Learner, Reader, Writer

University Matt: A Bit About Me

2013-08-22T23:52:00.001+01:00

I've started a new blog in which I will post about my experiences going through university. Here's the first post:

University Matt: A Bit About Me

Thanks
Matt

Writer of the Fortnight and Hiatus

2013-03-07T18:02:00.000+00:00

Welcome to Writer of the Fortnight. I know technically it has been more than a fortnight, but oh well. This is also going to be my last post for the foreseeable future. After receiving my exam results today, I have decided to cut back on a lot of things, and seeing as this blog doesn't get many views, it makes sense to stop posting and focus on my studies. Perhaps I'll start it up again during the Summer Holidays, I don't know.

This fortnight's award goes to a writer I have mentioned before. Her dark tales and sharp wit make her stories and poems horrifically enjoyable reads. She has many short stories published and has recently written one aimed at young adults. As she intends to publish this too, I won't post a snippet, but here is the link to it in her portfolio.

It is, of course, Kat Hawthorne:

I may not be able to post a snippet of the story, but I will post an excerpt from her poem, The Cuckoo Clock (with cuckoo missing):

It hangs behind the nightstand yonder, lost amongst the work I ponder,Tickless cogs left long forgotten, its voice mismatched and now uncertain Muted chimes which thump asunder are nothing but a twitching blunderIt measures not the time nor hour, its eyeless face drawn and dour The cuckoo clock with cuckoo missing‘d long lost track of faithless hoursLost amongst the work I scour.

This poem was entered into a contest (not yet judged) to write a poem to feature on the front of the CSFS's dark fantasy forum, The Grind. The poem had to draw influence from Edgar Allen Poe's, The Raven. I think it does so very well and with a hint of dark humour.

Thanks
Matt Bird

Quill Award

2013-03-03T18:13:00.000+00:00

Just a quick post today. Hopefully, I'll be more active in the coming weeks.

Last night I 'attended' an awards ceremony online at writing.com called The Quill Awards. There are loads of awards to be won for all the genres, writing types, etc... available on WDC.

My group, The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society, won one of them. Best Fantasy/Sci-fi 2012!

I am thrilled that the CSFS has been honoured in this way, especially as it was a public vote and against such fantastic contestants.

Thanks
Matt B

What is Newton's Second Law?

2013-02-16T14:06:00.002+00:00

Science for Writers: Newton's Second Law
'Apple on books' from stockvault.net. Science for Writers Logo and text created by me.

Welcome to the latest Science for Writers post. Last time we discussed Newton's First Law. In this, the second of a three part mini-series, I will explain Newton's Second Law of motion.

I have put important words in bold. These words are important in physics and I will refer to them throughout the post. It isn't overly important for you to know the exact meaning, so long as you get the gist of what I'm talking about you will be fine following this post.

Writing Links are in italics and these discuss how the science could be used in writing.

What does it state?

Newton wrote in his book, Principa:

Law II: The alteration of motion is ever proportional to the motive force impressed; and is made in the direction of the right line in which that force is impressed

Lets break it down before going further:

Alteration, means change.
To motion is movement.
Proportional means a change in the first thing causes a change in the second.
A motive force is what makes something move
The right line means the direction in which the movement is happening
Impressed means acting on the object

Now we've split it up, it is easier to understand. In actuality it is just a wordy way of saying, 'the amount an object's motion changes is equal to the force making it change'.

As with all good laws in physics there is an equation to go with it.

Vocab Builder: K

2013-02-07T19:05:00.002+00:00

Vocab Builder: K
Logo by me (my best, personally ... hence the size)

Welcome to the eleventh of the Vocab Builder series. Last time we covered the letter J. This week, for those not following the pattern, we will look at the letter K.

A strong vocabulary allows you to select the precise word for what your trying to say.Whether you're trying to implement a kanban system in your company or keelhaul a kibitzer, or even offering a king's ransom whilst kvelling over your recent success in a bank heist, you need a strong vocabulary.

It has been commented that it is all very well knowing these words but one mustn't show off vocabulary for the sake of it. Remember if you want to use these words make sure you are using them correctly and because they are the right word for the job. Let's start:

kanban

noun

Meaning: just-in-time manufacturing/delivery strategy

Sentence: The orcs weren't known for their organisation, so when the elves took over they implemented a kanban in all the major manufacturing chains

Origin: Japanese. 看板 (pronounced kanban) means 'billboard' in Japanese. Toyota first developed the technique

Writer of the Fortnight

2013-02-05T20:55:00.000+00:00

Welcome to the second Writer of the Fortnight (plus a day). Last time I gave the award to O. G. Patterson. As before, this time the award goes to a member of Writing.com - a fantastic site for all aspiring (and in some cases published) authors.

The award this fortnight goes to an writer who has supported me on the site from very early on. She is very insightful when it comes to writing, and not just in technical areas. She always looks at the story being told and the characters telling it far more than comma usage and is always full of suggestions for how to improve and enhance a story whilst keeping the author's voice in tact.

The recipient of the Writer of the Fortnight award this time is Amanda Willcox. Specifically for her tale The Halls of Neptune.

Writer of the fortnight - A. E. Willcox
Original image from boundbytheword.wordpress.com, edited by me

The Halls of Neptune really shines in its voice. That of an ex-captain telling his tale. Here is the opening paragraph:

What is Newton's First Law?

2013-02-03T17:04:00.000+00:00

Science for Writers: Newton's First Law
'Apple on books' from stockvault.net. Science for Writers Logo and text created by me.

Welcome to the latest Science for Writers post. Last time we discussed storing data in DNA. In this, the first of a three part mini-series, I will explain Newton's First Law of motion.

I have put important words in bold. These words are important in physics and I will refer to them throughout the post. It isn't overly important for you to know the exact meaning, so long as you get the gist of what I'm talking about you will be fine following this post.

Writing Links are in italics and these discuss how the science could be used in writing.

What does it state?

Newton wrote in his book, Principa:

Law I: Every body persists in its state of being at rest or of moving uniformly straight forward, except insofar as it is compelled to change its state by force impressed.

Lets break it down before going further:

A body, is an object. An apple is a body. A car is a body. You are a body.
To persist means 'to continue'.
A state is the condition something is in.
Rest means not moving. Being in a state of rest means the body is not moving.
Uniform means constant. Being in the state of uniform motion means moving in a straight line at a constant velocity (for now just think of velocity as speed).
Change means to do something different to what it is currently doing.
A force makes a body do something.
Impressed is just a fancy way of saying that the force acts on the body.

Now we've split it up, it is easier to understand. In actuality it is just a wordy way of saying, 'Every object continues what it is doing until a force acts on it that makes it change.'

As with all good laws in physics there is an equation to go with it:

Vocab Builder: J

2013-01-31T21:58:00.000+00:00

Vocab Builder: J. Image logo created by me.

Welcome to the tenth of the Vocab Builder series. Last time we covered the letter I. This week, for those not following the pattern, we will look at the letter J.

A strong vocabulary allows you to select the precise word for what your trying to say.Whether you make jardinières, or are a jeunesse dorée you should have a strong vocabulary suited to your situation.

jardinière

noun

Meaning: an ornamental stand for flowers
or a garnish made of cooked pieced vegetables used for meat

Sentence: The orcs may be a feared race, but they were partial to jardinières on their human meat stew.

Origin: Old French. Jardin means garden, jardinière means female gardener

Beta Testing

2013-01-27T20:32:00.000+00:00

I was lucky enough to receive a key for the Closed Simcity Beta on Saturday. Whilst this beta only allows you to play 1 hour at a time and it ends tomorrow, it did make me think about how we as writers can test our ideas.

All betas need beta testers. In games they are gamers, in writing they are readers and reviewers.

So what are the purposes of the Simcity beta test and how do they relate to writing?

Simcity Closed Beta Cover
Image from bearvilleinsider.com

Server Stress Testing

For a game like the new Simcity making sure the servers can handle all the users (as it is an online only game). Server stress testing essentially checks how many users a server can handle before it buckles. The Maxis team would then know how to configure the real game servers when it is officially released.

For writers we can liken stress testing to character limit testing. How many characters can a single scene, or indeed the whole story, handle before the reader buckles and says 'I can't handle this many characters!'

If a reader says they are confused, it may be that you have too many characters. Look at each of your characters and work out if they are strictly necessary. If not then you might want to consider cutting them.

Performance

Can you store data in DNA?

2013-01-26T19:49:00.000+00:00

Welcome to the latest Science for Writers post. Last time we discussed the a variety of topics in The Top 4 Questions you Never Knew you Wanted to Ask. In this post I will be investigating a piece of cutting edge technology that could revolutionise data storage this century. Even if it doesn't, it can certainly make a massive impact in your science fiction stories.

I have put important words in bold. These words are important in science and I will refer to them throughout the post. It isn't overly important for you to know the exact meaning, so long as you get the gist of what I'm talking about you will be fine following this post.

Writing Links are in italics and these discuss how the science could be used in writing.

What is DNA?

DNA
Image from astrochem.org

DNA stands for deoxyribonucleic acid. It is a double helix that is essentially the genetic instructions that everything in a living organism follows.

Each 'rung' on this ladder like structure consists of two nucleobases. These bases are parts of the genetic code. There are a total of 4 bases that can appear in a DNA molecule: Adenine, Thymine, Cytosine, and Guanine.

There are specific rules to how these bases can combine. A can only connect with T, and C can only connect with G. Each base pair is made up of one of those pairings. A is connected to T by 2 Hydrogen Bonds (that is connected by the Hydrogen atoms in their structure), and C is connected to G by 3 Hydrogen Bonds.

But, DNA is more than just 4 types of bases. Each base is also part of what is known as a Nucleotide. A Nucleotide consists of a Phosphate group, a sugar with 5 Carbon atoms (called deoxyribose) and the base (A, T, C, or G). The Phosphate group connects to the sugar of another Nucleotide, and one side of the ladder is formed. The other side is formed in exactly the same way. Both sides are then connected to each other by the Hydrogen Bonds between bases I mentioned earlier.

Writing Link: If DNA is what codes for everything in our bodies, imagine the power a villain would

Review of: The Well of Ascension (Mistborn book 2) by Brandon Sanderson

2013-01-25T21:03:00.000+00:00

The Well of Ascension cover art

This review is long overdue. I actually finished reading the book a few days before Christmas, but exams and such prevented me from writing this review.

This review may contain spoilers of the previous book, but I endeavour not to spoil any of this book.

As in The Final Empire, Brandon Sanderson has done an excellent job on pretty much all fronts with this book. The characters are very well developed, and despite the relatively large cast, I felt enough time was devoted to each one to warrant an emotional attachment. Character is, in my opinion, the overwhelming theme of the books so far. Each character changes throughout the book and a lot of the changes shocked me.

I don't want to give anything away in this review, but for the majority of the book I had no idea who the traitor was. I had inklings, but all were wrong. Only in the chapter where the traitor was revealed did I actually guess correctly. Looking back I realise Sanderson had littered the entire book with hints about the traitor. By revealing little bits of character information for all the characters and making sure some of these were contradictory, he manges to maintain suspense and make the process of working out the traitor very effective.

The book very usefully has a summary of book 1 in the back. As I left a couple of weeks between ending book 1 and starting book 2 I found this very helpful in getting back up to speed. There are also useful charts for all the allomantic and feruchemical metals featured in the book. Additionally there is a glossary of some of

The Man Booker International Prize

2013-01-24T21:47:00.000+00:00

Books

The Man Booker International Prize is a prize given out biannually to a writer who has contributed to fiction in a major way. Typically it is awarded to an author with a large catalogue of quality fiction. It is not limited to just novelists, writers of short stories are also entered, though I believe it is mainly novelists who win. Also it is required the nominees write or have been translated in English.

The short-list for this 2013's prize is as follows:

U R Ananthamurthy

Born December 21st 1932
India
Best known for the novel Samskara (1966) about culture and cultural survival
Portfolio consists of 5 novels, 1 play, eight short-story collections, 3 poetry collections, and 8 essay collections

Aharon Applefeld

Born February 16th 1932
Ukraine
Best known for Badenheim, 1939 (1997) about disability
Described as a 'displaced writer of displaced fiction, who has made displacement and disorientation a subject uniquely his own.' (New York Times, 1988)

Lydia Davis

Vocab Builder: I

2013-01-23T20:14:00.001+00:00

Vocab Builder: I. Image logo created by me.

Welcome to the ninth of the Vocab Builder series. Last time we covered the letter H. This week, for those not following the pattern, we will look at the letter I.

A strong vocabulary allows you to select the precise word for what your trying to say.Whether you're an inimical person with insouciance who is irrefragably ineffable, or live in indigence who's intransigent, you should have a strong vocabulary suited to your situation.

indigence

noun

Meaning: severe poverty

Sentence: The elves were driven to indigence by the orc overlord.

Origin: Latin. Indigere means 'to need'.

Greetings, Harold

2013-01-22T20:53:00.002+00:00

My written exams are over. My Chemistry practical exam is complete. My Biology practical (ISA) is tomorrow and the written part of the practical element on January the 29th. However, my ISA preparations are going well, so I still have time to blog today. Most of the prep is in lesson time anyway.

Tomorrow I am going to start on The Magician's Tattoo properly again. In the latter part of 2012 I essentially deleted everything and started again. Three chapters have been written so far, and I hope to get chapter four completed this month and at least one chapter a month.

Image from maxfarquar.com

A few days into 2013, I started thinking about my characters. One thing that I couldn't get passed was Kwaad's name. As the novel isn't very long at the moment anyone who has read it won't notice the issue with his name, but I do. After all, I have done world building for the novel and so I'd hope I'd spot discrepancies within the world I created.

Every magician in the The Magician's Tattoo has a normal name. There is a little bit of comedy in the opening chapter when it is revealed the eccentric 'magic man' in the purple dressing gown is called Brian. However, despite this comedy, normal names are common in the magical world. They have different cultures to normal people (which will be developed later in the novel) but not so drastic that names are different. The normal people and magician populations developed along side each other. The only major difference is that magician's are magic and so have developed a religion (or religions on the world wide scale) based on how they get magic. But because they developed together their naming conventions aren't going to be too different.

Writer of the Fortnight

2013-01-21T18:27:00.000+00:00

Welcome to the first of what I hope to be a fortnightly (who'd've guessed) Writer of the Fortnight. On Writing.com there are many great writers, and I enjoy reading much of the brilliant work people post on there. As part of my fantasy writing group there is a contest titled Magic Words where entrants are tasked with writing a short story that includes all five words from one of two lists of words. The contest isn't ran by me, but I help judge it.

The winner of the last round chose the word list with Symbiotic, Ring, Halcyon, Penumbra, and Diffuse. His tale was one with a gripping plot and disturbing protagonist, plagued with lifestyle dictated by a mystical living ring. The ring wants nothing other than to survive, but to do this will lead its master to commit terrible, murderous deeds.

So, I would like to award Writer of the Fortnight to O. G. Patterson (Sir Various) for writing Crux of Madness.

Writer of the fortnight - Sir Various
Original image from boundbytheword.wordpress.com, edited by me

You can follow Patterson's blog at orensrealm.com.

To entice you to read the story, here's the opening paragraph:

The Physics Wall

2013-01-18T21:37:00.001+00:00

I had intended to write this yesterday (Thursday). But my exams finished on Wednesday so I din't have time. Yes, you read that right, my exams finished before I intended to post and yet I didn't have time. It is a funny time, post-exam period. All throughout the intense revision pre-exams and during exams you think about what you'll do once your exams are over. Then they finish and you find yourself bogged down doing a whole load of nothing in particular. Every little thing takes time and the time between each little thing takes even more time. Essentially I've been busy being not busy.

Anyway, I said I would post about my Physics Wall, just like I did with Biology and Chemistry. So, before I find more nothing to do, I better show it to you all:

The equations are all arranged so that they follow a logical pattern. For example you can derive any of the formulae on the top row using the other 3 on that row. The top two rows are for circular motion and gravitational fields. As they are so connected, I mixed the formulas together. The third row is for oscillations. One the fourth row are equations for Thermal Physics and Ideal Gasses. Any chemist will notice that those 4 sheets are very much chemistry related. In fact the last one on that row is also used in AS Chemistry. The bottom row follows on from Thermal and Ideal, but covers the concepts rather than the equations. The larger table is about the Assumptions of the Kinetic Theory of Gasses, for example.

I found the Physics exam hard, but manageable. It is one of those which I simply can't call. I also retook Chemistry Unit 2 (an AS unit) on Wednesday, and thought it went really well.

The eagle eyed amongst you may have noticed I have 3 periodic tables ... all on the same wall. The top one which is mostly cut off has the most detail. The one on the pin-board is from the University of Warwick. It doesn't include the names, rather just the symbols (which for me isn't a problem as when I'm bored I see how far I can get without checking). The bottom one is a pull out from the Theodore Gray - The Elements wall calendar (not shown) and has picture for all the elements (some just show the discoverer or crest of the university it was discovered at).

Now, for those who live under a rock, it has been snowing a bit. Here's a picture of my dog, Toby, in the nearby park (not taken by me):

I feel it is important for me to express my personal dislike for dog-clothing. Mother Nature clothed them for us. Granted it is cold and I will make an exception this time - but anybody who puts a hat and gloves on their dog is barking mad (sorry, I couldn't resist) and should be ashamed!

Thanks
Matt B

Chemistry Exam

2013-01-13T22:00:00.001+00:00

Tomorrow's exam is the most important exam for me. True, Biology was important, but to get into Nottingham I require an A in Chemistry and if I screw this one up, it could well be a deal breaker. Last time my 'Chemistry Wall' consisted of a few posters above my window (you'll see those in another post as I am retaking my Chemistry Unit 2 AS exam). This time around, I have pulled out all the stops and made the Chemistry Wall actually take up a full wall:

There's almost everything for the exam on that wall. Loads on organic chemistry at the top and stuff on rate, entropy, and constants middle to bottom. There aren't any posters on pH as the equations for those I quite easily remember - for pH questions it's working out what the question's asking that's difficult and no amount of posters helps with that problem!

On the wall with the window you can see some AS Chemistry posters, but most of those are new.

Yes, that is a clock in the shape of a conical flask. I made it in High School in year 8 or 9. I was into Chemistry then, and I still am now.

I have also made an adjustment to my New Year's Resolution. I hope to write 52 posts this year. I am posting more regularly and so should meet the target even if the number diminishes in the latter part of 2013.

Thanks
Matt B

Biology Exam

2013-01-11T20:02:00.003+00:00

I sat my first exam of my exam period today. AQA Biology Unit 4 (A2). In my opinion, it wasn't that bad. There was only one question on water potential (an AS concept which I'd forgotten about) I wasn't expecting and it was only worth 2 marks.

One thing I have noticed is that those who found the exam hard or unfair are more vocal than those who thought the paper was, on the whole, reasonable. Remember people who don't have a problem aren't going to rush to their computers to complain. So, if you didn't take the exam you may get the impression online that people thought it was a really unfair paper. It wasn't. The paper tested the majority of the specification.

Those who do vocalise about the unjustness of AQA produce funny videos like this:

To be honest the 2010 paper was weird and I would've been annoyed at the randomness, though it wasn't too difficult a paper, and I got a good mark when I did it as a past paper.

One thing common amongst the majority of students is they like to know how each other revise. So, I guess I could add in my methods. I read the text book and do past exam papers. Whilst reading the text book I make posters that I stick on my wall and then talk myself through them at random times in the day. Some may think this is excessive but it seems to be working thus far:

If you are interested the image top left with the tree is the Carbon Cycle, beneath that is the Nitrogen Cycle. Then the top row of diagrams shows respiration. The first one is anaerobic, and although in reality follows Glycolysis (the second image on that row) it is far easier to understand traditional, aerobic respiration with it laid out like that. After Glycolysis is the Link Reaction (the big arrow) then the Krebs Cycle and finally the electron transport chain. On that row I made all the images except the anaerobic diagram.

The row beneath is photosynthesis starting with the Light Dependant Reaction, then the Calvin Cylce. The last image on that row is the Lollipop Experiment testing the Calvin cycle. I didn't make the diagram for the Lollipop experiment.

And the bottom row is a mix of stuff. The first being the equations for the Hardy-Weinberg Principle in genetics. Then is the equation and information for the Mark-Release-Recapture mehod. The final graphs/charts are for populations (population growth curve, population pyramids, demographic transition model).

I do posters like these for Physics and Chemistry too. I may upload images of those at some point if I get time.

Thanks
Matt B

2013 Resolutions

2013-01-01T20:18:00.004+00:00

2013 Image Courtesy of FutureSoBright

I got an email today from FutureMe.org reminding me of my 5 New Year resolutions I made at the start of 2012. The year was certainly an annus mirabilis with the Olympics and jubilee, but let's see if it was on a personal level for me:

Write 52 blog posts

I wrote 53 in 2012 so I did that one! Not much else to say here, really.

Write More than in 2011

I may not have stuck with my writing a proper article every month, but I think I made up for it with the greater amount of blog posts. Vocab Builder and Science for Writers certainly upped the number of words I wrote in 2012. I also wrote a short story for a contest, a Halloween story, and a Christmas story. However, I went backwards with my novel. I completely rewrote what little I already had and now have only 3 chapters. All in all I think I matched my writing output of 2011 and perhaps beat it. I know it's not less, but I can't conclusively decide if I succeeded here.

Revise more than 2011

I revised for the January AS exams more than I did for the GCSE exams so I succeed on that front. However, I did become complacent with my revision for the AS summer exams. But, December was a major revision month and I definitely have beaten this resolution.

Happy New Year

2013-01-01T00:00:00.000+00:00

Happy New Year!

It's 2013!

Thanks
Matt

When Snow Falls

2012-12-27T15:08:00.002+00:00

When Snow Falls - Background Image courtesy of SummitCountyVoice, text and snow added by me

Joe shivered as he entered through the doorway. Not only was the morning freezing cold outside, but also his wife waited for him inside. He knew she’d care not that he’d broken the world record of most letters delivered in an hour. He knew this from her posture: sitting upright on her hardback chair meant she was annoyed. Her gaunt face tightened as Joe approached her.

“Good morning,” he said. “It’s Christmas tomorrow.”

She slowly rose from her chair, her heels putting her many inches higher than Joe’s already small being. She looked at her hand, as if contemplating its capabilities. Her long black nails caressed her palm as she flexed her fingers. Joe knew what was coming. His wife’s eyes squinted, signalling she had worked out her hand’s capability and that she was willing to show it off. She smacked it around his face; the nails left stinging scratches that no doubt shone red against his cold skin.

“Do not say that again,” she spat.

“I’m sorry, ma’am.”

“Very good. Now, be a good husband and get my breakfast; I am growing hungrier by the minute. You should have been back ten minutes ago.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am.” He hurried off to the kitchen, his feet shuffling along the stone floor she had been so insistent on having. Opening the fridge, he welcomed the cool air on his burning scars. There were no eggs. He felt her moist breath on his neck.

“Why are there no eggs?” She asked.

“I’m sorry, ma’am.”

“You insolent man. Why I put up with you as a husband is beyond me! No eggs. Has it escaped your memory that I have eggs for breakfast every fourth Monday of every month? Perhaps that ginger hair of yours blocks intelligence. You are a despicable being.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am.”

She shook her head. “Why are you still here? Why aren’t you buying eggs?”

“I’m sorry ma’am.”

He hadn’t even taken a full step before she spoke again. “Are you forgetting something?”

“I’m sorry ma’am.” He bent down and kissed her feet. Twice on the right, once on the left. She waved a hand signalling he was ‘free’ to go.

Inspiration

2012-12-23T16:32:00.005+00:00

Last December I wrote about how Christmas is Inspiring. In the article, I covered how to use Christmas to your advantage: using the ready-made character sets and letting yourself loose with a fun, quirky story. This year I’m going to discuss inspiration again, but this time specifically focus on how I generate ideas. This list won’t work for everyone. Some people won’t find the same things inspirational as I do. I will describe my top three techniques to generate ideas. Bear in mind that you will have to take on the role of some unusual characters.

Toilet based inspiration
Image courtesy of Behance.net

Character 1: The Faux-eco-nutter
Next time you go to the toilet at night, don’t turn the bathroom light on. People around you will think you an eco-nutter, but really you’re not trying to save the environment (I guess that just leaves nutter, then). Whilst you relieve yourself of urine and faeces, let your mind wander. Direct it down paths your characters could take, but then twist it at the last moment. The reason you do this in the dark is that images form in your mind much easier without glaring lights.
This technique is fantastic for generating fantasy fight ideas. If you go in knowing you want a fight, turn the lights off, sit on the bog and let rip (with ideas, of course). If you are anything like me, you will get fight scenes popping into your head a rate of ten a second. If any idea lingers, let it. Toy with it. Remember you are in the dark, nobody will see if you start waving your hands around to manipulate the scene unfolding in front of you.
Once you’ve finished you excretion get up, wipe, and flush. Then whilst washing your hands (still in the dark) you can finalise your concept. Work out who wins, and, equally importantly, who starts the fight. Now, with your bowels emptied and your hands cleansed you may leave the bathroom, no doubt to the concerned eyes of your co-habitants.

Character 2: The Virtuoso
This one isn’t quite as mad as the first character, but if you get into it, your hands start conducting and well...

This is Awkward

2012-12-22T16:42:00.002+00:00

Background Image courtesy of prisonplanet - Text added by me

Well, this is awkward.

The world didn't end yesterday--and I was so sure it would. It rained a bit where I live. Granted it rained more on Thursday, but I can assure you there was water falling from the sky yesterday.

Fine, I got it wrong. Congratulations, you can laugh in the face of the fools.

And so can I! Yes, I am laughing at you - the person who doesn't understand satire and genuinely thought I believed the world was going to end. Yeah, that will do as a cover up: my post on Thursday was 'Satire'.

But, I can assure you above all possible doubt that the world will end on May the 19th 2013 as Ronald Weinland predicted. I know he was wrong on his 2011 and 2012 predictions of this event, but I am sure Jesus Christ will return. I don't know how that will end the world, perhaps he'll bring an army of other mythical beings like dragons and perhaps an alien or two!

Oh, and here's your fish back...

Matt B

The End is Nigh!

2012-12-20T21:08:00.002+00:00

Background Image courtesy of prisonplanet - Text added by me

Have you built your underground bunker? No? You idiot! Did you not know the world is ending tomorrow?

I suppose the fact that you haven't built a bunker means I won't have to compete with you for food and other resources when I cautiously leave my bunker after the worst is over. Of course, I doubt very much anybody hasn't put serious thought and consideration into their end-of-the-world plans.

Some silly people don't believe the world will end. Those ignorant people are thinking about supposedly more important things like Christmas and the New Year. Why would you be as daft to buy Christmas presents when you should be spending your money on survival kits such as this:

Survival Kit
Image courtesy of The Die Line

Those of us with the forethought to prepare for this major world event are well aware that their are naysayers who contradict the prospect of an apocalypse tomorrow. But we know more than they do. We know that Nibiru will collide with the Earth and that it is no mere coincidence that the 13th b'ak'tun of the Maya Calendar ends this day. Sure the modern Mayan civilisations still around today say it is just the end of a cycle and that it will start a fresh. But what do they know. It's not like they have unfounded science on their side like we do. We know the end is coming tomorrow and I laugh in the face of those who seriously believe we will see the 22nd.

I can assure you that we do not have some silly prediction that Christ is is returning to Earth to destroy the Antichrist as was predicted on the 27th May 2012, 29th September 2011, 6th April 2000, 1901, 7th August 1847, 31st December 1843, 1700, 1694, 1033, 500, 2, and year 1 . We aren't stupid enough to say an alien will destroy the Earth as was predicted in May 2003 and August 1967. Don't be daft! We have strong evidence from an unknown unreliable source that an asteroid/inter-planetary object will 100% collide with the Earth tomorrow. I don't know what all the idiots who have predicted the world will end further in the future are thinking. It is clearly going to end tomorrow.

If you are one of those who don't believe the world is going to end, then you're going to look like one almighty silly-billy tomorrow as the world crashes down around you and I'm safe in my DIY bunker a few feet underground. Who's going to be the fool then, hey?

If some miracle occurs and Nibiru doesn't collide with us then I guarantee you that Aliens will attack (but not in the silly way previously predicted - these will come with the cover of Nibiru) and/or Yellowstone Park's volcano will erupt and/or the magnetic poles of the Earth will switch (faster than the thousand's of years so called geologists say it'll take) and cause devastation and then the world will blow up or something.

This is likely my last ever blog post as a) I won't have internet connection after the world ends, b) I might be dead if my bunker doesn't hold out, c) the same points as a) and b) only in relation to you, the reader.

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Matt B

I'm Sorry, ma'am

2012-12-14T23:58:00.000+00:00

Long Black Nails
Image Courtesy of Kiss and Makeup

As regular readers of my blog will know, I am writing a Christmas Short Story at the moment. Now that I have solved my paradox with a little help from some friends, I have started writing it.

I wrote 230 words this evening which isn't bad as they are the opening 230 words. Normally I start off with small word counts for the first few days, reach 500 words a day in the middle and then write the last 1000 in a single sitting. With this in mind I should be able to finish before Christmas Eve with time to spare.

Today, I thought it would be nice to share these first 230 raw words with you. Remember they are highly likely to change, and I rarely share work this raw. But, I have decided to share it with you today so you can see my writing method. In these paragraphs I have focused mainly on the evil wife and Joe's submissiveness, but haven't yet got to fully describing his appearance.

Working Title: When Snow Falls

###

“Good morning,” he said. “It’s Christmas tomorrow.”

She slowly rose from her chair, her heels putting her many heads higher than Joe’s already small being. She looked at her hand, as if contemplating its abilities. Her long black nails caressed her palm as she flexed her fingers. Joe knew what was coming. His wife’s eyes squinted, signalling she had worked out her hand’s ability and that she was willing to show it off. She smacked it around his face; the nails left stinging scratches that no doubt shone red against his cold skin.

“Do not say that again,” she spat.

“I’m sorry, ma’am.”

“Very good. Now, be a good husband and get my breakfast; I am growing hungrier by the minute. You should have been back ten minutes ago.”

###

Feeling Christmassy yet? I don't think Joe's wife is!

Thanks

Matt B