Marty and The News

February 28th Edition

2014-02-28T12:18:00.000-08:00

Fans of death penalty ask people to stop looking into cases of those that have already been executed. Those against the death penalty usually point to the fact that innocent people are being executed as a reason to stop it. Death penalty supporters say this is because people won't let the cases go. Especially after they have already been executed. "We'd never know if these people were guilty or innocent if people would just stop looking into these cases after they've already been sentenced," says death penalty fan Charles Smith. "We'd never have to feel guilty about killing an innocent man if people could just let it go. Instead they have to go and make us feel bad every time they find someone who was innocent. Which happens, at most, 20 percent of the time."

Lonely weird guy

Man complains about being in solitary confinement for over 15 years for a crime he didn't commit, doesn't realize life would have been just as lonely for him out of prison. At the age of 22, Damon Thibodeaux was convicted in 1997 of killing a 14-year-old girl. He was released in 2012 after it was discovered he didn't kill anyone. Now he's complaining about it. He complains a lot about how lonely he was. What he doesn't realize, because he didn't have a mirror in solitary, is that he is a goofy looking guy. Had he not gone to jail, he still would have spent his life alone. Only he wouldn't have had a legitimate reason to be alone like he did by being in jail. He would have just spent all of his time alone because nobody wanted to talk to him or be seen with him. Since being released from prison, Thibodeaux has spent the last two years all alone. He blames it on the solitary confinement he endured for 15 years. He thinks he doesn't have the social skills to interact with people because of the 15 years in solitary. Experts say the solitary confinement has nothing to do with it. He's just a weird looking guy that no one likes.

Bill O'Reilly says he doesn't like rap, but does enjoy Eminem and "other guys that look like him" on occasion. O'Reilly took to the airwaves to say we need to get rid of "these guys with the hats on backwards, and the terrible rap lyrics and the drugs and all of that." O'Reilly beat people to the punch by saying it has nothing to do with race or the music. He just doesn't like the lifestyle. He explained the he really likes listening to some rap. Eminem and "other guys that look like him" are his favorites. He just can't condone the "lifestyles" of people like Jay-Z and Kanye West.

Suicidal man's death blamed on his love for iPhone. Texas man Rex Benson was fed up with life and decided to end it all. He wanted to burn himself alive in his home. The last place he really loved. He thought it would be fitting if the two were to go out together. What Benson didn't realize, is that his daughter and son were both in the house when he started the fire. Benson helped his son and daughter escape the house. Benson couldn't bear the sight of his house burning down in front of him unless he was inside dying as well. Realizing he left his iPhone, Benson used it as an excuse to go back inside the house. Benson didn't even try to find his iPhone. He sat in his favorite chair and died.

Looking towards the end?

Hillary Clinton dying? That's the word on the street. At first people just thought it was a really bad cold. It's now widely believed that she has a brain tumor. Now people are saying she is so sick, she may not run for President in 2016.

Mom upset that 25-year-old daughter still poops in diapers, throws diaper at her face. Or something like that.

Family tries to kill their dad by pretending he's already dead. The Williams family was able to convince enough people that their dad died that he made it all the way to a funeral home in a body bag. Funeral home workers were preparing to embalm Walter Williams' dead body when he started kicking and screaming in the body bag. Williams was taken to the hospital, where nothing wrong with him was found. Williams told his family that he's happy to be alive, but he doesn't understand how this happened. In the kitchen, behind his back, family members placed blame on each other for him becoming conscious right before he was embalmed.

Fashion faux paux

Substitute teacher arrested for wearing ugly ass vest while furiously masturbating in hallway. Michael Luecke made a big mistake when he decided to wear, what school officials are calling, an "ugly ass vest" to teach at Westhill High School. The high school is located in Stamford Connecticut. An area of the country that is know for it's snobby attitude towards fashion. Luecke was spotted wearing the vest in the hallway by another teacher. She also noticed that Luecke had his hand down his pants and was "moving it around" while looking at the students. She was so disgusted by Luecke's fashion choice, she went to tell school administrators about what was being worn in their school. School officials contacted police who arrested Luecke at the school. Police say they will not release the video of Luecke wearing the vest while masturbating, but they did release a picture and details of the video.

Surveillance video of the scene shows Luecke in a stairwell wearing an ugly ass vest suspiciously manipulating the front of his pants while looking at students in the courtyard.

The sub then vanishes behind some lockers for a moment. Then, he reappears, lying on his back on the floor, focused on the task at hand and still wearing that hideous vest. At some point, the shocked teacher discovered him — but not before a half dozen students stroll by and see the man wearing the world's worst vest.

Police say they are lucky the man was also masturbating while wearing the vest. Otherwise, they wouldn't have been able to arrest him. Police also say they wouldn't have arrested him if he weren't wearing the vest. They would have just politely asked him to stop masturbating, or at the very least, stop being so furious about it.

That's it. That's the news.

February 26th Edition

2014-02-26T13:15:00.001-08:00

Four million people have signed up for Obamacare, George W. Bush is surprised half the country has already signed up. The number of people that have signed up for Obamacare are very low, but not according to one former President. "Wow!" Said Bush. "Four million, already. I didn't think that many people would sign up for that Obamacare. Boy was I wrong. Half the country has already signed up." Bush was only off on the population of the United States by roughly 306 million. Since making his comments, Bush has taken to Twitter to explain that he was joking. "My comments on Obamacare were a joke. What do they call it, sarcasm? I was being sarcasm," tweeted Bush.

Another fast food patron looks at their receipt too closely. An alarming trend of customers looking to closely at their receipt has griped the country. In the old days, nobody looked at their receipt. Except in the rare circumstances they forgot their order number. "Bitch ass hoes."That's the name that left an elderly grandmother in tears. A Burger King employee printed the name on elderly woman's receipt. Apparently because the elderly woman and her granddaughter were being "bitch ass hoes." The manger of the Burger King told the woman that she shouldn't have looked at the receipt.

Random cat picture

Former New England Patriots turned probable murder, Aaron Hernandez, beats up guy in prison. TMZ reports that inmate was harassing Hernandez, so he had it coming.

Woman tricks boyfriend into killing himself under the guise of gun safety. Sarah was fed up with her boyfriends douchey ways and wanted to put an end to him. She didn't want to do it herself however, so she devised a plan for him to kill himself. For days on end, Sarah constantly nagged and complained about his guns and how unsafe they were to have in the house. Especially around their children. The boyfriend eventually set out to show her how safe the guns were. He grabbed his three guns and pointed each one to his head and pulled the trigger. What he didn't know, is that Sarah had put a bullet in one of the guns a few days prior. The first two gun did nothing when the man pulled the trigger. Sarah even played along and had him point the second gun at her and pull the trigger after nothing happened when he pointed it at himself. Sarah was in the middle of apologizing for saying the guns weren't safe when her boyfriend killed himself by pointing the third gun at his head and pulling the trigger.

NFL may move Super Bowl from Arizona if anti-gay is passed, Arizona wouldn't let Super Bowl take place if Michael Sam's team were in it. The bill isn't just anti-gay, it's anti-whatever-the-hell-you-want. If it's against your religious beliefs for people to wear hats, you can refuse service to those wearing hats. Hate women? Well good news for you. You don't have to let them live in your apartment complex. As long as you belong to a religion that hates women. Which is most of them. The NFL doesn't like the law and is using the threat of taking the Super Bowl away as a deterrent to passing it. If the Super Bowl were moved from Arizona, where it is scheduled to be played in 2015, the state would lose hundreds of millions of dollars in revenue. Lawmakers in Arizona aren't scared however. They say it's the NFL that is scared. Under the law, Arizona could refuse at the last minute to let the Super Bowl take place if they wanted . One scenario where Arizona would stop the Super Bowl is if the team who drafts openly gay player, Michael Sam, were to make the Super Bowl.

High School senior is suspended because his dad is merely a lowly fisherman. David Duren-Sanner attends a prestigious high school in Tennessee. Most of the kids parents are doctors, lawyers are television celebrities. David's mom is a lawyer and that is how he got into the school. School officials assumed she was a single mother because she never mentioned a husband when enrolling David into the school. But when a man smelling of fish came to pick up David from school last month, the school grew suspicious. The school looked into it and it turns out the fishy man is David's father. The school informed David he would be suspended from the school for 10-days because of his father's job. According to the school, the only reason David wasn't expelled is because he was so close to graduating and his last name is hyphenated, so people will know that he is the son of the lawyer lady in town.

That's it. That's the news.

February 24th Edition

2014-02-24T09:04:00.003-08:00

Jason Collins is surprisingly the same mediocre basketball player he was before announcing he was gay, doesn't try rubbing butts with other players. When Collins came out as gay a few months, he didn't have a roster spot on a team. He had played 14 season in the NBA and was never more than a serviceable player. Many assumed a team would sign Collins for the publicity alone. It took nearly two-thirds of the season to be played before a team finally gave Collins an opportunity. The New Jersey Nets signed Collins to a 10-day contract over the weekend. He played in his first game last night. Nobody expected it, but he was the same mediocre player he was during his previous years in the NBA. Everyone thought he would become a superstar after coming out as gay, or that he would forget how to dribble and just go around trying to rub butts with other players..

John Dingell says no Congressman should ever serve 60 years. Dingell has represented Michigan in Congress for over 59 years. He's finally ready to retire, but not because he can't still get the job done. "I'm still just as capable as I was when I first stepped onto the floor in 1955," said Dingell. "I've just always said, no one man should ever serve 60 years in Congress. I'm taking my own advice and stepping down. Thank you." Dingell then forget where he was and started yelling at the reporters to "get out of his house."

Uganda defends anti-gay law by pointing out that it's now illegal to have sex with minors too. Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni was met with applause after signing the bill into law. The new law nets you 14 years in jail for having gay sex. You could get life imprisonment for repeated gay sex, sex with a minor, a disabled person and someone infected with HIV. Uganda was quick to point out the sex with minors thing to critics of the law. They claim that gay thing is just a very small part of the bill. What lawmakers failed to mention is that only homosexual activity with a minor is punishable.

Comcast takes money from Netflix and ruins the Internet. This will be the beginning of the end for Internet. It'll never be the same.

Jake "The Snake" Roberts has the sniffles of cancer. Wrestling fans don't know how to react. At first they are saddened that he has cancer. Then they realize it's just knee cancer. Which sounds like a pretty weak form of cancer. Knee cancer is like the sniffles of cancers.

3-person embryo fertilization likely not to be allowed because "it's playing God." Two-person embryo fertilization to still be allowed, because that's how God is making babies. In some beakers and stuff.

USA dominates world in winning bronze medals.

WWE Network launches today, causes one guy to half-ass his news reporting. Sorry

That's it. That's the news.

February 21st Edition

2014-02-21T07:52:00.000-08:00

Arizona passes some kind of Bill that people are upset about. All the Bill says is that people now have the right to refuse to do things if it's against the religious beliefs. An example would be if you were a restaurant owner who believed gay people shouldn't eat steak, you could force them to eat chicken instead. But that gay guy could in turn say it's against his religion to pay for chicken that he eats. I think that is how the Bill, that will likely become law, works.

Gap loudly raises minimum wage for workers in America, quietly lowers wages for workers in Bangladesh. Gap announced that by 2015 the minimum wage for all their employees would be $10 an hour. Critics of Gap have been giving praises all week because of the announcement. Gay has been criticized in the past for the way they treat their workers in Bangladesh. What Gap forgot to mention, is that the wage increase only applies to it's American employees. The workers in Bangladesh will see a decrease in pay. Gap currently pays them $7 a day. By 2015 that will be down to $3.50 a day to offset the wage increase in America.

Surgeon, druggie, cookie lover? All three?

Girl Scout sells cookies to guy in surgical gloves outside of marijuana dispensary. Rumors have been running rampant about who the man in surgical gloves is. Most agree on the fact that he is clearly a surgeon who left in the middle of surgery. They disagree on why he left while performing surgery. Was he leaving to buy some pot? Was he leaving to buy Girl Scout cookies? Was he leaving to buy both? Whatever the reason, he clearly left in the middle of surgery and happened to find a place that sold both Girl Scout cookies and pot within feet of each other. The man clearly looks interested in the cookies. Is it because he is high? What kind of surgery was the man performing? Nothing but questions surround the circumstances behind this picture. A very select few say the man works at the dispensary and he handles the marijuana with surgical gloves. Feh!

January was record breaking warm, America was cold and doesn't care. Last month was the fourth warmest January since 1880. That's when accurate records on global temperatures started being kept. America was really cold though. Most Americans are taking to the streets and protesting the claim of January being a very hot month. "I was in America for all of January," says Charles Smith. "And last I checked, America was a part of the world. I was cold as shit all month. So unless they decided to make America not be a part of the world, they can take their findings and shove 'em up their asses. Hot my ass."

Woman denies husband's request for her to hook up with his sisters by calling 911. An old man asked his somewhat-less-old wife if she'd have sex with his sisters. The lady was appalled by the request and called 911 to see if they could do anything. They could not. It's not known if the man's sisters were in on the request, or if they followed through without her.

Boy regrets carving swastika into his forehead, blames friends. Portland, Oregon teenager Dustin Murrain claims this friends took him into a shed, shot him with a BB gun, hit him with a crowbar and then carved a swastika into his forehead. Murrain's friends claim he's been talking about carving the swastika into his forehead himself for several months. This is only news because it happened in Portland. This kind of stuff happens daily in the South.

That's it. That's the news.

February 17th Edition

2014-02-17T10:54:00.002-08:00

BREAKING: Stunning new report finds that bad shit is happening in North Korea. The report, performed by UN investigators, claims that massive human rights violations are occurring. One UN guy says that, "people would be shocked by what is going on there. It's even more shocking, because there was no indication that any of this was happening."

When it comes to winning bronze medals, United States is kicking ass. The United States is currently sitting in 7th place in the medal standing for this year's Winter Olympics. They have only won 4 gold and 4 silver medals. Numbers that put them on the lower end of countries that actually have a shot to win medal standings. But if one were to look past those first two columns, they would see that the US is dominating the field. The US has won a staggering 9 bronze medals. Two more than any other country. Nine is the most medals won of any color. United States Winter Olympic spokesman, Charles Smith, had this to say of the accomplishment, "We could easily be turning those bronze medals into silver or gold. We just told our athletes to hold back this year. Let the other countries know we're there, but don't show them up. That's our motto this year. We also want to make sure those sports, that only we are good at because we made them up and other countries don't really think they are sports, stay in the olympics. In those sports especially, we've made a strong effort to make sure other countries win those events this year. We've accidentally won a few of those events, but for the most part, we're doing a good job."

Despite the cold, Kardashian still inspires

George Zimmerman blames Trayvon Martin for making his life hard. In an interview with CNN, Zimmerman let it be known to everyone that he only has to answer to God. He won't answer to anyone else because he doesn't like what they have to say. He thinks God will understand him and that he had to shoot Martin. When asked if he felt any regret over killing Martin, Zimmerman said, "look, my life would be easier had I not gone out there that night. That's for certain. But so would Martin's. Martin chose to go out there that night. A place he shouldn't have been. I was just doing my responsibility as a respected community member by following him around. Both our lives would be very different had Martin not made the choices he did that night."

Kim Kardashian bravely shows New York City that it isn't too cold to show cleavage. Just as many in the City were beginning to think they would never again be able to show cleavage, Kardashian let her breasts free. "I'm just so happy that I can be an inspiration to so many," says Kardashian.

Whatever it is, it's terrible

Football player arrested, NFL asks for player to announce he's gay. Ray Rice, of the Baltimore Ravens, was arrested for what will probably turn out to be him hitting his fiancee. Upon learning of the news, the NFL sent out an e-mail to all it's players. Urging one of them to come out as gay.

Parents claim their son drew picture of all the Presidents of the United States. Keaton, 7, will tell you he was just "drawering a pictre." Ask his parents, and they'll tell you that he was drawing all of the Presidents, unprovoked. His parents say that they were unaware that he even knew what the President was. Let alone all of them. Many are claiming that Keaton just drew a picture that happened to have 43 people in it. Which is also what Keaton says.

Über Racist

Stereotype of 'black people always kicking doors' is gaining steam. A university student in Canada emailed his fellow students a picture of US President Barack Obama kicking a door. Something that actually happened. The caption that accompanied the photo said, "Honestly midterms get out of here." The university forced the student to apologize for the picture when another student complained it was racist. The caption was also claimed to be racist because there was no comma in it. Many are claiming there was no comma in the caption because the student is Canadian and stupid, not racist.

Study finds that most studies find what they set out to find. Researchers were hoping to find that bullying affects children negatively and when they conducted their study, that's exactly what they found. "This is happening a lot more than you might think," says Charles Smith, who studies studies. "Last year a group of people wanted to show that having a dog is good for your happiness. That's exactly what they found. The last time a study didn't find what it wanted was in 1997."

That's it. That's the news.

February 14th Edtion

2014-02-14T08:00:00.001-08:00

Despite several sexual assault accusations involving comedians, people still believe comics can get it any time they want from whomever they want. Everyone knows about the recent allegations that are being brought back up against Woody Allen. Everyone forgets about the allegations Bill Cosby faced in the '70s and 2004. If comedians of those caliber have to assault people to get their sex, now maybe people will stop thinking comedians get all the tail.

Russian skater withdraws from Olympics and retires, will be found dead soon. Evgeni Plushenko, 31, withdrew after he claims he hurt himself while trying to land a triple-axle. Plushenko is the only figure skater in the modern-era to win medals at four different Olympics. What years the modern-era of figure skating covers is not known. Plushenko was Russia's only chance to medal in men's figure skating. He was the only Russian in the event. Plushenko skated towards the judges after his name was announced, told them he was withdrawing and then apologized to the crowd. Most assume Plushenko will be found dead of "mysterious causes" by the end of the month.

Men in Congo trying to spread terror, succeeding. The group has confirmed that their only goal is to "spread terror." They have accomplished this by traveling about the Congo wielding machetes. So far, they have executed over 70 people.

Topless babes

Cover models take off tops for 50th anniversary of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. See photo.

Senators Ted Cruz (R-Texas) and Mike Lee (R-Utah) attempt to slow rumors of their gay relationship. Fearing that they are soon to be discovered, the two men devised a plan to trick people into thinking they aren't gay. Cruz introduced an Anti-Gay Marriage Bill to throw people off the gay scent. The only problem is that Lee is the only co-sponsor of the bill. Senators have long thought the two were in a relationship and most are saying that this is the proof they need. Senators who agree with the Bill in theory are afraid to sponsor it for fear they will be tied into the relationship. An anonymous Senator was quoted as saying, "I don't want people thinking I'm a part of some kind of gay orgy."

Heroic horse returns Amish family to their farm before dying. We'll call the horse Hero, but it's Amish tradition to not name their horses. Hero was pulling a buggy that seated a family of five. An unidentified vehicle passed the buggy and according to the Amish family, there was a loud bang as it passed. The vehicle is only unidentified because Amish people don't know anything about cars. Rather than inspect the "firecracker like sound" the family made Hero take them the rest of the way to their farm. Hero collapsed at the farm and died. A gun shot wound to Hero's chest was found. The man charged with shooting Hero has a really stupid haircut.

Blackface is thriving in Germany. "Still not racist," say Germans. It's yet to be seen if this is like that time they said they don't hate Jewish people.

Florida woman accidentally lights dog on fire, husband burned saving dog. Some stupid bitch was spraying her dog for fleas and ticks. When she noticed a tick walking across the floor, she tried to burn it with a lighter. Intrigued, the dog got too close to the flame and immediately turned into a giant fireball. The lady's husband scooped up the furry fireball and jumped in the pool with the dog in hand. The couple didn't have the money to take the dog to the vet right after the incident, but they somehow came up with the money the next morning. Despite burns, dog and man are fine. The woman is pretty sure she killed the tick.

Woman runs around naked with baby in arms, punches things and gets blood everywhere because boyfriend didn't want to have sex. It's not known if she planned on having sex with her boyfriend while also holding the baby in her arms. I apologize for calling the last lady a stupid bitch. This lady is the bitch.

Belgium gives terminally ill children the right to die. People who don't understand the meaning of terminally ill are outraged.

WTF?

Snow in North Carolina cause drivers to freak the fu*k out. Lady takes photo of chaos, but pretends to only be taking picture of her friend talking on the phone.

Teen's parachute malfunctions, bravely admits she was scared. Makenzie Wethington, 16, says she doesn't remember much about her skydiving experience from 3,500 feet. What she does remember is that her parachute didn't work and that she was scared. What she forgot was that some dude was strapped to her back and his parachute opened just fine.

That's it. That's the news.

February 12th Editon

2014-02-12T08:00:00.000-08:00

Nutritionists may start using snow machines near fast food establishments. McDonald's sales fell 3.3 percent last month and experts are blaming the poor weather. Health expert Charles Smith says that nutritionists have been trying for decades to find ways to get people to not eat fast food. Turns out all they needed was little snow. Nutritionists are now considering using snow machines near fast food joints to deter people from going. Some argue that those who didn't go to McDonald's because of weather, just sat at home and ate nothing. Which is worse than just going to McDonald's. The rebuttal has been to also use snow machines at people's homes.

Woman is very upset that McDonald's never gets her order right. When McDonald's messed up the woman's order, they promised that her next order would be free. After they messed up her free order, she fired a gunshot into the driv-thru window.

Smug asshole, Joe Darger, and wives

Polygamist with normal looking wives is smug asshole. Joe Darger claims to the the best polygamist in history because his wives are all somewhat normal looking ladies. They don't wear weird clothes either. What he never mentions, is that two of them are twins and the other is their cousin. A fact that puts him back into normal polygamy territory of weird.

Tom Brokaw admits he only knows guys with cancer. Brokaw has famously always called himself the "luckiest guy I know." Upon telling everyone that he has cancer, many expected his opinion of himself to change. But despite his cancer, Brokaw still says, "I remain the luckiest guy I know." Brokaw went on to admit that "he only knows guys with cancer."

Michael Jordan fails to produce the next great basketball star, again. When it was learned that Jordan would be having twins, hopes were high that one of them would become the next great basketball legend. Jordan had twin daughters. Putting a stop to all of the 'next great basketball star' talk. This is the fifth time Jordan has failed to produce. The first two times was with his sons Jeffrey and Marcus. Both of who never amounted to be much in the basketball department. Jordan's third child as also a girl.

Winter Olympic athletes being outed as junior varsity athletes. Warmer temperatures at the Winter Olympics is leading to many athletes having lackluster performances. Most our outright blaming the weather. Real athletes don't make excuses.

Gay NFL prospect, Michael Sam, told his family he's gay at Denny's, during father's birthday party. Sam recently announced that he is gay. Just months before he is likely be drafted to the NFL. In an interview, Michael Sam Sr. revealed that his son told him while Sr. was celebrating his birthday at a local Denny's. Sr. says he was disappointed at first and went to drink at Applebee's. He now says he is proud of his son. Although he is still "a man and woman type of guy." Sr. also says he looks forward to the days when his son gives him enough money to not have to eat at Denny's and Applebee's.

Billy Ray Cyrus releases 'Achy Breaky 2' to remind everyone that Miley Cyrus is still his greatest contribution to music. Many, forgetting how bad of a song 'Achy Breaky Heart' was, have been saying that Billy Ray's biggest mistake in life was his daughter Miley Cyrus. With the release of 'Achy Breaky 2' Billy Ray is not only reminding everyone how bad the original was, but also that he is capable of much worse and that anything Miley has done is vastly better than anything he's done. There is also a bizarre Larry King intro to the video for some reason.

That's it. That's the news.

February 10th Edition

2014-02-10T10:00:00.000-08:00

People's fears of Rancho Feeding Corp. are confirmed. "Everytime I see the package in the store, I laugh and just skip over it," says meat buyer Megan Carlisle. "The packaging and name 'Rancho' just makes the meat come across as meat that shouldn't be trifled with." Carlisle isn't the only one who has passed over the meat for the same reasons. Last year, stores that sold meat from Rancho Feeding Corp. lost millions of dollars when they had to throw all of meat out due to it expiring on the shelves. Last week, one person bought a package of Rancho meat and died. The autopsy confirmed that the man died from eating diseased meat. Rancho Feeding Corp. has since recalled 8.7 million pounds of beef. Rancho Feeding Corp. claims this was just one bad batch of meat and that last year's meat was fine. It's likely that Rancho Feeding Corp. will have to declare bankruptcy due to the recall and possible go out of business for good. If Rancho were to go out of business today, they would go down in history as the lowest selling meat brand of all time by having only sold a 4-pack of 1/4 pound hamburgers.

Jessica Simpson shows how far she has fallen by posting a picture of a chair on Instagram. Simpson, who has now become a spokesmodel for Weight Watchers, was back on set filming a new Weight Watchers commercial after losing the weight she gained from the birth of her second child. Simpson says she lost the weight by following the Weight Watchers plan. While on the set, a picture of Simpson looking sexy and fit was taken. She posted the picture on Instagram. What she didn't notice, was that her chair was in the foreground of the picture. Her name was written on masking tape, denoting that the chair was hers. Actual stars normally have their name embroidered onto their chairs. Something Simpson always had back in her heyday.

Two more men released from prison after being wrongfully accused. Antonio Yarbough and Sharrif Wilson were released after serving 20 years each for murders in 1992. DNA evidence was used to exonerate the two men. The men received handshakes and sincere apologies on their way out of prison.

Russian speedskater strips after winning bronze medal, Putin pretends to enjoy. Olga Graf wasn't expected to medal, so when she did, she was so excited she started to stip off her clothes during her victory lap. Russian President Vladimir Putin, who was at the event, said he thought the display "was very hot." He claimed to have gotten "very aroused" by her little peep show. Putin also added that he hopes this trend continues when the dudes start skating.

Zoo feeds giraffe to lions to teach kids about giraffe anatomy. The zoo shot and killed the giraffe because they were afraid of giraffe inbreeding. The giraffe was then skinned and fed to the lions. Visitors were invited to watch the lions eat the giraffe. According to zoo spokesman Tobias Stenbaek Bro, the visitors loved watching the lions eat the giraffe. Many have displayed outrage over what took place. Stenbaek Bro said, I'm actually proud because I think we have given children a huge understanding of the anatomy of a giraffe that they wouldn't have had from watching a giraffe in a photo."

Shia LaBeouf wears paperbag over head in attempt to get people to have sex with him. Concerned that people weren't' having sex with him anymore because he was famous, LaBeouf wore a paper bag over his face. The words "I am not famous anymore" were written on the bag. LaBeouf assumes people weren't having sex with him anymore because he's famous and everything he does makes the news. Experts say LaBeouf's lack of sexual activity is probably just because no one wants to have sex with anymore.

77-year-old man finds the exact age you have to reach for mundane activities to get old people in the news. Ike Herrick received a round of applause and a newspaper article for walking on a treadmill. "It took me 27 years of walking on a treadmill, but now I'm finally old enough to get the recognition I've always deserved," says Herrick.

That's it. That's the news.

August 26th Edition

2013-08-26T10:51:00.001-07:00

United Nations vehicle severely injured by sniper-shot in Syria. The "sniper" has been fired for only being able to hit the vehicle. The UN vehicle is still in the shop. It's not known if the Toyota 4Runner will ever be able to drive again. Charles Smith, the vehicle's normal driver, says he is very sad. "I've come to terms with the fact that he'll probably never be used again for official UN business," says Smith, "but it's still hard. I just hope that one day, he'll be able to drive again and not be stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of it's life." Charles Smith meant to say tow-truck.

Former pretty good basketball player is missing, probably on drugs after finding out he didn't marry the good Kardashian. Family of the former Los Angeles Clippers, Miami Heat, Los Angles Laker and Dallas Mavericks player, Lamar Odom, say he finally realized he is married to Khloe Kardashian and not Kim Kardashian. According to his family, no one has contacted him for 72 hours and he is probably on a drug binge fueled by his depression of realizing he married the 'wrong one.' Odom had believed he'd been married to Kim for nearly four years before finding out he married Khloe.

Liz Cheney gets Wyoming in the news with her incendiary comment, rest of state nods in agreement. Cheney was in Wyoming campaigning for Senate when asked about terrorists. “I do think that we know that recruitment goes on through mosques," answered Cheney. Everyone at the rally nodded their head in agreement and uttered under their breath, "yeah, that sounds about right." Despite not hearing what Cheney had said, everyone else in the state nodded their head at that exact moment.

Group of black people wait two hours to get wings, get table, white guy feels threatened. According to Michael Brown, he and 24 of his friends and family waited "patiently" for 2 hours just to get a seat at Wild Wing Cafe. The large group was gathered to see off one of their friends who was moving out of town. When the large group was seated, a white patron of the cafe told his waiter that he felt "threatened." The white gentleman had been seen eating exorbitant amounts of wings earlier in the night. He reportedly felt threatened because the large group of people would probably slow down service to his table. A manager approached the large group to tell them of their threatening ways. A video camera was pulled out and the large group of people were removed from the restaurant for some reason. They reportedly took their party to the Sizzler across the street.

Did the peanut butter dog thing

Journalist tries to make it sound like preschool teacher took sexually explicit pictures of her students, was just her own kids and dog. Connie Ramirez, a preschool teacher in Ohio, has been charged with rape, gross sexual imposition, pandering obscenity involving a minor, and possession of criminal tools after investigators found sexually explicit images of her two children and dog. None of the pictures involve her two children and dog. She kept the dog sex stuff separate from the kid sex stuff. The preschool says she was never alone with any of the children while working there. There is no evidence, as of yet, that any of the children at the preschool are involved. This journalist just prints the facts. I don't try to make the lady sound like some kind of monster like David Lohr tried to make her sound.

Guns don't kill people, people in China with knives do. A man killed four and wounded 11 in a bus stabbing attack. The man is now the most successful knife stabber in China in recent months. The man barely bested last week's bus attack where a man killed three and wounded 12. Buses aren't the only dangerous place in China either. Last month a man killed two and injured four at the office when he was accused of violating China's one-child policy.

Lady claims "stuttering has no ill effect on preschoolers." She says she did a study on it and found that stuttering had no effect on their social, language, or emotional development skills. She admittedly didn't add the part where they are ridiculed mercilessly by their peers into her study.

Sunday Edition

2013-08-25T12:36:00.001-07:00

Syria to let United Nations inspect chemical weapons attack site, United States says "it's too late, we'll take care of this." The UN will inspect the site to figure out what is going on. The US is saying the inspection won't do anything. Many think the US is referring to fact that the attack already happened and that they should have figured it out before the attack. The spokesmen for the US stated that "we'll take care of this." When asked exactly how, he responded, "we got some bombs and missiles and stuff like that."

Supreme Court fans concerned over Ruth Bader Ginsburg's latest comments. Ginsburg said this is "one of the most activist courts in history." That comment isn't what has SCOTUS fans worried. Most nodded their head in agreement and said she could have found a better way to phrase that. What has fans worried, is that she said she wants to stay on as a justice until her health and intellect are weak. If that sounds familiar, it's because Antonin Scalia said the same thing four years ago. SCOTUS fan Charles Smith explains fan concern. "When Scalia made that comment, he was in sound mind and body, as Ginsburg is now. But over these last four years, Scalia has broken down physically and lost most of his mental faculties. They've gotten so bad, that he forget that he said he'd leave when this happened. When you ask him if he wants to step down now in his condition, he just says 'No. Me fine. I stay here. I needed here. America.' We don't want to see that happen to Ginsburg."

Collin Powell lets the world know he's a month and a half behind in his news consumption. Journalists have been asking Powell what he thinks about the verdict in the Trayvon Martin trial ever since the verdict was handed down on July 13. They'd ask Powell if George Zimmerman got a fair verdict. If he thought any new legislation would come as a result. "Powell would always respond by saying, "we'll just have to wait and see." It was always just assumed that Powell was only answering the last question and avoiding the first two, until today. While on some CBS show, Powell was once again asked what he thought about the verdict in the Trayvon Martin trial. He quickly and eagerly responded with "questionable." The host of that CBS show says Powell responded with such enthusiasm that it was clear he just found out what the verdict was an hour ago and had been waiting in anticipation for someone to ask that question. The host and producers were so dumbfounded by Powell and the fact that he obviously just learned of the verdict, that they were unable to respond. The host just sat there for 15 seconds, in stunned silence, hoping that one of the producers would be able to feed him a followup question in his earpiece. CBS eventually threw it to commercial.

Both pics are "totes" gay

Guy's photo from his 'straight years' looks more gay than photo from his 'gay years.' Homosexual oriented TV station and website Logo has asked it's viewers and readers to send in photos of themselves during their 'straight years.' People just send in pictures of them holding up pictures from when they were closeted. Much like the picture to the left. Many of the photos show vast differences. Often times, the person has switched which gender they resemble the most. Some don't really understand the project and just send in pictures that only make them look older. They don't look any more gay in the more recent photo. One man though, looks more gay in his 'straight photo' that he does in his gay photo. Some have accused the man of not even being gay and just trying to make a mockery of the project. To which the man responded, "no man, I'm totes gay." Naysayers have now recanted their accusations of him not being gay.

Denny's appears on list of least respected companies, proving the list means nothing.

Scientist who thinks birds can tell the speed limit gets laughed at by colleagues. Pierre Legagneux is pretty sure that birds know the speed limit of the roads they fly around because they are always flying away from oncoming cars just in time for them to not get hit. Other scientists say this just proves that birds know how to not run into shit. This says nothing about them knowing the speed limit. Legagneux is hopeful he'll win a Nobel Prize for his discovery.

Most worthless graph in graph history

Guy tries to stick it to Barack Obama by making graph of hurricanes by Presidency. Out of all the things Obama has said, this guy is most upset about him mentioning a study done by the Choom Climatological Institute. The study says that hurricanes are getting stronger. This guy is upset that there have been no hurricanes yet this year. He points to 1886 when there was seven hurricanes by the end of August.

New telescope to be 10 times sharper than Hubble Space Telescope, children not allowed to use. When it comes to telescopes, Hubble is the cream of the crop. It's very sharp. The sharpest. Despite being really sharp, children have been allowed to use Hubble under strict adult supervision. The new telescope will be so sharp, that children won't even be allowed to be near it. But don't worry kids, the new telescope won't be done until 2022, so you should all get your telescoping degrees. By the time the new one is done, you'll be an adult and able to use it.

*Update*

Turns out the Magellan telescope was recently upgraded to be twice as sharp as Hubble. As it is with Hubble, kids are allowed to use Magellan under strict adult supervision.

Resort employee says man "obviously didn't stay out of the water like I told him too." Erin Bayard, Australian resort employee, says she made it clear that guests were not to go into the water. "I tell everyone this at check-in," says Bayard. "I even went to this one particular guy's room to tell him to stay out of the water because I had heard rumors that he was thinking about doing it. Even after it was clear he had gone in the water, his friend tried to deny he had gone in the water. Fifteen people tell me differently. I have 15 people that will tell me he got in the water, tried to swim across and got eaten by a crocodile."

That's it. That's the News.

August 23rd Edition

2013-08-23T11:29:00.002-07:00

Steve Ballmer retires from Microsoft, in 12 months. The announcement comes after 13 years of resolute mediocrity from Ballmer. When Ballmer took over the company in 2000 from it's founder Bill Gates, Microsoft was on top of the computing world and second place wasn't even close. Microsoft is still number one it comes to software sold, but nobody really recognizes them for that. Most just see the company as a distant 3rd, behind Apple and Google. Ballmer has stuck to his word as CEO. "Microsoft will still be around in 15 years," said Ballmer, when he took over in 2000. It was thought to be a joke at the time, but he also said, "and we're going to just be average." It's apparent now he wasn't joking. Microsoft had one slip up with the XBox, which turned out to be a raving success, but Ballmer has stayed in mediocrity for the most part. Ballmer plans to keep up the mediocre pace he's established for another 12 months and then step down.

Edward Snowden accuses British newspaper of falsely attributing secrets to him. This paper in Britain published some stuff and claimed they got the information from Snowden. Snowden says he has never had any contact with that newspaper. Snowden said the Government leaked the information to the paper and are trying to blame him. Still not very interesting, but this Snowden thing seems to be a much more interesting story in Britain that it is in the US.

Girl has sex every day for a year, probably not going to have sex again. Brittany Gibbons told her husband that they could stick to their routine of having sex once every couple of weeks, or they could do it every day for a full year and then probably never again. Her husband took the year. Now that the year is over, he's starting to regret it. It should also be noted that Gibbons's husband is the first man in history to have sex every day for a year, despite every single man in the world trying to do so every year.

Millions of men living in their parent's basements throw hissy fit over the new Batman choice, pretend they won't be in line weeks before opening day. Ben Affleck has been chosen to play Batman in the upcoming sequel to 'Man Of Steel.' The guy that played Superman in the first 'Man Of Steel' movie will still be Superman. "All this fake outrage is cute," says guy who goes to movies, Charles Smith. "We all know how this is going to go though. These guys are going to spend two years in their parent's basement, eating Cheetos and complaining about Affleck being Batman. They'll say things like, 'but it doesn't take place in Boston.' Then two weeks before the movie comes out, they'll put their little costumes on, get their pup-tent and go set it up outside the movie theatre."

Gay guy reminds us about Prison Break, that show that had a great first season and then just kind of shit the bed. Prison Break has been off the air for four years and it's star, Wentworth Miller, hasn't really done anything since then. Feeling lonely, Miller decided to remind everyone about that time he was in that show. Miller is also not going to Russia because of the way they treat gays. Oh yeah, he's also gay.

North West

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West disrespect North West with terrible 'first picture'. North West, the second most important baby born this year, was severely disrespected by her parents. (That Royal Baby is the first most important baby born this year. I'm not trying to be all cute by saying my baby was the most important baby born this year. I didn't even have a baby. Also know, that if you had a kid this year, or probably any year really, your baby is nowhere near the top of the list for most important babies born that year.) Baby West was not given the star treatment for her first photo, like most important babies are. The picture is fine if your Joe and Julie Smith, the couple down the street's baby, but if your North West, the picture is an insult. It appears to just be taken with an iPhone.

Even Shorty's picture is better than North's

Elderly man beaten by two teens dies, family is shaken up, but all right with it. Delbert Belton, also known as Shorty, is a World War II Veteran. He was shot in the leg in the Battle of Okinawa and survived. He could not survive a random attack by two teenagers in an Eagle Lodge parking lot in Spokane, Washington. Belton's family is very distraught about the ordeal, but says he probably should have died in WWII, so they are happy with the extra 50 years they did get.

Guy selling hot dogs at Home Depot has cell phone stolen, hit in head with stolen hammer. When hot dog vendor Charles Smith had his cell phone swiped by four men, he was unaware of the hammer they had also stolen. Smith left his hot dog selling duties to confront the men who took his cell phone. Smith was struck in the head with the stolen hammer. The four men drove off. It's not know if they took anything else from the store. The hot dog stand was ransacked by other Home Depot patrons during the melee.

Pope Francis harasses people over the phone, asks them what they are wearing. Several people who sent the pope letters received harassing phone calls from the Francis over the past few days. It was widely known that Pope Francis frequently made these type of calls before becoming pope. The Vatican took precautions to make sure this wouldn't happen while he was pope. Pope Francis found a way to make the calls anyways. The Vatican was made aware of the pope's phone calls when a woman called The Vatican to complain that Francis keeps calling her. She says Pope Francis sounded intoxicated and kept asking, "what are you wearing? Pope-y wants to know." Several other people have since come forward with similar complaints. Pope Francis has had his phone taken away.

That's it. That's the news.

August 21st Edition

2013-08-21T11:26:00.000-07:00

Bradley Manning gets 35 years. Manning, of giving stuff to WikiLeaks fame, is getting credit for the three years he has already spent in jail. In about eight years he'll be eligible for parole. He'll be out then. The 35 years thing was just a Military prank.

Barack Obama endorses Cory Booker for New Jersey Senator with a fist bump.

Nickelodeon star, Lucas Cruikshank, shocks nobody by coming out as gay, many shocked by learning of his existence. Cruikshank is better known as his character Fred Figglehorn. If you don't know who that is, consider yourself lucky. People that do know who he is are confused as to why he had to announce he was gay. Everybody already knew.

Dr. Phil has second thoughts about sleeping with drunk girl, asks his Twitter followers for advice. Dr. Phil was hanging out at the bar the other night when he spotted a hottie. The bartender says he heard Dr. Phil saying, "I'm going to bed that chick." After noticing that the woman was extremely intoxicated, Dr. Phil had second thoughts. Still wanting to have relations with the woman, he sent out a a tweet to ask his followers what he should do. "If a girl is drunk, is it OK to have sex with her? Reply yes or no to @drphil." The tweet caused quite a bit of outrage and the consensus seemed to be no. Despite that, Dr. Phil banged the woman anyways.

Some of these counties aren't even in Northern Colorado

Counties in Colorado want out. They say the rest of the state doesn't understand their needs. They want to secede from Colorado and become North Colorado. If the secession is successful, North Colorado would immediately become the worst start in America. Denver is the only city that matters in Colorado and North Colorado would be stuck with nothing.

Naked, one legged man dies doing what he loves. The man was seen throwing bricks, cinder blocks and other objects through neighbor's windows before being found bloody and delirious on a lawn. His housekeeper also claims he banged her head against the wall and gouged her eyes earlier in the day. Now he's dead.

Cows being stolen in Texas, old guy tells long, boring and rambling story about it. Larry Schatte is the old guy. Here is his story. “Probably about a year ago. This one guy, he’d usually bring in some cattle for his mom. On a recent auction day that the man would always bring in the same kind of cow, a specific type of cross breed. And this one particular time he came in with a couple of long horns, and I thought it was kind of an odd deal.” Not only were the cows odd, they were stolen. I can't figure out if this old guy is the idiot or if the guy who wrote the article is the worst newspaper writer in history.

Former Pope says God told him to quit, God says he misheard him. Pope Benedict, who was the first pope to not die on the job, is claiming he had a "mystical experience" where God told him to "quit being pope." When asked, God claims it was all a misunderstanding. God confirmed the mystical experience, but says Benedict misheard him. "Why would I want him to quit being pope?" Said God. "He was one of the best. I was worried about his health. I told him to quit buying pop. Not to quit being pope."

That's it. That's The News.

August 19th Edition

2013-08-19T10:50:00.002-07:00

Guy says he is going to publish secrets about Britain. Glenn Greenwald is the journalist who first published the secrets that Edward Snowden leaked. Greenwald is a little upset that Snowden has been getting all the press for those leaks. But what really riled him up, was that authorities in Britain asked his partner, David Miranda, questions for 9 hours. "No one asks my man questions that long, but me," said Greenwald. Greenwald says Britain will be sorry for asking his partner questions, but it appears the only secrets he has are about how most people there freely toss around the C-word and a list of people who regularly brush their teeth.

Lawyers for Oscar Pistorius tell him to lose the blades. Pistorius was in court earlier today to be indicted for murder. This was the first time his defense team got a good look at how the prosecution is going to pursue the case. Lawyers for Pistorius are scared this thing is over. They've decided the only shot they have is to heavily play up the sympathy angle. "It's the only choice we have," said his head lawyer Charles Smith. "They have a good case against him. When I first approached Oscar about the sympathy angle, he was reluctant. He asked if he could just wear some shorts that show that he is walking around on blades. I had to inform him that we can't have people using the word blades so much in a murder trial. You also can't wear shorts in a court room. I finally talked him into taking of the blades and using a wheelchair. If we can somehow convince the jury that Oscar is incapable of walking around in his condition, we may have a chance."

Chris Christie signs gay conversion therapy ban, but only for teens. On the surface, this looks like a good thing for Christie to do. But the ban only covers people under 18. The ban does nothing to protect those over 18 from being converted to straighthood.

One way to keep an erection.

Fork found in man's penis, claims he slipped and fell. A 70-year-old man was rushed to the hospital after getting a fork in his penis. The man stands by his story of slipping on some grease in the kitchen and falling on a fork. The man's girlfriend tells another story. "He had some trouble maintaing an erection while we were copulating," says Berta Rose. "I told him not to, but he insisted the fork would keep him erect."

Train driver in India hits and kills 37, attacked by mob who also sets train on fire, passenger misses important business meeting. Charles Smith was on his way to a very important business meeting. The meeting was likely to yield his company millions of dollars in contracts. Smith's company lost out on the contracts and he is now jobless.

12-year-old girl attacked by bear in latest bear-pocalypse attack. That makes 7 bear attacks since Thursday. Officials are reminding people to play dead when being attacked by a bear. Do not try to stop the bear attack by petting it, as this girl did before finally playing dead. No one died in the recent bear attacks. Bear experts say the bears are probably just practicing before they release a full-fledged bear-pocalypse.

That's it. That's the news.

Sunday Edition

2013-08-18T13:19:00.000-07:00

Journalists are angering Egyptian Government, come under attack. The government is complaining that their coverage is bias. One journalist has already been hit in the head with a really long stick. This journalist says, 'bring it on, bitches."

Ice swan

Chris Christie reportedly doesn't want Rand Paul at his party. When asked why, Christie said, "Oh, we don't have room." Paul responded with, "The party is big enough for both of us." Party goers say Christie was correct in saying the party didn't have room. One man describes the scene. "The invitations said the party starts at 8pm," says party participant Charles Smith. "Most everyone was there a little before 8. Some trickled in 5 to 10 minutes late, but by 8:15, there was literally no more room. No one else could fit in there. It wasn't that Christie didn't want certain people in. The room was just too packed. So when Rand Paul strolled up at 9:02, like some kind of big shot, he just wouldn't have physically fit inside that room. It was nothing against the man personally. If he had shown up on time, Christie would have welcomed him with open arms. Had the ice sculpture swan been taken out, there might have been enough room for Rand, but that swam was cool. It was all anybody talked about. There is no way it was being taken out."

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie vetoes .50 caliber rifle ban, would "only interfere with lawful recreational pastimes." Christie says he vetoed the ban because a .50 caliber rifle has never been used criminally in the state of New Jersey. The ban "will not further public safety," says Christie. Christie pointed to the fact that every single weapon people used in crimes is already in use by criminals to support his veto. Criminals will never bring a new weapon into their arsenal, he claimed. Criminals in New Jersey signed a 'no new weapons' treaty in 2007. The treaty states that if a weapon hadn't been used for criminal activity prior to 2007, criminals could not adopt such a weapon for future crimes.

Fearing he'll never have another hit song again, Robin Thicke sues Marvin Gaye's family, vows to ride 'Blurred Lines' gravy train out to the end and not let the Gaye's derail it. All Gaye's family did was state that 'Blurred Lines' sounds similar to Marvin's song 'Got To Give It Up.' Thicke feels that his song is under attack and has decided to sue the Gaye family. The only thing Thicke is looking for from this lawsuit is for the Gaye family to say the two songs don't sound similar, which they do. He also wants to make sure the family can't come after him for copyright infringement. Something the Gaye family hasn't done yet and is not planning on doing. As of now, they have just stated the songs sound similar and Thicke freaked the fuck out. We'll have more as this develops.

This map can't be real

Map reveals that New York City's wealth is not distributed evenly across the city as previously thought. Conventional wisdom has said that everyone in New York City has roughly the same amount of money. Nickolay Lamm has turned that conventional wisdom upside down with his new map of the city. In his map, Lamm shows how high buildings would be if they represented how much money the people who live in that area make. The maps results are very shocking. It turns out that some New Yorkers just aren't as rich as others.

Racy Commercial

Woman takes picture of her TV screen, writes blog. "The GMA segment went to commercial," the woman wrote. "And then, wham. Confusion. Disbelief. Did that just flash on my TV screen? In front of 8-year-old Andy?!" I cannot ever be okay with naked people having sex in the middle of ‘Good Morning America.’" The woman went on to say she is ok with clothed people having sex during 'Good Morning America,' or naked people having sex when 'Good Morning America' is over. She is also very concerned about Andy, despite not having any kids named Andy. Her kids are Rebecca and Dale.

Newark Mayor Cory Booker isn't black enough. Or something like the. It was hard to read. Apparently, the way he says 'B' has something to do with how black he is.

British police don't like Kate Middleton, start looking into whether or not Diana is really dead. Not liking how Middleton does things, police are looking further into Diana's 1997 death in hopes that it was an elaborate hoax. "We need a princess that knows what she is doing," said one officer under anonymity. "Kate is just stupid. Diana was great."

Germany to offer new gender option. The days of only selecting Male or Female on your birth certificate are over. Parents in Germany can now select 'blank' while filling out a birth certificate. The move was made because many parents were taking too long to select a gender when filling out their new child's birth certificate. German Doctor Charles Smith weighed in. "Some of these people were just wasting hospital resources. They were taking too long to fill out these birth certificates. They would be in the hospital room longer than necessary and be served meals during that time. One couple stared at that birth certificate for two days before finally selecting female. That was after we showed them the child's penis several times."

Dog that was mistaken for African Lion

Zoo in China discovers their African Lion is really just a dog. The zoo discovered their mistake when the "lion" started barking. This isn't the first time the Chinese zoo has made this mistake. What they thought were snakes, were really just rodents. They've mistaken a white fox for a leopard. And at one time, thought a common dog was a wolf. “The zoo is absolutely cheating us,” said one zoo visitor. “They are trying to disguise the dogs as lions.” Zoo officials claim they aren't trying to cheat anyone. They just got confused and made a mistake.

That's It. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 16th Edition

2013-08-16T09:23:00.000-07:00

ALF as a panda

Baby Panda looks like ALF, mommy panda tries to eat it. The panda was born in Taiwan. It looks a lot like ALF. Click on the story link to see video of its mom trying to eat the panda.

Girl from That 70's show dies. Not that one. You're thinking of Mila Kunis. Lisa Robin Kelly died. No, that's Laura Prepon. No, the mom was Debra Jo Rupp. No, that's not a girl, but you're thinking of Topher Grace. She played his older sister. Yes, he had a sister.

Wrestler goes to airport to tell everyone he is gay. Darren Young, member of the tag team Prime Time Players, said he is "happy" and "here to please himself." Not clear if he was talking about the airport or being in the WWE.

Goofy looking guy

Goofy looking guy writes really long blog post on what he's learned about women, makes the news for some reason. Thor Lund usually just blogs about being vegan and training for a half marathon. He decided to take a break from that and talk about how the only way to get a woman to tell the truth is to get her naked. Among other things.

Derek Jeter engaged to DirecTV Genie? Probably.

Spy?

Cat may be a spy. Ok...

Guy complains about brownies in Ben & Jerry's ice cream, gets tour of factory. Scott White was so disappointed with the brownies in his Half Baked ice cream, that he wrote the company to tell them about it. In return, Ben and/or Jerry (probably someone else) wrote back and invited him to take a tour of the factory. White took the tour. "The tour was awesome," said White, "but it would be cool if they would just make the brownies taste better."

Kanye West shown on jumbotron at Dodgers game, gets booed. Robin Thicke got cheers when he was shown on the jumbotron. Nobody else shown on the jumbotron during the night got any reaction whatsoever.

Duck Dynasty star looks like homeless guy. One of those Duck Dynasty guys asked where the bathroom was while staying at a hotel in New York City. He was escorted out of the hotel because the hotel employee thought he was a homeless man. The bathroom is in your room, dumbass.

UPS plane crashes, pilots identified, no word yet on what happened to the packages.

Pepsi flavored Cheetos being sold in Japan. Proving again that Japan is number one.

Marty and The News: August 14th Edition

2013-08-14T11:15:00.003-07:00

Egypt in a one-month state of emergency. With all the protests going on and deaths, the Government of Egypt had decided to declare a state of emergency for a whole month because they don't see it letting up soon. As of this report, 149 people have died. That number is expected to rise. By declaring a state of emergency, the Government has made it so someone has to be on the phone with 911 at all times. That's pretty much all a state of emergency means.

Pentagon to start giving benefits to gay spouses of Military people. All you have to do is show that you have a valid marriage certificate. If you are in a state where gay marriage isn't allowed, they will grant you leave so that you can go to a state where it is and get married. Straight people are not able to do that. The Pentagon claims this is because there are no states where you can't straight marry.

Two former bankers caught up in 'whale' scandal. Javier Martin-Artajo and Julien Grout used to work at JPMorgan Chase, but now they are facing charges for being involved in the "London Whale"scandal. This whole thing is very disappointing. Actual whales have no involvement in this scandal. It's just a bunch of money stuff. Nothing to see here. Keep it moving.

Successful couples enjoy each other. That's it. That's the number one secret for highly successful couples. What this means, is that if you are in a relationship with someone that you don't particularly enjoy, odds are, it isn't going to last.

The ugly one is Susan Olsen

Susan Olsen turns 52, got ugly. Perhaps you know her better as Cindy Brady, of Brady Bunch fame. Actually, no perhaps. Of course you know her better as Cindy Brady. Celebrate by looking at a picture of how she has became the ugliest of the Brady women.

Woman drives car. Apparently she was asleep and texting while driving. But her driving is impressive with or without her bing asleep. Fortunately, no one was harmed. Which is very uncommon. Normally when a woman is driving, numerous people are harmed.

Pregnant model wears 'lingerie' while a lady watching makes a stupid face

Pregnant models wear lingerie at fashion show, lady watching makes stupid face. Despite the models wearing what appears to just be Plain Jane bras and underoos, the show's producers decided to bill the show as models wearing lingerie.

Rush Limbaugh calls Oprah fat, still wants to have sex with her. Limbaugh claims Oprah was told she couldn't afford a handbag because she is overweight. He could then be heard drooling and talking about 'that sweet ass.'

People who make drones want us to stop calling them drones. The drone industry made their request clear at the last drone industry convention. Drone manufactuers would like people to start calling them, "flying things that go real fast, crash into things and kill people, but not the pilot because the pilot is thousands of miles away using a controller to fly," or "The VROOOOOMMM!!! Kill Machine."

Football player, Robert Griffin III, wants gay players to just say they are gay so he knows for sure. Friends of RG3 say he is trying to avoid last year's embarrassment where he walked up to an unnamed, presumably gay player, and propositioned him for a romp in the shower room. It was widely believed that this player was 'super gay'. RG3 was shocked and dismayed to learn this was not the case.

Texas man tells wife "this will always be the happiest moment of my life" right after she gives birth, fears he might not be able to live up to this, kills himself. The man shot himself in his wife's hospital room 3 1/2 hours after she gave birth. The baby was not present at the time. People in the hospital waiting room say he seemed 'extremely happy' following the birth, but also seemed very distraught. The man was reportedly talking to himself, saying things like "I'm really happy right now, but is this really going to be the happiest I will ever be?" The man shot himself shortly after this altercation with himself. The time his wife gave birth was the happiest moment of his life.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 12th Edition

2013-08-12T10:02:00.001-07:00

Joe Biden going to Iowa in September to get some steak fries. Apparently this means he might run for President in 2016. Or perhaps he is just not aware of bottomless steak fries at Red Robin.

Kris Jenner mad at Barack Obama, also unaware daughter got famous for having sex with Ray J. Jenner, of marrying Olympic hero Bruce Jenner and mom of Kim Kardashian fame, has her own talk show. Which is news in its self. Jenner used her show to yell at Obama for being critical of Kardashian's and Kanye West's 'over-the-top lifestyle.' Jenner said that Kardashian "is the hardest-working young lady in the world. She never sleeps, she never stops, she never slows down and works so hard for what she's got." Omitting the most important part of Kardashian's fame. Having sex on tape with Ray J. Also her butt.

Man shoots 9-year-old son and then himself at YWCA. Both died as a result of the gun shots. Why the two males were at a YWCA and not a YMCA is not clear.

Lefty post surgery and missing a leg

Dog takes bullet for owner. Lefty the Pit Bull wasn't doing her job when she let four intruders enter her home. The intruders stole some stuff. When the owner of the home confronted the men, he was met with a gun. When fired at, Lefty sprang into action and took the bullet for her owner. Lefty lived and people on Facebook paid for her surgery. Lefty is now walking around just fine with three legs.

U.S. Postal Service wants to deliver alcohol. That's pretty much the whole story. They think it will help them make money.

Lesbian looking lady

Lesbian looking lady doesn't have sex for 12 years, writes book. Sophie Fontanel claims she was celibate by choice and that being so, made her happier. Friends of Fontanel say that it was because no one would have sex with her and that it wasn't from lack of trying. They also say she was a 'miserable bitch' to be around during those 12 years.

Oprah can't buy handbag in Zurich, even though she was in 'full Oprah Winfrey gear.' When Oprah asked to see the $42,000 handbag, she was told it was too expensive. Oprah was shocked because, even though she wasn't wearing her eye lashes, she was in 'full Oprah Winfrey gear.' What 'full Oprah Winfrey gear' means is beyond everyone.

Black baseball player has banana thrown at him. Baltimore Orioles player Adam Jones claims that a fan threw a banana at him while playing center field. Most say the act was racist. Jones called the guy a jackass on Twitter. What hasn't been mentioned is that Jones suffers from Hypokalemia, a low-level of potassium. Bananas are known for their potassium. While bananas are a good source of potassium, Jones would have been better served had the fan thrown a potato, tomato, or clam. All of which are better sources of potassium than bananas and aren't as racist.

Elephants on their way to break some shit

Elephant herd in India destroys town after one of their own is hit and killed by train. Days after the elephant was struck by a train and killed, the elephant's friends and family returned to the site. At first they appeared to just be mourning the fellow elephant's death. They have now taken to destroying houses and a school.

Spain forgets to put elevator in new 47-story building. The original plans for the building called for it to only have 20 floors. Builders decided to make it 47 instead. When they changed the plans, they forgot to make room for an elevator shaft. The building will be used for apartments. There is like 269, or something like that. Many of which have already been sold to people in other countries. No word yet on what they are going to do about the lack of an elevator.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 8th Edition

2013-08-08T11:55:00.001-07:00

Sean Hannity bumped for hot chick. Rumor has it, Megyn Kelly will be moving from her daytime spot to Hannity's primetime spot. No word yet on what will happen with Hannity's show. Most TV pundits say the move is being made because Kelly is hotter than Hannity. It's reminiscent of Alan Colmes being asked to leave the show he used to be on with Hannity because he is 'off-putting.' When asked if he had heard the rumor, Hannity said, "Who? That bitch that can't spell Megyn?"

Cory Monteith was hanging out with sober friends when he died. The Glee star was loaded with a combination of alcohol and heroin when he died, but the three friends he was with were completely sober. The three friends he was with that night are described as 'positive influences' in his life. Had those positive influences not been around, Monteith likely would have taken more drugs that night. Luckily, his 'good' friends were around to tell him that he'd had enough. He died 20 minutes later.

Bowser once danced as a ManiAAC.

Man suspected of killing four is former Dallas Mavericks ManiAACs dancer, also has last name of Mario Brothers villain. Erbie Bowser is suspected of killing four people, at two different locations. Family of Bowser say he was looking for his girlfriend at both locations. He didn't find her, so he shot people instead. Along with four people being killed, four were injured. Those numbers are consistent with the man's namesake from Mario Brothers. Bowser only kills about 50% of the time and leaves people injured the other 50%. Law experts say his last name could hurt him if this goes to trial. "People already associate Bowser with evil," says lawyer Charles Smith. "The defense team is going to have a hard time with that." There are no winners in a case like this, but that didn't stop Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban from saying there is. "No one knew the ManiAACs even existed before this," said Cuban. "This is great."

Man 'probably will' be dumped after killing girlfriend's son. Peter Hendy is accused of killing 4-year-old Kamari Zavon Taylor. Hendy reportedly disciplined Taylor for riding his scooter too far away from the house by punching him in the stomach several times. The boy's liver was lacerated from the punches and led to his death. Hendy left the house to sell marijuana and came back to find the boy dead. The boy's mom, and Hendy's girlfriend, was at work at the time of the incident. The boy's grandma, Azlea Taylor, says she hopes her daughter will dump Hendy this time. Azlea has wanted her daughther to dump Hendy for some time. She doesn't know for sure that she will this time, but says 'she probably will.'

Florida police use Taser to shoot and kill 18-year-old. Israel Hernandez-Llach was spray painting an abandoned fast-food joint when police spotted him. No word yet on which fast-food joint it used to be. It was probably a Subway. Subways are always going out of business. Police say Hernandez-Llach started running towards them, so an officer shot him in the chest with a Taser. He was pronounced dead at the hospital. Friends of Hernandez-Llach say he was from Columbia and liked art.

Youth baseball coach convicted of assault and sent to jail for 15 days for being a terrible pitcher. When parents of teenagers in Ellis County, Texas began to notice that their children were returning from baseball practice with several bruises, they grew suspicious. Some of the parents began spying on the practices. What they found was a terrible pitcher. Coach Ron Santos repeatedly hit his players with pitches. The pitches ranged in speeds of 60-80 MPH. After each bad pitch, Santos looked distraught. He was heard yelling at himself after hitting one player in the chest with a pitch."Come on Santos! Get it together! You're better than this shit!" Along with jail time, Santos must pay a fine, be under community supervision and produce a video on the dangers of being hit by a pitch. He is also not allowed to pitch to anyone for a full year. Which isn't going to make him a better pitcher.

Only two Wizard of Oz munchkins left. Margaret Pellegrini is the latest Munchkin to die. The original Wizard of Oz had 124 Munchkins. Jerry Maren and Ruth Duccini are the only two Munchkins left. Vegas has Duccini outliving Maren at 8-1 odds.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 7th Edition

2013-08-07T11:42:00.001-07:00

Barack Obama cancels playdate with Vladimir Putin. The two world leaders had planned on doing some fishing and playing with those Russian dolls. Obama says he cancelled the playdate because Putin won't tell him where Edward Snowden is. Obama and Snowden have been playing hide and seek since May. Putin has also said that playing dolls 'is gay.' He said he'd shoot Obama 'in the face' if he tried to play 'with gay ass dolls.' Obama is going to Sweden instead. Sweden doesn't know where Snowden is, but they do have some pretty sweet dolls.

Chris Brown, 'tired of being famous for a mistake,' quits music in hopes of beating women in anonymity. Brown says he'll release his next album, 'X', and then he'll quit music for good. Brown rose to fame because of his singing and dancing skills. He made headlines when he beat the shit out of Rihanna. He thinks he became famous because of hitting Rihanna. What Brown doesn't realize, is that if he wasn't already famous, no one would know about him beating the shit out of women. He'd just be a regular guy that never makes headlines and beats women. That's what Brown wants. He's sick of being a famous woman beater, so he's quitting the thing that made him famous in hopes that he can became a regular-woman-beater.

Tea Party is up to some shit again, say some Republicans. Republicans think they have a good chance to take control of the Senate, but the Tea Party zealots are ruining it, or something like that. Wasn't that Chris Brown story crazy?

Cabella

Man blows up dog because his ex 'put the devil in it,' won't face animal cruelty charges. Christopher W. Dillingham attached an explosive device around the dog's neck and detonated it. It's not known if he got the devil out of the dog, but he did get dog parts all over the yard. He also woke up all of his neighbors. One law enforcement official said he wasn't charged with animal cruelty because the dog died instantaneously. He has been charged with reckless endangerment and possession of an explosive device. Prosecutors say he still could be charged with animal cruelty.

Michael Phelps to write book, 'Everyone Pees In The Pool.' In an attempt to ride the success of the book, 'Everyone Poops,' Phelps is writing his own confessional book. 'Everyone Poops' was written by Taro Gomi in an attempt to make his pooping look normal. In the book, Gomi claims that everyone else poops too. Phelps recently admitted to peeing in the pool all the time and hopes the book will make it seem normal.

Willis out, Ford in, Stallone hardest working man in showbiz. Sylvester Stallone called Bruce Willis 'greedy and lazy' after kicking him out of Expendables 3. Willis appeared in the first two films. Stallone was excited to announce that Harrison Ford will be in the next installment of the Expendables. Proving that everyone in the movie really is expendable.

Photo man took before going back for wife

Magnetic polarity of the sun to flip. It does this every 11 years or so and no one know what it means or why it happens. "Maybe it just gets bored," says guy who goes outside a lot.

Man saves dog from sinking boat, takes picture, then goes back to save wife.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 6th Edition

2013-08-06T10:59:00.001-07:00

George W. Bush goes to the hospital. Just a blocked artery in his heart. No big deal. We won't be attacking any countries because of this, probably.

Anderson Cooper gets 'new show'. CNN is excited to announce that Cooper is now going to be doing two completely different shows on their network. Cooper will still have his show 'AC360'. After that show is over, something else will come on for an hour and then Cooper's new show, 'AC360 Later,' will come on. TWO. COMPLETElY. DIFFERENT. SHOWS. CNN is aware that it looks like the same show, just with a one hour break, but they have repeatedly said that this is not the same show.

Two dudes

Watergate guys asked what they think about Washington Post sale. The guy who made Amazon (the website, not the rainforest), Jeff Bezos is now the owner of the Washington Post. For some reason, famed Watergate reporters, Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, were asked for their opinion on the sale. They didn't really say anything interesting. They both just said they were sad that the family who owned the paper forever no longer owned it. Then they said that they think Bezos is going to do a really good job. Nothing interesting.

Mark Wahlberg tells Justin Bieber to stop smoking weed. Bieber fires back and tells Wahlberg to stop wearing around that fake penis he wore in Boogie Nights. Wahlberg wants to put Bieber in a movie about basketball. There isn't really a story here.

Two dudes, one girl, same guy

After 3 months, guy decides that he isn't 'transgender after all.' Don Ennis is an ABC News Editor and has been living his life as woman since May. Ennis, who had been going by Dawn since his change, claims he suffered a two day amnesia. When he came out of it, he realized he was no longer a woman. In an email to his colleagues, Ennis said, “I accused my wife of playing some kind of cruel joke, dressing me up in a wig and bra and making fake ID’s with the name ‘Dawn’ on it." Ennis realized it wasn't a joke when he saw his breasts. He developed the breasts by being a little pudgy and by taking female hormones. Ennis says his memories have returned, but his identity as Dawn did not return. “I am writing to let you know I’m changing my name . . . to Don Ennis. That will be my name again, now and forever. And it appears I’m not transgender after all."

2-year-old kid is best man at his parents wedding, dies two days later, I read the story and decided my first thoughts on the story makes me an asshole.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 5th Edition

2013-08-05T12:14:00.002-07:00

No-name baseball players accept suspensions. Twelve Major League Baseball players have accepted 50 game suspensions for associating with some guy. They didn't actually fail any drug tests. Despite the long list of names, no one knows who these players are. Unless you are in one of those fantasy baseball leagues that has way too many teams and are forced to have scrubs on your team. The list just proves that steroids don't actually make you that much better at baseball. Alex Rodriguez, who was already good at baseball, is rumored to be facing a suspension as well, but he is fighting it. Steroid use in baseball appears to just make good players better at avoiding suspensions than mediocre players.

*Update*
Alex Rodriguez has now been banned for the rest of this season and all of next. He should have taken more 'suspension delaying' steroids.

Study finds stupidest group of people in America. You can be the best test taker in the world or know Pi to 6 decimal places, but if you can't remember where you put your keys, you're stupid. For this reason, it's often assumed that old people are the stupidest in the world. But a new study shows that it's women who are the stupidest people. The stupidest group of women are those between the ages of 18 and 34 and live on the East coast.

Dancing fool Billy C

Bill Clinton answers a bunch of questions. Tells everyone to not worry about yesterday, embrace tomorrow. He wasn't so clear on what to do with today. He did mention that he's "gotten a lot of good advice and wishes he'd taken more of it." Perhaps that advice was about what to do with today.

Chris Christie wins hottest politician poll. He also wins for fattest politician. No poll was held to determine that. He was just given the prize for fattest.

Author of 'Jaws' makes a list of words to try and help sell 40th anniversary copies of the book. He says the list of words are alternative titles for the book. He considered all of them before going with Jaws. But after close examination of the list, of almost 200 alternative book titles, it appears to just be a list of words. Many of which are loosely related to sharks and shark activity, but most are just words. One alternative title is just " ". Suggesting that he was willing to call the book anything.

Danny Bonaduce: "It was totally embarrassing to be famous and homeless." Bonaduce mistakenly gave this quote while appearing on 'Oprah: Where Are They Now?' He has since revised his quote to, "It was, and still is, totally embarrassing to be me, homeless or not."

Burned body of a woman found in Detroit, Fire Chief sounds stupid. This is Detroit's third burned body in 8 days. Some think they have a serial body burner on their hands. Fire Chief Jack Wiley isn't so sure. “It’s a young lady, I think, I’m not sure. All I could see was the leg and it looked like the leg of a lady than more of a man. So, I’m not sure yet.” He also doesn't want people to jump so quickly to murder. “I’m not sure because like I said, it’s still a crime scene and I couldn’t get all the way in there to see, but they did just let me see where the fire was.”

Anthony Weiner dick pic recipient films porno. Not only was she the lucky, original recipient of a picture of Weiner's junk, Sydney Leathers was lucky enough to shoot a porn scene.

50 Cent tries to get back into the news Chris Brown style, forgets to get famous girlfriend first.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 2nd Edition

2013-08-02T14:02:00.002-07:00

Ellen DeGeneres to host 2014 Oscars. Looks like the Oscars won't have any jokes this year. If that's the case, I don't have to make jokes about this. Just kidding. Ellen is great! Dance party!

House Republicans keep voting to repeal Obamacare, jokes fired. This is the 40th time House Republicans have voted to repeal Obamacare. Not one of the 40 votes have meant anything. A few Democrats took to the floor to roast the Republicans and their frivolous vote. Rep. John Dingell (D-Mich.), opened the roast by saying, "I suspect we don't want to call them the Republicans anymore, but I think we ought to call them the Repeal-icans. Or perhaps the Repeal-ican'ts, because they've never been able to repeal anything." Oh snap! That joke can't be topped. The roast should have ended there, but that didn't stop a few Democrats from embarrassing themselves. "They have one alternative to Obamacare. It's called NothingCare," joked Rep. Lloyd Doggett (D-Texas). Rep. Mike Thompson (D-Calif.) laid the stinker of the night when he said, "we've seen this movie before." Just embarrassing, Doggett and Thompson. Nice job, Dingell

Not Related

Nick Cannon thinks he is related to Amanda Bynes. Cannon has asked for Bynes to reach out to 'her family' in her time of need. Despite him being black and Bynes being white, Cannon is referring to himself when he says family. Cannon believes they are family, because they were both on Nickelodeon at the same time. Bynes is upset that it's been 15 years since they hooked up and this is the first time Cannon has ever tried to contact her.

Raven-Symone "can finally get married," thanks Government. Symone took to Twitter earlier today to say, "I can finally get married! Yay government! So proud of you." It's not known if she is referring to the Supreme Court's decision in June to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act or the 1967 Supreme Court decision that deemed anti-miscegenation laws unconstitutional. It's murky as to whether Symone announced that she is lesbian, is in love with someone from another race, or perhaps both. Either way, she is late in thanking the Government. Symone also could have made her thanks mean a little more by thanking the Supreme Court and not just the Government in general.

College issues apology after its president refers to minorities as "dark ones." Hillsdale College President Larry Arnn was technically correct when he called minorities "dark ones," but the College still issued an apology. The apology states that "no offense was intended by the use of that term, except to the offending bureaucrats." Arnn was even less apologetic in his statement. “The State of Michigan sent a group of people down to my campus, with clipboards ... to look at the colors of people’s faces and write down what they saw. We don’t keep records of that information. What were they looking for besides dark ones?"

Colin Powell denies having sex with vaguely attractive Romanian lady. Powell is being accused of having an affair with Romanian diplomat Corina Cretu. Despite exchanging emails and Facebook messages with Cretu for over 10 years, Powell insists that he has been nothing but faithful to his wife Alma. You be the judge.

Colin and his wife Alma

The much more attractive Corina Cretu

Even the ladies got involved

Taiwanese lawmakers come to blows, waste water, over nuclear power. What was supposed to be a meeting to decide if a nuclear power plant should be built, turned to violence when a decision couldn't be agreed upon. Punches were thrown and numerous bottles of water were emptied.

One lawmaker throws punch as another wears a sweet headband

Texas running low on lethal injection drug, just going to start shooting people.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 1st Edition

2013-08-01T16:53:00.003-07:00

Larry Summers hates women. Summers appears to be the prospective nominee for the Federal Reserve Chair. Summers has come under fire for sexist remarks he has said in the past. The biggest red flag of Summers' sexism is the fact that he won't step back and let a woman have the Federal Reserve Chair. Women first, Larry.

Cleveland kidnapper, Ariel Castro, apologizes, poorly, for kidnapping people. "I'm not a monster," said Castro, in front of a packed courtroom. "A lot of harmony (was) going on." Castro went on to say that he is not a violent person. He says he never beat or tortured any of the women. While not all of the sex was consensual, he claims that most of it was. "I simply kept them there without them being able to leave." Castro was also hurt to learn that his home has been torn down. "I had so many beautiful memories there with Amanda." Amanda, one of his victims, says there was no beautiful memories. Castro also admitted to being addicted to porn. It's not known why he admitted to this. It didn't help his case whatsoever. He was sentenced to life in prison. And just in case he outlives his life, 1,000 more years were tacked on.

New hair, same boobs

Sofia Vergara changes hair color, keeps big boobs. Fashion experts are split as to whether or not the hair change was a good or bad move, but they all agree that she did the right thing by keeping the boobs the same. "No one is really looking at her hair anyways," says fashion expert Charles Smith, "so the change doesn't really matter."

In an unexpected twist, Glee writes the Finn Hudson character off of the show. Finn has been a fan favorite ever since the first episode of Glee. The decision to remove him from the show has taken many off guard. "I didn't see this coming," says Glee fan Charles Smith. "Finn was my favorite character and everyone I know loved him. He was a great singer. He seemed so integral to the show. I don't understand why they would just write him off." Glee fans have started a Facebook page urging Glee writers to 'Bring Back Finn.' Finn was played by actor Cory Monteith. Monteith died last month from a drug overdose. Producers of Glee would not confirm, but it's speculated that the actor's death led to him being written off the show.

Former MTV VJ tries to sell books. Kennedy, who hasn't been on TV for nearly 20 years, is claiming that she almost had sex with Michael Jordan once. Jordan, who hasn't played basketball for a decade, is now known for being one of the worst owners in sports and once sporting a Hitler 'stache. It appears that 'I almost had sex with this person' is the new 'I did cocaine while I was on the Brady Bunch'.

New Zealand power companies funnier than other country's power companies. Clive Saleman was worried when he received a letter saying that his power would be turned off if he didn't stop using so much. Saleman then noticed that the letter wasn't addressed to him. It was addressed to the streetlight in front of his home. It's not known why streetlights in New Zealand have their own address. This is where the comedy starts. Saleman went to the streetlight in question and knocked on the door. No one was home to collect the mail. The power company says they are happy to hear that no one is living in the streetlight, because it would be "quite draughty." Ha Ha! Whatever draughty means.

Vladimir Putin's plan to get free dildos is working. It was once suggested the Putin's militant, anti-gay agenda was just a ploy for him to get dildos sent to him. No one took the dildo strategy seriously, but it now appears there may be some truth to it. A Facebook group called "Send a Dildo To Vladimir Putin" has sprung up, urging people to send dildos, used or new, to Putin. It hasn't been confirmed that this is what Putin wanted all along, but someone said that they once heard Putin say 'once I get six or seven dildos, I'll lighten up on the gays.'

'Rent is too damn high' guy endorses Weiner. Pundits are calling this the most embarrassing gaffe of Anthony Weiner's campaign.

Funny beard guy and Weiner

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: July 8th Edition

2013-07-08T10:20:00.000-07:00

News.

Eliot Spitzer trying to make return to politics, Americans learn of existence of comptroller. Spitzer resigned as Governor of New York in 2008, when it was discovered he was sexing some high-price prostitutes. Now, five years later, Americans are learning of the existence of a comptroller. It turns out lots of cities have them. Spitzer is planning to run for New York City's comptroller. It's still not known what exactly the comptroller does, but if they bang high-priced prostitutes, Spitzer is a shoe-in.

Only one death may have occurred from Asiana plance crash in San Francisco. It was first reported that two 16-year-old Chinese girls died in the plane crash. It is now being speculated that one of the girls may have been killed by an emergency vehicle that rushed to the scene. An autopsy is underway to determine the girls cause of death. Frank the airport ambulance driver has refused to comment.

You're Welcome, News Readers

Heidi Klum Instagrams picture of her butt.

'Happy Endings' writer tweets jokes that didn't make the show. Writer Jason Berger shared some jokes on Twitter that didn't make it into the product that aired on TV. At the same time, he also showed why they didn't make it into the show.

Chicago gets to work over the Holiday Weekend. As I first reported last week, homicides in Chicago are down 27% in comparison to last year's numbers at this time. Criminals got to work for the Fourth of July, as nine people were killed over the weekend. The city passed the 200th homicide for the year milestone over weekend, but is still behind last year's stats.

George Zimmerman likely to walk. Says some guy who seems to know what he's talking about.

California may start giving condoms to inmates. Haven't thought that maybe this will open up the flood gates to inmates raping other inmates. A practice that rarely occurs in prisons.

Taco Bell has another drive-thru order returned. This time it's $3,600 in cash instead of shitty tacos.

Tigers tell a man he is too old by killing him. The man was 72 and very feeble. The three tigers took pity on him and his body.

Marty And The News: July 3rd Edition

2013-07-03T11:05:00.000-07:00

More news.

Porn Star?

Porn company wants Paula Deen to work for them. Thankfully, they have stipulated that under no circumstances, is she allowed to get naked.

Glenn Greenwald comes back from vacation and makes statement without looking at the news he missed first. It's still unclear as to who Greenwald is, but he somehow made his way on to Fox News. He announced that the world will be shocked by what the NSA is doing. Greenwald admits he has been on vacation for over a month and is not aware of anyone named Edward Snowden.

Ex-Gay Pride Month? The Family Research Council wants to make it so. They are even planning a dinner to help get the month rolling and to promote ex-gay rights. What rights they are fighting for is unclear.

Dennis Rodman unclear on how Nobel Peace Prize works. Because Rodman visited North Korea, he's demanding the Noble Peace Prize.

Not even Tim Tebow could stop Aaron Hernandez. In 2007, Tebow, aka Jesus, tried to break up a fight that Hernandez was involved in, but failed.

Video of man hitting cows having sex is way too long.

There was no reason for that video to be 57 seconds long. Two seconds to establish that he is driving. Then the cows show up. Then show five seconds after the cows are hit mid-coitus. That's it. That's all we need.

Man is convicted of sodomizing 14-year-old girl, kills himself. Neighbor regrets that he wasn't more clear with his instructions. When Steve Parsons was sitting on his neighbor's porch and saw a 14-year-old girl riding by on her bike, his words were "I'd tap that ass," according to his neighbor Charles Smith. Smith replied that Parsons should kill himself. Smith intended for Parsons to kill himself right then, not after he sodomized the girl. Smith has apologized to the girl's family for the unclear directions.

Record number of teens show up for annual street brawl. Over 400 hundred teens turned out for the annual street brawl in Greensboro North Carolina this year. This shatters the previous record of six. Eleven arrests were made. Also shattering the record. Police were shocked by the turnout this year and may try to put a stop to the annual brawl. Christoper Hicks, 17, has been participating in the brawl for three years and was upset by the massive turnout this year. "You're ruining it for us diehards. Stop it," says Hicks.

Police arrest man for filming them and shoot his dog. There is video. I suggest you don't watch it though.