Its Me, the very Me! ഇത് ഞാന്‍, പച്ചയായ ഞാന്‍....

On this day, God wants you to know

2012-01-17T23:31:00.003+05:30

On this day, God wants you to know

... that today is a good day to reconnect with an old friend. Real friends are a rare treasure. Don't let daily buzz obscure what is really important, - your relationships with people you care about.

and I just did.. n it feels really really good... :) thanks Tito.. all those scoldings did make me feel better :)

Confusions of life...

2011-12-09T14:07:00.001+05:30

Here I am once again... totally in a confused state of mind as to what priority I should give to different things in my life at this point of time. My health, my job or my family.

I am standing at that junction of life, where I see 3 paths. One leads to my career, lookout for a new job etc, second one leads to my health, as i have to urgently reduce some 10-12Kg of my body weight, as I am over weight now ( I like to blame it on my hypothyroidism and diabetes, but I know it not just that). Controlling diet and doing exercises are just what it takes, but.. you know... And the third one leads to my family, adding a member to our family. My daughter is 3 yrs old now, n I myself am 29, so i feel its not a good thing to postpone it - thinking about this also needs the path 2, cos I cant go ahead without reducing my weight...

Sigh! Doesn't seem to be a big task here, or confusing this right? But, it is, for me. I have been working from home for the past 4 yrs, which made me out of touch with many technologies in the field I work (but i do know many technologies, which others hardly know about). But I am not confident in giving interviews :| which makes me sound like a tensed school going kid, who is scared about exams. But believe me, this is not a good feeling. Having 8.5 yrs experience in what I do, and still not confident enough for an interview.

I've been praying a lot these days, cos I am not able to understand what i should do first... will continue doing that till i get answers...

God, hear me and answer me please...

Recent times...

2011-11-29T09:15:00.001+05:30

So, like I wrote earlier, I was more into Twitter for the last year or so. Met a lot of people there, both men & women. Some turned out to be too good, while some, made me angry n desperate. But I am glad that I was able to meet them. Made me realize who I really am, and what people think about me, and what I want for myself...

I realized that - I am happy, I will be happy, cos I deserve to be happy - cos I am the best, and I will be the best... come what may... I kept on telling myself this, and I realized that i was becoming more and more happy...

Talking about the people I met in Twitter, I met some people, who had created a group in Twitter names AMIT - Association of Malayalam Idivettu Tweeters - they wrote hilarious Malayalam tweets. Their tweets never failed to make me laugh. Got a few good/close friends too from AMIT, though one of them created lot of unwanted scenes later on, leading to many people going against him - that's another story.

I found an extended family there in twitter - lil brothers and sisters and friends... most of those I met there were younger to me. I got a nickname 'Amoontamma' meaning Ammu's mother - Ammu being my daughter.

It was fun altogether, but later I realized that it was taking up too much of my time - my work was getting affected - i was kind of addicted. Anyways, I have taken a break as of now. I am still in touch with those friends through chat or calls... that's life.. when you realize that you are left alone, God gives you many more to give you company! :)

I'm back, really

2011-11-10T10:18:00.001+05:30

So, here I am. Back into the blogging world. Yes, this time, its really for real! :) Trust me!

I got too busy tweeting, ( Twitter is a micro blogging site too), so i thought its easier to micro blog my thoughts than actually blogging those. Actually, i got lazy to blog, when i can easily micro blog!

And Yesterday, I quit Twitter. And I feel really happy that I did. Cos it was eating up a lot of my time n energy. It was draining me out emotionally too, cos i was getting attached to people I met there. But now, My mins feels free. I do have good friends from there, with whom i can keep in touch through calls & chat or emails.

So, I hope I'll be here more often. I want to write a lot, write about lots of things, lots of positive things cos I am tired of being negative n being sad all these years.. God has blessed me a lot, n its high time i accept it and let people know, n try to make a difference in their lives too!

All the best to myself! and to those who read these!

Expectations...

2011-10-21T16:17:00.002+05:30

Hope...

2011-10-21T15:47:00.003+05:30

Miscellaneous...

2011-10-21T15:42:00.000+05:30

I am back

2011-09-14T10:06:00.002+05:30

Its been about 6 months since i blogged anything... its not that i didn't have anything to blog about... its just that i thought its better not to blog... just didn't feel like blogging... I took more time in twitter n kept expressing my thoughts there... but then, it became different.. i realized that i shouldn't put down anything and everything there... only positive thoughts should be transmitted in such an open medium...

Anyways, life has been good for me for the past 6 months... I am enjoying everything.. my family, my friends, even myself.. and I am thankful to God about that... more blogs to come.. will keep posting as n when i feel like...

A Dream...

2011-03-29T09:05:00.005+05:30

Re posting an old blog of mine, from the days when i used to blog regularly in Yahoo 360

I had a dream last night.... I dreamt a dream....

You must be thinking whats so special in that...
Well, the thing is that, I havent slept well for years to see a dream...
I dont remember when i slept like a baby before this....

But last 3-4 days I was able to sleep well.... know why? I had a guardian angel to take care of me... The angel sat near me whole night... to make sure that I dont wake up frightened cos of any bad dream... when i felt cold, the angel hugged me tight to keep me warm... the angel kept telling me not to be scared cos the angel was there near me... no one will touch me while I slept... no one will look at me or disturb me in my sleep...

Yesterday i tried to figure out the face of my guardian angel... i tried to figure out whether it was a female face or a male... I've always thought that angels are female... is that right? I dont know... cos when i looked yesterday, the face wasnt clear... but i could see a smile... and that smile reassured me that I am safe there... safe in the arms and wings of that angel....

I closed my eyes... I didnt know if it was a dream or reality....

I know one thing... i slept... and i had a dream... wide, long pathways... full of thick trees and full of grass.... butterflies.... a lake nearby.... flowers all the way... It was so beautiful...... i just wished for a second, if it was real... but i knew... its just a dream... when i looked around, i couldnt find anyone there... i thought i was all alone in that beautiful place.... i looked again... there.... there........ faaaaar away, under a tree, stood someone..... I coudnt figure out who it was.... i tried to walk to that figure... but as i kept walking, it seemed to move more and more away from me... I started running.... I got tired running, running... but i coudnt reach there...

My heart said... dont worry dear... you have enough time left.. just keep running.... keep focusing on that figure and run..... I started again... running through the grass, flowers, ran past the butterflies... through the side of the lake..... as i was nearing, i could fugure out someone standing there... facing the tree....

I was about to reach near that tree... and I slipped and fell down..... My leg got hurt.. but i didnt care the pain... i was too anxious to get to the tree.... I got up and looked to the tree longingly.... but..... That figure was gone.... i looked all around... he was gone.....Tears started coming in my eyes... I didnt know when it started flowing....
I ran around the tree, hoping that he might be there somewhere... but... all in vain....

I sat there... on the shade of that tree.... crying... tears flowing continuously.... Looking to the lake... and there.... there i saw him... sitting near the lake.... I wiped off my tears and started running again....... all the way to the lake.... But again.............................

I'm still running.... but i'm not able to catch him..... i just want to see his face... I want to know who he is... why is he making me keep on running around like a mad girl to reach him.... why is he giving me so much pain before I see his face.....

May be, its not time yet......

Life's just a dream.... I wish I could see this dream over and over again..... so that everynight, i could keep running.... and soon reach him... run into his arms... and stay there for ever.....

Just a dream...

That was a dream of mine, and 5 years later, as i stand here, i understand the dream very well now... I was running after something/someone... I found the man of my dreams... about 4 years back.... n i have a happy life now, all thanks to God...

But wait.... it was not after him that i was running all those years in my dreams... It was after my Lord my God.... yeah, thats right, i was running after Him... But my directions were not correct, or may be it was not time yet.... but now, I have found Him, my Lord.... And I'm happy that , even if it took time, atleast i found peace and happiness and solace in him! and yes, i do sleep peacefully now, i dont wake up being frightened of anything, it doest take me more than 5 minutes to sleep once i go to bed...

I am happy God, cos you gave me what is the best for me, and I will always be thankful to you for that....

Finally, truly freed....

2011-02-23T09:20:00.002+05:30

Here I am... finally.....

Finally, truly freed.... and it feels great!

Have been living a life I never wanted for the past 2 yrs or so... n today, I am a new person...

I was able to sleep peacefully, without disruption for the past 3-4 days... I am able to wake up early, n spend time in prayer & reading the Bible. I feel like, I have got my life back... and it feels good!

I went for counselling on Sunday... a spiritual counselling actually.. I was going in wrong directions in my life - i knew it.. and i needed guidance... i needed proofs from the Scripture about what i actually should be doing, and I got exactly that from the 5 hour long counselling session i had. Cried so much that i got a headache, n prayed a lot too.. But it was all worth the effort...

Now I know, this is the life i want... I am happy like i used to be... and I have to make sure I stay like this... I have to make sure I a living with my lord... I have to make sure that i dont repeat the mistakes i have already done...

I just want to be happy now... Live for my family, my dear ones... my husband n my daughter, n parents.... Oh, I cant really express how happy I am!

God, just be with me & guide me like how you always do.. don't let me lose my way ... just be with me....

എന്റെ മനസ്സ്....

2011-02-17T10:00:00.002+05:30

ആദ്യമായി മലയാളത്തില്‍ ഒരു ബ്ലോഗ്‌ എഴുതാം എന്ന് വിചാരിച്ചു... ഇതിനു മുന്നേ അങ്ങനെ ഒരു ചിന്ത വന്നിട്ടില്ല. എന്തായാലും കൊള്ളാം...പക്ഷെ, എനിക്ക് മലയാളത്തേക്കാള്‍, എന്നെ തന്നെ എക്സ്പ്രസ് ചെയ്യാന്‍ പറ്റുന്നത് ഇംഗ്ലീഷ് ഭാഷയില്‍ ആണെന്നാണ്‌ എനിക്ക് തോന്നുന്നത്..

എന്തായാലും ശരി... ഇങ്ങനെയും ഒരു പരീക്ഷണം ആവാം...

എന്താ ഇപ്പൊ എഴുതുക.. മനസ്സ് നിറയെ എന്തൊക്കെയോ ഒത്തിരി കാര്യങ്ങള്‍ ഉണ്ട്... പക്ഷെ, എന്ത് എഴുതണം, എന്ത് എഴുതണ്ട എന്ന് മനസ്സിലാവണില്ല..

ഈ ഇടെ പത്ര മാധ്യമങ്ങളില്‍ വന്ന കുറെ വാര്‍ത്തകള്‍ എന്നെ വല്ലാണ്ട് അസ്വസ്തം ആക്കി... സൌമ്യയുടെ മരണം.. പിന്നെ വേറെ പല പീഡന വാര്‍ത്തകള്‍.. പിഞ്ചു കുഞ്ഞുങ്ങളെ പോലും ആളുകള്‍ വെറുതെ വിടാത കാലം ആണിത്... ശരിക്കും കലികാലം തന്നെ... ആലോചിക്കുമ്പോള്‍ മനസ്സില്‍ വല്ലാത്ത വെറുപ്പ്‌ തോന്നുന്നു... ആരോടെന്നില്ലാതെ.... എന്തിനോടെന്നില്ലാതെ...

എനിക്കൊരു മകളുണ്ട്... അവളുടെ ഭാവിയെക്കുറിച്ച് ആലോചിക്കുമ്പോള്‍ ആശങ്കകള്‍ കൂടി വരുന്നു... എങ്ങനെ വിശ്വസിച്ചു പുറത്തു വിടും അവളെ... ഈ ചെറു പ്രായത്തില്‍ പോലും... കാരണം അങ്ങനെ ഉള്ള കാട്ടാളന്മാര്‍ ആണ് നമ്മുടെ സമൂഹത്തില്‍ ഉള്ളത്...

പിന്നെ, എല്ലാരും പറയുന്ന പോലെ.. ഇങ്ങനെ ഒക്കെ തന്നെ ഒര്തുകൊണ്ടിരുന്നാല്‍ ജീവിക്കാന്‍ പറ്റില്ല... എന്ന് കരുതി, ഇതെല്ലാം മറക്കാനും പറ്റില്ലാത്ത അവസ്ഥ...

നോക്കാം നമുക്ക്... ഈ ലോകം എങ്ങോട്ട പോകുന്നെ എന്ന് കണ്ടറിയണം... നമ്മളുടെ പെണ്മക്കളെ ദൈവം കാത്തുകൊള്ളും എന്നാ പ്രതീക്ഷയോടെ....

Realizations...

2011-02-14T16:10:00.003+05:30

Last night, I've realized lots of things in my life... Realized that i am an utter failure in life... realized that, I am a big failure, n no one actually cares/bothers about me... whether i live or die...

I realized that I have some addictions, which are making my life miserable... which i want to be free from, but not able to... And so, I have decided to go for counselling... I badly need it... cos i want to live... else I will end up like one of those women, who couldn't survive fighting depression.. I want to live a happy life... I want to be like a normal human being...

I realize again & again, that I have never been a good daughter, a good, wife, a good daughter in law or a good mother... I have never been good in anything at all.. but I want to be good.. I want to be happy... n i need guidance... not just from anyone, i want spiritual guidance... i used to be someone who had strong belief, read the Bible daily, n got strength to go forward in life.. but i lost everything somewhere during life's journey.. Now I want everything back... cos i fear, if i don't, i will stop existing...

God I need you... I need you very very badly... Just be with my my Lord!

Again & again...

2011-01-15T13:54:00.002+05:30

Again n again... its one of those days... as i sit alone here at my home, in front of my laptop... thinking about whats happening to me... Life was never so simple.. life was never so good... but then.. why do i miss so many things...

I miss the pampering from my parents , my friends & dear ones... I miss being asked about what i want.. those small small joys of life... i miss being complimented on a new dress or anything i do... i miss the real me... n i miss the old me.. n i miss not being grown up...

I miss those little joys of life... I miss myself... i miss my friends who used to give me strength to fight life.. i miss the ones who used to bring smile on my face...

I miss my God.. cos i'm not able to talk to him...

Again..

2011-01-11T13:39:00.002+05:30

Once again, its once of those days... when my mind isn't feeling what i want it to feel...

And the reasons, as usual, unknown...

Missing some of my dear ones... wishing if they were by my side now, i wouldn't be feeling the same way as i am now...

Have loads to pen down here... but mind is not allowing me to... as if its scared to pen down its thoughts... as if it will burst into nothingness if it releases whats inside...

I know just one thing... i want to live my life... happily... n i will do anything to achieve that happiness... cos all i have is my family n my daughter...

A drop of tear....

2011-01-10T11:28:00.001+05:30

Today, for no reasons, a drop of tear dropped down my eyes... n i kept thinking... why this drop of tear? And as usual, no answers...

Kashtam....

I miss....

2010-12-22T10:24:00.002+05:30

I miss being touched... I miss being hugged... I miss being the real me....

Dont know...

2010-12-15T10:40:00.002+05:30

Don't know what i am feeling right now... Can say I am happy... but, i don't always say the right things.. does that mean that I am lying? not necessarily...

Anyways, life is good now...

Going to Velankanni tomorrow, with Santhosh & Ammu. Travelling by train after a long time... Will be back on Sunday morning... Hope to have a peaceful journey...

God! you know me too well, so i needn't tell you anything... please be with me..

Njan....

2010-12-09T18:52:00.003+05:30

Pandu.... pandorikkal, palarudeyum kannile krishnamani aayirunnu njan....

Snehichu... snehichu veerppumuttikkumaayirunnu enne ellaavarum koodi...

Innu... aa palarudeyum kannile karadaanu njan....

Ente... ente saameepyam avare pedippikkunnu, aswasthamaakkunnu...

Ellaam.... njan kaaranam thanne... ithente vidhi...

Ithu.... ithu njan arhikkunna jeevitham... ithinumappuram aagrahikkunnathu thettu...

Ennittum... entha manassu ingane? entha manassu njan parayunnathu kelkkaathe?

Bhraanthu... braanthennallathe ithinetha peru parayuka?

Maarumo... maarumo ee bhraanthu ennengilum?

Atho... orikkalum maaraathe... maayaathe... ente avasaanam vare koode undaakumo?

Vayya... maduthu njan... ellaamkondum... ellaavidhathilum....

Ennittum... pattunnillaalo enikku... ente...

Marakkanam... palathum marakkanam...

Marikkanam... palathum marikkanam ente ullil...

Oduvil... njan... onnum illaatha njan mathram baakki aavanam...

Ellaam... kandum, kettum jeevikkaan....

Aarodum... aarodum paraathikal parayaathe... paribhavangal illaathe...

Jeevikkanam... jeevikkanam enikkorikkal koodi...

Enikku vendi mathram...

Njan... Njan mathram aayi theerunna oru nimishamengilum...

Kashtam.....

My Wishes n Prayers...

2010-10-07T09:10:00.003+05:30

Its my best friends birthday today... 'National Holiday' as he used to term it... N I hope n pray n wish him the very best.. May God give him all the happiness in the world... and keep him always happy n satisfied - knowing too well, that I am not a part of his life anymore...

Time passes, people change, n sometimes their emotions too... I wont blame you for being like this to me, cos i know, you want me to be happy... You know that even if your words hurt me, ultimately, its for my happy life... But i Just wanted to tell you one thing... Of all the things I have ever lost.. you, my friend, are the person i miss the most... hope you realise it some day... hope you understand what you were and are for me... I decided to stop bugging you after you told me to stay away from you... the day you told me that i have to go my ways, cos you have your own problems... I just hope that you are happy... and your junior turn out to be a person, just like you.... the person who gives you the world of joy n happiness... I know you are going to be a very good father to him... cos no one knows you like i do... He is going to grow up just like you... a very good friend to those who know him... a confidant to those who seek help n support... a person who is full of love n energy n excitement... years later, i would love to meet you all... and see for myself that i wasn't wrong..

I'm sure that he will never see this blog... but still, i want him to know that, you were, you are, n you will always be my best friend... whom i talk to when i'm happy or when i am sad... do you know? i still talk to you... do you hear it at times like how you used to? do you still hear my laughter n smiles when i am happy? do you still feel my pain? may be, may be not... life has to go on... you said you shouldn't be the person i should look up to when i am sad... but, i don't have anyone else.. so even when you are not here, i talk to you... you are my friend.. n you will always be.. cos no one can ever replace you...

So long.... my dear friend... may you live happily ever after... like those in the stories of prince n princess n their little junior.... n hope you receive my 'megha sandesham'

untitled

2010-10-05T16:12:00.002+05:30

am tired... n exhausted... both physically... n mentally...

wish i could simply lie down... on some green grass... resting my head on the lap of a dear one... with closed eyes... n think of nothing...

n go into a dream... a dream where, there is laughter n happiness all around... brightness n colors all around... no trace for any sorrow or darkness... a dream, which can change me as a whole.. a dream just like what the real me wants....

wish.... just wishing... knowing too well that, its just a wish...

Lonely...

2010-10-05T16:04:00.002+05:30

I feel so lonely right now... but i have to live with it... cos its what i chose for myself...

I know there are ones who love me a lot... but i better be lonely than being with them to make them more sad...

Now everything feels right... this is how things should be...

What i feel now...

2010-10-05T15:41:00.000+05:30

To be frank, i really don't know what i am feeling now... I have gone through times like this in my life earlier also, but this time, feel its little more different than all those times... People come n go in your lives n they leave you as a totally changed person.. a better or a worse person... in my case - i don't know - have i become a better person or a worse one...

As i sit here today, having said Good Bye to 2 of my dear ones - the ones i love more than my life - i don't feel anything... my heart n mind are just numb... i don't feel happy.. i don't feel sad... its just this numbness... n i'm scare of this numbness.. cos such numbness usually ends up me being uncontrollably depressed..but i have told myself this time, i cant n i don't want to be depressed. But what if those persons,who helped you out during such times, are the ones responsible for your condition this time? well... God help them!

I now only one thing - i don't want anyone to be worried cos of me, i don't want myself to be the reason of sadness or concern for the ones who love me.They already have a hundred other problems in their lives...so, why should i trouble them more... like how another friend of mine told me a few months back - 'i am not the one whom you should come to when you feel sad - you have your problems, i have mine. so leave me alone!' He was so right then.. i never thought about that aspect till that time... anyways, what are friends for after all, if they don't teach you things like these..

Anyways, life is changing for me... for good or for bad, i don't know.. just waiting to see how its going to turn out.. i just hope God gives me enough strength..

While the whole world sleeps..

2010-09-29T01:12:00.002+05:30

Its 1:12 am, n here I am, when the whole world sleeps.... Was putting down some lines in twitter.... then decided to blog about it... so here are some random babblings at midnight!

While the whole world sleeps... here i am... with my aching heart... wandering all around... to find a solace....

While the whole world sleeps... here i am... hoping n praying... for a better tomorrow...

While the whole world sleeps... here i am... wishing... just blindly wishing... if there was someone who hears my cry...

While the whole world sleeps... here i am... thinking about life n death... what gives more happiness... more sorrow....

While the whole world sleeps.... here i am... babbling the maddest random thought...hoping...no one reads them...

While the whole world sleeps... here i am... just hoping... with fingers crossed... that no one ever understands.....

While the whole world sleeps... here i am... wishing badly... if i could get some sleep....

Never knew that being sleepless makes you write stuff like these!?!

Am I alone?

2010-09-14T09:52:00.002+05:30

As I go on in my life, with ups n downs, i met lots of people. Some of them did not have any impact on me or my life, some influenced my life to a great extend, n some changed my life altogether. Many promised me that they will be with me always, come what may, promised to be be my support, my strength, promised to love me and care for me like how they did... Many times, i didnt even need to tell them that i am no ok, they just understood things on their own...life was too good...

But life goes on... times change n people too... afterall, i am not the only person in the lives of those people... they have their own lives, their own problems... So should i expect things to work like how they did earlier - NO. Even though they keep telling you that they will never leave you alone, or that they will always stand by you, i have to understand that they will be doing all these after they are done with their lives n problems. I just need to keep telling myself this untill my heart n mind fully accepts the fact - no matter whoever was there in ur life earlier, whoever loved u or cared for you, in the end, it'll be just YOU and only YOU in the end. And i have to realise that it was always ME n only ME. All others were just trying to give you that feel tht you are not alone. But thats not the truth.

My God has been too good to me, cos he stood by me always,no matter no one else was there. He always made sure that i was OK. He always made sure that i dont feel alone. He gave me this beautiful family 2 take care of me.Though i keep complaining at times, I know for sure... thats they are my God's gift to me n I have to cherish that n keep them happy always. I am trying my best. I just pray that God gives me strength to be strong again...

Free bird...

2010-09-13T11:16:00.003+05:30

Sometimes.... yes, its one of those times today...

Sometimes, i just hate a part of myself, a part of me that wants to be free from all ties, just wanting to soar up into the sky.. into the horizon...

Is it wrong to think so? I dont know, for a person like me, in a situation like this - i think i shouldnt think like that - and may be thats why i hate that part of me. Today, my daughter isnt in good mood, she's just keeping on crying for no reasons n nothing seems to help in stopping her crying. I lose my temper in such times, but i hardly show it on her... n this is one such time when i feel that i just want to let go anything n everything around me n just fly up into the sky... but then, i dont want to just fly away, i just want to take a break... n i want to fly up, n up, touch the clouds n then return... cos i cant stay away from my little girl... she's my darling... n my best reason to live!

She'll be back to her happy, chirpy self soon.. but the time till then, that something that always tests my temper...

Life is being good to me these days, I hope God keeps it like that for me, cos i just want to be happy...