relationship in negative ways. For example, if a husband comes home late from work, a depressed woman may perceive his lateness as a sign that he no longer cares for her when, in reality, it is a simple matter of his boss detaining him to finish a project.

As a result of her assumptions, she may avoid him when he arrives home. This may cause him to feel isolated or rejected, and he may react by finding excuses not to spend time at home. Unless the silence is broken, the cycle of negative perceptions and rejection will destroy intimacy in the relationship.

It’s normal to experience feelings of disappointment and discouragement for brief periods of time. However, many people experience these symptoms as well as other, for longer periods of time without recognizing it for what it really is — depression.

Symptoms and Causes of Depression: Symptoms can range from mild to severe, lasting from a few hours to a few years. Mild symptoms include fatigue, irritability, sadness, decreased motivation and pessimism. More serious symptoms include feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, low self-esteem, negative thinking patterns, recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.

Depression can be caused by difficult and traumatic life circumstances such as death of a loved one, a divorce, the loss of a job or unresolved marital problems. It can be the result of prolonged periods of stress, personality traits, heredity factors, biochemical changes and sleep deprivation. Regardless of what may trigger depression, it is ultimately the result of changes that occur in the brain’s chemistry. A deficiency of certain nerotransmitters, such as serotonin and norepinephrine, is what causes a person to experience the symptoms of depression.

Although women are more likely to experience depression in general, some women are more vulnerable than others. A recent study revealed that women with exposure to childhood adversity such as family violence, parental alcoholism, death of a parent, or parental discord or divorce are more likely to become depressed following stress than women without such adversity.

And women who experience what are referred to as humiliating life events, like infidelity on the part of their husband, threats of marital separation or divorce, or physical violence are six times more likely to experience a major depressive episode.

Other Facts: Today’s women suffer from depression 10 times more often than their grandmothers did. Younger women are at a greater risk for depression than ever before. Nearly one out of three women 18-24 will experience depression. Women with other siblings or parents who have suffered from depression have a 20-25 per cent greater chance of becoming depressed themselves.

Keys to Overcoming Depression and Keeping Your Marriage Strong: As is true of any illness, prevention is the best medicine. Here are some strategies for preventing and/or defeating depression while keeping your marriage strong.

• Maintain a healthy lifestyle. A balanced diet and adequate rest will help stabilize brain chemistry. Regular exercise releases endorphins, which are natural mood elevators.

• Learning to say, “no” to activities and responsibilities that have the potential of creating overload is the first step to creating balance in your life.

• Seek professional help as early as possible. Begin by talking to your family physician or a Christian counselor about possible treatment options.

• Confide in your spouse or a close friend. It’s important that someone know exactly how you’re feeling.

• Educate yourself and your spouse about depression. Having an awareness of the signs and symptoms, understanding its potential impact in your life and knowing what treatment options are available to you can greatly help to minimize negative consequences.

• Address problems in your marriage or personal life as they arise. Avoiding or ignoring problems will not make them go away or easier to cope with.

• Take one hour “vacations” at least three times a week. Give yourself permission to spend at least three separate hours per week doing something that you really enjoy.

• Take your focus off yourself. When you begin to feel discouraged or sad it’s easy to dwell on the circumstances we believe are responsible for our negative feelings. Place your focus on someone [or something] who would benefit from your time and attention.

• Pray consistently and study God’s word regularly. The ultimate key to guarding your marriage and your emotions is to strengthen your relationship with the Lord.

Maintaining companionship, affection and harmony in your relationship will not only provide you with personal fulfillment and satisfaction, but it will also strengthen, guard and preserve your marriage.

By understanding the potential impact of depression and knowing how to effectively address its symptoms, you will be better protected to combat the “silent killer” of marital intimacy.

We pray this information from Dr. Linaman is helpful. Both Cindy and I (Steve) have suffered from depression so we know first-hand how it can strain a marriage. Fortunately, we sought help and treatment. It made a huge difference in our marriage partnership and intimacy as we stood in support of each other.

It’s important to know that there is no shame in being depressed — Even King David fought depression and he was still called “a man after God’s own heart.” To help you fight this battle, we have many articles posted in the “Mental and Physical Health” section on our web site.

Cindy and I also know that the road may seem long to getting better, it IS possible! If your spouse is the one depressed you need to walk alongside him or her as much as they will allow because it is important for them to know they are not abandoned or alone in their struggle. As their marriage partner, you are God’s colleague in loving them.

And as we love “as Christ first loved us”, there is hope and healing in any struggle we may encounter in our marriages.

That’s the prayer of our hearts for your marriages,
Steve and Cindy Wright

Let me give you a perspective as I look back on our marriage relationship. Now, I’ve always believed what Dr Kevin Leman told me: I “married up” when I married Cindy. Sadly, and not to my credit, I haven’t always acted like I’ve believed that. For too many years I took Cindy for granted; made unfair assumptions and had unreal expectations about what I thought my wife should be like. To make matters worse, there was no way Cindy could ever live up to most of my expectations because my marriage communication skills were lacking.

I can’t tell you how blessed I am that Cindy never gave up on me or our marriage, nor did God give up trying to get through to me. What made the difference? (1) A wife who faithfully prayed even when I was distant and (2) a revelation from God that I was cheating my wife and me by not looking at my role of being a husband through God’s eyes. Hopefully this is an encouragement to wives out there that husbands CAN change!

It’s not easy to undo multiplied years of being a passive observer type of husband and move into the Biblical model of being willing to “give up my life” for my wife (Ephesians 5). The hardest part of fulfilling that mandate meant I had to be willing to set aside my self-centered will and wants — in other words, stop focusing on ME and put Cindy’s needs and desires ahead of mine.

I’ve learned that it’s important in marriage to keep investing acts of love in ways that my wife best understands. Dr Gary Chapman calls them “Love Languages” and everyone has them — certain loving acts that most speak love to each individual’s heart and personality. Cindy’s Love Language is Acts of Service — DOING things for her (others for your spouse could be Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, or Physical Touch). Preview or purchase Dr Chapman’s book now.

I also had to actually learn to talk and communicate, because after the wedding, it becomes easy to slack off and take our spouse for granted and stop doing that which causes us to fall in love in the first place — like talk respectfully TO each other rather than AT each other. I had to learn to listen as well, (especially without being defensive)… and I mean truly listen with God’s ears or I’d never really know my partner’s heart and be able to “cleave” to her in unity.

In short, these years of marriage have been a real education and growing experience for me. But the payoff is that I’m now married to my best friend. I don’t consider the fact that we’ve been married 37 years as a milestone, per se, but rather that after all these years of marriage, I find myself more in love with Cindy everyday and I have a deep desire to work to improve on what we already have.

Cindy: I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not what you’ve lived through that’s as important as what you’ve “learned through.” And these past 37 years of marriage have been times of “learning through” more than we could ever have imagined possible! Neither of us had a clue to all that we would be saying “I do” to when we walked down the aisle. We’ve weathered some tremendous relationship storms —ones that even pushed us to consider divorce several times!

But I’m so glad we decided to take the word “divorce” out of our thoughts and our vocabulary years ago. It’s one of the smartest things we ever did. As long as we entertained that option, we could never really be serious about weathering through what we needed to, in order to get to this stage of marriage. We almost missed the best part and almost missed growing old together!

A review for the book, The Five Love Needs of Men and Women by Dr Gary and Barb Rosberg, talked about this. They wrote:

“Young marrieds need to capture a vision of what it means to grow older with someone. Romance is only the beginning of a relationship. It moves from romance into companionship, where you ‘gut out’ the development of your relationship. Many couples think that something mystical is just supposed to happen. And then 10 years later they may be virtual strangers because they haven’t done anything to maintain or develop intimacy.”

We have sure been there and have done that in our marriage! Our immature attitudes almost sabotaged whatever love we had when the stage of having to “gut it out” hit us. But God eventually got through to us to recognize that marriage is for grown ups. Marriage is not for those who want to cling to their “rights” as individuals. Why marry if you want to act single? There is a lot to gain if you willingly work together to make your marriage the best it can be — a partnership.

To conclude our reflections this week we’d like to share a portion of a letter that author, Philip Yancey, wrote to his wife on their 25th wedding anniversary because it seems so appropriate and we hope it can possibly inspire others to “not grow weary in doing good” as the Bible talks about. The letter appeared in Christianity Today in 1996:

“Before marriage, each of us, by instinct, strives to be what the other wants. The young woman desires to look [as nice as possible], and takes up interest in sports. The young man notices plants and flowers, and works at asking questions instead of just answering mono-syllabically. After marriage the process slows and somewhat reverses. Each insists on his or her rights. Each resists bending to the others will.

“After years, though, the process may subtly (and with intentionality, will definitely) begin to reverse again. I sense a new willingness to bend back toward what the other wants —maturely, this time, not out of a desire to ‘catch’ a mate, but out of a desire to please a mate who has shared a quarter-century of life. I grieve for couples who give up before reaching this stage.

“Time has crept up on us. as it always does, yet this middle age isn’t so bad. We have less to prove to the world and each other. We’ve surveyed what we want in life, and part of the conclusion we’ve reached is this: we want each other. The view from the mountaintop looks good —very good.”

Well, those are the reflections as we look back on our 37 years of marriage. Our prayer this week is that we’ll all take the time to “reflect” on where we have been in our marriages; ask God to show us what we need to do to have a marriage the way He wants it to be, and then rejoice in what God has done to bring us together as husband and wife to share this time together.

Steve and Cindy Wright

“Most people don’t think twice about insuring their home or car or things that are valuable. They don’t think twice about installing security measures like screens and alarms. But what about protecting your marriage? What can you and I do to protect our marriages?”

We have to confess that earlier in our marriage we didn’t think about protecting our marriage. We just assumed we wouldn’t need it! We were so sure that neither of us would ever be capable of straying into infidelity, that we didn’t even entertain putting up emotional hedges to protect our marriage relationship.

How naive! As we look around and see so many “good” people “falling” into temptation and breaking apart their marriages as one or the other chants the statement, “but I never meant to fall in love with this person” and “I never thought it would happen to us“, we now realize how stupid we were in NOT guarding our hearts more than we did. Thankfully, we never gave into any of the temptations that came our way through the years, but the following warnings are real:

“Be self-controlled and alert.
Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion
looking for someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8)

In other words, WAKE UP …there is a force of darkness looking for ways to cause you to fall. And if you think, “That will never happen to me” look around… there is a whole world of people who never thought they would be susceptible to “falling” into an affair and yet they have. It’s prideful to think otherwise.

“Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18)

So, in the context of all of this an to answer the questions (posed by Dale Harcombe in the beginning of this message), we’d like to share some tips we gathered from many “experts” to help you to guard your heart, protect your marriage and your Christian integrity and testimony:

•  “Don’t be naive. Most people who end up in affairs don’t set out to have one. Infidelity usually begins with an innocent relationship that, in time, moves to an emotional depth that crosses a line of fidelity.” (Jill Savage, from Marriagepartnership.com article “8 Safeguards Against Getting Too Close“)

• “Become Aware of Your Choices. A major battle is won when we stop asking what’s wrong with certain choices, and instead, ask what’s right with them. Everyday I read a small poem above my computer. This poem has become the key for affair-proofing my own marriage. ‘The choices we make everyday dictate the life we lead. To thine own self be true!’

“Basically, this is the same message that Luke talks about in the Scriptures. “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much” (Luke 16:10). In other words, how we handle the small things dictates how we react to the bigger ones. As Christians, we must learn what God desires for our lives and remain true to His wishes.” (Michael Smalley, adapted from Smalleyonline.com article “Protecting Your Marriage from Infidelity“)

• “Know your boundaries. Put fences around your heart and protect sacred ground, reserved only for your spouse. Barbara and I are careful to share our deepest feelings, needs, and difficulties only with each other. (Dennis Rainey, adapted from the Growthtrac.com article “Avoiding Emotional Adultery“)

• Many married people don’t understand that a chemical reaction can occur with someone other than their mates.

“High school chemistry taught me a very valuable lesson: When certain substances come into close contact, they can form a chemical reaction. I proved that one day during my senior year of high school when I dropped a jar full of pure sodium off a bridge into a river and nearly blew up the bridge!

“What I’ve learned since then is that many people don’t respect the laws of chemistry any more than I did as a teenager. They mix volatile ingredients without giving much thought to the consequences. I’ve discovered that many married people don’t understand that a chemical reaction can occur with someone other than their mates.

“Don’t misunderstand me — I’m not just talking about sexual attraction. I’m referring to a reaction of two hearts, the chemistry of two souls. This is emotional adultery — an intimacy with the opposite sex outside of marriage.

“Emotional adultery is unfaithfulness of the heart. When two people begin talking of intimate struggles, doubts or feelings, they may be sharing their souls in a way that God intended exclusively for the marriage relationship. Emotional adultery is friendship with the opposite sex that has progressed too far. (Dennis Rainey, adapted from the Growthtrac.com article “Avoiding Emotional Adultery“)

• “Quit kidding yourself. Understand the tremendous capacity of every human being to deceive him or herself when not connected to God. Know that, once you start making excuses for wrong behavior, each excuse will sound more plausible, and you will sink deeper and deeper into sin and ruin. Admit that you can’t trust your own self apart from God, and decide to stay close to Him.” (Jerry Jenkins, from book “Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It”  Preview or purchase this book now)

• “Avoid Temptation. Innocent chat room visits can endanger a marriage when someone discovers a ‘Cyberspace soul mate.’ When the honesty that’s missing in a marriage gets spilled out on the computer screen, emotional affairs can result. Preventative measures include:

• Avoid discussing emotional topics or personal problems over the Internet.
• Avoid chat rooms and Internet sites designed for meeting people and socializing.
• If necessary, limit your time on-line.

“Remember that infidelity doesn’t always include sex. Emotional infidelity can breach marital trust and become as debilitating your marriage and physical adultery. If you are sharing emotional closeness with someone of the opposite sex other than your spouse in any arena, STOP!” (From Foreverfamilies.com article “Immunized Against Infidelity”)

• “Protect your marriage through boundaries in the workplace. If ever a situation needed solid protective walls firmly entrenched around it to prevent infidelity, the workplace is it. Such protection requires predetermined decisions, all maintained through accountability to your husband and to other women. The practices of establishing an invisible wall and refraining from personal contact and conversations with other men are utterly critical. Without predetermining to follow these safeguards, you will effectively set yourself up to fall.” (Judy Star, from the Familylife.com article, “Eight Ways to Protect Your Marriage“)

• “Recognize that work can be a danger zone. Don’t lunch alone or take coffee breaks with the same person (of the opposite sex). When you travel with a co-worker, meet in public rooms only.” (Shirley Glass)

• Protect your marriage through discretion in clothing. Men become easily aroused sexually by the stimulation of sight. Therefore, what we wear is very important. To attract men to you sexually by the clothing you choose is to defraud them because you cannot (or should not!) fulfill the desire you arouse. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6 tells us, “For this is the will of God …that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor …and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in this matter.” (Judy Star, from the Familylife.com article, “Eight Ways to Protect Your Marriage“)

With that said, and in a different context:

• “Realize the power of your eyes. As it has been said, your eyes are the windows to your soul. Pull the shades down if you sense someone is pausing a little too long in front of your windows. I realize that good eye contact is necessary for effective conversation, but there’s a deep type of look that must be reserved for your spouse.” (Dennis Rainey, adapted from the Growthtrac.com article “Avoiding Emotional Adultery“)

• “Avoid emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives to your spouse. Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours his or her heart out to you.” (Shirley Glass, from the article, “7 Tips to Prevent Infidelity“)

•  “Beware of recreating alone with a member of the opposite sex. For instance, if I like to horseback ride and my husband doesn’t, but this handsome guy will go with me, sharing something I love with another man might get to me to develop feelings I don’t want to have for him. But that is the difference between me and someone who cheats — I don’t put myself in the position to get those ‘uncomfortable’ feelings.” (Lucyloo, commenter on the article “7 Tips to Prevent Infidelity“)

• “If a friendship with the opposite sex meets needs that only your mate should be meeting, end it quickly. It may be a painful loss at first, but it isn’t nearly as painful as temptation that has given birth to sin.” (Dennis Rainey, adapted from the Growthtrac.com article “Avoiding Emotional Adultery“)

• “Plant protective hedges early before problems take root. Know that if you plant hedges in your marriage before you find yourself in a threatening situation, you can prevent many problems from taking root and nip affairs in the bud. Anticipate danger, plan, and plot your escape before you find yourself in a dangerous situation.” (Jerry Jenkins, from book “Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It”  Preview or purchase this book now)

• “Don’t play the comparison game. We all make mistakes, have bad habits and annoying behaviors. When we compare a ‘new friend’ to our spouse, it’s an unfair comparison because we aren’t seeing that person in a ‘living under the same roof, taking care of kids at 3 a.m., struggling to make ends meet’ reality.” (Jill Savage, from Marriagepartnership.com article “8 Safeguards Against Getting Too Close“)

• “Be honest with yourself. If you’re dressing to please someone else or lingering in the parking lot hoping that person will ask you to lunch, stop now, before you’ve gone too far. If you’re in doubt as to what conduct is inappropriate, ask yourself, ‘Would I do this in front of my spouse?’ And if you’re still now sure, ask yourself, ‘Would I do it in front of the Lord?’ (You are, you know.) Here is a simple rule to keep you on the straight and narrow: If you’d have to hide it or lie about it — don’t do it!” (Nancy Anderson, from the book “Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome” Preview or purchase this book now)

• “Whenever you’re faced with the temptation of attraction to someone other than your spouse, realize that there is only one response that will work — TO FLEE! Any other approach, such as trying to rationalize your way out of it, is doomed to failure. Decide to run from the situation as from a contagious disease. Recognize that the right time to act is as soon as you start to notice your attraction to another person.” (Jerry Jenkins, from book “Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It”  Preview or purchase this book now)

• Don’t blame God for what’s really your own responsibility. It’s all too easy to blame God for making it possible for you to feel sexual attraction toward someone besides your spouse. But your responsibility is to choose to channel your desires properly. If you ask God to help you do so, He will strengthen you for the task. (From the article, “Plant Protective Hedges Around Your Marriage“)

• “Make sure your social network is supportive of your marriage. Surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who don’t believe in fooling around.” (Shirley Glass from the article “7 Tips to Prevent Infidelity“)

• “Flirt — but only with your spouse. Flirting is fun, and a great way to build excitement and intimacy between two people. Avoid flirting with anyone besides your spouse for any reason, remembering that it’s not a harmless way to interact. Know that suggestive comments and behavior can spark much more with a person who is badly in need of attention.

“But keep flirting with your spouse, no matter how long you’ve been married. Caress each other, share private jokes, etc. daily, and be creative. Know that as long as you both invest in your marriage, it can be fun, exciting, and intimate. (From the article, “Plant Protective Hedges Around Your Marriage“)

• “Increase your investment at home. Solid marriages are built by spending time together, laughing together, and playing together. If you aren’t dating your mate, set up dates for the coming months and make spending time together a priority.” (Jill Savage, from Marriagepartnership.com article “8 Safeguards Against Getting Too Close“)

• Rely on God’s strength rather than your own. Realize that, as a human being in a fallen world, your best resolve and inner strength can still fail you when you need it most. Choose to rely on God’s unlimited power to help you keep your marriage strong. (From the article, “Plant Protective Hedges Around Your Marriage“)

• “If your spouse is unwilling to build a marital hedge with you, know that any hedge you attempt to build yourself will be blessed by God. Tell your spouse about your desire to protect your marriage and the steps you’re taking to do so. Most of all, keep praying. Because your marriage is a portrait of His relationship with His church, you can be sure God desires it to be a beautiful one.” (Erin Prater, from Focus on the Family article “How to Build and Maintain a Hedge“)

We pray these tips are helpful. May God bless your marriage,
Cindy and Steve Wright

We received the following note, regarding the past Marriage Message, which we’d like to answer for all to read:

“This is sobering stuff. It would be even better in future articles to write on how to get out of sexual sin. Somehow I doubt whether ‘rubbing it in’ will help those who are acutely aware of the sinfulness of pornography and are desperately trying to escape this sinful behavior without much success.”

We agree — at least to the extent that the person caught up in this sin may not want to look at what we’re writing, just as they don’t want to acknowledge that it is sin. But those who are hurt by this type of behavior are so glad that we are putting voice to this problem. We’ve received many letters where they’re saying in essence: “Finally, someone in the church is addressing this issue.”

And others are saying, “I feel like you have looked into my home and are acknowledging the pain I’m going through.” So for those we have personally touched, we’re glad to bring this out into the light and expose the darkness. We pray these messages will bring help and hope.

For those who feel we are “rubbing it in” instead of giving “how-to’s” in addressing this problem, we need to say that we really can’t give MUCH help through a few Marriage Messages, to those who are caught up into this secretive sin. There is a lot of rationalizing and justifying and denying the tug of the Holy Spirit that goes on, for one who gets snagged.

The downward spiral in justifying and “mixing” a person’s standard with their own happens in the same way as most any addictive behavior. The first time someone gives into addicting behavior, a door opens to the next time, and the next, and the next. And each time some type of mind shift is involved in order to justify this type of cheating.

Author Fred Stoeker (of the book, Every Man’s Battle), who was once caught up within the snares of pornography, puts it this way:

“We aren’t victims of some vast conspiracy to ensnare us sexually; we’ve simply chosen to mix in our own standards of sexual conduct with God’s standard. Since we found God’s standard too difficult, we created a mixture —something new, something comfortable, something mediocre.

What do we mean by ‘mixture’? Perhaps a good example is the muddled definition of ’sexual relations’ that surfaced in the sex scandal involving President Bill Clinton. After the president stated under oath that he did not have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky, he later explained that he didn’t view oral sex as being in that category. So by that definition, he hadn’t committed adultery.

That represents quite a contrast to the standard Christ taught: ‘But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart‘ (Matthew 5:28). (From the article, God’s Standards on Sexual Immorality)

So, these Marriage Messages are meant to be a STARTING PLACE to hopefully inspire people to get help. It’s like what author Gary Thomas says,

“While how-to marriage books and seminars [as well as Marriage Messages] certainly have their value and place, on their own they miss the key issue. It’s not really about HOW to; far more often, it’s about whether we have the HEART to.”

We must have the heart to change before we will truly take the initiative to find out how to change wrong behavior. That is what it will take for any time of real change to occur over the long haul. If we don’t see the importance of doing whatever it takes to get unhooked and make an intentional shift in our thinking and our actions, we will eventually go right back to it.

It is our prayer that this series has been a catalyst into getting some people closer to changing their minds and their hearts. When that happens, a lasting change is possible. So here are a few tips for those who DO have the “heart-to” stop doing what is wrong:

• First you say “No!” to that which is trying to poison your mind and your marriage. It starts with a decision.

“Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God” (Romans 8:5-8).

“I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s perfect will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:1-2)

“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you will appear with him in glory. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry” (Colossians 3:2-5).

• And then you take action and FLEE from that which you shouldn’t be involved in. That’s what the Bible tells us to do. You don’t dabble in it or fight it; you flee from it and find help so that you don’t go back.

“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body” (1 Corinthians 6:18-20)

“What God has created for good, human beings are distorting and prostituting. That which came from God, for husband and wife to ‘know’ each other more intimately, is becoming like a god to so many. Its temporal pleasures are driving people into a personal hell of sexual addiction and spiritual oppression. Flee from its grasp as you would flee from a poisonous snake.

“… When you play with anything that even hints of immorality (see Ephesians 5) you’re playing with fire. It sears the conscience and scars the soul” (Gary Kinnaman).

“Submit yourselves, then to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up” (James 4:7-10).

Did you get that? Flee from sin —don’t keep playing with fire. It is a losing proposition. Flee, submit to God, and you will be free.

• Seek Godly counsel and find an accountability partner to help you in your fight against the gravitational pull towards that which violates sacredness. More of this is discussed on our web site, which leads to the next point.

• Our web site can help you in the next step. We have a lot of “How to’s” and other inspirational articles, quotes, testimonies, suggested resources, comment sections, and links to other web site ministries posted in the “Pornography and Cybersex” and “Sexual Issues” sections that can take over where these messages leave off. We are continually adding information whenever we can because we truly care and know it can help.

As a matter of fact, some resources we’d like to point you to, come from the ministry of Family Life Today which aired a series of radio broadcasts this past week on this very subject (as well as others that were aired at an earlier date).

First, to listen to or read the transcripts for the broadcasts featuring Dennis Rainey interviewing Fred Stoeker (a man who was once caught up in committing adultery of the mind), please click onto the links provided below:

• MY PERSONAL STRUGGLE (Part 1)

• MY PERSONAL STRUGGLE (Part 2)

• BREAKING FREE (Part 1)

• BREAKING FREE (Part 2)

To read an additional article that the ministry of Family Life Today has posted on their web site, please click onto the following link:

• HOW DO I ESCAPE THE TRAP OF PORNOGRAPHY IN MY LIFE?

And to help wives whose husbands have been addicted to pornography, you can listen to or read the following broadcast transcripts by clicking onto the following links:

• EMBRACING FORGIVENESS DESPITE HIS CHOICES

• WARNING: SEXUAL ADDICTION AHEAD!

• MOVING BEYOND BETRAYAL

To read an additional article for wives, please click onto the link below:

• HELPING YOUR HUSBAND BATTLE PORNOGRAPHY

• Another tip is to safeguard your computer. Don’t put it in a room in which adults aren’t around when it’s in use. Put it in a family living area where there isn’t the privacy to view that which will usher in “darkness.” Figure out how to make the computer only accessible when others are present and the same goes for the TV (if that is a problem for you).

• Protect yourself and protect your family. If you need to put a lock on your computer or get rid of it completely (like the movie “Fireproof” showed in the husband’s battle against giving into this addiction), then do it. Hopefully you can figure out another way, but if not, then do it (and have a friend make copies of the Marriage Messages and personally give them to you).

You can’t protect yourself against everything all the time, but the rule can be: “As for me in my house (and to the best of your ability, outside of your house), we will honor the Lord.” Psalm 101: says, “I will set before my eyes no vile thing.” That’s a good rule for us all — no matter who we are or where we are!

We pray this has been helpful,
Cindy and Steve Wright

The question we’ve been asking is: “Are you turning outside of your marital relationship to meet a sexual need?” Additional questions would be: “Would you do it with your marital partner standing right next to you? And how about with Jesus being right there with you?” Our guess would be that you wouldn’t if your heart isn’t hardened.

As Christians, we’re called to expose darkness, not to play in it —especially at the detriment of our spiritual walk and our marriages. If we play close to the fire, we can get burned and many can get hurt as a result. As the Bible says, “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?” (See: Proverbs 6:23-28.)

This can be seen further by reading the following:

• Ephesians 5:8-16
• Luke 11:34-36
• Matthew 6:22-23
• Romans 13:12-14
• Colossians 3:1-8
• 1 John 2:15-17
• 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8

You need to know that you’re entertaining the enemy of our faith and grieving the Holy Spirit when you participate even a little, in that which the Lord tells us is wrong.  As Jerry Jenkins wrote in his book, HEDGES: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It:

“The fact is that most Christian men do not have victory over lust. I have a theory about that. Scripture does not imply that we shall have victory over lust the way we are expected to win over worry or greed or malice. Rather, Paul instructs Timothy, and us, not to conquer or stand or fight, or pray about or resolve, but to FLEE lust.”

The book goes into more detail, but the point is that lusting in any form, for anyone other than your spouse is sin. We must have no part of it.

“Sin can be defined as whatever:

• weakens your sense of reasoning,
• impairs the tenderness of your heart,
• obscures your sense of God,
• or takes away your desire for spiritual things.

“In short, if anything increases the authority of the flesh over the Spirit, no matter how good it is in and of itself — THAT to you is sin” (Susanna Wesley).

Sin is too easily normalized by those who are in denial. Larry Crabb put it this way:

“To achieve his purpose, Satan has one central strategy: encouraging us to focus on everything but the one thing that provides God the platform to fully reveal his grace — our sin. Satan encourages us to:

• Notice another’s sin more than our own.
• Define sin as less heinous than it really is — perhaps regarding it as understandable, in some cases even desirable.
• Explain sin as a legitimate reaction to life’s disappointments and therefore, worthy of more of compassion than judgment.
• Treat sin as something merely naughty, like a childish prank.
• Evaluate sin as a merely regrettable path to legitimate relief from pressure and pain—a path made necessary by whoever designed the world.”

As long as we “feel our pain more deeply than we feel the pain we cause God” we live in disillusionment of what it means to be a follower of Christ. And when we apply this to our sexual behavior outside of the sanctity of marriage, we deeply grieve the heart of God when we dabble in “deeds of darkness.”

What about you? Are you showing in open as well as in private that you “hate what is evil” and are you working to “cling to what is good?” (Romans 12:9)

Sexuality experienced by the husband and wife in the covenant relationship of marriage (with no one else being involved in any other form) is wonderful, beautiful, and blessed by God. There are references throughout the Bible of the Lord’s blessing upon those who are married and keep their minds and be “undefiled”.

Now before we say what we’re going to say next, please understand one thing. There are some women who are participating in “deeds of darkness” concerning where they invest their energies outside of the marriage, as well as men (especially when it comes to chat room behavior and emotional affairs). So the following advice can be turned around where appropriate.

TO WIVES:

“If your husband is involved in pornography you may find yourself thinking that there is something wrong with you, his wife. Don’t believe this lie for one second. It’s critical that you point the finger in the proper direction because if you’re willing to take the blame for his problem, he will never face up to it and without him owning up to the problem, it will never be resolved. He most likely had a sexual addiction long before he met you…

“Pornography is a spiritual issue because a man’s own perceived needs have become his god and he constantly seeks out ways to worship himself. Your husband’s problem with pornography is devastating to his soul. He is hell bound and literally living a life of hell now as he attempts to feed a growing monster that cannot be satisfied.” (Nannette Klein, from her article Is Pornography Killing Your Christian Marriage?)

TO HUSBANDS:

“If you want to change, recognize that you’re impure because you’ve diluted God’s standard of sexual purity with your own. God’s standard is that we avoid every hint of sexual immorality in our lives. Because our own standards on sexual purity have been mixed with God’s and since many Christians don’t read their Bibles very often, many men have no clue about God’s standard for purity” (from the book “Every Man’s Battle” by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker — which we highly recommend you read to help you win victory in this battle Preview or purchase this book now).

FOR HUSBANDS AND WIVES:

Did you know that we’re commanded to avoid sexual impurity in nearly every book of the New Testament? Jesus used scriptures to combat the devil, so why shouldn’t we? Here are several to help you: Matthew 5:27-28; Mark 7:20-23; Acts 15:29; Romans 13:13; 1 Corinthians 5:11; 1 Corinthians 6:13; 1 Corinthians 6:18-19; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:16-21; Ephesians 5:3-4; Philippians 4:8; Colossians 3:5-8; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5; Titus 2:11-14; Hebrews 12:16; Hebrews 13:4; James 1:13-15; James 1:21; 1 Peter 4:1-3; Jude 7; Revelation 2:14; Revelation 2:20; Revelation 21:8.

It’s our prayer that you and your spouse will both read and discuss how this message applies in your relationship. If needed, we have many articles, recommended resources and web site links provided on this web site to help both husbands and wives. You do not have to do this without help.

“Healing occurs once sin is exposed because the power is broken.”

Steve and Cindy Wright

1) Do I look pure on the outside to everyone else — but in reality have I merely settled on a middle ground somewhere between paganism and obedience to God’s standard?

2) Do I get any sexual gratification from anyone or anything other than my wife?

If you do, then you aren’t keeping yourself and your marriage bed “undefiled” as the Bible tells us to do. I don’t know one true Christ follower who doesn’t WANT to be a man of sexual integrity. Yet at the same time I believe most Christian men struggle greatly in this area of their lives, myself included.

My aim in this message is not to throw stones but to share a few pointers that have helped me and many men I know as well. 

First, I had to personally come to realize that I cannot mix God’s standard for sexual integrity with my own — because mine will always fall short of God’s. It isn’t a matter of “what I can and can’t get away with” in what I allow my eyes and mind to focus on, but rather staying away from everything that even hints at being wrong.

Why even go there? What’s the point of “playing so close to the edge?” Is that kind of behavior something that would please God? Is it a place where God would want to go with you? Where there is too much confidence in your own strength as well as reckless regard for the consequences, a fall is very likely.

Obtaining even a hint of sexual gratification from a woman by writing to her, talking to her, viewing her in real life or in pictures, on the computer or any other form where you would be embarrassed if Jesus were with you, is a form of adultery (see Ephesians 5:3-5) —and yes, if you are a child of God, He IS with you.

“Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute (or a woman that you are viewing as if she were one)? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prost–itute is one with her in body? For it is said, ‘The two will become one flesh’” (1 Corinthians 6:15-16).

The Bible tells us to flee from immorality (as the Bible says that Joseph did when tempted by Potifar’s wife). We’re told to “throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.” And anything or anyone that we allow for even a brief time to sexually entertain us, apart from our wife, that we don’t flee from, entangles us into sinning. And make no mistake about it, this type of sin is addicting. Experts say that it is “the fastest growing addiction in the world, and is the addiction of choice among Christians.”

How tragic! It’s one of the reasons so many outside of the church point to us as a bunch of hypocrites. And it has to be angering and breaking the heart of God. As God’s children, we’re God’s Holy Temple, so whatever dirt we bring into our lives, we’re throwing at God as well.

“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body” (1 Corinthians 6:18-20).

So don’t try to normalize any sexual behavior that dishonors God and your wife —justifying it as “harmless” or “only natural” or saying that it “isn’t a big deal” — because it is a big deal. You give the enemy of our faith a foothold every time you entertain your sexual appetite apart from enjoying your wife alone in your sexuality.

I personally made the decision a number of years ago to flee from feeding this type of behavior. It’s a continual battle, but it’s worth it. For me, that means turning away from TV, media ads, and any images that are the least bit suggestive.

It means that I “starve” my eyes to such an extent that whenever a woman or an image of a woman begins to tempt me to think impure thoughts, I instantly remove my eyes and my mind away from it as many times as it takes until it is gone. It’s a matter of starving that which I don’t want to grow. I only want to feed that which is beneficial to the health of my marriage and my spiritual life.

If I look like a fool to others, I don’t care. I’m not viewed as a fool to those most important to me — my God and my wife. I came to realize that holiness and purity are achieved by a series of choices that I make every day.

For me, the choices that help me are (1) “To set no vile thing before my eyes” (Psalm 101:3) and (2) “To put to death sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires” (Colossians 3:5-6).

Men, I pray you will join me in making the choice to live according to God’s standards for purity.

• Become accountable with another man whom you can trust to hold your feet to the fire over this serious matter.
• Search for the help God can bring your way for a “way of escape” when you are faced with temptation.
• Please take advantage of that which we offer on this web site. We have many web site links and recommended resources that could greatly help you win this battle.
• And above all else, pray for purity as David did in Psalm 51:10, “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”

Women: I (Cindy) want to add something to help you as well. I urge you to follow the advice of Laura Hall, who wrote the book, An Affair of the Mind… One Woman’s Courageous Battle to Salvage Her Family from the Devastation of Pornography. In it she said,

“Don’t condemn yourself. A husband will work hard at convincing his wife and others that the addiction [to pornography] is her fault. He does this to lessen his own guilt, but don’t subscribe to such thinking. Beating yourself up is nonproductive and pointless. It also invites self-pity and therefore sin.”

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).

As authors Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus says in their book, “Intimate Issues”:

“God doesn’t want us to condemn ourselves. Neither does He want us to deceive ourselves into thinking we’re perfect. We should always be open to correction and change, but God’s way of achieving transformation is through LOVING instruction, not brutal condemnation.

“How are you doing with the battle in your mind? Are you refusing to ‘compare’ and ‘condemn?’ Are you thinking right? If so, you’re free to begin ‘doing.’ The first item on the ‘to do list’ is to increase your understanding and its dangers.”

Husbands and wives: We pray you will flee from sexual temptation and sin, do what you can to sexually enjoy each other only, refrain from even the “appearance of evil” and educate yourselves on these matters. Do it for your sake and also to someday help to educate your children before their minds become exposed to things that can draw them into such addictions that can ruin their lives and marriages.

Steve and Cindy Wright

Unfortunately, Christian couples are not excluded from experiencing these problems and they’re getting drawn into trying to remedy these issues in the same way the world is attempting to work on them. Some of them are good, but many of them are harmful and sinful as well!

And this is causing enormous problems within homes, churches, communities, and our world at large. Plus, it has to be breaking God’s heart! He wants better from His children! We are to be a light, poking holes in the darkness — not helping the darkness to spread further! How we pray all of us within the church will wake up!

One of the reasons we believe there is such an assault on this are of our lives is because:

“Sex is a type of worship. Did you know that? Even the heathen know it; that’s why orgies were a part of the worship ceremonies for pagan deities. But we need to remember that there is right worship and there is wrong worship. Wrong worship brought death to Aaron’s sons when they offered the wrong fire and incense before God. To look at this literally, you can say that sex outside of marriage brings about death to our spirits, as well as to our sense of well-being or esteem” (Michelle McKinney Hammond).

Let’s face it, the enemy of our faith is all for disrupting, prostituting, and eliminating any type of worship that could draw us closer to God and to each other as a godly couple. So what about how you express yourself sexually within your marriage? That’s our concern in this message. And we would like to address these concerns from different angles — with Cindy addressing wives and Steve addressing husbands.

CINDY: The concern that God has laid upon my heart is the misconceptions that women have allowed themselves to embrace in this area of marriage. I’ve been there and have done that myself, so I’m the last one to throw stones. However, praise God, I eventually woke up! (And so is my husband.)

Sadly, when I speak on this topic of married sexuality at women’s groups, I find many women have been fooled just as I was. Authors of the book Intimate Issues, Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus, said that in their travels they have found that “between 90 - 95 per cent of women don’t have God’s perspective” on this area of their marital relationship. I agree. The enemy of our faith has done too good of a job of snookering us!

Wives seem to go to two extremes. One is that many are inhibited in being very expressive sexually with their husbands (especially as they see the world taking this publicly to a wrong extreme) because it seems shameful to act in such a manner. Whether their reasoning was influenced because of the way they were raised or because of a trauma they experienced or whatever the reason —it isn’t very scriptural, not from what I read in the Bible.

The other extreme is that many wives expect their husbands to shut themselves down sexually to require less or literally nothing of them sexually for various reasons. Both of these extremes are problematic.

The first extreme is dismissed by the example of the Shulammite woman in the book of Song of Songs. She was more than expressive in the way she made love to her husband, and yet God included it in the Bible. Why? It must be that He condoned her actions. Love like this, when it is expressed within marriage between a husband and wife, is “good.” It delights God’s heart because it unites us as “one” as we enjoy each other unashamedly in every way.

However, when we take that expression outside of marriage and involve other people (whether physically or in ways delivered by various forms of media and the internet), that is when it isn’t condoned by God and shouldn’t be something we allow ourselves to participate in or entertain.

The other extreme should be viewed in the way that God created us — as man and woman. We aren’t created the same physically (which is obvious), but also in our mental and emotional tendencies. Since we’re packaged differently on the outside, what makes us think we’re designed to be the same in the way we approach life intellectually, emotionally, and sexually?

We’ve got an entire section on our web site titled “Gender Differences” which addresses this issue that I encourage you to visit, because I think you could learn a lot (as we did).

We are different in what sex means to us:

• “The male drive is generated by physical needs, accompanied by emotional needs; a woman’s drive stems from emotional needs along with physical needs” (Jack Mayall).

• “Visual stimulation is not as strong for women, but the emotional longings and cravings of our heart and soul for love, intimacy, affection and attention is just as difficult for us to deal with as the visual is for men” (Shannon Ethridge).

That is why it is cruel for a man to continually deny his wife affection and it is cruel for a woman to continually deny her husband physically. Both are very important needs that shouldn’t be overlooked. But it often is overlooked and disregarded because one or the other sees things differently.

If you’re conflicted in this area of your marriage, please, please, please get help! No matter what has been in your past, or is surrounding you in the present… seek to be whole and healthy to the glory of God (even if your husband isn’t doing his part). You aren’t accountable to God for what your husband does, but you are accountable for what you do or won’t do.

“Sex is the physical confirmation of everything that is spiritually joined together during the wedding ceremony” (Dr Walt Larimore, from the book “His Brain, Her Brain: How Divinely Designed Differences Can Strengthen Marriages”).

“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

As Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus point out, “if you’re ready to begin the metamorphosis and blossom into all God created you to be, the place to start enacting change is not in the bedroom but on your knees.”

I pray these will be your words (as they are mine): “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24).

STEVE: There is so much that needs to be said from a man’s standpoint, but this week I just want to give us men two quick thoughts to meditate on and then I will elaborate on them more next week.

These come from what I believe to be the most powerful book (other than the Bible) addressing a man’s heart and mind when it comes to sexual issues, Every Man’s Battle, by Steve Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. I highly recommend you get this book if you can. It’s subtitle says a lot too: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time.

I’m going to ask every one of us as men, two questions. I want us to pray and ask God to reveal to us (men) what truth He wants us to come to terms with relating to them.

1) Do I look pure on the outside to everyone else -but in reality have I merely settled on a middle ground somewhere between paganism and obedience to God’s standard?

2) Do I get any sexual gratification from anyone or anything other than my wife?

Please don’t minimize the importance of how you answer these questions. As hard as it may be to come face-to-face with the truth, ask God’s Holy Spirit to break through any defensive mechanisms you may have put up so that you can come to the place of beginning to “choose to be strong and courageous and to walk in purity.”

“I have set before my eyes no vile thing. The deeds of faithless men I hate; they will not cling to me” (Psalm 101:3).

“We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).

“We have countless churches filled with countless men encumbered by sexual sin, weakened by low-grade sexual fevers —men happy enough to go to a Promise Keepers event, but too sickly to be promise keepers” (Fred Stoeker)

“The world has not yet seen what God can do with a man fully devoted to Him” (D. L. Moody)

We pray you will put and keep God at the center of your marriage — especially in this area because the enemy of our faith is looking for a way to tempt you to stray away from being close to each other. Please make it your mission to shame the devil, not each other, and not God.

Steve and Cindy Wright

We received a letter here at Marriage Missions that asked us to consider writing about this topic and finding help. She wrote:

“I am in a second marriage and my stepchild has a disability (autism). I know many marriages end in divorce when there is a child with a disability. I am dealing with a second marriage, which is hard enough, but this is one with a stepchild with autism.

“My husband is often in denial about his adult son with autism. I have never seen an article relating to this on any Christian website — I have looked! With so many kids being diagnosed with autism today (for boys it is every 1 in 93 births) and so many marriages ending in divorce I can’t be the only one struggling with this.”

To help those of you who are dealing with marriage challenges that occur when a child in your home is disabled, we have found several articles that we believe you will find insightful. You can read them by clicking onto the links provided below:

• DISABLED CHILDREN

• AN UNEXPECTED GIFT

• THE BLESSING OF PARENTING A CHILD WITH AUTISM

• THE IMPACT OF A DISABLED CHILD ON YOUR MARRIAGE

• CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE AND AUTISM

• UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH MAURA WEIS

We also found a Resource List that will help those dealing with Autism in their family. It is put together by the great ministry of  Joni and Friends Joniandfriends.org.

However, if you are dealing with a different type of disability that is affecting your marriage, you can put that term into their “Site Search” to see what they make available to help you. Please click onto the link provided below to find:

• AUTISM RESOURCE LIST

And for those of you who would like to help your church to help couples who have disabled children, read the following concerning churches that have done this successfully:

• SPECIAL NEEDS

• LET THE CHILDREN PRAY

We would greatly appreciate it if you would share your insights in the comment section provided below to help those who are dealing with various marriage challenges as they raise their disabled children. Or perhaps you are facing challenges in your own marriage and want to reach out in community for prayer and/or advice. We hope you will “Join the Discussion” and share what is on your heart.

In this Marriage Message, we would like to share some quotes from Gary Thomas, who is one of our favorite authors on the subject of marriage. He spoke on “Seeing Your Marriage Through the Eyes of God.” He has written the books Sacred Marriage, Devotions for a Sacred Marriage, and Sacred Influence as well as other books on other subjects.

But here are some things he said at the conference that I TRIED to write down as fast as I could — hoping I am quoting him correctly. We hope they minister to your marriage as they have ours:

• “We have to quit going to church for our marriages and to Caesar for our divorces.”

•  “Marriage places a spotlight on my sins much more than I experienced when I was single” (because as he pointed out, your lifestyle isn’t bumped into, to the same extent, when you’re living on your own so you become more aware of your sinful ways). “We have the amazing ability to be blinded to our own sin.”

•  “If your goal in life is to serve Jesus, stay single because marriage is going to take an immense amount of time and energy, but if your goal in life is to be like Jesus, get married because marriage will reveal your weaknesses, and it will challenge you to grow.” (That doesn’t mean that you can’t be like Jesus if you’re single, but in marriage you better see the sacrificial servant attitude Christ took on as our Bridegroom.) “A married person is to take on the nature of a servant” (as Christ modeled for us as He died to self for the sake of His bride).

•  “What if God didn’t design marriage to make us happy, what if God designed marriage to make us holy? What if God’s purpose for marriage goes beyond our fun? What if God wants to use my marriage to reveal my weaknesses, to teach me sides of God I could not see before, to teach me how to love.

“Marriage reveals my spiritual weaknesses. It gives me the opportunity to master patience, forgiveness, faithfulness, goodness, and other virtues God is trying to build in us. In fact, that might be God’s most important purpose for your marriage — to help you to grow up.”

•  “What is behind the problems in marriage? We see the answer in James 3:2: ‘We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.’”

• Gary was telling of a woman that said that her marriage was difficult. He said to her, “You don’t have to tell me that you’re in a difficult marriage. That’s redundant. Marriage IS difficult. That’s a given!” (He pointed out James 3:2 and then told of the warning the Apostle Paul gave in 1 Corinthians 7:28, “Those who marry will face many troubles in this life; I want to spare you this.”)

• “In finding help for your marriage, it’s not so much the ‘How to’ that is needed, but the ‘Heart to’ do what is right and what is needed. If you know the ‘How to’, but you don’t have the ‘Heart to’ do what is needed, the ‘How to’ won’t matter… You won’t do it. … One of the ways to renew the ‘Heart to’ improve your marriage is to rediscover the purpose of marriage.”

• “Aren’t we asking more of marriage than God expects it to give? It’s foolish to allow romantic attraction to mainly determine WHO we marry and WHEN we are to divorce. Scientific studies show bio-chemically, that the highs of romantic feelings aren’t continually sustainable” (so we could easily make grave mistakes and sin if we allow ourselves to be guided by our emotional romantic feelings of attachment).

• “The Bible tells us that we all stumble and fall and sin. Before you marry you need to know how the person you are marrying stumbles. You want to know what you’re agreeing to live with and what you have to work with. Marriage isn’t about being young and romantic together, it’s about growing old together” (and doing what is right according to God’s ways).

• “When you married for trivial reasons, you’ll divorce for trivial reasons. A reason to stay married is to seek the heart to become a better spouse — to become a God-centered spouse, not a spouse-centered spouse.”

• “To be a God-centered spouse, I am called to love my spouse out of my love for God.” (Gary refers to Matthew 6:33, which says, “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”) “The question to ask yourself is: How do I bring God’s Kingdom into my house? … Seek first God’s righteousness in your attitude and actions within your marriage and God will surprise you in other ways from behind.”

• (Gary referred to 2 Corinthians 7:1 which says, “Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.”) “We are called to purify ourselves, to put the spotlight on ourselves, not to aim to purify our spouse. Marriage gives me opportunity to apply these principles every day and to purify myself.”

• “If you want to get on my good side, be good to one of my kids. If you want to be on my bad side, be mean to one of my kids. I’m a Dad and I love my kids and want others to treat them kindly. …God is your heavenly Father; your spouse is one of God’s kids. If you want to please God, be good to his kid — your spouse.

“…Some husbands wouldn’t know an emotion if it bit him on the nose and he bled. But you please God’s heart when you love him anyway. He is God’s son, just as a wife is God’s daughter. Love God’s son (or daughter) despite how they stumble. Marriage brings out the ways we stumble. Can you love your spouse out of reverence for God?”

• “How can I face God someday and say to Him, ‘I’m sorry, your daughter (or son) isn’t good enough for me?’ Marriage will challenge you.”

• “Marriage brings out a lot of bad attitudes in each of us. Biblical God-centered love in action is what makes a marriage a success. …God teaches us what love is, not based on human expectations, but on God-centered love.”

We pray what Gary Thomas had to say has spoken to your heart in some way that you will aim center your love on God and love your spouse “as unto the Lord.” You will help your marriage, but even more so, you will please the heart of your Heavenly Father.

Cindy and Steve Wright

-ALSO-

To read additional quotes from the other speakers at the Focus on Marriage Conference, we will provide a link below to a web site where blogger, Jenny Slain, shares some of what she learned.

We’re sure she would agree with us that it would have been best if you could have experienced this conference with us, but at least we can share some of what we learned with you (and perhaps in the future the ministry of Focus on the Family will make DVD’s available for the public to purchase …We’ll let you know if that happens). Please click onto the link provided below to read:

• FOCUS ON MARRIAGE NOTES

(To see previous questions, visit our archive)

Nowhere is the challenge of those differences more evident than in the sexual relationship. I recently read a few suggestions about those differences that I’d like to share with you.

How to Impress a Woman

Wine her
Dine her
Hug her
Support her
Hold her
Surprise her
Compliment her
Smile at her
Listen to her
Laugh with her
Cry with her
Romance her
Encourage her
Believe in her
Pray with her
Pray for her
Cuddle with her
Shop with her
Give her jewelry
Buy her flowers
Hold her hand
Write love letters to her
Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her

How to Impress a Man

Show up naked
Bring chicken wings
Don’t block the TV

It’s a joke, of course, but there’s a kernel of truth at the center. This tongue-in-cheek list captures the fact that men and women are very different in their sexuality.

Sex was designed by our Creator to be a tremendous blessing in the marriage relationship, but it can also be a source of great tension. Many people marry because of sex; and just as many get divorced because of it.

…The challenge, as our humorous lists illustrate, is that men and women have very divergent sexual needs. …We differ in nature, intensity and timing. Throughout marriage, our respective sexual needs will ebb and flow. Rarely will they synchronize. Thus, couples will avoid a lot of misdirected energy and frustration by understanding that few, if any, husbands and wives have the same sexual needs.

Our general example of this is the fact that men peak sexually in their late teens and early twenties. Women, however, tend to reach their sexual peak in their late thirties or early forties. (Why did God engineer this difference? Probably so that we could have a few years of getting some real work done!)

Men are visually stimulated —they want to “see” their wives. Women are more stimulated when their emotional needs have been met. That’s not to say that women are blind to their husbands’ bodies; but they’re not nearly as visually oriented. (This has led to many a “lights on” versus “lights off” controversy in the bedroom.)

There are other differences. Men can get aroused quite quickly. They don’t have to have much foreplay, or even forethought, to be ready for sex. But for women, the turn-on to sex is very gradual. Marriage counselor and author Gary Smalley says that in the world of sex, “men are microwave ovens and women are crock pots.” It’s true. Women have to warm up to the idea of sex —and it takes awhile.

A man can compartmentalize the sexual experience. He can block everything else out. He could have just had the worst day of his life and been told that tomorrow is Armageddon, and still enjoy sex right now. That’s because to him, sex is just another compartment of his life. Not to a woman. A woman is inclusive in her nature. Everything that happens to her is connected to her sexuality. What her husband said to her leaving for work that morning, her interactions with the kids and/or her parents, and the overall condition of their finances is all connected to her sexual responsiveness.

Here’s another difference: For a man, sex is a primary need. For a woman, sex is secondary at best. In one study in which men and women were asked to rank how important sex was to them, sex consistently ranked 1,2 or 3 to men. Women, on average, ranked sex in the number 13 slot —right behind “gardening together,” which came in at number 12. That’s right, in the average woman’s hierarchy of things to do with her husband, sex takes a backseat to pulling weeds.

There are more differences. But the ones I’ve mentioned are enough to make the point: Men and women are different in nature and in need when it comes to sex.

Don’t Base Sex on Mutual Desire
With such wide-ranging differences in priority, intensity and timing, it’s clear that we must base our sexual fulfillment on something more than mutual desire. If we’re always waiting for our spouse to have the same sexual needs at the same time we do, we’re going to spend a lot of time waiting. Rarely are we going to have the same needs at the same time.

For that reason, there must be a spirit of servanthood in the marriage relationship. This was no secret in the first paradise. Sex was God’s idea. Adam and Eve were wired for ultimate sexual fulfillment. They could have had the ultimate sex, because God created them to serve Him and serve each other. They were helpmates in the Garden.

But they sinned and lost the paradise of their marriage. Do you remember that one of their first responses when sin came into their relationship was to cover themselves with fig leaves? Their sexuality was separated, withheld from each other, the moment they sinned, because the essence of the sin of mankind is to reject servanthood to God and others.

Servants Live to Please
Sin has made serving one another seem much more complicated than it really is. That was evident when a lawyer, who was testing Jesus, asked, “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” (See: Matthew 22:36).

Jesus answered, “‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 22:37-40).

The two greatest commandments are a response to man’s greatest needs —to serve God and to serve other people. Serving others is the essence of why we were created. That’s why many servants are much happier than their masters —they live to please another person, not to please themselves. This is the way man is designed. It’s why government employees —from the police officer to the president —are called public servants. It’s why a successful employee seeks ways to help serve the vision and goals of the business he works for. And it’s why business owners succeed not by hard work alone but by making sure their businesses serve the needs of their customers.

If your goal is to please other people, you can do that all day long and be successful at it. But if you live to please yourself, you have taken on an impossible task. Like a dog chasing its tail, self-satisfaction is impossible to find when that is what you live for.

Man was created to serve. All fulfillment in life comes from being a servant. …The world’s way is to be served; God’s way is to serve. The world’s way teaches us to focus on our own needs; God’s way teaches us to focus on other people’s needs. Nowhere is this principle of servanthood more at work than within the marriage relationship.

The above article comes from the book, Our Secret Paradise by Jimmy Evans, published by Regal Books. “You will find that Jimmy and Karen bring their hearts and their experiences to every page. This book is biblical, practical and full of rich illustrations of the Evans’s home and marriage. They are open about their own hearts and their experiences, not painting a picture of perfection but rather one of being sold out to help marriages grow that are on their watch.

“The seven secrets —the foundational principles to a better marriage —will give you hope. If you are single and discouraged about the potential for a healthy biblical marriage, Jimmy and Karen will paint a picture of what it takes to have a great marriage and encourage you to seek God’s best for yourself. If you are currently married and struggling, this book will give you a road map so that you can make mid course corrections to recapture your own paradise.”

-ALSO-

An additional article you may find helpful on this subject is found on the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine. Please click onto the link provided below to read:

• I’M NOT AGGRESSIVE ENOUGH

A missionary is to live for Christ so purposefully that those who don’t know Him are eventually drawn to Him through the working of the Holy Spirit. The life of a missionary isn’t supposed to detract from the message of Jesus Christ, but to help uncover and reveal His message everywhere they are called to minister.

When you think about it, can’t that also be applied to our homes? Aren’t we called to live for Christ so intentionally that those who are with us will see Christ? And wouldn’t that also include how we live with our spouses — communicating the Gospel with and without words? We’re told in 1 Corinthians 10:31, “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”

We ask you: Is how you’re living with your husband or wife distorting his or her view of the love of Christ? Does she or he see the glory of God revealed in the way you treat him or her? How do you help to bring God’s Kingdom into your house?

“Does your family see the difference Christ makes when you face a need? What difference does the presence of Jesus Christ make in your life? God wants to reveal Himself to those around you by working mightily through you. He wants your family to see Christ in your each day. God wants to express His love through your life. There’s a great difference between ‘living the Christian life’ and allowing Christ to live His life through you.” (Blackaby)

From the way we see it, God has entrusted each of us who are married, with a mission field that is right in our own homes as we live in covenant together…  as “a cord of three strands” (See Ecclesiastes 4:12). In truth however, that takes sacrifice on our part. There’s no doubt about it. It isn’t easy to live in loving sacrifice to God and to each other.

We’re told in the Bible as it pertains to marriage that “those who marry will face many troubles in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28). It’s inevitable that the mission field within our home will not be an easy one. That’s the way of the cross — it requires sacrifice. We should never forget that, or we’ll miss the message of Christ and miss communicating the message of Christ to each other and those around us.

As author Larry Crabb said in his book, The Marriage Builder,

“Husbands and wives are to regard marriage as an opportunity to minister in a unique and special way to another human being, to be used of God to bring their spouses into a more satisfying appreciation of their worth as persons who are secure and significant in Jesus Christ.”

Are you doing that? Are you cooperating with God, as His colleague, in living out the love of Christ in the way you interact with your spouse? Are you allowing your hands, your feet, and your voice to be His? Are you conveying the heart of Christ in the mission of showing God’s love and the Good News message to your spouse? Are you giving him/her reasons to thank God for your marrying you?

Keep in mind that Christ said, “I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me” (See Matthew 25:44-45). And that of course, includes your spouse, because marriage is a living example for all to see of Christ’s love for the church. What you do and do not do for your spouse, you do and do not do for Christ in the mission of your marriage.

A great definition of marriage comes from author Gary Thomas: “Marriage is a man and a woman in partnership on a life-long journey TOWARDS God.” What a mission God has given you in your marriage! Are you helping your spouse in the way you treat him or her, to journey TOWARDS God in his or her spiritual growth, or away from God?

Are you living your mission within your marriage? What about today… have you shown the love of God to your spouse today? Today can be a new beginning if you have lived otherwise yesterday.

We encourage you to pray for your spouse and to pray for yourself that He will show you how to reveal His love THROUGH you to him or her today and everyday for the rest of your lives together FROM THIS DAY FORWARD.

We pray with all our hearts that none of us, who are married, will take this mission lightly and that at the end of our days here on earth, the Lord will greet us with the words, “Well done good and faithful servant!”

Cindy and Steve Wright

We want to emphasize the term “almost always” as we discuss this subject though, because we realize that when one spouse (or both marriage partners) loses a job and/or another tragic financial setback comes into play like unexpected medical bills, etc., having enough money to pay the bills BECOMES a problem. Even so, the bigger problem can be the approach that is taken within the marriage to work through the challenges they are facing.

Do you turn on each other and accuse and fight against each other, or do you take a deep breath, pray and then find ways to unite to fight the problems — not each other? Statistics show that “half of all marriages end in divorce — with the majority of these citing ‘money problems’ as the number one factor in the breakup.” That’s pretty scary.

We read an article a number of years ago (sent to us by Smartmarriages.com) titled “Money Control” by J. Taylor that brought this subject to our attention. He wrote:

“A dear friend just told me that he and his wife were going to be filing for divorce after 20 years of marriage. What was the reason for their unhappiness? He says it’s because his wife has spent her way through his inheritance into more than $100,000 in debt. She says he never told her they were in financial trouble; she thought they had plenty of money to pay for everything.

“…The way I see it, they’ve got two things to talk about (in the counseling sessions they agreed to have in order to save their marriage). No matter which one of them is at fault over their financial mess (probably both of them are) — they need to come up with a plan to dig out of it. Whether they get divorced or not, their lifestyle will change. It will become simpler… Once the financial stress is lifted a little, maybe they will be able to focus more on their relationship instead of their financial problems.

“That fits in with the 2nd challenge for them — they need to talk and listen to each other. I’m certain that he told her many times that she needed to watch their budget for the month or something to that effect. He said it often enough to his co-workers. And, I know there were mornings he came to work [angry] because they had been arguing about money.

“His wife needs to listen to him and he needs to listen to her. They each need to set aside their hurt egos and feelings. Their marriage is worth saving — 20 years is a long time. And, they have a teenage son.

“When I look into their futures as single people, I don’t see much good from a financial viewpoint. She’ll have custody of their teenager. She won’t be able to get a good paying job without more education or training, and he will have to support 2 households for 10 or more years. Their retirement savings will be split and neither will have enough to live comfortably. It’s enough to support one household — not two. They’re both in their 50’s. He will have to defer retirement if his health permits. She will have to work too. So money is an excuse…  not the real problem.

“I hope they give counseling a chance to help them salvage their marriage. It takes time, opening up to each other, and hard work. I hope they expend as much effort and time on fixing their relationship as they did on avoiding their problems.”

In this time of financial uncertainty throughout the world, it’s especially important for us to look more seriously at the ways we can wisely spend the money God entrusts to our care.

A few years back, Steve had his salary greatly reduced. We were deeply concerned as to how we would be able to make it financially, as well as still help finance Marriage Missions, and dedicate as much time it takes to run the ministry (in light of taking on another job). We made the decision to attack the problem and not each other to prayerfully figure out what needed to be done.

Eventually, as we prayed about it, got advice from others who could help us figure out what to do, we’ve been able to do what needed to be done without damaging our relationship. God has been faithful to meet our every need, including the needs of Marriage Missions.

We realize that some of you have even more serious financial problems than we faced and are facing. We encourage you to face each other, talking and LISTENING to each of your concerns and perspectives to combat the problems — instead of fighting against each other.

Pray, research, and work together to make things work for your marriage financially. We have a lot of articles, resource recommendations and great web site links provided on our web site that can help you.

If you have a spouse that is willing to partner with you in dealing with your finances… that is great! If you want a specific “Prayer for Finances” to use as a guideline, you can click onto the following link which will take you to the web site for Christian Marriage Today. To do so, please click HERE.

And if your spouse is willing to PRAY, listen to God and other godly counselors on this, and work together… that is even better. Working together on this will be the most helpful.

God’s word tells us “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work… Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:9 and Ecclesiastes 4:12). Of course, the third strand is God. Don’t underestimate how much stronger you are with God helping you!!!

And even if your spouse is uncooperative, you can still pray and do things as God guides you. He will make sure your needs are taken care of, even if you have a spiritually disobedient spouse fighting against you.

“The point is not how much or how little you have; it’s how you perceive and handle the resources God gives you” (Ron Blue).

It’s our prayer that you will work together as a team to handle whatever comes your way with prayer and care — giving the Lord first place in your lives. Our love is with you as together we work to make our marriages the best they can be with the Lord’s guidance.

Cindy and Steve Wright