McIntirades

What's the deal with the return of a socially and culturally damaging dramatic property?

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 16:55:00 +0000

It's been a long time. I recognize that. It's not because the hate is gone, I assure you of that. Just that I have been less than diligent about converting my bile into HTML. But this pair of articles from Cracked.com were just too good to pass up. So, even though I will be seen in the movie as Sexy Waiter #2, here's what I have to say:

Many of you know my problem with the gone-but-not-forgotten HBO series, vis-a-vis vapid NYC sluts make the same mistakes over and over again. And even a heterosexual with a Y chromosome can identify a fashion disaster when he sees one. (Yeah! Let's wear big f***ing flowers on our clothes! That will surely draw the eye away from the crow's feet beside the sunken, dull eyes of an anorexic or make me forget for a moment the galliforme wattle beneath Mannequin's fellatio-exhausted mouth.) Yet now, years after the lavender lights went dark, we have to face a "Sex and the City "feature film.

Cracked blogger Ross Swain describes his dread of the upcoming movie quite ably:

"To be honest, I’ve seen about four minutes of this program all told, and both times I watched it there was the possibility of getting laid at the time to encourage me. Two minutes in, it became readily apparent that even sex was not worth the massive brain seizures I risked by watching four women live out all the negative aspects of my stereotyped mental vision of “gals on the go.”

As I see it, there are two main reasons to fear the arrival of such a monstrosity at the box office. The first is that by all accounts it is going to be staggeringly faithful to the original: same cast, same producer, same writing/directing team, same misogyny-inducing dialog and narration peppered with enough sex scenes to get you erect so you really feel it when your dick is metaphorically stomped on by grrl power. The second is that if you have a woman in your life, chances are she will make you see it.

Despite being one of the worst representations of women in modern culture, it was one of the highest-rated shows on HBO ever, and now all the boyfriends who managed to have a macrame class every Sunday night will have no legitimate excuse for not going (for some reason, “I have testicles and hate you” is not considered a legitimate excuse). And since the movie is a continuation of the series, there’s a good chance your gal’s going to want you to brush up on the show so you’ll know what’s going on.

After all, you wouldn’t want to miss out on all the referential subtext when Big tells Carrie he “knows what she did last summer.” It’s kind of like watching all the Star Wars movies the day before seeing Episode III, except, almost impossibly, it ends even more painfully."

There are also some delicious turns of phrase in this article Sex and the City: Give the People What They Want.

Check it: "In a show of solidarity, Sarah Jessica Parker slips in the the fugliest, anorexia-accentuating, erection-obliterating outfit in creation. Apparently, Pippi Longstocking is all grown up, and not even crystal meth gets her blood to circulate."

And: "At about the movie’s halfway mark, the producers trick the audience’s male genitalia out of hiding with younger stand-ins.

And then the ladies return to remind us true beauty knows not the ravages of time. Now THAT’S what I’m talking about! I want to make sweet love. (To that airbrush.)"

Brilliant.

What's the deal with all of the skull fucking?

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 21:27:00 +0000

Finally! One of those Washington Fat Cats gets around to addressing this epidemic.
Live From Congress: The Skull Fucking Bill Of 2007 (Sorry, Grandma. But it is how I feel. And I'm sticking to it.)

What's the deal with MC Ahmadinejad?

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 04:00:00 +0000

You know what I hate more than brutal Middle-Eastern leaders?

Bad manners.

OK. Just bear with me.

The thing that bothers me about Ahmadinejad's visit to Columbia was not his rambling delusions, nor his monstrous past. Not the forum granted him by the University, nor the moral outrage of his opponents. What bothers me was his introduction. When introducing the President of Iran, Lee C. Bollinger of Columbia University referred to Ahmadinejad as "brazenly provocative or astonishingly uneducated," noted that he exhibits "all the signs of a petty and cruel dictator" and challenged his "intellectual courage."

Seems like a bit of a sneak attack and runs contrary to standards of etiquette and politeness. It reinforces the sterotype of Americans as boorish. Right or wrong, Ahmadinejad was granted a platform by the University. I am not going to argue the validity of the above statements and I am not going to say that these things shouldn't be said. But I do believe that the introduction was not the time to do so. Hell, even 10 seconds after the intro was completed, Bollinger could have said these things and I wouldn't have found them objectionable.

Bollinger defended his actions by stating that the Iranian President had been warned that he would be subjected to harsh challenges. “The norm of civility which we all love can make it very difficult in a context such as this to lay out fully the disagreement,” Bollinger state. “These are not small matters, questioning or denying the Holocaust ... [and] making threats against the state of Israel. ... You need to have an opportunity in a true exchange to express as fully as you possibly can with as much emotion as is required.”

But the question remains: Why provide a platform under the auspices of free speech and then make an introduction in a way that does not facilitate such speech?

On the subject of introductory etiquette, McGill Toastmasters had this to say:

"Every Speaker deserves a thoughtful and helpful introduction. The best introductions are two-way, just as personal introductions are. You introduce the Speaker to the audience and the audience to the Speaker, establishing a common bond between them, a basis of mutual views and interests...An introduction is a mini-speech with the same elements as a prepared speech...You should set the mood of the audience for this particular speech, an especially challenging task if there is a marked change from the mood of the preceding talk."

Somewhere, Emily Post is rolling over in a mass grave.

Adding further insult, Reuters reported that the selected emissary from Washington was a "low level note-taker" and that this should be construed as a "powerful message" to Iran's leader. This, too, seems an unnecessary provocation. The need to explain this snub is graceless whereas the unremarked-upon action could have been more powerful and culturally sophisticated.

Anyhow, this is just my opinion. But I am sticking to it.

What's so great about Halo 3?

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 15:41:00 +0000

You know what I love?

Killer apps.

Tuesday was another huge day in the history of entertainment. In one single day, Halo 3 earned a whopping $170 million - more than Spider-Man 3 during its opening weekend. And this is the game that Microsoft needed in order to gain a foothold in Japan.

The game is incredibly slick, well-paced and just plain fun. (My enthusiasm is somewhat muted, though, after the release of Bioshock - a game that deserves recognition as the best game of 2007.) Crunchgear.com went so far as to say that "Halo 3 is indeed better than when your wife got pregnant."

Anyone? Fellas?

Microsoft's Halo 3 earned an estimated $170 million in its first 24-hours on sale.
Dan Nystedt, IDG News Service
Wednesday, September 26, 2007 11:00 PM PDT

Microsoft Corp.'s alien-killer gaming thrill, "Halo 3," has broken the U.S. sales record for a new video game by garnering an estimated US$170 million in its first 24-hours on sale, the company said late Wednesday.

The performance beat the previous record setter, predecessor Halo 2, which raked in $125 million within 24-hours after its launch.

That's not all. Halo 3 has beaten other records as well. More than 1.7 million copies of Halo 3 were pre-ordered in the U.S., making it the fastest pre-selling game in U.S. history, Microsoft said. The game also drew over a million Xbox Live members to play online in the first 20-hours on offer, making it the biggest day for Xbox Live gaming in history.

The video game industry has enjoyed sizzling sales this summer in the U.S, according to the industry researcher, NDP Group. In August, video game software sales rose nearly 23 percent year over year to $488 million, while overall industry sales totaled $993 million, including consoles and other hardware.

Sales figures for Halo 3 were collected for the U.S. only, and the figure will likely stand much higher after Microsoft tallies results from overseas. Halo 3 launched in 37 countries at midnight on Sept. 25 and is available in 17 languages. It retails for around $60.

The title could go on to become one of the top international sellers of all time, but it faces stiff competition. The top selling console game of all time, not originally bundled with a console, is Pokémon Red, Blue and Green, at 20.08 million units, according to figures compiled from the Web site Magic Box's Japan Platinum Game Chart and its U.S. Platinum Videogame Chart..

Who doesn't love monkeys?

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 15:38:00 +0000

Even a curmudgeon like me loves monkeys. I realize that a chimp isn't a monkey, but who am I offending? I refuse to go all PC with the entirety of the simian world.

What's the story with unfinished epics?

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 18:58:00 +0000

You know what I hate?

12,000+ page series that never conclude due to the death of the author.

Today marked the passing of New York Times bestselling author Robert Jordan, author of the grandiose, sprawling and sometimes unnecessarily detailed Wheel of Time series.

This very event has been a fear of mine for many years - 15, I suppose. Once the series ballooned beyond 5 books, it became increasingly clear that the story could not be resolved with anything approaching expediency. To me, it seemed that Jordan had lost track of many (what appeared to be) central plotlines and spent thousands of pages on rambling asides and unmapped tangents. That aside, I truly enjoyed the books and was always excited when one was released. Yet, I had a sense of foreboding that Jordan would be struck by a bus and unable to complete the yarn.

Well, it happened on Sunday. He was 58. And the bus took the form of a rare blood disorder.

While his family has been informed as to some of the major resolutions, it doesn't appear that there is anyone around for the final book to get Brian Herberted. (That's right. Brian Herbert is now a verb. )

My true condolences to his family and friends.

You had to know that some dicks out there were sayin' this.

Why do children ruin everything?

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 19:09:00 +0000

Now you all know my slogan: Babies kill dreams.

So it will come as no surprise that I hate child actors.

I love Shakespeare but A Midsummer Night's Dream is far-and-away my least favorite play.

Add them together and it's an evening of cultured misery. Not cultured like yogurt. Cultural. Maybe that's what I am saying.

In any case, this year's second Shakespeare in the Park production from the Public was Midsummer. And lackluster director Daniel Sullivan chose to cast children in the roles of the fairies. Peaseblossom, Mustardseed and all of your favorite fairies (favorite supernatural fairies, that is) were played by frightful little urchins.

Most of the kids were passable. Annoying, but no moreso than any other.

But one kid in particular drew the eye with his painfully self-conscious acting style. This monstrous moppet was a veritable comedic singularity. Young _______ _______, dull eyes staring vacantly at the world, was stilted and wooden in his performance. Here is a Pinocchio of meticulous maternal craftsmanship. Yet, despite her art, this horrifying parody of humanity will never be a real boy.

This is all conjecture, admittedly. I drew this conclusion because of his mesmerizing awfulness and the stilted nature of his program bio which, unlike the other children, seemed clearly fashioned by an overbearing stage mother. Each of the other suckling tots mentioned things like their grade in school or love of volleyball, but this stripling listed only Off-Broadway and touring roles.

Don't give this kid anymore work, Entertainment Industry. The Performing Arts can be bad enough without him.

Of course, that is just my opinion. I stick by it, but I understand if Mama _______ wants to tell her precious spawn that I am wrong.

What's the deal with all of the pussies?

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 06:32:00 +0000

Colo. school bans tag on its playground (or "Lack of tag at Colorado school fosters generation of pussies")

"COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. - An elementary school has banned tag on its playground after some children complained they were harassed or chased against their will. "It causes a lot of conflict on the playground," said Cindy Fesgen, assistant principal of the Discovery Canyon Campus school. Running games are still allowed as long as students don't chase each other, she said. Fesgen said two parents complained to her about the ban but most parents and children didn't object. In 2005, two elementary schools in the nearby Falcon School District did away with tag and similar games in favor of alternatives with less physical contact. School officials said the move encouraged more students to play games and helped reduce playground squabbles."

Children harassed or chased against their will? However shall we divide the weak from the strong.

Running games so long as no one is chased? How will we learn who is the fastest?

No squabbling on the playground? How shall we divide the clever and the clodpated?

Cindy Fesgen - if that is indeed her name - seems to have forgotten the crucible that is elementary school. A place wherein one learns that the oblivious and the slow shall be pelted with kickballs, the scrawny and bespectacled shall be ridiculed and bullied, and the awkward ostracized. Fesgen should be telling the schoolchildren the one simple phrase that will carry them through their middle and high school years, provide a balm for their injured, and encourage the social Darwinism of public school:

Walk it off, you little fuckers.

Walk it off.

What's the deal with expensive ink cartridges?

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 21:07:00 +0000

You know what I hate? I bet that you can guess.

Yup. Expensive ink cartridges.

You get a printer with your new computer and once the ink runs out it's another 20 bucks. Buy 4 at a time and you have exceeded the value of the hardware. Is there an actual reason for this or is it a marketing coup comparable to the Gillette Mach 2 razor? In other words, has Big Ink created the kind of situation where a fundamental component of the item is exhaustible and replacements cost nearly as much as the original item? (The so-called "give away the razor and sell the blades" business model. Clever name, huh?)

Ink cartridge replacement is a $25+ billion industry. And ounce-for-ounce, Hewlett Packard ink has been shown to be more expensive than Russian caviar or human blood.

I'm not alone in my aggravation. The consumer fury was significant enough for the U.K. Office of Fair Trade launched a year-long investigation, and North Carolina governor Mike Easley signed a bill into law giving state residents the right to refill ink and toner cartridges.
Read more about this aggravating trend here.

Don't you feel like Big Ink is raping you every 200 pages? I do. And I don't like it.

This topic reminds me of Google's excellent new offering last year. Gmail Paper ostensibly offered customers unlimited hard copies of their email. Old-school, right? Google dismisses any environmental concerns thusly:

"But what about the environment? Not a problem. Gmail Paper is made out of 96% post-consumer organic soybean sputum, and thus, actually helps the environment. For every Gmail Paper we produce, the environment gets incrementally healthier."

What's the deal with all of the inconsistent bloggers?

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 01:40:00 +0000

You know what I hate?

Infrequent bloggers.

Nah. Just kidding. You know I love you. I am one myself. But I am trying to get back on track. Wearable computers and/or brainmail! Why have you forsaken me? Where is the future I was promised?

Ahem.

It's not as if there haven't been a number of things that have really chapped my hide in the past weeks. There are extenuating circumstances to be sure but, for legal reasons, it would be best to remain silent for the nonce.

OK. Here goes...these are a few of the things that I hate:

Wrinkled old Gypsy woman who cast hexes upon you.
The baggage claim protocol at Laguardia Airport.
The lack of lasers and non-medieval tools at the dentist.
The distressingly limited selection of jet-packs.
Cereals boxes that set unrealistic expectations. (No, I can't just let it go.)
Life coaches.
Bad sound-mixing by "professional" DJs.
Poor resale on the wonder of my youth.

...off the top of my head.

More specifics on the enigmatic tribulations to follow in future installments.

What's the deal with the Fortress of Solitude?

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 14:10:00 +0000

You know what I love?

Ice-cold Kryptonian getaways.

Earlier this year, Kryptonite was discovered in Serbia.

Now, a place that looks a hell of a lot like the Fortress of Solitude has been unearthed in Mexico's Naica mountain.

Cueva de los Cristales was buried 3000 feet below the mountain in the Chihuahuan desert. The structures are not ice, but rather gypsum crystal - some of which are as long as 36 feet! These crystals formed over the millenia in the mineral-rich 136 degree Fahrenheit water that was recently drained to begin mining operations.

And now, kneel before Geologist Juan Manuel Garcia-Ruiz.

What's the deal with Reese's Puffs giving kids unrealistic expectations?

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 02:11:00 +0000

You know what I hate?

Cereal boxes that raise kids' expectations to unrealistic heights.

So...

I was eating some Reese's Puffs cereal last night as is sometimes my wont, and I started reading the back of the box. What I found was "18 Things to Do Before You are 18." Let's look at them individually:

1. Ride the world's biggest rollercoaster

Not that I want to encourage shooting for mediocrity, but "Ride a Big-Ass Rollercoaster" seems more realistic. As a youth, I didn't really have the wherewithal to go to Nagishima Spaland, Japan. Would that I did as this coaster is apparently the longest, fastest and deepest which seems a much more graphic explanation than I needed.

Oh, it opened in 2000, so it wasn't available to me as a minor. Let's see...in 2000, I was...no....let's not do that.

I couldn't make it to Cedar Point, Ohio to ride the Millennium Force, either. I mean, I know that Huffys are durable bikes, but still...

[UPDATE: Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey has the fastest, the Kingda Ka. Jersey is a more reasonable destination. But, as a parent, if you allow your child to go to Jersey, haven't you failed?]

2. Bungee jump!
Most places won't let you, a minor, bungee jump unless you have a parent or guardian with you. So the goal is actually "hope that you have a parent who is into extreme sports and/or does not recognize his/her own mortality." Not exactly something adolescents have a great deal of control over. As if parental control isn't enough of a struggle for adolescents. Why not point them towards 2 specific things that they won't be allowed to do. That'll lead to harmonious times. Thanks, Reese. You Fucker.

3. Score the winning goal/basket
OK. This would be nice, too. Not a bad thing to try. And a bit of a stretch for the fat little piggies that start their day with Reese's Puffs, though. If you are successful (somehow), don't let yourself become a jock douchebag.

4. Win an award, trophy or prize
These are pretty easy to come by as a child. They give frickin' ribbons for participation in elementary school.

"Way to go, Billy! You...um...are here...doing the same thing as the rest of us...just in an inferior fashion. Maybe you'll be distracted from your own failings by this shiny ribbon."

5. Learn an instrument
Hey! Now we're getting somewhere. Yes, learn an instrument. That will build character. Check out my friend Rob's song about grade school orchestra.

If you don't have a music program at your school, take some time to learn about arts funding.

6. Go backstage at a gig (a booking for musicians )

Yes. Introduce Reese's Puffs eaters to the musician vernacular. While you're at it, tell them to do something that needs a definition. Apparently, one of the things that you absolutely must do is something with which you are completely unfamiliar.

"You muuu-ust draw me a Calabi-Yau manifold or I will kill your puppy. What's that? You have no idea what that is? That sucks."

The definition of "booking" can be found here.

7. Meet your idol
Start stalking now. You're small and nimble. What better time?

8. Play a part in your favorite TV show
Reality shows haven't demeaned the acting profession enough. Let's suggest to every frickin' kid that getting a part on a TV show is that easy.

9. Meet someone with your own name
With the good old interweb, this is easy enough. I had to wait until I was, what, 25 before I was able to locate this guy - Ross McIntyre, Aussie saxman. Or this Ross McIntyre, Transport Depot Manager. Or this Canadian Ross McIntyre, "Voice-over's equivalent to the Swiss Army knife." And I certainly didn't know about Admiral Ross McIntyre, physician to FDR.

10. Make a discovery
Does your penis count? Most boys discover masturbation in their adolescence and spend so much time with it that it may as well be the Lost City of Atlantis.

11. Get away with the perfect practical joke
The perfect practical joke. Wow. What do you have to look forward to later in life in terms of pranksterism?

12. Own a pointless collection
Pointless? Is childlike wonder pointless? I own a vast comic book collection. And I have to say goodbye, so it would appear that the answer is yes.

13. Invent a word that makes it into the dictionary
Like asstastic? Sorry. Thought I invented it, but it was already out there.

What about My recent domestic travails forced me to coin 'cunty,' but, again, it's already out there in the world.

Shitterature? Anyone? What? It's right here, in German. Dunno if that counts.

Any of those float your boat, Noah Webster?

It's not easy to successfully introduce a new word to the vernacular. It is totes not easy.

14. Conquer your biggest fear
My greatest fear is being trapped in a mayonnaise-filled room with a swarm of locusts. Tell me, Reese's Puffs, how am I going to confront that?

I learned a few weeks ago that my irrational fear of having fishing hooks catch my eyelid while someone is casting a reel is not so irrational. Happened twice to my friend's brother. WTF? It happened to NHL goalie, Glen Hanlon. I just learned that it is also the subject of one of Homer Simpson's life lessons.

Is this the birth of the fishhook in the eyelid meme? I hope so.

15. Raise money for charity
I recommend a donation to the 420 Foundation.

16. Pass your driving test the first time
And please, later in life, don't become one of these fuckers.

17. Complete a road trip coast to coast
See #1, re: parental control.

18. Reach 18 years of age-yes!!!
This is just bizarre. There is no way to ever complete this list. It is structured to be impossible. #18 cannot be achieved while under 18. Little bit of Zeno's Paradox goin' on there.

Even if I didn't have a problem with how it's phrased, simply reaching your 18th year seems a bit like a shiny, new Ribbon for Participation.

"Way to be, kid. You survived. But...you failed to complete the Reese's Puffs list, so you must be put to death."

The author of the Courtney's Contemplations blog had a very different perspective on these 18 Labors. And she gives that perspective 2 exclamation points. How can I argue with that?

"After reading the following 18 "things" that the world deems as "achievable", what conclusion do you come to?? I for one, can think of no other result other than making a "god" out of one's self. Nearly every one of these suggestions will accomplish NOTHING other than self fame and a boost of one's ego.

Young people, PLEASE don't allow the world's ideas and goals to become your own!! Accomplish the things that matter to God and have eternal results such as; being 100% sure you're going to Heaven, being surrendered to the Lord, remaining pure for your marriage day, serving others, being a witness to those that have not accepted Christ as their Saviour, being content in all circumstances, reading through the Bible every year, praying every day, honoring your parents, etc., ETC.!! You won't be sorry that you took the time to do ANY of those things!!"

I can't argue, but I can provide the suggestion that this list is vaguely pagan. She'll like that.

Anyhow...

Everything above is just my opinion (except where it's Courtney's opinion or Reese's cereal box copy). In any event, I am sticking to it.

What's the deal with 10 years ago?

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 22:44:00 +0000

You know what I hate?

Being reminded how old I am.

Bear with me because some of this might be a little harsh (although this time the lion's share of it won't be from my mind). Grandma, if you are reading this, turn away now.

So...

It recently dawned on my producing partner that Radiohead's OK Computer was released 10 years ago this summer. He went on to note that Nirvana's Nevermind was released in '92 making it 15 years old. As he was nice enough to CC his old friends with this epiphany, it drove many on the list into lachrymose reminiscence.

Not so with our mutual friend Sang Kim. Sang was a co-creator of spurn and one of the most amusingly bile-filled individuals I have ever met. Below, I have included his response to the email. And, because doing so would drive him into apoplectic fits, I have chosen to present the text unedited and unalloyed.

"Thanks a lot Neil! Thanks for the arbitrary reminder that I'm older now than I was 10 years ago. I'm gonna set you on fire next time I see you, you stupid clown f**ker!

2007 minus 1997 is 10 years. Wow. What a startling revelation that has now made me maudlin and depressed.

Oh wait... depression was what they called it 10 years ago... now the kids call it EMO. Yeah... because when I was a depressed post graduate cutting myself, I was thinking, this would make a great song.

I oughta punch you in the face, Trivedi. As if the ache in my back and soreness in my wrist from the carpal tunnel syndrome wasn't enough of a reminder. Carpal tunnel syndrome. Motherf*cker. I cannot believe people bought into this disease. Where was Carpal Tunnel when I was playing Soul Edge and Final Fantasy for 48 hours straight ten years ago?! Nowhere! That's because we called it a cramp. Shake your hand off and beat the end boss you stupid cry baby.

Speaking of music and slow moving endangered herbivores like Morrissey, check this out:

No Doubt - 'Don't Speak'
Fiona Apple - 'Criminal'
The Verve - 'Bittersweet Symphony'
Hanson - 'Mmmbop'
Chumbawamba - 'Tubthumping'
Cornershop - 'Brimful Of Asha'
Aqua - "Barbie Girl"
Smash Mouth - 'Walkin' On The Sun'
Sugar Ray - 'Fly'
Sublime - 'Wrong Way'

This is what people were putting on their mix-tape back in 1997... well other people... I'd rather fellate a panda then listen to half of those songs. And oh yes... I said make mix tape... which took a modicum of talent as opposed to burning a CD or downloading a playlist. Which now would probably include this awful dreck:

Rihanna – ‘Umbrella’
Fergie – ‘Big Girls Don’t Cry’
Plain White T’s – Hey there Delilah
Maroon 5 – Makes me Wonder
Timbaland – The Way I Are
Linkin Park – What I’ve done
T-Pain featuring Yung Joc - Buy U A Drank

Call me old fashioned, but I would like some level of literacy in my songs... hell... I'd just settle for understanding what the band name is. The only song up there I can barely tolerate is Hey There Delilah but I can only listen to it once a day otherwise I start growing fallopian tubes outta of my ears. "

Good times.

It's just Sang's opinion, but if I know him at all, he stands by it.

spurn at The PIT starting this Saturday!

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 16:41:00 +0000

You know what I love?

spurn's signature blend of comedy and pathos.

You should totes check us out.

“Disgusting, horrifying, amusing.” – TimeOut NY

spurn
July 7, 14, 21 @ 8PM
The PIT (154 W. 29th Street)
Tickets: $10.00

spurn returns THIS SATURDAY for a limited engagement at The People's Improv Theatre! This is your first of just 3 chances to see the "relentlessly funny" (Village Voice) comedy that has entertained nearly 1 million people online!

All performances are on Saturday at 8:00 PM at The Peoples Improv Theater, 154 W. 29th Street (between 6th & 7th Ave). Your favorite cast of hotheads is back, now joined by two new members as well as new director Gary Upton Schwartz. Running time is one hour. Tickets are only $10 for general admission, a mere half the cost of spurn’s regular price. Better still, alcohol is served at the theater. That’s right, ice cold beer on a hot summer night while you settle in for an evening of harrowing comedy! Does it get any better?

Come see the show that TimeOut NY says is “sketch of the classic, polished variety.” To ensure seating, you can now even buy tickets in advance through brownpapertickets.com. For further information on the show or the theater, please visit spurn-nyc.com or The PIT schedule page.

Also, feel free to take in any of the 25+ spurn video podcasts, either by subscribing through the iTunes Store or viewing on YouTube, MySpace, Veoh, Grouper and many, many others!

See you at the show!

- Neil Trivedi & Ross A. McIntyre

What's the deal with Scott's Oquaga Lake House in Deposit, NY?

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Sun, 01 Jul 2007 22:11:00 +0000

You know what I hate?

Skanky, dank, depressing family resorts whose rooms haven't been cleaned since the late '60s. Especially if you are forced to stay in them for 2 nights due to a wedding.

Below you may find my Yahoo Travel review (entitled "Scott's: The Worst Place on Earth") and I encourage you to read some most entertaining reviews from other wedding guests.

Bear with me. It gets a little harsh. Grandma, if you're reading this, you might want to stop here...

This resort is an absolute disaster. Their sign aptly offers "The Fun." (The quotes are theirs.) I suppose that here "The Fun" is a euphemism for "Horrible, dank and filthy accommodations, stomach-turning food and a complete absence of the most basic amenities."

Scott's is foul.

I have never been skeeved out by a room and I have absolutely no problem sleeping in rat-holes that charge appropriately. Despite my complete lack of standards, Scott's was unutterably abominable. I slept in my clothes both of the required 2 nights. The carpet was crunchy.

Lemme say that again: the carpet was crunchy. Ugh.

Want more? Here it is:
- The room showed definite signs of vermin and I left with a very suspicious spider-like bite.
- The food was barely edible (and cold, to boot).
- A bag of garbage remained outside of our neighbor's door for 36 hours.
- Apparently, one has to request hot water in advance because none was available while I stayed there.

Oh, and we were woken up at 9AM by Housecleaning. WTF? Where were you before we arrived?!?

The positive reviews astound me as this was the single WORST PLACE I HAVE EVER STAYED!
My opinion. I stand by it.

What's the deal with all of the terrible drivers?

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 17:18:00 +0000

You know what I hate?

Terrible drivers.

Now, bear with me because this may sound a bit harsh.

See, I just got back from a wedding upstate and was reminded (yet again) of how thankful I am that I do not have to deal with traffic on a daily basis. Thanks to my NYC residency, driving can be purely elective and not a requirement. I can't imagine how people do it on a daily basis. And here's why:

1) Tailgating is no longer frowned upon.

Used to be that the rule of thumb was that you should keep 2 car lengths between each automobile on the freeway. Nowadays, it is the de facto standard to drive no more than 8 feet behind the car in front. Tailgating is so commonplace that Pennsylvania has placed large circles on the I-81 freeway indicating proper distance between cars.

The whole flash-your-lights pass request seems to have vanished entirely. People are probably worried about gang initiations.

"Get off my ass, Speedy. I am already driving 10 mph above the speed limit and I am blocked in on either side. Patience, young padawan."

This problem leads directly into the next one.

2) Braking on the freeway is perfectly acceptable.

If you leave enough space between your car and the next, you won't have to brake for most of your trip. Obviously, if there is an accident or problem, it may still be necessary, but it should not happen ever few minutes.

"It's just good sense, assbag."

3) If a lane is closing, you should stay in that lane until the very last second, thereby slowing down everyone else.

Time was, there was just one dickhead who would stay in the lane until the merge was forced. Now that lane stays as busy as another through the length of the closing. It's fundamentally inconsiderate as it slows down the entire traffic organism by forcing deceleration. But along with this inconsiderate behavior comes a kind of entitlement. These drivers no longer even wave to the person who let them merge in front of them.

"No, you shithat. I see no reason to let you in ahead of me if you have been aware for more than 1 mile that the lane is closing."

4) Talking on the cell is much more important than safe driving.

It is. Because surely every conversation is life or death. Every call ends in the closing of a multi-billion dollar deal. Every time the phone rings in the car, someone is dead.

What happened to all of the rules of thumb? Have we completely lost those thumbs and chosen a culturally atavistic route? Must we collectively ensure that Road Rage is an everyday occurrence? Do we all have to be such selfish scrotes?

Thanks to where I live, I don't have to be. What's your excuse?

Anyhow, this is just my opinion. But I am sticking to it.

High Definition Douchebags

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 17:21:00 +0000

Have you been unfortunate enough to see the advertising for the new Mojo HD programs? Well, you have now.

Apparently, they fancy themselves a niche programming block (a la Adult Swim) for "men who live accomplished and adventurous lives."

But let's take a closer look - and, like a spoiler warning, I will say that there is excessive vitriol ahead... These are actually the guys Grandma would call "douchebags." Who really wants to watch segments that involve any of these fuckers? Wouldn't you rather empty the pockets of their eurotrash garments, remove the roofies that allow them to ever have sex, dose them with said roofies, lubricate a High Def TV using their excess hair gel and shove it straight up their cavernous assholes?

Of course you would.

To learn more, I advise you check out this blog on Exposing the Urban Douchebag or, for some assistance in identifying them on sight, go to Douchebags Galore or (provided the site is repaired) hotchickswithdouchebags.com.

spurn - the interview (part 4 of 4)

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 15:33:00 +0000

It's tough being the new guy. --- Just one of over 20 shorts available from spurn whom the Village Voice calls "relentlessly funny." --- www.spurn-nyc.com

Batmax

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Tue, 29 May 2007 23:40:00 +0000

So...Chris Nolan is apparently filming portions of Dark Knight (the sequel to Batman Begins) on IMAX stock which is a unorthodox and unprecedented move despite the fact that you may have seen standard features on the IMAX in the past. And yes, he is just plain Chris to me.

Anyhoo...this guy from Film Ick is pretty fired up. And he has a great grasp of filmmaking (although we have to assume that such is the case with Nolan).

Here's What's Wrong With The Bat For IMAX

USA Today have broken the news that The Dark Knight will be released to IMAX cinemas. Sounds like a good move, eh? It's not that simple however... we'll get into that in a moment... but first... the pictures.

Yep, they also included two pictures - one of masked bank robbers, one of whom may be The Joker (my money's on the one in the back) and another in which, indeed, The Joker appears without his mask. Let's take a look at them, before we go on...

Quite a cleverly chosen pair of pics, I feel. I've been quite impressed by the marketing of this film so far.

So, back to the problems. What's up with this decision to shoot on the IMAX format? Well, there's two things.

The first isn't specifically an issue this time round but in the case of every feature film shot on IMAX. Simply put, composing images and editing them together for a screen of that size is a trickier thing than working for, say, a decent sized cinemascope frame.

Imagine a simple conversation comprised of two set-ups, each of them over the shoulder shots. Now imagine the sequence cutting back and forth between the two of these pieces of footage. The eye has to travel, on each cut, from side to side of the screen, and this takes time, particularly as the eye has to read a large area ofd information to find a new focal point. And this time is instrumental in the precision of an edit. The difference in scale between a small cinema screen (think about those in the dark recesses of a smaller multiplex, where films wind up after five weeks on release or so) and an IMAX screen is enough to require different edits. Really - to make your cuts absolutely smooth in even a simple conversation scene can require a frame or two, maybe even three or four, of alteration between these two scales. That's assuming, of course, the perfect edit is something we're seeking.

Okay, this isn't a deal-breaker when we're only talking about conversations, about the ping-pong back and forth between two over the shoulder shots. When you start dealing with fast action, multiple angles and complicated shifts in screen geography, however, you might start finding your film unravelling a little. The kinetics of a sophisticated action sequence can be disturbed quite seriously by not taking the scale of the finished product into account.

So, the question now becomes, does Nolan leave a buffer in his edits to allow for the massive scale of the IMAX screen, of the immense, detailed images that the eye has to navigate - even though this might make the film seem a tiny bit sluggish in a normal auditorium or on TV? If he can't work the format pefectly, he'll be left with a trade off between clarity and pace when, really, both are equally important.

That's always an issue, and not specific to this case. And there are solutions, there are ways to stage and cut your sequences to sidestep the problem. But these solutions are tricky to keep in sight, aren't something directors and editors are widely skilled or experienced in, and not everybody is going to be able to pull it off.

And of course, to make matters worse, Nolan is using the IMAX format for only the action scenes of his film - where the above problem will be at it's most noticeable. But this fact also leads us on, however, to the other problem, the one specific to this project.

According to USA Today, the IMAX format is only being used for four action sequences. Nolan explains that these four scenes will 'fill the IMAX screens' - the implication being that the others won't.

Just a few days ago I was listing films that are in more than one aspect ratio during their running time - suddenly, here's another for the list. In the other cases, however, the change was always made horizontally: the film widened, or narrowed. That isn't the case here - this time, the film is to become taller, to expand vertically. And while a horizontal shift isn't exactly invisible, it's much less distracting than a vertical change - at least at this scale.

So, four times throughout his film, Nolan is to suddenly shift the window on his film's world. Four times throughout his film, he's to take his audiences by the scruff of their necks and pull them back into their cinema seats, remind them just how artificial an experience they are having. This is just the same problem the IMAX version of Superman Returns had (without the sideshow bonus of 3D). It's simply not a good idea - and four times, throughout the film? And just as momentum is supposed to be building?

Terrible move. Terrible.

My early recommendation is to avoid the IMAX release of The Dark Knight altogether. Hopefully the compositions in the action scenes will work fine on a normal cinema screen too, and the film will therefore at least have one 'optimum' version.

We're only just starting to see the damage that DVD and home cinema have really done to cinema. They've squashed audience sizes just enough that studios, directors, exhibitors and distributors are turning to William Castle novelty and chicanery, no matter the cost to the film. I hope they stop these silly sideshow gimmicks right now and simply get on with the matter of making all of their films in 3D. That's not only the best solution they have, it represents a genuine step forward in cinema.

spurn - the interview (part 3 of 4)

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Wed, 23 May 2007 16:01:00 +0000

What kind of position is this again? --- Since 2001, spurn has been entertaining NY audience with their "relentlessly funny" (Village Voice) comedy that can only be considered "Disgusting. Horrifying. Amusing." (TimeOut NY) --- www.spurn-nyc.com

On Newsday.com, On TV, and On the Lot

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Mon, 21 May 2007 20:29:00 +0000

My good friend and longtime collaborator appears in FOX's "On the Lot" which premieres tomorrow night. Check out his site for more info and take a moment to watch "The Motel," a film that I produced and performed in back in 2006. The following article is from Newsday.com: Making the directors' cut Spielberg wanna-bes shoot for a chance to be filmmakers BY DIANE WERTS diane.werts@newsday.com May 22, 2007 The next Steven Spielberg? That's the potential being used to tantalize viewers by the new competition series "On the Lot." The Fox network is only too eager to tell us this summer show originates from the high-powered partnership of reality über-producer Mark Burnett and cinemaster S.S. himself. One of the contest's 50 directing semifinalists will win a million-dollar development deal with Spielberg's DreamWorks studio and an office you-know-where. Long Islanders "On the Lot" "On the Lot" premieres Tuesday at 9 on Fox/5 with two local luckies amid the soon-to-be-winnowed throng gathered for final auditions at Hollywood's Universal Studios - singer- actress-filmmaker Tamela D'Amico, a 27-year-old raised in Deer Park, and Jarett Bellucci, a 29-year-old director of commercials and music videos from East Northport. Bellucci was quick to return an inquiry call last week, right after Fox announced which of the project's 12,000 short-film submitters had made it to tonight's premiere episode. That process took a year, during which applicants had to submit a five-minute self-directed film. Introducing his effort on camera, Bellucci dressed himself up as "a really bad Steven Spielberg, like a caveman version, and tooted Jarett's horn while I sat next to him," split-screen-style. "I didn't want to be one of those contestants who submits a tape that says how much I really deserve this. Because we all think we're amazing." His cheek, and badly bearded Spielberg cheeks, caught the eye of competition judges. They then assigned "another short film in order to prove that I was the director who made that film," Bellucci says, a reality-check of the applicant's mettle. "Maybe someone's film took a month to make, maybe someone's took a year. This would level the playing field, with everybody taking the same amount of time and making the same theme." He made that cut, too, and flew out to Los Angeles in early April for the audition round that will determine the 18 finalists for the 13-week summer series. The group gathered there included students, parents, ordinary folks desperate to direct, and also, like Bellucci, some lower-level film industry careerists who wouldn't mind an express ride to the top. Short attention-span films Bellucci is bouncy on the phone, sanguine about the opportunity but also realistic and a bit nonchalant. "You know what's funny? All the filmmakers I met" during the premiere shoot - where further tests included a pitch meeting and quickie shoot assignments (first, 24 hours; then a mere 60 minutes) - "everyone aspires to be the next Spielberg, the next [Stanley] Kubrick," he says. "But I really love music and videos and commercials - maybe because I'm part-ADD, who knows? I love staying within that 30-seconds/3-minutes realm of thinking." He's got his own production company, Bazaar Films, which specializes in videos for unsigned bands. Current big-time shoots feature singers Trevor Hall and Ari Hest, and Bellucci's ad resume lists Forbes and Toyota. He wasn't waiting anxiously by the phone for that "On the Lot" call. "I'm very honored to be among the chosen few, but I'm busy, and I really didn't care" as urgently as some of the other semifinalists who met judges Carrie Fisher, Brett Ratner, Garry Marshall and Jon Avnet in Hollywood. One guy broke into tears when things didn't go well, Bellucci reports. "I said, 'Listen, man, you're gonna be on national television crying. Don't lose your cool over this show. This business builds you up, and it crushes you down.'" Sometimes in the same 60- minute episode. "On the Lot" concludes its audition round Thursday at 9:25 p.m. on Fox. The first productions by the chosen semifinalists air in a "film premiere" episode May 28 from 8 to 10 p.m. Then viewer votes start determining which contestants get eliminated, in shows airing Tuesdays at 8 p.m. Home-grown movies Want to see what films got the locals into the finals? Visit the show's official site, thelot.com, which also hosts the latest movie news, blogs and message boards for the show's filmmaking community. Click directly to Bellucci's film, "The Motel," at films.thelot.com/films/694, or D'Amico's, "Volare," at films.thelot.com/films/60.

Mary Jane: Gateway to Cheesecake?

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Thu, 17 May 2007 20:27:00 +0000

OK. It's arguable that this is needless spider-cheesecake, but come on...she is a super-hot actress and model in the comics. Is it surprising that she would wash the spidey togs like this?

An actress....and a model....come on... ;)

More on ‘the Mary Jane as washerwoman statuette’
Thursday May 17, 2007, 9:12 am

The Toronto Star and Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch blog check in on the fracas over Sideshow Collectibles’ new Mary Jane statue.

The Star’s article, by pop-culture writer Malene Arpe, is more thorough, and less anachronistic weird, than yesterday’s piece in the New York Post. Arpe, who calls the collectible “the Mary Jane as washerwoman statuette,” talks to Elizabeth McDonald of Girl-Wonder.org, and gets the following statement from Marvel:

“The Mary Jane statuette is the latest release in a limited edition collectibles line. The item is aimed at adults that have been long-time fans of the Marvel Universe. It is intended only for mature collectors and sold in specialty, trend, collectible and comic shops — not mass retail.”

Meanwhile, PopWatch’s Gary Susman laments the statue didn’t make the rounds a few weeks earlier, when it could’ve been included among the “Ten Worst Spider-Man Tie-Ins,” alongside the dog costume and boxer shorts.

And, finally, an update of sorts that that New York Post article: The “irate Canadian lass” has been identified as Rachelle Goguen of Living Between Wednesdays, who gleefully embraces the ’50s-esque moniker. “Honestly, have any three more beautiful words ever been strung together?” she writes.

spurn - the interview (part 2 of 4)

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Wed, 16 May 2007 00:29:00 +0000

It's the executive gauntlet! - One of over 20 shorts available at www.spurn-nyc.com. The Village Voice calls us "relentlessly funny" and TimeOut NY can say only this: "Disgusting. Horrifying. Amusing."

spurn - the interview (part 1)

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Tue, 08 May 2007 00:48:00 +0000

Unemployment is running out. Guess it is that time again...

The Real World/ DC Universe Crossover

noreply@blogger.com (Ross A. McIntyre) — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 21:45:00 +0000

KRYPTONITE DISCOVERED IN SERBIA The line between comic book fiction and reality blurred together today in the form of a white, brittle rock. Kryptonite, the sometimes green, glowing mineral that has plagued Superman for decades was discovered somewhere outside the confines of a paneled page – specifically, Serbia. A new mineral, matching the chemical composition for kryptonite suggested in ‘Superman Returns,’ was discovered by a team of geologists in a Serbian mine, according to London’s Natural History Museum. Unable to find a suitable match to a known mineral, the geologists turned to the Internet, which revealed the rock’s relation to the most famous element in comic books. “The universe is full of mysteries, and some have been foreshadowed by comics,” said Paul Levitz, DC Comics President and Publisher. “We look forward to scientists figuring this one out.” The real world version of “kryptonite” – which according to media reports will be officially named “jadarite,” after the place where it was discovered and because it does not contain the element krypton – is white, does not glow and is reportedly harmless to humans and/or natives of the planet Krypton. Despite the harmless nature of this world’s kryptonite, Superman is far from off the hook. The first storyline in the newly-launched ongoing SUPERMAN CONFIDENTIAL series, from writer Darwyn Cooke (New Frontier) and artist Tim Sale (whose work has been featured on NBC’s “Heroes”), revealed a new take on Superman’s first encounter with the malicious mineral, and how it affected a young Superman’s early career as a hero. The mineral, which is a potential source of lithium and boron, will be put on display tomorrow at the West London museum. Reports that the mineral will be encased in lead are unconfirmed.