This is a reprint from the ever fabulous Danielle LaPorte, because I’m fairly certain we all need a little reminding of these facts. I know that I do. Inspired? Looking for more? Check out the Fire Starter Sessions.

I’ve got the Goddess of Permission on speed dial and she was thrilled to oblige with this sweeping list of acts of self expression and liberation. We can draw on it whenever we need. Come back often. Build on it. The Permission Goddess sends kisses and high-fives.

you have permission to

: not finish reading books that you’re not really enjoying. Don’t force it, close it.
: walk out of movies that suck (and hey, if you leave in the first twenty minutes, you can get your money back.)
: let it go to voicemail (especially during dinner, or snuggling, or watching So You Think You Can Dance?)
: give birthday gifts anytime of the year (which means you can be late or early and you can give yourself time to find just the right gift.)
: talk shit about WalMart (even if they do have the economic power of a small country.)
: cut the obligations cords that are driven by guilt.***
: pursue your own agenda.
: own next to nothing, live on a mattress, read and write and make love all day with no other responsibilities***
: return crappy products to their crappy manufacturers (because you can vote with your dollars.)
: leave your current business model so you can go do something bigger than you***
: tell your kids when you think that something an authority figure told them is bullshit (you need to be in solidarity with your child, not the so-called grown ups.)
: quit your job, even if you just started two weeks ago, or just got a raise, or are seemingly indispensable.
: get yourself off even, if you have a partner.
: have some secrets.
: cut out the elements of your business that you don’t totally LOVE. The parts that 90% of the time make you say, “WHY am I doing this? I don’t WANT to do this.” ***
: give away/recycle/get rid of stuff, stuff, stuff sentimental stuff that special people gave you (your home is for you, not them); stuff that doesn’t make you feel good even, if you spent a lot of money on it; stuff that has intense memories attached to it; stuff!
: say no to “free” stuff, like swag bags at fancy events and novelty erasers and pom-pom pens from the bank. (Because the only thing in life that’s free is love.)

you have permission to

: fail, and fail again.
: to succeed, wildly, more than your neighbours, more than your folks, more than you thought was possible.
: be rich and “spiritual”
: be broke AND generous
: leave work early, get some ice cream, and sit in the hot tub at the gym***
: charge what you’re worth***
: focus more on creating your soul job and less on finding a ho’ job.***
: sleep! sleep in, nap, sleep.
: earn a living knitting for charity.***
: relax. To let go of the growing to-do list in your head. To release the need to get it “just right.”***
: to dance.
: go bra-less or underwear free.
: give it all to charity.
: check your email whenever the hell you want.
: start now, without the degree, without the funding, without knowing exactly where you’re going.
: sell your house to afford a big trip to India (a friend of mine did just that, no regrets.)
: walk away.
: fall in love.
: eat dessert first.

you have permission to
: not ever feel the need for permission.***

PS…The Goddess of Compassion, Quan Yin, also emailed me. She and The G’ of Permish are a rad’ team when they ride together. Quan Yin just wanted me to make sure she gets repp’ed in the mix: quit responsibly, say Fuck off with compassion in your heart, liberate with love, and cut clean when you need to use your sword. And when you can, do what you say you’re going to do, or announce when you can’t with deftness and care.

And then Ms. Permissive emailed me to say she gives you permission to whatever, however, because ultimately, it’s all progress. I asked the Deities to take their debate off-line. Your liberation isn’t their business anyway.

*** = permission requests. click on the asterisks to see who has been granted extra-special permission.

Related posts:

1. Rogue or Broke: An Interview with Fire Starter Danielle LaPorte
2. danielle laporte: hot advice for anyone with a website, blog, business, career or j-o-b. yep, I’m talkin’ to you
3. What to Do When You’re Lonely

Happy Sunday Marzipanlings!

How are you? [This is not rhetorical - I really would like to know..] Every thing has been all over the map the past couple of weeks, and I’m feeling really disconnected from you guys. Let’s fix that shall we?

This week mostly I’ve been focusing on trying to stay in the moment and not to spiral into an anxiety and low self esteem tunnel, wherein I am typically prone to massive bouts of paranoia and self deprecation. Long story short, I am trying to avoid all of that madness, but it’s not easy when everything is all up in the air. Have I mentioned that I am really bad with change? I am, it’s true.

Anywho, this has been my affirmation this week:

I am capable of taking care of myself. I can do more than merely just survive. I have enough money to pay for all of the things that I need.

And I’ve been repeating it all. the. time.

But that is neither here nor there, because it has been a fantastic week for the internet! Check out all of these fantastic reads:

• Hyperbole and a Half, This is Why I’ll Never Be an Adult
• runaway sentence, rain on the roof
• Voice in Recovery, Sober in New Orleans
• Might and Main, How to Stay Motivated, No Matter What
• Big Girl Bombshell, Anatomy of a Binge
• Eating Journey, 7 Self-Love Techniques
• Healthy Girl, What to Do When Someone You’re Dating Makes You Feel Fat
• Weightless, The Cure for Bad Body Image Days
• Yes and Yes, Living Your Life on Purpose
• Chicken Soup for the Dorky Soul, On Being Estranged
• the 818, Where Social Media Meets Social Anxiety
• Gala Darling, Do You Want to Be A Mermaid or a Whale?
• Steff Says, EEEK! The D Word!
• Did I Just Eat That Out Loud?, Sorry I’m Not Sorry

What phenomenal reads have you discovered around the blogosphere this week? I need some new blood in my google reader – and would love some suggestions. Take a moment to promote your secret blog crush, online BFF, or the stranger that you never talk to on twitter but sometimes find yourself on their blog because of their catchy titles and slick self promotion.

xox

Related posts:

1. body loving blogosphere 05.09.10
2. Body Loving Blogosphere 07.18.10
3. body loving blogosphere 08.09.09

Related posts:

1. GIVEAWAY: Kostick Glass Jewelry Earrings
2. Rogue or Broke: An Interview with Fire Starter Danielle LaPorte
3. living in the positive body image spotlight

Two years ago I was reckless.

I was busying myself with running around and making out with everyone that I set my eyes on. I was moving too quickly, forgetting to eat, and abusing my body with lack of sleep and constant motion. I went dancing every night. I got myself to a place where I didn’t care whether or not someone liked me back because I was too busy moving on to the next person I could find to waste some time with.

But, in the quiet moments, when I was home alone with the dust settling around me, I was busy writing lists of what my ideal mate looked like. I wrote excessively long lists, with detailed descriptions, and elaborate requirements for what my ideal relationship looked like.

I wrote without censoring, allowing myself to imagine what a relationship could look like, even if I had never experienced it before.

I wrote all of these dreams down and I tucked them away, rereading them before I fell asleep at night, allowing them to worm their way into my heart and subconscious.

Then one day, when I least expected it, I was provided with the answers to my elaborate list making. I found myself in the midst of a relationship that had characteristics unlike any that I’d ever experienced – a relationship that defied my every understanding of what relationships looked like. I found myself madly in love with someone who loved me back, for exactly who I am. I found a relationship devoid of everyday drama, passionate yelling and screaming. I found a relationships where the commitment was so inherent, the labels that were attached to it mattered little in comparison to the love that I felt mirrored back to me.

And, for the first time in my life, I let down all of my defenses.

I let someone in.

And I am so very grateful.

Happy two year anniversary C. I am so overwhelmingly grateful to have found you, you have made my life so much better, every single day. Thank you for finding me, and making me yours.

Thank you for asking me to marry you.

Thank you for allowing me to say yes again, every day, both with my words and my actions.

xoxox.

Related posts:

1. swine flu left holes in my relationship
2. ask marzipan: life after a long-term relationship
3. Ask Marzipan (or Swine Flu Left Holes in My Relationship, Part II)

This has been one WILD month. Suddenly, it seems as though everything in my live has skipped into overdrive and I’m overrun with ideas and apparently unconcerned with how I will be funding these ideas.  Also, if you’ve never been on Cape Cod in the summer, in August we basically become the epicenter of the East Coast, and most days, when I don’t have to be at work, I hide out in my apartment and dream about fall.

Last August, things were just starting to get kicked up a notch around here. It was the month that I moved myself from wordpress.com to a self hosted wordpress.org site [major personal accomplishment], and when I finally “came out” as a blogger to my family and friends via facebook. Both of these moments changed MM forever, and I am so excited that I had the courage to persevere through the anxiety that surrounded both of them. That said, there were some majorly kickass posts up last August, please allow yourself to scroll back in time and check them out:

• why I blog
• attn: marzipan, have become complete nutcase
• marzipan LOVES: The Parkington Sisters
• confessions of a compulsive eater, II
• on being “gay”, looking straight, and a new generation of queer
• feeling powerful: pulling yourself from the dark place
• marzipan LOVES: green smoothies

Things I am incredibly, unbelievably grateful for this month:

1. the kindness of strangers
2. winning a tempur-pedic bed at blogher – stay tuned, because I won one to giveaway on MM!!
3. steadily building the courage to release a major piece of writing to you guys
4. notebooks with blank pages
5. bonuses
6. finally vacuuming the sand out of my car
7. Madeline L’Engle’s Wind at the Door audio book
8. COFFEE – how would I ever do it all without coffee?

Related posts:

1. Marzipan LOVES: July
2. Marzipan LOVES: May
3. marzipan LOVES: green smoothies

I linked it yesterday, but I felt that this topic deserved a little bit more discussion – did you all read MoPie’s post Nail Salon Charges $5 Fat Tax on Big Fat Deal? You should probably start there, but the distilled version is this:

Michele Fontville was charged an additional $5 for her manicure at Natural Nails Salon in DeKalb County, GA, because of the alleged extra damage that a fat person inflicts upon the manicure chairs. She questioned owner Kim Tran about the extra charge. Tran explained that it is very expensive to repair broken furniture, with the underlying emphasis on on how fat people cause more damage to the furniture that thin people. She refunded Fontville’s $5, but asked her not to return, as they could not longer serve her.

Ok.

Well, this story just breaks my heart – there is no real way to get around that. I cannot for one minute fathom how embarrassed and shattered Fontville must have felt upon hearing about her additional charge. As a fat woman, there are sometimes few activities that i can participate in that allow me to feel beautiful and feminine – and undeniably getting an manicure/pedicure is one of those things. It is such a wonderful treat, and may seem insignificant but it is a small act I can do to immediately pick up my spirits. I cannot fathom being told that I am so fat I am going to damage the furniture. I can understand, from the owner’s perspective, that this is a problem and that she is looking for the solution. However, I’m going to go on the record in stating: charging an additional fat tax is not the solution to the problem. Maybe buy sturdier chairs? Maybe be a little stricter in the ways that people utilize the furniture? Let’s think outside of the box, shall we?

What about people who swing around in those chairs with reckless abandon?

What about women whose children climb all over the chairs, marring their surface with the heels of their shoes?

What about the tax that I already feel as though I pay on a daily basis, an emotional tax, just for being a fat person walking around the world?

It is not easy to be fat. You walk around and you notice people’s eyes resting on your arms/stomach/thighs, you notice how you are routinely left out of things, you notice the anxiety that you feel about participating in things that your thinner counterparts never think about: roller coasters, pedi-cabs, having sex with the lights on, ropes courses, climbing ladders, jumping up and down with glee on the second floor of a building, I mean, the list of my weight related anxieties goes on and on.

Yes, I work to love my body regardless of it’s size. Yes, I work to have that opinion of myself matter above all else. But that doesn’t mean that I live in a bubble. It doesn’t mean that I can escape how other people look at me, or the fact that I have to shop in specialty stores when I’m buying back to school clothing. Yes my body weight fluctuates pretty dramatically  - and yes people routinely tell me how great I look when I’m “thin.”

But the fact of the matter is – right now, in this country, if you aren’t thin, you are already paying a tax every time you leave your house. And, also? I’m unlikely to cause undue damage to your manicure chair, I’m pretty good at sitting quietly and making myself small, but thanks for the reminder.

Thoughts?

Related posts:

1. this is what progress looks like
2. How/Why I Said No to Photoshop
3. thoughts on HUGE, the newsweek article, and the whole fat-people-on-tv thing

Happy Sunday Marizpanlings!!

How are you? Things (as always it seems) are INSANE here at the Marzipan Palace, as I attempt to pack up my life and ship myself up to Boston to start school. I already started a little bit of orientation, and it sure seems as though I have my work cut out for me.

And just in case I wasn’t already totally insane, a major site redesign, an EBOOK release, and a body image pay-it-forward project are in the works for September/October release dates. Crazy? Yep. Exciting. YES!

But for now, let’s get back to the basics with our little weekly Body Loving Blogosphere link round-up. Got an amazing link that you want to share with the rest of the MM community? Please do! Link ‘em on up in the comments below.

• No Points For Style, The Lead In My Bones
• Eating Journey, Dear Avoidance
• Beautiful You, Giving Up Gossip
• Big Fat Deal, Nail Salon Charges $5 Fat Tax
• A Merry Life, The Need to Build Confidence
• Already Pretty, Repost: What Do You Want to Look Like?
• Might and Main, Are You Proactive or Reactive?
• Freelancedom, 10 Ways To Prove Experience… Without Any
• Life Your Ideal Life, The Worst Mother in the World
• Weightless, 10 Ways to STop Fat Talk For Good
• Annie Spandex, How to Soften A New T-Shirt
• cynosure, I’m grateful for my eating disorder

I know that I haven’t been elaborating on what hidden gems are embedded within each post lately – I’ve been too swamped BUT I can assure you that all of these posts are fantastic : )

Now, onto the bragging, what amazingness have you whipped up this week? I assure you that we want to know all about it. xoxo.

Related posts:

1. body loving blogosphere 08.01.10
2. Body Loving Blogosphere 06.20.10
3. Body Loving Blogosphere 07.18.10

Now. This is a bit of a healthy living blogger hot topic BUT one that I have never addressed directly, though presumably one could infer by the content of my writing that I am firmly and staunchly against negative self talk.

There are two major reasons for engaging in this type of behavior. Both are insidious and demand our complete and utter attention.

1. Lack of self esteem

When you feel badly about yourself, and are frequently stewing deep in self loathing and shame, negative talk becomes a natural and easy part of your everyday dialogue, both with yourself and with others. You are simply repeating out loud the constant babble of your broken heart and lack of self worth – I’m ugly. I’m fat. No one will ever love me. You should SEE the size of my thighs. I can’t believe I ate that. I don’t deserve the same opportunities as everyone else. I’m worthless.

When this internal monologue is a part of your daily existence, you are likely apologizing for your size/lack of experience/insert reason here from the very moment that you enter a room, quickly moving to “point out the obvious” that of course you assume everyone else must be thinking.

When I was wrapped up in self-doubt and anxiety, I feel as though I had to constantly compensate for my fat body but saying yes when I wanted to say no, making myself small physically and intellectually, and keeping my opinions to a dull roar. I felt like the quieter and smaller I could make myself, the less people around me would be offended by the magnitude of my body and the less they would tease or judge me for it.

I would engage in negative self talk, because I truly believed that I was worthless and I was reaching out for someone to make me better/thinner/smarter/prettier. Or at least for someone to commiserate with.

2. Easy topic of conversation

We are taught to downplay our successes. We are taught that women who are beautiful and less complicated are the ones that boys want to make their girlfriends. We are taught to relate to one another by pointing out our flaws.

How many conversations have you had in your life, where you were casually mentioning successes and strengths?

Perhaps a few.

How many conversations have you had that were based in negative talk? Read: I’m so fat. I simply HAVE to lose twenty pounds. TOMORROW I’m starting a workout routine – have you seen my cellulite?

I am willing to bet my weight in gold that you can recollect a million of these conversations. Or perhaps you cannot even recollect them because they come so easily that they are a part of your ordinary interaction with other women. This is the way that we are taught to communicate with one another. Downplay successes. Focus on flaws. Point out our weaknesses. It is a common ground upon which relationships are formed. Hell – it is common ground upon which many web communities are built.

Why it must end.

When you talk negatively about yourself, your words are powerful. Even if you don’t “really believe” what you are saying and you are just trying to relate to your friends, every time you say something mean about yourself I truly believe it is logged somewhere deep in your heart. The more that you participate in this type of behavior – the sooner you will find yourself believing in your words.

Words are powerful. Thoughts become things.

When you choose to end negative self talk, the reverse it true. Every time you actively deny your instinct to put yourself down, or to say something nice about yourself, you are working to unravel the lifetime of negativity surrounding your self image. When you say nice things, someday you may wake up to find that you are actually BELIEVING all of the sweet and wonderful things that you are saying about yourself. And how wonderful will that be??

Is this a problem for you? How do you keep from engaging in negative self talk? How do you build positive communities that celebrate your strengths and successes?

Related posts:

1. gleeky: mercedes and the bout of negative body image
2. the one where I shamelessly talk about my engagement
3. Learning to Have Sexual Confidence

I do my best not to spend too much time alone.

I know what you’re thinking – it’s healthy to be alone sometimes. It’s good to settle into yourself without the distractions of everyday life. There are so many truths hiding in the absence of noise, whether it be the crackle of the radio, or the constant television, or the marzipan-tried-and-true audiobook on iphone method of distraction.

Intellectually I know that there is value in being alone.

In my heart? In my heart, being alone feels like entering into the abyss. In my heart, being alone is likened to falling into a deep dark hole where your most persistent fear is whether or not you’ll be able to climb out without being buried alive.

When I was a little kid, in the sixth grade, I entered into a period of time where all of my alleged friends abandoned me. In a way that is only possible at that very difficult age, one friend, with whom I had naively shared all of my deepest darkest secrets and dreams and fears, spread a series of lies about me, resulting in my complete and utter abandonment. I was the ultimate social pariah. The world was going on around me, but no one would sit next to me or talk to me, all of my friends turning their backs overnight without a second glance.

And I entered into a deep depression.

I was unable to sleep at night, because I was consumed with anxiety and with the constant prayers that somehow, some way, I would be let back into the popular group I so desperately wanted to hang out with.

This may seem trivial. Marzipan, you were in the SIXTH grade! Let it go! But this abandonment was the first time my heart was broken. I trusted those girls. I believed that they were really my friends. And yet, overnight, they were taken away. Just because one girl thought that maybe I was getting a little bit too popular, and that maybe I needed to get knocked down a peg or two, that it would serve me right.

For the first time in my life, I spent almost all of my time absolutely alone.

Eventually, I was forgiven for all of the horrible things I had said about everyone, and I was suddenly again invited to all the parties and whispered to during class. But the mark had been made. I had learned that these weren’t true friends. I had learned what it felt like to put all of my eggs in one basket, only to see them spilled and stomped upon before my very eyes.

I learned to be a little tougher. I learned, eventually, to surround myself with better, more trustworthy friends. Finally, I learned how to give my heart to someone who deserved it 100% and who has promised to stand by me through thick or thin.

But sometimes, when I’m in the process of starting something new, such as leaving my home and my adorable girlfriend, and driving two hours away to plant myself in a new town, in a new house, with new friends, and new rules – I start to have a little bit of a flashback feeling.

Yesterday, packed up my little bag and headed out of town, and I was floored with the depth of my fear and sadness. Even as I write this, I’m getting embarrassingly weepy. You know the saying about how wherever things feel the most uncomfortable, that’s where the real work is done – well, I’m working IT today, let me tell you.

And it’s not just fear. It’s deep down to my bones I’m-accustomed-to-having-someone-at-least-sleep-next-to-me-at-night loneliness. It’s not dramatic or loud. It’s like a slow creep into the pit of my stomach where my biggest fears lay strapped down and tucked in.

So what do you do with that? What do you do when you are completely lonely and nervous, and no one can convince you otherwise?

How to cope with loneliness:

• Do something LOUD. Loneliness thrives in darkness and quiet. Sing your favorite song AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS. Thrash around. Jump in the air. Scream. Laugh. Make noise and get acquainted with your physical space.
• If you are in a new place, physically, make it your own. Put up some photos. Draw on the walls. Hang up some colorful curtains. Rearrange the furniture. What have you always wanted your bedroom to look like? Start there.
• Take care of your body’s needs adequately. Go to the grocery store and buy all of your favorite foods, things that are familiar and constant. Cook your favorite meal. Invest the entire afternoon in an elaborate recipe. Make sure that you are eating enough and also that you aren’t stuffing food into the hole where your pain lives – many, many people “forget” to eat when they are stressed out or start haphazardly stuffing food in their mouths because they don’t know what else to to do. Take care of yourself, but don’t supplement the company of others with food. You will be most able to encounter the world with energy and excitement if you are getting adequate nutrition.
• Get enough sleep. This is the FIRST thing to go for me if I’m feeling lonely/stressed/overwhelmed, but the absolute most important thing to get me back on track. If it’s really becoming an issue, I have no bones about taking something to help me sleep, either holistic or not, because I know that sleep is a necessity for me when in a vulnerable position.
• Got a security blanket? Pull it up around your neck to where it’s really cozy and warm. A long, long time ago, I started listening to books on tape when I couldn’t sleep or was feeling particularly anxious. Now, the mere moment of a book on tape lulls me into a calmer state of mind. Whatever it is for you, no matter how absurd, utilize it.
• Go about your day as usual. No one around to talk to? Cross things off your to do list. Go to the grocery store, the post office, or the bank – whatever you need to get done. Smile at strangers. Strike up conversations with the clerks. Laugh. Be generous with your energy and attitude. Likely, it will make you feel better afterwards.

I feel better already… Thanks for listening. xoxox.

How do you cope with loneliness?

Related posts:

1. what if: I stopped comparing myself to others?
2. choosing to say no to your fear
3. some roly-poly little bat-faced girl

Related posts:

1. learning to let it be easy
2. what IF: I went to grad school?
3. choosing to say no to your fear