I knew I’d love being a dad, but it’s 100 times more amazing than I ever imagined

I find myself constantly amazed by the wonder and inquisitiveness of my daughter Zoe. As the father of a 19 month old, I am most amazed by the deep understanding and knowledge that precedes language acquisition. She knows so much, but can’t yet verbally express all that is going on inside her head.

For example, the week before Zoe celebrated her first birthday, we got her a cupcake to “practice” for her birthday party. Like the good parents that we are, we wanted to make sure that she knew what to do when we crowded 30 excited people around her high chair singing happy birthday. We lit the candle and told her to “blow it out.” At first, she put her hand to her mouth to blow a kiss. Then, we told her to instead “blow on it like it was hot.” And she did that instead. She immediately demonstrated the difference between the two definitions of the same word. And yet at the time, she could barely utter the word “da-da.”

In the past six months as she has gotten older, I am, on the one hand, in awe of her curiosity for the world around her, and on the other hand, terrified as she learns the difference between right and wrong. What was once a playful act has recently turned into a malicious decision to do something that “she is not supposed to do.” As she opens a drawer that she is not supposed to open, climbs on a box, or picks up a dangerous object, she chants “no, no, no” alerting me that she is well aware that this is something that she should not be doing.

While I have only a year and a half of experience as a parent, I have picked up a thing or two that are worth sharing before I forget everything I have just learned. These are important pieces of guidance for new or would-be-fathers that will help you as you sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride:

1. For the first two months, just live in the moment. Enjoy each minute, each hour, and each day because the time spent with your kids is as precious as they are. For the first 48 hours, remember to count the hours. These hours will soon turn into days and weeks and months. I don’t have years yet, but my months will eventually turn into years. Besides, if you think that you’re going to remember any of this time in the beginning, you’re very misguided. Neither you, nor your spouse, will be getting enough sleep to form any memories during the early days (you’ll know what I mean once you get some REM sleep in a few months). Therefore, you might as well just enjoy the experience and live in the moment!

2. There are no right answers to parenting. You have to figure out what works for you and your spouse when it comes to parenting. While the worst thing that can happen is that you cause long-term damage resulting in years of unnecessary therapy for your child, the short-term consequences are relatively minor. As long as your kid doesn’t fall from a height much taller than they are or discover that she loves the taste of your dime-sized ninja throwing stars, parenting is relatively intuitive and self-explanatory. Child development moves at a pace that is predictable and methodical. While the behaviors may occasionally seem illogical and nonsensical, you’ll soon find out that was because you made the mistake of thinking you’ve “figured it out.”

3. Everyone else’s parenting seems a little strange. Since you have to figure out what works for you, the parenting practices of others never make sense. Why would they let their child sleep in their bed every night? Why don’t they put their child to be earlier than midnight? Why do they only feed their baby tofu and frozen cabbage for dinner? Is it true that refusing eye contact make your child love you more? At the end of the day, who cares? It’s not your responsibility to worry about their parenting unless it impacts your life, and more importantly, it’s therapeutic for you to feel like your crazy parenting practices are absolutely normal.

4. At some point, your spouse will ask you to do something irrational, and that’s okay, you just need to be there to support her in her temporary insanity. While you may feel the need to solve every problem that arises in a logical way and comfort your spouse regardless of the situation, there will come a time when logic no longer works. She will ask you to turn on the oven to warm the baby’s diapers to help the baby latch more effectively. You will think she is insane – and, in this moment, she is. You will say, “I’ll take care of it, honey” and you will just walk towards the kitchen with the diapers pretending to turn on the oven. She’ll come around in the morning, but for now, just pretend to do as your “told” to support her in this time of need.

5. Don’t take the advice of anyone that is more than two months away from your child’s current age. I wasn’t sure this was true until I was trying to give advice to someone having a baby when my kid was just learning to walk – I realized that all of my current examples were irrelevant and my memories were too old and vague to be useful. Fortunately, I have been building my list of useful tips and tricks to share with my future self as my wife is due with our second child – a baby boy – in April. I am sharing the best of what I have to offer with you before it’s lost.

6. Once you think you’ve figured it out, it all changes. Invariably, every time we congratulate ourselves for being good parents, everything is different the following week. Expectation leads to anticipation, which leads to disappointment. Just go along for the ride. Enjoy the nights that you get 6-8 hours of sleep. Embrace the times where your parenting appears to be working. Relish the firsts of everything no matter how mundane.

7. You’re not a good parent because you have a good kid. It’s easy to take credit for your saintly child, but the reality is that some babies are, in fact, more well-behaved than others. This is entirely out of your control and it has nothing to do with you. I’ll give you a pat on the back, but you don’t deserve it. As I suggested above, just go along for the ride

8. The apple is still on the tree. The philosophies are flawed that believe that your 1 month old understands the nuances of the world better than your 30 plus years of experience on this planet. You’ll see that tough love does work for getting your child to sleep through the night at 5-6 weeks. Children that whine will stop whining when they forget why they were whining in the first place. You are in control and know far better what is important than your newly minted human. Besides, you created the apple in your image and you earned the opportunity to mold it into the apple it deserves to be when it grows up.

9. Size does not matter. While you might want to compete with other parents that have a child that is off the charts or well-proportioned. The difference between 20% and 80% is a matter of a few ounces or a few inches. Your child will find a height and weight that are just right and it’s not your fault that she did not drink that extra ounce of milk or pooped before the three-month check-up. But if your child’s head circumference is too small, well, you’ve got a problem.

10. Fatherhood is 100 times more amazing than you imagine it will be. While you know that it’s going to be awesome, it far exceeds the expectations. Once you have a child, you are connected to the seemingly infinite continuum of humanity. You are able to appreciate your purpose on this Earth in a truly amazing new way. You are part of the circle of life, in your corner of the world, in this time and place. And you are now in charge of a tiny human that loves you back unconditionally before she can even smile. These are heady times, which is why it’s okay to be a little heady. Enjoy being a dad because you’re on the hook for the rest of your days, pop!

Discovering Your Passion and Your Purpose was supposed to be an exploratory, outside-the-box exercise so that you can not only playback your personal highlight reel, but also remember what it felt like. Bringing back those memories should provide you with energy and excitement. It’s always a good way to rejuvenate yourself by reliving your personal highlight reel and sharing stories from the past (even if just with yourself).

Now, it’s time to turn those moments and memories into an actionable set of qualities that will help you hone your passion.

1. Go back and re-read what you wrote in the previous exercise (or listen to what you said or have the person you spoke with tell you what they heard).

2. Write down any of the key words and phrases that reflect the essence of those moments. The goal is to find words and phrases that represent who you are when you are at your peak. You are looking for characteristics, qualities, positive attributes, feelings, attitudes, beliefs, viewpoints, etc. (These words do not have to be perfect because ultimately, you’re going to re-phrase them, but they have to really get to the heart of why THIS moment or THIS experience is the one that was transformational)

3. Once you have your initial list of words and phrases, go back to your list and restate the phrases to give them a more accurate meaning that represents your passion. Some of them may be fine the way they are.

Are you still with me? Let me give you an example. I wrote the following blog post just over five years ago depicting one of the highlights of my hotel career when I was the Assistant Front Office Manager working at The Colonnade Hotel on a sold-out night: http://www.maxwoolf.com/a-night-among-nights/

Just re-reading the post again makes me nauseated and excited in the same instant. It brings me back to one of the very first times that I was truly at my peak professionally; I had such a clear picture of how the flow of business would be the next day that I was ready to dominate every minute of my 12+ hour shift. If you just read it, you might be asking, so, how do we take this tirade and turn into something actionable?

Here’s my list: (the words in parentheses are restating the words or phrases to provide a better representation that describe my passion in that moment)

1. Achieve the highest level of guest satisfaction (Excellence & Customer Service)

2. Successful navigation (Success & Big Picture)

3. Mastering the art of hotel management (Operations Management)

4. Problem Solving

5. You know exactly what is going on at all times (Awareness)

6. Work with what you’ve got (Living in the Moment)

7. Zeal

8. Charisma

9. Energy

10. Mentored (Continuous Learning and Improvement)

11. Managing chaos (Project Management & Problem Solving)

12. Just let it go…and be…that’s the only way to live… (In the Flow & Effortless)

For me, this list describes many of the reasons why I was so passionate about this business as well as qualities that made it truly exciting. Out of what may originally have seemed like a tirade, I was able to pull together a list of words that reflect my passions.

1. Excellence

2. Customer Service

3. Success

4. Big Picture

5. Operations Management

6. Problem Solving

7. Awareness

8. Living in the Moment

9. Zeal

10. Charisma

11. Energy

12. Continuous Learning and Improvement

13. Project Management

14. In the Flow

15. Effortless

Now that I have this list, I have a set of criteria that will begin to more clearly define my passion. This will provide me with a way to evaluate any new prospective job opportunities based on a set of characteristics from when I am at my peak. These are qualities that I can now use to make a real comparison of who I am when I am at my best.

If you go through all of the different peak experiences, you’ll find that you are able to pull together a list of 25-30 qualities, from which you can pare it down to the ones that make the most sense for you. Many of the qualities will come up multiples times (as they should) because they are representative of who you are.

Once again, I hope that you found this exercise useful and helpful. Now that we have a more actionable list, we have to take the next step: “Evaluating Your True Passion (Part 3)”

I know that many people (myself included) advocate for job and career seekers to discover their passion and find their purpose.  I know from personal experience that this is something that is very easy to say and very difficult to do.  It is daunting because for most of us, ironically, it involves a lot of self-exploration, soul-searching, pushing our own buttons, answering the tough questions, and holding ourselves accountable.

There is also a significant amount of risk involved with truly following our passion because what if we fail at what we love to do?  Similarly, finding your purpose in life creates its own conundrum:  If you’ve found your purpose, what next?  The point is: It’s difficult, it’s scary, it’s a challenge, and that’s what life is all about!

If you’ve ever spoken to people who have truly discovered their passion and found their purpose, you know how happy, confident, and successful they are.  They are being driven from within by an intrinsic satisfaction and sense of self-worth that is in perfect alignment with who they are, which means that they are manifesting success simply by living their lives.

Sounds pretty enviable, right?  So, what are you going to do about it?

This multi-part blog series is going to help us answer the million dollar question: What is my passion and what is my purpose?

1. Let’s start by defining passion.

• Passion is something that you do with zest, ardor, and excitement.
• Passion is the fire that burns within.
• Passion is doing what feels right and makes sense.
• Passion is who you are on a deeper more spiritual level.
• Passion is the curiosity to keep digging when you’ve reached the bottom.
• Passion is timeless and effortless, while also being something that you pursue tirelessly with all your might.

Do any or all of those definitions resonate with you?  (They might not, if you’re passionate about language, metaphors, euphemisms, and word-smithing, you might keep searching for that perfect word that suits your passion for language).  The important piece right now is for you to begin to develop your own image of what passion is (or might look like) so that you know what it is when you find it.

2. Now that we have defined it, we’re going to jump right into finding it.

Are you ready?  Seriously, are you ready?  This is where the real work begins—the fun and the excitement!

In order to begin this exercise, you’re going to need something to record or share your thoughts.  This could be a notebook, a laptop, an audio recorder, a friend, a parent, or a colleague.  Ideally, it works best with someone or something that can serve as a mirror for who you truly are in a non-judgmental, supportive way.

This is going to be an exercise to explore who you are in your most successful, your most influential, your most transformative, your must enlightening and your most inspiring moments.  I want you to read this list of questions to spark your creative energy through a discussion, journal entry, blog, or recording:

• Describe a time in your life when you felt most successful, most inspired, and most influential.
• Describe a moment or series of moments when you were achieving greatness in any aspect of your life.  Think about what you would put in your personal highlight reel if your life was played back to you today recapping the most powerful moments of your life.
• Describe a time in your life that was transformative – a moment that occurred and you acknowledged that things could never go back to the way that used to be after this event, conversation, or thought.

While you are doing this exercise, describe how you were feeling, what emotions were going through your head, what did other people say about you, why was it so moving, what made it successful, why was it inspiring, how was it influential, why do you remember it?  Remember, this is in your entire life, whether it was in a relationship, in a sport, in school, or by yourself.  You could have manifested this physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually.  The key is to just let your creativity flow!  Don’t censor or judge, just express yourself!

I hope that you found this exercise useful and helpful.  I’ll be back to help you transfer this glimpse of your passion into something actionable to help you take the next step.  Check Out: “Honing Your Passion (Part 2)“

The search for the soul is found by experiencing the newness of life in the fleeting moments of the present.

It sometimes amazes me how infrequently we take time out of our “busy schedules” to just be.  It is so easy to get caught up in all of the trials and tribulations of life that we forget to enjoy the peace and tranquility of a moment.

I have felt rushed lately.  Busy with lots of things to do, yet feeling like I am accomplishing nothing.  It’s quite a frustrating feeling because it means that time is passing and I am doing, but rarely am I stopping to just be.

The irony is that it takes less than a second to bring me back to the place that I can find this comfort and solace.  I simply need to take a deep breath, place my feet on the ground, look with the right kind of eyes, listen to the wind, smell the freshly cut grass, or gently run my hands under the faucet.  All of those actions are simple in and of themselves, but most of the time I am not fully present while I am engaging in them.

When I am rushing to get out of the house because I am late for an appointment, I seldom notice that I am running my hands under cold water or that I am running toothbrush over my teeth.  As I jog to the car, I disregard where I am stepping or what it feels like for my rubber soles on the concrete path.  While I am driving from my house to the coffee shop, I watch the road and check the mirrors, but I am only looking at what is not there rather than what is.  When I feel the cool of the air from the open car windows, I don’t notice the smell or sounds of the world around unless they are pungent or annoyingly loud.

All this is to say: There is more to life than the semi-conscious reality in which we sometimes find ourselves trapped.  The busy schedules, impossible to-do lists, and litany of meetings cause our minds to be a-twitter.  And although we yearn for constant connectedness, it is not the way to live life fully, rather simply a way to live life.  We may seem to know all that is going on around us, but what do we really know?

I recently suggested to a friend travelling abroad that the search for the soul is found by experiencing the newness of life in the fleeting moments of the present. I too am about to embark on a journey to Prague and I relish the opportunity to live in this state.  I yearn for the mystique of a new land and new sights.   I am eager to explore a new world with new eyes.

And yet, it has been in the preparation for this trip that I have found the same feeling of excitement here at home.  I have discovered the very excitement and allure in my own backyard – literally.

This past weekend, we decided to just stay at home and enjoy the fruits of our own community.  On Friday, we dined at Chez Albert in Amherst center, which we have been meaning to try for quite a while, on Sunday morning, we biked from Amherst to Northampton on the bike path, and on Sunday afternoon we took shelter in our new hammock.

In this breath of fresh air, we discovered the same aliveness, excitement and expansiveness that one finds exploring new lands.  Except, it was not new, it was just the right kind of eyes and attitude that made it feel different.  It’s certainly not an indescribable feeling; in fact, I’d venture to say it’s one that we all know very, very well. The difference, however, is that we rarely notice due to the speed at which we live our lives. We rarely take the time to appreciate the simple pleasures and the pleasurable simplicity that we call home.

The challenge I put to you is to be present and aware in the everyday activities of brushing your teeth, starting your car, brewing your coffee, and living your life.  Because there you will find what you have been searching for and the search will go on…

Here I am, present; I am in the process of searching right now for the essence of my being.  You need not wait for me to travel to find you again.

I am here…

I am searching…

And the present, or shall I say presence, is you…

“Contemplative practice makes perfect”

I have been practicing yoga a few days a week for the past month.  It is not only increasing my flexibility and physical well-being, but also transforming my mental awareness.  Yoga is transforming how I live my life by showing me how to Live at the Edge.

All too often, I am lost in my mind.  I am not paying attention to the road in front of me, the people around me, or even the very act of what I am doing.  Just now, walking to my office, I slipped on the second to last step and spilled my tea all over the carpet because I was pondering what I was going to write.  It served as a scalding wake-up call that I need to be more conscious, and the stain on the rug will be as an ongoing reminder.

My mind frequently wanders off leaving me and my body behind.  My mind is desperately trying to grasp the future or longingly wishing to relive the past; seeking to understand the big picture of life by discovering the next right answer or re-hashing the past to avoid facing the same old challenges.  Yet with every attempt, I leave the moment behind and the big picture fades away, challenges mount and limitations draw near.

Stop.

Breathe in.

Pause.

Exhale out.

Did you feel the pause?  The moment just after you took a deep breath in and just before you exhaled.  If you didn’t breathe, go back and try it and this time notice that graceful moment of truth.

That is the present.  That is the moment.  In fact, you could call it the present moment, but the second you do that, you’re in the past.  The challenge is to gently ebb and flow and honor the moment.  To honor ourselves and where we are right now without needing to express it.  To just, be.  To Live at the Edge of Life.

Most of the time, I spend my day analyzing life—living somewhere inside my head and inside my box of possibilities.  During yoga, however, I let myself escape.  I am able to bring myself from my head into my body.  I am able to feel the very fiber of my being as I twist and contort my shoulder blades back onto my heart and let my spine stretch long.  I can feel the crown of my head float gently upwards towards the sky as my sacrum settles down into the Earth.  It’s almost as if I am cradled by the moment because my curiosity allows me to find that presence.

Being a novice at yoga helps me maintain this state of being.  I have no expectations of where I am going.  I am simply waiting for the next suggestion from the teacher for how to be.  And as I ride my breath from one pose to the next, I am able to coast in the present for most of the hour.  When the poses get difficult or my body gets tired, my mind gets involved and all of the fears and expectations creep back into my practice.  But as I gently breathe and feel my body again, I am able to ease back into the practice as I turn my focus back to the mat and my breath.

This practice is transformational. And yoga is changing my life.  It allows me to find a place that feels so natural and so right by being present in my body.  The great part about yoga is that it almost always feels strangely awkward and uncomfortable yet I am comfortable with all that I am feeling.  Moving my body into the awkwardness makes it that much more okay.  I am able to detach from the mind and become aware of so much more.  As I hold a stretch beyond what my mind feels is reasonable or acceptable, I am stretching to a new level of possibility.  I am reaching to a place of serenity and grace that is found within the core of my being.

Just imagining these moments brings a smile to my face and more joy to my life.  Yoga is propelling me to the edge of my box by grounding me in the moment.  I am Living at the Edge by gently reminding myself that I do not need to look any further than within my body.  I am constantly reminded by the gentle expansion of my chest and the soft vibrations of my heart.

This is the Edge…and it feels great.  And more than great, sometimes it even feels perfect!

“…la vie est un magnifique endroit d’etre!”

As I sit here on a lazy Friday afternoon with my feet up in front of my wood stove, I can sense something special in the air. I inhale a deep breath of life. The smell of freshly burning wood on a crisp winter day reminds me just how special this moment is: Life is a magnificent place to be!

* * *

It was some time towards the end of June when I decided it was time to stop worrying about all of the doom and gloom and naysayers out there. I decided to let go of all of the fears and frustrations of the world, and I would just start living my life. And here we are almost 6 months later I am finally acknowledging and experiencing the transformation: I have Arrived!

I don’t want to give the impression that it has been an easy 6 months because I have gone through an inordinate amount of challenges, changes, and transformations. But on the other hand, I do want to convey that when youstop trying to catch up with life, and realize that you’re already here, life moves at just the right pace.

Perhaps it is enjoying “country living” that has helped me take more deep breaths and feel the energy of nature, but to be honest, I think that things have been moving in the right direction for quite some time, I had just been looking somewhere other than here and now. Yes, it is really just as simple as looking at all of the wonderful gifts that you have right here and right now.

I could share with you the interesting tales of the roller coaster ride that I have been on since June:

• How Shelly made the decision to leave her job at the hotel and we decided in the blink of an eye to move to Amherst.
• How we looked at houses and condos for one day before putting in an offer, which was accepted the next morning.
• How the actual home purchase and bank loan so seamlessly and effortlessly happened.
• How I had two jobs waiting for me without even looking for a job knowing that I would be unemployed at the end of October.
• How my ultimate Frisbee team ended up making the semi-finals at Nationals from the 14^thseed qualifying us for a spot to the world championships in Prague.
• How I have coached, counseled and supported over a dozen different people to begin to realize their visions in life.

And all that would just be the positives. I didn’t get into all of the rocky moments on the roller coaster ride; the moments that left me exasperated, frustrated, sad, and confused. I didn’t get into any of those stories, good or bad, because those are just simply the circumstances of life. Those are the fables that we tell every single day that cover up the real lessons that I think are much more important than the story itself.

And for me, this is a lesson that I have to keep learning over and over again. Perhaps it is because I am a slow learner. Or perhaps because every time I learn this lesson there is a small voice in the back of my head telling me it’s not true. The lesson is that I am. It sounds simple and if you take a deep breath and say it out loud “I am” you can even feel it. Try it again. “I am” Did you feel it? Try it one more time “I am” It feels pretty good, right?

It helps me get centered, grounded, and brings me right to the present moment. It doesn’t take me off of the roller coaster of life, but it simply lets me know where I am on that roller coaster. It brings me right to the edge of life…and then…the voice in the back of my head chimes in quickly telling me that this is not real. Why, you ask?Well, that’s very simple. When I acknowledge the here and now and when I live in the moment and when I inhale deep breaths of life, the voice in my head goes away, there is only the realization that “I am.” The small little creature that protects me from all of my fears, worries, and failures, also does a very good job of protecting me from living in the moment. Not because he does not want me to live in the moment, per se, but more because he wants to get a word in edge-wise while I am living at the edge.

So why is it that I have arrived?

• I have arrived because I am present and conscious all the time; I can enjoy every moment of nature and the world around me.
• I have arrived because I am courageous, I am fearless, and everything will be okay no matter what the outcome.
• I have arrived because I am excitedly in a loving relationship; everyday I get to wake up and smile and feel unconditionally in love.
• I have arrived because I am listening to the world and others; I get new ideas, different points of view, make new friends, and together we can make a difference.
• I have arrived because I am sharing my passion with the world; I get feedback and can adapt my beliefs; I can share who I am with more people and help others transform.
• I have arrived because I am abundant and making money is easy; I have everything that I want and can share my abundance with others
• I have arrived because I am prepared to live my passion, live my purpose, and help others realize their hidden potential and make their visions into realities.
• I have arrived because I am here to stay in the here and in the now.

I have arrived and…la vie est un magnifique endroit d’etre!

This afternoon, I attended a program at Amherst College called Career Choices. It was a panel of alumni talking to students to give them advice on how to find a job in this difficult economy. There were several different alumni from all walks of life telling their stories and offering up wisdom to a younger generation of college students. And, as a young alum listening to the wise advice of an older generation, I found it rejuvenating and re-energizing. It made me realize, once again, that life is just a process of trying to figure it all out, especially, when it comes to finding a career and finding a passion.

I found it re-energizing because it reaffirmed the obvious: everything is going to be okay. No matter how much turmoil, uncertainty, fear, and madness is going on in the world, everything is going to be okay. If you’ve lost your job, your finances are in peril, and you’re girlfriend is leaving you, it’s still going to be okay. (Try to put yourself in your own shoes as you continue, especially if you don’t think that everything is going to be okay).

How do I know? Well, other than being a seer, I know that it’s only a matter of how you look at your life, and that being said, everything is going to be okay.

Now, that may seem like an obvious answer to some and an over-simplification to others, but I think it’s just right. The fact of the matter is that the rest is just a story of your individual circumstances. Beyond the story, there is a reality that no matter how challenging or daunting, you have the ability to overcome the circumstances of your life.

It’s amazing how easy it is to get caught up in the circumstances of your own story. This is what I did, this is what happened, this is what she said, this is what’s going to happen, this is why my life is ruined, blah, blah, blah. They are only circumstances with no real assessment of what is going on and how you are going to overcome the circumstances.

Interestingly enough, this is a very difficult problem because our lives are frequently shaped by our circumstances. When our circumstances change drastically, rather than reevaluate and adapt, we go through an identity crisis and begin to panic. We look inside of our box of possibilities to what was, rather than look outside of our box of possibilities to what could be. Rather than generate new possibilities to fit our current reality, we try to make old possibilities conform to where we are. The old reality no longer makes sense in our current reality, but we have yet to let it go.

So, yes, once you’ve let it go, it’s going to be okay.

At the edge of your box of possibilities you are constantly aware of the attitudes, judgments and beliefs that are affecting your reality; you are conscious of where you are right now in the world and living in the moment; and by virtue of this awareness, you are living life fully all the time! Isn’t that the point of living life, to live life fully?

I personally believe that it is your destiny is to be who you are. We each have a different passion, a different personality, and a different path. Our lives will inevitably ebb and flow as we try to navigate the waters of life. And yes, there are times where we fear the worst and get caught up in our own circumstances. And yes, there are times when it feels like we are paddling up stream and going in the wrong direction And yes, life is challenging and reality can be daunting.

But you know what, it’s going to be okay.

This was the lesson that I learned today from watching alumni tell the stories of their lives to students. They talked about their circumstances to help explain the lessons they learned over the years. And the moral of all of their stories was: it’s going to be okay.

So, as I continue to beat a dead horse, you’re probably wondering why I won’t just be done already. Because it’s an easy concept to hear, but a much harder concept to embrace. We are so intertwined with our circumstances because they make up the very fabric of our lives. The circumstances create the lessons even if the lessons are not the circumstances. They are very difficult to separate sometimes because we want something to hold on to. We want to wrap ourselves in the fabric of life and hold on to the fleeting existence that has already happened. In the now, there’s nothing to hold onto because you only have the moment!

It makes my head hurt and my stomach turn sometimes to think this way, let alone live try to live this way. When I take a deep breath and try to let it all go, my mind asks, what do I have if I don’t have my circumstances? What am I going to do without my story?

Everything is going to be okay no matter what happens.

I hope that this makes sense and perhaps helps you better understand how to separate your own circumstances from the lessons that are hidden just beneath the surface. Whether it does or it doesn’t, I want to leave you with this question to ponder if you missed it earlier: If you solved all of life’s problems today, what would you do tomorrow?

I find that the best ideas come to me in the state just before waking while I am still in a partial dream state. Unfortunately, I have been experiencing an interesting problem of finding that those times are between the hours of 3am and 5am. Most nights, I refuse to get out of bed, turn on the light, or even acknowledge the brilliance from sheer lack of motivation. Well, if success is motivated by vision and action, here I am sitting in my bathroom with the heat cranked up at quarter of four in the morning!

For the past several days, I have found myself trying to answer some of the big questions at work and in life. Questions that seem to have answers that are intuitive, yet always slide into the realm of elusive. It’s a vicious game of cat and mouse because most of the answers come during the middle of the night and most of the questions are asked during the middle of the day. So now that I am finally bringing these two realms together, I can hopefully find some peaceful solace in my warm, comfortable bed, although the linoleum bathroom will soon be quite toasty.

In the past 48 hours, I have had the fortunate luck of meeting three brilliant minds in the blogging community: Lindsey Pollak, Marcos Salazar, and Thomas Edwards. It has reminded me (although to be fair, the signs were on Brazen a few weeks ago) the value of sharing your ideas with the world. It’s not about self-serving personal branding, but rather about serving the community of readers that dare to pay attention to the insightful musings of others’ lives. So, in that vain, let me share why I find all three of these muses, who have helped me find my voice this evening are truly so inspiring.

Thomas Edwards is a personal coach who helps men find success with women, which ultimately helps them gain more confidence and find all around success their lives. He runs a program called Project Infinity to help men understand how to interact with women, through a series of simple observations. For Thomas, it’s certainly intuitive to dress the right way, have the right posture, and say the right things, which just don’t come as naturally to everyone. His goals are modest, but his approach is genuine: help others (men specifically) be successful.

A simple google search will lead you to Lindsey Pollak. Not just because she has great personal branding, strong SEO, or a great book, but because she has a message that needs to be heard. She has fantastic advice that helps Gen Y workers find success in the world as well as educates the rest of the world on how to deal with Gen Y in the workplace. After watching Lindsey’s keynote speech at the Unlocking Potential conference held by Experience.com yesterday, I was moved by how truly personal the story was to her. She commented that it was from the “big sister’s” that she counseled the room of Gen X and Baby Boomers. And it was true!

Marcos Salazar is a coach, author and speaker who focuses on the topic of finding your way in your twenties. He provides great advice and insight from a psychological perspective as well as well-founded research in the field. Recently, he has started a website called FiveDailyGratitudes that lists the five things that he is grateful for each day as a means to increase success, happiness, and self-esteem, among other things.

After reaching out by e-mail because he too is an Amherst Grad, we spoke on the phone for about an hour yesterday (Thursday, which is really the day before yesterday). Just as we had come to a logical ending point for the call, he asked me, “Are there any other questions I can help you answer?” Perhaps this may seem like a simple and very reasonable question, it resonated with me because, although we had just met, he was extending me an offer that we frequently lose in the fast-paced world of me where personal branding is king. It was with this same genuineness, authenticity, and care that I found passionately drives Lindsey and Thomas in their efforts to help others.

So, it is out of gratitude for these three who have inspired me that I am able to take a slow, deep breath knowing that I have remembered something that is so easy to forget: we’re here to help others as much as we’re here to help ourselves!

Ahh, there it is. The gentle knock of the sandman. He’s ready to put me back into the bed so that I can rest soundly. I am glad to have shared, thankful to have learned, and honored to have met three people who are saving the world one person at a time!

Speaking of being short of a full deck, everyone seems to be especially worried about the price of gas lately. Personally, I have just accepted that it’s going to be more expensive because it is almost completely out of my control. You can complain about it if you really want to, but I’d prefer that you change your habits and start driving less before telling me how “unfair” it is. It’s not really “unfair” if everyone faces the same price. It’s really a supply and demand problem not a societal injustice.

Anyway, the point is we had enough gas to get us just over 300 miles, and the trip from Allentown to Boston was about 315 miles. So, being the good friend that I am, I made sure to let Dave know that we could definitely make it to Boston without stopping to get gas. After all, none of us had ever personally run out of gas, and although it was going to be late at night, the consequence of actually running out of gas is mostly inconvenience and a loss of time. You are not in any real physical danger when you run out of gas, in fact, it could be fun to be trapped on the side of the road with a few friends while you wait for AAA to help you out.

I am personally mystified by the fear of running out of gas. What drives us to the edge of insanity when the orange light comes on in the car? Do you not have a cell phone and AAA? The fact of the matter is that running out of gas isn’t that bad. So, of course, knowing the consequences and the excitement of being uncertain, I insisted that we press through to Boston without stopping when the orange light came on with 50 miles to empty. Now, what happened next was a fascinating set of circumstances that I will briefly recount.

50 miles left.

The tension mounted. Would we make it safely or would everyone enjoy about 45 minutes relentlessly taunting, Max?

40 miles left.

There was some friendly bickering over whether to get gas, and fortunately, Dave was fairly easily convinced with the usual peer pressure tactics that he would be “sacrificing his manhood” if he were to stop and get gas. After all, how would we know if we weren’t going to make if he stopped for gas?

30 miles left.
Dave started putting the car into neutral on every downhill and maintaining a steady 55 – 60mph to maximize fuel economy. Silence took over.

20 miles left.

Sarcasm became the main form of communication in the car as everyone began to get nervous. Jeremy could not help but check the “miles to empty” every few seconds. The radio was turned off and the air-conditioning was lowered to conserve gas.

15 miles left.

At this point, having been warned that there were no open gas stations in Auburndale, MA, where we had to stop to drop off Andy, everything began to spiral out of control. To be fair, I was making things worse by asking Dave which way he wanted to go, already knowing that he was unfamiliar with the bowels of Newton and Auburndale. It was especially disconcerting for him since I was the one with the GPS on my blackberry assuring him we would be okay. At this point, however, I had turned it off telling him that our fate was in his hands.

– – – – miles left.

Under a certain mileage, the dashboard no longer tells you how many miles you have left to empty. This created even more tension and there were a few threats of physical violence towards the baller riding shotgun. Fortunately, Dave was concentrating on driving efficiently and not running out of gas. Being a black belt in karate, he could have caused some serious damage to the bones in my body. I couldn’t believe that he wasn’t interested as I pointed out each and every one of the 15 closed gas stations that we passed at 11:30pm.

As the car began to sputter in Newton Heights, we saw the Promised Land: US Petroleum. We coasted in on fumes and made it safely to the pump. The 1999 4WD Volvo 850 Wagon guzzled up a healthy 18.207 gallons of gas despite the fact that the manual insisted that this model only held 17.4 gallons. At this point, everyone could breath easy once again. We had not run out of gas, and with a full tank of gas, everyone was once again certain that running out of gas was not a possibility. Once again, fooled by our expectations, our severe mental and physical anxiety was unnecessary.

So what did we learn from this experience?

Uncertainty creates a sense of mental discomfort. Our reactive mind wants to know the outcome of every situation so that it can be at peace. If we are certain of what is going to happen, then our imagination cannot live out the worst case scenario. In lieu of this, however, we begin to create trauma before it happens as our mind imagines the worst possible outcomes and scenarios. This causes strong feelings of mental discomfort whether we are aware of them or not. Frequently, this will manifest in anger, frustration, anxiousness, nervous laughter, exhaustion, and physical discomfort as we try to cope with these feelings.

Frequently, even when our cognitive mind tells us to be comfortable with uncertainty, the mental and physical discomfort persists. One cause of this may be our individual sense of attachment created at a very young age in our parental relationships. We all create certain expectations of how to deal with uncertainty from early childhood, which is so ingrained in our ways of being that we have trouble letting it go. Another cause of this may be our natural affinity for the status quo and fear of change. Simply watching the transformation that took place in the car, it was clear to me that we were outside of our box of possibilities and our normal comfort zones. It was very rare for all of us to test the limits of the car by consciously deciding not to get gas; this was certainly a drastic change from our normal behavior.

Ultimately, we experienced a very important life lesson, which is far more important than not running out of gas (or even running out of gas for that matter). We were able to face uncertainty, and realize just how uncomfortable it could be to be comfortable with uncertainty. This is an important lesson because most of our lives are uncertain all the time! We are not certain what the weather will be tomorrow, what will happen next week in the stock market, or even what will happen in a few months during the upcoming Presidential election. We have some sense of certainty, but only because it is more comfortable to deceive ourselves and pretend that we can predict the future. We must experience the discomfort of uncertainty in order to comfortably face situations that are much more challenging, strenuous, or important than something as benign as running out of gas. This is just a test drive for the rest of our lives!

So the moral of the story is this: next time the orange light comes on in your car, take a deep breath, hold the wheel firmly, and ask yourself, “How low can you go?”

–The Diamond Cutter

What?! It’s May already? My birthday is tomorrow? What? 27? How did that happen?

They say that time flies when you’re having fun, and I feel like the past few months have flown by like a roller coaster through Las Vegas. My life has gone from spiraling completely out of control to balling out of control in just a matter of months. And the only thing that I did was get clear about who I was and what I wanted. I was able to re-clarify the vision for my life and step into my own reality. When you’re living the dream, all of the right people, situations, and interactions come your way!

So, let me give you the quick update in the standard life categories: Love, Work, Travel and
Ultimate, Motivational Speaking, and Other.

Love

Shelly and I have been dating for more than seven months now. What started with moving in together on a whim in September has become one of the best decisions I have ever made. I find that with every passing day I grow as a person just by being around Shelly. She has made such a dramatic difference in my personal confidence and the way I live my life. She is supportive, caring, and beautiful. Not to mention, she loves peanut butter, The Cape, sun glasses, Top Chef, hand bags, volunteering, Dustin Pedroia, Fantastic cleaning spray and making little children smile. What more could you ask for in a woman?

I think that our relationship has allowed both of us to stretch outside our comfort zones to learn more about ourselves through each other. The satisfaction of being in a relationship that excites you and evolves every single day is a blessing.

And we recently redecorated our apartment in the Back Bay and cleaned up the back patio area. We have a grill, love the Red Sox, and enjoy having people over to our apartment! So you’re welcome to come over with meat, vegetables, and some sort of dessert. Just give us about 24 hours notice…

Work

I woke up on March 3^rd and said, “I am going to have a job by the end of the day.” Now, I didn’t even have a job interview scheduled. I just knew that I was going to have a job by the end of the day. So, I got out of bed, made some coffee, and checked my e-mail. Low and behold, I had an e-mail from The Daily Jolt in Cambridge, MA asking if I would be interested in interviewing later that day.

For those of you who do not know, The Daily Jolt, it is a network of 200 of campus-specific websites that provides all of the information that you need to start your day. The Daily Jolt provides news, forums, polls, procrastination links, event listings, job, housing, and ride boards to the individual campus communities. And the best part is that the platform is run by students on each campus, which allows each campus to have its own local flavor.

Well, to make a short story long, I replied to the e-mail and was invited to start training the next day. Talk about creating your own reality! So, I had created a great part-time job that allowed me to explore a few other options that were on the table and to help a few friends get some unfinished business finished. But, it looks like I will be moving into a full-time role with The Daily Jolt in the very near future, we’ll just have to wait and see…

Travel and Ultimate

I traveled to Italy for 10 days during the month of March with Jason Adams, Ryan Scribner, and a collection of other big ballers. We visited Milan, Cinqueterre, Rome, Florence, and Rimini. It was an absolutely unbelievable experience because we were able to enjoy the fruits of the Italian culture without the crowds of tourists. Not to mention, I was there for Paganello, the largest beach ultimate Frisbee tournament in the world. I would love to tell you that D-Rex won the tournament, which seemed like a possibility when we were 6-0 on Saturday, but we came in 7^th out of 32. It was still pretty impressive for a rag-tag group of players from Seattle, Eugene, Boston, Washington D.C., Brussels, Vienna, and Melbourne.

If you want to see a quick video of the trip, you can watch it here: Don’t be fooled by the pictures that say “Italy,” the video is called “Three Men and a Duck.”

Motivational Speaking

I have had the fortunate opportunity to expand my motivational speaking business this past month by giving two great workshops. For anyone who has attended my Living at the Edge Workshop (or read some of my previous blog entries on the topic), I am using the model of The Box of Possibilities to fit almost any context.

At the beginning of April, I spoke to the Northeastern Women’s Ultimate Frisbee Team to help them come together as a team before heading to Nationals. The basic concept was that in order to overcome the mental challenges on the field, you have to first know what your limits and barrier are. You have to understand the moments when as a team you either successfully or unsuccessfully overcome adversity. It was a very powerful workshop for these ladies as individual players as well as a team. I can proudly say that they not only expanded their boxes of possibilities, but they also won the Northeast Region. The Northeastern Valkyries are headed to Nationals for the first time in the program’s history!

I will also be giving two workshops in the next few weeks. The first is on May 28^th entitled “Living at the Edge” at Studio Om in Wakefield, MA. The second is June 7^th with my friend and yoga teacher Priscilla Flynn entitled, “Playing at the Edge: Yoga and The Box of Possibilities.” In the second workshop, we will be incorporating the concepts of being at the edge of your box of possibilities both cognitively and physically. Go to Yoga Sanctuary to learn more. Shoot me an e-mail if you’re interested to learn more about either.

Other

I will be playing Ultimate Frisbee for Quiet Coyote again this season,

I went to Game 5 of the Celtics/Hawks series and watched the Red Sox crush the Blue Jays

I read The Diamond Cutter and The Valkyries

I saw David Chase, producer of The Wire speak at The Kenned School of Government

I made a new friend in Italy named Duck Rex (check him out on Facebook)

I just got back from Lake Tahoe for Brian Stout’s Bachelor Party