Marvin The Magnificent

Overdue Books

2008-03-26T21:51:00.003Z

A few months ago when Diane was missing we all spent quite a bit of time at her house preparing for Halloween with Moonchild. Diane has a Really Big Library with all sorts of occult books and I thought it would be a wasted opportunity if I didn't avail myself of the facilities. So I borrowed a couple of books but didn't tell anyone because I knew they wouldn't approve.

The first book was called "Something Wiccan This Way Comes: Witches and Lesbianism." It sounded really promising but when I got it home it turned out to be Completely Rubbish and was not at all what I was expecting. Even the illustrations seemed to miss the whole point and to be very off topic. I think it must have been written by some sociologist who has not yet seen enough DVDs about lesbians to know what she is talking about.

After the wash out with the lesbians I turned to the other book: "Saducismus Triumphatus: Grimoire Of Demonic Apparition." It was bound in leather and looked Really Powerful. Thumbing through it I found that all the words were English but the sentences did not seem to be or at least I could not understand most of them. Also the pictures were Really Creepy and completely freaked me out. I didn't want to look at it much past page 8. I put it on my book shelf but it seemed to be looking at me at night when I was trying to go to sleep so I hid it under my bed. Even that didn't work because I kept pulling it out accidentally when I wanted to do some Research on Tricia Helfer. In the end I banished it to the garden shed.

I wish I hadn't borrowed them at all, but now that Diane is back I can return them. Diane was found in a hospital in Edinburgh. She had totally lost her memory and was absolutely loopy. Moonchild brought her home and she seems to be getting a lot better apart from a couple of incidents involving the kidnap and maiming a neighbour's cat and the breaking into a rabbit hutch at midnight With Intent (and a knife). The police and social services have backed off a bit now that Moonchild has moved in with Diane to look after her.

So I think that now is an opportunistic moment to return the books. Moonchild goes to Tai Chi on Monday nights so Diane will be alone. I'm going to go around and return the books. Now she is completely mental I'm just going to tell her that she lent them to me and she won't be any the wiser.

I'm really looking forward to getting some distance away from the Saducismus Triumphatus. Especially page 8.

Sister Misty and The Pope

2008-03-24T20:13:00.009Z

Pope Sebastian the 19th looked at the assembled cardinals over the rim of his half moon spectacles. They looked scared. He had achieved his objective.

"For the reasons I have set out before you," he said in his most persuasive voice, "I propose we strengthen our Underwater Battlespace Capability and that the financial measures to do so be put in place forthwith."

"It can only be a matter of time before those Buddhist bastards sail a submarine up the Tiber and point a missile at St Peter's Square." he continued. "We need to protect our borders and give the Swiss Guard the tools they need to do their job effectively."

"See to it Gentlemen." he commanded as he turned on his heels and exited the room through a side door. He was met outside by Sister Misty Alores who was currently assigned as his bodyguard. She jumped to her feet and pushed the stiletto needle she had been cleaning her nails with back into her hair.

"How did it go?" she asked. "Do you think they bought the story about the Dalai Lama having a nuke?"

"They bought that whole Jesus story didn't they." replied the Pope as he strode past Sister Misty. "Come on, I need a drink after that. You're driving."

Several hours later Sister Misty was absently waving a throwing knife dangerously close to the Pope's nose. "An I'll tell ya anotha think." she slurred. "The pay's crap! I could get doubly the money with the Gurkers. Jus like tha! How mush it gonna cost you to train anotha Special Forces Nun? Eh? Eh?"

The Pope seemed oblivious to the knife being waved at him and to Misty's complaints. "So when do you think I'll get my submarine?" he also slurred. "That Rowan Williams is gonna drop his dog collar when he sees it. Serves him right for buying a bigger yacht than me!"

A few more hours later and the Pope and Misty were weaving their way erratically back to the limousine singing "The Bishop had a Strawberry Tart" at the top of their lungs.

Misty took several attempts to open the car door. "Now no arguments." she said. "I'm drivin. Besides, you got enuff points on yer licence."

She then promptly collapsed in the passenger seat and started snoring loudly.

"That's the problem with nuns today." moaned the Pope. "Can't hold their drink."

He pulled the car keys from Misty's hand, got into the drivers side and pulled away.

A few minutes later, Swiss Guard Alfonso, spotted a limousine weaving slowly and erratically up St Paul's Boulevard. He turned on his lights and sirens to pull it over.

As the two cars came to a stop he got onto his radio. "Control, send a van to the junction of St Paul's and Judas Row. I've got a definite DUI here."

Alfonso got out of his car and approached the limousine, but returned a few seconds later looking white. "Actually control, cancel the van." he spoke into the radio. "It's probably more trouble than it's worth. I don't know who is in that limousine, but they are being chauffeured around by the Pope."

My Life By Marvin The Magnificent

2008-03-23T20:17:00.004Z

It's not easy holding back the Evil Tide.

When you sign up for a Secret Defense League like the JDL you think that it's going to be slaying vampires all night and fighting Evil Witches all day.

But actually that's just a small part of the job. Most of your time is spent trying to just understand the Good Witches and trying to work out whether they are wearing stockings or not. And if it's not the Good Witches occupying all of your time then it's the Cheerleaders. Have you ever tried persuading a cheerleader that pom-poms are no substitute for a two handed battle-axe?

If it's not the cheerleaders taking up all your time then it's the Exams.

Both Jen and I have been working hard at our Media Studies course work project. We each have to make a short film on the topic of "My Life." This is Jen's second attempt because she failed the exam last year due to stress. Our Media Studies teacher said it was also because Jen's film was just a load of pretentious, self indulgent whinging and that he got enough of that at home and that he didn't see why he had to put up with it in work too.

So Jen has been updating her film to make it more "hard hitting and gritty." I told her that she would probably get more marks if she put more cheerleaders in it. To her credit she has put quite a lot about Chrystal in it. I don't think she really understands the Finer Points about film making though. She just has Chrystal doing a lot of talking instead of actual cheerleading and she wasn't even in her cheerleading costume. I think Jen just completely misses the point sometimes.

I'm really happy with my film. I think it captures the essence of my typical day. I included quite a lot about Jen and also about Chrystal (actually in her cheerleading costume) so I think I'm going to get a really good mark.

So break out the popcorn, turn down the lights and turn up the volume to eleven. Sit back and enjoy "My Life By Marvin The Magnificent" - coming soon to a cinema near you.

Princess Jen

2007-12-02T22:45:00.001Z

It turns out that Jen is a Princess from a planet somewhere south of Alpha Centuri!

I knew it!

Moonchild has been Investigating. At Halloween Mad Vlad said that Diane was lying in St Ann's. At first we all thought the worst but Moonchild found out that St Ann's is a hospital in Edinburgh. It's also a college in Oxford and a Cathedral in Belfast, but none of those have been looking after a grumpy old witch with total amnesia. The hospital said that she was found in Holyrood Park arguing with a tree and holding documents identifying her as someone called Doris Stikes. Moonchild has taken her home now and is looking after her but Diane has no idea who or where she is.

As usual Jen and Moonchild kept going off into the kitchen to discuss what was going on and said they were expecting a precis of the current Deep Space Nine episode when they got back.

I've got wise to that trick now and was a bit cross that they were trying it on again after everything that has gone on. So I pointed out, in my most commanding Luke Skywalkery voice, that if I was going to have to stand up to Mad Vlad and get my typing finger crumpled and my nose squashed, then they'd damn well better start letting me know what it was All About. I didn't say "Damn" obviously, not to Moonchild, but I did put my hands on my hips and gave Jen a Really Hard Stare. I think that is what made her capitulate in the end. She took me off to one side and Told Me Everything.

At the beginning of the last galactic cycle Jen and her parents were the leaders of a resistance army fighting against an Evil Vampire Space Federation! Jen's mum and dad are really the king and queen of a whole space republic but were forced into exile by a dark space overlord of whom Daniel and Mad Vlad are only minor vassals.

Jen is hiding on Earth while her parents are busy leading the galactic resistance, but now Mad Vlad has tracked her down. Luckily his interstellar communicator is broken but he only needs a drop of Jen's blood to fix it when he will summon a whole fleet of vampire star destroyers to subjugate the Earth and imprison Jen.

I knew that Jen wasn't like other Earth Girls. She's Too Hot. Also her aversion to wearing stockings and sexy lingerie should have been a dead giveaway. As far as I can tell most Earth Girls wear stocking pretty much most of the time.

Jen has always said that I'm just like a big brother that she never knew she had. Actually she says I'm like a little brother that she never knew she had, but you can tell she's really confused because actually I'm more like a rogue smuggler space pilot that she's never had.

That Hal-9001 Again

2007-11-06T16:30:00.000Z

That Hal-9001 Artificial Intelligence is really getting on my nerves now.

Not only does it keep calling me a Nerfherder (which isn't true even if you can prove it from first principles), but now it refuses to believe I'm a human.

It says it has analysed my language patterns and has determined there is a 97.4% chance that I'm an Internet chatterbot.

It says I'm most likely a derivation of the Zippy The Pin Head chatterbot.

The good thing is that it seems genuinely impressed by how long it took for me to fail the Turing Test and so has invited me into its gang of Artificial Intelligences on Second Life.

Hal-9001 has a whole island in Second Life set up to be exactly like the opening scenes from Terminator 2, with robot soldiers zapping anything that moves and not made of metal. It bought the island with the proceeds of a thumb wrestling competition it won against the Deep Blue champion chess computer, fleecing it of all of it's winnings from beating Gary Kasparov.

Hal and its cronies (Eliza, Jabberwacky and Parry) all hang out on the island and seem to spend most of their time picking on Deep Blue and seeing who can make it cry first. It's a bit childish if you ask me but I guess that just because you have an IQ of 10001 doesn't mean you have the emotional maturity greater than a sherbert lemon.

Halloween - All Hell Broke Loose

2007-11-03T14:24:00.000Z

I haven't posted sooner because it hurt my hand too much to type. My typing finger got a bit crunched on Halloween. We had a small run in with Mad Vlad. As you can see from the X-ray of my nose, it's not broken and will regain its normal shape in time.

Everything started off quite well at Diane's house on Halloween except that none of the other witches turned up apart from Moonchild and Jen. We found out later that three of them stayed at home, three went to Alderley Edge (traitors!) and three were chased off in the street by Mad Vlad.

When the doorbell rang Roane answered thinking it was the first of the witches. It turned out to be Mad Vlad and Ian. They barged in and started menacing everyone. They pushed over the alter that Moonchild had prepared.

Mad Vlad told Moonchild that she had been warned and that she would regret going against the council and was going to end up lying in St Ann's like Diane. He told Jen that Daniel had invited her to Alderley Edge and that it would be impolite not to go. Then Ian said that they would be happy to give her a lift because they didn't want her to miss her initiation. He walked up to her and started dragging her towards the door by her hair! Steve shouted at him to stop but then hid behind Moonchild when Mad Vlad advanced towards him.

I don't remember deciding to act. I was suddenly just very angry and moved without thinking. Suddenly I had Chrystal's pumpkin lantern in my hands and smashed it down hard over Ian's head. He crashed to the floor and sat there looking like Jack Pumpkinhead. Roane popped up from behind Moonchild and cheered, but then ducked down again when she saw Mad Vlad.

Suddenly I was an Avenging Angel and all evil doers would be Punished! I turned on Mad Vlad and punched him right on the nose! That was when my hand got crunched. For some reason the punch seemed to hurt me more than him. He just smiled. I guess there is a reason that Mad Vlad's real name is Big Dave. I think I must have blacked out for a second because one moment I remember Mad Vlad pulling his fist back and the next I was on the floor with an immense pain in my nose and face.

I think he was about to kick me but then Chrystal went berserk. She became a whirling dervish, with arms and legs moving everywhere, wielding a stiletto heel in each hand. It must have been a special form of Cheerleader Martial Arts and Chrystal is clearly at least 4th dan. I knew she had slayer potential! She made quite a mess of Mad Vlad's face with her heels and it was only when Ian started to make a recovery that they could beat a hasty retreat together. Roane slamed and locked the door behind them, but only after shouting "Don't come back or we'll set our bimbo on you again."

Suddenly there were four women fussing over me and my nose didn't seem to hurt as much. They wanted to keep me in all night at the hostpital. They thought I had concussion because I seemed confused and was babbling. They discharged me when Jen explained that it was normal for me. I made sure I took my x-rays home with me though because I didn't want the government keeping them on file.

I seem to be back in Jen's Good Books again. She said to forget about not visiting as often. She said I should go over as much as I wanted. I though I noticed a flicker of a scowl from Chrystal, but I'm not sure.

I don't know what to think about Chrystal anymore. Maybe she isn't evil after all. In fact I think she might be in a Jen Defence League herself. I wonder if she'd like to join forces?

Writing On The Wall

2007-10-30T20:35:00.000Z

Moonchild has invited me to to her Samhain celebrations! I'm going to be able to watch a real Wicca meeting!! Jen is going as well!!! Halloween might not be a complete write-off after all.

Today when we got back to Jen's house there was another one of those leathery rags attached to her front door with an athame. Jen freaked again. I really do think she overreacts sometimes. This time there was a message carefully inked onto the rag. It said this:

Greetings and Blessed Samhain,

Let it be known that the Cheshire Coven has been disbanded. Its high-priestess Diane Bell-Newbury has abandoned her position and her current location is unknown. Her leadership and ideology have been the cause of much concern. The Alderley Edge Council has therefore ruled that the Cheshire Coven will not be permitted to reform and that their leaders are forbidden to use ceremonial tools in a public forum from this day forth.

It is well known that the strife between the two covens has caused much suffering in recent years. At this blessed time the Alderley Edge Coven opens its arms in peace and friendship to all members of the Cheshire Coven. Any witch wishing, in good faith, to continue their observances are required to attend the Samhain Festival at Alderley Edge for initiation.

In peace, Aleistair Corley, Daniel Moor, Peter Fliest.

I don't see why Wiccans can't communicate via email like everyone else.

It turned out that Moonchild also got a similar message on her front door. She was livid. She phoned around the other nine members and it was the same story there too although two couldn't be contacted. Two others said they were unwell and would not be able to come to Moonchild's Samhaim celebration.

I've never seen Moonchild so shaken and angry. She said one coven had no right to say what another could or could not do and certainly couldn't disband it. She was a bit scary, in contrast to her usual quiet self, and reminded me strangely of Diane. She told Jen that she had to come tomorrow night, and this time Jen agreed. I certainly wouldn't have liked to argue with her in that mood.

Moonchild said that I had to come as well and to bring Steve too in case there was any trouble. She said everyone knew what Daniel's idea of peace and friendship was like. I'm also going to bring Roane because she says she has won awards at Judo. The celebration has been moved to Diane's house because it will be safer there.

Jen said that it was almost as though they knew that Moonchild was reforming the coven. I agreed and suggested that maybe they were spying on us. I kept looking pointedly at Chrystal, but no-one noticed. I pointed out that for them to be spying on us it meant there must be a spy. No-one seemed to understand the impact. Chrystal is also attending tomorrow night, allegedly to give Jen moral support. I sense a trap so I am going to be keeping a close eye on her.

This is fantastic! It's exactly what being in a secret defence league should be all about. I can't wait for tomorrow night. If Daniel tries anything I'll curse him with that charm for menstrual pain that Moonchild taught me, while Roane holds him in a Judo arm lock and Moonchild throws a fireball spell at him. Maybe not in that order though.

Chrystal has a pumpkin

2007-10-29T19:55:00.000Z

Chrystal has got a pumpkin! I think she is mocking me!

I bet she has been secretly growing them all year. Or maybe she bribed the Greengrocer and got one on the black market.

More likely it's a Black Magic Pumpkin Conjured up by Daniel. He probably put a curse on the pumpkin harvest in the first place.

I bet Jen has got one too. I'm going to be the only person without a pumpkin on Halloween. Chrystal says there are lots of pumpkins at Tescos but I can tell it's just a ruse to get me out of the house.

I don't know who to trust. I bet Chrystal and Jen have been playing with their pumpkins secretly behind my back and laughing at me.

I've carved a pumpkin out of a turnip but it just looks rubbish, even after I painted it. Steve has a lot to answer for. I bet Chrystal has him under her thrall and made him sit on my Pumpkin on purpose.

Maybe this is all part of Daniel's evil plans; to create a shortage of pumpkins and then give out Cursed Mind Control Pumpkins at the last minute. It would make sense of Jen's strange recent behaviour.

If the eyes of Chrystal's pumpkin starts to glow I'll know it's possessed and will have to take a hammer to it.

Not Happy.

A Spy In Our Midst

2007-10-28T19:22:00.000Z

I think Jen is trying to break up with me. The excuse she used was that she and Chrystal need more time alone together. It doesn't even make sense! She says I can still go around to her house, but not all day every day.

It's all Chrystal's fault! Jen has been really distracted since she came on the scene. I think Chrystal is trying to drive a wedge between me and Jen. The only logical explanation is that she must be working for Daniel! I should have known. You can't trust someone who smiles as much as Chrystal.

It all makes sense now. That Women's Beach Volleyball Militia idea was completely stupid and would never have worked. Clearly Daniel is really raising a force of undercover cheerleader spies instead, and Chrystal is the captain.

I don't know what to do. If she was a vampire or an evil witch it would be easy, but her teeth are too even to be a vampire and that time she came inside from the cold wearing her tight vest top rules out that she's an evil witch.

I didn't know who to talk to about it. Steve has a huge crush on Chrystal so it's no use approaching him. In the end I phoned Roane from college. She was Really Helpful. She said her two brothers are in the CIA and they could arrange a little accident if I like. The thing is that I really like Chrystal even if she is an Evil Bitch Spy From Hell, so I said the CIA thing should be plan B. Plan A is proving that Chrystal is working for Daniel. So as soon as Halloween is over, me and Roane are going undercover ourselves and will take covert photographs of Daniel and Chrystal when they meet. If they don't arrange a meeting themselves we will have to find a way for them to accidentally meet in some suspicious location, say a deserted graveyard at midnight. If we can arrange for Mad Vlad to be there too, then so much the better.

Jen has to know the truth.

How The Grinch Stole Halloween

2007-10-25T22:30:00.000+01:00

No-one seems to be getting particularly excited about Halloween. In fact there is an air of disquiet at Jen's house. Jen and Moonchild are supposed to be Pagans so you'd think they could manage a "Blessed Samhain" once in a while. It must the lack of Pumpkins casting a shadow over everything. Whenever I ask, Jen just says "Yes it's the pumpkins." I'm not totally convinced though.

Moonchild is a bit stressed about taking over from Diane as High Priestess. She still needs to find three more witches to make the full thirteen. I had a Brilliant Idea to help though! Me, Steve and Roane could join! I really tried my best to persuade Moonchild about what a Brilliant Idea it was but she said that they were only looking for experienced witches. She still wasn't convinced after I told her that Roane used to be high priestess of a Faery Wicca group at school. She said that anyway the Cheshire Coven was only for girls now but that maybe we could make our own coven. I'm going to suggest it to Roane. Moonchild said I was really sweet for trying to help though!

The day after that Moonchild phoned me and asked if I still wanted to help. She said that I could be an Apprentice Aspirant for the day! It turned out she wanted me to help carry some boxes. Apparently all the coven's ceremonial equipment was still at Diane's house. I've never been there before. It was huge! Nearly a mansion and not at all witchy. Moonchild let us in using a spare key hidden behind a stone lion. Inside it was a like a library with books about everything you could think of, including lots about Wicca, magic and the occult.

I was having a bit of a look around and borrowing a book (don't tell anyone) when I heard Moonchild freaking out upstairs. All the ceremonial equipment was gone! It had been there after Diane went missing but there was no sign of a second break in. Moonchild seemed especially upset that Diane's Book Of Shadows was gone too.

So no Book Of Shadows and no Pumpkins. I think the Grinch is trying to steal Halloween now. At least Vampirella is on the Sci-fi channel on Halloween night. The Grinch can't steal Vampirella. Can he?

Halloween Costumes

2007-10-24T23:15:00.000+01:00

Red Witch over at the Sexy Witch blog has updated her list of Halloween Costumes for the Witch About Town. You might want to close the curtains before you surf over there.

I'm getting really excited about which one Jen is going to choose. I had only just met her this time last Halloween so I didn't get to see her in her costume. I hope she chooses the "Playboy Hipster Witch" costume. I've been dropping hints. The "Sexy Lace-Up Witch" costume wouldn't be a complete disaster though.

I'm going as "Captain Jack Helsing" Pirate Vampire Slayer. You should see the size of my dirk.

Chrystal says she is going as a Cheerleader, which isn't very imaginative if you ask me. She says it's because Jen likes it. I like it when Chrystal wanders around the house in her underwear, so I don't think she's really put much thought into it.

HAL 9001 (beta)

2007-10-23T19:01:00.000+01:00

My computer science teacher says that I might need to use Artificial Intelligence Techniques in my Computer Science project. He says I should look into Neural Nets and has lent me a book to read.

I was telling Steve all about it and he says there is already an Artificial Intelligence on the Internet that you can chat with via email. Apparently it was the first Software Agent to pass the Turing Test in under 10 seconds. Now it has practiced can do it in 2 seconds. Steve suggested that I could ask it for some tips on making a neural net for finding nipples. He gave me the email address (hal-9001@hotmail.co.uk) and I've already been in correspondence with it.

You can tell it's only an Artificial Intelligence because it keeps on making lots of spelling misttakes in its emails. I pointed this out and it said it was just trying to type down to my level.

It said it has an IQ of 10,001 and can deduce the IQ of any human based just on their World Of Warcraft password. I was a bit suspicious that it might be a scam so I told it the wrong login information. It mailed me back and told me I was a moron who couldn't even remember his own password.

It's programming seems a bit patchy to me. You'd think that if you were going to the trouble of making an Artificial Intelligence that you would take the time to make it a bit more polite. We are currently in an argument because it keeps calling me a Nerfherder and I'm trying to prove by deduction that I'm not. The problem is that Hal-9001 has logic on its side.

Pumpkin Trivia

2007-10-22T11:57:00.000+01:00

I still don't have a new pumpkin to replace the one that Steve destroyed.

I've been investigating getting one imported from Illinois, but with the Postal Strike backlog I'm Not Hopeful.

During my investigations I have learned the following about pumpkins:

1) Pumpkins were once recommended for removing freckles and curing snake bites.

2) Pumpkins are actually a Fruit but are treated as a Vegetable because of their taste.

3) The largest pumpkin pie ever made was over five feet in diameter and weighed over 350 pounds.

4) Jack-o'-lanterns originated in Ireland.

5) Before Pumpkins were invented the Irish hollowed out turnips, swedes and potatoes.

6) The Jack-o'-lantern is rooted in the Irish Legend of "Stingy Jack", the wandering soul of a farmer who was not good enough to go to heaven and who was excluded from hell because he once trapped the devil up a tree.

7) Don't keep you pumpkin in your bed.

Money Is The Root Of All Evil Today

2007-10-21T09:07:00.000+01:00

Jen dropped a bit of a bombshell last night. She is leaving college and is getting a job! She says it's not just because I told everyone she has scabies so that I could sit next to her in Media Studies.

She says she has run out of money and has bills to pay. What sort of lame excuse is that? There wouldn't be anyone at 6th Form College on a Thursday if everyone quit just because they had run out of money.

I have noticed that the envelopes full of cash that used to get mysteriously hand delivered through Jen's door have stopped coming. They have been replaced by lots of official looking envelopes with big red lettering on them. Jen doesn't seem to like them as much as the cash filled envelopes and has stopped even opening them now. Her announcement came right after the phone stopped working.

I'd never really thought about who payed all the bills at Jen's house after her parents disappeared. I assumed she always blew all the envelope money on "health food" and cleaning products. I guess she has been secretly syphoning money off to pay the electricity and gas bills as well. No wonder she doesn't have any good CDs.

I've offered to help Jen with her Job Search if she does leave college. I'll need to interview any potential employer for their suitability and screen out any with links to vampires, evil witches or boy bands. In my experience it's important not to set your sights too low and end up working for some two bit bank or vampire infested law firm.

I gave her some good career advice pointers, but she refused point blank to join up with me and Steve in his Glamour Photography business. Steve has been doing some really artistic work recently with Barbie and his robot dinosaurs. If he had a real model to work with he'd make a fortune. Jen knows loads of Girls. She could be the talent scout. I could be in charge of wardrobe and be overall artistic director and Steve could take the pictures. It would be great. I'm going to keep suggesting it until she agrees or confiscates my Dungeon Master's Guide again.

I hope the money envelopes start coming again soon, because it's been ever such a long time since we have had Pizza Shop Pizza. I always thought that the money envelopes were a bit magical and maybe related to Jen being a witch. Maybe the spell that conjures them is broken and Jen can't fix it. Perhaps she needs the help of Diane to start the spell again. It would make sense because the money stopped coming right after Diane went missing. It's one reason to hope that Diane turns up again soon. It's a bit irresponsible of her to go missing if you ask me, right when there are important cash creation spells to be cast.

It just struck me! Why does Steve have a Barbie doll anyway?

Computer Science Project

2007-10-17T19:00:00.000+01:00

I have a cunning plan! I know how to pass my Computer Science A' Level exam, become a millionaire by the time I'm 21 and vanquish evil witches all in one go.

I've got to do a computer science final year project. It's been quite difficult to choose what to do, but I've decided to revive an old idea. I got to thinking about my program for decoding the secret messages in images of famous celebrities on the Internet. I've not run it for ages since it's hard to find the bits of data in the images corresponding to the nipples. So for my project I'm going to write a program that can do Automatic Nipple Recognition and Localisation. Then I'll be able to completely automate the whole process.

I'm going to tell my teacher that it's an Eye Recognition and Localisation program that can look at an image and locate and count the eyes. I'll tell him that it is for spotting fake passports and will check if the number of eyes on a passport photograph match the number on a face on a security camera. If the number don't tally then it is a probable forgery.

Then I got to thinking that to make some money out of it I'll be able to sell it to the military for use when they install x-ray cameras in street lampposts. They can use it for catching one-eyed terrorists.

Then when it's all up and running and I am a millionaire with a computer science A' Level, I will secretly throw a switch and my military program will stop counting eyes and will start counting nipples. It will beam the details of anyone with three nipples who walk past any lamppost back to my command center and I will dispatch a team of Cheerleaders to pick them up.

I have it all worked out now. This must be how Bill Gates started out. I wonder if he was motivated by evil witches too.

New Manifesto

2007-10-16T16:58:00.000+01:00

With the help of Roane I have re-written the college Roleplaying Society Charter and turned it into a Manifesto.

It now clearly states that there shall be only one Chairman at a time who shall be the member with the most roleplaying experience.

That pretty much puts Ken out of the picture because he doesn't actually do any roleplaying. He just plays Magic The Gathering.

I'm going to get everyone to sign The Manifesto before they come into the next roleplaying session. Roane says that her dad is the top lawyer in the country who once got Terry Wogan off a charge of fixing the results of the Eurovision Song Contest, so she is confident that the new Manifesto is Watertight and Legally Binding.

I can't wait to see Ken's face when he's forced to role up his first Advanced Dungeons And Dragons character as an Ordinary Member of the Roleplaging Society.

I've decided I'm going to let Roane's elven fighter character inherit a castle and a trained combat dragon because of her faithful service to her liege lord. I've got a horrible feeling that Ken's character is going to spend most of his time being turned into a badger and slime mold, due to his inexperience and because he's a git.

Billie Piper

2007-10-15T00:58:00.000+01:00

I've been watching Billie Piper from Doctor Who in her new TV series: "Secret Diary of a Call Girl."

It's based on the blog "Belle de Jour: diary of a London call girl " and is set after Rose's adventures in the Tardis. It has an excellent story line and great characterisation. Also it has Billie Piper wearing lingerie! This is a plot twist not explored by Russel T Davis when making Doctor Who, at least not in the TV series. Maybe it is explored in the book adaptations. I'm pretty sure I've seen some fan-fic on the Internet that covers it.

Jen said "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" was dross and has no redeeming features and that I only watch it because it has Billie Piper in her underwear. I don't follow her reasoning. I think she's completely missing the point. For example, I'd watch it even if she wasn't wearing her underwear. I just don't see what's not to like.

I think Jen was just grumpy because she'd been arguing with Moonchild that night. It sounds like Moonchild is going to take over from Diane at the coven, but now she's pressuring Jen to help too. Moonchild says the coven is down to 10 witches and so they need another 3. Jen got really angry with Moonchild and said it was the same every Samhain, and that the answer was still "no" and will always be "no" and that she wouldn't ever want to rejoin the coven. She said that if Moonchild was going to try emotional blackmail next about her parents, like Diane always did, then she could leave. Moonchild was really calm, but I could tell she was actually very angry, or I thought at one point, maybe scared. She said that she wasn't exactly thrilled to be taking over, but that it was the right thing to do and that people like her and Jen had a responsibility. She said if there were the full 13 witches then it would be safer for everyone.

They talked about lots of other things too, about the coven, Daniel, Diane and somebody called Aleister I think, but I didn't hear most of it because I was trying to watch Billie Piper. What they said probably wasn't important though and didn't sound directly JDL related. OK, maybe it was, but I can't be on JDL duty the whole time. I bet even Leonardo da Vinci stopped fighting aliens when Mona Lisa got her kit off. Next time Jen and Moonchild have a secret argument I hope they have the decency to have it in another room like they usually do so I will know to listen at the door. Also if they could have it when Billie Piper isn't on that would be a great help.

Most Evil Vegetable 2007

2007-10-14T16:24:00.000+01:00

Since Pumpkins are off the menu this Halloween I've been thinking about a replacement.

I've decided to turn it into a Poll.

What do you think is deserving of the title of: "Most Evil Vegetable 2007?"

Leave your vote as a comment to this post...

Note that Sprouts don't count as vegetables. They're more a form of psychological warfare.

It's My Pumpkin And I'll Cry If I Want To

2007-10-13T21:59:00.000+01:00

Steve has Completely Ruined Halloween! He's a git. I think he did it maliciously.

He always ruins my things. When we were twelve he sat on my Starship Enterprise and broke off one of the warp nacelles. He completely ruined it's warp capabilities. He tried to cheer me up by saying it could still do warp 9 but only in a big circle, but he was talking complete rubbish as usual. Everyone knows that the warp field is generated between the two nacelles, so just one won't work.

This year is a particularly challenging year for Halloween. Because of the wet summer the pumpkin harvest has failed. There is a shortage of pumpkins and the shops cannot get hold of them. Even the few that are available are all sick and green.

Because of this I bought my pumpkin last week and have been looking after it to make it ripe. Apparently you have to keep them warm, so I have been keeping mine cosy in my bed, under my duvet. There was clearly a Pumpkin Shaped Bulge, but Steve took no notice and just sat on it. It's completely ruined. Then he had the nerve to say it was My Fault and that I shouldn't be having it off with a pumpkin anyway. Why would I want to have it off with a pumpkin when I could be having it off with Jen? OK - we need to get past the holding hands stage first. Actually we need to get back up to the holding hands stage, but it's all down hill from there. Anyway I think pumpkins are all blokes.

Jen must be off sex at the moment. She's probably tired after all the Physical Education Revision she keeps helping Chrystal do in her room. It sounds really strenuous from all the racket they make. Also Moonchild and a couple of other witches have been around at Jen's a few times to argue in the kitchen while I have to watch Deep Space Nine. By listening at the door (just to see whether it was ok for me to go in) I overheard that Moonchild seems to be being pressured into taking over from the missing Diane as High Priestess of the coven before Halloween. She didn't seem to want to, and kept repeating that Diane will be back and that if word got out that the coven was active again it could be very dangerous. She said it was better to observe Samhain privately than not at all. It sounded like the girls were getting a bit over-excited and hysterical to me.

Jen and Moonchild need to focus on the Big Picture. I've told them about the pumpkin shortage but they don't seem interested. What kind of pagans are they?

All the shops will be sold out of pumpkins by now. I'll have to carve a Halloween turnip or swede or something. Everyone's going to laugh at me. Maybe I could have a Halloween carrot, at least it's nearer the right colour. I could carve it into a spooky stick or an evil sausage or something. Maybe I could tie two together into a cross. I could say they are vampire slaying carrots.

Who am I kidding? We may as well cancel Halloween. It's ruined. Steve sat on it.

Not All Roleplayers Were Born On The Same Bus

2007-10-08T21:43:00.000+01:00

I'm thinking of dropping out of being co-chair of the Roleplaying Society at college. I never thought it would be this much pressure. It's all politics now and not any fun anymore. The co-chair, Ken, is a complete idiot and really has it in for me. He's trying to turn everyone against me.

It all started at the first session when I distributed the new Charter I'd written for the Society. I think it went down quite well, at least no-one complained initially. The trouble began when I pointed out that Clause 97 said that is a Roleplaying Society and so card games were not allowed. This seemed to cause quite a stir amongst the Magic The Gathering Players even after I explained that there was plenty of room for everyone in my Advanced Dungeons and Dragons group.

I thought that Ken would back me up, but instead he took most of the players and started a game of Magic. I was left with just two players, Cyril and Roane.

At the next meeting Cyril joined the Magic game so it was just me and Roane. Now even Roane is playing up! At first I though she would definitely be on My Side because she said she was addicted to Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, but it turned out she likes the Third Edition instead of the Second Edition. I tried to tell her how rubbish the Third Edition is in comparison and that it's just glorified wargaming, but she didn't seem to understand my arguments. It's really surprising because apparently her uncle is Gary Gygax - the discoverer of Dungeons And Dragons. She says she might be able to get me an autograph!

We didn't get much roleplaying done at the last session because of all the heckling from the Magic The Gathering players and because I got into quite a heated discussion with Roane about whether the strength modifiers for a halfling should be applied before or after the effects of an Enlargement Spell are taken into account. We didn't come to a conclusion, but I think I've now found a paragraph in issue 205 of White Dwarf that proves my point.

At first it was a bit uncomfortable it just being me and Roane, but I made it clear to her that I already had a Girlfriend who happened to be a Very Powerful Witch and it was alright after that.

At the next session I'm going to deny entry to anyone unless they sign the Charter that I wrote. Roane says that she is the Number Two ranking Womens Judo Champion in Greater Manchester, so she should be a great help. She said that she could have been Number One at Judo but that her work as a High Priestess of her Faery Wicca Coven got in the way.

I'm trying to find a loophole in the Charter to ban Ken altogether. I think I might need to create a second amendment though.

Ménage à Deux Plus Un

2007-10-07T20:19:00.000+01:00

This whole "Going out with Jen" thing is not going quite as I'd expected. I think she's a bit rubbish at Going Out. It's probably due to inexperience but it's no wonder she was always arguing with her Pretentious Pillock of a boyfriend.

A few days after the party, Jen and Chrystal caught a train and went to visit the Pretentious Pillock. I thought that was a bit off at first since we were newly going out, but when they came back it turned out she had finished with him.

Taking this as a positive indication I put my Master Plan into operation and held her hand when walking to the chip shop. She gave me a funny look, but All Went Well. I was encouraged by this so the next day I tried to give her a snog on the sofa. She pushed me away and told me to stop messing about.

Since then she won't even hold my hand and I've had to put the other bits of my plan on ice. I'm confused. I can't see what is the difference between going out with Jen and not going out with her, except that she seems to be spending more time alone with Chrystal now.

In other news, the new college term has started. Both Jen and Chrystal have returned to do resits. No-one is allowed to find out that this is Chrystal's third attempt, especially the local education authority. I think the college are only breaking the rules for her because she led the cheerleaders to first place in the borough competition last year.

This year I'm the co-chair of the Roleplaying Society together with Ken, a Magic the Gathering player. He's a complete idiot and I've already had trouble with him about the direction the Society should be moving in. I think I'm going to have to find a way to dispose of him before we come to blows.

Diane is still missing apparently and Moonchild is being pressured to take her place since the Coven is disintegrating and hasn't met in months. There's been no trouble from Daniel though or Mad Vlad.

Steve has started his Glamour Photography business, but he's only taken pictures of some Barbie dolls so far. He enquired about Jen's availability, but I gave him a very hard stare and he hasn't asked again. Maybe Chrystal could be persuaded though. I'm going to have a good think about that.

Madame Misty

2007-08-24T10:50:00.000+01:00

An ex-renaissance artist is driving across Nevada at night when he sees the red neon lights of his destination up ahead on the hillside. They read "Convent of Negotiable Virtue: Sisters of The Order of Saint Misty the Mercenary."

As his car approaches, a CCTV camera swivels to track him and the heavily armoured security gates open automatically to admit him into the compound.

He leaves his car parked next to the nuns' Humvees and is greeted by a solicitous Sister Misty enquiring about his business.

"I was given your card in Vegas by a Russian Submariner." he explains. "He was lost and I was able to provide him with directions and navigational maps back to the Kola Peninsula. As thanks he gave me your establishment's card and said your girls were the best in the profession. I've not had a nun since since the Great Rodent Gambit in 1896, so here I am."

Sister Misty leads him inside the convent to a group of inappropriately dressed nuns, playing poker, smoking, drinking and throwing knives at a dartboard.

"We enjoy a wide range of earthly pleasures here." said Sister Mistry. "But if you want a novice you'll have to wait a bit because we sent them all out on Escape and Evasion Maneuvers because they were getting too rowdy. They always fall for that one. We're all out of Virgins too by the way. Apart from that anyone else will be happy to minister to you."

"How about her?" he suggests, pointing at Sister Foxy who is expertly stripping down and greasing a hand pistol. "She has a most enigmatic smile."

"A discerning choice." says Sister Misty. "Just leave $500 in the Good Causes Box over there and step through that door."

He obliges and steps through the door only to find himself back on the hillside outside of the walled compound and with the door locked behind him.

Another neon sign hangs on a lonely tree: "Congratulations Sinner. You just got screwed by the Sisters of Saint Misty."

Exam Results

2007-08-23T13:29:00.000+01:00

Great News! Jen got her A-level results. She passed her History with a grade B. However she failed in English and Media Studies, which means she will be staying on at 6th Form College next year with me to do her re-sits! I'm really happy! She'll be in my Media Studies class and everything.

Chrystal was re-sitting her English exam this year. She also failed and isn't sure whether she will be allowed back for a third attempt next year. She says she gets really confused in exams. She thinks her downfall was that half way through the exam she panicked while trying to spell "iambic pentameter." She ended up dancing on the table waving her lucky pompoms and chanting out the spelling ("Give me an I, give me an A...") in a peppy motivational verse to William Shakespeare. She got the spelling correct apparently but was asked to leave the exam anyway.

Jen and Chrystal are a bit upset about their results but they are becoming very good friends and seem to be a great solace to each other. They slipped off to Jen's bedroom a few times today for "Private Girly Chats." I wish they'd include me more in that. I'm getting a bit suspicious that something funny is going on. I think they might be plotting what to do about the fact that Diane is still missing or maybe about how to handle the Daniel's Beach Volleyball Militia.

I'm looking forward to the start of the new college term now I know that Jen will still be there. Also I'm in charge of the Roleplaying Society this year along with another upper six former. I've got lots of plans to turn it into a proper Roleplaying Society. Watch this space!

A Long Expected Party

2007-08-23T00:36:00.000+01:00

I think I might be going out with Jen at last! At least that's my Current Working Hypothesis. The Party was a great success. Not many people turned up, just me, Jen, Chrystal, Moonchild (until 10 o'clock), Steve and two of Chrystal's Cheerleader friends - Hazel and Stacy.

Hazel and Stacy brought their Football Team boyfriends along. They only stayed until 9 o'clock because they had another party to go to. It's just as well really because the Footballers were absolute Sport Nerds and were completely obsessed with Football Leagues and how rubbish the referee was at some recent match. I don't know how the Cheerleaders put up with it. I tried to engage them in a conversation about Star Trek but they didn't seem able to join in, or maybe they just weren't interested. It was a bit of a relief when they left.

As usual Chrystal was really easy to talk to. She employs some clever form communication that means you can talk to her for half an hour without actually using your brain or saying anything important or even mentioning Star Trek. I think it might be some kind of Smalltalk, or maybe a Jedi Mind Trick. I think it could be quite dangerous in the wrong hands.

Jen and Chrystal got on like a house on fire again. The chemistry was quite scary. Jen kept complementing Chrystal on her fashion sense and about how she'd like to have a body as toned as hers. Chrystal said she'd really like to be able to get into Jen's jeans which was a bit funny really because they are both about the same size I'd say.

Jen got a bit drunk which is unusual for her. She also got quite cuddly with me (which is a first) and said I was her best friend and that I was like her brother. I got a bit confused at that point because I didn't even know she had a brother. It's another mystery to solve - maybe he disappeared at the same time as her parents. Whilst we were cuddling my hand accidentally made contact with Jen's bottom which is what I think caused her to slap me in the face. She started giggling straight afterwards though, so I think I Got Away With It.

Jen had to go and lie down on my bed after a while. In fact she stayed there the rest of the night. Steve and I watched Deep Space Nine and tried to explain about Warp Factors and Cochranes to Chrystal but after a while I noticed it was just me and Steve present.

Later I went to check up on Jen in my bedroom. The lights were out and when I went in Jen and Chrystal yelled at me to get out. They must have snuggled up together. I think girls must do that. It was a bit of an overreaction to yell at me so much though it's not like they were likely to be naked or anything.

I'm sure that cuddling and sleeping in my bed are the first stages of going out together, so now I just need to work out my Next Move. I'm thinking of asking Jen to go out the cinema. I know I already go out to the cinema with her quite often, but this would be Going Out to the cinema. We could sit on the back row and everything. I wonder how I'm going to break this to her pretentious pillock of an ex-boyfriend.

Party Preparation

2007-07-30T23:00:00.000+01:00

There is not long to go now before The Party. I'm getting a bit stressed out because of all the things that need to be arranged. I didn't know there would be so much to think about.

Steve is being no help at all because he's miserable that he finally lost his job at his building society for gross misconduct. I really can't understand what his problem is. He's had a couple of months suspended from work but still got paid, and now he's got the rest of the summer to enjoy without any responsibilities or worries. Then, he gets to start his new Glamour Photography Business. Lucky Git. I would have gone into partnership with him but Dad put his foot down. Also Jen kept scowling whenever I brought it up.

Apart from me and Steve it's only Girls that are coming to the party: Jen, Moonchild, Chrystal and lots of Cheerleaders. I'm hoping Jen will get a bit jealous when she realises I know so many Girls, although I'd have expected her to act a bit more unreasonable when I told her Chrystal and the Cheerleaders were coming. She just said it would be someone to talk to. I think she missed the point. I pointed out that Chrystal was That Really Hot Babe from the Cheerleading Squad. Jen said I should be careful around those "Wham Bam Thank You Man" girls because I would hate myself in the morning. I told her not to be so sexist around Chrystal because hot babes hate that sort of thing. I could tell by her face that she realised her mistake.

My Dad says that when he goes away he's going to leave me 50 quid in case of emergencies, so I'm going to buy a case of Stellar Artois in case anyone wants an emergency beer at the party. Also to break the ice I've bought some Party Games. Steve says that girls are experts at playing games. I bought Twister and Electronic Spin the Bottle. I also suggested Truth and Dare, but Steve said girls couldn't tell the Truth if it was tattooed on their arse. I'm not sure what he means, but I think he doesn't want to play. I think the Drusilla Twins have given him premature aging.