McSweeney’s

These Exciting Progressive Candidates Who Might Lose Must Be Replaced by Boring Moderates Who Will Definitely Lose

Dorian Fox — Tue, 08 Sep 2026 13:00:00 -0400

Here at the DNC, we’ve been dismayed by the string of progressive and socialist candidates who’ve recently won primaries in Michigan, Colorado, and even deep-red Florida. Sure, these folks might stir up enthusiasm and make a splash online, but when they’re tested in a general election, they’re bound to lose.

These fringe upstarts are speaking unabashedly about our country’s crushing affordability crisis and utter lack of a social safety net. That’s the kind of frank, uncompromising honesty that scares independent voters away. They’ve floated ideas like abolishing prisons and taxing the ultrarich, and yeah, we sort of see where they’re coming from, but we’d never say so out loud. They’re brash and messy on social media and dress like a cultural studies faculty meeting at Brown. They’re young and charismatic and, in some cases, muscled and hunky. We don’t like that. If you’re going to be hunky, you better start talking about building bridges and donor meet-and-greets real quick, to put us at ease.

As we’ve long held, the smartest midterm strategy is to do what we’ve always done: Play it safe, tack to the center, and hope for the best. Go small and predictable, or go home—are we right? Of course we’re right. That’s why we currently have $16 million in our coffers and upwards of $17 million in debt, which should comfortably buy one to three of our hand-picked congressional contenders a spate of crippling attack ads that will run for the first few days of October.

Yeah, we know, we’re seen as boring and old and out of touch. But we’re hungry for progress. As long as it feels scripted and familiar. We’re ready to usher in profound change, abstracted into a focus-group-tested campaign slogan.

We realize we’re up against an extremist far-right machine that has $130 million in its war chest, no scruples about denying facts or undermining democratic processes, and moves in terrifying, cultish lockstep. Given this unprecedented threat that’s pushed our republic to the brink, we suppose we could break the mold and risk candidates who are novel and scrappy and even, dare we say, radical—taking a cue from Mamdani’s commanding mayoral win in New York, the enduring appeal of DSA firebrands like AOC and Bernie Sanders, the shaky showings of establishment candidates we’ve backed in recent presidential cycles, and the Mariana Trench–level unpopularity of the Democratic brand overall—but that’s not the DNC way.

When our opponents go low, we go into neutral. When they serve up a DQ Blizzard full of nails, we order sugar-free froyo in a waffle cone. When they go Napalm, we go Lysol. When they go brazenly cruel and corrupt, we mention it at a press conference. Then we have a friendly meeting with them to explore common ground.

We know Americans are angry, and according to polls, that anger cuts across parties and demographics and could be the very thing that pulls this weary, divided nation together and forges a new kind of coalition that votes on systemic issues rather than partisan identity. And what better way to harness that collective outrage than to cue up a PowerPoint about infrastructure and get into the weeds, baby?

So, let those pie-in-the-sky utopian dreamers appeal to the frustrations of Americans who might want to one day own a house or afford a root canal without missing rent. Let them project a posture of social care that directly implicates climate-denying corporations, marauding ICE agents, billionaire donors, and the reckless techno-elite. If you ask us, that’s electoral suicide. Sure, these are issues we’ll talk about to shore up the sympathies of the base, which is good politics. But we don’t actually plan to fight for them if it means rocking the boat of the status quo, even if that boat is sinking under its own weight, most of its sails are on fire, and the majority of its passengers are crammed in the hold fighting over scraps of orange peel.

So as this crucial, do-or-die election season continues to unfold, we urge you to vote sensibly. Risk normalcy. Vote your outrage, and then scratch out that vote and tell the poll workers you messed up, ask for a fresh ballot, and pick someone else. Vote for blazers, not trailblazers. Vote with your head and your gut, as if you’ve just popped a handful of Tums and a Lorazepam.

Above all, let us be your wary, unimaginative guide, despite the seductive allure of candidates who say things that actually resonate and meet the moment. We’re confident we know what’s best because we have experience and precedent on our side, which means avoiding anything scary and new that isn’t supported by big data. Trust us.

Selected Calendar Times for Someone Self-Employed Who Works from Home

John Moe — Tue, 08 Sep 2026 08:00:00 -0400

September 14
1:30 p.m.–2 p.m.
Team meeting and staring session w/ strange spot on wall (weekly, recurring)

Heads of facilities and maintenance (both self) invited to offer theories, ideas
HR and Marketing leads (both self) invited to explore the idea of naming the spot “Linda” and giving her director-level position as reward for attendance and persistence

- - -

September 15
10 a.m.–11 a.m.
Performance improvement plan for intern/dog 1

Advise on how blinking, uncomprehending stare fails to advance company goals
Initiate dialogue on treat schedule
(Monochromatic PowerPoint deck needed)

2:30 p.m.–3:15 p.m.
YouTube viewing session (humans only)

Red Bull soapbox race wipeouts
Bigfoot as trans-dimensional being
“Holy Diver” by Dio

3:15 p.m.–3:20 p.m.
Contingency planning if boss (self) asks about applicability of videos to job description and company goals

3:20 p.m.–3:40 p.m.
A few more videos

4:00 p.m.–4:01 p.m.
Consider spending more time on LinkedIn because that’s what professional career people with career jobs do or something

4:01 p.m.–4:05 p.m.
Deep-breathing exercises

- - -

September 16
11 a.m.–12 p.m.
Zoom call with actual human clients who are not self

Ensure smiling papier-mâché heads of clients (for companionship) are not visible to clients via desktop camera

12 p.m.–12:45 p.m.
Recraft papier-mâché client heads to make eyes less predatory, smiles less demonic

Consider voice-activated chip to make voices say “Mm-hm” or “Good idea” when prompted

12:45 p.m.–2 p.m.
Research price/availability of client head alternatives

Styrofoam heads for wig/hat modeling with color print headshots attached with pushpins?
Acquire/modify some Teddy Ruxpins?
Hire professional scarecrow makers (exist?) for commissioned work

7 p.m.–8 p.m.
Meeting w/ Self-Loathing and Narcissism departments/tendencies to brainstorm exciting new potential collabs

- - -

September 17
10:30 a.m.–12:30 p.m.
Offsite team-building retreat at café with unwitting part-time staff/baristas and volunteers/customers

Coffee and treats available (cash bar)

2 p.m.–2:30 p.m.
All-staff nap-finding mission

Papier-mâché heads attendance optional but somewhat discouraged

- - -

September 18
2 a.m.–3 a.m.
Sketch out worst-case scenarios for all professional projects

3 a.m.–?
Live out most extreme ideas put forward previous meeting while asleep

- - -

September 19
9 a.m.–9:15 a.m.
Performance improvement plan for intern/dog 2

Advise on necessity of going outside even if it is raining a little
Connect need for putting on harness (dislikes) to taking walk (loves)
Presence of intern/dog 1 optional/inevitable

9:15 a.m.–10 a.m.
Supervised leashed intern/dog fact-finding/smell-finding mission

- - -

September 20
11:30 p.m. – 12 a.m.
Review and judge every decision ever made and every word ever spoken (recurring, irregularly and spontaneously scheduled)

- - -

September 21
3:15 p.m. – 3:16 p.m.
Meeting of hiring and expansion committees

4 p.m. – 4:15 p.m.
Party in the kitchen to celebrate Linda the spot’s promotion; cake provided

Why We Must Return to the Office to Use AI in Person

Jonathan Zeller — Fri, 04 Sep 2026 13:00:00 -0400

When I awoke on RTO Day (officially “Remain to Office,” since management maintained that I’d misremembered and we’d always been in office six days a week), I was not as excited as I should have been. I felt queasy at the thought of signing the Memorandum of Loving RTO as a condition of my continued employment.

I was an Associate Slop Doula for Mondo Mayo, founded as a mayonnaise company, which now sells consumer packaged goods, software as a service, and surveillance technology, and is one of three large corporations remaining on Earth. At the time, I didn’t think a full, six-day-per-week, fourteen-hour-per-day, in-office schedule was necessary to discharge my duties clicking the GENERATE button, followed by the APPROVE button, thousands of times a day on SlurryHose. But experience has shown me that I was wrong. Here’s why RTO is essential.

RTO is in accordance with Mondo Mayo’s Core Principles.

Mondo Mayo is guided by our Core Principles:

Good things are better than bad things.
“Yes, Boss. Great idea, Boss.”
More leaders mean more leadership.

These principles allow for the high productivity and rich social life at Mondo Mayo, which revolves around our twice-annual mandatory-optional-encouraged-required retreat, The Getaway, culminating in the rarely fatal mayonnaise-eating contest.

The Executron Management System has led to a surplus of leadership at Mondo Mayo. I am one of fifteen rank-and-file workers, and we are privileged to be led by thousands of Senior VPs. No other company in history has had so many leaders.

RTO adds up.

Mondo Mayo’s proprietary metrics indicate that family life can be performed remotely with greater efficiency and manager satisfaction. The Mondo Machine, rented at an affordable rate, sits in your home when you cannot be there, feeding pellets to your child, and they bond.

Our office is monitored by AI-powered Performance Enablement Software named Best Buddy, which assists and empowers me to be my best for Mondo Mayo.

It’s the perfect time to RTO, because the O is almost finished.

Mondo Mayo HQ has been under construction for twenty years, ever since Mondo Mayo acquired Shit Hell Dot AI (Mission: Make the World a Better Place) and began expansion to make room for its new employees. With no traffic, it’s only three hours from my apartment by bus. Jackhammering, large trucks labeled LOOSE ASBESTOS, and mayonnaise leaks are not interruptions to my work, but rather opportunities to hone my focus. The shaking conducting through my thin office chair that aggravates my lower-back pain is a chance to prove my mettle.

RTO is the best way to surpass SodaPorn.

I must help Mondo Mayo hit its sales targets by doula-ing effective Sales Slop generated with SlurryHose, which scrapes the web for consumers’ queries and seeks to answer them more closely than the Sales Slop from the globe’s other two remaining companies, Cagefight Pharma and SodaPorn.

SodaPorn is our rival. We are in a tense strategic alliance with Cagefight Pharma.

RTO allowed me to have a sex affair with my coworker.

Last week, while Slop Doula-ing in our open-plan seating, I noticed Blair, whose eyes I’d previously met over the trough during the mayonnaise-eating contest at the most recent edition of The Getaway.

At The Getaway, I thought I was merely caught up in the supportive pressure and wonderful isolation. But as Blair returned my stare this time, I was sure it was real, and that she felt the same.

We stole away to the abandoned Mother’s Room above the HR office and discussed our secret hatred for RTO. We began a heated affair. A contractor hit a pipe above us, so rancid mayo splattered onto our bodies as we embraced, but we were too absorbed in our passion to mind. Try doing that from home.

RTO is the best way to surpass Cagefight Pharma.

The next day, during an all-staff meeting, we learned that our main rival was Cagefight Pharma. We are now in a strategic Mondo Mayo x SodaPorn partnership.

By now, Blair and I had let our guard down. On Chatform, our internal company chat platform, we mocked what we mistakenly saw as a change in the company’s strategy (in fact, we’d always been in a strategic Mondo Mayo x SodaPorn partnership aimed at taking down Cagefight Pharma). Within minutes, we were separately called into HR.

RTO helps me be my best.

Blair and I were put on Help-You-Be-Your-Best Plans (Mondo Mayo’s version of what was once known as a performance-improvement plan). Per policy, one of us would be compassionately released and prevented by our non-compete from drawing a salary from any other company ever again.

An SVP of HR patiently, lovingly reprimanded me for my poor attitude. Why had I forgotten the Core Principles? Good things are better than bad things, and being at work (good) is better than being at home (bad). “Yes, Boss. Great idea, Boss.” And yet I wasn’t saying that. More leaders mean more leadership, but they can’t lead me if I refuse to be led. And the HR SVP had to deliver all of this while the office vibrated from construction and, at various points, mayo squirted at us out of air vents.

As part of the Fun and Love Rehabilitation, a team of buff, wise SVPs affectionately pumped Mondo Mayo into my mouth via Mayo Cannon, so that the company’s nourishing origins could be made a part of me.

An SVP of Finance, Philosophy, and Screaming came by and explained loudly that Mondo Mayo’s corporate strategy had appeared irrational to me before because its goal was never profit—it was always power. We will only reach our apex once the entire world adheres to Mondo Mayo’s Core Principles. That resonated with me.

When I said how much I loved RTO,
Mondo Mayo gave me my medicine.
(Thank you for my medicine!)

The SVP of FPS reminded me that, if I lost my job at Mondo Mayo, I would lose my generous health insurance at a time when I needed relief from my back pain. This was true, so I begged them to compassionately release Blair instead of me. I was then kindly reinstated and given a bottle of Motrin (now produced by a subsidiary of SodaPorn and not, as you’d reasonably guess, Cagefight Pharma). My back feels a little better. Plus, I have been promoted to Senior Associate Slop Doula, and I appreciate the vote of confidence. So I was more than willing to sign the Memorandum of Loving RTO, sharing my fondness for the seven-day-per-week, sixteen-hour-per-day RTO, which has always been the standard at Mondo Mayo.

I have achieved my potential. Good things are better than bad things. More leaders mean more leadership. I love Best Buddy.

About Our Super El Niño Climate Crisis–Accurate Hot Pilates Studio

Claire Guinan — Fri, 04 Sep 2026 08:00:00 -0400

Here at DIE HOT Pilates (SoHo), we do things a little differently.

We’re your new favorite fitness fusion studio blending elements of Pilates, barre, yoga, drought, inclement weather, the 1930s Dust Bowl, Zara Larsson, HIIT, cardio, cardiac arrest, and fun.

Our UNIQLO-adjacent studio is temperature-controlled to a steamy 92 degrees with 47.5 percent humidity using a combination of infrared heat and greenhouse gases. This terroir provides detox, offers a deeper stretch, and preps the body’s cardiovascular and respiratory systems for the upcoming Super El Niño, during which the planet will experience subsurface heat anomalies in the equatorial Pacific Ocean, triggering a devastating ecological chain reaction.

But we don’t balk at the heat. We say, “Bring it on, sis.” Just because those sea surface temperatures are surging doesn’t mean those booties can’t too.

PREPPING FOR HOT GIRL SUMMER
(CLIMATE CATASTROPHE)

Next year’s Super El Niño will bring intense drought, increased wildfires, and crop failure to regions in South Asia and Africa. The Americas will face torrential storms, flash flooding, and mudslides. The impact on global agriculture will lead to supply-chain shortages and food scarcity. It WILL be 105 degrees everywhere. Everyday.

But YOU—a white lady from Columbus, I think—will be in the best shape of your life, because DIE HOT preps clients for the most catastrophic climate emergencies to come.

The key to prepping for the reckoning is acclimation. Once acclimated, your trembling, hungover body will experience:

HEAT STROKE RESISTANCE
DEHYDRATION NATURALIZATION
CARDIOVASCULAR CONFUSION
FOOD DESERT ACCLIMATIZATION
+7 PERCENT ATHLETIC PERFORMANCE
+10 IN VO2 MAX FIGHT-OR-FLIGHT RESPONSE
INCREASED BLOOD PLASMA (hard to explain, but basically it’s awesome.)
LOWER CORTISOL

For proper acclimation, we recommend the monthly eight-pack wildfire unlimited package.

ABOUT OUR CLASSES

DIE HOT offers a range of classes tailored to our clients’ disaster preparedness goals, programmed by Kelly the Trainer, who once saw Jesus in a piece of avocado toast.

Trying to survive through the next decade? Try our beginner-friendly forty-five-minute Toxic Shock Express, which combines our signature hip thrust maneuver with trace emissions inhalation.

Prepping for something more extreme? Like the rapture? Try the seventy-five-minute Severe. (We are legally prohibited from describing the seventy-five-minute Severe in print.)

So what are you waiting for? (Seriously, we only have like three good years left.) Grab those hot pink Bala Bangle ankle weights, fill up the largest Stanley cup for sale on Amazon, and experience the planet your great-great-grandchildren will one day call home.

And don’t forget to use code SUFFOCATEBITCH at checkout for 20 percent off your first class. Happy Sweating!

I’m Your Friend Who Just Doesn’t “Do Politics”

Noah Seligman — Thu, 03 Sep 2026 13:01:00 -0400

Look, we’ve known each other for how many years now? You remember how we met, of course. We’re current or former work colleagues whose kids go to school or play sports together or some other extracurricular activity, so we connected on LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, and in our book club.

The point is, we’re friends. So we can talk about a lot of things, but not politics. Anyway, what do you think of Anthony Fauci not answering questions about how he worked directly with China to spread COVID and hurt Donald Trump in the election? Isn’t politics messy? That’s why I stay away from it.

I just have other interests, I guess, apart from politics. Did I tell you I’m working with the PTA in the school library to remove any books with objectionable content as I define it? It’s actually pretty easy to spot. Books with CRT, DEI, Woke, Cultural Marxism, themes like anything authored by, or picturing a non-white person as a character. We just remove the books and can dispose of them during the welcome-back barbecue this fall.

Ugh, politics—can’t stand it. It just makes people angry. That’s why I focus on my library work instead, you know?

I tend to just cherish our town and not have to think about all the problems those big blue cities have, I’m told, allegedly, I imagine. I’m glad we don’t have to worry about politics. It’s just that I still am deeply concerned about the management of New York City, a place I’ve never visited and have no connection to at all. But a Muslim socialist? No, thank you.

Let’s just stay on friendlier topics. Like the weather, that’s a safe one. Man, what a wild year, huh? Extreme freezing over the winter, and heavy record rainfall and flooding this spring. Now the historic drought and sizzling heat have made this a brutal summer, especially with all those terrible wildfires and smoke ruining air quality. All those Elon and Trump budget cuts make the weather kind of a fun surprise since there is such a dramatic reduction in forecasting, preparedness, and emergency alerts. Thank goodness there is still money available to help Americans recover from these disasters, so long as the affected community aligns politically with the president.

Listen, I like keeping my attention glued to the real America. Where I don’t have to think about politics. Are you taking a vacation this year? We would, but the cost of gas and groceries has skyrocketed with this war in Iran and all these new tariffs Trump imposed. The cost of living is absolutely crazy right now. This is why I don’t do politics. It’s just so unpleasant.

Voice of Witness Returns to McSweeney’s

Amanda Uhle — Thu, 03 Sep 2026 09:22:00 -0400

Hi everyone,

What a pleasure to share some wonderful news about the crucial work of our longtime sister organization, Voice of Witness, publisher of dozens of incredible books illuminating human rights crises.

As you may know, the leadership of VOW made the difficult decision to wind down operations as a standalone nonprofit at the end of May 2026. While this marks the end of an extraordinary chapter, it’s also a thrilling new beginning. McSweeney’s will carry forward VOW’s crucial publishing work by stewarding their backlist of books and commissioning new oral history projects. We will also be adding new tools, including a new video component, so that we can react as quickly as possible to human rights crises.

To that end, we’ve deployed journalist Jean Marseille to Port-au-Prince to report on Haiti’s ongoing challenges, made more urgent by the Trump administration’s suspension of previous protections for Haitians in the US facing deportation. Jean’s videos will give a platform to the voices of immigrants affected by the Trump administration’s planned cessation of Temporary Protected Status for thousands of Haitian Americans. We’re releasing his first video dispatch today, which you can watch below. More installments are already underway and coming soon.

McSweeney’s was the original incubator of VOW in 2005, when our founder, Dave Eggers, had the idea to use oral history to illuminate human rights crises around the world. He teamed with Dr. Lola Vollen and the UC Berkeley Graduate School of Journalism for Voice of Witness’s first book, Surviving Justice: America’s Wrongfully Convicted and Exonerated. McSweeney’s published that book and the next, Voices from the Storm: The People of New Orleans on Hurricane Katrina and Its Aftermath, in quick succession, and the series was born.

Now, our goal is to continue to publish the same high-quality oral history texts that have been available since VOW’s founding, while adding storytelling formats that will allow VOW’s work to become part of the daily conversation about ongoing crises. We believe by adding video, podcast, and more online text, we will increase the visibility of VOW’s work, and bring more readers to its current and past books. We aim to remind the public of the life-changing value of this past work, and to do vital, timely new projects to address recent human rights crises and give voice to those most affected.

McSweeney’s is a reader-funded, San Francisco-based nonprofit publisher with a twenty-eight-year history. Nothing we do is possible without the critical network of donors and friends who’ve sustained this work for decades now.

All of us at McSweeney’s are deeply committed to continuing VOW’s work with dignity and vitality. Right now, we’re gathering the resources we need to amplify voices from vulnerable communities around the world. It’s a pleasure to invite you alongside us for all the important work that’s ahead.

With gratitude for your trust and support,
Amanda Uhle
Publisher & Executive Director

P.S. Please write to me to set up a time to talk further about our immediate needs and plans. Your role in our future work is invaluable. And please watch for Jean’s video dispatches from Port-au-Prince.

McSweeney’s is a nonprofit organizations as described by IRS 501 c 3.

Barren World

Ali Fitzgerald — Thu, 03 Sep 2026 09:00:00 -0400

Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.

- - -

This Boat Is for Silent Brooding

Joe Kleinschmidt — Thu, 03 Sep 2026 08:00:00 -0400

I can tell you didn’t come to this boat expo for puerile recreation. I mean, you walked right past the Alumacraft booth. No, something tells me you understand that having a boat isn’t about holding a fishing rod and chugging a cold one. It’s really a place to harbor your most irrational avoidant thoughts.

Pique your interest, have I? Then take a look at the Gloomskiff, the finest boat on the market for silent brooding.

You see, I’ve sold this glorified driftwood pile to dozens of middle-aged men just like yourself. Men who’d normally have to resort to lawn care or listen to three-hour podcasts alone in their garden shed to avoid, say, discussing frequent urinary pain with their loved ones. What if you need to make a whole silent weekend out of stifling something important? For that, you need this single-occupant, windowless floating shanty.

Pretty, ain’t she? Those are zebra mussels on the underside. Nature’s DO NOT DISTURB sign. If a concerned pontoon owner approaches you, once they see those mollusks and the rusted nails sticking out of your hull, they’ll get it. Tells ’em you’re on the water to quietly ruminate. On your distrust of modern medicine, for example.

How’d I do it? Well, it all happened one night with a belly full of Canadian Club, sorrow in my heart, and an abnormal swelling in my piss parts. I realized my aluminum fishing boat didn’t let me go inward, mentally speaking. So, to not think about going through with a routine medical exam, I dredged the bottom of my lake. Then I nail-gunned as many rotting planks and sunken oars as I could find to build a quality repression vessel.

I was just seething inside mine over the weekend. I even sulked next to some teens bouncing off a giant inflatable. Was I outwardly spiteful seeing them frolic on that giant fun bladder before entering my hovel? Sure. Possibly. I think I growled. But I mostly let it fuel my own internal stewing about the painful mass surrounding my own bladder. It was one of my better sulks, honestly.

What do you say? For only $899, you can finally have a way to foment on freshwater.

Take a closer look and pry up that loose board under the Sulking Stool. That’s right: It’s a corncob pipe. I find copious tobacco use while spiraling really helps you block out any overly emotional voicemails you may have asking after your nether regions.

No, there are no cupholders on her. On your Gloomskiff, you must grip tightly to a dented tin can of cold black coffee, wondering if they made a new family group chat without you. To stage an intervention…

God, makes me brood just standing next to this doomed schooner…

Hey, where are you going? You didn’t even take your complimentary laminated book of sea shanties, created over years of genuine maritime hardship. Comes in handy if you’re ever in need of extra mournful material.

Seriously, the Sea-Doo booth? How the hell are you going to be maudlin on the fuchsia seat of a jet-ski?!

Generic State University Pivots to Dark Academia

Kristen Koopman — Wed, 02 Sep 2026 13:00:00 -0400

Generic State University has been proudly upholding its mission to provide opportunities and build character in all students since its founding. Now, we turn our attention to the next frontier of education: joining the ranks of Dark Academia, which we are mostly sure we could define, if pressed.

We know that Generic State would be the first land-grant institution in Dark Academia. We bear little resemblance to the current member institutions: private, elite colleges and universities with a long history of elitism, classism, and general exclusivity. Nevertheless, we believe we have a lot to bring to the table.

And not just cows, although with our agricultural programs, we’ll be bringing those too.

ARCANE TRADITIONS

Generic State boasts several football traditions capable of whipping our students into a Bacchanalian frenzy: a catalog of three official fight songs written bespoke for the University over its century and a half, five common cheers, and the football team’s ten years of consistent walk-on music in Katy Perry’s “Dark Horse.”

At Generic State, it’s normal for crowds of tens of thousands of students, faculty, alums, or even mere fans to chant, scream, cry, and occasionally bleed while exploited youths risk their bodies and minds in ritual violence to sate the bloodlust of their watchers. Surely this must be Dark Academia somehow.

And not all of our traditions are around sports. Our campus is divided by an interstate, and a single bridge joins the two halves. For decades, students have convened in the center of the bridge, joined hands, and jumped in unison to feel it bounce in resonance—a sure sign of structural instability.

This is both a potent metaphor for how our students’ carelessness leaves the world more precarious for the next generation, and a planned capital investment deferred for construction in three consecutive five-year plans.

SECRET SOCIETIES

Generic State has more students involved in Greek organizations than several current Dark Academia institutions have in their entire student body. We believe these more than fulfill the criteria regarding both violence and hedonism.

Furthermore, these fraternities create lifelong bonds between students who may never even meet, but will provide housing, employment opportunities, legal assistance, financial crimes, and abetting after the fact to their brothers without question.

THE AESTHETIC

Okay, we admit, this one is a stretch. Candlelit rooms? Against the fire code. Crowded libraries with plush armchairs stuffed into every square foot not filled with moldering bookshelves? Against the fire code. Velvet drapes? Also against the fire code, unless they’re backed with flame-retardant material.

For a general creeping sense of dread, we have a preponderance of eerie staircases that, when students aren’t rushing between classes, get empty and quiet enough to make you wonder if anything truly exists outside the stairwell; if anything has ever really existed; if the only real things in the world are the brutalist concrete beneath your feet, the worn-out textbooks disintegrating in your hands, and the sourceless echoes filling your ears and your mind and your soul.

You may worry that ADA-compliant elevators would negate the whole vibe of the stairs, but they’re almost always out of service.

CLASS WARFARE

Generic State is particularly proud of our traditions of doublethink, in which we tout our stated mission to make education accessible to all while simultaneously celebrating the clear financial winners of education (i.e., not English majors).

As of this writing, 73 percent of buildings on campus are named after wealthy alums who became wealthy donors. We take great pride in this legacy of reminding our students that we only care about their accomplishments if those accomplishments give us money.

Despite our football team having functionally no accomplishments in the past fifty years, its coach is our home state’s highest-paid public employee with an eight-figure salary. In contrast, the university’s current rate for adjunct faculty begins at a one-time stipend of $1,000 per credit hour (non-benefits-eligible).

And let’s not even get into graduate student stipends.

ANCIENT SINS

Our initial founding dates back to the Morrill Land-Grant Act of 1862, which granted funding to public state universities by selling federal land stolen from Native American tribes in what has been called, by people who are objectively correct, an imperialist genocide.

While Generic State acknowledges that secrecy and conspiracies surrounding an institution’s ancient sins are a hallmark of Dark Academia, we humbly point out that other institutions have to keep their atrocities secret to avoid notice. We have several relevant informational displays, multiple pages on the official university website, and a boilerplate Ancient Sin Acknowledgment for faculty to use, and yet we still manage to maintain widespread ignorance.

If systemic violence is insufficient to meet the requirements, we are happy to provide records documenting a long history of deeply charged emotional and/or physical attacks encouraged, or at least purposely ignored, by our administration. The past ten years alone have seen eighteen lawsuits over the school’s handling of sexual harassment. These statistics put us well within peer institutions’ benchmarks.

Overall, Generic State University and Polytechnic Institute is proud of our heritage, from the impossible-to-find memorial plaques in the campus’s slave graveyard to our unstated but consistent refusal to back our faculty’s freedom of political speech. We believe we are an excellent fit for the Dark Academia cohort and the perfect choice to begin expanding Dark Academia into land-grant institutions, and we look forward to hearing from you.

Please enjoy the complimentary plushie of our University’s mascot. If you can figure out which population its stereotypical caricature targets, please let us know; it’s been a topic of ongoing debate.

US Open Ticket Options for Ordinary Folks

JiJi Lee — Wed, 02 Sep 2026 08:00:00 -0400

The US Open prides itself on being an inclusive tennis event for people of all upper-income brackets. Here are some budget-friendly ticket options that are still available.

Underground Pass

Tennis fans can now experience the US Open as they’ve never experienced it before: one hundred feet below street level. Our new underground passes offer general admission to the US Open’s subterranean spaces: tunnels, basements, bunkers, and what we think was a catacomb. While our popular grounds pass offers a dynamic, above-ground experience at an affordable price point, it sells out within seconds. You’ll still have the same US Open experience, only now with less oxygen and closer proximity to walls stacked high with femurs. This is the perfect ticket option for fans who’d rather prioritize the vibrations of a tennis match than see Carlos Alcaraz or Iga Swiatek in person.

Price: $500
(US Open–branded head lamps are available for an additional $100.)

Gift Shop Pass

When you want to feel like you went to the US Open without having seen a single match, the Gift Shop option is for you. Don’t worry, you’ll still get to wait in a long line in the heat of the day just to enter the gift shop.

Price: $500
(There is an additional $75 charge if you’d like to stand in the shady part of the line.)

Restroomside Seats

In our restroomside seats, you’ll be up close and personal without paying exorbitant courtside prices. Sure, you’ll miss out on seeing Aryna Sabalenka’s forehand fly by your face, but you might get to see strangers adjust their fly as they leave the restroom.

Price: $500
(The WTA now requires female guests to undergo a genetic sex test before using the restroom.)

Upper Upper Tier

True tennis fans appreciate the vibes up here, and swear the vertigo adds to the experience.

Price: $1,200

Cumulus Tier

The seats in our cumulus tier have obstructed views (mainly other cumulus clouds), but the atmosphere and UV exposure are seriously intense. And if you’ve ever wanted to be at eye-level with a plane at cruising altitude, this ticket is for you.

Price: $75
(Cumulus tickets are available only with a Grey Goose VIP package for $5,000.)

Splash Zone

Reserve a seat in our lower tier, and you’ll get to be where the action is, which is right below a row of drunk tennis fans who keep leaning over their seats and spilling their honey deuces on you. Plus, from this vantage point, you’re guaranteed to see a US Open ball kid faint from the heat.

Price: $5,000

Pat LaFrieda Stadium

If you want to experience the most electrifying tennis atmosphere in the world, go to Arthur Ashe Stadium. If you can’t afford that and want to experience something completely different, go to Pat LaFrieda Stadium. Here, fans will get a front-row seat to the sweating and grunting of our line cooks. As you inhale the intoxicating aromas of grilled onions, beef patties, and body odor, you’ll almost forget that you could’ve seen Coco Gauff play in the next stadium over if you’d only been willing to max out a couple of credit cards.

Price: $1,000

Your Couch

Remember when the US Open used to be an affordable outing for the whole family? We don’t either. But for folks who also have to think about saving up for college, you can always watch the Grand Slam from the comfort of home on the ESPN channel. You’ll just have to pay extra for the ESPN plan that broadcasts all of the matches, and then sit through frequent ads for at-home colorectal-screening kits.

Future Iterations of Woke

Ginny Hogan — Tue, 01 Sep 2026 13:01:00 -0400

“‘Woke 1.0 was crazy,’ Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of New York said in a recent interview. The congresswoman, speaking on ABC’s This Week, seemed to distance herself from the positions of an era of Democratic politics around 2020… If Woke 1.0 is in the past, when did it die? And has Woke 2.0 risen from its ashes?” — New York Times

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Woke 1 was crazy! We’ll never make those same mistakes again. “Defund the police” was a really bad slogan, and we can all agree that it cost Democrats the 2020 election. Or at least, it would have, if Democrats had lost that election.

Either way, we must learn from our mistakes. We must grow, iterate, experiment, evolve, and commit to never ever, ever again post an Instagram picture of a black square. Unless there’s some kind of glitch on the app, which, given the state of the data center moratoria, is totally possible.

Anyway, yes, Woke 1 was bonkers. But we’ve learned our lesson, and the rest of the Wokes will be significantly more normal. Consider the following:

Woke 2: In Woke 2, there are no more public cancellations. We can admit those were patently unfair. No pile-ons, no quote-tweets, no internet mob learning a stranger’s middle name and employer because he was outside without a mask (while also screaming the n-word). If someone does something bad, the matter is handled by the legal system, which has promised to start working.

Woke 3: Okay, we’ve heard the backlash, and we agree that the legal system was too harsh! Of course it’s not a crime to make ONE crude comment about your breastfeeding coworker, every day for seven months. We want to be responsive. In Woke 3, cancellations are handled by the offender’s HR team. That’s much more reasonable, and plus, HR needs something to do, since we scrapped DEI policies (they ruined everything, and also did nothing). Innocent until proven guilty, or at the very least, a risk to shareholder value.

Woke 4: In Woke 4, we reflect further and decide “handled” is a bit strong. If you think about it, an HR intervention is simply a pile-on of one, and for that reason, it’s equally unfair. In Woke 4, concerns about someone’s unproblematic behavior are still valid. If you see a public figure post the r-word online, please screenshot it and store it on your phone. Obviously don’t send it anywhere—who are you, Flock? Palantir?—but keep it. As long as we’re still screenshotting things, we’ll be sure to deter unwoke behavior.

Woke 5: We acknowledge that screenshots are a privacy risk. And we certainly don’t want to be the whole entire reason Democrats lose another election! So, this round, we’re getting rid of technology. If some Karen calls ICE on a seven-year-old, we write it down in a little book. The book is private. The book stays in a locked drawer. But don’t worry: At the end of each year, we look at the drawer. Not in it, just at it. Also know that the drawer contains one (1) copy of White Fragility.

Woke 6: Here is when we’ll throw the book at unwoke behavior. Sorry, I mean that we’ll throw away the book of unwoke behavior. We’ve seen all the feedback on the very representative social media site X. We don’t want to be Regina George, just because that one Senator had the audacity to say they didn’t really care if people in nursing homes lived or died. Instead, if someone does something bad, we make brief eye contact with them. Angry eye contact.

Woke 7: In Woke 7, we come to understand that waiting for someone to do something bad before forgiving them is the mistake of Wokes 1 through 6, frankly. In Woke 7, we forgive everyone in advance, on a rolling basis, at scale.

Woke 8: At long last, there are no more consequences. Everyone is allowed to do or say whatever they want, with permanent immunity, just as long as they don’t commit the mortal sin of putting pronouns in their Instagram bio. As proof of how reasonable we are, we’ve invited OpenAI to build a data center in our community garden.

Woke 9: Oops. Things didn’t go so well with the data center. Somehow, our electric bill is $9,000. That’s on us. It’s our fault. In Woke 9, we commit ritual Social Justice Seppuku and cancel ourselves. We’ll shut up, forever. We’re gone. Poof. Vanished.

Woke 10: Woke 9 was nuts! It’s a bummer all the public parks got replaced by data centers. It’s too bad no one said anything. But at least we stopped using the phrase “BIPOC.” Woke 10—this one will be normal.

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Ginny Hogan and Carlos Greaves’s new book, Obey in Advance: How to Survive (and Thrive) Under Authoritarianism, is out later this month, but is available to preorder now from our store.

Reviews of New Food: Panera Bread Salad Stuffers

Katy Maiolatesi and Kelley Greene — Tue, 01 Sep 2026 08:30:00 -0400

Upon entering a Panera To Go restaurant, you’re greeted by barren decor: millennial-gray tiles, a row of tablets, and not a single human in sight. It’s the uncanny valley version of a fast-casual restaurant, and it’s unnerving.

As you approach the counter, it quickly becomes clear that there’s no one here to take your order; there never was. Only a menu boasting Panera’s unassuming delights sits over a long glass-enclosed case, with a sparse selection of baked goods and pastries to greet you. It’s hard to judge how long the pastries have been there, because there are no people. The blondies do look bitchin’, though. You spend a few moments observing them like fish in an aquarium before remembering why you came in here in the first place.

To make an order, you must select a food item from the array of fingerprint-smudged touchscreens. It’s eerily quiet, and you begin to wonder if this is the start of a horror film. Lord knows this wouldn’t be the first time Panera has killed (RIP, Panera Charged Lemonade). Enough time has passed that this would be just the time to strike again, you think.

The otherwise well-advertised Salad Stuffers are difficult to find. It feels like you’re scrolling through page after page of tiny images of food until, finally, you find the icon and select it. Surprise! The screen isn’t properly calibrated. You poke it three more times. Eventually, it selects the Caesar Salad Stuffer, and you move on to complete your transaction.

The screen lights up, requesting payment and a tip. You find it a little disconcerting to leave a tip for no one in particular, but you select 25 percent and tap your credit card on the payment terminal anyway.

Almost immediately, there’s a shuffling sound behind you, and you turn to see two saloon doors flapping near a countertop. There’s no one there, but a damp brown paper sack is now sitting, alone, on a tray.

You lug the weighty pouch to a booth and prepare to seal your fate.

You slide the wet bag down around the Salad Stuffer. It is indeed stuffed; some might say overly so. Not all of the salad seems to have made it inside the Stuffer; the remainder has covered the outside of the baguette-esque tube with Caesar dressing. You think, Et tu, Brute?

You lift the sloppy, engorged loaf to your lips. A crouton—bread inside a bread, like some kind of warped turducken—bursts free from its prison, leaving a goopy trail of dressing on your white pants as it slides to the floor. Your hands are wet and sticky. You take a bite.

It’s not that the Stuffer tastes bad; it’s just overwhelming trying to make your way through all this overdressed roughage. There’s more lettuce inside this roll than you’ve ever seen in one place. This is not the food product for leftovers—somehow, the longer the Stuffer exists, the wetter it seems to get, as though it’s generating its own moisture from within.

Bread cannot contain this much liquid, and it begins to disintegrate. You try to hold the Stuffer together, but it fights back against its own existence. You’re left wondering not whether you can eat this, but whether you can finish it before it becomes a heaping pile of lettuce-filled mush. Unfortunately, this Panera doesn’t seem to have forks.

Or napkins, you realize, as another crouton squirts out of the bread-chute and slithers gooily down your shirt. Out of habit, you search, but there’s no one there to ask for Stuffer assistance.

After another twenty-nine bites, finally, you’ve finished the Stuffer and every piece of lettuce that escaped onto the tray. You are, unironically, stuffed. You clear your tray, placing it on top of the trash can for a person you imagine must come through this space at some point, perhaps in the dark of night.

Finally, you depart the Panera penitentiary and waltz to the nearby bus stop, happy to be back in what feels like the real world again.

A delivery robot pulls up alongside you, and the screen reads, “Hi, my name is Poe.” Feeling full of bread and lettuce, but starved for human connection, you greet the bot. “Hi, Poe.” Its headlight eyes blink in response, and it makes a jingle jingle sound. You wonder, as it carefully begins to make its way across the street, if this is the only way people will consume food in the future, and what, exactly, we did to deserve this.

FAQs for the Women’s Invisibility Network

Paula Grace — Tue, 01 Sep 2026 08:00:00 -0400

What is the Women’s Invisibility Network?
The Women’s Invisibility Network (or WIN) is a neighborhood support group for women in their sunset years. We assist aging women tossed aside by society, who are still capable of great feats, because they’re invisible. WINners meet in person and online to share tips on using invisibility to find reasons to keep living.

Are WINners actually invisible?
Yes. It’s like Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak but one hundred percent of the time. We move through life unseen and unheard, only sometimes smelled.

How does one become invisible?
If you’re a woman, enjoy being seen while it lasts. Much like puberty, being seen is just a phase. You’ll grow out of it.

Who can join WIN?
Are you a woman? Are you invisible? If so, you’ve met the criteria. This includes trans women, because biology does not define you. Plus, there are no dues, considering WINners already pay dues every day by being constantly ignored.

What do WINners do when they get together?
Tons. We slip into VIP sections and hang out with celebrities unnoticed. Sit in the owner’s box at sporting events without their knowledge. And rock out on stage next to Bruce Springsteen where we dance like no one’s watching. Because no one is.

Does WIN contribute to the community?
We do our part to support good behavior in public. For example, one time at a bar we saw a jerk harassing a girl, so we positioned ourselves to knock a pitcher of margaritas off a waitress’s tray, thereby “accidentally” drenching him. Another time, Sylvia was having problems with some blockhead in her building, so several of us brought her cabbage, broccoli, and brussels sprouts, which she ate before getting in the elevator with him. Then she farted.

Does WIN have discount programs?
More than just a discount, our programs are absolutely free. Like to travel? We’ll show you how to get on private planes, jets, and the snobbiest estates in the world. Want an ocean-going adventure? Board yachts large enough to compensate for the owner’s lack of size elsewhere.

How do WINners benefit personally?
Loneliness is a thing of the past, and we’ve solved the number one problem facing WINners: needing money. How? We’ve begun attending Davos, WTO conferences, and G20 summits. There we listen in on private conversations that affect global economies and return with privileged information that we use to manipulate capital and prediction markets in our favor.

Aren’t those financial crimes?
We prefer to call it “privileged information redistribution.”

Isn’t that illegal?
Not when you’re invisible. Besides, we only started doing it after a WINner tried it, made millions, and shared her tip with the group. Now lots of us attend global conferences, corporate board meetings, and Bohemian Grove retreats. We then use what we hear to get rich—and we do it all without wearing bras.

What does the future hold for WIN?
You’re catching us at a time of reinvention. After next month’s Fun Run, we’re pivoting from neighborhood support group to underground cabal intent on achieving total domination of the world’s banking, politics, technologies, and media. After a lifetime spent serving others, they think they can toss us aside, but they’ve got another thing coming.

Is WIN becoming a criminal enterprise?
No. Think of WIN as a sisterhood dedicated to getting what we deserve while getting even with everyone who wrote us off. It’s a late-stage metamorphosis. We’re becoming butterflies (which, when you think about it, are actually vicious beasts who behave brutally to survive).

Is WIN concerned about its plans being exposed?
No. We showed it to a man and his eyes glazed over.

Is WIN accepting new members?
For sure. If you’ve reached invisibility and are ready to burn and rave, join as soon as you can (because time is not on your side). After all, you’re only old once.

A Field Guide to the Wildlife of Lake America

Bruno Pieroni — Mon, 31 Aug 2026 13:00:00 -0400

All Aboard Your Disease-Free Late-Summer Cruise

Jason Roeder and Mike Sacks — Mon, 31 Aug 2026 08:00:00 -0400

Summer’s winding down, but the FUN’s just getting started. Onboard our fleet of immaculately sanitized cruise liners, you and your family will discover an ocean of possibilities while minimizing your exposure to hantavirus, norovirus, Legionnaires’ disease, and so much more. Get ready to create unforgettable memories in a thoroughly disinfected environment deemed inhospitable to the majority of the world’s most deadly microorganisms. Excitement and relaxation await on these, the most hygienic ships on the sea.

Pre-Board

The fun starts before you even embark. Your Ahoy Team will greet your party at your departure wharf, incinerate your clothes, scour your naked torsos with steel-bristled brushes, and power-spray you with industrial-grade detergent. (No germ stowaways allowed.) You’ll then be given the complimentary rubber hot-zone coveralls you’ll proudly wear throughout your voyage. After that, it merely comes down to us collecting a dozen blood samples from each passenger, which we’ll conveniently analyze while you wait. Anywhere from five to seven hours later, we’ll have the results, and it’s “All Aboard!” for anyone with acceptable antibody levels.

Cozy Cabin Move-In

All of our style-forward staterooms offer soft, comfy linens, plenty of closet and drawer space, and personalized vomit basins filled with our proprietary deodorizing coagulant. As part of our pledge to constantly adopt the latest technologies to make our cruises as safe as possible, each and every room is outfitted with state-of-the-art HEPA filters that capture bacteria and viruses down to, yep, you guessed it, 0.00004 microns! You won’t be sleeping much as our powerful air purifiers roar like a locomotive day and night, but less snoozing means more cruising.

Twenty-Four-Hour Feast

We honestly wouldn’t blame you if you spent your entire cruise at our Boundless Buffet. Day or night, from pancakes to prime rib, salads to seafood, you can sink your teeth into dozens of delectable options charred at 1,250 degrees to bacteria-free ash and also double-misted with isopropyl alcohol to ward off hardier parasites that cause explosive diarrhea. And we did say boundless buffet, didn’t we? Help yourself to seconds—or thirds, or fourths—with the titanium tongs you were gifted in your bright red All Aboard Welcome and Biohazard Bag.

It’s Showtime

With some of the finest singers on the open seas, or anywhere else, we make it effortless for you to party your nights away, all beneath the safety of a waterproof silicone tarp that will repel any saliva or respiratory droplets expelled from higher onstage notes. Or perhaps your idea of entertainment is testing your luck at our casino? If so, step on up to our single-use slot machines; each is destroyed after one spin to prevent cross-contamination from multiple players. It’s just like Vegas, baby!

Splish Splash

There’s always a pool party happening on our ships, so if you wanna get in on the fun, hop on the elevator and take it all the way to the top deck. The increasing searing in your eyes, throat, and lungs can only mean one thing: You’re getting closer to our Olympic-sized Mega Pool, which is 90 percent liquid chlorine. Salmonella and E. coli don’t stand a chance. But you will, if you hold your breath and expose any flesh to the water for no longer than three seconds. And even if you are somehow able to resist the bubbling, occasionally sparking water, we know something you will surrender to—THE BEAT. That’s right, here comes a poolside conga line. To prevent contact transmission of disease, all conga participants are separated by fifteen feet with three separate latex membranes occupying each interstitial party gap. Who’s feeling hot, hot, hot?

Family Fun for Everyone

Be honest, Mom and Dad. You love the kiddos, but couldn’t you also use a little time to yourselves? Well, we’ve got you covered. At our teens-only Klub Kleen, your twelve-and-ups can wash their hands for hours in individual hygiene stalls with the coolest antimicrobial soap this side of chlorhexidine gluconate, all while dancing by themselves to the latest hits. And, don’t worry, we didn’t forget the little ones: Our play area, monitored by cruise staff and advanced biosensors, is the perfect spot for your kid to cavort beneath intense pulses of disinfecting ultraviolet radiation. It’s like five hundred peak-afternoon beach days all at once.

Salon and Spa-aaaaaah

Sometimes you need a vacation from the… vacation. Gentle Hands, Gentle Touch is our spa, where we’ve eliminated potentially toxic human-to-human interaction by replacing our massage therapists with semi-autonomous AI-powered pincers. Don’t worry, you’ll still be floating on a cloud of comfort. You can select from one of six high-pressure settings, and each robotic pincer is programmed to automatically shut off within moments of shredding undergarments or breaking cutaneous veins. Your job is simply to relax, reset, and recharge as audio bulletins from the World Health Organization gently perfume the background, conveniently keeping you up to date on the latest in global disease emergencies. That hits the spot!

Inclusivity

We celebrate all our guests. Regardless of sexuality, disability, race, religion, or age, our Fun Ambassadors are trained to provide an unforgettable experience FOR ALL. Unless you somehow contract Ebola. We’re afraid that is a very different story. With a mortality rate of 50 percent or more, Ebola is one of the deadlier contagious diseases, which is why our shipboard medical staff will act quickly to ever-so-gently secure you in a harness and lower you into the sea. From there you’ll wait patiently, surrounded by miles and miles of gorgeous open water, as the ship disappears into the distance. But get ready, as an even more marvelous adventure is about to begin! It’s the whoop-whoop of an approaching chopper. Will it drop you a ladder or fail to notice as you wave your arms frantically with what little strength you have left? Even we can’t predict. Either way, it’s a side trip you’ll never forget.

Look, anyone who says you can’t travel without incapacitating diarrhea never took one of our cruises. What are you waiting for? You don’t have to choose between the vacation of a lifetime and the sterility of surgical instruments. Book your trip with us today, and come aboard—we’re expecting you!

I’m the Guy Who Destroys Antique Books After We Scan Them into Our Company’s Insatiable AI Platform

Jack Loftus — Fri, 28 Aug 2026 13:00:00 -0400

“Vendors and rare books experts are increasingly worried that these artifacts may be under threat of destruction by generative AI companies seeking to feed their ravenous technology with new texts. Fears stem from a copyright lawsuit brought against [Anthropic] by book authors. Unsealed court files revealed earlier this year that the company was engaging in the practice of ‘destructive scanning’—buying physical books, slicing off the spines to more efficiently scan the pages, then pulping the remains—and had sought to keep it quiet.” — The Guardian

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I realize enthusiasm for one’s job is a little embarrassing now, but honestly, I adore what I do. I’m the guy who destroys priceless antique books once our generative AI scanners are finished with them.

Officially, my title is Senior Legacy Media Completion Specialist, but everyone calls me Book Doug. There was already another Doug, you see, but he works in Accounts Payable, so I got the fun one.

People assume scanning is the exciting part. And, sure, it is impressive. They shear off the spine, separate the pages, and run everything through these enormous machines so the computer can absorb every sentence ever written and use it to create some fairly compelling LinkedIn posts. But then, boy oh boy, the wheeled cart carrying those decimated remains comes to me. That is where the human touch enters the process, assuming you count industrial shredders and a giant burn pit out back as an extension of the hand, which I certainly do.

Our company has a very founder-led culture, so everyone is encouraged to approach problems like an owner. I do not own the company, obviously. I own a 2012 Mitsubishi Galant. Still, when I see a one-of-a-kind, three-hundred-year-old tome taking up six whole inches of shelf space, I immediately start thinking about scale and efficiency.

The older books are my favorite because they arrive with such rich history. Thick leather covers, gold inset lettering, the musty smell of age, and sometimes a handwritten note from 1894 that I don’t bother to read, and the scanners largely skip since it’s not integral to our performance KPIs. Then, the magic. One minute, they are a treasured record of human thought. The next, they are twelve searchable megabytes and a manageable quantity of mixed paper strips going into one of several large, welcoming bins marked DESTROY.

People ask whether I ever feel bad. Usually this happens after someone learns the books are rare, so I explain that rarity is really just an inventory problem. If there is only one copy left, the efficient move is to make it infinitely reproducible and immediately unavailable to anyone without a subscription. You can see people relax once I walk them through it slowly. Their shoulders slump in an accepting way. They stare. Sometimes they make a wordless rasping, just like the books do as I slide their sliced-out pages into oblivion.

We also recycle, which matters to me personally. I’m very environmental. I love reclaimed wood, barn doors, things like that. Some of the pulp becomes cardboard, and that cardboard may eventually become a box used to ship us more books.

You are a very good listener, by the way. Most people interrupt around the phrase “controlled combustion,” but you have barely moved. I appreciate that. It tells me you are comfortable around ambition.

Anyway, I’m sorry—listen to me go. I’ve talked about myself quite enough. What did you say you do again? A librarian? What’s that about?

Back-to-School Shopping List for the End-of-Times Academic Year

Samantha Hesburgh — Fri, 28 Aug 2026 08:00:00 -0400

Welcome back, students and parents, for another, possibly the last, functioning school year!

Both the literacy crisis and moral deterioration of our leaders pretty much guarantee our school will be shuttered soon. But in the meantime, we hope to have a well-rounded, fun year interrupted by only one or two major geopolitical crises.

Even in the most unpredictable times, you can count on the fact that teachers are paid dogshit wages. So here’s a list of school supplies I kindly ask you to buy in advance to help get us through the year:

Two packs of No. 2 pencils. Ticonderoga is preferred. We focus-grouped this during an unpaid professional development session this summer in which we simulated the inevitable loss of power once the revolution begins. Ticonderoga proved more reliable to use as kindling than Dixon.
One ballpoint pen that will likely be used to graffiti penises onto desks. After the nuclear winter, our species’ descendants will study this as the cave art of yore.
One marbled composition book. We expect you to take notes on the day’s lessons, but realistically, you’ll be drawing penises in it too. If you would like your penis art to be preserved alongside the desk dicks, marbled composition is more durable. If you don’t care about the eternal glory of legacy, you can get the spiral-bound notebook for five cents cheaper at Target.
Your computer and a charger on which you’ll be completing all of your assignments alongside your government-assigned AI bot named Tony. Tony will eventually take my job as teacher—maybe this semester, maybe next semester. Depends on how quickly they can reprogram the overstock of sex robots that were sent to the houses of our board of ed members for “research purposes.” Either way, the district requests that you be thoughtful in sharing as much of your work as you can with Tony so that he can absorb the curriculum.
Two boxes of snacks to add to the class snack drawer. We’re requesting at least one peanut-free option for the first semester. By the second semester, it’s estimated that the peanut-allergy crowd will have succumbed to their evolutionary fate, so it won’t matter as much.
The summer reading book. No need to read in advance. We will rip out the pages and use them to line the cage of our class hamsters, Pumpkin and Penelope. We anticipate that by March, after the nuclear winter has triggered a mass migration of displaced souls, we’ll run out of food in both the snack drawer and in the community at large. We may need to eat the pages and/or Pumpkin and Penelope.
One case of bottled water. Please note: This is not drinking water. This water will be used only if Tony the Chatbot becomes sentient and begins to amass power. The district believes we can neutralize him by pouring water on the hard drive before he begins communicating with external servers and starts an uprising. For drinking water, please use the water fountain in Hallway C to fill your own Stanley cup, which you can buy from an ex-influencer in the breadline for the low price of fifty dollars (not adjusted for inflation).
Two boxes of tissues (for communal use) which will dry the tears of the hopeful and the cynics alike.
Two mini-packets of tissues (for personal use) in the event that you contract a previously eradicated childhood disease because your parent or guardian wanted to “do their own research."
One box of dry-erase markers because, as in the prior intellectual Dark Ages, nothing is permanent. Except the penis drawings.

Thank you for your contributions to our classroom. For all other inquiries about participation, policies, or general primitive survival, you can find me during office hours crying soundlessly and tastefully in my car while listening to Katy Perry’s 2010 hit record “California Gurls (Featuring Snoop Dogg)."

Sending thoughts and prayers in advance,
Mrs. H

Relax, If Food Is No Longer Safe to Eat, Just Eat Cake

Carlos Greaves — Thu, 27 Aug 2026 13:00:00 -0400

It seems like food safety is all anyone has been talking about this summer, whether you found out about these problems the easy way (reading an article your mom texted you about the latest recall) or the hard way (weeks-long explosive diarrhea because you ignored your mom’s text messages). As an FDA spokesperson, I’m here to assure you that we’re on top of it.

Admittedly, lots of pantry staples are currently unsafe to eat—everything from fresh produce (because of cyclospora) to eggs (because of salmonella) to bread (because there are literally bits of glass in it). Other foods, like ground beef, have gotten expensive thanks, in part, to infections like New World screwworm. Pretty much everything on RFK Jr.’s food pyramid is either contaminated or cost-prohibitive:

But there is one food that hasn’t been recalled: cake.

Don’t get us wrong, we’re not saying cake is healthy. Birthdays in the RFK Jr. household are always celebrated the MAHA way—with a heaping portion of fermented whale meat, which has way more protein and probiotics than funfetti. That said, for a limited time, we’re suspending FDA nutritional guidelines. If families can’t find fresh fruits, vegetables, meat, or dairy that won’t sicken them, we’re committed to ensuring there’s an adequate substitute.

Thanks to simple, shelf-stable ingredients and high-temperature baking, cake remains relatively safe to eat (as long as you don’t eat carrot cake made with actual carrots—they’re riddled with E. coli). Who cares if everyday Americans can no longer eat bread without chipping a tooth or bleeding internally from all those shards of glass? They can eat cake. The same goes for fresh greens. We have it on good authority that a layer cake is considered a salad in most of the Midwest.

Liberals can grumble all they want about “affordability” and “access to food that doesn’t leave them doubled over on the toilet begging for death.” This is what America voted for—gutting the federal government so that corporations can self-regulate the way God and Project 2025 intended. They’re nostalgic for an America of the past, specifically Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle.

Our current state of unbridled free market capitalism—where food might kill you, but taxes are slightly lower—is the best version of society we can hope for. Trust us, America doesn’t get any better than this.

Sure, theoretically, if we got all of the nation’s brightest minds together, perhaps they could design a system more ideal than the one we have now. But all of those people are currently working for McKinsey, helping private equity firms structure leveraged buyouts, which is far more important.

The truth is, whether through unchecked capitalism, authoritarianism, or both, all of the great civilizations throughout history eventually wind up being run by one powerful man and a small inner circle of elites. And everyday people end up better for it. Just look at Russia. That country has been run that way for centuries. When Americans think of Russia, they think “a place America should be more like.” That is why we are making America great again by making it more like Russia.

Whatever we do, we cannot let America become like France. They overthrow their ruling elite every few decades, and now it’s a hellscape where nobody works for the entire month of August, and the government babysits your kids for free.

That’s why the best thing Americans can do in this time of food-safety uncertainty is relax, pull out a large mixing bowl, whip together some flour, sugar, oil, and baking powder, and bake themselves a safe, delicious sheet cake that will sustain them through the fall.

Just don’t use any eggs. They’ll absolutely wreck you.

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Carlos Greaves and Ginny Hogan’s new book, Obey in Advance: How to Survive (and Thrive) Under Authoritarianism, is out in September, but is available to preorder now from our store.

Performative Slurp

Ali Fitzgerald — Thu, 27 Aug 2026 12:00:00 -0400

Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.

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Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: July 2026: Atrocities 1117-1207

Emily Greenberg and Chase Bush-McLaughlin — Thu, 27 Aug 2026 07:45:00 -0400

Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to ensure these horrors—happening almost daily—would not be forgotten. Now that Trump has returned to office, amid civil rights, humanitarian, economic, and constitutional crises, we felt it critical to make an inventory of this new round of horrors. This list will be updated monthly between now and the end of Donald Trump’s second term.

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These lists, along with everything McSweeney’s publishes on this site, are offered ad-free and at no charge to our readers. If you are moved to make a donation in any amount or subscribe to our website’s Patreon, please do. This will help support this project and our other work.

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ATROCITY KEY

– Authoritarianism
– Constitutional Illegalities, Collusion, and/or Obstruction of Justice
– Environment
– Harassment, Bullying, Retribution, and/or Sexual Misconduct
– Lies and Misinformation
– Musk Madness
– Policy
– Public Statements and Social Media Posts
– Trump Family Business Dealings
– Trump Staff and Administration
– White Supremacy, Racism, Misogyny, Homophobia, Transphobia, and/or Xenophobia

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July 2026

– July 1, 2026 – The US military death toll in the Iran war rose to fourteen after Cmdr. Gabriel Edwards was presumed dead following a Navy helicopter emergency in the Arabian Sea. The incident also brought the number of US military aircraft damaged or destroyed during the war to at least forty-three. The Navy said there was no indication the crash resulted from hostile action.
– July 2, 2026 – MS NOW reported that an internal FBI memo called for 260 intelligence analysts to undertake a “priority effort” to investigate the 2020 election in Fulton County, Georgia, where claims of widespread election fraud had repeatedly been debunked.
– July 2, 2026 – A federal appeals court found that the CIA and Office of the Director of National Intelligence violated the Fifth Amendment due process rights of nineteen career officers when it fired them for working on diversity programs, and ordered them reinstated.
– July 2, 2026 – A federal judge accused the Trump administration of taking one position publicly and another in court over Trump’s plans to rebuild Washington’s East Potomac Golf Links. After Trump announced that work would begin September 1, government lawyers maintained that no final decision had been made. “Both things cannot be true,” Judge Ana C. Reyes said. “Assuming that you don’t believe in multiple universes: On this earth, we have a decision that’s been made about a golf course.”
– July 2, 2026 – The Washington Post reported on previously unpublished medical records related to the death of fifty-five-year-old Cuban immigrant Geraldo Lunas Campos in civil detention at Camp East Montana. DHS maintained that ICE staff had “intervened to save his life” after Lunas Campos tried to kill himself, even after a medical examiner ruled that he died by asphyxiation and classified the death as a homicide. The newly reported records showed that he had repeatedly sought mental health treatment and medication and had asked to be transferred to a facility offering more intensive care.
– July 3, 2026 – Trump pardoned Adam Kidan, who gave more than $270,000 to political committees supporting Trump after serving prison time for fraud and conspiracy. Kidan pleaded guilty in 2005 for his role in a $147.5 million casino-boat deal with Jack Abramoff, whom 60 Minutes described in a 2012 profile as “[maybe] the most notorious and crooked lobbyist of our time.”
– July 4, 2026 – Trump’s Great American State Fair on the National Mall opened four hours late because of extreme heat, then shut down two hours later as severe weather approached. When festivities resumed after 9 p.m., attendees encountered long lines and contradictory directions. Trump later said he had pressed to keep the celebration going against recommendations to cancel. The fair was organized by Event Strategies, which had also helped organize the January 6, 2021, rally that led to Trump’s supporters’ violent occupation of the Capitol.
– July 4, 2026 – Denmark’s Rebild Festival, a more than century-old Fourth of July tradition that has previously hosted Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan, celebrated the holiday after clearing its program of American officials. Organizers had agreed to the move when Aalborg’s financial committee voted to cut funding if US government representatives took part, citing Trump’s threats to take control of Greenland. “I hope that they will reflect on the fact that the words of Donald Trump and the threats against Greenland don’t happen in a vacuum,” said council member Lasse Olsen, who introduced the measure.
– July 5, 2026 – Two Tennessee National Guard members fatally shot Tyrin Johnson, 20, in downtown Memphis. The Memphis Police Department claimed the soldiers were responding to a shots-fired call and were pursuing Johnson on foot when he turned toward them with a handgun. However, activists disputed that account. They said video footage showed an unmarked vehicle chasing Johnson, who never turned around and was not holding anything, and called for authorities to release the video. The Guard members were part of Donald Trump’s Memphis Safe Task Force, which had been involved in at least four deadly shootings since it began patrolling the city in October.
– July 5, 2026 – The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives rolled back dozens of gun regulations. The changes restored gun rights to some people with mental illness, weakened oversight of private weapons transactions, and reversed a previous crackdown on illegal sales. Kris Brown, president of the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, said the approach “takes us back 100 years.”
– July 6, 2026 – Ulises Peña López, a disabled immigrant, sued ICE and private prison contractors CoreCivic and Geo Group over his arrest and mistreatment in detention. Peña López, who suffered disabilities related to a mini-stroke diagnosed in 2024, accused ICE officers of beating him during his February 2025 arrest until he lost consciousness and needed CPR. The lawsuit further alleged that Peña López did not receive proper accommodations and medical care for his disability during his six months in detention and that the staff repeatedly mocked and verbally abused him, saying, “Motherfucker, you don’t get to be asleep” and “You’re never gonna walk again.” According to his lawyers, Peña López suffered new and worsening “headaches, weakness and numbness in his right side, eye pain, hearing loss, insomnia and nightmares, blurry vision, back pain, and difficulty walking” as a result of his arrest and detention.
– July 6, 2026 – Following a phone call from Trump, FIFA reversed the red card suspension of star US soccer player Folarin Balogun at the World Cup, making him eligible to play against Belgium. FIFA has long sought to curry favor with Trump and awarded him its first “FIFA Peace Prize” in 2025. The reversal was the first since 1962 and drew widespread condemnation from other soccer teams and organizations. “When the certainty of rules is no longer guaranteed by its guardians, the integrity of the game is at stake, and the credibility of a competition is undermined,” said the Europa League, the governing body for European soccer. A day later, Belgium defeated the US 4–1.
– July 7, 2026 – The Iranian American Legal Defense Fund and Public Citizen Litigation Group accused the Trump administration of giving Iran confidential information from the asylum applications of Iranians it planned to deport, threatening the lives of activists, religious minorities, LGBTQ+ individuals, and their families. “The law couldn’t be more clear that information in asylum applications is protected,” said Michael Kirkpatrick, a lawyer with Public Citizen Litigation Group.
– July 7, 2026 – An ICE agent fatally shot Lorenzo Salgado Araujo, 52, in his car in Houston. A father of three, Salgado Araujo had lived in the US for thirty-five years, had no criminal record, and owned his own construction business. He was not the target of the operation. DHS claimed that Salgado Araujo resembled the target and that the agent fired in self-defense after Salgado Araujo ignored commands to stop and attempted to ram into the ICE vehicle and run over the agent. However, witnesses disputed that account, claiming that ICE agents did not identify themselves and shot through the passenger window after the vehicle had already stopped. The shooting of Salgado Araujo was at least the twenty-first such shooting by agents involved with Trump’s immigration crackdown, and the agents involved were not wearing body cameras.

Family, Community Leaders Demand Answers After ICE Officer Fatally Shoots Man in Houston (KPRC)
– July 7, 2026 – The US launched new strikes on Iran after commercial vessels were targeted in the Strait of Hormuz. The strikes continued the following day as Trump announced the end of the US–Iran ceasefire. “The Islamic Republic of Iran has asked us to continue ‘talks.’ We have agreed to do so, but the United States has stated to them, in no uncertain terms, that the Cease Fire is OVER!” Trump posted on Truth Social. Oil prices quickly rose as financial markets fell.
– July 8, 2026 – Just three days after two members of the Memphis Safe Task Force fatally shot Tyrin Johnson in downtown Memphis, a DEA agent and member of the same task force fatally shot Alfonso Ivy, 47, at an East Memphis motel. “It’s another day in an occupied city,” said Jessica Miller, an organizer with Indivisible Memphis. The incident marked the fifth deadly shooting related to the task force since October.
– July 8, 2026 – In another assault on Somali Americans, Trump shared a social media video of Minnesota kindergarteners singing in Somali at their graduation ceremony with the caption, “Every girl is in a hijab … in kindergarten.” The children’s faces were clearly visible in the video, which immediately attracted hateful anti-Muslim comments from Trump’s millions of social media followers. The school also faced harassment and considered adding more security before classes restarted.
– July 8, 2026 – After a former girlfriend accused Maine Democratic Senate candidate Graham Platner of rape, Trump offered symathetic remarks to his ideological foe: “It’s really a question of whether you believe the woman. A lot of people say big falsehoods. It’s a … he’s in a bind. He’s in a bind.” Trump has faced accusations of sexual misconduct from at least twenty-eight women and was found liable for sexually abusing E. Jean Carroll.

Trump Weighs in on Platner Dropping Out of Maine Senate Race (NBC)
– July 8, 2026 – At the NATO Summit in Ankara, Trump insulted NATO allies before declaring they loved him. “I just want to say there was tremendous love in that room,” he said, adding, “They said, ‘Sir, we love you.’ These are grown people saying that. Isn’t that nice?” Trump also demanded control of Greenland, called Iran “scum,” said he would consider jet sales to Turkey despite congressional opposition, and threatened to cut off trade to Spain.
– July 8, 2026 – Trump left Turkey on the old Air Force One after the Secret Service raised security concerns about his new Qatari-donated jet. While the administration claimed the new plane was fitted with the highest-level security protocols, those briefed on the updates said it didn’t have all the features of the older plane, which could cost up to $1 billion and take up to two years to implement. Trump denied the swap was due to security concerns, instead claiming that the new jet had to leave early so it could be shown off at military bases.
– July 8, 2026 – In letters signed by Assistant Attorney General Harmeet Dhillon and sent to dozens of state and local election officials, the Justice Department threatened to prosecute officials if noncitizens were found to have voted in the upcoming midterms. “Any election officer, including the chief election officer of the state, who knowingly retains noncitizens on the state’s SVRL [State Voter Registration List] or facilitates noncitizens in receiving and casting ballots could be subject to criminal liability,” Dhillon wrote in the letters, which gave election workers only five days to respond with plans to comply. Noncitizen voting is extremely rare.
– July 9, 2026 – Palm Beach International Airport and Francis Burnett Swann Memorial Bridge in Tennessee were renamed President Donald J. Trump International Airport and President Donald J. Trump Bridge, respectively. The airport became the first named after a sitting president, and the change will cost at least $5.5 million, most of which will be paid by Florida taxpayers. Trump registered trademarks for the airport’s new name, raising questions about how he may profit from the name change in the future.
– July 9, 2026 – The Trump administration appointed climate science critic Matthew M. Wielicki to head the US Global Change Research Program and oversee the influential National Climate Assessment report. Wielicki, who exited academia over DEI initiatives, had said that a “significant portion of the climate science literature is nothing more than stamp collecting” and previously accused climate scientists of faking data.
– July 9, 2026 – Trump ousted all remaining members of the independent and bipartisan US Election Assistance Commission, which helped administer elections without federalizing them. The two Democratic members were fired while the Republican member resigned. The Commission distributed federal election funds, maintained national mail voter registration forms, tested and certified voting systems, and offered best practices and guidance to state and local officials. In announcing the dismissals, the White House cited a recent Supreme Court decision that gave the president the authority to remove members of the Federal Trade Commission.
– July 10, 2026 – The Justice Department subpoenaed multiple New York Times journalists who reported security concerns related to the new Air Force One donated by Qatar. “The appearance of federal law enforcement agents on the doorstep of news reporters should shock the conscience of any American who believes in the Constitution and the press freedom it protects,” said David McCraw, a lawyer for the Times.
– July 10, 2026 – ProPublica reported that the Trump administration was working directly with Diosdado Cabello, a Venezuelan leader accused of hiring Tren de Aragua to assassinate the exiled Venezuelan dissident Ronald Ojeda. After kidnapping Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro, the US left Cabello, who had been indicted on US drug-trafficking charges and had a $25 million bounty on his head, installed as interior minister. The indictment had ensured that Cabello cooperated with the US and promoted American interests.*
– July 10, 2026 – Overturning fifty years of environmental law, a new Trump administration rule said habitat destruction does not harm endangered species. The new rule, which rescinded the “harm rule” in the Endangered Species Act, could result in mining, logging, ranching, and other development in formerly protected areas. Stephanie Kurose, deputy director of government affairs at the Center for Biological Diversity, called the new rule a “death sentence” for endangered plants and animals. A day earlier, the EPA also moved to loosen limits on truck pollution.
– July 11, 2026 – Trump misleadingly attributed the $2 billion he has made during his second term to a hot stock market. “Well, you know why I’m profiting? Because the stock market’s going up; everybody’s profiting,” said Trump, who also incorrectly claimed that 401(k)s were up 85 percent. In reality, very little of Trump’s revenue came from stock-market growth, and neither the major indexes nor the average 401(k) grew by 85 percent. Instead, approximately three-quarters of Trump’s revenue came from cryptocurrency, real estate holdings, settlements from media companies, and branding deals. Trump also falsely stated that his holdings were in a blind trust and that he was the only president to have donated his salary. His holdings are instead in a revocable trust managed by his sons, and both Herbert Hoover and John F. Kennedy donated their presidential salaries.

Trump Dismisses Questions About His Massively Profitable Year as President (CNN)
– July 13, 2026 – Four days after being detained by ICE, Jesús Manuel Arenas-Silva, a forty-five-year-old Venezuelan immigrant, died while being bused between county and federal facilities in Georgia. In a Detention Watch Network press statement, Arenas-Silva’s sister said the family had warned ICE about Arenas-Silva’s medical needs and asked that he be allowed to bring all of his medications, but agents permitted only one. DWN added that Arenas-Silva later told his family that ICE was not giving him medication he needed. ICE said the suspected cause of death was cardiac arrest, and insisted that Arenas-Silva had received medical care and been evaluated by medical professionals.
– July 13, 2026 – Trump issued two executive orders reducing the size of both Bears Ears and Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monuments in Utah by more than 90 percent. Five Native American tribes consider Bears Ears their ancestral homeland, and both monuments preserve thousands of archaeological sites with cultural significance to Native communities. The cuts, which opened most of the land to possible development, prompted plans for legal challenges.
– July 13, 2026 – Less than a week after declaring the ceasefire with Iran “over,” Trump ordered the naval blockade of Iran back into effect. Despite Secretary of State Marco Rubio’s previous statement that “no country is allowed to charge tolls or fees on an international waterway,” Trump also announced a 20 percent charge on cargo passing through the Strait of Hormuz, stating, “The USA will be, from this point forward, known as ‘THE GUARDIAN OF THE HORMUZ STRAIT.’”
– July 13, 2026 – An ICE agent shot and killed Johan Sebastián Durán Guerrero, a twenty-five-year-old Colombian immigrant, in Biddeford, Maine. DHS said agents had been “conducting targeted surveillance on the last known address of an illegal alien with a final order of removal.” Durán Guerrero had not been issued a removal order; he had applied for asylum and was legally authorized to work in the country. The killing came less than a week after the fatal shooting of Lorenzo Salgado Araujo by ICE in Houston, Texas.

ICE shooting: What We Know About the Victim, Johan Sebastián Durán Guerrero (Boston Globe)
– July 13, 2026 – A New York Times investigation uncovered that the US and Israel had backed former Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for a possible return to power as part of the US’s regime-change effort, despite his record of violent repression against dissidents and political opponents. Israel had been working with Ahmadinejad for years, and Mossad had kept the CIA informed about its dealings with him. In February, after an Israeli strike on Ahmadinejad’s compound, Mossad agents drove Ahmadinejad to a safe house; but, apparently upset about how the operation had been conducted, he soon abandoned their plan. Ahmadinejad’s office later dismissed the reporting as “Hollywood-style claims” and “psychological warfare.”
– July 14, 2026 – Juan Jairo Coronilla Durán, a twenty-eight-year-old Mexican tourist with a visa, died after being struck by a tractor-trailer while fleeing ICE and DHS agents in St....

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