Matthew The Astrologer

Valoween: A Very Pluto Valentine's Day

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 07:19:00 +0000

First, please read this bit of foolery from that other blog I do sometimes.

Now: there is absolutely nothing cuddly at all about today's Valentine's Day chart. If anything I think a lot of you out there, on one level or another, are likely to have a weird sense around today's traditional card and small gift/lack of card and/or lack of small gift (check whichever applies).

Maybe it's just Pluto, freshly into Capricorn. I've deliberately avoided reading anyone else's commentary on it, so forgive me if I've missed the consensus (if any) on the years we face ahead. I could say at this point "I think it has something to do with personal relationships" and that would be waaay too lame and vague. But I do think that is part of it, and I can't help but notice that on Valetine's Day today, Pluto stands on the threshold of new territory, with only a weak trine from Saturn to encourage it along.

Saturn, retrograde, in Virgo... grinding closer to the exact trine with Pluto. Picture an old man behind the wheel of a large car, backing into a tight parking space in a busy mall parking lot on Saturday. Kid's Day. And some of the kids are wearing explosives because it's also "International Revolutionary Appreciation Day" with the Sun and Neptune and the North Node all piled up in Aquarius.

You know something's gonna happen.

Besides... the bad days are just potholes on the road to where you're supposed to be... and that's probably a happier, saner place than you may have imagined. Maybe even today.

My Binge With Britney: One More Round Of Crazy As Pluto Leaves Sagittarius

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 01:22:00 +0000

(SCENE: The Rogue Celebrity Containment Facility in Los Alamos. BRITNEY SPEARS sits on the edge of her bed. On the couch next to it is MATTHEW THE ASTROLOGER, with a tape recorder running next to him)

M: I'm here to formally apologize to you, Ms. Spears.

B: Yeah. You know, I was kinda hurt by everything that has happened to me the last few months, but you failing to provide a proper warning about how the custody thing was gonna turn out with my kids.

M: Well, technically, it was you going off the rails afterwards that really blew the deal.

B: But you're an astrologer! You're supposed to see these things coming!

M: I can foresee the patterns... and I did. But I can't think for you. And I'm not perfect. Besides... for better or worse, you were just being yourself. And being yourself, loud and proud, is one of the things a Sag does best. It's why we were born when we were. I know this from personal experience. The others need us to... to...

B: Inspire them with our boundless leaps of faith?

M: I was thinking more along the lines of "serve as a warning." But I like your phrasing better. There's also a certain problem with objectivity. It can happen in any form of counselling. I like you. I think you're a really good person. I genuinely want the best for you. So maybe it blunted my assessment of the situation. Still, going over the stuff I said on my blog, I can still stand by my predictions. I just wish things were better for you. It's been crazy times for me too... believe me.

B: So when is this crap going to end for me? For us?

M: Never, because that's just the kind of people you and I are. But I like to think it'll settle down when Pluto leaves Sagittarius in a few days. My best friend, for example, has Sun and Moon in Sag, and she's up and marrying a guy in Australia she only met less than a month ago.

B: Wow. You mean... sometimes there's a lesson to be had in all this craziness?

M: Yup. Or so I like to think. Speaking of crazy, you know what I've been up to the last four or five months?

B: No, what?

(MATTHEW reaches over to stop the tape recorder)

(Twelve minutes later, recording re-starts)

M: ...So that's why I brought this bottle of Jack Daniels. I figure if I wasn't that much use to you or myself as an astrologer, we can at least commiserate.

B: I have Percocets to go with that!

M: Party on, Brit... party on. (pours the booze into two Styrofoam cups) My buddy's throwing a big party to mark her leaving the continent for good. You gonna come?

B: Will there be designated drivers?

M: A couple of Geminis have volunteered.

B: (Pauses to consider) I'm feeling lucky. Count me in! (pops open pill bottle) Cheers!

Astrologers Doing Business In A Manger

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 15:57:00 +0000

Scene: The Nativity. Caspar, Melchior, and Balthazar gather around the Christ Child. Mary and Joseph listen intently in the background.

Balthazar: ...my major concern with this birth chart is that it shows potential for conflict with authority figures. You might want to teach him to be a little more respectful of Caesar, just to be careful. At least publicly.

Caspar: Don't be silly. He's a revolutionary, and the world needs more of that. This Jupiter/Saturn configuration, though... could be liver trouble.

Melchior: Look at the stare on this kid. He probably has something we haven't even heard of yet, right on the Ascendant.

Caspar: (chuckling) You and your undiscovered planets, Melchior. Seriously.

Balthazar: I think what we're trying to say here , Mr. And Mrs...

(Looks back and forth at Mary and Joseph, who do not respond, but simply smile as if they know something the astrologers don't)

Balthazar: ...um, Carpenter, is that anyone born into this world has to cope with certain inherent limitations. And a birth chart is like a road map to all of life's obstacles. And emotional issues!

Caspar: And medical problems!

Balthazar: So you see, although it does appear that your boy here is, in fact, some sort of a really special person, the indications are of a shortish life span... like maybe 35 years tops. And it's going to be a struggle. Like with authority figures.

Caspar: No real signs of wealth here either. And possible death by piercing or blood loss.

Balthazar: So we really recommend relocating the birth chart. You should consider a move to Gaul, or Germania, or something.

Caspar: His relocated chart to Hispania puts Venus on the Ascendant. He'd be a lot more popular with the girls there.

(Balthazar and Caspar turn to Melchior, who has fallen silent, staring at the baby)

Caspar: Melchior, you've hardly said a word. By this point you've usually told the parents all about the baby's future marriage and food allergies. What's the problem?

Melchior: It's just... the way this kid is looking at me. It's like... it's like He Knows Something that we don't.

(Balthazar and Caspar laugh uproariously)

Balthazar: You're such a cut-up, Melchior. We're the Wise Men. We're astrologers!

(Caspar leans in close to Melchior)

Caspar (whispering): Besides, look around dude. The kid was born with the livestock. Everyone wants to think their baby is the Greatest Thing Ever... but this one is an obvious non-starter.

Balthazar: Sorry folks, we have to move it along here. The Moon's nearly at the Midheaven, and we have a party to work at Herod's.

The Feast Of Chiron

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 13:17:00 +0000

I was sitting around last night contemplating my Solar Return chart in the traditional manner -- over a bottle of cheap vodka -- when the door bell rang. A pizza delivery car was idling outside. Not having ordered a pizza, but with a professional astrologer's keen instincts for a free meal, I answered the door. Much to my surprise, the pizza was being delivered by no less than Chiron the Centaur himself.

"This must be an awkward moment for you" Chiron said.

"You're telling me," I replied. "I didn't order a pizza, and I'm broke."

"I didn't mean that. I mean, you've never written about me, ever. And I rarely hear you mention me in your consultations."

I felt myself blush a little, something that doesn't happen much any more. "Well, you know I prefer a more mechanistic approach to my astrology. You know --"

Chiron interrupted. " 'I'll tell you when you get hit by the truck, you figure out how you feel about it.' I know. It's one of your favourite lines."

I set the pizza down on the coffee table. "Look, I realize that the functions you represent are vital to the counselling process. Really, I do. I just have a hard time seeing the practical use of you in a reading. It's not like a nice solid Uranus transit squaring natal Mars screwing up your blood pressure."

"Isn't Sun square Chiron on the Midheaven one of the tighter aspects in your chart?" Chiron asked.

"Yes," I replied. "And that should make me some kind of expert if there was any sort of observable --"

"And aren't you sitting around in the dark, drinking for no obvious reason, feeling all bad about your existence, right before your Solar Return?"

I glanced around. "I just haven't changed the light bulb yet. Honest. So is this what you do now: go around handing out meals people can't afford and didn't ask for?"

Chiron trotted over to the pizza box and opened it. It had extra cheese, which almost managed to obscure the Brussels Sprouts, parsnips, and liverwurst toppings. I cringed.

"No." Chiron replied. "I go around handing out what people really need, emotionally, whether they know it or not. And it's free."

The delivery car horn honked repeatedly. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of stops to make this evening. I have a bucket of deep-fried childhood memories for a Virgo going cold."

He paused to pat my shoulder reassuringly before he left.

"Just remember: where it Hurts, there is Hope."

The car horn honked impatiently as he left. I looked out the window one last time, and in the dark I was barely able to make out the features of my great-grandfather behind the wheel -- the one I never met, but who nonetheless taught me that no matter how bad life feels at times, things could always be worse.

I sat down and started to eat. It was awful at first, but I soon realized just how hungry I was... and, miraculously, I was hungry for something like this. I contemplated the Human Condition: wounded, struggling things making out way through life causing more injury to ourselves and others, and on occasion -- if we're both wise and lucky -- mopping up more pain than we leave behind. And I thought about another year of more of the same, for me.

And I thought about a malformed and misbegotten thing, half man and half horse, who nonetheless taught The Gods Themselves lessons in healing and nobility.

So, naturally, I danced.

If you'd like more information on what a astrological counseling session can do for you, or to inquire about my services, CLICK HERE. If you'd like a FREE (yes, FREE!) one-month customized forecast, send me your date, city, and (if known) time of birth.

The Saucer Lands, The Door Opens, And Matthew The Astrologer Steps Out And Says...

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 03:34:00 +0000

Hi folks. I've missed our regular talks: I've been kind of busy. It's been a good thing though... I think I've discovered a lot more about the True Meaning Of Life and stuff. I'll be back in a couple of days with fresh jokes. Thanks, everyone!

Gentle Advice For Taurus

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 14:06:00 +0000

Dear Taurus: Yes, astrology is real. You asked this before when you started dating that cute but opinionated Aquarius, and now just look at what it's done to you.

Gentle Advice For Aries

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 20:14:00 +0000

Dear Aries: There is no cause for alarm. It's only been 25 minutes since you called for that pizza, and if it's more than another five minutes, it's free.

Pet The Goat: Be Nice To Capricorn

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 15:00:00 +0000

I've been looking at the upcoming planetary transits for the next few months. There's the usual mix of peril and opportunity out there, but I think I've already drawn one important conclusion:

Capricorn: you guys are going to get stiffed in the empathy-from-others department. Again.

Sure, the Sun, Saturn, and Uranus are all in helpful places for Capricorn right now. And even if they weren't, no one has a talent like Capricorn does for making things take root in the worst soil. But I've noticed over the years that if there's one Sun Sign that can get stiffed by transits and doesn't yell about it half as much as they should, it's the Goats.

Mars is going retrograde in Cancer... Capricorn's seventh house, ruling relationships. So while everything else appears to be working more or less on schedule, helping Capricorn build a solid, more reliable Tomorrow for Pluto to star screwing with next year... the love life appears to be lagging behind. This makes me a little sad, because I've always thought Capricorns were cute little things, like goats at the petting zoo. People generally agree with this assessment at first, until someone mentions bringing a goat home as a pet.

Seriously, though: I love you guys. Your just a sensitive as your opposite, Cancer, but manage to function in a dignified, orderly way... or at least you maintain the appearance of it, which is almost as good. On the inside, though? You're as messy as the rest of us... maybe a little more, because being a Capricorn is a little like being born wearing a pinstriped suit. You have the same needs as everyone else, but based on appearances, everyone assumes you showed up knowing how to change your own diaper. Efficiently.

Come to think of it, a lot of you out there look like you've got it together on the outside a lot better than you do on the inside. And that of course, is why I'm here.

Peregrine Planets: Finding The "Gee Spot" In Your Birth Chart

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 02:14:00 +0000

If you read enough about astrology, you'll eventually come across the concept of planets being in "good" or "bad" signs, and probably discovered something in your chart that is debilitated or in its fall. This can be a real bruise to the ego, and can build a little resentment. Personally I don't put too much stock in it (unless it comes to Vedic or horary astrology, which are different kettles of fish altogether). I've known people with Saturn in Cancer who have an excellent sense of order, and people with Venus in Scorpio who dressed very tastefully. So I don't generalize too much about fallen or debilitated planets.

One generalization I'm a little more willing to make is about peregrine planets. This is a concept I first heard from Noel Tyl, but goes a long way back. A planet is peregrine when it is in a sign it rules, or is exalted in (or one of the signs opposite to those) and doesn't have any major aspects from any other planets.

Peregrine planets have a tendency to run wild in a birth chart, to become a prominent feature... a major life-theme, even... when otherwise it might not stand out. I've also noticed that when it comes to astrologers and students of astrology trying to make sense of their own charts and their own transits, the peregrine planet is a particular blind spot.

A peregrine (meaning "wandering") planet can often be a key clue to what makes you tick. Sometimes it can drive you to great heights. At other times, it's the equivalent of your drunken Uncle Lefty: he only gets invited to dinner because he's family, and frankly everything goes better if he doesn't show up at all.

Have a look at your own chart and see if there's anything peregrine there. Then go back to the last time a major transit affected that planet.

Two to one says you'll have a whole new flash of understanding about yourself. It's the sort of thing that can make even a veteran astrologer sit back and say... "gee."

Have another look at your own birth chart and see if you have a Gee Spot too.

Me? Mine is a peregrine retrograde Jupiter at 27 Gemini. It gets me into all sorts of trouble, like writing a blog entry just so I can use "Gee Spot" in the title. This is the sort of thing that can happen when your Jupiter turns into your birth chart's Uncle Lefty.

And now, an amusing sketch about death and suffering:

The Mad Astrologer: Reality, Reshaped To Order

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 16:27:00 +0000

I've been following Pat's comments on the astrology of The Galactic Core (26-28 degrees Sagittarius) and what (if anything) is the significance of Pluto's prolonged stay there. I've always known it's significant, somehow, but I've always had a hard time pinning it down. Up until recently, the most I could get out of it was that it seems to appear a lot in the charts of science fiction and fantasy fans.

Current experience is teaching me the true meaning of this point in the sky, or so I think. Pluto is Transformation. The Galactic Core is, in a sense, the Center of everything in the sky, and thus astrology, and thus... life.

The planet of transformation is in a straight line with the Core. Connect those two points with a line, and that line proceeds straight to Earth. To you.

I normally take a very down-to-Earth, practical approach to astrology. After all, have you ever tried to "manifest" your way out of the ditch after a car has hit you? How well did that work? Frankly, in a situation like that, I'll take a decent paramedic over Gandalf The Grey any day.

But things are happening on a huge scale these days, for me and for a lot of us. So here is what I'm suggesting to all my dear readers and friends out there:

Today is not not a day to look at the sky and ask "why." Today is a day to look inward and ask "what do I want?" and be specific. Look around inside until you see the very specific, unambiguous details of what you really want.

Find that Truth, and shout it with all your might. Make a few demands. Stop taking prisoners.

Today: The Universe listens intently... so speak to it with Intent.

Crazy/Genius: Prince The Gemini Is Both

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 17:50:00 +0000

Although Prince (formerly known as Formerly Known As) has been on the charts since the early 1980s, he continues to produce the same thoughtful, introspective, wildly shag-worthy music he always did. Like many artists (Cyndi Lauper comes to mind), he has produced consistently excellent work, but mainstream sales haven't always reflected this.

One thing most people don't know about Prince is that he is, at times, a business genius as well. After all, only a lunatic would give away three million copies of his new CD with the Sunday paper in London, right? That's even worse than not selling albums... that's guaranteeing a loss. The same would apply just as surely to Prince, who did just that a few years ago. Except of course afterwards he played twenty one sold-out concerts in London alone as a result.

I don't know how much you paid for concert tickets last time you went... but I'm willing to bet our Gemini (June 7, 1958, 6:17 PM, Minneapolis MN) friend made a mountain off of money off the deal.

So I have to wonder what's behind Prince's recent unprecedented Internet rampage to eliminate all unauthorized images of himself and all trace of his music. Being worried about losing out because someone downloaded your song for free is one thing... but demanding a woman remove her home video of a toddler dancing to "Let's Go Crazy"? Jeez.

Prince has Pluto right smack on his Midheaven, opposite his moon. Right there we have a recipe for emotional volatility, and given the Midheaven's involvement, this is going to come out in the career. This is the sort of guy who can pull off a genius marketing ploy like the London giveaway. This is also the sort of guy who, at the peak of his fame, could suddenly change his name to a weird symbol with no proper pronouciation, thus leading to a spate of "The Artist Formerly Known As..." jokes.

Transiting Pluto is trining that natal Pluto/Midheaven now. Normally, most astrologers would say that this is a time when Prince would be making radical moves for the better in his career. Trying to get rid of every unauthorized trace of yourself on the Internet is certainly radical... but I wouldn't normally think that threating your biggest fans with legal action is so good for business. Then again, I would have thought giving your album away was nuts. Either way, the Pluto transit is adding plenty of fuel to the fire. In time, we'll see whether the Genius or the Lunatic wins the battle, this time around. Although with Saturn currently squaring his natal Mercury... which also rules his Eighth House Sun... and transiting Uranus squaring that Sun... I think the smart money may be on "lunatic."

Since it's pretty much impossible to find any Prince on the Internet these days, here's a squirrel on water skis:

The Bull By The Balls: A Taurus And Scorpio Love Story For Everyone

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 16:06:00 +0000

Above is a detail from a sculpture at the British Museum, depicting the legend of Mithras, who was the object of a Mystery Religion found throughout the ancient Roman world. In this legend, Mithras is frequently depicted killing a bull, and (in most cases)a scorpion is attacking the bull's cojones.

There are lots of places you can read up on the astronomical/seasonal significance of this central image of Mithraism. As an astrologer though, I have my own observations:

-It has been my experience that the upside of the legendary Taurus stubbornness is, literally, a refusal to die easily.

-Taurus and Scorpio are naturally drawn to each other, maybe more than most oppositions. Although one could make a case for that being because the signs are ruled by Venus and Mars, personally I think it's because both signs secretly love a challenge... frequently while they're complaining about how much they hate the challenge.

-Scorpios aren't afraid to go for the groin shot when it's going to score points.

Finally, and most importantly: those who seek True Love (or those who have It find Them) had better leave all their preconceptions at the door. You have some preconceptions about what sign he/she is, or his/her Moon sign, appearance, location, ethnicity, marital status, age, shoe size? Best give all those notions up now. When it hits, it hits.

And sometimes, if we focus on our preconceptions instead of what is True, it can be a huge pain in the balls. But it's always worth it.

Transits: Awaiting The Divine Hammer Blow

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 15:19:00 +0000

Ask any medical student: at some point or another they all end up believing they have some strange monkey virus or something. It's virtually universal: you can only spend so long looking at the possible disasters before you start believing in one.

Astrologers are prone to this sort of thing too. One of the great joys in my line of work has been teaching it, and one thing I can count on is hearing from an old student, typing away at three in the morning, worried about the South Node conjuncting their secondary progressed Mercury during a void of course moon, or something.

As I write this, I am awaiting the transiting Moon In Virgo to conjunct with Venus... normally not a cause for alarm. But said conjunction will also be squaring Pluto, which is in turn is exactly opposite my natal Jupiter, which resides in the dark abandoned carnival ride that is my 12th House. And Uranus is conjuncting my natal Saturn. And Neptune is squaring my natal Neptune. And transiting Saturn is squaring my natal Mercury and Nodes. And transiting Jupiter is opposing my natal Sun. And...

And I'm reminded of how many times the little transits from the Moon and Venus are the first pebbles that start the avalanche.

I don't usually write that much about my personal life here -- it's barely my business, let alone anyone else's -- but I thought I'd make an exception today for illustrative purposes. Astrology is not supposed to be about cowering in terror, waiting for the Divine Hammer to fall. Just as paying attention to your health can lead to hypochondria, staring for too long at one's own birth chart can be a practice that goes wrong.

I mention all this simply because I want you all to be as relieved (yet unsurprised) as I am when I'm back here, tomorrow, in one piece... just like I know I will be.

Goldilocks And The Twelve Signs: The Pisces Guide To Compatibility

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 15:06:00 +0000

Once upon a time Goldilocks went to Speed Dating, sponsored by the National Oat Growers Association... so naturally porridge was involved. She sat down at the big, long table and prepared to receive her potential suitors.

Before anyone else had a chance to sit down, Aries zipped in and filled the chair in front of her. "Hey baby," Aries said, "try mine first!" Goldilocks tried his porridge. It intrigued her, but the flavor impulsively faded before she could really get into it. So she decided to wait for the next suitor.

Taurus came next. His porridge was smooth and comforting and sensual, and she really liked it. But then Taurus criticized her spoon technique, calling it ungrounded. This miffed Goldilocks to no end, especially when Taurus called her "ungrounded."

Then Gemini sat down. Gemini's porridge was full of interesting flavor combinations, any one of which would have been fine on it's own, but the saffron and marjoram covered up the comfort and warmth she was really seeking.

Cancer offered his bowl next. Goldilocks was intrigued by the depth of feeling Cancer put into his offering. The conversation went well, and Goldilocks suggested they meet again, But Cancer became too defensive and scurried off.

Leo came next. His bowl was hot and shiny and flavorful... as appealing as Cancer's, but more adventurous. But then Leo started telling her in detail how she was enjoying the wrong flavors, and how she didn't appreciate his technique, and moved on, flipping his hair as he left.

Virgo sat down and offered his porridge. It was delicious. "Why do you think so?" Virgo asked. Then Virgo asked what basis for comparison Goldilocks had, her experience with porridge, and the exact mileage to her home. Goldilocks felt interrogated and over-analyzed, so she ran out the clock with Virgo by discussing her health issues.

Libra sat down and handed over his porridge. It was smooth and sweet and Pisces really enjoyed it. Then Libra began to question why Goldilocks thought so, and why Goldilocks picked that outfit to wear today, then accused Goldilocks on being evasive when she couldn't answer the questions adequately.

Scorpio came next and offered his bowl. It was intense and affectionate and exactly what Goldilocks was looking for. Everything was going great until Goldilocks accidentally called Scorpio "Cancer." Scorpio sat up straight and spent the remainder of his time berating Pisces for being unfaithful, and criticizing Goldilocks' taste in foot wear.

Sagittarius came next. His porridge was warm and exciting, with an adventurous dash of curry. Once she finished, Goldilocks looked up from her bowl to ask for more, only to discover that Sagittarius had wandered off into the wine tasting next door, and was hitting on an ad executive from Cleveland.

Capricorn sat down and Goldilocks tried his porridge next. It was hearty and filling and good. Goldilocks asked Capricorn if she could see him again. By the time Capricorn finished delineating the cost of his porridge's ingredients, the time involved to make it, and how his portfolio was performing, Goldilocks had lost interest and felt a little sad.

Aquarius sat down and offered his bowl of porridge. His bowl was interesting and unique, and Goldilocks found it intriguing. Unfortunately, Aquarius didn't provide a spoon, so Goldilocks was unable to get into it in any real depth. The surface looked interesting, though. They spent the rest of their time staring at each other and then out the window.

Finally, Pisces sat down. Goldilocks was a Pisces too. This naturally started up a long conversation about their childhood dreams, last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy, and where the best place to get married would be. Unfortunately, when it came to setting up a second date, Pisces was just as scattered as Goldilocks, and nothing came of it.

Goldilocks stared out the window sadly. It had started to rain. Maybe she should just give up on the whole idea of ever finding someone whose porridge gave her the combination of strength, sensitivity, and romance that she was hungry for.

Just as she got up to leave, Aries zipped in and filled the chair in front of her. "Hey baby," Aries said...

This Is Not The Aquarius Guide To Compatibility

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 17:07:00 +0000

Dear Aquarius:

As you may have noticed, I've been doing a series on how the signs perform in their relationships with other signs. People seem to like this sort of thing, and admittedly relationship issues are the one thing I come across most often in the course of my profession. I have to admit, though: I was a little stumped as to what kind of approach to take with Aquarius. Frankly, I'm not the only one, as you may have noticed yourself.

An Aquarius is born with the knowledge (on some level) that the individual differences between us are like different songs playing on different radio stations at the same time. Even though you can only listen to one station at a time, you (above all others) realize that the same air is being pierced by hundreds of signals at hundreds of frequencies... each one carrying unique sounds. You are born knowing that, whereas most of the rest of us never even catch on that such a thing is happening all around us, all the time.

You have the same heart and feelings that everyone else does. The problem isn't you, in a sense: it's everyone else. Have you ever read what they say about you? That's you're so aloof and weird that it's hard to make a relationship work with you? What a load of crap. The big problem anyone has with a relationship with an Aquarius is that the others aren't used to listening to all those higher frequencies, literally or figuratively, like you were born to do.

Find a way to explain that to your partner in a language they understand, and all will be well.

Sure, I could give you the quick and dirty lowdown on how this man or that woman works with you. If I did, it would look kind of like this...

Aries: Fun but not always dependable or stable for you.
Taurus: Dependable and stable but sometimes not that much fun for you.
Gemini: Intellectually interesting but emotionally scattered. At least, by your standards.
Cancer: Emotionally interesting but intellectually scattered. At least, by your standards.
Leo: Fun, but wants to fight you for top billing. At least, by your standards.
Virgo: Caring but a little too conventional. At least, by your standards.
Libra: Sweet but unchallenging, or too challenging in their refusal to challenge you. At least, by your standards.
Scorpio: Emotionally intense, but doesn't know when to detach. At least, by your standards.
Sagittarius: A fun partner, but goes off on different tangents than yours. At least, by your standards.
Capricorn: Has emotional depth, but has a different game plan laid out than you do. At least, by your standards.
Aquarius: Beats the hell outta me! And that's by anyone's standards.
Pisces: Pleasantly mushy, yet unpleasantly mushy. At least, by your standards.

...and I could ornament it with some jokes and a funny picture, and we'd all have a good laugh. But none of that would actually address why you've come looking for a compatibility guide, would it? I suggest being Aquarian with this, and leap to the conclusion the rest of us would struggle a little longer to make: if you have a problem with X, go read X's entry in this series.

So: Let the Cancers and the Virgos and the Aries and such have their compatibility guides. Me? I'd rather give you something new and unique that you could really use.

Would you like a hug?

Your Attention Please: The Capricorn Guide To Compatibility

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 16:26:00 +0000

Comrades:

Certain forces have conspired to, at times, deny Capricorn the love and romance that Capricorn requires to function as a powerful, independent entity. In order to more efficiently address this matter, you have all been assigned to one of twelve cadres. You will receive your final score when you return home, or to the factory, or to Re-Education Camp, where you will have a glorious time supporting our future triumph over the forces of solitude.

Aries: Your fire and passion are admirable, but it's so uncontrolled and undisciplined that there's a constant risk of you burning down what we've built. Go to the camp.

Taurus: Solid, dependable worker. Excellent at following the Party Line, but your focus on the comforts of life... including a slight tendency to stray... is worrisome. You may return to your home.

Gemini: Scattered. I have a hard time believing that you believe in the goals of The Party, given your fondness for enemy propaganda. Your charm is lovely, but it also makes me suspicious. Report to Camp!

Cancer: Sweet, moody, and defensive, just like me. With time and discipline, you could make Chairman. Just watch the overreacting with distance when I overreact to you with distance. Report to home.... and bake me cookies.

Leo: Completely counter-revolutionary. I understand the need to keep the troops entertained, but I always feel like the Andrews Sisters are still on stage with you when it's time to charge the enemy hill instead. You know where we could use talent like that? Camp!

Virgo: Excellent quality. Stable, intelligent, and efficient. However, you tendency to worry is worrisome to me, and makes me question your loyalty. But I know you don't mean it. Return home anyway, with an escort from Security.

Libra: Decadent! Completely unfocused on anything of real value to The Party. All this romance and sweetness is merely a cover for your desire to not take things seriously. The appearance of not taking it seriously enough is equivalent to lack of seriousness. Thoughtcrime! Report to Camp!

Scorpio: I admire your intensity, and how well-armed you are. That intensity can be worrisome though: it makes you prone to lashing out. A little time in the factory sewing cheap exports will perfect you. Once you've learned you're lesson... full parole.

Sagittarius: Once again, entertainment value is no substitute for ideological commitment. You have ideology certainly... it just isn't mine. And what you do have is shamefully disorganized. Thank you for the attempt at amusement. Camp!

Capricorn: Solid and dependable, just like me. Secretly sweet too... just like me. Truly an equal. the only problem here: do you recall being told this was a democracy? No, neither do I. Allow me to demonstrate. Go to the factory!

Aquarius: We're so completely different that it's hard to see how you can fit into the society I have planned for you. But you're dedicated to a higher goal too, so you may report to the factory. But sit right under Surveillance Camera Twelve.

Pisces: Your emotionality isn't my usual style, but this foreign technology called "compassion" you possess is of great interest to The Party. In time, it could be forged into a powerful weapon of romantic victory. Report to home, and stand by for further compliance.

There will now be a period of illustrative musical entertainment. You are instructed to enjoy this.

They're Off And Running! The Sagittarius Guide To Compatibility

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 06:22:00 +0000

Sagittariuses are always being accused of treating their love lives as if they were a sporting event, rather than like love lives. And why not? There's anticipation, competition, and... more often than not... someone loses. So in that spirit, here's the handy Sagittarius race card for who's in the running, with odds of a win. No horse in this race is a guaranteed winner, but some bets are a lot safer than others. Then again, no guts, no glory...

Here are today's odds on a winning relationship for you, Sag:

Aries and Leo (3:2 odds): A fairly safe bet. Popular favourites, both these Fire signs have the sport you require. You may find Aries is awfully hard to steer into the chute, and Leo is sometimes more interested in being a show pony than a race winner.

Gemini (3:1 odds): Quick, responsive, and sporty... much like yourself. This is a pairing that often has people saying "oh gosh, you two are perfect for each other!" The problem is that despite the horseplay, deep down you have a thick, chewy philosophical center. You may never get past the sneaking suspicion that, with Gemini, it's question marks all the way down...

Libra and Aquarius (4:1 odds): Both good bets, overall, with proven records of performance. Generally pleasant to get along with. Libra sometimes has a preference for standing there are just looking pretty when the bell rings.. Aquarius is a bit of a rebel, and you like that... but sometimes it's hard to figure out what they're rebelling against. It may be you.

Virgo and Pisces (5:1 odds): Both unusual choices: the squares to one's own sign aren't where you usually look for a safe relationship bet. But both of these tend to outperform in long muddy stretches, compared to their reputations. Who knows why? You probably just love the challenge. Pisces is sometimes lacking the horse sense you require in a mate, and Virgo on a bad day? Nag, nag, nag...

Taurus (6:1 odds): A bull... not a horse. This can lend a lot of stability to a relationship... something Sagittarius usual forgets to bring to the table. Pleasant and generally kind... but if you were expecting to saddle up a Bull and get anywhere quickly... you're in the wrong race, pal.

Cancer (8:1 odds): Jupiter rules Sagittarius, and is exalted in Cancer. Theoretically, this should make for great mutual joy and a solid philosophical relationship. The problem here is that crabs are designed to withstand accidental trampling... but they're always waiting for it too. And you'll provide it... probably by accident. So long, Crab.

Sagittarius (9:1 odds) SAG 1: I'm having a great time! SAG 2: Me too! Did you remember to bring the stability? SAG 1: No dude, I thought you had that covered. SAG 2: And, damn, we're outta beer. SAG 1: It's okay, I'll go to the store and get more. SAG 2: You aren't coming back, are you? SAG 1: Probably not. SAG 2: Okay. Later, dude...

Capricorn (10:1 odds): Obstinate, stubborn, and although they can have a fiery temperament, that fire doesn't seem to be fuelling anything visible, a lot of the time. They can provide a valuable stabilizing, steering force in your life. Do you need that? Hell yeah! Do you like that? If your answer is "yes," it's time for the veterinarian to cut back on your tranquilizers.

Scorpio (15:1 odds): They have all the intensity and focus you lack. Of course, you never really asked for intensity and focus. or you did, and it just isn't your style. They like sex though, and you do too. A sure winner... provided all the other horses break their legs first, and Scorpio doesn't break yours.

Oh, and one more thing, Sagittarius? You've already got a bad enough reputation for running around on your relationships. Don't go betting on the trifecta, okay?

Pluto. Galactic Core. Me.

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 02:33:00 +0000

For the next day or so I'd like to commend you all to the good graces of Pat Paquette's blog, The Pisces Chronicles. She has some very intelligent sounding things to say about this weeks conjunction of Pluto with the Galactic Core.

I say "intelligent sounding" because this particular conjunction takes place closely opposite my natal Jupiter, and I'm not currently in a position to understand much of anything. Except, of course... it's having a real effect on me personally.

See you in a few days, when my capsule lands...

CSI: Romance - The Scorpio Guide To Compatibility

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 16:08:00 +0000

There's a mystery to be uncovered here. A blow to the heart... an intense, passionate experience causing shortness of breath, rapid irregular heartbeat, and a flood of endorphins throughout the nervous system, clouding judgement. Although it's enticing, you can sense the ever-present spectre of danger... and that only increases your curiosity.

Congratulations! You're a Scorpio in a relationship! Here's what you can expect...

***

Scene: The Las Vegas Coroner's Autopsy Room. Chief Investigator Gil Grissom and coroner Dr. Al Robbins stand over the badly-mangled body of an adult male.

DOC: Victim was a white male, approximately 35 years old, name unknown. A Scorpio.

GRISSOM: How can you tell?

DOC: We found this medallion on the victim. Also, this scorpion tattoo. Scorpios love that stuff. There's little sign of struggle... we can presume the victim knew his assailant. Probably someone he was in a relationship with.

GRISSOM: A Taurus?

AL: That's a common guess... but notice the large chest wound. Tauruses are steady and sensual, which would explain the relationship, but their killing technique is usually through stubbornness... refusal to budge.

GRISSOM: Another Water Sign, maybe?

AL: Good possibility of it. They have the emotional depth a Scorpio is looking for. But I'd expect the body to be more weighed down with the assailant's emotional baggage if it was a Cancer, and there's no mawkish sentiment filling the lungs, so it wasn't the usual Pisces drowning.

GRISSOM: It could have been a Capricorn.

AL: Yes. Scorpio's seem to find them sexy, but there's limited bruising here. Capricorn usually kill their partners by battering them to death with their inflexibility. Like Taurus, only edgier.

GRISSOM: An Aries, maybe? They're both Mars-ruled, they both love excitement...

AL: And Aries doesn't usually have the patience for Scorpio's caution and analysis. Although admittedly the passion and potential violence of Aries and Scorpio together is noteworthy.

GRISSOM: It could have been another Scorpio.

AL: I doubt it. They cling on to each other passionately enough, but Scorpios usually bury their flaws... and their victims... deep enough for no one to find them until it's too late. This guy was found on his couch. Notice the tissue under the victims fingernails: it matches the scarring around the ears. It's self-inflicted.

GRISSOM: Like he was trying to claw out his own eardrums. Maybe a Gemini or a Virgo, then. Scorpio's love watching the thought processes those two have, until the talking has gone on too long.

AL: Good point. But I'm not sure a relationship with a Gemini would have the depth our vic was looking for, and the vic's eardrums aren't swollen from the debating. I did a swab of the genitals... no recent sign of sexual activity. Scorpios usually go ape for Virgos that way. Death by nagging is the Virgo style, though.

GRISSOM: Sagittarius? Libra?

AL: They both have their charms, but I'm not sure either one has the depth Scorpio is looking for. At least they don't usually act like it enough to Scorpio's liking. No glucose poisoning, which is Libra's usual m.o., and no hoof marks from a Sagittarius stampeding away, which they usually do quickly.

GRISSOM: I suppose the logical place to look then would be with Scorpio's least compatible signs... Leo and Aquarius.

AL: Aquarius is usually too hard to pin down for a Scorpio... which can be intriguing, but Aquariuses don't usually kill off their victims so dramatically. They prefer to remove their partners through diffusion in abstract thought processes. A Leo certainly has the passion a Scorpio wants, but the Leo usually kills via self-importance and/or pomposity. I dusted for pomposity... none present.

(CSI agent SARAH SIDLE enters, waving a note)

SARAH: Gris, we found this note at the crime scene!

GRIS: You mean...?

SARAH: He did it to himself!

GRIS: We usually do, Sarah. We usually do.

True Tales Of Teen Heartbreak: The Libra Guide To Compatibility

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 19:50:00 +0000

You hear a lot that Libras are all about the romance because it's a Venus-ruled sign. I'm not sure that's entirely the point. I think most people are suckers for a good romance story, with all the twists and turns required for Boy to finally be with Girl. And Libras love the "love story" part of Love. That's probably why you find so many Libras who have an interest in astrology... it's like one of those "making of" documentaries on a romance movie DVD.

Here are the payoffs and pitfalls of Libras relationships with the other signs, expressed in terms those lovers of love will appreciate. Something that captures all the vibrancy and willful disregard for reality that Libras crave.... romance comics!

ARIES: Pretty exciting stuff. Adventurous, motivated, and straight to the point. The problem is that even the best road has a couple of unexpected potholes... and Aries is just exciting enough to make you forget to put your helmet on.

TAURUS: They love the lovin' just as much as you do... and who couldn't love that? The problem: you love to be loved, but not necessarily possessed, and certainly not ordered around.

GEMINI: Charming. Witty. Fun. Affectionate. There will never be any doubt in your mind that Gemini loves you, except on the days his identical twin The Jerk shows up.

CANCER: Great depth of emotion. Tremendous power when in love. But when they cling to you... or when they think you're sneaking out to flirt with other boys... ouch!

LEO: Great fun. Terribly romantic. Irresistibly kitty-cuddly-cute when they put their mind to it. But notice how their picture is the biggest one in this article? That was Leo's idea, baby. Get used to it.

VIRGO: Admittedly they can be charming, and the things that logical little mind of there's can come up with are adorable. But let's be honest: some days they just aren't that romantic at all.

LIBRA: Okay, show of hands: how many of you out there can name a romance story you loved where two people who are completely different end up together anyway? Okay, now... how many of you can name a romance story you loved about two identical romantics who got together, everything was just great, and they spent the rest of their lives that way? Yeah, thought so. Romance is as much about the differences as it is about the similarities.

SCORPIO: Such passion! Such intensity! Such bruising when they slip and completely forget that a relationship is about compromise!

SAGITTARIUS: They're a lot of fun. They know how to have a good time. You'll like the playfulness. But will you ever get past that nagging notion they're just horsing around with the relationship instead of taking it seriously?

CAPRICORN: The good news: He's solid. He's dependable. He's determined and hard working. The bad news: this is the guy your Mom wanted you to marry. How appealing is that?

AQUARIUS: He has a light touch. He's interesting, intelligent, and different. The problem here is that he's on his own world half the time... not yours.

PISCES: What started out as a refreshing dip into the deep waters of Lake Dewey-Eyes can quickly turn into being surrounded by weird, creepy things that don't even breathe the same way you do. And believe me... on a bad day, you'll want to come up for air.

The Virgo Guide To Compatibility, Within A Tolerance Of ±0.2 Millimeters

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 13:09:00 +0000

INITIAL CONDITIONS:

Humans are driven by biosocial factors to pair-bonding. Further, the efficiency of each bond ("compatibility") is variable with each individual involved, in part due to personality-based initial conditions ("Sun Sign"). Virgo attempts to place this within a rational context and draw accurate conclusions.

HYPOTHESIS:

Virgo can find true love within the confines of an imperfect world. Based on broad personality data gathered by Sun Sign. it is projected that the relative probability of success in a pair-bond can thus be projected on an a priori basis. Each potential partner is evaluated on a scale of 0 to 1 as a function of probable incidence of harmony (on a per incidence basis).

DATA:

Taurus and Capricorn (0.8/1): Perform well under stress; high tensile shear resistance. Partner malleability is occasionally impaired when reconfiguration is required. Reconfiguration will likely be proposed based on their data set, not yours. With practice, excellent subject conformity to relationship guidelines.

Cancer and Scorpio (0.75/1): Both require some cleaning. Generally sound emotional depth, but both filter their data via emotional factors more than Virgo, and can be resistant to probing. Hardened shells may be difficult to open, but can reward the effort. Emotional slipperiness can occur. Wear rubber gloves.

Pisces (0.7): Highly sensitive to contamination, like yourself. Highly suggestible, unlike yourself. A lack of detail and definition can be frustrating to the researcher; however, emotional appeal can be highly catalytic. A great deal of net-casting is often needed to collect accurate emotional data.

Sagittarius and Virgo (0.65/1): Both signs demonstrate a sympathetic knowledge for further life data, but are likely to use entirely different experimental models than the researcher, making for potential translation problems. Theoretically shouldn't work, but often does anyway. This requires further research.

Aries and Aquarius (0.6/1): Difficult, volatile substances which come with certain containment hazards. One is highly explosive, the other is often too neutral to form a reaction. However, once proper procedures are in place, this can (paradoxically) make long term bonding possible. Not what you expected... but possible.

Leo and Libra (0.5/1): Constantly changing emotional states lead to initial exhilaration, often followed by exhaustion on the researcher's part. Lack of stability is made up for by shininess and willingness. Outcome of experiment difficult to predict, therefore the researcher may wish for more stable materials to work with.

Gemini (0.4/1): Comparable to positronium, an exotic matter-antimatter combination. Appealing as a potential source of tremendous energy, but likely to become explosively unstable under extensive probing. Wear safety goggles.

CONCLUSION:

Nothing in life is perfect, not even Love. Nonetheless, this knowledge does not make the issue go away. It is recommended that Virgos collect further data and reach their own conclusions in this regard.

Overture, Curtain Lights: The Leo Guide To Romantic Compatibility

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew The Astrologer) — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 15:14:00 +0000

Welcome to the twelve-screen multiplex of Love. Today we're going to see if we can successfully hook our friend Leo up with the man/woman/movie of his/her/its dreams. And if you're a true movie fan, you know that the right review from the right critic can improve your chance of being really entertained... despite the sticky floor and overpriced popcorn. Of course, even your favorite film critic can get it wrong once in a while... and what's more fun than uncovering an under appreciated cinematic gem?

Tickets, please...

NOW SHOWING:

Blaze Of Love (Aries and Sagittarius): Action! Suspense! Romance! This one has it all. Aries can't help but overact a little, and Sagittarius is all exhuberance and no technique, but with a little editing this one could have been perfect. Big thumbs up! FIVE STARS.

C'est Moi, Mon Amour (Leo): An intense and compelling tale with few flaws. The main flaw here is that the romantic leads keep acting like it's just their movie. A bit sappy for some people's tastes. FOUR STARS.

The Mirror Has Two Faces (Gemini and Libra): Playful and romantic. The fast-paced but occasionally erratic screenplay keeps things moving at a furious clip. The perfect way to while away an evening. Occasionally thin characterization leaves some doubt as to whether or not the energy can be maintained for the planned sequels. THREE AND A HALF STARS.

I Married A Martian (Aquarius): An obscure yet compelling opening leads the audience into a wonderland of surprises, romance, and culture clashes. The director's detached approach can be frustrating for the summer-romance-movie crowd. The special effects are amazing, but at times you'll crave the human element more. THREE AND A HALF STARS.

Pinchy And The Drain (Cancer): This fish-out-of-water comedy/romance/buddy movie works better than you might expect. The film bogs down at about the two-thirds point in maudlin sentimentality. Affectionate, wants to reach out to the audience, but at times you'll wonder about character motivation, and not necessarily in a good way. THREE STARS.

The Sting III - Ouch! (Scorpio):A confused tale of a carefree organ-grinder's monkey and the researcher who loves it, yet wants to dissect it. The two are strangely compelled to each other, and it all plays out in a painfully predictable ending. PETA protested on opening night, and you may too before it's over. Warning: extreme gore. TWO AND A HALF STARS.

Warm Heart, Clean Fish (Virgo And Pisces): This tale of an obsessive-compulsive fishmonger and an alcoholic marine biologist starts out promising. Sometimes when a director juxtaposes two incompatible characters it's a classic buddy movie; this one's just all wet. Sweet, but never seems to really gel into a coherent storyline. TWO AND A HALF STARS.

Pamplona Or Bust (Taurus): Slow-paced and frustrating, yet packed with explosions and car chases. This film knows what it wants right from the opening credits and won't let go, which is not necessarily a good thing. You'll wonder what karma made you pick this instead of one of the comedies. A tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury; signifying nothing. TWO STARS.

Death On A Glacier (Capricorn): Challenging and surprisingly complex. Not for the faint of heart. This one is a tough climb right from the start. The director seems unsympathetic to his characters, yet there is a point to it all. You just may have a hard time sitting through 90 minutes of frozen wasteland and flat dialogue to get to it. ONE STAR.

Of course, all decent movies have a character overcoming some challenge or another. And this cineplex offers twelve screens full of challenges, each different. Besides, you love movies. Even the bad ones, sometimes...