I would rather be ashes than dust!
I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot.
I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.
The function of man is to live, not to exist.
I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them.
I shall use my time.
— Jack London

We all seem to be reaching that age where folks are either on the path to reaching their dreams or they are just sitting by watching time pass by. Others too don’t even have dreams. Recently, I’ve seen a few of my close friends take that important step to achieve that ultimate goal which has been driving them all of these years. One of my good friends spent many years figuring out he could ride his motorcycle across the world, and still another is taking to the sea to discover what cultural riches it might hold.

Yesterday, I had the honor to help another person reach her first steps to their dream. Benni, a close friend of mine and big Climb For Kids supporter, has dreamt to become a mountaineer and yesterday she summited for her first substantial peak – Ruth Mountain. It was a rather long ordeal that almost didn’t take place, as I participated in a rescue high up on the mountain the night before our climb. The rescue turned out to be thankfully unnecessary, but the five hour climb still drained a lot of my reserves. Regardless, I wasn’t going to let it prevent Benni from reaching her dream. Thus after just one hour sleep, Benni and I set out for the summit. 6.5 hours later I watched her step on the top of Ruth Mountain. Another person is now on their way to realizing their dream.

As Benni was driving us home last night from the North Cascades (I was way too tired to drive), I had a small realization of why I’ve been in a funk recently. I’ve lost the internal compass which has been driving me all of these years. The reasons for that are both good — where I’ve actually achieved my dream, and bad — where unforeseen incidents have forced the dream to be less relevant. But regardless, no dream is there.  I am extremely thankful for the life I’ve created, but I recently feel like it is trending toward that dry-rot that Jack London is referring to. I also know that true dreams can’t be manufactured, so it is time to be more conscious of what is driving me out of bed each morning. I think its time to take one of my many passions to the next level – but which one? I have no idea. I do know that discovering my next dream will be crucial to long term happiness.

What’s your dream?

Each year, I organize an international trip to raise money for my charity, Climb For Kids. Typically, those trips have a goal of climbing some far off summit of a majestic mountain. This year I wanted to do something different. I wanted to climb, but not a mountain. For some weird reason, I had a desire to run the Great Wall Marathon in China. By now, I’m sure most of you are probably tired sick of posts about the event, however this event, just like events in past years, was incredibly special to me.

I started Climb For Kids in 2007 as a way to help other families who have to deal with fetal syndrome issues similar to the one that affected my own family. As most of you know, TTTS (twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome) was the root cause of my daughter Emma’s passing. Each year, more and more families struggle with the pain caused by this syndrome and these events are a great way to raise awareness about this disease. Money raised by each of these events goes directly to families who can’t afford the necessary treatment for TTTS and other fetal syndromes.

As the years since Emma’s death have passed, these events have taken on a more personal meaning for me. Each event provides an opportunity to physically demonstrate my love for my daughter that has passed as well as her incredible twin, Ella who is still with us. I carry the spirit of both girls with me as I try to accomplish something I really have no business attempting.

Now, I have completed two other marathons before, so I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. However, one look at the Wall told me that this was closer to mountain climbing than running. The location of this marathon was on the Huangyaguan portion of the wall in Jixian, which is unfortunately not visited by outsiders too often. This portion of the wall combs thru the mountainside with steep ladders and incredibly friendly people. The people of this area are quite poor, but will welcome you with huge smiles. The kids I met along the way reminded me of Ella and it brought me great strength.

The actual marathon route is only on the wall for about 7km, but the hills on the wall are leg killers. You start the race with a straight up 5K run to get to the top of the wall, then you follow the peaks and valleys of the wall all the way down to the fort. Once outside the fort, you are off for a nice 28K run thru wonderful villages, each with its own hilly peak. Then the runners return to the fort, to go back up the wall in the opposite direction (this is at 36km). The final stage up the wall turns everyone into zombies, but luckily my mountaineering skills were put to good use here. Slow, steady rest steps got me up the wall and down again – but my legs were on fire. It took every ounce of motivation from my past to get up the wall. It was quite reminesient of my Mont Blanc climb a few years back. I kept looking at my arms (seen above) to remind myself of the unsurmountable pain from a few years back and how the pain from this run is nothing compared to that.

As I finally finished the race, I was elated. I could barely move, but I had an amazing amount of fun for a event that caused so much physical pain.

I want to thank everyone who donated and helped us along the way. I have posted photos up on Flickr, and I may add more commentary to this event as the meaning sinks in over the next few days.

Climb For Kids participant and my girlfriend, Jessie Alan is joining me on the big run over in China next week. She put together this fun video to encourage folks to support her in the event. I love it. If you want to help a family and support Jessie, please make a donation here.

Jessie is also blogging this week on the Climb For Kids website too. Go see what she has to say! Fun.

This afternoon, as I was leaving for yoga, I watched the AmazonFresh delivery truck come down my street to deliver my weekly groceries. As he pulled up to my house, I heard a crackle crackle crackle as he drove the backend of his truck into the backend of my car. He was trying to avoid another car that was in a big hurry coming towards him. What I didn’t know, is that this driver was about to be in worse shape than my car.

I immediately shouted some expletive at this guy from my porch (me, swear? never.) and went down to assess the damage. Sure enough, he mangled the backend of my car. I don’t want to post the photos until we work out the details with the insurance companies. You see my street is excessively narrow, so I don’t really fault the guy. As I approached the driver, I could see that he was visiblty shaken. He is about 23 or 24 years old and he was scared. His truck was still blocking the street but he couldn’t move it because he was literally shaking. That’s when I started to learn about Bryce.

Bryce lives in Snohomish, and commutes an hour a day to drive this truck. This is his second incident in his short month of work as a driver for Amazon – he had a run in with a fire truck a few weeks ago. I don’t really think he is cut out to be a truck driver. What I also learned from Bryce, was that he is now going to be unemployed. Yep, he is guaranteed to lose his job over this, as Amazon’s insurance won’t cover him anymore. I spoke some more to Bryce and found out that he is the father of 2 year old boy, and he drives this truck to support his wife (who is in school) and his kid. When I heard him tell me that, I felt an empty hole in my belly. A couple thousand dollars of damage to my car is really not that big of deal to me, when compared to what he now is going to go through with his family.

When I was 25, I inadvertently signed off on a CD image for the PC game I was managing at Microsoft. I say inadvertently, because as we discovered later, the image was defective and Microsoft shipped 25,000 coasters. Recalling and reburning the disks cost Microsoft $500,000. You know what happened to me? I got promoted. I figured out what happened with the image and found a solution to the problem, but it still didn’t cover up the fact that Microsoft lost half a million dollars due to my error. Ironic, right?

In the grand scheme of things, Bryce’s little accident is meaningless. To Bryce though, its everything. He is going to struggle to find a new job to support his family. He has to drive the rest of the shift tonight trying to figure out how he can explain this incident to his wife. I can imagine he will have a sleepless night trying to figure out how he is going to support his two year old son. If I could do this all over again, I would have stopped him from calling his manager. He needs this job more than I need a rear bumper.

Amazon, if you’re listening, give Bryce another chance. Find him a job in the warehouse loading trucks instead of driving them. His family is depending on it.

UPDATE: April 26th
Bryce’s manager called me this morning. Apparently Bryce will be meeting with a “Driver Review Board” to determine his fate. Not quite the Spanish Inquisition, but not a walk in the park either. The board has his manager, a rep from the insurance company and a few peers who will determine Amazon’s exposure by allowing him to drive. So, he’s not automatically fired which is good news. His manager was very nice and told me that they really like Bryce, but he did agree that a warehouse job is probably better suited to him. I should have more information about his eventuality in a few days.

I want to thank everyone who reached out to me, and especially those of you who work at Amazon and offered to contact his manager too.

UPDATE 2: April 26th
I got word that a friend of mine inside Amazon had contacted Bryce’s manager’s manager’s manager (or manager^3) directly. I kinda figured that was the case when I spoke to Bryce’s direct manager this morning. It seemed like he had read my post, just by the few things he said to me. This friend also mentioned that they sent email stating “it might be best for the company if we keep people on who are so customer-oriented that even the person that *got run into* is advocating keeping him.” Right on. My friends are rad.

Thank you. And I’m sure Bryce also thanks you.

Tonight, Ella and I watched the sunset and she picked up a photo of Emma.

“Ella, who is that?”
“She is my sister who died.”

At only three years old, Ella seems to have grasped the concept of death. She knows she had a sister. I doubt she understands what that really means, but honestly, does anyone? A year ago today, I made a promise to myself to start living again. As I reflect on this past year, I can honestly say that I’ve pulled myself up by the bootstraps and regained the inner self that I knew existed. I continue to cherish each day with the veracity of hungry lion. At times it is difficult, but the insight I’ve learned has been invaluable. However, the cliche that “ignorance is bliss” really is true. Understanding who I am is not always easy – you sometimes don’t want to learn specifics about your inner self, as it can turn your entire value system upside down. I’ve had that happen more than once over the last year, but I am now able to make decisions honestly and genuinely without any regrets.

The pain I have felt from the last three years is still there. I doubt it will ever subside. That pain has provided an appreciation for life that I never felt before. As I watched the events unfold in Japan, Haiti, and the Middle East, I am struck with a sense of grief for the people there. I know what it’s like to lose a family member. I know the pain they are in. The incredible strength the survivors have is inspiring. Every day events like that remind me to appreciate the life I have – in fact, it forces me to take notice of my life and do whatever I can to make a difference in other people’s lives. That’s why I continue to run my charity, because the little things help. To date we’ve raised over $100,000 for families in need, and this is just the beginning.

As I spend today at Emma’s swingset listening to the Beatles, I will certainly cry and think of what could have been. Then, as Ella climbs on my back pulling my hair, it will be a gentle reminder to focus on what will be. Those of us who are still in this world are destined to reach out and help each other as well as ourselves. Back when I was blogging more often, my words tended to be more eloquent on this very subject.

We hope that people who were touched by Emma’s story will do what they can to become an influence on someone else’s life the way Emma became an influence on ours. If someone who only lived 4.5 months and never left the hospital can have this kind of effect on people’s lives, imagine what a full grown healthy person can achieve. Emma brought people together, even for a small instant of time for a reason. She wanted to share with us this lesson. A little love can go a very long way. You only have a short period of time in this world; use your most powerful tool to make a positive impact on other people’s lives.

Love is all you need.

Yes Emma, love IS all you need. Thank you, my little pierogie. I love you.

Dinosaurs in the Mist 2 from Climb For Kids on Vimeo.

The second in a 634 part series from the award winning scientist, Ella Leaf Kowalczyk.

If you go to the Vimeo website (just click on the link above), you can watch the video in HD. This is what you end up doing when its raining outside and your looking for something fun to do.

Last night I held a Climb For Kids benefit at my house as the follow up to my “Power of 7” campaign. The campaign itself generated an astonishing $17,107.62 which will be 100% donated to families seeking treatment for fetal syndromes. I couldn’t be any happier. I want to send out a very heart felt THANK YOU to everyone who generously donated.

Now on to the wine. I had been collecting wine from Chateau Montelena for a couple years, and I couldn’t wait to share it with my friends. The winery even publicized the event for us on their website. To encourage donations to my charity, I had vowed to open a 7 year vertical from Montelena, however my love of wine got the best of me and I decided that I really needed to open a 10 year vertical instead. The vertical spanned 1984 through 1993 and included some incredible variation. I encouraged folks to start with youngest wine (1993) and work backwards. As each wine opened up, the aroma and tastes became clear to each of us.

Everyone had their personal favorites, and I felt the 1990 was the best, but closely followed by the 1984. However, I love massive cabs, and this vintage was probably the biggest of the bunch.The consensus winner was the 1991, which was slightly thinner than the 1990 but had complexity that was unmatched by the rest of the vertical. The variation in some years was so profound that it would lead one to believe the wine came from different wineries entirely.

As a bonus, I opened up a 1964 Beaulieu Vineyard Cab which was just amazing. For dessert, I surprised everyone with a very rare 1985 Jordan dessert wine. Jordan only crafted dessert wines in the early 80′s so this was a very special treat for everyone.

The night ended and fun was had by all. More importantly we raised a lot of money that will go to many folks in need. My wallet and wine cellar are a little bit smaller after this event, but damn it was worth it. I’ve posted pictures of the event up on Flickr.

As most of you are obviously aware, I am a Steelers fan. No, scratch that. I live and breathe every morsel of information regarding the Steelers 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. As many of you discovered, I am annoying to talk to during football season because every conversation revolves around the Steelers.

Well, you may have heard that the Steelers won the AFC Championship again and are headed to try to win a record 7th Super Bowl in Dallas. Much has been said how the number 7 is spookily inserting itself into this season. Now, I’ve spent a lot of time planning and arranging my life so that I can attend this game live. Last weekend, I was fortunate enough to attend the Championship game in Pittsburgh and I watched dollar after dollar go through my hands for beer, tickets, and meaningless crap.

On the flight home from frigid Pennsylvania, I did the math on how much money I would potentially spend attending this Super Bowl. I was drunk with exuberance for my team and I was willing to do anything to see these guys play for another Lombardi Trophy; however somewhere between drinking the disgusting airline coffee and eating a chicken sandwich that wasn’t made for human consumption, I had a moment of sobriety.

If I were to spend this same money on anything else, do I realize how much an effect it could have on someone else’s life? Really. Some people are wondering how they can cover the costs for food, medical treatment, or just how they can pay for clothes for their kids. Here I am going to the Super Bowl, and the money I am going to spend could help one family in their daily struggle to survive.

With my guilt absorbing me, I wondered what I could do to help. Well the coffee finally kicked in, and I remembered I run a great non-profit that does help people in dire medical situations. The grim image of a family being informed 15 weeks into a pregnancy that they may need to terminate the pregnancy due to a syndrome called TTTS was stuck in my head. I’ve also imagined the dispair for this family, when informed by their health insurance provider, that they would need to pay out of pocket for their own travel expenses to receive treatment. The only hope for these families is to reach out to my friends at Fetal Hope, who can provide them with a wealth of information about their situation. I remembered the same pain I felt when given a similar prognosis and wondered how I would deal with it. Luckily, my family was in a situation where neither money nor access to information was an issue. At the end of the day, I was able to focus on what was important for the survival of my kids rather than wondering how I was going to pay for treatment.

Even with all of this information, money and help, we were only able to save one of my daughter’s lives. I can’t imagine my life without her. I have a hard time imagining a family without means or resources trying to manage this same impossible situation. It’s painful. It’s wrong.

Thus, I weighed what was really important in this world. Attending another Super Bowl, or the simple joy of a mother safely giving birth to a child. That answer is incredibly easy and clear.

After all that, I concocted an idea to help families out as much as possible. If you so desire, you can help too. I’ll even provide an incentive.

I’d like to see if over the course of the next 2 weeks, up until kickoff of the Super Bowl, if we can raise enough money to help at least 7 families. I will personally match dollar for dollar every donation to Climb For Kids that happens over these two weeks.

You may also know that I also have a passing interest in wine, so let me throw another incentive at you. In keeping with the theme of 7, every person who donates $77 or more will be invited to a very special wine event to be held at my house on February 19th where I will open a 7 year vertical of wine from Chateau Montelena starting with 1984 to 1990. To participate in this special event, donate here, and you’ll be automatically invited: http://mat.tk/e8sPaV

I will also put up a bottle of 1975 Chateau Mouton Rothschild up for silent auction. Highest bid that includes the number 7 will walk away with the bottle. In keeping with the Pittsburgh theme, this bottle has original artwork by Pittsburgh native Andy Warhol on the label. The silent auction will end on February 18th, and I will announce the winner at the event. If you want to place a bid on the 1975 Mouton, please send your bid (and include the number 7 in the bid) to info@climbforkids.org

Myron Cope once said the Terrible Towel is just a towel, but in the playoffs it gets mystical powers. TJ Houshmandzadeh should take note and remember that warning. Back in the 2005 AFC playoffs, while he was with Cincinnati, Housh decided to desecrate the icon by cleaning his shoes with a Terrible Towel.

Little did he know that that little incident would come back to haunt him. The curse of the towel is real. The wikipedia entry on the curse has already been updated to include this fabulous drop from TJ when the game was on the line today. It was a very easy reception for the veteran, which would have given the Ravens an opportunity to tie the game, but alas the curse prevailed. Others should heed the warning, “the Terrible Towel is poised to strike”.