I am a Browns fan. I have no rooting interest. Some would say I should root against the Patriots because Bill Belichick was not well-loved when he was the Browns coach. I don’t live in the past when it comes to the Browns. As a matter of fact, I don’t live in the present. The only place a Browns fan can live is in the future. In the future the Browns will win the Super Bowl.

I will admit there is scant evidence that this will happen anytime soon. It does not matter. This is how we cope.  If we were to dwell on the last decade or so of Browns performances, we would only become bitter and cynical.

So on this day of great excitement or disappointment for Patriots and Giants fans, do not despair. ONE DAY THE BROWNS WILL WIN THE SUPER BOWL!

You might think it odd that I refer to a guy who was formerly a professional baseball player as “poor guy”, but I would not trade my life for his. No way, no how.  Although we might think it was good luck to marry a former Playboy bunny, they are now divorced.  “Matt Keough Divorce” is a suggested search.

I’ve banged up my body via lack of athleticism and not minding which step of the ladder I was on. But I’ve never been drilled in the head by a ball hit off the bat of a MLB player, so another suggested search, “Matt Keough brain injury“, doesn’t apply to me either.

This humble blog does show up for “Matt Keough 2011“, which makes sense. I am Matt Keough and I did write at least a few posts in 2011.

I’m really glad nobody really cares about my “Matt Keough Stats“!

I feel fortunate that “Matt Keough arrested” is talking about the other guy as well. Behavior modification in later adulthood also gets credit for avoiding my true identity ranking well in Google for that one.

In short, while it may seem from the outside that the people in the spotlight are in a position to be envied, that really is not the case.  I wish the more famous Matt Keough nothing but better days ahead. I also wish us both less dramatic suggested search topics from Google.

Hank might not be the most well-spoke man, but he was not saying President Obama acts like Hitler, dresses like Hitler or is a vegetarian (like Hitler.) He was making a bad analogy. Any analogy that involves Hitler is a bad analogy, of course. It is unwise in every meaning of the word to evoke that kind of evil.

What amazes me, though, is the repetition by news sources that he compared Obama to Hitler. I guess the story was too good to check. I don’t think an honest person who watched the clip could conclude he was comparing the two men. You might just as accurately say he was comparing Boehner or Kasich to Hitler, if you applied the same (lack of) logic.

Also, while it irritates me the way the story was framed, it also irritates me that anyone would invoke the First Amendment to defend Williams. ESPN isn’t the government, and they can play pretty much any song they choose before Monday Night Football. It is not as though many people will see it anyway.

This is why I despair. One or two people do not make a television commercial. Even low budget commercials have a whole team -  writer, producer, editors, camera operators, a director and an audio guy. How is it that not ONE of these people paused to remind the others that “Celebration” is a horrible choice of music for a Memorial Day ad?

Memorial Day is meant to remember and honor the military men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice – the sacrifice of their life – in service of our nation. How can any adult think that this is akin to a celebration? Have we strayed so far from understanding what this day is intended to represent that we only think of a day off of work and picnics?

While I think giving thanks to veterans and those currently serving in the military is important and honorable, Memorial Day isn’t even the day set aside for this,  Veteran’s Day and Armed Services Day fill this role.

Please take time time to really reflect on the true meaning of Memorial Day, even if the advertisers and the rest of the world tries to distract you.

To keep it concise, here are some items I would like to cross off.

1. Ride in the Goodyear blimp. Goodyear is about to convert its fleet of blimps to dirigibles, so this is an urgent matter. I ask any of my friends with a direct line to Goodyear public relations the help me make this happen.
2. Skydive. This one is simple. But I’m a pretty large guy and have the little voice inside my head saying that the parachute couldn’t handle it.
3. Get a bad ass tattoo of St. Michael driving a sword through Satan’s head. I can’t decide if it would be in color or where I’d get it.
4. Travel to Ireland
5. Travel to the Vatican
6. Buy a nice bit of land somewhere in the country with a little cabin and some water to fish in.
7. Fly in a WWII fighter plane
8. Kick the winning field goal in the Super Bowl. (OK – that’s not going to happen, see next item)
9. See the Browns field goal kicker kick the winning field goal in the Super Bowl.
10. Hit the winning home run in the World Series. (Sigh -see the next item)
11. See the Indians win the World Series

So there you have it, the things I’d like to experience before departing this life. I don’t really expect my blog readers to help with any items other than #1. If you happen to be a member of the Cleveland Indians, the Cleveland Browns or a tattoo artist let’s talk.

Today I finally “unliked” REM. That is not to say that I dislike REM. If you knew me in my college radio DJ days you could hardly imagine I would ever renounce my affinity for the four from Athens. A few things happend in the meantime.

1. The four from Athens became the three. In early interviews REM insisted that each member was integral to what the band was. Bill Berry left the band, and they didn’t disband. Can’t say I blame them, but it eroded some of the myth of their unique cohesion.
2. Green was an overtly political album. I support the right every American has to free speech. But don’t expect me to pay you for your opinion. I like jangly guitars and country-tinged harmonies. I don’t like being force-fed leftist sloganeering.
3. I saw a VH1 special in which Michael Stipe couldn’t hold a tune singing along to “Brandy” by the Looking Glass while he rode in the back of a limousine. He then insisted the song was misogynistic because it said “what a good wife you would be”. If you ever needed an illustration of a limousine liberal, save that image.
4. I grew up. Part of being young an really “into” music as a young man is the desire to identify your tribe. I never really was a conformist in that I liked big band, jazz, country and classical. But my persona was the guy who could pretend he knew what Stipe was singing.  As you get older and have some more real life experience behind you, it is less critical to identify with anything but your own perfectly flawed self.

So there you have it. I still like the music of Chronic Town, Murmur, Fables of the Reconstruction, Life’s Rich Pageant, Dead Letter Office, Document (particularly that one), Green, Out of Time, Monster, Automatic for the People. I just don’t care if you know that I do.

What I REALLY gave up was saying “That’s what she said” and drinking all soda. I did not have any problem at all forgoing the soda. Was only tempted a couple of times and I didn’t give in to the allure of sweet sweet aspartame. I’m not guzzling the stuff like I used to and I’m happy about it. I’d say I am proud of it, but pride is also discouraged.

The TWSS vow was harder to keep. I did well, but could not resist on some occasions. I know this nearly unconscious involuntary utterance is a bad habit not fitting the mature adult father and husband I am. I might mention that I was using that phrase long before The Office was on television. It was habitual even in my college days. I do think I was set up a couple of times by people who new I was avoiding that joke who fed me perfect lines.

What I learned this Lent? I can control what goes in my mouth better than what comes out of it.

The track I downloaded was from John McCormack. I was amused by downloading music recorded for Victrola distribution via the same channel that made Lady Gaga a star.

I recall my mother telling me that my grandfather Murphy enjoyed John McCormack recordings when they were most popular. I enjoy the idea that his great-grandchildren will at least hear the recordings he enjoyed, perhaps they will enjoy them as well. They are part McCormack on my father’s side, so perhaps there is a familial connection as well.

After I found the music on iTunes, I realized the site www.archive.org has a very deep catalog of historic recordings of 78s and similar media. It is an incredible web site and you can spend hours browsing the collection. I highly recommend if you have any interest at all in music history you check it out. (They also host the Wayback Machine that will reveal what many websites used to look like)

Enjoy the Collected Works of John McCormack at Archive.org > http://www.archive.org/details/JohnMcCormack

You know what the most obvious thing about Ash Wednesday is, right? It is the one day every year that Catholics (like myself) can be easily identified because of the black ashes on their foreheads plain as the nose on your face.

Hopefully, we are all being great Witnesses (in the pre-LeBron sense) and you can tell we joyfully live our faith every day. But being realistic, today it is really easy to point out the Catholics. They will know we are Catholics by our smudge.

Another well-known practice is that Catholics are required to fast on Ash Wednesday. It is a pretty moderate fast, in the spectrum of fasting. It basically boils down to “Eat Sensibly”. But still, we throw a big bit of dirt on our face when we fast today.

Here is the kicker; the Gospel reading every year is the same – Matthew 6:1-6, 16-18 which contains:

And when you fast, be not as the hypocrites, sad. For they disfigure their faces, that they may appear unto men to fast. Amen I say to you, they have received their reward. 17 But you, when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face; 18 that you appear not to men to fast, but to your Father who is in secret: and your Father who sees in secret, will repay you.

I’ve asked a couple priests and I’ve heard more than 30 homilies, yet I still can’t wrap my mind around why we do this. I admire our Church for giving us this opportunity to challenge ourselves every year, but it still strikes me as odd.  If you’ve heard or read a really great explanation of this particular theological puzzle, let me know.

(And not to be uncharitable to my separated brethren, please don’t use this opportunity to try and convert me, thanks!)