In the interest of full disclosure: I owe Chuck Norris a favor. It was by introducing his “facts” to the mainstream audience back in 2006, that I first established this blog as a premier source for martial arts humor, news, fact and opinion. As payback, he has kindly allowed me to review his latest book, “The Official Chuck Norris Fact Book.”

This, Chuck’s seventh book (!), juxtaposes 101 of his favorite and least obscene Internet-spawned “facts”, with real stories from his life as tournament fighter, actor, and speedboat racer. Total damage: three hundred and five pages.

Did you know?

It is no coincidence that “The Official Chuck Norris Fact Book” was published by Tyndale House, also responsible for the popular Rapture-porn series “Left Behind”. While Chuck owes no apologies for celebrating his Christian values here in some rather tedious and repetitive vignettes, the party ends early for the reader. To be fair, this is one jeremiad with excellent illustrations.

It is not so much the presence of religion and politics in this book, but their shallow and humorless treatment that offends. (The 2008 gas price shock is seemingly blamed on “foreigners,” with free-market capitalism offered as a solution.) Fortunately, the book is leavened with a prominent “Chuck Norris fact” on every third or fourth page, and many of the anecdotes that stay away from these two difficult topics are genuinely interesting.

Did you know?

Those who fancy themselves as conservative soldiers in America’s “Culture War” will undoubtedly love this book. Those unfamiliar with Chuck Norris facts will also like it. For everyone else, a little Christian patience may be required.

* All the facts listed on this page are true!

Maj. Gen. Albert N. Stubblebine III: The key to all of this…it has nothing to do with bending metal [spoons]…Lord Mercy, if I can do that with my mind, what else can I do? It wasn’t clear whether they thought I was nuts. In any event, the reaction that I got was, “we’re not very interested.”

But as Jon Ronson’s investigation shows, they were in fact very interested. During the last few decades, the United States military has conducted a series of experiments in psychic warfare. On the record, these attempts to create superhuman “warrior monks” for a “First Earth Battalion” were a complete failure. (Off the record, you have no need to know.)

One of the least successful experiments is parodied in the new Hollywood comedy “The Men Who Stare at Goats,” and further documented in a book of the same name. It is also covered in the British documentary “Crazy Rulers of the World”, which you may watch for free below.

It seems that Jon Ronson never asked Major General Stubblebine why he believed that, with enough training, he could walk through walls. The answer, in case you were wondering, is that a few Yogis and Qigong experts have allegedly demonstrated it. He also never questioned how Stubblebine’s coveted army of super-soldiers could possibly bring an end to all war–the most absurd claim in this entire program. (Psychic ability is almost mundane by comparison, and has been covered here previously.)

(If these video links die, you can also try Mojvideo.)

If you’re being chased by an angry bull, and then you notice you’re also being chased by a swarm of bees, it doesn’t really change things. Just keep on running.

How to Fend Off a Shark

Hit back. If a shark is coming toward you or attacks you, use anything you have in your possession—a camera, probe, harpoon gun, or fist—to hit the shark’s eyes or gills, which are the areas most sensitive to pain. These nose is not as sensitive as these areas.

Make quick, sharp, repeated jabs in these areas. Sharks are predators and will usually only follow through on an attack if they have the advantage, so making the shark unsure of its advantage in any way will increase your chances of survival. Hitting the shark simply tell it that you are not defenseless.

How to Escape From a Mountain Lion

Do not run. The animal most likely will have seen and smelled you already, and running will simply cause it to pay more attention.

Try to make yourself appear bigger by opening your coat wide. The mountain lion is less likely to attack a larger animal. Wave your hands and shout.

Back away slowly or wait until the animal moves away. Do not crouch down. If the lion still behaves aggressively, throw stones.

How to Evade Killer Bees

If bees begin stinging you, do not freeze. Run away. Swatting at the bees will only make them angrier.

If no shelter is available, run through bushes or high weeds. Do not jump into the water—the bees may decide to wait until you surface, and sting you some more.

Bonus Tip: How to Box a Gorilla

Use agile footwork to dodge the gorilla’s powerful strikes. Some gorillas favor wild haymaker punches, which are easily avoided.

Select the proper fighting style. Northern Chinese Kung Fu seems to work best. Wrestling and grappling techniques are largely ineffective in gorilla warfare.

Shark, lion, and bee tips courtesy of the Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook. Deep thoughts courtesy of Jack Handey. Gorilla tips courtesy of “Bruce Lee the Invincible”.

Google defines freedom as “the condition of being free; the power to act or speak or think without externally imposed restraints.” Popular culture and public schools promote this childlike view of freedom, wherein our supposed inherent rights are actually another person’s liabilities.

By declaring health to be our inalienable human right, we would compel a doctor to treat us; by asserting the right to a minimum standard of living, we compel another to provide the necessary wealth; and so on. Such entitlements are clearly not inherent, or universal, or inalienable, as they are entirely dependent on the action (or inaction) of someone else.

It is not these wishes-cum-rights that are truly inherent and universal, but the limitations they seek to overcome. Paradoxically, we come to understand genuine human freedom through the experience of poverty, sickness, danger and death. For example, the danger of unarmed combat.

Although sparring is often regarded as a mere cardiovascular conditioning routine, its real value is disillusionment. As our opponent is raining blows upon us, we realize that our most basic guaranteed “right to safety” is a soothing but meaningless proclamation. Aside from ourselves, there is no party with the motivation, means and opportunity to guarantee it.

In the end, the only freedom we possess is that which we can personally hold onto while under attack. For those who lose their composure and give in to fear—on or off the mat, inside or outside the dojo—there is demonstrably no choice and no freedom whatsoever.

Our sole inalienable liberty is not a freedom from circumstances, nor is it a freedom from consequences; those are only childish fantasies. It is not even the right to life, which is in all cases temporary. Our most basic freedom is self-determination—for those who can keep it.

God and guns were so important to our founders that they established our protection to exercise them in the first two amendments to our Constitution-–the uninhibited and unrestricted freedom to choose our own religion and bear our own firearms.

But, more and more, these pillars of American life and liberty are being attacked and abandoned, not only out of sheer bias but ignorance of our founders, the Revolutionary period and our Constitution. Instead, these pivotal American rights have become the brunt end of cultural jokes and are often regarded as biased lifestyle components of “rednecks” and rural citizens.

The indifference, lack of education about and passion for all of our Bill of Rights gravely concerns me. And while there is nothing funny about it, it is one of many reasons why roughly one-fifth of the 101 short stories are “freedom” entries in my new book, “The Official Chuck Norris Fact Book,” a fun yet inspirational and educational book in which I share my 101 favorite Chuck Norris facts–-embedded within five core values: freedom, family, faith, fitness and fight.

Here’s “Freedom” entry No. 49 on the Second Amendment:

Official Chuck Norris Fact No. 49: “Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.”

There has been some movement in our country to get away from our Second Amendment rights. Last year, the Supreme Court even wrangled over the question, should the government allow private citizens or only public servants (”state militias”) “to keep and bear arms”?

Is someone joking? Could the 27 words of the Second Amendment be any clearer? “A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed”.

Do you agree or disagree with Chuck Norris? Why?

After Springfield’s men become obsessed with Ultimate Fighting Ultimate Punching events, Marge steps into the Octagon Septagon to battle the sport’s charismatic founder.

For almost twenty years, Qi Magazine featured original articles on kung fu, qigong, and other facets of Chinese culture, many written specifically by and for martial artists. (Qi Magazine is not to be confused with Qi Journal, which seems more targeted to the Goji berry set.)

Qi Magazine ceased production in early 2009, and publisher Michael Tse has since opened the archives. Each of the ninety issues is now available for free download in PDF format. Read two issues every week; that should keep you busy until next year.

Through this intensive practice, you progressed rapidly. What experiences and events marked this progress? In what manner was your brain “transformed”?

The first energy transmission I had from Master Chunyi Lin was this flash of light (while my eyes were closed)…very bright, and my whole body filled with this amazing deep bliss. (Chunyi Lin was first healed by Yan Xin and later studied with Yan Xin’s teacher!) When Chunyi Lin walks into the room, you can immediately feel the whole room fill with this magnetic bliss energy.

One day, after a Spring Forest Qigong Level 2 class, Chunyi Lin stared through my body at my right kidney, and I felt this amazing laser bliss right on my kidney. By that point, I knew that Chunyi Lin had profound healing energy.

At the guild meetings, Chunyi Lin would stand in the front of the auditorium and I would see this bright yellow orb of light shooting out of his head.

“I moved 9 times looking for a quiet place, but mundane energy imbalances always intruded…I felt like I had come back from the dead and only consciousness was real.”

As the bliss and electromagnetic energy increased with more and more full-lotus sitting, I realized that there was water flowing from my brain! It was like an electrolysis converting the hydrogen and oxygen in the atmosphere into water through the electromagnetic fields of my third eye. Water poured into my belly, and I realized that this must be the “ambrosia” [described in neidan training manuals]. The top of my skull got soft, and amazingly it started pulsating with electromagnetic energy.

Does the full-lotus meditation posture have any special significance?

Chunyi Lin states that 20 minutes of full-lotus yoga or padmasana (with the ankles up on the thighs, legs crossed, left leg first and right on top) is worth 4 hours of any other meditation practice—if you want to see whether someone is an energy master, just see how long they can sit in full-lotus.

Through my own research, I discovered that yin and yang were originally music ratios—nonwestern music, which uses complementary opposites. (It’s very abstract reasoning, but something I had discovered from my music training while in high school.) I verified that 2:3, the Perfect 5th is Yang and 3:4, the Perfect 4th is Yin. The specific source is in my master’s thesis, “Epicenters of Justice” (2001) which is readable freely online. In short…

Nonwestern music healing works by transducing sound through natural resonance of frequency, to create ultrasound which ionizes the serotonin in the stomach. The more you listen to the source of sound, which is pure consciousness, the more electromagnetic chi energy is created; finally it turns into shen (spirit light). The full-lotus is a tetrahedron—pyramid power—which is composed of eight 2-3-4 triangles.

“I gave my car away. I began eating meat, and dumpster-diving for food. My focus in life was no longer activism; it was qigong.”

In Western science, the equilateral triangle requires the irrational number for geometric magnitude, but in music ratios of complementary opposites–from Pythagorean harmonics and Taoist yin and yang—the full-lotus pressure creates frequency resonance for turning matter into energy. Since the tetrahedron most efficiently creates the yin-yang ratios, the energy creation is fastest there.

How have these experiences affected your outlook on life, and your relationships with other people?

I started having precognitive visions in my full-lotus meditation, but I also was extremely sensitive to the energy imbalances around me. I desperately wanted a quiet place to meditate. I researched intensely all the monasteries around the world, and various other spiritual gurus and masters. I thought that if only I could find a better environment, then I could deepen my meditation. Amazingly I could not find a teacher who seemed on the level of Chunyi Lin—his ability is truly rare.

I moved 9 times looking for a quiet place, but mundane energy imbalances always intruded. I continued taking classes, but not at the same intensity of practice on my part. I stopped my special diet. I felt like I had come back from the dead and only consciousness was real.

My degree was over, and my funding was gone. I gave my car away. I began eating meat, and dumpster-diving for food. My focus in life was no longer activism; it was qigong.

I had no choice about it, and I still am trying to adjust. My experience was similar to that of Wang Liping, who was told to move back into society after his training (in the book “Opening the Dragon Gate“)…only I didn’t make the transition successfully. Ha ha.

I continued my research intensely, “reverse-engineering reality” by comparing science with my own experiences. I discovered some amazing things about the vagus nerve transducing serotonin and anaerobic bacteria. I discovered, by accident, what I call the “O at a D”: psychic mutual climaxes with females.

When Jim Nance, Chunyi Lin’s qigong master assistant, asked me to help him write a book on his training, Lin stated that the spirits would not like this. It seems controlling, but Jim Nance completely respects this, and even mentioned to me that it’s better to not post on the Internet.

Do you have any advice to offer those who are interested in qigong, but unsure quite where to start?

Chunyi Lin

The exercises that Chunyi Lin teaches are extremely simple and yet very effective. The “Small Universe” Level 1 CD is the same as the “Microcosmic Orbit” that Mantak Chia teaches. That is also the focus of the book “Taoist Yoga: Alchemy and Immortality”. Chunyi Lin has stated that the Small Universe is the foundation practice and can take you to the highest level. “Taoist Yoga” explains these steps in detail.

Anyone can practice the small universe—a paralyzed man in England healed himself just after the first session! I wholeheartedly recommend his Spring Forest Qigong meditation practice.

Enjoy the energy is my advice.

I’ve spent a lot of time online answering questions from readers, and I’ve posted on many forums to seek critical feedback, knowing that my peers are my greatest critics. So I’m always happy to learn from any readers, and enjoy learning about their qigong experiences as well.

Drew Hempel’s book, “Trance Songs: How to Make Love to the Universe”, is available at Lulu and Amazon. Drew currently blogs at Natural Resonance Revolution.

Drew, how were you first introduced to the ancient art of qigong?

I first discovered Taoism back in the 1970s, in first grade. My best friend at the time was adopted from Korea. He told me he always got his lunch from “Tao Foods” [a local grocery store], so that made me wonder what it was about.

Later, in 1995 I noticed a flyer posted to see qigong master Effie P. Chow, a Chinese master who lives in San Francisco. Immediately I wanted to go, but I was also skeptical of New Age gimmicks. I actually called to request a lower entrance fee, and amazingly I was told I could get in half price.

So Effie Chow was your first teacher?

My girlfriend joined me at the seminar, at St. Catherine’s University. Effie P. Chow had us make an energy ball. I could feel this strong electromagnetic resistance between my hands. Effie projected chi at people walking towards her, and she said that she could be attacked by huge muscle men and it wouldn’t matter—even though she’s a little lady, she could sense their energy and then redirect their energy, adding it to her own. My girlfriend remained skeptical.

As everyone was leaving, this big female security guard wandered in, wondering what was going on in here. She then stated that the fuse blew for the room behind us! (Hardly anyone heard this—it wasn’t staged or meant for any audience.)

After further researching qigong, I traveled to San Francisco to see if I could meet with Effie P. Chow again. I stayed with my Chinese high-school friend who had moved out there. Effie P. Chow was not readily available—at least at my budget, of next to no funds!

I returned home, and I kept researching the issue. By 1998 I was taking Yan Xin qigong with the Chinese community at the University of Minnesota. Again I felt strong, blissful heat from the meditation practice.

Later on, I attended a talk from a Tibetan monk—a lama meditation master. I realized I had this headache from concentrating hard, listening to his amazingly profound lecture, only it was focused on the very center point of my forehead. It didn’t hurt, it was just a strong pressure. I was really psyched.

Did you learn from other masters too?

The Chinese produced a government documentary called “Yan Xin, Superman,” showing Master Yan Xin giving chi healing lectures in stadiums filled with thousands of people. (Yan Xin has tested his qigong with the help of nuclear physicists and other scientists.) The dialogue was all in Chinese, but the people in the room translated for me.

One of my Chinese fellow students was really serious. When I ran into him on campus, he told me to continue practice in secret. His roommates didn’t know about his practice…but I could FEEL electromagnetic fields emanating from his body!

Why did he advise you to practice in secret? How did you expect people to react, if they discovered your active interest in qigong?

Serious meditation is anathema in our culture. People react to the energy. It is a transformative experience, based on the philosophy of existing within a larger consciousness containing yourself and others.

I’ve had a wide-range of reactions to my practice: people ecstatic with joy, total strangers thanking me. (It’s important not to stare while in a trance, sitting in full-lotus. Ha ha.)

Meanwhile, back at the U of MN, my housemate told me she had studied qigong with a local man named Chunyi Lin. I was intrigued, but she didn’t offer more information and I didn’t think much of it.

Later on, that same man made a presentation to my graduate class in spiritual healing (which incidentally was taught by a Jesuit priest).

Many qigong instructors make incredible claims about their abilities. What led you to believe that Chunyi Lin was a genuine master?

I had previously read Effie P. Chow’s “Miracle Healing from China”, plus many other books. I could feel Chunyi Lin’s energy right away, and could compare it with my previous experiences.

In 1999 I took his Spring Forest Qigong Level 1 course. When Chunyi Lin walked around the class, he shook his fingers at you while you were doing his simple standing exercise. There was no touching, but my body filled with bliss and I saw this amazing light. When my beautiful girlfriend picked me up, I had to admit to myself that what I had just experienced was a deeper love than anything I had experienced before.

Not until 2000 was I able to study qigong intensively with Chunyi Lin. Since I was on a special diet, and practiced several hours a day while reading and meditating, things progressed rapidly. By the end of the year, I had transformed my brain and had experienced many paranormal phenomena.

Your training included a special diet?

Diet is the most difficult aspect of practice, after emotional blockages. In the book “Beyond Telepathy“, Dr. Andrija Puharich argues that potassium enables a proton magnetic momentum—a plasma. I read elsewhere that chloride is the negative ion while potassium and sodium are slightly different positive ions. So basically, you are ionizing your body by not eating salt…I had to figure this out from experience and then my own research.

Initially, I was skeptical about a no-salt diet, but I read that vegetables would provide me with enough sodium. In fact, salt is mainly needed to counteract the acid from grains (”bigu”, the energy feast, means literally “without grains”). Just to be safe though, I used Braggs Soy Sauce, which is a vegetable sodium salt substitute.

Did you have to rearrange your schedule to allow this intensive training? How did you support yourself and pay your bills during this time?

In 2000, I was working at Clean Water Action for 10 hours a week, and living just a mile bike ride from work. I was a part-time graduate student at the University of Minnesota, completing a self-designed masters degree through the Liberal Studies Program. My father paid for my school, and provided $500 a month for books and living expenses. I devoted my master’s degree to volunteering in sustainability activism.

There I organized a campaign to divest $1.5 million from Total Oil, since they used slave labor in Burma. Later, I focused on the University’s clothing contracts with sweatshops, achieving the goal of having the University join the Workers Rights Consortium.

This work was very intense, and I experienced firsthand amazing corruption at the highest levels of power. So I dropped out of school; I could not agree to accept a degree after directly experiencing the hypocrisy of society.

I eventually readmitted to finish my degree, on the condition that I would do my final self-directed research by taking qigong classes with Master Chunyi Lin, through a community college. (This was formally supervised by the chair of the African Studies department, as a study in non-Western non-dualism philosophy.)

I lived right next to a cooperative food store, so I had the finest (salt-free, vegetarian) diet and I was able to focus all my attention on reading and researching meditation. I ordered rare books through the University’s inter-library loan system, used the University database for research, and stayed in my room to practice Spring Forest Qigong exercises many hours a day.

I read Mantak Chia’s work, and I read “Taoist Yoga: Alchemy and Immortality”. I read spiritual and religious books from India and Thailand.

I also had a car at that time, so I would drive to the Spring Forest Qigong classes and retreats. I attended the Spring Forest Qigong guild meetings, where the students meet once or twice a month to practice healing on each other.

Continue to interview part 2…

Mantak Chia was born in Bangkok, Thailand in 1944. His pursuit of Taoist teachings led him to meet the White Cloud Hermit Master Yi, a Taoist Master living in the mountains near from Hong Kong.

The author of dozens of books, booklets, videos and CDs describing these practices, Master Mantak Chia has taught hundreds of thousands of eager students the principles of Taoist internal practice over the past 40 years.

Following is an excerpt from a recent Blog Talk Radio interview with Mantak Chia:

Lama Tantrapa: What is the purpose of qigong practice?

Mantak Chia: The initial purpose of qigong practice is to become stronger, to heal yourself, and increase your wisdom and knowledge. The early stages are like Taiji, and afterwards we can begin what we call supreme inner alchemy practice.

LT: After a person has achieved good health, does that purpose change?

MC: Yes. In neidan or inner alchemy practice, you learn to condense your energy, and transform the physical material of the body into energy, for spiritual growth…Taoists believe that, like the physical body, the spirit requires careful nurturing to reach maturity.

LT: Do sexual practices play a role in this process?

MC: Jing qi, or sexual energy, is the most powerful energy we have. It is like “baby formula” for the spirit. Normally, the body will sacrifice this energy during sex, for the purpose of creating children…if you don’t know how to practice, then between sexual arousal and orgasm, the energy is lost.

The process begins with physical discipline. Sex, drugs, even coffee…these cause a loss of energy, even though an addict feels listless without them…after experiencing the bliss of practice, these addictions will lose their hold.

LT: Tell us about your own learning progression.

MC: I first learned how to open the microcosmic orbit. Everything in the universe, down to the smallest electron, moves in an orbit…

Even before this though, you must learn how to control your emotions. Negative emotions will disturb you and waste your life force. The inner smile technique can remove these negative emotions.

To listen to this entire interview–or other interviews with Scott Sonnon, B.K. Frantzis, Sam Masich, Ken Cohen, Dr. Effie Chow and more–visit Secrets of the Qigong Masters.