The Journey of a Navy Wife

A New Chapter in the Journey, a goodbye

2015-10-22T00:36:00.003-04:00

Six years ago I made a decision to create a blog. Previous to, The Journey of a Navy Wife, I would post notes to Myspace and Facebook. Never in a million years did I think anyone read what I had to say. After all, I was rarely politically correct, and nauseously positive most of the time. If you have followed my blog long enough, you know I evidently fart rainbows and poop glitter... according to one cynical critic. While my journey still continues, we've opened a new chapter in our lives, in that same journey. This is the official "goodbye" to "The Journey of a Navy Wife", the blog.

If you are for some reason sad... cry no tears. I will continue blogging about my adventures and most of all, be blogging about my amazing son. He's taught me so much and has inspired me more than anything in this world to be the best I can be. That's where my heart is 100% and I could talk about being his mommy 24/7, that is if he lets me. He's currently on an extended nap strike. :)

The domain, www.journeyofanavywife.com is available to transfer to whomever wants it. The other domain, I will not link (just add 'the' to the beginning of the link above), because google wouldn't give me access to renew it, and I could never get any responses. So.. unfortunately, a less than family-friendly site took it over. I do not advise anyone to visit it, unless you're into Japanese erotica.

Anyhow, This blog will be up a few more days before it will be gone forever. The new site is in the building process as we speak. It'll be all about my journey as a new mom, and my obsession with taking pictures of my son every single day. Poor kid didn't know what he was getting into when he chose a photographer for his mom. ;) I'll also share our NICU journey, what it's like to be a preemie mom, our struggles, our adventures, milestones and more. No worries, if you followed my blog for the military life aspect, that will be there too. We've just added a mini me to the journey.

If you'd like to keep up, "Like" the new facebook page: http://facebook.com/momsgoingtosnap and keep an eye out for when http://www.momsgoingtosnap.com is officially live.

Later Gator!

Our Journey Home

2015-09-30T00:23:00.000-04:00

The last time I updated my blog was June 25 with my letter to my son, Dear Cash William. I was still pregnant and was measuring 34 weeks. Little did I know that shortly after that post, I would meet my little boy. This blog is about our journey home. Trigger warning for Preemie and NICU moms. This will be a long post.

On June 26th, I went to my OB for a followup and to have my blood pressure monitored. First, I had my weight checked. I was shocked to see I had gained nearly 30lbs in less than 2 weeks. I knew I had gained, but never would have imagined so much. My blood pressure was high when first checked. They opted to do a manual blood pressure reading and it read higher. I was sent to labor and delivery in hopes they could get my blood pressure down.

I was at the hospital for several hours being monitored. At first, they had no plans to keep me over night. They were getting my discharge papers for me and sending me home on strict bed rest. Then, as I got up to change out of the hospital gown, my blood pressure jumped to the 180's and I was admitted.

It was a miserable night. Every hour I was woke up for tests and monitoring. I started to have contractions, although I wasn't feeling them. My blood pressure was up and down all night, even when resting. The following afternoon, my doctor came in with the news I had severe preeclampsia. My protein shot up from 45 to 4500 in less than 2 weeks. Then, she told me I was being transferred to a hospital in Fresno that handles high risk, preterm, preeclampsia patients.

I was in the hospital for a few days. The goal was to keep me there, on strict bed-rest, for 2 weeks. Of course, this was totally dependent on my body and how much I could and was willing to push it. I was willing to stick it out far longer than the doctors ended up letting me.

On Monday, June 29th, about 8PM PST, My blood pressure shot up to 188/110 while on medicine to lower my blood pressure. At the same time, my oxygen levels dropped. Both the blood pressure and oxygen monitor alarms went off and 2 nurses ran in. One of the nurses put an oxygen mask on me and as she was doing so, the doctor came in. He told me my liver and kidneys were showing stress and, at that point with my blood pressure jumping and oxygen levels diving, he had no choice. He told me he was going to have to take my baby by emergency c-section and it had to happen as fast as possible. I freaked out because my husband wasn't there. I had sent him home because I was feeling fine. Keyword, was. I asked the doctor if my husband had enough time to make it to the hospital, nearly an hour away. The doctor said, "Tell him to drive fast". My husband walked in as they were rolling me out to the operating room.

Leaving my hospital room and rolling to the operating room, I was scared to death. I was only 32 weeks, said to be measuring 34 weeks. What if he was only 32 weeks? I was terrified. NICU was unavoidable at this point, whether 32 or 34 weeks. I just wanted my little boy to be ok. I wanted to keep him in and let him grow more. But, that wasn't possible. My placenta was attacking my body.

My c-section wasn't pleasant. I had a rough stick with my spinal block and during surgery I could feel more than just pressure. I didn't really hurt, but I could feel pinching and pricks in my abdomen. On top of this, I felt like I couldn't breathe. My son was up in my ribs, so they had to push down to get him out. It's not like they just cut you open and pull the baby out. They push the baby to the hole in your stomach. The worst part of it all, is wondering if he was going to be ok when he came out.

The 5 seconds I got to see my baby
While in the O.R.

When Cash William was pulled from my stomach, I literally felt empty. I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. All I could see was my husband to my left and what looked like a tarp over top of me. I couldn't see what they were doing and worst of all, I couldn't see my baby boy. Then, I heard him cry and I lost it. He was breathing. He was ok. My husband had to calm me down because I was sobbing so hard. The nurse brought him over to show me my baby boy. He was perfect. I didn't get to hold him. Only 5 seconds and he was taken out of the room to NICU. He was only 32 weeks and weighed 3 pounds, 14 ounces and measured 16 inches long.

I was taken to recovery. I wasn't going to get to see my baby boy that night. Once NICU had Cash set up in his room, My husband was able to go in and see him for a bit. I however, didn't get to see him for 2 days. TWO DAYS. It was torture. I was on strict bed-rest due to my blood pressure, the magnesium I was on and intense swelling. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life.

Photo my husband took while
visiting with our son.

Thankfully, my husband went to NICU and sat with Cash. While there, he skyped me. He took tons of pictures for me on his phone too. Not only is it hard not getting to see your baby other than by phone.. It is even harder seeing your baby in an isolette with wires and tubes all over him.

We had no guaranteed timeframe of how much time we were going to be making the NICU our second home. They told us to expect his due date, which wasn't until August 22.. could be earlier, could be later.

The day I finally got to go see my son, my husband took me by wheel chair. I was still having blood pressure issues, severe swelling and was only taking Motrin for pain. Rolling down the hall and seeing the doors for the NICU, I was extremely nervous and scared. Of what? I'm really not sure. None of those feelings existed when I laid eyes on him.

His doctor came by his room immediately when we came in. She said Cash was doing well. He had been taken off of the oxygen at this point, yay! The steroid shots I received before my transfer to Fresno helped him SO much. He was so tiny. His doctor allowed us to do skin to skin and we were able to feed him the colostrum I pumped through a syringe. During his NICU stay, learning to eat was his biggest challenge.

I was discharged from the hospital after a week. The same day I was discharged, Cash was moved to NICU II. I cried. I was happy he was moved a step up.. but tortured by the fact that he no longer had a room and I couldn't stay with him. We stayed until shift change and then we had to make our drive back to Lemoore. I cried walking away, I cried being rolled to the car and cried the entire way home. I felt like I was living a nightmare.

Discharge day!

Every day, my husband and I made the drive to the NICU. Every day for 5 weeks. It was like a roller coaster where you're being drug by your ankles... and I never thought it was going to end.

We had set backs with digestive issues, Jaundice, Aspiration, and the length of time it was taking him to learn to eat. We were literally having to teach him how to eat. The day we were told we'd be discharged, they found a heart murmur and almost didn't release him. Thankfully, he was allowed to come home and we scheduled a follow up for his heart (All is well! He has a narrow valve and it'll either grow with him or he'll grow out of it!).

After NICU we had an ER visit via ambulance with a seizure-like episode. Little man has severe reflux. He still has the digestive issues, so he is off Neosure because it makes his reflux so so so much worse and is only strictly breastmilk.

This is the short version. I wanted to blog sooner, but I was a bit preoccupied. Cash is now 3 months old today! He left NICU weighing 5 pounds, 10 ounces and today, He weighs 10 pounds, 1 ounce! He's classified as a rapid gainer and will likely adjust by 12 months vs the 2 years expected! Woot! Grow Cash grow!

Our journey through pictures:

Dear Cash William

2015-06-25T23:39:00.001-04:00

Dear Cash William,

We are just shy of 34 weeks now. It's crazy to think that very soon, you will be in my arms and no longer in my belly. I'm full of emotions. I am beyond happy and excited, but so very nervous, anxious and terrified.

Your Dad (hehe.. dad.. ) and I and tried so hard over the past several years to become parents. We were blessed with a few pregnancies, but at the time, God must have thought it wasn't the best time. Honestly, we gave up. We were no longer hopeful we'd be parents by a birth from my body. Then, God gave us a miracle, he gave us you. I can't promise you a baby brother or sister in the future, but as you know, God is in control.

The past few months we have had some scares. The doctors didn't know if my body could keep you. Even with all the scares, you've shown just how strong you really are. When I'm not feeling well, and I'm worried.. you give me a kick, a push or a stretch to say, "Hey, I'm still here and we're doing this". Thank you for that. Just like your dad always says, you tell me everything is going to be OK.

You're not even here yet and you've taught me so much already. I have a lot to learn still yet, and I'm so sorry that with you, there will be a lot of trial and error. I promise I'll keep learning and do what I feel is best for you at all times.

I find myself wondering who you're going to look like more. I wonder how much like your 3D pictures you'll really look. Will you have a head full of hair, or be bald until you're 3 like I was? Will you have your dad's nose like it appears in your 3D images? Will you get my creative, need for artsy things or be more athletic like your dad? I hope you get your dad's sense of humor and my need for planning. I hope you get some of the height from your Nana's side of the family and little curls from your dad. Only time will tell.. I know, but my mind never quits. No matter what, you will be you and absolutely perfect.

Being on a temporary bed-rest and feeling you squirming around, I can't help but smile. Even with all the problems with my body, you've remained strong and I've loved every second of carrying you. Now, this isn't me saying I'm ready for you to come out just yet.. I need you to stay as close to your due date as possible. I know the doc says likely around 35 weeks because mommy was made different... but we've come this far, let's see if we can keep going.

Soon Little man, soon you will greet the world and I will be the happiest person on the planet.

Love,
Mom (hehe.. mom.)

A Different Journey

2015-05-11T19:27:00.001-04:00

The past few days I have been cleaning out the room that will become baby boys nursery. Among the items to move out are all the baby items I've hoarded over the years that are not meant for a little boy. I have quite a bit of little girl clothes and even crib bedding in paisley. The truth then set in, and oddly I find that I'm very content.

The truth is, Baby Boy may be our only child to come from my belly. At first, looking at all the adorable little girl clothes, I felt a little sad. But then Baby Boy kicked and I felt absolute calmness and extreme happiness. Fact is, even if I can carry again, we'll be facing the same journey it took to get where we are now with little man. While I'm happy I made it through everything we faced, I really don't want to go through it again, even if in the end there is an absolutely amazing reward. I don't think I can do it mentally nor physically. I'm being blessed with an absolute little miracle right now. God gave me what we've been praying for for 7 years almost. And Baby Boy is our, "Lucky number 7". I think God is pulling us in an alternate direction for baby number 2. He answered our prayers, and now, he's talking another direction for the future.

The topic of adoption has come up many times over the past several years. We had finally become content with that as our only option... but little did we know when we had that last talk, I was already pregnant (God sure does have some oddly perfect timing!). We had the talk while we were out shopping for the foster kids we adopted for Christmas. My heart felt so full (I was super emotional, and now I know that some of that is attributed to pregnancy hormones! LOL). My husband I spoke about fostering and eventually adopting. I was at peace we were on the same page and we had accepted a different journey, then God blessed us even more than we could have ever imagined.

Today, talking with my husband, we agreed to part with all the baby girl stuff we have packed away. We'd rather it go to someone who could use it now, vs it being in space saver bags stored in a plastic bin. We spoke about the realization that Baby Boy may be the last pregnancy. Then, we talked about adopting a baby girl down the road. I honestly think this is the path for us. It's a path we both agree on.

I feel at peace and absolutely beyond blessed. This pregnancy has it's complications, but I was blessed with no real morning sickness and healthy growing boy who gives me little kicks to make me smile throughout the day.

Follow me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/JourneyOfANavyWife

Life since the PCS

2015-05-01T11:25:00.001-04:00

My husband and I have been in California for 7 months, going into our 8th month now. In just this short period of time, SO many things have changed and I've been blessed in so many ways.

As many of you know, I run my own photography studio, Christina Rush Photography. A couple years ago, I had a big project in my mind. The project being working with women and showing their natural beauty. I joined other photography projects catering to women, but nothing fulfilled my idea. Every project seemed to cater to a specific look for women. To fit a project's idea of beauty, they had to be curvy, have a mom body, be fit.. etc. ~~Everything~~ EVERYONE, was labeled by a specific body type. In 2014, after hashing my ideas with a beautiful momma, Jessi, I decided to start putting together a plan and execute it for launch in 2015. I shut down my boudoir site, Just a Little CRush and headed in a wonderfully new direction. In January of 2015, a nationwide project called Raw Beauty Sessions was launched. Thank you Jessi for pushing me to do what I wanted, and what I needed.

Raw Beauty Sessions is on a mission to show all women, they are beautiful, just as they are. No matter a woman's body type, no matter if a woman has what society calls, "Flaws".. all women are beautiful. I'm proud to say that as of May, 1, 2015 we have photographers in 7 states and we are growing! Yeah!

Another awesome growth for me since our PCS to California? My photography newsletter is now sent to more than 40 people. While I don't send newsletters regularly, this is something I'm very proud of. This means people are looking at what I'm doing, and people do enjoy my work. I can't wait to announce a HUGE adventure I'll be taking after our baby boy arrives in a few months.. oh yeah, I still haven't blogged about that either, have I? Man, I'm behind! :D

So, the MOST EXCITING thing to happen in my life since the move and.. well, pretty much ever... We are pregnant! My last posts about doctor visits and seeing where we were heading with our journey to have a baby were actually follow up baby appointments. While there are some scary things going on with this pregnancy and a lot of risks for premature labor, our little boy is healthy and currently thriving at 24 weeks. I feel his movements, his kicks. He there, he's alive and he's ours. We finally got our little miracle I've been praying and begging for for almost 7 years. Almost 7 years, and 6 miscarriages.. He's our lucky number 7.

We'll have more images, better quality, next weekend :)

Life is is so amazing right now.

Working on Answers

2014-12-28T20:30:00.002-05:00

Many of you know my husband and I struggle with holding a pregnancy. We've been to the doctor a few times with no real answers. The entire time (just over 5 years) we lived in Virginia, we had 4 miscarriages. We had 2 others before that. During my medical visits in Virginia, all that was found is that my gallbladder and appendix sit to the side more than they are supposed to; nothing to be concerned with and no affect on me. I also found out that my cervix is tilted, meaning it can be harder for me to get pregnant but no cause for miscarriage. I left Virginia with no answers. Now that we are in California, we are working on answers, clear answers.

My first visit with my doctor on base was a success. I received more answers in that one day than I did the entire time in Virginia with civilian doctors. I found a doctor that seems to truly care about me getting pregnant and it being successful. We did, however, discover the problem, my uterus. Something so easy to discover and noone in Virginia saw it. How, I'm unsure because I could see it on the ultrasound. I have an unfortunate uterine anomaly.

It's not clear how bad the anomaly is at this moment, but I should have more answers within the next week or so. I have an appointment scheduled with radiology to get more clear images. I either have what's called a septate uterus or a bicornate uterus.

A septate uterus is when there is a wedge of fibrous tissue dividing the uterine cavity. Basically like it's pinched. A bicornate uterus is similar but much more severe and not correctable. My doctor said a septate uterus can be helped by "shaving" off the tissue that comes down, separating my uterus. Either of these are believed to be the culprit to my miscarriages.

My doctor believes that I'm getting pregnant fairly easily and each pregnancy has been where it needs to be. However, my uterus isn't allowing the correct process. When I get pregnant, there are a couple things that are likely happening:

The egg is attaching to the fibrous tissue instead of my uterine wall.
The egg is attaching to the uterine wall, but the placenta is being cut off by the fibrous tissue.

both causing early first trimester miscarriage. She said it is not impossible for me to hold a pregnancy, but it will be me continually trying and going through what I already have until things land where they are supposed to and my body doesn't work against me. Even with insemination, the risk is all the same.

We also found out that I have a complex cyst on my right ovary. Thankfully, not likely anything to worry about, but we'll have more information on that after my appointment with radiology.

So, we have a lot to think about, but there is so much relief just getting some answers. I'll keep posting as we continue down this journey.

PCS-ing is for The Birds

2014-09-17T14:38:00.001-04:00

Over the past 6 years, I have heard so many military wives say, "everything breaks/happens during a deployment". I have agreed with this to an extent. It always seemed like there was a couple weeks during my husband's deployment where everything went wrong on the home front. Now, I believe it's more of a, "everything happens when preparing for a PCS" [insert grumble here]. PCS-ing is for the birds!

As a military family, having 2 vehicles is both a blessing and a pain in the rear. We are preparing to move 44 hours across the country, and we had to make a decision. Do we, a. Sell one of the vehicles, b. pay $2000 to ship a vehicle or c. Drive two vehicles the 44 hours. Selling wasn't an option I allowed because we just put a ton of work ($$) into my husband's truck, which is paid off. We can't/ won't do two car payments. Selling was off the table. For weeks (2-3 months really) I looked for a reputable vehicle shipping company. All I could find was brokers and none of which could guarantee a driver by any particular time, yet wanted their money or you to sign a contract. A week before our move date, I found someone who had dates, but the truck was full and I would be a "standby". I needed the security of knowing for sure, so that was not an option. Another company wouldn't be able to pick up our vehicle from Virginia until we've been in Lemoore for almost a month, so again, not an option. Here we are now, 3 days before we've schedule our leave date and looks like we are driving 2 vehicles. We have come to terms with it and are content with it. Well, that was true until this morning really. Today was another whole set of crazy.

This morning, our neighbor took our truck. He's a mechanic and was going to do an oil change and make sure everything is good for the long drive. I do t want to get 3 states into our drive and break down. That would be terrifying to me. On his way to his shop, in our truck, our neighbor rear ended another driver. The other driver slammed on her breaks and came to a complete stop when another vehicle crossed a lane of traffic, cutting her off to get on the interstate. She locked up her breaks and so did my neighbor, but he slid right into her. There is more damage to our truck than the gal he hit, but the insurance won't fix our vehicle because it's ruled his fault and liability only covers the other person. The bumper is busted, but aside from that, the truck is driving and running fine. No one was hurt, that's the most important thing about all this. Now, 3 days until we start our new adventure and we have to worry about the truck. Our neighbor, being a mechanic at a body shop, he's able to fix everything, if anything more is wrong with the truck than the bumper. He's getting the bumper replaced before we head out. If anything else is wrong, we may have to out out our date to leave a few days, which is pretty much not doable since we only have 10 days to get out to California.

And to top off today, my job forgot to enter my leave I was granted for my transfer and I'm short a week's pay. They are working on it, but if may have to wait until next pay period to see it back, which isn't feasible.

There's been so much to go on in the past 2 months prepping for the PCS that I just want a day to not have to do absolutely anything and nothing to stress about.

Finger's crossed our Norfolk home sells quickly to a family that will love it as much as we have over the years.

Your 9-11 is their 24-7

2014-09-11T12:24:00.001-04:00

This morning I found myself complaining, irritated and just annoyed. Yesterday the movers came and loaded up our goods and went on their way. While walking around our empty home, I found the movers had scratched our newly refinished floors in several places. I was irritated to say the least.

While I have every right to be upset, it's fixable. My floors can come back to life and be what they were just a couple days ago. It means more work for me, but it's something that can be repaired.

During my little temper tantrum this morning, I realized what today's date is. I was reminded of the horrible day more than 10 years ago. So many people lost their lives, lost a loved one and so many suffer from PTSD from the events of that morning. And here I was, complaining about a scratch on my flooring.

While I didn't lose a loved one that day, it's a day that greatly affected me, even at just being 14 years old and a freshman in high school when 9-11 happened. I still remember all the emotions I felt that day. Though I remember reverything, September 11, 2001 no longer is an every day thought for me. It no longer knowingly affects my day-to-day life. That saddens me. I don't want one day a year to come around and it be the only time that I reflect on what it did to the nation.

I'm given the opportunity to carry on every day normally when there are people whose lives were forever changed. There are people who wake up thinking about the events and the people lost. My first thought this morning was about my floors and wondering if my husband made coffee. While I can say that 9-11 forever changed me, it is not entirely true. I know this is true for many if not most Americans. We've went back to our set ways and it no longer affects our day-to-day lives.

Like Pearl Harbor, one day many people will only remember the date because it is printed on most calendars and in history books. To most, it will be just 9-11, but to some, it will be their 24-7.

Let's take today to reflect, but let us not forget tomorrow.

Home is where the Navy sends us

2014-08-26T22:15:00.001-04:00

Have I ever mentioned how much of a love/hate relationship I have with moving? It's a viscous cycle for me.

We have been lucky to stay put in one area for the past 5 years. Although, we have lived in 4 different homes since being here, we've been lucky to not have to PCS to another location. Lucky because Norfolk is only 13 hours from home. We knew his orders were coming, but we didn't expect all the craziness. Well, I didn't expect all the craziness.

November 2012 my husband was told he was going on shore duty early since the USS Enterprise was being decommissioned and he had less than a year on Sea Duty. At that point, most of his rate and rank were being sent to Fallon, Nevada for shore duty. We waited and waited. He finally received orders and it was for continued sea duty with VFA-135 Knighthawks out of Oceana. He was going from Ship's company to Squadron starting July 2013. Thankfully, that meant we were not going to be moving for a little bit longer. It also meant we were still waiting for his orders.

My husband picked his "Dream sheet" for shore duty before November 2013. He was told he would hear something before Mid January. Of course, everything is last minute. He received hard copy orders to Lemoore, California and was to report in July 2014.

Come May, there was a hold up on his orders. His orders were going to change, but at that time the report date remained the same. Which was scary because that's a short notice and we have a lot to take care of in Virginia with our home and my job. We had no idea where the Navy was going to send him, and where our family would be going. We didn't hear anything back on his orders until June, just a few weeks before we had originally planned to head out of Virginia. The orders had changed some, but remained for Lemoore. There were some issues with the class he was required to take which caused his orders to be pushed back. At last minute, he was told to report in September. It was relief and headache at the same time. Relief because we had more time to prepare things here, headache because I was forced to hold out on our house hunting again.

We cannot get base housing because we 1 pet over the limit for housing as well as my American Pit Bull Terrier. Also, the BAH rates for Lemoore dropped and everything that would suit our needs was as the previous max BAH. If we happened to find something suitable, they couldn't hold it until we needed it. It was just too much stress on me and my husband. With my unidentified heart condition, I didn't need stress making it come up again. I've went nearly 2 years without issue, and I'd like to continue this path since the doctors haven't found cause (not stress, no heart defect found, not asthma, not my thyroid.. etc). Anyway! Thankfully we found an amazing Realtor named Brianne who was an absolute Godsend. She helped us find what I feel will be the perfect home for my family. We purchased a home 44 hours away. Scary? Yeah, a little bit! Brianne went above and beyond for us. I cannot wait to get into our new home.

The downside? We still have our house in Norfolk to deal with. We go back and forth about renting or selling. Being that we have less than a month until we move, it looks like we're going to rent it out. We've done so many projects in our home and are completing a couple others, it'll be perfect for whomever moves in. I'm sad though. Our Norfolk home is our first home together. We've grown a lot as husband and wife as well as individuals here. We've also put a lot of work into our cozy little home. I want to take my floors with me. I seriously would if it were possible. So, if anyone is looking for a home to rent starting October 1st, get in touch with me ;)

Our movers come on September 9th. So, we'll be going about 2 weeks with no HHGs (household goods). My husband has school until the 19th and we'll head out the 20th. It's sneaking up on us really fast. I'm so full of mixed emotions. I'm super excited about the new adventures and change of pace.. AND no more tunnels. I'd love it if I never had to see another tunnel again! Nervous because I fear change and stressed because I have so much to accomplish in such a short amount of time.

We have right at 10 days to be in Lemoore and ready to work- both of us. My husband says we can make it in 3 days, I'm betting it'll be more like 4 1/2 days. We'll see who wins this challenge.

The Relationship with this Blog is Complicated

2014-05-27T15:46:00.002-04:00

Seriously.

I haven't blogged in months. I haven't felt like blogging. I haven't wanted to blog. I have had no motivation and I have had nothing pop in my head or give me inspiration for one of my typically opinionated posts. I have tried to get myself motivated, but due to an upcoming move and my insanely busy schedule, blogging hasn't been a priority. My relationship with this blog is Complicated. Finally, I have inspiration.

I'm one of those people, when I have an opinion or thought, I share it. I'm an open book when it comes to what I post on Facebook, my blog and my blog fan page. Anyone who knows me, knows this. I'm "Politically incorrect" with most of my beliefs. I'm honest, brutally. Because of this, I tend to hear the word, "judgmental" often.

For starters, what is the difference between being judgmental and opinionated?
It seems there is a thin line, HOWEVER, an opinion is a thought in general. Something you base for yourself, or don't seem to see another way on. Everyone has an opinion on something. The biggest things I see opinions on are:

Abortion
Gay Marriage
Death Penalty
Breastfeeding
etc.

Just because you're for or against these or other things, doesn't make you judgmental. You can think they are wrong and not be judging someone who does or doesn't fit into your opinion on it.
For instance, I'm against abortion and can't see how someone can take an innocent life. I know people who have done it, I'm friends with them. I don't agree with them, I have an opinion on the act, but I'm not judging them for their decision. Just one example. Big or small, everyone has an opinion.

This week I have seen multiple, "It's complicated" relationship statuses. After seeing yet another one today, I can't get clarity on why it's a relationship title. I mean, do you introduce your relationship as, "It's complicated".

"Hey! Meet Joe. He is my complicated boyfriend.", "Everyone, I'd like to introduce Anna. She and I are in a complicated relationship". You're either in the relationship or your not.

So, should we all change our relationship statuses to complicated, because aren't all relationships complicated?

All relationships are complicated. Relationships are two people working together as one. Two people who have differing opinions on some things. Big or small, every relationship hits some sort of complication at some point. It is the work each person puts into the relationship that makes it strong enough to withstand the complications life throws at them. "Complicated" should never be a relationship status. People are complicated, decisions, life, men, school, work, etc.. those can be complicated, but those are some times every day things.

I feel like those relationship statuses are sometimes a cry for attention, or begging for acknowledgement they aren't to blame for the troubles within the relationship. I think one party may feel as if the relationship is failing or is going to fail. I wonder if it means the one person isn't trying to fight for the relationship or that it is being posted for a wake-up call to the other. I don't know, because I don't know the reasoning behind it. Honestly, it's not my place to know and I'm ok with it. However, I don't have to agree with, "Complicated".

In my opinion, it's silly. I don't think any less of the person who posts it. I do, however, roll my eyes. I don't agree with it. That's ok.

I like peanut butter, banana and marshmallow creme sandwiches and you think it's disgusting. It's ok. I'm not going to judge you and think you are crazy. I may think it's crazy that you don't like it, but I'm not going to put our relationship in a complicated status over it.

"You're Going Against God's Will"

2013-11-24T19:47:00.001-05:00

Through mine and my husbands marriage, we've had many many people ask, "Do you have children?", "Why don't you have any children?", "Are you planning to have children?", etc.
Typically I can brush it off unaffected, but deep down it stings. It stings because many people don't know we struggle with holding a pregnancy.

This evening, I read a comment on a post to a popular blog that really got under my skin and raised my blood pressure a little bit. To someone who didn't have or maybe even want children, someone posted something along the lines of, "You're going against God's will", and another comment of, "Someone didn't get the memo of planting seeds and procreating".

To those people who said that, to those people who think that... here's a big middle finger to you.

It angers me so much that I can't think clearly on what to write or put into words everything flooding my mind. It takes me back several years ago when someone commented on my blog with, "Maybe God doesn't want you to have a child.", followed by, "Maybe God thinks you will take a child for granted.". All those emotions... all the anger is surfacing again.

I believe God has a plan for everyone. And I am 100% positive it isn't going against God's will if you don't have children. Some of us don't even have the option, Why? Because right now, God has a different plan for us- whether it be to wait, adopt, foster, etc. It's no place for you to belittle nor place judgement of someone who chooses not to, who chooses to wait or can't.

I may be over reacting, I may be just a little touchy on the matter.. but if you have been through what I have even once, you understand what I'm feeling reading that.

Learning to Hit the Curve

2013-11-04T22:01:00.002-05:00

Browsing Facebook today made me realize it has been one year since this most recent deployment ended. Now, I find myself looking back on all the events of the past year. Needless to say, it has been a crazy year.

There have been a lot of good times, but there has been many hard times.

When you get married, you think about your happily ever after and want everything to be perfect. Well, life throws curve balls and sometimes you feel like you are continuously striking out.

You know when he comes home from deployment there will be an adjustment period. You go through the lovey-dovey phase, then the cramped phase with a little bickering, and then it all levels out. At least, this is what I expected this go 'round; these were the phases we went through every other time.

It's been a hard year, but I'm learning how to hit this damn curve ball.

I knew my husband had a dependency on alcohol early on into our marriage, maybe even before we were married. For the most part before this recent deployment I ignored it. Maybe not ignored it, but I kept telling myself it was a phase he'd grow out of. I was lying to myself, and he was lying to himself when he said he didn't have a problem.

Deployment 2012, my husband came home with a full blown addiction to alcohol. For at least 2 weeks after he came home, I never saw him sober. I'd come home from work to him drunk and I'd wake up in the morning to him still buzzed. Alcohol controlled my marriage. Honestly, I look back and think, "How did I get through those 2 months after deployment?". By far, being married to someone who has an addiction is the most challenging thing I have ever had to face. I never want to live those days over.

I'm still swinging.

As much as some days have made me want to throw my bat down and give up, I'm no quitter. Do I deserve some of the stuff I've been through this past year? Of course not. But, it's a challenge I accept because I know who my husband is and I know my husband is not defined by alcohol. Our marriage is not defined by alcohol. He is a better person for all this year has put us through. I am a stronger person. I feel this has taught us it's going to take a lot more to break us.

We are still learning how to deal with everything. Every swing, we get a little closer to getting a solid hit on life's big curves.

No one can prepare you for what life is going to throw at you. You just have to keep swinging.

Photo captured by Cocoa Bean Photography,
USS Enterprise homecoming November 4, 2012

Change of Pace

2013-09-22T18:29:00.003-04:00

As many of you know, my journey has been a little on the chaotic side for about a year now. It seems most of 2013 has been full of challenge after challenge. Needless to say, I'm counting down to 2014 (about 100 days!) and to what I'm going to make a much better year.

My husband met his new command in July. We are still adjusting to the change of pace- but as you know with military life, once you're adjusted, something changes again. Squadron life for him, and even for me as his spouse is much different... and I like it. It's quiet. With the exception of 2-3 guys in his shop, everyone is single, so I haven't met anyone in his shop. He went in and in introduction put it out there that he is a recovering alcoholic and he said it really seems like everyone respects his decision. Occasionally they ask questions, but it's never pressuring him to drink, drinking around him, asking him to be a designated driver, or telling him they don't think he has a drinking problem. That's the biggest change I've noticed, and he has too. He's happier because the people around him respect his choices.

I haven't reached out to the FRG, and do not plan to at this point. I've received mail from FRG and it said something about consider running for an FRG position (assuming this was a general letter sent out to everyone), but my husband and I laughed and said no. I don't have time even if I wanted to right now between working at my "day job" and running my photography business, I don't sleep as it is.

We've been in Virginia for just over 4 years now. Even though we aren't moving for this new set of orders, and he was just sent him to a different base here, it's a noticeable change from an Aircraft carrier to a Squadron. I think I like it more than he does, but that's only because He works more and harder now than while he was with the Big E during the starting of the decommissioning.

The orders he received are only temporary. He'll be picking again soon for shore duty. We're unsure where it will take him for his job and us as a family. He looked at the options recently and if the options don't change, we'll be heading to Keywest, Cali or Japan. I can already tell you now, Japan won't be chosen by him because we made an agreement before he joined, that as long as Roo is alive, if he has to go overseas, we would geo-bachelor and I would stay here with our Dog-ter. It's complicated moving with a pit bull (banned in housing, some cities, etc), but we took on the responsibility to raise her, and she's not something we will just give away. It's a hard decision, but it was something we decided before he enlisted.

Friday, September 27th, we will be celebrating our 5 year anniversary. It's insane how fast time goes. This 5 years is proof that marriages can work if you work together and work on communication.

Send My Service Member a Care Package- Winner!

2013-09-02T18:20:00.001-04:00

****UPDATED WINNER DUE TO NO RESPONSE****

Thank you to everyone who entered the Care Package giveaway. There were nearly 400 entries when the giveaway ended on August 31st. However, when going through the entries, I realized that there were a lot of false entries and after removing all of the entries of which were not legit, there were just under 300. I was sad at first, but now that I think about it, removing those who cheated, gave a greater chance for those who entered correctly to win. There's always a positive in every negative situation.

My husband and I made a trip out Sunday to buy a few things for the Care Package yesterday. So far, there are a lot of fun goodies and snacks to send. And, My husband has been begging to play with a few of the fun kid stuff we got and I caught him sneaking a couple of the snacks.. so Looks like I'll have to make another trip out, without him, and I'll be sure to hide the stuff from him this time. Men, they are always big kids. Be a Kid Again Box, Perfect theme right? Thought so.

Any who..

We have a NEW winner :D

~~Kristin~~ ANDREA, I have contacted you about where to send the box as well as give you the option to type a note I can print for your Service member. :)

My husband and I had fun shopping for care package stuff. SO, we've decided we'll be doing another in the near future. Maybe football? hmm...

Oh the options.

When I complete the box this week, and get it sent, I will blog the box as well as add it to the Care Package list.

Congratulations ~~Kristin~~ ANDREA! I hope your service member enjoys the "Be A Kid Again" box as much as my husband and his division did.

Heart Strings

2013-08-22T11:18:00.002-04:00

Image from http://www.smittenby.net

Lately, the thought of adoption has been tugging at my heart strings a little bit. When I was 16, I always said I didn't want to have kids of my own, I only wanted to adopt. As I grew older, my want to adopt never changed, but the want to become pregnant and carry weighs heavy on my heart.

My husband wants children and wants to try without adopting first. After 5 years of marriage, and 6 miscarriages faced in the time we've been together, I feel like something is telling me maybe adopting is what I'm supposed to do.

With every miscarriage, there has always been someone to say, "Maybe now is not the right time". But there is never a wrong time, in my opinion. To bring a baby into the world when 2 people want it so badly and without a shadow of a doubt, would provide the best life they possibly could for the child, and love the child more than anything in the world... what's wrong with that?

Yes, the past year has been hell trying to help my husband fight his addiction and yes, there's a long road ahead of us. But the addiction is something he will have to battle for the rest of his life, it is a disease you learn to work through. You are never cured. But it does get easier to manage and live with.

I start thinking about how amazing adopting would be. I think of how scary it would be and, unfortunately, how much it would cost us. But any amount of money would be worth it to me to give a child a loving home, and fill the hole in mine and my husband's hearts. I've been doing research and I'm finding some assistance, thankfully.

I found the military will give $2000 in adoption assistance, of course, there are rules to it- ones I would be more than happy to adhere to. I also found out that my job gives up to $5000 in assistance. Knowing this, pushes me more toward it; I feel like it is more of something telling me this is what I'm supposed to do.

Within the past year, I was accepted into the Red Thread Sessions program as a volunteer to photograph newly adopting families. It was always a program I admired, and had so much respect for. It's something I feel strongly about. The more photographs I see from Red Thread Sessions, my heart just fills. I've grown a passion for adopting. Again, something feeding my want to adopt.

Early in July, I found out I was pregnant. With my past history of miscarriages, I was terrified and I made a doctor's appointment for the 1st available date. A few days went by and I went to the doctor, where they did a blood test to confirm pregnancy, and wouldn't know the results until the next day. My worry increased with my results. The nurse who called with my results said, "Your HCG levels are not high enough for us to medically consider you pregnant. It could be extremely early in your pregnancy, but we need to wait a few days and see if you start your cycle.". In other words, "You may be pregnant and everything is ok, just early, or you are losing your baby". July 15th, is the day I started to miscarry and July 16th, my miscarriage was confirmed. I was 5-6 weeks along. I feel anxiety just thinking about it. Each one has affected me differently both emotionally and physically. While I'm hurt and absolutely heart broken, I feel a sense of calmness. The week of my miscarriage, I had dreams. Each dream was happy, and about baby #6. Out of all my miscarriages, never once did I have a sense of the gender of the baby, but for some reason, I new 6 was a girl, and she had her daddy's blue eyes, and my dimples. Whether that would be true or not, It comforts me to think it.

The story doesn't really relate to adoption, but it's one of those things that keeps me divided on my decision. Adopt, or keep trying and possibly face more heart break. I was only a few weeks into my pregnancy, and I already had such a strong sense of connection to my child. I worry with adoption, would I have that same connection? One can hope so, but it is something I completely fight with myself over and I believe my husband does as well. What if we adopt and eventually are able to have a biological child, would the connection or feelings be different? I know it might sound silly, or I might be looked at badly for even asking such questions, but it's a very real worry for me. I know without a shadow of a doubt I'd love the child, and the child would be mine. But I can't help but wonder, would the feelings be slightly different? When talking with people about adopting, of course people with no knowledge of what it's like with an adopted child, they've always commented it wouldn't be the same.

I know I over think things. It's just how I am. But with such a huge decision, I need to know what to expect.

Ever want something so bad, but the what ifs keep you held back? I feel like that's where I'm at right now.

Send a Care Package to My Service Member!

2013-08-06T12:57:00.000-04:00

***UPDATE*** If the giveaway reaches 1,000 entries, 2 people will win their service member a care package!

I've been MIA for a while now. There have been lots of changes over the past couple months and I've been so busy I haven't had much time for blogging. Any time I have spent on the computer, was spent editing and answering email regarding my photography business. Sometimes it is nice to step back and take a break from your "normal". You can then remember why you (well for me) loved writing so much, why you started this blog, your goals and the positives. Ah, the positives, my blog has been rather negative lately.

So, to get back to where I need and want to be, I have decided to offer a giveaway.

I've become known, among my friends and many people I don't know, for my crazy-fun care packages. I've been known to drop a pretty penny on making my care packages (ahem, Zombie box...). I have documented some of my favorites and blogged about them, but there are many I never even spoke of, and never snapped a photo of. If I could go back, I'd document them all.

One of my favorites, as well as my husband's division, was a Be a Kid again box. I didn't get one photo from the making of that box.

SO, I have decided to put together a giveaway and the winner's deployed service member will receive a Be a Kid Again box from me! :D

Shhh... don't tell my husband. He will be jealous.

Inside you will find fun little things that remind me of my childhood. No worries, if your service member is a male, He won't receive a barbie ;)
Everything in the box will be small, fun and likely have his or her division/ command/ troop.. whatever, playing with it too. I might include some snacks too ;)

And of course, I'll stick with my usual- Duct tape and Paint Pens to decorate. A Journey of a Navy Wife care package wouldn't be the same without it.

The Giveaway will end on August 31st at 1159AM Eastern time.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Never Say Never

2013-05-06T21:22:00.001-04:00

The past few months have been challenging and crazy to say the least. So many changes and adjustments have been made and are still being made. I never saw myself going through this.

Crazy enough, I feel like I'd rather deal with another back to back deployment vs. his alcohol addiction. I guess because during deployment I didn't have to deal with it; before this most recent deployment his addiction was tolerable.

I always said I'd never be married or stay with someone who has an addiction; Never say never, right? Looking back, I felt like I was very judgmental because I hadn't the slightest clue what it was like or the emotions involved. I was young, dumb and knew nothing about love or truly helping someone. Now, I'm the one feeling judged.

The judgments no longer bother me so much. My husband, however, feels like everyone he knows judges him. He even feels as if I judge him. Because of this, he bottles everything up, which recently caused a relapse, a moment very scary for me (I'm sure for him too). It is emotionally draining. I just wish he'd see we all support him. I knew at some point it could/ would happen, I just never saw it coming this soon.

He wants to stop. He feels it controls him and he feels alone. I don't understand the nightmare from his point of view, I doubt I ever can nor do I want to fully (assuming I'd have to be where he is to "get it"). Because I don't understand it from his perspective, he isn't able (feels like he can't) talk to me. He's too shy to speak up at meetings, but he said he's getting better about talking one-on-one before and after the meetings.

When he's around people, he has the want to be better and feels like he has something to prove; The urge isn't there. When I'm at work and he's home alone, he wants to drink. He needs his mind distracted at all times. He worries he'll never get better some days. He fights this evil within him that continually says, "Go buy a drink".

I wake up every.single.day worried for relapse. It's not about trust, because I do trust him, but it's a constant battle and will be for the rest of our lives. A never-ending nightmare.

Through all of this, even though many days I feel alone, I'm finding this is very common and unfortunate with so many service members or their family. Sometimes the issue starts before the military (like with my husband) or after they join with all the stress the military life can bring. I feel like alcohol abuse is a huge epidemic in our country and is somehow being made acceptable. It shouldn't be. I don't want to say I'm anti-alcohol.. hell, I'll say it.. I'm anti-alcohol. Alcohol is a drug, it's addictive, very. My Uncle who died when I was 7-8 years old, people in my family and my husband are proof that it is addictive and is a constant battle to fight with once addicted. Thankfully, I have never cared for alcohol and for some reason I feel as if God had this in the books for me all along. I've lost too many important people in my life because of alcohol, I'm here to help heal my husband.

My husband started to drink socially. It would bring him out of his box; he wasn't shy with it. Alcohol would relax him. His problems didn't seem like problems when he'd drink, but little did he realize they only intensified his problems and sometimes made him a very angry and mean drunk. He honestly felt like alcohol was the only thing that understood him at times. He didn't see how a drink could affect his mood for days- sober. Unfortunately, My husband is not alone in this.

I read a letter he wrote to alcohol in Rehab. It put my stomach in knots. I didn't understand the relationship he had with different beers and liquors. It was honestly like they were his best friends. I honestly can't explain how his letter was written or even how it affected me. It was scary. Then, I read the letter he wrote to me in rehab (these for assignments, not intended for me). I cried. The events of Christmas Eve scared him so much. I honestly didn't know exactly how that night made him feel until I read the letter. It was exactly what I've been needing him to say to me, but he isn't able to talk about things yet and may not ever be able to.

Point is, If you're going through this, you're not alone. Don't be afraid to be judged because it feels so much better when you're able to talk about everything. YOU'RE NOT ALONE. Repeat that to yourself every single day. Find someone who understands and talk to them. If you're like me and my husband, find someone you don't know well and talk to them. Trust me, it helps. I've been talking to several readers of this blog through email, Facebook as well as connecting with people on Instagram and Twitter to talk to. Talk about it. Please don't bottle it up.

Worthy as Our Daughters- My Military Mom

2013-04-29T16:00:00.001-04:00

The other day I was talking to a good friend. Someone whom she trusted had taken had convinced her to do something against her better judgment. She would have never done it on her own but he knew which buttons to push and leveraged the situation to his advantage.

My friend was angry with him but also, and perhaps more, upset with herself. I couldn't see where she could find fault in herself. He had known so much about her and had been a trusted friend for so long that anyone might have made the same choices in her position.

I've noticed that women are more apt than men to take on more of their fair share of blame. It’s sometimes why we stay in emotionally, physically or financially abusive relationships far longer than we should. It’s sometimes why we accept less than we deserve at our jobs and in our families. It’s why women account for most of the self-help book purchases.

“When a woman has a problem, she immediately blames herself” said BJ Gallagher, an author and genders studies expert, in a Forbes’ article.

I do this all the time. There’s a continuous nagging voice lecturing me. “well if you’d only done this better“, or if you had just thought to do that“, or the old standby, “it’s all your fault”.

I’m so fed up with this constant self-flagellation, it’s exhausting and emotionally draining to be constantly turning blame back on myself.

I finally asked myself, what would I tell my daughters if one of them were in my shoes? I would never read to them the script that goes through my own head. If they were in the exact same position as I, I would never assign nearly the same amount of blame to them that I do to myself.

If we women could see ourselves as precious and as wonderful as some of the children we love the most (it doesn't have to be your own daughter) we could free up so much anguish and pain.

So, to my cyber friends, I promise I’ll try to give myself a break if you will too. The next time we start our self-blaming script let’s remember that we are as worthy as our daughters.

Cay Smith writes the blog MyMilitaryMom.com
She is one bad mama-jama Army wife who tells it like it is.
Check her out on:
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Let her know you found her through thejourneyofanavywife.com and be sure to keep coming back as MyMilitaryMom.com will be a regular guest blogger!

thredUP April discount

2013-04-12T23:35:00.002-04:00

Sara, a Navy wife and mother, emailed me an awesome deal for my followers!

In honor of military children this April, thredUP is offering thejourneyofanavywife.com readers with a special 20% discount!
thredUP is an online kid's consignment shop with stylish "like new" items from popular brands like Gymboree, Tea and OshKosh! Prices start at just $3.99!

So, stretch your dollar and stock up with this awesome deal!

Get 20% off your next purchase on thredUP by using promo code: APRILKIDS at checkout.

*Offer is one time use only. Expires 4/30/13. Cannot be combined with any other offer.

Personally, I have not used thredUP, but I will be doing a review with/ of them soon!

Enjoy!

Guest Post- MyMilitaryMom.com

2013-04-04T07:35:00.003-04:00

We can easily lose our independence being married to the military. Our lives, our jobs, our finances and even where we live are suddenly and almost solely dictated by our spouses’ career. Slowly and subconsciously we begin to refer to each other as the wives or husbands of Sgt. So-and-So or Capt. What’s-His-Face. We date major life changes by what duty station we were at when they happened. Even our primary form of identification refers to us as “dependent.”

We can easily fall into a pattern where the people we shop, eat, exercise, live, and hang out with are almost exclusively associated with the military. It begins to seem as though our entire identities, schedules and lives are dictated by the whims of the Pentagon.

I didn't realize this had happened to me until I found myself crying on the floor of my closet on the phone with my mother blubbering, “I could have been somebody!” My wants and needs had been overtaken by those of the Army for so long that I no longer knew what they were.

I did eventually find out who I was within this self-contained world of the military but it took me years. I first tried to stuff myself into it, then I tried to distance myself from it, nothing worked until I realized that I needed to find what made me happy, what made me want to get out of bed in the morning independent of whatever the Army needed or wanted from my family.

Of course, military spouses aren't the only people prone to losing our independence or sense of self but I think we are probably more at risk than almost any other group. It is important that we acknowledge the potential for disaster and find ways to mitigate the problem as early as possible.

I always encourage newbies coming into the military family to immediately find something that is theirs and has absolutely nothing to do with their spouse’s jobs. Learn a new skill or language at every new duty station, pursue a transferable career (real estate is a popular choice), start an online business, or whatever else appeals to their sensibilities; claim something for themselves. Having our own pursuits helps to keep us sane and is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves and our families.

Finding my Identity

2013-04-03T15:38:00.001-04:00

Image credit - Google

Lately, I feel as if the current situation my husband and I are in is identifying myself, my husband and our marriage. There have been tons of struggles over the past few months and now, I'm working on finding my Identity.

Who am I?

You'd think at 26 years old I would be able to answer that easily. But no, I'm wincing as I write this trying to figure it out.

I don't want to be defined by something so negative. "Oh hey, That's the wife of the guy who drank a bottle of Vodka on the ship and drove home and destroyed Christmas."- That's how I feel some people look at me, how some people define me.

I know, I know. I shouldn't care what people think. I have been taught to not worry about what others think of me, but realistically, at some point... I believe we all worry what everyone thinks.

I am smart, but sometimes I don't make great decisions. I am trusting, too trusting at times, but when you break it, it's almost impossible to earn my trust back. I vent through writing and sometimes say things I shouldn't or I post before I really cool off if I'm heated. I wear my heart on my sleeves and I can easily have my feelings hurt. I'm opinionated. When I have a belief, I won't back down. I'm a fighter for the things I love.

... I am a fighter.

I fight for my marriage, I fight for myself. I won't give up.

I. Keep. Going.

That is what I see in myself right now. I will never give up.

Screw what anyone else thinks, even if sometimes it may bother me. I'll keep going, I won't give up and in the end, I'll be better. Maybe then, people will say, "That girl's a fighter".

No

2013-03-18T23:30:00.002-04:00

I received a phone call from my husband. He was told of an assignment he was given and he said he refused to do it. The assignment was stupid and he said no.

The assignment?

He was supposed to call me and say, "I got kicked out of the program". He was then supposed to take my reaction and report back to his group about it.

Thank you SARP, you officially pushed me a step back. You wanted to play a sick and twisted joke with something that ranks high on the list of, "biggest fears"... Yup, up there with killer clowns. Assholes.

Thank God I married a man that wouldn't do that to me. He said he couldn't do that to me, couldn't purposely hurt me or make me cry.

Realistically, that's what would have happened, I would have been hurt, likely a lot of tears and I'd be angry.
Had this of really happened, I would be angry with my husband, severely. I WE need this program to be successful.

Now, I just feel nauseous.
I want off this roller-coaster.

Forward March

2013-03-18T18:18:00.001-04:00

Image Source: google.com via Sally on Pinterest

The response to my last post was amazing. I honestly didn't expect all the comments, messages and emails I received. It goes to show how great of a community the "military family" can be.

To those of you who have wrote to me about being in a similar situation, keep your head up. I completely understand the roller-coaster you're so desperately trying to get off of.

Just know, if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to email me at christina@journeyofanavywife.com. If you are looking for a group to be apart of, see if there is a local Al-Anon group near you. Al-Anon is a group focused on those of us who are affected by someone else's excessive drinking. I also suggest Fleet and Family for those of you whose spouse is Navy or Marine Corps. I have always heard negative reviews about Fleet and Family, but my experience with them is and has been great. It's good to talk about it, and know you're not alone.

This was never part of the "Journey" I saw myself writing about. But you can't change what happened, so you use what you've learned to help someone else and teach yourself to move forward.

Now, we're dealing with the emotions of rehab and what's to come. My husband seems to be doing well with everything. He is definitely ready to be home. Although I am ready for him to be home, I worry of a relapse. I know it is possible. I know I will need to trust him, but that trust is very broken when it comes to alcohol. It's important to talk to your significant other about this too. Although, he will likely already know your trust issues with his drinking.

Because my husband and I know it's going to be hard to adjust again, and I'm building that trust back with him, we've decided to do counseling together when his in-stay rehab is completed. We know trust and communication is going to be key for both of us and we want to continue to bring each other closer through all of the ups and downs of this process.

For those of you struggling, always remember you can not force them to quit. You can wish for it, hope for it and want it so bad you can't stand it, but the only way it is possible is if they want to quit. Only then will any sort of rehab truly be successful. Sadly, it sometimes takes something happening for them to want it.

Someone who is addicted honestly doesn't believe they are. To them, they don't have a problem and could stop if they wanted to. Truthfully, sometimes they can't stop if they want to because they want it all they time, they crave it. It's an addiction. If someone was to call them an alcoholic, it would upset them. With my husband, he'd get his feelings hurt if his friends would even joke about him being an alcoholic. If I mentioned to my husband about his drinking being a problem, he would get defensive and angry.

First step for them is admitting they have a problem, follow that with seeking help.

Many people don't see how it affects the family (spouse, kids, etc). It's emotionally draining. For me, it was like emotional abuse, as in I was just so emotionally beat down from the constant drinking and with it feeling neglected, alone unloved and worthless. Sometimes the drinking would cause my husband to say hurtful things, and even today some things said repeat in my head like a broken record... even though he has absolutely no memory of saying any of it.
This is why it is important for you to have someone to talk to about YOU and how his alcohol abuse is affecting you. It's hard to forgive and talking to someone could get you there, to fully forgive him and build yourself back up.

Keep going. Don't give up. Take baby steps and March on with your head up.

My Husband Has an Addiction: Answered Prayers

2013-03-15T01:31:00.002-04:00

Many have asked where I've been hiding and what's been going on. I've been keeping quiet for a reason because some things are not meant for public judgement.

After talking with my husband tonight, he told me to talk about what's going on. He has come to grips with the truth and ~~he is~~ WE are growing from our situation, together. Every situation can have a positive.

In December, I wrote this:

Trapped
You don't have to be an alcoholic to be trapped by alcohol. I don't even care to drink, ever, and I am trapped. It consumes my life, it is sucking the life out of me.

When you love someone whose life is consumed by alcoholism, you stick by their side. You hope for change; you hope for help. And in the time hoping for some relief, you drag yourself to the bottom with them. You don't even realize you've hit rock bottom until you're there. You don't see a way out and you begin to feel the life you're struggling to make it through day by day is the only one you'll ever know. You can look at the situation from the outside and say you'd leave, but would you? You can't judge unless it is your relationship.

You tell yourself it will get better. You find reasons to hold on to hope. You convenience yourself you need to stay because you feel obligated to help them. You end up blaming yourself, finding reasons as to how or why it is your fault.

You feel trapped.

I've allowed myself to be dragged to the bottom because I love someone so deeply who has an alcohol addiction. I hope this is the bottom, I can't see it getting much worse.

The consequences of his alcohol abuse does and will affect me. My husband is a wonderful man.- Sober. I'm not sure when or how his addiction actually started, I just know it progressively got worse. It was like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde; he was two different people. He would do things, and say things he didn't mean and wouldn't remember them the next morning. He would hide alcohol, and couldn't stop at a limit.

This all does seem to be a wake up call for him. I hope I'm not being naive in thinking it is. He has asked his command for help, and I truly hope he means it and I hope they give it to him.

I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. Yet, I still find myself trying to be positive for him. Honestly, after how I was treated when he was drunk this last time, I should have left. I just can't give up on him. I feel that if I give up on him, I'm giving up on me. I said for better or worse, and this is "for worse". I won't give up on him and turn my back on my marriage. I love him too much to walk away.

Maybe this is God answering my prayers to help him; to help me.

My husband has had issues with Alcohol for quite some time now, for the majority of our relationship, but it was never uncontrollable or more than I could handle. During our most recent deployment, I knew it was becoming worse. He would spend hundreds on Alcohol during port calls, and sometimes be too drunk to get in touch with me. When he came home, it was like a huge port call to him. Drinking was an every day thing, causing lots of tension between he and I. I would work 8 to 10 hours a day and come home to beer bottles everywhere and my husband passed out from drinking too much. Once, I thought he was dead. I was so frantic when he wouldn't wake up and even felt for a pulse, but because I was shaking so badly, I felt nothing. I smacked him, yelling, "Please wake up!". Thank God he woke up.

We decided to stay in Virginia for Christmas. We said we needed the time together. He found out he was going to have Duty on New Years, so rather than taking Christmas leave, he took New Years leave because he wanted to go to a New Years party. This meant he had Duty on Christmas Eve. He had been drinking excessively up to Christmas Eve. He promised he wouldn't drink for Christmas Weekend. He left for duty and wasn't supposed to be home until Christmas morning.

Christmas Eve night, he drove home. He walked in the door and he couldn't walk straight, couldn't look straight and his uniform was ripped. He reeked of liquor. He was so drunk he was convinced he was sober. I was angry, but I refused to show it because I knew it would spark an argument. Drinking and driving is something I'm severely against, and something that really gets under my skin, especially after I lost my best friend in 2008 just after she turned 18.
He could sense I was upset and decided he needed to go back to the ship; He wasn't supposed to have left the ship (nor drink) in the first place. I told him I would take him back and he started to get upset, so I took his keys. He was in no shape to drive and there was no way I was going to let him. Things got ugly from there and eventually, a friend came and took him back to the ship.

Some time during all the chaos, he lost his military ID. By the time he got back to the ship, he had already forgot everything that had happened. He emailed me to ask if I knew where his ID was, after being escorted on the ship. Honestly, I ignored his email.
A few hours later, extremely early into Christmas morning, he emailed again. He had started to sober up and they were telling him what had happened and how much trouble he was in. He was a mess and apologizing. I didn't respond to that email either.

Early the next morning, his Lieutenant called me. He asked how I was and asked about everything that happened at home. He then asked if I wanted my husband home or if I wished for him to remain on the ship. My husband was now sober, I wanted to talk to him, so I gave them permission to release him.

He came home to the mess he created and absolutely lost it. He didn't remember anything, he was just seeing the aftermath and the strain he put between us. He broke down. For several days he just stayed in bed. He wouldn't eat, he'd just sob.

He asked, "Why are you still here? You deserve better.". Yeah, I guess a lot of people would leave. But I know who he really is and he was overcome with a disease called alcoholism. So, I told him the truth, "I love you. When we got married, I said for better or worse. This is a worse. I know you, and when you drink, you are not yourself. I believe in you and I'm not giving up on you. I'm not giving up on us.".

When someone says, "Alcohol brings out the true person someone is" I believe that to be the biggest crock of poo. My husband has many personalities as a drunk and you never know which one you will get. Sober, he has just one and, to me, is one of the greatest men alive.

My husband did get in trouble with the command. And thankfully, because of his hard work and dedication along with his good conduct record up to that point, his punishment wasn't as severe as we had expected. Honestly, we thought he was going to get kicked out. It was the most terrifying thought.
He had to go in front of the disciplinary board on February 12. We didn't know what would happen from there, they said they'd let him know within a few days. The next day, he had to go to the XO and before that found out he would be going to Mast. He was honest with the XO and because of that, the XO said that he would speak with the CO about being lenient.

He wasn't told a Mast date, but Valentine's Day, I came home from work to a dark empty house. Empty as in he wasn't home. Thankfully, I was able to get in touch with a mutual friend from his division and he let me know. His first class was supposed to call me, but to this day.. never heard a word. Thank goodness for the mutual friend to let me know what was going on.

My husband was given a 15 days restriction as well as $850 was taken from this month's pay (youch!). He spent 15 days on the ship, with no contact with me (with the exception of a few emails). Straight from Restriction, he was sent to rehab, where he is currently until the first week of April.

Rehab is for 35 days. I get to see him on Sundays for a few hours. We don't get to talk much at all. He is constantly bouncing around from class to class as well as AA.

Some people have said how strong I am for staying. But I know that some people see me as weak for not leaving. I don't know that either category pertains to me, nor do I care what category I fit into. I do know that the past few months have been hell; stressful, emotional and draining. But I can gladly say there is light at the end of the tunnel.

It's not about being strong or being weak to me. To me, if something's broke, and fixable... fix it. I prayed and prayed for him, for help for him. God answered my prayers. It definitely wasn't what I had in mind when I prayed for help, but God delivers.

Forget the hurrying, just wait

2013-03-04T17:13:00.003-05:00

The last post I wrote about my husband receiving orders was months ago. Well, here we are, March 4, 2013 and he still has yet to receive orders.

Then, I was in panic mode. His chain of command told him he'd be going to shore duty, and he was to report in April. However, they never told him where he'd be reporting to. April was less than 6 months away when he told me he'd be getting orders and as far as we knew, he'd be going to Fallon, Nevada. I didn't know if I needed to start packing, not knowing if I should start preparing to list our home for rent, and not knowing if I should look for a place to rent in NV. I was clueless. I was doing a whole lot of hurrying and even more waiting.

Now, I give up on the when and where. Next month is April and he hasn't heard anything as to if he's even still going to shore duty or when he'll be transferring to anywhere. At this point, if he receives orders to leave next month.. it looks like I'll be hanging back a little bit to get things done and I'll meet him wherever the Navy takes him.

Through all of this, I have definitely learned there is no point in panicking over the waiting for his orders. There's nothing you can say to change them, and there is no point in getting all revved up in hurrying to get things done. Chances are, he could get orders here again.

So, continue on as if he never said, "We could be moving in April". Forget the hurrying, just wait.