Maudie's Meandering Thoughts

Really Meandering

2015-08-10T20:53:00.000-07:00

I have decided to use this blog to talk about my meanderings--daily walks around town. For Christmas this last year my son gave me a day pack and trekking poles with a promise to take me to the back country of Yellowstone and Grand Teton National Parks. At first, it was not a very exciting thought, but I told some friends and they got excited, and I got excited and I got a pair of walking shoes. Now I am walking about five miles a day six days a week.

So, now I will post some pictures, talk about my walks, and tell you my progress. It will truly be a journal of my meanderings. Stay Tuned.

Today I'm Sally Rand

2013-05-23T19:41:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted on this blog for a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time. Since I've posted here, I've had a couple of major surgeries, five minor procedures, countless CT scans, and right now, I'm halfway through a series of radiation treatments. Life has a way of intervening. I think since I've posted here, my son graduated from college and moved to Idaho Falls to do a job he can't tell me about, my daughter has moved to Alabama to do two jobs and go back to school. She's also been to Africa and is about to go to Peru. So, why am I Sally Rand, you ask? Every day as I go for my radiation treatments, I have to give my name and date of birth. I decided to borrow names because mine got boring in my own ears. My first one was that great Irish Poet Ann O'Nymous, she's my favorite, and her writings are many and varied. From there, I've ranged all over the place. One day last week, I was Ethel Mertz, and my technician had no idea who she was. The radiologist in charge of my case had to school the young man about Ethel. So now, it's a game--stump the radio-technician. This week, I was Lucy Van Pelt, and the poor Tech had no clue about her either. He had to google her. So he comes back to me with Patricia Reichardt, who everyone knows is Peppermint Patty. Today I was Sally Rand, an obscure name for the Millenial Generation, but I was feeling frisky, and Sally fit the bill. I got a new hair cut, and even though I have shingles, I wasn't in too much pain. What's my point? There is no going through cancer without humor. Cancer can be called one of the worst times in a person's life, and peace can be hard to come by without knowing Jesus Christ. I saw this sign in the lab where I get my blood work done, and I asked the technician how much she'd collect in a day and she said, "I'd never have to work again." I don't understand the mentality that allows us to be grouchy or irritable toward people who are only trying to help. I set the tone for the people helping me, and they respond in kind to me. Smiles are free, hugs are restorative, and laughs are priceless. It's time to lift someone's spirits and the spirits to lift are your own.

You Are Lively and Courageous

You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous.
You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things.
Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily.
You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind.
A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable.

You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life.
You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip.
People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them.

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.
You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Blogthings: We Have a Quiz for Almost Everything

A Poet?

2011-02-22T15:32:00.000-08:00

Daddy would have said that I was a poet, but didn't know it, but my feet show it, they're longfellows. Now that you have had your daily groan, I'll move on to the reason for this poetical post.

I am studying "Jesus the One and Only," by Beth Moore with the ladies of my church and a few others as well. We are up to the point where Jesus is sleeping in the boat while the Sea of Galilee rages around the disciples who weren't anywhere near asleep.

We have the privilege of seeing the end from the beginning on this situation. The disciples are in fear for their very lives and Jesus is asleep in the bottom of the boat. They don't understand God's plan, that Jesus wouldn't die an anonymous death like that, that His sacrifice would be public and demoralizing for all of them. Anyway, the situation recounted there inspired this bit of "no rules" poetry.

In the boat with Jesus Christ
While waves rise up
And winds whip and roar
The mast is rocking side to side
And He sleeps.

In the boat with Jesus Christ
The sails are torn by the winds
The waves splash water in the boat
We sceam in fear of sinking
And He slumbers.

Our urgency and emergency
Cause us to to act without thinking
To panic in unbelief
We can't believe He's sleeping
When death we are facing
And winds keep our heart racing

Wake up! Wake up! Lord
Don't you see we are dying?
My child, even though the storm rages
And you cannot see where you are going
Don't you see I am with you?
And I won't lose the way.
Be still, you waves.
Be quiet, winds.
Be still, my child
And know that I am here. © February 22, 2011

Book Blog Post

2010-12-12T21:59:00.000-08:00

It's not everyday that a fluffy book (read that fiction) will cause me to write a whole post about it, but I read a book today (only 76 pages long) that caused me to sit back and think. The book is Holding Heaven by Jerry Jenkins. It's about more than just the birth of Christ but I won't tell you all that it encompasses. In the beginning of the book Joseph is telling Jesus His story. At the end of the book Jesus is telling Joseph the end of the story. One line will stick with me for a long time to come. "[We] are powerless in the face of God's will." There is nothing else I can say about this.

A Painful Walk Down Memory Lane

2010-12-08T14:51:00.000-08:00

A year ago my mother had been diagnosed with a tumor the size of a tennis ball in her brain. I was making preparations to go and help out as soon as I could. A year ago I was waiting to hear her prognosis and figuring out what life was going to be like for a while.

Last week I heard Lysa TerKeurst on Positive Life Radio talking about a Bible College Chancellor who was stepping down from his post to take care of his ailing wife. Her health had been at issue for a while, but it was coming down to a point of need for more intensive care from him. His attitude was that he didn't HAVE to take care of his wife, he GOT to take care of his wife. It was a privilege.

So I looked back to a year ago, when I was planning to go help my mother--not because I had to, but because I got to. Now, let me tell you, I am sad, there are days I still cry, Mama is gone. She lasted ten weeks from diagnosis to death of her earthly body. It was hard, it is still painful at times--even more so because my husband lost his father this year as well. But I can still look back with a bit of light showing through to see how privileged I was to take care of my mother in her waning days. It's worthy of thanksgiving, and it's worthy of praise. Amen and Amen

Random Randomness

2010-11-18T13:08:00.000-08:00

I recently visited a church and had people come up to me and say, "I'm so glad you are here today." Then they walk off and never give me another thought. No one thought to ask my name, introduce themselves, or inquire into my life.

At this church visit, I watched the gamut of worship--full out abandon to staid participation. I've decided to ramp up my worship--God is worth it!

I have some more thoughts but they are over there ---------> and I am here X. I fell taking out the garbage a few minutes ago and I just don't want to get up. =)

Waiting

2010-11-07T20:31:00.000-08:00

It seems that I am not the only one who is waiting on God to reveal what He has in store. This week I had a talk with my son who said he was waiting on God to show him what's next for him. He said everything is a struggle right now and that all he could think of is that God is preparing him for something new.

Later this week, I had lunch with my former boss who said that she's in a place of peaceful waiting for what God is going to do in her life next.

All three of us have come to the decision that waiting for God and His timing is just fine. I'll just have a glass of tea while I wait.

That Quilt

2010-10-31T21:58:00.000-07:00

The quilt top is finished. I don't have my camera with me because I sent it with my husband to Arizona. Soooooooooooooo there are no pictures.

Back to the husband in Arizona, he's there on a short term missions trip sponsored by my church through Mission Discovery. The destination of the trip is Hard Rock, AZ, the Navaho Global Mission (I think--I could be wrong here). My husband's specific job on this ministry is to build a stock fence around the church's cemetary to keep cattle out. After that, he is driving over to Texas to do some clean up at his dad's house to get it ready to sell in order to settle his dad's estate. So, he took my camera and my luggage with him. I am flying down next week to help in this endeavor and I sent my luggage ahead to pare down the cost of flying. Sooooooooooooo pictures will come as soon as I get a camera back!

Waiting, Fighting, and Praying

2010-10-15T18:28:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about this post for a while. I have a bit of a headache right now, so I am not sure how coherent my thoughts will be, but I hope that you'll be able to follow my meanderings.

I went to my oncologist this week with a pre-conceived notion of what would happen there. I knew that there would be changes in my medical protocol or treatment, or in my tumors. I knew that something would be different. BUT it wasn't. No changes in tumors, no changes in treatment, no offerings of anything different. I thought I was prepared for anything that might come my way but I don't think I was prepared to hear that there were no changes in my tumors.

Now I am sure you are wondering where I am going with this and I am not sure I have all the words I need to make myself clear, but hang tight. I'll get there eventually.

This particular appointment had been a matter of prayer for me and several of my friends. To see that doing nothing was an answer for prayer was a bit disconcerting to me. I want to feel like I am doing something, that I am fighting this evil thing that lives in me. And sometimes my monthly injection doesn't feel like I am doing much. This morning as I was working through my Bible Study and my morning devotions, the thought hit me, I am not fighting cancer, but I am fighting principalities and powers and I do not war --- well, let me let Paul tell you how I am fighting: 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. 5We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,..... So now I see what God is telling me. I AM fighting, I am doing all that I need to do and I need to wait on Him. So I pray as I wait, and I wait as I pray, but in the meantime, life goes on and I need to live it for Him.

Random Randomness

2010-09-23T20:18:00.000-07:00

I have been remiss with keeping up with my blog, since I got hooked into Facebook. It's insidious.

But, I digress.

I am working on a quilt for my daughter (graph shown below). Today I reached the halfway point on putting it together. The harder half is coming, but every square is a prayer for her to find the center of God's will for her life.

Waiting..........

2010-09-15T20:39:00.000-07:00

I had an appointment with my oncologist's physician's assistant on Monday and she confirmed that my disease is progressing. So I wait till I can have my CT scan in October and find out how much I am progressing. I wait to see what my new protocol will be and what treatment options are open for me.

In the meantime, the Lord is faithful to me--once again "my" verse came to me this week. He reminds me that my peace is found in Him when my mind stays on Him (Isaiah 26:3). I will update as soon as I can.

Today's Quotable

2010-08-13T11:47:00.000-07:00

Oh! How great and glorious a thing it is to have before one the Word of God! With that we may at all times feel joyous and secure; we need never be in want of consolation for we see before us, in all its brightness, the pure and right way.

Martin Luther, I think

Randomness

2010-08-01T13:27:00.000-07:00

In ten more posts, I'll have my 300th post. I may have to do something special about that. Not sure what, but I'll think about it.

I have had the most emotionally stressful week of my life. People I thought I could trust proved themselves untrustworty and others that I care about were hurt indescribably. I also finished a job that I've had for twelve years. We went out of business. I have things I need to do but I haven't had the energy to do them. I am hoping this will allow me to accomplish a few things. I am going to be filing for Social Security Disability.

Life never stands still, it moves on.

Life--One Way or Another It Goes On

2010-07-22T11:41:00.000-07:00

I had an appointment with my oncologist on Tuesday. It was a highly productive meeting of minds which always makes me feel cared for.

Because my job is ending on the 30th of this month, my doctor said she will help me file for disability. I won't by any stretch be bringing in as much money as I would be while I am working, but it's something. I am hoping that I will have energy to tackle some projects at home that I don't have now. My daughter needs a quilt, I need to make curtains and do some rearranging. I need to do a good spring cleaning.

My doctor also mentioned a clinical trial she thought I could get into. It would not change my treatment protocol except for adding one of two medications to see if the combination would alleviate my symptoms. My tumors have grown somewhat and I do have a few more tumors to deal with--actually I won't deal with them, they just come along for the ride wherever I am going.

This year my husband and I have planned our 30th anniversary getaway again, since it'll be 32 years we have been married. It is our second attempt to try this particular trip, but I am excited to go on this trip. We will be going to Mt St Helens, taking a helicopter trip over the crater, taking in all three visitors centers and generally just hanging out. I was hoping to get my husband a climbing permit, but that didn't work out this time.

So there is the nutshell of my life, and I am the nut who lives it.

Songs for My Heart

2010-07-14T09:38:00.000-07:00

I have been listening to a Christian Music radio station in my car as I go to and from work or while I run errands. And it hit me yesterday that something I miss in music is a depth of theology. It could be just what this particular station is playing, but I am missing something that takes me deep in reflection, deep in desire for God's presence, deep in touching my soul. This is not to say that there isn't a time and place for the light things of this world; it's just that sometimes I need to really be challenged with what I hear, what I read, what I meditate on. I guess this is the stage where I am at the moment. I once heard a speaker say that if you don't like the music you are hearing, be blessed because someone else is blessed. But if you DO like the music you are hearing, be blessed. So I will accept this blessing from God and still seek the depth I am looking for.

Fountain Pens

2010-07-12T16:56:00.000-07:00

I have started a journal--sort of, but I have found I absolutely LOVE fountain pens for writing with. I love to hear the skritch of the pen on the paper, I love the way the ink looks on the paper, and I love the way they feel in my hands. I have letters my grandmother wrote with fountain pens and I feel like her words have a deeper meaning, that she weighed her words with the weight of the pen in her hand. I have things my mother wrote in fountain pen--especially in shorthand that I cannot read! but those things have a deeper meaning coming from the well of ink in the pen and the well of knowledge Mama had.

I have also found that fountain pens resonate within me through the words of this verse of the hymn The Love of God:

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade;
To write the love of God above
Would drain the ocean dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

What Bad Luck; What Good Luck

2010-07-10T21:38:00.000-07:00

Personally I don't believe in luck in and of itself, but I have a paradox happening in my life. The store where I work is going out of business. This means I'll lose my job, I'll lose my "play money" and I'll lose the constant contact with friends I dearly love. This is all sad.

BUT in the meantime, I have plans for that time. Between being chronically (yet mildly according to my oncologist) ill, losing my mother, and general all-around fatigue, I don't have energy for some of the activities I'd like to do. First, I have been asked to make a quilt for my daughter. It will be quite an undertaking, but if it comes out like I think it should, it will be breath-taking. I have cleaning and organizing to do in my house. I need to sort and divide and conquer the piles of clutter everywhere. I need to take piles of things to the thrift store. I have books to read, books to sell (ish--I have joined Paperback Swap) and things to learn. I want to relearn my high school shorthand and I want to learn to draw, learn to journal--better than I am doing now, and I want to write the love story of my parents. I also want to do some cooking that I just don't have energy for now.

So you see, it's a bad thing, good thing type thing.

Today's Quotable Prayer

2010-07-02T09:26:00.000-07:00

Lord, whose Spirit is so good and so gentle . . . grant that I may conform to Thy will, just as I am, that, being sick as I am, I may glorify Thee in my sufferings . . . unite my will with Thine and my sufferings with those Thou hast suffered; grant that mine may become Thine. Unite me with Thee. . . . And thus, having some small part in Thy suffering I shall be filled wholly by Thee with the glory which it has brought to Thee, the glory in which Thou dost dwell with the Father and the Holy Spirit, forever and ever. Amen

Blaise Pascall

Legacies or Torches or Both

2010-06-28T11:26:00.000-07:00

My mother prayed. She couldn't walk well and she was always in pain, but she passed a legacy of prayer to me, except that it's not just a legacy. This morning I was reading a book on journaling--a practice I need to pick up--and a comment was made on listening to God--that if He speaks, it's not for His own amusement, but for us to take action on what He's telling us.

Well, here's what came to me. Mama prayed for many people and now that she's gone, no one has really stepped up to take her place. It's sad that it took me almost six months to come to realize that her legacy was really a torch--and one that I need to pick up and carry on for her. I almost let the light of her torch go out but I have been given the assignment by God to pick up her torch and pray. Now that the torch is in my hands I have to make it my own. I can't be Mama. She was one of a kind, BUT I too am one of a kind and I can be me. So now, I pray.

Oops, I Really Didn't Mean It

2010-06-27T11:47:00.000-07:00

I had a bit of a Job moment last night. My daughter was handed some bad news and it broke her heart. My first thought was, "How much more can we stand to lose?" That was pretty close to a Why-Me moment. This year has been a year of losses and I have another one coming down the pike. I am losing my job later this summer.

Now that I have had time to reflect (including the time I didn't sleep last night) I am coming to understand that these things are being taken away to make room for something better, I just have to wait for it. It seems like a lot of turmoil in the meantime.

So I am asking and receiving God's forgiveness for looking at myself first and not looking to Him. That's my story and I am sticking to it.

Thank You to Everyone Who Made This Possible

2010-06-23T10:32:00.000-07:00

Sounds like I am accepting an Oscar, but truly, I am accepting my situation, such as it is. I found out in April that my tumors have spread, I now have lymph node involvement, and I have a tumor behind my lung. I have pain in my ribs that the medication I have been taking for the last six years can no longer cover. BUT I am not writing this to complain--I am just accepting the facts of my life as it is today.

I am also accepting of the fact that had I not been gifted with this particular malady, I would not be in the position that I am in right now with God. This is not to say I am in perfect standing--I am not. But I am drawing closer to God, I am learning more of Him, of His love, and I am gaining in understanding of His purposes for my life. So I am thanking Him for allowing me this opportunity that I might not have taken had I not been so gifted.

You know, there are more people to thank in this. There is my Church Life Group who uphold me in prayer constantly, there is my family who stand beside me, there are my friends who are able to ask how I am and understand that if I say I am okay, that's good enough, and they also ask how I am expecting the truth, not the glossed over lacquered version of what I tell people who don't know me well.

There is also my doctor who cares for me in ways I never anticipated--she listens, she counsels, and she doesn't just throw her prescription pad at me.

So to everyone who made this possible, thank you.

Faith

2010-05-14T23:24:00.000-07:00

I've had a couple of posts about faith recently. In my readings, I've come across some very interesting ideas, but this one takes the cake. We know from studying our Bibles that there is no way to please God without faith. But the 2 x 4 that knocked me upside the head this week is that God gives us the faith required to please Him with. That was a rather convoluted sentence. So let me put this another way. We can't please God on our own, and we can't please God without faith, so how do we get the faith to please God? He gives it to us! Why? So we can please Him. It's an incredible thought! He knows our own efforts are useless, but He wants us to know His pleasure, so He provides what it takes. And He supplies that very need out of His RICHES in glory.

As Popeye would say, "Well, Blow me down!"

Caring for Caregivers

2010-05-13T12:52:00.000-07:00

I have had this post on my mind for some time. I still don't have all my thoughts distilled to perfection, but here goes:

For seven of my mother's last ten weeks, I was at her bedside missing only two days due to weather. I experienced some incredible thoughtfulness as well as a few wishes.

I happened to miss Christmas with my own family, but a couple of Mama's friends brought Christmas gifts to me, because they thought Santa couldn't find me so far from home. Mama spent Christmas day in ICU, but I was visited by several friends of my parents who all asked after my well being. Some churches in the area brought a meal for the families of ICU patients--a ham, rolls, salads, the whole shebang. Another church brought goodie bags for family members as well--cracker snacks, sweet snacks, nuts, little things like that.

I got phone calls by the dozens from Mama's friends and family--and they weren't just asking about Mama, but about me as well. I can't begin to catalog the notes and emails I got as well. It's amazing how people come around you in these situations. It is impossible to put a value on the prayers offered in my behalf during that time. I held up much better than I ever thought I would because of them.

Here are some things you can do if you know someone who is caring for an ill family member:

1. Offer to take them out to dinner or fix a meal for them. This is exhausing work and dealing with meals is the last thing on this person's mind.

2. Fix a care package of snack crackers, small candies, nut packets, raisins or fruit. That quick pick-me-up can be invaluable.

3. Find out what they like to read and bring a book to them. I had a stash of books with me, but not everyone does or has time to shop for a book to read. Sometimes a puzzle book works well too.

4. Take a DVD of a movie they have been wanting to see.

5. Give them some quarters for the vending machines.

6. Pray for them--always. They need this more than you know.

I know there are more things you can do, but this is a start and hopefully will help you brainstorm your own ideas. You can get ideas here as well.

Fear vs Faith

2010-04-30T11:10:00.000-07:00

The book I am involved with right now is The Traveler's Gift by Andy Andrews (He is a guest speaker this year for the Eastern US Women of Faith Conferences). I won't give away the story, but each chapter has a spiritual application and a deep thought. The chapter I read this morning was about the "could have beens" in life and how fear keeps us from receiving blessings that could have been ours but we quit praying too soon. He describes fear and faith as being the same thing with different outcomes--fear dreads the future, faith hopes for the future. Faith culminates in rewards--we will eventually see what we have hoped for. I don't have my notes with me right now, but I will add more to this later on today.

Later on (actually Sunday):

It's amazing what I remember when I don't think I do. This was actually the gist of the chapter--fear dreads what may come, faith hopes for will come. Fear's dread keeps us in an insane cylce, while faith rewards us for our continuing to hope. Fear keeps us away from Jesus, while faith allows us to grasp onto His garment. Part of this came from the sermon I heard this morning, but it still all fits.

In all this comes a decision--do I want to live in fear, or will I live in faith?

Randomness

2010-04-26T15:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an awesome Sunday at church. It was Compassion Sunday and we had a speaker with personal experience and had even made a trip to Uganda to see his sponsored child. The worship was incredible.

Today I had a visit with my oncologist. She gave me the Radiologist's report of my tumors and low and behold, I have more of them! But she said there were no significant changes! One of my tumors has grown nearly an inch! I am feeling quite exclamatory!

Now I am eating popcorn and an apple before I go swim.

I think I have covered randomness for today