Media Bitchfest

MBF Frozen In Carbonite

Bitchfest — Tue, 06 Feb 2007 06:54:05 +0000

It is with a heavy heart that I inform all 12 of the Media Bitchfest readership that this site will go into flash freeze as of the next post.

Will Bitchfest come back? Probably, but no time soon and likely never as regularly as it was before. All those interested, you will still be able to find me at iTricks.com and I can be heard on all five of our podcasts available on iTunes.

The final post will be Shaun Barnes’ World News Weekly that I couldn’t get up on Friday like I was supposed to. Hopefully, that column will live on elsewhere, cause it cracks me up.

It was fun gang, we all had some laughs. I made some magnets. We really annoyed some people. In the end, isn’t that what life is all about?

If you have ever been drinking with me past any decent hour, and since I know all of you personally it’s highly likely that you have, this song should be familiar because I like to play it when I want to feel like a meaningful drunk. Without further delay, Mr. Francis Albert Sinatra…

If You…

Justin — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 00:06:10 +0000

If you are a less than legal teenage girl who lists the Pussy Cat Dolls as your biggest roll models because they “r so brave and beautiful” and you work on your dance moves in front of the family webcam. You might be eligible to cash in on YouTube’s new costly, complicated maneuver to pay for content.

If you watch Veronica Mars and silently note the moments that will work for the beginning of the second chorus when you edits clips into a montage. You might be eligible to cash in on YouTube’s new costly, complicated maneuver to pay for content.

And yes, if you happened to sneak a half pack of Mentos in the butt of your unsuspecting college roommate and then made him chug a two liter of Diet Coke only to later follow him into that bathroom to record the squirting chaos. You might be eligible to cash in on YouTube’s new costly, complicated maneuver to pay for content.

• Upload Video, Download Cash on YouTube? [Business Week]

This Has Nothing To Do With The Media…

Justin — Mon, 29 Jan 2007 16:54:31 +0000

But it delights me to no end.Tired of throwing your money away on Snow Bunny whores?

World News Weekly 1.26.07- The Brown Eye Blinks?

Justin — Fri, 26 Jan 2007 17:46:20 +0000

In an uncertain world of turmoil and strife, whom can we turn to for a summery of happenings from this, our global village? The answer is Shaun Barnes, his World News Weekly column begins now…

Roosevelt and Churchill. Reagan and Thatcher. Clinton and Blair. For decades, U.S. Presidents and British Prime Ministers have gone together like tequila and GEDs, cementing a “special relationship” that has dominated the Atlantic community since the Second World War. But if an analysis in the International Herald Tribune is correct, change could be in the wind for Britain and its bastard child across the pond.

It argues that Gordon Brown, the U.K.’s Chancellor of the Exchequer (i.e. “Money Guy”) and Tony Blair’s most likely successor as PM, has a different idea about global security strategy. It seems an op-ed Brown published in the Guardian calls for an effort to fund education worldwide to take precedence on the Brit’s security agenda. This sort of soft, liberal security policy that focuses on bringing math and science to madrassas rather than demolishing them with GPS guided bombs could make it more difficult for the US and U.K. to cooperate and drive a wedge between the two powers.

While the argument in IHT seems a bit speculative and overdrawn to me, it does makes sense that whoever replaces Tony Blair as PM will have to respond to the domestic pressure that forced Blair to set a date for stepping down in the first place; pressure that largely stems from a perception of Blair slavishly following the dictates of American foreign policy, especially in Iraq. The special relationship may not come to end in 2007, but expect Britain to ask for a little more “me time” in the years to come.

News and Notes

• Sectarian violence explodes from Beirut Arab University’s cafeteria to the streets; still no word on who put pork poppers on the menu in the first place.

• Who the hell carries uranium-235 in zip lock bags?

• If we can build this, we can build a death ray. I’ve issued the challenge America. Don’t disappoint me.

Call Me Old Fashioned…

Justin — Thu, 25 Jan 2007 16:22:49 +0000

This from Time.com:

At a stormy, nationally televised speech at his official residence Wednesday night, Katsav professed his innocence and accused the police and media of working together to bring him down, using terms like “witch hunt” and “McCarthyism.” He angrily pounded the podium and his voice cracked during a rambling diatribe that lasted nearly an hour. “Don’t believe the libel, the defamation, the lies. There is only one truth … I am the target of one of the worst attacks in the history of the state of Israel,” he said, gesturing with a pointed finger, pounding on the podium and shouting at a reporter. He pledged to “fight to my last breath, even if it means a world war, to clear my name.” His wife, Gila, sat softly crying in the audience.

Katsav refused to answer questions from reporters in his first appearance before them since the scandal broke six months ago. Katsav “should not be waging the battle to prove his innocence from the president’s office,” Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni, who also serves as acting justice minister, said in a statement.

…but the best way to beat a rape charge may not be by screaming at the press like a lunatic while refusing to answer their questions. I just don’t think anyone is going to benefit from President Katsav tearing the fishnet stockings of deceit and bruskly popping the buttons of lacey blouse of libel, so he can brutally force the truth into the Israeli court of public opinion.

Meanwhile, his wife sits in the audience and (not unlike George Harrison’s guitar) gently weeps.

You know, call me old fashioned.

Worst Lede Of The Week: Susan Sarandon Is Still Alive?

Justin — Thu, 25 Jan 2007 04:05:15 +0000

Amongst the State of the Union reaction stories brays this goat…

Anti-War Actress Bored by Iraq Pitch
Anti-war actress Susan Sarandon says she was bored by President Bush’s Iraq pitch

By KASIE HUNT Associated Press Writer

(AP) Actress Susan Sarandon says she was bored by President Bush’s State of the Union address asking Americans to give his troop buildup in Iraq a chance.

Other stories that topped today’s papers included, “Bears agree to continue shitting in woods” and “Gay dudes still think vaginal sex is gross.” Is it seriously news whenever the enchanted bones and loose skin that magically form Susan Sarandon say something about the president? Besides, you don’t see George Bush calling a Rose Garden press conference to say that everything Saradon’s done since Bull Durham has stunk like a bum’s outhole, do you?

As almost collateral damage due to the assignment, Kasie Hunt, you’ve written the Worst Lede of the Week. Congratulations.

God Knows How I Missed This

Justin — Tue, 23 Jan 2007 00:45:56 +0000

MBF’s first nominee for Christopher Hitchens’ Line Of The Year:

During the war in Kosovo, I shared a flagon of slivovitz with an especially triumphalist Kosovar Albanian who exulted at what he was seeing. Decades of being pushed around and ground down by the Serbian supremacists and then, suddenly, “Guess what? We get to f— the Serbs and to do it with Clinton’s dick!” (That twice-repulsive image took up a horrible tenancy in the trashy attic of my mind, where it is still lodged.)

Also, know that his logic (which has not fundamentally changed) is becoming outwardly critical of the Bush Administration, you can set your countdowns for the left that spurned him after he was so brazenly “anti-terrorist” after 9/11 to embrace The Hitch once again. Just a guess.

WNW 1.19.07- Just Don’t Say ‘Ching Chong’

Justin — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 13:00:34 +0000

In an uncertain world of turmoil and strife, whom can we turn to for a summery of happenings from this, our global village? The answer is Shaun Barnes, his World News Weekly column begins now…

Last year, China produced over 50 million notebook PCs and churned out an average of 100,000 iPod Nanos per day. Not impressed? According to report in Aviation Week now it also has the power to blow the crap out of satellites in orbit. The news of the PRC’s successful test of a ground based anti-satellite (ASAT) weapons system was confirmed Thursday by U.S. intelligence officials and denounced by noticeably irked U.S. policymakers.

Space, “the ultimate high ground” according to the U.S. Air Force, is America’s turf, and we don’t take kindly to intruders. Administration officials are particularly worried that the Chicoms might pull one of their dirty tricks out of Mao’s little red book (Editors Note: Peeing in coke?) and use the system to force negotiations on a treaty (Editors Note: Never mind) to ban the weaponization of space, something that would put a damper on America’s own plans for orbital instruments of destruction. This is project is only the latest step of China’s ambitious space initiatives that include manned flights as well plans for Moon missions in the future. With Beijing pushing the envelope on space and pouring money into its military, the question inevitably arises: should America go George Kennan on their ass and contain the “China threat?”

Short answer? No.

China has plenty to worry about between rising inequality, rampant corruption, and air pollution that could choke a monkey. They’ve got plenty of house cleaning to do before they come knocking on America’s door.

NEWS AND NOTES

• Under 18? You may not be able to buy Grand Theft Auto anymore, but how about some top-notch F-14 avionics?

• Ugandan rebel leader fought her battles with spiritualism and magical potions…oh, and guns, lots of guns.

• March of freedom interrupted by a siesta on the futon of autocracy.

Worst Lede Of The Week: 1.17.06

Justin — Wed, 17 Jan 2007 17:11:36 +0000

This one is big. I am going to count the long winded intro explaining this life questioningly shitty lede as written by the author.

Cultural Learnings at California Baptist
Matt Calkins

10:00 PM PST on Friday, January 12, 2007
By MATT CALKINS
The Press-Enterprise

Kazakh celebrity Borat will be in Southern California on Monday as a result of his film — “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” — being nominated for Best Picture for a Musical or Comedy. Borat isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, nor is he the most tolerant or reverent. As a result, many Kazakhs were upset by the way he misrepresented their rather modern nation (even if the film was meant to be satirical).

California Baptist has a freshman men’s basketball player named Danil Zakhlebnyy, who hails from Kazakhstan. Considering Borat is Kazakhstan’s sixth-most famous journalist, I wondered what it would be like if he interviewed Zakhlebnyy. I’m pretty sure it would’ve gone something like this:

Jagshemash!

My name a Borat. In case you no know me, I make great success movie right here in U. S. and A.

When I say this only gets worse, I mean by the time you are done reading it, a silent compact is made between the reader and God stating not only should the author swallow an AIDS needle while eating a turkey sandwich, the real question is why has it not yet happened.

Congratulations Matt Calkins, you’ve hacked your way into the honor of writing the Worst Lede Of The Week and easily the early favorite for Worst Lede Of The Year. Now go jump into a tub full of your own tears and think about what you’ve done.

Thank you to the anonymous MBF reader who sent this in and may God have mercy on your soul.

RUN!!! The Media’s There!!

Justin — Tue, 16 Jan 2007 18:18:50 +0000

Oh no wait, the media is just writing this shitty article ABOUT a comedy routine…

MLK streets’ stigma all wrong, study says
MISCONCEPTION: Instead of being run-down, they tend to be good for homes and businesses.

10:00 PM PST on Sunday, January 14, 2007
By GREGOR McGAVIN
The Press-Enterprise

Stand-up comic Chris Rock once noted that, while the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. stood for peace and brotherhood, any street named after him was sure to be the most dangerous and run-down in town.

Rock was wrong.

According to a study by researchers at two Southeastern universities, the hundreds of streets that bear the slain civil-rights leader’s name are just as likely as any other roadway to be home to thriving businesses and quiet neighborhoods.

Shut up and die.

Thanks to an MBF informant for the tip.