Me, My Sovereign and Borderline Personality Disorder

Kroeker Coat of Arms and History

2012-01-31T12:14:00.000-05:00

Kroeker Coat of Arms and History

Far Away

2011-11-27T07:23:00.004-05:00

The Loggers Waltz

2011-11-17T23:35:00.000-05:00

Just Me

2011-11-14T08:25:00.000-05:00

The earliest I can remember when I realized I was alive; I was about three years old. I remember sitting on yellowish burlap like material couch, rocking back and forth, and singing to myself out loud. I remember that the seat cushions weren't there because my mother was washing them. I don't know why this memory stands out in my mind but it does. Was I content and happy then, I don't know. Or was I yelled at for something. The only time I rocked was when I was feeling forlorn, truly happy and or even scared. I seemed to take comfort in rocking. I catch myself doing it as an adult. Especially when feeling insecure and a lot on my mind. Trying to seek comfort with the pain of my addiction and the withdrawals I go through from time to time. I am the oldest of three sisters. Our mother was mainly the "father and mother figure in our house", she was also my best friend. She was stricter with me then my other siblings. There were drugs, sex, alcohol and violence for which I was exposed to at an early age. My mother was the type of disciplinarian that once you really pissed her off she would lash out cruelly verbally or physically. My natural father, I do not know very well. My mother left him when I was three years old. Oh, I saw him from time to time over the years but not enough to say I knew him. He committed suicide at the age of forty-seven over twenty-five years ago. She had remarried three more times after that. He second husband sexually abused me from the time I was ten years old till I was thirteen. By then my mom had left him. Her oldest brother first sexually abused me at the tender age of seven. It seemed to my life's destiny. My purpose for being in this world. Was to be the pawn of men's sexual deviancy. Even during my marriage and a past relationship I was sexually traumatized. I am not too sure when depression enwrapped me. All I know is that I have been struggling with it for eighteen years. I was first admitted into the hospital for post-partum depression when I had my first child in 1991. Since then it was a sort of a battle but I was still managing my day-to-day life up until my mother passed away in 2002. She passed away very suddenly at the age of fifty-four with cancer. Not only did I loose my mom, I also lost my best friend. Things started unraveling for me then and have been since. I have since gave up my children because I cannot care for them 24/7. However, I am still very involved in their lives. They are in foster care and have been now for almost four years. I have two beautiful daughters, ages are 11 and 17. The seventeen year old is now living out on her own. Do I worry about mental health issues for them, yes I do. Everyone that is involved in their lives is aware of mental health issues within the family. Depression and suicide are pretty prominent within both sides of my mother and father. I had a cousin on my mother's side at the age of 13 commit suicide and on my father's side, my father at the age of forty-seven, his nephew also at the age of thirteen and his sister in her early thirties. I attempted suicide about five years ago. Woke up in the hospital two and half days later. It seems I was spiraling down and down in an abyss of depression. I feel like a prisoner to it. Things got out of hand and I spent some time in jail for something that had took place in the early years of 2000. There was an apparent warrant for my arrest a year after the fact that I wasn't made aware of. Saw a young girl try to hang herself during my stay in our District Jail. Four days later I was let out. Went to court and was given a sentence of six months house arrest, one year probation and seventy-five hours community service. I was a victim in this crime but I paid the price and was made an example to others. If I am all over the place here in my story, I apologize. There's just so much to tell and I haven't told or talked about much until now. I discovered that cutting myself was better then trying to kill myself. I have received a little counseling for it but my not trying to cut is done mostly on my own. Sometimes I think and feel that I am my own best counselor. Friends, I have not any. Oh, I have tried reaching out but people seem to not have anytime. I prefer my own company most of the time. That saying that "misery likes company" is not true in my case. Oh yeah, one of my sisters felt that I would be better off in jail, meaning get the help I need if I was to stay there. I had to beg her to sign the Assurity so I could get out. I feel I would have died there. They would not give me my meds while I was there so I went through terrible withdrawals. Their reasoning was they had to wait to get permission from the jail doctor and it took up until the day I was left out before I was able to take my meds. I also was involved with a man who psychologically abused me to the point of becoming obsessed with him. He kicked me to the curb when another woman he was involved with for which I found out three months of dating him moved in with him three years into our relationship. Yes, I continued seeing him while he had her to. Gave him his cake and icing is what I did and in the end I lost. It's been a little over two years that I was kicked to the curb and I am still not over him completely. It seems like every time I start to feel a little better something bad is thrown into the mix. There has been someone that I am close to die every year since my mom's passing. The two that really brought me down though was my mom and my ex husband. He passed away in 2007 at the age of 45 from a massive heart attack. I was married to him for twenty years. He is also the father of my two daughters. We had separated thirteen years ago but remained friends. At the age of thirty-nine it was discovered that the main artery to my heart was ninety-five percent blocked for which I required a stent to be put in. Years prior to that I had a blood clot that went into my lung. I have also acquired cervical disc disease, restless leg syndrome and moderate to severe carpal tunnel in both arms. I'm in constant pain as well as suffering with depression. I have been in and out of counseling for many years. But never had been prescribed anxiety or anti-depressant drugs until six years ago. The anti-depressants worked up until recently. I talked with my doctor about this and he prescribed to me something else that caused me to feel even more depressed so I told him I was not taking them anymore and to put me back on the ones I was taking. They really don't work like they use to but it helps a little. About the time I started using anti-depressants I was diagnosed with severe depression, traumatic stress syndrome and type b personality disorder. If anything from all this that I have is I am a very humble person. I have a great amount of compassion and understanding for my fellow human being and I feel that sometimes people think of me as weird because I have this capability. I love life for the most part and I enjoy nurturing other living things and plants. I have recently decided to grab the bull by the horn again and seek help. I am tired of being a prisoner to my depression. I have decided not to fight it anymore and learn to accept it and work with the depression because if I don't I will die by my own hands.

The Giver

2011-10-12T23:53:00.000-04:00

What does it mean to be a woman to you

Do you judge her,do you abuse and use

her

Isn't she the one who holds a newborn

child and looks at this child with so much

love and tenderness that it breaks your

heart

Does this woman not come to the aid of

a down and out neighbour

A woman will be the strongest part in

any relationship to hold it together when

things aren't going your way

She will see the beauty and good in all

things true

But most of all she will love you.

Broken Open by Adam Lambert

2011-10-12T23:44:00.000-04:00

Broken pieces, break into me

So imperfectly what you should be

I don't want you to go

Don't wanna see you back out in the cold

Air you're breathing out fades you to grey

Don't run away, find me

I know the battles of chasing the shadows of who you wanna be

It doesn't matter, go on and shatter

I'm all you need

Broken pieces, break into me

So imperfectly what you should be

Lay here, it's safe here, I'll let you be broken open

Hide here, confide here so we can be broken open

Let's enlighten the night

We can fall away, slip out of sight

When you drop your guard

Melt into time, so intertwined, quiet

I know the battles of chasing the shadows of who you wanna be

It doesn't matter, go on and shatter

I'm all you need

Broken pieces, break into me

So imperfectly what you should be

Lay here, it's safe here, I'll let you be broken open

Hide here, confide here so we can be broken open

Broken pieces, break into me

So imperfectly what you should be

Lay here, it's safe here, I'll let you be broken open

Hide here, confide here so we can be broken open

Lay here, it's safe here, I'll let you be broken open

Hide here, confide here so we can be broken open

Love this song. How I wish I could find such a person who would just hold me even for a little while and say eveything will be okay.

Shudder

2011-09-11T11:01:00.000-04:00

As my hand trembled as I put the gun

to my temple, I feel no remorse or

shame

Just knowing I could end the pain was

my desire

To no end I beseeched thee but

only to realize that to do it would

be so quick and no one would

here the

last breath I took

Be sure to close my eyes as I

here the explosion in my head

I would do and hold only the images

of you

Anterior Cervical Corpectomy and Fusion

2011-08-12T09:54:00.000-04:00

On July 19th, 2011 I finally had my surgery. The neurosurgion removed levels C5-6 and levels C6-7 and about three to four inches of vertebrae. He placed a titanium gage in the space and covered it with a titanium plate and four screws. Recovery is slow but steady. To soon to say if the surgery worked or not but will keep you posted as I recover.

Daddy

2011-08-12T09:40:00.000-04:00

Look Daddy, I dress and act like a

boy

Please stop Daddy, I'm not your

toy

Why did you beat me when I was

little

Then decide you would just

diddle

I watched and heard you beat

my mom

And how that ended when I became

the one

I lived in fear for most of my

childhood

My nerves are bad and I'm always

sad

To understand why, I cannot do

I just know that this is true.

Mental Illness Sucks

2011-07-31T11:29:00.000-04:00

I've been borderline like forever. I was lucky that I met my husband who is now deceased when I did. We met when I was 17 and he was 20 and we lasted together for 20 years. He had the patience of a saint and the understanding and love that saw us through sometimes very difficult times and the times that I was being dif...ficult. We parted as friends and remained as friends till he passed away at the age of 45 from a massive heart attack. God I miss him! Anyway, I have had boyfriends since then but none could ever understand me like my exhusband did. They would leave or abandon me after awhile. I would say leave and when they would I would want them back, etc, etc. For the past couple of years I've try really hard not to get involved with any man in a romantic way and yes I am very lonely but the price that I pay in the end it is not worth it. I'd rather be alone and miserable and then be involved with anyone and still be miserable. Borderline personality disorder wears you raw. It's a rollar coaster of emotions but the rollar coaster never stops. You don't know from one moment to the next how you are going to feel. You get frustrated with yourself and others because you want them to understand and yet you don't want them to understand because you don't even understand it yourself. How does one befriend borderline personality disorder so you can work with it and instead of fighting it. I'm so very tired.

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

2011-07-29T22:32:00.000-04:00

T.I.D.E.S

2011-07-01T15:36:00.000-04:00

What is T.I.D.E.S. It is Treating Individuals with Deregulated Emotional States such as borderline personality disorder. I've been on the waiting list for this extensive program for over a year and still waiting. I got a call a number of months ago asking me if I would like to join a group therapy while waiting to get into the T.I.D.E program. Guess what, no more word about it and it's been well over two months that this was suppose to take place. I've called and it was said to me that the two people who were going to over see this group can't seem to get their work schedules in sync with one another. I'm a time bomb waiting to explode. I need this so that I may gain the tools to help me with my borderline personality disorder in my every day life. The longer I wait, I can feel myself going down, down, down and I'm afraid there will be no coming back. I had written to my mayor about my dilemma and she replied with "I cannot help you". I don't mean to discriminate but certain minority groups seem to receive help ASAP while others wait. I can feel myself getting sicker and sicker. I have been crying off and on everyday for the past month and a half. Nothing seems to help with alleviating feelings of sorrow, dread, fear, loneliness. Oh my God, the loneliness is horrible and I have to feel this way every single day because I don't have a support system in place for which I have tried to do for myself but my pleas fall on deaf ears, especially with a certain family member. I wrote a poem, can't find it right now but it is about how I was born alone, seriously I was. I was given birth to and then at a very young age I was left to raise myself because my parent drank and partied a lot when I was very little. I was even sent away to a boarding home because where we lived was very isolated and there were no schools close by. So if you know me and you wonder why I am the way I am and why I'm usually by myself remember what I said about growing up. My dear mom passed away several years ago. Though she left me to my own defenses a lot of the time when she was there, "she was there!" My mom was my rock. My inspiration and thank the Gods that I have two beautiful daughters that inspire me today for the most part, except when I am having really low days, I just want to throw in the towel and no one and no thing matters then.

Depression

2011-06-28T11:39:00.002-04:00

When someone in the family is depressed, the whole family is affected. Depression is a silent disease that sucks the energy and joy out of a person's life. If is very difficult for one has not experienced depression to understand its significance. It is important to get the individual into treatment and be sensitive and empathetic during their treatment. Depending on the type and degree of depression the individual may have to live with their illness their entire life. Depression must be accepted as an illness and not a lousy character trait.

Source: Depression Poems http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/family/depression-poems.asp#ixzz1HRk23nax

.

Game

2011-06-28T11:37:00.000-04:00

Each day I wait for you, hoping you tire

of her

My life hasn't been the same since you

spoke those terrible words, then you

said goodbye

Five long years has past

Is this how my father felt when he

lost his true love, then took his life

one fateful day

I'm meant for you but you weren't

meant for me

How selfish God can be

It still feels like yesterday that I

watched you walk away

I'll never be the same because

you played me like a game

The Person I Am Most Like

2011-06-28T11:35:00.002-04:00

Loneliness is a silent killer, you can't hear it, you can't see it but you most definetly feel it and what's worse is there's no need for it. There was once a man who married a woman and they had two children together. The children were two daughters. One was very blond and the older child was dark. This married couple had to part ways after three years of marrige which left a three year old and a baby for this woman to bring up on her own. This story isn't about her though. This story is about a man who was so lonely that he felt the need to take his own life at the age of forty-seven. This man was miner back in the day then he worked in the bush up until he took his life. He was a loner my nature and he liked his spirits but he wasn't a violent man when he drank. He would drink though until he would black out and wake up in all kinds of weird places, usually though he would wake up outside on the ground beside his car. We would see him maybe once a year, twice a year if we were lucky. But we knew he was our father, we just didn't know the person under the skin to well. He had a couple relationships but one stands out the most in my memory. The memory was with a woman and this woman had two children, a boy and a girl and my father was with her for some time. This memory stands out the most for me because the woman was very nice to my sister and I and we had went for a sauna one time with them, finn style...LOL. This is when you hit your body with branch to open up the pores then run into the cold water. I can't recall any more memories with this woman and her two children after that for some reason. Has I was to find out much later in life, that boy was actually our brother. They kept this from my sister and I and till this day our brother doesn't want anything to do with us. Doesn't even want to get to know us. Maybe one day he will change his mind, I pray anyway that he will. My father and her had seperated and my father became very different then. As it seemed to me anyway. He became more of a loner to the point that he went to live and work right in the bush and I'm assumimg as well that he drank more to. I could only imagine what must have went through his mind and the over and over of thinking about it must have made him feel that he was really, and I mean really actually all alone. I didn't even know where he was but somehow word did get to him that my sister wanted him to give her away on her wedding day for which he never made it to. He didn't make it to the wedding day because he took is own life one fateful day. I was numb with bewilderment and I could just imagine how my sister must of felt and especially his mother, my grandmother. Till this very day she still cannot discuss it. The point I'm making here is I am a lot like my father than I am my mother. He and I probably picked the same kind of friends, friends that don't really care. He probably was pushed away from family stuff and events like I am. People must of thought of him as different, so different that they stayed away because no one understood him. Too bad he isn't alive today because I would go to him and say Dad, you're not alone, I understand and Dad I am like you.

Havent Seen The Last Of Me-Cher (from the movie Burlesque) (Lyrics in De...

2011-01-04T23:41:00.000-05:00

The Script - Breakeven (Falling To Pieces)

2010-09-25T16:26:00.000-04:00

No One Cares

2010-09-20T07:23:00.000-04:00

What happened to the times when family was right beside your side with a listening ear and a shoulder if needed. Nowadays, your told to call the crisis hotline and talk to them or they go off to do their own thing without giving you a second thought about maybe, just maybe you wished they would come over and talk with you. Is this what humanity has come to. People have children, a sibling or two maybe three and even though there's that connection, you're still alone. Is it possible that we have become so self centered that we have no room for others. Is our pain so great that we refuse to see that others may need us. Is our pain so great that the very blood line of family can be severed just like that. My pain is great and has been for many years but I still reach out and or offer a listening ear and a shoulder. I truly believe I don't belong in this world. I feel too much and I care in a world that doesn't care anymore. Why can't I find people like me. Where are they. I JUST DON'T BELONG HERE!!!!

To Care As I Do

2010-09-18T02:33:00.000-04:00

Today I've decided that I will keep to myself. People are just not open and accepting to love and compassion. I have so much to give but I am seen as a nuisance and intolerable. They don't understand how someone can come out of life's trials and tribulations and wear their heart out on their sleeve. I to had my eyes closed to the suffering at a time in my past life but not anymore. This has come to be my delemma ever since my dance with the grim reaper. I care too much in a world that doesn't care at all.

My Own Quote of the Day

2010-08-26T22:14:00.000-04:00

My Soul

"Men love with their penises and women love with their souls"

Demons In My Mind

2010-08-22T20:19:00.000-04:00

The past several days have been very trying on me. I feel like I'm slipping down my life line and the will to hang on is getting harder and harder. The drugs don't help anymore. At least once upon a time they gave me a sense of euphoria and energy. I don't know what to do. I want to live but I don't think my mind is going to let me, if that makes sense to anyone. I feel like myself and I are in a game of tug-o-war. I don't know where or whom to turn to or even what to say or how to say it. I feel like I am aimlessly just living with no purpose. Did my father feel this way on that fateful day that he took his own life at the age of forty-seven so very long ago. Will I succumb to at the age as he. I feel like as the years go by, I'm getting worse. Why is that? Does anyone have the answers? Someone, I beg of thee help me to help myself, set me free.

Invisible

2010-08-22T20:01:00.000-04:00

Being invisible, what does it mean to me

Some would say it's my BPD

but I say no, it's because you have

no tolerance in your heart for me

Blame whatever you choose, but I know

how it goes

In the air up goes your nose

You feel untouchable by any type of mental

disease

it's in the genes, so beware someday it

will my turn not to care

Friends Who Appear Needier Than I

2010-08-21T06:33:00.001-04:00

I seem to meet and make friends with people who seem needier than I. Is "needier" even a word. I meet their needs as it seems but mine still go unattended to. I feel like I'm in a tunnel and the tunnel is getting narrower and narrower. I feel like that life is getting sucked right out of me sometimes. I just want to flee but don't know where to flee to. Lately, I have been just writing and writing about everything and nothing. This morning at about 5 am a letter was shoved under my door, regarding my small dog barking. One, isn't that what dogs do when someone or something is in their territory and two, I did get up to quiet him. In the letter it was stated that I leave my dog unattended to out on the balcony at all hours of the night, how quickly the management people of my apartment building have forgotten that the screen on my patio door as a huge hole where the dog can go in and out onto the balcony that they were suppose to have repaired some time ago. I know, you are probably asking yourself what prevalence does this bit of information have to do with my statement about friends who seem needier then I, well it actually doesn't but for some reason, tonight's letter just made me think of friends who are needier. I guess these two things are what is troubling me today.

My Abdication'

2010-08-13T08:44:00.001-04:00

My Abdication

In a moment of time, I felt the woman

in me come forth like never before

That was how you made me feel when

we were together.

You made me feel desirable, sexy and

loved, I felt complete. I search for that

now but have not found. It's like a once

in a life time feeling. To be in love as much

I was with thee.

I lay down my sword and surrender to this

loss. To accept what now is and must be.

I will never hold you, nor will you be holding

me, it is what it has now become.

No more seeking I will do because in reality

there is only one you.

Recyclable

2010-08-10T02:38:00.000-04:00

Recyclable

Some people are just meant to be

recycled

At the blink of an eye

Sometimes even without a word

of goodbye

You may not fit the bill that they

perceived you will

Be careful or you'll be thrown

away

And for that you are destined to not

be allowed to stay

You'll be recycled to no end until

the heart refuses to mend

August 9^th, 2010

Denise Kroeker Haskell

Me, My Sovereign and Borderline Personality Disorder

Kroeker Coat of Arms and History

Far Away

The Loggers Waltz

Just Me

The Giver

Broken Open by Adam Lambert

Shudder

Anterior Cervical Corpectomy and Fusion

Daddy

Mental Illness Sucks

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

T.I.D.E.S

Depression

Game

The Person I Am Most Like

Havent Seen The Last Of Me-Cher (from the movie Burlesque) (Lyrics in De...

The Script - Breakeven (Falling To Pieces)

No One Cares

To Care As I Do

*My Own Quote of the Day*

Demons In My Mind

Invisible

Friends Who Appear Needier Than I

My Abdication'

Recyclable

My Own Quote of the Day