MarriedGeeks

But Wait! Have Those Dishes Been Through the Ozoninator?

2010-03-09T03:42:00.001-08:00

Water is a ~~BIG~~ HUMONGOUS issue here in Beijing. There are bad, microscopic things living in it. Things I can’t even pronounce. It’s so bad, even locals boil their water before drinking it. Every website I read while researching our temporary Beijing move warned of the dangers of the tap water. The nurse who did our vaccinations emphasized the importance of using bottled water and of not eating any fruits and vegetables you can’t peel. Other tips gleaned from health professionals and travel websites:

make sure you always get new chopsticks with your meals when dining out (in case the previous user had something you didn’t particularly want to share),
do not get ice in your drinks (in case it came from the dreaded tap water),
make sure your food is served PIPING hot so as to kill any pesky little critters like e.coli living in it (to make sure it hadn’t been sitting around for a long period of time before being served to you).

It seems to me bad water is treated as a nuisance by the locals but nothing to freak out about. So, my new mantra is, “Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out.”

WAIT! Did you just get water in your eye? Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out.

OH MY GOD! Did you just WASH YOUR FACE with tap water? Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out.

EEK! Is the steam from the shower going into my lungs? Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out.

Companies have even created devices to work around the bad water. Things like the ozoninator in our apartment. OK, that’s our nickname for it; technically, it is the “utensil sterilizing cabinet”. I thought it was a dishwasher at first but couldn’t figure out where to put soap or how to turn it on. Then Greg found the apartment’s “Operation Manual”. Turns out this handy little machine sterilizes your dishes AND can even sterilize your fruits and vegetables. It does this through UV light and “ozone”. The description of this unit in the manual says:

“Thru the utilization of ozone and PTC heat circulation, this cabinet dry, sanitize, defrost and keep fresh tableware, fruits and vegetables.”

Hooray! We have something to kill all the germs on our washed dishes! Oh crap! We figured out this handy little fact on our third day here. How many dishes had we washed and used already? *sigh* Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out.

Here’s the ozoninator in action:

So, we learn and move forward. Don’t freak out. Right?! That is exactly the approach I am trying to take as my stress level with this whole water thing gets tested - over and over again. My first real test came yesterday when Emily comes to me, smiling proudly, with her toothbrush in her mouth. She barely got the words out her mouth, “Mommy, I am brushing my teeth!” before I sprang from the bed like a lion on its prey and yanked the toothbrush out of her hands. “Where did you get the water, Emily? WHERE?!” Poor thing didn’t understand; she was doing a good thing, right? “Where, Emily!” She pointed to the cup, the same cup we put bottled water into for our teeth brushing. “But Emily, what water did you put INTO the cup?” Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. Then she pointed to the faucet. THE TAP WATER. FREAK OUT! FREAK OUT! FREAK OUT!

OK, deep breath. It’s too late. I can’t throw her into the ozoninator, so we’ll just have to hope for the best, hope that those Olympic websites that claimed the water was improved prior to the Olympics were accurate and we’ll be in the clear.

My stress with the water quality met its second and third challenges today when we went out to lunch. Chang, an uber kind coworker of Greg’s, showed us some more restaurants in a different mega-mall several blocks from the apartment. It must have been six or eight stories, but Chang insisted it was not big. Can’t wait to see what makes up a big mall around here! We picked a noodle restaurant, and Chang helped translate our order to the waiter. No ice in the kids’ juice, we said. No ice. No “bing”. When their mango juices were delivered, they were in these huge carafes with gigantic straws. AND ICE. We repeated to Chang, no ice please. He called the waiter over, bantered with her in Chinese, and then she scooped the drinks away. I noticed one of the carafes had a memorable chip in it. Moments later the same chip came back to us. No ice this time, but I had to wonder, did they just scoop the ice out? Was it the same juice with bits of melted germy-ice in it? Oooh, and what did they use to scoop it out? Had it gone through an ozoninator? *sigh* The kids drank their juice. Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out.

Next, the waiter brought over our super yummy noodle dishes with reusable chop sticks. Chang dug right into his dish, so I did too. When in Rome… I noticed later that some of the other patrons had been given sets of disposable chopsticks with their lunches. You know, the kind you have to break apart? I asked Chang why we got one type of chopsticks while others got the disposable ones? He just stared at me and shook his head. OK, moving on.

So, in less than a week, we’ve managed to break several food and water rules. It’s hard enough with kids, but throw in the language barriers, and it is an ultimate challenge.

Making The Sacrifice

2010-03-08T15:02:00.001-08:00

The second day that we were in Beijing and shopping at Carrefour and my daughter has to go to the potty.

If you have never heard stories of the bathroom facilities in china then you have no understanding of the dread that washed over me. I had been told stories of bathrooms with just simple holes in the ground with ledges on the side for your feet. Public bathrooms lacking toilet paper and garbage cans full of used tissue because you cannot throw them in the hole.

Now perhaps my fears were a little unfounded as I was not in some far flung remote village in the backwater of China. That did little to prevent me from having visions of urine soaked paths leading up to a dirt hole lined with ancient crumbling tiles to balance on while I held my 4 year old daughter over the gaping hole to pee as she screamed in fear of being dropped in as a human sacrifice.

But first I had to find it.

I asked our kind host how to say bathroom in Chinese. I practiced the word he told me over and over until he smiled and nodded. “Great, I’ve got it,” I thought and headed off to be directed to the nearest sacrificial pit.

I found the nearest employee and asked where the bathroom was in my new well practiced Chinese phrase and was presented with a blank stare. I asked again and simply received a shaking head and a string of Chinese phrases I cannot even begin to comprehend. You see at this point my vocabulary is limited to hello and thank you, and I THOUGHT bathroom.

She pointed me around the corner to a desk with a sign in both Chinese and English. “Customer Service”. Here we go again.

When my turn at the counter came I simply said “English"?” and as the soundtrack chorus sang she said “a little.”

Small important detail to keep in mind here. I am carrying my now squirming 4 year old daughter who REALLY has to pee at this point. Every second that passes I can hear the second hand of my mental clock ticking and bringing me closer to the brink of a urine soaked arm and shirt.

“Bathroom?” I ask in my newly learned phrase. A phrase that has apparently already mutated.

More blank stares and a shaking head.

I am more fearful of being peed on as every second passes and my mental facilities begin to leave me. A brilliant stroke of genius hits me. I signal for pen and paper (thank the FSM for universal hand gestures) and draw the universal symbol for toilet.

Now as I finish this drawing I realize that the fear of being pissed on as made me completely retarded. Now maybe that SHOULD be the universal sign for toilet, but it isn’t and at this point I am in almost in a panic.

Incredibly though, this works and I see the light go on in this very kind woman who is trying to help me. “AAAH,” she says, “dubbaya see’. I am slightly baffled by her response and seeing this she draws a picture for me.

Now many of you readers may get this, and in HINDSIGHT it makes perfect sense, but I am in a HAZE of fear of being peed on AND hanging my daughter over the bog of eternal stench WITHOUT toilet paper. Yes, at this point I realize I forgot to bring my public toilet paper with me, but a flash of inspiration hits me and I draw this.

She smiles brightly and says “Yes, yes, dubbya see” and I realize she is saying W C and is referring to Water Closet. At this point I wish we had not only driven the British off the North American continent but pursued a worldwide campaign to wipe their sordid snobby language off the planet. Water closet, loo, restroom, bathroom. How many names do we need for a TOILET.

After a very quick but gracious “shea shea” (谢谢 – thank you) I am sprinting as fast as you can while holding a squirming 4 year old through a crowd of people in the direction she points. Sprinting to the pit of doom.

The floors were tile, the floors were wet (and I don’t think it was water), the hole was porcelain and it was at floor level, and my daughter did scream like she was about to be sacrificed as I held her over it …. and the toilet paper? Let’s just say nobody noticed that my knee was a little wet and I washed my pants as soon as we got home.

Flying Solo Part II

2010-03-07T13:59:00.001-08:00

We thought this video of Braedyn deserved his own post notification, so here it is. If the video is rotated sideways, please forgive. Still working remotely via LogMeIn and things can be technically difficult.

The moment before Braedyn’s dinnertime crash.

Flying Solo

2010-03-07T04:09:00.001-08:00

After yesterday’s lazy-fest, we hit the ground running today. Literally, at 5 am. We have Braedyn and Emily to thank for that, by the way. At least it was better than their 4 am wake up time yesterday.

We hit Carrefour again and browsed the isles, bought the kids a couple of great knock-off Lego toys (just as good as the name-brand, I might add), and picked up some various types of alcohol to try. Apparently, we are on a side of Beijing that isn’t very touristy, which may explain why the kids (especially Emily) get so many stares, waves, and smiles. If we can actually get them to say hello in Chinese, it generally elicits some claps and giggles. We are our own walking circus act!

Tonight I was determined to go out to eat. Every block in this city seems to have several restaurants. The question for us was, would we be able to find one with menus that either had pictures or some sort of English translation? We felt we would score big if we could find one with both. So, we hit the streets. I saw a place nearby yesterday that I thought looked nice, so we thought we would try there first. We walked in, and we were immediately ushered toward a private room. Um… Then I started playing charades with the hostess, which I’m certain made me look like a chimp in a circus act. Through the hostess’s limited English and my grandiose gestures, we learned it was a tea house. We were allowed to bring in our own food, but they didn’t serve any there. So, we left, looking overly gracious in our smiles and gestures as we backed out the door.

We passed several other places that didn’t have very many people in them, which I didn’t take as a good sign. We forged ahead. Then we found one that was in tandem with a Dairy Queen. Yes, a Dairy Queen. There were a lot of people in there, so we thought we’d give that a shot. We found a printed menu with no English on it but it had pictures, so hooray for the ability to point! However, we could not tell what the heck anything was and decided to try another place. I saw a Japanese restaurant along the route and decided to give that a try. We hiked back toward the restaurant, crossed a busy street (safely - yay!), and walked in. We hand signaled, yet again, for a menu. This time, although a picture menu, we still weren’t sure what anything was, so we smiled and backed out to the street once again.

Greg noticed a place up a little way with bright red decorations on the outside, so we headed toward it to check it out. We walked in, and one of the several hostesses at the door held up four fingers (for four guests in the party), and I nodded. The kids were tired of walking around, and I figured we were just going to go for it. We were out for an adventure after all, right!?

Turns out we made a very good decision. It was a nice sit down restaurant, and we were attended to by at least 5 people. One promptly brought over a kid’s plate and spoon for Emily, while another brought her a high chair. We opened the menu, and as if a choir of angels started to sing with its opening, it had pictures and subtitles. Greg ordered beers for us (since for the time we are avoiding Chinese white wine), and left the food to me. Thanks, Greg. So, I picked a scrumptious fried shrimp and cashew plate and a sweet and sour chicken and beef plate. I was feeling so confident, we even ordered fried rice!

When ordering juice for the kids, we have noticed they always bring over a whole carton. This particular time they received a carrot and orange mixture (100% juice – yay!), and it was amazingly delicious! As we ordered, or should I say pointed, the guy taking our order touched Emily’s hair and smiled. She is such a novelty around here.

Before our food arrived, both kids looked like they were about the pass out on the table. We barely had time to put several bites on their plates before they actually did pass out. Greg and I scrambled to finish our savory meals and down our two enormous bottles of beer before they fell crashing down from their chairs.

So, chow we did. Imbibe we did. Then, when we were ready to go, we had no idea how to ask for the check. Greg scrambled to find something that would help on his Mandarin iPhone app, which will speak phrases for you. He found something close, and then when I flagged down someone to use it, I pushed the wrong replay button and lost it. So, I resorted back to my glamorous charades skills to ask for the check. We must have had four people at our table all trying to figure out what the crazy lady (me) was trying to say.

I think it was the kids’ drool on the table that finally tipped them off, and they ran over with our bill. Several hostesses helped me get the coat on dead-weight Emily, since Greg had his hands full with dead-weight Braedyn. Then we stepped outside. In the snow. We couldn’t do anything but laugh about it, and we headed on our way home.

If I had known I would be carrying our kids as much as we have so far on this trip, I never would have only brought one pair of shoes. Which shoes? Sketchers Shape-Ups! The ones that work out your muscles when you walk. Like I needed the extra help.

To Starve Or Not To Starve, That Is The Question?

2010-03-07T01:25:00.001-08:00

Let’s get this out out of the way. For those of you who don’t know me, if there was a catastrophic planetary die off of all animals on this planet, I would be one of the first humans to die of starvation. That’s right, I am the one of the world’s pickiest eaters. Right after my two youngest children.

Now don’t get me wrong. I love Chinese food. AMERICAN Chinese food. American Chinese food that I can identify the meat products. American Chinese food with identifiable meat products and vegetables that are easily avoided or removed. That pretty much leaves me eating sesame chicken or sweet and sour chicken.

As you can imagine the thought of moving to a city across the planet where the term “silverware” means bamboo chopsticks, mystery meat (because I can’t read the menu) and vegetables are the norm had me TERRIFIED of either starving to death or living on noodles.

Chinese Silverware Department at Carrefour

With this knowledge you can imagine the fear that gripped me as our hosts came to take us to dinner on our second night in Beijing. We were assured we were going to an authentic local Chinese restaurant as we walked several blocks to dine.

We were greeted by hosts in traditional Chinese attire and seated, and I was handed the menu first. There was an attempt to westernize the menu with English subtitles below some, but not all the items. I perused the usual fare like pig intestine and duck’s blood but simply told our hosts to pick something for me with chicken or beef and no vegetables. Johnny laughed at this because he and I had discussed my limited diet earlier in the day. Combine this with two kids pickier than me and a wife who doesn’t like spicy foods, and we were the ideal guests.

In the end we let them select our dinner, and we were served several dishes to choose from. One was fungus (black mushrooms which appeared pickled and had an interesting crunch), sleeve fish, schezwan chicken, and several dishes that I couldn’t begin to tell you what they were. Stand back dear reader because I TRIED THEM ALL. Ok, I tried all the dishes with mushrooms or meat!

I may have left out the reason for my exploratory culinary mood. I was drinking “Chinese White Wine”. I can tell you it was white, as in clear like vodka and smelled so strongly of pure alcohol that I believe now that I may have found a new fuel source for our vehicles, because when I saw it in the store I realized it was cost effective too.

Chinese White “NOT” Wine – 54 Proof for about a buck a bottle.

Between myself and three other gentleman we finished the bottle. They had refills, I did not, and I still felt like I was doing shots at a bachelor party.

But I digress. The food was fantastic, our hosts were spectacular and we all had a great time.

The children? Emily fell asleep on the walk to the restaurant and Braedyn followed suit after his first two bites of noodles.

I can tell you the schezwan chicken and a spicy beef dish that was served cold were amazing. I guess that means I have found at least two dishes I can eat, problem is I don’t know how to order them.

I may starve after all.

First Time to Market

2010-03-06T15:04:00.001-08:00

Before I tell our market tale, I remembered something about our drive from the airport that I had forgotten yesterday. I’ll chalk it up to jetlag. I think I’ve got at least a couple of weeks of playing that card before it gets old. The kind driver, whose name I have sadly forgotten, said to us, “You have one boy and one girl. Nice.” I asked if he had children, and he said just one. He reminded me of something I would have remembered if my mind hadn’t been so mushy after our long day. In China, people are only allowed to have one child. I’m such an advocate of personal choice that this is difficult for me to imagine.

On a lighter note, I asked him if he had ever been to the USA, and he said, “I have a dream.” He continued that he wanted to visit New York one day and “the other city, California”, where that actor was in charge. After Greg and I offered several Terminator impersonations, we were on to a different topic.

We are very fortunate to have such a helpful, kind, and generous friend in Beijing already. Johnny, a co-worker of Greg’s, has really helped us figure things out. Things like paying the power and hot water bills and how to get to the market. And I’m talking MARKET! We met Johnny in the apartment lobby our first morning here, and he guided us to a huge indoor mall/super market/gala! And thank goodness he was with us the first time. He translated food items for us. Everything is in Chinese! Go figure.

On the walk to the market, it was very cold and very windy, which was both a blessing and a curse. Braedyn was one big, teeth-chattering bundle and insisted on being carried. Curse. The wind cleared out a lot of the pollution and I could see blue sky! Blessing. Something else became abundantly clear on this first trip out on the streets. Emily, little blonde-haired, blue-eyed Emily, is a novelty here. We get lots of stares, grins, and points in her direction.

In the store, you grab a cart and guide it through the indoor mall. Our first stop? STARBUCKS! The kids devoured a chocolate-glazed doughnut, just like the ones at home. I slurped up a Venti coffee, while Greg enjoyed his mocha. We didn’t spend any time in the little shops that were selling clothes, shoes, Disney products, etc. We headed straight to the two-story grocery store for some apartment supplies and food. To get from one story to the next, you go on an escalator type thing. It is a moving ramp without stairs. And the carts magnetically stay put, so there is no chance of getting wiped out from a runaway cart.

You all have seen my diatribes about food and struggling between quality and price and all that. Well, that all goes out the window here. I’d like to say I didn’t have a brief “Oh, CRAP” moment when these two Carrefour workers gave the kids a sample to try in a small cup. They looked at me briefly for permission, and I gave it!!! Johnny came to the rescue and told us it was drink yogurt. I was relieved. FOR A SECOND. Then I started panicking as I wondered if they pasteurize their milk and juices over here. Eeee gad. This is going to take some getting used to.

(Under the red and yellow sign are dehydrated ducks!)

We are in Beijing!

2010-03-06T03:54:00.001-08:00

We made it! We are in Beijing, China! It has taken a few days to figure out how to blog from here, so we have a little catching up to do.

The flight actually went very well, far better than parents of two young children could possibly hope for. The short flight from Reno to San Francisco was actually more of a problem than the 13 hour flight from San Francisco to Beijing. Why? What was our secret for the 13 hour flight? No, we didn't dose them up with Benedryl. Shame on you for thinking that. Even though the international flight had free white wine (even from a bottle!), that was also not the reason that part of the trip went so smoothly for us. Our secret was our "surprise" for the kids of iPod Touches. Greg loaded them up with games and gave them to Braedyn and Emily prior to boarding in San Fran. Then they completely zoned out most of the flight playing video games. We are such good parents.

A huge relief on the trip came from Emily. Her ears did not bother her at all! Even though she had another ear infection diagnosed at the post-surgery follow-up, she did not have any problems on the flight.

We arrived at the airport in Beijing around 4 pm the next day, and I have to say that the first thing I noticed about Beijing, something I had been warned about, was the pollution. We couldn’t see anything out of the airplane windows, NOTHING, as we landed due to the thick “haze”, as the flight attendant called it. Once through customs, we were greeted by five of Greg’s co-workers. Five people and two cars for the four of us. They insisted on taking care of all our luggage and even took turns carrying the kids, who were little zombies (thankfully not the flesh-eating kind) after being awake for nearly 22 hours.

If I weren’t so exhausted during the hour drive from the airport to the apartment, I would have given the driver a panic attack with all of my shrieks of horror at the traffic on the road. Lines delineating lanes on the road? Sure, they are there, but I’m not sure why. No one pays attention to them. And how do they pull right in front of you when they need over? With those pesky blinkers? Nah. That’s what the horn is for. The horn is also the method of getting those damn pedestrians out of the crosswalk you are trying to drive through. I’m not sure why Greg put ME in the front seat, but at one point I felt his had squeeze my shoulder, so I assume he was having the same heart attack from the back seat. You would have thought Emily had just watched Dustin Hoffman in Rainman, because she repeated over and over again, “I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home.” This was most certainly from being severely over-tired, but it nearly had me in tears nonetheless.

We made it safely and unscathed to the apartment, which although needing a heavy date with a scouring pad and some bleach, was very nice. I got the beds made, and we were out cold by about 8 pm. That didn’t last long though. The kids were wide awake at 1 am (9 am in Reno), and by wide awake I mean running around the apartment squealing like kids in a candy store. We finally got everyone back to bed around 4 am and slept until a luxurious 7 am. And that, my friends, was the end of day one.

(We even drove on the shoulder for several miles.)

China Here We Come

2010-03-02T09:46:00.001-08:00

It has been a rather crazy roller coaster for us leading up to today.

The coordination, planning is reaching a pinnacle. I sit here on the couch in the early morning getting ready mentally to start packing for our flight to China.

I think we have everything lined up. Family members have moved in and will be living in our house (stay away bad guys, the dog is still here, family has been trained to use the alarm and spike the turtle bites HARD), the “documentation” for taking care of all the animals and the house have been prepared and research on Chinese wines & beer is complete. Now we have to actually PACK!

I have setup three picture albums for the next three months and (fingers crossed) uploads should get synced up automatically.

Right now there is a picture of our couch in its more creative configurations (thanks to Braedyn and Emily) as a placeholder in each album. We will update these as we can. I have never lived in Beijing, so I don’t know exactly what our limitations will be.

March

March 2010

April

April 2010

May

May 2010

We will be doing our best to blog our adventures or mis-adventures as the case may be.

A Day to Remember

2010-02-25T14:08:00.001-08:00

Today is a day to remember. Not so much because of what we did today, but because of the amazing response from our friends and family. We had to take Emily to the hospital this morning, EARLY this morning, to get a second set of ear tubes put in and to have her adenoids shaved back. Between Braedyn and Emily, this was the fifth surgery for ears/adenoids/tonsils we’ve been through. Although there is a familiarity with the process, it never gets easier seeing your child wheeled away for surgery. With leaving for our three-month trip to China in less than a week, I think it is relatively safe to say that stress was at an all-time high.

Our insurance recently changed, a result of which landed us at a different hospital this time. And let me tell you, the staff was fantastic. They were all so attentive and caring to Emily, who was holding her own, but to a trained mom’s eye could see she was a little unnerved by the whole process of getting checked in, getting her blood pressure taken, wearing a silly hospital gown, etc. She did great, actually, until the following exchange with one of the nurses:

Nurse: Emily, your mommy and daddy are going to spoil you today!
Emily: <dimply grin>
Nurse: <with much enthusiasm> Tell them, Emily, today is all about me. Say, today is all about ME!
Emily: <with some hesitation> Today is all about… her! <pointing to the nurse>

The laughter that burst from all of us at the adorable misstatement put Emily into tears. She is very sensitive to laughter and always, ALWAYS feel that it is directed AT her. After much cuddling from Mommy, she calmed down, just in time for another nurse to show up with the wagon, literally a child’s wagon, to wheel her to the operating room. She went in one direction, and we went in the other, toward the waiting room.

Simply stated, waiting SUCKS. Big time.

Once the surgery was successfully completed, Greg and I were brought back to the recovery area, where Emily was still out from the anesthesia. Only moments after our arrival, our little 28 pound princess turned into one helluva strong kick boxer. With unparalleled determination, she kept trying to rip out her IV, and any attempt to stop her resulted in her uttering a guttural growl, throwing a full-arm swing to your face, and angrily and powerfully kick at you. That shocking stage took about 20 agonizing minutes to get through. It’s surreal to watch your child in that state. Somewhere between sleep and alertness. Somewhere between sane and crazy.

After another hour and a half or so in the recovery room, we were sent home. Phew.

Upon our arrival home, we found out Braedyn had been the best big brother he could possibly be today. (So much so that even typing it is bringing tears of joy to my eyes. Proud Mama!) Every day at school that Braedyn is good and follows the class rules, he earns a “green card”. After earning 30 cards, he can turn them in for a prize. Today was the day for him to turn in 30 green cards, and let me tell you, the excitement from him about this is palpable. It is truly a treat for the kids to get to pick something out of the prize basket.

We left for the hospital this morning before Braedyn woke up, so we hadn’t yet seem him today. When we walked in, he was absolutely beaming and happy to see us. Then he handed Emily a present, a present that he used his 30 green cards to pick today. That’s right! He selflessly used his cards to get her a Strawberry Shortcake Frisbee. He made me and his Dad unbelievably proud today.

Another thoughtful friend dropped off a yummy coffee for me and coloring books and markers for Emily and Braedyn. Our loving friends and family have showered us with a deluge of good thoughts, whether on Facebook, the phone, or via email, and it has been so very appreciated. On a day like this, where your emotions are on overdrive and your energy is zapped, I was reminded of just how lucky we are.

Mommy trying to comfort a distressed and unhappy Emily.

Emily’s toe glowing from the pulse oximeter.

Smearing Fat On Your Face and Endearing Cowboys

2010-01-26T14:14:00.001-08:00

Two Christmases ago, I got a lovely facial cream that I use daily. It was purchased in Hungary during one of my in-law’s worldly excursions. I love it. Love it!! It makes my face feel luxuriously smooth, and living in a desert, that is seriously a very difficult feeling to achieve.

Oh and then Mr. Bubble Burster (aka my husband) shared one of his profound news stories with me. Check this out. So, now as I dig out the final remnants of this cream-of-the-gods (um, yes, I am still using it), I can’t help but wonder if I am smearing some human fat, fat melted off of bodies with candles, on my face. *shudder*

So, off of the yuck and onto the cool. If you have kids, you have to check out the preview of this awesome new website and show, Johnny Saddles. My kids really get a kick out if it, and its approach to educational topics is refreshing and straight forward. I guess I have a soft spot for the cowboy; I *am* from Texas after all. Just don’t hold that against me. I need all the love I can get after feeling like I have been moisturizing with Pedro. Not with Pedro. WITH Pedro.

Crashplan+Drobo+Workaround=Data Redundancy Love

2010-01-08T20:50:00.001-08:00

I have had my Drobo for over a year now and have been very pleased with its reliability. Several months ago I discovered the free backup utility Crashplan.

If you are not familiar with Crashplan (regardless if you have a Drobo or not) you should definitely check it out). Think of it as a peer to peer encrypted backup.

The issue with it is that it does not natively support mapping to network drives. There are workarounds on the forums for mapping a network drive to a drive letter, adding batch files to run from a task scheduler on login, blah blah blah, that JUST DON’T WORK consistently or easily.

This one does.

Map your network Drive to a Drive letter. In my case it is the S:\ drive and assign it to be persistent. (right Click, Map Network Drive and choose Reconnect on Logon).
Download and install Crashplan (available for Windows, Mac and Linux)
Click on the Destinations Tab on the Left.
Click on the Folders tab on the top.
Click the Select Button next to Select a backup destination folder.
Configure it to backup to a LOCAL file location. Use something simply like c:\temp. It should look something like this.
You can also select the name from the Available folders and then rename it in the Name: field on the right if you wish.

Crashplan runs as a service and a gui application. You must shut down both for this next step.

Close the application, and if the icon is still in your taskbar, right click and close it as well.
To close the Crashplan service find Services under Administrative Tools in your Windows Control Panel. Find the service named CrashPlanService and stop it or from a command prompt enter “net stop CrashPlanService” and you should recieve a message saying it was shutdown successfully.
If you installed Crashplan to the default location then open the file
c:\Program Files\CrashPlan\conf\my.service.xml
Search the xml file for (if you are following my example)
c:/temp/
and replace with the network url for the drive and folder path you would like to map it to. In this example my Drobo is
//DroboShare/Drobo/Shared/Backup/Crashplan/
NOTE: The slashes are reversed and you must include the closing slash and is likely case sensitive. Test your network url with correct slash marks first (Start->Run->\\DroboShare\Drobo\Shared\Backup\Crashplan)
Replace all instances of the c:/temp/ throughout the XML file.
Save and close the file and reboot.

On completion of restart, your Crashplan will properly map to your networked drive AND reference it via the Drive letter you mapped in the first step.

Enjoy your networked storage with Crashplan integration!

UPDATE: I have moved my Drobo from my DroboShare and attached it to my TonidoPlug (LOVE IT). This is a permanent move for me as the Tonido seems much faster than the DroboShare. I configured my Windows 7 laptop as a test to point to this location in response to Anonymous comment below. It works in this configuration as well. Interestingly it does not show the mapped drive letter as my Windows XP box does (image above with Drive S:) but it is working.

IMPORTANT: You will NOT be able to use the Browse button in Crashplan. The problem is Crashplan has issues with networked drives, hence this workaround.

Out of the Mouth of Babes

2010-01-08T20:10:00.000-08:00

I am going to update these sayings as they occur. I don’t want them to be lost.

January 2010
We had a few great friends over one night for a dinner party, and one couple has a sharp, witty, and beautiful little girl one year younger than Braedyn. The adults were all sitting around the table after dinner talking about Food Inc. and life in general over some wine when Braedyn comes running out of his room to say:
Braedyn: <beaming> Guess what? Lola kissed me!
Adults: <chuckles>
Me: Where did she kiss you, Braedyn?
Braedyn: <boisterously> In my room!!!

November 2009
Me: Would you like to go to a park?
Braedyn: I was kinda wanting to get a donut.
Me: <chuckling> I was hoping to get you outside while it is nice and let you play.
Braedyn: <with a big smile> Well, we could go outside to eat our donuts!

October 2009
Greg: Did Bo [Braedyn’s teddy bear] get a bath today?
Me: No, I didn’t get another load of clothes going.
Greg: <jokingly> slaaaaaaaaaaaacker!
Braedyn: slaaaaaaaaaaaaacker!
Emily: slaaaaaaaaaap her!

Me: Ow! <doubled over with a cramp in my side>
Braedyn: Are you ok?
Me: Yes, thanks. It’s just a cramp.
Braedyn: Maybe it’s growing veins.

August 2009
After spending a lot of time following the directions to build a Spiderman space ship made of Legos:
Me: That is SO cool, Braedyn! It kicks bum-bum!
Braedyn: <big smile and a giggle> Yes, it does. Spiderman could save the world with this. <pause> If it was bigger. <another pause> And if it wasn’t made out of toys. <yet another pause> And if it was real.

DIY Network was on when the TV was turned on, and Braedyn wanted to watch the construction activity going on the show called Wasted Spaces. I turned it off thinking that’s what he wanted, and he got upset and said, “I want to watch Wisted Spices!” I replied, “You mean, Wasted Spaces.” He got upset again and said, “No, it is called Wisted Spices, WISTED SPICES!!” I couldn’t help but laugh because the show is hosted by an English dude... with a thick accent.

June 2009
After brushing his teeth tonight, Braedyn had blue toothpaste smeared all over his mouth. Greg filled the palm of his hand with water and asked Braedyn to put his mouth in the water so he could wipe off the toothpaste. Braedyn leaned over and inhaled at the same time, causing him to get a nose full of water. Greg said, “Buddy, I just wanted you to put your mouth in the water,” to which Braedyn replied, “But my nose is too close to my mouth!”

While sitting at the table coloring, Emily made up her own song with these lyrics: “Sometimes Mommy says yes! And sometimes Mommy says no.” Then she told me she didn’t want to go to jail.

5/20/2009
Dad: Emily, since today is your mommy’s birthday I need you to listen to her words, make good choices, not fight with your brother and just try to give mommy a great day. ok?
Emily: Ok daddy, after I finish my movie.

5/2009
I handed Emily a green goldfish cracker while she was coloring. She picked up the green crayon and said, “This is the same color!” In my forever attempt to teach Emily her colors, I asked her what color it was. She replied, “It’s the fish cracker color.”

After seeing a bulging vein in my arm, Emily points to it and says, “That’s what aliens have.”

After finally noticing a wedding picture of Greg and me in the hallway, Emily says to me, “Mommy, when I get bigger, will you marry me?”

I’ve had a cold, so the kids know that I can’t give them kisses on the lips because I don’t want them to catch it. When Greg went in to Emily’s room to kiss her goodnight, she told him not to kiss her on the lips. She had the “hippups” and didn’t want him to catch them.

4/2009
While telling ghost stories in the dark in my closet, Braedyn says: And the monster turned into a giant! A huge giant! Huger than the other giants. Huger than trees! HUGER than squirrels!

Braedyn: Are there people inside the Ninja Turtles?
Greg: No, they are supposed to be real turtles.
Braedyn: <look of slight confusion> But, they aren’t very slow.
Greg: And thus the irony of NINJA turtles.

Emily: Color with me, Mommy.
Me: OK. What color is this? <holding up a marker>
Emily: Ummmmm, I don’t know.
Me: Can you guess?
Emily: No. You guess.

Emily: <dancing>
Me: <smiling at Emily dancing>
Emily: <notices me smiling at her> Stop it! You interrupted me!
Me: Are you sure you aren’t a teenager?

Braedyn: <waking up too early…AGAIN>
Me: <ready to tell him to go back to bed>
Braedyn: Daddy! Did you hear the birds twittering?
Me: Awwwwwww!

3/2009
Emily: I want to catch a fish.
Me: Fun! You want to be a fisherman?
Emily: No! <indignant> I be Fisher EMILY.

2/2009
Emily: Mommy, can I have a scissor?
Me: You mean scissors? Yes, you can have some scissors.
Emily: No, Mommy. Scissor. Just one.

The following is a conversation between Braedyn and Greg during the bedtime reading of the book, The Nightmare Before Christmas:
Braedyn: Daddy, that dog doesn’t have any legs.
Greg: Right. He’s a ghost dog.
Braedyn: But how does he float?
Greg: He floats because he’s a ghost dog.
Braedyn: But he doesn’t have legs. How does he float?
Greg: He’s a ghost, a ghost dog.
Braedyn: But how does he float?
Greg: He’s a GHOST.
Braedyn: But he doesn’t have any legs. How does he do that?
Greg: It’s magic ghost powers.
Braedyn: <clearly satisfied> Oh. OK.

1/2009
Braedyn: Do flies poop?
Me: Yes. Everything poops.
Braedyn: Only people, fish, birds…and strangers poop.

12/2008
Emily: Daddy, your hair is growing. You have to mow it.

Braedyn: Mommy, can I get Hot Wheels for doing chores again?
Me: I don’t know, Braedyn. I’ll have to think about it. Chores are things you really should do to help out around the house without necessarily getting a toy to do it. I mean, I do a lot around the house all the time and I don’t get rewards for it.
Braedyn: Mommy, I’ll let you have one of my Hot Wheels after you do stuff around the house.

As I opened a gift that included a bottle of wine:
Emily, pointing to the wine: HEY! That’s daddy’s cup!
Me: No. His looks like a box.

Braedyn: Emily, your mom doesn’t have a force field on your planet?
Emily: No, she doesn’t.
Braedyn: Mine does.

Emily: Mommy, I want you to sit in my lap.
Me: You would like me to hold you?
Emily: No. I want you to sit in my lap.

11/2008
Braedyn: When Granny was here last night, she let us have ice cream.
Me: Well that was a special treat!
Braedyn: Yeah, she splitted us.
Me: You mean she spoiled you?
Braedyn: Yeah, she spoiled us.

11/04/2008
Me: Today is an important day in our country. We are going to find out who the next President is. Mommy voted and hopes the person she voted for gets the job.
Braedyn: Yeah, but when Daddy gets home can I show him my new Power Rangers phone?

10/2008
Emily: Mommy, what’s your name?
Me: Susanne.
Emily: What's my name?
Me: Emily.
Emily: What's Braedyn's name?

09/2008
Greg to Emily: Who’s your Daddy?
Emily: Mommy is.

Me: How did you get all that ink on your legs?
Braedyn: I don’t know. It just bounced off the paper onto my legs.

Braedyn after I snuck up on him: Agh!!! You fartled me!

Braedyn: Mommy! Emily is going to tell on me!

Braedyn: EMILY! Be quiet! I can’t hear the lightning with you talking!

08/2008
Braedyn: Mommy, Emily wants an Elmo party on her planet.

Emily: Take a picture of my bones.
Braedyn: I can’t! Your skin keeps getting in the way.

Emily: Mommy, turn off the wind!

Emily: (Covering and uncovering her eyes) Pee poo!
Me: Peek-a-boo!
Emily: Pee poo!

Braedyn: Mommy, when I trick my treat, can I be Batman?

Braedyn: Daddy, I remember when you were a kid.
Emily: Daddy, you’re an old guy.

Braedyn: (While trimming his toes) My big toe is getting old.

Braedyn: Mommy, Emily is taking a long time to grow up.

Swiper NO SWIPING (stop yelling too)

2009-12-09T21:46:00.001-08:00

It is no secret to anyone who knows me that I have a broken volume control. Not only does my volume knob go to 11, 11 is as loud as 15, and the volume knob is broken.

My issue with all the abuse I take regarding my facilities for volumetric speaking is that I am NOT LOUD.

I project.

Projecting is good. Nobody ever leans into me and says “I couldn’t hear you, can you repeat that?”.

I have taken a great deal of flak over the years from parents, girlfriends, and my wife over this. The fact is I am blacklisted from libraries nationwide. I could not even start to make this up. I think everyone is just confused about the difference between being loud and projecting.

Now the kids are getting into the act.

Just this morning I was watching Dora the Explorer with my kids. If you haven’t watched it before you need to be aware that the point is that when Dora speaks certain items you are SUPPOSED to YELL back at the TV. It’s intentional madness.

The fox tries to steal something and Dora yells “Swiper NO SWIPING” and all three of us yell “Swiper NO SWIPING” (because you KNOW if you yell back loudly enough the TV character will stop whatever he is doing).

It appears insane, and I fit right in. It takes no effort at all for me to talk loudly to the television. Emily and I PROJECT at the TV regularly and usually without interuption during Dora, but this morning Braedyn let me have it.

Braedyn with furrowed brow: “DADDY, can you STOP?”

Me: “Why?”

Braedyn doing his best Elvis Presley crooked mouth: “Because I can’t hear it. Your voice is too HUGE!”

Sure, you can hear me now. Maybe next time when Dora yells “Swiper NO SWIPING” I should follow up with “CLEAN YOUR ROOM!” or “GET ME MY WINE!” although at 8am that’s probably not ok.

On second thought…

Freezing your VW Off

2009-12-09T21:42:00.001-08:00

Poor Stella.

I bet she thought she was going to get special treatment. Appears when the weatherman says 6° and snow I should listen and put you in the garage. Now you must sit till the weather warms up enough to unfreeze you.

Leave a Legacy of Tolerance and Kindness

2009-12-05T13:27:00.001-08:00

The Marriage Bill is our generation’s chance to change society’s injustice. The late 1800’s saw the addition of the Fifteenth Amendment to the constitution, giving people of color the right to vote. The early 1900’s saw women finally get the right to vote with the addition of the Nineteenth Amendment. People need to stop the injustice and discrimination against same-sex marriage, and let their children, and their children’s children know that they were part of the change. Now. Seriously, our grandchildren’s grandchildren are going to look back at this time and wonder what the hell the big deal was.

When thinking back to the women’s suffrage movement or the civil rights movement, I believe that the people who were against it back then were a bunch of ignorant and racist jerks. I think the same type of sentiment will be held in the future for those against the marriage bill today. It’s time to stand up against this injustice and leave a legacy of tolerance, kindness, and acceptance to our children.

Senator Diane Savino really did a great job standing up for the Marriage Bill. She’s leaving a positive legacy. Shouldn’t you?

Stella's Secret Storage

2009-11-27T13:24:00.001-08:00

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Move It! Move It! Move It! And Now….. wait.

2009-11-17T14:01:00.001-08:00

Yes, that is the story of our up and coming trip to China. Over the last 5 weeks or so, Greg and I have been running all over the place – getting passport photos for everyone, figuring out Visa details, dealing with unhelpful passport people with no access to a copy machine, getting vaccines, scheduling doctor’s appointments, figuring out who will stay at our house and watch our zoo, buying home schooling materials, organizing a “going away” party, figuring out what to do about Festivus, etc. – because last week, our “goal” date for China was December 15. This week? We found out that we aren’t going until February. And instead of being a six month trip, it will only be for three months. And what am I doing?

I am breathing a BIG ASS sigh of relief!

Not that we weren’t willing, able, and ready to go for six months, but this really solves soooooooo many issues for us. Braedyn will only miss two - maybe two and half months - of school, Emily will be able to get her four-year vaccines before we go, and we can spend Christmas at home.

See, we love Festivus and weren’t sure how we were going to handle it this year. We had started to pen a letter to Santa, pleading with him to come to our house for an early Christmas this year, and we are pretty sure he would have obliged given the situation, but now we can toss that into our recycle bin. Problem averted. I mean, can you imagine Santa in a foreign country, completely jet-lagged, a week before Christmas, and trying to bargain on toy prices with people who don’t speak English or reindeer? No, me neither.

Prior to yesterday’s news of a delay, Greg was singing songs and dancing jigs of joy because he was thrilled not to have to hang Festivus lights this year. Well, babe, I’ve got news for you. I found where you hid the ladder. Good try.

Oh I Am Gonna Blow

2009-11-07T22:09:00.001-08:00

Not many words are needed to describe this, but just watching this makes me want to lose my breakfast, lunch AND dinner!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Charmin Likes A Little Fantasy Play

2009-11-07T17:52:00.001-08:00

If only she could pay her own way using feather boas at a burlesque show. Probably not gonna happen though.

Don’t bother asking what the boas are actually for. We are all adults here and you already know. I can say I don’t think we will be using them after the dog has been sleeping on them.

I Can’t See Your Eye for that Mouth of Yours

2009-10-22T17:20:00.001-07:00

Braedyn’s 6th birthday proved to be an interesting roller coaster of ups and downs.

First, both Greg and I volunteered in his Kindergarten classroom, which he felt was quite a treat. BUT, he had a sub in his class, so he didn’t get all the usual birthday perks that his teacher usually provided birthday boys and girls. He took it in stride and enjoyed getting to hand out cookies to all the kids in the class as a way to celebrate his day. The best part about that was the cookies we brought turned all the kids’ lips and teeth black. It would have been chillingly zombie-like if it hadn’t been so dang cute.

Not really thinking, I had scheduled his 6-year wellness visit at the pediatrician’s on his birthday. Bad, mommy. Bad. However, the saving grace was he didn’t need any shots (not until the trip we’re all taking in a couple of weeks to get whatever it is we need for China). Greg suggested to Braedyn that “maybe Mommy will get you a treat after the doctor’s office.” Bad, daddy. Bad. Greg was thinking a little food treat, but Braedyn heard “treat” and instantly set his mind on a toy. And when I say “set his mind”, I mean the idea of a toy was like a snare catching a big, bad ass animal and not letting go. Since it was his birthday, I decided, against my better judgment, to take him to to a big, horrible, mega-store and let him pick out something less than $5.

Sigh.

Everything he wanted was of course more than $5, but I had drawn the line in the sand and I wasn’t wavering in my resolve. In fact, we talked about how he needed to find something that had a price starting with a 5 and then a period. It was a good life lesson, right? Well, I let him mull it over and look up and down the aisles… Look up and down the aisles and mull it over… *yawn* There was a complaint here and there about how he wanted things that were over $5, but I let them slide. It was his birthday after all. So, after an HOUR of this mulling and looking, I told him he had 5 minutes to decide. Tears. I calmly explained to him that this was supposed to be a small treat for being good at the doctor’s office and not a birthday present. I also explained to him that his aunts and uncles were looking for ideas of what to get him, so we could make a list of the toys he would like. With the 2 minute warning, I got screams. When I told him he had to pick, he told me I was mean because he wanted toys that were over $5.

*snap* <----- That would be the sound of the straw breaking the camel’s back.

I then told him CALMLY that we were leaving without anything, that he no longer was going to get a toy because his behavior was unacceptable. I’m certain people on the other side of the mega-square-foot store could hear the shriek that came from my son at that moment. Since I had already picked out a couple of other necessities from the evil, mega-corp, I still had go through the check out - with a tantruming 6 year old. I was wishing for a hot poker to the eye instead, but since I had no such luck, I had to endure. The woman ahead of us was telling the checker “that she’s never had any, and for that she was glad.” Kids. I’m sure she meant kids. Then another woman came up to me and put her arm around me and said, “You are doing a great job.” I’m fairly certain she meant that and wasn’t just being sarcastic. I think.

Since he still hadn’t let go of the $5 toy he grabbed when I told him time was up, I had to tell him we were not leaving the store with the toy. It was time to put it down. A young employee of the nefarious, mega-corp was trying to help me by telling Braedyn that if he left with the toy, the alarms would sound and he’d be arrested. Apparently that was enough for the iron grip to release. Then the employee offered him a piece of candy. I was thinking, “That’s nice. She must be handing out Halloween candy.” Um, that would be a no. Instead she pulled out an open bag of gummy worms that she obviously had during a recent break. Then I did a horrible thing. I let him have one. From an open bag. From a stranger. I guess in my desire to get the hell out of the store without another meltdown from my son, I said yes. Not an excuse, but still. It still makes me shudder to think of it now.

So things got back to normal after that. My obviously very tired son would not take a nap before we left for dinner at his favorite “lunch house”, Red Robin. What a treat that ended up being! No sarcasm here. Seriously! It was a blast! We happened to go on a night we never usually go on, and it was “Kids Night”. We had a magician doing tricks at our table that had the kids doing some serious jaw-dropping. Then there were the free ice cream sundaes and birthday song by the employees. And if that weren’t enough, there was an animal balloon maker wowing a slew of kids, mine included. The guy was absolutely amazing, and after my own balloon fiasco, I have an amazing amount of respect for his craft.

The most difficult thing that happened, for me anyway, was not the tantrum in the mega store, if you can believe it. It was a girl walking past us on our way to our car. She had a very large birthmark around her eye, and once I saw it I was nervous that Braedyn would say something. You know, since kids have that knack for pointing out things that seem different to them at some of the most awkward times. I glanced over to him just as his pointing finger was aiming, and as she walked passed us:

Braedyn: Hey, look at her eye!

The girl: Oh, THAT’s nice.

Me: He’s six. He doesn’t understand.

The girl: Fucking kid.

Me: I will explain it to him.

I am SO grateful the kids didn’t hear her swearing, and once in the car, we promptly had a discussion about birthmarks. We explained that it could hurt people’s feelings when you point out things that are different about them. We followed that up with a discussion that being different doesn’t make one bad or scary. We explained that we needed to be considerate of others’ feelings, so if they have a question about something they see that is different, they can always ask us. Of course, I’m saying this out of my mouth, but my head is thinking that I couldn’t see her eye for that ugly fucking mouth of hers. I understand it must be hard for her, and for that I am completely sympathetic. It’s just obvious that she either doesn’t have kids or has never been around any to see how they behave.

It was hurtful to me to hear someone say something so mean to my son. He wasn’t being mean; he didn’t do it to hurt her. When we had our talk with him, he said empathetically that he didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. He has a big heart, and I am very proud of him – even with a crazy tantrum thrown in once in a while. Keeps my parenting skills on their proverbial toes.

It’s hard to believe this all happened in one day. It was a lot for me; I can’t imagine what it must have felt like to my beautiful six year old boy.

SOME Assembly Required.

2009-10-19T00:40:00.001-07:00

I want to know what marketing genius came up with the idea to sell a toy that comes completely UNASSEMBLED. It’s brilliant. No costs associated with machine or child labor required to pre-assemble your nanoparticle toy. The cost savings must be ENORMOUS. As such, screw anyone who tells you American kids are dumb. Those people have never SEEN the toys that 5 year olds are putting together.

Braedyn has a birthday coming up and grandpa sent him a check and boy was he ready to spend it. It just so happened the check was for the same amount as the BIONICLE he was just dying to get. BTW, its capitalized because on all the packaging and in the books its always written out as BIONICLE, just incase you weren’t paying attention.

Not making this up.. B I O N I C L E.

So we went to the Toys-R-Us with new in store MiniMart (again, I am not making this up) where you can now pickup your iPod, BIONICLE, gallon of milk, all natural potato chips and a Hanson soda. I didn’t check to see if they had PBR and Clove cigarettes, but if they do, its a college students DREAM.

“Dude, lets hit ToysRUs, you get the new Rock Band and the Drum Set while I get someone to score smokes and booze for us.” A ONE STOP SHOP.

So we are browsing the aisle looking for the BIONICLE that he wants when he spots it. The main character from the recently released direct to DVD BIONICLE:THE LEGEND REBORN in a LIMITED EDITION. It was the first and only time I have seen a 5 year old make a decision and stick to it. Instantly.

I didn’t look closely at the box, or I would have noticed it said in GIANT BIONICLE lettering, 368 pieces. It might as well have read “This toy contains more pieces than there are insurance lobbyists fighting health care reform.”

Seriously. The toy has 2 books of instructions and just in case you think I am making this up. Behold. Book 1 & Book 2. Even the boy was scared. See the fear. Its real alright.

So we buckled down. We hit a couple road bumps, like missing pieces or the old man needing to get up and stretch, but after three Redbulls ( I just drank water) and TWO hours of assembly time it was complete and it was time for a nap (for me of course).

Behold BIONICLE MATA NUI with articulated fingers (assembled right here in Reno Nevada using child labor).

Who are you again and why am I naked?

2009-10-19T00:00:00.001-07:00

I am back. I know, its been a long time since I have blogged. I was kidnapped by agents of The Company. I can’t talk about it, if I did, I would have to kill you.

After my daring escape I was left with severe injuries to my shoulder and right elbow. Those coupled with my prior foot issues left me in a great deal of pain and crippled by night terrors of my torture and abuse from The Company.

Really, its just so horrifying I can’t talk about it.

So like any injured superspy I went to my local physician who subscribed a plethora of medications to help ease me back into society. These were not without side effects which were pointed out to me in a rather public way.

Several weeks ago the family attended another of Braedyn’s soccer games. As we were heading toward the field I asked “which one are we on this week.”

Susanne replies “The same as last week.”

It was obvious to me that we were NOT headed towards the field we played on the week before so I say with absolute confidence (because you all know I am NEVER wrong) “no, we were on that field over there.”

My wife gives me a look that really couldn’t have been described any less than “are you fucking kidding me?” and says just as gently “UH NO, we were on THIS field over here,” pointing again in the WRONG direction (because you see, I KNOW I am right).

“Uh No, we sat right over there, “ I confidently point.

At which point another mom from the soccer team replies. “No, that was the week before. Last week we sat right here.” Pointing again in the opposite direction that MY PERFECT mind remembers.

And then Susanne leans over and says “Wow, those drugs did a real number on you. I KNEW something was wrong last week.”

What? Me? In a complete altered state. Well my dear readers, it turns out she was right (just this once we will let her pretend it happens more often than not). I sat down (it so happens in almost the exact same spot as the prior week) and that’s when the small flashes of memory started coming back.

It was like being in a really cool action movie, glimpses of memory coming back in quick little flashes, like in a Michael Bay movie where everything moves really fast and nothing makes any sense but you don’t care because it just LOOKS cool. Except it was flashes of my life which is more like the movie Parenthood except my wife is much hotter than Mary Steenburgen and I am so way better looking than Steve Martin, and funnier, except when I blog because I don’t want him to feel bad.

So it’s time for my meds again. Now what was I doing and where are my pants?

You Yellin’ at ME?

2009-10-02T16:07:00.001-07:00

Today was my second Friday volunteering for parent patrol at Braedyn’s school, where I help kids and parents cross the street. This volunteer job is not without its perks, let me tell you. I do get to make quite a fashion statement with my bright neon yellow jacket with the words PARENT PATROL across the back. And the hand-held stop sign gives such a rush of power. I mean, cars listen to me! My kids don’t even do that!

When asked if I would volunteer, of course I gave an enthusiastic “Yes!” I mean, what’s better than giving your self-esteem a boost doing your civic duty AND being a role model for your kids at the same time!? I did pick the busiest intersection however, which as a rookie parent patroller may not have been the wisest move. I did it in order to be right by the Kindergarten corner, so I could give sporadic glances over to my son in the play area.

So what – two cross walks. No biggie, you are thinking. Well, throw in soccer moms running late to school, cars coming from three directions, people coming from ALL directions, and you can see how this becomes a bit of a challenge.

Generally speaking, I get lots of “Go Parent Patrol” shout outs, many “good morning” acknowledgements, and lots of thank you’s. It is actually a nice way to start my Fridays.

And then, there are days like to today when a MOM YELLED AT ME WHILE DOING MY VOLUNTEER WORK. Yup. Yelled at me. She said that I can’t just jump in the street. Given how many cars and how many people were waiting on little ole me, I simply said, “I’m doing my best.” After she drove off, I kind of kicked myself for not ending that sentence with “bitch.”

I know it seems like an easy job, and for most of the time I am out there, it is. But there are about five minutes where the traffic, both auto and foot, is very high, and it is an intense job.

To that lady who yelled at my VOLUNTEER work today, I’d just like to say, if you think you can do a better job, I’ll show you where to get the brightly colored fashion-statement jacket, and I welcome you to do some VOLUNTEER work yourself. Bitch.

How Do You Say Box Wine in Mandarin Chinese?

2009-09-18T14:31:00.001-07:00

I’ve been a bit absent lately for a couple of reasons. First, I haven’t been feeling all that great, but I am happy to report that I am starting to feel better. Hooray! Second, my head is going to pop thinking about some life changes coming down the pipeline. You know, little things.

Like what, you ask?

LIKE MOVING TO BEIJING, CHINA FOR 6 MONTHS!

Yup. You read right. Now, it isn’t etched in stone, but Greg’s work wants to send him to Beijing to train a new group of people in the art of game making. And being a stay-at-home mom, there is no reason why we can’t go along with him for this uber cultural experience. Now, I have to admit that at first I was all WHAT? CHINA? BUT… BUT… AGH!

*pop* <--- The sound of my head exploding.

And then I started talking to people who were all CHINA! COOL! WHAT AN EXPERIENCE!!! So, I actually started to think about it seriously, and now I’m very excited about it. I’m nervous beyond belief about everything we need to do to prepare a family for this temporary move, but also very excited. I’m nervous about the submersion into a culture with which I’m not hugely familiar, but also challenged. So far to get prepared, we have:

shown the kids on google earth where Beijing is (“the other side of the world”)
checked out a bunch of books and movies from the library about Beijing and Chinese culture
checked out a Mandarin Chinese language program from the library
scoured the Internet on expat experiences and recommendations
asked about a bazillion questions
created to do list after to do list
started recording Ni Hao, Kai-Lan on Nickelodeon

So, I’ve only learned a couple of words in Mandarin Chinese so far. It is a very tough language to learn. OK, maybe it’s that I’m older now and it doesn’t stick to my I-have-had-two-kids-and-subsequently-lots-of-wine brain. Whatever the reason, I remember one word and forget the last one I learned. It’s freakin’ hard! Nothing like the Spanish and French I learned in school. So, thanks to Kai-Lan and her grandpa, I have learned:

Ni hao – hello
la – pull
yeah-yeah – grandpa

As you can see, I have a lot of work to do. Since the language relies a lot on tone to deliver meaning, one word or sound can have multiple meanings depending on the way it is said. The word for wine, from what I understand, can mean old, nine, or wine. So, when I go into the store asking for box wine, I’m either going to get beat up for calling someone old, going to be constantly escorted to aisle nine, or going to get the golden liquid that I desire. Please, please, keep your fingers crossed for the latter.

Bouncy Houses for God

2009-09-09T15:25:00.001-07:00

I am appalled by the amount of shit that hit the fan when the President of our United States wanted to address the students of our country. Parents threatening to not send their kids to school. Facebook was crawling with polls about this “controversial speaking to students”. News sites were reporting stories of parents freaking out with worry that their children were going to be brainwashed. And all of these panties in a bunch and ruffled feathers were for what? Because the President wanted to encourage students to take an active role in their education.

GASP!

He wanted to talk to them about the value of an education.

OH THE HORROR!

He wanted to energize kids who might find school difficult.

WHAT WAS HE THINKING?

He wanted to express the importance of doing homework.

WHO WANTS THAT?

My Kindergartener did not get to see President Obama’s speech. I wanted him to, but he didn’t get to. His class didn’t see it. I have not found out yet why this is. Did enough people call and complain? Did the school district as a whole decide they weren’t going to air President Obama’s address to their students? Did they think Kindergarteners wouldn’t watch?

On the VERY SAME DAY that my son DID NOT see an encouraging speech from the President of the United States, he came home with a flier he had been given for a “community event” hosted by a religious organization. Cross on the flier and all. But they are giving away a Wii! But there will be seven different bouncy houses! What kid wouldn’t be enticed by that? Apparently the school district can get away with pushing a religious event (let’s call a spade a spade) by placing the following disclaimer at the bottom:

Distribution of this material does not constitute an endorsement by the school district. It is provided as a community service.

So, I’m trying to wrap my brain around this one. Work with me here.

Encouraging speech for the students?

No.

Religious propaganda distributed through school?

Yes.

Students enlightened by a President who cares about them?

No.

Schools encouraging bouncy houses for God?

Yes.

OK, I’m still trying to wrap my head around this very whacked scenario. It may take me a while… Thinking… thinking… thinking…

Nope. I don’t get it. You?