You and your child are at a grocery store and you're getting ready to check out. Your precious daughter wants a particular item. You don't wish to buy it for her. You let her know in a very friendly way that you can't buy it right now. She keeps at it and eventually starts whining. 

Perhaps she senses you are embarrassed by her ear-splitting sounds. Maybe that doesn't occur to her, but she just simply wants something and she's determined to get it.

Whatever the case may be, she's to a certain degree USING whining as a method to get something from you. Why?

Because she's found it successful.

She's whined before and you gave in. Maybe it goes back to when she cried as a baby, got your immediate attention and care, and she noted that this worked. It doesn't really matter how far back this goes, what IS important is how you deal with it from this point forward.

My suggestion here is to talk with your child about what she is doing:

"Mary, I cannot buy this doll. Your crying is not going to change my mind here. I'd really appreciate it if you helped me get finished here with our shopping."

If Mary continues to cry, you complete your shopping and you do NOT change your demeanor with your daughter. You are still super friendly and super caring. You're just not giving in.

When you get into the car or when you get home, you have another conversation with Mary:

"I want you to know, Mary, that you can talk to me at any time. You can certainly ask me for things and many of those things I'll be able to get for you. I love you and I'm eager to help you in any way I can. However, there will be times when I cannot get you want you want. When those times happen, I do not want you to cry and demand that I change my mind. You can talk to me, give me more information about what you want, and we can talk about it. But whining WILL NOT work with me. Do you understand, honey?"

The above of course is an example of how the conversation could go. But the sooner you have that conversation, the better! Your child can and will understand you. You may have to have this conversation several times. Maybe many times.

But your precious little one will eventually get that there is a different way to communicate to you about things they want. And when they do, it'll be a whole new world for them and for you.

Again, if they really need your help for something, then you provide it. But whining in a restaurant because they got macaroni and cheese instead of steak and mushrooms is clearly different than a stomach ache. You'll easily see and know the difference.

"Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation."

This quote is from Oscar Wilde who was an Irish writer from the late 1800s. One of his accomplishments was the novel "The Picture of Dorian Gray."

I really like Oscar's quote.

When you find conversation is high in a marriage, or any relationship, you'll usually find a high level of affinity as well. Of course we're talking about civil conversation here, not two people yelling and screaming at each other. Although some people will tell you that yelling at each other is better than not talking at all. 

If you find your level of conversation falling off, take steps to remedy. One very easy remedy is to talk about something your spouse is very interested in.

One example would be:

The wife can't wait to see the wedding between Prince Charles and Kate Middleton. The husband couldn't care less. But the communication between them hasn't been all that great lately, so the husband asks, "How are things lining up for the royal wedding?"

If asked sincerely, this could have a very positive effect. Of course it might take a few instances of doing this, but I've seen it work quite often.

Another example:

The husband loves professional football. That might include a few husbands, right? And there just may be a few wives who have zero to minus zero interest in football. But again the communication between the two needs a helping hand, so the wife says the night before the big game, "Honey I'm heading to the store. What can I get you for the game tomorrow?" or:

"Honey, the guys in Vegas have the Colts as a lock for tomorrow's game. Is that how you see it?"

Okay, I'm kidding on that last one, but you get the idea. 

The bond between the two of you is easily improved with good communication.

Do you have a marriage quote or two that you particularly like? Feel free to let us know in the comment section below.

• If your marriage counselor lets both of you complain on and on about each other, you're not going to end up with a great result. If the marriage counselor does not know what lies at the bottom of criticism, then the critical thoughts and comments will continue, even after the marriage counseling is "completed."
  
  
• If your marriage counselor EVER takes sides, this will always produce a non-optimum result.


• If your marriage counselor ends a marriage counseling session and either of you are upset,  this is not only poor form and unprofessional, it will have a negative impact on the marriage counseling process.
  
  
• If your marriage counselor is all about "compromise," then that's pretty much where you'll end up: having compromised. You won't feel renewed, restored and excited about creating the future with your spouse. Yes, there does need to be some "give and take" in any relationship, but focusing on compromise does NOT get to the root of things.
  

This does not mean all  marriage counseling will result in the marriage staying together. It does mean that marriage counseling should fully restore the communication between husband and wife. What the couple decides to do at that point is up to them. But they are making that decision from a very high level of communication with each other.

I'm sorry if I was a bit blunt in letting you know what marriage counselors should and should not be able to do, but I'm familiar with what REALLY EXCEPTIONAL marriage counselors can accomplish. 

Exceptional marriage counselors never take sides.

They do not let the spouses criticize the daylights out of each other.

Their main focus is getting to the SOURCE of the marital difficulties and not on compromise.

Exceptional marriage counselors never end a session when one or both spouses are upset. There is no: "I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Jones, your hour is up."

Here is the most important thing about exceptional marriage counselors: They know they can fully restore the communication between husband and wife. And they have total certainty they can achieve that result.

Well, there you go. I hope that helps. I know it sets the standard very high. But a marriage and a family are extremely important and should be addressed with a very high level of expertise.

If you'd like some phone counseling (at no charge), click here.

Hello! I have a six year old daughter who is very smart, independent and beautiful. She is also spoiled and disrespectful. Today I received an email from her teacher informing me that my daughter had said something VERY disrespectful to her in front of the class. She's only in first grade.

I've had these talks with her, but it seems like she doesn't GET what respect is. Her father and I (all in the same house) don't treat each other disrespectfully, and I don't feel like we treat her disrespectfully. I do feel like my conversations with her are superficial, and she will barely listen to me long enough for me to get my point out. Like I said, disrespectful.

How can I make our communication more effective? She isn't all that reluctant to share things with me, although she is sketchy on the details. Thank you for your attention. I'm just looking to elaborate on your blog about being out of communication. Have a good weekend!

She was referring to an earlier post: How Did My Child Get So Disrespectful.

In this post I promised to provide specific tools that would help parents increase the flow of respect and communication between parent and child. This post will provide a very effective tool to accomplish this. It comes from the works of L. Ron Hubbard:

"Set aside a time during the day when the child can do anything he desires which doesn’t hurt animals or property. If he wants you around during this time, which you can begin to call ‘Billy’s time,’ fine. Spend the hour or two with him and do whatever he asks you to do, within reason of course. After the novelty wears off he will begin to use ‘his’ time to ask you questions about the world around him, questions which you should answer very carefully and accurately, no matter what the subject might be. It would be very unfair to say, in answer to an innocent question about sex for instance, ‘Now let’s don’t talk about nasty things like that.’ Answer him simply and fully, and with an absolute minimum of stammering and blushing on your part.

“Sometimes the child will want to spend ‘his’ time being held on your lap, and the special case might even want a bottle. Don’t tell him this is childish, and that he has outgrown such pursuits. Give him the bottle and hold him on your lap until he tires of this.

“Perhaps he will want to dramatize [act out] family difficulties, such as a recent argument between his parents. Fine. Go over it with him just as he desires. This will often be beneficial for the child and the parent. When the child becomes assured that there are no strings attached to your offer of ‘his’ time, he will take full advantage of the opportunity to go over many details which have hurt him, and once returned to in this fashion, they will seldom bother him again.

“Then, after a few periods spent in this way, ask if there is anything he wants to know, or anything he wants to talk about. Allow his dignity and enormous self-determinism to assert itself. Coax him to explain things to you, in his own language. When he runs across something which troubles him for a meaning, he will ask you, if you have gained his confidence. Sometimes when the child asks you a question which you are sure he should have known for some time, feed it back to him as another question, asking him what he thinks about it. This is often what the child really wants, and is only using the question as a means of opening discussion on the subject."

My wife and I applied this to our daughter, Chelsea, when she was six years old. She was elated when she heard she could have an entire hour of her "own time." We told she could do anything she wanted (as long as we didn't have to pay for anything during that time).

Chelsea was certain what she wanted: trips to Toys R Us! Several days in a row, she took us to her favorite store and marched us down one aisle after another. She showed us dozens of different toys that she thought were neat. Her mom stayed with her the entire time, but I got briefly sidetracked looking at some toys on my own! After a couple of strong looks from my wife, I quickly returned to her and Chelsea's side.

On the 3rd or 4th day, while we were driving home from Toys R Us, Chelsea started asking us questions about different areas of life. My wife and I looked at each other almost in disbelief, but sure enough she wanted to know about things she had NEVER asked about before. We treated her with complete respect and didn't give her "dumbed down" answers to her questions. As this question-and-answer session was moving along, I could see our daughter in the rear view mirror thinking things over.

We continued to give Chelsea "own time" as much as we could. Ideally, you'd do it every day. If not an hour, then maybe half an hour. What if you have four kids and each one wants their own time? Well, I'd give two kids half an hour each day and the next day another two would get half an hour each. Some kind of plan can be put together that will be fair to all of the kids.

After we did this for awhile with our daughter, we noticed two major changes. She was much calmer and she was in better communication with us.I would surmise kids at various ages might have a certain franticness about having the latest toys. After looking and talking about many of those toys for several days, it appears that franticness just kind of disappeared.

Another important observation: Our daughter had complete control of what was done during this hour. It was "her time" and she was able to be very self-determined during this time period. Often kids are put in very controlled environments: do this now; do this here; go to sleep now; go to school now. The more self-determinism your child can present to the world, the better off he/she is going to be.

Last but not least, when you improve the communication with your child, you also improve the level of respect. And so it went!

Give this process a serious try and let me know how it goes!

The first one is:

"Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side." - Zig Ziglar

It took me longer than it should have to REALLY get that my wife and I were on the same side. I recall some of the strange notions I was operating with:

"I need to win this argument no-matter-what."

"If I persist long enough or sulk loudly enough, she'll give in."

"She just doesn't understand how important this is to ME."

There were other strange notions, but let's just say I finally got the idea my wife was not a member of the opposing team. She and I were (and are) on the same team. Sometimes this idea gets lost or diminished. I'm sure there are a variety of reasons this happens, but one simple solution is to just step back and look at our spouse and say: "Hey, we're on the same side. Let's work this out together."

The next marriage quote is:

"There is no remedy for love but to love more." - Goethe

Wow! That one doesn't seem to give much wiggle-room, does it?

When you feel compelled to reduce your affinity for your spouse, take a different tack and increase your affinity. I realize this sounds awfully easy for me to suggest and not so easy to do, but here is a great tool that will help you accomplish this.

When the going gets tough, Goethe is basically saying use MORE affinity, not less.

And the final marriage quote for this post is:

"I got gaps; you got gaps; we fill each other's gaps." - Rocky

Okay, I realize this is from the movie, but I think the quote is great!

Each of us has areas that are not quite yet in perfect working order. In a relationship, we have two basic choices on how to deal with these "gaps":

1. We could focus on how these areas are a problem or


2. We could concentrate on what each of us does well

I am not suggesting we ignore the "gaps." They are what they are. Each of us would like to minimize or eventually get rid of these areas where we feel we're not performing well. In the meantime, Spouse A can help Spouse B (and vice-versa) by filling the gaps.

Rocky definitely tried to fill Adrian's gaps and Adrian was intent on returning the favor.

Something to learn there.

Another version of this is failing to defend your spouse when another criticizes them. For example, let’s say your parents start to criticize your spouse. You have to, at that point, stick up for your spouse. To not do so is to start down a slippery slope. When you said “I do” you agreed to create a team with that person, and you have to defend that person, even if it’s your parents giving them a bad rap. If you don’t, it will begin to drive a wedge between your spouse and your parents.

You have to think of you and your husband or wife as a team. You are working together to create a good measure of survival for the both of you, your kids, and everyone related to the family.

So how do you work well with members of a team? Well, you have to be supportive and positive. This means to consider, think about, and communicate about that person’s best qualities. You want to build them up and make them feel good about themselves.

This doesn’t mean to lie to them and tell them how great they are at something when they aren’t really. And I’m not talking about fake “self-esteem” where you make someone feel great about themselves without any consideration of actual achievement. What I’m saying is that you are supportive of your spouse and make them feel good about the person they are and about the things that they are good at. Protect and defend them against attack.

And they’ll do the same for you. That’s a real team.

In other words, learn to accept your spouse’s faults or quirks. If she burns dinner, that makes it OK that you lost $300 at the casino. If he or she cheats, well, that makes a good number of the other’s faults OK.

An article on Buzzle.com stated “Marriage is all about compromise. Compromise is hard. With or without marriage counseling, married couples need to learn to solve their problems. Counseling can be a place to learn these skills, but should never be the only thing used to save an unhappy marriage.”

But compromising doesn't really restore the love and passion, does it? To be frank, compromising doesn't even restore the enjoyment to a relationship.

I believe that in order to save a marriage that is in trouble, you have to sit down and take a hard look at what your spouse has done to you that was difficult for you to experience or that broke the agreements of the marriage. But you also have to take a serious look at what you have done to your spouse that was difficult for them to experience or that was against the agreements and commitments of the marriage.

It’s a 2-way street. Everybody knows about the Golden Rule, i.e. not doing something to someone else that you wouldn’t want to have done to you. Well those are the things that can wreck a marriage. If you look at it from both ways, it can really have a healing effect.

Let's look at some of the apparent reasons for this:

1. Peer pressure. Kids tend to emulate what the "other" kids are doing so if they observe their friends being disrespectful to their parents, this makes it easier for them to follow suit.


2. Turbulent school environment. If the scene at school is rough and kids are learning not-so-wonderful character traits, this can rub off at home.


3. Parents not around. When both parents work or spend too much time away from home, some children find ways to let their parents know they object to this. Disrespect may certainly be one of these ways.

Each one of the above most certainly can be factors, but let me suggest another possibility:

The parent and the child are OUT of communication with each other.

What does that mean: "out" of communication? It means simply there may be talking going back and forth, but communicating isn't really happening. The child has things on his mind that s/he doesn't want the parents to know or is too embarrassed to tell them. The parents observe conduct that they consider non-optimum and instead of sitting down with the child and discussing this, they get backed off or consider they just don't have the time to do so.

The child may be struggling to understand something about life or upset about something that happened with a friend. The parent who gets in there and finds out these things and is there to gently help the child resolve these concerns is a parent who is instilling respect into the relationship. And this respect goes both ways: from the child to the parent and from the parent to the child.

A vital ingredient in helping your child grow is communication. It cannot be brushed off. To the degree that your conversations with your child are superficial, to that degree your child will go out of harmony with you. You, the parent, are in control of how much harmony and respect there is in your home.

Each of the three factors given above (peer pressure, etc.) may be present in your child's life. But if you and your child are in superb communication, these factors just do not have the same impact they would otherwise.

It is never too late to get into better and better communication with your child. Every step in that direction is a major step in the right direction.

In future posts, we'll discuss ways to bring about this superb communication with your child.

1. You could continue fighting.


2. You could stop fighting and let the upset simmer for awhile (maybe days or weeks).


3. You could both take a walk around the block (each in the opposite direction) until the two of you are extroverted from the upset.

I'm going to recommend Option Number 3.

When two people are very upset, it's difficult to resolve things from that very upset state of mind. If the two of you take a walk around the block, the idea is to walk long enough until you are "extroverted" from the upset. In other words, you've popped out of the upset and you no longer want to strangle your spouse. While on this walk, each of you needs to put your attention on things in your external environment: look at plants, trees, houses, other people, clouds, etc. Put your attention on things outside of you and this will produce an extroversion from the upset. And, as mentioned, each of you goes a different direction on this walk.

When the two of you have successfully completed this walk, you can then sit down and take a fresh look at what's upsetting both of you.

Do not underestimate the effectiveness of this "walk." I can absolutely assure you it will put the two of you in a better position to resolve the upset before it gets too far out of hand (or goes onto the backburner where both of you stay upset for awhile).

In my book, When the Thrill Is Gone, additional procedures are given to resolve marital upsets. There is also an entire chapter to help people get over the loss and upset of a previous relationship that didn't end well.