Welp, kiddos it has been a whiiile since I’ve done an Ask Marzipan post, BUT that is because I so rarely get asked questions. That said, I’d love to get back to it, so don’t hold back – email me if you’ve got a question at medicinalmarzipan {at} gmail {dot} com. 

Here’s today’s question/anecdote:

I recently went through some good ol’ heartbreak and rejection recently, and have been experiencing some tough bouts of anxiety (shaking, loss of sleep, unable to sit still, etc.) I’m getting back on track, but there’s just one more thing that’s been worrying me…my loss of appetite. A lot of times recently, I just don’t want to eat. The anxiety gave me a sour stomach, which is slowly waning. I know you discuss anxiety and the issue of binge eating as a result. I would like to hear your opinions on another side of the spectrum…complete loss of appetite because of anxiety. Any thoughts are appreciated!

You are absolutely right when you said that this is a topic that I’ve never covered here on MM. With the exception of one particular moment of heartbreak, I tend to eat my anxiety. However, appetite loss is the other side of the coin.

First and foremost during moments of heartbreak we have to be extremely caring and sweet to ourselves, no matter what our symptoms.

Want to lie in bed all day and listen to the Counting Crows? Do it. Wanting to just gather up all of your friends and sob the night away? Best done in the company of others. Sleep all day? Within reason. Bake cookies and then eat said cookies? Just this once. Not feeling hungry at all? Keep all of your favorite foods around and try to eat something from moment to moment, but don’t force yourself.

Want to stick to your routine because it makes you feel good to do something? You’re the boss.

The difference here is between not being hungry for a week or so, and not being hungry for three months. So, it is important to pay attention to your body, because a loss of appetite can become so many other things if we aren’t careful and compassionate with ourselves.

How does your hunger feel? How do YOU feel? What’s your energy level? How does not eating make your mind feel? As in, what do you notice coming up for you in your hunger? Is it appealing for you to, ahem, keep not eating?

Are other people concerned about the changes in your eating habits?

Sometimes, after a break up, people stop eating due to anxiety, but continue not eating out of a desire to look hot after ending a relationship. This can take on many forms – wanting your ex to want you back, wanting to prove something to someone, wanting to lose weight to find someone new to be with. This is rocky territory. Sometimes we can’t tell what we feel in these moments, and if that is so, I encourage you to check in with a guidance counselor, therapist, or mental health counselor – someone who is trained to help you discern what is normal grieving from something more concerning.

Furthermore, you’ve just gotten out of a relationship – you’re vulnerable, everything is topsy turvy, but it is a really good opportunity to check in with yourself and think about what you want out of your life.

If YOU had a day to do anything that YOU wanted, what would you do?

If YOU could eat any meal that you wanted, what would YOU eat?

If YOU could see any movie, read any book, visit any museum, which would YOU choose?

In other words, what are you really hungry for?

And, if you can without feeling forced or uncomfortable – eat a little bit, a couple times a day, even if you are anxious and don’t have an appetite – just to make sure your body is getting the nutrition that it needs. Eat your absolute favorite foods. Be nice to yourself, and patient. Good luck.

What do you guys think? Have you ever felt this way?

{Image Credit}

Today I am super excited to be cross-posting with Amelia of Silence, Cupcake about the intersection of body image, gender identity + sexuality.

I can’t remember when I realised that I am a genderqueer person. Sometime in 2010, I think. It didn’t come as any kind of shock. I discovered people who didn’t identify with masculinities or femininities. They weren’t androgynous, they were genderqueer. And so am I.

After a while, I noticed a pattern with genderqueer blogs (or perhaps, just the ones I followed.) Genderqueer people who bound their breasts. Genderqueer people who tried to remove gendered body parts, by flattening their bodies. I don’t remember seeing many fat genderqueer people.

I am. Perhaps I’m not fat, but I’m certainly curvy. I have my grandma’s enormous bottom (it makes a comfy cushion) and voluptuous breasts. These don’t really worry me. They’re a part of my body, but I don’t feel any more feminine because I have breasts. I see no reason to flatten or bind them – not that I have a problem with people who do – but what I wonder is; where is the space for genderqueer people who look “like women”?

Breasts are so bound up in the idea that one is a ‘woman’, that by openly having breasts, people decide, I am a woman. People with breasts are women. When you can’t see in someone pants, that’s what we go on. Because gender is still seen as biological, when it’s actually more complicated than that. Simply, I am not a woman, and having breasts does not make me any more of a woman. Equally, not having breasts does not make anybody any less of a woman.

My plan isn’t to sit around whining about how there’s no space for people like me – I have the necessary resources to start my own blog, or tumblr, where I post photos of myself in all my chubby glory and say “I am genderqueer, here me roar.” But I don’t want to. Other people get to just sit around without having to reinforce or reiterate their gender identity every other day (hour, minute, second.) Nobody gives me any hassle when I have long hair and wear jeans, but when I have short hair and wear skirts I get “Why is that boy wearing a skirt?” I get “Sir” from behind, and the tiniest gasps of shock from sales assistants when I turn to confront them with my breasts. (Not that my breasts are confrontational by nature. But some people sure don’t expect to see them. They almost seem annoyed that they’re there, and I can see their minds working; “Do I apologise? I bet she…he?…she…. gets this all the time. She…’s used to it. Just sell her the shoes.” They might also just be staring at my boobs. I get that all the time too.)

I didn’t cut my hair in order to look more like a boy. My face just happens to be boy-ish. My hair was short because I’d cut my lovely, long dreadlocks off. This was at the same time I was putting on weight, and my breasts and curves were growing ever larger. I’d had an androgynous body, with long hair before, and then suddenly, a boyish head, with a womanly body. Suffice to say, people were confused. And I just didn’t get it.

My body, to me, isn’t feminine or masculine. I’m not a boy, or a girl. I don’t ever feel feminine, and I don’t ever feel masculine. Having breasts doesn’t make me feel like a girl, neither does having hips. It seems as though, if I am rejecting my femininity (and would anyone suggest that a person born with a penis was rejecting their femininity by embracing typically masculine endeavours?) then I must also reject the feminine aspects of my body. But since my body is not feminine, as I am not, then neither is my breasts, not my bum, not my hips.

I am fat, curvy, busty and genderqueer. This body which I have has very little to do with my gender – except in other people’s opinions

Amelia tries to break down systems with words, then rebuild them differently with some more words. They have recently learned that green tea contains caffeine, which might go some way to explaining their six cup a day habit, and they are trying to come up with an alternative to capitalism, while also figuring out how to get people to pay them more. Amongst all of this, Amelia is also editor-in-chief of Silence, Cupcake which consists chiefly of herding cats writers.

If you had asked me on January 13th whether or not I needed to go spend a week in Vermont working on my relationship with my body and food, again, I would have said no. I would have said that I had finally reached a place where I loved my body and that I had dealt with all of that food stuff.

I would have been lying.

When I reflect back on January 13th now, I am able to realize that I was swallowing a lot – both figuratively and literally. I was swallowing bite after bite of food that was past the point of fullness, sometimes absent mindedly and sometimes with determined focus. I was choking back my unacceptable feelings with ever bite. I was putting everyone else ahead of myself, and I had forgotten (or never learned) how to set appropriate boundaries.

On January 13th I might have also told you that as a body image blogger, I was a little bit nervous about trekking up to what might turn out to be a deluxe weight loss spa. With that point especially, I was truly wrong.

Green Mountain at Fox Run healed so many parts of me that it is, frankly, a little difficult to talk about to people. It brought me back down into my skin, and taught me how to sit there, even when I wanted to disassociate or run away.

It did more than tell me that I was worthy of love and self-care, it made me believe it.

While I was at Green Mountain I wrote these three posts:

• Grieving the Loss of my Body Fantasy
• On Loving What Is
• Giving Myself Permission to Eat

All of that said, this is a GIVEAWAY POST! So let’s get excited! In being honest about my experiences when I was at Green Mountain, I don’t want to scare you, because I also: laughed, made art, snowshoed for the first time(!), danced wildly, hula hooped, wrote a ton, stretched, watched Portlandia for the first time, made friends, ate delicious food, and got an amazing massage.

My takeaway from my week at Green Mountain was this: You get one body. You get one life. Why would you spend your time doing anything other than loving yourself and feeling good?

I am beyond thrilled to offer one LUCKY reader a week there.

Here are the details:

The winner of this prize will receive a one-week stay in a private accommodation at Green Mountain at Fox Run. This prize is valid between February 10th and June 15, 2012. Approval of requested dates are contingent upon availability. This contest is available to readers worldwide, but the winner is responsible for travel to and from Green Moutain.

How to Enter:

There are two required entries and two optional ones, adding up to FOUR lovely chances to win this prize. Please leave a separate comment for EACH entry below, we want you to have all the possible chances to win! As in a comment to let me know you liked GMFR, a comment that you signed up for the newsletter, etc.

• Like Green Mountain at Fox Run on Facebook [Required]
• Sign up for their Women, Weight, and Wellness newsletter [Required]

• Leave a comment telling us what you wish you could give to yourself, if you had limitless time and resources. [Optional]
• Tweet about the contest and come back to let us know that you did! [Optional] Here’s a tweet format for you to copy and paste: “I just made a pledge of self-love by entering @mmarzipan ‘s @greenmtnfoxrun giveaway! Find out more: http://wp.me/pAG2g-1eb“

The contest ends at 11:59 PM EST on Friday, February 10th. The winner will be chosen by random number generator, and will be announced Sunday, February 12th.

FTC: A one-week stay at GMFR ranges from $2,927-$3,127.00, and I was offered a week there care of the company. The thoughts and opinions within this post, however, alllllll mine. 

A new site that I’m loving is Can You Stay For Dinner? Check out this post on advice for emotional eaters.

Fear of disapproval – a resounding YES.

I love this list of ideas for small ways you can inject healthier, happier habits daily in February. Start small. Breathe. Take it slow.

“I delved pretty deep and I gave myself permission to be as angry as I wanted.” [Living in the (K)now]

You have permission to be selfish.

Are you a curvy person who has been a little nervous about being judged in your yoga class? This post is for you.

The Importance of Honoring Your Needs and Feelings.

Do you ever start feeling itchy and wanting to hurry on up and DO some eating disorder activism? Margarita’s got your covered with lots of good places to start.

Have more sex, renounce the past, and get dressed up for ordinary occasions. In other words, throw caution to the wind and live your life.

Feeling your feelings instead of feeding your feelings.

Tell your potential customers why to hire YOU over the next guy. Hint: It’s because you’re totally freaking awesome.

And on that note? This business post is so exhilarating I literally printed it out and hung it next to my desk, something that I often joke about but almost never do.

Life is short, so send a little love over to those haters.

If only your life looked like your pinterest boards.

All of my friends are married with kids – will they abandon me? Recommended reading for all people 18 – forever.

Raise your hand if you have at least three windows open other than this blog, or other than this blog post in your google reader.

Raise your hand if you are currently a) listening to music, b) watching TV, c) eating or d) haphazardly doing some other activity.

At this moment (while simultaneously writing this post) I am also “watching” the Vampire Diaries, drinking seltzer, and have four tabs open on my computer – inbox, twitter, Facebook, Medicinal Marzipan stats.

Hello my name is Mara, and I have a problem with filling up every single second of possible silence.

When I am in class: I am making to-do lists, consulting my calendar, creating business plans.

When I am falling asleep: I am thinking about what I should do tomorrow, planning my breakfast, worrying about my wedding.

When I am hanging out with my friends: I am checking my phone on my way to the bathroom, worrying about whether or not my last post was well received.

I have the terrible habit of chronic multi-tasking.

When I was in college, I had friends who loved to “hang out and study.” They just lovedto meet up at the library with their coffee, and intermittently talk and then study and then giggle and you get the idea.  I have always hated the idea of “hanging out” while doing work – much preferring to get shit done and then relax completely.

And then I created a blog – a little world that never sleeps, and where there is always more to be done.

The reality is this: you can only do one thing WELL at a time.

I am going to repeat that, because it is extremely important:

You can only do one thing, and do that one thing well, at a time.

It is one thing to give yourself time and space in silence in order to process your emotions, to meditate and create room for yourself. That will make you feel better.

But? We all have to start somewhere, so perhaps, just for today, we’ll start by not spending every second of the day multi-tasking. Perhaps, today, we can begin to carve out some space for ourselves by closing all of the additional windows when we are writing online or taking a break from our smartphones when we are lucky to be in the company of someone else.

Today, I am going to make an extra effort to remain present – with my loved ones, with myself, with all of you, with my clients, and in my classes.

{Source: thiswaytojoy.blogspot.com via marzipan on Pinterest}

You know all of those things that you’ve been holding onto for as long as you can remember, because you kind of sort of think maybe you were to blame for them or they reaffirmed what you’ve always suspected has been true about you or you just can’t really seem to let them go? Today we are going to talk about those memories, and the shame is tied up with them.

The memories that are dragging you down.

The memories that keep you chained up in a life that you don’t love.

The memories that make you think you love someone who is mean to you.

The memories that the darkest part of your brain plays on repeat during late at night, when everyone else is sleeping.

I’m going to ask you to shine a light deep into your subconscious and check out what is lurking deep in your body – the skeletons in your closet, the spiders in your brain, the sludge around your heart. And, ultimately, I’m going to ask you what it would be like to let a little of that go.

I’m going to ask you what purpose your shame serves in your life. How does it protect you? Why is it that you’ve carried it around with you for so long?

Today we’re going there – but I promise you are going to be OK. We’re going to do it together, because this is one that applies to all of us.

I am also going to ask you to suspend your disbelief for a moment and take this in:

You are worth so much more than you are giving yourself credit for.

We cannot change the things that have happened to us. We cannot change the events that we’ve been responsible for, either truthfully responsible or simply present. We cannot change the things that we regret.

The fact of the matter is: no amount of repenting or pretending or making-up-for is going to change those things we’d rather forget. They are ours for life, but that does not mean that they have to control us. It does not mean that we are not worth dreaming up some more ideal circumstances, just because we have some things in our personal histories that we aren’t proud of.

You can choose, today if you’re ready, to expend your energy in ways that make you feel good.

You can decide that you’re going to excavate some of the shame from your body by forgiving yourself for your past. You can decide to believe, like in your gut believe, that as a product of your lived experiences, each and every one of those experiences has served a purpose.

Now, I know that can be a tough pill to swallow. What about the time that I was sexually-assaulted? Yes, that time too. What about the time I was chased out of the fraternity by four boys screaming about what a fat whale I was? Yes, especially that time. What about every single moment that I was made to believe that I was _____ by the people who were the closest to me, when I was so young and vulnerable? That bit is crucial.

All of those horrendous moments – are fair game for examination and letting go.

If you are the sum of all of your parts, it would stand to reason that in the journey of learning to love yourself, learning to love the parts of yourself you would never tell a single other person if you could help it – is crucial.

Forgiving yourself for those things that are in the past, is crucial.

I know it’s ugly. I know it’s scary. I know that we keep those moments tucked away for a good reason.  I know why you might rather tell me to fuck off and stop prying. I am filled with nothing but limitless compassion for your profanity, because believe me examining those aspects of my life makes me really fucking mad and more than a little crazy too.

If it didn’t feel so fucking good to let go – I wouldn’t ask it of you.

And it does. Trust me.

{Image Credit}

Required reading: Writing is a Salve, by Margarita Tartakovsky.

Simply loving Karen’s Woo-Woo-Head-Heart recap from her stay at Green Mountain at Fox Run this week. Want to go back so badly.

On the need for validation, and other very pressing concerns related to loving yourself.

Fantastic post this week on Roots of She about authentic living and creating a life that works, for YOU.

Do you believe in luck? Or do you believe that things happen because you make them happen?

This post is amazing – and pretty much details my deepest wedding fears. AND it has a happy ending, for which I am eternally grateful.

Increasing your worth begins with what happens inside of you – a phenomenally inspiring business + self-esteem post by Nona Jordan.

What are you TRULY hungry for? Hint: it’s probably not what you think.

What is the post that YOU are the most proud of this week? We really want to read it, and bragging is good for you.

I remember the day that I was told, calmly and self-assuredly by a friend that I had made plans with that she was going to have to break her plans, because she had over-extended herself and had changed her mind about wanting to go out.

At first, I was angry. I was all – are you SERIOUS? we had PLANS! I wrote it in my PLANNER. But after reflecting on it for a couple of minutes I realized that yes, I was angry – but I was angry at myself.

At that time in my life, I absolutely did not know how to put myself first. I was full to the brim of shoulds. As in, I should go out even though I am exhausted because I promised that I would. Or I should get up early and exercise, because that’s what all the good people are doing. Or I should blog three times a week and have my copy edited and ready to go for a 7am launch.

Recently, a professor of mine told me that he often tells his clients point blank to stop shoulding all over themselves, and I as I sat back in my chair I had a good hard look at the decisions that I had made in my life.

I’ll give you the abbreviated version: I’ve been doing exactly what I “should” do or what I’ve been told for as long as I remember.

I have never, not one time, stepped back and thought to my self what would I like to do today.

Or, how do I want to live my life?

Or, if I only had one year left to live how might I spend it? What is most important to me?

I probably wouldn’t spend the precious and fantastic moments of my life doing things that didn’t make me feel happy and fulfilled.

I might not eat something that I was supposed to eat, in favor of what I wanted to eat.

I definitely wouldn’t lock myself into a job that permitted me very little movement or creativity, and forgo the financial freedom and business of my OWN that I had been secretly dreaming about since I learned how to dream.

If I only had this one moment, and I might summon up all of my power and tell you that I’ve changed my mind about doing __________, especially if it wasn’t a good fit.

By good fit I mean: things that make you feel gorgeous, lit up, excited, fun, happy, creative, inspired, ecstatic, wild, affluent, fancy or charged with energy.

Suspend your disbelief for just a moment, and consider: if YOU were able to create the life of your dreams – and I’m begging you to THINK BIG, what would that life look like?

This post has been whipped up by the fantastic Sarah Von Bargen, over at Yes and Yes, which is just one of my all-time faves. Run, don’t walk. Enjoy!

Is it weird if I tell you that I have some very, very attractive lady friends?

Well, I do. They’re my friends because they’re smart, funny, kind and equally obsessed with anthropomorphism. But many of them also happen to be double-take hot.  Now, I am not someone who is particularly plagued with self-doubt, but I can also acknowledge (usually without malice. usually.) when another woman is prettier than I am.

I have one such friend who probably ranks somewhere in the range of 11 on the 1 – 10 attractiveness scale.  She models, men fall at her feet, birds and mice sing while sewing her dresses. Despite this, girlfriend is frequently convinced that people don’t like her, that her poreless skin is sagging, that she’s somehow not good enough.  If I looked like her, I’d spend my days naked and accepting marriage proposals. How could she ever doubt herself?  Everywhere she goes, people praise her.  Everywhere she looks, the media tells her that she looks the ‘right way.’  I wanted to know, so I asked.

Her response?  “How would you feel if the only thing people ever praised you for was something you had no control over?  And how would you feel if every day, you were slowly loosing the one thing people complimented you on?”

Wow.

This friend is bright, hilarious and golden-hearted.  She’ll remember your birthday and if something bad happens to you, she’ll probably be more upset about it than you are.  But not many people notice or comment on the above qualities. Other crazy hot, traditionally attractive friends of mine have regaled me with tales of the never-ending stream of men who hit on them and harass them, the other girls who refuse to befriend or trust them, the co-workers who are convinced pretty girls are incompetent.

Now, I’m sure it’s possible to read this post and get a headache from eye rolling.  Oh, the trials and travesties visited upon beautiful women!  I’m taking out my tiny violin and what not.  Obviously, there are harder fates in the world than those that await traditionally attractive women.  But as these friends point out, being beautiful hasn’t necessarily made their lives easier or spared them heartache.  They, too, have failed classes, chosen questionable boyfriends, been laid off or gotten zits on photo day.

So next time you see that incredibly hot girl at the coffee shop, say hello!  She’s probably fraught with the same anxieties and neuroses as you are.  She probably wants to talk about Pride and Prejudice and cat videos with you. She might just be aching to be friends with you.

How do you feel about your looks?  Do you think you’re pretty?  How much does your appearance affect the way people interact with you?  I’m (generally) pretty confident and (usually) think I’m quite cute.  I think because of my button nose and blonde hair, I look quite friendly and approachable, but because I’ve spent so much time traveling on my own, I’m actually a bit stand-offish in public.  My ambient facial expression has been described as ‘sulky Russian’!

EEEEP! Remember when my mama was up this week chatting with you guys about her kickstarter campaign to finish her memoir? Well there are less than 24 hours left, so I just wanted to pass the link on to you again in case you missed it. Check out her blog post here or skip straight to the kickstarter page [and video!] here. Thanks!

Some gorgeous, sparkly + tough love business advice from Julie Parker.

I am just head over heels for pretty much anything that Anna Guest-Jelley does over at Curvy Yoga, but this post? This post is unbelievable:

So when the opportunity presented itself to distract myself by dieting, yeah; I took it. I knew in my gut that it wasn’t right for me, but my mind wasn’t havin’ it. I was so eager to escape being present in my body that I was grateful for the chance to obsess about my body. This is totally not a new pattern for me, so I can’t say I find it too surprising – or even really that disappointing – that I leaned on it again. It’s kinda been my go-to for, oh, the past 25 years.

10 Killer Ways You Can Help Your Business Right Now.

Have you always wanted to become a yoga instructor? Amber walks you through the pros and cons of going for your 200 hour. certification.

Shame, anxiety, and disordered eating – a beautifully thoughtful piece by Jenn Gibson on Roots of She.

In 2012, what are you saying YES to?

The Beatings Must Stop is required reading this week, written by the lovely Christie Inge. Here’s a taste:

But what I want you to know is that accepting yourself first does not mean giving up on yourself.

Recently, Christie introduced me to Nona Jordan, who is pretty much amazing. I’m happy to introduce her to all of you with this stunner of a piece: Go There.

Shit Freaky Fitness People Say – I am dyyyyyyying of laughter right now.

If you’re into some swearing and fist shaking (yes please!) run on over to Ellie Di’s post about censorship, SOPA, and PIPA.

Homeless to 6 Figures in 365 Days – brilliant.

And while we’re talking money matters – Money AMPLIFIES Your Art and other bits of genius by Alex Franzen.

Tools for Organizational Addicts and Unapologetic Dreamers.

A message that I needed this week, when it’s been so cold that the idea of doing anything makes me want to curl up in bed – I am a firm believer in the fact that regular exercise makes me a better person.

Have you ever felt like a failure? Like all of your products are freaking awful or every single one of your potential clients hates you? Read this post.

I just love this post. It appeals to both of my I’ve got to be fiscally responsible AND I want to buy all the things sides – How to Splurge, Responsibly.

Also, I’m going to be chatting you guys up about this on Facebook a little bit later in the week, but I just have to ask (mostly because I am curious + also because I want to give YOU what YOU want) – what sorts of products or services does your little heart desire to see featured on Medicinal Marzipan in the future? Coaching? Ebooks? Groups? Top secret missives? Skype dates?

I would simply love to know. xo