Maybeoncemaybetwice

Finally!

2012-11-29T01:47:00.000+00:00

Finally!

After two long months of email hacking and despair ,I am able to get back into my blog!!

It's nearly 2am right ,now and I've already spent half the night typing up some or other. ( book,novels etc that kind of swizzle) .Tomorrow I shall dedicated to revamping this place and getting back to what I seemed quite into while back.

Helen x

Internet anonymity : Are you ready for your close up?

2012-10-01T23:49:00.001+01:00

I don't think I've really considered the impact of writing this blog .Right about now it's a tiny corner of the internet read by absolutely no one at all .I am insignificant , unremarkable to even the people who know me in real life .I rarely give it a thought ,that my postings could one day be analysed .Nobody does even unless there particularly narcissistic or very successful. When Jeremy Forrest went missing with Megan Stammers last week I bet he didn't give a second thought about how the trail he'd left on the internet would be scrutinised .His lovestruck and really quite awful lyrics picked to pieces ,his blog posts deemed self absorbed . Every inch of his life and personality has been looked at with a fine tooth comb ,perhaps you think he deserved that for what he did. I certainly don't think his wife deserved to her wedding pictures splashed across the papers.

Blogging is a incredibly self absorbed idea anyway ,your writing about your thoughts ,your feelings as if you expect someone out their to care what you have too say .I struggle to get anyone in my real life to care enough ,so quite how I think the rest of world will care I don't know .

What would the press say about me? That I was lonely ,worried about my future .That I was once a bit promiscuous. The truth is the press can manipulative you into being anything that fits their chosen story. I've been following the Stammers & Forrest story quite a bit , he playing the part of the villain ,she the innocent school girl . Using a obviously out of date school photo doesn't fool me into thinking she was an unwilling accomplice . Forrest's supposed disturbing lyrics means nothing to me either.Who remembers these lyrics from about 10 years ago,I highly doubt any members of the band have now committed suicide.

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding

While I engaged in a lively debate about the the supposed abduction of Megan on a popular forum ,such was the vitriol flying around I didn't dare divulge my true feelings on the matter .Personally I think the idea that she was abducted is absolutely ridiculous , abduction is taken away against your will .People who are abducted get bound gagged and thrown in the back of cars ,they are not found happily strolling round cities in southern France taking photos and hugging their apparent captor . I totally gone off topic now ,it's funny now it's easy to express an opinion when no one is watching .We shouldn't be afraid of opinions ,those who aren't though get labelled mouthy and rude .It's best to just shut up and follow the general concensus most of the time. I very much doubt that the contents of his blog crossed Mr Forrest's mind as he crossed the channel with a 15 yr old .

I don't think most of realize what were leaving behind on the internet everyday .If were checking in everyday then everything is fine ,if our blog is obscure then it's fine .I find it quite a sobering thought that my messed up brain and all it neuroses could one day be exposed to world. I suppose the important thing then is remain anonymous ,to never get into trouble or create infamy for ourselves . I'm sure that many of us have blog post or diaries or simply facebook messages we'd rather the rest of the world didn't see.

We may see ourselves as one thing but rest of the world might view us differently all together.

Don't grow up it's a trap.

2012-09-30T23:52:00.000+01:00

I write to you today from my bed ,why I lie with a monstrous hangover . The proportion of which I have not had for some time .A few years ago when I was much more social active young women ,I drank on far more regular basis and the hangovers were there but not enough to perhaps not start drinking again the next day. I've had some memorable morning afters in lifetime .Throwing up on the bus up the Gloucester road ,spending the entire day on the toilet floor just two examples.

Around 1am after many many drinks I found myself in the kitchen ,with the host basically wailing "I don't want to grow up " at each other .It's some ways that is true . The thing is I'm not a proper grown up like my old friends are ,with their houses and weddings ,and serious jobs .I'm still a baby ,I'm still the same as I was at eighteen . It's not a case of not wanting to grow up at all ,I'd give my left arm to have those things (literally take it away in exchange for a house? ) . I just don't want to be become middle aged too soon .I still want to do silly things ,and mix my drinks and get terrible hangovers .I'm not ready to sit round sipping wine and discussing house prices . Partly because I'm never going to own a house ,partly because I'm not a lazy middle class cliche.

Someone said to me last night that we , at twenty -six coming up for twenty -seven are already half way through our lives .Half way ?! I was horrified at the thought . For start my life would have to end at 52 ,which is rather tragically early. While I realise that I have "lived a bit" ,had childhood & adolescence and been a young adult I don't feel like my life has even really began let alone half over.It's doesn't take a genius to work out why .I have so many milestones I haven't achieved ,the prospect of my life being already half over is terrifying .Does that mean if you get all you want,what is there left to aim for? I don't know . I guess that is why some people live in contentment with their lot ,while others have affairs or mid life crisis .

I wonder how many more nights there will be like last night . Free to drink ourselves silly ,"the no baby club" everyone one of us still childless .One day the drunken meets up will morph into coffee with sleeping babies in tow .Not for me ,though I'm going stay the same ,perceptually underachieving at simply living a normal life . Then will we simply lose any connection we ever had . People are changing , while I stay the same .I'm peter pan ,only my life is nothing like a fairytale.

"They don't remember the spice girls "

2012-09-19T23:18:00.003+01:00

My gosh I'm a rubbish blogger . It's been far too long since I posted anything here .I do have a very lengthy post saved but I'm still debating weather or not too post it . My blog is already far more personal than I ever intended it to be . I thought it was moving away from diary style writing but it appears I am bit too used to writing that way . So what have I been musing about lately ?

Well I sitting on the bus other day as you do ( if your a peasant like me) ,an excellent place to think and a source of people watching .You can't deny it ,everybody loves a spot of people watching . I think it was when I spotted two girls walking down the street ,normal teenagers nothing special . They wouldn't have look any different to me ten years. Then I starting thinking to myself ,how long is a generation?

At what point does someone become out your generation ,do the the common factors disappear and you've basically got nothing in common . Five years? Ten years? I'm not sure I share many generation aspects with a thirty six year or for that matter a sixteen year old .I suspect the sixteen year would think I was old ,past it and didn't understand them at all . It's scary ,It doesn't feel that long ago I was a teenager but the last time I could count myself as one,that teenager was eight years old.

A 15 year old today wasn't even born when the Spice girl were about ( for the first time) I mean seriously ? THEY.DON'T.REMEMBER.THE.SPICE.GIRLS.

Then I went all nostalgic ,as I tend to do a lot .And I come up with a list all the words ,crazes etc I remember from being a teenager .I worry if kids even use them today,or have they faded away in late 90s - early 00s oblivion .I don't know any teenagers personally to ask .I'm twenty six it would look a little weird ,if I marched out to the crowds who suddenly appear in my street and ask them if they fancied sharing some cider. There is a word for people like that.

1.) Backwash - Never ever drink the end somebodies drink ,because apparently it's 99% their spit .In fact never ever drink anything you have haven't opened your self because they've probably spat in it . I haven't heard anyone use this since about 2001.

2.) Gay - Circa when I was school .Everything bad was gay ie "school is gay " "This homework is gay " "Those trainers are gay " " Mr Clarke is gay "..you get the message .Do kids still do this? Or are they all right on and love the gays now ? are the gay kids camping it up in the corridors ,high kicking their way to maths perhaps?

3.) Lush - The opposite of gay .Lush is anything amazing . "This sausage roll is lush " " Ritchie from 5ive is lush "" Michael Owen is lush " "I'm going to the millennium dome next week ,it's going to be lush ".

4.) Halfmast - School trousers that were too short and socks could be seen . I hated this at school , I was paranoid about the length of my trousers .To the point were I wore ridiculously long trousers that covered my whole shoe at one point . Once my trousers were bit short and some cretin took the mick out of my socks .MY SOCKS! kids will pick on anything.

5.) Two stripe - Non branded PE clothing .Ie Gola . Ie "urghh two stripe " Not having three stripes for adidas on your ridiculous popper tracksuit bottoms . Also florescent trainers were very in . Lime green reeboks ,the height of cool circa 2000.

Oh so stylish with the accompanying ORANGE tracksuit .

6.) Bumming - Not what your thinking ,I didn't go to private school . Bumming happens when sharing cigarettes ,because your a teenager your sharing them obviously .I don't smoke ,never have done but on rare occasions I took part in either your standard fag or something a bit more cheeky I always got accused of bumming .Essentially getting the end of the fag wet ,so shock horror my spit would go in next person to suck what was left of it's mouth! Therefore I try to place whatever it was as lightly as possible on my lips, rendering it pointless and never getting high !

(I was going to included "bogging " here ,but since no one I have ever asked as ever heard this phrase aside from people from my home town I won't bother. I appeal to you though ,If you read this and know what I mean by bogging leave a comment below !)

I will leave you with this gem.

The dance routine

The camouflage

The fact two of them are still around .

The xx / coexist.Review?

2012-09-10T18:35:00.000+01:00

One of favourite albums ,Is the XX - XX

I'm not a music reviewer ,I'm not a muso and I am no "dickhead " so I won't attempt to review it properly only to say that it is beautiful & melancholy .It's prefect for lying in dark rooms and doing a some thinking . It's not a happy album ,well that is understatement .It's about lying in your room and thinking about lost love or the meaning of your existence . I will never get bored of it , were as I can imagine a vast amount of people would find it unbearable dirge on the first listen .I'm not much of follower of new music ,in the sense I don't know when new music is going to be released .So when I saw a review of the new album by the xx I did get a little excited.

Everyone knows 2ND albums aren't the same ..

Words can not express how disappointed I was/am . While the first album was full of memorable tracks,I fell in love with , with lyrics that punched you in the face and heart . The new offering has nothing of the sort ,it's literally just noise to my ears .I feel nothing,the tracks go absolutely now where . One track was released months go "angels ".

I can understand why this was released early it's easily the best and most memorable track .Not one of the ten other tracks on "coexist" as made the impact . Put it this way ,normally one listen and I'll remember a track whether I like it or not. After two full listens ,I have to admit I turned it off and put on their first album in disgust .For me music is very much chosen by mood , happy playlists ,depressing playlists ,writing playlists.Perhaps I'm being a little pretentious ,but unless it's cheesy pop music or something to dance to.I need music to actually make me feel something and this album made me feel nothing but bored and disappointed . Not something I actively choose to feel.

Throw of a dice.

2012-09-08T03:11:00.001+01:00

Life is a never ending set of what if , circumstances and chance . Everything that happens to us ,is all determined by the slightest decision .It might not seem like it but start thinking and you will realize just how fragile your very existence is . As we move from decision to decision throughout our lives, particularly when we are younger ,it’s easy to not see the bigger picture .To think beyond the next week, month or year. I can pinpointed a series of events that have lead up to were my life is now .I don’t sit here thinking to myself ,how did my life end up in the disaster it is .The events are clear as day ,etched on my memory like scars . When I was about eleven years old ,I had very bad or shall we say terrifying experience at the dentist .From this I never went again (aside from once when I was 20) , and therefore I have horrific teeth to this day. Due this to men do not and will never fancy me .Consequently I am not married or do I have a prospect of this happening. Obviously as child in a dentist chair scared out of my wits, I had no idea of the consequences on my future life. Knowing that I was hideous to men ,I have taken up every bit of the paltry male attention I’ve received in my life .I’ve slept with men I’ve meet in taxi queues & fallen in love with every man who ever showed the slightest hint of reciprocation of feelings. The consequences of being left on the shelf are financial, social and emotion .And all because of one fateful day in a dentists.

It’s true that I am a born pessimistic, I think a lot of us are , we find it easier to remember the bad decisions we’ve made in life rather than celebrate the positive . When I was seventeen I sat on a field with my then best friend ,smoked some weed and we decided to leave education ,rather than leaving the idea behind in drugged up haze I actually did that and messed up my whole life . If there is a parallel universe out there , then there is a very different version of me in it . She stayed at college ,went to university when she should have . I suspect she went to a better university , did a more worth course and graduated perfectly on time .Now parallel me has had a good job for five years ,she probably had the money to get those teeth fixed. Perhaps she even persuaded someone to marry her .I might even have kids, something I increasingly realize probably isn’t going to happen.

I guess it comes down to idea of whether or not life is mapped out for us from the start .Which puts a religious spin into the matter .I’m not remotely religious myself ,I find myself thinking too practically .If God existed ,he wouldn’t plan any ones life to be full of misery or heartbreak . If I’d turned different corners would have ended up at the same destination? The circumstances of my even existing are quite ridiculous. A uprising in a foreign land leading to hasty decision to move to one of three countries, were by chance 15 years later (she having being forced out that night ) my dad meet my mum in a club.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all be give mapped a guide to the future or would that give too much away ? perhaps if it were more like a game of chance? Because essentially that’s all life is anyway.

Selling my old life .

2012-09-02T16:32:00.000+01:00

I'm selling stuff on ebay .Not something I've done for a while , but it's dire straits here! There are mainly my old "clubbing" frocks and since I don't go clubbing any more ,they just sit in my wardrobe reminding me of the old days!!

I only wore this dress a few times but she could probably tell you some tales!!

http://www.ebay.co.uk/sch/simplekinda_life/m.html?item=221119061935&_trksid=p2047675.l2562&ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&rt=nc

More to be added later!

Procrastination situation.

2012-08-27T22:22:00.001+01:00

Hello Imaginary friends , It's Monday evening but it just feels like Sunday because of the pesky bank holiday thrown in .I have "the fear " tonight ,that impending sense of doom when you haven't done a piece of work . After three years without "the fear " invading my life ,it all too familiar .You know what I'm talking about , your mind starts thinking of all the ways you could either manage to a.) do said work b.) get out of handing it in.It usually involves telling yourself you'll get up at 6am ,or stay up all night too it .If it's really impossible, then you start concocting an illness that will prevent from handing it in . How Ill will have to be ? Time to wheel out those acting skills ,your going to need a sick voice.

It's always the same , it starts with telling yourself you'll do the work early this time .No panic for me this time you think .Then real life comes in ,everything else becomes more interesting ,including writing blog posts about not doing work ..

The number of times I would be up half the night doing pieces of coursework at uni ,because well everything about university was more interesting than the work .What's that you need someone to do a massive TESCO shop with you? sure! You want to go Ice skating? I'm in! There's an episode of neighbours I've already seen once today on? I might have missed something! I took procrastination to a skilled art form , making mini models of our kitchen appliances and giving them faces? That takes some beating..Life is endless round of procrastination ,if I thought it would end at uni I was a little naive.If it wasn't for procrastination I may well have taken over the world by now. I bet Barack Obama did all his essays two weeks early.

So now I will no doubt set my alarm for six am then fail to wake up till 8.30 shortly followed by panicking .Then spent roughly half an hour sitting at the dining table ,reading as fast as I possibly can and writing notes in semi English .Come one o'clock I will arrive at my meeting having prepared a selection of sentences in my head which make it sound like I know what I'm talking about . Life people ,is an endless blag don't let anyone tell you otherwise .

The Sunday Ramble

2012-08-26T23:08:00.004+01:00

Evening ,imaginary blog friends ( how ridiculous on a website called blogger that gets out the red line..) .I thought it was time for an update which was more on the cheerful side .I can be a bit a miser ,no wonder I'm lonely.I've had a rather average weekend ,no raving it up at Reading for me .In fact I've never even been to a festival at the grand old age of twenty six ,shameful no doubt .This evening though,I made a break through I've been trying for months .Since April I am been writing on and off ,I currently sit at 38,000 words .This is not a milestone though,no I have finally cracked a key moment in said "collection of words" that my brain had seemingly refused to create in till now . This breakthrough means I can build so much more both before and after ,I am so pleased .I also downloaded some software which reads your work aloud ,so you tell if it sounds appalling .It's slightly feels like doing a huge piece of coursework but not being enrolled anywhere but I don't care I'm so invested in it .I will complete my challenge!

Here are two photos that represent my 1st world poverty :

My dire need for a hair cut. The truth is I detest going to the hairdressers.All that looking at your own face and never getting what you actually asked for .Hence the cousin It look.

My bedside arrangement which consists of a broken £1.50 Ikea lamp and a stack of celebrity autobiographies .My favourite is Russell Brand Fyi .The 1st ,second one is all "I'm famous ..oo there's Katy Perry" Rubbish.

I wonder how celebrities manage to recall incidents from say twenty years ago with such detail .I can barely remember a thing prior to the age of sixteen .Either I have an awful memory or they making a lot of stuff up.The early stages of my biography would go something like this :

Born
Infant school
Caterpillars everywhere
Stuck Glue in a girls hair
Spice girl dancing
That time I had Yellow hair

On Saturday I conducted a physic experiment to choose my lottery numbers .Semi convinced I might win ,I went online and created a somewhat over hopeful wishlist .So somewhere privately on the internet ,is a list of items that should I at some point in the future win the lottery ,I will immediately purchase .As was highly predictable I failed to get a single number on Saturday night's draw.Because I am unfathomably unlucky ,if I was remotely religious I may consider I'd done something heinous in a previous life. Unfortunately I can't blame God ,because he doesn't exist.

I think is quite enough of a ramble for a Sunday night .

Goodnight!

Non-beauty girl lazy make up.

2012-08-23T20:15:00.000+01:00

If like me you are a lazy cow and this is a frequent scenario :

Self : I'll Just watch this /go on youtube/ play facebook game for five minutes ..I've got hours..

*3 hours later *

Self : WAH ! Need to the leave house in 10 minutes and look like a corpse !

I'm not really a girl who likes to spend hours faffing with make up .If it's evening event then I will make an effect but for the day time ,I just like to not to look dead and washed out . That's how I have streamlined daytime make up to six items which can be applied in less than 10 minutes .Winner.

Rimmel wake up me up foundation - This is best foundation ever basically .Not like I've even tried crazy expensive brands .It basically takes you from zombie to alive in seconds .Simply ace stuff .

Rimmel stay matte powder - Confession ,sometimes I'm so lazy .I only use this ..

Collection 2000 primed and ready - I love primer ,I have read a lot of beauty blog who claim they don't use it .I need it! I had used much more expensive ones but guess what ? the £5.99 one is exactly the same! like whacking on polyfiller to fill in the cracks!

Mua bronzer - £1 bronzer for those cheekbones .Expect my cheekbones don't seem be at the same level? does anyone else have this problem?

Benefit sugarbomb - Stupid expensive but lasts for ever .Round and round those apples until I come to life .

mua mascara - I barely use this .I wear glasses who can see my eyes?!

And done!

Where's my free stuff? Oh right yeah..

2012-08-23T15:35:00.000+01:00

So it appears these days ,all you need to appear on a "celebrity " reality show is to be a tart . This years celebrity big brother house-mate's include one Danica Thrall .Danica appeared on one programme a few months back ,in fact I actually felt compelled to blog about it back then HERE .She is what is apparently know as a rinser ,she "speaks " to men online and they buy her stuff . You read that correctly ,she only claims it involves having a nice chat .Hey if it's that easy ,sign me up!

Now Danica is undoubtedly a very good looking young girl but the gifts she is asking and ultimately receiving ? There quite frankly ridiculous . What gives her the sheer audacity and why do these men do it ? I don't understand ,according to the woman her self they receive nothing but a little chat in return. Who would buy her a £167,000 pendant just for a chat ? Yes she is beautiful but lord there are million pretty girls out there .If that's easy why aren't they all doing? Truthfully It makes me really jealous that some girls can get away with this kind of crap . Danica fancies a new car ,computer or piece of jewellery some fool will just buy it for her . A link to her wishlist was posted online this week ,it makes interesting reading .As well asking and receiving the aforementioned pendant , Miss Thrall expects men to buy everything even down to her hair products ,nail polish and fake tan. I wonder how long she will keep this up ? Then what ,will she have to sell all her presents to live ? Or will she have to take more drastic measures .Ultimately though,it's not going to end up like that for a girl like Danica ,eventually one of her rich admirers will be foolish enough to marry her. More fool him ,because she is nothing but gold digger that's clear too see .Beauty clouds judgement ,that's clear the world over.

If anyone out there would like to help out a poor ,unfortunate soul .I would like the following :

£3000
Any car .I don't care .Give me your old banger ,that'll do.
Cosmetic dentistry
An new laptop that doesn't overheat to point it feels like it may burn my fingers!!
Some dry shampoo

Unfortunately I look nothing like Danica , so I guess I will have go without these things and continue be poor and hope that one day I can afford to pay for these things myself .That's supposed to feel better isn't it ?

Things I know now I'm older.

2012-08-13T15:25:00.000+01:00

A little while ago, I wrote a blog post about the passage of time and suddenly realizing that you’ve grown up,without ever knowing in until it smacks you in the face one day. I tend to be a little bit (..) of a negative Nancy when it comes to getting older, I put this down to being content .If your content with your life, if you’ve achieved your dreams. If you have dream career, the husband the babies I can’t imagine that age is that scary. It’s when your lacking that times moves ridiculously faster .In the spirit of trying to move past the negative ,I’ve decided to look the positive aspects of being an “adult “as opposed to a “young adult “ surely there must be some?

Realizing that not everyone likes you (stop people pleasing)

It’s a fact of life that people will not like you .I tried so hard for years and years ,always being the doormat so people kept me as their friend .It does not work ,some people are just not compatible with you. Others will take one look at all and decide they don’t like you. Those guys simply aren’t worth your time anyway .A prime example was ,when as a student I moved into a new house full of people who were already friends .Most of them were friendly enough to make some kind of effort ,but one particular girl was unfeasibly rude .She looked me up and down like something on her shoe ,she grilled me the first day of moving in with a game of twenty questions Clearly unsatisfied with my answers she never spoke word to me for the rest of the year .Even going as far ,as to have us both cooking our dinner in silence . She would write facebook statues about how alone she felt in the house when I was clearly downstairs . It’s a harsh fact of life but some people just aren’t very nice .So if your reading this Kendra ,your rudest person I’ve ever meet oh and you looked ridiculous in your gangsta girl get up. South Bristol is not Harlem .

It’s not a crime to not have 28273282 friends

This connected to the first point . Choose your friends wisely ,if you’ve only got two but there good friends who care about you that’s what matters. Having 4565 acquaintances who probably wouldn’t piss on you ,if you were on fire doesn’t matter .

Fashion does not matter

O.K so I might be stretching it a little here .I obviously don’t wear clothes from 80s or 90s but neither am I slave to what’s apparently “on trend “ but quite frankly no body likes every trend going .Don’t wear it if you feel ridiculous just because it’s on a mannequin in Topshop : For example

Nice timeless dress .

Hideous .

Once your older no one cares about you dress like ,that is unless your a hipster in which case your probably an idiot anyway .

Hardly anyone (over 10 years old) is actually a size 8

Go to any clothes shop and see how many size 6s and 8s are on the rack .Dozens . Stop obsessing about being a particular size .Life is too short for starvation ,morbidly obese ? Yes bad ,actually enjoying food ? Not a problem . Oh and that Bmi stuff? Bollocks.

Credits cards are bad idea

It's not free money and one day they want it back and they want it back now !!

Life is hideously short .

Take every opportunity that comes your way .Take every job , feel your days with hobbies , go out every single night out you can . Shag every boy you want .You never get the chance to be young again , you never get chance of a re do or reset button .You have take life the first time round . Think about your life as photo album you'll show your grandchildren ,what are they going see? what did you do ? ( today to make yourself proud !!..)

Men are a strange species and you will NEVER work them out

Men come from a different planet .One where not texting back for days is fine , having sex often but never speaking is fine .Trapping you in their room with nothing but a nickeback CD and a cheese sandwich is apparently fine. They don't get any easier to understand or any different .Sorry but it's true. You can't make them like you no matter how hard you try either.

Eating is NOT cheating

A phrase touted about quite a bit .Not eating is a recipe to being carried out of a club ,or failing that forcibly kicked out by angry bouncers. Bloody eat something silly girls.

Learning does not stop at school or university

People with no general knowledge outside of the national curriculum drive me mad . Read books ,watch interesting documentaries.Let it infiltrate your mind ,the world can be quite an interesting place .

........

I'm sure there are many others things I know now that I didn't know at 18 ,and there are many things I still haven't come to terms with at twenty six.

Just a funny.

2012-08-08T15:16:00.003+01:00

Poor lad.

TOP 10 Things to love about the London Olympics

2012-08-06T23:50:00.000+01:00

1.) Becoming an armchair expert in sports, I had literally never watched before .What to know the scoring system for gymnastics or dressage. I will give you the low down. I am convinced I know difference between a good and bad pommel horse routine and a 10m platform dive that has gone wrong.

2.) Bert le clos, swimming dad .What a legend, so South African and so so proud .I am sure he will become a warm and fuzzy memory of the 2012 Olympics.

3.) Claire Balding. The best sport presenters around, never seizes to be interested and knowledgeable about everything .A woman who is seriously ace at her job. I find myself increasing frustrated with the sight of Gary Lineker of an evening, who should be the chained to the match of the day set and never let loose on sports he clearly has no clue about.

Claire meets Bert.

4.) The terribly posh British nature of many of the GB medals, dressage, rowing even shooting. Were a walking stereotype, all be it a golden one. Unfortunately they have not introduced slanging matches ,waitrose shopping trolley dash or competitive baby making to represent our other classes.

5.) The bizarre section of judge and officials at the athletics mainly consisting of what looks like a lot like dusty old scientists with enormous eyebrows. Check them out next your watching a field event.I almost missed Greg Rutherford's winning jump due to the Dennis Healey's on the judge.

6.) Being so incredibly proud for team GB that I have actually cried for people I have never and never will meet. Alan Campbell and his utter exhaustion having to be helped by Steve Redgrave after winning his bronze. Gemma Gibbons winning her silver meal in judo and countless other times have had me blubbing.

Gemma at the Judo .That French "girl" was fearsome.

7.)It's on from 9am to nearly midnight everyday. There is always something on TV! I have not watched a single other programme or film for ten days .I sense extremely bad withdrawal symptoms ,there better be some good stuff on when it finishes !

8.) The number of winning athletes singing the national anthem .Given that we live in 2012 and the national anthem isn’t a fixture at the cinema anymore (I am assured by my mother that this did happen at the end of every film!) .The national anthem is mainly reserved for Football matches, most of our surly love rats national players don’t bother.On a side note ,the fact that the GB football were fairly rubbish and received barely a mention.

9.) Convincing yourself for about ten minutes of everyday that you could be an athlete in four years, you will do it! Then discovering the pain, the dedication and agony it takes to be an gold medal winning athlete .One of my local radio stations interviewed the sister of Dani King, part of GB gold medal winning cycling team, she revealed that her sister's one treat a week while training was a nutrigrain bar! .As someone who pretends that pasta drowning in cheese sauce is healthy, I should probably stop kidding myself.

I hope that Dani ( L) gets a treat now she is a gold medallist !!

10.) Before the Olympics I was worried that Great Britain would show themselves up , “what if we win no Gold at all ? “ I said .The first few days were a little worrying ,we seemed to be losing everything and my fears crept up a bit .That is why the best thing about the Olympics so far as been the unprecedented simply amazing performance of team GB.Winning gold after gold , winning six gold’s on super Saturday was simply amazing. Even if we do not win another single medal, this Olympics has been outstanding. Finally a time when being British feeling pretty cool. .

{ Honourable mentions go to : Andy Murray cracking wimbledon voodoo and actually smiling,cyclists utter dominance ,Ian Thorpe being utterly no nonsense on the BBC ,Denise lewis going mental when Mo Farrah won gold ,Mo Farrah trying to lift this daughter who nearly his size }

Olympic Fever

2012-07-31T14:19:00.000+01:00

As were are now four days into the London Olympics 2012 I thought it was about time I had my say . I have been sadly neglecting my little blog ,due a combination of writing other things and the fact I am utterly addicted to watching said Olympics games . I've discovered that is quite possible to watch some form of sport from around 9am to midnight ! Obviously some sports are more appealing than others but then are some that really surprise you . The second day had me enthralled by a road cycling race .The sheer stamina that that both the men and woman possess in this sport was awe inspiring .A few months ago I took my old bike out for short trip to the shops ,I arrived home a sweaty shivering mess complaining that all roads were up hill .The women's road race takes place of 140 km of constant speed .It's no wonder the athletes involved possess thighs like this :

I do wonder where this man buys his trousers? Does he have to wear lycra everyday ?

Watching are British athletes compete is somewhat of a roller coaster . It's our natural stance to be the underdog , yes were all cheering like crazy at home and in the stands but inside were probably convinced will lose in till the very last second . As it stands at four days in , the Great Britain team have four medals .Not exactly lighting up the medal table but too me they mean more than any dozen golds given to China . It's not hard to discover how the Chinese treat their athletes , machines bred to churn out Gold at the expensive of anything else .If snatching your children away from home at the age of seven ,to subject them to punishing regimes is the way to get gold then I would rather we had a sea of sliver and bronze . Winning a medal is the culmination of years of hard work and dedication to a sport you choose to dedicate your life too In the UK you've got to make that choice for yourself not be forced into it .

The Olympics is a great time for making you feel a bit of a failure or just plain lazy .Watching it as adult there isn't a lot you can do about it ,perhaps be inspired to go for a swim or a bike ride . What the Olympics is going to do is inspire children who are young enough to be influenced by it .I wish London games had taken place roughly twenty years ago , maybe I would have been inspired to be something .Given that we don't treat our children like the Chinese we need these kind of events to bring children to sport .I'm not quite sure anyone has a made there Olympic swimming début at the age of thirty . If we had a swimming pool near me ,would I go down and see how fast I could swim? to be honest I would be tempted.

For the time being I'm content to sit on the sofa ,watching as many sports as I can . I draw the line at a few events though .Hockey should have been left with the nasty girls at school ,I can't lose that connection I'm afraid . Water polo was a bit strange and I thought handball was for rainy PE lessons? I am newly converted to cycling , volleyball and basketball which were all much exciting than imagined .

Now I need to watch some tennis ..followed by some Gymnastics ..then some Eventing ..

Weekend Sunshine.

2012-07-24T14:29:00.001+01:00

I always like to see these kind of posts .I tend to be a little too serious when I write here ,which isn't really me.

1.) Fried eggs from a proper sweet shop ,2.) As near to the as I got to the beach 3.) Gorgeous flower in my Nans garden, 4.) The wilderness 5.) At the pub drinking cider in the sunshine.

Rejoice for summer has finally arrived! haven't we needed it ? I feel like everyone has been walking round more miserable than usual . Now everyone has flung off there winter clothes at last ,apart from the old ladies at bus stop still in their raincoats . The rest of world was out making the most if it . The beach was utterly packed meaning ,we drove past but couldn't take advantage of it . It's only pebbles ,but I wanted ice cream. Lets hope this last's into next weekend ,we've had enough rain for an entire year!

Knock Knock ,Whose there ? : The future

2012-07-21T19:30:00.000+01:00

Accepting that your not that young anymore. That is a hard one to swallow.

It should be rather obvious, the passage of time but really it creeps up on you out of know where .You do not see it coming; it is a land in the distant future. Then suddenly your that age you always thought was “old “, for grown ups .The age changes as you get older that’s only natural .When you’re a young teenager, it seems impossible that you will ever be eighteen .Eighteen is a mythical land, were you can literally do anything you want and life will be exciting twenty four seven .Then you finally hit eighteen, and it’s twenty. The fuss I have heard people make about turning twenty. I could quite happily remove an (unnecessary) organ or two to be twenty again .It is really the last birthday that does not have real tinge of getting older, twenty-one is the height of youth .The whole world is waiting for you to attack it. No one is going to bat a lid if your single, studying or decide to waste a year travelling round the world .Your young and that’s what young people do. No one is married, not many people have kids and careers are really something you can put off for a bit. Life can be a party if you want it to be.

Then you wake up one morning and it is your birthday, and you are the wrong side of twenty-five and you think to yourself where did the last five years go? You have done it again; as you have your whole life, forgotten that one day the distant age catches up with you. You are not waiting for sixteen, eighteen or even twenty-one anymore. In a few of these flying years, you are going to the 30 .Thirty. Whose thirty? Parents, teachers, proper adults. Adults who have careers, mortgages and do not get fall down drunk anymore ( well not every weekend ). Kudos if you have all things by the time you can (just about) count the months in until your thirty but what if you don’t.

It’s a consequence of living in the moment ,not being prepared for being older . Let the party slow down? You’ll find yourself spat out into a unfamiliar land. Looking down at yourself and wondering if your clothes are too young, that your drinking too much, that talking about your sexual exploits would be inappropriate. Suddenly needing to do that growing up in double time .The future ,your future it’s now ,in your face like an enormous alarm clock “ ding ding time to grow up now ,parties over sunshine”. I knew I was really getting older when I worked about how many childbearing years I had left .I'm pretty sure I didn't even have a biological clock two years ago.Now she's ( oh it's a woman for sure ) ticking quietly below the surface. She hammers are away a bit more every time someone else drops a sprog .

Age isn’t just a number .I am getting older ,things annoy me that never would bothered me before .The other day I turned down radio 1 and called it a “racket “ ,I had done it before I realized how old I sounded .Teenagers are total aliens ,and I cross the street to avoid them. I don’t understand their words, I DON’T UNDERSTAND THEIR LANGUAGE!? How old am I? This is not good. Seriously, what does Pwned mean? In fact, I know that “pwned “means “owned”, but in my advanced age I don’t understand they can’t just write “owned”. I wonder if we used such ridiculous language, the truth is we probably did and someone was probably writing a blog post very similar to this ten years ago. On windows 98.

“Why are Kids telling me to “talk to the hand” ?,what does this mean ?”

I am aware that I’m not drawing my pension anytime soon ,that is clear but as I said age is relative and right now I’d quite like to get a hold of Bernard’s magical watch .Click it ,stop it ,just a for a little bit .I promise I won’t change things to much or get up to mischief ,just let me catch up a bit.

[ While looking for a photo of Bernard's watch ,I found a internet rumour that Bernard had in fact died ,well the actor but I couldn't find out if this was true .If so R.I.P Bernard ,you and queens nose 50p gave my 90s childhood unrealistic expectations of inanimate objects .Cheers ]

Work Hard V Play hard.

2012-07-19T15:59:00.001+01:00

Last night BBC three showed another Cherry Healey "how to get a life "documentary. I’m quite the fan of Cherry I think she is pretty cool and always tries anything thrown at her with gusto ( last nights podium dancing, case in point ) .I guess you could say she lives the kind of life I can but dream off ,making documentaries and also having husband and super cute baby. Anyway, enough about my Cherry crush.

Last night included a host of characters working too hard, playing hard or trying to combine both. The programme struck up many opinions and at some points, I was close to being angry, with the subjects and somewhat with society in general. First up we had a young chap who confessed to working a twenty-hour day, quite how that is humanely possible I was not sure. Imagine my shock when it also was revealed this man was actually younger than I am. The hours were clear to see in his face .Surviving on a diet of red bull and pro plus so you and succeed, how can any one maintain that week in week? I did it once and can honestly say I felt like I was having a heart attack, the heart palpations were terrifying. The pressure to succeed was so great that he risked his health and relationship with his son. At first, I was horrified at his overly intense work ethic but then I questioned myself, where does that come from and why don't I have it? what makes someone push themselves to such extreme lengths. It's all very well earning all that money but were do you see the benefits ? Reap what you sow? Ultimately, he had no plans to change.

The workplace and finding any work these days is so difficult and competitive that in years to come were going to see more and more people working themselves into an early grave just to get ahead. I am much more in favour of a living in the moment stance to life, it’s all very well working like a dog for the future but how do you know that's even coming? It's a cliché but you really don't know what is round the corner.Also featured were two sets of people who take this idea to the extreme. The lads who worked on a chicken farm all week, who could really blame them for wanting weekend of glory. When you have an unsatisfying job, you live for your days off and nights out. Without them, there really is nothing left to live for. I really identified with them as I suspect a lot of people would .When I was working long hours in a job that was tedious ,made my head explode with boredom .I spent every moment of my spare time trying to block it out ,making the most of every second that I wasn't there . The boys featured in the documentary took it to the extreme though, spending every penny that for the week in one night. I am sure they could have had a cheaper night out and not apparently starved for rest of the week.

Next up were the glamorous club promoter girls .Girls actually paid to party,it's enforced fun said Cherry . I thought they had a good deal at first, partying five night’s a week for a living. It is a very hollow existence though, how long will they be considered glamorous enough to live such a life? what happens after the fun is over .It didn't stop me feeling momentarily jealous of there life. There is so much pressure to have a good job , work hard to be successful but also have an active social life as well that you can end up burning yourself out .Constantly burning the candle at both ends ,just asks for trouble everyone needs time off eventually .A "super mum" featured last night ,ended up in hospital but I've written nothing about her as she is irritated me so much. There is pride and then there is just showing off " Look I nearly killed myself so I could buy designer shoes " no cares what shoes your wearing in the end ,if your dead!

Personally ,yes I would like to have more work ethic more get up and go but not at the expense of my physical or mental health. We only get one shot at life ,there are no second chances why spend it chasing impossible goals .Have fun ,work hard but enjoy what little time you have before it's too late.

LOTD : Books glorious books.

2012-07-18T01:10:00.001+01:00

I thought I would perk myself up from my rather gloomy previous entry by participating in http://sprinkleofglitter.blogspot.co.uk/ Love of the day ! ( if you don't know who she is ,click quickly she is ace and my favourite blog person / you tube bod ,I want to be her friend in real life ..must stop fangirling now) .Today is books, and given that I'm trying to write one it will be unsurprising that I love reading. As much as I have tried to read the classics I always fall back on a good old chick lit ,I got a tweet back from chick lit queen Jill Mansell recently and almost wet myself . I'm not sure that my first and favourite book in the world ,ever is actually considered chick lit though .

What an obvious choice I hear you cry! Well firstly I read this way before it was insanely popular and way way way before it was a ( terrible) movie .There isn't a part of this book I don't adore .It's just prefect .Without giving too much away if your one the few people who haven't read it The two characters Emma and Dex hook up on their last day at university and the story follows them for the next twenty or so years. The film butchered this book ,Anne Hathaway was horrific casting in my opinion . I've read all David Nicholls books ,starter for ten is another favourite with a much better film version!

Secondly I'll give a special mention to my most read book . Frivolous easy to read chick lit . I take it in the bath and read it over and over again.

What's new pussycat ? by Alexandra potter

Girls meet Boy ,moves to London at the drop of a hat ,get's ace new life.

No one is Listening :Trying to find your place in world.

2012-07-18T00:29:00.001+01:00

Hello is there anyone out there?

As much as I like to come here and write my little midnight rambles ( it's currently 11.36pm ) I am well aware that I have no place within the blogging community . I've come to the conclusion in my short time out in the real blogging world that is it a very cliquey place . I can't go round befriending the beauty bloggers and expecting them to read my ramble back because I don't write about nail varnish on a regular basis .I can't fit in with the crafters because I was once cried in a design technology lesson I found the sewing machine so hard to use.I'm not good at d.i.y or saving money and I don't have a gorgeous young family I can write about . Short of becoming a prostitute and using this as inspiration I'm lost.

I'm a lost soul really .Both in real life and online .I've always felt like I never quite knew what I wanted or ever found anything I was particularly good at It's like that knowledge ,that power is tucked away in a part of my brain I don't have access too. I hate being asked to name skills or for what I'm good at ,"there must be something " they say when there really isn't . I'm a strong swimmer but I'm not an Olympic athlete , I like writing but I can't spell or produce anything worthy.

It's incredibly frustrating to have no "niche " ,no thing that you can say "That's my thing " I'm really passionate about that or I'm really excellent ,an expert.My passions are standard not quirky enough. Perhaps by the age of twenty -six I should have got over having no discernible talents . Not that talent is ever really needed to "make" something of yourself now , all you need good looks and a passion for fake tan .Get these and you can make your fortune appearing on reality t.v .Unfortunately my experience of fake tan is minor ,I'm butters and don't come from a recognisable region ie Essex .I even sent a video to audition for Big Brother this year such was my desperation to do something,anything.Fortunately given this years crop of absolute bastards they didn't call me.

Maybe it's being a bastard or bitch that gets you places in life? as they say the nice guy always finishes last . I'm resolutely nice ,I hate falling out with people and confrontation makes me cringe .This is probably why I always end up being walked all over but that is a story for another blogpost . It also means that I back down too easy ,I avoid any kind of feedback because it makes me squirm inside .To give you an idea of how far this reaches with me ,in my entire time at university I never once spoke to a tutor about my work not even my dissertation.I just did the work ,handed it in and accepted the (poor) marks .Such was my fear of having it ripped apart and ridiculed . If I become more hard faced ,pushed myself ,shoved others out the way would I get anywhere in life? If I spammed a 100 blogs praising myself would I suddenly become a success or just highly annoying?

I wonder if I am totally abnormal ? To feel like there is a space in world waiting for you but you've not reached it. Like your living in parallel universe somewhere doing the things your meant to ,while the real you sits in your real life totally missing out . The parallel you is there just stuck behind reinforced glass you can't break down. That's reinforced glass made of money issues,missed opportunity and self confidence.

I'm not getting any younger ,the days and weeks go by faster and faster and I wonder will I ever smash down the glass? Look back myself now and laugh at the "bad times" surrounded by my children and grandchildren safe in the knowledge that everything worked out in the end .I really wish I knew because it would makes things a hell of a lot easier.

Goodnight .

25,000

2012-07-15T23:29:00.001+01:00

Earlier this year and by that I mean May I challenged myself to a task .That task was by no means an easy one.I decided that I wanted to write a book , or as I like to call it a "collection of words".Book seems far too professional and worthy and a story too childlike.I did some research and found out that the average length is 80,000 words Which is hell of a lot of words ,which shouldn't be that shocking but it is .

I've been writing since May and still only just hit 25,000 words but that is an achievement worthy of a blog post . It's double the longest thing I have ever written before ( An extremely dodgy dissertation ).

25,000.

1/4 and a bit .

Let's do this!

I've set a myself a target of Christmas .If I've been writing it for two months and not forgotten about it ,surely I can do this? I don't write every day because I don't have inspiration every day. Simple as that but if only write a few thousand words in a whole week ,I'll still achieve my goal . The goal isn't to actually have anyone read it ,I would never let that happen because I hate criticism of any kind. Perhaps if I thought I'd written a masterpiece ,but let's get real I'm not Jane Austen. I don't want people ripping my writing to shreds.

Now to write the rest of it!

Olympic Drinking .

2012-07-15T23:09:00.000+01:00

Holiday,Random night out,new years,a Tuesday,university,eurovision,another tuesday, mid afternoon in churchyard ..

There isn't a lot as Brits we won't involve Alcohol in , celebrating or commiserating ? Then we better get some booze in . It's just that we take to a different level than are foreign chums .There is the standard birthday ,deaths and marriages .Ever been to a dry wedding reception ? and that awkward bit before everyone has a drink doesn't count apart from show what it would be like minus any alcohol . The speeches ,the dancing without alcohol? just not the same.

Everyone has heard of wetting the baby head ,where did that one come from? .Then are the secondary reasons for a drink ,wedding anniversaries ,birthdays ,end of academic term/work dos ....All fairly normal affairs.

Then we get in all manner of other excuses to get hammered.

.Sporting event .. whether you're attending or not .
.Halloween
.The 4th of July ( when your British,yes I've done this )
.Christmas eve
.New years eve
.It's sunny ! lets have a BBQ ! where's that wine!
. Euro-vision party!
.Utter Boredom ( Uni anyone?)
.It's Friday/Saturday/Wednesday..
.Going on holiday airport drinks!
.Just got back from Holiday (depressed ) drinks!
.Hen nights/stag nights
."fuck yeah I'm single " drinking!
.I've had the shittiest week ever drinking!

The list is pretty endless but today I found a reason that out weighs them all .

THE OLYMPIC TORCH IS COMING THROUGH MY TOWN DRINKING!?

Oh yes .The lovely citizens of my fair town ,used to the occasion of someone running a flame past them for approximately five seconds to get pissed . By the time it actually turned up ,a drunken man was yelling the immortal drunk chant of "oggy oggy oggy " while standing on a bin .I barely saw the torch myself because a sloshed woman,no spring chicken mind , shoved me out the way while singing " we love *insert name of town* we do " in my ear .Classy .Perhaps our spot outside a pub wasn't the best bet .

I'm not adverse to drink ,that's putting it mildly but it does feel like as nation we will literally turn anything into a booze up.

What's the most ridiculous reason you've had for a few beverages?

50 Shades of Reality.

2012-07-06T23:09:00.000+01:00

Recently I did something really silly .I bought to into the hype surrounding something .A book and I think you will gather what one .

50 Shades of grey.

Obviously I knew it was a so called erotic novel .I am not a prude so this did not worry me but I wasn't prepared for how utterly farcical the book would be in it's depictions of sex , particularly first time sex . Firstly It takes over a hundred pages before there is any sex at all which I guess is used to create tension of the sexual kind ( It doesn't ). The first hundred pages are spent with Ana our naive heroine apparently ever so erotically biting her lip a lot and getting unusual "feelings " in her nether regions. I have issues with Ana , she is practically Austen in her utter naivety to the world and sex . This girl is meant to be a 21st century college student ? but she has never a " feeling " down " there ? Do me a favour. Perhaps is it just me inhabiting a world were girls like her simply don't exist that her found so utterly unbelievable. Aside from lacking in any plot ,it simply doesn't flow very well and even from someone with no literary background it was just appallingly written .

After you have struggled through several chapters of not a lot aside from scenes with Ana and her pointless " tenacious " ( E.L James please find use your thesaurus to find a new adjective ) room mate Katherine who I saw no need for at all other than filler and a rather tenuous meeting with Mr grey .We finally hit the first sex scene and when we find out that ( as if we hadn't gathered already) that young miss Steele is a Virgin .Intact .Sealed .This happens shortly after she is introduced to the sex room called the " red room of pain ". As you do .What do you mean your virginity taker didn't have a sex dungeon ? Your so past it.

Unsurprisingly this doesn't put Ana off the beautiful Mr Grey and we precede to what can only be described as the most unrealistic lose of virginity in the history of literature ,film or the world itself .I would like to appeal to anyone who as ever remotely had a first time like this one . Now I know it's fiction and the limits can be stretched ALOT, particularly as we know this is an erotic novel but really? I can only describe it as just silly . Silly nonsense The scene waffles on page after after page of flowery language in ,which Ana becomes the most receptive women to ever have sex . He touches her nipple she explodes in ecstasy ,he kisses her foot she is melting on the floor in a pool of hormones. She does more "shattering into a million pieces " than humpty dumpty.

Here I will translate a few passages into real life .

" He hovers over .I am squirming with need " / " He hang overs me ,I worried he will stick in without warning "

"He Thrusts his finger inside me ,and I cry out .I groan " /While he fumbles in my nether regions he comes clear he needs to cut this fingernails .I groan IN PAIN.

"He kneels and pulls a condom onto this considerable length .oh no will it? how? " Is that it?

"Oh I want this ..again " is it over yet? please stop your hurting me now .I've done it.

Then she as an orgasm from him banging away at her like a hammer and then she gives a rather expert blow job ,deep throat too of course . If first times were anything like this book then I think may of us would be married to the people we first had sexytime with not trying to hide down the bread aisle in Asda when we see them a decade down the line. As for Mr Grey himself our Handsome male lead , rather than falling in love with this literary stallion I couldn't get past his coldness and saw nothing redeeming in the character.

Then again I'm not a sadomasochist.

Perhaps my lack of previous with " erotic " novels meant I wasn't prepared for this book or it really is as bad as I think.

Another Midnight ramble : How not to date someone.

2012-06-14T09:00:00.000+01:00

It's very rare that I sleep before 1am these days , I just don't get tired or I find myself distracted without realising how late is it getting . So maybe a little life update or a bit of a ramble is in order ?

So onto somewhat of an life update .It seems that I'm now single ,not that I ever really went as far as to clarify myself as not so ( ie facebook officialdom) . To be honest ,I've basically wanted this for for weeks and months and I haven't had the courage to just say " You're nasty ,please leave me" ( bonus prize for getting this talky bit of a song..) .I am single by silence ,if that is possible.Not a peep form either us for over a week now . Clearly loves young dream . The fact that I do not give one iota if I received any communication says it all really . As much as it is probably a bit silly to throw away any potential men at my age ,this one was all wrong . Here is why.

* THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN YOU WANT TO DATE THE LACEY ONE*

. Insist that I always travel a 2 hour ,3 train journey . Never visit yourself .
. Provide the sum total of a dry cheese sandwich during the duration of her stay.
. Not only ,never pay for anything but always expect Lacey to pay for everything.
. Meet her in a pub and don't bring your wallet .
. Text her the same message every morning . Template ?
. Insist that she walk everywhere .Carrying suitcase sized tote bag
. Never allow her to leave your room during said stay.Basically kidnap her.
. Introduce her to your friends as your girlfriend .When no discussion has taken place.
. Maintain massive mood swing all day when asked what was wrong , reply that your xbox annoyed you .
. Be utterly unequivocally the dumbest person I have ever meet.
.Disappear for a week at the time and then randomly message like it's normal.
.Be corny /cheesy

I can't say that I am massively experienced in this field but even I know that is "relationship " was utter garbage .If I told you way I even meet him you would realise how utterly stupid and doomed it was from the start . What I've learnt is that despite being desperate for a long time and having this burning desire to join the ranks of the "smug marrieds " maybe I'm just not ready for it ? I am really am the most underdeveloped person of my age ( see how I tactfully avoid the true extent of age there ) .

I've learnt a lot about settling , before this I was sure I would settle for anyone who would have me . It didn't matter ,fat or stupid with two heads I'd have probably married you if you asked . Now I realise that I really am pretty intolerant , it is Mr right or no one at all now . This has been the first time that that coin as been flipped and I wasn't the one that seemed so madly in lust .I have practically spent the last five years falling from one person to another , never getting anything like the affection I wanted back and that is probably way I was willing to let the negatives slide but in the end even I couldn't look past all the things that annoyed , irritated and were just plain wrong .

I am a girl , I want that feeling the pit of my stomach when I see them .I want to go weak at the knees ,to want to rip there clothes off there back!. When you've had that , it makes much harder to try and recreate it when it's just not there . How can anything match up to that feeling? It can't ,you just can not fake it not matter how you try . Somewhere out there , there has to be someone who can do that for me? One that feels the same way ?

Shit unemployed people say .

2012-06-10T23:36:00.001+01:00

I am soo making this a video . yes?

."No ,I can't come I have no money , No seriously I can't .. O.K ill come ,I'll just walk home and do they still do that £4.99 vodka in Asda?"

."But I have degree!! "

."I wish I'd worked harder at uni "

."I wish I'd done some voluntary work"

."Shall I become a teacher? "

." £8000?!

."I totally applied for five jobs this week are you accusing me of lying?!"

."No ,I don't have a drug problem and yes I can read"

."These are not my people "..

." Requires HGV licence ..meh I can do that .apply!"

." Painting myself gold and juggling swords? I'm in!"

." Bus or Food? ...decisions ...Food "

."Did you see Jeremy Kyle this morning?"

." I swear I had money in there earlier ..."

." 99p? ..Bit steep "

." I am going to volunteer ,it'll look good on my c.v "

." That was totally pointless waste of four hours of my life"

." I only worked there two weeks ,that can go on my c.v right?"

." I should get pregnant right?"

." Stop moaning ,just be glad you HAVE a job"

." Seriously how did they get that job?!"

." Six references!? It's for not mi5!"

." They said I was overqualified!"

." Are you free on Wednesday afternoon?"

." I'm writing a book /becoming a blogger

." When are the big brother auditions this year?"