Matt Morrison

The Academic Gender Trap

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Fri, 20 May 2011 10:42:00 +0000

I've recently had gender and academics on the brain. To illustrate what I'm thinking, here are some statistics that seem rather jarring when placed next to one another:

* Among 25-29 yr olds in the US, 36% of women had a bachelor's degree as of 2010, whereas just 28% of men had a bachelor's degree

* 57% of bachelor's degrees are being given to women, and only 43% are given to men.

* Here is a breakdown of male and female graduates by concentration, average starting salary, and percentage of graduates:

MAJOR SALARY % Male Grads % Female Grads
Chemical Engineering $59,361 86 14
Electrical/Electronics Engineering $55,292 78 22
Computer Science $53,396 83 17
Physics $51,102 87 13
Civil Engineering $48,509 76 24
Economics $48,483 62 38
Accounting $46,718 46 54
Business Admin/Management $43,701 42 58
Chemistry $41,506 36 64
Anthropology $35,163 32 68
Biological/Life Sciences $34,953 44 56
History $33,768 60 40
Sociology $32,033 29 71
Psychology $31,631 27 73
English $30,722 22 78

(Note: I complied this table from a wide variety of sources. Don't think of it as completely accurate, but more of a overview that gives a basic overview of the actual landscape, since the methodologies of each survey are probably wildly different.)

There is an unmistakable trend between majors that graduate a higher percentage of men and majors that pay more upon graduation. In fact, men make an average of $65,000 upon graduation, whereas women only make $49,000. In fact, this seems to be a worldwide trend.

It appears that women are encouraged to succeed academically, but not financially. That seems counter-intuitive, since the apparent purpose of getting a college degree is to learn a profession in order to support yourself. The disturbing question that arises is: why are women being encouraged to seek professions that do not allow them to support themselves?

As a Computer Engineering student/TA/instructor, I've noticed that the reasons that women give for washing out of the program are certainly more varied than men. With men, it's either, "I'm not smart enough" or "I don't have the time due to a job, ect..." With women, the factors are far more complex. Women are often expected to be around when family issues arise, even 19 year old sophomores. Men don't have to worry about overbearing boyfriends or wacky religious parents that randomly decide that their daughters should only get married and make babies. Men aren't constantly being told that they aren't as "masculine" if they continue in Computer Science, yet women are told all the time that their femininity is somehow compromised by their career choice. Observing this phenomenon from that perspective, it seems as though women who pursue certain careers are constantly told they can't do it, or that their success in the field is not in the best interest of their family or loved ones. But the weirdest aspect is that, despite all the external pressure, women blame themselves for those problem; somehow, it's their fault their parents/boss/boyfriend is the actual source of the problem. Not only are women put in a position to fail, they are then told to believe they were never good enough in the first place.

(The converse, of course, is that women who succeed in these fields are REALLY driven, precisely because they are often told they can't do it, which gives them motivation to prove them wrong.)

My theory is given a certain amount of credence by a study that was conducted at Stanford University about their female computer science students. "Females students were more likely to choose a science major if their parents were highly educated, if they had high SAT math scores and if they desired prestige and influence. Males, on the other hand, were likely to chose a science major if they had done well in their freshmen science courses, and if they had decided upon their major prior to entering college." (In other words, female students were much more likely to choose Computer Science if they had supportive parents who pushed them to succeed, whereas men seemed to choose the major if they were self-motivated). The results with respect to self-confidence were jarring: 30% of females doubted their abilities and 33% didn't answer questions in class because they were afraid that would reveal their inadequacies. Those numbers for men were 15% and 9%, respectively.

Ultimately, there is little I can do except encourage the women whom I am friends with (and, eventually, any daughters I have) to do what they want to do, and not let anyone stand in their way. I can't worry about my students or other people who are being put in a position to fail by their idiot friends.

It still sucks to see happen, though.

Beware The Uber Porn Machine

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 07:02:00 +0000

People often assume that, because I'm a comedian, I watch a lot of porn. And it's not just, "oh, comedians are perverts." They think that I have an encyclopedic knowledge of the history of porn, like I could make a Ken Burns documentary:

(Cue Ashokan Farewell)

January the 1st, 1863

Dearest Jane,

I witnessed an act of unspeakable shame and sin. A lady and a gentleman engaged in the act of fornication, and had their consecration documented! What tomfoolery! I must understand the mentality behind their sin, and will watch this 'pornography.' The indications are very strong that the pornographers will move against our rear flank in a few days. We don't know why they prefer the rear flank. They simply do. So, I send to you my deepest love lest I not survive.

Yours,
Clarence

The fact is, I don't watch porn. It's not because of some moral reason, but because when it comes to love, I am way too literal. For example, I was walking with this guy, and he pointed at this billboard of some girl in a bikini and said, "Hey, she hot! You think that's hot?" And I said no. And he got all mad. He started saying, "What are you gay? What wrong with you?" And I said, "I don't think that's attractive because that's not a woman, that is a wall. And I am not sexually attracted to walls." I'm way too literal. I don't want to read magazine porn, because that's just paper to me and I don't want to end up in the woods thinking, "I love every tree! I wish someone would cut one up and put an ink pattern on it that looks like Jennifer Connelly!"

That's why I don't have fantasies about lesbians. Because when people have fantasies about lesbian sex, they aren't just envisioning two women having sex by themselves. "Nah, I'm just over here. You ladies do your thing." They envision themselves with the lesbians. It's like the lesbians said, "oh, hi there stud muffin. We were just sticking our tounges in each others mouths to keep warm. But thankfully, you are here." But that's not what would happen. It would be more like, "umm, what are you doing here?" "I'm here to have sex with you ladies." "Umm, the reason we are having sex is because you have rejected your entire gender. We have no need for a penis in this situation. You are not necessary." Then I'd walk away in shame, which is literal now that I think about it. That's how every encounter with women ends for me, with me walking away in shame.

The words we use to describe porn are strange: porn and pornography. Porn sounds like the sound that actually comes out of the See and Say. The See and Say doesn't actually sound like the animal. You can hear the narrator just fine, but the next thing you hear sounds like a wino trying to imitate the animal. "The dog goes... porn." "The cow goes... pooooorn." Pornography sounds like a major in college. "I received my Doctorate in Pornography. I specialized in Advanced Fluffing."

I'm generally indifferent to pornography, which makes me feel insecure because everyone has some sort of moral outrage about porn, no matter what they think about it. People who love porn say, "You don't like porn? You know what would happen if there was no porn? The Pope would rule the world and the Inquisition would return and Gargoyles will swoop from the sky and eat puppies and Sarah Palin will reveal herself as the third horseman of the apocalypse."

Meanwhile, people who hate porn will say, "If you don't get rid of porn, America will be descend into a moral abyss where sodomy will replace arithmetic and Mrs. Butterworth will come to life to kill Betty White and Barack Obama will summon Cthulhu and Sarah Palin will reveal herself as the third horseman of the apocalypse."

But I don't care about porn. I don't watch it, but I don't hate it. However, I think there is one thing everyone can agree on, and that there is such a thing as owning too much porn. And "too much porn" is when the collection is so vast that you feel compelled to give it a name, like it is your own child. And giving a porn stash a name is quite the opposite of giving anything else a name. When you name a pet, that implies that you own the pet. However, when you name your porn collection, that's the moment it owns you. This is like a Nietzsche gone horribly wrong: Play not with the Uber Porn Machine, lest ye become the Uber Porn Machine.

Naming a porn computer is like naming a porn stash. If you came across your buddy's porn collection, you'd leave it alone. But you wouldn't go into your friend's Porn Lair. "Come into my Porn Lair, which is inhabited by orgasmic bats and kinky armadillos." No thanks, I'm not going into the basement from Pulp Fiction because I've been invited by the Caretaker of the Porn Lair. I'm afraid that Sex Bot 6000 would emerge from the shadows and force me to watch Hentai until my eyes bleed. NO MORE TENTACLES!

The thing about nicknaming yourself the Uber Porn Machine is that Uber is rather unnecessary. I think I could handle it if it was just Porn Machine, which actually sounds kinda cool. Like it's Sean Connery's car or something. "Hop in the Porn Machine where the video is you." No, it's the Uber Porn Machine. It's so huge that other porn machines are drawn to it's gravitational force, where they are assimilated like the Borg. "What happened to my iPhone?" "IT IS NOW PART OF THE COLLECTIVE! Resistance is futile... and kinky."

This is going to shock you, but the Uber Porn Machine was overweight and smelled bad. He was 6 feet tall and 450 pounds. According to the Body Mass Index, this makes him Super Obese. I didn't even know that term existed. Super Obesity. It's a category higher on the chart than Morbid Obesity! Imagine the poor doctor who had to come up with that phrase. "I'm sorry sir, but saying that your fat will kill you simply isn't adequate enough to convey just how fat you really are. You're so fat, it's almost heroic. Oh my God! Super Fat! You are super obese." Super Obese sounds like a Batman villain. "Oh no, turn on the Bat Signal. Super Obese has stolen another ice cream truck." Now, I know there is some debate about what is an appropriate joke and when it's OK to make fun of people for their personal appearance. Here's the thing: when you are more fat than man, it's funny. And don't give me this crap about crazy hormones! I understand if your hormones keep you from losing those last 30-50 pounds. But there is something called the second law of thermodynamics: energy can neither be created nor destroyed, only altered in form. The fat got on your ass because it was once a greasy, 20-lb meatball covered in chocolate sauce and cake. Your body cannot create more fat than it weighs unless you give it a lot of donuts.

But this got me thinking, if I came to you from the future and told you that one of your children would be the Super Obese Uber Porn Machine, would you actually have kids? How can you be? You should not exist! Darwin... explain this! You need to rewrite Origin of the Species. How does your theory account for the Uber Porn Machine? He would not have survived in caveman times. Saber Tooth tigers think of fat guys like pie... "Let him run, they taste better just after they've had hope!"

(That reminds me: It makes me sad when I meet a loyal dog, who is a good animal. The dog is kind and cool and loves everyone the way people should love each other. But that dog doesn't have the ability to contribute to society because the dog doesn't have thumbs. And then I look at the Uber Porn Machine, who isn't accomplishing anything. This makes me wish that we could trade the bodies of dogs and people. The Uber Porn Machine doesn't need thumbs... other than for masturbation! And if the Uber Porn Machine were a dog, he could lick himself. So, he doesn't need those thumbs! Give the dog the thumbs!)

The crazy thing is, I knew a woman who wanted to have his kids. Don't do that! Do not reproduce with the Uber Porn Machine! We do not need a bunch of Precocious Porn Machines running around! "Mommy, when will I be old enough to see Tentacle Hentai?" "When you've reached the age of reason!' Children's stories are different when your dad is the Uber Porn Machine. "Santa came down the chimney." "Daddy got me a pop-up book!" "Why did you get me a Wii remote but no Wii?"

Finally, I am often asked how to avoid the Uber Porn Machine. He strikes fear into the hearts of men and women the world over. Abandon all hope, all ye who enter here, Beware the Uber Porn Machine! If you want to avoid the Uber Porn Machine, go to locations where accomplishment is taking place. You won't find the Uber Porn Machine at school. The Uber Porn Machine isn't helping at the local soup kitchen.

A Counterfeit Adventure

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 08:01:00 +0000

Usually, when I'm called a racist at Wal-Mart, that is the most bizarre experience of the evening. However, when the Secret Service man angrily asked me how I came up with counterfeit money, I wasn't worried about the crazy Wal-Mart lady who yelled at me. Let me explain...

I needed some Fruity Pebbles, and it was 11:30pm so I went to Wal-Mart. I know that makes me sound like an alcoholic, but hey, I was hungry and Fred Flintstone's advertising charms had overcome my desire for sleep. So I went to grab some milk. A lady went for the same milk

"Sorry, I don't want to be obtrusive."

She looked at me and said, "Obtrusive?!? Excuse me?!?" She turned to her friend, and said, "can you believe that he said that? I can't believe someone would say something so... racist!"

Before I could respond (I was kind of shocked in silence), her friend immediately laughed and said, "That's not racist! Obtrusive means 'in your way.'"

That's when I chimed in. "Yes, I didn't want to be in your way. I was apologizing."

The angry lady started laughing and said, "Oh! You're were being racist. You were being nice! How sweet."
I figured, at that point, it was time to leave, because I didn't want anything weird to happen. The problem was, I was already doomed to failure. I had gone to the ATM to get some money, and when I made my purchase, the lady at the counter looked at my $20 bill, and it was fine. Then, she looked at my other $20 bill (ok, so I bought some other stuff besides milk and Fruity Pebbles. Like bad Chuck Norris movies.) and as it turns out, it was counterfeit. So, she had to take it to her manager, who had to look at it, all the while the people behind me are ready to call me nasty names. (Which was what I was trying to avoid!) So, the manager tells me that he has to keep the $20 and call the police.

Now, I'm Scottish by descent. I don't like giving up money, and I earned that $20! "Screw you, crappy ATM machine," I thought. "I'm not losing money because you suck. I'm sticking around and talking to these police officers and telling them the ATM machine is giving me fake money." Plus, I was stunned that the money got caught. I think that, if you are good enough to catch counterfeit money at Wal-Mart, you should automatically get a better job. President Obama

So, the cops show up, and one of them is a stereotypical 80s cop. Mustache. Aviator glasses that he won't take off inside a Wal-Mart. What was funny was, as they were interviewing me, a bunch of people were walking by and they were clearly trying to not be seen by the cops. Two guys even hid behind a rack of shirts like they were Charlie Chaplin.

"How'd you get this money, son?" He asked me. I told him got it from the machine. I showed him my receipt and that I only had the money in my wallet that was from the machine. So then, the cop proceeds to show me all the things they look for in a counterfeit. Awesome. I didn't know how to counterfeit a $20 bill, but I sure do now!

So, I have to wait for the cops to call in the information, and then I have to wait for the ATM company, who are thrilled to have to come out at midnight to get scorned by cops and Wal-Mart managers. So, the ATM people show up, and they get in a yelling match. This is when I discovered a very valuable life lesson: it is extremely unwise to get in a shouting match in front of cops who have guns and won't take off their aviator glasses inside. "BOTH OF YOU BE QUIET!" and they snapped to like soldiers. It was strangely awe-inspiring to be around that kind of authority, especially when it was like watching a bad 80s crime drama.

So, we actually watched the video of me get the money out of the machine. As it turns out, I apparently do a waiting dance while the machine checks my account balance. They followed me around the store, and I actually got to see my face when the lady called me a racist. After she walked past me, the look on my face could have been used to define the word "incredulous." It was weird to watch myself react to other people, and I kinda began to hate myself. "I don't know what they were talking about, but that jerk should be nicer to that lady. What an ass!"

Eventually, I got a new, real $20 bill and went home to go to sleep. Right as my head hits the pillow, RING RING! It was a call from the Secret Service! The cops had to call in the bill and give the information, and the Secret Service immediately called me. "That was fast. I'd hate to see what they'll do when they get their hands on Julian Assange."

At one point, the SS guy asks me, "so, I see you were in the Navy. You didn't do anything wrong in the Navy did you?"

My actual response: "No, sir."

What I wanted to say: "Well, as you know, people in the Navy are all secret pirates. We learn how to plunder and pilage and use excessive r's in ourrr language. And it was during my time in the Navy when Admiral Blackbeard taught me the fine art of making fake money!"

But, you don't joke with the Secret Service, or else you suddenly find locked in a bunker in some country most people don't even know exists.

So, what did I learn?
First, if this isn't an argument for debit cards, I don't know what is.
Second, 'obtrusive' apparently means, "I love the Aryan race!" Use that in your SAT preparations.
Third, If you are caught with fake money, the cops will probably teach you how to make fake money!
Fourth, people in the United States ~~pirates~~ Navy are more likely to counterfeit $20 bills.

Religious and Political Views

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 13:08:00 +0000

Here is a list of my religious and political views from Facebook

Political Views: Purple Rain
Religious Views: Chocolate Rain

Political Views: Moose
Religious Views: Squirrel

Political Views: Irrelevant after Tuesday
Religious Views: Irrelevant after Death (Monday before election)

I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's. - Mark Twain

In religion and politics people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing. (Mark Twain Week)

Political: Vote or Die! No, Seriously. Puff Daddy WILL KILL YOU!
Religious: Pray or Die! No seriously. John Piper WILL KILL YOU!

Political: Rent is Too Damn High Party
Religious Views: 2 Kings 2:23-24

Political: A bald eagle needs both left and right wings. Also, a beak and two feet.
Religious: Atheist Buddhist Confucianism Daoist Episcopalian Falon-Gong Gnostic Hindu

Political: Brought to you by the letters R and D and the number $7,000,000,000
Religious: Christinaity = Jew++;

Political: I moved on up to the east side, I finally got a piece of the pie
Religious: I wanna go where everyone knows my name

Political: I vote for the candidate who supports my religious views
Religious: I worship the God that makes me feel superior to you

Political: Fillabusta Rhymes
Religious: Nicky Minaj Mahal

Political: McCain for Prez
Religious: Snooki Want Smoosh Smoosh (Snooki Week)

Political: I know a guy who voted for Jesus
Religious: I know a guy who worships Obama

Political: Pilgrims
Religious: Indians

Journey to the Center of My Neurosis

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 06:12:00 +0000

I have been known, on occasion, of blowing things way out of proportion in my own head, to the point where I drive myself to insanity. Sometimes, I find it best to just put it out there, and let everyone laugh at how bizarre I am, if only to comfort me. This is one of those times. Let's take a journey to the center of my neurosis. Feel free to laugh at me. I'm laughing.

In short: I am currently suffering from a case of crippling awkwardness around a young lady. Normally, when I am like this, it's because I am smitten and have a teenage-type crush. However, this is not the case. I find myself awkward around her because of series of bizarre coincidences that I'd bet my life she's not even aware of. Today was another fun example of me stammering awkwardly through a conversation. By the way, the fact that I've gotten up in front of 4,000 people twice in my lifetime to do comedy, and didn't get nervous, yet get awkward near random people only drives me even crazier. And this is only tipping the iceberg. Here's the story...

Right after I moved down, I started working for the Athletics Department at USF. I made it a ritual to go somewhere else for lunch, because I simply had to get away. So, one day, I go to Burger King after a particularly long day. I was tired, and was zoning out. When I zone out, I tend to focus on things, and I happened to notice that the lovely lady in front of me was wearing these really cool penguin earrings. Now, you know when your tired, and the environment changes, but it takes a couple seconds for you to notice? Well, it took me a couple second to notice her turn her head towards me, and that I was going from "staring at her earrings" to "staring at her face." Once I notice, I snap out of it and profusely apologize. And she's really nice about the whole thing, and we make small talk. Once we got our food, I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I was thinking, "great, for her, I'm the creepy guy at Burger King for the rest of her life." And then I had what I've come to think of as Infamous Thought #1: "But, hey! USF has 40,000 students. What are the odds I will ever see her again?"

The very next morning... I'm working out in the gym at the Athletics Building. I'm on the exercise bike, with my head down, since I'm looking at the numbers on the screen. I look up, and the girl from Burger King is right next to me. I suddenly launch into one of the most neurotic thoughts I've ever had: "Oh, great, she's an athlete. I am so getting fired. I'm not just The Creepy Guy at Burger King. Now, I'm the Creepy Guy from Athletics who Followed Her to Burger King and Started At Her. I've only been working here two weeks, and I'm gonna get fired for being creepy at Burger King. I mean, it takes skill to be creepy at Burger King, yet here I am! Creepy McCreeperson. I don't wanna get fired... my puppy needs to eat." So, I come up with a plan! I figured that she was on the soccer team, but I was going to deliberately not learn her name so that I can claim plausible deniability; if my boss came up to me and said, "Do you know Laura Smith," I could say no and be telling the complete truth! All I'd have to do is not work out when the soccer team was, and by the team I had to work the games in the fall, I'll have completely forgotten who she is! This just might work!

(Needless to say, that was Infamous Thought #2)

The very next day... I get an e-mail from my co-workers asking me to work on a PDF for one of the online press kits for the sports teams. At this point, I'm home, relaxing in nothing but my underwear. So I open the e-mail and download the attachment. Bear in mind, I was using an HP, so there were issues with the download. Namely, the screen froze. So, I get frustrated and start pressing buttons. Apparently, without knowing it, I pressed Zoom a bunch of times. Here's what happened next: the screen went black for two seconds, then the girl from Burger King's face comes up and takes up the entire screen. I screamed, "Holy s**t," jumped out of my chair and - half-jokingly - yelled, "Get off of my computer, Demon Woman! Hmm... before I do anything, first step: pants. Put on pants." So I put on pants, and fix the PDF like I promised. Except, now I know her name. Great... Bye bye, plausible deniability.

Anyway, I didn't get fired, and nobody except me seemed to notice or care. A couple of months later, I make her acquaintance, and - as it turns out - she's impossibly nice, which is a bit of a problem. Every time she's nice to me, I can't help but think, "you don't deserve her kindness. You called her a Demon Woman whilst in your underwear! She should laugh you to scorn!" So, instead, I punish myself by getting nervous around her.

Now...

I know this is stupid. It's not like I'm going to say, "Get away, demon woman of Burger King, Soccer and The Internet!" in her presence. And it's not like I can tell her about it; that would make things much worse. So, I have to live in my fantasy world of self-imposed shame.

Which brings me to tonight. I attended the soccer game as a spectator, which is increasingly fun. I enjoy watching the game as well making jokes as people watching. For example, these two guys keep trying to flirt with some of the soccer players, and they were completely oblivious to laughs from the players and coaches. I would never do this, because I know that Dad is somewhere lurking, ready to strike. I want to get some people to the game and sit behind them, so we can egg them on. "No, they aren't laughing at you... they're playing hard to get! Say more stupid stuff. Girls dig inappropriate comments from strangers." Hopefully, I'll capture a YouTube moment of D-Bag Pwnage.

(Also, I hope we someday play the Israel National Soccer Team, so we can cheer, "Oy Veyyy Oy Vey Oy Vey Oy Veyyyyyy, Oy Veyyyyyy Oy Veyyyyyy.")

So, after the game, I stick around and chat with my friends who still work at Athletics, as well as a couple of other players I'm friendly with. The decidedly not-demon, and actually incredibly nice woman I'm nervous around is talking with the coach, and I decide to leave. I get to my car, and pull out my phone to send a quick message that I didn't want to bother her, but that she played well. I look up, and there she is! So, what's the first though that goes through my mind? "How am I always awkward around this person. I must be cursed." So, I waive hi to her, and then I notice her dad - a former Navy guy - is talking to her. I get nervous, because I don't like interrupting family stuff.

So, I said something brief to them. I'l be honest, I have no idea what words came out of my mouth. I could have said anything, which is dangerous with me, because I'm even more honest when I'm nervous. All I know is that I could not get to my car and back to my condo fast enough, and I feel bad about it. I don't like treating people that way. Yes, I'm better than the idiots who hit on players from the stands. And at least my puppy loves me anyway. Well, at least until I give her food. Then I am not to disturb her.

I have a problem, but at least I can laugh about it.

Qu'ran Burning Pastors vs. Egotistical Yuppies

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Sat, 11 Sep 2010 07:02:00 +0000

When Pastor Terry Jones decided to burn some Qu'rans on September 11th, I found myself reacting with sarcastic indifference. Perhaps I am getting a little older and a little more hardened, but I find the whole situation rather pathetic, both the idea of the burning itself and America's sadly predictable response. I responded by coming up with a football team consisting of the US Presidents and writing a bunch of silly statuses as an outlet for my annoyance with the public reaction to this "controversy." Here are some highlights:

* The most tragic part of the Qu'ran burning is that Pastor Jones is giving the handle-bar moustache a bad name. Goose Gossage must be furious.
* The most amazing part of the Qu'ran burning is that there are apparently people in Gainesville who can read.
* The sad part of the Qu'ran burning is that many Americans would be just as outraged if they burned copies of Twilight.
* If an alien were studying humanity, they'd write, "Humans will kill trees and put symbols of ink on thin slices of that tree. They think this is the message from the creator of the universe. When other people set these dead tree pieces on fire, those who believe that the dead tree pieces contain the word of 'God' are willing to kill the burners, even though these dead trees have the message 'Do Not Kill' written on them. Humans are profoundly stupid."
* Stuff White People Like: Mocking Pastor Jones
* There are going to be a number of Qu'ran burning copy-cats. You know what that means! Qu'ran sales will be going through the roof!

(Note: My friend Steve had a good one that I'll share as well: [Steve] needs to start an effigy business. Imagine: A rival nation does something irritable. Where are you going to get a Koran or American flag to burn?!?!? Some guy must have this market already cornered in the West Bank. Where do they get all those American Flags? Maybe I can franchise out....")

My friend Graham stole my thunder when he wrote a post about American yuppies using this as their cause du jour that accomplishes nothing except making them feel superior to [insert inferior idiot here]. This editorial in the Palm Beach Post illustrates Graham's point. The author spends the first five paragraphs ranting about the Bush administration's involvement in Iraq, the next 3 ranting about the media giving Pastor Jones the publicity he seeks. He then spends one paragraph saying that Muslim students at UF do not plan to protest - without mentioning their rationale at all, which is the most important point, and should have been the bulk of the op-ed piece - and then ends his article with one of the dumber statements I've read in a column:

Still, if extremists could use a stunt by a wacko preacher as an excuse for terrorism, isn't antipathy toward Islam justified? Obviously, murder is worse than burning a book, but fighting terrorism intelligently matters more than burning a book or blocking a mosque.

Don't try to make that make sense in your head. I re-read that paragraph five or six times, and each time my head hurt a little more. It makes even less sense in context. The point is: the article offers plenty of narcissism and little contributive opinion, and the inherent problems with that are the crux of Graham's excellent post.

--------

I want to point out that I do not agree with Pastor Jones. However, I do not disagree with him either. He can burn them, or he could not. I'm genuinely indifferent to his actions. It doesn't affect me, and - to be frank - it only affects the people and property immediately surrounding the fire. Everyone else is affected only if they allow it to affect them; the people angry at the Qu'ran burning can't be angry without their own consent. They could choose to ignore it, deciding that denying their enemies their hate will make their enemies nothing. However, when people decide to let themselves become filled with hate, that will invariably impact others, and that is why I decided to write a note about this. My thesis is simple: stop being stupid.

The obvious counter to this argument is that Pastor Jones' actions will incite the terrorists in Afghanistan to hurt the troops.
First of all, having talked to a few of my friends stationed in Afghanistan, the consensus seems to be that the terrorists and the "tits" (terrorists-in-training) are already mad and only use incidents like these to reinforce their well-entrenched beliefs, and that the number of people who liked Americans until the Qu'ran burning will be insignificant. Second of all, I get annoyed when people use the phrase, "think of the troops." When I was in the Navy, there were plenty of times where the public concluded that something was in the best interest of the troops, but nobody in the military felt that way.

(This phenomenon of thinking is captured eloquently in Secret Letter From Iraq, a letter written by a Marine officer about the true nature of the Iraq War. It's one of my favorite reads, and goes to show that - in the game of War and Propaganda - most of the political and economic benefactors have no fucking idea what they are talking about.)

I would also think that people will state that it is important to not do anything that will anger terrorists and cause another attack. I hate this line of reasoning, because it's obvious we learned nothing over the last nine years. In June 2002, about 9 months after the attacks, my ship made port in New York. We walked past Ground Zero, and the people at the gate informed us that people with military IDs could go inside the site. My friends and I actually went about a third of the way into Ground Zero before we stopped at a section they were still cleaning out. (Here are my photos from that experience) I remember the eery silence of it all; you could see people and machines doing work, but it seemed so quiet. To this day, it plain freaks me out. It also dawned on me that we are not fighting a much larger battle than we think we are.

If one believes that 50 people burning Qu'rans could really incite the level of hatred we witnessed on September 11th, 2001, then they are woefully ignorant of the way the world works. Hate of that magnitude is cultivated through decades of propaganda and cultural indifference. Like Chris Rock said, "whatever happened to crazy?" Why do these terrorist killers suddenly have to be rational? How many philosopher terrorists are there? I imagine the number of bloodthirsty terrorists who are well-read in Kant and G.K. Chesterton is very small. And I would guess that the ones who do are the ones who find young, angry idealists to commit Jihad for them.

While using the Qu'ran burning is undoubtedly being used as a motivating tool to keep the young idealists angry at the infidels, these incidents are not what is getting them in the door. It seems as though the focus of the anti-terrorism initiative is to address symbols; Iraq, for example, was supposed to be a shining light of democracy. However, I don't think that challenging symbolism will fix a problem that runs much deeper than symbols.

-------

I've chosen indifference to Pastor Jones because this is a smaller argument in a larger scale debate that started long before I was born, will continue long after I die and never has never asked for my opinion. It's like arguing the difference between Catholicism and the Church of England; one can debate points all they want, but the root cause of all the fuss is that King Henry VIII was horny, and the Pope didn't like it. I don't have a time machine that allows me to try to convince the Pope and Henry that their little debate will result in eventual death and anguish for millions of people, and I am not going to be able to convince a religious wacko that people aren't going to Hell if they don't specifically read from the King James version of the Bible. I'm not going to change people's mind on their beliefs, and quite frankly, I do not care to. My only objective is to illustrate that the reaction to Pastor Jones in excessive and idiosyncratic.

1) The church has 50 people. It's not like it's Joel Osteen's church, not that I'd be particularly concerned if it were 20,000 people instead of 50, and the reason is...
2) If Allah is truly worried that 50 American Christians are going to burn the Qu'ran, then perhaps he is not the "unique, inherently one, all-merciful and omnipotent God" that the Qu'ran claims Allah is. I suspect that an all-powerful being isn't going to be dethroned by 50 people in Gainesville, FL.

-----

One last issue I'd like to address: I would say that the overwhelming majority of people in America do not think Pastor Jones should burn the Qu'ran. However, a number of people will follow up their condemnation with a caveat to the effect of, "but the Qu'ran is evil, and leads to terrorism." When people say the Qu'ran is evil, they cite about 50 passages. Yes, there are some really bad things in the Qu'ran about killing homosexuals, infidels and having sex slaves. However, most people making that point are evangelical Christians, and they should bear in mind that the Bible is replete with actions one could easily consider to be evil as well. For example, God sends two bears to eat 42 kids because they called Elijah a "baldhead," a lion to kill a man because he refused to punch a priest, sends wild animals to kill the children of sinners, and orders his people to commit mass murder, infanticide, enslavement and rape of the woman at Amalek, Babylon, Jabesh-Gilead Jericho, Laish, Samaria and the Amorites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Canaanites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites all at once, to name a few. Heck, God gives general directions on what to do when a city is captured. Not exactly "turn the other cheek."

Like I said earlier, your chosen beliefs are of little consequence to me. Do not mistake what I wrote for some sort of anti-religious advocacy. (I have plenty of friends who are eloquent militant atheists and conscientious non-believers) It's possible that the Bible or Qu'ran are the literal words of God. I am inclined to think that is extremely unlikely, but hey, I am not God; therefore, I don't make the rules regarding the universe. My thoughts on the matter are not the end-all, be-all of the grandiose cosmic argument that is fueling Pastor James desire to burn dead tree slices. (I'm just willing to admit that I am not an expert) However, I do think it's fair for me to say that a Christian who claims the Qu'ran is evil should not be angry when a non-Christian turns around and does the same thing. Unless you think feeding children to bears is perfectly acceptable behavior. In that case, rational discourse probably isn't your thing, because I hope somebody said to you, "hey, maybe you should feed children to bears," and you replied, "fuck that! These bears are hungry, and these children are condemned by the Lord."

--------

My indifference is rooted in these facts: I am not the expert, so I'm not going to get all bent out of shape pretending to know things I don't know, and the people who are going to get angry were going to do so anyway, and care very little about what I think. It's 50 people setting dead tree slices on fire, and I am not going to let people claim they are anything else in order to get me infuriated.

But I wouldn't want to get between a pretentious yuppie and their disillusioned sense of self importance.

Solace from the Culture of Christianity

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 08:42:00 +0000

When I get frustrated with Christianity - not God and Jesus, but the insipid American Christian subculture - I find myself drawn to quotes from wise women and men, who endured these frustrations and achieved great things despite hatred and ignorance. I guess this stems from a pastor telling me a couple of months ago that, "you're intelligent, and that's a liability." Don't you hate it when someone says something that confirms every fear you have of an institution?

Anyway, here are some of my favorite quotes that convey my distaste for the culture of religion:

Often a non-Christian knows something about the earth, the heavens, and the other parts of the world, about the motions and orbits of the stars and even their sizes and distances, ...and this knowledge he holds with certainty from reason and experience. It is thus offensive and disgraceful for an unbeliever to hear a Christian talk nonsense about such things, claiming that what he is saying is based in Scripture. We should do all that we can to avoid such an embarrassing situation, which people see as ignorance in the Christian and laugh to scorn. - St. Augustine

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. - Emo Phillips

But I don't have to know an answer. I don't feel frightened by not knowing things, by being lost in the mysterious universe without having any purpose — which is the way it really is, as far as I can tell, possibly. It doesn't frighten me - Richard Feynman

I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires. - Susan B. Anthony

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe. - Albert Einstein

Why do you write to me "God should punish the English"? I have no close connection to either one or the other. I see only with deep regret that God punishes so many of His children for their numerous stupidities, for which only He Himself can be held - Albert Einstein

Faith must be enforced by reason. When faith becomes blind it dies. - Ghandi

Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there is one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear. - Thomas Jefferson

Men never commit evil so fully and joyfully as when they do it for religious convictions - Blaise Pascal,

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one - George Bernard Shaw

The essence of Christianity is told us in the Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the tree of knowledge. The subtext is, All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on. - Frank Zappa

Only those in fear of losing God defend his existence so fervently. - Adoniram

Nine out of 10 suicide bombers agree: God is Great

The church says the earth is flat, but I know that it is round, for I have seen the shadow on the moon, and I have more faith in a shadow than in the church - Ferdinand Magellan

I do not think it is necessary to believe that the same God who has given us our senses, reason, and intelligence wished us to abandon their use, giving us by some other means the information that we could gain through them - Galileo Galilei

Religion supports nobody. It has to be supported. It produces no wheat, no corn; it ploughs no land; it fells no forests. It is a perpetual mendicant. It lives on the labors of others, and then has the arrogance to pretend that it supports the giver. - Robert G. Ingersoll

All churchs beat the devil good, but they are very carefull not to kill him! - Wilfredo Hernandez

Creationists don't want equal time; they want all the time there is. - Issac Asimov

He that will not reason is a bigot; he that cannot reason is a fool; he that dares not reason is a slave - William Drummond

Pray to God, fine; but keep rowing to shore. - Russian Proverb

The most powerful nation on earth has millions of literate, educated citizens who actually believe a talking snake tempted a woman to eat a magic apple that caused her to be ashamed of her genitals? - Abraham Sandwich

We must conduct research and then accept the results. If they don't stand up to experimentation, Buddha's own words must be rejected. - The Dalai Lama

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also - Mark Twain

A tyrant must put on the appearance of uncommon devotion to religion. Subjects are less apprehensive of illegal treatment from a ruler whom they consider god-fearing and pious. On the other hand, they do less easily move against him, believing that he has the gods on his side - Aristotle

Schrödinger's Favre

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 00:08:00 +0000

I was reading the Nobel Lecture than Max Planck gave upon winning his Nobel Prize in Physics, The Genesis and Present State of Development of the Quantum Theory when it suddenly hit me! I've uncovered the greatest conspiracy theory in the annals of sports and academia! Here it is:

Brett Favre is being used by Physicists to teach Quantum Mechanics to the masses!

Here's my proof. First, here is Max Planck, Nobel Laureate and the founder of Quantum Theory:

And here is "Brad Childress" at a press conference as a coach for the Minnesota Vikings

See! We've established that Max Planck has figured out how to utilize black body radiation to develop a "fountain of youth." (Though, no such luck for reversing balding) He laid the foundations for this when he said, "A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it." So, he just decided to outlive opponents of quantum mechanics. He is now 152 years old, and at some point between his "death" in 1947 and 2007, he became frustrated with how the masses were still not understanding his quantum theories. "Sixty years!" he lamented as he reviewed game tape of the Chicago Bears. "And nobody has come up with a better analogy than Schrödinger?!? What an outrage! And how is Rex Grossman still the starter for the Bears? He sucks! He's even worse than Tavaris Jackson."

After watching the NFC Championship game that season, Max Planck knew that Brett Favre would waiver on whether or not to return to the Packers. This happened every season, and nobody truly knew what Brett would do. But, since Brett had never actually retired, everyone simply assumed he's come back. Max Planck realized he could use Brett Favre to teach people Quantum Physics. He secretly met with Favre to discuss his plans.

Max Planck and Brett Favre, on sabbatical, discussing how to apply quantum physics to the West Coast Offense.

You see, Max Plack realized he could use Brett Favre to describe a phenomenon called "quantum superposition." Simply put, a quantum superposition is the combination of all the possible states of a system. The actual definition of the Superposition Principle of Quantum Mechanics is as follows:

The principle of superposition states that if the world can be in any configuration, any possible arrangement of particles or fields, and if the world could also be in another configuration, then the world can also be in a state which is a superposition of the two, where the amount of each configuration that is in the superposition is specified by a complex number.

Obviously, that doesn't make much sense unless you have an understanding of what superposition is, wave functions, Fourier transforms and how protons, neutrons and electrons work. Even then, it's not exactly self-explanatory. To wit, Albert Einstein, Boris Podolsky and Nathan Rosen developed the EPR Paradox, where they addressed an issue which later became known as quantum entanglement:

"Either (1) the quantum-mechanical description of reality given by the wave function is not complete or (2) when the operators corresponding to two physical quantities do not commute the two quantities cannot have simultaneous reality."

Einstein compared this to an unstable keg of gunpowder: after a while, it will contain both exploded and unexploded components. However, we are only able to see the keg as exploded or unexploded. A quantum physicist named Erwin Schrödinger attempted to answer the EPR Paradox in this way:

A cat, along with a flask containing a poison and a radioactive source, is placed in a sealed box shielded against environmentally induced quantum decoherence. If an internal Geiger counter detects radiation, the flask is shattered, releasing the poison that kills the cat. The Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics implies that after a while, the cat is simultaneously alive and dead. Yet, when we look in the box, we see the cat either alive or dead, not both alive and dead.

This description produces 4 obvious problems:
1) Who does that to a cat? I mean, yes, cats are evil. However, it is decidedly unnecessary to put one in a box with poison and kill it.
2) The idea of an animal being both alive and dead is not inherent to people, making it a bizarre and ultimately difficult analogy.
3) Quantum Decoherence! Because lay people know what that is! Wait, they don't...
4) Seriously, who even thinks of doing that to a cat? Why not make it more demented by making it a kitten or a puppy? I can understand a pigeon! Why not Schrödinger's Pigeon?

Max Planck realized he could explain quantum superposition by using Brett Favre, as well as improve his quarterback situation, which consisted of Tavaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels. He convinced Favre to retire, and then traveled multiple times to give the illusion that Favre was waffling again, leading people to speculate whether he was truly retired.

Once people started complaining about Favre, Planck knew he had succeeded! By traveling to Mississippi multiple times, he was able to truly simulate the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics! Every summer, Planck creates the scenario where Brett Favre is simultaneously retired and not retired, making him the living embodiment of quantum superposition. Yet, when watch the Vikings play, we see Brett Favre as either retired or not retired, not both retired and not retired, explaining the inability of scientists - or Rachel Nichols - to interpret this phenomenon.

Quantum Physicist/ESPN Reporter Rachel Nichols at the lab in Mississippi, studying Quantum Superposition

This allowed Planck to use use Favre to explain Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle using this definition: it is impossible to determine simultaneously both the location and intention of Brett Favre or any sports diva with any great degree of accuracy or certainty. The principle is not a statement about the limitations of a coach's ability to measure particular quantities of Brett Favre, but it is a statement about the nature of Brett Favre himself as described by the equations of quantum mechanics.

Max Plack's goal is clear: if you understand the drama behind the Minnesota Vikings, then you understand Quantum Physics.

Planck remained baffled by certain qualities of Viscante Shiancoe, however.

Gender Imbalance in the Church (Or "Why Matt is Insane")

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 06:50:00 +0000

One of these days, I hope to get involved with a group of people that have a normal gender balance. This probably contributes to my insanity. I've never been involved with a group where the ratio was even remotely close to 50:50. My parents sent me to Catholic School (100% male), then I was in the Navy (70% men) where I attended Nuclear Power School (literally a 25:1 male to female ratio), submarines (100% male) managed a CVS (I inherited a store with only one female employee - and I was the only white employee to boot at the start) and became an engineering major (where it was not unusual to attend a class with 50 people, only 3 of them female). Needless to say, I am more than a little off-kilter when it comes to gender issues, which I imagine makes my views closer to accurate.

The reason I mention this is because I recently received an e-mail from a Christian group where I am unofficially a "leader." Don't ask me why I still attend. I imagine they'd be less than thrilled with my lack of commitment to faith; I'm Christian 3 days a week, atheist 3 days a week, and on Sunday I take a Sabbath from caring. But, anyway, since I am a leader in the group, I get the leader e-mails, and this e-mail listed all of the leaders and Bible Studie leaders for the upcoming academic year. I've long suspected that Christian groups, church and the like had an overwhelming gender imbalance towards females. (When one spends most of their young adulthood in primarily male groups - some which even celebrated there lack of gender diversity - they tend to make observations such as, "woah, they are way more women than men here! Awesome!") My theory had been an attendance ratio of 60:40 in favor of females, though 65:35 would not have shocked me.

As I was scrolling through the lists, the apparent gender disparity seemed to support my casual observations from over 10 years in the church. I decided to count, and the numbers actually surprised me.

Total Leaders: 68
Female: 48
Male: 20

Bible Study Leaders: 58
Female: 46
Male: 12

In this instance, my guesses were low: 70.5% of all the leaders were female, and a whopping 79% of Bible study leaders were women. (Note: you can probably surmise that I am one of the 8 men who is a "leader" but not leading a Bible Study.) To his credit, I've heard the leader of the fellowship mention the disparity in passing, but I can't imagine there is much of an onus for fixing things; if you are running a fellowship that has a need for 57 Bible Study leaders, you aren't exactly hurting in terms of attendance numbers. However, if 80% of an organization's active leaders are of the same gender - and there is no law or rule preventing that disparity from being leveled - it has a major culture problem.

(Quick note: I broke down the racial numbers, and the gender imbalance seems to be consistent along racial lines, which is why I figured the issue is a gender-specific one.)

After a small bit of Googling, I found that this is not a unique phenomenon. In fact, two books have been written on this subject: The Church Impotent: The Feminization of Christianity by Leon J. Podels and Why Men Hate Going to Church by David Murrow. David Murrow even started a website called Church for Men, which includes a YouTube video promoting his Why Men Hate Going to Church DVD. I insist you watch, just so you can get an idea of how hilariously off-base their ideas are. Take two minutes. I'll wait...

OK, allow me a few thoughts. First, that is some fantastic porno music at the beginning and the end. Second, the purple lighting would also be fantastic for a porno. Third, if you are going to have dim purple lighting and porn music, saying "I'm going to teach you how to improve your outreach to men and boys" is not wise. Fourth, what are those ladders doing there? Fifth, I get the vibe that most of the video is just David bringing guys on stage and making them squirm as he flirts with them. Sixth, if Don Wilson and Mark Driscoll are the two foremost pastors to men in America, then Christianity is doomed. (And this blog post a waste of my time.) Seventh, Mark Driscoll couldn't possibly be more cliche in his assessment of men. "Most guys are looking for a cause. They want to be part of a team. They wanna... grrr... do something bigger than themselves. They don't want to be another guy just downloading porn and trying to become a guild leader on World of Warcraft." (In other words, every man wants to be like LeBron James and join forces with their buddies in a cool church! In fact, next time I go to this church, I'm going to say, "I'm taking my talents to the Underground.") Eighth, the fake laugh from David Murrow after Driscoll's WOW joke puts some of Magic Johnson's fake laughter to shame. Ninth, the damning quote from Mark Driscoll about men is this: "They don't know what they're doing and they want to aspire to something. So, once we give them something and they have their dignity and we give them some marching orders, we tend not to have turn-over with those guys."

(OK, a couple more unprovoked shots at John Murrow. He also David Murrow and I'm done. He runs another website called Speaking of Men, dubbed as "Guy advice -- from a guy!" He has a Top 10 Frequently Asked Questions page that only answers 9 questions. I think he's only been asked 9 questions. More importantly, the answers to some of them are mind-blowingly awful. In particular, his answer to why teenage boys don't go to church is particularly idiosyncratic. It's like he forgot what it's like to be a teenage boy. HERE IS WHY TEENAGE BOYS DON'T LIKE CHURCH. They are overrun with hormones, and want the following four things: sex, food, sleep and sex. Yes, I said sex twice. Tell me, which of those four things are teenage boy going to get at a Sunday morning service? Exactly.)

(By the way, I should note that there are few things that I refuse to argue or give consideration to opposing points of views, but this is one of them: Mark Driscoll is completely and totally full of shit. He willingly debated Deepak Chopra on live TV. If you find yourself in a public debate with Deepak Chopra, the only necessary retort is to point at him and say, "Umm, he's Deepak Chopra," and anyone not convinced by that argument is probably not going to change their mind anyway. If you feel compelled to go any further in a debate with Deepak Chopra, you automatically become a self-promoting douche, and you are completely and totally full of shit. End of argument.)

Leon Podels makes a more dignified attempt to address the issue. Here is a sample of what he says:

"Church attendance in the United States is about 60 percent female and 40 percent male. The more liberal the denomination, the higher the percentage of females. Fundamentalists are almost evenly divided, but the only religions that sometimes show a majority of men are Eastern Orthodoxy, Orthodox Judaism, Islam, and Eastern religions such as Buddhism. Men say they believe in God as much as women do, but the more Christian a practice or belief becomes, the fewer men will own up to it. Men go to church less than women do, they pray far less than women do, and they believe in the afterlife and heaven and hell far less than women do."

My casual observation of these religions matches his thesis. However, he draw a conclusion that I do not necessarily agree with:

Western Christianity has become part of the feminine world from which men feel they must distance themselves to attain masculinity. That is why men stay away from church, especially when they see that the men involved in church tend to be less masculine. The most religious denominations, those that have the most external display, have the worst reputation. Anglo-Catholics were lambasted in the Victorian press as unmanly because they devoted themselves to lace and plaster statues (in some cases, this criticism was justified). Psychological studies have detected a connection between femininity in men and interest in religion. There may even be a physical difference.

He makes an outstanding point about the gender disparity not being a new issue: however, just because the press in 19th century America felt something was true does not make it so. I find that, while he assessment of liberal churches having a higher percentage of female attendees, the outward appearance of the church has little bearing on the gender difference. Unfortunately, every attempt to address these issues that I've read - why men aren't coming to church, why people are leaving the church, ect. - always offer a bottom-up cause-and-effect theory. Every single cultural issue I've ever noticed, whether it's political, religious, sports, gamers, ect., the issue is top-down. The onus from the problem comes from leadership of those groups, and people feel powerless to change the new quo, so they leave. Also, leadership tends to lash out when you challenge their leadership abilities, even when you are ethically justified and it's only one leader who creates a problem; the whole leadership supports their member instead of correcting the problem. (I've experienced this first hand!) So, in order to discuss my theories on this problem, it's important to discuss church leadership.

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The Christian group I attend is a subset of a local "church." The pastor wrote a book called Life After Church, and it's as hilariously off-base about why people leave the church as every other book I've read on the subject, or the other books on gender disparity. It applies the same "bottom-up" logic as the gender books, and with the same terrible results. Now, most people I've talked to who leave churches say that the church members abused them, manipulated them, made them to feel unwelcome and that their talents unused. They feel that the modern American Christian culture berates people who don't fit in. Ghandi's famous quote sums it up best: "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." No book necessary!

(I've actually become a sort of "last resort" for people seriously considering leaving churches. They come to me, and they'll speak in hushed tones - as though they were about to tell me the exact location of Harriet Tubman - even though there is nobody else in the room. "Matt, I, umm, don't tell anyone, but I think I want to leave the church." They try to be polite, and say that they feel "lost" or "confused" in their faith. Then, I'll say the following the following statement: "When people leave, it breaks down to the answer to these two questions: What is their name, and what did they do to you?" After that, they finally open up and tell me their real reason for leaving. Keep this in mind over the next few paragraphs.)

Unfortunately, most people who write books on this subject have to pretend that this isn't happening, probably because if you say, "a lot of people in the church are jerks out of an Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue, and people are getting fed up," they'd become a pariah and never be able to step foot in church. (The Bible has a fascinating story about a young man who said the church of his time lost its way, and the leaders didn't take to kindly to him saying all that, to say the least. Two thousand years later, nothing has changed, except that crucifixion is no longer legal so they use shame instead ) So, instead, they convince try to say that the church needs to focus disillusioned Christians on missions! You can see this conclusion being laid out in the way this pastor presents his five reasons people leave the church:

1) Growing out of the message
2) Needing to ask questions
3) Irrelevance
4) Nothing meaningful to do
5) Money

The progression that is being suggested is this: "when people begin to think about the goings-on at church, the answers that seem to satisfy the rank and file no longer please them, so they grow out of the message, and they feel the church has become irrelevant. If we give them something meaningful to do (like missions work!), and they can see where some of the money goes, and they'll feel useful." The way this comes across to a frustrated Christian is: "Oh, you have uncomfortable questions... you should ~~leave me alone~~ go out into the world and ~~keep yourself busy and shut up~~ serve the Lord!"

Unfortunately, most people who write about this subject are arrogant, because they believe they have a solution to the biggest problem the church has. But they also can't say that the church has bad people in leadership. So, they end up kicking some of the leaving church members while they are down to make the readers feel better. For example, in his section on money, he writes, "when the leaver lacks character, she will leave because she thinks not enough money is being given to programs that benefit her." Now, that is obviously a mean-spirited and wildly arrogant statement. (Also, it makes no sense in context, since he isn't tell a story or giving examples, which not only makes this comment especially strange and mean, but makes his gender choice is particularly odd.) But, this is what happens when you try solving a problem without acknowledging one of the major root causes. We often mistake them, but there is a profound difference between relentless honesty and unnecessary mean-spiritedness. Just because something sounds mean doesn't mean it's honest, and that sentence is mean spirited and dishonest.

If all the solutions to these problems seem dishonest and mean, then why would we expect people to stay?

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So, if the issues are "top-down" instead of "bottom up," what are the issues, and how can they be solved? Well, both Mark Driscoll and the local pastor inadvertently touched on the main problem: dignity and relevance. When Christians evangelize, they sell the basics of the gospel: give your life to Jesus, and you will be saved. Simple. Straight forward. To the point. Then, they get to church and everyone cheers when the pastor brings them up in front and tells them that there is a new member. Then, everything goes downhill. They are expected to attend and eventually lead a Bible study, and then do missions work! And if you do, you finally get your dignity. It's as if they're saying, "Love Jesus, and you'll have dignity," and then people get to the church and they say "haha, just kidding!" It's almost a bait and switch scam. And most of these programs do not play to the talents of people coming in, so they feel cheated, lied to and used. And when they feel they have a problem, the answers they get from leadership seem dishonest and mean.

But what about gender disparity? Why are women attaining leadership positions in church at nearly a 4:1 rate? The answer is not femininity or masculinity, but sex. Hard core, in your face, act of reproduction sex. If you want children (your own, not some kid you adopted from Africa), then you got to have sex. Which means you're going to have to think about sex. It's not going to happen on accident. And thinking about sex is wildly discouraged in the church.

(This also explains why church disparity was highest during the Victorian Age, at it's lowest during the roaring 20s, and seems to be peaking now.)

For example, I attended a open house at this church group called, "Sex, Dating and Singleness" where the dating and married couples tell the single people about sex and dating... except they dodged every uncomfortable question about sexuality. The one that made me snap was the response to this question: "What if I have want something and my partner wants something else?" This should have been an easy answer: "Well, have an open, honest discussion about it. Get together. Pray. If you can't agree, part ways. And do not force your partner to do something they are not ready to do." Easy. Simple. To the point. Glorifies God and encourages honesty!

Needless to say, that is not what happened. First, most of the people in the room (keep in mind, mostly women) went "ooohhh" like the question was, "let's say I want to grab a woman's breasts in public! Is that OK?" The answer given - and I actually quickly found a piece of paper and pen because I had to write this down - "Well, umm, that's like, umm, pretty, pretty crazy. Tough one. You gotta pray." And then everyone laughed. Pardon me for a second, but HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT ANSWER THE GOD-DAMN MOTHERFUCKING QUESTION?!? It's not like sexual problems are a major cause of divorce or something.. oh wait, THEY ARE! Thirty-seven percent of Christian marriages end in divorce! That's almost 2-in-5! This is a fellowship where 70% of members were female, and only 2 couples were dating (out of almost 200 members). How can this possibly be perceived as a success?!? Thanks for the expert opinion!

(Thinking about it still gets me mad. There were a lot of exclamation points in that last paragraph. I even went all caps and cussed. But hey, sometimes it fits.)

It boils down to this: men want to be in loving relationships (ok, or get laid...) and see a culture which actively discourages them from thinking about sex. Men are encouraged to get a job and raise a family, and that is success. They see the Bible tell them essentially the same thing, and then see the church discourage that. Being part of a team - as Mark Driscoll says - has little to do with it. I suppose doing missions work gives them dignity, which makes them a better partner. At least that's what I've seen with my own eyes. And I know that's what women in the church are told. It's not a coincidence that the only time I got a girlfriend in a church was when I was outwardly participating in church missions. Unfortunately, I do not find this approach congruent with Matthew 6:1-4, and I find that the further I stray from that passage, the more women seem to be interested. Here is that passage:

Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

I came to Christianity because of that passage, and yet I find humility to be a liability. I've never heard it in a sermon, and I've been attending church for 12 years. (Note: It is part of the Ash Wednesday service in the Catholic Mass). The people who get rewarded are the ones who are boisterous and outward about their service, or at least the ones who are manipulative enough to play the system. As a result, the church has created a culture that discourages the very men it needs the most: humble and honest. You see, men do not want to be part of a team. They want to do good and honest work, and then meet a woman. The church seems to discourage this. Women seem to want to be part of a community more than men - and stay away from perverts - which is why the church is so appealing.

Then again, the church has the highest divorce rate of any group or religion in America... by far. So, clearly the church's approach to gender relations is not working. Think of it this way: if you engineered a product, and it failed 37% of the time, your going to prison. So, why do we hold marriage to a lower standard than the engineering of a doll house?

-------------

People tell me I should work to become an actual leader; I've been told many times that I should work to be an elder in the church if I think things can be fixed. And, once upon a time, I might even have wanted that. At this point, I no longer feel a burning need to try to fix things "from the inside out" as I used to say as a younger man. Admittedly, this drove me mad. At this point, my idealistic disdain for the insipid American Christian subculture has been replaced with sympathetic contempt. If they are not going to consider the idea that they are part of the problem, then I refuse to consider that they will be part of the solution.

There is No Sense of Humor About Faith

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 15:14:00 +0000

I would define a "sense of humor" in this way: a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. The comedian is the person insane enough to declare this to be reality. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.

*****

I was recently challenged to peruse the Bible for references to humor and laughter. This happens to me a lot, and I know what they are really trying to say is, "you should get into Christian comedy!" This is a well-intentioned, but misguided approach to trying to get me involved in a church. First of all, I've been to a number of Christian comedy shows, and I usually leave ready to murder everyone, because the comedians followed these steps:

1) Take the routine of a comedian that most Christians will never listen to, such as Patton Oswalt or (and this is MUCH more likely) a series of local comedians that nobody has ever seen, since Baptists rarely attend late-night bar shows.
2) Make those jokes "clean"
3) Add some jokes about the church!

And, bam! You've got Christian "comedy." Whether it's Washington D.C., Charleston or Tampa, I've seen a plurality of local Christian comics brazenly and unapologetically steal from local and national comics. And I understand that most people don't particularly care about joke thieves, but comedians DO care. We look at hacks like child molesters, and I'll choose to not be associated with those kinds of people, thank you very much.

But this is not why I consider this approach to asking me to get involved with church humor to be "misguided." It's misguided because the person has clearly never looked at the Bible for it's references to laughter and humor. Usually, when the Bible refers to humor or laughter, something incredibly disturbing is happening or about to happen to those who are laughing. Unless it's God, who seems to spend a lot of time laughing at people he is sending to Hell (or, as they put it, "laughed to scorn.") Heck, even Jesus made it abundantly clear that people who laugh on Earth will spend eternity crying.

So, I pose this question (and I mean it seriously, not rhetorically): read the verses below, and tell me why anyone who believes that humor is a tool for exposing the truth would want anything to do with the church? Isn't it abundantly clear that anyone who challenges the authority of ~~the priests~~ the LORD is not welcome?

Proverbs 1:26 I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh; when calamity overtakes you like a storm, when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind, when distress and trouble overwhelm you. Then they will call to me but I will not answer; they will look for me but will not find me. (Context: This is about "rejecting wisdom." Basically, if you disagree with the priests when they say something to you, the LORD will laugh at you as your life turns to crap. In short, ignore your spiritual leaders at your peril)

Proverbs 14:13 Even in laughter the heart is sorrowful; and the end of that mirth is heaviness. (Context: This is a section about wisdom, and how people who laugh are unwise. Verses 6-7 says, "The mocker seeks wisdom and finds none, but knowledge comes easily to the discerning. Stay away from a foolish man, for you will not find knowledge on his lips." In short, don't worry your pretty little head about your doubts concerning what your leaders say. People who mention these problems are fools.)

Psalms 2:4 He that sitteth in the heavens shall laugh: the LORD shall have them in derision. (Context: people who do not worship the LORD are in deep trouble)

Psalms 37:13 The LORD shall laugh at him: for he seeth that his day is coming. (Yep, God hates those who don't believe in him.)

Psalms 59:8 But thou, O LORD, shalt laugh at them; thou shalt have all the heathen in derision. (I see a pattern here...)

Proverbs 1:26 I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh (Man, God does not like those who don't by into religion)

Ezekiel 23:32 Thus saith the Lord GOD; Thou shalt drink of thy sister's cup deep and large: thou shalt be laughed to scorn and had in derision; it containeth much. (Context: Two girls became prostitutes. Verse 3 says - and I am not making this up - "They became prostitutes in Egypt, engaging in prostitution from their youth. In that land their breasts were fondled and their virgin bosoms caressed." So, the author was not thrilled about his sister being a prostitute. Verse 20 says - once again, not making this up - "There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses." So, God decides to punish them, and everyone will laugh as they "drink of thy sisters cup." HAHA!)

(Interesting note: In many countries - including most Muslim countries, Ezekiel 23 is banned and has been categorized as porn. This includes South Africa, home of the 2010 World Cup. Needless to say, there aren't many Chapter Camp tracks based on Ezekiel.)

Ephesians 5:3-4 ...let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints; Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks.

Ecclesiastes 2:2 I said of laughter, It is mad: and of mirth, What doeth it?

Ecclesiastes 7:3 Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.

Ecclesiastes 7:6 For as the crackling of thorns under a pot, so is the laughter of the fool: this also is vanity.

James 4:9 Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness.

2 Kings 19:21 This is the word that the LORD hath spoken concerning him; The virgin the daughter of Zion hath despised thee, and laughed thee to scorn; the daughter of Jerusalem hath shaken her head at thee.

Luke 6:21, 25 Blessed are ye that hunger now: for ye shall be filled. Blessed are ye that weep now: for ye shall laugh. Woe unto you that are full! for ye shall hunger. Woe unto you that laugh now! for ye shall mourn and weep.

Isaiah 37:22 This is the word which the LORD hath spoken concerning him; The virgin, the daughter of Zion, hath despised thee, and laughed thee to scorn; the daughter of Jerusalem hath shaken her head at thee.

Mini Note: Good Afternoon from Starbucks

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 18:39:00 +0000

I was at Starbucks at 12:01pm, because that is where comedians go to get mediocre material. Anyway, the lady said "Good morning." Then, before I could order, she profusely apologized for not saying, "Good afternoon." Obviously, I said , "It's OK. I don't care. You do not have to apologize to me." Then, I realized that there were probably so many crazy customers in the past who have given her a hard time for not saying "good afternoon" that she expected me to snap on her. And how do you get to that point in life?

Barista: Good morning!
Jerk: It's afternoon, motherfucker! You can take your "good morning" and stick it where the sun don't shine!
Barista: I'm so sorry, I...
Jerk: You should be! Because once the 12 chimes go off, that's when the demons in my skull start telling me to write messages on bathroom stalls for I am now Satan's prophet, and the only thing that will keep me from helping the unholy from re-enter the realm of the living is a grande mocha frappachino! And since it's past noon, the voices are starting to tell me to go to Whole Foods, so it is NOT a good afternoon for you, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!?

New life rule: if you are awake enough to realize it is afternoon, and have the facilities about you to berate the barista for saying it's morning, then you are awake enough that you do not need coffee. Starbucks is a multi-billion dollar corporation, and they do not need your three dollars today. Also, you're an ass.

Prostitutes and Velociraptors

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 18:17:00 +0000

I was discussing my plans for the week with some people when some dufas overheard me and said something so idiotic that I immediately began to hope that a pack of spiritual velociraptors would emerge from the ether of space to devour his soul, because that dream was about the only thing that kept me from wanting to strangle him.

Before I mention what he said, here's some background: Whenever I am about to drive on Nebraska Avenue down here in Tampa, someone will invariably say, "Oh, Nebraska Avenue. THAT'S WHERE THE WHORES ARE!" I never see any prostitutes when I drive on Nebraska Avenue. I guess my prostitute-sensing abilities haven't been honed the way the locals have been. They are like prostitute-sensing Jedis warriors:

"These are the prostitutes you're looking for."
"How did you know he was a prostitute?"
"I'm from Tampa."
"Ahh, case closed!"

It makes sense; Tampa has the highest per capita concentration of strip clubs in the world. The locals can figure out if you are engaging in all types of debauchery: strippers, prostitutes... lawyers... comedians... And they are right. If you look at a crime map of Tampa, all of the prostitute arrests happen on Nebraska Avenue... and nowhere else. Which begs the question: why would you be a prostitute or a pimp on Nebraska Avenue? Not only is that where all the prostitution arrests take place, but that is where all the competition is! Go hooking on Florida Avenue: not only will you turn tricks, you'll also turn a profit!
------------------

Prostitution arrests in Tampa take place on Nebraska Ave... and apparently NOWHERE ELSE.

-----------------
Now, like I've said, I've never seen a prostitute on Nebraska Avenue, but I have seen some crazy things. When I was looking for apartments in Tampa, I considered a place on Nebraska Avenue. What I didn't know until I got there was that this apartment had 8 guys with 10 teeth total and their pet was a one-eyed cat named Moses. If I were a prostitute, I wouldn't want to ply my trade across the street from the lair of Jimmy "Bleedin' Gums" Murphy and Moses the pirate cat.

Anyway, I was talking to some friends, and I said, "yeah, I need to drive down Nebraska Avenue to get to the office." Sure enough, this idiot behind says, "Ooh, I bet you're gonna see some hookers." And I was like, "yeah, whatever." And then he said the following statement:

"It's easy making money as a prostitute. It is the world's oldest profession."

See! Wouldn't it have been great if velociraptors just showed up out of nowhere and mauled him? That would have been fantastic! Instead, he walked away fully intact, yet I'm dumber because I just heard him say that.

Let's break this statement down. The first part is mind-blowingly stupid. "It's easy to make money as a prostitute?!?" I guess that's why prostitutes are among America's richest and most well-to-do citizens. Every father secretly hopes his daughter grows up to be one of America's most respected prostitutes. Every girl dreams of winning the Miss Prostitute America contest. Harvard offers distinguished fellowships to their School of Hooking. Grandmothers tell their grandkids, with a tinge of regret in their voice, "I coulda been the town prostitute, but I decided to be an engineer." Prostitutes have great job security and their bosses treat them with dignity and respect, and in no way do they slap the hookers and take most of their money! Wow, I guess it is easy to make money as a prostitute!

Please...

The other part of that phrase drives me even crazier. Prostitution is the world's oldest profession? Really? Do you realize what that means? If that were true, then two cave people, Oog and Ulga, were out on the prairie gathering berries and avoiding Saber-Tooth tigers when Oog came upon a shiny rock, and he picked it up and went "ooh, shiny! Maybe I'll reflect the light into my eyes so I can't tell the difference between the clan leader and a bear." And Ulga liked it too, and she knew Oog was stupid and wanted sex. So she said, "if you give me the shiny rock, I'll have sex with you." And Oog went, "REALLY?!? That's awesome!... I mean, of course I'll give you this rock if you have sex with me." So, Oog went to the other cavemen and said, "Oog gave Ulga shiny rock! Got sex!" And all the other cavemen started searching for their sex rocks. Eventually, two cavemen met two women, and one had sex rocks and the other didn't. And the one caveman realized he wasn't getting sex, so he traded his mammoth roast for a sex rock, which is how the economy happened. Then, one guy didn't have any mammoth meat, so he just asked for the other guy for a sex rock, which is how debt happened. Then the first guy came back and said, "Hey, you owe me a sex rock," and the second guy said, "fuck you!," and that's how murder happened. Then, after realizing that murdering people over sex rocks meant that there were fewer people to do all the work, all the men asked some old wise men who couldn't have sex anymore to settle sex rock disputes, and this is how the government happened. Eventually, one smart caveman said, "Hey, I can ask these young guys with no sex rocks to bring back as many sex rocks as they can find, and I'll give them a few to keep them happy while keeping most of them for myself so I can have sex with as many women as I want," and that is how corporations happened. Of course, some of those guys were terrible at bringing back sex rocks. They brought back rocks that weren't shiny or were actually fossilized dinosaur turds. So this guy had to create a place where people could learn what types of rocks were actually sex rocks, and he could pick the best sex-rock finders so he could have sex rocks forever, and this is how school happened.

So, there it is, the Prostitute-Based Theory of Civilization. Just remember that when you go to school so you can get the best possible job at a Fortune 500 company while wearing your ~~sex rock band~~ engagement ring. There are all kinds of job available on Nebraska Avenue.

The Worst and the Dullest: How NBC Forfeited 50 Years of Late Night Superiority

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 02:24:00 +0000

Hey everyone,

In his book The Best and the Brightest, David Halberstam explained how the allegedly "best and brightest" could produce such a quagmire in Vietnam. Even the smartest could screw up when they failed to see all the angles and made terrible decisions. But what happens when you have the worst and the dullest making those decisions? Well, you have Jeff Zucker's disastrous Late Night transition plan from Jay Leno to Conan O'Brien. The transition had the makings of the famous Seinfeld episode where George decided to make the exact opposite decision he normally would, and his life improved. From Jeff Zucker to Jay Leno to Conan O'Brien, it seemed as though everyone involved made every possible bad decision. In the process, NBC probably permanently forfeited 50 years of Late Night Superiority.

*****

For 30 years, Johnny Carson represented late-night television. Eighteen years since his retirement, the bloodbath over his chair continues.

Before I go into my thoughts on NBC's debacle, I probably should answer one simple question: Why should anyone care? It's very fair to say that arguments between millionaires and billionaires are irrelevant in the light of the tragedy in Port-Au-Prince. However, the Leno-O'Brien issue is important because we need to keep an eye on the "gate keepers." When Johnny Carson hosted The Tonight Show, he wielded an insane amount of power. Cable television did not exist, and there were only 4 channels. If you ticked him off, he had the platform and audience to destroy you. Ask Joan Rivers or Dan Quayle what happened when you crossed Johnny Carson. Carson was one of the gate keepers; if you wanted to succeed, you eventually had to play nice with people liked him and Walter Cronkite. And people loved them because they understood their power and rarely abused it.

Even though the channels of obtaining information are significantly greater than they once were, the reality remains that people such as Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O'Brien and Jon Stewart are still the gate keepers. People can get around Katie Couric if they think she lacks certain morals or has biases they don't like, but she has the power to change perspectives. Just ask Sarah Palin.

The reality is this: some of the gate keepers are battling for power and public approval, and it's important to understand what it is they are trying to do and why. A great deal of thought and planning went into Conan's popular "People of Earth" letter, and one of his objectives had to be to swing public sentiment behind him and drive up ratings for his last few shows. And Conan's letter was heartfelt and honest, the politics of the business are clearly in play. For example, when it was reported that Conan's last show was on January 22nd, the producers of The Tonight Show denied it, claiming it was a rumor spread by a rival late night host. Yet the report was completely factual. Obviously, the denial was meant to maintain negotiating leverage with NBC. But it goes to show that nothing is truly what it seems.

That is why this is fascinating and worth talking about. So, without furthur ado...

*****

On September 27, 2004, the 50th anniversary of the creation of The Tonight Show, Jay Leno shook up the entertainment industry with his announcement that he would retire on May 29, 2009 and that he would be replaced by Conan O'Brien. From the beginning, there were a number of concerns: How will Conan play at 11:30? Does Jay really want to retire? To me, the canary in the coal mine was NBC's inevitable decision to replace Conan at 12:30. In fact, here is what I wrote the next day:

We will know soon enough if this decision is well-thought out the moment NBC announces Conan's successor at Late Night. If the decision reflects Lorne Michaels foresight and gambling that was demonstrated in his decision in hiring Conan, this will work. However, if they do something stupid such as hiring Tina Fey or Jimmy Fallon, this will end in disaster.

When I wrote that, I used Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon as examples because I never thought that NBC would be that stupid. (At the time, Fey and Fallon were co-hosting Weekend Update, and they were so bad that Saturday Night Live immediately improved after they left. The "SNL Digital Shorts" became common place after Tina Fey left. Now they are the biggest stars on two last-place shows. I think I was right. I should also note that, while I slam Fallon pretty hard in this piece, he seems like a decent guy who is simply way in over his head, and cedes too much control to people who do not have his best interests at heart.) Obviously, this decision was made in haste to prevent Conan from going to Fox (who offered Conan his own show numerous times) or CBS (who offered Conan The Late Show if Letterman left for ABC six years ago). And there was also financial conditions: Why spend $5 million an episode for scripted programming when you can pay less than $1 million for an episode of The Jay Leno Show? Why spend money to get a proper host at 12:30 when Jimmy Fallon will do it on the cheap? Every decision made by the brass at NBC reeked of desperation, not innovation. (That's why I disagreed with Mark Cuban's piece that lauded NBC for being innovative) And that desperation permeated through all the hosts and producers of those three shows. Also, there was appaling lack of learning from the mistakes of the past (i.e. Conan's lack of a guarantee for the 11:30 time slot) So, here are the major lessons that should be learned from this debacle:

Once upon a time, Jay Leno was David Letterman's favorite and most frequent guest. The controversey following Johnny Carson's retirement permanently damaged their friendship.

1) Conan should have known that Jay Leno never wanted to give up The Tonight Show and that he is devious enough to undermine everything.

It's not exactly a secret that a number of the people who have worked with Jay Leno over the years have had decidedly bad experiences. From the persistent allegations that Jay undermined the comedian's strike of the Comedy Store in the 1970s by feeding the owners information to hiding in NBC's closet to overhear their discussions on solving the Leno-Letterman crisis to his shady hiring of Stuttering John, the perception is that Leno is a devious, cutthroat serpent determined to undermine everyone who gets in his way. Granted, in a Machavellian industry such as network television, this may be the only way to truly work one's way to a gig like The Tonight Show. But, since Jay Leno's behind-the-scenes persona is so decidedly different than his on-screen personality, he has incurred some ill-will over the years. That's the reason that Jimmy Kimmel savaged Jay Leno so harshly on Leno's show; for many in the comedy community, Jay Leno had that coming for 40 years.

Howard Stern gave the angry insider perspective, saying, "It's finally dawned on Conan that Jay Leno had it in for him the whole time. Crapped all over him. ... [Leno] is an evil devil. He's a horrible, horrible guy. I've told you this for years. ... And everybody hates Jay now — which is great. I'm all for hating Jay." Jerry Seinfeld stood up for his buddy and took aim at Conan, saying "What did the network do to [Conan]? I don't think anyone's preventing people from watching Conan. Once they give you the cameras, it's on you."

Patton Oswalt had a balanced take that I happen to agree with: "Comedians who don't like Jay Leno now — and I'm one of them — we're not like, 'Oh my God, Jay Leno sucks.' It's that we're so hurt and disappointed that one of the best comedians of our generation willfully shut that switch off. You almost want to take Leno aside and ask him, 'Why do you want this so badly? Because you don't do anything with it.'" Younger people forget this, but when Leno and Letterman were at their apex, Conan O'Brien couldn't touch them. Neither could you or I. When Jay Leno went on David Letterman's show, it was must-watch TV. Whenever I watch The Tonight Show, I can't help but think, "what happened to Jay?" The answer is tragically simple: he gave away his dignity for a chance to host The Tonight Show. And he wasn't willing to give the show away that easy. Look at how Leno addressed the situation; he mentioned Conan's poor ratings five times. Yes, he does say that Conan is a gentleman, but called him a loser five times also. That tells me he was bitter and angry, and that Conan's lack of ratings success was a kind of vindication for him. "You fired me twice, and the new guy sucks. But he's nice." I hated the passive aggressiveness of the whole thing, and that's why so many people distrusted Leno and why Conan should have as well.

(The most amusing quote came from Harrison Ford, who kind of decided that everyone was the good guy: "He's getting the shaft, in a way. ... I mean, poor guy moved out to Los Angeles to do this show and moved his whole family out there. Put his kids in a new school. Conan is a good guy. But so is Jay Leno; I enjoy his company. And so is Dave Letterman. It's just a tough, tough world." I can't blame Harrison Ford for this, because HE ALREADY WORKS AROUND THE CLOCK!)

Whether or not Leno actually helped undermine Conan, the fact is Leno's actions were precisely in-line with the industry's perception of him. If Leno were truly upset about NBC's treatment, he would have walked when NBC cancelled his show and gone to Fox. When NBC proposed moving his show to 11:30, he certainly didn't disagree, which put all the pressure on Conan. Since Leno had all the negotiating leverage, he could very easily have forced NBC to protect Conan, but he threw Conan under the bus to get The Tonight Show back.

(A joke from the other night that kind of showed the darker side of Jay Leno: "Letterman has been hammering me every night. Going after me … Hey Kev, you know the best way to get Letterman to ignore you? Marry him." It wasn't even funny, just mean spirited.)

They should have had a plan in place from Day 1 to satiate him. Instead, they gave him 4 years to stew angrily. The fact that Leno extended his lead over Letterman in the ratings despite NBC's prime-time collapse only made things worse when Conan squandered that lead in less than one month. If Leno had an immediate alternative, his shadow would not have been hanging over Conan. Instead, NBC put Conan in a position where the worst-case scenario was the only scenario in play.

Seth Meyers had an outstanding take on this aspect of this debacle, which was not only funny, but shows why I think Seth Meyers should be hosting the Tonight Show. Like, today.

NBC missed the signs that audiences were falling for an "American on Purpose"

2) The combination of hiring Jimmy Fallon and Craig Ferguson's emergence undermined everything NBC was trying to do.

2a) When in doubt, be honest with your audience.

One of the signs that Conan was having trouble - well before he took over The Tonight Show - was that Late Night with Conan O'Brien was no longer a guaranteed victory. In March 2008, The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson won the time slot for the first time, during a week where Craig Ferguson highlighted his immigration as an American citizen. On the surface, this seemed impossible: how could the formed editor of the Harvard Lampoon and the head writer of The Simpsons lose a seemingly insurmountable lead to a high-school dropout, twiced divorced recovering alcoholic with a thick Scottish accent? However, people who watched at 12:30 were slowly making a discovery: Craig Ferguson's approach to his show was refreshingly honest. His entertaining monologues, use of puppets, creativity with booking guests and enlightening interviews demonstrated a reality that Conan never fully understood: viewers flock to honesty. Craig understood that late night television had de-evolved into a massive sell-fest, and he had the courage to simply be himself. Despite all of the outside influences, the one thing Conan could control was whether or not he wanted to be "Conan" instead of an empty suit selling someone else's movies. And Conan failed to do that; at the precise moment Conan needed to reinvent late-night television, his primary competition was doing precisely that.

(Also, David Letterman was reinventing his show in response to Conan's rise to The Tonight Show chair. Here is what my friend Jimmy Meritt wrote about Letterman's change: "I think it's intresting that Letterman's monolouge is now longer, to attract Leno viewers. He used to just do like five minutes, now it goes up until the first commercial. Also, the pre-taped bits he used to introduce from the desk, he now introduces from the monolouge zone, to stretch the monolouge out longer." And it worked. Letterman's show had decidedly improved over the last year.)

Once Jimmy Fallon took over, it was only a matter of time until people began searching for alternative programming and discovered Craig Ferguson. In retrospect, the worst thing Fallon could have done was cast himself as a hip, technically saavy promoter. I imagine the thinking was this: people love Twitter and Macs, and if we have those, people will stick with us. However, people use social media to get information faster, not to say "we use social media."

The "Space Train" sketch with Robert DeNiro was a sign that Jimmy Fallon was a good guy who was WAY in over his head

And that reality set in on during his first episode, when Fallon performed a sketch with Robert DeNiro called "Space Train" which I believe is the single worst comedy sketch to ever be broadcast on television. In fact, the comment I wrote to my friend Justin after watching the sketch was, "a million monkeys with a million typewriters working with Carson Daly's writers could not have written a sketch as terrible as Space Train." It quickly became obvious why this show will struggle for a long time. Conan O'Brien had a great head writer in Robert Smigel (aka Triumph the Insult Comic Dog) while he grew into the role as host. Jimmy's support group is terrible; there is no way any professional writer should have been happy with that sketch, especially when they know Jimmy will be nervous and can't come up with witty banter about how bad the sketch was (a staple of Conan and Johnny Carson). So I looked up who Jimmy's head writer is, and it's A.D. Miles, the man behind "Dog Bites Man" and "Hot Sluts: Rated R." Needless to say, I'm not convinced that a talk show with A.D. Miles as the head writer will ever work. (As a point of comparison, Conan O'Brien was the head writer for "The Simpsons" during it's heyday. BIG difference.)

Here is what I wrote in my Running Diary of Jimmy Fallon's first episode, and it holds true more than ever: "When Jimmy Fallon worked on SNL, his performances frustrated me. Not because he bumbled through his lines or laughed throughout all the routines, but because he never grew as a comedian. He has incredible potential, which is why he is able to land all of these prominent gigs. However, he never really improved during his 6-year tenure. That does not bode well for him, because he will definitely need to improve his stage presence if he wants to succeed on this show. The other issue that may prevent Jimmy Fallon from succeeding this that Conan O'Brien's only at the 12:30 competition was Tom Snyder. Jimmy Fallon is competiting against a rising cultural force in Craig Ferguson, who had already caught Conan O'Brien in the ratings. So what happens if Jimmy Fallon stumbles for a few weeks and falls hopelessly behind Craig Ferguson? How long will NBC stay loyal; Conan O'Brien had Warren Littlefield on his side, while Jimmy Fallon has to worry about Jeff Zucker." The writing on Jimmy's show wasn't sharp, he has no chemistry with announcer Steve Higgins and most of the sketch ideas fell flat (Seriously, "Lick it for 10?!?")

(By the way, here is what I wrote about the opening sketch "12:36 - Hey, Conan O'Brien shows up in the first sketch. The premise is that Conan is cleaning out his dressing room while Jimmy is still using it. Jimmy asks, "so, are you going to be using Jay Leno's office when you get to LA?" Conan smuggly replies, "Jay's not leaving." Somewhere, David Letterman is laughing uproariously." Wasn't this debacle incredibly predictable?)

(Wait, here is another great comment. "1:16 - NBC has a new reality show called, "The Chopping Block." Hasn't NBC had 3 cooking reality shows cancelled already? When will Jeff Zucker learn? I guess this is good news for Jimmy Fallon; if Zucker is so loyal to the concept of a prime-time network cooking show, he'll stay loyal to Jimmy Fallon. Well, maybe..." All of the Jeff Zucker jokes are even funnier now!)

But Craig Ferguson proved that honesty truly is the best policy for late night. And Conan doesn't have an excuse. He said that, when he met Johnny Carson in 1993, Johnny said, "just be yourself. It's the only way you'll make it." Until Conan actually listens to that advice, he won't succeed.

If more of the 18-34 year olds on #teamconan on Twitter actually watched The Tonight Show, there would be no need for #teamconan. #irony.

3) NBC's decision to appeal to the 18-34 demographic was disastrous, since my generation may be the least loyal generation to ever walk the Earth.

Nothing underscored this better than Craig Ferguson's outstanding monologue, "Why Everything Sucks!" When NBC laid out their expectations for Conan and Fallon - dominate the 18-34 demo and we can afford a loss everywhere else - I kept saying, "why try to cultivate loyalty among the Twitter Generation?" Keep in mind, when this plan was laid out in 2004, people actually used MySpace. (Which is why a lot of people were saying that Dane Cook should take over on Late Night back then. Of course, Dane Cook would have to have nude photos of Jeff Zucker with a goat to get a show on NBC now).

Unfortunately, my peers have become the great internet voyeurs. We don't look unless we can't look away. We want Bubb Rubb, not Johnny Carson. Why watch a boring sketch on NBC when I can watch The Star Wars Kid of read LolCats? We are the worst possible audience to build "loyalty" upon, so this plan was doomed to failure. It is not a coincidence that people started watching once The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien became an endangered species. A dying show had much more appeal than a normal late night show.

Interestingly, Jeff Zucker used this logic to try to defend himself when he should “We live in a society today that loves a soap opera,” Jeff Zucker, the chief executive of NBC Universal, said in an interview in his office at 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York on Friday. “Three months ago it was David Letterman. Six weeks ago it was Tiger Woods’s problems. Today it’s NBC’s problems.”

The question that remains is this: Why are Letterman and Ferguson winning the 18-34 demo battle? My theory is this: we are as pessimistic as we are voyeuristic. We can easily sense when someone is not being honest with us or themselves. Conan decided to try to be "Tonight Show Conan" and Fallon tried to be "Hip, Techno-Saavy Jimmy." Craig Ferguson and David Letterman were simply Craig Ferguson and David Letterman and nothing more. (At least this was my thought process when I made my viewing choices. Love David Letterman or hate him, his show is decidedly him.)

Also, tried to appeal to a technically-saavy audience and then limited their ability to get those shows on that technology. Their decision to constantly comb YouTube for Conan clips created a lot of ill-will, especially when people were interested in seeing clips like "Walker Texas Ranger Lever" and couldn't do so. And Hulu is not a very customer-friendly website. They don't keep clips up for very long and are shifting to a "pay-per-play" model next year. Meanwhile, people can access Letterman and Ferguson clips on YouTube whenever they please. Ironically, NBC's mismanagement of technology led to their undoing with a technological generation.

"The Conan Loophole" gave Jeff Zucker all the wiggle room he needed to leverage Conan out of The Tonight Show. Why did Conan trust him?

4) Conan's decision to not get the 11:30 timeslot guaranteed in his contract was the single worst oversight in television history.

When NBC nearly cancelled Jay Leno's contract and hired David Letterman, it did so because David Letterman managed to get having an 11:30 show guaranteed in his contract, or they'd have to pay him $50 million. In fact, the reason Leno got the show in the first place is because he had negotiated into his "permanent guest host" contract that he had to be paid a large sum if Johnny Carson retired and he didn't get the 11:30 show. (NBC put that in, never expecting Carson to retire before Leno's contract expired. When Johnny unexpectedly retired, NBC was screwed.)

It's a matter of public record, and anyone who followed this situation even remotely closely knew. Conan had no excuse for not knowing; if he had 11:30 put into his contract, NBC would have been screwed when the affiliates revolted against Leno. In fact, when Zucker's announced the Leno-to-11:30 plan, I thought, "well, Conan has to be contractually compensated if they move his show, right?" Turns out he did not get an iron clad contract, and Zucker gained all the leverage.

I should note that, when the first whispers of Jay Leno potentially getting a 10pm show began, a number of people came up with the conspiracy theory that Jeff Zucker was putting Conan in a no-win situation in order to get out of Conan's contract. The thinking was this: if Leno's show was a failure, then they would move Leno back to 11:30 and ditch Conan without paying the $50 million. My reasoning against this was because "well, Conan has to be contractually compensated if they move his show, right?" Keep in mind, Jeff Zucker is the same guy who paid a record licensing fee for Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, then got a similar show (30 Rock) , and then cancelled Studio 60 because the script allegedly decimated NBC and Saturday Night Live. He's positively Machavellian (as well as stupid), so the 11:30 clause absolutely had to be put in the contract. One missed sentence gave Zucker all the wiggle room he needed.

(The other reason I discounted the conspiracy theory: Zucker also offered Letterman a 8pm show, which Letterman took 2 seconds to turn down since he didn't want to degrade The Tonight Show. My guess is that the Leno show was a purely financial decision, and that Zucker lucked into the Conan loophole.)

Another sign that Conan may not be learning from this is a report that he has to pay an undisclosed sum of money whenever he bashes NBC. Exactly how stupid is that? They are going to try to enforce this every time he makes a joke about a show or an employee. Conan is going to be in court non-stop if he allows that clause to exist.

Conan's lavish set was a harbinger of things to come. And not in a good way.

5) Conan's version of The Tonight Show was inexpliciably and inexcusably bad. Not terrible, but bad.

When NBC Universal head/dufas Jeff Zucker made a proposal to move The Jay Leno Show to 11:30 and The Tonight Show to the next day at 12:05, Conan wrote an eloquent and humorous refusal to accept the plan. People all over Twitter started a "Team Conan" trend, trying to draw support for his fledgling program. From a humanistic perspective, the story seems tragic: Conan O'Brien waits five years for his dream job, gets boned when his predecessor gets a promotion that seemingly devalues his dream job, and then his bosses try to give the predecessor his dream job back. However, when viewed from a slightly different perspective, this story doesn't hold water.

The way the fall in The Tonight Show's ratings is being portrayed, you'd think that Conan only had a slight loss in ratings and could be attributed to a poor prime-time lead in. NBC didn't give Conan a fair shot. Leno is a bad person. However, when you look the raw numbers, that logic doesn't hold water. Here are the viewership numbers for the 7-month period from June 2008-January 2009 for Leno/Letterman:

Tonight Show with Jay Leno: 5.1 million a night/1.8 million viewers between 18-34

Late Show with Letterman: 3.1 million a night/1.2 million viewers between 18-34

And here were the numbers over that same span since Conan's takeover:

Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien: 2.3 million a night/1.2 million viewers between 18-34

Late Show with David Letterman: 3.8 million a night/1.3 million viewers between 18-34

That's a 55% decline in viewership and a decrease in the coveted 18-34 demo. The given excuses (DVR, Hulu) don't cover such a severe drop in ratings. But that doesn't matter anyway because TV ratings is the only metric that actually translates into money for NBC. And what the news reports aren't saying is that The Tonight Show went from making $100 million annually under Leno to losing money under Conan. No business, even ones as incompetent as NBC, will continue a venture that is hemorrhaging cash. There were rumblings that Tonight would have to be cancelled, and NBC was hoping that The Jay Leno Show would succeed so that they could save Conan. As much as people love to point to the Carson-to-Leno drop, Leno still maintained a healthy ratings and profit margin.

Sorry Conan. Viewers don't lie. Money don't lie. And that's one reality of life: if you take over a business that has been wildly profitable for 50 years, and within 7 months you have driven it into the red, you will lose your job. (Unless you are Jeff Zucker. Then you will get another raise.)

Unfortunately, Conan's fall was tragically predictable. In fact, I predicted it back in May when the first photos of Conan's new set were made public. I wrote, "Conan's new set is lavish and grandiose, and Conan is neither of these. Conan is clever and quirky, and Late Night was never extravagant. I fear his set is writing checks his persona can't cash." And this was true.

This was exacerbated by a series of poor production decisions on the part of Conan and Executive Producer Jeff Ross. One of the keys of any show is that the host must be under control of the studio audience. Every episode of The Tonight Show felt as though his audience was a party of drunk fratboys who were one beer away from heckling him. The first five minutes of all his shows involved him trying to gain control of the studio audience, which is strange because he never had this problem at Late Night. The reason? When Conan was at Late Night, he came out before the taping started and took questions and messed around with the audience. This allowed the crazy kids to get the screaming out of their system, so when the show started, everyone was ready to enjoy the show instead of making fools out of themselves. But when Conan went to The Tonight Show, they stopped the pre-show meet-and-greets, and it showed. I always got the feeling that Conan was never in control of The Tonight Show. (By the way, watch David Letterman start his show. He is the master of controling the audience)

No segment summed up why Conan O'Brien failed better than his interview with NASCAR driver Jimmy Johnson. During the interview, Conan challenged Jimmy to a race, where Johnson drove a golf cart and Conan drove a drivable desk which he had used in other segments. (If you remember, Conan used to do a segment on Late Night where they put a bluescreen behind Conan's desk, and he took an unwitting audience member on a "drive" through Manhattan.) This change reflected a mindset that permeated every production decision made by Conan and Executive Producer Jeff Ross. It was like they were saying, "instead of a blue screen and a fake wheel, we can now afford an actual driving desk!" Whenever I watch Conan's new show, I feel like I'm watching "new money." His old Late Night program ran on a limited budget and he had to work within those constraints. Constraints often force people to think outside the box, and Conan's used this to his advantage. (For example, the famous "Walker: Texas Ranger" lever came to be because Conan realized he could now use Universal clips for free.) Now that he has a much larger budget in California, everything feels grander and richer, yet slightly less empty. All of his bits are similiar in nature: Here's Conan riding around on a bus (that cost money). Here's Conan on a sound stage making sound effects for Law and Order (that cost money!) And this Jimmy Johnson segment was everything that Conan's incarnation of The Tonight Show represented: bigger, more expensive and less entertaining.

All of these decisions reflected this mindset: Nobody thought that Conan O'Brien was less deserving to be the host of The Tonight Show than Conan O'Brien.

Another problem was Conan's decision to use Andy Richter to serve as the announcer. As much as I like Andy Richter as a comedian, Andy and Conan never had "it." We can't gauge "it," but we know it when we see it. Johnny and Ed had "it." Conan and Andy clearly like each other, but there is a certain something missing whenever they are bantering. My theory is this: in order for a comedian-announcer combo to work, the announcer either must be the straight man to the silly comedian (such as Ed with Johnny Carson) or so over-the-top that even the crazy comedian is shocked (like what Conan had with Joel Goddard). Andy isn't the straight man to Conan, and Andy isn't so over-the-top that Conan can consistently produce reactions. And their conversations don't come across as "natural" since Andy tends to "ham it up." So it just doesn't work.

That reminds me, with the passing of Ed McMahon, I got to thinking about what made him such a successful announcer. He he clever, but not over the top funny, so he knew when to chime in and when to get out of the way. Plus, there was an aura of professionalism that seems to be gone with announcers now-a-days. So, here's my ranking of the 10 most prominent Late Night announcers:

1) Ed McMahon - The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson

2) Bill Wendell - The Late Show with David Letterman

3) Joel Goddard - Late Night with Conan O'Brien

4) Burton Richardson - The Arsenio Hall Show

5) Ed Hall - The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

6) Alan Kalter - The Late Show with David Letterman

7) Dicky Barrett - Jimmy Kimmel Live

8) Andy Richter - The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien

9) Steve Higgins - Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

10) John Melendez - The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

(By the way, it's probably not as good omen for The Tonight Show that I spent five minutes detaing between Andy Richter, Steve Higgins and John Melendez, especially since John Melendez was known as "Stuttering John" on Howard Stern.)

How could NBC have predicted that their plans would be undermined by the mayor of Wasilla, AL?

6) You can't account for controversey. NBC could never have prepared for Letterman vs. Palin.

NBC lucked out when Jay Leno scored Hugh Grant's first interview following his arrest for soliciting a prostitute. Since July 10, 1995, Jay Leno consistently beat David Letterman in the ratings until Conan took over. Letterman had his first overnight win on the Monday of the second week (the guest was Howard Stern) and they battled for two weeks until Letterman made a joke about Sarah Palin's daughter. David Letterman did a Top 10 List about Governor Palin's trip to New York, and made the following joke: "During the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez."

Here was Governor Palin's response: “Concerning Letterman's comments about my young daughter (and I doubt he'd ever dare make such comments about anyone else's daughter): 'Laughter incited by sexually-perverted comments made by a 62-year-old male celebrity aimed at a 14-year-old girl is not only disgusting, but it reminds us some Hollywood/NY entertainers have a long way to go in understanding what the rest of America understands - that acceptance of inappropriate sexual comments about an underage girl, who could be anyone's daughter, contributes to the atrociously high rate of sexual exploitation of minors by older men who use and abuse others.' ”

Todd Palin added: “Any 'jokes' about raping my 14-year-old are despicable. Alaskans know it and I believe the rest of the world knows it, too.”

Two days later, David Letterman issued the following response: "These are not jokes made about her 14-year-old daughter. I would never, never make jokes about raping or having sex of any description with a 14-year-old girl," he said. Letterman insisted the jokes were intended to be about Bristol, who is 18-years-old. "Am I guilty of poor taste? Yes. Did I suggest that it was OK for her 14-year-old daughter to be having promiscuous sex? No." He then extended an invitation to Governor Palin to come on his show. Governor Palin responded by saying, "The Palins have no intention of providing a ratings boost for David Letterman by appearing on his show. Plus, it would be wise to keep Willow away from David Letterman."

Now, NBC could never have predicted the impact that the Sarah Palin and Intern scandals would have on Letterman's ratings. While debate raged whether Letterman or Palin were right, what is undeniable is that most people who would have sided with Palin probably weren't watching David Letterman anyway, whereas many people who would have sided with Letterman were not watching before. Letterman has not lost to Conan since Sarah Palin's controversey, and Letterman's handling of the intern/extortion plot situation only extended the lead further.

The major problem was this: whenever controversy arised, CBS's hosts discussed them head on, and NBC took a policy of not discussing it at all. NBC's rating skyrocketed when O'Brien and Leno finally talked controversy; unfortunately, they waited until it was about themselves. They could have avoided losing some ratings by addressing the "elephant in the room" such as Letterman's issues with Palin. By the time they did, it was too late, and it came across as vindictive and defensive instead of honest and forthright. For example, Jay Leno hit back at David Letterman by saying, "Letterman has been hammering me every night. Going after me … Hey Kev, you know the best way to get Letterman to ignore you? Marry him. He will not bother you. He won’t look you in the eye." Yikes! Then again, he may already be trying to go after the people who supported Palin in Palin v. Letterman.

7) If you are going to innovate... INNOVATE! The Jay Leno Show failed for the same reason The Tonight Show with Jay Leno succeeded: Jay played it safe and did not innovate

Many people point to Jay Leno's use of tried-and-true gimmicks as the reason for his success. "JayWalking" is derived from both Steve Allen's sidewalk gimmicks and David Letterman's "man of the street" bits. Even "Headlines" is a Jack Parr staple. But the other, less mentioned reason that Jay Leno succeeded is because he knew his limitations and delegated to other comedians. Regular appearances from Ross the Intern and Howie Mandel gave Jay the ability to maximize the potential of his show without forcing himself to work outside his comfort zone.

Unfortunately, those same traits led to his demise at 10pm. In order for The Jay Leno Show to work, it had to be new and innovative, while giving the viewer a reason to invest their time. Yet Jay stuck to his tried-and-true bits, except he rearrainged his bits because NBC felt that viewers would stick around if Headlines was at the end of the show. It was a bad idea at the time, and even worse in retrospect. If one of the reasons behind the creation of this show was to reinvent prime-time television, they why didn't they take any chances with the show?

They could have solved this problem if they had been honest with themselves from the beginning about the potential problems with the show. For example, one of the advantages of the show was that the per-episode cost of the show was less than the typical prime-time drama. However, they disadvantage is that they lose money on the back end: DVD sales and syndication are non-existent. So, if one of Jay's strengths is delegation, and they need to find a way to make money on the back end, why not turn Jay's show into a Super American Idol? Take different days to showcase singers, comedians, dancers, ect. Have competitions, and have Jay bring in celebrity hosts and phone lines people could call in. Then you can sell "Best of Jay Leno Singers," "The Jay Leno Comedy All-Stars." You could tap into the popularity of reality TV. It adds value to the back end of the program, and - just maybe - help promote talent in a way that late night hosts have not since Johnny Carson retired.

Why I Despise the Local Group

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 02:17:00 +0000

I am fascinated by cults; in particular, by how good people fall into them. More often than not, individuals do not realize they are members of a cult until they find themselves bereft of their finances or health. When Steve invited me to the prayer meeting that night, I assumed that this was a Christian meeting, since most of the people in attendance also attend an evangelical organization on campus. I have not had a good history with the church. I managed to find spiritual abuses in every church I have attended. It got to the point where people would ask me to come to their church because they suspected something wrong was happening, and they respected my nose for finding the bad apples. As a result, I possess a great mistrust of Christian authority, which they have earned in spades. However, I quickly realized that this was not a Christian meeting, as most reasonable Christians would consider Steve’s thoughts to be heretical and scripturally unsound. I went into this prayer meeting knowing full well that this was probably a cult. Moreover, I went for the worst possible reason: this will be a great comedy bit.

We went into this room, and I immediately realized this was a terrible idea because I saw every single close friend I had met since I moved to Tampa. All of them. My heart sank when I saw them, which was interesting because they were thrilled that I had finally decided to meet Jesus. I knew my life was about to change: if I actually met Jesus, then I was dropping out of college and becoming a hermit. If I didn’t meet Jesus, I was going to have to cut myself off from every person I knew within 1,000 miles. Either way, I was about to become extremely lonely.

Since you are reading this, you’ve probably figured out that I did not meet Jesus. I did have an experience though, and it was one of unadulterated anger. During this ritual, every person in the room started crawling and speaking in tongues. (No joke, one person kept repeating ‘Hannah Mo Montana, Hannah Me Montana’” That is not from God.) Eventually, Steve said, “He is here!” and everyone stopped and turned to the center to witness, well, nothing. They sat there for a solid twenty minutes, taking in everything that their imaginary friend said. I got bored and started surfing Facebook on my iPhone. (Ignoring a Cult: There's an App for That!)

After they finished, Steve asked me about my experience. I forget exactly what I said, but I said something to the effect of, “are you kidding me? Nothing happened.”

“Matt, Jesus thinks you lack faith,” Steve said. “That’s why he didn’t reveal himself to you.”

“First of all, you didn’t know I didn’t see Jesus until I just told you. Second, if I lacked faith, and he was here, wouldn’t it have been wise for him to reveal himself to me. That would take care of the faith thing pretty fucking quickly.”

I looked around the room, and noticed they were looking at me intently. It was the same look that Lord Summerisle and his followers had before they sacrificed Neil Howie in The Wicker Man. I was overcome by terror and anger. I frantically asked them questions: “what did you see?” “What did He say?” “What does He look like?”

Every time I asked, Steve interrupted, determined to prevent them from answering. I knew that if they answered my questions, they would give conflicting answers and his fraud would be revealed. Eventually, I turned to Steve and said, “I can’t stay here any longer.” And I ran. I was genuinely terrified of what they would do. I had a brief picture in my head of them tying me up and putting me in a giant Wicker Man. Thankfully, I had recently moved and they did not know my new address.

I got home, distraught from my experience, and my puppy, sensing my sadness, came up to me and licked my face a number of times. I decided to do my planned reading for the night, and the first essay was “How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found” from Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman. The first sentence of the essay, and I am being dead serious, is this: I am having a crisis of confidence, and I blame Jesus.

I had not laughed that hard in a long time. I marveled at the coincidence, and dutifully read on. In this essay, Klosterman describes the Left Behind series and commentates on the notion of being “born again.” He ultimately concludes that, if one could only do good work if they were “born-again,” then it would not even be good; it would simply be a function of normal behavior. To me, the “normal” behavior was one of manipulation. How many times had I witnessed church corruption and came back, only to witness it in another form? This essay hit close to home.

***

To summarize, I will paraphrase something my friend Graham wrote in a blog post recently: I do not fear God. Instead, I fear what bad people, when left to their own devices, will do to good people who do fear God.

I hope this gives you some more perspective on what I've been going through.

Proof by Contradiction

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 06:04:00 +0000

Proof by contradiction is used to establish the truth or validity of a proposition by showing that the premise that the proposition is false implies a contradiction. Since by the law of bivalence a proposition must be either true or false, if the negation of that proposition is proven to be false, then the proposition must be true.

The logical equation is p → (R ∧ ¬R), and the reasoning goes like this: Assume proposition R is false. If the logical requirements for R to be false are not met, then R can not be false. Therefore, R must be true. Here's an example:

Statement: Monkeys are awesome

Proof: Assume that monkeys are not awesome. Then, you would be able to watch this video of a monkey performing ninjitsu and not think, "that is awesome." Since one can not watch that video without thinking "that is awesome," the proposition "monkeys are not awesome" is false. Therefore, monkeys are awesome. QED.

Other times, proof by contradiction can be used to prove a statement false. For example:

Statement: The Jay Leno Show is a success for NBC

Proof: Assume The Jay Leno Show is a failure for NBC. If true, then the show would be in last place and the local affiliates would be in open revolt. Since the show is in last place and the local affiliates are in open revolt, The Jay Leno Show is a failure for NBC. Therefore, The Jay Leno Show is NOT a success for NBC. QED

This example is interesting, because NBC would say that their goal was a 1.5 rating and that their definition of success rides on the profitability of The Jay Leno Show. Even though NBC's position is ridiculous (they are in 4th place), they can change the proof by redefining success and failure in order to make the proof work.

Too many times, I hear a religious or philosophical argument where both debaters are solely using proof by contradiction to support their claims. However, these discussions de-evolve due to the inevitablity of contradiction in their own beliefs. The fallacy of logic within the realm of philosophy and religion is that, by definition, it is incomplete due to our inability to ultimately prove the propositions true or false. God can not be proven or disproven with logic since there are so many different interpretations of "God," "is," and "real." Therefore, both the proposition ("God is real") and its negation ("God is not real") are viable, making proof by contradiction a fruitless enterprise.

So, why do people continue to use proof by contradiction in their debates? Because it is easier to say, "you can't prove there is no God" than to say "I can't prove there is a God." For many, that's what modern faith has become: the comfort in knowing that the other side can't definitively prove the proposition of faith to be false. However, there is uncertainty in this approach, because there is lingering doubt that the proposition on which they base their faith (There is a God) can not be proven either. This is not a case of doubting bad faith. However, in my experience, I've witnessed too many people recognize that it is easy to manipulate the uncertain for personal, moral and financial gain.

Faith ultimately arises when the individual is certain that their beliefs (proposition) are true while proof by contradiction can feasibly demonstrate the proposition to be false. This is logical idealism.

Between Depression and Salvation

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 05:42:00 +0000

I think that, as a species, we are intellectually inferior to geese. Granted, we have built great cities, giant skyscrapers, computer networks that allow us to communicate with anyone on the planet and cures to many of life's most vicious diseases. And the goose does not have the opposable thumbs to build homes. But the homelessness of the goose is precisely why I think they are so smart. They prove it's all worthless.

"But Matt, aren't you an engineer? And if so, why are you so down on your chosen profession? Maybe it's just you who is dumber than a goose."

Fair enough, but consider this: every changing of the season, I hear people complain about the weather: it's too hot and humid, but I moved from Minnesota where they weather is too cold! This is the survival instinct kicking in; somewhere, in the recesses of the brain, the conscious is screaming, "hey, idiot! your body was not designed to survive this weather." The goose, on the other hand, takes that complaint to it's logical conclusion: if the weather sucks so much here, and I know I have a much better chance to survive if I fly somewhere else, why stay here?

For humans, the cultural pressure to remain in one location is enormous. Whether it's contractual mortages or rent, employment and peer pressure, I've never ceased to be amazed by the stubbornness of people to stay in one place. Even as they say, "the weather depresses me, it's always cloudy and my blood is freezing," they will not move. But the fact that people are stubborn isn't what makes me think the goose is smarter than us. It's the fact that the power-hungry have figured this fact out, people know they are being manipulated and they still won't move.

For example, the state of New York raised taxes to combat the economic downfall this year, causing many rich New Yorkers to move. Eventually, the state ended up losing revenue. "You heard the mantra, 'Tax the rich, tax the rich,'" said Governor Patterson. "We've done that. We've probably lost jobs and driven people out of the state." A comment by Lt. Gov. Richard Ravitch really caught my attention: "People aren't wedded to a geographic place as they once were. It's a different world."

Whether or not you think that raising taxes is logical or not is irrelevant; the fact that politicians raised taxes knowing full well that people would succumb to societies pressures - rather than go somewhere they felt would provide them the best chance of success - is extremely significant. Even though people know that their opportunities are limited and that they are being used, they will sit there and take it because of the promise of community. However, judging by the way we take care of our sick and poor, the promise of community is just that: promising. "We will raise your taxes, and you will have better roads, schools, hospitals and less crime." And even after hundreds of years of failing to deliver on that promise, most people are perfectly content to continue to wait while their freedoms and wallets continue to shrink.

Let me illustrate my point: once, I performed a comedy show in York, PA at a frat house where they kept a 4 foot long crocodile in a cage on stage. In this cage, there was a small pool with a log. One of the frat guys said, "I'm gonna feed the croc!" and took a long pole and hit the log. About 10 goldfish were hiding under the log, and they scattered like crazy. With the exception of the fish that the croc caught, the others hid under the log again.

Imagine being one of those goldfish; you'd probably realize that you were either going to starve to death or be eaten by a creature hundreds of times your size. Hiding under that log would only prolong the inevitable, but no one in their right mind would just give up and let themselves get eaten. We'd probably hope that the even-larger humans would take the crocodile out of the pool and we'd get to swim free. However, that's precisely what the owners of the crocodile were counting on. If all the goldfish gave up, the croc would eat them all at once and then eventually starve to death. Not only were the frat guys feeding the crocodile goldfish, they were using the hope and survival instinct of the goldfish to pace the crocodile's diet.

Moralists often play to these same instincts. Whether it's the fall of man in the Bible or the Iman-e-Mufassil, religions often start with this notion: the world is full of evil and suffering. In order to escape this evil, one must submit to the will of ~~the high priests~~ God. The reason why some people never fully gravitate away from religion is because you have to stare evil right in the face. (Without the log, nothing separates the goldfish from the crocodile) There are certain ugly realities you have to acknowledge when you consider the world from a non-theistic approach. For example, if a man rapes and murders a woman, and nobody ever finds out he did it, then there will be no justice. In fact, you'd have to consider the notions of "rape," "murder" and "justice" to be human constructs and nothing more. That is a profoundly disturbing thought, and many who dwell on this either fall into depression or decide they can't envision a universe without justice and go back to faith.

I can't help but think that many religious leaders count on this, just like frat guys counted on the goldfish to hide. For every church community leader I've met that were ethical (like John Ring), I've met 10 that were among the most profoundly dishonest and manipulative people I've ever met.

Here's a story to illustrate my point: A few years and a few girlfriends ago, I went to the River Valley Ranch to attend a rodeo/Christian concert. The rodeo was great because I got to see three things people only dream of: a praying rodeo clown, an actual midget riding a baby bull and said bull throwing midget off his back, and attempting to have sex with said midget as hundreds of horrified Christians looked on. The thing I will always remember is the concert. Well, not that terribly well because I can not, for the life of me, remember the name of the artist. In the middle of the concert, he stopped the show and talked about his frustration with the Christian music industry and said, "for my next song, I'm going to play the music I feel God compels me to play, not the music the industry thinks I should play." And the song was awesome. Afterwards, I went up to him and said something to the effect of, "I want to know the series of events that caused you to play that song." For the next 20 minutes, he told me everything about the "Christian music machine," like how much "market research" controls the content of the music (example: there are five musical keys - ie D - that elicit a feeling of spiritual euphoria) and how many prominent Christian musicians are athiests who flamed out. (I actually got to experience this phenomenon a few years later when I briefly dabbled in Christian comedy and discovered that most of them 1) didn't believe and 2) were massive hacks.)

In Alex Szatmary's essay, Controlling for God, he writes, "one can control for God a little bit, though, if one believes that God can be experienced personally, rather than only seen in nature." He then says, "it would be a needless loss to live your life thinking that God is there, if he isn't, if your belief was only grounded in how you feel singing worshipful songs." When I read it, I couldn't help but think about my conversation; how many people believe in God because they experienced an emotion conjured through extensive market research? For how many of these people does worship music serve as their hiding log?

The reason why I think the goose is smarter than the human is because they stare evil - predators and deadly weather - in the face, and went where their best chance of survival lies without succumbing to depression or hoping for salvation. To paraphrase Fredrick Douglass, they prayed with their wings. They fly in V Formation to maximize the strength of the flock. They always protect each other and make sure they all get enough food. I'm sure there are geese that do evil to other geese, but in general, it seems their attitude is this: We know the world is evil, so we are going to protect and help each other, and fight anyone who tries to hurt us. They treat each other better that us humans ever will, and they don't need some sky god to make them do it.

Somewhere between depression and salvation, the goose flies free.

Cute Cartoon Genocide

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 10:27:00 +0000

For a long time, I considered the following question to be one of history's greatest "What If" scenarios: What if Germany won World War II? However, I recently read the Bible from cover to cover and realized that we live this scenario every day. And the answer is: the people of 2144 would go out of their way to glorify the goodness of Adolf Hitler, and selectively ignore the atrocities of the Nazi regime. They'd be taught that Hitler was a prophet, or even a demigod. And they'd teach their precocious children about their good buddy Adolf, and why things are so great because Uncle Adolf got rid of all those bad people who disobeyed God. And all the children would have to do is obey Adolf's commands, and they'd be rewarded with happiness.

One of my first humor writings, in 1997, mocked a commercial for a brand new cartoon called "Veggie Tales: Josh and the Big Wall." I found the commercial amusing because it was poorly contrived and made it seem like the characters were eating each other. Since I was highly influenced by Dave Barry at the time, I wrote comments like "Veggie Cannibalism would be a good name for a rock band." Of course, I hadn't watched the cartoon and knew very little about how Joshua and the Isrealites conquered Jericho other than that they walked around the town wall for seven days, blew horns and screamed at the wall before it came tumbling down. The actual consequences of this movie were lost on me.

In Josh and the Big Wall, Josh - portrayed cutely by Larry the Cucumber - gives the command to walk around the wall of Jericho for seven days. On the day, the soldiers of Jericho - adorable Peas who sound remarkably like the French Guard of the Castle Arrrrrr in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" - shoot slushies at God's people in a slap-stick style montage. (The only thing missing was Yakity Saks) God's people nearly quit after Josh's less than passionate defense of the first day. ("That could, umm, have been a lot worse. We made it all the way around... and we only need to do thi six more days, umm, and that will take care of it.") Fortunately, a child comes to the people and says, "God gave you directions, and you are ignoring them. Don;t you remember what was supposed to happen when you were supposed to go to the Promised Land and you got scared and ran away instead? Because you didn't follow God's directions, you had to stay in the desert for 40 years. I know God's directions don't always make sense to us, but things turn out better when we do things God's way instead of trying to do things our own way." The child cucumber then breaks out into song - The Lord Has Given - and all those crazy adults become empowered to keep marching for six more days. On the seventh day, the priests play "When the Saints Go Marching In," the veggies scream, and the walls fall. Josh walks through the remains and says, "God has given us this land," and the soldiers who were in the town scream and flee.

After the tale, one of the "veggies" - the one who is a child - asks another, "Did they really build a rocket in the desert and get slushies dropped on their heads." The adult veggie - a tomato - says, "uh, no. Those were some things we put in our story. Remember? We're using our imaginations. But there really was a guy named Joshua, and the Isrealites really did walk around Jericho and the walls really did fall down." Then, the tomato turns to the viewer and says, "If you want to learn more about Joshua, you can read about him in the Bible... in the Book of Joshua." Then the child veggie tells the viewer, "What the Isrealites learned is that, because God loves them and is always looking out for them, that His way was the Best way. And because Joshua obeyed God's word, Joshua went on to become a great leader, just like Moses!" Then, they turn the computer - named Qwerty - who quotes Bible verses like an annoying pop-up ad. This time, Qwerty tells the veggies about 2 Samuel 22:31, which says, "As for God, His way is perfect." The child veggie says, "Well, gee! If God's way is perfect, then it makes sense to obey Him. Remember, God made you special, and He loves you VERY MUCH."

I found it interesting that Qwerty didn't mention the actual verses that the climax of the story is based on, Joshua 6:20-21: "When the people heard the sound of the horns, they shouted as loud as they could. Suddenly, the walls of Jericho collapsed, and the Israelites charged straight into the city from every side and captured it. They completely destroyed every living thing in it – men and women, young and old, cattle, sheep and donkeys." Nor did Qwerty mention Joshua 6:24: "Then they burned the whole city and everything in it, but they put the silver and gold and the articles of bronze and iron into the treasury of the LORD's house." I guess the complete annihialation of the residents of a city, and giving all their valuables to the high priests kind of gets in the way of telling a good children's story. I also suppose it's hard to write cute songs about the slaughter of millions of innocent children. I was actually impressed with Qwerty's ability to differentiate between verses that tell you to be obedient and those which tell you to kill everyone who disagrees with you despite Qwerty's rather poor GUI capabilities. The Selective Bible Algorithm must be outstanding.

If I were to make a similar cartoon about the genocide in Darfur, the removal of the American Indian tribes from their lands, racial cleansing under Slobodan Milosevic, the Great Calamity or the atrocities of Mao Ze-Dong, Stalin, Vlad the Impaler, Pol Pot or Saddam Hussein, I'd become a pariah, publically ridiculed by all religions, political parties and the media at large. And rightfully so. But "Josh and the Big Wall" does precisely that, and encourages kids to giddily sing, laugh and clap along with Josh and he slaughters the people of Jericho and takes all their valuables.

The Bible, as I discovered, is filled with all kinds of stories of mass murder, genocide, systematic rape, enslavement and pillaging that the good people at Veggie Tales can make into children's cartoon. I'm not talking occassionally either. Millions of women lose the dignity in the name of God in the Bible; if they are fortunate enough to be virgins, they are sold into sex slavery or unwillingly bethrothed to Isrealites. If they are married, they are murdered. And if they are extremely unfortunate to be pregnant... well, I think what was done to pregnant women in the Bible is the single-most vile thing I've ever read. And I've read the children's book by Madonna.

Another Veggie Tales covers all these bases in "Gideon: Tuba Warrior," a tuba-playing cucumber who ordered the slaughter of the Midianites and - surprise! - got a lot of gold as a reward. To be specific, in Judges 8:26, "the weight of the golden earrings that he requested was a thousand and seven hundred shekels of gold; beside ornaments, and collars, and purple raiment that was on the kings of Midian, and beside the chains that were about their camels' necks." The gold came from the earrings of the men in Midian, who were killed and robbed by Gideon's men. A "shekel" is approximately 17 grams, which means that 1700 sheckles of gold is 63.7 pounds of gold. The cost of an ounce of gold, as of this writing, is $994.25, which means that Gideon made a tidy profit of just over $1 million just from the earrings of the men he ordered slaughtered.

(Another thing they left out of "Gideon: Tuba Warrior" is that Gideon had threescore and ten sons. Wow! 70 sons... and he was a tuba player. I guess band geeks got much luckier than they do now. Although having $1 million in gold doesn't hurt either. Of course, no mention of daughters at all.)

If the Nazi's won World War II, there would be indoctrination of children through stories, cartoons and songs. They'd make a cartoon called, "Adolf and the Big Blitz," where Adolf - portrayed as a white cate and his army of loyal cats known as the Aryans - would challenge the French - played by evil dogs - and the Jews - who would be sneaky mice. They'd tell the kids that the Jews were responsible for famine and that they disobeyed God. Thankfully, the kids would learn, Adolf the cat would join the other cats in a blitz on the rest of Europe. He would cough up wisdom, songs and hairballs throughout the Ardennes and they would prevail in the end. The moral, of course, would be to listen to God, your parents and all authority figures. There may even be a version of Qwerty, who correctly quotes Mein Kampf (which would be The Book of Adolf in 2144 Nazi germany) as saying, "I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator," while leaving out the next part that says, "by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord." And the kids would laugh as the Aryan cats outwit the stupid dogs and capture the silly mice, and obey their Nazi leaders.

The biggest tragedy would be that the Jews, French, Polish and English would become lost to history. All that the people of 2144 would have is the accounts of the Nazis, and a few lost works that might contradict them. It makes you wonder what the Midianites were really like. I wonder if the people at Jericho were just minding their own business and got slaughtered by a nomadic people who were tricked by their priests into thinking that they were evil. How bad were the people in Sodom and Gomorrah really?

The people at Big Idea, the people behind Veggie Tales, didn't seem to care so much. That company's story is a tragic one, only because they were so focused on "ministry" and "profit." They eventually went bankrupt after HIT Entertainment, the company that is famous for Barney and Bob the Builder, won a lawsuit for the rights to Veggie Tales. Essentially, HIT Entertainment took all their money with regard for the livelihood of the folks at Big Idea... kind of like Gideon's stealing of the earrings and Joshua's slaughter of the people at Jericho.

I'd find the irony amusing if they hadn't made their money off the belittling of mass genocide.

But if one thing is constant, it's that people will always look the other way when reality doesn't match their belief system. And they will shield those realities from their children in anyway possible. That's how the parents of Nazi Germany in 2144 would have addressed the Holocaust, and that's how Christian parents address the plethora of genocides committed in the name of God in the Bible. With talking vegetables.

It's cute cartoon genocide. Adolf the Hip-Cat would be proud.

The Morning Monologue: 8-24-09

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 07:19:00 +0000

Hey everyone,

I'm in a good mood today, and I'll tell you why: I've gotten on a bus in my lifetime, which means that I have passed the Britian Educational Quality Assurance's 'Using Public Transport (Unit 1)' Exam! This exam, quote, "honours those able to walk to the local bus stop, stand or sit at a bus stop, wait for the arrival of a public bus and sit on the bus and observe through the windows." It's even better because "honours" has a 'u' in it, so you can feel superior to commoners and Scotsmen. "Those dirty Scotsmen and their kilts will never receive such an honour!" people commonly say in England. "Their kilts keep them off of buses and out of employment!"

The good people at the QA take this test way too seriously. Bury's Youth Support Services Manager, Barbara Lewis said, "This certificate isn't just about getting on the bus, it's about time management, working out bus routes and for some people, travelling alone for the first time." And they mean business; about 1/3rd of the students failed this test! As it turns out, calling for your mom makes you a failure in the eyes of the Britian Educational Quality Assurance Program.

Precocious Kid: Mommy, the bus driver smells like cheese!
QA Grader: YOU FAILED AT BUS SCHOOL!

Another reason I'm in a good mood: A lost Chihuahua with pink earrings was finally found after a man with a Britney Spears tattoo on his neck allegedly stole it from a South Florida gay bar patron during his birthday party. As I've always said, never trust a man with a Britney Spears' name tattooed on his neck. They are Chihuahua thieves! Every time I see a man with a Britney Spears neck tattoo and a chihuahua, I call the cops. That chihuahua does not belong to him. And these Britney Spears-inked chihuahua thieves have no heart. They will steal your chihuahua on your birthday. To be fair, the man handed his chihuahua, named Hudson Hayward Hemingway, to the man he had never met - a man with a Britney Spears tattoo on his neck - and expected nothing bad to happen.

(This reminds me. There is an NBA player named Kenyon Martin who got a tattoo of lips on his neck to prove he was faithful to his girlfriend. Then he cheated on her. Never trust a man with a neck tattoo, whether they be lips or of Britney Spears. Hey, it's a good policy.)

And this man wasn't even invited. He just showed up at the party and stole the Chihuahua! It's like Wedding Crashers meets Beverly Hills Chihuahua meets Taken. "I don't know who you are, other than your Britney Spears tattoo. But if you let Hudson Hayward Hemingway go, I will do nothing. But if you do not, I will track you down. I will find you, and I will kill you."

The final thing is that the bedazzled chihuahua thief got away by bus. Which means that he passed the Britian Educational Quality Assurance's 'Using Public Transport (Unit 1)' Exam. But he got caught by the police, which makes you wonder: how do you explain to the drugs dealers, murders and gang bangers that you are in jail because you stole a chihuahua with earrings named Hudson Hayward Hemingway from a gay bar on a man's birthday? More importantly, would any inmate in their right mind mess with a chihuahua thief? I say everyone in the joint is secretly afraid of him.

Hope you enjoyed,
Matt Morrison

The Morning Monologue: 8-12-09

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 16:30:00 +0000

Hey everyone,

I'm in a good mood today, and I'll tell you why: I ate the winner of the 2008 National Championship of Pie! That's right, the Key West Key Lime Company won 1st Place at the American Pie Council National Pie Championships for their Key Lime pie. And let me tell you, it was magnificent. It was such a good pie, I named it "National Champ." Usually, when you give something a name, you are far less inclined to eat it. But this pie is so good that I gave it a moniker, and ate it anyway! Here's the business card:

It was a thank you from my good friend Tara, and I have to say this pie is so good that accepting this gift from her probably made us legally married in 13 countries. This pie was way better than 40 goats and 20 cows, and that's the asking price in Kenya!

Q: But Matt, if you accept the cows and goats, couldn't you barter them for much more pie?
A: I live in an apartment, which is much better suited for storing pie than goats.
Q: But didn't Al Gore claim to have 5,000 chickens at his Washington residence, which was the Watergate Hotel?
A: But that didn't actually happen. Plus, cows are much bigger than chickens.

I took the pie to my friends Kaitlyn and Mary, who agreed that this was a beautiful pie. We spoke reverent tones: "Be careful with the National Champion, we don't want it to melt. It needs to defend its title!" Instead of business cards, they should send little championship belts like in boxing.

The first question that came to my mind when I read the business card was, "there is an American Pie Council?" How, in my many years in school, did every single one of my educators fail to inform me of this? It was my manifest destiny to join the American Pie Council, and they kept pushing me to engineering. What constitutes membership in the American Pie Council? Are they like the United Nations? Do they vote every year to see if they'll allow mince meat pie to join? How do they determine the National Champion of pie? How do I get on the committee? And why isn't this televised? How does Kim Kardashian have a show, yet there is no "National Championship of Pie" show? And shouldn't everyone at the Food Network be fired for this oversight? Listen, John Madden is available to commentate on the National Pie Championships! Wouldn't you watch John Madden commentate on the National Pie Super Bowl? Of course you would! Let's get this idea moving.

So I look up the American Pie Council, which proudly bills itself as "the only non-profit international association for pie." That means this is for charity, so by eating a National Championship winning pie, you are helping the children. The APC is "designed to raise awareness, enjoyment and consumption of pies." I didn't know that people were unaware of the existence of pie.

Jim: Bob, do you want some pie?
Bob: I'm sorry, what is this "pie" of which you speak.
Jim: Here, try this!
Bob: Wow! This is great! How did you hear of pie?
Jim: The American Pie Council, "the only non-profit international association for pie.:
Bob: Thank God for the American Pie Council. Thanks to them, I am aware of pie!

The site has an actual "History of Pie," (also not taught in school! How Bill Clinton was in office for 8 years and never implemented a "History of Pie" class blows my mind.) The site says, "The Romans must have spread the word about pies during the early 3rd century," which means that, while the apostles were spreading the gospel of Jesus, other Romans were spreading the gospel of pie. No wonder they call it "the glory days of Rome."

I do have a couple of problems with the American Pie Council. They designated National Pie Day as January 23rd. I'm sorry, but I think most Americans have agreed that Pie Day is March 14th (3.14). Also, we need to come up with a better ad campaign than this slightly disturbing ad for National Pie Day.

Finally, the 2010 National Pie Championships are approaching! The Super Bowl of Pie will be April 23-24 at the Omni Championsgate in Orlando, FL! I knew it was my destiny to move down to Florida! Road Trip! I am going to become the Mr. Miyagi of pie! Because this pie is the best... around, and nothing's ever gonna keep you down!

Hope you enjoyed,
Matt Morrison

The Morning Monologue: 8-11-09

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 17:45:00 +0000

Hey everyone,

I'm in a good mood today, and I'll tell you why: I just discovered that Arnold Schwarzenegger has a Twitter page! Of course, I was excited about all the great tweets the Governator would bestow upon the world:

GovT2JinglesAllTheWay: Breakfast was delicious. I ate a whole bear!
GovT2JinglesAllTheWay: Working out keeps me in shape. http://bit.ly/A0O0S
GovT2JinglesAllTheWay: Arghghghg!

His actual Twitter page was slightly disappointing, since it uses actual sentences:

Schwarzenegger: Calling a Special Session of the Legislature to consider Tax Commission recs for modernizing CA tax system when they're released.

Boring! Listen, Arnold, you didn't get to where you are at by modernizing the tax system. You got to where you are at by killing communists, alien predators, half the cops sworn to protect John Connor, a guy in a bear suit, Tom Arnold, kindergardeners, the Batman series, male pregnancy and the California state budget.

The thing is, it's quite possible that Arnold has actually never seen this page. Something tells me he would have tweeted about the time he gave California State Senator Darrell Steinberg a metal sculpture of bull testicles because he, quote, "would need them to make some tough budget choices." He would have tweeted:

Schwarzenegger: Grly man got the bulls balls! Next, I send a pair to Obama. Obaminator! BILLY!

Of course, Arnold Schwarzenegger is not the only Governor who has a Twitter page. Soon-to-be-former Governor Sarah Palin has her own page, which has an amazing background image:

It appears as though she is lording over her domain, and that she is 200 feet tall! No wonder she can see Russia. She's so tall that the polar bear pin on her jacket is an actual polar bear. Of course, we all know the next scene of this movie:

WATCH OUT SARAH PALIN! GODZILLA IS ROAMING THE PLAINS OF ALASKA!

(Of course, the battle would be narrated by Perry Mason)

Of course, all kinds of celebrities have Twitter pages. Even Kim Kardashian~~'s butt~~ has a large following. But none have the cultural relevance of Larry King's Twitter page. Larry King and Twitter were meant to be. Larry King's USA Today column remains the most mocked column in the history of newspapers (may they rest in peace). He used the "dot-dot-dot" format, which is a compilation of thoughts, each followed by "..." In fact, my Random Thoughts notes started out as a parody of Larry King's USA Today column. Needless to say, he thrives on Twitter:

kingsthings: Of all the muffins, corn is my favorite.
kingsthings: I love black licorice, but you can have red licorice.
kingsthings: Bob Barker wrote something for my blog! It's not about Plinko or the showcase showdown, but animals. check it out! http://tinyurl.com/lbn34f

First of all, who is Plinko? Second, I was scared to check out the link, because Bob Barker ended every "The Price is Right" by saying, "remember to spay and neuter your pets." But I did, and the title of the article is "Cherokee’s Unbearable Bear Pits." He starts by saying "I never imagined I’d be writing a blog post for CNN at the age of 85." Of course, because when you were 75 years old, there were no such thing as blogs.

Yesterday, the wife of Twitter CEO Evan Williams made headlines for tweeting while in labor. Her first tweet was "Dear Twitter, My water broke. It wasn't like Charlotte in Sex and the City. Now, timing contractions on an iPhone app." As it turns out, the iPhone contractions app is only accurate for the first few hours of labor, which is fine, because by then, the expectant mother is in so much pain that she only sees her iPhone as an iWeapon to iMurder her iHusband who made her iPregnant, and they better get this iBaby out of my iWomb before I go iPostal!

Her last tweet was, fittingly, "Epidural, yes please."

Hope you enjoyed,
Matt Morrison

P.S. Happy birthday to my brother Jim

P.P.S Here is a running list of "Morning Monologues"
The Morning Monologue: 8-11-09 - Arnold Schwarzenegger is on Twitter! Sarah Palin fights Godzilla. Larry King likes licorice
The Morning Monologue: 8-10-09 - Chelsea gets an unusual proposal from a man in Kenya

The Morning Monologue: 8-10-09

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 17:37:00 +0000

Hey everyone,

I'm in a good mood today, and I'll tell you why: A Kenyan man has offered 40 goats and 20 cows to Chelsea Clinton as a marriage proposal. It puts me in a good mood when people shoot for their dreams, and it's even better when their dream is ridiculous and they fail spectacularly!

His reasoning for proposing was, and I quote, "I like her family and how they stick together." This raises an important question: does Kenya have Wikipedia? Perhaps my recollection of 1997 is a little fuzzy, but loyalty is not exactly a Clinton family trait. By the way, I Google'd "Clinton stick together"... do not do that. There are some things you can't unsee.

(Note: You know I'd never post something actually dirty. So do click on the "can't unsee" link. I'll let Alex Szatmary explain the greatness that link entails in the comments.)

In fact, he first proposed to Chelsea by telegram... 9 years ago!. I hope he wore a top hat and monocle while writing that message:
I am offering my hand in marriage STOP
I live in Kenya STOP
I will give your parents 40 goats and 20 cows STOP
I hear they'll send these messages soon on FLYING MACHINES! STOP

When Bill read it,I bet he thought, "Wow, think of all we can do with 40 goats and 20 cows!" Admit it, when you read that last sentence, you read it in the Clinton voice and thought, "ooh, that's dirty." I didn't even say anything dirty, and you are all thinking, "there goes Matt with his Bill Clinton sex joke." Who's the one with the dirty mind? You are! Bill then said, "Define cow." You did it again! Pervert! OK, I did too. It's impossible to think of Bill Clinton in pure terms. I bet you were even a bit startled when you read "Bill Clinton" and "pure" in the same sentence. In fact, when I Googled "Bill Clinton pure," it responded with "did you mean 'Bill Clinton sex?'" Even Google gets a little dirtier when Bill Clinton is involved.

But all this makes me think about how different proposals are in Kenya than America. In America, you have to save up two months rent to buy a diamond. In Kenya, you give her father a farm, which is way more useful. "I'm hungry, can we eat the diamond? No. Can we eat the cow? YES!" In America, you get down on one knee to propose. In Kenya, you don't want to get down on one knee because you may kneel in cow poop. It is a simpler place.

When the message was conveyed, Hillary Clinton's response was the appropriate one: barely stifled laughter. She said, ""She's very independent So I will convey this very kind offer," which, when you add in the sarcasm, roughly translates to, "are we sure this guy doesn't have one of those sexual predator ankle bracelets?" His response: "she promised that she will take the proposal to the daughter and I am now waiting." Subtlety doesn't really work with this guy, which is why he's been waiting 9 years since the first proposal. I'm sure has made his wife delighted. I'll say that again, because I'm sure that point bears repeating: the man proposing to Chelsea Clinton is already married. And her dowry was probably smaller, which I'm sure got him yelled at when he got home from work:

"Why am I only worth 30 goats and a rooster?"
"Roosters are very valuable!"
"You're sleeping on the couch"
"We don't have a couch!"
"Then sleep in the mud."

Here's the weird part: Hillary has to fly all the way back to America to ask Chelsea. Then, they have to fly back and pick up the 40 goats and 20 cows, and ship them back to the States. For all the money they'll spend on flights and gasoline, they could probably buy 100 cows. So, if Chelsea actually accepts this proposal, she would actually lose 60 theoretical cows and/or goats. It would make much more sense if a man in Siberia wanted to marry Bristol Palin, and offered a polar bear, 3 moose and a walrus. You can ship those across the Bering Strait on the cheap.

In the end, he doesn't think he'll ever get a response because, quote, "Unfortunately, I don't have their contact information." I'm amazed Hillary never gave him her phone number. Actually, he thought he had it, but it was the rejection hotline. The Rejection Old Timey Telegram Machine:

You got the telegram because you liked someone STOP
Your quest for courtship is a failure STOP
She does not want to go to one of those talkie films STOP
Keep your goats and cows STOP

Hope you enjoyed,
Matt Morrison

Who am I?

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 20:35:00 +0000

When we get to know one another, we go through all kinds of bizarre and strange rituals to quickly glean information from one another. We ask each other all kinds of mundane questions:

What's your name?
Where are you from?
Are you going to eat that?
Where do you work?
What's your sign?
Do you have VD?

We meet and greet, network and socialize.
We hobnob, rub shoulders, mingle and fraternize.
We break the ice, take the plunge and pave the way.
We cut the first turf and lay the first stone.

And we do all of this to get the answer to one simple question: Who are you?

So, who am I?

I'm a simply complex, straightforward existential ex-introvert.
I'm time-intensive, current-event savvy, post-modern and in the moment
I find people who claim to have all the right answers,
and I ask them all the wrong questions.

I fidget with widgets, I'm network neutral,
and I overcome knowledge gaps with Digerati apps.
I’m open source, locally active,
and my digital rights cannot be managed.

I only overachieve when I'm undervalued, and I found a new low on the high ground.
I see the upside to insanity and I never downgrade outrageousness.
At the present, I'm in the mood, in the know, in the groove and in the zone.
But in the end, I'm out of time, out of luck, out of sight and out of mind.

I'm politically incorrect, indifferent and inconsequential
I'm too hip to be Right Wing, I'm too square to be Left Wing,
Yet I'm not centrist or reformist.
I stay above the fray, unless you pay me under the table.

But I won't negotiate my morals.
I won't facilitate your agenda.
I won't regurgitate your talking points.
And I won't stimulate your economy.

I've resolved to reject reprehensible remarks that reinforce regressive restraint.
I encase my database and embrace the pace of the race so I can showcase grace in cyberspace
I have misgivings about misguided misinformation from misogynists that misleads the miserable misanthropes,
And I like pie. Mmm! Sweet delicious pie!
Pecan and Blueberry,
Key Lime and Blackberry,
Pie is the opiate of the fat asses.

I'm cool as a cucumber even when I'm hot under the collar.
I sort through the fables, I fight off the labels.
I reject all denominations - especially non-denominational -
and I find mass hysteria to be uniquely hysterical.
So relax, because I'm swine flu-free... ladies

I find that new-age online communities promote old-school off-putting segregation.
I have no book on Facebook,
and I only SuperPoke when I can't reach out and touch someone
I have no space on MySpace,
and all my Top Friends are bottom feeders
I only Twitter when I'm bitter,
I can be long-winded in only 140 characters,
and I'm shut out by employers on LinkedIn.

I'm sensing, judging, thinking and feeling.
I'm melancholic yet sanguine.
My intuitive perception makes me openly agreeable,
and I'm an ENFJ whose conscientiously neurotic.

I'm honest with my Ethos
I emote with my Pathos
I'm logical with my Logos
And my inner child plays with my Legos

I've learned to fake authenticity because I'm humbly pretentious.
Yet, I'm purposefully indifferent and predestined to have free will.
I'm ashamed of my pride because I'm proud of my shame.
I'm industrially idle, ambitiously content and I'm a lazy perfectionist.

So, who am I? My name is Matt.
I'm simply complex. It's as straightforward as that.

Dear Mr. President

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 08:42:00 +0000

Hey everyone,

A new campaign from Refresh Everything called "Dear Mr. President" has emerged where people make videos expressing their ~~orgasmic delight~~ well-reasoned enthusiasm for Barack Obama's election and to tell him their hopes and dreams at the dawn of his presidency. Celebrities such as Keenan Thompson, Lady Gaga, Will.I.Am and Jeff Gordon as well as other normal folk who had nothing better expressed their points with profound incoherence, shameless self-promotion and drivel. My personal favorite was: "I love NASA! I want to go to the moon!." Hopefully, this will become part of Obama's quest to help the Autobots defeat the Deceptions.

Well, I though to myself,"I can get on the Hope and Change Express! I'll make my own video." Then, I had a realization: President Obama is going to do exactly whatever it was he was going to do before he watched my video. Wait, he wasn't going to watch it, nor is he going to watch any of those videos on refresheverything.com. Why? First, he's the President, and I hope he's too busy now. Second, Refresh Everything is actually a campaign by Pepsi, who is simply the latest company to figure out that putting "Obama" on a product makes it fly of the shelves like toilet paper during a snowstorm. Pepsi does not need my help selling their product. So, I decided to give some of people who probably have an actual message for Obama the opportunity for an audience:

Bill Clinton: Hi, Mr. President! It's me, Slick Willy! Just letting you know that, even though your campaign labeled me as a racist so you could beat my wife, there are no hard feelings. Just remember, as you sit in your chair in the Oval Office, that was the same chair I sat in. *wink*

Time Magazine: Barry! Can I still call you Barry? Hey, listen. Times are tough, and people only buy our magazines when we put you on the cover. So can you send us a picture of you with the new puppy? Thanks!

Sarah Palin: I want a rematch! And like the moose of the Cushing Plateau, you're going down! You betcha!

Chris Matthews: Don't stop speaking. I like that feeling that goes up my leg. Reminds me of climbing the rope in gym class. Also, sex.

Oprah: It was my pleasure to campaign for you. You can repay in me in sequestered, unmarked cheesecakes.

Well, I'm glad to give these people a voice. Because if we are going to send Washington a message, it might as well be from someone they'll actually listen to. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that person is on the moon.

Hope you enjoyed,
Matt Morrison

Faith and the Michael Jackson Adventures

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 06:55:00 +0000

Hey everyone,

Every year during the holidays, I am reminded of the most bizarre Christmas card I've ever received. The card read – quote - "Wishing you a happy Christmas holiday and a successful and joyful New Year's Celebration. May it be filled with love and peace and many new exciting Michael Jackson adventures." I was startled! Under no circumstances do I want to go on any Michael Jackson adventures. In fact, I believe that is my permanent New Year's Resolution - "this year, I resolve to not go on any Michael Jackson adventures." The worst part of this card is that it wishes me new exciting Michael Jackson adventures, implying that I already have gone on several exciting Michael Jackson adventures. Imagine the shame my mother would feel! “Matthew has been on Michael Jackson adventures? I HAVE NO SON!”

This card came from Tanja Kovac, the president of the Micheal Jackson Slovenian Fan Club, whom I interviewed during Jackson's trial. I happened upon her website while she was organizing worldwide protests of his treatment by Martin Bashir in their infamous interview. At the time, I would go to basketball games with a giant poster of his mug shot with the phrase “wanna be like Mike?” on it. (Have you ever seen 4,000 people recoil in horror? I have!) So I'll admit that I thought her protest and website was quite silly. But I was struck at the time by her deep faith that Michael was innocent in the face of overwhelming public condemnation. As it turns out, her faith was rewarded with his acquittal

It's interesting how weird someone's faith appears when it isn't our own. To outsiders, the resurrection of Jesus is hogwash. Others might find it ridiculous that Muslims believe Muhammad split the moon in half, or that Scientologists claim Xenu brought humans to Earth on 'something resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners.' I think about this every time I hear about “The Christmas Wars.” Every year, people of different faiths yell at each other about how profoundly wrong their belief system is. People need to have the word Christmas put up/taken down from retail store signs, as if the fate of the universe depends on whether Wal-Mart has a 'Christmas' or 'Holiday' sale.

If there is one thing that I've figure out, it's that I know nothing about the universe. What's the meaning of life? What happens after we die? I have no idea. And every time I think I've got something figured out, life has a way of reminding me how little I know. And you know just as little as I do. Don't get me wrong, people certainly have deeply-held beliefs and would argue that [insert their beliefs here] answers life's most profound questions. But we don't know.

Think of it like going up the first peak on a roller coaster. Right before the coaster goes down, there is that split second where you are near the top and can't see where the roller coaster goes next. It's like staring into oblivion. I find life to be similar in that we have no idea what is on the other side of that peak. We are strapped in and there is nothing we can do about it. And that last split second is the last moment of life, where we are about to embark on the great unknown. I find some people are so afraid of this moment that they would rather attack the ideologies of others and wrap themselves in a warm blanket of delusion than face that last split second of doubt.

This is why some people feel the need to put a giant sign across the street from a nativity scene saying there are no angels or God. Or why others stand on the street and yell at passersby about Jesus, even though Jesus specifically said those people are 'hypocrites.' And I think their missing the point. My friend Steve put it best: “people think faith is a series of actions that get you a reward. Faith simply is.” No matter who or what created the universe, the fact remains that we don't know the how or why behind existence. If there is a God, there certainly is a motivation behind this. And part of faith is the realization that I can do nothing about this. I don't make the rules.

In the end, we all want our faith to be rewarded. The holidays should be about how blessed we are to be alive, not a quest to condemn the beliefs of others. Which is why for some, the holidays is the time to reflect on the birth of Jesus, the miracle of Hanukkah or whatever it is Kwanzaa is about. And to Tanja Kovac, the holidays mean new and exciting Michael Jackson adventures. The afterlife could be one giant Michael Jackson adventure. What do I know?

Hope you enjoyed,
Matt Morrison

Random Thoughts on a Monday - 1/5/2009

MatthewAMorrison@gmail.com (Matt Morrison) — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 06:55:00 +0000

Hey everyone,

* I saw one of those open air preachers who goes loves to yell at people, but he had a creative shtick! He asked people to pick out a Bible verse, and he would read it out loud. So I asked him to read Matthew 6:5. He failed to see the irony as he went up to some people and yelled, "And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full." The moral of the story? Sometimes, proclaiming your religion isn't always enough. Occasionally, you should try to understand it.

* Burger King started selling The Angry Whopper. We need to tell the Whopper to calm down! First, the Whopper had to go around the world deflowering Whopper Virgins, and now it has to get an attitude. Between the Angry Whopper and the creepy Burger King, somebody at BK headquarters is going to snap and go postal. There is only so much insanity one can take.

(By the way, I'm not sure what I think of the Whopper Virgins commercial. On one hand, I don't really care if somebody who never ate a burger before preferred a Whopper to a Big Mac. What if I preferred the Big Mac? Was that supposed to change my mind? If I was having a crisis about which burger I preferred, would this push me toward the Whopper? And what if this finally helped me choose? Would this solve some deep crisis in my life? On the other hand, it is creative and we all want to be remembered as the person who created something the world has never seen. Some people develop the cure for polio. Others make great philosophical proclamations. And then there is the guy who came up the Whopper Virgins.)

* I was talking to this girl, and she said, "I have a problem with peeing in trash cans." Well, let's start a foundation with Angelina Jolie as our spokesperson. Let's get some celebrities together and do a charity song (Pee Aid?) Then, we'll donate money to help all the drunkards of the world who just can't help but pee in trash cans.

* I was talking to a different girl who lamented the fact that Victoria Secret's underwear is too revealing. I figure this is an opportunity for a businessman to start a new chain of underwear chains that reveal nothing. Granny panties, chastity belts, mu-mus... You could even call it "Gertrude's Secret."

* In Seattle, I saw a road sign that said, "Blood Alcohol Level .08" Does this mean I can get more drunk in different areas? "Chug away, this is a BAL 0.10 zone! But make sure you drink plenty of water before getting on Rt. 25, because that's a BAL 0.06 zone." What a dumb sign.

* You know those sideline Coors Light commercials with Brian Billick? I want to see them do this with Art Shell. He would stare blankly out on the field as the Coors Light guys said, "Hey Art, Al Davis just stole your Coors Light to take back to his lagoon."

Hope you enjoyed,
Matt Morrison