This intriguing trifecta – sex, food and money, are three of the most sought-after pleasures life has to offer. Yet, we’ve all suffered the extremes of having too much of a good thing – when longing becomes lusting and increasing stress and anxiety lead to obsession.

But there are warning signs if we choose to listen, whether they are nagging little thoughts at the outer regions or outrageous behaviors that become hard to ignore. These warning signs indicate perhaps seeking help is a good idea, around about – now.

In this first of three articles, I’ll address sexual addiction and reveal how you can develop awareness and mindfulness into your behaviors and take the first steps towards a healthy, loving, fulfilling sexual relationship.

Awareness of When the Healthy Becomes the Unhealthy

Like other addictions, sexual addiction is difficult to address until one accepts that there’s a problem and that takes awareness of how your behavior may be affecting your everyday life.

Sadly, it’s often a major event that signals to an addict that it may be time to seek help such as a breakup over an affair or a health crisis. So, learning about various types of sexual addiction becomes key.

Dr. Patrick Carnes, a noted sex addiction expert and author of “Don’t Call It Sex” outlines a number of problematic sexual behaviors that can indicate addiction:

• Fantasy sex involves an obsession with a fantasy sex life that’s so overwhelming that one stops having genuinely love sexual relationships.
• Seductive sex involves manipulating and charming others into numerous sexual relationships and affairs.
• Anonymous sex involves feeling aroused by strangers to the exclusion of forming personal relationships.
• Paying for sex and trading for sex are two forms of business arrangements that preclude an emotionally healthy sexual relationship.
• Voyeuristic sex involves becoming aroused by watching other people have sex through pornography or secretly watching people have sex.
• Exhibitionistic sex involves flashing parts of ones body in public, posing for photos or having sex where other people can see the sex taking place for the purpose of causing shock or disapproval.
• Intrusive sex and exploitive sex involve touching others sexually without their permission; often in relationships in which one person has authority over another.
• Pain exchange sex or S & M involves associating pain with sexual pleasure

Awareness of Behavior & Triggers

Awareness of our motivation to perform certain behaviors is key, particularly when faced with an addiction.

Identifying those triggers that precede our behavior then, is the first step to determining our motivation. When do we engage in this certain behavior? When we are vulnerable or feeling unloved or unappreciated by someone significant in our lives? Is it when we are feeling “blue” or as if we “deserve” to act a certain way because, well, life is just too short not to do what we want?

A thoughtful analysis of the triggers that precede a troubling behavior is an important step to bringing awareness and clarity to the behavior itself and allows you define what you do want.

For instance, in the case of sexual addiction, the goal is most probably a healthy, loving relationship that feeds both your body sexually and your soul – a relationship in which your self esteem is intact and in fact bolstered, simply by being accepted as the sexual, exciting being that you are!

Mindfulness to New Behavior

If insight and awareness into how your behavior may be contributing to an addiction is the first step, then mindfulness to a new set of habits and behaviors, including the visualization of a goal, can be considered a critical second step.

Mindfulness can take many forms including:

• Education about what constitutes a healthy sexual relationship
• Individual counseling and/or marriage and family therapy
• A support system like Sex Addicts Anonymous
• Confiding in those close to you who care about your success
• Following religiously, the repetitive tasks that you’ll determine are necessary for success, even in the face of everyday struggles

If you’re experiencing sexual behavior that’s difficult to stop or that you’re keeping a secret from others, or if you’re using certain behaviors to numb yourself from feelings of discomfort or to avoid responsibilities, there is help.

Developing respect for yourself and others and creating a healthy, loving sexual relationship are critical to your self-esteem and happiness – and are absolutely attainable!

Upon meeting them I asked them to describe what it would look like if we were to be successful working together. Paul described that they would be “like they used to be”: they would be fighting less, having more fun and she would stop being so critical and angry. Jane said that she would feel more loved, have more attention and feel special. She blurted out, “Paul would act more married to me than he does to our dog, Fluffy”!

I led them through a guided meditation where they were able to reconnect to their positive memories of having met and fallen in love. I then had them express some appreciation for one another. They left, holding hands and eager to get started in therapy.

During the second session, each reported that they had experienced “a better week”. In this session, I taught them to express their frustrations with one another by using a structured dialogue process. I coached them to listen deeply to the other, mirror what theyʼd heard, validate their partnerʼs position and empathize with their feelings.

In this way, they were able to stop the escalating pattern of argumentation and really begin to understand each otherʼs worlds.

Over the course of the next 6 weeks, their communication improved and their affection for one another seemed to increase. They reported less fighting and a renewed commitment to one another. Then, on the 7th session, they came in with a crisis. Jane was enraged and unable to look at Paul. I asked him to listen carefully as she talked about her anger at him and I mirrored her words. It seemed that Fluffy had recently broken her leg and was needing more attention. Paul had gone back to his previous level of attachment and caretaking of her and Jane was feeling neglected again. She noted that he had taken off work to be with the dog (although he had refused to take the day off work to celebrate her birthday), that he was being overly affectionate and loving to the dog (whereby he was frequently unavailable and cold to her) and that he had even moved out of their bedroom to sleep with Fluffy in the guest room!

As I listened to her words and empathized with her feelings, her anger began to soften and the underlying hurt and fear came out. At this point, I asked if it would be okay for Paul to hold her. Safe in his arms, I asked her to tell him about how this situation with the dog reminded her of other times in her life when she had felt neglected and replaced. She sobbingly recounted for him the story of how her father had left her mother and abandoned her when she was young. He held her and comforted her and she relaxed.

In the weeks to come, Paul and Jane were able to continue expressing their needs in the safety of the dialogue process. Both began to see how their individual behaviors were triggering old pain and defensive reactions in the other. Jane became aware that Paul withdrew and “got cold” when he sensed her anger or displeasure. He was able to trace this back to his childhood and the way he learned to protect himself from his motherʼs potent rage. Paul was able to see how his ignoring Jane and lavishing love on Fluffy caused Jane to feel neglected and replaced. Together they engaged in healing one another in safe dialogue and empathy.

After several months, this couple moved to coming in about once per month. They report feeling “in love” again and more conscious about their relationship. They still argue once in a while, but have the tools to bring it back around quickly to a safer dialogue. Both are loving and taking care of Fluffy and Jane no longer feels that sheʼs in competition with her. Recently, Jane and Paul told me that they might just be ready to start a family….uhhh, with a human baby, that is.

“My son wants to live with his Dad; what do I do?”

Suddenly the joint custody arrangement you shared with your ex-husband no longer meets your
child’s needs – at least in his mind – and he has made the decision that he’d like to live with his
father full time.

While to your son this may seem a logical request, to you, it signals the end of a relationship and
the closeness you once shared – and you may even be taken aback at the emotions you’re
feeling and unsure where to turn.

The reality is that we all change as we grow and develop, but while you may have noticed certain
developmental changes taking place in your son, this request from seemingly left-field, has the
potential to be particularly hurtful to you.

I’d like to share with you several critical strategies for coping with your son’s request and the
feelings that may arise for you, and for maintaining – indeed strengthening – the bond you share.

Strengthen the Bond You Share

In order to cope with your son’s wish to live with his father and this challenging situation, you
must take care of your own needs and desires while remaining calm and meeting those of your
son as well. Communication is key to learn what’s at the core of his request, as is being realistic
about your son’s developmental needs and the relationship you share with your son’s father.

Keep in mind that the mother/son bond is strong. Actor James Dean once commented on his
rebellious, troubled nature by saying, “My mother died on me when I was nine years old. What
does she expect me to do? Do It alone?”

And of course we’re confronted with daily reminders of the complexities of joint custody out of
Hollywood with entertainers like Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller, Pete Wentz and Ashlee
Simpson, Gabriel Aubry and Halle Barry, and of course one of the most famous couples Kevin
Federline and Brittney Spears, attempting to establish a “working” parental relationship with their
wives, while seeking custody of their sons.

While your circumstance may not play out in the headlines, it’s no less heartbreaking and
emotional. The bond between mother and son though, cannot be broken by a simple change of
address. This is an opportunity to strengthen, rather than diminish, your bond with your son.

Recognize Your Son’s Developmental Needs

Your son’s needs become more complex as he ages. Many of the needs he may be trying to
meet can be difficult and as women, we can only speculate as to the culture that a boy must
navigate when growing into a man.

During your time together, you’ve taught him certain things he must know to be a kind,
compassionate man as he matures, taking care with the small lessons that present themselves
daily: Opening doors for a lady, listening, taking others feelings into consideration – a myriad of
lessons only you can teach.

His father has the ability to teach him other skills necessary that we, as mothers, cannot– most
typically through modeling. Confidence, risk taking, how to treat women and develop respect for
his body are just several of the skills his father can impart. Bonding between father and son is as
critical to your son’s development as a man, as the bond the two of you share.

Having said this, it’s important to point out that it’s just this potential for modeling that keeps many
woman from recognizing any positive aspect of a relationship between father and son.

As one woman asked, “How can I protect my son from my husband’s “modeling”? Indeed, it’s
unnerving to even entertain the thought that a person with whom you have conflict or even
animosity towards, could be in any way a role model for your son.

In this case, it’s advisable to examine the relationship that you have with your ex-husband and
begin to separate that from his abilities as a father. There are certain aspects of his personality
that attracted you at one time. Perhaps these should be readdressed so you can form a more
non-emotional view and not allow the conflicts that may still be present to cloud the relationship
your son could build and enjoy with his father.

Uncover the Reason Behind the Request

A boy’s needs are different as they age and his request to live with his father may, in his mind,
meet those needs more readily than what you can provide him as a woman.

Children – even 6’2” adult looking children – live in the moment. They tend to feel, act, and think
in their own best interest; this is necessary developmentally to become their own person. This
though, carries its own hazards, such as hurting others, even unconsciously.

It’s important to consider the reason for your son’s request to live with his father and this takes
communication. So, what are the possible avenues to explore?

Perhaps it’s a surface type of desire like the almost vacation-like atmosphere of part-time living
that he may experience with his father currently.

The time frame that most fathers have custody of their kids is Saturday and Sunday, two days of
fun in anyone’s week! Once the reality of a Monday through Friday schedule along with school,
chores, and after-school work is experience, the novelty of being in a different environment may
begin to wear off.

Another important aspect of weekend custody is that everyone is on their “best behavior” – easily
accomplished when there is such limited contact. Behavior changes though, when contact is
more regular and prolonged with discipline and expectations becoming more of a factor.

So, perhaps it’s more freedom from “rules” your son is seeking, or perhaps the promise of the use
of a car, etc. Whatever the reason – try to listen.

And then there are the deeper needs he may be seeking: Perhaps he needs to establish a bond
with his father as he has with you. This is a good thing. Whatever conflicts and emotions that
may remain, or may still be in play with your ex-husband, your son has one father and in all
circumstances, a strong, loving relationships with both parents is the best situation for him.

Your Ultimate Goals

Taking your own feelings into consideration is just as important as those of your son and his
father. Spend some time to think about the following questions and consider reaching out to
friends, support groups, or a therapist to discuss the following:

Describe the best qualities of your son(s)
What are you most proud of as a mother?
What is your biggest concern/frustration/heart break with your son(s)?
How does your relationship with your son’s father affect your relationship with your son?
How is rearing a son(s) different than rearing a daughter(s)?
How have you learned to stay connected with your son(s)?
What advice would you give a mother with a younger son(s)?
Is it useful to talk to other mothers about your son(s)?

Your ultimate goal is much like that of every loving mother: A healthy, strong son who has a
loving relationship with both you and his father. While it’s an on ongoing challenge, it’s one
worthy of both parents.

Suggested Reading for Parents of Sons
Giving the Love that Heals, Harville Hendrix, PhD
The Roller Coaster Years, Charlene C. Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese
How to Say It to Boys, Richard Heyman, Ed.D
Real Boys, William Pollack, PhD
Strong Mothers, Strong Sons, Ann F. Caron, Ed.D.
Raising a Son, Don Elium and Jeanne Elium
Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, Dan Kindlon, Ph.D.

But for modern romantics, science has some encouraging news: Our body equips us with some natural and powerful aphrodisiacs, along with the tools to make romance last.

Humans have evolved three different brain systems to encourage mating: sex drive (lust), feelings of attachment (trust), and romance (being in love). Each of these systems plays a role in desire, and scientists are now beginning to pinpoint the bodily chemicals that trigger each.

Lust. Sex drive is associated with a class of hormones called androgens, particularly testosterone (yes, women produce it, too). Today women with low libido can get a prescription for testosterone, even though it’s FDA approved only for use in men. But women can also increase their levels without medication. Playing competitive sports has been shown to trigger testosterone production; in fact, women get a bigger boost than men during a competition. Making love can also create the same effect. Studies have shown that sex raises testosterone levels, so the more sex you have, the more sex you desire.

Trust. Feelings of trust and attachment are fostered by the chemical oxytocin. In a study conducted at the University of Zurich, couples who used a nasal spray containing oxytocin before discussing an ongoing marital conflict were more likely to engage in friendly, positive communication than those who didn’t take a whiff. You can stimulate oxytocin naturally with touch. Hold hands while you watch TV, trade massages, or sleep in each other’s arms.

Love. The third chemical that drives relationships is dopamine, a key player in the brain’s reward regions that’s been found to promote romantic love. Research shows that novelty—taking risks or trying something new—can trigger the release of dopamine in the brain. I’m not just talking about novelty in the bedroom (although that would be a good start). You can get the same effect from sampling a new type of cuisine together or riding the roller coaster at an amusement park.

Clearly, we are born to love, with those feelings of elation that we call romantic love deeply embedded in our brains. But can those feelings last? Or does our body’s love chemistry wear down over time?

This was what my colleagues and I set out to discover in 2007. Led by neuroscientist Bianca Acevedo, our team searched for people who said they were still wild about their longtime spouse. Eventually we scanned the brains of 17 such people as they looked at a photograph of their sweetheart. Most were in their 50s and married an average of 21 years.

The results were astonishing. Psychologists maintain that the dizzying feeling of intense romantic love lasts only about 18 months to—at best—three years. Yet the brains of these middle-aged men and women showed much the same activity as those of young lovers, individuals who had been intensely in love an average of only seven months. Indeed, there was just one important difference between the two groups: Among the older lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead, there was activity in the areas associated with calmness.

We are told that happy marriages are based on good communication, shared values, a sturdy support system of friends and relatives, happy, stable childhoods, fair quarrelling, and dogged determination. But in a survey of 470 studies on compatibility, psychologist Marcel Zentner, of the University of Geneva, found no particular combination of personality traits that leads to sustained romance—with one exception: the ability to sustain your “positive illusions.” Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other.

I’ve seen this phenomenon, known as “love blindness,” in a friend of mine. I knew him and his wife-to-be while we were all in college, when they both were slim, fit, energetic, and curious: a vibrant couple. Today both are overweight couch potatoes. Yet he still tells me she hasn’t changed a bit.

Perhaps this form of self-deception is another gift from nature, enabling us to triumph over the rough spots and the changes in our relationships. I’m not suggesting you should overlook an abusive husband or put up with a deadbeat bore. But with Valentine’s Day upon us, it’s worth celebrating one of nature’s best-kept secrets: Our human capacity to love… and love… and love.

Adapted from the work of Helen Fisher, Ph.D.

Well, it’s that time of year again. I’m hoping that all of you, my friends, family, clients and therapy seekers are having a nice season. I know that it can feel rushed and overwhelming, at times. The season seems to demand more time, energy and money than we have. Many of us may feel that our resources are already taxed and then along come these new ways to stretch even further.

Breathe….

Seriously, breathe. Rushing around, multi-tasking, and ignoring self-care, create stress. And stress shoots a hormone, cortisol, directly into our bodies. Too much cortisol leads to fatigue, decreased energy, irritability, impaired memory, depressed mood, decreased libido, insomnia, anxiety, impaired concentration, crying, restlessness, social withdrawal, and feelings of hopelessness. And if that didn’t get your attention, stress also leads to overeating and weight gain!

So, I’ve compiled a short list about how to navigate these holidays more easily:

• Focus on what you Love about the Holidays
• Eliminate or Simplify what you don’t absolutely Love
• Ignore TV and magazine versions of the Holiday Season
• Practice Mindfulness: Be Fully Aware of the Present Moment
• Let Go of Other People’s Expectations
• Stop Being a Perfectionist
• Rise Above the Guilt
• Listen to the Wise Men…Give to those in Need
• Be Unconventional
• Get out of the Kitchen (Or IN if cooking relaxes you)
• Cut Down on Spending by Making a Budget
• Be Aware of the Pull to Overeat and Drink

If you follow these simple guidelines and remember to take a few moments to yourself everyday, you’ll  have the best chance of truly enjoying what the Holiday Season offers.  Below are a few tips for beefing up the Self Care this year:

• Spend 10-20 minutes each day in silent thought, meditation, or prayer
• Get some exercise
• Go for walks outdoors
• Play
• Listen to your Favorite Music
• Take long, hot baths
• Eat healthy foods and drink soothing herbal teas
• Laugh as much as possible
• Connect with a loved one
• Do something that Matters to only You

One last word.  Depending on our Childhood Memories, some of us can get triggered into real Clinical Depression at this time of the year.  If you find yourself experiencing anything more than the usual “holiday blues” and these suggestions just don’t seem possible for you, then please call and schedule an appointment with me.

Wishing you love, peace, harmony and true  joy this Holiday Season!

]]> http://www.mkcocharo.com/happy-holidays/feed/ 0 http://www.mkcocharo.com/happy-holidays/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=happy-holidays http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/MaryKayCocharo/~3/pFvtDcn23ho/ http://www.mkcocharo.com/premarital-workshop-on-saturday-september-11-2010/#comments Tue, 07 Sep 2010 19:56:52 +0000 admin http://www.mkcocharo.com/?p=262 Saturday, September 11, 2010
9:00 to 6:00 pm
St. Monica”s Catholic Church
725 California Avenue
Santa Monica, California 90403
Reduced Rate: 200 per couple, includes workbooks

Couples who participate in premarital education and counseling have 30% lower divorce rates. Don’t spend hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars preparing for your wedding day and forget to prepare for your marriage! Email or call me today to reserve your spot.

Mary Kay

Couplehood is often a difficult road to travel.  But one thing we know, it is a spiritual path that calls us into wholeness and completion as human beings.  It is God calling us to our highest selves. We fall in love and get married and then all the unfinished business that we bring into the relationship starts to emerge.  Not knowing how to deal with it, we often argue and fight and feel disconnected.  But we know we want to stay together, we are committed to each other and in some way we feel unsure of what to do.  If so, this series is just for you!

This six week program is an educational adaptation of the book, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and his wife Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D.  The book has sold over 2 million copies and has been translated into 20 languages.

What is it about?

It’s about learning a powerful skill that will radically transform your relationship into a conscious one.  It is also about establishing an ongoing program for couples in the church.  Couples who take the course and would like to teach it are encouraged to offer it to other couples in their homes.

It’s about using these skills to:

Improve your relationship with your partner

Dissolve long-standing conflicts

Heal childhood wounds in the safety of your love for one another

Grow into your full potential

Transform the “space between” you into sacred space

Grow spiritually together

Create a better society through conscious partnership

Who it’s for:

If you are a couple, it is for you!  The course is open to all couples who are interested in improving the quality of their relationship.  This includes:

Couples who have a good relationship and want to deepen intimacy

Couples who have a difficult relationship and want to restore connection

Couples who are near divorce and want to find an alternative

Couples who are not married but want to learn better relationship skills

Where?

Classes will be held at St. Mel Church, 20870 Ventura Boulevard, Woodland Hills, California 91364

When?

Monday evenings 6:30 to 8:30 pm from June 7 through July 19

Cost?

$300 per couple includes all 6 classes, materials, and workbooks.

Some scholarships are available.

“Couple Celebrates 80 Years of Marriage!”

Just a sensational headline? Incredibly, no!

The latest in a number of marriages highlighted in the news over the past year tell the remarkable story of Mitchell and Mattie Atkins of West Philadelphia.

Married on January 14th, 1930, they were honored recently by family and friends at an anniversary party celebrating an incredibly rare 80 years together.

Mr. and Mrs. Atkins join a very small but extraordinary group of other couples who have celebrated an 80 year wedding anniversary. What are the secrets these amazing unions hold for us? Is it possible for love to last a lifetime?

Bill and Marie Decaro held the distinction of being the longest married couple in America on June 19th, 2009 when they celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary. When interviewed, they both said that laughter helps make every day special.

As does good communication, it appears: “We don’t believe in getting mad at each other, we express ourselves, but that’s the extent of it,” Mr. Decaro said.

In Britain, Walter and Beatrice Postings, married on March 27th, 1929, related the following in an interview at their anniversary party: “It’s all about give and take”. Mrs. Postings is even more succinct saying, “I just love him and that’s it.”

They still hold hands on their frequent walks and when enjoying each other’s company in the lounge at the residence home in which they live.

Is love destined to fade? Clearly, the answer is no. But there are things we can learn from those who have formed such a deep and lasting connection.

It’s Mr. Atkins who reveals many of the “secrets” that we as therapists know and impart to our clients. Let me share three of the most important with you now:

Secret #1
 Don’t Deny the Power of Chemistry!

“She was the prettiest thing in the whole world,” said Mr. Atkins, 97. “And she’s still the loveliest, he said. “I fell for her right away, the first time I saw her. I liked the way she dressed and her hair. She was active. She was energetic.”

Ah, the power of attraction is chemistry; it sets the relationship in motion and as Mr. Atkins so movingly relates, it can last a lifetime!

Romantic love, symbolized in art, song, literature – and movies (!) as “Cupid’s Arrow” and “Love Potion #9”, is actually chemistry between lovers.

Endorphins, the “feel good” hormones, are responsible for that first rush of excitement and pleasure. Known as the romantic love stage, this is the initial time chemistry is felt between the couple.

Once the relationship deepens, Oxytocin, a hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter, known as the “cuddle hormone” is released helping form a bond and increased level of attachment to one another.

Derived from the Greek for “swift birth”, Oxytocin was most commonly known for its effect in three areas: 1) the stimulation of breast milk; 2) the stimulation of uterine contractions during childbirth; and 3) maternal bonding.

In fact, recent research shows that Oxytocin has a great deal of effect on our social behavior as well. Produced by both males and females, Oxytocin has the added benefit of producing feelings of security and contentment. It’s responsible for our feelings of calm and connection with our lover and is key to bonding.

Interestingly, Oxytocin is unique in that the more that is released, the better the feelings and feedback, and these feelings in turn release more Oxytocin.

So, is there a natural ebb and flow to romantic love?

Well, with every positive – a negative is possible. Research also shows us that acute stress inhibits the release of Oxytocin and does affect various feelings like empathy, trust and generosity, threatening the bond we’ve developed.

However, this awareness provides us with the opportunity to stave off stress, and further deepen our bond because the theory is, once Oxytocin is released, one need only see one’s partner to release more Oxytocin. Its release is responsible for that warm feeling you get, just seeing your partner walk toward you with his or her special smile and gaze meant especially for you.

Thus, the cycle is set in motion. As more Oxytocin is released, feelings become more intense and subsequently more Oxytocin is released and so on until – bonding deepens!

Secret #2 
Appreciate Each Other, Every Single Day

Every time Mr. Atkins saw his wife, he had a present for her; and every Friday a florist delivered a dozen rosebuds to her.

“You have to have a habit of doing things like that,” Mr. Atkins explains.

Mr. Atkins knew instinctively the key to developing and maintaining a true connection with his beloved wife Mattie: that couples should appreciate each other, every single day.

Along with actions such as establishing a regular date night for just the two of you, provide positive, verbal appreciation to your partner daily.

A particularly effective way to show this is by saying, “I appreciate when you ________________ because it makes me feel ____________________.

Take the time to thoughtfully consider how you would fill in the sentence so that it truly expresses the uniqueness of your partner and his or her place in your life and relationship.

Secret #3 
Seek Help When Necessary

Romantic love does ebb and flow but as we see, using what we know of chemistry and its role in our feelings of bonding and connection, it’s in our control to help it flow the way that we want.

Keeping the romance within a relationship isn’t always simple; we’re all pulled in a dozen different directions each day.
It is possible though to learn to affair-proof your marriage (a tip: if you find yourself attracted to someone else, consider it a wake-up call!), learn communications skills, develop tools to resolve conflict, create intimacy and passion, and much more.

And if you’re just starting out on the fantastic journey that’s marriage, consider pre-marital therapy. A wedding is exciting, no doubt, but it’s also a time ripe for conflict.

As a wedding present to yourselves seek help with a therapist specializing in pre-marital therapy who can help you with complex relationship issues like lifestyle expectations, personal issues and habits, problem solving, religion and values, sexuality, finances, and more.

“Love, Love, Love Each Other …”

Lastly, no matter whether you’ve been married a month, a year, or a decade, keep in mind perhaps the most eloquent words spoken by Mattie at the end of their anniversary party: “Love, love, love each other. It’s beautiful – beautiful to be old and still be in love at our age.”

Have you ever heard it said, “Change your thinking, change your life”?  This wise saying is based on the notion that we participate in the construction of our realities. In other words, what we focus on, is what we create.  Many people use up most of their air- time and mental real-estate with negativity, “poor-me’s”, and complaints.  Is it any wonder that they cannot break free and create the life they wish they had?  Whether it’s with career, physical health and appearance, or relationships with loved ones, let 2010 be the year where you intentionally focus on what you’re really trying to create.

Many times, I ask my clients to imagine that while they are sleeping soundly and comfortably tonight, a magic wand passes over them and creates all of their dreams.  Further, I ask them to imagine and to describe what life tomorrow morning would look like once this “magic” had occurred.  I ask you to do this same exercise and to record, in detail, the elements of your “preferred life”.  Who would be there, what would you be doing, how would you look and feel, how would you be contributing, where would you be, how much would you be earning, and so on.  You get the picture.  I even recommend that you take it one step further, and after you’ve written your vision for your life, you cut out some pictures from magazines and glue them on to your very own “vision board”.  In this way, you’ll have a physical representation of your intentions that you can look at and focus on all year long!

So, shift your thinking from “New Year’s Resolutions”, which feel like chores and are usually forgotten by February, to visualizing your perfect life and putting your focus on creating it in 2010!  Happy New Year!

“Forget the Family Drama & Escape to Barbados for the Holidays!”

Memories of last year’s holiday brought a sting of realization that she still wasn’t talking to her sister after a big fight.

There would be questions and accusations as always – and she would be the bad guy.  Again.  And with that, Emily was making reservations for Barbados before she even realized what was happening!

In his book, “When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People: Surviving Your Family and Keeping Your Sanity” (2005) Leonard Felder, a psychologist and author relates that his research shows fully 68 percent of those he interviewed said they found family functions “frustrating or unenjoyable”.

It’s inevitable that expectations run high during the holidays.  We all have a tendency to compare the ideal families we see portrayed in advertising to our own and for many of us, these comparisons sadly fall short.

Your Family of Origin

Awareness is key in learning how your present feelings for the holidays relate to the past – whether you’re truly looking forward to time with family, or are dreading it – are influenced by your past.

Your family of origin is that family in which you grew up, typically parents and siblings, but your family or origin would also include extended family such as grandparents if they lived with you.  This is the family that had the greatest impact on your formative years and who may be exerting the greatest influence on whom you’ve become as a spouse and parent.

Why do these family issues seem to loom so large?  If you grew up in a healthy family environment, you likely learned the benefits of compromise and negotiation in your own marriage and are in turn, teaching those skills to your own children.

Your challenge is greater if your family of origin experienced serious issues such as mental illness, abuse, alcoholism poverty, infidelity or divorce, however the rewards of taking on this challenge can be immense, particularly to your present family.

Triggers & the Reptilian Brain

It’s important to recognize what precipitates your feelings about family holiday events, particularly extreme feelings like dread.  “Triggers” can include people, places, words, sounds, smells, and tastes – nearly anything that precipitates a certain feeling or emotion.  As you can imagine, the list could be endless when speaking about our family of origin!

These triggers are instinctual and originate in what’s known as the reptilian brain, a part of the triune brain responsible for basic fight/flight or freeze reactions.  Confronted by even a perceived stressor, an automatic and unconscious reaction occurs:  cortisol is released into the system resulting in anxiety, depression – even physical illness.

Social situations, particularly those that are emotion-laden during the holidays are ripe for triggers.  Recognizing them provides you with valuable insight.  A good way to determine what might trigger emotions for you is to ask yourself, “What pushes my buttons when I get together with my family?”

Keeping in mind that we all act from our own perspective allows you to gain emotional distance from these triggers and their resulting emotions and look at the situation from a more logical viewpoint.  What would you tell a friend who was relating her story?

How to Align Your Expectations &

Focus on the Possibilities for the Holiday

Consider your family of origin as a mini-culture to which you belong.  Now consider the other cultures you belong to:  your own present family, your work, your place of worship.  It’s difficult, if not impossible for everyone to get along at all times, let alone have consensus.

Your control over your family of origin is limited of course, as it is for us all, but you can control how you respond to the challenges that arise.

We all frame our thoughts in a certain way which affect how we respond to a situation:

Some people see an event as a problem; others view it as a learning experience

Some people focus on detail; others focus on the “big picture”

Some people focus on what’s happening to them personally and others focus on what’s best for the team (or family) and

Some people thrive on conflict while others seek to negotiate conflict.

You get the picture; the way others in your family frame their thoughts may be in direct opposition to yours, but recognizing this and appreciating their uniqueness allows for a more serenity during the time you’re together.

Self care is especially important during the holidays.  Be a role model and establish your own boundaries – then follow through!  Self care can take many forms; for instance, if staying with family causes you stress, make hotel reservations for the length of your stay.

Awareness of activities that bring you pleasure is one way to ensure your own self care.  Whether you’re staying close to home or visiting out of town family, it’s important to invest in your own well being.  Devoting time to quiet meditation, indulging in a luxurious massage or spa treatment, enjoying nature – even maintaining your exercise routine (modified is OK!) helps keep you healthy during times of stress.

Just as important as self care activities that bring you pleasure, is the avoidance of other activities that may not be in your best interest long-term, like excessive drinking, enjoying food that’s less nutritious, and spending excessively, to name but a few activities that look particularly attractive when you’re feeling vulnerable or stressed.

Perhaps the most empowering form of self care during the holidays is selecting those with whom you want to spend your time.  Develop an awareness of those who support and nurture you; they may not be your “family of origin”, but they can be your “family of choice”!

Family of Origin Therapy

If you find that family of origin issues are too overwhelming to handle on your own or they’re affecting your present family, your spouse or children, therapy may be the answer.

Your therapist can help you examine your family background, its communication style, traditions, and patterns of behavior, thought and emotions and help you gain a new perspective.

Escape to Barbados – indeed escape of any kind – is not always possible, or in your best interest.  Resolve to change your approach to the holiday season and lead the way in leaving family drama behind!