Ok, so it’s been a while, and I do apologize to my readers who have been waiting patiently for a new story.  The demands of raising teens can be quite….demanding, for lack of better word.  The topic I’m going to share with you is not a funny one.  Instead, it’s quite serious, and for those of you dealing with teens in high school, you’ll be able to appreciate the stressfulness of it.  The realization that the culmination of all your parenting is coming to a close is quite daunting and surreal as you contemplate the reality of your child going off on their own into the world, and that there isn’t much you can do about it except hope that you have prepared them well enough for the challenges and demands that await them.  As my son turned 16 a few weeks ago this reality hit me pretty hard, and was actually quite depressing. But this is all part of being a parent right?  Ultimately, we have to accept that our children are on loan to us.

Several months ago I was speaking with the mother of one of my son’s friends who was concerned about her son’s lack of motivation to do well in school.  She was asking for my opinion on how I kept my own son motivated.  Of course I was very humbled. By no means do I consider myself an expert in parenting.  Personally, I don’t think anyone can claim to be one and I do not use this blog as a medium to “educate” other parents on how to parent.  My simple goal is to share my stories and the results of my parenting techniques.  As parents we have to determine what’s good for our individual children.  That being said, every child is different.  Some are easily motivated to study and do well in school without much encouragement or “threatening” (whichever method you prefer), while others have to basically be bribed all the way to college.  Growing up I was a highly motivated, self-disciplined, and self-reliant learner.  I rarely asked my parents for help, and had high expectations of myself.  My parents were very strict with my studies and made their expectations of me very clear: I was to do well, or else.

All was fine until I started high school.  My freshman year I bombed classes left and right as I found myself caught up in the exhilaration of being in a huge school with so much to do and so many people to know (until then I had gone to private school).  When report cards were passed out and I saw F’s, fear sunk in.  There was no way I could show my parents.  They would kill me and I literally believed that (something I’m sure many of you can relate to).  Fortunately for me, I had a friend who knew a trick that consisted of using a q-tip and hairspray, a pencil and the copy machine, and maybe some white out.  (This is when report cards were printed on carbon paper and students were expected to actually show their parents.)  To add, I was skipping classes, getting suspended and forging my parents’ signature on disciplinary slips.  Fortunately my state of rebellion only lasted a year and by sophomore year I cared about my performance once again, and no one was hurt in the process (except my gpa of course).

The demands and expectations of students today though are much more fierce and competitive than when I was 15/16.  And these demands and expectations are being applied to students  younger and younger as time progresses.  With magnet schools popping up throughout the country, more and more elementary students are expected to know what they want to do for the rest of their life as they are encouraged to pick a field of interest that they can study….in ELEMENTARY!  To add, parents are putting a lot of pressure on their children in an attempt to set them above and beyond their peers in this race/competition for success.  Understandably, we want our children to stand out above the rest, it’s ingrained in our psyche as Americans to compete….and do whatever we have to do in order to get there (including harming others and cheating).

Recently I attended a college information session with my son and walked out completely overwhelmed and stressed. I found myself immediately brainstorming ideas on how to help grow his educational resume so that he would stand out from the other hundred thousand students he would be competing against for scholarships and acceptance into colleges.  My anxiety was skyrocketing, so you can imagine his.  As a sophomore he’s taking some honors classes, some gifted classes and two, advanced placement classes that will give him college credit if he passes the AP test at the end of the school year.  Currently he’s registered for Dual Enrollment classes at the local college to begin in the summer where he will begin taking college classes and start accruing college credit.  If he is disciplined and motivated enough, he could actually graduate high school with well over 30 college credits (and it’s all free).  My son is aware of the SAT scores he needs to have in order to get into the IVY League colleges he’s considering, he has an A list, a B List and a C list of college choices, is applying for a summer job, manages his own music band (which includes weekly practices, in addition to recording sessions, and gigs), and even has his own side business making leather bracelets.

Of course this can be quite impressive to some parents, and don’t get me wrong, it is to me as well, and the question I get from most is: how does he handle it all?  But, honestly, up until recently, he wasn’t handling it very well.  My son’s grades are not as good as I would want them to be, he tends to spread himself very thin, finding it difficult to say no to any exciting, new or promising activity or adventure, doesn’t prioritize his time very well, is not very organized, procrastinates for everything, and wastes a lot of time on Facebook and texting or talking on the phone.  You’re probably thinking that I must be on his ass all the time, nagging and reprimanding him to get his priorities taken care of, but actually I don’t.  In fact, I refuse to.

I spent a lot of time doing that throughout his time in elementary.  I set my expectations of him and made sure he understood them.  I gave him rewards when he accomplished successful feats, and punished him when he did not meet satisfactory expectations.  I volunteered as often as I could at his school making sure that the teachers knew me and knew that I cared, and was on the PTA for many years.  When he entered Middle School though, I made a commitment to back off.  In my mind, middle school was the place where I would lengthen the rope, but not cut it completely.  I gave him enough slack to move around, make mistakes, learn from those mistakes, have fun, hide things from me, be irresponsible, and accept consequences.  If he got in trouble at school he understood that he would serve the punishment at school, not at home.  But since I was still holding on to the rope at the end, I still knew everything that was going on and made sure he knew that his teachers and I were in constant communication. Inevitably, when you give a child the freedom to make their own decisions they will not always make the right choices and so his grades slipped here and there and went from being an every semester honor roll student to a once a year honor roll student.

Conferencing with his teachers in Middle School would always reveal the same thing: he is a smart kid, he’s a good kid, but he’s capable of more.  He’s lazy.

By the time he got into high school I cut the rope completely.  As far as I’m concerned, he’s on his own; I don’t check homework, I don’t ask if it’s been done, I don’t know when there are quizzes or tests or projects due, yet he knows that I’m there for him and he can count on my support if he needs it.  Unfortunately, the laziness he demonstrated in middle school, transcended into high school, and ultimately it would come back and bite him in the ass at the beginning of this year when he discovered that in order to register for dual enrollment, he needed a 3.0 UNweighted GPA.  Foolishly, he had been counting on the fact that since he was in honors and AP courses his weighted GPA would be taken into consideration (which is higher than the unweighted GPA).  As a result, for not applying himself 100%, and for being lazy during his freshman year, he was unable to begin dual enrollment early in the year when he wanted to.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very proud of my son and his accomplishments, but more importantly (to me) is not so much his achievements in school, but rather for the man he is becoming; a self-reflective, philosophical, caring, creative, genuine, independent and self reliant man.

At the same time, one of the greatest rewards of being a parent is watching your child realize the gravity of their decisions and how those decisions will affect the rest of their life, and how with that understanding, they begin to apply strategies to ensure their personal success.  At the end of the day, I don’t want my children living up to my expectations of success, I want them to live up to their own.  I want them to possess intrinsic motivation, I want them to WANT to do good in school for themselves, because being successful in school will open up doors to opportunities for THEM, not for me.

As a college educator I see far too many young men and women who are completely lost, confused, overwhelmed, intimidated and ill-prepared.  They don’t know how to manage their classes or time, how to be organized, how to study for all the tests, write all the papers, and attend all the labs, in addition to a job, new friends and school events.  Many of them are there because it is expected of them to go to college right after high school, because their parents are paying for it and they live at home.  Many of them have parents who still make them breakfast and do their laundry, and think they can email or call their professors for updates on their kids’ performance in the class (which by the way, the law states that once your kid is in college, we are forbidden from disclosing student information, even if they are still minors).

I’m not saying that parents shouldn’t expect their children to go to college immediately after high school.  But I do believe that not everyone needs to get a college education to be successful in life (and many powerful individuals in our society have proven this), and more importantly I don’t think that all young adults (17/18) are prepared to go to college right after high school. Far too many children from this generation are being coddled by their parents (as well as their educators and coaches) to the point of damaging and impairing them so that they are ill equipped to handle the demands of college and the consequences of doing poorly in college.  And the consequences of doing poorly in college are far worse than what they are in high school.

When I have students emailing me at the end of the semester asking me why I “GAVE” them a B+ instead of an “A”, it becomes evident that they failed to learn an important lesson in the value of EARNING their grades, somewhere along the course of their young life.  What is worse, is when I receive an email from a student at the end of the semester or even the following semester, begging me to raise their final grade so they won’t lose their scholarship.  In this case, it is obvious that this individual did not learn to accept the consequences of their own actions.  How is this possible you ask???  This is likely to occur when mommy and/or daddy have always been there to clean up their child’s mess.  While the parents’ intentions come from a good place, the consequences of doing this are devastating.  For instance, the mother who goes to her child’s school to complain about the suspension her child has received as a consequence of their own misbehavior or having broken the rules, and makes so much noise about it that the disciplinary action is dropped, only teaches the child that if they kick, scream and beg enough they can get out of the consequences of their action (much like the 18 year old begging me to change their grade).  Unfortunately, this only sets the child up to learn the hard way, and as the case with my students, they could find themselves facing serious disciplinary action.

Like I said at the beginning, every child is different, and they all need to be guided and mentored accordingly (taking their needs and abilities into consideration) so they learn how to succeed on their own.  As a parent I think focusing less on whether or not my kid made the Principal Honor roll every semester, or received high recognitions in everything they do, and more on teaching them how to be self motivated, self disciplined and self reliant is the better course of action.  I want my boys to learn how to work hard for what they earn, how to pick themselves up when they fall, and how to clean up their own mess when they spill something on the floor.  Without these skills I don’t think it matters how many awards or trophies or recognitions they have received throughout their childhood and adolescence, because at the end of the day, when they go out there, on their own, away from me, if they don’t have these skills, they won’t be equipped to achieve great success and they won’t know how to want it for themselves.  Just sayin’.

Peace out!

-Natasha Olivera

“I’d be concerned if he wasn’t watching porn.”    

“That’s my DAWG.”

“I wouldn’t worry; he’s about that age.”

“It’s perfectly fine and normal.”

“It’s not a big deal.”

These are just a few of the classically typical male reactions I have received from various friends when asked what they think of my sons watching porn.  And then, of course, they are more than happy to spin off into their own personal stories about their first time watching porn, which, on the average, is usually around the age of 11.

Yup, 11.

Recently my youngest was caught by his father, so I can’t tell that story, but I did catch my oldest son about two years ago and can, therefore, tell that story. Now, don’t get all excited cuz there really isn’t much of a story to it.  It happened so fast, that I’m not even sure how my brain processed the moment so quickly, and I wasn’t even positive that that’s what he was doing.

I had opened the door to my sons bedroom to go in and say goodnight to him, and as if he had superman speed, his hand went to the top of the screen of his laptop and he brought it slightly downward while in the same movement his body shifted in the bed so that the laptop back was facing me and I could not make out what was on the screen.  This was all done in a very subtle and almost professional manner that to the inexperienced observant it would not have raised any suspicion what-so-ever.

I, however, know this move all too well! LOL! I have two brothers and grew up around guys; I know when they’re trying to hide something or when they’re busted.

In any case, I didn’t bother going in for the kiss. I just calmly said goodnight at the door and closed it, thinking to myself that I was pretty damn sure he was watching porn. The next day I logged onto his computer, went to the internet history and BAM!! Pornotube, youporn, and freeporn links over and over again. And yes, I checked some of them out to see what kind of porn he was watching.  I wanted to make sure that the porn he was watching wasn’t some violent, aggressive, sadomasochist porn.  Let’s just say that I was able to breath a sigh of relief after that.

I didn’t address the issue of porn with my son until a few weeks later.  First off, I didn’t want to make him any more uncomfortable than he might have already been if he was assuming that I saw something.  Second, I didn’t want to make a big deal about it.  Growing up around guys, I’ve always accepted the fact that watching porn was something “normal.”

While all the guys I spoke to about this issue, would never say that they condone watching porn, especially at that age, they wouldn’t condemn it either. The consensus among them was that, out of sheer curiosity, the onset of puberty, and raging hormones, boys are enticed and intrigued to watch porn.  As one of my friends put it, “Sexual frustration sucks at any age.  Porn can help relieve some of that.” Another one said he’d rather his son be watching porn and jerking off then doing drugs or committing crimes, “If him blowing his load keeps him out of trouble, so be it.”

Some feel that porn is a teaching tool.  Even though boys have an idea of what to do, porn teaches them how things function, where things go, and different positions, among other things, ultimately arming them with the tools they need when it comes time to do it for real.  And lastly, as one friend said, “They see a little of what to expect and they don’t nut their pants as soon as a girl drops her panties the first time.”

But, ultimately, all of this left me wondering: If porn is a teaching tool, how do boys learn, or figure out, that what they see in a porn movie is not necessarily something they may want to try out with their girlfriend later on down the road? Because the truth is, that while the sex is real, it is acting and most porn portrays sex in a perverse, grotesque, and aggressive manner, void of love, tenderness, passion, etc., and, for the most part, degrades women and places them in overtly submissive positions (no pun intended, lol).

This, in reality, is my only concern with my boys watching porn.  That, along with the possibility of it becoming an addiction (but then again this is a concern with anything, whether it’s working out, eating, drugs, sex, or porn; any addiction is not a good addiction).  And I don’t just ask this question for myself to address with my own boys.  What about those boys whose parents don’t talk to them about watching porn, or who never catch them watching porn, or who just assume that their kid would NEVER watch porn?  How do they figure it out?

After discussing it with my male friends, and forcing them to think of an answer to this question, the consensus among them is that since they are bombarded with sexual images on a daily basis, whether it be the sexy Victoria Secret magazine sitting on the table, or the romantic love scenes on their favorite TV show, or passionate sensual lovemaking scenes in movies, they are absorbing all of these ideas of what sex is, and somewhere in all of that, a sense of balance is generated. Like one of my male friends said: “Everything we come in contact with contributes and influences us more than we realize.  Especially in kids.  And how one thing influences us can determine how something else influences us.  Even if it’s all false.”

A few weeks after “catching” my son watching porn, my sons and I were having a conversation that started out with talking about girls, which then lead to masturbation and sex.  At one point my youngest decided to out his brother and declared, “He watches porn.” My oldest didn’t even flinch at the accusation.  I raised an eyebrow and looked at him, “You do?”  “Yeah,” he answered, very matter-of-factly and with zero sign of embarrassment. His response was more of a “duuuhh” reply.  I took the opportunity at that time to delve into the issue and explain to them that what they saw on those videos was not an accurate representation of what sex would be like when they shared that intimate moment with a woman.  “So you’re not mad that he’s watching porn?” my youngest asked.  “No.  There’s nothing wrong with it, as long as you understand that it’s acting and those people get paid for doing that, just like WWF wrestlers and any other TV or movie actors.  It’s all for show.”

Now, of course, like the guys said, I don’t condone my boys watching porn, but I accept it as a “natural” path to the learnings of sexuality, along with masturbation. If there’s concern about the effects porn could have, “research shows no causal link in adults between the use of pornography – even violent pornography – and sexual criminality; indeed, in some regions, increased access to pornography has been shown to be correlated with reduced incidences of sex crimes. Such findings are counter-intuitive, and few parents accept their validity. The fact is that most children explore pornography at some time in their lives, and there is no statistical evidence that it causes specific harm. Of course, what matters is how a child engages with this material.”

Sex research has also established that males are more visually oriented therefore, naturally drawn to visual images, not that I think any of you didn’t already know that, but I thought I’d point out the obvious. And then of course there’s the fact that biologists argue that “being sexually stimulated by the sight of the female form and its posturing is directly tied to mating behavior and the propagation and survival of our species.”

While it could become an addiction, and violent porn could definitely distort a boys perspective of women (as beings who are to be dominated, objectified and used solely for sexual gratification….hmmm, wait, so does pretty much any other visual image of women, from billboards to music videos and commercials) at the end of the day, porn is not the only learning tool that boys have.  At least I would hope not.  Their primary resource for lessons should always be from their parents. Truth is, if you’re embarrassed to talk about it, then your kids are going to be embarrassed to ask you questions.  Topics of sex should be a part of everyday conversations, the same way academics, friendships, drugs, alcohol, and health are.  Shit, most of our sex conversations happen at the dinner table.  LMAO!

BUT…no matter how comfortable I am with having these convos with my boys, I for one hope to never experience that awkward moment of walking in on one of them obviously watching porn, masturbating or doing both…something that, according to my boys, has happened to several of their friends.  Come to think of it, this is probably the best excuse to start making them do their own laundry and clean up their own “mess,” if you know what I mean.

Peace Out!

-Natasha Olivera

What?  You don’t get text messages from your teens telling you they love you?  You know, just letting you know they’re thinking of you, they appreciate you, and everything you do for them just for the hell of it?  Not because they want something from you, or because they got in trouble, but simply because they want to let you know they love you, even though they’re in school and aren’t supposed to be texting.

Like this message I got from my 13 year old son:

Sweet huh??  Totally made my day.  Of course I had to show off how much my baby loves me so I took a screen shot picture of it and posted in on my Facebook.  Ohhhh, shut up, you would’ve done the same thing!!

About an hour later I got a phone call.  It was the counselor at my sons Middle School. Mrs. “Counselor” was calling to let me know that everything was alright with my son (this is the first thing they say to reassure you as your mind starts to predict the worst case scenario), but that she had to have a talk with him because someone had informed the administration that my son, my intelligent, generous, loving son, had been mooning students after school at the park. I painted a mental picture of my little man, his back  to his on looking spectators, dropping his basketball shorts and exposing them with his white ass and a smirk on his face.

Mrs. “Counselor” continued to inform me that while they could not discipline him since he did not commit the offense on school grounds, she wanted him to understand the severity of his actions by giving him a warning and informing me of his inapropriate behavior.

“Ok, thank you for letting me know,”  I told her.  What else was I gonna say?  Thank you for letting me know that my son is a little douche for mooning people? Or, Thank you for making me feel like a crappy parent?  Because, after all, my sons actions are a reflection of my parenting, right?  I mean, do the counselors really call us to “inform” us parents whenever our kids screw up to scare the kid into understanding the gravity of the situation (i.e. “I’m going to call your parents and let them know what you have done”).   Or are they actually calling to let us know that we’re doing a crappy job at teaching them civil, appropriate & mature behavior?

Intellectually speaking, I know it’s the former, but I tell you what, as a parent it feels like the latter.  Needless to say, although I did find it a bit humorous (but I would never tell him that), I wasn’t too content with the fact that my son was mooning his peers and….well, I was feeling duped by his text message.  So, even though I shouldn’t be texting him while he’s in school, I texted him back:

FYI: There is a typo in my text and it should read: "Did YOU text me..." and for those of you who are not familiar with text acronyms "IK" means "I Know"

There’s something about shame and facing the disappointment in your parents’ face when you’ve done something wrong.  I can remember this feeling all too well, and it was punishment enough. So, that was the look my son faced when I picked him up from school later that afternoon.  I turned the radio off and asked him what was going on.  Just two weeks previously he had gotten a detention for having run off to lunch before the teacher gave them the go ahead and so, in this moment, he confessed that he was feeling like he just kept messing up and letting me down. We spent the drive home talking about self control and “thinking before acting”, and as my tough little man, who never cries in front of anyone, fought back the tears and his lower lip trembled, I could hear in his reflections that he was also disappointed in himself.

And while many of you may argue that his behavior may merit a punishment or “grounding”, his own personal disappointment was punishment enough for me.

It is my belief, that throughout the different stages of our development we experiment and in turn experience. Every day is an opportunity to learn through the choices that we make, and sometimes those choices are not always the “right” ones, or the best ones.  However, if we never screwed up then how would we learn anything?

But sometimes I feel like parents tend to forget what it was like being a teenager, learning about boundaries, and respect, emotions, relationships, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc, etc, and how many times we acted before thinking when making choices.  Instead parents present themselves as though they were perfect teenagers who NEVER made a wrong choice or committed a questionable act, so how could their own child possibly make a wrong choice as well….I mean it’s ludicrous right? Yes, we expect our kids to be better and smarter than we were, but how can they learn that if we project a facade of perfection?  How could they possibly be better and smarter than that?

Even as adults we make day-to-day decisions/choices, and sometimes they are not always the right ones to make.  We understand that every decision/choice has a consequence and we are able to “think before we act”.  However, even as adults, we still make incorrect, bad, or wrong choices (and I’m not even talking about illegal choices, but I’ll ask you to reflect anyways: how many times have you made the choice to drive faster than the speeding limit? Or run a red light? Or roll through a stop sign?) but don’t face severe “punishments” or consequences. Yet, time and time again I have observed parents grounding their kids, punishing them for having made a “wrong” choice, stripping them of their privileges and property and confining them to the jail of their room as though they had committed a felony and were now convicts.

The difference between teens and adults, in my humble opinion, is that as adults we have the ability to self-reflect (admittedly not all of us), where as teens, because they are so self absorbed and believe the world revolves around them, have a more difficult time self reflecting.   So why, instead of punishing them for every little “mistake” they make, don’t we teach them how to self reflect on those errors by communicating with them?

Sounds easier said than done?  I don’t think so.  Many of you have applauded me over and over again about the communication that exists between me and my sons, but I can tell you that it doesn’t stop there.  I have that with other children, including my sons friends, and even my own college students.  Reason being, because I work (no, it doesn’t come natural) on forging a relationship built on trust and honesty that allows me the opportunity to communicate with them and then teach them how to self reflect.

But if grounding works for you, great, keep up the good work!  Although I do have to say, from what I have witnessed, most parents do not have the ability to remain consistent with their groundings, and groundings tend to interfere with the lives of those who live in the house.  In the end, most parents tend to give in or “forget” and all this teaches the child is that a “one month grounding” is really only going to last a week and in turn, they become extremely conscious of their parents inability to stick to a punishment and (as I have heard with my own ears) they go around talking shit about their parents for doing this.

Either way, I’m no parenting “expert” (whatever the hell that is); I’m just learning as I go along stumbling my way through parenthood.

Oh and if you’re wondering why he did it…it was a dare!!

Peace Out!

-Natasha Olivera

When my youngest son turned into a maniacal toddler who would bite, pull hair, scream and rage all over the house, I knew I was in for trouble if I didn’t look for some disciplinary alternatives, particularly since I adamantly refused to spank my children (never have, never will and, as a former child of corporal punishment, I do not see the logic in it).  So I turned to “positive reinforcement”; it was a practice I was already familiar with having worked with my younger brother who had a learning disability and ADHD, but I wasn’t very conscious of it.  I bought one book, read the gist of it and was on my way to creating special star charts and changing my vocabulary.  I also designated a spot in the house with a”thinking” couch (rather than a “time-out” spot) where my boys could reflect on their actions.  I even used relaxing methods such as breathing exercises, to teach my youngest how to calm down through focused breathing.

I know it probably sounds crazy and hippy-like to some of you, but hey, it worked, and to this day, when his anger starts to get the best of him, I tell him to breath. And he breathes.  And I’m sure you have to do the same thing every now and then….bet it doesn’t sound too crazy anymore, huh?

Positive reinforcement is basically “catching” your child doing something you want them to do and rewarding it.  The child gets attention and reward as positive reinforcement for doing the right thing emphasizing that they should repeat that particular behavior.  If you have ever trained a dog, this will sound familiar to you.  The problem with all of this though, that I have noticed as an educator in the preschool classroom, elementary and even college classrooms, is that parents have taken this method and over indulged their children in it and, in effect, have created praise junkies who are incapable of doing anything without some sort of recognition (for example, today if you play a sport on a team, it doesn’t matter if you sucked or not, you still get a fricken trophy…so pick all the grass you want hunny, you’ll still be a winner!) I see this in my college students when they question how I could have possibly given them a particular grade….the notion of EARNING the grade has never crossed their mind.

In any case, I have tried my best, as I stumble through parenthood, to create a balance with my boys teaching them to work hard and earn their way while still providing them with praise and recognition when they make smart choices or have great accomplishments.  Now, if I tell them to clean the bathroom and they do a half-assed job, they’re not getting any praise for trying!  In my book, if you do a job half-assed you might as well not have done it at all.   On that note, I am not one of those parents who gives allowances for house work.  The way I see it, nobody pays me to do it, so I’m not going to pay my kids for house chores.  The reality is that we live in this house together, we make the mess together, therefore we clean it up together, damnit!   To be fair though, my kids will earn money for jobs like cutting the grass, or cleaning the car because these are services that I will pay to have done by an “expert”.

Some of the bracelets my son makes

And yes, I am aware that some of you who do give allowances will argue that it teaches kids how to manage their money (even if you’re not exactly teaching them anything about receiving money without earning it), which is very important, but rest assured my children know how to manage money.  Not only do they get paid to do jobs like cleaning cars, they receive monetary gifts from their grandparents, and my 15 year old started his own business a year ago when he began selling leather bracelets that he makes himself.

Lastly, there’s one other thing I will pay my kids for:

Good Grades.

Yup, that’s right.  Because, and hear me out here, while they should want to get good grades for their own personal satisfaction and the opportunities that good grades will afford them in the future, I also know that children in general are not fully capable of seeing or understanding the long term consequences their effort in school has (and my children have been exposed to the University with me since they were babies).  Additionally, I have always taught my kids, as I do my college students, that school is their J.O.B.  Just like a job, you have to be there on time, or there are consequences, just like a job if you smart mouth your boss/teacher, there are consequences, and just like a job, the better you do, the more recognition you receive and that recognition should be rewarded.  In a job it would be a promotion, right?

Ok, so I give them money for their grades, albeit a very modest amount and an amount that is based on incentive; the better you do the more money you make.  When they were in elementary school, for every A on their report card, they would earn $2 and for every B, $1.  Straight A’s (Principal’s Honor Roll) got them a whopping $10. Anything lower did not qualify for monetary compensation.  This worked rather well throughout elementary school and as they moved into middle school and now high school, taking honors and/or gifted classes, I upped the ante and told them if they got all A’s and B’s (honor roll) they would earn $25 and straight A’s would get them $50.  Understandably, it becomes more difficult to as you progress through the grades, but I was posing it as a challenge for them to push and excel.

Throughout the three years that my eldest was in Middle School and even into his Freshman year (with the exception of the perhaps two or three grading periods in early middle school) he has brought home at least one C on his report card every grading period.  My youngest started Middle School last year, and again with the exception of one grading period managed to bring home at least one C every other grading period.

So what’s the problem??  In my mind, I’m giving you the opportunity to make some buku bucks!!  And you still don’t want to work hard for it?? I was left dazed and confused realizing that the damn positive reinforcement WAS NOT WORKING!!  So where did that leave me??

I’ll tell you where!  It left me with THREATS! If I threaten to fire you, then you’re most likely going to step it up, especially if you can’t afford to lose your job. So I threatened them!  At the beginning of the school year I told them that if they brought home anything less than a “B” they would be grounded for the following grading period.  The entire 9 weeks! Throughout the first month, on several occasions, I reminded them of this threat in an attempt to ensure it hadn’t slipped their mind, because honestly, grounding my kids was not something I was looking forward to; the reality is grounding kids is A LOT OF WORK! It means being consistent and not being manipulated by “I love you’s” and “How was your day mommy?”

Suffice it to say, the grading period ended on Friday, October 28th and, well, I think the evidence speaks for itself!!

High Schooler's Grades

Middle Schooler's Grades

Peace Out!!

-Natasha Olivera

Sometimes I really don’t know where I went wrong with my boys or if this issue is more common than mothers want to admit.  My sons have some nasty, gross, disgusting habits, as well as some annoying ones and I’m here to Out Them! Judge me if you please, but I’d much rather you provide suggestions or feedback as to how to get them to STOP the annoyances and nastiness!!  Remember, these are my stumbles through parenthood, and besides, at the end of the day, I know my kids aren’t the only ones with nasty habits, I may just be the only one willing to admit it!! LOL!

**Disclaimer: The contents of this post may induce involuntary gastrointestinal reflexes.  Proceed with caution.**

1. Peeing with the door open. I mean seriously?  How hard is it to close the door?  Do you have some kind of phobia that you have to keep the door open??

2. Peeing on the floor. How big does the damn hole have to be for you to shoot inside the toilet??  I wonder if they’re too old for those potty targets for toddlers learning how to pee?

3. Scratching your balls, playing with your balls, adjusting your balls, picking at your penis, hands down the pants, etc. Whatever it is you’re doing, I don’t want to see it!  You make me think you have some kind of infection!  And this goes for all guys!

4. Bloody pimple pus on the mirror. Honestly, does it get any more gross than that?

5.  Bloody pimple pus on the shower towel!!! Yeah, I guess it does!!

6. Dirty/Sticky hands. Which are then used on the refrigerator door handle, bedroom and bathroom door knobs, walls, couches, etc.  I mean, I don’t want germaphobes who HAVE to wash their hands every minute, but c’mon, if you have BBQ sauce on your fingertips DON’T OPEN THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR (or any other door for that matter)!!

7. Shower Towels. How difficult is it to hang up your towel back in the bathroom after you have taken a shower?  Why is there this need to accumulate 6-8 towels in your room because your too lazy to hang it up after you’re done with it?  The worst part is when I step out of the shower only to discover that I have no towel because someone used it and yup, you guessed it, left it in his room.

8. Used floss sticks, kleenex and Q-tips on the floor. Seriously, how hard is it to throw them INSIDE the waste basket!!  The worst part is that most of the time these used items are on the floor right around the base of the waste basket.  Obviously we have issues with aiming!

9. Nose picking. No matter how many times you tell me you’re pulling your nose hairs, I’m not going to believe you, and even if you were pulling nose hairs, I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR FINGERS UP YOUR NOSE! (would it be considered abuse if I slightly pushed his finger up his nose while he was doing it?? lol)

10. Hair. Hair in the sink, hair in the tub, hair on shower walls…and please don’t ask where those hairs are coming from, because personally, I DON’T want to know!!

Peace Out!

-Natasha Olivera

About a month ago, my 13-year-old son shared with me the story of a girl in his class who had taken a naked picture of herself and sent it to the boy she liked, who in turn forwarded it to all of his friends.  Within less than a day, the photo had been circulated throughout the school and everyone had seen it. This is not a new story and for the most part there are one of two reactions to these types of situations. Some of you will immediately pounce on the boy for being callous and disrespectful and think he never should have shown the picture to anyone and should have simply deleted the picture and saved her from further embarrassment (because a young hormonal boy would have the level of consciousness needed to make this logical choice).  Some of you on the other hand are thinking, he never asked for it and why would a 13 year old girl be so stupid as to take a picture of herself; she must not have any self worth and her parents must not pay enough attention to her (because it is so uncommon for a young girl to go to that point to make a boy like her right? Doesn’t this same concept apply to sex, and even teen pregnancy?).

I, on the other hand, am not surprised and don’t judge either party.  This is a classic story that has been played out in movies and soap operas for generations and generations except it has a slightly different twist to it: technology.

A few weeks ago, after reading a quick article online, I attached a link to it on both of my sons’ Facebook walls with the following comment: “Sexting is now illegal in the state of Florida.”  I figured if they didn’t want to heed my warnings about avoiding it (because seriously why would you listen to your mother when all she is trying to do is ruin your sexting fun?) then perhaps they would listen to the law.  It’s very easy for people to point the finger at parents and say, “Those parents obviously didn’t instill morals and values into that child.”  Cuz if you did, they wouldn’t do it right?  Cuz if you did, they wouldn’t have sexual urges or fantasies or desires, right?  I hate to break it to you people, but we are sexual beings, albeit some much more than others, but it doesn’t mean we have less values or morals than the next person.

The day I put cell phones in my boys’ hands, I spoke to them about how to “properly” use their phones.  I’m also very aware of what the capabilities of these phones are (just as with the internet..and let me add that no there is no privacy in my home, my boys know that I have full access to phones, computers, emails, etc if and when I feel the need to look into them).  I explained to my sons that they are not to send or forward lewd or sexually explicit pictures, and if a girl sends one to them they are to delete it immediately.  I’ve discussed with them possible reasons a young girl might feel compelled to do it, I have told them that they should never ask a girl to do that, and I have cited cases where young teens have gone to jail for it. But at the end of the day, and I have said this before, I trust my kids, but I don’t trust my kids.  I would like to believe that neither of my sons would forward nor show their friends a picture a young girl who may have sent it to them, but, frankly, I don’t know this for a fact.

Like sex between minors can lead to very negative consequences, sexting between minors can as well.  (By the way, if you are not sure what sexting is, it is defined as: the act of sending sexually explicit messages or photographs via mobile phones.)  Honestly though, this is not something new.  What is new is the method of delivery; I remember receiving some sexually explicit handwritten notes from boys in high school, and we had sex codes for beepers as well.  In any case, over the last few years there have been some cases where young men and women have been accused of possession and distribution of child pornography, sentenced to jail and furthermore are now labeled as sex offenders for sending or being in possession of sexually explicit messages sent between two consenting minors.  If you didn’t already know that this could happen, well now you know, and the consequences of teens sexting have been quite extraordinary.  Here are some examples:

In Pennsylvania, 6 teenagers were charged. Three girls for creating “child porn” (in other words the girls took pics of themselves), and three boys (who it was sent to) for possessing it. In Texas, an eighth-grader actually spent a night in prison after his coach found a nude picture on his cell phone which had been sent by another student (why was the coach on his phone??). In Wisconsin, a 17-year-old was charged with child pornography after posting naked pictures of his girlfriend, who is a year younger, on the internet. In Rochester, New York, a boy aged 16 faces seven years in jail for circulating an image of a girlfriend to friends.

A 15-year-old girl in Ohio and a 14-year-old girl in Michigan were charged with felonies for sending along nude images of themselves to classmates. Similar charges have been filed in cases in Alabama, Connecticut, Florida, New Jersey, and Utah. Some may remember back to the case in Florida a few years ago where a teen couple took pictures of themselves nude, and engaged in “unspecified sexual behavior.” The police got involved somehow when one of the kids sent the photo to the other. They were tried in the courts and convicted for both production and distribution of child pornography, and the teenager who had received the image also had the charge of possession. It was taken to an appeals court, and they lost. The convictions stood.

In reality, these convictions have occurred due to the fact that the law has not caught up to technology and as such teens are being tried under child pornography laws, the same as a pedophile would for possessing, taking and/or distributing photos/videos of minors without consent, because there do not exist any other laws. As a result, in an attempt to soften the laws against teen offenders, Florida has, as of June, officially made it illegal for minors to sext with the following consequences:

The first offense is a non-criminal violation punishable by eight hours of community service or a $60 fine. The second strike is a first-degree misdemeanor and on the third offense, sexting becomes a felony, carrying a maximum five-year prison sentence.

Different states have come up with their own laws in response to this seemingly innocent act between horny teenagers, in an attempt to address the issue as a separate legal issue from the more serious crime of child pornography.  Albeit, some states establishing laws that make a little more sense than others; like any other law in the book.

At the end of the day, though, whether it’s illegal or not, and whether we like the idea or not, horny teens are going to continue passing dirty notes, having phone sex, or sexting each other as they explore and experience sexuality.  Arguing whether the sender loses all rights to their privacy the second they hit send, or whether the receiver should have the moral capacity to know not to show someone’s dirty messages or naked pics to anyone or the Internet, does not solve much.  Bottom line, if you make a law that infringes on your right to speech and expression, no matter what age you are, it is too much government for me.  (Just like all these cities coming up with laws that ban people from wearing sagging pants.  Are you serious??) I can however, concede that the victimization of individuals for having entrusted in another individual is very sad and heart breaking, in addition to the embarrassment and humiliation that the individual must go through that can be quite traumatic.  I would never want my child to experience that humiliation or anyone else’s child for that matter.  This alone is lesson enough for an individual to never do it again and serves as an example to those close to that individual.

That being said, though, I can not agree with the fact that sexting should be illegal as a form to “protect children from themselves” as Seth Grove, a Republican from York County put it, but rather, we should be looking at what is being done with the contents of those messages.  For instance, it should be punishable by law when the contents are used maliciously or heinously, as could be the case with a scorned lover posting his ex-girlfriends naked picture on the internet with her name and number where it will remain permanently and could be of potential harm to her life, and her future career or social life.

In the meantime, instead of assuming my boys would NEVER BE CAPABLE of taking, possessing or forwarding sexually explicit messages, I will continue to explain to them the negative consequences sharing these types of messages could have on their lives and the lives of others (as parents with daughters should do), I will continue to encourage my boys to delete provocative pictures from girls that could get them in trouble, delete messages from their phones, tell them not encourage any female to send them sexually explicit pictures, not encourage their friends to forward sexually explicit pictures or messages, and most importantly, encourage them to keep their relationships with the young ladies around them, honorable and honest. But hey, that’s a lot easier said then done, right??!!  In the meantime, I’ll keep stumbling my way through through this thing called parenthood.

Peace Out!!

-Natasha Olivera

For the last seven months I have been hiding something from you, my readers,  and while I of course have had legitimate reasons for keeping this from you, I feel the time has come to reveal the truth.

Seven months ago my husband of 16 years ago ended our marriage (I will not get into the details of why or how, as it is irrelevant at this point).  Of course it was an extremely difficult time for me, but to add to the loss, we decided to keep quiet about it and not let the boys or family and friends know. For four months we continued living together, sleeping together and pretending to “be” together for the boys and many of our friends and family.  When he received his Army orders with his assignment and duty station in another state, we knew that at that time we would be able to move on.  The weekend before he left I helped him pack whatever he could take with him and the day of, we said goodby with a brief hug, he gave me a kiss on my shoulder and as he got in the car, without looking back, I closed the door and knew that that was the end.  While those four months living together were emotionally torturous, I remained committed to continue working together as parents for our children.  They have and always will be our number one priority.

Sometime in April  I remember watching Eva Longoria speak about her divorce on the Piers Morgan Tonight Show and feeling so connected to her in that moment.  As she sat there talking about her divorce I felt a tinge of envy in her ability to be able to speak about it openly while I had to remain silent almost as though I was festering away in this lie that was leaving me anxious and sleepless and on edge (I still wonder how I managed to teach that semester and give my students the 100% they deserved from me and that I required from them).  I sympathized and understood when Eva briefly touched on the the loss of her identity as “Mrs. Parker” the wife and facing the question of “who am I”, a question that I  myself have asked having identified myself as the wife of an infantry combat soldier/painter alongside my own identities as a teacher and writer.  This was a poignant revelation coming from a professional career woman and philanthropist who is quite obviously very independent and self reliant.  But the moment that touched me the most and at which point I acquired a new sense of admiration for this Latina who has transcended many boundaries and limitations is when she said,  “I would never speak ill about him or the time we had together, I really, really valued it….He’s not a bad person, he just wanted something else and I don’t hate him for it.” She ended the conversation about her divorce with a piece of advice a friend had given her: “Hold on to the love, not the loss” and I was inspired, not only by her strength and her honesty, but with her drive to rediscover herself outside of someone else and continue with her work, her projects and her philanthropy.

Approximately 6 weeks ago I sat down with my boys and told them the truth about their father and I.  They seemed indifferent about the news; it didn’t appear to surprise them, and yet they weren’t devastated.  They said they understood that people grow out love and it’s better they go their separate ways instead of being miserable.  If you follow my stories, this probably doesn’t surprise you.  My guys are something else…far beyond their years mentally, but still I can’t forget that they are only young men.  I dug a little deeper for more reaction to the situation and they admitted that it was sad, but as long as nothing changed between the way we as parents treated them and continued loving them, then the separation wouldn’t affect them, especially since their dad was already gone on orders and they were already prepared to be separated from him for a while.

Nevertheless, I offered therapy and although that was shot down right away by both of them with furious shakes of the head I did manage to get them in with my therapist for a half hour session in lieu of sitting in the lounge waiting for me.  It actually went really well and they even admitted that they would be willing to go again.

In the meantime, I have been undergoing a period of transition into this new life as a single mother.  I’ve always had tremendous admiration for many of my friends who are single moms and manage to juggle careers and social lives while remaining incredible mothers.  And while being a single mom is not new to me, what with all the deployments my ex had when he was in the military and I was left alone for up to a year at a time raising our boys, this is different on many levels, primarily on the level that there exists finality as opposed to “I just have to hang in there for “X” amount of months.”  And unlike some of my single mom friends, there is no shared custody or every other weekend visits; I am completely on my own, seven days a week, 24 hours a day.

So how will my stories change as a result of this?  Honestly, I’m not sure.  Obviously my parenting strategies and philosophy will not change and as long as the ex and I can remain civil with each other and co-parent effectively, always putting their needs before our own (which, due to first hand experience, we promised to do), and so perhaps the stories won’t change.  On the other hand, some may begin to analyze the boys’ behavior as a consequence of the separation. I can’t predict the future, but at the end of the day, it is important to me that you, the reader, know and understand the context from which I am now writing these stories about raising teenage boys and it’s important to me because as a writer, I don’t like feeling as though I’m lying to you, the reader.  Through this revelation, I am now liberated and free to write my stories from the true and real context of which I am living, uninhibited by a secret, as I continue my stumbles through parenthood.

Peace Out!

-Natasha Olivera

For those of you who have been reading my stories for a while now you may be under the impression that my boys are amazing kids who never get in trouble or do anything wrong.

First of all, I would like to apologize if I have misled you in this manner.  I mean, they are pretty amazing kids (they are a by-product of moi after all), but they are far from “perfect” and are definitely prone to engaging in mindless, idiotic behavior at times.  I’d venture to say more often than not, as most kids their age do, but the way I see it, more often than not, they just don’t get caught engaging in harmless & mindless, idiotic behavior.

Take for instance my 15 year old’s fascination with climbing on to buildings or humping bathroom stall poles:

Romeo & Juliet (my son being Juliet)

Pole humping....yeah, don't ask!

However, on occasion they are bound to get caught and often times the consequences can be rather  serious.

It was exactly 9:15 I was chilling in the back patio with my brother and my best friend having one of our endless and engaging conversations….this one being about sex, when I decided to text my 15 yr old: “what time are u gonna b ready?”

I had dropped him off at the mall about two hours earlier to partake in his weekend hangout ritual that most young teens partake in because at their age there’s nothing else to do.

No more then 30 seconds after I had sent the text a phone call came through. I looked at the screen. It was a 305 local number, but I didn’t recognize it. I have a rule never to answer unknown numbers, but since my son can’t make phone calls anymore (because he has dropped it so many times and thinks it’s ok to take a shower with it), he’s forced to have to call me from friends’ phones, some of which I do not have registered into my own phone.

Instinct told me to answer the call, “Hello.”  A mans voice came through on the other line and asked for me by name. I said she wasn’t available and asked if he wanted to leave a message. He started to inform me that he was a security officer at the mall (where my son was at) and suddenly my heart beat a little harder and I was forced to sit up straight in my chair. One of my biggest fears is that I will receive a phone call from authorities informing me that my son was caught shoplifting. Now, it’s not that I have any reason to believe my son would shoplift for he has no need to and aside from the Koolaid packet he stole from a grocery store when he was four years old of which we learned about when he arrived at the dinner table with his mouth covered in red dye and his younger brother sold him out by telling us what he had done, he has never given me the reason to believe that he would steal from a store.  However, the doubt rests there in the back of my mind, simply because I realize it is a possibility and that sometimes the temptation in thinking that you can get away with something can be an exhilarating thought. Am I speaking from experience? Of course!!  At 14 I was caught shoplifting at a Bradleys Store (spin off of a TJ Maxx).  To this day, I still don’t know which was worse: the fact that I got caught while shopping with my godmother and it was probably one of the most disappointing and humiliating moments of her life, or the fact that I got caught stealing a damn hair scrunchie worth $3!

On the other line the man continued to inform me that my son needed to be picked up at the mall by his parents.  At that point I dropped my guise and told the security guy that I was his mother.  He continued to explain to me that they had my son and his friend in custody because they had decided to get partially undressed (ok, it wasn’t skinny dipping but at least the title got your attention) and take a dip in the water fountain in front of Macy’s.  I asked the guy to repeat himself because I wasn’t sure that what I thought I heard him say was not something my mind had invented so as not to hear that he had actually been caught shoplifting.  He repeated himself with the same story letting me know that I needed to pick him up and that he would be barred from the mall for the next six months.  I let out a sigh of relief that it wasn’t shoplifting and told him I was on my way.  I quickly told my brother and my best friend who said, “Isn’t he a bit old for that kind of stuff?” and I took off to the mall.

On my way there I got a text from my son: “Fail.”  I wasn’t too sure how he expected me to answer that, so I left it alone and didn’t reply.

This is the fountain he went swimming in a la Roman style.

As I walked up to where he and his best friend stood with the security officer I thought I saw a smirk spreading ever so sightly on his lips, but I dismissed the thought quickly, “there’s no way he would think this was funny.”  I shook hands with the officer barely acknowledging the boys and signed the form that he had waiting for me agreeing that he was not to step foot in the mall for 6 months and if he did he could be arrested.  The idea of how they would know that he was barred crossed my mind.  Do the security guys carry around a little deck of cards with banned teenage terrorists??  I signed the paper and thanked the security guy and turned to my son, “Let’s go.”

As we walked to the car I turned to him and asked him, “What were you thinking?”

“I was hot and the water felt so nice!  So I figured I’d just take a quick dip!”

“Are you serious?? You were hot?? What is wrong with you?”

On the way home he gave me the details:

The mall was beginning to close up, store owners were lowering their gates, the last of the people were beginning to trickle out of the stores. My son and his best friend sat on the edge of the fountain. “Man, this water’s nice bro,” my son said to his friend after touching it with his hand.  “Bro, we should get in!  We haven’t done anything crazy and stupid in a while!”  His best friend wasn’t too convinced with the idea so my son started taking off his shoes and socks and continued peer pressuring him (even though he’s the younger one and the pressuring should be the other way around).  He started scoping out the area looking for security officers and everything seemed clear until a mother walked up to the fountain with her baby to splash at the water.  She looked at them knowing fully well what they were about to do. “Oh, don’t do that while I’m here,” she pleaded.  “I don’t care what you do, but wait until I leave.”  It was as though she had given them permission and the added motivation to go through with their mission.

After she walked away and my son felt the area was safe he swooped off his shirt and jumped in, while his best friend, who sat at the edge of the fountain, fell in backwards scuba diver style.  They quickly enjoyed the refreshing water and jumped back out and walked over to the rest of the group shaking off their hair as though to show off their mission accomplished status.  That’s when my son saw the security officer walking down the hall towards them.  They grabbed their shoes and bags and started walking subtly in the opposite direction.  “Don’t look back bro, I think there’s a security guy following us,”  my son’s best friend said to him. “Yeah, I know man.  As soon as we get to the end of the hallway and around the corner we’ll take off and run through the parking lot.”

“Hey, you kids, stop.”  The security officer called after them.  “Keep walking bro.” But the walk was  a little further than they anticipated and the security officer was quickly closing in on them and before they could get to the corner he had caught up to them and told them to stop.  It was over at that point; they were busted.  Later on the young security guy would tell them that they should have just run…he wouldn’t have chased them.

As he told me the story with excitement and a smile on his face, it took everything in me not to laugh, but I kept up my mommy front, “We’ll discuss this tomorrow when I’m not so upset with you.” And I would.  I went through a lecture that compared the mall to being someones house and how you don’t just go into someone’s house and disrespect them by going through the cabinets, or into their room and messing it up, etc, etc.  More importantly to me though was a thorough conversation on trust.  Trust and communication go hand in hand in my relationship with my children alongside respect.  Anything that my kids do that break that trust will cause a deterioration in our relationship and it’s not in their best interest for me not to be able to trust them.

When he was done with the story and saw that I wasn’t showing any sign of amusement he proclaimed, “C’mon mom, you gotta admit, it’s funny!”

“No, it’s not,” I responded looking straight ahead at the road and keeping my face as serious as possible.  Finally, I said to him, “Did you guys get it on video at least?”

Peace Out!!

-Natasha Olivera

P.S.: In addition to being banned from this particular mall for six months, I have grounded him from hanging out at any mall until further notice.  Funny thing is, he didn’t think it would bother him because “it was getting old”, but since then he has missed two birthday celebrations, and the opportunity to hang out or go to the movies with his girlfriend.  So, in the end, harmless & idiotic behavior has come with a high price.

When I started writing this blog a year ago, I decided that I would not “sell myself out” to corporate sponsorship or advertising, i.e, product reviews, as most other mom & dad bloggers do in order to monetize on their blogs.  Not that I have anything against those who do, I mean every one has to make money somehow right? But I made a choice not to do this.

As a writer and as a story teller, my goal with this blog was to share my parenting stories with as large of an audience as possible, and to always be honest with my readers by not sugar coating my parenting reality.  This is why I like to refer to my blog as a “blogory”, in an attempt to distinguish between what I write (short stories/personal essays) and what other mom/dad bloggers write as “consultants” or “specialists” reviewing commercial products.

It’s not to say that someday I will not make an attempt to monetize on my stories by putting together a book, however, the concept of advertising for other businesses and products on my blog, doesn’t suit me.

BUUUUUUTTTTT, I never said never!! The truth is, one of the most important lessons I have learned as a young mother having to make adult decisions as a teen for the sake of my family and as a prior military wife, is that you have got to be able to flex, bend and occasionally take a detour in life.  And right now, I have a really good reason to bend a little on my decision.

Yesterday I received an email, which I almost moved into the garbage as spam mail, but something in the email snippet caught my attention:

Hi Natasha,

I loved reading your post about your son’s interest in music–I grew up with a brother and dad that both had bands and I understand the commitment issues, people dropping out, etc. It sounds like your son’s handling it well–he must have learned to keep cool under pressure from his mother.

I absolutely love receiving emails from readers, especially ones that complement me!! So obviously it got my attention and I decided to click it open and continue reading:

Well, the reason I wanted to connect with you was to give you some exciting news. I’m happy to send a special congrats on behalf of Bold Earth Teen Adventures–http://www.boldearth.com/, the world’s leading teen tour operator. We’re so excited to let you know that we’ve named your blog on our list of “Top 75 Blog Parents of Teens Should Read!”

Ooooooooo, how exciting!!! Holla!!! Ok, ok, ok top 75 may not sound that distinguishable as opposed to Top 10 or Top 25….but whatever man, my blog is on a list of Top Something and it’s not the Top Worst Mom Blogs!!! LMAO!

The teen adventure experts at Bold Earth searched the web for the past several months to find the best bloggers with a distinct point of view as a parent of teens or pre-teens. We looked for relatable, inspiring lifestyle reads just from one parent to another. Your teen-focused posts, tips and stories about your family give us a glimpse into what it’s like to raise teens–the good, the bad and the ugly! With you especially being a young mother, your point of view has inspired us and it couldn’t go unnoticed.

Aside from personalizing this email, using keywords like “relatable” and “inspiring” are hook and bait here.  And we all know that I give you the good, the bad and the ugly!! I jumped off the couch and ran into my son’s room to share the email with him.  “Cool, but I thought it was gonna be about me and my music or something.”  He said, looking at me notably disappointed.  “Thanks buddy!!” I said to him and patted him hard on the shoulder, “Hey, sometimes it’s not all about you!”  I laughed and continued reading the email out loud,

As a special thanks for being such a great blog and fun resource, we’d love you to invite you to participate in Bold Earth’s community service projects for teens, too. Just our top 75 bloggers and their readers will get to vote on which service project that BEA’s teens work with will receive Bold Earth’s 2011 charity donation. $500 may not seem like a lot to us, but to these amazing charity projects, it’s huge!

Mmmmmm, ok here we go, there’s always a catch right!!?? But I was still intrigued because of the fact that they were campaigning for community service projects for teens and I’m a huge proponent of community service and learning projects.  I clicked on the link and was excited to learn that they had projects all over the world with trips throughout the USA, Europe, Africa, Asia and Latin America. They range from surfing in Hawaii to climbing in Colorado to volunteering in Costa Rica to eating crepes in Paris to perfecting your Spanish in Spain! (no experience required). Every trip is small and tight-knit with 12-16 students in each group and 2-3 leaders.

Bold Earth works with a ton of service projects, but we’ve chosen to celebrate these 3 for your readers to vote on:
-The Colorado Fourteeners Initiative
-Ecuador Niños De La Calle (children of the street)
-The Amazon Conservation Project

“So are they offering to send me somewhere??”  My son asked, and honestly the thought crossed my mind too. How cool would that be?? I read on,

To make it even more fun–one of our bloggers who participates will win a free teen adventure trip for their son or daughter (or other family member) for summer 2011 or summer 2012! (At a max.value of $5,000, based on availability). They’ll also get the donation for the winning charity placed in their name! I’m hoping one of your kiddos would love this opportunity! And with 75 bloggers, (who may or may not all participate) the odds are nice. You can also award one of your readers with the trip instead if you’d like to give it away.

Sorry readers!!! I’m definitely not giving this away to you!!! LOL!!

Needless to say people, this is an all around win-win situation here.  My blog, my stories, and my name as a writer are getting recognition by an awesome community service program that is helping communities throughout the world and stateside  which in turn is impacting the lives of the members of those communities as well as the lives of the teens that are participating in these projects, AND my son could have an opportunity to take part in of these projects!!!  So, as my devoted and loyal reader, I’m asking you to participate here.  All you have to do is vote on one of the three service projects by clicking on this link: http://www.boldearth.com/Charity_Blog_Voting.php and be sure to put StumblesThroughParenthood.com as the referring blog.  Remember: Your votes can help get my son the opportunity to go on one of these trips!!

BTW, they have different types of trips for teens like: Youth Camps, Summer Programs for High School, and Student Travel.

Peace Out!!

-Natasha Olivera

As I pulled out of the driveway my 15 year old got on the phone with one of his friends.  I wasn’t paying attention to his conversation, but rather searching for a radio station as I pulled onto the main street.

“Mom can you pick up D at the ice arena?”

“Well aren’t you the clever one!!”  I yelled out at him while attempting to keep my eyes on the road, “You wait until you have me on the spot to ask me don’t you??!!  What did I tell you yesterday?  I tooooold you to make sure he had a ride cuz I wasn’t going to go pick him UP! But noooo, now you have to put me on the spot, and I have no other choice but to pick him up, don’t I??!!”

Mind you I was yelling and there was a string of profanities injected between every other word while his friend was on the other end of the line listening and his best friend was sitting in the back seat. I was on my way to drop them off at band practice and once again my son was asking me to pick someone up, in this case the bassist who “was on the way there”, except he really didn’t live on the way there and that was aside from the fact that I had already told my son I was not going to pick up anyone (as I usually get stuck doing).

Before I continue any further, let me just put it out there right now so you can begin to understand where my frustration comes from: I cannot stand parents who are not supportive of their children and their passions, hobbies, and/or interests (and no I’m not talking about recreational drug use or any other illegal activity).

Allow me to set up the premise:

My 15 year old is a self-taught musician.  He plays guitar, bass and drums.  He has had his own band since he was 11 years old.  (Check out Empty Presence on Youtube)  A year later the band broke up due to musical differences.  Inevitably, the boys were growing up and their interests in rock were evolving into different genres.  This didn’t stop my son though.  He would continue to form bands and over the last few years has played at various venues ranging from school concerts, house parties, skate parks, battle of the bands and even charity events.  He has had the opportunity to perform on stage and share his love for music with audiences, has harnessed his skill and technique as a musician, and begun producing his own music composing and writing lyrics.  More importantly though (to me), over the course of these years he has learned invaluable lessons in leadership, team work, management, negotiation and discipline among many other skills that will transcend into his everyday life no matter what he pursues.

My Rockstar Photo Taken by Santiago Cantillo

Obviously, my son is very passionate about music and performing.  At 10, I could never have imagined he would actually stick with it all these years.  He wanted to play the electric guitar but instead I bought him an acoustic and told him when he learned how to play it, then I would get him an electric guitar. It sat there for almost year, nearly untouched, until his birthday was coming around and he convinced his dad to buy him the electric guitar (my son is very good at using rhetorical strategies to persuade people).  That summer he taught himself how to play and began dreaming of becoming a rock star.  Today, he he wants to be an engineer of some sorts, designing and constructing buildings, he wants to be an artisan, and live in Canada.  However, the one thing that has remained a constant is that music is in him, a part of his being and will always be, and some how, some way he will always perform music and share that with an audience of people.

On that note, he would definitely and obviously prefer to work with other musicians who are on par with his passion and discipline.  However, more often than not, it is actually not the musicians who cause problems within the functionality of his band, but rather it is none other than……. THEIR PARENTS!!!

Yup!  You read that right!  Their parents! Parents who refuse to be supportive or who do not take their child’s passion for music seriously.  (I am very tempted at this point to make the generalized statement that if their child were playing a sport, then it would be a different story, but I’ll refrain from doing so.)

Granted, being a musician can be a very expensive hobby.  Instruments can cost you anywhere from $150 – $3000 depending on what instrument they play and the quality/brand of the instrument, and then, as in the case of my son who plays with a band, there’s speakers, amps, mixing boards, etc. for performance.  And then if they want to record some of their songs professionally, you’re looking at about $150 a song (and that’s cheap).

My son’s father and I have done everything possible to acquire as much equipment as we can at minimal costs (mostly used) in support of our son’s passion.  He has the guitars, the drum set, and the performance equipment.  As such, all band practices have always been held at my house, well, that was until recently when my jackass of a neighbor decided he would call the cops at 2pm on a Sunday afternoon to complain of the noise disturbance……oh and I should probably mention my other neighbor who hosed my son down over the fence with water while he was playing the drums!  It seems to me that people prefer that teens be out committing crimes, doing drugs and getting into trouble rather than engaging in healthy, productive hobbies!  In any case, we’ve assisted him in acquiring gigs, taught him skills in leadership and management, fed the band members and driven to them to their gigs, among many other things!  Sometimes we bitch (like next week I have to drive him to a gig two hours away!) but for the most part we support him and his passion and we do everything possible to allow him the opportunity to continue pursuing his passion no matter where it leads him later on in the future.

Unfortunately, the majority of the other band members’ parents do not see things the way we do and as a result have on several occasions compromised myself and the band.  For instance: it’s the night before the audition for a battle of the bands.  The bassist who is 14 gets into an argument with his mother, so his mom decides that she’s going to ground him and he will not be allowed to attend the audition and perhaps not even perform at the Battle of the Bands if they are selected.  She decides she will determine that on a later date.

Photo Taken by Santiago Cantillo

WTF is that!!?? ARE.  YOU.  SERIOUS??  Where in anyone’s mind are they capable of constructing a punishment that consists of punishing others who had nothing to do with the crime except being guilty by association????  Perhaps she could give a crap about a silly little battle of the bands, but my son and the rest of the band members who have been practicing for a month and paid an entrance fee to be in this contest definitely give a shit!!!

Fortunately, my son, who is adaptive, works well under pressure, and never panics, swallowed his disappointment and frustration, picked up his phone and called on one of his friends, who is alsoa bassist and had played with him before, and asked him if he could stand in at the audition.  Being a good friend, this guy agreed to do it and practiced the song all day in order to give a good performance for the audition.

On countless occasions I have had to pick up and/or drop off band members on the other side of town because their parents will not or “can not” give them a ride to practice or a gig.  On most occasions the only parents who show up at the performances include us and one other band members single mom.  But worst of all, I think, is how the parents’ attitudes translate onto their children’s attitudes.  When parents don’t care, their kids don’t care.  If you take your kid to school or practice late every single time, guess what?  When they go off to college, they’re going to be late to class, and when they get a job, they’re going to be late to work.  If you teach your kids that it’s ok not to commit to your interests/hobbies/work and produce at your best ability, then guess what?  THEY WON’T.  And if you teach them that it’s ok to quit, just because you feel like quitting, well guess what??  THEY’RE GOING TO QUIT!

So while I have had to deal with the effects of parents who just don’t care, my son has had to deal with musician’s who think it’s ok not to perform because they’re in a bad mood, or their girlfriend broke up with them, or they’re just interested in playing gigs and don’t want to commit completely, among many other issues leading me to conclude that at the end of the day, I think my son has it worse.  However,  his canny ability to handle these kinds of precarious situations and in the end still make things happen without a seemingly ounce of despair or concern, is one of his most admirable qualities and make me proud to be his mom.

Peace Out!

-Natasha Olivera

P.S. You can find my son’s band on Facebook at “As Floods Rage” and become a fan!  They’re next performance is at Rocketown in Pompano Beach on August 9th.