One pastor we heard of, recommends to everyone he marries that they write out their wedding vows, frame them, and then display them somewhere in their home so they’ll continually be reminded what they promised each other. What an outstanding idea! Too often we forget what we promise each other on our wedding day —kind of like the man “who looks at his face in a mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets” (James 1:23-24). We often say our “I do’s” at the altar and then walk away afterward from what we promised as if we never said them.

But we need to tell you that the marriage vows you promise each other, are very important to God. They aren’t something God takes lightly or later forgets. And neither should you or your spouse. The Bible says, “Let your ‘yes’ be yes, and your ‘no’ be no or you will be condemned” (James 5:12). It’s also noted, “It is a trap for a man to dedicate something rashly and only later consider his vows” (Proverbs 20:25).

Up front, we want you to know this isn’t a Marriage Message intended to throw verbal stones at anyone. God knows we’re ALL sinners, and no one can “cast the first stone” without throwing some their own way (and Steve and I recognize that we’re included in that mob). Sadly, we’ve sure gone through times when we didn’t take our vows as seriously as we should have!

Instead, this message is hopefully a wake-up call for us all, as it concerns our marriages. As God’s children, we are God’s ambassadors representing the bride and Bridegroom to a world that needs to see this living picture lived out in healthy ways. And may we do so to the glory of God!

Author H. Dale Burke says something important about the marriage vows couples promise each other on their wedding day. He says that those who marry often look at them as a romantic, “legal” or “religious” formality “to be dispensed with before the party can begin” (and afterward they wake up to reality, rather than a lifelong party). He says,

“… Maybe they just consider [their vows] to be a part of cultural tradition, like singing the national anthem before a ball game or saying the pledge of allegiance at the start of a school day. But what SHOULD it mean — what DOES it mean to say such things to a person in the presence of God? What does God do during the wedding? Is He, like us, merely a spectator?”

No. God said, through the Bible, something that both men and women should pay attention to:

“You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because He no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, ‘Why?’ It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. And why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. ‘I hate divorce,’ says the Lord God of Israel, ‘and I hate a man’s covering himself [which actually means 'his wife'] with violence as well as with his garment,’ says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit and do not break faith” (Malachi 2:13-16).

God takes marriage and committing violence with words and deeds very seriously. It is a way of breaking faith. (Ephesians 4 and 5 and 1 Peter 3 speaks more on this and the way we should conduct ourselves in our marriages so that we live with each other in an “understanding way.”

In all honesty, Steve and I have to admit that we didn’t have much of a grasp on understanding what we were committing ourselves to on our wedding day. If God hadn’t woken us up (and we hadn’t followed His leading), our marriage would have probably ended up as a divorce statistic instead of a love story written by God (which we believe our marriage is now). God showed us that when we started treating each other disrespectfully, our relationship started to go down the same slippery slope that many others go down to their marital deaths (as ours almost did as well).

We had to make a complete reversal of the way we were treating each other and learn how to relate together in healthier ways. And it sure hasn’t been easy, and at times it still isn’t to this day! Even though we know better, we find that we can still fall into the same “disrespectful and unloving” trap other couples do as they try to live out their wedding vows.

When that happens, we have to step back, regroup, connect again with God and with each other, and “fight the good fight” WITH GOD, instead of aiming at and fighting against each other. (If you find yourself in this same hurtful cycle, you’ll find a lot of helpful articles, tools, and recommended resources on the Marriage Missions web site to help you make your relationship a healthier one.)

H. Dale Burke, in his book, “Different by Design” (published by Moody Press) gives insight on this when he wrote,

“I’ll never forget the couple who showed up in my office weekly trying to patch up their marriage which, while in trouble, had incurred no damage that was beyond repair. … This was just two Christians who hadn’t learned to think ‘we’ instead of ‘me.’ They had never been taught to value and respect one another or nurture their love.

“Tragically, the biggest obstacle standing between them and reconciliation was Christian friends who kept fueling their frustrations and counseling them to give up. The very group of people who should have been cheering their efforts to save the marriage was sabotaging the rescue mission.

“At least one part of this couple’s problem was rooted in a misunderstanding of what marriage is all about. They, like most newlyweds today, saw marriage as a contract, which, according to my dictionary, is a ‘binding agreement.’ At the heart of every contract is a set of conditions or promises — the ‘deal.’ The deal is, you do this for me and I’ll do that for you.

“A contract lays out what ‘this’ and ‘that’ consists of. It also has an escape clause; either stated or implied, which says that if you fail to do ‘this,’ then I can stop doing ‘that.’ And in recent times, quite frankly, many people don’t feel that their contracts mean much of anything. All I need to justify breaking one is to say I’m not happy with the deal.

“Tragically, this flexible concept of contracts is how many people now view marriage. ‘If my marriage is an ordeal,’ they say, ”I’ll opt out and look for a better deal somewhere else.’ This is the unspoken amendment many people attach to their spoken vows of matrimony. Men and women differ in a lot of ways when it comes to what they bring to the marriage relationship, but this is a weakness they both share. Thousands of husbands and wives exercise this escape clause every year.

“A question worth asking, then, if words have meaning and we desire to be responsible with our wedding vows, is the same question abbreviated on so many bracelets and other items in recent years: What would Jesus do? Or better yet, what would Jesus declare about marriage, divorce, and the meaning behind those vows so often heard at weddings?”

You can read what Jesus said in Matthew 19 and you can understand more as you read through what the Bible says about relationships. Saying “I do” is the easy part, living it is a whole different matter. That’s the difficult part!

Through it all, please know that:

“Marriage can be wonderful. It can be deeply satisfying and mutually fulfilling. But IF it becomes that, it is because BOTH partners have paid a very high price over many years to make it that way. They will have died to selfishness a thousand times. They will have had countless difficult conversations. They will have endured sleepless nights and strained days. The will have prayed hundreds of prayers for wisdom and courage and understanding. They will have said, ‘I’m sorry’ too many times to remember. They will have been stretched to the breaking point often enough to have learned that, unless Christ is at the center of both their lives, the odds for achieving marital satisfaction are very, very low” (Bill and Lynne Hybels).

And to that we say, Amen! It’s a tough mission —one that is more difficult than we could ever anticipate before we say “I do.” But with mind-sets to persevere, with intentionality to do what it takes to make your marriage the best it can be, and with God’s help, all things are possible (and can have it’s times of being “wonderful”) .

We pray as you look to the Lord, He will help your marriage to be one that reflects the heart of Christ,
Cindy and Steve Wright

And by “people” we’re specifically referring to Christians, because that’s who we’re addressing in this message. For those of you who are followers of Christ who are looking to marry someday or maybe you know a Christian who is considering marriage (that you could pass this information on to), please keep reading. It’s vitally important to marry the right person the FIRST time and not give into the current divorce trend that is happening in today’s world.

We are not to be marrying with just our hearts, but use God’s wisdom, discernment, and insight as well. It’s important to “keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterward” (Ben Franklin). If you didn’t do this yourself (and/or your spouse didn’t), maybe you can join us to prevent future tragedies in helping others to NOT make the same mistakes. It’s the “live, learn, and pass it on” principle.

It’s truly puzzling to us, why Christians aren’t being more cautious in who and when they marry — especially when it’s such a life-changing decision for them, and it’s extremely important to God’s Kingdom work. Marriage is portrayed throughout the Bible as a living, symbolic picture of Christ’s love for His church. How we interact with each other within our marriage is a vehicle God wants to use to demonstrate to the world, the sacrificial love of Christ.

God has a loving message He wants to speak through our married lives to help draw those who don’t know Him, to Himself. How sad that so many of us aren’t recognizing this and being more careful as we approach marriage so our living testimony is a positive one.

Even when building a tower the Lord warns about how important it is to “consider the costs” so that in the end, things will come out as they should and the builder won’t suffer regrets as well as be “ridiculed” by those who are watching (see Luke 14:28-30). And yet how much more important it is to “consider the costs” of building a marriage, which comes on the other side of the wedding ceremony! The vows we commit to are supposed to last a lifetime, it’s not just a limited time offer until the “love” and happiness dies. God didn’t design marriage to be a temporary union until something or someone better comes along.

For this reason, we caution those of you who are approaching marriage to BE VERY SURE to make your vows ONLY to someone who is committed to building a marriage relationship for a lifetime with you and with God, as “a cord of three strands” (Ecclesiastes 4:12). Love can be fun and grand when it’s all new and shiny, but eventually the shine wears off. At that point you’ll see how important it is to be married to someone who is committed to you and to God to build and rebuild, work and rework on your marriage relationship with unity as a goal.

In approaching marriage, be aware that many of us have “blind spots” that we don’t see or want to see concerning this sacred union and the person we think we should marry. Author Rob Eagar addresses this in his book “Dating with Pure Passion” (Harvest House Publishers). He wrote, “Some are too quick to think God has given them a revelation to marry through some inner feeling or ironic coincidence. They don’t do the hard work of carefully thinking the decision through.”

We’ve been contacted by many, many people who have gotten caught up in this phenomenon, only later to regret marrying without better preparing. God DOES sometimes reveal our future mate to us, but not very often. It’s important to slow things down, prepare just the same and make SURE you both rightly heard God and are willing to stay promise keepers in the future when things get tough — which they will. We all go through tough times in marriage. Just because God draws you together, it doesn’t mean that you are exempt from working through difficult issues that arise.

Rob Eagar also points out in his book that “similar problems (in overlooking blind spots) are caused by idealizing. We may hold to unreasonable ideals about romantic love or the perfect mate. Having ideals for marriage is crucial, but it is vital that these be realistic and in line with God’s best intentions for our life.”

Amen! Be aware that romantic love can sometimes be fantasy love, where you’re more in love with love and the person you THINK you’re marrying, than the one you are indeed marrying. For this reason, it’s best to prepare more for the marriage than the wedding. The wedding is only a one day fantasy event, which is nice and fun, but marriage is to be lived out for the rest of your lives together.

Don’t try to cheat by holding back on getting to better know each other and learn to work through important issues as you should in a healthy way. It will set the course for the direction of your marriage (if you find that it’s still wise to marry once you’ve done the work you should). We’ve got a lot of tools, articles and recommended resources on our web site to help you in this mission.

Keep in mind that once you’re married, your life will no longer be only yours to consider. You’re no longer ONE individual making decisions as to how you’re to proceed in every situation. From the moment you say “I do”, you change the dynamics of your life FROM THAT DAY FORWARD and your responsibility will be to consider your spouse in every choice you make (and for your spouse to do the same) so you “cleave together” in partnership as God intends. (Read 1 Corinthians 7 and Mark 10:2-9 for further explanation.)

Being cleaved together in marriage doesn’t mean that you’re so enmeshed in each other that one of you is erased. It means that the two of you, with very different personalities, strengths, weaknesses, expectations, and inclinations, may not always THINK ALIKE … but after you make your vows to each other, you are now committed to “THINK TOGETHER.”

Your goal will continually be to make daily choices, considering what’s best for the health of your relationship with each other and with God. Any decision you make that tears away from that sacred commitment comes with a very costly price to pay both emotionally and spiritually.

Marriage isn’t for those who want to hang onto their independence or those who aren’t willing to do the hard work it takes to grow in maturity and selflessness. You should only marry if you are prepared to be resourceful to FIND ways to weather even the toughest of times together.

You also need to look deep within yourself to work on your own issues to become the best you can be as a follower of Christ and a marriage partner — working together with God to love your spouse HIS way. Look to the Bible as your guidebook for that. The principles for loving your spouse are the principles for living that you find throughout the Bible.

“Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen your love and reverence, trust, and obedience for Jesus Christ. Marriage is not so much about you or your spouse — it is more about God” (Emerson Eggerichs). If you can’t love each other as God does, then marrying is not a good idea.

BE VERY SURE BEFORE YOU MARRY that you are BOTH able to live in marriage as God would have you.  “Be imitators of God as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 5:1-2).

May God give you wisdom in your approach to marriage,
Cindy and Steve Wright

Is that your goal in marriage? It sure is ours! Since the day we committed our lives to Christ, it’s been our goal not to deny God anything. We continually strive to give our all to Him and our lives have been all the richer for it.

We continually pray that when others see us, they will see Christ IN us and will want to know our God better —that we won’t distort the message of the love of Christ through how we live our lives. We also pray we will always live faithful and fully committed to our God and to each other for the rest of our lives. May God help us in this mission, and may this is your mission as well!

This week we want to share with you a true testimony from the lives of two ordinary people who lived in extraordinary faithfulness to the marriage commitment they made to each other over half a decade before. The full article is titled “57 Years in 5 Simple Steps” and was featured in Marriage Partnership Magazine several years ago.

In this article, Phil Callaway had asked his parents to give him “5 good reasons” why they were still together. What his mom wrote was simple and yet has sure has inspired us in our marriage. We hope it will inspire you as well.

The following is a “brief summary” of Phil’s parents’ marital experience: “‘Five reasons We’re Still Together’ by Victor and Bernice Callaway.

1. “EXAMPLE: When we were married, we hardly knew about divorce. I guess everyone at our wedding, including us, fully expected the knot to stay tied. We watched their marriages. We had seen their faithfulness. We would stay faithful too. We realize you won’t have that advantage. Some of your closest friends may pack it in. But no matter how dark the road gets, you will find examples of faithfulness. AND WHEN YOU CAN’T FIND EXAMPLES, YOU CAN STILL BE ONE.

2. “COMMITMENT: Sometimes I felt like walking out on Dad. And a few times I did. Early in our marriage I occasionally took long walks to get away from him. But I always returned to his loving arms. We made a pledge before God that we would stay committed to each other for life.

3. “DEVOTIONS: Through reading God’s Word and praying together almost every night, we learned what God planned and expected for our marriage. We memorized verses that encouraged us to be loving, kind and honest and to keep on forgiving. We asked God for guidance and He provided it. We prayed for children and embraced each one as gifts from God.

4. “TOGETHERNESS: As a Christian family we stuck together, warts and all. Though we often failed, we’re learning to admit wrong and ask for forgiveness. We laughed lots. We cried lots. We talked lots. We worked together and we played together.

5. “GOALS: Since the day we said our vows, our goal has been to walk worthy of the Lord and to keep on walking until we see his face. Sometimes we’ve fallen flat on our faces. But when that happened, we’ve been given grace to get up and claim God’s promise: ‘My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest’ (Exodus 33:14).

“Aging brings with it a whole new challenge. It’s no flat plateau; sometimes the hills seem steeper and the cliffs more precarious, but we’re learning to trust God for what’s ahead and to thank him for the abundant and undeserved mercies of the past.

“Not long after I read my mom’s note, someone informed me that another of my wedding day videos (that he tapes on various weekends) had become obsolete. I thought about my parents standing at the altar on a day when the temperature dipped to 45 below in Toronto. They knew that 10 days later Dad would go back to war, leaving his tearful bride waving from a train station platform. So they joined hands and promised to be faithful. They had no idea that their first child would die in their arms or that they would spend their entire lives below the poverty line. But they vowed to comfort each other, no matter what came their way.

“By today’s standards Mom and Dad didn’t have much… just $75, a solitary wedding ring and a suitcase full of dreams. More than half a century later, they still don’t have much. But their dreams were never about good fortune. Instead they dreamed of children who would follow God — and they got five of them. They dreamed of years of faithfulness — and they got more than 57 years of them. You can travel the world, but I’ll guarantee you one thing: you’ll never meet two wealthier people.”

It’s our prayer that we’ll be able to pass onto our children a love story such as this married couple did. What a precious inheritance! And it is our hope that you’ll also be able to live out a wonderful love story for all who are in your life to witness. As we’ve heard it said before, “It’s not how you start the race that’s as important as how you finish.” If you have issues to work through, lean into learning how to do this with the wisdom and strength God can give you.

We hope that if your love story falls short of that which the Lord longs for you to demonstrate, you’ll take to heart and live out what we’re told in the Bible,

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart” (Hebrews 12:1-3).

Steve and Cindy Wright

“Since we’ve personally experienced communication problems and other struggles in our relationship, we can stand here, not any better than any of you—but maybe a little older and have been down the path a little further to pass along to you the same comfort and encouragement that God has given us— and God has given us a lot! (Yep! Steve and I can relate!)

“Our principle message is about differences. Sometimes people think differences are to be endured. We’d like to present that differences are to be appreciated. The world’s system doesn’t understand this because one of the grounds for divorce is incompatibility— which means ‘they were different from each other’.

But differences are actually God-designed. It’s ok to be different. Yet we don’t always live out those differences in ways that can benefit the other. We read a poem that reminded us of what goes on in our lives. It’s called: ‘He Said, She Said’ and it reads:

“Another marriage is shattered, Lord.
The divorce will be final next week.
He said it was the breakdown of communication
and a subtle infiltration of boredom;
She said it was an accumulation of things.
He said she was unnecessarily preoccupied
with home and children and activities.
She said he stifled her dreams
and ignored her achievements.

“He said he felt imprisoned and restricted—

that night after night he got the old push-away.
She said he was harsh and brutal
and he often embarrassed her in public.
He said her critical attitudes
contributed to his sense of inadequacy.
She said she felt lonely and unappreciated
with no claim to personal identity.

He said she wallowed in self-pity
and refused to acknowledge her benefits.
She said he was thriftless and irresponsible.
He said she didn’t understand;
she said he didn’t care.

Lord, how tragic!
Through all the wearisome years
neither of them asked…

what YOU said.

“What we want to do is tell you what the Lord says about relationships. It came to me that in Philippians, where we read about the minds of Christ in chapter 2, that unless we have the mind of Christ, we cannot carry out the things He tells us to do. Starting in verse 5 it says:

“‘Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men, and being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore also God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those who are in heaven, and on earth, and under the earth, and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father.’

“There are several things the Lord did in that passage. He’s our example, so there are four things we have to do. First He denied Himself. Then He became a servant. The next thing that He did was humble himself before God. If you’re going to do things God’s way you’re going to have to humble yourself. It’s not any fun to do that —especially when you know that you’re right. But then He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death—even death on a cross.

“When you humble yourselves and become obedient, you think you’re going to die. You come back to self-denial— and go right through that again as a servant. And the thing that will happen is, you will be exalted. The Lord says, ‘humble yourself before the Lord and He will exalt you.’

“That’s what’s happened to us as a married couple. Because one of us is willing to be obedient then the other is the benefactor. And when one of us is the benefactor, we’re both benefactors. And you get the good circle going instead of the bad circle.”

“The Bible talks in Genesis 2 about the ‘helper’ situation in marriage. It means to be a completer. It’s good that a woman and a man in marriage are different because you complete each other. Further in Genesis 2 it says, ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife in such a way that the two become one person.’

“The word joined means glued. That’s why divorce is so destructive. When you put them together, it’s like two pieces of paper that you glue together. When you separate them there’s inevitably going to be scars of each on the other.

“It’s a devastating thing to see the scars from a previous relationship carried into the present one. If you’ve experienced this, draw a line in the sand saying, ‘The past is past. I’m going to look to the future and make the most of my present.’”

What Chuck and Barb shared contains so many truths. We can get so caught up in our own perspective of how we see ourselves being treated in a marriage that we forget God’s perspective in all of this. He’s usually more concerned about our character development than our comfort level. And what we’ve learned through He can use to help others and us, if we’re open to it.

If you were to stand before the Lord today to give an account for how you interact with your spouse concerning how you handle your differences and incompatibility, would He be able to say, “well done, good and faithful servant”? Are you living a “life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” as we’re told in the Bible in Ephesians 5? If not— today can be a new beginning. It’s never wrong to start doing what is right.

Steve and Cindy Wright

That phrase of, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” is being said and lived out by marriage partners here, there, and everywhere we turn, it seems. It’s like a deadly plague in epidemic proportions, that is infecting and killing marriages all over the world. We call it the “in and out of love” sickness, because that’s what it is.

I have to confess that this same insidious sickness invaded our marriage as well. A number of years ago, I felt the same way about my husband, Steve. I was tired of what was going on in our marriage and just wasn’t experiencing the same romantic feelings I once had for him so I concluded that I wasn’t “in love” with him anymore and that this “love” would never return. I wanted out!

These feelings, or lack there-of, almost brought about the death of our marriage relationship. Thankfully, God intervened to open my eyes and then to help resurrect a new love —a true love within my heart and mind for my husband. We now have a great marriage (with on-going work) and a deep, deep love for each other.

And since that time of our “lost love”, I’ve learned a few things that I’d like to pass along to you. Hopefully, it will help someone in some way. Whether you’re the one who has heard those words said to you by your spouse or you’re the one who is experiencing that “lost love” in your heart, I pray you will be able to benefit from what I’ve lived, learned, and want to pass along to you.

Through what I’ve experienced and have learned it has been revealed to me that:

We can say the words “I love you” but that doesn’t mean that we understand what is involved in truly loving someone. Words can be cheap. Love is lived out by our words AND our actions. We can get a type of high from the experience and when that “high” leaves us, we’re ready to slink away and jump into the next emotional high of what “love” brings our way.

And in the wake of our jumping from one LOVE to the next, a lot of people —especially children, are left behind devastated. Somehow, we need to change this and reach for mature and growing love.

“‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they’re IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.’” (Mort Ferel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But I’m Not in Love With You“)

Love is more than feelings. Feelings can deceive you. One minute you feel one way and the next you don’t. You may THINK you love, but actually what you could be experiencing is temporary infatuation, “lust” or a bio-chemical rush that lasts for a season that is unsustainable in the long-run without following through with decisions to help it to grow.

A great article to explain this phenomenon is posted on the Marriage Partnership Magazine web site. If you’d like to find out more about it please click onto the link below to read:

• WE’VE GOT CHEMISTRY

I didn’t realize this when I first fell in “love” and eventually married Steve. I can now see as I look back that my “love” for him was probably based more on a bio-chemical attraction than anything else.. I can totally relate to something that relationship expert Pat Love, explained about this type of “love”. She wrote:

“‘Love at first sight’ can happen, but most often infatuation begins with fondness or comfort in each other’s presence. Later there comes a flush or a quickened heartbeat upon encounter, or maybe a heightened energy when you are together. As the infatuation continues, separation from your love creates a great deal of anxiety. When not together, you daydream about reunion and anxiously anticipate the next encounter. To comfort yourself, you might replay former encounters in your mind, sleep with a shirt left behind, listen to a song that reminds you of him or her, or listen to an old message on your answering machine. As the relationship takes on special meaning, you long for further contact and spend time and energy scheming about ways to get together.

“…When the lover’s affection is confirmed, daily priorities get reordered. The workaholic misses deadlines. The penny-pincher blows a paycheck on plane fare. Sleep is sacrificed for [times together]. Long phone conversations and/or e-mails abound. Both people have a remarkable ability to emphasize what is admirable in the other partner. They may even feel compassion for negative traits to the extent of turning the into positives (’He is so honest, he told me all about his affairs’).

“The brain is an incredible creation; it begins working long before your birth and doesn’t stop until you fall in love.” (Pat Love, from the book, “The Truth About Love”)

Can you relate? I sure can! Not only can I relate to the fluttery feelings that infatuation brings, because I sure experienced that with my husband Steve for a long time, but I can also relate to the brain stopping —both during the infatuation stage as well as later as I lived out my own definition of love.

After the infatuation stage passed, I think my love for my husband evolved into something that was based more on how he made me feel. As long as he made me feel good about myself and our relationship, I was “in love” with him. But when the everydayness of marriage and circumstantial storms invaded our lives and many conflicts between us arose out of it all (plus, the fact that Steve and I were very young and immature), my “love” seemed to disappear.

As authors Dr Les and Leslie Parrott wrote in their book I Love You More:

“Without love there would be no wedding, and certainly no marriage. Love is the catalyst for commitment. Love is what insures that every marriage starts out good. But sooner or later every good marriage bumps into negative things. And that’s what honest couples discover —that love, no matter how good, is never enough.”

And it sure wasn’t enough for us — at least not the type of love we had for each other, based mostly on feelings. I may have loved Steve in my own way, but it wasn’t the sustainable love that would hold our relationship together when problems clouded over our feelings.

It was at that critical fork in the road in our marriage that God revealed to me that:

Love is both a noun and a verb. In other words, “love” names and states your feelings (as a noun), but it is also something that demands action (as a verb) to help it to be and stay real.

Yes, I did many things for Steve (and complained about many of them when it seemed too one-sided), but I didn’t get the concept that my feelings wouldn’t always be pronounced or even evident at times, which would make me want to continue doing things for him.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is one of the many places in the Bible where we can see that God points this out to us. Every “love is” that is mentions in those Bible passages, such as “patient”, “kind”, “does not envy”, “is not rude” etc, puts a verb to it. That doesn’t mean that love is ONLY about actions, but it’s a very important part of it. We sometimes forget that.

“While someone who says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ seems to be making a distinction between ‘different loves;’ in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that’s why they’re having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?).

“Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. Love is a verb. It’s not a feeling you get from another PERSON; it’s an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person. And those deeds are not a secret. In other words, love is NOT a mystery! There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage. (Mort Ferel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But I’m Not in Love With You“)

God taught me that I had to put feet to my faith and feet to my love for my husband. Love is both a noun and a verb. I learned that sometimes, even though the feelings of love were not there, I still needed to be loving in my actions and eventually the feelings would come along for the ride. What I did for Steve, I did “as unto the Lord” and trusted Him for the result. I needed to exercise mature love —the type that Jesus showed us “while we were yet sinners” as He died for us on the cross.

“Most people think that the FEELING of love comes BEFORE we express love — and in the beginning of a relationship, that’s what happens. You fall in love and THEN you do acts of love. Your feelings inspire your actions.

“But mature love asks more of you. To create a strong LASTING marriage, you first CHOOSE LOVING ACTIONS. Your feelings will follow. After all, you don’t jog two miles or skip dessert because you feel healthy. You feel healthy because you jogged two miles and skipped dessert. So too, when it comes to your marriage, YOUR ACTIONS CREATE YOUR FEELINGS!” (From the article “Change the Momentum of Your Marriage” by Mort Ferel)

I’ve learned that you can learn to love the same person all over again with intentionality and God’s help. I really didn’t think my love would come back for Steve. It’s something God had to work on in my heart and I had to trust Him for —all a part of the faith-walk we are on this side of heaven. I’ve talked to many others who have found themselves in the same place with their spouses and they thought the same thing. But I did what I needed to do, and they did as well, and our marriages got back onto the right track as a result.

It doesn’t happen this way for everyone, but I’ve seen that it happens more than we could imagine as we trust God to help us to live as we should, no matter what we see going on at the time.

For me, it was a journey that God took me on to first learn what real love was all about and to learn more about God, whose very name means LOVE. If He couldn’t teach me how to love and be one who is more lovable, who could? I got into the Bible and learned more about God’s ways, learned more about my husband, worked on my own issues and became intentional in living out the principles of love I was learning even before I had the feelings I desired. It was a difficult journey but one worth taking.

I can relate to what author Nancie Carmichael wrote:

“Marriage can be better than ever, if we will do what Jesus says. We can be very complicated when it comes to restoring love. We wait for ‘feelings.’ But we don’t need to wait for the feelings of love —we can “do” love. Jesus says that we are to do what He says. What does it mean to ‘do’ what He says?

“It means to be kind to one another. It means we will lay down our lives for each other —which could mean truly listening to one another. It means we speak the truth in love to each other and treat each other as we want to be treated. These are not dramatic, new ideas. But love never fails. It bears fruit. The amazing thing about Jesus is that feelings follow actions.” (Nancie Carmichael, from the Christian Mommies web site, in an article you can read further and learn more by clicking onto “Fall in Love With Your Spouse Again“)

Again, something that marriage expert, Mort Ferel says applies as well:

“Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable —you can ‘make’ love (from the article “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You“).

I realize by saying all of this, that I may be “preaching to the choir” —that you may be “doing” and “making” love until you’re ready to fall apart with no end in sight. And you may be exhausted barely hanging on.

I have to say that I don’t know the journey you are on in all of this. And I truly am sorry for you pain. It may be that you need to keep “doing” and keep asking God to show you how to endure going on without seeing an end in sight. I’ve seen this happen before. I’ve actually been there before in other prayer areas of my life.

I’m reminded of Noah and Abraham and Joseph and Job, from the Bible who probably saw no end in sight in answer to their situations despite all they had to keep doing all along their journey. But eventually they did see a positive answer to their toils and their prayers.

I’m also reminded of missionaries who will go years and years without a single convert and then eventually, because they kept going on and didn’t give up (even though they were discouraged more times than they could count), they saw a glimmer of hope. And hope was renewed and prayers were answered.

I’m also reminded of the many gold miners in the United States, years ago, who gave up JUST before they would have struck gold, and history records how close they came to victory, but someone else received the benefit of their labor instead. They gave up JUST before the going got good.

I can’t tell you if that is the journey you are on or not. I know that it tells us in the Bible “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).

And I can tell you that Jesus said, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light” (Matthew 11:28-30).

It also says in the Bible that “those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:31).

I can’t tell you that the “rest” or the renewed “strength” you will receive, or the “harvest” will come in the way that you expect, because God ways can’t be boxed in and predicted like that. But just as Elijah found out, God is there for us, even in a whisper (see 1 Kings 19) or a completely different way.

When we trust him and “lean not upon our own understanding” as we’re told in Proverbs 3:5-6, He will make our “paths straight” for the journey we are on. HE will “not leave us or forsake us” (see Deuteronomy 31:6 and Hebrews 13:5), even if others might do so.

He might be quiet for a while for whatever purpose He may have, but you can be assured that He loves you and is closer than you think.

This article cannot give you all the answers. I don’t have them. I’ve learned a lot through the years about love and marriage and not giving up and persevering beyond the strength I thought I had.

Some of you may have to live out tougher love than you ever thought you would or could. How I wish I could change that for you. I know the type of pain that involves and it’s worse than one can often describe. If you believe this might be the case for you, the following, are a couple of articles that may help you better understand this concept can be found at the following web site links:

• ASK DR DAVID: True Love Requires Tough Love

• TOUGH LOVE: 5 Keys to Staying Married When You Feel Like Calling it Quits

And then for a different twist, some ideas to pray about from an article that isn’t written from a Christian perspective (and isn’t posted on a Christian web site), but it gives you serious food for thought and something to pray about and consider when your spouse says, “I don’t love you.” Please click onto the link below to read:

• THOSE AREN’T FIGHTING WORDS, DEAR

Again, we can’t give you all of the answers within this article. But in my research, I’ve learned a few additional things from other marriage educators and authors that I’d like to pass along to you. It may be the reason you are to read this article, to gain a clearer understanding of your situation and then eventually the Lord will reveal more to help you in the future.

When a person says “I love you but I’m not IN love with you:

“It usually means that the attitude towards your spouse and marriage is not what it once was. …The person who says ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’ is searching for a feeling. The marriage has stopped giving them a feeling they want and expect to have. It is an attitude that builds up after months and/or years of lifeless marriage — a marriage that has no intimacy. …’I'm not in love with you anymore’ actually means ‘I don’t feel close to you anymore.” (Angie Lewis from the Helium.com article titled “Testimonies: Falling In and Out of Love)

As I said before, feelings can come and go.

“A person who says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,’ is making a distinction between 2 different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings are love! When a person says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,’ they’re saying that I CARE about you but I’m not EXCITED about you.

“CARING about someone is a good thing. It’s reflective of CONCERN. But it’s different than love. I care about the starving children in Africa, but I don’t love them. Being EXCITED about someone is a good thing. But it’s different than love. I might be excited to have a relationship with President of the United States or a Hollywood star, but that doesn’t mean I love them. (Mort Ferel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You” (You can also receive Successful Marriage Tips via the email, on his web site.)

Again, there is a difference in feelings and the label we can put upon the term “love” but true love is more than having feelings for a person. There is more required to truly live out a “life of love” as we’re told in Ephesians 5:1-2, “Be imitators of God, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”

How I/we wish we could infuse new and true love in your spouse’s heart for you, and/or love in your heart for your spouse! But as much as we wish we could, we can’t.

But what we can do it point you to the One who can renew your hope, encouraging you to believe that this is not the end of the world for you. The Lord can bind up your broken heart and bring healing and help in ways you may not be able to imagine at this time.

In closing, I would like to share something with you that is written in Stormie Omartian’s book, “Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage” (that we recommend you read). It is a prayer, based on scripture  that I believe God could use to help you in your situation. It’s titled “Prayer for Breakthrough in Me.” You may want to use it as an outline to pray through, for God to minister to your heart.

You can’t MAKE your spouse participate in your marriage in the way he or she should, but you can ask God to keep your heart and mind and focus centered on doing things His way, and to give you peace of mind in the process. Here’s the prayer:

“LORD I COME BEFORE YOU and cast all my cares at Your feet, knowing that You care for me (1 Peter 5:7). I thank You that Your plans for me are for a good future filled with peace and hope (Jeremiah 29:11). Help me to remember that no matter what is happening in my life and in my marriage, You will never leave me or forsake me.

“Lord, I confess as sin any time I have felt hopeless about my situation and especially about important aspects of my marriage. Your Word says that ‘hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when desire comes, it is a tree of life’ (Proverbs 13:12). When time passes for so long and I see no change, I feel heartsick and hopeless. But I confess any hopelessness I have to You, for You have said that whatever doesn’t come from faith is sin (Romans 14:23). It reveals that my faith in Your power to change things is weak. I pray that You would help me to not hesitate to hope again out of fear that I will be disappointed. I commit to trusting in You at all times. I pour out my heart before You, knowing You are my God of refuge (Psam 62:8).

“Help me to become a child —entirely dependent upon You, for I know that this is the safest place I can be. I pray that You would ‘search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting’ (Psalm 139:23-24). Enable me to become all I need to be.

“In the midst of challenges in my marriage I say, ‘Be merciful to me! For my soul trusts in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge, until these calamities have passed by’ (Psalm 57:1).

“Even though we may suffer at times in this marriage because of things one of us has done or not done, I know that You are ‘able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us’ (Ephesians 3:20-21). I will be strong and take heart because my hope is in You (Psalm 31:24).

“Thank You that You put my tears in Your bottle (Psalm 56:8). I pray that You, Holy Spirit, would give me ‘beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness’ (Isaiah 61:1-3). Make me to be a pillar of righteousness for Your glory. Help me to not cease my ‘work of faith, labor of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ’ for I know You can change everything in my life (1 Thessalonians 1:3). In Jesus’ name I pray.”

The above article is written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

The promised rewards were great:  We would not have to worry about money because Mom would marry a rich man who would take us to Disneyland and let us buy treats like Snack Pack Pudding.  Little did I know Mom already had the man lined-up.  All I knew was that she assured me my Dad didn’t have much use for me and I would be much better off as a result of the divorce.

Well, as far as fairy tales go, I did get a rich stepfather who, to his great credit, is a wonderful man, and I am confident that he loved my brothers and me as he did his own daughter.  He was a widower with one child, and my mother’s former boyfriend — the man my father stole her from a dozen or so years earlier.  To this day he has been proud of winning her back and for that my mother is a lucky woman.

Unfortunately the rest of the fairy tale is not so pretty, because we did, in fact give up our father.  I was always very proud of my dad’s tall, handsome good looks.  He was a great dancer and he knew how to have fun.  He could be childlike and fatherly all at once, and what child doesn’t like that?

The problem was that I was an accessory to the crime.  I was on Mom’s side.  When Mom first broached the subject of divorce to my father it was on a telephone call when he had moved ahead of us to take a job elsewhere.  At some point in the conversation she asked me to pick up the phone and tell him that I wanted them to get a divorce.  When I heard his sobs on the other end of the line, I couldn’t, not even to win my mother’s approval.

Somehow he won her over and she agreed to move with us to join him.  That was at the end of May 1974, and the marriage ended the week before Thanksgiving.  My mother remarried three days after Christmas that year.

We did go to Disneyland and eat Snack Pack pudding.  We were also expected to do everything we could to make our new stepfather feel welcome and apreciated.  We were instructed to be nice and ask him if we could call him Dad.  But he, being a good man, explained to us that we had a father, and he deserved that title.  I really wanted to blurt out that mom told us to ask anyway, but I knew we were supposed to play the part, so I said I understood and agreed to call him by his first name.

One would think, with such a nice, not to mention well-to-do, stepfather around, life would be perfect.  Still, I missed my dad, but when I voiced those concerns I was reminded that I had wanted the divorce as much as my mother did.  I was afraid to argue with that logic because I was told I’d be packed up and sent to live with him with the implied message that all manner of horrible things could happen to a girl living in an apartment complex.  My maternal grandmother even went so far as to make sure I knew I should tell my mother if my father ever touched me inappropriately.

Therefore, I did not go visit my Dad on one of the first opportunities we were given.  I believe he may have been told I was angry with him.  I was just frightened and eventually I assumed even more guilt about the divorce.

The following years were reasonably good as far as where we lived and what we wore.  My mother had severe stress and panic attacks that seem to have been triggered by the divorce.  I was the target of much of her frustration because I reminded her so much of my father’s family.

Ironically, when my dad remarried, I reminded his new wife of my mother.  I believe that is one of the greatest tragedies of divorce, it seems like you are always compared to your parents in the negative sense.

The strange thing is that I had a good life.  My parents had a good divorce. They are still friendly toward each other. My Dad came to see us every two weeks and we visited him at his house on a regular basis.  We had a good time, and still, I was empty.  I felt torn.  I felt cheated out of having my dad be my dad, and I felt the weight of my mother’s anxiety.

To this day, if my mother were to read this, she would remind me of how good I had it, and shame me for my complaints.  I think that is why I never really dealt with it and now every divorce — even with those fickle celebrities — breaks my heart.

I’ve revisited a lot of this dealing with my own marriage issues.  I know that my background makes me needy and the thought of leaving my children the legacy of divorce produces a sort of posttraumatic stress disorder.

Our culture of divorce creates victims, but we don’t like the label.  I am a victim of divorce.  My heart was broken when I was 10 years old and I have spent the better part of 35 years trying to fix it.  Saving my own marriage may not fill my void, but it could save my children from some of this pain. I just know there is no such thing as a good divorce.

The author is a 45 year old mother of three, who wishes to remain anonymous out of love for her parents.

(To see previous questions, visit our archive)

THE MARRIAGE SKIT

And now, for something a bit more serious to help you:

AVOID THE TYPICAL PITFALLS OF MARRIAGE

No couple embarks on married life expecting to end up in divorce court, but that’s what happens to more than one million American couples each year. And when they do the postmortem, they often find their marriage was sabotaged by one of these 10 traps:

1. Taking your partner for granted. That’s like having a garden that you’re not weeding or fertilizing, says Robert Billingham, professor of human development and family studies at Indiana University. “You can’t expect it to continue to thrive.” Let your partner know you appreciate him or her.

2. Forgetting that a good marriage takes work. “People think that having a happy marriage is a magical, mystical occurrence,” says marriage and family therapist Dr. Leslie Parrott, co-author of When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages (Zondervan/HarperCollins). “We’ve accepted the fact that parenting takes a lot of skill, but we don’t want to accept the idea that romantic love takes a great deal of work, too.”

3. Not talking through conflict. If you rely on heavy sighs, slammed doors and other non-verbal communication when something is bothering you, you could be playing with fire. As painful as it may be to get the conversation started, you must speak up. “Otherwise, problems start festering and begin to take on a life of their own,” explains Sharon Naylor, author of The Unofficial Guide to Divorce (Hungry Minds).

4. Failing to romance your partner. “We all want to be made to feel special,” says psychologist Kate Wachs, author of Relationships for Dummies (Hungry Minds) and Dr. Kate’s Love Secrets (Paper Chase Press). “That’s why it’s so important to set aside at least one night per week for you and your spouse. Use this regular ‘date night’ to share your hopes and dreams.”

5. Fighting dirty. The better you know somebody, the easier it is to hurt that person. “No matter how angry you may be about something,” Naylor says, “you need to resist the temptation to figure out the one thing that will hurt your partner the most and then use that against him.”

6. Fighting over money. A recent study by the Million Dollar Round Table, an international association of life insurance and financial services professionals, found that 43% of married couples argue about money. If money’s becoming a major source of conflict, you might consider sitting down with a financial planner or some other 3rd party that can help come up with a financial game plan you both can live with.

7. Letting the passion fizzle. “Have sex often — anytime either of you is in the mood,” Wachs says. “If you wait until both partners are in the mood, you won’t end up having much sex at all and, over time, you’ll end up drifting apart.”

8. Shutting down sexually when you’re angry rather than dealing with issues. Although withholding affection may seem like the ideal way to punish your partner, you risk seriously damaging your relationship, Wachs says.

9. Failing to understand that marriages have ups and downs. “It’s OK to expect incredible moments in your marriage,” Parrott says. “Just don’t expect them to happen every day.”

10. Throwing in the towel too easily. “We’re so accustomed to the concept of obsolescence that we treat our partners as disposable,” says Herb Glieberman, a Chicago divorce attorney and author. Vow to rekindle the flames rather than looking for the closest escape hatch.

The above article is titled, “AVOID THE TYPICAL PITFALLS OF MARRIAGE” was written by Ann Douglas, and was featured in The Chicago Tribune, Jan. 2, 2002.

Please click onto the following link to enjoy:

“THE WIFE SONG“

And now for the article:

What Every Husband Should Know About His Wife:

Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, said, “Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question: What does a woman want?”

Well, Freud, may not have been able to identify the deepest needs of women, but modern research has. A wife’s most basic needs in marriage are: (1) to be cherished, (2) to be known and (3) to be respected.

• She Needs to be Cherished
“I can’t understand it, Doc.” Doug was talking before he even sat down in my counseling office. “Lisa has everything she could possibly need. She doesn’t have to work, she buys lots of clothes, we live in a great place, we take wonderful vacations, I’m faithful—but she’s miserable.” Doug shook his head and said, “I just don’t get it.”

We talked a bit more about his seven-year marriage and how he tried to express his love for Lisa. “I’m not the talkative type, Doc,” he said. “I show my love by providing the very best I can for her.” This poor husband didn’t realize that his love-starved wife would have traded all the clothes and vacations in the world for a little tenderness from him.

Without meaning to, a husband can completely miss one of his wife’s most important needs: to be cherished. This need is too often overlooked by husbands because we don’t feel the need for it as deeply as women do. But that doesn’t discount its validity. Your wife needs to be cherished.

She needs to know she is number one in your life. If it came down to an evening with your buddies or a night with your wife, she needs to know you would choose her—not because you have to, but because you want to.

What can you do to cherish your wife?

Consider how often you say, “I love you.”
Some men don’t feel the need to say it with words, but every wife has an insatiable need to hear it. Your wife also needs evidence that you are thinking about her during your day. A small gift or a quick phone call to say, “You are on my mind,” can mean the world to her.

As a man, you probably have no idea of the effect you can have on your wife by being gentle and tender, making her feel cared for.

…Does cherishing your wife mean sacrificing golf games, success at work, or nights out with the boys? Believe it or not, the answer is no. When your wife is satisfied in knowing that she takes first place in your life, when she knows she is the most important thing in the world to you, she will encourage you to do the things you enjoy. It is part of the mystery of marriage: When a woman is truly, genuinely cherished, she feels free to encourage her husband’s independence.

Before Doug learned to cherish Lisa, she would complain about his fishing trips. In fact, Lisa wanted a separation because “standing by a lake was more important to Doug than I was.” But once Doug genuinely made Lisa number one, once he began to express true tenderness, Lisa pleasantly shocked him: “I’ll cover for you at the meeting next Thursday so you can get an early start on your fishing trip if you want.” Lisa made this offer because she now felt secure in her position of importance.

“To love and to cherish” is more than a phrase from your wedding vows. It is one of the most important needs your wife will ever have. By meeting it, you are sure to build a partnership that brings you both pleasure…

• She Needs to be Known
For a woman, being understood means having her feelings validated and accepted. That’s not as easy as it sounds. I’m a psychologist. I often spend my day doing just that with my clients. I know how to empathize with a person’s pain, to feel his feelings and convey understanding. But when it comes to my marriage, something makes me want to solve Leslie’s problems instead of understand them.

She will tell me about something and I will passively listen until I have heard enough and then, as if to say I’m ready to move on to other things, I will offer advice. I’ll lecture instead of listen. To this day, it often takes every ounce of self-control I can muster to bite my tongue and actively listen.

At least I’m not alone. Consider this fact: Men say three times as many words in public as they do in private, while women say three times as many words in private as they do in public. Women like to match experiences, to draw one another out, to volley in conversations. But when it comes to talking to their husbands, many women feel like the wife who told me, “Talking to my husband is like playing tennis with no one in the other court.”

To meet your wife’s important need to be known, you need to actively listen to her, reflecting back to her what she is saying and feeling, and genuinely wanting to understand her. This point cannot be overemphasized: Women need to have their feelings validated and accepted. They need to have you see and experience the world the way they do, instead of explaining to them why they shouldn’t see it that way.

Men have a tough time realizing that offering a listening ear is all a woman needs at times —or a comforting hug, a loving statement like “You are hurting, aren’t you?” or “You are under a lot of pressure, aren’t you?” Listening to your wife talk without offering quick solutions is the only way to meet her need to be known.

• She Needs to be Respected
Men are usually quite unaware of how much women need to be respected. Why? Because when men are not respected they react very differently. A man who doesn’t feel respected, for example, is apt to become self-righteous and indignant. He feels even more worthy of respect when others don’t respect him. He may even give less until he gets what he feels he deserves.

Women operate differently—when they are not respected they feel insecure and lose their sense of self. That is why it is so vital for you to take special care of your partner’s need for respect.

There are a number of ways to show respect to your wife. To begin with, do not try to change or manipulate her, but rather, honor her needs, wishes, values, and rights. I know a woman who, because of her upbringing, valued the tradition of having her door opened for her by her husband. She knew the custom was kind of old-fashioned, but it meant a lot to her, and she asked her husband to do it.

Her husband never took her request seriously. “You’re kidding, right?” he’d say. “Nobody does that anymore. That’s why we’ve got power locks on the car.” By laughing off his wife’s request, this husband weakened his opportunity to meet one of his wife’s deepest needs—to be respected.

Respecting your wife also mean including her in decisions. I am always amazed when I find a husband who wields all the power in a marriage and makes all the decisions, regardless of what his wife thinks. I have known men who will make decisions about relocating to a new job in another part of the country without even consulting their wives. I don’t know of a quicker way to tear down a woman’s sense of self and ruin the possibility of a happy marriage.

Build your wife’s self-esteem and sense of security by asking for her input whenever you can, even on the small things. When you make a decision that might affect her, say: “I’m thinking about.What do you think of that?” or “I’m thinking we should.What would you like?”

Respect says, “I support you, you are valuable to me, and you don’t have to be any different from who you are.” In return for this respect a woman will be able to relax. She will not have a compulsive need to prove herself as an equal, but will automatically feel and be equal. What a wonderful way to live with a woman.

The above article is written by Les Parrott and comes from the book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, by Dr. Les Parrott and Dr. Leslie Parrott www.realrelationships.com, published by Zondervan Publishing. As psychologist (Les) and marriage and family therapist (Leslie) who counsel hundreds of married couples, they have “learned that living happily ever after is less a mystery than a mastery of certain skills. Although married life will always have its difficulties, you will steadily and dramatically improve your relationship by mastering certain life skills.”

They’ve also written two workbooks as companions to this book, one for the man and one for the woman. “The twenty-one self-tests in the workbooks will help you and your partner put into action what is taught in this book. As an additional help, they have provided questions for reflection at the end of each chapter that are suitable as discussion starters for couples or small groups. Finally, if you would like to bring this program to your church or small group setting, a video curriculum is available, also entitled, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.

I got to thinking about all of this upon reading a related article, after we replaced one of our aging, high maintenance computers because of all of the problems, bugs, worms, Trojans, viruses and expense we had to deal with to accomplish everyday tasks for Marriage Missions. We purchased a lower maintenance Apple computer (a MAC) upon recommendations from our computer tech.

And then we came across an article titled “Hello, I’m a MAC. And I’m a PC” written by relationship expert, Scott Stanley (on his Sliding vs Deciding web site) and we can see how these computers parallel marriage.

In his article, Scott was talking about all of the problems he was having with his PC system and how it was causing him grief and how he was contemplating using a MAC for certain tasks —when he realized how marriages can be compared to these systems. He writes:

“How is marriage like the difference between MACs and PCs? Or rather how are differences in marriages like MACs and PCs? Most marriages, and I mean perfectly good, worth working on, solid marriages, are like PCs, not MACs. Just as there are many more PCs in the world than MACs, and there are many more PC marriages than MAC marriages. (BTW, if you think I’m talking about what type of computer you have at home, you haven’t shifted yet to the more abstract level. I’m not talking computer equipment now.)

“Here’s the deal. While the people I know with MACs are not always perfectly happy with their MACs, they’re mostly a seriously happy lot when it comes to computing. They turn on their computers (which look gorgeous, of course), they do what they meant to do in getting on their computers, they don’t think as much about the computer as they go about doing their tasks or following their interests, and then they move on. How simple. It starts up, you click on some things, you happily compute, and when you’re done, you do something else. And none of your time involves searching for an error message on Google.

“Now seriously, that’s not my experience with PCs. PCs are something else. PCs add a sense of deep mystery to life that is more in tune with the way life really is. PC people are living closer to reality in some cosmic sense.

“Some people have MAC marriages but most people have PC marriages. You know you have a MAC marriage if it just works most all the time and you don’t think about why it works or how to make it keep working. You know you have a PC marriage if you have to frequently reboot, install a patch, update something, scan for problems, or simply endure the fact that something isn’t working today that worked yesterday. PCs are exciting. MACs? Oh, they are so boring.

“I think some people end up in MAC marriages — which are much more rare than PC marriages — simply because of luck. Others do so because they are careful in the right ways about how they partnered up. For some couples, they simply had compatibility, attraction and a big helping of easy-going-ness. (Those with MAC marriages should not be arrogant; being thankful would be more the thing or else you may find your MAC starting to slow down.)

“Most marriages, and this includes very good marriages, are PCs. They take effort in order to keep doing the work of life. The truth is, in healthy marriages that have enough of the right stuff and that are not dangerous, the work is worth it. Sadly that message is regularly undermined in our culture. But it’s true, and much research supports the point. There’s no getting around the work. It’s just part of life in a PC marriage.

“And remember this, those of you in PC marriage: You have the opportunity of getting that deep sense of satisfaction that comes from overcoming things together. MAC marriage people can only dream of that joy.”

We believe Dr Stanley makes some great points for all of us to note. So, where do we go from here if we’re not in a MAC marriage, which is most of us (Steve and me included) and there is a lot of maintenance to be done to help our relationship grow in a healthy way? Do we throw away our marriage because it’s more work than we had thought or hoped for? Sadly, many people are doing that. Look at the divorce statistics.

But we don’t believe that God intends for His children to throw away their marriages (like outdated computers) and switch to another like we’re seeing over and over again in today’s world. But what can we do to combat this growing problem?

First, we need to help those who aren’t yet married to make better choices — GOD’S choices in whom they marry. Couples often “buy into the lie” that their love will just naturally grow more wonderful after they marry because their love is more unique and “different” than the other relationships they see around them. But that is the type of fairy tale attitude that is contributing to the high divorce rate.

The reality is that there is a lot more work and mature growth that is required than most couples realize before they marry. It takes more than a good connection in the beginning of their love for each other to make a marriage relationship a happy and healthy one.

Marriages aren’t meant to be disposable as computers —they’re meant to last a lifetime. And in order for that to happen, those who are looking to marry need to make sure they have what it takes to make that a reality.

We realize that there is a lot of denial and a lot of naivety that can be in the works before couples marry. But to the degree that it is possible, please help those you possibly can, to open their eyes to put in the necessary prep work to make sure they’re best suited to marry each other. Some people can have a lot of fun together in the short term, but they make lousy life-long marriage partners together —especially if either or both of them aren’t willing or able to grow in maturity together through the tough times they will encounter.

Marriage is for grown-ups — it’s for those who are willing to partner together in making their relationship the best it can be — one in which God’s love is lived out and can be plainly seen.

Those who aren’t willing to grow in maturity or leave their selfism behind, simply should not marry, no matter how strong their attraction is for each other. Also, being equally yoked is important —spiritually, emotionally, and morally.

We have a lot of articles and recommended resources available on our web site that can help couples learn about this and more of what they need in order to be best prepared for marriage.

It’s important to ask questions, be truthful with and find out more about each other, face Truth, pray, seek God’s wisdom, and find others who can help invest in your relationship so you can make sure you have what it takes to make this lifetime, sacred commitment.

If you’re married, ask God to help you to learn what you need to, so you can put the maintenance in that’s needed to at least do YOUR PART in being a good marriage partner. God will guide as you look to Him. That doesn’t mean that you won’t have to apply tough love principles or have to put down healthy boundaries or have to do some inner searching and facing of Truth at times, but God will help you as you seek Him — although it might not be in a way you expect.

And if you have a receptive spouse, find a time when it would be good to talk and can get on your knees together to ask God for help in teaching each of you what you need to learn so you can take your marriage to a higher level. Together, with God involved in your marriage as a “chord of three strands”, it is amazing how much your relationship can grow in ways you never imagined possible.

Don’t gripe about marriage being so difficult, or look at other marriages — wishing you had what they do. Instead, put your eyes on your own path, invest in your own marriage (rather than away from it), “reboot, install a patch, update something, scan for problems” and do what it takes to make the necessary adjustments and repairs to your relationship. And don’t give up so easily. Some of the most rewarding relationships come after a lot of very difficult, soul-searching work!

Realize that you may have a PC marriage and that is OK. Face up to that reality and grow in maturity and character as you work together with God. You may or may not ever have a MAC marriage, but it will be what you make it with the strength and the wisdom God can give you as you seek all you can become in Him.

“Let us not become weary of doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).

“And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him” (Colossians 3:11).

Cindy and Steve Wright

We know that a lot of women read romance novels, so they know what it can look like between two other people (even in an over-inflated, artificial way), but what about your own marital relationship?

“Do you remember when you and your spouse were dating? When dinner was consumed to the strains of soft music instead of to Sponge Bob? In the day to day busyness of married life, romance is often the first thing to go. Yet the ‘Romance Factor’ can have a high impact on the success of your marriage.

The Romance Factor encompasses much more than just sex. It invokes the five senses: sight, smell, sound, taste, and touch. It’s the emotional, spiritual, and physical connection between a husband and wife.”

Do you want that connection again— to put the romance factor back into your own marriage?

Twanda Smith, who is a romantic events planner and consultant, has a few ideas that can help arouse the five senses within you and your spouse that might help in some way to re-connected you romantically.

You can read about it by clicking on the link provided below to an article posted on the Marriage Partnership Magazine web site:

• THE ROMANCE FACTOR

And then arrow back to read another related article from the ministry of Family Life Today which addresses trying to be romantic when you’re just too tired (and other related factors). You can do so by clicking onto the link below:

• WHEN BUSYNESS GETS IN THE WAY OF ROMANCE

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

Maybe that’s the reason the Apostle Paul said, “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called us heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things…” (Philippians 3:12-15).

It’s not that we aren’t to ever look back, but we aren’t supposed to live our lives staring into the rear view mirror, because it will hold us back from doing all that which we SHOULD do today.

So there are the “if only’s”, but also the “Why should I’s” that can cause problems. Steve and I hear them (and have even said them quite regularly. “WHY SHOULD I be decent and civil to my spouse when he/she isn’t?” Frankly, because the Bible tells us, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ Jesus, God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32).

It is written, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). And how about what we’re told in 2 Timothy 2:23, “Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments because you know they produce quarrels.”

We can get angry and say, “WHY SHOULD I speak nice to my spouse when all I get is insults?” God’s answer: “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9). “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were seated for the day of redemption” (Ephesians 4:29-30).

So you ask, “WHY SHOULD I?” Ultimately, it’s because He says, “I told you so, that’s why.” Just look throughout the Bible, you’ll see a whole lot more reasons than we can give you here.

We often hear wives say, “WHY SHOULD I treat Him with respect when He doesn’t act worthy of it?” The answer is, it’s NOT because HE’S worthy of respect that you do it — it’s because GOD has His reasons and HE says so. You can see that in Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3, where He makes it clear. It doesn’t say, “as long as he acts worthy of respect, then treat him with respect, otherwise, treat him as you like!” You’re doing this “as unto the Lord” — and for that reason alone.

And men, if you like throwing those portions of the Bible around to justify your own bad behavior, you’re wrong. You have even MORE responsibility in all of this to show love to your wife as you’re told in Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 and other places. God holds you responsible for loving your wife “just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” and presenting her to God “without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish.” The question arises, “How can you do that when you’re bruising her heart by acting in an unloving, emotionally disconnected manner?”

The question a man might come up with (and some women as well), is, “WHY SHOULD I show her/him everything that’s on my computer or on my cell phone? Can’t I have any privacy?” Nope, you gave that up when you married. 1 Corinthians 7 makes it pretty clear that if you wanted “to be free” to do more of what you want to do without having to consider what a spouse would say, then you shouldn’t have married in the first place.

And then we can go back to the whole “If only’s”. However, it’s written in James 5:12, “Let your ‘yes’ be yes and your ‘no’ be no, or you will be condemned.” Don’t promise something you can’t or won’t live up to and will eventually try to escape. “It is a trap for a man to dedicate something rashly and only later consider his vows” (Proverbs 20:25).

We also hear from people who talk of God “not wanting” them to suffer as they are in their marriage, so they rationalize hopping from one marriage into another one, dragging their kids along. They talk of God’s love and grace and such. And that is true. God does extend grace. But as you read Romans 6, you’ll see this is not what God wants from us. We’re taking advantage of His amazing grace when we treat His precepts and laws and desires for us so lightly.

We see this all around us, even on the Marriage Missions web site where we have well over a thousand articles posted (and more being added regularly) to help our readers. Each article allows comments and encouragements from those that read and write. It’s an amazing platform where people from every nation are ministering to one another.

But it’s also a platform, like a hospital, where those who need help seek it there. Not everyone’s questions are answered or problems are solved, but we see God working in amazing ways through that which people write. And yet, it’s also evident that there is a lot of infidelity and rationalizing hurtful behavior that is being written about. So those of you, who can, pray about coming onto the web site and praying with and encouraging those who are hurting.

The reason I write this is because we’ve received comments from those who are not Christians who say that our “mission” is failing, and that it’s obvious that Christians are just as messed up as those without Christ, because of what they read on our web site. They don’t see God’s grace in action as much as they see the failure of Christians to live out what they say they believe. How sad! It’s sad that they don’t see the sick being ministered to, and the love of Christ being lived out.

It’s also a sad testimony that our lives and our marriages look as sick or sicker than those who don’t know Christ in a personal way! How this must break God’s heart! Yes, He extends grace, but it hurts His heart and His Kingdom work in other ways to do so. What amazing grace!

We hope what is written above will help you to consider the “If only’s” and the “Why SHOULD I’s” as something the enemy of our faith is feeding us to hurt us. Marriage is not all about us. “Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen your love and reverence, trust, and obedience for Jesus Christ” (Emerson Eggerichs). It’s a living testimony designed to point others TO the love of Christ.

We conclude by passing along to you something one of our subscribers, Alan Cook, wrote to us that we pray will give you food for thought this week. He wrote,

“I once gave a talk to a group of men about marriage being the most important missionary work we could ever do. For what does it help that we feed the poor, evangelize the world and yet we lose our most important calling and mission —our own sacred marriage?”

We encourage you to pray about it. 
Cindy and Steve Wright

YEP! We’ve been there and believed that one too! And what a slippery slope of fantasy we found we had embraced, after we woke up to reality and then tried to figure out what to do next, before our marriage died from the fall! We thank God that He led us to be “STUBBORNLY MARRIED” so we could survive and even learn how to thrive and build our marriage into a good one. But it hasn’t come easily (and still doesn’t at times) … a good marriage takes hard work!

Lets face it, whatever you don’t maintain usually falls apart! That’s true in marriage, just as it is in other areas of life. Try filling your car with gas one time and then keep driving it “from this day forward” without doing anything else to maintain it and see how far you go. Try fixing up your house and then let it go from there and see how great a place it is to live in over the next 50 years or so. How about letting your garden grow itself without putting in any work to maintain it? How well do you think it would do without putting in some work to help it to grow?

Try feeding and clothing your children in the beginning of their lives, say a year or two, and then let them fend for themselves after that while you sit around and watch TV and “do your own thing” whenever you’re home and see how well they do! Would they thrive? No. So why do any of us think it will work if we apply the same principle to marriage? If you ignore it, it will break down, crumble, starve and eventually collapse (and injure you and many others in the process).

Marriage is an explorative journey – one where a man and woman live in sacred partnership for a lifetime, helping each other become all God created them to be — both as individuals and as a couple — united in purpose by God, as a “cord of three strands”. When we don’t realize that mission or we ignore the hard work it takes to maintain and live this out, we fall short of having a marriage like the Bridegroom and Bride of Christ — united, as God would have us!

Marriage is a sacred union, a journey, and a mission that isn’t to be entered into by those who want to cling to selfism — individuals who don’t want to do the hard work it takes to unite in partnership in how they approach life “from this day forward.”

“Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3). In marriage, we are to agree together with God to walk united in His purpose. We won’t always think alike, but we are to work to think TOGETHER.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend [or spouse] can help him up… Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (see: Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). If you haven’t yet, and you are fighting against each other in what should be a marriage partnership, today is the day to join hands for a NEW BEGINNING, united together with God.

“’Haven’t you read,’ [Jesus] replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate’” (Matthew 19:4-7). Please understand that you can separate each other in your attitudes as well as physically.

If this is what you are doing, ask God to show you HOW to join together — despite the problems you are now experiencing. The Bible says, “Where there is no vision, the people perish.” And so do a lot of marriages! Pray for a new vision. Pray for eyes that help you to see each other and your marriage as God sees each of you and your marriage. God can make all things new, and that includes resurrecting dead feelings, restoring sight to the emotionally blind, and healing the emotionally sick. God can create that which is “good” out of nothing. If He created the heavens and the earth, He certainly is capable of doing His creation work within each of you.

If you married someone you shouldn’t have or you have been disobedient as God’s child in how you have conducted yourself in your marriage, then look to God. His grace is amazing! He can “make your paths straight” if you “trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean no on your own understanding” and “in all your ways acknowledge Him” (see: Proverbs 3:5-6). He is there for all who seek Him — all who are eager to learn His ways.

“The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. The LORD upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them” (Psalm 145:13-19).

We encourage you to put in the hard work it takes to make your marriage the best it can be – one in which it is evident that God is at work. Become STUBBORNLY MARRIED — be tenacious in staying together, praying together (if your spouse will participate… if not, pray alone); ask God for wisdom in learning what you need to overcome the relationship obstacles before you in your marriage. Recognize that “Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen your love and reverence, trust, and obedience for Jesus Christ. Marriage is not about you” (Emerson Eggerichs).

Marriage is a vehicle you take on your journey with God through your life this side of heaven. Please do what you can to maintain that vehicle so it is in the best condition that is possible.

And as you do that, not only will the journey be more fulfilling for you, you may find others who will want to know your God better as they are curious about “how you do it” — how you live your life in this way. You will be “communicating the gospel with and without words” in how you live your life as a living testimony within your marriage — pointing them to the empowerment one can experience through a personal and on-going relationship with God through Jesus Christ.

We hope you will — to make it your goal to “reveal the heart of Christ” within your marriage. In doing so, we are confident that more will seek Him and come to know Him in a personal way!

May God bless you in this mission!
Cindy and Steve Wright

One of the ideas I came up with years ago, and a goal I strive for in my own homemaking, is that every room where I have been should be a little bit better because I have been there. I try to do that both in my spiritual/personal life as well as in my homemaking tasks — “poking holes in the darkness” wherever I go. And I’ve seen that it makes a positive difference!

Concerning homemaking ideas, I try to straighten up or put away at least one thing that is out of place when I go into or out of that room so when I leave it, it’s at lease a bit improved. A little here, a little there, seems to lighten the load of doing so much all at once when I do major cleaning (and makes things look a bit better in the meantime).

I also remember someone once saying that he learned that it takes more work and energy to drop clothing on the floor and have to go back later, pick them up and then put them away than it does to just put them away in the first place. I try to remember that tip when I’m tempted to drop my clothing on the floor when I’m changing.

Of course, that doesn’t apply if you expect your spouse to pick up after you, but then you have an entirely different energy drain and marriage problem going on as you battle with your spouse who resents the extra work you are causing her or him by your immature actions! Please be”kind and considerate” as you’re told in the Bible. Don’t cause unnecessary problems within your marriage and your home by not cleaning up after yourself.

Another thing I’ve tried to remember is something that my husband said to me years ago (and has reiterated several times since). He told me that when he enters our home he feels an “Ahhh… I’m home” in his spirit — that our home is nice and clean and pleasant to enter into — a haven of peace for his heart after he leaves a very hectic and energy-draining world.

He and I realize that there are times and circumstances when it can’t always be that way …life happens! And you can’t always control the cleanliness and peacefulness of the home, plus, there are things that need to be done to maintain the home so it stays that way. But it’s a goal I try to over-all strive for as much as possible, to make our home a haven.

With that as an over-all priority, not only does my husband and others who enter our home enjoy the benefits of peacefulness, but so do I …eventually, after I manage with intentionality to get it that way!

Author Jill Savage says it well: 

“One of the reasons I’m at home is to provide a home environment my family wants to come home to. As best I can, I can create a welcoming, soothing atmosphere to speak love to my family. If you’ve never considered being intentional about creating a welcoming environment with fragrance, give it a try and see if it affects the mood of your family.” (From the article, “Homemaking Tips that Create Security” by Jill Savage)

I can attest to the fact that it definitely affects our moods in a positive way! And others have said the same thing about our home — that it’s very calming and peaceful.

But how do you do this when you have little ones (and/or even big ones) running all over the place messing up things faster than you can you can clean (especially when you’re tired)? I have sure been there and have tried to do that, and sometimes miserably unsuccessfully!

My sons are grown and married now and have homes of their own. But there was a long season of time when we had a houseful of our own children plus others running in and out of our home. And when I was in the middle of this season of our lives, it was a continual juggling act of figuring out what was most important to do, how and when!

We now have grandchildren as well who come over and make their imprints well known all over our house. And quite frankly, we wouldn’t have it any other way!

So, to help all of us, I’ll give a few links below to articles and web sites I found that can be helpful when battling with that dilemma.

The first is an article written by Sandy Coughlin and posted on Crosswalk.com that you might find helpful. In this article Sandy writes about “changing things up a bit” as you go about your homemaking tasks, which has helped her and may help you. Please click onto the link below to read:

One of the things I’ve done many times is have mini races with myself against time where I try to see how much I can get done within 2-5 minutes (using a timer) or during a commercial for a television show. It can add a little twist and sometimes be a little fun to see if I can make a big dent in what needs to be done concerning housework. I challenge you to try it sometime!

Next, for those of you with children, the following is an article written by Kristin Chesemore where she gives three very practical tips as she discusses “Food and Clothing First”, “Minimal Cleaning”, and “Ruthless Paperwork Habits”. Please click onto the link below to read:

• EFFECTIVE HOMEMAKING WITH YOUNG KIDS

If you’re juggling with trying to be the “perfect” homemaker and are battling with guilt trips, misconceptions, and “when does mom get time off work”, the following article written by Cheryl Gochnauer, posted on the Kyria web site might give you insights. Please click onto the link below to read:

• STAY AT HOME SUPER MOM

You may have noticed that the above article talks about home management and “team roles” and such. You may be in a situation where your home needs a complete overhaul of who does what, concerning managing the home and making it run smoother. You may or may not have a spouse who will help you with this, but if you do, the following article written by Kathy Peel, posted on the Marriage Partnership Magazine web site may be interesting and beneficial to read:

• FAMILY MANAGEMENT MAKEOVER

There are a few web sites provided below where you can find a LOT of help ranging from in making your home more organized, cleaner and calmer and more. The following are a few of them:

The first is a great web site (a personal favorite of mine) that provides all kinds of articles with on-going help available (on homemaking tips, recipes, family fun, frugal living, stewardship, organizing, parenting, etc.). As they say, “We’re taking homemaking to a ‘Higher Level” with spiritual values in mind. It is:

• Christian-Homemaking.com

And then there is another web site where you can find tips to help you with your “cleaning, clutter, cooking, decorating, holidays, etc.” that you might find beneficial to read through. The following web site link will take you to the “Homemaking Archive” for:

• Christian-Mommies.com

There’s another web site link you might benefit from going to as well. Here’s the description:

“This is a collection of sites that inspire us to embrace the lost art of homemaking. Site topics include: parenting, marriage, child care, entertaining, cleaning, cooking, crafting, simple living, budgeting, debt management, finances, decorating, frugality, cleaning, motivation, goal setting, recipes, housekeeping, gardening, pets and much more! Only good information, support, and inspiration!”

To visit this collection of web sites, please click onto:

• LotsaSites.com

I hope this helps in some way. If you have additional tips to help in this area of marriage, please pass them along in the discussion section below. We would greatly appreciate it!

The above article was put together by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

We want to revisit the subject of prayer once again this week because it’s so important. We’ve personally seen the power of prayer transform our lives in so many positive ways as the Lord has brought unity into our relationship despite the walls we created through our hardened hearts.

We would like to share a point that Stormie Omartian makes in her wonderful book, “The Power of a Praying Wife“ (Harvest House Publishers). She addresses the question, “I don’t even like him —how can I pray for him?” Keep in mind that even though she is addressing wives, concerning husbands, the same can be said and prayed by the husband concerning his wife. She writes:

“Have you ever been so mad at your husband [or wife] that the last thing you wanted to do was pray for him [or her]? So have I. It’s hard to pray for someone when you’re angry or he’s [she’s] hurt you. But that’s exactly what God wants us to do. If He asks us to pray for our enemies, how much more should we be praying for the person with whom we have become one and are supposed to love? But how do we get past the unforgiveness and critical attitude?

“The first thing to do is be completely honest with God. In order to break down the walls in our hearts and smash the barriers that stop communication, we have to be totally up front with the Lord about our feelings. We don’t have to ‘pretty it up’ for Him. He already knows the truth. He just wants to see if we’re willing to admit it and confess it as disobedience to His ways. If so, He then has a heart with which He can work.

“If you’re angry at your husband [or wife], tell God. Don’t let it become a cancer that grows with each passing day. Don’t say, ‘I’m going to live my life and let him [her] live his [or hers].’ There’s a price to pay when we act entirely independently of one another. “Neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord’ (1 Corinthians 11:11).

“Instead say: ‘Lord nothing in me wants to pray for [my spouse]. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him [her]. Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward [my spouse]. Where [my marital partner] has erred, reveal it to him [her] and convict his [her] heart about it. Lead through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness.

“’Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so. If there is something I’m not seeing that’s adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen.

“‘As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him [her] because I feel it’s justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for [my marriage partner] and words to heal this situation.’

“If you feel you’re able, try this little experiment and see what happens. Pray for your husband [or wife] every day for a month. Ask God to pour out His blessings on him [or her] and fill you both with His love. See if your heart doesn’t soften toward him [or her]. Notice if his [or her] attitude toward you doesn’t change as well. Observe whether your relationship isn’t running smoother.

“If you have trouble making that kind of prayer commitment, think of it from the Lord’s perspective. Seeing your [spouse] through God’s eyes —not just as your [spouse], but as God’s child, whom the Lord loves —can be a great revelation. If someone called and asked you to pray for his or her son, you would do it, wouldn’t you? Well, God is asking.”

I (Cindy) pray the Lord ministers to your heart through these thoughts. I know that nothing draws me closer to a right attitude about my husband than praying for him. As Stormie also said, “I’ve seen women with no feelings of love for their husbands find that as they prayed, over time, those feelings came. Sometimes they felt differently even after the first heartfelt prayer.”

I know this to be true in my own life because there was a time when I didn’t think I had any love for Steve. But as I began to pray that God would “renew a right spirit in me,” and I laid my dead feelings at the feet of Christ and earnestly prayed for Steve, God resurrected that which was dead and helped me to love Steve for who he really is instead of who I thought he needed to be.

As I (Steve) re-visit the subject of praying, I’m drawing again from the book, “The Power Of A Praying Husband“ by Stormie Omartian (Harvest House Publishers). As Cindy said, it’s sometimes difficult for our wives to pray for us because there are times they don’t even “like us.”

As I reflect on her statement I can’t help but think that those times usually happened when I was either apathetic or too controlling in our relationship —neither of which modeled Christ like behavior. I found Stormie’s book enlightening in a number of different ways regarding having the proper “prayer attitude” when praying for Cindy.

Let me cite an example. In “The Power Of A Praying Husband“ Stormie wrote, “Whatever you don’t pray about in your life you leave up to chance. And that’s not good enough when it comes to your marriage. The problem with chance in marriage is chances are there will be difficult times. Chances are there will be disagreements. Chances are there will be misunderstandings and hurts. Chances are there will be selfishness and hardness of heart. That’s because we are, after all, human. But if we leave the outcome of these things up to chance, we’ll wind up in trouble down the line.”

Stormie maintains that all of these things can be turned around through prayer. “If busyness, work-aholism, unforgiveness, strife, childrearing, careers, separate interests, boredom, miscommunication has crept between you and your wife, God can work through your prayers to bring down the wall that separates you, and mold you together in unity. Praying for your wife will not only soften her heart, it will soften yours as well.”

Doesn’t that give you hope? No matter what’s happened in your marriage, God can bring healing. You have Him on your side. And if God is on your side, you become a winner in the end!

We encourage you to pray for one another and love each other as God loves you. Please know our prayers are with you as together, we strive to make our marriages the best they can be because of the love of Christ,

Steve and Cindy Wright

What this says to us is that the family who prays together has a much greater chance of staying together. Because praying together has such a positive and effect on our marriages, we’d like to share with you a portion of the book, “When Couples Pray” by Cheri Fuller (Multnomah Publishers). We hope you find it to be as inspiring and practical as we have. Cheri writes:

“When Charlie Shedd, beloved Christian author, and his wife, Martha, were a newly married couple—just a couple of kids fresh from Iowa—one of the first lessons they learned was that there are some things you just can’t express in words. Charlie was studying to be a pastor, and he knew how important prayer and God’s Work were for the spiritual bonding he and his young wife desired.

“But in their first times of prayer together, Martha said that she was afraid that what she said to God would embarrass Charlie. Charlie understood why she might feel that way. As a seminary student, he was articulate, whether speaking to a group or telling God his thoughts. He sensed that Martha was more than a little intimidated by his verbal skills.

“So instead of praying aloud, they decided to take a different approach —they began to ask each other about their biggest concerns, listen as each shared, and then pray about them together silently. They’d hold hands, pray silently for the other person, and then pray the Lord’s Prayer together or read Psalm 23 aloud together.

“Real life gave this couple many opportunities to join together and pray —when they had a problem they couldn’t solve, when they were angry with each other, when they faced financial stresses, or when Charlie wanted to go one direction and Martha in another.

“Another thing that helped their prayer life and brought a closer spiritual bond was their weekly drive. Almost every week, Charlie and Martha would leave the kids with their grandparents or a sitter for an hour or two so they could take a drive together. They’d take along a Bible, and the spouse who wasn’t driving would read aloud from a passage they were studying. Then they would talk, share prayer concerns, and pray silently.

“They found other ways to share God’s Word together. Sometimes they chose one verse of the Bible as their verse for the day and ‘wrote it on their hearts’ in the morning. That night before going to bed, they told each other what their verse was and what it meant to them. In 48 years of marriage they read through the Bible 22 times, discussing their questions and insights along the way.

“As the Shedds grew in their marriage and in Christ, Martha’s self-consciousness gradually melted away, and they were able to pray aloud together. Like all of us, at times they had needs that they didn’t know how to verbalize —so they would go back to praying together silently. But whether praying aloud or silently they treasured their prayer times together and the ‘soul harmony’ that resulted.

“Couples around them were so struck by the happiness in the Shedds’ marriage that they asked if Charlie and Martha could help them deal with their problems and develop better marriages. And so began their marriage ministry, which eventually blessed thousands and thousands of families around the world.

“Here are some PRAYER EXERCISES for silent moments together:

• “Find a few quiet moments together when you can be alone. Sit knee-to-knee and express your most pressing concerns or needs to your spouse. Then hold hands and pray silently for each other’s burden. Conclude by reading a psalm together or praying the Lord’s Prayer aloud. Inspired by the example of Charlie and Martha Shedd, here are some other things you might try to develop spiritual intimacy:

• “Take a drive or, when you travel together, devote the first half hour to the passenger reading aloud from Proverbs, Psalms, or another favorite book of the Bible.

• “Keep a One-Year Bible in your car for when you’re traveling or running errands together. Have the passenger read a portion of the day’s Scripture.

• “In your individual Bible reading, choose one verse as your verse for the day; write it out on a three-by-five-inch card, and meditate on it throughout the day. Then, before going to bed, share with your spouse what your verse was and what it meant to you.

• “Try a weekly ‘word focus.’ Think of one of the greatest needs in your marriage —maybe it’s patience or joy or servanthood or another quality. Look up the word in the dictionary, and then go to a concordance and find Bible verses on the subject. Choose one of those verses to focus on in the following week, and share with your spouse any way the verse touches your life or how it is becoming a part of you.

“The following week, choose a different need in your marriage and a word to reflect it. Continue this for a month, sharing your discoveries with each other and thanking God for what He is revealing to you.”

We hope the above ideas help you to better unite together in prayer. We have additional articles on our web site in the “Prayer” section.

Our love and prayers are with you,
Steve and Cindy Wright

That’s a strange statement to make, isn’t it? Yes… but it’s true. To better understand what Stormie Omartian means when she compares your wife to an automobile, plus additional advice she has for you as a praying husband, please click onto the web site link below to read:

• THE POWER OF A PRAYING HUSBAND

In addition, the following is something that Stormie’s husband Michael Omartian has written on a husband praying for his wife and then you will find a written prayer afterward which you can use as an outline to pray for your own wife, if you choose. Michael writes:

“Prayer requires forgetting your own agenda and letting God set the agenda. Many times prayer would focus my attention away from the need to see Stormie change and become more accommodating to me, instead how I could change and be more accommodating to her. Scary stuff for the ego! But through prayer we have been able to make changes and work things out. Now we have been married for 28 years and I can’t imagine anyone else as my mate. but our problems only work themselves out when she and I join with God to solve them.”

PRAYER POWER:

“Lord, I pray that You would establish in me and (wife’s name) bonds of love that cannot be broken. Show me how to love my wife in an ever-deepening way that she can clearly perceive. May we have mutual respect and admiration for each other so that we become and remain one another’s greatest friend, champion, and unwavering support.

“Where love has been diminished, lost, destroyed, or buried under hurt and disappointment, put it back in our hearts. Give us strength to hold on to the good in our marriage, even in those times when one of us doesn’t feel love.

“Enable my wife and me to forgive each other quickly and completely. Specifically I lift up to You (name any area where forgiveness is needed). Help us to ‘be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving,’ the way You are to us (Ephesians 4:32).

“Teach us to overlook the faults and weaknesses of the other. Give us a sense of humor, especially as we deal with the hard issues of life.

“Unite us in faith, beliefs, standards of morality, and mutual trust. Help us to be of the same mind, to move together in harmony, and to quickly come to mutual agreements about our finances, our children, how we spend our time, and any other decisions that need to be made.

“Where we are in disagreement and this has caused strife, I pray You would draw us together on the issues. Adjust our perspectives to align with Yours. Make our communication open and honest so that we avoid misunderstandings.

“May we have the grace to be tolerant of each other’s faults and, at the same time, have the willingness to change. I pray that we will not live two separate lives, but will instead walk together as a team. Remind us to take time for one another so that our marriage will be a source of happiness, peace, and joy for us both.

“Lord, I pray that You would protect our marriage from anything that would destroy it. Take out of our lives anyone who would come between us or tempt us. Help us to immediately recognize and resist temptation when it presents itself.

“I pray that no other relationship either of us have, or have had in the past, will rob us of anything in our relationship now. Sever all unholy ties in both of our lives. May there never be any adultery or divorce in our future to destroy what You, Lord, have put together. Help because it has developed a non-working part. I pray that we will turn to You —the Designer —to fix it and get it operating the way it was intended.

“Teach us to seek each other’s well-being first, as You have commended in Your Word (1 Corinthians 10:24). We want to keep You at the center of our marriage and not expect from each other what only You can give.

“Where either of us have unrealistic expectations of the other, open our eyes to see it. May we never waver in our commitment and devotion to You and to one another, so that this marriage will become all You designed it to be.”

The above article and prayer came from the book, “The Power of a Praying Husband, written by Stormie Omartian and Michael Omartian (with additional contributors such as Neil Anderson, Steven Curtis Chapman, Jack Hayford and others), published by Harvest House. “In 20 short, easy-to-read chapters, Stormie Omartian shares how you can intercede for your wife” in prayer in various areas “where she longs for your prayers” You’ll also receive “advice and personal stories from well-know Christian men, prayer ideas and words from Scripture.” Preview or Purchase this book now.

—ALSO—

Below you will find additional prayers you can pray for your wife, located at another web site location. Please click onto the link below to read:

• PRAYER PORTIONS: Praying for Your Wife

In a ministry that deals with marriage, it’s difficult NOT to cover the issue of birth control. It’s a necessary decision to make —whether you consider it a viable choice for you as a married couple to use it or not.

From time-to-time we will receive letters from people (primarily women) asking whether it’s biblical to use birth control. Our answer is, “that depends.” The following is part of a response I sent out to someone asking our opinion on this:

As for your question about it being “wrong” if you use birth control, I have to say that I see nothing in the Bible that would make one think it’s biblically wrong (and I’ve looked because we’ve had many, many other inquiries about this). Birth control, as long as it doesn’t take the life of the baby (like having an abortion) is something that I believe as a follower of Christ, is wise and isn’t against God’s will for us, unless He individually shows us otherwise.

God created sex for many reasons. And one of them is for pleasure and intimate connectiveness with our covenant marriage partner. He wants us to enjoy having sexual relations within marriage with our spouse so we feel closer to each other. It’s actually a sacred act within marriage. (We have several articles on our web site in the “Sexual Issues” section on this subject.)

In the book, A Celebration of Sex, which is a Christian book by Dr Douglas E Rosenau, there are several pages dedicated to birth control. Part of what he says is this:

“The Genesis passage of being fruitful and multiplying is in the context of God’s giving humankind control of the natural world. We are to be wise stewards of the children God places in our care. To choose to have one or two or five has to be a thoughtful and prayerful decision. You as a couple will have to sort through which method of birth control best fits you as you consider personal sensitivities and values.

“…It is good for all of us to remember that God values family and procreation with the planting of seed and the possibility of contraception. Thinking through birth control requires us to sort through our theology of procreation and life, and the deeper meaning of lovemaking in God’s overall sexual economy.”

God gave us a brain to think with and use. And if we don’t think that it would be a good idea to have a baby at this time (or even ever have a baby) we need to pray about it and see if this lines up with God’s will for our lives and use our God-given wisdom to use something that will prevent pregnancy. Every baby that comes into this world should be seen as being a blessing and one that we are prepared to care for and raise as the Lord would have us. If we aren’t ready to have a child or we think we might not be good parents then we need to be wise and consider using birth control.

If, on the other hand, you become pregnant because the birth control didn’t work, then you need to view it as God’s way of telling you that He will help you to love and care for this baby. You did your part to prevent an unwanted pregnancy but if God over-rides your preventative actions, then this would be God’s will for you and you would then lovingly raise the child the Lord has decided to give you.

As for the type of birth control and other related questions you may have, I advise you to put “Birth Control for Christians” into your search engine of your computer. I put that term into the Google search engine and quite a few articles came up that looked very interesting and helpful to read. I believe as you read through what God inspires you to read, you will eventually know what God’s will is in this area of your life.

As you read each one, pray as to what God would want YOU to do. There are many opinions as to what may be the best birth control method, but trust God to show you what would work best for your family.

Please enjoy having sexual relations with your husband and if God leads you to, I hope you will use whatever birth control God shows you is OK. I believe you are being a wise steward with the wisdom God is giving you if you pray over whether or not having more children will work for you in your marriage. Just as the Bible says that there is a “season for everything under heaven” I believe there is a season to be “fruitful and multiply” and there is a season to stop the harvest.

So, to help those of you who are struggling with this question, we’re going to list a few links to some web site articles that you might find helpful — giving different perspective. We encourage you to prayerfully read through each article. You might also research more on your own if these don’t answer your questions after praying about it.

Please click onto the links below to read:

• CAN CHRISTIANS USE BIRTH CONTROL?

• BIRTH CONTROL: A CHRISTIAN’S PERSPECTIVE

• SILENT VOICES: BIRTH CONTROL

We have one last consideration we encourage you to to pray about concerning the issue of whether you should use birth control or not. Please read Romans 14 and 1 Corinthians 10 in your Bible. Within these scriptural passages, the issue is raised on certain practices such as eating meat sacrificed to idols, and whether this was permissible for followers of Christ.

From what I read, the message was that “it depends” —just as we said at the beginning of this article. “Everything is permissible —but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible —but not everything is constructive” (1 Corinthians 10:23).

It’s a matter of praying about it, reading and discussing together what you perceive God is telling YOU as marriage partners —whether to use birth control or not, and then going in the direction God leads on this matter. When you ask for wisdom, consider all the facts, asking God for clarification for your life path together with Him, and then you will make the right decision, we are sure.

Please know that for all who read this, we are asking God to “fill you with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may life a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God” (Colossians 1:9-10).

The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International. We greatly welcome your constructive discussion below to help others who may be reading this article.

Wow! As I read your letter, what came to mind is “control issues.” I don’t know if your husband is a real controller (which may be), or if you are bucking any type of “control” you perceive he is trying to exert over your life (which may be), or if it’s a little or a lot of both (which it may be).

But from what I perceive as I pray and read your letter, is that if you are going to resolve this situation, somehow you and your husband need to call a truce and figure out how to quit treating each other like you’re enemies and more like you’re marriage PARTNERS — which you vowed to be on your wedding day. It will take intentionality on both of your parts to do this.

It’s real easy in marriage, when we live together day in and day out, to get to a place where we start nit-picking at this and that, and position ourselves at opposite sides of every little issue, pointing fingers at the other – that THEY are the problem. (My husband and I have been there and have done that as well, and can easily get caught up in doing that again at any point if we aren’t careful, so please know that what you are going through is not uncommon).

The Bible says in James 4:1, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” Somehow, you both need to take the time to pray together and look within your OWN hearts and ask God to show you how you can work together to work through issues, not against each other to compound them and to break down any self-willfulness that is setting itself up against resolving your differences.

You might want to pray as the psalmist: “Search me O God and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24). “Who can discern my errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me” (Psalm 19:12-13). “Create in me a clean heart O God, and renew a right spirit within me” (Psalm 51:10).

Experts in relationships are saying that those who have the strongest marriages are ones where there is “mutual support and willingness to sacrifice.” I want to add to that… grace — to give each other more grace. All of this sounds like it comes from the Bible, rather than secular “experts”, doesn’t it? And it does (even though the “experts” wouldn’t acknowledge it.) There needs to be more supporting and working together, rather than against each other, because THAT’S sure not getting you anywhere good.

And you both need to seek God’s wisdom on this. We’re told in James 3:17, “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” Is that the posture you and your husband are taking in these matters? Please look at each point and ask yourself if that’s your approach.

The Bible also tells husbands and wives in 1 Peter 3:8-9, “Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”

And that is what I… and especially GOD wants for you and your husband, and your children as well— a blessing. I’m sure your children are picking up on the tension that is going on between you. You are modeling marriage for them. Are you modeling the picture you would like them to see and live out in their own marriages someday (if they ever marry)?

“A good marriage doesn’t just happen! It takes a solid set of decisions, a huge amount of skill, and enormous willpower. I contend that people in extremely healthy marriages built those marriages just as you build a mammoth bridge or a skyscraper. They made their marriage triumphant because they simply wouldn’t settle for less. It doesn’t matter at all to them how much backbreaking work it requires; if it were necessary, they would do a thousand times more. Their willpower gives them this kind of toughness” (Dr Neil Clark Warren).

I hope you and your husband will exert the willpower and toughness it takes to turn this current rough spot around in your marriage. I encourage you to talk to your husband about this (but NOT at a time when you’re arguing). And don’t do it at a “H.A.L.T. Time” either. That’s a time when either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. There’s more vulnerability to be less tolerant during those times.

As author Scott Stanley says about approaching during a vulnerable time,

“A number of studies demonstrate that we tend to give people more benefit of the doubt [and grace] when we’re in a good mood and less benefit of the doubt when in a bad mood [or one of the above factors is in play]. If you’re in a bad mood, you’re more likely to perceive whatever your partner says or does more negatively, no matter how positive he or she is trying to be.”

So, the point is, to ask God to help you to discern when would be the best time to talk with your husband. You may still get a negative reaction from him, but there’s less of a chance of it if you pick a better time to make your approach.

Please know that we have a lot of tools on our web site in the “Communication Tools” section that can help you and your husband if you need to obtain some skill-building tools to help you resolve issues in a more peaceable manner, and articles on a variety of other topics as well if you need them.

I hope this helps in some way. No, I wasn’t able to give you a quick-fix solution, but rather I hope this inspires you to look at your “problems” more as character-building — marriage-building situations that once you have applied yourselves to work together, your relationship will be all the stronger as a husband and wife and as a family. I pray so.

And we pray so for each of you that read this Marriage Message — that along with God, you will victoriously persevere through every relationship barrier that comes your way within your marriage. God wants to work in and through you to display His grace and persevering love in ways that you never imagined. With God, you can do this.

Cindy and Steve Wright

“The longer your spouse has been deployed, and the more danger he’s faced, the more likely you both have changed. Even if the reunion goes as planned, challenges lie ahead.” (Erin Prater)

To read about some of the challenges and ways to combat and over-come those challenges, please click onto the Focus on the Family web site link below (and then read the additional articles this ministry supplies as well to help you with:

• POST DEPLOYMENT: The Short- Term Reality

And then when a spouse has been deployed for a long time it’s important to remember:

“Wars begin where you will, but do not end where you please.” (Machiavelli)

Reunions are wonderful, but you can also find a different war zone that can begin between you if you don’t do what it takes to make your transition time together easier than just coming together and working things out on a “wing and a prayer.”

To help you with this transition in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead, the ministry of Focus on the Family has additional articles you can read. To begin with, please click onto the link to the article below and read the additional

• POST DEPLOYMENT: The Long-Term Reality

And what if there are additional problems, such as what this couple encountered:

“Just back from Iraq, Navy SEAL Mark Waddell suffered from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. And his wife, Marshéle, was clueless how to help.”

Please click onto the following Marriage Partnership Magazine web site link to read:

• WAR ON THE HOME FRONT

And from Military.com an article (and additional articles as well) that could help you further in your adjustment time. Please click onto the web site link to read:

• RETURNING TO FAMILY LIFE AFTER MILITARY DEPLOYMENT

The above article was compiled by Cindy Wright from Marriage Missions International

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

“Do you believe your destiny is predetermined? Maybe you believe it is put in place by God (See: Jeremiah 29:11). I personally believe God has a perfect plan for us in all aspects of our life, but we have the power to mess up the plan as He allows our free will to be at work. I recently found a writing (author unknown) which I believe makes our part in defining our destiny clear.

Watch your thoughts, 
They define your words.
Watch your words,
They define your actions.
Watch your actions,
They define your habits,
Watch your habits,
They define your character.
Watch your character,
It defines your destiny.

“Now, let’s apply this to our relationships.

“First, THOUGHTS… Do you think positively about your mate or date? Or do you find yourself thinking about their faults more than their strengths?  Do you think about your relationship with commitment or as one that is on the brink of shattering with every upset?  Proverbs 23:7 KJV says, ‘As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.’ That makes it pretty clear that the destiny of our relationships begins with our thoughts.

“Now, what about the WORDS we speak?  Remember, they are defined by our thoughts. We have a choice of what we say and how we say it.  Proverbs 15:1-2 NIV says, ‘A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.’ It is clear that our words have a dramatic impact on the actions of our mate or date. Managing our tongue to speak truth with a soft tone produces the best result. Seldom are we forced to use angry words to accomplish our purpose.

“What about your ACTIONS?  So often we’d like to blame them on someone else such as our date or mate or even ‘the devil made me do it.’  Just like with our words and thoughts, our actions are made through our choice. Unfortunately, we may not stop to make a choice, but we react based on our emotions.

“It will be much easier to make a choice about our actions if we are managing our thoughts and words.  Psalm 1:1-2 gives us some insight as to how to do this. ‘Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.’

“Well, we’re getting closer to our destiny. Now we need to consider our HABITS. They are defined by our actions and are a matter of conditioning. I believe I’ve heard that repeating an action twenty-one times causes it to become a habit. Some of us may be more resistant to change so it may take 30, or 40, or 50 times. The key is that we are making a choice to change our habits.  Why? The reason is because it defines our character.

“What is CHARACTER? Well, it’s who you are. I’ve heard that it is what you do when no one is watching.  It’s who we are when all of the masks are removed and our vulnerabilities, as well as our strengths are seen by our mate or date. Hopefully, it is the greatest factor on which they make a decision about whether you are worthy of a relationship with them.  And let’s face it; it is defined by our thoughts, words, actions and our habits.

“Well, here we are at our DESTINY in relationships. What we want is to be happy, to be loving, to be committed, to be caring, to be empathetic, and to be emotionally healthy. The list goes on and on as we consider who we want to be to our self and others. We are forced to make choices which lead to a destiny in our relationships and the quality of our life.

“So, we reach the end; our destiny. It’s based on our choices and we are responsible for it. We can’t blame anyone else. But, now, we must go back to the beginning and start out again as life is constantly changing and we are presented with new choices. What a challenge it is!  But now we know how we got to where we are and how to get to a better place in our future.”

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11).

It is our prayer that you will consider the message that Don Bailey gave us and choose this day and for the rest of your lives to live by the values and guidelines God has given us throughout the Bible. And that you will live out the words Joshua proclaimed to those around him:

“Now fear the LORD and serve him with all faithfulness… Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve… But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD” (from Joshua 24:14-15).

May God bless your marriage abundantly,
Cindy and Steve Wright

Do you yell and scream and try to shame him/her into stopping this behavior? Same question applies: “How’s that been working for you so far?”

And then there are the excuses — you’ve probably heard a million of them! “I drink to forget” “I feel better when I drink” “I’ve tried to ‘get on the wagon’ …’every time I fail’” and more.

“Alcoholics offer many excuses — ‘Drinking makes me feel better,’ ‘It calms me down,’ ‘I’m more fun when I’m drunk’ and more — but these explanations only skim the surface of the deeper issues that usually drive and fuel a drinking problem.” (Ashley Michael, from article titled “But I’ve Got Reasons” posted on Troubled with.com)

And what about the promises your spouse has made that “things will be different?” (That is, if you’ve even received such promises!) Perhaps you can relate to the following comments that came from a wife whose husband has a drinking problem:

“I couldn’t count the times Bob promised he would never drink again. That must be the most frustrating part of the experience — having Bob look me straight in the eye and tell me he’s through — really done with bingeing. He’d say, ‘I’ve seen how it hurts you and the kids, and I’ve had it. I promise you that I’ll never do it again!’

“Then in a day or two he was dead drunk. I thought he was lying to me. How could he love me and lie so many times to my face? But he wasn’t lying. He couldn’t keep his promise. Bob thought he could whip this problem with willpower. It’s like trying to stop diarrhea by making up your mind to do so.” (From the Question and Answer article “If my husband drinks a lot but doesn’t get drunk, is he an alcoholic?“)

That’s not the most inviting word picture to think about, but it has some truth to it, don’t you think? Your spouse may have good intentions but he/she is in a state of denial both mentally (not facing the truth) and in a state of denial physically (where the needs of the body deny him or her the ability to stop reaching for another drink unless he/she has serious help).

It’s difficult to talk to someone who is in a continual state of denial, as well. That is why you often need help to know how to best work with the situation you have been handed. It comes down to the fact that when you are dealing with a person who is a heavy drinker —particularly if he or she is is drinking at the time, you aren’t speaking to your spouse so much as you are the alcohol he/she is using for numbing purposes — to cope with life in an unhealthy manner.

When you are trying to deal with this type of dysfunctional partner you truly need wisdom and help from someone who isn’t so close to the situation and can give you objective advice.

“A comment I often have clients, who are frustrated with a dysfunctional partner, repeat back to me is:  ‘Do not expect functional behavior from a dysfunctional person.’

“Learning to get our expectations in line with reality is a first step in dealing with reality. We are often the first person that needs a change of perspective. In therapy we call this ‘re-framing’ the situation.” (Delores Stone, Counselor)

You need to “get real” within yourself and with your spouse. To help you with this, please click onto the web site links below:

• GAMES ALCOHOLIC FAMILIES PLAY

• ARE YOU AN ENABLER?

• WHEN TO TAKE A STAND (Watch Online)

The Bible warns us: “Do not be misled, ‘bad company corrupts good character.’ Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God — I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:33-34).

But then there is the friend who acts like Jesus with skin on, who loves us in the manner of Christ — who lives out the proverb “A friend loves at all times” (Proverbs 17:17). But lets take that a step further. What would you do about friends who see you doing something that’s hurting your marriage and they confront you on it? Would you embrace their motives and advice or would you push them away?

And what if you see your friend doing something harmful to their marriage, are YOU the type of friend that would keep quiet or would you confront them about it?

The Bible tells us that the “wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses” (Proverbs 27:6). The footnote explanation for this verse in the New Life Application Bible says something worth thinking about on this matter. It reads:

“Who would prefer a friend’s wounds to an enemy’s kisses? It would be anyone who considers the source. A friend who has your best interests at heart may have to give you unpleasant advice at times, but you know it is for your own good. An enemy, by contrast, may whisper sweet words and happily send you on your way to ruin. We tend to hear what we want to hear, even if an enemy is the only one who will say it. A friend’s advice, no matter how painful, is much better.”

We live in a time where the world teaches us to mind our own business — especially when it concerns a matter that can be awkward, and yet, is that really the way God has called us to live? Minding our own business might save us discomfort — but is that what Jesus did? Did He go about His life minding His own business — hesitant to confront those who were living their lives contrary to how God would have them live?

As we read the Bible, we see that Jesus was quite confrontational with those who claimed to love God and yet lived their lives in contrary ways. And He told others to follow His example. We are challenging you to do the same, as the Lord has challenged us concerning our friendships as well. We also have an article posted in the “Assorted Marriage Problems” section which goes into depth further on this matter. It’s titled “Friendships and How They Influence a Marriage” and you might find it helpful.

Concerning this matter, we urge you not to stay silent when you see married friends who are not living out their marriage vows — honoring the Lord and their spouse with how they interact with them. We encourage you that if you witness this happening to your friends, to ask the Lord to show you how to lovingly confront them before any further damage is done to their marriage and the Lord’s testimony.

“See to it that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness” (Hebrews 3:12-13).

One of the definitions in the dictionary for the word “friend” is, “A person on the same side in a struggle — a supporter.” And that’s what we strive to be in the lives of those God brings across our paths; and that’s what we pray you will be for those around you. As born-again Believers in Christ, we’re on the same side in the struggle against that which is wrong. We’re not to be “nit-picky” about every little fault our friends have, but we also aren’t to stay silent about that which is blatantly wrong and harmful. We’re to poke holes in darkness even when it brings discomfort.

We need to speak up to confront those who profess to be Christians — those who are dishonoring each other in their marriages. The Christian marriage is to be a visible, living example of the love of Christ in action with how we interact with each other. And if each one of us takes this mission seriously, those who don’t know Christ will be able to see the love of God all the more clearly. As Bible teacher and historian Ray Vander Laan said,

“Our job is to live so publicly — so front and center, that as people see us, they see God. God puts us in the world so that as they see us they say, ‘Your God must be something else! I want to know Him as you do’.”

With this in mind, we’d like to share something written by Henry and Richard Blackaby. We pray that the Lord will speak to your hearts as He has ours on this subject of being a true friend to those around us. They write:

“We live in a world that teaches us to mind our own business. We try not to get involved in other people’s problems. We tell ourselves it’s not our place. This attitude is completely opposite to what the Bible teaches. As Christians, we’re called to become involved in the lives of others, especially when we see someone headed for trouble. It’s actually our responsibility, when we see a fellow believer drifting toward sin, to warn that person of the dangers ahead.

“Sometimes we’re reluctant to say anything to others because we don’t want to offend them. We don’t want to act ‘holier than thou.’ Besides, if we point out the sins of others, they might point back at us and begin naming our sins!

“So often we say nothing and think that’s the most Christian thing to do. James argues, however, that when we help someone avoid the danger of sin, we’re saving that person from death! We need to check to see what’s happening in the lives of people around us. If our friends keep falling into sin and we keep minding our own business, we have failed as a Christian friend.

“Is there someone you need lovingly to warn of the danger ahead? Take courage. Regardless of the response you receive, speak up before it’s too late. Do so out of genuine concern for the well-being of your friend.”

The Bible says, “Whoever turns a sinner from his error will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins” (James 5:20). The footnote explanation for this verse in the New Life Application Bible says this:

“Right living is the evidence and result of faith. The church must serve with compassion, speak lovingly and truthfully, live in obedience to God’s commands, and love one another. The body of believers ought to be an example of heaven on earth, drawing people to Christ through love for God and each other. If we truly believe God’s Word, we will live it day by day. God’s Word is not merely something we read or think about, but something we do. Belief, faith, and trust must have hands and feet — OURS!”

It’s our prayer that together we’ll make a positive difference in encouraging our friends and that we’ll “speak the truth in love” (as the Bible talks of) when it is needed. And as we do that, “we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From Him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work” (Ephesians 4:15-16). AMEN!

Steve and Cindy Wright

My husband, Jeff, and I had just relocated to this town, and although he was not a Christian at the time, Jeff was supportive of my desire to get involved in my new church.

I quickly made friends and started serving in different areas of church life, such as helping in the nursery and planning women’s retreats.

Over the course of time, I developed a close friendship with the pastor and his wife. And as the months turned into years, my relationship with the pastor became overly-familiar and far too close.

Many times when the pastor’s wife and I were having lunch at their home, her husband would drop by for awhile and we would all chat. Since the pastor and I had similar personalities we found each other charming, witty, and irresistibly funny. We could laugh and talk for hours.

Our “friendship” eventually escalated to the point where we were talking on the phone almost every day. Of course Jeff had no idea that the pastor and I were in daily contact. This was something I was hiding from him.

Although we mainly discussed benign topics such as church business or our mutual friends, in my heart of hearts I knew it was inappropriate behavior. The phone calls were starting to thrill me —which was alarming in and of itself. And I felt conscience-stricken about allowing this too close friendship to continue.

Yet, instead of responding to the “red light” of a guilty conscience by shutting down the friendship, I was drawn even closer to the pastor by my pride and a refusal to heed the warning signs.

In desperation I called up my trusted friend Debbie who lived in another state. She listened patiently as I poured out my heart to her. I held nothing back, doing my best to be as transparent as possible.

Her counsel was that I leave that church immediately. During our long, tearful conversation, she literally begged me to get out of the pastor’s life that day, and to run to a different church, as if my life depended on it.

I vowed that I would obey her warning. I promised to do exactly as she said. I pledged to extract myself from this man’s life quickly. But ultimately, I chose not to.

You see, at first I was convinced that Debbie’s advice was correct. Then, little by little, I decided that I could handle the pastor’s escalating attention. Leaving a church I loved so dearly seemed too drastic. So on I went, careening recklessly through another red light.

My world came crashing down one hot July afternoon. I had put my little boy down for a nap and was enjoying my daily chat on the phone with the pastor  —when he revealed his interest in me as more than just a friend.

In hindsight all I can say is “duh!” Spending copious amounts of time getting to know someone of the opposite sex is called “dating”. What did I expect to happen?

His declaration of romantic interest propelled me into the worst season of my life, and what ensued was a three month inappropriate relationship. Eventually the elders found out about it, and I was asked to leave the church immediately. Within a few months the pastor was asked to resign his position, and he and his family moved to another state.

After I left the church I confessed the whole ugly situation to my husband. To say he was disappointed would be an understatement. Jeff was understandably hurt and angry, but he forgave me. And ultimately, he took great comfort in the knowledge that nothing had happened physically between the pastor and me.

The Turning Point

Honesty and transparency marked the beginning of the restoration of my marriage. During the first few weeks of the rebuilding process I spent much time in prayer; repentance, a cry for renewal, and the revitalization of my marriage were predominate in my conversations with God.

It was during these weeks of prayer that I had what can only be described as a “supernatural curtain pull.” Like the old game show Let’s Make a Deal, God pulled back the curtain of my dulled and wounded emotions with a flourish and said “Ta Da! Look who you married!”

And I saw it! I saw an honorable man, an intelligent man, a caring and steady man. It was at that point in my life that I began to actively revel in the man that was mine alone.

It’s Your Turn

Now it’s your opportunity to take notice of the unique and extraordinary gift that is right in front of your eyes. This revelation does not come after your husband loses forty-five pounds, or your wife goes through extensive therapy, or your mate agrees to buy that new home you’ve been hoping for.

Instead, it comes when the Lord shows you just who you are married to. Our spouses may not be perfect, but with very few exceptions, most of them have worthy qualities just waiting to be noticed and esteemed. Each is a prize in his or her own right!

Maybe as you sit reading this article, your “prize” is drooling and dreaming in his La-Z-Boy chair. Or perhaps she’s nursing the baby in two-day old clothing that smells of “spit up”.

Whatever the particular circumstances surrounding you and your mate, now is the time to ask God to wow you with a curtain pull. And to that end, let’s discuss two key ways in which you can position yourself to receive this “marriage enhancing” revelation.

• Key 1: Loving Actions Produce Loving Feelings

Feelings follow actions, not the other way around. All too often, we plan to act a certain way once we genuinely feel that way. We say things like, “As soon as my wife starts doing the things I’ve asked her to do, I’ll be more loving.” Or, “If my husband would only stop irritating me, I’d be a nicer wife!”

But the truth is our feelings will follow the actions we take. We’ll feel more loving after we begin to act more loving. Our eyes will be opened to our husband or wife’s superior qualities as we begin to actively notice and esteem them.

When I teach this principle at women’s retreats, I’m occasionally approached by women who say something like, “Paula, I’m not going to act all lovey-dovey with my husband if I’m not feeling it!”

But to believe that you cannot act a certain way until you genuinely, fully, and resolutely feel that way is incorrect, and it allows your emotions to dictate the course of your marriage.

And more importantly, it will impede that “curtain pull” you’re hoping for. An important first step in facilitating a new outlook and perspective on your mate is by continually choosing to take loving and nurturing actions toward him or her.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not talking about pretending to be an ever smiling, perfectly coiffed, Stepford-spouse who never discusses anything negative with their mate. On the contrary, communication is of prime importance in marriage.

What I am saying is that ultimately we are in charge of our own emotions, and we can choose just how we will act. Our fragile, frenzied feelings aren’t in charge. The godly person inside of us — the one who desires to honor God with our lives and marriages —that’s who’s in charge!

• Key 2: Learn to Overlook Your Spouses Faults

When it comes to overlooking your husband or wife’s faults I’m not suggesting overlooking addiction, abuse, or neglect. I’m talking about overlooking those annoying little personality quirks that seemed tolerable when you and your spouse were first dating.

Maybe your wife is a pack rat, saving every toy the kids ever played with — for sentimental reasons. Or your husband’s a neat freak, and you have three kids in a house that will never be picked up to his standards. Does he talk with his mouth full — does she pick her teeth in public — perhaps he laughs too loudly at social gatherings?

Whatever his or her particular foibles, they need to be overlooked if you want to live in peace with your spouse.

It’s true that marriage can be challenging at times — but it also can be fulfilling, comforting, and joyous. If we want to enjoy our marriages, and experience our own “Ta Da!” moments, it’s important to keep our sense of humor intact and our minds focused on our mate’s good qualities.

Overlooking another’s faults means to literally “look over the top of the faults” to see the person you love standing on the other side. You love your spouse. You don’t love their faults —but you do love them?

So what about it? Are you ready for your own curtain pull? You better brace yourself — it’s gonna be good! In fact, maybe you ought to sit down for this. Get ready now – are you ready? Okay then, here it comes:

Ta-da! Look who you married!

The above article was excerpted from the book, The Man You’ve Always Wanted is the One You Already Have, written by Paula Friedrichsen Preview or Purchase This Book Now.

This book gives candid revelations about the inappropriate relationship that nearly destroyed the author’s marriage and will help you see that no man compares to the one you already have. In this book you will discover how to: Embrace the differences between you and your spouse, revel in the freedom of forgiveness, and draw near to the only true Source of lasting fulfillment.

The author Paula Friedrichsen is also a conference speaker as well as an author.  She lives with her husband and daughter in Northern California. You can contact Paula on her web site at www.PFMinistries.com.

The above article was used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.

(To see previous questions, visit our archive)

As author Dan Allendar says, “No matter how blissfully a marriage begins, all husbands and wives eventually fail each other. We are sinners saved by grace — and we need grace not only from God but also from one another” —which is true.

“In this life it’s guaranteed you will make mistakes, disappoint one another and make some poor decisions. This is especially true in our marriages. The only way to keep any relationship growing in the midst of our humanity is to forgive. The apostle Paul gave us a staggering challenge in the area of forgiveness: ‘Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you’ (Colossians 3:13).

“As beautiful as this sounds in Scripture, the concept of forgiveness gets rather complicated in every day life. When we are wronged, emotions run high. We may want to forgive, but feel incapable. Or we may think we have forgiven, only to catch ourselves stewing weeks or even years later. A few situations like this and we start to feel as though genuine forgiveness in marriage is an impossible feat” (Pam and Bill Farrell, from the Crosswalk.com article Give Your Spouse the Gift of Grace This Season).

In our humanness, we can often feel this way… but don’t give up.

“Sometimes in trying to forgive we put an intense but unnecessary burden on ourselves. I thought I could completely forgive right away. But I discovered that forgiveness is not a one-time act. It’s a process. While it begins with the decision to forgive, it often takes time before the heart fully accepts what the will has set in motion. How long it takes may depend on the severity of the pain. Forgiveness takes time, and we must give ourselves the grace that our healing requires as we put forgiveness in motion” (Linda W Rooks, from the book, “Broken Heart on Hold“).

If more bitterness wells up within you, then give it to God. And keep repeating the process (even “77 times” as Jesus tells us in Matthew 18:21-35) until you’re able to experience peace.

Sometimes it’s like peeling the layers of an onion slowly (sometimes it takes years). There is more underneath that will bring discomfort and tears, but that is all part of the process. Tears are cleansing (there are various studies which prove this to be true). It’s when we bury that which needs to be released — THAT’S when there is real trouble because bitterness turned inward is cancerous to our soul.

Also, keep in mind:

“When forgiveness is necessary, don’t wait too long. We must begin to forgive, because without forgiving, we choke off our own joy; we kill our own soul. People carrying hate and resentment can invest themselves so deeply in that resentment that they gradually define themselves in terms of it” (Lewis B Smedes, from book Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve).

Don’t you see this in people around you? I have, and it’s truly tragic! However:

“I have finally learned that one of the functions of marriage is for husbands and wives to express God’s grace to each other. Our marriages become reflections of our own personal relationships with Christ. Has God forgiven you of much, and set your feet on solid ground? Then men, realize that God expects active sacrifice as head of the home. Wives, appreciate the fact that your humble submission to your husband directly honors God.

“Every one of us needs forgiveness because we all make mistakes. What do we do when your husband is insensitive or unkind? Do you expect him to recognize that he has made a mistake and then wait for him to ask for forgiveness? If you do you’ll find two problems with that approach. First, in speaking for most men, we will only recognize about 25 per cent of our mistakes, at best. So, you’ll spend a long time waiting for an apology, or you’ll be disappointed most of the time.

“Second, and most importantly, your approach is not biblical. Has God only forgiven those sins that you have brought to His attention? Once we are justified, as Romans 4:5-8 tells us, God not only forgives our sins, but He also ‘counts them against us no more.’ He uses the Greek word ‘logizomai’, which means ‘no record.’ In other words, the record of wrongs is shredded.

“That is exactly what we must do. We recognize the sin or injustice, but we choose not to save it to our archives for later use. We must develop a habit of thought that forgives the wrongs then deletes the memory of that wrong before a seed of bitterness can destroy many.

“Why is it so hard to develop an attitude of forgiveness? Satan preys on our sinful pride that manifests itself in the form of a reluctance and inability to readily forgive, so he magnifies the injury and constantly reminds us of the injustice in an effort to encourage us to either seek vengeance or vindication.

“God, however, is responsible for dealing with both those issues, so if we truly trust in God and don’t lean on our own understanding, we will know that His perfect justice will prevail. We won’t need to keep a record of wrongs, nor will we need to refer to our lists of rights as a means of preventing future injury.

“What is truly exciting is that God has not only given us motivation to forgive others, but He has also promised to provide a blessing which is in direct proportion to the severity of the hurt we have forgiven. Jesus told us that if we don’t forgive, we will not be forgiven, and He has promised that those who show mercy will receive mercy. I know I certainly want mercy, not His justice” (Stu Lindner from Crosswalk.com article Forgiveness)

How about you?

“When others (including our spouse) hurts us in ways we don’t deserve, at some point we will come to the crossroads of decision. We will have to look our pain square in the face and ask, ‘Am I going to hang on to my anger and do violence to myself, or am I going to forgive those who have wounded me? Am I going to allow bitterness to poison and putrefy my soul, or am I going to invite God to empower me to let the anger go?’” (Pam Vredevelt, from the book The Wounded Woman: Hope and Healing for Those Who Hurt)

But what if your spouse is not sorry for what he/she has done… do you still need to work on forgiving him or her? Keep in mind, that God put forth the effort and reached out to forgive us for our sin (by the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross for us), “while we were yet sinners.” It’s up to us to accept it, for forgiveness to have its full effect.

But that doesn’t minimize the fact that it was offered just the same — whether we accept it or not. Even while the soldiers, who were crucifying Jesus, were full of pride and were jeering and condemning Him, Jesus prayed for them and offered forgiveness, praying that God would “forgive them because they knew not what they were doing.” I’m not sure if they ever made the effort to receive what He offered, but the gift was available just the same.

And God wants us to do the same. We are to release ourselves from the bitterness and do our part in the forgiveness equation. By doing that, we are reaching for freedom. It’s about agape love that we have received from God and agape love that we are to give out, which helps us to live a more abundant life. What your spouse does with the gift you are giving, is between him/her and God, once you take your hands off of the situation.

And if he/she spits forth words of scorn, then you are in good company, because that is what happened to Jesus (and still happens over and over again to Him in this world).

We’ve also been asked another question many times: How do you trust your spouse again after being betrayed by him or her? As far as we can see, there is a difference between the action of forgiving a spouse because God tells us this is necessary (especially to release us from the prison of bitterness) and the action of trusting that spouse. Both are entirely different steps. Extending forgiveness is not to be dependent upon the actions of your spouse for you to release him or her in your heart and give him or her to God so HE alone is their judge. In doing that, you become free in your heart and emotions for God to help you to heal.

If your spouse doesn’t accept it or do anything to deserve it, that is something between him or her and God. But on your part, you are released from the additional future pain that comes with nursing, rehearsing, and allowing that pain to keep inflicting you as you hold onto it.

A possible second step is building trust once again. Trust is something that your spouse must participate in to help you to be able to embrace again, if it is to happen. It’s something you would benefit from if you participate with your spouse to allow it to rebuild IF your spouse is repentant and sincere and honest in working toward that goal. But please recognize that the Bible doesn’t tell you that you must trust your spouse again… just that you must not allow bitterness to take root. (See Hebrews 12:15.)

Unforgiveness robs you of peace and continues to steal from you in various ways. Don’t give the enemy of your faith that empowerment. Go with God on this. Release bitterness and forgive in your heart and actions— I’m not saying condone or enable… but free yourself from holding onto unforgiveness. It may be a long painful journey to get to that place… but it is worth every step. I hope you will (if you haven’t already). The freedom you can experience in your heart is empowering and truly a gift from God that keeps on giving.

“Make forgiveness a habit that you’re always willing to practice with God’s help. Forgive your mate not just for big issues, but also for small things like irritating behavior that can drive a wedge between you. Take every thought captive by praying for the Holy Spirit to renew your mind and bring your thoughts into conformity with biblical truths. Remember how lavishly God has forgiven you, and know that the ways you should forgive your spouse — even for major issues — pale in comparison to what Christ has done for you. (Ed Young, from article Follow the 10 Commandments of Marriage)

Ask God to help you with this mission. It’s a gift you give to God, which will benefit you in the long-run. Consider this:

“One man gave his wife a new watch with a note, ‘It’s ‘time’ that I tell you how sorry I am.’ A mother gave her prodigal child a broom with the verse, ‘I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist…’ (Isaiah 44:22). I forgive you; I love you; I am so glad God gave you to be my child.’ Now it’s your turn. What gift of Grace can you bestow?” (Pam and Bill Farrel from Crosswalk.com article Give Your Spouse the Gift of Grace This Season)

Our love is with you as together we give each other the grace and forgiveness God has given us,
Cindy and Steve Wright

“Wise people store up choice things but a foolish person consumes everything he has” (Proverbs 21:20). Ever wonder how people who seemed not to have much end up with significant amounts of money when they need it?

“He who gathers money little by little makes it grow” (Proverbs 13:11). Some of the harshest words Jesus spoke were about the “wicked” servant who didn’t put the master’s money in the bank so it would earn interest (see: Matthew 25:27).

“We spend everything we earn (and more) and then complain how unfair it is when we can’t make it through a rainy day. Here’s a 2,000 year old news flash… It’s gonna rain! Are you ready for a stormy year?”(Glen Williams, EHF, Web-church.com)

The Bible says that “it rains on the just and the unjust” so we can count on the fact that we will encounter storms at times. And when the storms come, we can also lose a lot in the process. That’s when we can encounter financial problems and sometimes our relationship with each other is compromised to the point that one or both spouses believes divorce is the only way to solve things.

But there is a better way —a way in which God would be more pleased. As financial expert Dave Ramsey says,

“There’s a joke that says ‘Marriage is grand, but divorce is 50 grand’ (which means that divorce is multiple times more expensive than people realize in many, many ways). If you can’t make it financially together, you’re going to have a real hard time making it apart.

“What I tell couples is that the enemy is out there —hang onto each other and work through these problems together, rather than separately.” (Dave Ramsey, quoted from the August 3, 2009 program of the 700 Club)

But how do you work together to deal with situations which cause financial and relationship chaos? First off, BE PREPARED. The Bible talks about being wise in building your home upon the foundation of Christ and His principles for living. Jesus stated,

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.” (Matthew 7:24-25)

To help you to wisely prepare and/or deal with financial trouble when a “storm” hits, there are three web site links to insightful articles provided below. Within these articles, you can learn ways to get through times of crisis and also learn how to better build your future financial house on a more solid footing.

One article is written by Dennis Rainey and is posted on the web site for the ministry of Family Life Today, another is written by Deborah McNauton, and is posted on the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine. And the last one is written by Mary Hunt and is posted on the web site for Crosswalk. Click onto the links below to read:

• HOW DO WE DEAL WITH FINANCIAL TROUBLE?

• SURVIVING FINANCIAL CRISIS

• RECOGNIZING CRITICAL FINANCIAL DECISION POINTS
  

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

In thinking about this, we’re reminded of the scripture that says, “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom” (Song of Songs 2:15). These “foxes” are those things that can disturb a relationship to the point where the root system is too trampled upon to grow any further and so it shrivels and instead dies.

There are many of these “foxes” that can destroy. Two of them that come immediately to mind is the computer and cell phones. We love the positive ways in which they help us communicate, but they can sure undermine and destroy marriages.

When a person spends so much time on the computer that it robs their spouse and family of time they need together… the computer time is a “little fox”. Are you giving this disruptor more time than you should? And what about television… is that a little fox that you’re spending too much time with, so that you are neglecting that which should be more important to you? We’ve had to battle this one at times in our own marriage and have had to make necessary adjustments when needed. How about you?

And when a husband (or wife) uses their computer to look at unclothed images of people other than their spouse, that is more of a big wolf than just a little fox. A good vow to make is, “I will set before my eyes no vile thing” (Psalm 101:3). Isn’t that a vow God would ask of a spouse to save their marriage? “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes (or marriage) being burned?” The answer is no. Jesus said, “I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).

This same principle applies to chat rooms as well. Adultery of the heart and emotions is still adultery — even if your spouse cheats… it doesn’t justify cheating on your part. Stay away and “flee” (as the Bible exhorts) from places of temptation. Chat rooms are a great vehicle which the enemy of our faith uses to end marriages. Over and over again, we hear from those who start out “innocently” chatting — even those who are trying to “help” someone of the opposite sex with a problem, only to end up giving their heart to them as well.

And what about cell phones? When a spouse hides his or her cell phone from their spouse, trying to block them from seeing certain calls they are making or receiving (by leaving the room so the other spouse doesn’t know who’s calling) WATCH OUT!!! That is a form of cheating. If you have nothing to hide, you will hide nothing. And marriage isn’t about hiding, but rather uniting and “cleaving” as God tells us. Secret calls separate and shows a lack of trustworthiness!…

“Being trustworthy means building transparency into the relationship, says Willard F Harley Jr., founder of Marriage Builders and author of several books about preventing affairs, including ‘Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage From Habits That Destroy Romantic Love.’ ‘There are many steps couples can take to shield their marriage from secrecy and infidelity, Mr Harley told me recently. For instance, couples should have each other’s cell phone and e-mail information ‘at their disposal.’

“If there already has been an infidelity problem, a couple should review e-mails together before erasing them, he said. ‘Trust, to me, is earned, not assumed.’” (Cheryl Wetzstein from the article “The Best Spouse Will Take the Kitchen Sink Back” Washington Times, July 26, 2009)

In the above mentioned newspaper article, Cheryl writes what Louisiana State University professor Loren Marks shares with his students concerning trustworthiness. She writes:

“‘About five years ago,’ he said, ‘I came home from work, and my wife said, ‘I need to run to K-mart.’ And I said, ‘Well, when we talked at lunch on the phone today, you said you had already gone there this morning.’ And she said, ‘I did, but when I got home, I realized the cashier hadn’t charged me for this $52 sink fixture that I’d bought.’

“And so she ran out the door, went to K-Mart, went to the customer-service line and they didn’t quite know what to do with her. Apparently that’s not a problem they have very often —someone coming back, complaining that they weren’t charged.

“And she said, ‘Well why don’t I go through the line as if I’m going through the first time, and that way you guys can get your money, and I have a clear conscience, and we can both go on happy.’ And they said, ‘Fine.’

“And I tell the students, ‘That’s my love story.’ And they look at me with amused and puzzled eyes. And I say, ‘Let me explain. None of you in here know my wife, but let me ask you a question. How much sleep do you think I lose at night wondering whether my wife is being faithful to me or not?’ And After some thought, someone will say, ‘None.’ And I’ll say, ‘That’s right, but why?’ ‘Well, you know, she took the sink back,’ they will say. And I’ll say, ‘That’s right. And if I can give you a piece of advice based on what I’ve seen personally and professionally, it would be to marry someone who will take the sink back. And, to work toward being the kind of person who will take the sink back.”

A person who takes “the sink back” is a person of integrity. If you are not yet married, we pray you will marry a person of integrity who will hold to these high standards all the days of their life.

“Integrity has been defined as ‘who you are when no one is looking.’ A person of integrity is convinced that the unrelenting pursuit toward wholeness and godliness is more valuable than fairness. Integrity has nothing to do with how the other person’s behaving. It’s doing what is consistent with the person you want to be regardless of the external environment. And serenity of spirit cannot be achieved until we accept full responsibility for our own actions and feelings rather than letting our spouse’s behavior determine how we behave” (from the book “Authentic Marriages” by Jeff and Lora Helton).

A person of integrity does not play in secrecy with “little foxes” that will try to sneak problems into his or her life. We encourage you to work to be that type of spouse — even if your spouse is not. Please do not entertain the enemy of our faith any further than possible. Lets strive together to poke holes in the darkness, instead of contributing energy to it.

May God bless you as you strive to be a spouse of integrity, trustworthiness and faithfulness,
Cindy and Steve Wright

“An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins”
(Proverbs 29:22).

Since the above warnings come from the Bible, does that mean God expects us to stuff in the anger we feel for one another rather than expressing it? Does it mean that we are fools if we let our spouse know how angry we are at him or her? No… it means that we need to be careful of the way and the timing in which we vent it.

“Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him” (Proverbs 29:20). Giving full vent to our anger in haste (without considering the consequences or the end result) is what makes us a fool and leads us to sin. “A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions” (Proverbs 18:2).

Expressing our concerns can actually be helpful and can result in eventually drawing us closer together. But it can also backfire on us if we’re not careful in how we let it be known.

“A couple’s mindset about conflict and how they resolve it is the single most significant predictor of whether or not a marriage can thrive. What couples often don’t understand about conflict is that it’s not about having the last word. It’s about taking the time to understand where the other person is coming from and the willingness to deal with the issues at hand in a constructive way” (Janet Bales).

To explain a bit more on this subject we’d like to share something written by Julie Baumgardner featured in the Chattanooga Times Free Press several years ago. The article titled “Anger in Marriage” reads:

Mark and Lori Kuebler were planning to redecorate their home, but they didn’t agree on how to accomplish the task. At one point Lori made a suggestion. Mark responded by looking at her, laughing and saying, “Are you serious?” What started out as a small disagreement quickly escalated into a blow out. “My feelings were hurt and I felt belittled” said Mrs Kuebler. “We ended up not speaking to each other for several days.”

For “20 years, I’ve worked with thousands of people to help them learn how to appropriately deal with their anger,” said Paul Hegstrom, Ph.D. Founder of Life Skills International, which was developed to teach hurting people the skills they should have learned in a balanced loving home. All of us have experienced the emotion of anger. Because most people have never been taught how to deal with anger constructively, people are often confused about what to do with their anger.

“According to the many of the latest movies, if a person is angry the appropriate response is to seek revenge, which usually equates to violence.

Interestingly, research validates that 96-98 per cent of what people get angry about is rooted in childhood. “When people have been wounded they tend to gravitate toward and marry a person that they believe can fulfill the losses in their childhood,” said Dr Hegstrom.

“For instance, a woman who grew up without a father might gravitate toward someone older and seemingly wiser whom she believes can help fill the void she’s feeling. Or a man who was never listened to as a child might choose a mate that appears to be a good listener.

“When their mate innocently does something to trigger emotions about those childhood losses, instead of understanding what’s at the heart of their anger they become angry at their mate. For example, a wife becomes angry with her husband for arriving home 30 minutes late. She’s irate and he doesn’t understand why this is such a big deal.

“Looking back at this lady’s childhood we find out that her parents divorced because her father was having an affair and would frequently come in late. Her anger stems from fear that her husband might do the same thing to her BUT this is never discussed. Anger is always a secondary reaction to a primary feeling.”

In order to get control over anger, Dr Hegstrom encourages individuals to identify how their parents and grandparents handled anger. What kind of losses did you experience during childhood? The next step is to identify what anger is and where it’s coming from. Is it rooted in feelings of hurt, invalidation, frustration, fear, anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, inadequacy, guilt, etc? These are trigger points.

Once a person knows their trigger points, instead of always reacting with anger they can step back, take a time out and say, “This is how I responded to what you said. Is that what you meant? When couples stop to discuss the little things, they are resolving conflict versus just reacting.

“When individuals begin with childhood issues they begin to grow and heal in these areas,” said Dr Hegstrom. “This process takes time. Many couples expect too much, too quick without any work. The value of a relationship is always greater than the conflict of the moment. If a person is teachable the issues are fixable.”

A couple of weeks ago the Kueblers went on a trip with some friends. Mark and Lori ended up having a disagreement. The kids went swimming and Mark and Lori stayed in the room. After a period of silence both of them looked at each other and said, “We need to settle this and move on. We actually talked without raising our voices and without getting angry,” said Mrs. Kuebler.

“Once you realize you’ve come to that point where you can talk without yelling at each other it feels so good. When you’re yelling you’re not going to get anything settled, you’re just going to make yourself even angrier. When you recognize ‘we need to do things differently’ you realize you’ve accomplished something in your marriage.”

You may think it’s too much of a hassle to LEARN how to resolve conflict the way marriage educators recommend. It seems awkward and “unnatural” to argue in such a manner. But we want to ask you, how is it working for you the way you’ve handled arguments with each other up to this point? Are you satisfied with the way you’re resolving your conflicts?

Remember, we’re told in the Bible that we’re to treat each other as more important than ourselves. Are you doing that? Does your spouse feel heard and understood by the way you express yourself? “If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless” (James 1:26).

Gandhi once said, “My life is my message.” How much more this should be true for those of us who are Christ followers! What message are you giving out in the way you’re relating to your spouse? Are you communicating the gospel with and without words in the way you are handling your end of the conflicts you are having with your spouse?

If not, pray about what you can do about it so that you “do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29).

Keep in mind that we have many articles and tools posted on our web site — particularly in the Communication sections, to help you in this mission.

Cindy and Steve Wright